Sunday, February 17, 2019

Old things are dried up.  Lack of water.
Ageing. See it everywhere.

Dried up old trees, wood, plants, fruits, vegetables
begin to rot and die.

Dried up people and animals have
wrinkling, withering, dry, old, crusty sagging skin.

The guts, the insides must match that condition
and dry up from the inside out.

Unable to keep  and transfer the proper amount
of water flowing in the system
the living organism ages, degenerates and dies.
Discovering the cause(s) of depression.

Tired
Exhausted.
Thirsty.
Hungry.
In pain.
Can't compete.
Being compared with others.
Being blamed for things.
Being stopped, blocked, told to shut up.
Unable to fulfill needs, passions.
Every time I jump up I hit my head on a ceiling.
I didn't kill you
I let you live
is not the same as
I honor and glorify your life
and help you to live life to its fullest.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Blame shifting and denial: Oldest survival tactics to avoid pain and punishment.

Blame shifting and denial: Oldest survival tactics to avoid pain and punishment.

Person says or does something they know they shouldn't do and says:
It was magic.
It wasn't me.
I didn't do it.
I don't know how that happened.
Everyone does that.
It's not my fault.
Somebody else must have done it.
I'm not the only one who makes messes, mistakes,
breaks things, etcetera.
I said/did what?? You're crazy.
I forgot.
I may have said that. I don't remember.

Sometimes (or often times) a weak apology of
"I'm sorry" is stated and/or
the guilty party gives the victim a
present or performs a nice deed
for them
then
the same incident happens and
they apologize again only to repeat
the same or similar acts again and again
with an occasional
"I love you" or "I didn't mean that"
"I didn't say that" "I meant this or that"
 thrown in to offset the damage done.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

excruciating back pain today.

excruciating back pain today. 

all i ate was a sandwich
wheat bread , toasted, from aldis,
one slice luncheon loaf, one slice turkey deli meat, kraft mayo,
salad mix from hyvee, red onion one slice, mt olive dill pickle,
one slice kraft mozarella thin sliced cheese,
lays regular potato chips veggie dip and homemade
vegetable beef soup made from roast i received at
church months ago (from harvesters food pantry)
cooked raw carrots green beans onions peas quinoa
white rice one can spicy tomatoes
 at 4 pm.
pain started within a half an hour after eating and still endures at 2:23 am the following day.

flank on left side worse and right side in pain

considering a liquid diet soon.
should try eating one food at a time to see what
triggers pain

since feb. 2 i had been going to bed early 7 or 8 pm and sleeping for 3 to 4 hours
at a time
then waking up for a few hours before finally making it back
to sleep for 3 to 4 hours. it ends up being 12 or more hours in bed in between
bathroom trips of peeing and diarrhea and large drinks of water.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Visited with an old friend of mine today, Tom T, age 72

Visited with an old friend of mine today, Tom T, age 72
We were outside talking about life situations, as usual.

He suddenly says "18 again? You're looking good."
I smiled.
He said, "I got you to smile"
I replied: "I don't smile often. I learned at a young age, 19 or 20 to
be careful when I smile at someone. Especially men. They take it the wrong way."

Later on in the evening I was in my vehicle leaving the parking lot of
HyVee.  A young man who appeared to be a teenager with strawberry blonde hair
met my glance as I backed out of my parking spot and smiled a big smile at me.
I smiled back quickly and drove off and headed home.
He was the one who said "Thank you" when I put my grocery cart
in the entrance of the store as I was leaving.

For many years I have been dressing down,
wearing no makeup, no hair coloring, wearing no jewelry
or minimal jewelry such as one plain silver ring or a small
pendant, driving an old 1990's vehicle with abundant rust
and peeling paint,
wearing boring old used hand me down plain clothes
in an attempt to stop
being approached and having men make passes at me.

This is because I am tired of having every "dog" man around
trying to pick me up.
And I don't think I am that good looking.
I am obviously not very smart.
I think I am a plain, average looking and average or below average
intelligent person. 

art

art
self expression of feelings
involving the senses
see hear taste smell touch

print pictures video
audio
cooking food
burning things fragrance
body movement
arranging physical objects

distributed to masses
who buy it
because they
understand/appreciate/identify with/relate to
the emotions behind it

I'm betting it's mold in here

 I must have mold on the brain and my whole body is loaded with mold fungi bugs and toxic waste from all of it