I am a very strong person who has survived living with narcissists all of my life.
At 59 years of biological age I have maintained my own sense of self.
I am me, I remain what I am. I am what I am regardless of their control tactics attempting to change me into someone else, someone I am not.
Even though I have severe levoscoliosis I have kept my hourglass figure and look younger than I am.
My true height was 5' 6 1/2" before my spine twisted and my weighttoday is 125 lbs. My height shrunk to 5' 3 and 3/4" due to the curve in my back.
Today I am in much better shape and condition than I was a few years ago when I couldn't even squat without falling down.
I walk alot, stretch, dance when I can and will go swimming any chance I get. I love to swim in the water.
I have been doing many things to take care of myself and my appearance much to the disliking and hatred and jealousy, anger and fits of temper tantrums of the narcissist. Intermittent displays of love have happened in between the demon displays of hate. I live with paranoid schizophrenic symptoms in the man I have been with for 29 years. Mother is the basis of this. Mother and the family dynamics of the whole spectrum of schizophrenia. It is learned behavior, it is not genetic.
Realizing I am totally female releases me from attempting to do man things and end up competing with -them. I am peaceful, joyful, loving, sensitive and most of all natural. I am not competitive; never have been. I am cooperative and flexible. Understanding, insightful, helpful, nice and polite. That is my nature. My instinctual nature.
Strangers, friends, neighbors and other family neighbors frequently tell me I am beautiful, unlike narcissist types who view me and my happiness as a threat. Narcs are on or off, love one minute and hate the next. Steady, consistent love, compassion and caring do not exist with them. Hot one minute and cold the next. Suffer from the 7 deadly sins.
All of this stuff was learned in the womb and in their childhood, permanently forming the structure of their personality. Fear based, they are unable to separate themselves from things or their environment and attempt to control the entire spectrum of all living and unliving things. Yet, they cannot see that all things are connected, naturally. Force is their choice instead of allowance and fluidity. Differences are immediately noticed and not accepted, instead differences are hated which fuels the fire for their anger and intolerance, hate, judgment, criticism, threats, egotistical superiority complex where they think they know it all and no one else close to them knows anything.
9-16-2020
Sarah Wilson Stillwell
