Stir ice cream with a spoon. Add milk make a shake.

 started doing stirring to make it creamy like soft serve when i was a little girl

6 Eggs in a pot

 when i was a little girl i had a little aluminum pot that held six eggs perfectly. i was so astounded and happy i told all my friends. they weren't excited as i was. 

i would boil the eggs until they were done. hard boiled eggs.

little did i know about 55 years later i would be doing the same thing in a different pot. soft boiled is my favorite. hard to do so they usually end up with nice yellow cooked centers never green.

and do a lot of frying over easy or basted in bacon grease and lots of scrambling. too . pan preferred but use microwave often for oe or scrambled eggs 

anything but raw eggs.

poached are very nice but hard to do in poacher pan over boiling water. dont have that type of pot anymore

My life is the best movie I ever lived

People should live alone. Once adulthood happens get your own place

 Most violence and other criminal activities happen right at home.

People get on each others nerves. They have constant control battles.

No one wins.  There is very little peace and hardly any love.

They are too familiar. They see each other too much.

Eventually they hate each others guts. Some leave for good.

Some commit murder.

Everything about someone becomes too much. Our habits , patterns. preferences, hobbies. friends. family. neighbors. jobs are all up for causing fighting and squabbling. Injuries in all ways. Physical, emotional. spiritual damage just from being around each other too much 

Same goes for work, jobs. careers 

Familiarity breeds contempt. And death  Death in many ways due to feeling trapped in a box with hungry rats and snakes. Vicious lions ready to attack at any moment.

That is why I left my grandparents home when I was 16. To escape hell and damnation. Daily fighting yelling screaming name calling prejudice bitterness hate contempt cruelty sarcasm threats.

And I discovered that everywhere I lived it was the same old shit. Everywhere around anyone I know it is the same old crap. 

Each job consists of the same control battles. the same gossip and slandering. The watchful eyes everywhere ready to cremate anyone for anything.

There is no peace on this planet in the presence of another human being ot their awareness of your existence. As long as they know you are alive they are on a mission to destroy you. 

Some are out to cut your throat as look at you. And if they thought no one was looking, if they thought they wouldn't get caught they would slit my throat in a heartbeat and not blink an eye. No remorse for murder.

Good riddance of bad rubbish they would think. Then smirk and laugh at what they had done.

64. Hated by my husband and family and anyone we both know.

 i suppose they hate me because i talk about him and tell the truth about what he says and does. they dont believe it because he is so nice and level headed when he talks to them. 

people are sick of hearing me talk. they likely think i am a crazy piece of good for nothing shit. they think he is this wonderful intelligent smart hard working guy and i am a spoiled stupid ungrateful bitch and i deserve to have the shit beat out of me 

no one gives a damn about me or what happens here. there is no savior, no hero. no rescue. no solution 

i look bad to others because i am here. most have said why didn't or don't you leave? they think it is that easy. it takes a lot of money to pay rent or mortgage and bills and buy food gasoline insurance clothes and anything else. and their other stupid suggestion question dont you have family you can live with? is out of the question. been there. done that. living with any other person is hell regardless of who it is. so is finding another man to marry. been there done that 3 times. too. and have lived with many others. 

Been sick since May 9, 2026. Still coughing. It's May 22nd

 sore throat sneezing nose blowing hacking up yellow and green and brown phlegm

went to target this evening. gone about 2 1/2 hours. bought plastic utensil set for 20 dollars. tried on 2 cute pink dresses different sizes. neither fit right at all. bust area way too big for me. could have held a d size cup and i am barely a b.

saw myself front and back in 2 mirrors in dressing room. i could see just how horrible i look. not fat but have severely twisted back with huge hump on left side. the skin is darker over the hump bump. my butt is not firm and shapely. not toned. flabby ass and thighs on legs. tiny tits. 

ugly face and short hair. looks terrible.

depressing looking at myself. depressing when clothes shopping. i look bad in most outfits clothes dresses shirts.

there arent many styles i can wear. not like it used to be 

i need to avoid tight tops, clingy clothes on my upper body. i always had small boobs and should wear puffy tops with gathering that are loose around bust area. cleavage is almost nil. the only flattering curves are on my butt if i can find a pair of pants that fit right around my small waist.

as long as my cellulite flab on my thighs is there i ought to avoid short shorts or little dresses. 

Alone

I am alone in the woods. I belong solitary like the Neil Diamond song.

Alone together. that is what this marriage on paper is.

Kind people have quick understanding and patience.

 they are wanting to help. no strings attached

they are not pushy, not all about the money, not constantly thinking about something else during a conversation, not looking at the clock acting like I am wasting their time

their eyes give away their sincerity

Strangers

 kind ones I meet once in awhile instantly understand what i say and feel

they do not live with me, know no one I know and whatever I say will

never go back to anyone I know, live with, have lived with or any family member or neighbor

the safest places are being alone and when i run across genuinely nice, kind, understanding people

Buddhism Buddah quotes I discovered

 are where I am in today. agree with truths stated.

it took me this long on my journey in life to be aware of these things

and need to go back to being silent as I was when I was a child

silent with wisdom. move away from danger, negativity, any person or thing i sense is bad immediately without showing them any fear

just smile, nod and be on my merry quiet way

enjoying my lovely solitude

and make friends with a very few strangers that are also on the same wavelength

circumstances bring out emotion already inside. words arent said unless you think them. i dont care if he or anyone else hates my guts or loves me. 

my mind used to zone out i called it trancing when removing myself from bad situations corrupt people. 

when i sleep i dream intensely of places i haven't been

i am courageous enough to not care .. she called me aloof

i have never begged anyone for sex or love. never pushed it on someone or asked them to say i love you. those words should come naturally and sex should be natural not forced.

I was attractive to many and still am

 strangers prove it to me daily whenever I go out

i was more attractive when younger and am gaining that appeal back bit by bit even tho living in fight or flight mode, survival mode

situation of his aggravation intensifies and increases the more aware i become and state my realizations. huge mistake to tell him anything i discover as truth, memories from the past, dreams i have

I do not trust him

 i trust him about as far as five universes away 

Strangers are my friends. The rest are enemies.

Sore throat, coughing runny rose on May 9th, 2026 the day before Mother's Day sunday May 10

 why did it happen? where did it come from?

I am as careful as can be when I do anything so I won't contract illnesses.

when I go out to the gyms they are sanitized all over. people use the antifungal disinfectant at these places constantly

the only place I can think of is at HOME where I contracted this awful sore throat, slight fever, coughing up yellow and dark phlegm.

which came from HIM. he has been sick coughing sneezing hacking for many weeks and he spreads his germs all over everywhere he goes. sneezing blasting into the room air, does not wash his hands often, picks and digs at his nose, leaves dirty napkins tissues paper towels laying about on counters or anywhere and reuses these dirty items. he touches everything indiscrimiately.

it is not normal to get sick in MAY when weather is warming up

So HE contracted some crap from somebody somewhere probably more than a month ago. 

Last night I asked him who he has been around that was coughing sneezing and he did NOT respond to my question. All the people that have come over here are NOT sick so he must have acquired it from some STRANGER I have not seen. OR else it is from his sisters sherry and dorothy. 

Some people like to keep you at their level or down below them. Some like to see you rise above and be happy

 if they keep you at the same level or below they feel they have more control over you

if you escape the "system" of control you will leave like a hot air balloon floating all over and they might never see you again

fly away anywhere in a helicopter, balloon, airplane, jet, any airborne craft and when you leave you are free to wander about and probably will not return to the hellish situations

Are micro organisms, parasites responsible for our bad behavior, mental illness, insanity?

 as well as toxic substances like fumes, dust particles, any airborne things that we are allergic to

liquids, gases, solids

ointments, creams, oils

and the ether, sometimes called God

Are poisonous substances the cause of such imbalance ?

Humans can be the most stupid idiots regardless of

 age, gender education. financial status. location

and some humans can be exquisite geniuses

yet still have idiotic traits

I do not have to justify what I want or need

These guys want..

 20 something year old girls/women that never age

home cooked food, fast food from restaurants

instant immediate gratification in all areas, physical and mental

obedient slaves to all their desires and wishes

to be sexually desirable physically but as they get older they stop doing things
to be desirable with their persona yet don't really know how to be

think working alot and money/flashing their cash and material things can get them anything they want

complete and total freedom to do and live as they want which is mostly like pigs and animals in disorganized dirty messes and clutter all over the house, yard, anywhere

as they age most are looking pretty bad yet expect to have and get a young looking cheerleader type woman on their shoulder and in their bed

they forget their youth when they naturally attractive 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

stephen, my nephew

jimmy g, my son's best friend

both my sons

the man i am married to

john layson, chuck charles strand and his half brother stephen hosey

both my ex husbands

tony, william, darin, kirk

Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.

Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.

He hates my placidity and quietness.

No talking to me for 2 hours. I enjoy the peace, quiet and silence. Light bothers my eyes

Him: Noisy and wants to talk to me while I am still asleep in the brain. 

He likes activity and disruptions especially  early in the day and usually 

takes off before 10 am or starts in on physical activities like yard work.

He turns on the news cell phone tv first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

He likes stories esp news, fantasy sci fi strange fake stuff. He must have constant outside media noise.

He absorbs all the the garbage lies, trash and stupid short videos of dumb things. I do not find it

amusing to watch someone do stupid dangerous stunts and get hurt. He likes that kind of crap.

He can't differentiate between truth and fiction.

He believes his opinions are facts and everyone else should believe the 

same way otherwise they are stupid and all wrong

He cannot accept differences in anything including people animals objects material things

He thinks in black and white terms. 

He must have constant outside noises videos input from other things while driving, working

while eating and conversations. He can't focus on the conversation/talk at any time. 

He plays music, watches tv, internet short to long videos and will play this stuff around me and 

others not realizing some people do not like it and he does not care if anyone else likes it or not.

He is cult influenced. gullible. easily fooled persuaded.

He has no control over his food and drink. He can't stop himself from touching anything and everything.

Grabbing food, drinks anywhere as if it is his stuff. He has sticky fingers.

He lack of self control.

He buys bullshit sold by infomercials, scammers, cult leaders, political radicals

 who just run their mouth and sell things to viewers to make lots of profits/money. 

These people are out for the money and do not serve genuine causes.

He believes everyone is out to get your money, to get something.

He is a sucker.

He does not like window shopping because he can't stop looking and control himself and his urges

for immediate self gratification.

He  thinks you have to buy something whenever you are in a store or any sales place like outdoor flea markets

and if you don't buy something they think you are stealing, are a thief. 

He does not meditate or create writings from the self. He doesn't reflect accurately. 

He will writes notes on what others have written and said from a select few videos and books.

Peacemakers and Warmongers

Network of Abusers

 all of the people we know, all neighbors and any family member of mine he knows all 
contribute to and allow his verbal and physical abuse to me

i have told most of these people about his words and actions.

no one will do anything or listen to me because he has them convinced he is such a nice guy...the one who is always there for them to help them and fix their stuff

Things people feel bad about show their focus in life

 he always feels bad for someone who lost every material thing they had like layson and any stories he hears on the news about devastaton and weather disasters. he feels sorry for homeless people and ricky in his poor devastated state of a huge mess filth and living with a bunch of animals. 

he will often say he feels so bad of these people usually total strangers in the world and never tells me he feels bad for the things he says and does to me

on the contrary, i feel bad when i see someone hurt or am aware a person is going thru abuse at home or anywhere. i cry for their pain. i wish i could stop it.

Dirty Mind they have

 this is why I should always be covered up in my body and use caution with any word coming out of my mouth

comments made by MIKE: "what are you wearing? see thru clothes.. what do you want to do have sex with that person? (said about my eldest son who was coming over that day it was boiling hot outside and the thought never crossed my mind about doing that with my own son. I was simply hot and wanted to wear cool loose clothing. ...
" your tits are showing through your shirt, i see the tops of your breasts, i see your ass when you bend over wearing those shorts, that skirt, dress, anything."    even when he sees my legs he cannot stop himself from reaching out and touching my skin to see if my legs feel soft and smoothe. 

when you are wearing that long shirt make sure you wear long shorts to cover your rear end because someone anyone neighbors could see your ass butt. oh he (the neighbors like chris and ken) would love to get his hands on that if he sees your body. 

accuses me of having affair/relationship with any male i have met then he meets them screens them out befriends them keeps good contact with them to make sure i have nothing to do with them. thinks if i talk to someone it means i want to have sex with them. includes all people we know and have known. 

"he is a sucker" comment made when damon was little and still using bottle and breastfeeding, comment from MIKE

"here, take him. he is hungry. what do you want me to give him to suck on, my dick?" made by ED

licked licks his lips when darin was talking about being in the phillipines with young girls all around him when he goes there to visit his very young wife in her 20s

the first words he says about everything are negative and assumes 80 percent of the people will do something bad like stealing when the opportunity arises. he sees dark side of life in all areas. 

focuses on war, money, destruction, crime, corruption, 

gets irritated aggravated over all things. 

if he hears the word sex when we are around anyone he gets very angry. once we were with the neighbor sharon she was driving i was in the front seat he was in back. she started talking about the sounds men make when they are having sex and imitating them and he got a mad mean twisted face then later accused me of bringing up the subject of sex. i said she was the one who started talking about it, not me. he insisted it was me when it was her.

yet they get off on porn at home in private and expect me to keep covered up .. what do they do when they are in public and see the other women wearing super tight, flimsy, see thru clothing. lots of females show off their boobs and butt and some wear lingerie...fishnet stockings with garter belt short tight skirt and crop top like the woman i saw at the zoo on april 30, 2026. i have seen women dressed like this in various places like gas stations and stores like walmart. what do these guys do when they see the girls dressed like this?

some men hate the mature wise woman because they cant control her

 they view her as a threat

they are immature and want a young naive immature girl to dog around . a puppet  doll android who does their bidding believes their lies and thinks that he is god

any woman who sees thru his shit, intuitively senses his evil is his enemy

he is sick mentally and physically

 i dont know how many personalities he has. i only see the ones he shows me when it is only us and how he acts around others in front of me

what he does when i am not around i dont know

i suspect charles manson type behavior. maybe even ted bundy 

experts could figure him out. shrinks, doctors. graphologists. detectives. 

he coughs hacks spit and phlegm sneezes a lot.

has high blood pressure. upper shoulder back pain. hearing loss. skin issues sores on mouth. white hard pimple things on penis scrotum area. gets hot easily. needs eye exam for glasses.

i told him he needs to go to doctors. told him to go to church somewhere.. 

He punched me on left jaw chin while he was driving may 7 2026

 will do no good to file police report so i didnt call 911 or say or do anything

all that would happen is him posting bond for himself if he sat in jail all he would do is get madder and madder plotting revenge to kill me

silence after we got home around 5 pm

i proceeded to wash dishes clean up kitchen mess got some trash together then left after 7 pm got back around 930 pm went to ward parkway

he had went to his bedroom right after we got home. may have been napping so i left

someone prayed for me. i said money wont help i need the power of god

the only way it will stop is if he dies and i cant kill him

 

Dissociative multiple personality disorder research yesterday

 is is me? is it him?

If I were beautiful again.....

 with wisdom I have gained

what will I do?

Never give myself away for free especially to pigs who trample my pearls under their pig feet

Is it possible to reverse my scoliosis?

 wifhout surgery?

convenient doormat no more

Never be predictable traceable found easily

 i learned in my teens and twenties

keeping s regular schedule is death to creation and freedom

people watch what you do. predict.

interfere  block accomplishments when i have predictable known routines patterns places

run around to different places . talk to many and learn.

keep them all separate

 dress up differently

 

Slow riser. Takes me 2 or 3 hours to wake up

 always did

This place is a dirty mess

Back ups always needed

 batteries electricity shelter people backing each other up

transportation 

food and water storage

I am skinny

 he doesnt like it. lots of other people do 

I Am Starved Starving

 for understanding. attention. smart people

peace. solitude to focus 

ability to achieve goals.

order accomplishments. recognition. appreciation. love 

hugging. hugs. tenderness  closeness.

I am not getting enough regular good proper exercise

 stretching  moving freely pushing dancing splits 

leg pushes arm lifts raising myself up pull ups

hanging from hands legs twirls around bar

climbing poles ladders anything

back bends 

standing on head

rolls

swimming

handstands 

gymnastics

squats

sex

I See through the crap. Why I am most feared person in the room

 and most people run away from me

i scare people away with up front awareness 

i talk too much

it is a self defense mechanism

He just lost everything he had

 all credibility. ME.

no trust. no love. no compassion.

all the money and material things are worthless

All his hard work and money is worthless when he disrespects me

He treats me like a beat up whore

 my mistake for allowing it the second time and all times after that

my fault for forgiving over and over. my fault for being understanding making excuses for him 

my ignorance in not recognizing in the beginning and not knowing things in life i did wrong. number one never chase a man never fall in love and let him know it . he thinks you will do anything for him never leave and he can do beastly things to you for years and get by with it scot free

never think sex equals love. it is only raw animal like physical performance has nothing to do with love.

he can screw your brains out while he hates your guts disrespects you stomps you into the ground.

  he just wants to satisfy his penis somewhere anywhere anyone anything will do 

and he says it is good exercise never says i love you during or after

Eggs are precious and few. Guard them well...

I can wear most colors except my skin tone

 wardrobe mostly dark colors. black. red. forest green. navy. purple. 

nail polish dark red black dark brown

need to wear pastels beige pink light blue green lavender pale yellow orange 

white gray grey 

read that pastels are cute. dark is sexy.

no makeup or minimal is cute 

more makeup sexy

lucky me with little bitty titties like an adolescent girl. skinny waist little round butt nice looking legs with muscles and form

oval almost round face

guys hate it when i wear guy shoes . they like strappy sandals, boots. high heels. athletic shoes that look like booties, corset tops. ruffled blouses. lace. tight pants and they die when i wear dresses the typical a line or square neck or v neck styles. t shirt dresses above or below the knee. elbow length or wrist length shirt.

the men love to see my female waist. clothes that show it. belts .

tucked it blouses into skirts shorts jeans slacks

tailored jackets around waist. fitted dresses showing womanly figure.

the guys dont like wild print patterns baggy clothes lopped off very short hair like a boys crewcut

so i will add to my wardrobe missing colors of light pink and blue and purple including shoes in those colors. most of my shoes are black a few are white.

guys love delicate fragile minimal jewelry on a woman or girl. huge flashy gaudy is a no no out.

clothes and shies that fit properly and are right colors and for the occasion are mandatory.