He tells me I look terrible expects sex may 30th

 Oh it's my skinniness my skinny arms my saggy skin on my arms 

It's called sarcopenia old age at 64 . Muscle loss. Inescapable.

I go to the gym work out my arms legs back whole body. But since may 9 when I got sick I have not been able to exercise like was using weights and equipment and have not swam.

120 lbs to 124. 5 feet 3 3/4 inches. Shrunk from 5'6 1/2".

I reminded him again I weighed 118 lbs when I moved in here. Oh he says but you were younger then you've changed. 

He doesn't like my change or any changes of any kind.

So I told him he doesn't like the way I look. I don't look like a porn star or like I did. I never had big tits like he wants and I never will 

So why would he want to have sex with me. Oh it's because we are married and that's what I am supposed to do. We've done it hundreds of times for almost 35 years. That's one of the reasons I chose him. Sex. But it was his personality that won me over. I could have great sex with lots of guys. Well his true personality came out around the time his mother mom left this house in the summer of 1992. Gradually it has turned into full blown Marjorie the bitch on wheels. And his sister Karen even worse. And his hideous dead brother John and crazy brothers Jerry Bill and Larry.

I said it's not that good anyway. He said would it be better with someone else. I said I don't know. I don't want anybody. I take care of myself and that is fine. I certainly don't want another childish immature male. All they do is cause me problems and make me miserable.

October is a good month to die

 The 9th was a wedding date in 1981

The 4th is the mother in law's birthday 1944. Mother of my second husband I married on 10-9-81 in Miami Oklahoma.

Divorce was final from him on February 4, 1992. His birthday is Feb 4, 1961

The 15th was the due date of my pregnancies in 1998 and another in 1999. Both were aborted. First pregnancy was twins. Second was a single. He insisted on abortion both times and accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. He didn't want to have financial or physical responsibility of raising the children.

He reluctantly paid for abortions and insisted I get my tubes tied which I did in 2000. He has been screwing me since the summer of 1991. I moved into his house December 15, 1991.

My friend Harold Shaffer was born on October 9, 1917

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/110544334/harold_m-shaffer

It gets cold when October comes then is followed by months of very cold nasty weather. I hate it when October comes. I hate the cold, the snow, the ice and driving in it. I am stuck at home.

 When we have snow due to living on a steep hill and neighborhood people get stuck on my street often, have wrecks and slide all over these streets here.

I get sick easily because the temperature drops. I freeze to death below 60 degrees.

October is a great time to be dead. No birthdays. Just death days  

31st is Halloween hallows eve in remembrance of the dead.

It is before the holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas and new years eve and day which I never celebrate here with him or anyone. No one wants me around.

No family. No get togethers. No social gatherings. No life. Might as well be dead.

It's the gloomiest dreary time of year. Stuck at home with a man who hates my guts ruins every day especially holidays.

He hits punches me in the face jaw left side chin right before mother's day this year on May 7th.  Never even mentioned mother's day.

He will get me a birthday card and put money in it but usually won't go anywhere. I go to restaurants by myself to eat my birthday coupon deals. If he goes he bitches about the cost and the food. Never plans anything. Never fun activities. Doesn't want to waste his money on experiences.

Same for Valentine's day. A card. Flowers this year he said he bought at price chopper a couple of miles from our house. I believe it was a last minute thought perhaps fueled by some guilt since he had bought himself a 15 thousand dollar car.

No dinner or any activity for Valentine's or the wedding anniversary February 21. 1998 was the year 

February 24th he was on the phone or computer in his bedroom making a sex call to some woman which he flat out denies and doesn't know I have it recorded.

Solitude is my majority of time and getting longer more intense

I don't get bored. I am curious and thinking

Just like his family

 The last of ten children.

All are/were :

Paranoid 

Addicted to something 

Trouble makers. Love to start a fight then blame the other person 

Confused

Can't communicate properly especially with spouse wife husband girlfriend boyfriend mate partner co worker 

Make themselves look victimized

Paranoid 

Jealous 

News addicts

Several were on psychiatric medications. Some in care facilities for psychotic behavior

Sociopath 

Status image focused to public outside world

Vicious

Mean hateful 

Accusatory 

Don't want commitment or a true loving marriage relationship 

Vindictive spiteful evil

Sneaky

Hoarders

Attached to money and material things

Condemn criticize attack anyone close to them

Judgmental highly critical of everyone 

Threatening. Always threaten to get rid of partner 

Suspicious

Afraid of police

Fearful

Egotistical 

Narcissistic 

Focused on their body and face appearance .

Notice any person skin affliction like scars acne or discoloration makeup

Hair is a top priority so are teeth

Lack reflection 

Hate peace and joyful happy free people because they are jealous envious

Hobbies vary. Some are stupid fantasy driven time wasters

Impatient 

Short fuse temper

Most are fast crazy drivers

Can't take direction

Can't accept differences of anything or anyone in their minds 

Rigid fixed 

Accumulate flying monkeys they visit periodically. Flying monkeys think they are nice guy girl and are no competition to them.

Detest any confident person accusing them of being a know it all

Some diagnosed with schizophrenia . Karen Larry Jerry. All are but evaded diagnosis 

He asks questions to provoke a fight. Tells me to shut the fk up when I answer

Which is worse? Being ghosted or insulted ?