Wednesday, March 4, 2026
Learned about living with others, marriage, work, solo, peace, happiness.
Learned.
Living or working with anyone ends up being sheer hell.
Marriage is not about love. It is about ownership, power struggles, fights, wars, battles, conflict, tension.
Happiness begins in myself. It is impossible to remain happy living or working with a miserable person.
Working with other people ends up in power struggles the same as a marriage or live in situation.
Live or work with a man and he is sexually frustrated all the time.
Live or work with a woman and it is a competition to see who is dominant, who gets the man/men or if she likes women, who gets the woman and has dominace in the situation and relationships.
Who gets the prize, the prestige, the power, honor, respect in any relationship anywhere?
Well, obviously it is not me.
Most people want to make themselves happy at the expense of other people. Few people go out of their way to make anyone else happy. Lots of people enjoy instigating fights and worthless circular arguments in an attempt to push their importance and status upon others.
Most people want to be top dog vip important whether they verbally admit it or not.
People want attention and their are countless ways they go about getting it.
Any person can end up doing evil things if put into the right circumstance even if they have a pure nature. Evil as in lying, stealing, cheating, gambling, manipulating, gossiping, mental and physical harm of another being or harming themselves in an attempt to deal with the chronic abuse they have been coping with.
Competition, contests are common amongst humans and animals. Even the most passive being is in some sort of competition or contest to win at something in their life. A masochist can feel powerful when in submission, a sadist when being dominant.
Is it real power to be a martyr or a murderer? Why be either one? Why submit to punishment or punish others? What is the point? They are both losers.
Where is true power? Being yourself without involving others in your pain or pleasure? All that is wanting to be seen, heard and paid attention to by some person or other life form. The life we have is granted by the unknown universal energy / energies and will be taken away at any moment and it has nothing to do with being seen by the other forms it has created.
Can I pleasure or hurt myself when I am alone? Absolutely. I please myself often when no one else is around. The only reason I ever hurt myself is because others have hurt me, they enjoy watching me suffer and I figured I would be better off dead or crippled. That is what they want. To see me hurt, cry and be miserable. It gives them pleasure. Sadistic humans are everywhere. Their two faced phony facades are tricky. If I hurt myself first in front of them maybe they won't have to do it themselves.
I certainlty do not know and have not known anyone who goes out of their way to please me on a consistent basis without asking me for something in return. Demanding, expecting compliance with whatever they happen to want at the moment.
New plans for my bedroom I live in most of the time.
Tranform the closet into the room for a twin xl rollaway bed. Only about 30" will stick out from the closet. Perfect for me to stand on the get things out of the big closet cubby hole above where the clothes rack are that are on metal rods and pull out. I can use the metal rods to hold exercise bands while in bed and hang and stretch all I want...unlike what I have now. I have to lay on the floor to use this huge resistance band.
When the mattress is in the closet under the clothes rods I can lay on the bed and fall and stretch and move all I want without worry of getting hurt.
I will get a rolling wardrobe rack for all my clothes and put it against the east wall in my bedroom, right in the spot he said is best to put anything that is heavy.
This way I can move the bed and the clothes rack around whenever I want to.
I have rearranged my room a gazillion times in the last few years and each time it seems to be right and gets better. It will be even better like this. It will open up the middle of the bedroom so I can use exercise mats and comforters and pads and pillows and dance and exercise on these.
In my bedroom are 2 desks. One is an old wooden desk, the other is a long plastic table about the size of the desk. I have several laptops, a tablet, cell phone, tablet pad holder, 10 key adding machine I just bought new not along ago. I have a small postage scale, an inkjet printer and a larger scale for weighing heavier items. I have a wooden cabinet that holds my microwave. Plates, bowls and the popcorn maker is in the bottom of the cabinet.
I have a square plastic table against the wall between the bathroom and the closet. I use it now for my coffee maker, hot pot and two plastic bins that hold silverware.
Above the clothes closet and on some of the shelves in the master bathroom inside this bedroom I have food, coffee, tea, electric hot plate, instant pot, towels, wash cloths, paper towels, my moms shoebox of papers and pictures stored.
There is a cutout in the wall between the bath and closet with two shelves that hold spices, candles and miscellaneous items.
I have a 9 drawer metal frame cloth dresser I purchased at Walmart a few months ago. On top of it is my 32" fire tv I bought cheap 79 dollars at Best Buy last year.
A stack of 3 ring binders and paper notebooks containing my journals are in here. All of my important documents birth certificates, marriage licenses, 2 divorce decrees, etcetera are in dark blue folders on top of my desk.
A black portfolio holds in diploma from 1985 when I graduated from Bryan Institute in Overland Park, Kansas with a degree in computer programming and accounting. Other important items are in the portfolio.
The bathroom drawers and cabinets are full.
One day I will have all of my things together in one room and when I leave it will be so much easier to pack up everything in one small truck and make one trip.
I have emeril pots and pans downstairs that were a gift from my son and daughter in law many years ago. I have several vacuum cleaners. A couple of plastic totes of pictures, a tote with a small sewing machine and a slide viewer, two sewing boxes are also mine.
A small lamp I bought cheap at Walmart. A wooden jewelry box filled with obituaries and trinkets throughout the years of my life.
The microwave is his. He bought it for 20 bucks on craigslist years ago. He can have it. I will leave it lying on the floor in the bedroom when I leave here.
I need my own place. I need to disappear completely, get a passport so I can travel and be gone for at least 6 months away from here, away from him.
He needs to have me gone, be rid of me, live without me for an extended period of time or maybe forever.
I could file for divorce and later file for social security as a divorced woman and collect benefits on his account then I would probably get the same retirements benefits he gets which is double what I get which is now 544 a month. His is 1089.
I need peace for the rest of my life. I need it now.
Massaged his back for an hour and a half tonight
after we got back home from free dinner at a medicare meeting seminar
he asked me to do it after he took a hot bath in epsom salts i bought and then he asked me to use castor oil to massage him which i also bought a gallon of over a year ago.
i happily complied and said i enjoy it
he said your back must hurt and you are in pain. i said i am but it doesn't matter. i can move around stand over you bend over lean sideways use diffferent positions. it is good for me to massage others and move my body around.
he said he would massage my back if i asked him. i said i don't ask you. i don't ask people to do things for me unless it is absolutely necessary.
i have a plan to do things to take care of myself. told him i used to massage my grandma and dad and other people. dad and grandma got really bad migraines and were in tears from the pain and i massaged their neck and should arms bottom of legs feet and hands until the pain went away. they really appreciated it.
Tuesday, March 3, 2026
Getting my mojo back
hair, face, skin, muscles, body, expression...smile more often. clothes i wear.
up early today and yesterday 8 am
March 3, 2026 Tuesday. He takes off in my van after fixing power steering pump. 2 hrs. comes back takes long nap again like yesterday
2 hrs gone. sd to get propane tanks filled. stopped at dg on grvw rd first then to uhal blue ridge then to park and walked. peter neighbor called sd he had his money so he stopped by his house one block from ours and picked up sixty 60 dollars for electrical wk he did yesterday.
meantime i am at home whole time. conditioned washed my hair, showered, did sink full of dishes from yeterday. painted my nails clear. going to post stuff for sale on net.
351 he wakes up
heard him talking mumbling in his sleep nap
he turns on news crap first thing upon awakening also in the morning and falls asleep at night listening to it or something