Wednesday, April 22, 2026
The Big Cover up
That is what we are all about
Concealing our nasty natural nature to the public.
Status. Wanting to look good.
Displaying our most evil parts at home.
Guilt and shame, feeling bad are things taught to us
I think we are born without a conscience. Without remorse.
I was programmed like many to feel wrong for lots of things . I was taught to feel guilty bad responsible. Like "don't lie cheat, steal, destroy, covet, lust , be proud, get angry, break things, take more than what I need, hoard, leave a mess, be tired and lazy slothful, arrogant, cocky, bully and tease and mock others" yet I have done all those things and so has everyone else
The natural animal state is to be all these "bad" things. Corruption is in all and everywhere.
Committing murder is the only thing I haven't done yet I wanted to. The idea of jail and incarceration stopped me.
Shame blame feeling responsible for things I am not the cause of is stupid.
What good is it to feel bad ? What good is empathy or sympathy? Why should I feel bad for someone who did not stand up for themselves?
I should never feel bad or apologize for anything i thought said or did.
If i recognize I made a mistake, an error just correct myself don't do it again and go on about my life.
People dont forget anything I or you did wrong. They do not forgive.
They hold it against me all my life.
Forgiving someone once is ok and fine but when they deliberately keep hurting me or anyone else that is when forgiveness ends.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
That is the message from him. Whatever bad happened to me was my own fault. He takes no responsibility and never protects me in any situation. If I were ever attacked. ever raped and killed he would blame me
Mother: I am like his mother which he hates/hated/rebelled against
He treats me like his mother. Like I am to prepare his food, clean up his messes, wash his clothes, clean house, run errands, pay bills, due all things as if they are a duty to him and do all of his bidding and put up with all of his random messes all over the house and the yard AND endure his temper tantrums fits when he does not get his way.
He called her stupid and calls me stupid bitch Always assumes I do not know what I am doing. Has no faith no confidence in almost anything I do
In his eyes am NOT the lovely girl woman that I am to others. OTHER people quickly see my beauty and that I am fit in my body even though I have a severe curve in my back. They do not notice until I point it out and show it to them. He concentrates on how bad my back looks and constantly tells me that I am a nasty and mean person when in fact he is the big bastard to me daily.
He hates my guts. Despises me.
He has threatened to get rid of me and find another woman for many years.
He criticizes me to death.
However these days he is saying no woman wants an old man his age 65. He pretends like he has given up searching for another but i do not believe him. I dont trust him as far as king kong could throw him.
I am like a hideous beast he has to fight with every single day the way he fought his mom and his sister karen while growing up. The entire family fought with and controlled/controls each other.
There is no joy, no fun, no laughter in our marriage relationship
It is all about business, sternness, discipline, control battles where he thinks he is always right and I am wrong
He lusts after lots of pretty girls and beautiful women all over the world but he does not lust after me until the last second after he gets sick of jacking off to pictures and videos and will say "it's not the same"
He points out flaws and mistakes with each and every thing I say and do and the way I look, the way I dress, act and talk and what I like and talk about. He has zero respect for me in any area.
He thinks he has to make all of the decisions in each area of his life and mine without my input EVER.
Tells me to shut the fuck up and fuck off like he did again last night after I offered to talk to his sister about the old washing machine he wants to give her so she doesnt have to buy a new one. He does not want me to talk to her. Says I will fuck it up like I do everything else.
He says I dont care what you want frequently. When I say the same things to him he says to me he gets pissed.
I am still the biggest piece of shit in his life. Doormat Daisy Duke Dummy.
Dumping ground for all his hatred and hostility.
He talks normally and sweet to everyone but me. Yells raises his voice constantly and i ask him to lower his voice. He wont do it.
He listens to political garbage people fighting and acts like they do to me.
I want no part of that trash.
Solution: feed him sugar syrup fast food donuts cookies alcohol cake pie candy soda fast food. That is what he wants just like so many others I have known. ...Layson, harlow jundy. chris rixner, ... mike wall, tom wright, larry wilson. ed m.
These guys were are news focused. political. music movie obsessed. Cars trucks sports guns stupid videos any kind of obsession.
Their brains are everywhere but on their own wife and life.
They end up staying home making messes out of all things blasting loud shit thtu huge speakers faces in the tv headphones on blocking out reality of daily life. No fun. No play.
dirty housekeepers.
. fat bellied old men who likely couldnt get it up in the end of their lives. Several of them i know couldnt due to them or their wife telling me or medical records.
What is the connection of old men eating and drinking trash getting fat guts using porn running after teens and little girls treating their wives like dirt???
Fat gut is the sign their mind is gone to the birds trash bin
Many years ago like in 1988 89 Pete Svejda came in the gas station I was working at. Bea his accountant bookkeeper was with him. He talked to her like trash then turned to me in dr jekyll voice saying sweetie . She was thr one doing all the work holding his heating and air conditioning business together while he screwed teenage girls in the back room of his business. My father told me what Pete and his comrades did. Pete another old fat gut disgusting male . So was another of my dads associates Joe Sprofera. Fat gut bald ugly married nasty he tried to get me to go to a motel with him. I was 16.
I Need Professional Help from a psychiatrist for him asap
and a nutritionist, a medical doctor, government employees like fire fighters, policemen
basically, any help from professionals that I can get
He has so many disorders and anger and personalities I cannot help him
namely
schizophrenia, paranoia, npd narcisstic personality disorder, explosive anger tantrums fits, hoarding disorder, fear of missing out, control issues over all things, micromanaging
possible causes besides upbringing: chemical imbalances, exposure to toxic substances inhaled, eaten, ingested, drank, fixed behavior learned since infancy
On April 21, 2026 it started in the morning at home. It is usually at home when we are alone and also happens when we are out somewhere alone together.
thanks to an old cell phone I use as a camera most of the audio is recorded.
It lasted about 4 long hours earlier in the day then continued on after I got back home around 8:30 ish so most of it is voice recordings
Monday, April 20, 2026
A person cant have anything someone else wants to steal
like the homeless woman i met at QuikTrip
all she had was clothes on her back a pair of shoes a small backpack and a cell phone.
she said she fell asleep on one of the many buses she rides daily and when she woke up someone stole her phone. the only form of communication she had
how terrible
Sunday, April 19, 2026
Self serving snd self sacrificing
a balance must be made so i am not selfish or self sacrificing
if i sacrifice all if myself to self serving people i am no longer myself and a happy sane balanced person
i used to give all to make someone else happy only to discover i cannot make them happy. they suck all my energy, drain me, want more and demand more. never happy. the more i give the more they expect
and when i give too much i am not respected, not appreciated.
when i give in to something i do not want i am considered a weak stupid fool.. a naive idiot
so i have learned to set boundaries and some selfish people dont like it
too bad. wish i would have known a long time ago i am not a doormat
it is up to me to take care of myself first. clean up my messes and others should do the same.
masters and slaves are out of the question. both are miserable creatures
B words. Bitch Bastard are created
females become bitches because of bastards and other bitches
bastards become that way due to dealing with other bastards and bitches
a child is not born a bastard or a bitch
they are created by their experiences
pavlov training
nice little girls turn mean due to treatment
boys become bad for the same reason
⁶
Thursday, April 16, 2026
I love clean places and activities.
hospitals, schools, gyms, businesses like walmart and professional grocery stores
offices and intelligent people.
Never trust a filthy, messy, hoarder person. They are a disaster. Immature.
They accumulate any and everything packing things away hiding them.
It gets to the point they cannot clean up after themselves.
They do not acknowledge that they are the problem, the one touching everything with their dirty hands spreading germs and diseases. Licking their fingers and touching things. Not paying attention to their hands or things they move around.
They eat while doing anything such as while walking moving around and even while working.
They do not admit they are the one leaving dirty messes behind for other people like me to clean up.
They expect me to do their laundry, dishes, clean up the floor after they track shit all over the place and leave crap and things all over the patio, the yard and any area they have been to.
As they get older they can't concentrate much on one thing at a time and try to multitask
they do not pay attention to me or any one person, the conversation at hand.
Their mind wanders constantly. Distracted easily. They pile up things and make a disaster out of any area they work in or do anything in.
Their beds are dirty nasty full of bugs and they do not see the point in changing their sheets linens washing their clothes and bedding or any thing they have.
The dust and dirt piles up in all places of the house and any place they work at.
Countertops are rarely wiped off anywhere including bathrooms and kitchens. They freak out when the floor is cleaned properly by thorough sweeping vacumming and mopping and polishing.
They do not mind filth dirt mud rocks or any item laying around on the floor. They wear shoes almost all the time and have stinking feet and socks and shoes and boots. They wear shoes because they don't want to hurt their tender feet. If they would walk barefoot as soon as they enter the house they could feel the filth and dirt and sticky junk all over the floor.
If they would focus on their immediate environment instead of on the tv, the internet, the cell phone, the videos, the news, the radio, some crap playing thru their earphones, ear buds, headphones they would see and realize the true nasty mess of a bug and animal haven they live in.
They love to have huge pieces of electronic equipment like stereos, televisions, speakers, radios, amplifiers, reel to reel players and are easily mesmerized by the audio and videos pictures of things that are somewhere else. They ignore the person they live with and shut them out by blasting junk thru these devices.
They do not like to clean. They do not know how to do deep cleaning. Don't care about bugs, spiders, cobwebs, mice, rats, snakes coming into the house. They say it is no big deal, it is part of life living with creatures crawling all over the house and in the walls.
They are afraid of seeing a drop of water anywhere and scream and yell if they see it.
The place starts stinking and they can't figure out where the smell is coming from. The person I live with did this many times and once he took furniture polish that smells like lemon and sprayed it on my kitchen counter where I do food prep.
they put wrong liquids into inappropriate wrong containers and usually do not label the can or bottle with what is inside of it. This is a dangerous and stupid thing to do.
Instead of getting to the core, the root cause of the mold, mildew, stink they do temporary patches and buy products like "toilet bowl cleaner" or any chemical that makes it sound easy to quickly cover up the issue.
They blame other people for their problems like losing things and their impulsive and angry temper tantrums they throw every single day. They refuse to take responsibility for their own creation of disastrous messes they make.
They like to keep old boxes and containers items came in instead of tossing them immediately.
One i know even keeps a used condom of all things as if he will use it again. He also finds outdated condoms at the park and brings them home. Why? It is no good.
they love to keep expired items in the refrigerator the bathroom medicine cabinet, the food pantry basically any place. expired paint, auto chemicals, pharmaceutical drugs, ointments, creams, lotions, shampoo. toothpaste mouthwash. cleaning products.
the one i live with puts old silicone ointment cream on his legs this ointment was acquired over 20 years ago from super flea and it was expired at the time he got it.
they are scared to death to throw away anything thinking they will need to use it someday.
they treat me and people like trash and treat all the material things and money like the most precious things of all.
they do not listen to me or anyone or any business, government professionals about tossing old expired things, being sanitary, sneezing into the elbow instead of spraying into the room or any other technique to stay clean and healthy.
they are not health conscious.
they love to eat fast food anything that requires no prep.
they do not wash off fruits and vegetables before eating them.
they grab any piece of food laying anywhere and will eat it if they think it is edible
they do not believe in washing old clothes bought at the thrift store, garage sale or anywhere. they think if the item smells good it does not need to be washed. they have no idea where it came from and do not care. i have warned them it could have bug eggs in it like lice, fleas or any disease bacteria you cannot see or smell.
they pick their nose when they think no one is looking. they stick their hands down their pants and play with themselves also. they do not wash their hands after using the bathroom restroom and picking their nose and playing with their private parts.
since they eat lots of sweets and garbage and drink sugary things they have a lot of stinking body odor which they cannot get rid of even after taking a shower. no deodorant can get rid of the pit odor.
they pet animals and feed them with their fingers letting the animals touch their hands and do not wash their hands. this transfers germs and bugs and worms into the person even though you can't see the worm eggs and parasites.
they are full of parasites in their bodies and will not do anything to clean their insides out.
they have digestive issues like heartburn etcetera and do not know why and do not care to know so they will use a quick fix like tums or rolaids pepto bismol or any type of antacid or soda pop mixture to quickly alleviate the issue
their guts are a total mess
they eat junk food and suck down sweet drinks throughout the day and do not sit down and patiently eat a real meal and concentrate on the food and conversation. they get up often running thru the house or area outside or anywhere.
they love to eat lots of cookies, pies, pastries, doughnuts, candy
they will pass out old expired candy to children kids on halloween saying the food is still good
they hate to use very much soap claiming it is bad
they do not believe in using real hot water to wash the dishes and hate to use the dishwasher falsely believing it uses too much electricity and water
they will scrimp on water and electricity usage and spend tremendous amounts of money on things like home yard products, tools, automobile anything, unnecessary expensive food and drink items and will even drive long distances to get some weird fast food they are craving like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, taco bell, mexican, churchs or kfc chicken,
they hate accounting and keeping proper accurate records of their spending. they prefer to use cash as much as possible because it is fast and easy and not trackable. they buy things in secret when they are alone and hide their activities from they spouse, partner, wife or husband then they scream and yell at their wife for buying a thing she needs and wants that is good and practical
they spend lots of money on themselves and rarely buy expensive items for their wife or girlfriend. they tell her she does not need it whenever she expresses needing something like new clothes or a decent appliance that is new and more energy efficient.
they would rather keep old inefficient junk using it until it works no more instead of investing in a newer and better model of anything
Clean up after myself/yourself. Number one thing.
It is my responsibility to clean up after myself and not after anyone over the age of 7.
I am responsible for my own area only.
I refuse to clean up messes of any kind made by any person who is supposed to be a mature adult.
Tuesday, April 14, 2026
Simple men/people/women
Simple men
dont like govt and technology computers accounting planning ahead.. like animals.
don't like lengthy in depth discussions about anything
short sweet to the point
wait til last minute to empty the trash
hate daily cleaning maintenance
wait until something gets bad, a huge problem before they do anything about it
do not know how to nip things in the bud
gravitate are drawn to filthy nasty disgusting things like news, media trash,
food, clothes, work projects that get you dirty,
porn or searching for women anywhere and everywhere
just to look at lust after in mags videos and/or pick them up use them for sex and discard them once they get off
pile things up in wrong places and various areas
lack organizational skills
lack ergonomics. setting things up for ease of use
hate making lists or listening to them
can't see connections between everything
think things are only for the moment and can't see
consequences or their words and actions
hard time making things simple so things end up complicated
do things for the moment right when they think of it
wait til problem is huge before taking action
cant see patterns
hard time predicting things in advance
lack preparation in some areas
seek variety in sexual conquests
get bored easily with the woman they have
will talk on phone to the one woman wife or girlfriend saying i love you while at
the same time trying to get the woman present in the room
lie consistently
hide money, things, any item they are afraid someone might see that
could embarass them
cannot be trusted when alone or not around their wife or girlfriend
scope out areas anywhere for conquests
Monday, April 13, 2026
My natural self
My natural self
beautiful pretty cute playful easygoing accepting balanced
see all sides colors vibrations flexible
organized fun loving
practical island open friendly
beach lover party parties get togethers
socializing loving kind helpful
empathic understanding free freedom loving unique
all of my qualities he hates and steals from me by deliberately saying and doing things to hurt me with no regard to my feelings yet expects me to be sensitive to all of his feelings and needs
Neighbors friends relatives lesson. I need to keep at arms and legs length. Includes anyone I know that he knows.
he is at neighbors houses frequently and especially without telling me all his contacts with them
he does not want me at any of the neighbors houses becomes angry pissed and inquisitive if i ever visit any neighbor
yet he goes over to any of their houses constantly anytime he wants to go and expects me to stay out of it
he used to get jealous pissed when i was visiting debra phillips later debbie wall back in the late 90s. her and i would just visit sit and talk.
best for me to keep neighbors at arms length because he is tight with all of them and any of these people would tell him anything i say or do as he has them convinced he is such a useful and nice guy
this goes back over 34 years of his bonding with people in the neighborhood
tim lois nolan, irene and don rogers and family, mike michael wall and debra phillips wall, steve sharon duggan, chris rixner and wendy and anyone else he had over there, mark pollock down the street, ellen next door who stays in chris house he died 3 years ago, traci corsaut, barbara and darrell chism, ken and nancy matteson, peter webber on meadow lane, alex and mary lovely across street on kings hwy used to be rogers house
he sneaks around and texts chats talks to them in person sometimes telling me later he conversed with them
i should not say much more than hello to any of them due to him controlling the entire neighborhood
none of these people are beneficial to me anyway. they do not need to know any of my business or anything about me
he takes over every relationship i have with anyone he meets including my own family sons and seems to convince them he is such the intelligent smart capable nice guy and that i am the bitch the one causing problems all the time
every single friend and relative that he met... chuck strand, john layson, tony gomez, darin wise, jr huell bracher, kirk hupp,
he wants to know any person i know and get to know them to pry information out of them
Snowball iceberg of stupidity he is
stupid ball of stupidity. snowball effect. tip of iceberg reveals it all
warped thinking
have idea then look for proof
lacks scientific method
comes to conclusions based upon feelings with lack of evidence
is the problem and blames me for all of his problems
Writer author is alone. works in solitude. best to live by myself.
then I can concentrate freely. think. invent. write. be joyful happy flexible appreciated admired enjoy life more often
Scattered brain. all over the place he is. disrupts me often. asks me why about most things
why? tired? sugar salt junk food age aging body and brain?
hands shake. c r s cant remember things sometimes
runs from one room to the other with no notice as if he has to do something as soon as he thinks of it
is it from dirt chemicals cell damage dehydration
too much going on ?
a disease? or more than one disease or affliction
is it psychology of childhood trauma starvation guilty conscience
is it fear of missing out, of being found out?
is it desire for perfection?
is it a combination of many things?
he has short sleep cycles. snores terribly doesn't know it
says stuff he does not remember and does not want to have repeated back what he says or does
is it lack of plasticity of brain hardening of cells blockage causing constant confusion of his senses?
multiple times daily he says i said or did things i did not do and thinks other people think say and do things they probably do not do
he talks to himself when he thinks i cant hear him
he says thing to himself opposite of what he says to me sometimes
he calls other people bad names but not to their face because he does not want them to think bad of him
Friday, April 10, 2026
Male men conversations
jumpy, not in depth, short sentences about work, money, material things, activities, events, cars, trucks, automobile
go from one subject to the other quickly
Strangers and associates frequently compliment me. NOT him
on my good looks, brains, intelligence, ability, my face, hair, fit body, nice personality, talent, organizational skills, computer and cell phone savvy
Sunday, April 5, 2026
There is no one to talk to but God and strangers
i have no friends or family
for support
i am on my own
Last night He said i am the best thing that happened to him
i told him to write it down and i will show it to him next time he gets angry pissed threatens me
that will probably be tomorrow and the next day
and the next
same pattern
ambivalence
Thursday, April 2, 2026
Things not normal about humans
wearing clothes. cooking food.
forcing themselves. going against nature
eating wrong , when not hungry. substituting food for another desire.
forcing sex
languages. words.
reading writing studying thinking building
5am up 2pm down . nine hours later tired
the way it was when i had the job had to be there at 530 am
job began at 9 am i was tired 6 to 7 pm had gotten up at 730 am or so
today up at 1030 am tired 530 pm due to being awake until 430 am
Does things without telling me in advance most of the time
AND expects me to tell him what i am going to do all the time
buying things all over the place
going places i do not know where he goes
sneaking around
hiding things in his file cabinet and cardboard boxes all over in the house and in sheds
a man i knew many years ago cant say the name
strikingly similar to him in his looks, actions, attitude, habits, hobbies
he is a political and religious zealot
a hoarder, dirty about his environment, eats trashy junk food, has a bad temper,
cusses out people that buy and sell on the internet like ebay or any other
calls people stupid idiiots
uncontrollably attracted to my beauty
this guy was notorious for having affairs with women some married then moving and leaving town and saying it was a new fresh start but in reality everywhere he goes it is the same thing because of the way he is
the guy is crazy nuts schizo paranoid, a taker, a user, takes advantage of people anywhere he goes
poor at keeping records, hates accounting. points of flaws of others, highly critical
obsessed with one type of politics used to be republican switched to democrat democracy
actually is completely confused about which way to go. thinks he has to stay in one sector of a group and wont listen to and understand the various sides of things
cannot have an effective argument. one sided. black and white thinker
cant by joyful have fun everything is a battle
if no war exists he creates one
thinks his way. of thinking is the only way and hates anyone who disagrees with him having opposing beliefs
news is all day long first thing in morning last thing at night
thinks has to keep up with what is going on in outside world constantly
not meditative self reflective
The way I dress in certain clothes drives him crazy
shorts, lingerie, short dresses, anything showing rear or top of breasts, swimsuits,
a belt around my waist any item around the waist showing my shape
maid outfits, sexy hose with holes, corsets, shiny looking clothes like jackets, sequins
anything showing off my hourglass figure
so i need to be careful about what i wear, the way i dress around him
this tells me that the way any woman dresses affects him immediately
he made comments like this " what are you trying to do, attract him by wearing that see thru dress?" one day in the hot summer when my eldest son was coming over. i said no way you are being ridiculous i wouldnt do that. i am just hot and not trying to look sexy at all for anyone