Majority of my mental stress and emotional pain comes from people not myself.

 Some family familiar some strangers. Most stress is daily living at home with one person who is unknowingly brainwashed by conspiracy theories/ theory news and massive amounts of misinformation from various sources. 

He is easily influenced by others and what he sees them do. He does not admit that he acquired certain interests from other people while growing up. He says he  has his own mind, which he does however does not recognize the fact that many of his thoughts words and actions were inspired by many other people.

He does not want to admit his fears, his feeling of powerlessness yet it is easily evident. He is afraid and intrigued by anything or anyone that changes or does not have certainty. 

He has has amnesia about all of his bad behavior. He only sees things wrong with other people and situations,  hardly ever himself. 

He believes there is nothing wrong with him and that everyone else needs to change to conform to his expectations. His brother Jerry said the same thing, "I am not crazy. Everyone else is." His brother John was also the same. Egomaniac, all knowing acting like he was God and could do no wrong. His sister Karen was certifiably paranoid schizophrenic and also displayed he same types of alternating personalities going from being nice super sweet to the evil demon threatening and accusatory. She would also become physically violent attacking her own mother and brother hitting pulling hair jabbing her mom with a pencil. John dislocated his wife Rosie's shoulder when he pushed her up against a wall. 

AI overview

The general term for this is a lack of insight, while clinical and everyday descriptions include anosognosia or being unaccountable.

Descriptive and Clinical TermsLack of Insight: A general psychological term for when a person cannot recognize their own illness, flaws, or problematic behavior.

Anosognosia: A specific medical and neurological term where a physical or mental condition actually prevents a person from perceiving their own deficits or altered behavior.

Denier / Deflector: Everyday terms for someone who actively rejects clear evidence of their wrongdoing or shifts blame to others.

Incorrigible: A descriptive word for someone whose bad behavior is incapable of being corrected because they do not see a need to change.

My face and body profile and backside is ugly. I see it in the mirrors and videos

 Face. Sagging chin and neck. Big nose. Cheeks down. Mouth down.

Severe hunch back on left side. Flabby flat butt.  Not well formed at all.

Small little tits boobs with sag.

Crinkly skin and massive cellulite on ass and thighs front and back.

Varicose veins on calves especially the right calf.

A woman I know who has things in common with him

 Hates smoking. Passive aggressive. Won't say stuff to the person's face unless it's her spouse mate partner or child.

Eats all day unconsciously. Buys prepared packaged food. Likes high pitches and music . Loves to watch movies and videos. Feels insecure about body. 

Early morning riser.  Wants people to eat same food he/she is eating.

Hard working worker.  Appearance in public very important. Doesn't like skinny mate. 

Doesn't want to go out at night or go to bars night clubs 

Likes mowing grass with riding mower.  Notices jewelry rings necklace right away. 

Won't tell people straight up that they don't want them around. Will be passive and walk out of room or area instead.

Eats any time including when upset stressed. Loves carrot cake.

Shops pretty quickly. Buys same stuff 

Quiet in groups and crowds 

Bluetooth devices he has or on network at home

 Lg355fl

He turns on certain times of day. Evening especially  lg355dl

Cmwifi-

Earphones not sure if brand 

Does not want to do anything fun with me or see me smile laugh or be happy

 So who does he have fun with???

Untold fantasies and real life experiences...

 nobody ever wanted to share me or tie me up in bondage. they want to own me, possess me and be sure i am not with any other guy man male. they said/say stuff like "you're mine and nobody elses" and "if another person was involved in sexual encounters like a threesome or more "it would cause hard feelings"

a couple of guys tried it for fun then looked at me and said i can't do this to you..i want you free

................................

the psychologist psychiatrist therapist woman on youtube said it is pretty easy to figure out what someone's fantasy is by their outside persona, personality 

she described in detail what my/your fantasies mean subconsciously

what is interesting is some fantasies i have now are the same ones i had when i was a virgin. i was 15 and a half when a scorpio trickster man took my virginity ...cold heartedly dumping me right after we had sex the second time

vigin fantasy; being loved by several men at once. this is something that i have never done. it hasn't happened (yet, i should say). not sure i could allow myself to be caressed and screwed by more than one man at a time. 

just pure fantasy because in real life i can't stand the idea of stranger guys men touching me. this is why i never got a job dancing as a stripper in a club or adult place.

the innate desire is that i just want to be wanted by many. which, in the past was very very true. countless 100s approached me and i have no idea how many men wanted me but never said or did anything about it. the ones who secretly desired by body..i will never know.

Recording. Did it really happen if it was not recorded?

TRASHY WHORE AND VIRGINAL GIRL THEY WANT BOTH.

 adolescent males boys young and old men/man, guys want both these types of females girls women

saw a great video not long ago where the asian lady described this perfectly

the female they want is always out of reach

if they have the virginal one they desire the prostitute type

if they have the whore they want to virgin kind of woman

never ever satisified with what they have

always wanting someone out of reach the have to fantasize about, strive for and work their balls off for

the easier the girl is to get the less respect they have for her

they will screw my/your brains out and still have no respect for me/you and down deep hate my/your freeking guts all because you are there taken for granted all the time hanging around in their face. the more i do the less they appreciate care for. and he/they will never really love me or you as long as he thinks i am always going to be there at his beck and call or to be the doormat slave tramped into the dirt on the floor

i or you will never get the respect desire and love once he concludes that i am the easy or free type

At 14 15 16 17 18 into my 40s...even 50s..desired Even today at 65

 stopped at a gas station the other day met the employee their 

after a half hour or so of talking he was all over me

hugging, wanting a kiss i would not allow

Mirrors are mandatory.

 Mirrors are mandatory.

 For sight. Knowing what is coming at me.

Adding light into the room. Seeing what the outfits look like from 

all angles

I can see how others see me.

If not for mirrors a person would never know how they look

Narcissist, narcissism? Or just wanting to be sure I look presentable in public or

private around other people who judge everyone and everything by sight, what they see instantly

Money I spend on these things.

 Little things. Food, cleaners, soaps, shampoo, conditioner, hair color and care, skin care, deodorant, toothpaste, 

bedroom and office furniture

computers cell phones calculator

clothes, shoes, coats

beddings

laundry supplies

disinfectants

Car and house most expensive and important things. Him male focus. Mine has been little things filling the house. Huge mistake.

5am asleep 145 pm up July 25th 2026

Blank paper and a pen top #1 priority turn on for me. White screen to type on. Computer, cell phone..anything to express myself communicate relay info

Dead. Him/me. When?

Spotting insanity is not always easy. People are good at presenting presentable faces in public.

Fruitier than a nutcake

Good for the goose is good for the gander. Opposite: What is good ok for him is not good or okay for me

Contradictions contradictory nature of man woman human beings prevails

He runs on spur of the moment thoughts usually not saying anything when leaving the room or my presence

Recycle bin tonight. He tossed an empty plastic container of suppositories,suppository.

 see reference to d/l down low...recently discovered the term dl

i need to miracle of god force universe universal energy to carry me through this insanity at home

Miserable son of a bitch a hole bass turd he is and getting worse every minute.

632 pm friday night he decides to go to sister sherrys with tomatoes and food she doesnt need. 802 pm back already.

when he got back said went to sherrys she didn't want tomatoes or food now she has diverticulitus. he said he called her when he was at menards in raymore then he drove all the way to darin wises house and dropped off the food. sd he talked to darin recently and he was wanting tomatoes. it is news to me.

i am wondering why he did not call or text her in advance well before driving all the way out there. he had mentioned yesterday and day before that he had not given her tomatoes yet this summer year.

He seemed to be in better mood when he got back.

Why?

 has never done that before. his sister works at a grocery store hyvee and does not need anyone to bring her canned goods or anything. 

i asked what he was doing. became nasty and belligerent. just leave me alone with horrible mean look on his face.

he had awakened from a long nap laying in the garage

suspect he is going somewhere else along the way and trying to cover it up

took off he said "I would take you with me but you always have your opinion about everything and you make life miserable for me"

totally suspicious activity on a friday night.

claims he is also going to menards in raymore missouri

he was a bastard ass upon awakening from nap talking to me like shit just because i put some small weights on top of old carpet he has on top of buckets outside in the back and said you cant keep those cats away. 

this morning insulted me again about my hair saying i dont like your hair black i am not used to that. youve never had your hair that color. i said i died my hair black in 1998 and you proposed marriage to me right after that you said "black beauty" when you walked in the front door i was sitting on the couch in the living room when you saw it.

and i colored my hair the same color in january this year 2026 so yes i did have it very dark brown black.

he is either losing his memory or pretending to do so just coming up with any hateful mean rotten insulting rude comment he can make to me about anything...from the way i look to what i say or do or clean or move anything around anywhere.

My suspicions now about him

 he has an alias maybe more than one. possibly using more than one identity and having more than one phone number. he used to have a google voice number so maybe he got another one i dont know about. 

he orders things has them shipped somewhere else besides the house. I just found a bunch of pullover jackets I have not seen him wear. I found an air force green jacket in the hall closet upstairs.

he has many faces and presentations I do not know about

possibility of being d/l either subconsciously or in person ( being bisexual and i never knew about it due to his intense jealousy hatred towards me and abuse verbally and physically to me. he has numerous males he is friends with that I know about. I have no idea if he has other men boy male associates anywhere else i don't know about.  ..there was a photo taken by my old google home camera in my bedroom in august 2025 picture of a young boys face I do not recognize that was captured on camera in my bedroom. One video the camera took also in august 2025 shows him entering my bedroom going into my bathroom with a flashlight in his left hand. he comes out of the bath with a 3 penis looking silicone dildo thing i have never seen before.  In March 21 2026 early am right after we had sex the audio recordings of him alone in the room include him saying...'suck my dick...that girl wants to do it...if she did..then ..." and 'dick in me..i can do it... its better than nothing that's for sure'

his overly masculine activities in hard work and wanting to appear muscular bigger and taking pains looking good with his face hair and teeth. his homophobic attitude. he told me many times it is impossible for me to tell if a guy is gay by the way he acts in public.  i was referring to males that act feminine as being obviously female acting homo men. i do not know about the men who are into sports bodybuilding athletics ..the really masculine guys who are homo or bisexual and i cant tell by their actions or speech. 

his expectations that i should be able to do the same work as him and set my seat and mirros the same distance he uses because he thinks we are about the same height and arm length which is totally untrue.

Trump obsession with him. He is so much like him. He is one of his idols

 all about looks of people: women he judges by their looks instantly and smiles real big when he is around a pretty beautiful cute woman. he thinks he is an attractive ladies man not by his looks but because he has money. 

egotistical. mouthy. rude. pushy. arrogant. know it all. claims to know everything about subjects he knows nothing about.

lacks class of himself. desires it from others who have natural class.

accuses others of fraud. paranoid. suspicious. threatens. threatening. accusations.

Emotional intelligence is low. Age 3 or 4. Biological age is 65.

He has succeeded in hurting himself NOT me with his words ...criticism, anger, fits, tantrums and his actions.

Marielle said, "He is killing you" back in the fall/winter of 2021/2022

Each person wants to feel loved, wanted, accepted and attractive. I feel none of those things with him.

The Last Insult JULY 15, 2026

Everything he does is fast. Like a racing jack rabbit.

He use to use google voice and give that number out often

 so maybe he got a new one and uses it for auto parts stores or listings, ads, craigslist etcetera

So today I just signed up with a new g voice number. Had to scan my drivers license to verify my identity.

Unaware of himself?? Or he just doesn't care how he acts towards me???

Overly hypersensitive to all stimuli of the five senses.

SIGHT
being number one. 
Any image of any person that does not fit hit ideals causes immediate disgust anger hatred. 
Examples, people he thinks are mexican, black. Fat overweight, too skinny. ME: flat chested, crinkly skin, cellulite flab. 

SMELL

Certain scents he hates. popcorn, seafood/fish cooking. perfume scents sprays used in household, scented candles, warmers plug ins, cat piss pee urine spray. Crap, shit, notices more especially if the other persons rectum ass hole is seen/visible. 
cigarette/cigar smoke and will imagine he smells smoke coming from an electronic e cigarette vapor atomizer if he knows I usually do it and has claimed it stinks smells and that he could smell it even when I haven't been using it. 

Scents he does not mind at all: Gasoline, car chemicals, exhaust fumes unless it is diesel.
Lemon he likes, real or fake scented lemon. 

SOUND

TASTE

TOUCH

What are the correct words to describe his behavior? Adjectives.

People do online what they do in real life.

Children pretty girls pets get things and money they don't have to work for

He fails to recognize the good things anyone does especially me. He has zero appreciation for existence or efforts or purpose of other people

He reluctantly and hatefully does things for me. He detests having to do anything for me.

He keeps track of all things he does for others or "gives" or buys for them right down to the penny

 He never really gives anyone anything

He expects to be paid for all things just because he is alive

The little girl is key to kayla getting what she wants.

 and I read that a woman acts like a little girl around a man when she feels safe and protected by him

some actresses/models with this essence

audrey hepburn, marilyn monroe, 

Liz Lizzy kitty same name as my 2 best girlfriends.

Pooping and peeing. Most important thing is elimination.

Jumbled up scattered puzzle pieces coming together

 when I look back over the years remembering all kinds of weird stuff that has happened things begin to start making some sense now

Sitting around rotting is not what I need. Pain and a crooked back are no excuse to be a piece of furniture.

Equipment for exercise and space I need.

Cameras microphones recording devices everywhere. Act as if you are being recorded at all times

Mirrors everywhere

Monkey shit

 At the gym a couple of months ago this guy named Alex, who said he was a body builder was showing me how to use some of the equipment and proper exercise form.

He said "You are doing some monkey shit" when I got on the assisted lift, raised both my legs up and straddled the machine.

I said, "We are monkeys".

Signs of a down low man in a relationship. Very good article. Explains lots of familiar things I recognize

 https://inspirepearls.com/blogs/relationships/signs-of-a-down-low-man-in-a-relationship

Signs of a down low man in a relationship

Recently discovered a term "DL" it was from a guy on FB. Down Low behaviors

 DL = down low meaning he is secretly gay appearing to be straight

notes and memories of his behavior words and actions

pantyhose obsession has to feel it when sees it. any hosiery with holes in it or designs is sexy turn on for him

any soft material look must touch it

hair obsession, his and mine, constantly focuses on and says my hair usually looks flat therefore dirty when i have just washed it. my hair is fine and naturally lays flat unless it is cut really short

wears my womens makeup foundation on his face must cover any marks scars red spots pimples

teeth obsession buys tons of toothbrushes toothpaste mouthwash

homophobic talks against gay men acts like he doesn't understand it yet

loves idea of homosexual women having sex with each other

single male friends he has...don't know of any married ones only my 2nd son is married

gossips about others

knows all about neighbors 

legs are smoothe, he might be shaving them

hates women, most abusive to female mate/spouse/wife/partner. A misogynist.

acts over masculine in public

avoids physical contact with anyone men or women in front of me

gets upset if i hug or touch anyone male or female

smell of ass crap shit main focus during sex (why?..maybe he smelled ass too much from doggy style rear ending other people)

doggy style is one of favorites but cannot do it very long

me on top is how usually ends

same old sex positions patterns every time

afraid of ejaculating in my mouth

highly attentive focused careful not to make a mess leave semem come sperm on anything . focuses intently on cleaning up aftewards.

within a few minutes after sex leaves abruptly. zero none love cuddling affection before during or after sex

sex is only a release to have an orgasm and he says it is "good exercise", a comment I have never heard any other man say

a camera in my bedroom he apparently forgot i had in there last august of 2025 showed 2 different outstanding things: a picture of a face i have never seen, a young white male probably a teenager with short cropped hair on top of his head probably blond or light brown hair and a video of him coming into my room that night when i was gone. he went into my bathroom holding only a flashlight and came out holding an object in his left hand which looked exactly like 3 fake penises held together..all the shapes had the head of a dick on all three he held tightly in his hand. this is an object i have never seen before. 

he goes ballistic mad temper if any part of my butt or too much top of boobs is shown

throws fit if i exercise on floor even when wearing leggings and spread my legs in any fashion

avoids refuses public displays of affection pda. no holding hands, no kissing, no hugging. totally avoidant.

walks 10 20 or 30 feet ahead of me when we go anywhere and avoids shopping with me in any store

he tells me i can't tell if a guy is gay by anything..the way the look, dress, talk, act. in some cases this is true especially if the guy acts totally macho 

obsessed with listening to watching news or stories that prove a point prove a thing he believes is true such as et extraterrestrials ufo flying saucers, reincarnation, psychics edgar cayce

goes to a favorite park the one he likes the most and hangs out in the parking lot before and after walking. it has lots of hidden dirt trails in the woods. perfect place like a hideout for anyone to do all kinds of things that can be hidden done in secret away from prying eyes. who knows how many possible encounters and people he met in the woods over the last 20 or 30 years. 

he does not like walking trail parks that are cement wide open where all people are visible/easily seen and spotted . he says the cement /concrete hurts his feet. 

adhd attention deficit disorder. all over the place. hard to track around the house and yard. I have no idea what the heck he does when he leaves the house. when we are together he tends to say something about a person when we are close to where they live and has sometimes just popped in a person unannounced so i am thinking when he is by himself he probably does this alot. .. as soon he thinks of something he does it. 

this unplanned spontaneous behavior makes me think he visits places and people on the spur of the moment and does not tell me later where he was or who he was with. he has told me about some incidents where he suddenlty decided to go visit a relative. example; a few months ago he said he was leaving the dump site off raytown road after dropping off brush and decided to go visit his uncle in lees summit because he figured he wasn't that far from his place. i don't think he called the man to see if he was home first. he just popped in and surprised him, thinking..oh he is old and doesn't go much of anywhere so he will be home. He also allows this "pop in" behavior frequently from people we know that do this to him/us . I am sick of these people just "deciding to come over" and they are only 5 minutes or 15 minute drive away from the house. And the ones who just come over which is totally unexpected and unknown to me but HE already knew the day before or several days before they were coming over and he FAILED to tell me about it.  This crap upsets my home life making it difficult for me to EAT on a regular schedule and do anything without fear that these oddballs are going to just DROP IN UNEXPECTEDLY ON ME.

so now I have ideas that he probably meets strangers then suddenly decides to go to their house or go out to eat with them. he did admit he went to a mexican restaurant with the old man at the park one day several years ago. he did not tell me about it the day it happened. he referred to it many years later after recalling the incident. he also said the old lady at the park named grace lives right by the PARK he favors and he has been to her house. 

I wish I had access to the google maps on his phone and could trace all these places over the years.

suppositories he uses when can't go/constipated. has done for many years. i offer easier things like eating right, drinking lots of water, taking senna pill night before but he doesn't want to do this. he likes to see immediate results for things and sticking a suppository up one's rectum is probably faster. he also refuses to try taking an enema which would give fairly quick results. i have a nice bag for this i bought a few years ago. 

I took my food in my bedroom. Got some frozen blocks to put in cooler bag.

 so i can eat in peace

Visual. His eyes rule everything. God may take them out.

 visual, his eyes rule everything.

shallow, superficial, hypocritical. phony. black and white thinker. prejudiced. selfish. self centered. egotistical. mean. thoughtless. mouthy. rude. lacks basic understanding of being normal and polite. 

fake. impulsive, irrational. brain damage. dementia setting in. hands shake like a leaf. small minded. unable to plan out much of anything. 

must have some kind of media device going most of the time whether it is tv video cell phone radio cd player tape vhs dvd movies news ..uses using earphones headphones most of the time as if he can't stand silence peace to be content with his own self/mind 

You don't look good, he said about 1/2 hour ago (JULY 15, 2026)

 without regard to consequences of his words.

"Your tits are flat and sagging," he said.

I said, "Lots of women run around jogging and go to the community center and gym wearing tight little tops and shorts. All people of all shapes, sizes and ages in public."

"That's different. They look good. You don't," he said.

Words out of the mouth of the man I just had sex with last time on July.. and have been having "great" sex with since the first time in 1987. Thousands of time we have enjoyed sharing our bodies. 

Now WHY the horrible insulting comment about how flat my chest is??? Only thing I can conclude is that he is and has been looking at big tits and/or feeling big boobs on some other woman's body, which, of course, he flat denies. 

Later I told him he doesn't look that good, is not how he was when I met him. Rotund belly, skinny legs, ugly aged aging face. 

I said go get the big tits. Get yourself a short fat woman who eats all the time like you do. She bakes cakes and pies and cookies OR just buys them and eats them all the time. She is just like you and does hard manual labor MAN work. 

For many years now I have told him he needs a clone of himself he can live with and fuck since he relishes ONLY the work and the things he does. He prides and prizes himself and all of that he thinks, says, does and the way he looks. He looks in the bathroom mirror and the big hallway mirror holding his hand and arm over his chest..he carefully combs his hair each time before he goes out trying to make sure there is not one strand out of place. He uses massive amounts of toothpaste and mouthwash every night and thinks it is good enough to prevent rotten teeth and cavities. He continues to buy more and more toothpaste, mouthwas, pain relief creams, aspirins, aleve ibuprofen, stuff to stop tooth pain. He uses this ancient out dated expired silicone ointment cream on his legs in the winter, a real toxic substance. He uses precreamed shortening..hydrogenated vegetable oil in a can to put on his privates to relieve himself and thinks it is okay and "won't hurt you " (referring to me and my vagina, which is dead wrong).

He stinks to the rotten max high hills when he begins sweating out his armpits due to the massive ingestion of sugary drinks and junk food. 

This is the last insult from him to me and no amount of money or time can pay for it.

I eat large quantities of food in one sitting. I am skinny and satisfied

Bright light hurts my eyes when turned on suddenly in a dark room. It's blinding

I only eat when I am hungry

 Some people eat for other reasons 

I only touch my Private places when they need attention

 Some people touch themselves for other reasons 

Modern day Savages in the news. Ohio state July, 2026

 The sex urge is dominant even in the worst possible situations.

The male wants to keep the female quiet, in submission and make her easily available for his sexual desires at any moment. Captive. Isolated. 

Children are to remain quiet, uneducated, shielded from the outside world so they can't escape, cannot seek help. They know no different than the home they are in because he keeps them isolated from the neighbors, the world in general. They will not seek help because they do not know anything is wrong with their father's behavior. 

He/him/husband/partner/mate shields her from the knowledge, the world and wants her to keep her body covered up to everyone except him.

He is free to say and do whatever he wants. She is not.

He does not want her to know she is attractive to anyone else. 

He ogles other females girls women or whatever happens to turn him on at the moment. She is NOT to look at others and never make a scene or display of her body. She is to be kept under lock and key while he galavants roams around constantly looking for new victims.

He wants her to keep her mouth shut and submit to him at every moment. 

Just like this one movie I saw when he told her It will be all right if you don't say anything. Keep your mouth shut or I will cut your tongue out. She said one word and he did cut out her tongue. She had been kidnapped held captive raped repeatedly by 3 crazy insane brothers who lived out in the country on a farm like area with old sheds old house and no one could hear if anyone screamed for help. The girl was tied up in an animal pen made for hogs or chickens or something. Tied up with ropes so she could barely move and kept on the ground. Fed very little. She got pregnant by one of them; father unknown.

This news story just came out JULY 2026 with the state of OHIO being the location is similar to what these savage crazy animalistic males did to that woman in the movie.

MALES MEN WANT TOTAL CONTROL DOMINANCE over territory and females womens and children. Most will work in some fashion or career, usually outside of the home. They want to dominate the property they live in and outright own in free and clear and do whatever they want on their property in their residence or any other building they are in our in any outside place such as in the woods or the wilderness.

They want curtains/blinds closed. No one can see inside thru the windows. They will block out windows with anything like plywood, boards, drapery, curtains, blackout curtains, cardboard...whatever happens to suit them. 

Behind closed doors it is the same thing over and over... They want to be fed, have the woman take care of all cooking, cleaning and sex demands.

How people, a person, me end up isolated

 Live with a person like my grandmother Sarah, a narcissist.

She had one way to do all things: Her way. No disagreements allowed. 

Controlled who I associated with. Would not allow me to use my own judgement to determine character of others or anything else. Banned certain tv shows, food and drink, activities. Spending the night at most people's houses.

End result. A child then teenager then adult (ME) who lived her own little world controlled by her. 

I began writing in a diary at age 9. My release of her domination on paper by recording things that happened and writing my feelings and emotions on paper in ways that were kind of "coded" so if she ever found my diary/journals she wouldn't feel offended, take it personally and destroy my work.

Sweet memories of watching Damon

Realize I am old at 65. Took selfie pictures today. Look terrible.

It is no consolation to know other women go thru the same things I do. It does not fix the problem.

 removing myself from the situation is the only way to solve the issue

fixing a broken person is impossible

IMMATURE childish arrogant impulsuve

IMMATURE childish arrogant impulsuve

can't see consequences of his words and actions

violent hateful pushy aggressive loud mean haughty

UPBRINGING and gestation in his mother's womb formed him.

This created his diet, habits, thoughts, feelings, opinions.

He says he has his own mind and thinks for himself. True for some things but 

most things about him were formulated by family and experiences. Just like

most people. 

I really think the massive sugar he consumes,sodas, fruit juices, gatorade..old powder that

has been down in the pantry for years, bbq and  hot sauces, salt, artificial colors, flavors and food, 

alochol...rum in particular along with whiskey wine bourbon and beer,

the chemicals he has been and is exposed to have affected him terribly.

Something causes his hands to shake and I don't know what it is.

VISUAL is primary function. Constanly looking around. Miscalculating what I am

going to do, focusing on things and people and animals  he sees and frequently misjudging them. 

Will throw a fit over a scratch, real or not, on something like the car, a countertop or floor

but not bothered by grainy crap dirt and dust of floors and all thru the house and yard, garage and sheds.

Not bothered by bugs, spiders, ants, roly polys, flying insects. One day when he wakes up with bugs 

crawling all over him or mice in his bed on the garage floor he might be bothered.

scatters shit all over the place inside the house and in and around the yard.

says he cant find anything if it is put away out of his sight

covers kitchen table with papers, cups, mail, ads, seed packages, anything he feels like putting on the table.

Misplaces things then accuses me of moving them, taking them or throwing his stuff away

usea the wrong items and tools, kitchen items  to do things

wrong knife, uses same one for everything, a long bread knife

microwave lid, any big bowl, turkey baster pan ...uses any available container to get stuff out of garden instead of 

containers i bought specifically for that purpose

keeps old shit crap junk items no longer usable or inefficient for its purpose 

such as: the same old bathtub drain plug, metal, that leaks and does not fit right and has no strainer to keep hair or anything from going down the drain.

even smalls pieces of cloth, rags, jewelry, lots of things can end up going down the bathtub drain

does not know how to foresee consequences of projects or design things to prevent accidents

puts large fan in doorway from garage to entryway. i cut my leg open on it. he doesn't care. it

didn't happen to him.

leaves garden hose draped across the yard so people can trip over it and tells me

this and anything else he puts in the walkways or hallways is NO BIG DEAL JUST go around it

or move it out of the way. Same goes for the refrigerator disorganized often crammed with stuff

puts filthy shoes boots on top of surfaces we eat off of like the patio table

i bought or any surface top outside. 

plants trees, bushes, vegetables in garden and can't foresee how big they will get thus

causing lots of extra work and maintenance. totally unnecessary work that wastes time

will not listen to any information advice from me or anyone else. things  i learn from others or by doing internet searches

he will not listen to... just says shut the fuck up you think you know it all

thinks he automatically knows how to do anything without researching, asking advice

says whatever he wants to me without filtering it, without thinking first yet instantly

blows up if I say anything he deems is in disagreement with him

Makes quick decisions on things doesn't think them through ends up working more than twice as hard

as a person should on many things around here then blames me for all the stuff he has to do and

says I cause problems and start fights, harass and nag him every day

Death is a permanent release of it all. No more breathing. It's over for good.

Men are dogs, Liz, 17, my best girlf friend told me. I was 16

 She laughed and made some barking sounds and let her tongue hang out.

She and I are cat women. Especailly black cats.

Liz passed in 2014. Her spirit lives on. Talkative, lively, active, full of fun and laughter. Intelligent. wise for her age. Sociable. Lots of friends. If it hadn't have been for her, I probably would have been the awkward, shy, backward introverted book worm that I was then. The geek nerd who had very few friends.

I was not popular in school at all. A real dredge drudge.

 Elizabeth Ruth Bozarth Wheeler Stephenson

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Elizabeth Ruth Stephenson
STEPHENSON Elizabeth Ruth Stephenson, 54, Belton Missouri, formally of Lake Ozark Missouri, died June 11, 2014. She was predeceased by father, Leslie H. Bozarth and brother, Leslie S. Bozarth. She leaves her son, Brent Wheeler, Lake Ozark Missouri; husband, Paul Stephenson, Peterlee, Great Britain; mother, Peggy Bozarth, Belton; siblings, Stan Bozarth and Teresa Grimaluskus, Belton, Jeremiah and Joshua Bozarth, Kansas City and Connie Bozarth, Corvallis, Oregon as well as several nieces and nephews. Cremation, private memorial in Oregon. Arrangements: Cullen Funeral Home, Raymore, MO (816)322-5278


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Published by Kansas City Star on Jun. 13, 2014.
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6 Entries
A year goes by and you are still truly missed, Bless you Liz - Paul
Paul Stephenson
June 10, 

 

2015
I'm so sorry Paul. I didn't know. :-( Rest in Peace Liz.
Julie Bierens
October 27, 2014
Paul Stephenson
June 14, 2014
god bless you liz xx
jacqueline and mick jackson
June 13, 2014
Paul Stephenson
June 13, 2014
I will miss you dearly, rest now theres no more pain
your loving husband Paul
Paul Stephenson
June 13, 2014

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good friend of mine starting in high school
Belton, Missouri
we were teenagers. She was 16. I was 15 years old
when we became very good close friends

She was
Born dob June 2, 1960
I told her she was the mirror of my mind

How to stupefy a society. Make them stupid and sick mentally and physically

 Feed them drinks and food that taste good and are fake. this dumbifies the brain and body.

Fill their time with watching screens full of videos that are not real life

Tell them stories like fairy tales

Brainwash them into believing they have to do things they do not desire to do 

Make them feel inadeqaute and insignificant if they don't compete and compare themselves to others especially those in the media like television, music, sports industries

Make them beleive their is always something wrong with their looks, dreams, desires, mind and soul

Tell them that anything worth having is worth fighting for and working hard for. Everything must be a war.

Unrighteous try to make righteous people feel guilty and sinful for doing the right things

RIGHTEOUS is acting in accord with divine or moral law : free from guilt or sin.

 RIGHTEOUS Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster

Jul 5, 2026 · The meaning of RIGHTEOUS is acting in accord with divine or moral law : free from guilt or sin. How to use righteous in a sentence. Synonym Discussion of Righteous

Having to be right or actually saying and doing the right things: Which is more important?

Lots of creations happen in the bedroom

 or kitchen or garage or basement or any room at home

ideas pop up anywhere some at strangest times like while driving a car, dreaming, spacing off, waking up,

eating, meditating, talking in conversation with a synchronized being, in the company of a familiar

A Fool and his mouth are soon parted. As people evacuate the area.

Porn o copia : Irony of fantasy hard work admirers and obsession with watching others DO things especially sex. The pot of GOLD en Honey HORN of Plenty

 Wonder what he will do when he finds one of his family members such as sister, cousin, niece or one of his friends, old or new, or neighbors, someone he knows personally who is on or has been in porn movies?????

What about his own mother? Doubtful but possible. Anything is possible.

What if he saw his wife, girlfriend, ex in the sex tapes? What would his reaction be? *Disgust???** OH, but it's not so disgusting watching STRANGERS do it....

Do any of these guys/men ever wonder who these women ARE in these fake videos and films? 

What do these men and women DO for a living besides suck fuck and screw on tape? 

Are they doing any of the HARD work he admires so much? Like yard work, mechanical, electrical, woodworking, any kind of manual labor with instense use of the muscles besides their vagina or penis?

this is a guy who is paranoid about people peeping looking into the windows of our own house at night whenever there is a light on. he lays down the law about the kinds of clothes I can wear out of this house forbidding even anything that looks like a corset top. any item that is see thru in any fashion, anything that shows my butt cheeks (short shorts) or tops or sides of my breasts/boobs much liess going WITHOUT underwear at any time even if I am wearing a thick cloth dark dress or shirt no one could see through. I am not to wear shiny stuff, sequin ornamented items, those oh soo sexy hose i have that look like stripes ........

He does not realize that men make passes at me even when I am NOT dressed in sexy revealing clothes.  I have been wearing a plain old dark t shirt and baggy jeans and a baggy jackets and men have come at me. I have worn a classy white tailored shirt and black slacks..professional dress clothes and had guys try to get me. While shopping, at work, in the neighborhood, virtually anywhere.

He respects those in the media far more than anyone in his real life

An intelligent person especially a woman, primarily ME, is the biggest threat to him

 I am his biggest threat

He views me as the ENEMY not the PARTNER. There is no fairness or equality in his mind. I am beneath him in all ways he believes he is SUPERIOR to me.

From Adam to Zach the males want ONE thing: to have sex with as many women as possible

 the heterosexual or bisexual ones, anyway.

the truly homosexual have no interest in having sex with the female body

Ted Bundy's demeanor reminds me of someone I knew/know

Bundy. The sneaky little devil wimp with half closed his eyes when he talked. The one who tilted his head sideways in interviews. Wouldn't look the interviewer straight on and meet his eyes/his or her gaze. The sideways looking SNAKE charmer. 

The two 2 faced lying criminal bastard sob. 

he tried to appear intelligent, knowledgable, smart. studied in law school, politics. worked on a suicide line acting like he was helping those desperate lonely people who had given up hope on life. 

he really thought he was one SMART sonofabitch. in reality he was one of the dumbest asses who ever existed. a discredit to humanity. a loathsome COWARD.

he definitely wanted to LOOK good and make people think he was a good, honest upright citizen of the world. the clean cut little boy acting attitude full of demonic possession.

he sneaked around getting girls and women, killing them and raping their bodies, dead or alive.

he wanted the victim motionless, stationary as he took his rage out on the poor girl

he was a voyeur, hiding in the bushes, lurking around spying on unknowing girls while

jacking off in the bushes

he claims porn is what caused him to be this way.

there may be some truth in it however he showed zero self control and a lot of 

deliberate premeditated planning in his assaults, attacks, bludgeoning these ladies to death

he loaded his nasty little vw volkswagen with his kill kit. he made his car so she couldn't get out the door

he tossed her into the back seat with all his killing material tape hammers tire tools and what not

he knew where he would take these innocent prey so he could continue to assault and rape them while alive and after they died

cold blooded calculated pure evil sex maniac control freek. fake, phony, false. weak. bully. wimp ass who couldn't fight a man.

he had his whole family, co workers, any associates he knew at work school or was related to including his innocent shy girlfriend who had no clue as to what mr hyde was doing on his "days off".. he had them all fooled with his fake college boy look and act. his well groomed hair, his careful speech patterns.

his fake injuries to his body like when he put a cast on his arm to make it look like he was injured weak and harmless ..then he would ask a young dame for her help carrying his books or come up with fake reasons to get her into his car

he attacked those girls women and ladies who he thought were weaker than him.  

he never had the balls to fist fight a MAN. he was ballless, without good testicles.

He can't keep his hands off of anything or anyone: Michael Lynn Stillwell. MIKE

Many faces of me, of human beings

 I see the countless faces and "hats" of other people and myself.

The faces I/we show in public, to the outside world and the multiude of faces and emotions we show in private.

The more she does the less she gets

Lots of memories return with this silent solitude

Don't remind me I'm not in my 20s or any previous biological age in years.

Things he has in common with his buddies

 doesn't like children

treats women like dirt and slaves. used for sex and menial work 

acts like he is single

impulsive spur of the moment 

stops in on people and has people drop in at the last minute 

no planning

eats nasty trash junk sugar and sweet drinks

lacks self awareness

not normal social behavior rude impolite

calls people names like stupid idiot 

egotistical

jumps to do things with other people and if they have a girlfriend or wife she is last

lacks organizations skills 

scatters junk and trash and boxes of stuff all over the place

works in filthy grimy jobs manual labor 

does not know how to treat a lady

views watches porn and magazines videos tapes dvds stuff on the internet

wants neighbors and strangers to admire and respect him and does not care if their wife or girlfriend has any respect for him. he puts her last 

he tells her to shut the fuck up and hits her in the face mouth body and sometimes knocks her down onto the ground floor and pushes and shoves her when he gets angry

gets angry over the littlest stupidest things 

has no self control

drives too fast

cusses out other drivers

always looking around for a new piece of ass

secretive hides nasty behavior behind closed doors

doesn't change bedroom sheets blankets very often and does not wash towels linens or clothes often ...will wear same filthy clothes over and over

shoes and socks stink

picks nose spits anywhere sneezes all over the place puts dirty hands on everything 

incorrigible, cannot learn basic simple things 

arrogant, prideful, hateful, self satisfying, 

hides money

gets things for himself and hides the stuff 

uses cash frequently so it can't be tracked

locks up things in a cabinet or other places and will not reveal what is inside of it

does not appreciate or recognize what any woman does or has done for him

misogynist woman hater user abuser

THE WORLD IS FULL OF STUPID PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LISTEN

 like him and some others i met and know

talks over me, discounts and minimizes what I say

calls me stupid when he in fact, is the one who is stupid

they are fast talking never listening know it alls who get defensive immediately in any given situation

and have zero patience for social behaviors of people or animals

He said I have the important things

 back in June right after we had sex

Men who did not learn dating skills in their youth

 John Layson. The man I am married to. The previous man I was married to.

There was something about them that made them unattractive to the opposite sex.

They were not popular in school.

Homosexual friends and variety of kinds of friends and associates.

 I have been friends with men who are gay. I just realized my aunt Ruth and my mother in law Patty did the same thing. John Layson also accepted people the way they are.

This seems to be a rare phenomenon.

We have friends from a variety of backgrounds. Different jobs, locations, lifestyles.

We respect people for who they are in their ethical sense not based upon their sexual preference.

Common story theme: She lures him in with sex then takes his money and or his life.

 Just like some spiders and prayer mantis, bees

I assembled new twin xl bedframe 18" tall I just got from walmart delivery today. About half an hour to do

 he was sitting in the living room in his recliner when i brought in the box

then he went to the garage and has been there laying down or whatever for 2 hours

Drafting chair, white and new he assembled earlier today. took about half hour

Why is one corner of his sheets and blanket on the mattress covers pulled up?

Why is one corner of his sheets and blanket on the mattress covers pulled up? 

Dirty paper towel on top of mattress and a brown napkin next to the wall beside the bed. Light colored blue jeans like cargos I have never seen him wear folded up on his desk. Trash can cockeyed looking..it is usually straight. Blankets look like someone has been sitting on them and he has been sleeping on a bed in the garage for several weeks NOT his bed.

And I saw some white hairs that look like they came from an animal not a human. About 3 inch long hairs.

Neither of our hairs on our head are like these hairs.

What has been going on? 

Discovered a few minutes ago. July 9 2026

He wants to look good in public. Doesn't want anyone to know how rotten he is at home to me.

 He acts totally different to other people. 

He doesn't show them his Mr Hyde evil side: the strangers, the neighbors, his family members, my family, friends, associates, people he and I sell things to off the internet like craigslist, ebay, facebook marketplace or anywhere else.

He disrespects, disregards, slams all of me. Always has now that I think about all the memories for 35 years

The whole me he disrespects, disregards, minimizes, shits on, slams.

My

likes and loves, interests, activities, duties

work jobs

intelligence

education, ability to learn and go to school

health

personality

parks i like to go to

swimming, dancing

friendliness, talktativeness

appearance, face and body

attractiveness to other people men, women and children

ability to attract animals like dogs and cats, deer, any animal

talents, gifts, blessings

purpose

the things I buy

things I say, real stories and facts I relate to him

paying bills early

food I eat and how much

vitamins, minerals, herbs

He has never had confidence in me about anything I do or can do.

He appreciates very little about me.

He compares me to "everybody else"

He has always quickly thrown me away, acts like he doesn't need me for anything (except sex), pushed me away, threatened to find somebody else (a woman who WORKS), get a divorce

Why he does this? All of his sisters and brothers, neices, nephews, mother, cousins do/did this to their partners treating them like they were never good enough, like a piece of shit trash. I have been around his family members and listened to what they say and watched how they treated their mates, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends. 

What kind of creature are you dealing with? Most important thing to know first.

 Then you can anticipate their actions and lead, follow or avoid them accordingly

Birthday cake when I was a teenager. Dancing people decor on the cake. Grandma bought it

 I was either 14, 15 or 16

I don't have any pictures of it and I lost the little dancing figures years ago.

All of grandma's family pictures are gone.

Will deliberately do what I don't want

Mourning dove. First heard in May 1987. Love that bird's sound

Tshirt and underwear incident I was 14. Unintentional sexual turn on

 Grandma got upset with me. I didn't understand why.

I was sitting at the kitchen at the table wearing a big white t-shirt that belonged to grandpa. I had just got up that morning after sleeping in it. 

The garbage disposal repair man was in the kitchen working under the sink. I had let him in the house after he rang the doorbell.

 I sat in a kitchen chair and was talking to him. I had on panties but no shorts or pants so he must have been able to see my crotch area pretty good at that angle.

She came in the kitchen and said,  "Sarah what are you doing.! Go in your room. " 

She came in the bedroom and said "You don't do that. Put on some pants. You don't sit there talking to a man dressed like that!"

I had no idea what was going on. Now over 50 years later I still remember her anger.  It's something she was well aware of and I was not.  She was 45 years older than me. Had been married 5 times, bore 3 children and had 8 grandkids at the time. 

Its called the way it's so easy for a man to get sexually turned on by what he sees.

There was no provocation on my part. I wasn't even aware that he would look at me in that way.

And as I got older through the years I still have a hard time understanding that I need to fully covered up at all times even when I am home and my husband is the only person here.

And not only fully covered but be careful about wearing tight clothes especially jeans leggings tights paired with a top that shows my hourglass figure.

 

How did I go from "everyone likes me" to "everyone hates me"???

cooking and working and skills is not a prequisite for being attractive female woman or person

My picture on the fireplace mantel. I was age 6. Grandma said I had a beautiful smile.

 She kept that picture on top of the fireplace in the new house Grandpa and Grandma bought in April 1971.  It was in Belton, Missouri on Stacey Drive.

Grandma died December 2, 2008. The picture was still there after all those years.

2008-1971=37 years

Stupidity and stupid people can't be dealt with. They cannot learn. They cause major problems worldwide

 You never know what they might do.

They cannot have a logical argument or sensible conversation.

No one can reason with them.

They base their decsions on faulty emotional "reasoning" 

They have angry outbursts when they dont get what they want, cant do what they do and do not understand something...just like a very small child aged 1, 2 or 3 years old

They are unable to carry on an intelligent conversation.

They are miserable creatures, easily upset and angered by the slightest things

They lack self control over their impulses

prejudiced, prejudice, double standards,

what's in it for me attitude

cause of chaos and destruction anywhere they are

their reason for existence and putpose  is to cause problems, onfusion, misery, create conflict where none existed

peace is their enemy

dense, thick and dull minded/headed

obtuse, stubborn, unreasonable

Money. My income he always wants to know. Make sure that I spend most on utility bills, gas, car parts.

Ordered a cool box cutter I saw a Walmart employee using a few weeks ago. Will use for shipping items. Lots of things to sell/get rid of.

Billy Milligan book I am reading :The Minds of Billy Milligan by Daniel Keyes

 24 personalities

First person to get out of crimes committed due to diagnosed multiple personolity disorder.

Recent things he focuses on. Says forget the past

 He never wants to hear his words actions tone of voice reflected back to him

He will claim he is being nice and in the right regardless of what he actually says or does.

Won't admit his horrible behavior.

Thinks of himself as a great person who rarely makes a mistake.

I need more recording devices here.

 Continuous recording cameras strategically placed in various spots on this property.

he was nice to me last nite soon as i got home 1010 pm. evil right before i left as usual

 Asked him why? He said because you are not being a bitch .

I don't believe him. Something happened while I was gone to cause his sudden niceness 

He said those you look nice. All white looks cool. Those shorts look new. Then he came in my room later trying to get sex. 

I laid down on bed in center bedroom. Just showered so I was clean. Put his head in my crotch for a minute then abruptly left the room. Came back with a wet rag. Put it on my belly started scrubbing it. Said rag had soap in it claimed by belly button stunk and I wasn't cleaning myself good enough.

Lie. I cleaned myself well.

Then he said his own belly button stunk earlier when he smelled it.

Funny behavior.

Reminded me of time I was on top of him he had something under his ass. A piece of perfumed paper from a sample ad between his butt cheeks. Weird.

I said I never get behind you to smell your butt. Why would you do that?

I realize he will focus on something that recently happened most of the time.  He will continue thinking about sex act for a long time afterwards like a couple of hours. 

He will buy something he sees someone else buy when shopping like food drinks gadgets tools anything.

Behavior last night makes me think he was smelling someone else's body and possibly started to have sex or did it so he wanted to do it again this time with me because we have not done it in a week or so and he said he thinks it's time.

I feel like I deal with Billy Milligan type more I think about the way he acts 

Multiple personalities he is not aware of in himself. Amnesia of his words and actions and accusing me of thinking and acting like him

Misplacing things and blaming me 

Insisting he told me things he never did. Why. Because he told someone else and can't remember who he told it to.

Insisting I went places with him I never did. Same reason.

Cleaner the house/home to more I can tell is someone has been here.

 One excellent reason to keep a very clean home.

Someone is putting things in the wrong places.

 Last night the mustard container was in the refrigerator door. It NEVER goes there.

Steak knives put into the wrong container on the kitchen counter... AGAIN

Only 2 people live here. Him and me.

I was gone lastnight from about 454 pm til 10 10 pm.