Tuesday, May 12, 2026

Sore throat, coughing runny rose on May 9th, 2026 the day before Mother's Day sunday May 10

 why did it happen? where did it come from?

I am as careful as can be when I do anything so I won't contract illnesses.

when I go out to the gyms they are sanitized all over. people use the antifungal disinfectant at these places constantly

the only place I can think of is at HOME where I contracted this awful sore throat, slight fever, coughing up yellow and dark phlegm.

which came from HIM. he has been sick coughing sneezing hacking for many weeks and he spreads his germs all over everywhere he goes. sneezing blasting into the room air, does not wash his hands often, picks and digs at his nose, leaves dirty napkins tissues paper towels laying about on counters or anywhere and reuses these dirty items. he touches everything indiscrimiately.

it is not normal to get sick in MAY when weather is warming up

So HE contracted some crap from somebody somewhere probably more than a month ago. 

Last night I asked him who he has been around that was coughing sneezing and he did NOT respond to my question. All the people that have come over here are NOT sick so he must have acquired it from some STRANGER I have not seen. OR else it is from his sisters sherry and dorothy. 


Some people like to keep you at their level or down below them. Some like to see you rise above and be happy

 if they keep you at the same level or below they feel they have more control over you

if you escape the "system" of control you will leave like a hot air balloon floating all over and they might never see you again

fly away anywhere in a helicopter, balloon, airplane, jet, any airborne craft and when you leave you are free to wander about and probably will not return to the hellish situations


Are micro organisms, parasites responsible for our bad behavior, mental illness, insanity?

 as well as toxic substances like fumes, dust particles, any airborne things that we are allergic to

liquids, gases, solids

ointments, creams, oils

and the ether, sometimes called God

Are poisonous substances the cause of such imbalance ?



Humans can be the most stupid idiots regardless of

 age, gender education. financial status. location

and some humans can be exquisite geniuses

yet still have idiotic traits


I do not have to justify what I want or need

Monday, May 11, 2026

These guys want..

 20 something year old girls/women that never age

home cooked food, fast food from restaurants

instant immediate gratification in all areas, physical and mental

obedient slaves to all their desires and wishes

to be sexually desirable physically but as they get older they stop doing it.
to be desirable with their persona yet don't really know how to be

think working alot and money can get them anything they want

complete and total freedom to do and live as they want which is mostly like pigs and animals in disorganized dirty messes and clutter all over the house, yard, anywhere



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

stephen, my nephew

jimmy g, my son's best friend

both my sons

the man i am married to

john layson, chuck charles strand and his half brother stephen hosey

both my ex husbands

tony, william, darin, kirk





Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.

Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.

He hates my placidity and quietness.

No talking to me for 2 hours. I enjoy the peace, quiet and silence. Light bothers my eyes


Him: Noisy and wants to talk to me while I am still asleep in the brain. 

He likes activity and disruptions especially  early in the day and usually 

takes off before 10 am or starts in on physical activities like yard work.


He turns on the news cell phone tv first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

He likes stories esp news, fantasy sci fi strange fake stuff. He must have constant outside media noise.

He absorbs all the the garbage lies, trash and stupid short videos of dumb things. I do not find it

amusing to watch someone do stupid dangerous stunts and get hurt. He likes that kind of crap.


He can't differentiate between truth and fiction.

He believes his opinions are facts and everyone else should believe the 

same way otherwise they are stupid and all wrong

He cannot accept differences in anything including people animals objects material things

He thinks in black and white terms. 


He must have constant outside noises videos input from other things while driving, working

while eating and conversations. He can't focus on the conversation/talk at any time. 

He plays music, watches tv, internet short to long videos and will play this stuff around me and 

others not realizing some people do not like it and he does not care if anyone else likes it or not.


He is cult influenced. gullible. easily fooled persuaded.

He has no control over his food and drink. He can't stop himself from touching anything and everything.

Grabbing food, drinks anywhere as if it is his stuff. He has sticky fingers.

He lack of self control.


He buys bullshit sold by infomercials, scammers, cult leaders, political radicals

 who just run their mouth and sell things to viewers to make lots of profits/money. 

These people are out for the money and do not serve genuine causes.

He believes everyone is out to get your money, to get something.


He is a sucker.

He does not like window shopping because he can't stop looking and control himself and his urges

for immediate self gratification.

He  thinks you have to buy something whenever you are in a store or any sales place like outdoor flea markets

and if you don't buy something they think you are stealing, are a thief. 


He does not meditate or create writings from the self. He doesn't reflect accurately. 

He will writes notes on what others have written and said from a select few videos and books.


Peacemakers and Warmongers

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Network of Abusers

 all of the people we know, all neighbors and any family member of mine he knows all 
contribute to and allow his verbal and physical abuse to me

i have told most of these people about his words and actions.

no one will do anything or listen to me because he has them convinced he is such a nice guy...the one who is always there for them to help them and fix their stuff


Friday, May 8, 2026

Things people feel bad about show their focus in life

 he always feels bad for someone who lost every material thing they had like layson and any stories he hears on the news about devastaton and weather disasters. he feels sorry for homeless people and ricky in his poor devastated state of a huge mess filth and living with a bunch of animals. 

he will often say he feels so bad of these people usually total strangers in the world and never tells me he feels bad for the things he says and does to me

on the contrary, i feel bad when i see someone hurt or am aware a person is going thru abuse at home or anywhere. i cry for their pain. i wish i could stop it.


Dirty Mind they have

 this is why I should always be covered up in my body and use caution with any word coming out of my mouth

comments made by MIKE: "what are you wearing? see thru clothes.. what do you want to do have sex with that person? (said about my eldest son who was coming over that day it was boiling hot outside and the thought never crossed my mind about doing that with my own son. I was simply hot and wanted to wear cool loose clothing. ...
" your tits are showing through your shirt, i see the tops of your breasts, i see your ass when you bend over wearing those shorts, that skirt, dress, anything."    even when he sees my legs he cannot stop himself from reaching out and touching my skin to see if my legs feel soft and smoothe. 

when you are wearing that long shirt make sure you wear long shorts to cover your rear end because someone anyone neighbors could see your ass butt. oh he (the neighbors like chris and ken) would love to get his hands on that if he sees your body. 

accuses me of having affair/relationship with any male i have met then he meets them screens them out befriends them keeps good contact with them to make sure i have nothing to do with them. thinks if i talk to someone it means i want to have sex with them. includes all people we know and have known. 

"he is a sucker" comment made when damon was little and still using bottle and breastfeeding, comment from MIKE

"here, take him. he is hungry. what do you want me to give him to suck on, my dick?" made by ED

licked licks his lips when darin was talking about being in the phillipines with young girls all around him when he goes there to visit his very young wife in her 20s

the first words he says about everything are negative and assumes 80 percent of the people will do something bad like stealing when the opportunity arises. he sees dark side of life in all areas. 

focuses on war, money, destruction, crime, corruption, 

gets irritated aggravated over all things. 

if he hears the word sex when we are around anyone he gets very angry. once we were with the neighbor sharon she was driving i was in the front seat he was in back. she started talking about the sounds men make when they are having sex and imitating them and he got a mad mean twisted face then later accused me of bringing up the subject of sex. i said she was the one who started talking about it, not me. he insisted it was me when it was her.

yet they get off on porn at home in private and expect me to keep covered up .. what do they do when they are in public and see the other women wearing super tight, flimsy, see thru clothing. lots of females show off their boobs and butt and some wear lingerie...fishnet stockings with garter belt short tight skirt and crop top like the woman i saw at the zoo on april 30, 2026. i have seen women dressed like this in various places like gas stations and stores like walmart. what do these guys do when they see the girls dressed like this?





some men hate the mature wise woman because they cant control her

 they view her as a threat

they are immature and want a young naive immature girl to dog around . a puppet  doll android who does their bidding believes their lies and thinks that he is god

any woman who sees thru his shit, intuitively senses his evil is his enemy


he is sick mentally and physically

 i dont know how many personalities he has. i only see the ones he shows me when it is only us and how he acts around others in front of me

what he does when i am not around i dont know

i suspect charles manson type behavior. maybe even ted bundy 

experts could figure him out. shrinks, doctors. graphologists. detectives. 

he coughs hacks spit and phlegm sneezes a lot.

has high blood pressure. upper shoulder back pain. hearing loss. skin issues sores on mouth. white hard pimple things on penis scrotum area. gets hot easily. needs eye exam for glasses.

i told him he needs to go to doctors. told him to go to church somewhere.. 



He punched me on left jaw chin while he was driving may 7 2026

 will do no good to file police report so i didnt call 911 or say or do anything

all that would happen is him posting bond for himself if he sat in jail all he would do is get madder and madder plotting revenge to kill me

silence after we got home around 5 pm

i proceeded to wash dishes clean up kitchen mess got some trash together then left after 7 pm got back around 930 pm went to ward parkway

he had went to his bedroom right after we got home. may have been napping so i left

someone prayed for me. i said money wont help i need the power of god

the only way it will stop is if he dies and i cant kill him


 


Tuesday, May 5, 2026

Never be predictable traceable found easily

 i learned in my teens and twenties

keeping s regular schedule is death to creation and freedom

people watch what you do. predict.

interfere  block accomplishments when i have predictable known routines patterns places

run around to different places . talk to many and learn.

keep them all separate

 dress up differently

 

Slow riser. Takes me 2 or 3 hours to wake up

 always did


This place is a dirty mess

Back ups always needed

 batteries electricity shelter people backing each other up

transportation 

food and water storage


I am skinny

 he doesnt like it. lots of other people do 


I Am Starved Starving

 for understanding. attention. smart people

peace. solitude to focus 

ability to achieve goals.

order accomplishments. recognition. appreciation. love 

hugging. hugs. tenderness  closeness.

I am not getting enough regular good proper exercise

 stretching  moving freely pushing dancing splits 

leg pushes arm lifts raising myself up pull ups

hanging from hands legs twirls around bar

climbing poles ladders anything

back bends 

standing on head

rolls

swimming

handstands 

gymnastics

squats

sex


I See through the crap. Why I am most feared person in the room

 and most people run away from me

i scare people away with up front awareness 

i talk too much

it is a self defense mechanism


Sunday, May 3, 2026

He just lost everything he had

 all credibility. ME.

no trust. no love. no compassion.

all the money and material things are worthless


Saturday, May 2, 2026

All his hard work and money is worthless when he disrespects me

He treats me like a beat up whore

 my mistake for allowing it the second time and all times after that

my fault for forgiving over and over. my fault for being understanding making excuses for him 

my ignorance in not recognizing in the beginning and not knowing things in life i did wrong. number one never chase a man never fall in love and let him know it . he thinks you will do anything for him never leave and he can do beastly things to you for years and get by with it scot free

never think sex equals love. it is only raw animal like physical performance has nothing to do with love.

he can screw your brains out while he hates your guts disrespects you stomps you into the ground.

  he just wants to satisfy his penis somewhere anywhere anyone anything will do 

and he says it is good exercise never says i love you during or after


Eggs are precious and few. Guard them well...

I can wear most colors except my skin tone

 wardrobe mostly dark colors. black. red. forest green. navy. purple. 

nail polish dark red black dark brown

need to wear pastels beige pink light blue green lavender pale yellow orange 

white gray grey 

read that pastels are cute. dark is sexy.

no makeup or minimal is cute 

more makeup sexy

lucky me with little bitty titties like an adolescent girl. skinny waist little round butt nice looking legs with muscles and form

oval almost round face

guys hate it when i wear guy shoes . they like strappy sandals, boots. high heels. athletic shoes that look like booties, corset tops. ruffled blouses. lace. tight pants and they die when i wear dresses the typical a line or square neck or v neck styles. t shirt dresses above or below the knee. elbow length or wrist length shirt.

the men love to see my female waist. clothes that show it. belts .

tucked it blouses into skirts shorts jeans slacks

tailored jackets around waist. fitted dresses showing womanly figure.

the guys dont like wild print patterns baggy clothes lopped off very short hair like a boys crewcut

so i will add to my wardrobe missing colors of light pink and blue and purple including shoes in those colors. most of my shoes are black a few are white.

guys love delicate fragile minimal jewelry on a woman or girl. huge flashy gaudy is a no no out.

clothes and shies that fit properly and are right colors and for the occasion are mandatory.



 

Wednesday, April 29, 2026

9 years old began a diary. journal now called blog

 hate the word blog


i dont live in the tv

i want

 old fashioned stereo system speakers cds dvds

canopy bed mobile easy to move

stand up mobile desk

nice nightstands

these practical things make me happier

friendly companions associates


i dont think or care that everybody is watching me. he does

 am not that self conscious or paranoid negative skeptical

i am not anti social hateful prejudiced black and white thinker 

not negative not focused on dark side corrupt criminals

i am not scrooge stingy selfush mean miserly


i have faith hope ideas dreams joy

i see solutions actively pursue answers

i see possibilities good benefits rainbows sunshine



sticks in the mud are some

sales people sellers have great personalities are friendly

 like me. i like to meet people and introduce them

he does not


4-29-26 wed he took off again on wednesday 9:37 am

 this time at 9:37 am


said was going to bank somewhere else then

to independence mo to see if he can find roy simms at home because he did not call him back or text back



rk312x ZED BTCX be:82:7b:12:70:f6 4-29-26 on network again

rk312x ZED BTCX be:82:7b:12:70:f6  4-29-26  on network again


4-29-2026

on network again


Dotting I's and Crossing T's

Monday, April 27, 2026

All of his family members cuts down their partner spouse wife girlfriend husband mate

 Every one of his family members I met runs their partner into the ground with constant criticism and threats. So I cannot take it personally because it is a learned common family pattern of behavior they all do to the one they are closest to and live with. 

Nitpicking, intense criticism, threats, fighting

it is as if they think they are perfect all the time and they dump all of their rotten stuff onto their mate

mother, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins


Lori, Tammy, Debbie, karen, john, gerald/jerry, him, dorothy ann, sharon/sherry, the cousins in ottawa and other cities in kansas, david, 


Sunday, April 26, 2026

What is causing fatigue tiredness while i am at home esp after i eat?

 today up at 9 am tired at 4 pm

yesterday up at 730 am left house gone til 8 ? pm didnt get tired.

is it weather?

today rain after 3 pm

yesterday clear sunny

is it stress in home? is it toxins in house. not enough fresh air?

when i am away i rarely want to nap


sucker, control freak, immature, fantasy world of dictatorship

 he is a sucker for a pretty face and body and

he is a sucker for infomercials and scams

he sees something someone else has then buys it or gets it for free and  does it

he is a sucker for people who appear to be down and out and desperate


he is a control freak and has no control of himself

thinks he can control all people, animals and things with 

force physical push manipulation tactics threats punishment

insults criticism focuses on what he thinks my weaknesses,

my mistakes, flaws and faults are


he is stuck at the age 2 or 3 and

thinks he runs the world

in his fantasy world mind he screws any girl he wants, 

believes in aliens ufos extraterrestrials, loves politic,

republicans they represent money power and control and black and white thinking 


he is impulsive and unpredicatable 

he focuses on the weather constantly and will plan his activites 

according to the forecast and i will not know what he is going to do

until the last minute or after the fact


he lives in a fantasy world of reincarnation, psychics, mediums, edgar cayce

thinks he looks young and handsome and perfect in reality 

his diet loaded with sugar and salt and junk has aged him 

and he has a pot belly and sagging face and a mean looking 

scowl on his face most of the time


he does all he can to destroy my beauty because that is 

my biggest asset of attraction to all people and 

i am the hugest threat of all to him. 

i could ruin him for the rest of his life and 

take everything he has and have him locked up in the psyche ward for the rest of his life


he believes pretty girls get all the perks. any beautiful woman anywhere

the better she looks the more she gets

he resents that fact and does all he can to try to

destroy my beauty, naturalness and happiness

his sister karen was beautiful before she went on meds for

her same paranoid schizo disorder then she gained about 100 pounds or so got fat and ugly and died 

in hospital hooked up to all kinds of equipment to keep her alive

he has a penchant and obsession with staring at pretty girls anywhere in person or in

magazines books videos and hides this action from the public


my beauty, love of peace, harmony, order, cleanliness,

calmness, easy going personality..i want to introduce people and

love to see them get along

are reasons he hates my guts views me as a threat to his test of 

masculinity and maturity

since he is immature little boy he is not and has not ever been

protective of me and does not want me to dress to look good and 

show off my body because then he might have to defend and protect me

from other wolf men which he has never done and will not do

any bad thing that has happened to me he blames me for

incuding me being sexually harassed over the years and any rapes I have endured. 

he even said to me "i thought you liked to be raped"



 








Wednesday, April 22, 2026

I have attracted all kinds of men the majority i dont want

Key is feign innocent innocence and be evil

The Big Cover up

 That is what we are all about 

Concealing our nasty natural nature to the public.

Status. Wanting to look good.

Displaying our most evil parts at home.


Guilt and shame, feeling bad are things taught to us

 I think we are born without a conscience. Without remorse.

 I was programmed like many to feel wrong for lots of things . I was taught to feel guilty bad responsible. Like "don't lie cheat, steal, destroy, covet, lust , be proud, get angry, break things, take more than what I need, hoard, leave a mess, be tired and lazy slothful, arrogant, cocky, bully and tease and mock others" yet I have done all those things and so has everyone else 

The natural animal state is to be all these "bad" things. Corruption is in all and everywhere. 

Committing murder is the only thing I haven't done yet I wanted to. The idea of jail and incarceration stopped me.

 

Shame blame feeling responsible for things I am not the cause of is stupid.


What good is it to feel bad ? What good is empathy or sympathy? Why should I feel bad for someone who did not stand up for themselves? 

I should never feel bad or apologize for anything i thought said or did.

If i recognize I made a mistake, an error just correct myself don't do it again and go on about my life.

People dont forget anything I or you did wrong. They do not forgive.

 They hold it against me all my life. 

Forgiving someone once is ok and fine but when they deliberately keep hurting me or anyone else that is when forgiveness ends.

Fool me once shame on you.

Fool me twice shame on me.

That is the message from him. Whatever bad happened to me was my own fault. He takes no responsibility and never protects me in any situation. If I were ever attacked. ever raped and killed he would blame me 

 


   

Mother: I am like his mother which he hates/hated/rebelled against

 He treats me like his mother. Like I am to prepare his food, clean up his messes, wash his clothes, clean house, run errands, pay bills, due all things as if they are a duty to him and do all of his bidding and put up with all of his random messes all over the house and the yard AND endure his temper tantrums fits when he does not get his way.

He called her stupid and calls me stupid bitch  Always assumes I do not know what I am doing. Has no faith no confidence in almost anything I do 


In his eyes am NOT the lovely girl woman that I am to others. OTHER people quickly see my beauty and that I am fit in my body even though I have a severe curve in my back. They do not notice until I point it out and show it to them. He concentrates on how bad my back looks and constantly tells me that I am a nasty and mean person when in fact he is the big bastard to me daily.

He hates my guts. Despises me.

He has threatened to get rid of me and find another woman for many years.

He criticizes me to death. 

However these days he is saying no woman wants an old man his age 65. He pretends like he has given up searching for another but i do not believe him. I dont trust him as far as king kong could throw him.


I am like a hideous beast he has to fight with every single day the way he fought his mom and his sister karen while growing up. The entire family fought with and controlled/controls each other.

There is no joy, no fun, no laughter in our marriage relationship

It is all about business, sternness, discipline, control battles where he thinks he is always right and I am wrong 

He lusts after lots of pretty girls and beautiful women all over the world but he does not lust after me until the last second after he gets sick of jacking off to pictures and videos and will say "it's not the same" 

He points out flaws and mistakes with each and every thing I say and do and the way I look, the way I dress, act and talk and what I like and talk about. He has zero respect for me in any area.

He thinks he has to make all of the decisions in each area of his life and mine without my input EVER.

Tells me to shut the fuck up and fuck off like he did again last night after I offered to talk to his sister about the old washing machine he wants to give her so she doesnt have to buy a new one. He does not want me to talk to her. Says I will fuck it up like I do everything else.

He says I dont care what you want frequently. When I say the same things to him he says to me he gets pissed.

I am still the biggest piece of shit in his life. Doormat Daisy Duke Dummy.

Dumping ground for all his hatred and hostility. 

He talks normally and sweet to everyone but me. Yells raises his voice constantly and i ask him to lower his voice. He wont do it.

He listens to political garbage people fighting and acts like they do to me.

I want no part of that trash.

Solution: feed him sugar syrup fast food donuts cookies alcohol cake pie candy soda fast food. That is what he wants just like so many others I have known. ...Layson, harlow jundy. chris rixner, ... mike wall, tom wright, larry wilson. ed m. 

These guys were are news focused. political. music movie obsessed. Cars trucks sports guns stupid videos  any kind of obsession. 

Their brains are everywhere but on their own wife and life.

They end up staying home making messes out of all things blasting loud shit thtu huge speakers faces in the tv headphones on blocking out reality of daily life. No fun. No play. 


 dirty housekeepers.

. fat bellied old men who likely couldnt get it up in the end of their lives. Several of them i know couldnt due to them or their wife telling me or medical records.


What is the connection of old men eating and drinking trash getting fat guts using porn running after teens and little girls treating their wives like dirt???

Fat gut is the sign their mind is gone to the birds trash bin

Many years ago like in 1988 89 Pete Svejda came in the gas station I was working at. Bea his accountant bookkeeper was with him. He talked to her like trash then turned to me in  dr jekyll voice saying sweetie . She was thr one doing all the work holding his heating and air conditioning business together while he screwed teenage girls in the back room of his business. My father told me what Pete and his comrades did. Pete another old fat gut disgusting male . So was another of my dads associates Joe Sprofera. Fat gut bald ugly married nasty he tried to get me to go to a motel with him. I was 16.









I Need Professional Help from a psychiatrist for him asap

 and a nutritionist, a medical doctor, government employees like fire fighters, policemen

basically, any help from professionals that I can get

He has so many disorders and anger and personalities I cannot help him

namely

schizophrenia, paranoia, npd narcisstic personality disorder, explosive anger tantrums fits, hoarding disorder, fear of missing out, control issues over all things, micromanaging

possible causes besides upbringing: chemical imbalances, exposure to toxic substances inhaled, eaten, ingested, drank, fixed behavior learned since infancy


On April 21, 2026 it started in the morning at home. It is usually at home when we are alone and also happens when we are out somewhere alone together.

thanks to an old cell phone I use as a camera most of the audio is recorded. 

It lasted about 4 long hours earlier in the day then continued on after I got back home around 8:30 ish so most of it is voice recordings


Monday, April 20, 2026

A person cant have anything someone else wants to steal

 like the homeless woman i met at QuikTrip

all she had was clothes on her back a pair of shoes a small backpack and a cell phone. 

she said she fell asleep on one of the many buses she rides daily and when she woke up someone stole her phone. the only form of communication she had

how terrible 


Sunday, April 19, 2026

Self serving and self sacrificing

 a balance must be made so i am not selfish or self sacrificing

if i sacrifice all if myself to self serving people i am no longer myself and a happy sane balanced person

i used to give all to make someone else happy only to discover i cannot make them happy. they suck all my energy, drain me, want more and demand more. never happy. the more i give the more they expect 

and when i give too much i am not respected, not appreciated.

when i give in to something i do not want i am considered a weak stupid fool.. a naive idiot

so i have learned to set boundaries and some selfish people dont like it

too bad. wish i would have known a long time ago i am not a doormat

it is up to me to take care of myself first. clean up my messes and others should do the same.

masters and slaves are out of the question. both are miserable creatures





B words. Bitch Bastard are created

 females become bitches because of bastards and other bitches

bastards become that way due to dealing with other bastards and bitches


a child is not born a bastard or a bitch

they are created by their experiences

pavlov training 

nice little girls turn mean due to treatment

boys become bad for the same reason

Thursday, April 16, 2026

I love clean places and activities.

 hospitals, schools, gyms, businesses like walmart and professional grocery stores

offices and intelligent people.


MY ocd about cleanliness makes it so hard to not clean up other people's messes anywhere. HUGE challenge to walk away and let it pile up.

Never trust a filthy, messy, hoarder person. They are a disaster. Immature.

 They accumulate any and everything packing things away hiding them.

It gets to the point they cannot clean up after themselves.

They do not acknowledge that they are the problem, the one touching everything with their dirty hands spreading germs and diseases. Licking their fingers and touching things. Not paying attention to their hands or things they move around.

They eat while doing anything such as while walking moving around and even while working.

They do not admit they are the one leaving dirty messes behind for other people like me to clean up.

They expect me to do their laundry, dishes, clean up the floor after they track shit all over the place and leave crap and things all over the patio, the yard and any area they have been to.

As they get older they can't concentrate much on one thing at a time and try to multitask 

they do not pay attention to me or any one person, the conversation at hand.

Their mind wanders constantly. Distracted easily. They pile up things and make a disaster out of any area they work in or do anything in.

Their beds are dirty nasty full of bugs and they do not see the point in changing their sheets linens washing their clothes and bedding or any thing they have. 

The dust and dirt piles up in all places of the house and any place they work at.

Countertops are rarely wiped off anywhere including bathrooms and kitchens. They freak out when the floor is cleaned properly by thorough sweeping vacumming and mopping and polishing.

They do not mind filth dirt mud rocks or any item laying around on the floor. They wear shoes almost all the time and have stinking feet and socks and shoes and boots. They wear shoes because they don't want to hurt their tender feet. If they would walk barefoot as soon as they enter the house they could feel the filth and dirt and sticky junk all over the floor.

If they would focus on their immediate environment instead of on the tv, the internet, the cell phone, the videos, the news, the radio, some crap playing thru their earphones, ear buds, headphones they would see and realize the true nasty mess of a bug and animal haven they live in.

They love to have huge pieces of electronic equipment like stereos, televisions, speakers, radios, amplifiers, reel to reel players and are easily mesmerized by the audio and videos pictures of things that are somewhere else. They ignore the person they live with and shut them out by blasting junk thru these devices.

They do not like to clean. They do not know how to do deep cleaning. Don't care about bugs, spiders, cobwebs, mice, rats, snakes coming into the house. They say it is no big deal, it is part of life living with creatures crawling all over the house and in the walls.

They are afraid of seeing a drop of water anywhere and scream and yell if they see it.

The place starts stinking and they can't figure out where the smell is coming from. The person I live with did this many times and once he took furniture polish that smells like lemon and sprayed it on my kitchen counter where I do food prep.

they put wrong liquids into inappropriate wrong containers and usually do not label the can or bottle with what is inside of it. This is a dangerous and stupid thing to do.

Instead of getting to the core, the root cause of the mold, mildew, stink they do temporary patches and buy products like "toilet bowl cleaner" or any chemical that makes it sound easy to quickly cover up the issue.

They blame other people for their problems like losing things and their impulsive and angry temper tantrums they throw every single day. They refuse to take responsibility for their own creation of disastrous messes they make.

They like to keep old boxes and containers items came in instead of tossing them immediately.

One i know even keeps a used condom of all things as if he will use it again. He also finds outdated condoms at the park and brings them home. Why? It is no good.

they love to keep expired items in the refrigerator the bathroom medicine cabinet, the food pantry basically any place. expired paint, auto chemicals, pharmaceutical drugs, ointments, creams, lotions, shampoo. toothpaste mouthwash. cleaning products. 

the one i live with puts old silicone ointment cream on his legs this ointment was acquired over 20 years ago from super flea and it was expired at the time he got it.

they are scared to death to throw away anything thinking they will need to use it someday.

they treat me and people like trash and treat all the material things and money like the most precious things of all.

they do not listen to me or anyone or any business, government professionals about tossing old expired things, being sanitary, sneezing into the elbow instead of spraying into the room or any other technique to stay clean and healthy.

they are not health conscious. 

they love to eat fast food anything that requires no prep.

they do not wash off fruits and vegetables before eating them.

they grab any piece of food laying anywhere and will eat it if they think it is edible

they do not believe in washing  old clothes bought at the thrift store, garage sale or anywhere. they think if the item smells good it does not need to be washed. they have no idea where it came from and do not care. i have warned them it could have bug eggs in it like lice, fleas or any disease bacteria you cannot see or smell.

they pick their nose when they think no one is looking. they stick their hands down their pants and play with themselves also. they do not wash their hands after using the bathroom restroom and picking their nose and playing with their private parts.

since they eat lots of sweets and garbage and drink sugary things they have a lot of stinking body odor which they cannot get rid of even after taking a shower. no deodorant can get rid of the pit odor.

they pet animals and feed them with their fingers letting the animals touch their hands and do not wash their hands. this transfers germs and bugs and worms into the person even though you can't see the worm eggs and parasites.

they are full of parasites in their bodies and will not do anything to clean their insides out.

they have digestive issues like heartburn etcetera and do not know why and do not care to know so they will use a quick fix like tums or rolaids pepto bismol or any type of antacid or soda pop mixture to quickly alleviate the issue

their guts are a total mess

they eat junk food and suck down sweet drinks throughout the day and do not sit down and patiently eat a real meal and concentrate on the food and conversation. they get up often running thru the house or area outside or anywhere.

they love to eat lots of cookies, pies, pastries, doughnuts, candy

they will pass out old expired candy to children kids on halloween saying the food is still good

they hate to use very much soap claiming it is bad

they do not believe in using real hot water to wash the dishes and hate to use the dishwasher falsely believing it uses too much electricity and water

they will scrimp on water and electricity usage and spend tremendous amounts of money on things like home yard products, tools, automobile anything, unnecessary expensive food and drink items and will even drive long distances to get some weird fast food they are craving like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, taco bell, mexican, churchs or kfc chicken, 

they hate accounting and keeping proper accurate records of their spending. they prefer to use cash as much as possible because it is fast and easy and not trackable. they buy things in secret when they are alone and hide their activities from they spouse, partner, wife or husband then they scream and yell at their wife for buying a thing she needs and wants that is good and practical

they spend lots of money on themselves and rarely buy expensive items for their wife or girlfriend. they tell her she does not need it whenever she expresses needing something like new clothes or a decent appliance that is new and more energy efficient.

they would rather keep old inefficient junk using it until it works no more instead of investing in a newer and better model of anything




Clean up after myself/yourself. Number one thing.

 It is my responsibility to clean up after myself and not after anyone over the age of 7.

I am responsible for my own area only.

I refuse to clean up messes of any kind made by any person who is supposed to be a mature adult.


Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Simple men/people/women

 Simple men 


dont like govt and technology computers accounting planning ahead.. like animals. 

don't like lengthy in depth discussions about anything

short sweet to the point


wait til last minute to empty the trash

hate daily cleaning maintenance

wait until something gets bad, a huge problem before they do anything about it

do not know how to nip things in the bud


gravitate are drawn to filthy nasty disgusting things like news, media trash, 

food, clothes, work projects that get you dirty, 

porn or searching for women anywhere and everywhere

 just to look at lust after in mags videos and/or pick them up use them for sex and discard them once they get off


pile things up in wrong places and various areas 

lack organizational skills 

lack ergonomics. setting things up for ease of use


hate making lists or listening to them

can't see connections between everything

think things are only for the moment and can't see

consequences or their words and actions


hard time making things simple so things end up complicated

do things for the moment right when they think of it

wait til problem is huge before taking action


cant see patterns

hard time predicting things in advance

lack preparation in some areas


seek variety in sexual conquests

get bored easily with the woman they have

will talk on phone to the one woman wife or girlfriend  saying i love you while at 

the same time trying to get the woman present in the room


lie consistently

hide money, things, any item they are afraid someone might see that

could embarass them


cannot be trusted when alone or not around their wife or girlfriend

scope out areas anywhere for conquests











Monday, April 13, 2026

My natural self

My natural self


beautiful pretty cute playful easygoing accepting balanced 

see all sides colors vibrations flexible

organized fun loving

practical island open friendly

beach lover party parties get togethers

socializing loving kind helpful

empathic understanding free freedom loving unique


all of my qualities he hates and steals from me by deliberately saying and doing things to hurt me with no regard to my feelings yet expects me to be sensitive to all of his feelings and needs




Solution. Have life of my own with people he has never met thus does not know.

He has time for everyone but me

Neighbors friends relatives lesson. I need to keep at arms and legs length. Includes anyone I know that he knows.

 he is at neighbors houses frequently and especially without telling me all his contacts with them

he does not want me at any of the neighbors houses becomes angry pissed and inquisitive if i ever visit any neighbor 

yet he goes over to any of their houses constantly anytime he wants to go and expects me to stay out of it

he used to get jealous pissed when i was visiting debra phillips later debbie wall back in the late 90s. her and i would just visit sit and talk. 

best for me to keep neighbors at arms length because he is tight with all of them and any of these people would tell him anything i say or do as he has them convinced he is such a useful and nice guy

this goes back over 34 years of his bonding with people in the neighborhood

tim lois nolan, irene and don rogers and family, mike michael wall and debra phillips wall, steve sharon duggan, chris rixner and wendy and anyone else he had over there, mark pollock down the street, ellen next door who stays in chris house he died 3 years ago, traci corsaut, barbara and darrell chism, ken and nancy matteson, peter webber on meadow lane, alex and mary lovely across street on kings hwy used to be rogers house

he sneaks around and texts chats talks to them in person sometimes telling me later he conversed with them

i should not say much more than hello to any of them due to him controlling the entire neighborhood

none of these people are beneficial to me anyway. they do not need to know any of my business or anything about me

he takes over every relationship i have with anyone he meets including my own family sons and seems to convince them he is such the intelligent smart capable nice guy and that i am the bitch the one causing problems all the time

every single friend and relative that he met... chuck strand, john layson, tony gomez, darin wise, jr huell bracher, kirk hupp, 

he wants to know any person i know and get to know them to pry information out of them




Snowball iceberg of stupidity he is

 stupid ball of stupidity. snowball effect. tip of iceberg reveals it all

warped thinking

have idea then look for proof

lacks scientific method

comes to conclusions based upon feelings with lack of evidence

is the problem and blames me for all of his problems

He acts like he lives alone

Editorials. Opinion. Secret shopper and rater leaving reviews.

Writer author is alone. works in solitude. best to live by myself.

 then I can concentrate freely. think. invent. write. be joyful happy flexible appreciated admired enjoy life more often

New era in my life

Where is my family?

Scattered brain. all over the place he is. disrupts me often. asks me why about most things

 why? tired? sugar salt junk food age aging body and brain? 

hands shake. c r s cant remember things sometimes

runs from one room to the other with no notice as if he has to do something as soon as he thinks of it

is it from dirt chemicals cell damage dehydration 

too much going on ?

a disease? or more than one disease or affliction 

is it psychology of childhood trauma starvation guilty conscience 

is it fear of missing out, of being found out?

is it desire for perfection?

is it a combination of many things?

he has short sleep cycles. snores terribly doesn't know it

says stuff he does not remember and does not want to have repeated back what he says or does

is it lack of plasticity of brain hardening of cells blockage causing constant confusion of his senses?

multiple times daily he says i said or did things i did not do and thinks other people think say and do things they probably do not do

he talks to himself when he thinks i cant hear him

he says thing to himself opposite of what he says to me sometimes

he calls other people bad names but not to their face because he does not want them to think bad of him










Friday, April 10, 2026

Male men conversations

 jumpy, not in depth, short sentences about work, money, material things, activities, events, cars, trucks, automobile 

go from one subject to the other quickly 


His associates are a mess and single without a woman

Strangers and associates frequently compliment me. NOT him

 on my good looks, brains, intelligence, ability, my face, hair, fit body, nice personality, talent, organizational skills, computer and cell phone savvy


Thursday, April 2, 2026

Things not normal about humans

 wearing clothes. cooking food. 

forcing themselves. going against nature 

eating wrong , when not hungry. substituting food for another desire.

forcing sex 

languages. words.

reading writing studying thinking building 


erratic food erratic irregular mood and body functions

5am up 2pm down . nine hours later tired

 the way it was when i had the job had to be there at 530 am

job began at 9 am i was tired 6 to 7 pm had gotten up at 730 am or so

today up at 1030 am tired 530 pm due to being awake until 430 am


Does things without telling me in advance most of the time

AND expects me to tell him what i am going to do all the time 


buying things all over the place

going places i do not know where he goes

sneaking around

hiding things in his file cabinet and cardboard boxes all over in the house and in sheds


a man i knew many years ago cant say the name

 strikingly similar to him in his looks, actions, attitude, habits, hobbies

he is a political and religious zealot

a hoarder, dirty about his environment, eats trashy junk food, has a bad temper, 

cusses out people that buy and sell on the internet like ebay or any other

calls people stupid idiiots

uncontrollably attracted to my beauty

this guy was notorious for having affairs with women some married then moving and leaving town and saying it was a new fresh start but in reality everywhere he goes it is the same thing because of the way he is

the guy is crazy nuts schizo paranoid, a taker, a user, takes advantage of people anywhere he goes

poor at keeping records, hates accounting. points of flaws of others, highly critical

obsessed with one type of politics used to be republican switched to democrat democracy

actually is completely confused about which way to go. thinks he has to stay in one sector of a group and wont listen to and understand the various sides of things

cannot have an effective argument. one sided. black and white thinker

cant by joyful have fun everything is a battle

if no war exists he creates one 


thinks his way. of thinking is the only way and hates anyone who disagrees with him having opposing beliefs

news is all day long first thing in morning last thing at night

thinks has to keep up with what is going on in outside world constantly 

not meditative self reflective



The way I dress in certain clothes drives him crazy

 shorts, lingerie, short dresses, anything showing rear or top of breasts, swimsuits, 

a belt around my waist any item around the waist showing my shape

maid outfits, sexy hose with holes, corsets,  shiny looking clothes like jackets, sequins

anything showing off my hourglass figure


so i need to be careful about what i wear, the way i dress around him

this tells me that the way any woman dresses affects him immediately 

he made comments like this " what are you trying to do, attract him by wearing that see thru dress?" one day in the hot summer when my eldest son was coming over. i said no way you are being ridiculous i wouldnt do that. i am just hot and not trying to look sexy at all for anyone


Observing one alone reveals their true nature character

 or one on one not in a group

Cant trust

 ones who cant control temper emotions voice themselves

who dont trust other people


Sunday, March 29, 2026

he finds something wrong and focuses on it relentlessly

 instead of accepting it and being patient until it is resolved

finds something wrong with most things



Reliving childhood teen young adult years forever

 learned experienced are permanent unless cells damaged or killed dead

i write as i did as a child

about life people in my life 

observing behavior trying to understand it

seeing patterns in individuals and groups


people i know like and do things they learned in childhood


Friday, March 27, 2026

The look for me. Female woman girl

 long lovely shiny straight hair

satin smooth skin

slim trim tight muscles


firm ass butt breasts

clean shiny natural fingernails

long elegant fingers


manicured toenails and fingernails

wide open clear eyes

dark brown iris and white whites of eyes


small smile at all times turning to big smile sometimes

head uplifted , straight. tilted to side, 

mouth in o shape at right time


zero frown worry lines between eyebrows

thick black brows

reddish purple lips 


plain lipgloss

smooth hair free face

legs great asset


butt great asset

small firm boobs lightly seen

pokies covered in lightly padded push up bra


best colors

black dark red burgundy dark green. blue. purple

white





Impulsive he is. As soon as he thinks of something he says or does it

 he runs off in the middle of a conversation constantly

cant focus on food he is eating. answers phone immediately regardless of what he is doing

jumps up feeds cats outside or runs to the garage or outside ..whatever thought comes to mind he does it as fast as possible

has no regard for what he says to me. no filter most of the time.

gets up in morning. sometimes has plans to do things i do not know about until the last second

eats while working 

eats while using the computer

usually eats cereal or some carb item around 9 to 10 am 1030 am 

chews fast. eats way too fast

sees a snack anywhere and eats some of it

eats food while preparing it or if giving some chicken to the cats has to have a bite of it even tho not hungry

has very little self control

hard to think 30 seconds ahead







Thursday, March 26, 2026

He spends money and time on

 fast food. will drive long distances for it if necessary

cars, car and truck parts. will drive a long way to get this stuff

house improvements. yard work. yard improvements.

listening to news especially non mainstream garbage

watching neighbors and other people everywhere

satisfying immediate desires

feeling like he is missing out

concerns about death and after life instead of enjoying the moment




People who are fit that eat right and exercise are beautiful

Wednesday, March 25, 2026

Exercise using equipment for a few weeks. Helping

 and I might be gaining muscle

arms, back, legs, whole body


Turning point soon at 65 in July 2026

I cant trust him. How many personalities does he have?

 i have yet to find out

i may never find out all of them

it gets deeper and harder to deal with everyday


Starved for love. I have plenty of food and things and some money but NO love or companionship

He watches me and all people animals constantly

 just to know where I am it. 

other than that he ignores me or yells 

he talks to someone late at night in his bedroom in that soft sexy voice...i do not know what app or site he uses or if he is using the phone while texting and talking.

i will find out one way or another

he keeps a close eye on where i am so he can sneak off and do his business in other places 


Sunday, March 22, 2026

Simple. Childish

 tantrums ,  fits. fast food. immediate satisfaction

media addiction, porn videos

stereo equipment, hoarding junk

hates cleaning anything

bad temper

uses fast fixes muscle rubs pills alcohol


thinks my name is beck and call

egotistical

driven my money material things sex appearances

rude 

not careful conscientious about hands fingers touching things

does not wash hands often enough

spreads  germs

wears used clothes unwashed from thrift store

bad armpit body odor

thinks i am a slave

calls me stupid

yells cusses often

puts on fake nice sweet voice when manipulating wants something

gets things they want often expensive items thinks i dont need luxury things or much of anything

socially inept

unattractive to most women even repulsive

eyeballs girls and women as sex objects

thinks everybody owes them

addicted to sweets junk food

has to have sweet drink all day and with meals

encyclopedic mind of work hobbies like music parts cars guns

believes they are good with finances but hates accounting.

disorganized receipts

addicted to news politics sports competition

shits on what i say

unable to care for babies

not very good with children

animals around cats dogs guinea pigs ferrets etc

spends lots of money on what they want

blasts their music and videos doesn't care how it affects others

expects people to like what they like









Eats dessert immediately after a meal. snacks all day

 begins first thing in morning 

sees food grabs eats it

 

Saturday, March 21, 2026

Journey . his

 seeking truth. reading books a little. wanting to understand. having difficulty

mostly watching videos. he hears them but doesnt listen comprehend understand meanings.  i know because he hasnt changed his thiughts words beliefs and actions much at all

he said he read you are supposed to say god is love repeatedly

it can be said but means nothing if you dont know what love is

love is understanding lack of opposite of fear

is peace compassion. i am full of these things. born that way



Guy guessed my weight 105 pounds tonight. scale shows 125

 the other day a guy guessed me at 100 lbs

i laughed


Am I Angel of Death?

Dementia is possibly setting in in him. not sure yet

Friday, March 20, 2026

Who you or I live with will make or break your life

He thinks he controls his thoughts. Reality is the media and other people controls most of his thoughts thus actions.

 radio tv internet magazines

family, neighbors, strangers at stores like people giving samples at sams club

he is a sucker for a thing he sees and denies he does this

tone of voice, words are powerful as hell

 subject matter discussed, said route the thoughts of others

silent words said in the mind and things in the imagination rule my actions . same applies to anyone

what dominates your thoughts controls your life


Animals have no shame. Humans are taught it and guilt, embarassment over their natural self, body, expressions, words...

I don't care if I am with a man again. I can take care of myself.

He runs with dirty single men

I am gaining my beauty back.... It feels great.

 thin. exercising more. learning arm, leg, back exercises.  eating really good food. drinking lots of water. taking vitamin d3 daily. calcium magnesium, glutamine, vit c, zinc. 

got a small corset that fits great from walmart yesterday.

getting new clothes soon. dressing feminine. 

clean, neat, looking good. 

just a little bit of mascara on the eyelashes, a tint of red on my lips once in awhile. usually plain lip gloss.


He closes up the house so no one can see what he does inside.

 scared of being watched. he is careful what he does outside. thinks everyone is watching him because he watches everybody else.


He lives in his own world of the media, radio, tv, strangers

Dress baggy when I leave. Wear fitted clothes when I am out

Change myself. Do not try to change anyone else. It nevers works. Leave them be on their own path

Thursday, March 19, 2026

Never trust a man

 he is a wolf

a sneaky one looking at saying and doing things whenever he thinks you are not around


Country living is what i want

Country living is what i want

Lots of space

land 5 to 10 acres

no neighbors close

can have peace and quiet

blast music when i want to

layout nude

do whatever I want outside or inside the house home barn shed or anything on the property

burn trash

campfires bonfires parties visits socialize with friends family people whenever I want

dig in the dirt 


Tuesday, March 17, 2026

Grandpa leroy

 teeth brushing mouthwash gargling. up early. hard worker. 

exercise. oak trees.  tomatoes. green peppers 

eating out alot couldnt cook clean house do mechanical work.

loves chess. 

competitive.

picks and digs into his nose alot when sitting at home

picked fight with grandma during dinner

tailored shirts. dressed professionally at work as school teacher

umpire baseball basketball coach football

collected coins bought jewelry him and grma

his dad roy mitchell was a jeweler in california

loved science and math

taught pe physical education , math and science. also taught english before.

tight watchful with money . didnt want night lights on or windows open when cold outside.

asked me if i still had sex with my husband in 2010 or so . i said at least 2 times a week. i was 49. born 1961. gpa is 25 years older than me born 1926. 

gma died 2008. born 1916

told me little girls around the age of 5 learn how powerful they are in controlling men

smoked a cigar once in awhile

looked at playboy magazines





Addictions he has

 He is addicted to 
News, media, politics, sugar, sweets, snacks, junk food, cookies, cakes, pies, donuts, sugary high fructose corn syrup drinks and food, spicy things like hot sauces, barbecue sauces, anything that says jalapeno hot spicy flavored 
sweet drinks tea soda juices esp cranberry and canned whole cranberry sauce
analyzing things trying and thinking he can fix almost anything
thinking he knows answers to stuff before researching then often finding out later he doesn't and did not know

cars trucks esp the ones he owns

tools

buying premade things regarding food, drinks, chemicals, cleaners, soaps, 

store bought things instead of homemade food and drink

fast food restaurants: wendys, hardees, arbys, taco bell, dominos pizza, subway, burger king

price of gold and silver watching

playing chess on computer

watching everybody me neighbors store employees drivers

weather

gas prices

wars

cussing goddammit fuck 

micromanaging





Sunday, March 15, 2026

I survived. Untouched and alive

 the daily rollercoaster terror. his unpredictability spontaneity impulsiveness . impatience. anger.

going from loving one minute to intense hatred the next.

denies his behavior is wrong. never wants me to repeat what he said or did unless it was good behavior.

i still think that his drinks diet food are major influence cause of this atrocious behavior.

i have seen and experienced it in others and myself. males females babies children teens adults of all ages.

i have dealt with thousands of people.





Saturday, March 14, 2026

Woman women girls do not have to work like a man. LOOKS are everything. Does not matter what she does or what she has

 her appearance is everything



Dancing in the Rain

 my grandson said in 2018 when we went outside in driveway. it was raining


my son took me to a club for my birthday back in and it rained outside and i danced

i went outside on one hot july morning nude and danced in the backyard loving the nudeness and heat


Black Cat

Bold Explicit Erotic

 words on cover of cd my son made

and that is me

bold . open. direct. honest, to the point. cut to the chase

explicit: revealing

erotic: highly sexual and sensual


Friday, March 13, 2026

Frown lines... caused by crying, stress, sadness, anger from him and them in my life

 so i made a resolution. smile more than frown and don't get stressed out and worry about anything. it shows on my face or your face what you do most of the time. 

lady i saw the other day at the drs office uses botox and no makeup. she has wide open big beautiful eyes and lashes and zero frown lines. i will try to get rid of frown lines between the eyes naturally. wish me luck


Ordered 2 corsets 2 days ago from walmart. Hope they fit so I ordered 2 different sizes. My back needs serious help.

Got new rolling bed and rolling wardrobe yesterday. I put them together after 3pm today when he left. Done in less than 2 hours

 it is absolutely fantastic and great! now there will be more room in my master bedroom. 

maybe i can actually get some sleep and perhaps go to bed earlier without light and the cat bugging me . she starts in around 11 pm and goes on until 3 am running in and out the bedroom door and the hole in the wall behind the fireplace.

let's see how i feel in a week after i can sleep better and get some good exercise at home for a change

stretching, yoga, dancing, rolling on the floor. something besides running up and down the stairs and being stopped whenever i am doing something by him


3 pm he takes off. it is almost 7 pm he is still gone. friday march 13, 2026 704pm he is back

 says going to walk at park in the mud then to walmart looking for mailbox. ours got hit a couple of days ago.

i do not believe everything he says.

yesterday he took off at 10 am gone till about 515 pm supposedly to his sisters in raymore and to sams club in raymore mo

he was driving the 2015 toyota camry he just bought in january and said he wanted to show his sisters the new car

i know him. he doesnt like to visit people for very long and he shops fast running into stores buying the same categories of stuff things food clothes etcetera


right before sleep...

 typical men in my life

love to do it right before going to bed

or first thing in morning if they have the time


Wednesday, March 11, 2026

little girl high pitched voice of mine he likes

great at the gym tuesday march 10 2026

 met luca 18 yr old empath photographer basketball player 

asked him what the thing was to exercuse with is how i met then ended up talking for over an hour

then this beautiful girl came running up to me she said sarah! 

like she was my best friend.. i said whats your name. cassie. i sd i dont remember how wecmet

she sd i work here in the kids club. we met down here working out on eqipment.

she is a beautiful long red haired angel from the stars universe

cassie sd lets do leg workout. i said ok so she showed me

thursday she will be back. so will i.

then next mon tues thu fri she will be there.

i want to live at the gym

godsend again

people that are loving to all and love me. i feel loved again finally.!!!


Sunday, March 8, 2026

Types of people cant deal with

 black and white thinkers

those that cant distinguish their opinion from fact

insane crazy schizo flip chameleons


I take care of myself quite well

i ordered a cheap twin rolling bed and a wardrobe for my bedroom I live in most of the time

 making room for movement exercise in the bedroom. i can shut and lock the door and do whatever i want as long as it is not too noisy bothering him

i will get some window film for the west window so i can see out and no one can see in since he is so concerned about people looking in the windows

i will order some blackout curtains to replace the see thru light beige curtains he installed when he moved into this house in january 1991. i covered them up with red sheets and a tapestry and it looks terrible

i might not open the boxes when they arrive in a few days

i might tell him i am going to wait awhile until i am ready due to the floor in here

and i might wait weeks because i may find another place to live and when i do i want to load up the boxes along with important things like documents, computers, tablets, phones, clothes, food, 

then i will tell him i am returning the items when i am really going to load them up and move the hell out of here



Truth coming out about our origins, sphinx,eqypt, proof evidence of reincarnation :HIS obsession

 and proof of political corruption

proof of ufos, extraterrestials, aliens


Friday, March 6, 2026

What is weird is he will still wants sex and is gentle about it and not too freaky. He is mean in other ways.

 he does it the same old ways each time except for on february 28 2026 a week ago when he asked me to do a position he claims we did many years ago. i do not remember doing it but might have. 

so i did it and he wasn't too thrilled but said i had told him that position was "unspeakable". supposedly i said that. i suspect he did it with someone else not long ago or was watching it on some kind of porn.

if we don't do it for a couple of weeks or more he will ask me if i still have feelings down there

he has never raped me but once he came close a couple of years ago when i did not do it for a couple of weeks. he ripped my pants down in his bedroom he was not horny and uptight.



I don't want to watch it. I want to experience it. I want to do it if I like it.

 If I am hungry I want to eat food. I don't want to watch a commercial or any tv or video of someone else eating. It does nothing for me.

Same way about sex. Exercise. Dance. Movement. Cleaning. Organizing. 

Same about events, concerts, shopping, hobbies, work, activities, creating or destroying something.

Some people seem to get off on watching stuff most of the time instead of doing it.



he saves everything he can

 trash reluctant to empty until its full

napkins rags paper towels

old underwear shoes boots. clothes


parts old broken unusable things paint knick knacks nic nac

expired food , old vhs tapes dvds cds electronics 

used car fluids 


He sneaks around phone calls money jobs shopping eating visiting people

 In bedroom garage when he's gone he's on the phone chatting talking texting

sneaks in stuff in the house sheds and puts stuff in neighbors shed

i sometimes find out about items and porn he has sneaked into the house and sneaks around watching it looking at it

sneaking bout money, visiting people, work, jobs, who knows what all he is sneaking around about

Last night he was talking to someone after midnight again and I did not hear his phone ring when he said "What?" as if he knew this person closely. Then he mumbled something that sounded like 

"wabishgo sheep" and at the end said "It wasnt me. It's not me" and shortly afterwards fell asleep.

couple hours later around 2 am i heard a female voice say "Hello" twice then she said something else I am not sure of.  HE was snoring away so he did not answer her. 

WHAT device did her voice come from? Good question. He had fallen asleep at least an hour before she talked so I doubt he left his phone on during a call because it uses minutes. Must be some kind of app of the phone that can stay open and not charge minutes on a line.

On the night of february 24 right before midnight he opened my bedroom door and said something about "oh it is good we qualified for medicaid" and he was acting antsy and anxious

When he realized i was dog tired he promptly left only to go to his bedroom and immediately made clunking noises like grabbing something off his desk opening a drawer, starting talking to someone ..don't know for sure but probably his cell phone. i did not hear it ring.  it was about 12:14 am february 25th when he entered the room made a grunting noise, said ' the heat expanded off of me" then in the sexy voice said "more!" 

a minute or so passed and he said either "25 or 35? that's nothing. its been too long. ...a pause for another minute then "you're experienced. age 10 ( i think he said 10), HOW Much?" a short pause and he said "you just want a big dick ...."

i am lead to believe he is conversing with someone.  A stranger somehow on a website or chat room place of some sort. 

I have not confronted him with my knowledge and discoveries. HE would DENY it anyway then get totally pissed if he knew how I found out what he is doing.

THE ONLY way to find out is if I had his working phone and his nonworking cell and copied all activity on both of them.

UNLESS he has another device I do not know about. Likely because he saves all of his old cell phones tablets electronics computers, etc. And I wouldn't put it past him to go buy a new device that he can use for such activity and hide it somewhere likely in his bedroom. That is why I keep hearing dresser drawers open and close/shut when he is in there alone.


 






COMPASSION ENDS

 His back hurts and top left chest.

He asked me not to talk

After I just cooked great chicken and noodles and BBQ pork. I went outside with him carried a fairly heavy box of wood in the house because his back and chest hurt so much and he finished installing the power steering pump in my van earlier today because the part showed up via FedEx.

I told him he didn't have to do it if he was in such pain. He did it anyway.

I left the livibg room. A few minutes later he gets up sits in his recliner starts reading a book with his knees propped up as if nothing is wrong. 

Told him he tells me to shut up all the time when he blamed his telling me not to talk on his pain. So I said go listen to your political news and everyone else and I will leave  the room.

He was horribly nasty to me this morning in his tone of voice when I answered his question about the ebay seller who sold me the ps pump that whined. 

I should show the same lack of compassion he has shown me since day one.

I have chronic severe back and leg pain and progressive scoliosis. I can't take the cold cant lift heavy items. Can't do things that require bending forwards like raking leaves.


I can't stand still for long or stay in any one position for long. Have to keep moving and stretching my body to try to alleviate pain.

He is a mean sonofabitch to me most of the time. 

Instead of me showing sympathy and empathy which is my nature I need to treat him the same way he treats me. 

A heartless way to be that goes against my grain but it looks like I will begin acting that way with him.





Wednesday, March 4, 2026

CURIOSITY OBSERVATION MEMORY PATTERNS

Learned about living with others, marriage, work, solo, peace, happiness.

 Learned.

Living or working with anyone ends up being sheer hell.

Marriage is not about love. It is about ownership, power struggles, fights, wars, battles, conflict, tension.

Happiness begins in myself. It is impossible to remain happy living or working with a miserable person.

Working with other people ends up in power struggles the same as a marriage or live in situation.

Live or work with a man and he is sexually frustrated all the time.

Live or work with a woman and it is a competition to see who is dominant, who gets the man/men or if she likes women, who gets the woman and has dominace in the situation and relationships.

Who gets the prize, the prestige, the power, honor, respect in any relationship anywhere?

Well, obviously it is not me. 

Most people want to make themselves happy at the expense of other people. Few people go out of their way to make anyone else happy. Lots of people enjoy instigating fights and worthless circular arguments in an attempt to push their importance and status upon others.

Most people want to be top dog vip important whether they verbally admit it or not.

People want attention and their are countless ways they go about getting it.

Any person can end up doing evil things if put into the right circumstance even if they have a pure nature. Evil as in lying, stealing, cheating, gambling, manipulating, gossiping, mental and physical harm of another being or harming themselves in an attempt to deal with the chronic abuse they have been coping with. 

Competition, contests are common amongst humans and animals. Even the most passive being is in some sort of competition or contest to win at something in their life. A masochist can feel powerful when in submission, a sadist when being dominant. 

Is it real power to be a martyr or a murderer? Why be either one? Why submit to punishment or punish others? What is the point? They are both losers.

Where is true power? Being yourself without involving others in your pain or pleasure? All that is wanting to be seen, heard and paid attention to by some person or other life form. The life we have is granted by the unknown universal energy / energies and will be taken away at any moment and it has nothing to do with being seen by the other forms it has created. 

Can I pleasure or hurt myself when I am alone? Absolutely. I please myself often when no one else is around. The only reason I ever hurt myself is because others have hurt me, they enjoy watching me suffer and I figured I would be better off dead or crippled. That is what they want. To see me hurt, cry and be miserable. It gives them pleasure. Sadistic humans are everywhere. Their two faced phony facades are tricky. If I hurt myself first in front of them maybe they won't have to do it themselves. 

I certainlty do not know and have not known anyone who goes out of their way to please me on a consistent basis without asking me for something in return. Demanding, expecting compliance with whatever they happen to want at the moment.









New plans for my bedroom I live in most of the time.

 Tranform the closet into the room for a twin xl rollaway bed. Only about 30" will stick out from the closet. Perfect for me to stand on the get things out of the big closet cubby hole above where the clothes rack are that are on metal rods and pull out. I can use the metal rods to hold exercise bands while in bed and hang and stretch all I want...unlike what I have now. I have to lay on the floor to use this huge resistance band. 

When the mattress is in the closet under the clothes rods I can lay on the bed and fall and stretch and move all I want without worry of getting hurt. 

I will get a rolling wardrobe rack for all my clothes and put it against the east wall in my bedroom, right in the spot he said is best to put anything that is heavy.

This way I can move the bed and the clothes rack around whenever I want to. 

I have rearranged my room a gazillion times in the last few years and each time it seems to be right and gets better. It will be even better like this. It will open up the middle of the bedroom so I can use exercise mats and comforters and pads and pillows and dance and exercise on these. 

In my bedroom are 2 desks. One is an old wooden desk, the other is a long plastic table about the size of the desk. I have several laptops, a tablet, cell phone, tablet pad holder, 10 key adding machine I just bought new not along ago. I have a small postage scale, an inkjet printer and a larger scale for weighing heavier items. I have a wooden cabinet that holds my microwave. Plates, bowls and the popcorn maker is in the bottom of the cabinet. 

I have a square plastic table against the wall between the bathroom and the closet. I use it now for my coffee maker, hot pot and two plastic bins that hold silverware.

Above the clothes closet and on some of the shelves in the master bathroom inside this bedroom I have food, coffee, tea, electric hot plate, instant pot, towels, wash cloths, paper towels, my moms shoebox of papers and pictures stored.

There is a cutout in the wall between the bath and closet with two shelves that hold spices, candles and miscellaneous items.

I have a 9 drawer metal frame cloth dresser I purchased at Walmart a few months ago. On top of it is my 32" fire tv I bought cheap 79 dollars at Best Buy last year. 

A stack of  3 ring binders and paper notebooks containing my journals are in here. All of my important documents birth certificates, marriage licenses, 2 divorce decrees, etcetera are in dark blue folders on top of my desk.

A black portfolio holds in diploma from 1985 when I graduated from Bryan Institute in Overland Park, Kansas with a degree in computer programming and accounting. Other important items are in the portfolio.

The bathroom drawers and cabinets are full. 

One day I will have all of my things together in one room and when I leave it will be so much easier to pack up everything in one small truck and make one trip. 

I have emeril pots and pans downstairs that were a gift from my son and daughter in law many years ago. I have several vacuum cleaners. A couple of plastic totes of pictures, a tote with a small sewing machine and a slide viewer, two sewing boxes are also mine.

A small lamp I bought cheap at Walmart. A wooden jewelry box filled with obituaries and trinkets throughout the years of my life. 

The microwave is his. He bought it for 20 bucks on craigslist years ago. He can have it. I will leave it lying on the floor in the bedroom when I leave here.

I need my own place. I need to disappear completely, get a passport so I can travel and be gone for at least 6 months away from here, away from him. 

He needs to have me gone, be rid of me, live without me for an extended period of time or maybe forever. 

I could file for divorce and later file for social security as a divorced woman and collect benefits on his account then I would probably get the same retirements benefits he gets which is double what I get which is now 544 a month. His is 1089.

I need peace for the rest of my life. I need it now. 






Massaged his back for an hour and a half tonight

 after we got back home from free dinner at a medicare meeting seminar

he asked me to do it after he took a hot bath in epsom salts i bought and then he asked me to use castor oil to massage him which i also bought a gallon of over a year ago. 

i happily complied and said i enjoy it

he said your back must hurt and you are in pain. i said i am but it doesn't matter. i can move around stand over you bend over lean sideways use diffferent positions. it is good for me to massage others and move my body around. 

he said he would massage my back if i asked him. i said i don't ask you. i don't ask people to do things for me unless it is absolutely necessary. 

i have a plan to do things to take care of myself.  told him i used to massage my grandma and dad and other people. dad and grandma got really bad migraines and were in tears from the pain and i massaged their neck and should arms bottom of legs feet and hands until the pain went away. they really appreciated it. 


Tuesday, March 3, 2026

March 2 2025 Told him I don't trust anyone including him

Getting my mojo back

 hair, face, skin, muscles, body, expression...smile more often. clothes i wear. 

up early today and yesterday 8 am



March 3, 2026 Tuesday. He takes off in my van after fixing power steering pump. 2 hrs. comes back takes long nap again like yesterday

 2 hrs gone. sd to get propane tanks filled. stopped at dg on grvw rd first then to uhal blue ridge then to park and walked. peter neighbor called sd he had his money so he stopped by his house one block from ours and picked up sixty 60 dollars for electrical wk he did yesterday.

meantime i am at home whole time. conditioned washed my hair, showered, did sink full of dishes from yeterday. painted my nails clear. going to post stuff for sale on net.


351 he wakes up

heard him talking mumbling in his sleep nap

he turns on news crap first thing upon awakening also in the morning and falls asleep at night listening to it or something



Saturday, February 28, 2026

Sex is still wonderful however he won't kiss me on the mouth.

 Last night.. even though number of times reduced  which I did due to his erratic behavior 

He claims my vapor cigarette causes bad breath.. a total lie. I suspect some suspicous suspect activity on his part. NOT wanting to kiss on the mouth is sign on dead relationship. I know, I did it when I had to go back to ex husband and detested him. I refused to let him kiss me.



Storytime every night after 5 pm and all day long for him

 Constant news.  Stories about ufos, ancient history,  children who remember past lives, political right wing stuff. 

Auto mechanic videos. Edgar cayce...  psychics. 


Prophets. Bible stories true. End is near.

Man controls the weather. 

Weather disasters 



Looking for proof of beliefs. Evidence. His beliefs are fact.

Webster dictionary and web search results are wrong if they don't match what he believes. 







Monday, February 23, 2026

He wants all others to think well of him. does not care what i think

I got old. 64 close to 65 in july

 chatty. talk too much. used up. unwanted. not desired fast like i used to be. rarely told you are pretty anymore. 

sagging skin. flabby cellulite legs butt. 

no tits. flat chested.

not child bearing anymore since 2010 so sex appeal keeps going down by the minute.

hair beard moustache on my face worse than before.

 get tired easily. broken down. in pain all the time.

look younger than 64 but when i tell people my age most dont want to deal with me beyond a s conversation with a stranger. they are not interested in spending time with me beyond a necessary encounter.






Sunday, February 22, 2026

Accountability. Accounting. He does neither of these regarding himself.

 he hates accounting for his expenditures. he claims he spends his money wisely. he does spend it wisely at times. other times very foolishly.

he refuses to take responsibility and accountability for his words and actions, his thoughts. he is not self reflective. he blames others for his reactions, reactive behavior.

it is never his fault.


What a fool cannot understand he laughs at, scorns, hates, kills

Immature people: Males or females.

 Rely on appearances looks only. Think physical looks of someone's body, money, cars, houses, material things are top priority. Do not take time to consider the inner workings of another being whether it is human, animal, plant or any other life form.

They do not work on themselves.

Competitive. Believes they have to compete and fight with others to prove themselves better and superior, smarter, more able and capable and more important.

Looks at surfaces. Lacks ability or comprehension of the individuality and personaility of any being.

Compares others and self to everyone else constantly. Will say things like "Why can't you be like so and so?" and "Just shut up!" anytime someone expresses a difference any thing different what they like prefer or believe which is only their opinion.

Can't distinguish their opinion from fact.


Fights with family spouse girlfriend boyfriend husband wife trying to force their ways opinions beliefs hobbies habits upon other people and tries to make animals do what they want without considering the nature of beasts.

Are impatient, critical, rude, mean. Zero patience. No tolerance for anyone ever slipping up making a mistake, spilling something, having an accident yet if they slip up they diminish what they did and say 'OH, well"

Expect immediate satisfaction in all things. Are not willing to wait for anything.

Pushy. Arrogant. Status seeking. Flashy things.

Tend to eat whatever is fast and easy and lying around.

Tend to be addicted to sweets, drinks, food, alcohol. Trash crap food and drink.

Drive like maniacs. Cuss out other drivers. Road rage. Sometimes will jump out of the car and confront other drivers on the road or give them mean looks, yell and scream and threaten them. Some will shoot stab harm others due to their anger.

Easily angered then blame others for their own behavior and reactions

Reactive instantly.

Treat other people like slaves, servants and doormats. Expect others to do their bidding instantly without any regard to the other persons time, feelings, situation.

Selfish. 

Grabby. Grabs things anywhere including other people's food, items 

Opens the bathroom door or bedroom door on people with no notice.

Crosses cuts defies boundaries of others 

Into the neighbors business.

Thinks they know what everyone else should be doing, dressing, saying, working at instead of focusing on their own things they ought to be doing.

Outer focused.

NO meditation. No self reflection. 

Will not look at themselves and accept blame for what they say or do and will say "I wouldn't have yelled, screamed, attacked you, hit you, strangled you if you didn't act that way."

Judgmental of all except themselves.

Has to have constant external media going like radio, tv, internet movies videos noise, music. 

Always talking about how stupid and disgusting people are. Never looking at how disgusting they are . Making comments about how they hate fat people the way they look 

Maintaining repulsive evil heinous thoughts about life sexual desires and horrible things they would like to do or have done then denying they thought said or did it.

Cruelty to people and animals. Justifying it. 

Should be ashamed of themselves but project their shame humiliation upon others . Inflict their guilt upon others. Projection and denial.


 

 

He is tied to house cars possessions

I am going to research a pain shot for my back

 its getting to the point i cant take it anymore


I have peace in my clean room and a vacuum a mop and a broom.

Norman talked about

 psychology. etymology word meaning. the bible trying to understand it. world war 2 ii he was in the army. cars trucks mechanic stuff. at a loss and couldnt figure out his sexual attraction to linda his niece or to me... i was 25 in 1987 he was 65. 40 years older than me. i ended up being his niece in law marrying his nephew. he claimed linda bore his child a girl named becky.

a real talker he was friendly. would spout off wise wisdom quotes once in awhile.

he would talk about lesa wilkins a girlfriend of mikes and say she came around looking for him at his place in raytown missouri on pershing road. she pulled up and had 3 of her kids in her car supposedly by other men not mike.

then if she was married why did she look for mike? then she went to mikes duplex in independence. 

he was basic plain simple lived without running water or a telephone in the city where everyone has water and all utilities. rough country character old man.

his 4 acres of land was a junkyard. people called the city on him. he had to leave they condemned the property. cars buried there and dumped over the hill.

he said the worst thing is being crazy and not knowing you are crazy 

and friendly enemies are the worst kind.


he a rutherford. was the mediator reason i met his nephew mike.


Saturday, February 21, 2026

stalemate catch 22 44 88 1000000

I can trust no one I know

 that he knows

every mutual contact believes he is the greatest and they wont believe me or help me


Undivided attention I never have with from him

 his mind is always jumping around about something else.

his eyes dart around not looking at me

he jumps up takes off in the middle anytime at meals and any activity

he answers the phone or door anytime regardless of what is going on


Thursday, February 19, 2026

Since I was 6 was interested in boys

 natures uncontrollable instinct urge

desire for marriage dissipating

too many wrong choices with males

huge mistake bearing the 2 boy children i had

marriage is also worst mistake

it is about ownership. has nothing to do with love

 

rk312x on network for couple of years unknown device

 zed btcx  mac address  26:a8:b7:3a:26:1f

csdmbase 1467 open port on his phone sometimes samsung a03

 NO other devices here show open ports only his samsung cell phone


My purpose according to him what he says how he treats me

I am to watch the house and cars when he is gone, pay bills. pay my own bills. work so i can get money to pay bills he doesn't have to pay

cook shop clean have sex whenever he wants it even though he may have just threw a temper tantrum angry fit AND act like I like it . Look innocent pure pretty and be a total slut in bed. Wear something sexy hose with holes diamond shape skimpy outfits use lube if he thinks i should and he buys none of those things for me. 

I am the on demand door mat for all of his abusive talk words anger and sometimes a punching bag AND I am to remain silent NEVER tell anyone what he says and does to me. What will they think? It is none of their business. Says we should solve our own problems I dont need a counselor shrink psychologist therapy or anyone to talk to about anything. Thinks what he says and does is not abuse and said I wouldn't get mad and do those things if you didnt piss me off...if you were normal and nice instead of being a bitch. He calls me a bitch and trouble maker each time I remind him of his verbal and physical abuse. To him abuse is only leaving marks drawing blood breaking bones.

I am to put up with his dirty ways, his friends who show up whenever they want usually expecting him to fix their stuff

To put up with him conversing talking texting to all the neighbors around here AND I am to stay out of all of and NOT communicate with the neighbors or ANYONE who comes over here including my oldest son who is ironically JUST LIKE HIM

I am to allow him total freedom to say and do whatever he wants and visit anyone anywhere he is while restricting me putting limits regarding my clothes, hair, makeup,shoes,coats, purses, hats, scarves, gloves, friends, family, associates, work, job, education, school, college, money, my talking, words, actions, telephone, phone conversations, food. drink, hobbies. fun. leisure. cleaning organizing sorting.  

Monitoring, criticizing what i look at on tv or internet or music i listen to while he is in room or around and can see or hear it. Says he hates black music which i call dance r and b soul so i cant listen to it if he can hear it.

This means I cant dance which I love to do.

monitoring criticizing how much and what i eat drink in front of him. claims coffee is bad and washes nutrients calcium out of my body. i can drink 4 or more bottles of water a day he griped about that so i bought brita filters and use that for most of my water. he claims i dont need to change filter that often. he complains when i use ice maker saying what are you doing with all that ice. make sure you listen for a pop after getting ice cubes that means the door is shut otherwise ice shoots out all over the floor. says you need to drink milk for years even though i have lactose intolerance. claims i have osteoporosis only because i did not drink milk all these years.even though doctor said after menopause women's estrogen drops causing calcium depletion. he refused to believe dr. neurosurgeon who told me last summer and another a month ago.

oh my god i only weigh 120 lbs pounds and dropped to 117 a couple of months ago due to chronic stress with him pitching a fit about something at every meal i eat in front of him . i used to weigh 135 to 145

i learned not to eat his steak sauce bbq sauce hot sauce salsa and finally learned do not put salad dressing on my salad in front of him. he always says i put too much on. last week i put a little olive oil on it with a bit of italian and he claimed i put too much on then yelled i am glad i am not buying the olive oil with the way you use too much of it

i put the bowl in front of him tossed the dressing and said look does that look like too much? after he saw it he said no it isn't too much

he bitches about me washing dishes claims i use too much soap .sd a couple of years ago you use it all up fast i buy it and its gone.

I never have his undivided attention. 

He rarely allows me to complete a sentence without interrupting and interjecting his thoughts on what he thinks I am going to say or telling me what he thinks I meant to say.  He does not listen. He will not and cannot listen to me yet appears seems to listen to anyone else especially broadcast radio tv internet movies tv shows music musician bands he likes. He is very attentive to these sources of information.






has people showing up at home randomly unannounced or very little notice

 has people showing up at home randomly unannounced or very little notice

does not tell me anyone is coming over



December 28, 1987

 he had a psychic reading and recorded it on cassette tape. following that enlightening experience he came across edgar cayce became obsessed. he follows people in trances psychics jane 


because he sd the 1st psychic knew things about him she could not know and it convinced him

what was her name? who was she? what is her birthday?

did he stay in contact with her after the reading?

i think his sister dorothy turned him onto her

the tape has a 4 number on it. wonder what that means 


I've always been obsessed

 with someone, something, some activity, work. business eating. fasting, smoking. drinking many things. observing behavior, mimicking. reading. thinking, 

Wednesday, February 18, 2026

I cry and cry and cry

 truths

pain suffering of people animals

intentional cruelty by humans

missing my grandson


Watched another good movie last night. Same underlying story line.

 "Karla" true story of young 18 yr old sweet acting and beautiful woman who fell for a rapist abuser but she didn't know it.

She loved him with all her heart treated him and called him king. Said she was there to please him and as time went on he had zero respect for her, abused her mentally emotionally physically punching beating raping her. He was out raping numerous girls women in different areas always seeking victims who were young sweet innocent and he enjoyed corrupting them raping tying the up beating them hitting punchig slapping and killing a lot of them. He called them all stupid bitch, slut, whore. Treated them like they were worthless. All he wanted was sex and to have a feeling of power over them. Demanded they say to him "I love you" and "you are my master, i am your slave"


He was an insecure weak minded narcissist 

feeling weak..each time he feels weak lacking power he has to find a victim to dominate


SAME story of life: the male seeking the virgin he can corrupt and make dirty.

The more the female adores him, admires him and acts like it is her duty to be his slave the less he respects her.  She should never give in to his desires especially upon first meeting. If the woman has sex immediately it sets the stage for complete total disrespect which can never be earned again.

King Queen princess prince

machivellian power control struggles dominance submission

other movies and real life events have the same theme 

what's love got to do with it

straight on til morning

burning bed

stranger beside me






Tuesday, February 17, 2026

Anger I learned from family since birth

 things i get angry mad about same things my family did

my father my grandmother yelled got mad about leaving messes, dirty dishes, putting nasty stinky things in trash where dogs and animals smell it rip the bag open scattering garbage all over yard and street, 

my mom, aunts. grandmothers mad about sloppy drunks drug addicts bums,  fighting those who pick fights for no valid reason, her man husband gawking at women flirting unfaithfulness cheating porn viewers, uncooth rude mean impolite dirty stinking people and places

my grandfather dad grma mother mad about bad language mispronunciation mispellings of words , incorrectness, lack of education. slacking. laziness. being late. 

aunt ruth and her sisters my grandma and aunt jeanne especially picky about having clean floors. food sanitation, clean spotless clothes. doing laundry.



I read somewhere men are less choosey when it comes to women

 I read they will take whatever is available much more so than a female will do. 

she is usually much more choosy about selecting a male to mate with.

in a room with 100 men it is rare i see one i would choose.

so i walk away leave the scene empty handed 

doubtful there is even one in ten thousand i would want or choose.

its slim pickins in this world.

if there is a suitable partner he is likely taken and he wont let go of her his mate and she has a stronghold on him.

and single or married males want women 27 years old or younger. the younger the better.

the more naive the better. he can lie all the time and she will believe it.

less experience means she has less ability to compare him to anyone else. he is god in her eyes. so he has to work less. he can fool her more. he can be an insecure scrawny wimp and she thinks he is he man hulk hunk.

he doesnt like older wiser women who can smell his shit fast.





Sore throat, coughing runny rose on May 9th, 2026 the day before Mother's Day sunday May 10

 why did it happen? where did it come from? I am as careful as can be when I do anything so I won't contract illnesses. when I go out to...