Walmart. 64.99. Will use it to put my microwave on top . Has 5 drawers and cabinet door on left. I can store pots pans books files office supplies.
Finally will be able to roll the microwave around easily in my bedroom.
Tired of old furniture especially wood that has no wheels and is hard to move so I can clean or just rearrange things at my will.
Next is a standing desk 40 inches wide that moves
Pneumonia vaccine left arm top and COVID-19 in my right arm.
My left arm is painfully sore still. It is June 21st. 201 am
You want to harm yourself or someone else.
I am the harm myself suicide type.
He is the harm someone else type. Especially me since I happen to live here and am an easy access target to vent his anger and rage upon the world or any particular person or things he's pissed off about.
I suppose he would be better suited with a woman just like him who will punch hit knock the shit out of him over any little thing.
He gets mad wants to hit punch strangle me or people or animals
I get mad want to burn something or toss it in the trash or destroy myself due to the meanness of other people. I want to cry. Have cried countless times.
He rarely cries. He cried one time when I drew blood on my left forearm digging my fingernails in so hard I have very visible scars. He said he cried when he looked at the little bear I found at Goodwill thrift a couple of years ago and put it in his bathroom next to the bear he gave me back in 1990 or so.
Rarely does he have tears in his eyes. He has blind rage in his eyes most of the time.
2012 August. I drove him and daughter in law in his white Escalade to celebrate his birthday, age 30. I was the designated driver.
I remember the young girls bartending that night. He made a comment to the blonde very pretty bartender about how white her teeth were. She was reticent, a quiet personality. The other woman tending was rough mean acting.
The guy Dave Cervantes gave me his phone number.
I danced by myself in the crowd of drunken people.
14 years ago this August.
I don't know when my son started drinking alcohol. Not sure how old he was .
Didn't realize when he was 30 that he was drinking so much probably daily.
I was 23 in 1984 when I began drinking beer. Some classmate in the school I was attending for computer programming showed me how to drink beer. Prior to that I was shy and reticent, insecure, scared afraid of people.
I quit drinking in 2003. October. No particular reason. No one else's decision but mine. No pressure no promises no deadline no real goal. I just quit. 19 years of it.
Life has still been a bitch without alcohol. Nothing got better at home or with jobs or relationships.
The good thing that happened when I drank was I learned to open up instead of holding everything inside. I began to stand up for myself.
The good thing that happened when I quit was saving my body from alcohol destruction.
I wonder when he started drinking and when he's going to quit, if ever.
He's almost 44 and still hitting the bottle, bottles
Like your tone of voice, the words you say, what you say, the way you say things
Your impulsiveness, unpredictable storms of anger
Your habits. Eating constantly nasty stuff without thought of what you are putting into your body. Drinking sugary drinks all day then rum at night sometimes beer wine whiskey vodka
Your touching everything with your fingers absorbing chemicals then touching things people animals spreading it all over
You firing up lawn mowers weed eaters blowers power tools and using toxic yard chemicals bug poisons petroleum products lacquer thinner paint fiberglass gasoline inside the house without proper ventilation or outside when I am cooking laying out in the sun sitting on the porch or patio
Your using the same dirty black filthy rag for everything spreading god knows what all over the house
Your taking over whatever I do and blocking me from cleaning and whatever else I need to do
Husband and two ex husbands.
Although their public personality and physical body are different their basic core is the same
He eats fast. Walks away sits in recliner and immediately goes on to something else. Leaves the room in beginning or middle of conversation.
Doesn't like to linger, browse, take plenty of time to look
Gets things wanted in stores same old things
Speaks Says his piece one thought exits room never says I am walking off
Sex is finished exits area fast
Doesn't cuddle
Once he gets what he wants he is gone quickly
Brief phone conversations with me
Brief talking to me. Gets away fast
Will listen to his sister Dorothy my son Ricky for long periods of time on my landline telephone and when he is in person with them. Does because he doesn't want to pay for cell phone minutes on his phone.
Uses my landline for outgoing calls to neighbors his family, stores, businesses, government, Mike Lindells crap political things he signed up for,
Uses his phone for craigslist ads and short personal calls
Will call Kenny Gill on my landline talk for an hour
Tells me to shut the fuck up quit wasting his time and says I don't want to hear it all you do is complain. All you do is talk you don't do anything around here.
After sex he leaves the room within a few minutes goes to his bedroom or sleeping area in the garage
Then returns to bastard state the next day and stays that way until he is horny again
Desiring sex with me instead of solo I mean because I know he gets horny in between our episodes and masturbates like lots of people probably do.
"Nothing like the real thing, it's not same" , he says when I say you and I can just jack off. You don't need me for that or anything.
With clear intent about what he thinks is important then he leaves
He detests conversation about variety of subjects unless those are subjects he is interested in and he brought up
Nice stay nice around nice ones and remain nice
Mean mingle with the mean and they recognize each other fast
Nice becomes mean after associating experiencing meanness . If they don't learn to be mean around the mean they don't survive. Some commit suicide.
Mean rarely become genuinely nice all the time.
.
Qualities of the ladies and
qualities of the gentlemen
are similar as qualities of
their opposites are in the
Bitch vixen shrew females and
cad scoundrel rogue villain
Coughing this morning. Still exhausted. Left house at 208 pm. Back here at 852 pm
Hour at MO Medicaid office Raytown resource center. Paperwork and accurate information and instructions from lady there named Orel. Made appt for this Thursday 3 pm. Have decided to wait till after July 1st. She said is ok if I miss appointment. She knows I feel terrible. Orel got me a chair I am so tired and weak.
Drove myself to emergency room. Had nothing to eat only water and coffee. Fatigue sore throat. Weighed me at almost 115 lbs. Lost 5 lbs in 2 days.
98.4 temperature a fever for me. I am cold. Took my coat into the hospital.
Very nice staff helped me. Took blood swabbed throat. Checked for COVID-19 flu mono strep all negative.
Dr Bro summary is gerd acid coming up micros... Causing sore throat. Prescriptions for maalox and protonix. My grandma Sarah took maalox daily. She had ulcers like I do but had surgery for it
Sent colonoscopy order to my primary care physician Emily. My grandma Sarah had upper and lower GI tests regularly. I have never had either.
So I am so like my grandma. She had disc fusion back surgery when I was 5 or 6. Had slipped discs from falling down stairs.
I have not had back surgery. Can't due to osteoporosis bad. Probably needed surgery many years ago. Maybe the scoliosis curve would not have progressed to 53 degrees it shows on last scan .
Finally ate food when I got home. 10 pm ate beef frozen fries cabbage cucumber radish potato salad.
Nice nurse Sarah a real lady at University Health gave me some snacks after Dr was done analyzing my results. I did eat the fig bar and Lorna dune cookies but not the apple juice or graham crackers.
They told me to wait for 2-4 hours after I eat before I go to bed because it's causing the acid reflux while I sleep.
I have been eating right before bed almost every night for years. Must stop doing that.
It's after 11 pm now so I will have my dessert banana and 2 fresh strawberries then wait two hours before going to sleep.
I will read more of book after dessert. Book is The minds of Billy Milligan by Daniel Keyes. Billy was first person to have criminal charges removed because psychiatrists diagnosed genuine multiple personality disorder.
It is probable that many more people have it or had it and we're not diagnosed. Psychiatric field is relatively new compared to the history of mankind which has an origin still unknown.
People study history and guess when humans began. Science and religion have different answers
And don't lift up your shirt. The personal trainer said recently. He's a religious christian.
Cover yourself up.
The husband says the same things along with don't spread your legs do squats kick your leg up in the air. Don't bend over with any low cut top.
Why?
They think about sex when they see the body parts. That's why.
Even when they see the face. Eyes looking certain ways, smiles, smiling, laughing, staring.,a long glance sideways or straight on.
They take it all the wrong way.
The really immature ones think just because a girl talks to him she wants to go to bed with him.
And can't do it
I wore myself out and hated to have to sleep
I need quite a bit of sleep and can't work long hours or days. I get sick and tired easily.
I did weird things like try to live on coffee and stay awake. It doesn't work. Worked at jobs heavy lifting automobile work painting houses hanging sheetrock carrying it and 4x8 sheets of plywood, carrying heavy firewood, doing ridiculous things for strong men not fit for me. Took long trips out of town with my ex husband working at festival all long days, doing electrical work out of town, mechanical work with him.
I tell my younger self I was a fool for even thinking I can and should do all that stuff.
I could not keep up with the guys men in any hard labor job. Lawn care is another I did.
I spent most of my life in the wrong jobs not designed for me.
My fragile body is why I can't hold down a wide variety of jobs or careers
I believed in the if there's a will there's a way and you can do anything you want if you try hard enough. Total crap thinking.
Scattered. Ill placed. The men just made fun of me and some sexually harassed me. They are trying to work and I was a distraction...a little female in the area all they could think about was sex.
This is why they don't want me around when they are working.
Penis brain takes over. It's nature. Any semi attractive female in the vicinity is a distraction. Especially if they see some leg butt boobs tit or mouth looking young shiny glossy lips pink or red even purple.
Bacterial infection is what pharmacist at 9000 Walmart Metcalf overland park ks said the other day June 12, 2026 Friday
The st Luke's clinic woman in Hy-Vee raytown mo said I had a virus and it turned into bronchitis. I went there after being sick for 3 weeks. It began May 9th
Pharmacist at Walmart in Kansas said I can get services there once I am on Medicare but can't now on medicaid because I live in Missouri
July 1st Medicare is effective
Not the woman or women who take care of him
Take care of yourself first.
He admires women who take care of themselves
Lots of processed food since I was born.
Lots of natural nutritious food. If it hadn't been for the healthy food I probably would have been dead already.
Vitamins minerals herbs supplements.
Last night a video on YouTube concerning varicose veins told the truth about the cause. Processed food manmade seed oils lots of sweeteners eaten by millions of people causes horrible health problems.
Stop eating bread, crackers, pizza dough, cake, cookies, anything with white flour, baked goods, fried anything from restaurants or in a package, snack foods, chips. Don't eat any of the fake stuff.
Zero soybean oil. No store bought salad dressing, sauces, gravy,
Eat plain meat, fish, seafood, eggs, fresh vegetables and fruits.
Eating wrong food caused me to have bad skin, rashes, excema, acne cystic, gastritis, duodenitis, heartburn, constipation, diarrhea, eye problems, bronchitis asthma, vomiting, headaches migraines, severe mood changes, insomnia, daytime sleepiness and more.
Sodas sugar chemicals rancid grease dough salty snacks , culprits of swelling inflammation edema. My body fighting back trying to heal itself and recover from the poisons.
Bad food may have been the cause of my scoliosis and osteoporosis and arthritis.
My mom ate lots of processed food and drank sugar tea and Pepsi and Kool aid and soda. Her diet when she was pregnant with me may have formed my problems.
When the person allows themselves to be distracted while in presence of people close by
It shows they are not interested in the person at hand. They'd rather chat on the phone or computer, play games or stick their face in a screen monitor or give all their attention to the radio television or some crap playing on the tablet, laptop, notebook or computer.
They ignore and shut out the person with them
They can't pay attention to more than one person at a time
https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+identify+a+crazy+person&oq=how+to+identify+a+crazy+person+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCggAEEUYFhgeGDkyCAgBEAAYFhgeMggIAhAAGBYYHjIICAMQABgWGB4yCAgEEAAYFhgeMggIBRAAGBYYHjIICAYQABgWGB4yCAgHEAAYFhgeMggICBAAGBYYHjIICAkQABgWGB4yCAgKEAAYFhgeMggICxAAGBYYHjIICAwQABgWGB4yCAgNEAAYFhgeMggIDhAAGBYYHtIBCTE2Njk0ajBqN6gCELACAfEFkjyz4VMbD4o&client=ms-android-walmart-terr1-rso1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#lfId=ChxjMe
We are not born that way.
We learned through observation and experience to get wrapped up in some kind of something in the media that distracts us from real personal life.
Sports. News. Books. Magazines. Movies. Music.
Tv shows.
Balanced face. Smooth skin. Tight blemish free skin. No wrinkles sags scars or missing pieces.
A certain song starts usually when I wake up then a small chorus part of it goes around in my brain all day long.
The cure is usually playing that song a few times off YouTube then it releases and the next day or hour another song pops into my head
Today it's "the old man is down the road" John Fogerty
Since I began a diary when I was a little girl. 9 or 10
Advice to my younger self and to anyone anywhere regardless of age.
Slow down. Take your time. Get to really know the person. Listen to what they say about other people and how they treat strangers. How do they get along with their family? How does he treat his mother? His sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts. Does he talk about and treat women differently than he treats men?
What do they say about these people behind their backs?
What kinds of associates, friends, buddies, companions does he have? What do they share in common?
This reveals their true feelings about life in general and what kind of a person they are.
The males I ended up with brag, are egotistical, not very clean about their body. They have disgusting habits like nose picking, picking at nose, toenails, petting animals, touching virtually anything and transferring the germs all over the place. Greasy handprints all over doors, doorknobs, cabinets, refrigerator, appliances, handles, furniture. Picking up the nastiest stuff on the road or anywhere and bringing it home and not cleaning things properly. Buying or getting used clothing and not washing it first. Not scrubbing their bodies properly. Some didn't even brush their teeth.
Sucking up pornography on paper and videos on tapes or dvds or on screen thru paid tv services.
Reusing old towels, paper towels, napkins. Sleeping in dirty linens bedding sheets blankets comforters sleeping bags. Throwing trash out in the yard. Leaving tools, equipment, anything laying around in the yard, the house, the driveway, anywhere.
Leaving and making dirty messes of dishes in the kitchen sink. Griming up the countertops, the bathroom sink, toilet and shower or bath tub and not caring that it looks black and stinks of rotten mold bacteria.
Ignoring whatever I say about hygiene, cleanliness. Causing bug problems and telling me it is no big deal to have flies, mosquitoes, stink bugs, roaches, june bugs, moths, spiders virtually any type of insect crawling or flying around the premises and inside the house. Feeding animals anywhere like tossing food on the patio, the middle of the yard and leaving bones where I walk so I could step on them. Tossing old cans of food in the middle of the backyard.
Not cleaning out trash/garbage cans. When the smell gets bad he cannot figure out where it is coming from so this one I am with actually sprayed furniture polish on the kitchen counters and expected me to prepare food on it.
They hate the smell of cleaners and disinfectants like bleach clorox lysol vinegar.
They/he sneak off to do dirty deeds like viewing hardcore porn when he thinks I am asleep or not around.
Last month in May this guy named Alex at the gym said I was every man's dream. He was very helpful and gentemanly to me, never making a pass or asking me for sex. It is one of the unwritten "rules" of the fitness centers and gymnasiums to not make passes at people.
Alex said my core was in great shape. solid.. he showed me how to use the bosu ball and several exercises
In April 2026 I took a walk north on crestview drive in my neighborhood. The neighbor, Mark hollered at me to come over up to the front porch and talk. His roommate named John said I was in great condition, beautiful and asked me what my secret was/secrets are. He asked "Does your husband tell you how great you look?"
I said "No. He hardly ever tells me I look good."
At another gym in April I went in and sat on the rowing machine. The man next to me on a machine said jokingly "Don't make me look bad" I said "What do you mean?" He said, "You look fit to me and I am afraid you will outdo me and make me look bad."
Morning people/persons. Him. Grandpa Leroy.
Both intensely angry frustrated people. Drive too fast. Cuss out other drivers.
Think daytime is only time to do everything.
Never really relax.
When sitting in recliner or on sofa or in bed they are watching disturbing, challenging, tension causing thing like sports, news, politics, fighting, weather forecasts.
Pick fights all the time.
Can't too thorough deep cleaning of anything.
Focused on teeth brushing too hard and using lots of mouthwash keeping it in mouth not rinsing it out.
Clutters up any and all surfaces and countertops.
Expects everything they want RIGHT NOW.
Have no patience for anything.
Makes big messes out of practically everything.
Stuffs face all day long. First thing in morning cookies junk food then cereal with milk.
Snacks of candy bars, potato chips or other bags of crap, donuts, pastries,
GPA drinks pepsi cola, sweet drinks lemonade sugary, soda pops, fruit punch drinks, juices, an expensive beer, a hard liquor drink. Smokes a cigar once in awhile swisher sweets or a cuban fat one that stinks really bad. Eats snicker bars alot.
HIM drinks same sugar loaded stuff lots of different sodas dr pepper orange lemon lime and sweet arizona and lipton green tea all day long cranberry juice fruit punch hawaiian apple juice store bought lemonade. Drinks very little plain water then complains about phlegm build up in throat coughing hacking up. EATS sugary and salty snack trash all throughout the day. always buys pre flavored snack pack nuts that are covered with artificial flavors tons of salt and bull shit.
Both like to go out to eat especially fast food joints because they don't have to cook anything and they love the taste of overly salted and fake flavored stuff cooked in nasty unhealthy grease. EATs stuff without considering health benefits and what the food and drink does to them.
Belief is that hard physical labor and exercise and sex is a cure all for everything.
Opens mouth and says any rotten thing that comes to mind never considering consequences of what they say and never taking responsibility for what they say or do. Upsets me or others and says "It's not my fault". (It is never his fault..always someone else's). Calls people stupid dumb ass idiots all the time.
When going places that are supposed to be fun (the zoo, horseback riding, carvinal, festival, restaurant, walk in the park) it is a high intensity tension filled hurry up disaster with him/them being pushy forceful dominating and saying shit like "What do you want? Hurry up and make up your mind"
Hits me on the ass. Checks out butts and bodies and boobs of all females anywhere in person or not and makes snap judgments and comments on the condition of their bodies. "She needs to jog. She is a fat cow. That looks disgusting."
First it is the looks. Tighter firmer body. Young face. Firm boobs butt skin face Cute. Pretty. Clean not much makeup. She tilts her head sideways. Gives that shy glance revealing her neck.
Quieter. Young girls women usually listen more
They are easy to convince teach persuade and con.
Some are too easy to get into bed.
Easy to use. Convenient. Had cheap or for free. Some girls will give in have sex just because he complimented her said something nice. And he never did anything for her or worked or gave her any money or material things.
The one he desires most is the one he hasn't had. Then there's the fantasy girl a virgin and the other dream woman is the whore who has no boundaries will do anything. He wants both. But after he has had her he gets bored. He keeps searching for that virgin and the perfect slut prostitute that will give him the ultimate best orgasms he's never had.
Younger inexperienced are more willing to please. Shape themselves into what he wants. Do his bidding run errands cook clean work. Go along with whatever he wants and likes. They are quick in their response. Apologize a lot even for things not their fault. Accommodating. Sit on his lap.
Take on his hobbies and interests and jobs.
Flexible body and mind.
They work on their looks and smells. Smell good clean and fresh. Hair is maintained well. Clothes fit good look nice. Outfits color coordinated. Shoes cute. Or barefoot.
They run jump play and bounce. They dance.
They smile a lot giggling and laughing.
A lot of younger women haven't set their ways yet and don't have many boundaries. He can take advantage of her much easier and fool her and impress her without doing much at all. An older woman who has been around is wise to his and other men's tricks. She's heard all the lines and seen what happens to other girls. She is experienced.
He wants one with hardly any experience or past so she can't compare him to anyone.
She therefore will think he is God and can do no wrong because she doesn't know any better.
If he is a brute bully abuser she puts up with it thinking it's normal.
He wants the experienced whore in private and doesn't want to be seen in public with her so she is just hidden away tucked into a room or place where no one else sees what he does to her. He does not take her places. He desires to do all perverted things to her but doesn't want anyone else knowing what goes on behind closed doors. He's embarrassed about what an animal he is.
His pretty little virgin girl is different. He is proud to show her off.
I was calling someone a lady once my son said "she is no lady, mom"
these don't impress me much
rough gruff rude loud boisterous dirty dishevelled pushy forceful
bragging mouthy
overly built muscles, ugly mean looking face
forward try to get me and dont even know my name
flashing money cars things thinking they impress females
does dirty work and doesn't clean up
puts filthy hands on everything
stupid disorganized
stinky body and clothes
rotten teeth
eats nasty fast food unhealthy choices
eats without thinking and eats too fast like an animal
sticks fingers in everything
my grandma sarah would say there is no excuse to be dirty pig
you have access to soap and water anywhere
use it
clean up
Between Rick and Mike:
"Sometimes I get so horny after I haven't had sex in awhile I could fuck a farm animal", Rick said. "I know. Especially if it is sex with someone you know", said by Mike/Michael.
rick speaks openly about anything esp sex. revealing personal details of intimate relations with many women or any other sex activities in his life or his opinions.viewpoints.
====================================================
Ken/Kenny and Mike: watching some movie with sexy women in it
"she should understand that i get turned on by other women and if i had sex with her.." Mike said.
====================================================
Clayton and Mike:
"it gets worse as you get older" said by Mike
"you're the only man i know who is married and has a girlfreind", Mike said.
clayton speaks very openly about anything esp sex and has girlfriend(s) and is married.
=====================================================
public conversations overheard when they think no one is listening reveal secrets and the things people think about. strangers like me can sometimes hear what they are saying.
Oh it's my skinniness my skinny arms my saggy skin on my arms
It's called sarcopenia old age at 64 . Muscle loss. Inescapable.
I go to the gym work out my arms legs back whole body. But since may 9 when I got sick I have not been able to exercise like was using weights and equipment and have not swam.
120 lbs to 124. 5 feet 3 3/4 inches. Shrunk from 5'6 1/2".
I reminded him again I weighed 118 lbs when I moved in here. Oh he says but you were younger then you've changed.
He doesn't like my change or any changes of any kind.
So I told him he doesn't like the way I look. I don't look like a porn star or like I did. I never had big tits like he wants and I never will
So why would he want to have sex with me. Oh it's because we are married and that's what I am supposed to do. We've done it hundreds of times for almost 35 years. That's one of the reasons I chose him. Sex. But it was his personality that won me over. I could have great sex with lots of guys. Well his true personality came out around the time his mother mom left this house in the summer of 1992. Gradually it has turned into full blown Marjorie the bitch on wheels. And his sister Karen even worse. And his hideous dead brother John and crazy brothers Jerry Bill and Larry.
I said it's not that good anyway. He said would it be better with someone else. I said I don't know. I don't want anybody. I take care of myself and that is fine. I certainly don't want another childish immature male. All they do is cause me problems and make me miserable.
October.
The 9th was a wedding date in 1981 to Ed my second husband. We were 20 years old.
The 4th is the mother in law's birthday 1944. Mother of my second husband I married on 10-9-81 in Miami Oklahoma. She is 18 years older than me and him.
Divorce was final from him on February 4, 1992. His birthday is Feb 4, 1961
The 15th was the due date of my pregnancies in 1998 and another in 1999. Both were aborted. First pregnancy was twins. Second was a single. He insisted on abortion both times and accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. He didn't want to have financial or physical responsibility of raising the children.
He reluctantly paid for abortions and insisted I get my tubes tied which I did in 2000. He has been screwing me since the summer of 1991. I moved into his house December 15, 1991.
My friend Harold Shaffer was born on October 9, 1917
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/110544334/harold_m-shaffer
It gets cold when October comes then is followed by months of very cold nasty weather. I hate it when October comes. I hate the cold, the snow, the ice and driving in it. I am stuck at home.
When we have snow due to living on a steep hill and neighborhood people get stuck on my street often, have wrecks and slide all over these streets here.
I get sick easily because the temperature drops. I freeze to death below 60 degrees.
October is a great time to be dead. No birthdays. Just death days
31st is Halloween hallows eve in remembrance of the dead.
It is before the holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas and new years eve and day which I never celebrate here with him or anyone. No one wants me around.
No family. No get togethers. No social gatherings. No life. Might as well be dead.
It's the gloomiest dreary time of year. Stuck at home with a man who hates my guts ruins every day especially holidays.
He hits punches me in the face jaw left side chin right before mother's day this year on May 7th. Never even mentioned mother's day.
He will get me a birthday card and put money in it but usually won't go anywhere. I go to restaurants by myself to eat my birthday coupon deals. If he goes he bitches about the cost and the food. Never plans anything. Never fun activities. Doesn't want to waste his money on experiences.
Same for Valentine's day. A card. Flowers this year he said he bought at price chopper a couple of miles from our house. I believe it was a last minute thought perhaps fueled by some guilt since he had bought himself a 15 thousand dollar car.
No dinner or any activity for Valentine's or the wedding anniversary February 21. 1998 was the year
February 24th he was on the phone or computer in his bedroom making a sex call to some woman which he flat out denies and doesn't know I have it recorded.
The last of ten children.
All are/were :
Paranoid
Addicted to something
Trouble makers. Love to start a fight then blame the other person
Confused
Can't communicate properly especially with spouse wife husband girlfriend boyfriend mate partner co worker
Make themselves look victimized
Paranoid
Jealous
News addicts
Several were on psychiatric medications. Some in care facilities for psychotic behavior
Sociopath
Status image focused to public outside world
Vicious
Mean hateful
Accusatory
Don't want commitment or a true loving marriage relationship
Vindictive spiteful evil
Sneaky
Hoarders
Attached to money and material things
Condemn criticize attack anyone close to them
Judgmental highly critical of everyone
Threatening. Always threaten to get rid of partner
Suspicious
Afraid of police
Fearful
Egotistical
Narcissistic
Focused on their body and face appearance .
Notice any person skin affliction like scars acne or discoloration makeup
Hair is a top priority so are teeth
Lack reflection
Hate peace and joyful happy free people because they are jealous envious
Hobbies vary. Some are stupid fantasy driven time wasters
Impatient
Short fuse temper
Most are fast crazy drivers
Can't take direction
Can't accept differences of anything or anyone in their minds
Rigid fixed
Accumulate flying monkeys they visit periodically. Flying monkeys think they are nice guy girl and are no competition to them.
Detest any confident person accusing them of being a know it all
Some diagnosed with schizophrenia . Karen Larry Jerry. All are but evaded diagnosis
The fights battle gets worse with him
The controller narc fearful dictator sociopath sadist
A robber thief of joy. A destroyer
No amount of money fame status or things will fix it
More than any physical automatic habit habitual routine
Harder . Exhausts and exhilarates
Involves foreseeing benefits or disadvantages in the future by making changes and additions or subtractions
Forces one to get off their butt and out of the rut
Mother of creativity
Meets with resistance
New and different synapses formed. Energy.
NEAT CLEAN ORDERLY
Military methods
Hospitals
Government
Schools
Funeral homes
Nursing homes, care facilities
Businesses like Walmart.
Professional offices
Restaurants
Uniform, dressed in uniforms
Clean
Sanitary Hygienic
Methodical
Ergonomic
Sensible
Proactive
Polite
Focused
Lots of room between things
Large aisles
Roomy, plenty and lots of room to move, shop, find things
Sensible
Organized
Categorized
Items in place in designated areas
ZERO clutter
Ventilation is excellent.
Plenty of fresh air movement
Efficient
Temperature controlled
Well managed
==================================================================
DIRECT OPPOSITE of slothful, being a slob or a sloth, lazy, laziness, dirty, filthy, nasty, messy, smelly, stinky, cluttered, disorganized, disarray, scattered, mismatched, rude, uncouth, dissheveled, pig like, disorderly, slack slacking, misspelled, mis pronounced, bad grammar, inefficient, crooked
the girl. she is my son's girlfriend. kayla.
kayla is single and said she doesnt want to get married
she has 2 boy children by two different men like i do did.
he is married to my daughter in law.
kayla just looks cute and sits there. she plays pool sometimes. sits at the dining room table eating or doing crafts.
cooking? cleaning? working? a job? appearing educated with a career? no to all of these
what are her talents. sex. squirting on video. what is his strong attraction to her? why is he?
makes me wonder why i have wasted my time and life working, cooking. shopping. catering. cleaning. babysitting. studying. reading. wanting to go back to school college to get a better degree
when all i really have to do is be cute little and fun. and sexy innocent acting.
and i could have relationships or sex a ships with many men and never have to live with them or marry them
then i would be treated like a queen
the one they cannot own or rule
they cant possess dominate control abuse torture humiliate ridicule
these guys would enjoy my companionship and give me time attention things and money and i am free of all of their bull shit jerk ways
if they screw up i disappear forever. it is that simple.
no fights. no divorce. no dividing assets.
just take off and go on to the next guy who acts loving and responsible.
the minute he slips i disappear.
they would have no legal hold on me.
no rights. no entitlement.
as it is marriage means he thinks he is entitled to whatever he wants me to do.
found on Tubi the other day. pluto tv and lots of other apps have loads of free movies and shows.
want to watch but i know i will not watch them all
never will because new movies are always coming out
if i lived to be 500 i could not see all broadcast shows. and most crap i dont want to see or experience anyway
i have a life to live. whats left of it. could be 5 or 10 years. dont know how much longer i will live.
i am going to guess at 75 i will be dead.
seems to be a common age to die around here.
might happen alot sooner if i cant see to get around. my eyes are doing funny things.
started doing stirring to make it creamy like soft serve when i was a little girl
when i was a little girl i had a little aluminum pot that held six eggs perfectly. i was so astounded and happy i told all my friends. they weren't excited as i was.
i would boil the eggs until they were done. hard boiled eggs.
little did i know about 55 years later i would be doing the same thing in a different pot. soft boiled is my favorite. hard to do so they usually end up with nice yellow cooked centers never green.
and do a lot of frying over easy or basted in bacon grease and lots of scrambling. too . pan preferred but use microwave often for oe or scrambled eggs
anything but raw eggs.
poached are very nice but hard to do in poacher pan over boiling water. dont have that type of pot anymore
Most violence and other criminal activities happen right at home.
People get on each others nerves. They have constant control battles.
No one wins. There is very little peace and hardly any love.
They are too familiar. They see each other too much.
Eventually they hate each others guts. Some leave for good.
Some commit murder.
Everything about someone becomes too much. Our habits , patterns. preferences, hobbies. friends. family. neighbors. jobs are all up for causing fighting and squabbling. Injuries in all ways. Physical, emotional. spiritual damage just from being around each other too much
Same goes for work, jobs. careers
Familiarity breeds contempt. And death Death in many ways due to feeling trapped in a box with hungry rats and snakes. Vicious lions ready to attack at any moment.
That is why I left my grandparents home when I was 16. To escape hell and damnation. Daily fighting yelling screaming name calling prejudice bitterness hate contempt cruelty sarcasm threats.
And I discovered that everywhere I lived it was the same old shit. Everywhere around anyone I know it is the same old crap.
Each job consists of the same control battles. the same gossip and slandering. The watchful eyes everywhere ready to cremate anyone for anything.
There is no peace on this planet in the presence of another human being ot their awareness of your existence. As long as they know you are alive they are on a mission to destroy you.
Some are out to cut your throat as look at you. And if they thought no one was looking, if they thought they wouldn't get caught they would slit my throat in a heartbeat and not blink an eye. No remorse for murder.
Good riddance of bad rubbish they would think. Then smirk and laugh at what they had done.
i suppose they hate me because i talk about him and tell the truth about what he says and does. they dont believe it because he is so nice and level headed when he talks to them.
people are sick of hearing me talk. they likely think i am a crazy piece of good for nothing shit. they think he is this wonderful intelligent smart hard working guy and i am a spoiled stupid ungrateful bitch and i deserve to have the shit beat out of me
no one gives a damn about me or what happens here. there is no savior, no hero. no rescue. no solution
i look bad to others because i am here. most have said why didn't or don't you leave? they think it is that easy. it takes a lot of money to pay rent or mortgage and bills and buy food gasoline insurance clothes and anything else. and their other stupid suggestion question dont you have family you can live with? is out of the question. been there. done that. living with any other person is hell regardless of who it is. so is finding another man to marry. been there done that 3 times. too. and have lived with many others.
sore throat sneezing nose blowing hacking up yellow and green and brown phlegm
went to target this evening. gone about 2 1/2 hours. bought plastic utensil set for 20 dollars. tried on 2 cute pink dresses different sizes. neither fit right at all. bust area way too big for me. could have held a d size cup and i am barely a b.
saw myself front and back in 2 mirrors in dressing room. i could see just how horrible i look. not fat but have severely twisted back with huge hump on left side. the skin is darker over the hump bump. my butt is not firm and shapely. not toned. flabby ass and thighs on legs. tiny tits.
ugly face and short hair. looks terrible.
depressing looking at myself. depressing when clothes shopping. i look bad in most outfits clothes dresses shirts.
there arent many styles i can wear. not like it used to be
i need to avoid tight tops, clingy clothes on my upper body. i always had small boobs and should wear puffy tops with gathering that are loose around bust area. cleavage is almost nil. the only flattering curves are on my butt if i can find a pair of pants that fit right around my small waist.
as long as my cellulite flab on my thighs is there i ought to avoid short shorts or little dresses.
I am alone in the woods. I belong solitary like the Neil Diamond song.
Alone together. that is what this marriage on paper is.
they are wanting to help. no strings attached
they are not pushy, not all about the money, not constantly thinking about something else during a conversation, not looking at the clock acting like I am wasting their time
their eyes give away their sincerity
kind ones I meet once in awhile instantly understand what i say and feel
they do not live with me, know no one I know and whatever I say will
never go back to anyone I know, live with, have lived with or any family member or neighbor
the safest places are being alone and when i run across genuinely nice, kind, understanding people
are where I am in today. agree with truths stated.
it took me this long on my journey in life to be aware of these things
and need to go back to being silent as I was when I was a child
silent with wisdom. move away from danger, negativity, any person or thing i sense is bad immediately without showing them any fear
just smile, nod and be on my merry quiet way
enjoying my lovely solitude
and make friends with a very few strangers that are also on the same wavelength
circumstances bring out emotion already inside. words arent said unless you think them. i dont care if he or anyone else hates my guts or loves me.
my mind used to zone out i called it trancing when removing myself from bad situations corrupt people.
when i sleep i dream intensely of places i haven't been
i am courageous enough to not care .. she called me aloof
i have never begged anyone for sex or love. never pushed it on someone or asked them to say i love you. those words should come naturally and sex should be natural not forced.
strangers prove it to me daily whenever I go out
i was more attractive when younger and am gaining that appeal back bit by bit even tho living in fight or flight mode, survival mode
situation of his aggravation intensifies and increases the more aware i become and state my realizations. huge mistake to tell him anything i discover as truth, memories from the past, dreams i have
why did it happen? where did it come from?
I am as careful as can be when I do anything so I won't contract illnesses.
when I go out to the gyms they are sanitized all over. people use the antifungal disinfectant at these places constantly
the only place I can think of is at HOME where I contracted this awful sore throat, slight fever, coughing up yellow and dark phlegm.
which came from HIM. he has been sick coughing sneezing hacking for many weeks and he spreads his germs all over everywhere he goes. sneezing blasting into the room air, does not wash his hands often, picks and digs at his nose, leaves dirty napkins tissues paper towels laying about on counters or anywhere and reuses these dirty items. he touches everything indiscrimiately.
it is not normal to get sick in MAY when weather is warming up
So HE contracted some crap from somebody somewhere probably more than a month ago.
Last night I asked him who he has been around that was coughing sneezing and he did NOT respond to my question. All the people that have come over here are NOT sick so he must have acquired it from some STRANGER I have not seen. OR else it is from his sisters sherry and dorothy.
if they keep you at the same level or below they feel they have more control over you
if you escape the "system" of control you will leave like a hot air balloon floating all over and they might never see you again
fly away anywhere in a helicopter, balloon, airplane, jet, any airborne craft and when you leave you are free to wander about and probably will not return to the hellish situations
as well as toxic substances like fumes, dust particles, any airborne things that we are allergic to
liquids, gases, solids
ointments, creams, oils
and the ether, sometimes called God
Are poisonous substances the cause of such imbalance ?
age, gender education. financial status. location
and some humans can be exquisite geniuses
yet still have idiotic traits
20 something year old girls/women that never age
home cooked food, fast food from restaurants
instant immediate gratification in all areas, physical and mental
obedient slaves to all their desires and wishes
to be sexually desirable physically but as they get older they stop doing things
to be desirable with their persona yet don't really know how to be
think working alot and money/flashing their cash and material things can get them anything they want
complete and total freedom to do and live as they want which is mostly like pigs and animals in disorganized dirty messes and clutter all over the house, yard, anywhere
as they age most are looking pretty bad yet expect to have and get a young looking cheerleader type woman on their shoulder and in their bed
they forget their youth when they naturally attractive
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
stephen, my nephew
jimmy g, my son's best friend
both my sons
the man i am married to
john layson, chuck charles strand and his half brother stephen hosey
both my ex husbands
tony, william, darin, kirk
Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.
He hates my placidity and quietness.
No talking to me for 2 hours. I enjoy the peace, quiet and silence. Light bothers my eyes
Him: Noisy and wants to talk to me while I am still asleep in the brain.
He likes activity and disruptions especially early in the day and usually
takes off before 10 am or starts in on physical activities like yard work.
He turns on the news cell phone tv first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
He likes stories esp news, fantasy sci fi strange fake stuff. He must have constant outside media noise.
He absorbs all the the garbage lies, trash and stupid short videos of dumb things. I do not find it
amusing to watch someone do stupid dangerous stunts and get hurt. He likes that kind of crap.
He can't differentiate between truth and fiction.
He believes his opinions are facts and everyone else should believe the
same way otherwise they are stupid and all wrong
He cannot accept differences in anything including people animals objects material things
He thinks in black and white terms.
He must have constant outside noises videos input from other things while driving, working
while eating and conversations. He can't focus on the conversation/talk at any time.
He plays music, watches tv, internet short to long videos and will play this stuff around me and
others not realizing some people do not like it and he does not care if anyone else likes it or not.
He is cult influenced. gullible. easily fooled persuaded.
He has no control over his food and drink. He can't stop himself from touching anything and everything.
Grabbing food, drinks anywhere as if it is his stuff. He has sticky fingers.
He lack of self control.
He buys bullshit sold by infomercials, scammers, cult leaders, political radicals
who just run their mouth and sell things to viewers to make lots of profits/money.
These people are out for the money and do not serve genuine causes.
He believes everyone is out to get your money, to get something.
He is a sucker.
He does not like window shopping because he can't stop looking and control himself and his urges
for immediate self gratification.
He thinks you have to buy something whenever you are in a store or any sales place like outdoor flea markets
and if you don't buy something they think you are stealing, are a thief.
He does not meditate or create writings from the self. He doesn't reflect accurately.
He will writes notes on what others have written and said from a select few videos and books.
all of the people we know, all neighbors and any family member of mine he knows all
contribute to and allow his verbal and physical abuse to me
i have told most of these people about his words and actions.
no one will do anything or listen to me because he has them convinced he is such a nice guy...the one who is always there for them to help them and fix their stuff
he always feels bad for someone who lost every material thing they had like layson and any stories he hears on the news about devastaton and weather disasters. he feels sorry for homeless people and ricky in his poor devastated state of a huge mess filth and living with a bunch of animals.
he will often say he feels so bad of these people usually total strangers in the world and never tells me he feels bad for the things he says and does to me
on the contrary, i feel bad when i see someone hurt or am aware a person is going thru abuse at home or anywhere. i cry for their pain. i wish i could stop it.
this is why I should always be covered up in my body and use caution with any word coming out of my mouth
comments made by MIKE: "what are you wearing? see thru clothes.. what do you want to do have sex with that person? (said about my eldest son who was coming over that day it was boiling hot outside and the thought never crossed my mind about doing that with my own son. I was simply hot and wanted to wear cool loose clothing. ...
" your tits are showing through your shirt, i see the tops of your breasts, i see your ass when you bend over wearing those shorts, that skirt, dress, anything." even when he sees my legs he cannot stop himself from reaching out and touching my skin to see if my legs feel soft and smoothe.
when you are wearing that long shirt make sure you wear long shorts to cover your rear end because someone anyone neighbors could see your ass butt. oh he (the neighbors like chris and ken) would love to get his hands on that if he sees your body.
accuses me of having affair/relationship with any male i have met then he meets them screens them out befriends them keeps good contact with them to make sure i have nothing to do with them. thinks if i talk to someone it means i want to have sex with them. includes all people we know and have known.
"he is a sucker" comment made when damon was little and still using bottle and breastfeeding, comment from MIKE
"here, take him. he is hungry. what do you want me to give him to suck on, my dick?" made by ED
licked licks his lips when darin was talking about being in the phillipines with young girls all around him when he goes there to visit his very young wife in her 20s
the first words he says about everything are negative and assumes 80 percent of the people will do something bad like stealing when the opportunity arises. he sees dark side of life in all areas.
focuses on war, money, destruction, crime, corruption,
gets irritated aggravated over all things.
if he hears the word sex when we are around anyone he gets very angry. once we were with the neighbor sharon she was driving i was in the front seat he was in back. she started talking about the sounds men make when they are having sex and imitating them and he got a mad mean twisted face then later accused me of bringing up the subject of sex. i said she was the one who started talking about it, not me. he insisted it was me when it was her.
yet they get off on porn at home in private and expect me to keep covered up .. what do they do when they are in public and see the other women wearing super tight, flimsy, see thru clothing. lots of females show off their boobs and butt and some wear lingerie...fishnet stockings with garter belt short tight skirt and crop top like the woman i saw at the zoo on april 30, 2026. i have seen women dressed like this in various places like gas stations and stores like walmart. what do these guys do when they see the girls dressed like this?
they view her as a threat
they are immature and want a young naive immature girl to dog around . a puppet doll android who does their bidding believes their lies and thinks that he is god
any woman who sees thru his shit, intuitively senses his evil is his enemy
i dont know how many personalities he has. i only see the ones he shows me when it is only us and how he acts around others in front of me
what he does when i am not around i dont know
i suspect charles manson type behavior. maybe even ted bundy
experts could figure him out. shrinks, doctors. graphologists. detectives.
he coughs hacks spit and phlegm sneezes a lot.
has high blood pressure. upper shoulder back pain. hearing loss. skin issues sores on mouth. white hard pimple things on penis scrotum area. gets hot easily. needs eye exam for glasses.
i told him he needs to go to doctors. told him to go to church somewhere..
will do no good to file police report so i didnt call 911 or say or do anything
all that would happen is him posting bond for himself if he sat in jail all he would do is get madder and madder plotting revenge to kill me
silence after we got home around 5 pm
i proceeded to wash dishes clean up kitchen mess got some trash together then left after 7 pm got back around 930 pm went to ward parkway
he had went to his bedroom right after we got home. may have been napping so i left
someone prayed for me. i said money wont help i need the power of god
the only way it will stop is if he dies and i cant kill him
with wisdom I have gained
what will I do?
Never give myself away for free especially to pigs who trample my pearls under their pig feet
i learned in my teens and twenties
keeping s regular schedule is death to creation and freedom
people watch what you do. predict.
interfere block accomplishments when i have predictable known routines patterns places
run around to different places . talk to many and learn.
keep them all separate
dress up differently
batteries electricity shelter people backing each other up
transportation
food and water storage
for understanding. attention. smart people
peace. solitude to focus
ability to achieve goals.
order accomplishments. recognition. appreciation. love
hugging. hugs. tenderness closeness.
stretching moving freely pushing dancing splits
leg pushes arm lifts raising myself up pull ups
hanging from hands legs twirls around bar
climbing poles ladders anything
back bends
standing on head
rolls
swimming
handstands
gymnastics
squats
sex
and most people run away from me
i scare people away with up front awareness
i talk too much
it is a self defense mechanism
all credibility. ME.
no trust. no love. no compassion.
all the money and material things are worthless
my mistake for allowing it the second time and all times after that
my fault for forgiving over and over. my fault for being understanding making excuses for him
my ignorance in not recognizing in the beginning and not knowing things in life i did wrong. number one never chase a man never fall in love and let him know it . he thinks you will do anything for him never leave and he can do beastly things to you for years and get by with it scot free
never think sex equals love. it is only raw animal like physical performance has nothing to do with love.
he can screw your brains out while he hates your guts disrespects you stomps you into the ground.
he just wants to satisfy his penis somewhere anywhere anyone anything will do
and he says it is good exercise never says i love you during or after
wardrobe mostly dark colors. black. red. forest green. navy. purple.
nail polish dark red black dark brown
need to wear pastels beige pink light blue green lavender pale yellow orange
white gray grey
read that pastels are cute. dark is sexy.
no makeup or minimal is cute
more makeup sexy
lucky me with little bitty titties like an adolescent girl. skinny waist little round butt nice looking legs with muscles and form
oval almost round face
guys hate it when i wear guy shoes . they like strappy sandals, boots. high heels. athletic shoes that look like booties, corset tops. ruffled blouses. lace. tight pants and they die when i wear dresses the typical a line or square neck or v neck styles. t shirt dresses above or below the knee. elbow length or wrist length shirt.
the men love to see my female waist. clothes that show it. belts .
tucked it blouses into skirts shorts jeans slacks
tailored jackets around waist. fitted dresses showing womanly figure.
the guys dont like wild print patterns baggy clothes lopped off very short hair like a boys crewcut
so i will add to my wardrobe missing colors of light pink and blue and purple including shoes in those colors. most of my shoes are black a few are white.
guys love delicate fragile minimal jewelry on a woman or girl. huge flashy gaudy is a no no out.
clothes and shies that fit properly and are right colors and for the occasion are mandatory.
old fashioned stereo system speakers cds dvds
canopy bed mobile easy to move
stand up mobile desk
nice nightstands
these practical things make me happier
friendly companions associates
am not that self conscious or paranoid negative skeptical
i am not anti social hateful prejudiced black and white thinker
not negative not focused on dark side corrupt criminals
i am not scrooge stingy selfush mean miserly
i have faith hope ideas dreams joy
i see solutions actively pursue answers
i see possibilities good benefits rainbows sunshine
like me. i like to meet people and introduce them
he does not
this time at 9:37 am
said was going to bank somewhere else then
to independence mo to see if he can find roy simms at home because he did not call him back or text back
rk312x ZED BTCX be:82:7b:12:70:f6 4-29-26 on network again
4-29-2026
on network again
hubv3-03011502536 28:6d:97:c2:eb:8d
Every one of his family members I met runs their partner into the ground with constant criticism and threats. So I cannot take it personally because it is a learned common family pattern of behavior they all do to the one they are closest to and live with.
Nitpicking, intense criticism, threats, fighting
it is as if they think they are perfect all the time and they dump all of their rotten stuff onto their mate
mother, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins
Lori, Tammy, Debbie, karen, john, gerald/jerry, him, dorothy ann, sharon/sherry, the cousins in ottawa and other cities in kansas, david,
today up at 9 am tired at 4 pm
yesterday up at 730 am left house gone til 8 ? pm didnt get tired.
is it weather?
today rain after 3 pm
yesterday clear sunny
is it stress in home? is it toxins in house. not enough fresh air?
when i am away i rarely want to nap
he is a sucker for a pretty face and body and
he is a sucker for infomercials and scams
he sees something someone else has then buys it or gets it for free and does it
he is a sucker for people who appear to be down and out and desperate
he is a control freak and has no control of himself
thinks he can control all people, animals and things with
force physical push manipulation tactics threats punishment
insults criticism focuses on what he thinks my weaknesses,
my mistakes, flaws and faults are
he is stuck at the age 2 or 3 and
thinks he runs the world
in his fantasy world mind he screws any girl he wants,
believes in aliens ufos extraterrestrials, loves politic,
republicans they represent money power and control and black and white thinking
he is impulsive and unpredicatable
he focuses on the weather constantly and will plan his activites
according to the forecast and i will not know what he is going to do
until the last minute or after the fact
he lives in a fantasy world of reincarnation, psychics, mediums, edgar cayce
thinks he looks young and handsome and perfect in reality
his diet loaded with sugar and salt and junk has aged him
and he has a pot belly and sagging face and a mean looking
scowl on his face most of the time
he does all he can to destroy my beauty because that is
my biggest asset of attraction to all people and
i am the hugest threat of all to him.
i could ruin him for the rest of his life and
take everything he has and have him locked up in the psyche ward for the rest of his life
he believes pretty girls get all the perks. any beautiful woman anywhere
the better she looks the more she gets
he resents that fact and does all he can to try to
destroy my beauty, naturalness and happiness
his sister karen was beautiful before she went on meds for
her same paranoid schizo disorder then she gained about 100 pounds or so got fat and ugly and died
in hospital hooked up to all kinds of equipment to keep her alive
he has a penchant and obsession with staring at pretty girls anywhere in person or in
magazines books videos and hides this action from the public
my beauty, love of peace, harmony, order, cleanliness,
calmness, easy going personality..i want to introduce people and
love to see them get along
are reasons he hates my guts views me as a threat to his test of
masculinity and maturity
since he is immature little boy he is not and has not ever been
protective of me and does not want me to dress to look good and
show off my body because then he might have to defend and protect me
from other wolf men which he has never done and will not do
any bad thing that has happened to me he blames me for
incuding me being sexually harassed over the years and any rapes I have endured.
he even said to me "i thought you liked to be raped"
strategic planning, proactive actions, calculated risks
billy mumy played the part of the spoiled brat who controlled the house
when he got mad at someone for not complying with his wishes he got rid of them
he was an immature childish rotten child full of hate
that is exactly what he is
forcing others to watch what he wants on tv, to eat the shit he likes and agree with everything he says and does and say it is good
That is what we are all about
Concealing our nasty natural nature to the public.
Status. Wanting to look good.
Displaying our most evil parts at home.
I think we are born without a conscience. Without remorse.
I was programmed like many to feel wrong for lots of things . I was taught to feel guilty bad responsible. Like "don't lie cheat, steal, destroy, covet, lust , be proud, get angry, break things, take more than what I need, hoard, leave a mess, be tired and lazy slothful, arrogant, cocky, bully and tease and mock others" yet I have done all those things and so has everyone else
The natural animal state is to be all these "bad" things. Corruption is in all and everywhere.
Committing murder is the only thing I haven't done yet I wanted to. The idea of jail and incarceration stopped me.
Shame blame feeling responsible for things I am not the cause of is stupid.
What good is it to feel bad ? What good is empathy or sympathy? Why should I feel bad for someone who did not stand up for themselves?
I should never feel bad or apologize for anything i thought said or did.
If i recognize I made a mistake, an error just correct myself don't do it again and go on about my life.
People dont forget anything I or you did wrong. They do not forgive.
They hold it against me all my life.
Forgiving someone once is ok and fine but when they deliberately keep hurting me or anyone else that is when forgiveness ends.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
That is the message from him. Whatever bad happened to me was my own fault. He takes no responsibility and never protects me in any situation. If I were ever attacked. ever raped and killed he would blame me
He treats me like his mother. Like I am to prepare his food, clean up his messes, wash his clothes, clean house, run errands, pay bills, due all things as if they are a duty to him and do all of his bidding and put up with all of his random messes all over the house and the yard AND endure his temper tantrums fits when he does not get his way.
He called her stupid and calls me stupid bitch Always assumes I do not know what I am doing. Has no faith no confidence in almost anything I do
In his eyes am NOT the lovely girl woman that I am to others. OTHER people quickly see my beauty and that I am fit in my body even though I have a severe curve in my back. They do not notice until I point it out and show it to them. He concentrates on how bad my back looks and constantly tells me that I am a nasty and mean person when in fact he is the big bastard to me daily.
He hates my guts. Despises me.
He has threatened to get rid of me and find another woman for many years.
He criticizes me to death.
However these days he is saying no woman wants an old man his age 65. He pretends like he has given up searching for another but i do not believe him. I dont trust him as far as king kong could throw him.
I am like a hideous beast he has to fight with every single day the way he fought his mom and his sister karen while growing up. The entire family fought with and controlled/controls each other.
There is no joy, no fun, no laughter in our marriage relationship
It is all about business, sternness, discipline, control battles where he thinks he is always right and I am wrong
He lusts after lots of pretty girls and beautiful women all over the world but he does not lust after me until the last second after he gets sick of jacking off to pictures and videos and will say "it's not the same"
He points out flaws and mistakes with each and every thing I say and do and the way I look, the way I dress, act and talk and what I like and talk about. He has zero respect for me in any area.
He thinks he has to make all of the decisions in each area of his life and mine without my input EVER.
Tells me to shut the fuck up and fuck off like he did again last night after I offered to talk to his sister about the old washing machine he wants to give her so she doesnt have to buy a new one. He does not want me to talk to her. Says I will fuck it up like I do everything else.
He says I dont care what you want frequently. When I say the same things to him he says to me he gets pissed.
I am still the biggest piece of shit in his life. Doormat Daisy Duke Dummy.
Dumping ground for all his hatred and hostility.
He talks normally and sweet to everyone but me. Yells raises his voice constantly and i ask him to lower his voice. He wont do it.
He listens to political garbage people fighting and acts like they do to me.
I want no part of that trash.
Solution: feed him sugar syrup fast food donuts cookies alcohol cake pie candy soda fast food. That is what he wants just like so many others I have known. ...Layson, harlow jundy. chris rixner, ... mike wall, tom wright, larry wilson. ed m.
These guys were are news focused. political. music movie obsessed. Cars trucks sports guns stupid videos any kind of obsession.
Their brains are everywhere but on their own wife and life.
They end up staying home making messes out of all things blasting loud shit thtu huge speakers faces in the tv headphones on blocking out reality of daily life. No fun. No play.
dirty housekeepers.
. fat bellied old men who likely couldnt get it up in the end of their lives. Several of them i know couldnt due to them or their wife telling me or medical records.
What is the connection of old men eating and drinking trash getting fat guts using porn running after teens and little girls treating their wives like dirt???
Fat gut is the sign their mind is gone to the birds trash bin
Many years ago like in 1988 89 Pete Svejda came in the gas station I was working at. Bea his accountant bookkeeper was with him. He talked to her like trash then turned to me in dr jekyll voice saying sweetie . She was thr one doing all the work holding his heating and air conditioning business together while he screwed teenage girls in the back room of his business. My father told me what Pete and his comrades did. Pete another old fat gut disgusting male . So was another of my dads associates Joe Sprofera. Fat gut bald ugly married nasty he tried to get me to go to a motel with him. I was 16.
and a nutritionist, a medical doctor, government employees like fire fighters, policemen
basically, any help from professionals that I can get
He has so many disorders and anger and personalities I cannot help him
namely
schizophrenia, paranoia, npd narcisstic personality disorder, explosive anger tantrums fits, hoarding disorder, fear of missing out, control issues over all things, micromanaging
possible causes besides upbringing: chemical imbalances, exposure to toxic substances inhaled, eaten, ingested, drank, fixed behavior learned since infancy
On April 21, 2026 it started in the morning at home. It is usually at home when we are alone and also happens when we are out somewhere alone together.
thanks to an old cell phone I use as a camera most of the audio is recorded.
It lasted about 4 long hours earlier in the day then continued on after I got back home around 8:30 ish so most of it is voice recordings
like the homeless woman i met at QuikTrip
all she had was clothes on her back a pair of shoes a small backpack and a cell phone.
she said she fell asleep on one of the many buses she rides daily and when she woke up someone stole her phone. the only form of communication she had
how terrible
a balance must be made so i am not selfish or self sacrificing
if i sacrifice all if myself to self serving people i am no longer myself and a happy sane balanced person
i used to give all to make someone else happy only to discover i cannot make them happy. they suck all my energy, drain me, want more and demand more. never happy. the more i give the more they expect
and when i give too much i am not respected, not appreciated.
when i give in to something i do not want i am considered a weak stupid fool.. a naive idiot
so i have learned to set boundaries and some selfish people dont like it
too bad. wish i would have known a long time ago i am not a doormat
it is up to me to take care of myself first. clean up my messes and others should do the same.
masters and slaves are out of the question. both are miserable creatures
females become bitches because of bastards and other bitches
bastards become that way due to dealing with other bastards and bitches
a child is not born a bastard or a bitch
they are created by their experiences
pavlov training
nice little girls turn mean due to treatment
boys become bad for the same reason
⁶
hospitals, schools, gyms, businesses like walmart and professional grocery stores
offices and intelligent people.
They accumulate any and everything packing things away hiding them.
It gets to the point they cannot clean up after themselves.
They do not acknowledge that they are the problem, the one touching everything with their dirty hands spreading germs and diseases. Licking their fingers and touching things. Not paying attention to their hands or things they move around.
They eat while doing anything such as while walking moving around and even while working.
They do not admit they are the one leaving dirty messes behind for other people like me to clean up.
They expect me to do their laundry, dishes, clean up the floor after they track shit all over the place and leave crap and things all over the patio, the yard and any area they have been to.
As they get older they can't concentrate much on one thing at a time and try to multitask
they do not pay attention to me or any one person, the conversation at hand.
Their mind wanders constantly. Distracted easily. They pile up things and make a disaster out of any area they work in or do anything in.
Their beds are dirty nasty full of bugs and they do not see the point in changing their sheets linens washing their clothes and bedding or any thing they have.
The dust and dirt piles up in all places of the house and any place they work at.
Countertops are rarely wiped off anywhere including bathrooms and kitchens. They freak out when the floor is cleaned properly by thorough sweeping vacumming and mopping and polishing.
They do not mind filth dirt mud rocks or any item laying around on the floor. They wear shoes almost all the time and have stinking feet and socks and shoes and boots. They wear shoes because they don't want to hurt their tender feet. If they would walk barefoot as soon as they enter the house they could feel the filth and dirt and sticky junk all over the floor.
If they would focus on their immediate environment instead of on the tv, the internet, the cell phone, the videos, the news, the radio, some crap playing thru their earphones, ear buds, headphones they would see and realize the true nasty mess of a bug and animal haven they live in.
They love to have huge pieces of electronic equipment like stereos, televisions, speakers, radios, amplifiers, reel to reel players and are easily mesmerized by the audio and videos pictures of things that are somewhere else. They ignore the person they live with and shut them out by blasting junk thru these devices.
They do not like to clean. They do not know how to do deep cleaning. Don't care about bugs, spiders, cobwebs, mice, rats, snakes coming into the house. They say it is no big deal, it is part of life living with creatures crawling all over the house and in the walls.
They are afraid of seeing a drop of water anywhere and scream and yell if they see it.
The place starts stinking and they can't figure out where the smell is coming from. The person I live with did this many times and once he took furniture polish that smells like lemon and sprayed it on my kitchen counter where I do food prep.
they put wrong liquids into inappropriate wrong containers and usually do not label the can or bottle with what is inside of it. This is a dangerous and stupid thing to do.
Instead of getting to the core, the root cause of the mold, mildew, stink they do temporary patches and buy products like "toilet bowl cleaner" or any chemical that makes it sound easy to quickly cover up the issue.
They blame other people for their problems like losing things and their impulsive and angry temper tantrums they throw every single day. They refuse to take responsibility for their own creation of disastrous messes they make.
They like to keep old boxes and containers items came in instead of tossing them immediately.
One i know even keeps a used condom of all things as if he will use it again. He also finds outdated condoms at the park and brings them home. Why? It is no good.
they love to keep expired items in the refrigerator the bathroom medicine cabinet, the food pantry basically any place. expired paint, auto chemicals, pharmaceutical drugs, ointments, creams, lotions, shampoo. toothpaste mouthwash. cleaning products.
the one i live with puts old silicone ointment cream on his legs this ointment was acquired over 20 years ago from super flea and it was expired at the time he got it.
they are scared to death to throw away anything thinking they will need to use it someday.
they treat me and people like trash and treat all the material things and money like the most precious things of all.
they do not listen to me or anyone or any business, government professionals about tossing old expired things, being sanitary, sneezing into the elbow instead of spraying into the room or any other technique to stay clean and healthy.
they are not health conscious.
they love to eat fast food anything that requires no prep.
they do not wash off fruits and vegetables before eating them.
they grab any piece of food laying anywhere and will eat it if they think it is edible
they do not believe in washing old clothes bought at the thrift store, garage sale or anywhere. they think if the item smells good it does not need to be washed. they have no idea where it came from and do not care. i have warned them it could have bug eggs in it like lice, fleas or any disease bacteria you cannot see or smell.
they pick their nose when they think no one is looking. they stick their hands down their pants and play with themselves also. they do not wash their hands after using the bathroom restroom and picking their nose and playing with their private parts.
since they eat lots of sweets and garbage and drink sugary things they have a lot of stinking body odor which they cannot get rid of even after taking a shower. no deodorant can get rid of the pit odor.
they pet animals and feed them with their fingers letting the animals touch their hands and do not wash their hands. this transfers germs and bugs and worms into the person even though you can't see the worm eggs and parasites.
they are full of parasites in their bodies and will not do anything to clean their insides out.
they have digestive issues like heartburn etcetera and do not know why and do not care to know so they will use a quick fix like tums or rolaids pepto bismol or any type of antacid or soda pop mixture to quickly alleviate the issue
their guts are a total mess
they eat junk food and suck down sweet drinks throughout the day and do not sit down and patiently eat a real meal and concentrate on the food and conversation. they get up often running thru the house or area outside or anywhere.
they love to eat lots of cookies, pies, pastries, doughnuts, candy
they will pass out old expired candy to children kids on halloween saying the food is still good
they hate to use very much soap claiming it is bad
they do not believe in using real hot water to wash the dishes and hate to use the dishwasher falsely believing it uses too much electricity and water
they will scrimp on water and electricity usage and spend tremendous amounts of money on things like home yard products, tools, automobile anything, unnecessary expensive food and drink items and will even drive long distances to get some weird fast food they are craving like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, taco bell, mexican, churchs or kfc chicken,
they hate accounting and keeping proper accurate records of their spending. they prefer to use cash as much as possible because it is fast and easy and not trackable. they buy things in secret when they are alone and hide their activities from they spouse, partner, wife or husband then they scream and yell at their wife for buying a thing she needs and wants that is good and practical
they spend lots of money on themselves and rarely buy expensive items for their wife or girlfriend. they tell her she does not need it whenever she expresses needing something like new clothes or a decent appliance that is new and more energy efficient.
they would rather keep old inefficient junk using it until it works no more instead of investing in a newer and better model of anything
It is my responsibility to clean up after myself and not after anyone over the age of 7.
I am responsible for my own area only.
I refuse to clean up messes of any kind made by any person who is supposed to be a mature adult.
Simple men
dont like govt and technology computers accounting planning ahead.. like animals.
don't like lengthy in depth discussions about anything
short sweet to the point
wait til last minute to empty the trash
hate daily cleaning maintenance
wait until something gets bad, a huge problem before they do anything about it
do not know how to nip things in the bud
gravitate are drawn to filthy nasty disgusting things like news, media trash,
food, clothes, work projects that get you dirty,
porn or searching for women anywhere and everywhere
just to look at lust after in mags videos and/or pick them up use them for sex and discard them once they get off
pile things up in wrong places and various areas
lack organizational skills
lack ergonomics. setting things up for ease of use
hate making lists or listening to them
can't see connections between everything
think things are only for the moment and can't see
consequences or their words and actions
hard time making things simple so things end up complicated
do things for the moment right when they think of it
wait til problem is huge before taking action
cant see patterns
hard time predicting things in advance
lack preparation in some areas
seek variety in sexual conquests
get bored easily with the woman they have
will talk on phone to the one woman wife or girlfriend saying i love you while at
the same time trying to get the woman present in the room
lie consistently
hide money, things, any item they are afraid someone might see that
could embarass them
cannot be trusted when alone or not around their wife or girlfriend
scope out areas anywhere for conquests
My natural self
beautiful pretty cute playful easygoing accepting balanced
see all sides colors vibrations flexible
organized fun loving
practical island open friendly
beach lover party parties get togethers
socializing loving kind helpful
empathic understanding free freedom loving unique
all of my qualities he hates and steals from me by deliberately saying and doing things to hurt me with no regard to my feelings yet expects me to be sensitive to all of his feelings and needs
he is at neighbors houses frequently and especially without telling me all his contacts with them
he does not want me at any of the neighbors houses becomes angry pissed and inquisitive if i ever visit any neighbor
yet he goes over to any of their houses constantly anytime he wants to go and expects me to stay out of it
he used to get jealous pissed when i was visiting debra phillips later debbie wall back in the late 90s. her and i would just visit sit and talk.
best for me to keep neighbors at arms length because he is tight with all of them and any of these people would tell him anything i say or do as he has them convinced he is such a useful and nice guy
this goes back over 34 years of his bonding with people in the neighborhood
tim lois nolan, irene and don rogers and family, mike michael wall and debra phillips wall, steve sharon duggan, chris rixner and wendy and anyone else he had over there, mark pollock down the street, ellen next door who stays in chris house he died 3 years ago, traci corsaut, barbara and darrell chism, ken and nancy matteson, peter webber on meadow lane, alex and mary lovely across street on kings hwy used to be rogers house
he sneaks around and texts chats talks to them in person sometimes telling me later he conversed with them
i should not say much more than hello to any of them due to him controlling the entire neighborhood
none of these people are beneficial to me anyway. they do not need to know any of my business or anything about me
he takes over every relationship i have with anyone he meets including my own family sons and seems to convince them he is such the intelligent smart capable nice guy and that i am the bitch the one causing problems all the time
every single friend and relative that he met... chuck strand, john layson, tony gomez, darin wise, jr huell bracher, kirk hupp,
he wants to know any person i know and get to know them to pry information out of them
stupid ball of stupidity. snowball effect. tip of iceberg reveals it all
warped thinking
have idea then look for proof
lacks scientific method
comes to conclusions based upon feelings with lack of evidence
is the problem and blames me for all of his problems
then I can concentrate freely. think. invent. write. be joyful happy flexible appreciated admired enjoy life more often
why? tired? sugar salt junk food age aging body and brain?
hands shake. c r s cant remember things sometimes
runs from one room to the other with no notice as if he has to do something as soon as he thinks of it
is it from dirt chemicals cell damage dehydration
too much going on ?
a disease? or more than one disease or affliction
is it psychology of childhood trauma starvation guilty conscience
is it fear of missing out, of being found out?
is it desire for perfection?
is it a combination of many things?
he has short sleep cycles. snores terribly doesn't know it
says stuff he does not remember and does not want to have repeated back what he says or does
is it lack of plasticity of brain hardening of cells blockage causing constant confusion of his senses?
multiple times daily he says i said or did things i did not do and thinks other people think say and do things they probably do not do
he talks to himself when he thinks i cant hear him
he says thing to himself opposite of what he says to me sometimes
he calls other people bad names but not to their face because he does not want them to think bad of him
jumpy, not in depth, short sentences about work, money, material things, activities, events, cars, trucks, automobile
go from one subject to the other quickly
on my good looks, brains, intelligence, ability, my face, hair, fit body, nice personality, talent, organizational skills, computer and cell phone savvy
i have no friends or family
for support
i am on my own
i told him to write it down and i will show it to him next time he gets angry pissed threatens me
that will probably be tomorrow and the next day
and the next
same pattern
ambivalence
wearing clothes. cooking food.
forcing themselves. going against nature
eating wrong , when not hungry. substituting food for another desire.
forcing sex
languages. words.
reading writing studying thinking building
the way it was when i had the job had to be there at 530 am
job began at 9 am i was tired 6 to 7 pm had gotten up at 730 am or so
today up at 1030 am tired 530 pm due to being awake until 430 am
AND expects me to tell him what i am going to do all the time
buying things all over the place
going places i do not know where he goes
sneaking around
hiding things in his file cabinet and cardboard boxes all over in the house and in sheds
strikingly similar to him in his looks, actions, attitude, habits, hobbies
he is a political and religious zealot
a hoarder, dirty about his environment, eats trashy junk food, has a bad temper,
cusses out people that buy and sell on the internet like ebay or any other
calls people stupid idiiots
uncontrollably attracted to my beauty
this guy was notorious for having affairs with women some married then moving and leaving town and saying it was a new fresh start but in reality everywhere he goes it is the same thing because of the way he is
the guy is crazy nuts schizo paranoid, a taker, a user, takes advantage of people anywhere he goes
poor at keeping records, hates accounting. points of flaws of others, highly critical
obsessed with one type of politics used to be republican switched to democrat democracy
actually is completely confused about which way to go. thinks he has to stay in one sector of a group and wont listen to and understand the various sides of things
cannot have an effective argument. one sided. black and white thinker
cant by joyful have fun everything is a battle
if no war exists he creates one
thinks his way. of thinking is the only way and hates anyone who disagrees with him having opposing beliefs
news is all day long first thing in morning last thing at night
thinks has to keep up with what is going on in outside world constantly
not meditative self reflective
shorts, lingerie, short dresses, anything showing rear or top of breasts, swimsuits,
a belt around my waist any item around the waist showing my shape
maid outfits, sexy hose with holes, corsets, shiny looking clothes like jackets, sequins
anything showing off my hourglass figure
so i need to be careful about what i wear, the way i dress around him
this tells me that the way any woman dresses affects him immediately
he made comments like this " what are you trying to do, attract him by wearing that see thru dress?" one day in the hot summer when my eldest son was coming over. i said no way you are being ridiculous i wouldnt do that. i am just hot and not trying to look sexy at all for anyone
