I was calling someone a lady once my son said "she is no lady, mom"
Wednesday, June 3, 2026
Turn offs to me by men
these don't impress me much
rough gruff rude loud boisterous dirty dishevelled pushy forceful
bragging mouthy
overly built muscles, ugly mean looking face
forward try to get me and dont even know my name
flashing money cars things thinking they impress females
does dirty work and doesn't clean up
puts filthy hands on everything
stupid disorganized
stinky body and clothes
rotten teeth
eats nasty fast food unhealthy choices
eats without thinking and eats too fast like an animal
sticks fingers in everything
Tuesday, June 2, 2026
Water and clean up. Soap.
my grandma sarah would say there is no excuse to be dirty pig
you have access to soap and water anywhere
use it
clean up
CONVERSATIONS OVERHEARD
Between Rick and Mike:
"Sometimes I get so horny after I haven't had sex in awhile I could fuck a farm animal", Rick said. "I know. Especially if it is sex with someone you know", said by Mike/Michael.
rick speaks openly about anything esp sex. revealing personal details of intimate relations with many women or any other sex activities in his life or his opinions.viewpoints.
====================================================
Ken/Kenny and Mike: watching some movie with sexy women in it
"she should understand that i get turned on by other women and if i had sex with her.." Mike said.
====================================================
Clayton and Mike:
"it gets worse as you get older" said by Mike
"you're the only man i know who is married and has a girlfreind", Mike said.
clayton speaks very openly about anything esp sex and has girlfriend(s) and is married.
=====================================================
public conversations overheard when they think no one is listening reveal secrets and the things people think about. strangers like me can sometimes hear what they are saying.
Monday, June 1, 2026
He tells me I look terrible expects sex may 30th
Oh it's my skinniness my skinny arms my saggy skin on my arms
It's called sarcopenia old age at 64 . Muscle loss. Inescapable.
I go to the gym work out my arms legs back whole body. But since may 9 when I got sick I have not been able to exercise like was using weights and equipment and have not swam.
120 lbs to 124. 5 feet 3 3/4 inches. Shrunk from 5'6 1/2".
I reminded him again I weighed 118 lbs when I moved in here. Oh he says but you were younger then you've changed.
He doesn't like my change or any changes of any kind.
So I told him he doesn't like the way I look. I don't look like a porn star or like I did. I never had big tits like he wants and I never will
So why would he want to have sex with me. Oh it's because we are married and that's what I am supposed to do. We've done it hundreds of times for almost 35 years. That's one of the reasons I chose him. Sex. But it was his personality that won me over. I could have great sex with lots of guys. Well his true personality came out around the time his mother mom left this house in the summer of 1992. Gradually it has turned into full blown Marjorie the bitch on wheels. And his sister Karen even worse. And his hideous dead brother John and crazy brothers Jerry Bill and Larry.
I said it's not that good anyway. He said would it be better with someone else. I said I don't know. I don't want anybody. I take care of myself and that is fine. I certainly don't want another childish immature male. All they do is cause me problems and make me miserable.
October is a good month to die
The 9th was a wedding date in 1981
The 4th is the mother in law's birthday 1944. Mother of my second husband I married on 10-9-81 in Miami Oklahoma.
Divorce was final from him on February 4, 1992. His birthday is Feb 4, 1961
The 15th was the due date of my pregnancies in 1998 and another in 1999. Both were aborted. First pregnancy was twins. Second was a single. He insisted on abortion both times and accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. He didn't want to have financial or physical responsibility of raising the children.
He reluctantly paid for abortions and insisted I get my tubes tied which I did in 2000. He has been screwing me since the summer of 1991. I moved into his house December 15, 1991.
My friend Harold Shaffer was born on October 9, 1917
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/110544334/harold_m-shaffer
It gets cold when October comes then is followed by months of very cold nasty weather. I hate it when October comes. I hate the cold, the snow, the ice and driving in it. I am stuck at home.
When we have snow due to living on a steep hill and neighborhood people get stuck on my street often, have wrecks and slide all over these streets here.
I get sick easily because the temperature drops. I freeze to death below 60 degrees.
October is a great time to be dead. No birthdays. Just death days
31st is Halloween hallows eve in remembrance of the dead.
It is before the holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas and new years eve and day which I never celebrate here with him or anyone. No one wants me around.
No family. No get togethers. No social gatherings. No life. Might as well be dead.
It's the gloomiest dreary time of year. Stuck at home with a man who hates my guts ruins every day especially holidays.
He hits punches me in the face jaw left side chin right before mother's day this year on May 7th. Never even mentioned mother's day.
He will get me a birthday card and put money in it but usually won't go anywhere. I go to restaurants by myself to eat my birthday coupon deals. If he goes he bitches about the cost and the food. Never plans anything. Never fun activities. Doesn't want to waste his money on experiences.
Same for Valentine's day. A card. Flowers this year he said he bought at price chopper a couple of miles from our house. I believe it was a last minute thought perhaps fueled by some guilt since he had bought himself a 15 thousand dollar car.
No dinner or any activity for Valentine's or the wedding anniversary February 21. 1998 was the year
February 24th he was on the phone or computer in his bedroom making a sex call to some woman which he flat out denies and doesn't know I have it recorded.
Sunday, May 31, 2026
Just like his family
The last of ten children.
All are/were :
Paranoid
Addicted to something
Trouble makers. Love to start a fight then blame the other person
Confused
Can't communicate properly especially with spouse wife husband girlfriend boyfriend mate partner co worker
Make themselves look victimized
Paranoid
Jealous
News addicts
Several were on psychiatric medications. Some in care facilities for psychotic behavior
Sociopath
Status image focused to public outside world
Vicious
Mean hateful
Accusatory
Don't want commitment or a true loving marriage relationship
Vindictive spiteful evil
Sneaky
Hoarders
Attached to money and material things
Condemn criticize attack anyone close to them
Judgmental highly critical of everyone
Threatening. Always threaten to get rid of partner
Suspicious
Afraid of police
Fearful
Egotistical
Narcissistic
Focused on their body and face appearance .
Notice any person skin affliction like scars acne or discoloration makeup
Hair is a top priority so are teeth
Lack reflection
Hate peace and joyful happy free people because they are jealous envious
Hobbies vary. Some are stupid fantasy driven time wasters
Impatient
Short fuse temper
Most are fast crazy drivers
Can't take direction
Can't accept differences of anything or anyone in their minds
Rigid fixed
Accumulate flying monkeys they visit periodically. Flying monkeys think they are nice guy girl and are no competition to them.
Detest any confident person accusing them of being a know it all
Some diagnosed with schizophrenia . Karen Larry Jerry. All are but evaded diagnosis
As I become more aware stronger
The fights battle gets worse with him
The controller narc fearful dictator sociopath sadist
Emotional turmoil destroys material and physical states
A robber thief of joy. A destroyer
No amount of money fame status or things will fix it
Thinking uses more energy than hard physical work labor.
More than any physical automatic habit habitual routine
Harder . Exhausts and exhilarates
Involves foreseeing benefits or disadvantages in the future by making changes and additions or subtractions
Forces one to get off their butt and out of the rut
Mother of creativity
Meets with resistance
New and different synapses formed. Energy.
Wednesday, May 27, 2026
Sunday, May 24, 2026
NEAT CLEAN ORDERLY Places
NEAT CLEAN ORDERLY
Military methods
Hospitals
Government
Schools
Funeral homes
Nursing homes, care facilities
Businesses like Walmart.
Professional offices
Restaurants
Uniform, dressed in uniforms
Clean
Sanitary Hygienic
Methodical
Ergonomic
Sensible
Proactive
Polite
Focused
Lots of room between things
Large aisles
Roomy, plenty and lots of room to move, shop, find things
Sensible
Organized
Categorized
Items in place in designated areas
ZERO clutter
Ventilation is excellent.
Plenty of fresh air movement
Efficient
Temperature controlled
Well managed
==================================================================
DIRECT OPPOSITE of slothful, being a slob or a sloth, lazy, laziness, dirty, filthy, nasty, messy, smelly, stinky, cluttered, disorganized, disarray, scattered, mismatched, rude, uncouth, dissheveled, pig like, disorderly, slack slacking, misspelled, mis pronounced, bad grammar, inefficient, crooked
Saturday, May 23, 2026
I have never seen her do any work. She just looks cute
the girl. she is my son's girlfriend. kayla.
kayla is single and said she doesnt want to get married
she has 2 boy children by two different men like i do did.
he is married to my daughter in law.
kayla just looks cute and sits there. she plays pool sometimes. sits at the dining room table eating or doing crafts.
cooking? cleaning? working? a job? appearing educated with a career? no to all of these
what are her talents. sex. squirting on video. what is his strong attraction to her? why is he?
makes me wonder why i have wasted my time and life working, cooking. shopping. catering. cleaning. babysitting. studying. reading. wanting to go back to school college to get a better degree
when all i really have to do is be cute little and fun. and sexy innocent acting.
and i could have relationships or sex a ships with many men and never have to live with them or marry them
then i would be treated like a queen
the one they cannot own or rule
they cant possess dominate control abuse torture humiliate ridicule
these guys would enjoy my companionship and give me time attention things and money and i am free of all of their bull shit jerk ways
if they screw up i disappear forever. it is that simple.
no fights. no divorce. no dividing assets.
just take off and go on to the next guy who acts loving and responsible.
the minute he slips i disappear.
they would have no legal hold on me.
no rights. no entitlement.
as it is marriage means he thinks he is entitled to whatever he wants me to do.
Tons of free movies to watch
found on Tubi the other day. pluto tv and lots of other apps have loads of free movies and shows.
want to watch but i know i will not watch them all
never will because new movies are always coming out
if i lived to be 500 i could not see all broadcast shows. and most crap i dont want to see or experience anyway
i have a life to live. whats left of it. could be 5 or 10 years. dont know how much longer i will live.
i am going to guess at 75 i will be dead.
seems to be a common age to die around here.
might happen alot sooner if i cant see to get around. my eyes are doing funny things.
Stir ice cream with a spoon. Add milk make a shake.
started doing stirring to make it creamy like soft serve when i was a little girl
6 Eggs in a pot
when i was a little girl i had a little aluminum pot that held six eggs perfectly. i was so astounded and happy i told all my friends. they weren't excited as i was.
i would boil the eggs until they were done. hard boiled eggs.
little did i know about 55 years later i would be doing the same thing in a different pot. soft boiled is my favorite. hard to do so they usually end up with nice yellow cooked centers never green.
and do a lot of frying over easy or basted in bacon grease and lots of scrambling. too . pan preferred but use microwave often for oe or scrambled eggs
anything but raw eggs.
poached are very nice but hard to do in poacher pan over boiling water. dont have that type of pot anymore
People should live alone. Once adulthood happens get your own place
Most violence and other criminal activities happen right at home.
People get on each others nerves. They have constant control battles.
No one wins. There is very little peace and hardly any love.
They are too familiar. They see each other too much.
Eventually they hate each others guts. Some leave for good.
Some commit murder.
Everything about someone becomes too much. Our habits , patterns. preferences, hobbies. friends. family. neighbors. jobs are all up for causing fighting and squabbling. Injuries in all ways. Physical, emotional. spiritual damage just from being around each other too much
Same goes for work, jobs. careers
Familiarity breeds contempt. And death Death in many ways due to feeling trapped in a box with hungry rats and snakes. Vicious lions ready to attack at any moment.
That is why I left my grandparents home when I was 16. To escape hell and damnation. Daily fighting yelling screaming name calling prejudice bitterness hate contempt cruelty sarcasm threats.
And I discovered that everywhere I lived it was the same old shit. Everywhere around anyone I know it is the same old crap.
Each job consists of the same control battles. the same gossip and slandering. The watchful eyes everywhere ready to cremate anyone for anything.
There is no peace on this planet in the presence of another human being ot their awareness of your existence. As long as they know you are alive they are on a mission to destroy you.
Some are out to cut your throat as look at you. And if they thought no one was looking, if they thought they wouldn't get caught they would slit my throat in a heartbeat and not blink an eye. No remorse for murder.
Good riddance of bad rubbish they would think. Then smirk and laugh at what they had done.
Friday, May 22, 2026
64. Hated by my husband and family and anyone we both know.
i suppose they hate me because i talk about him and tell the truth about what he says and does. they dont believe it because he is so nice and level headed when he talks to them.
people are sick of hearing me talk. they likely think i am a crazy piece of good for nothing shit. they think he is this wonderful intelligent smart hard working guy and i am a spoiled stupid ungrateful bitch and i deserve to have the shit beat out of me
no one gives a damn about me or what happens here. there is no savior, no hero. no rescue. no solution
i look bad to others because i am here. most have said why didn't or don't you leave? they think it is that easy. it takes a lot of money to pay rent or mortgage and bills and buy food gasoline insurance clothes and anything else. and their other stupid suggestion question dont you have family you can live with? is out of the question. been there. done that. living with any other person is hell regardless of who it is. so is finding another man to marry. been there done that 3 times. too. and have lived with many others.
Been sick since May 9, 2026. Still coughing. It's May 22nd
sore throat sneezing nose blowing hacking up yellow and green and brown phlegm
went to target this evening. gone about 2 1/2 hours. bought plastic utensil set for 20 dollars. tried on 2 cute pink dresses different sizes. neither fit right at all. bust area way too big for me. could have held a d size cup and i am barely a b.
saw myself front and back in 2 mirrors in dressing room. i could see just how horrible i look. not fat but have severely twisted back with huge hump on left side. the skin is darker over the hump bump. my butt is not firm and shapely. not toned. flabby ass and thighs on legs. tiny tits.
ugly face and short hair. looks terrible.
depressing looking at myself. depressing when clothes shopping. i look bad in most outfits clothes dresses shirts.
there arent many styles i can wear. not like it used to be
i need to avoid tight tops, clingy clothes on my upper body. i always had small boobs and should wear puffy tops with gathering that are loose around bust area. cleavage is almost nil. the only flattering curves are on my butt if i can find a pair of pants that fit right around my small waist.
as long as my cellulite flab on my thighs is there i ought to avoid short shorts or little dresses.
Thursday, May 14, 2026
Alone
I am alone in the woods. I belong solitary like the Neil Diamond song.
Alone together. that is what this marriage on paper is.
Kind people have quick understanding and patience.
they are wanting to help. no strings attached
they are not pushy, not all about the money, not constantly thinking about something else during a conversation, not looking at the clock acting like I am wasting their time
their eyes give away their sincerity
Strangers
kind ones I meet once in awhile instantly understand what i say and feel
they do not live with me, know no one I know and whatever I say will
never go back to anyone I know, live with, have lived with or any family member or neighbor
the safest places are being alone and when i run across genuinely nice, kind, understanding people
Buddhism Buddah quotes I discovered
are where I am in today. agree with truths stated.
it took me this long on my journey in life to be aware of these things
and need to go back to being silent as I was when I was a child
silent with wisdom. move away from danger, negativity, any person or thing i sense is bad immediately without showing them any fear
just smile, nod and be on my merry quiet way
enjoying my lovely solitude
and make friends with a very few strangers that are also on the same wavelength
circumstances bring out emotion already inside. words arent said unless you think them. i dont care if he or anyone else hates my guts or loves me.
my mind used to zone out i called it trancing when removing myself from bad situations corrupt people.
when i sleep i dream intensely of places i haven't been
i am courageous enough to not care .. she called me aloof
i have never begged anyone for sex or love. never pushed it on someone or asked them to say i love you. those words should come naturally and sex should be natural not forced.
I was attractive to many and still am
strangers prove it to me daily whenever I go out
i was more attractive when younger and am gaining that appeal back bit by bit even tho living in fight or flight mode, survival mode
situation of his aggravation intensifies and increases the more aware i become and state my realizations. huge mistake to tell him anything i discover as truth, memories from the past, dreams i have
Tuesday, May 12, 2026
Sore throat, coughing runny rose on May 9th, 2026 the day before Mother's Day sunday May 10
why did it happen? where did it come from?
I am as careful as can be when I do anything so I won't contract illnesses.
when I go out to the gyms they are sanitized all over. people use the antifungal disinfectant at these places constantly
the only place I can think of is at HOME where I contracted this awful sore throat, slight fever, coughing up yellow and dark phlegm.
which came from HIM. he has been sick coughing sneezing hacking for many weeks and he spreads his germs all over everywhere he goes. sneezing blasting into the room air, does not wash his hands often, picks and digs at his nose, leaves dirty napkins tissues paper towels laying about on counters or anywhere and reuses these dirty items. he touches everything indiscrimiately.
it is not normal to get sick in MAY when weather is warming up
So HE contracted some crap from somebody somewhere probably more than a month ago.
Last night I asked him who he has been around that was coughing sneezing and he did NOT respond to my question. All the people that have come over here are NOT sick so he must have acquired it from some STRANGER I have not seen. OR else it is from his sisters sherry and dorothy.
Some people like to keep you at their level or down below them. Some like to see you rise above and be happy
if they keep you at the same level or below they feel they have more control over you
if you escape the "system" of control you will leave like a hot air balloon floating all over and they might never see you again
fly away anywhere in a helicopter, balloon, airplane, jet, any airborne craft and when you leave you are free to wander about and probably will not return to the hellish situations
Are micro organisms, parasites responsible for our bad behavior, mental illness, insanity?
as well as toxic substances like fumes, dust particles, any airborne things that we are allergic to
liquids, gases, solids
ointments, creams, oils
and the ether, sometimes called God
Are poisonous substances the cause of such imbalance ?
Humans can be the most stupid idiots regardless of
age, gender education. financial status. location
and some humans can be exquisite geniuses
yet still have idiotic traits
Monday, May 11, 2026
These guys want..
20 something year old girls/women that never age
home cooked food, fast food from restaurants
instant immediate gratification in all areas, physical and mental
obedient slaves to all their desires and wishes
to be sexually desirable physically but as they get older they stop doing things
to be desirable with their persona yet don't really know how to be
think working alot and money/flashing their cash and material things can get them anything they want
complete and total freedom to do and live as they want which is mostly like pigs and animals in disorganized dirty messes and clutter all over the house, yard, anywhere
as they age most are looking pretty bad yet expect to have and get a young looking cheerleader type woman on their shoulder and in their bed
they forget their youth when they naturally attractive
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
stephen, my nephew
jimmy g, my son's best friend
both my sons
the man i am married to
john layson, chuck charles strand and his half brother stephen hosey
both my ex husbands
tony, william, darin, kirk
Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.
Me. Quiet in the morning. Him: Noisy and wants to talk and be disruptive.
He hates my placidity and quietness.
No talking to me for 2 hours. I enjoy the peace, quiet and silence. Light bothers my eyes
Him: Noisy and wants to talk to me while I am still asleep in the brain.
He likes activity and disruptions especially early in the day and usually
takes off before 10 am or starts in on physical activities like yard work.
He turns on the news cell phone tv first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
He likes stories esp news, fantasy sci fi strange fake stuff. He must have constant outside media noise.
He absorbs all the the garbage lies, trash and stupid short videos of dumb things. I do not find it
amusing to watch someone do stupid dangerous stunts and get hurt. He likes that kind of crap.
He can't differentiate between truth and fiction.
He believes his opinions are facts and everyone else should believe the
same way otherwise they are stupid and all wrong
He cannot accept differences in anything including people animals objects material things
He thinks in black and white terms.
He must have constant outside noises videos input from other things while driving, working
while eating and conversations. He can't focus on the conversation/talk at any time.
He plays music, watches tv, internet short to long videos and will play this stuff around me and
others not realizing some people do not like it and he does not care if anyone else likes it or not.
He is cult influenced. gullible. easily fooled persuaded.
He has no control over his food and drink. He can't stop himself from touching anything and everything.
Grabbing food, drinks anywhere as if it is his stuff. He has sticky fingers.
He lack of self control.
He buys bullshit sold by infomercials, scammers, cult leaders, political radicals
who just run their mouth and sell things to viewers to make lots of profits/money.
These people are out for the money and do not serve genuine causes.
He believes everyone is out to get your money, to get something.
He is a sucker.
He does not like window shopping because he can't stop looking and control himself and his urges
for immediate self gratification.
He thinks you have to buy something whenever you are in a store or any sales place like outdoor flea markets
and if you don't buy something they think you are stealing, are a thief.
He does not meditate or create writings from the self. He doesn't reflect accurately.
He will writes notes on what others have written and said from a select few videos and books.
Sunday, May 10, 2026
Network of Abusers
all of the people we know, all neighbors and any family member of mine he knows all
contribute to and allow his verbal and physical abuse to me
i have told most of these people about his words and actions.
no one will do anything or listen to me because he has them convinced he is such a nice guy...the one who is always there for them to help them and fix their stuff
Friday, May 8, 2026
Things people feel bad about show their focus in life
he always feels bad for someone who lost every material thing they had like layson and any stories he hears on the news about devastaton and weather disasters. he feels sorry for homeless people and ricky in his poor devastated state of a huge mess filth and living with a bunch of animals.
he will often say he feels so bad of these people usually total strangers in the world and never tells me he feels bad for the things he says and does to me
on the contrary, i feel bad when i see someone hurt or am aware a person is going thru abuse at home or anywhere. i cry for their pain. i wish i could stop it.
Dirty Mind they have
this is why I should always be covered up in my body and use caution with any word coming out of my mouth
comments made by MIKE: "what are you wearing? see thru clothes.. what do you want to do have sex with that person? (said about my eldest son who was coming over that day it was boiling hot outside and the thought never crossed my mind about doing that with my own son. I was simply hot and wanted to wear cool loose clothing. ...
" your tits are showing through your shirt, i see the tops of your breasts, i see your ass when you bend over wearing those shorts, that skirt, dress, anything." even when he sees my legs he cannot stop himself from reaching out and touching my skin to see if my legs feel soft and smoothe.
when you are wearing that long shirt make sure you wear long shorts to cover your rear end because someone anyone neighbors could see your ass butt. oh he (the neighbors like chris and ken) would love to get his hands on that if he sees your body.
accuses me of having affair/relationship with any male i have met then he meets them screens them out befriends them keeps good contact with them to make sure i have nothing to do with them. thinks if i talk to someone it means i want to have sex with them. includes all people we know and have known.
"he is a sucker" comment made when damon was little and still using bottle and breastfeeding, comment from MIKE
"here, take him. he is hungry. what do you want me to give him to suck on, my dick?" made by ED
licked licks his lips when darin was talking about being in the phillipines with young girls all around him when he goes there to visit his very young wife in her 20s
the first words he says about everything are negative and assumes 80 percent of the people will do something bad like stealing when the opportunity arises. he sees dark side of life in all areas.
focuses on war, money, destruction, crime, corruption,
gets irritated aggravated over all things.
if he hears the word sex when we are around anyone he gets very angry. once we were with the neighbor sharon she was driving i was in the front seat he was in back. she started talking about the sounds men make when they are having sex and imitating them and he got a mad mean twisted face then later accused me of bringing up the subject of sex. i said she was the one who started talking about it, not me. he insisted it was me when it was her.
yet they get off on porn at home in private and expect me to keep covered up .. what do they do when they are in public and see the other women wearing super tight, flimsy, see thru clothing. lots of females show off their boobs and butt and some wear lingerie...fishnet stockings with garter belt short tight skirt and crop top like the woman i saw at the zoo on april 30, 2026. i have seen women dressed like this in various places like gas stations and stores like walmart. what do these guys do when they see the girls dressed like this?
some men hate the mature wise woman because they cant control her
they view her as a threat
they are immature and want a young naive immature girl to dog around . a puppet doll android who does their bidding believes their lies and thinks that he is god
any woman who sees thru his shit, intuitively senses his evil is his enemy
he is sick mentally and physically
i dont know how many personalities he has. i only see the ones he shows me when it is only us and how he acts around others in front of me
what he does when i am not around i dont know
i suspect charles manson type behavior. maybe even ted bundy
experts could figure him out. shrinks, doctors. graphologists. detectives.
he coughs hacks spit and phlegm sneezes a lot.
has high blood pressure. upper shoulder back pain. hearing loss. skin issues sores on mouth. white hard pimple things on penis scrotum area. gets hot easily. needs eye exam for glasses.
i told him he needs to go to doctors. told him to go to church somewhere..
He punched me on left jaw chin while he was driving may 7 2026
will do no good to file police report so i didnt call 911 or say or do anything
all that would happen is him posting bond for himself if he sat in jail all he would do is get madder and madder plotting revenge to kill me
silence after we got home around 5 pm
i proceeded to wash dishes clean up kitchen mess got some trash together then left after 7 pm got back around 930 pm went to ward parkway
he had went to his bedroom right after we got home. may have been napping so i left
someone prayed for me. i said money wont help i need the power of god
the only way it will stop is if he dies and i cant kill him
Wednesday, May 6, 2026
If I were beautiful again.....
with wisdom I have gained
what will I do?
Never give myself away for free especially to pigs who trample my pearls under their pig feet
Tuesday, May 5, 2026
Never be predictable traceable found easily
i learned in my teens and twenties
keeping s regular schedule is death to creation and freedom
people watch what you do. predict.
interfere block accomplishments when i have predictable known routines patterns places
run around to different places . talk to many and learn.
keep them all separate
dress up differently
Back ups always needed
batteries electricity shelter people backing each other up
transportation
food and water storage
I Am Starved Starving
for understanding. attention. smart people
peace. solitude to focus
ability to achieve goals.
order accomplishments. recognition. appreciation. love
hugging. hugs. tenderness closeness.
I am not getting enough regular good proper exercise
stretching moving freely pushing dancing splits
leg pushes arm lifts raising myself up pull ups
hanging from hands legs twirls around bar
climbing poles ladders anything
back bends
standing on head
rolls
swimming
handstands
gymnastics
squats
sex
I See through the crap. Why I am most feared person in the room
and most people run away from me
i scare people away with up front awareness
i talk too much
it is a self defense mechanism
Sunday, May 3, 2026
He just lost everything he had
all credibility. ME.
no trust. no love. no compassion.
all the money and material things are worthless
Saturday, May 2, 2026
He treats me like a beat up whore
my mistake for allowing it the second time and all times after that
my fault for forgiving over and over. my fault for being understanding making excuses for him
my ignorance in not recognizing in the beginning and not knowing things in life i did wrong. number one never chase a man never fall in love and let him know it . he thinks you will do anything for him never leave and he can do beastly things to you for years and get by with it scot free
never think sex equals love. it is only raw animal like physical performance has nothing to do with love.
he can screw your brains out while he hates your guts disrespects you stomps you into the ground.
he just wants to satisfy his penis somewhere anywhere anyone anything will do
and he says it is good exercise never says i love you during or after
I can wear most colors except my skin tone
wardrobe mostly dark colors. black. red. forest green. navy. purple.
nail polish dark red black dark brown
need to wear pastels beige pink light blue green lavender pale yellow orange
white gray grey
read that pastels are cute. dark is sexy.
no makeup or minimal is cute
more makeup sexy
lucky me with little bitty titties like an adolescent girl. skinny waist little round butt nice looking legs with muscles and form
oval almost round face
guys hate it when i wear guy shoes . they like strappy sandals, boots. high heels. athletic shoes that look like booties, corset tops. ruffled blouses. lace. tight pants and they die when i wear dresses the typical a line or square neck or v neck styles. t shirt dresses above or below the knee. elbow length or wrist length shirt.
the men love to see my female waist. clothes that show it. belts .
tucked it blouses into skirts shorts jeans slacks
tailored jackets around waist. fitted dresses showing womanly figure.
the guys dont like wild print patterns baggy clothes lopped off very short hair like a boys crewcut
so i will add to my wardrobe missing colors of light pink and blue and purple including shoes in those colors. most of my shoes are black a few are white.
guys love delicate fragile minimal jewelry on a woman or girl. huge flashy gaudy is a no no out.
clothes and shies that fit properly and are right colors and for the occasion are mandatory.
Wednesday, April 29, 2026
i want
old fashioned stereo system speakers cds dvds
canopy bed mobile easy to move
stand up mobile desk
nice nightstands
these practical things make me happier
friendly companions associates
i dont think or care that everybody is watching me. he does
am not that self conscious or paranoid negative skeptical
i am not anti social hateful prejudiced black and white thinker
not negative not focused on dark side corrupt criminals
i am not scrooge stingy selfush mean miserly
i have faith hope ideas dreams joy
i see solutions actively pursue answers
i see possibilities good benefits rainbows sunshine
sales people sellers have great personalities are friendly
like me. i like to meet people and introduce them
he does not
4-29-26 wed he took off again on wednesday 9:37 am
this time at 9:37 am
said was going to bank somewhere else then
to independence mo to see if he can find roy simms at home because he did not call him back or text back
rk312x ZED BTCX be:82:7b:12:70:f6 4-29-26 on network again
rk312x ZED BTCX be:82:7b:12:70:f6 4-29-26 on network again
4-29-2026
on network again
Tuesday, April 28, 2026
showing on my network at home for a long time.. hubv3-03011502536 28:6d:97:c2:eb:8d
hubv3-03011502536 28:6d:97:c2:eb:8d
Monday, April 27, 2026
All of his family members cuts down their partner spouse wife girlfriend husband mate
Every one of his family members I met runs their partner into the ground with constant criticism and threats. So I cannot take it personally because it is a learned common family pattern of behavior they all do to the one they are closest to and live with.
Nitpicking, intense criticism, threats, fighting
it is as if they think they are perfect all the time and they dump all of their rotten stuff onto their mate
mother, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins
Lori, Tammy, Debbie, karen, john, gerald/jerry, him, dorothy ann, sharon/sherry, the cousins in ottawa and other cities in kansas, david,
Sunday, April 26, 2026
What is causing fatigue tiredness while i am at home esp after i eat?
today up at 9 am tired at 4 pm
yesterday up at 730 am left house gone til 8 ? pm didnt get tired.
is it weather?
today rain after 3 pm
yesterday clear sunny
is it stress in home? is it toxins in house. not enough fresh air?
when i am away i rarely want to nap
sucker, control freak, immature, fantasy world of dictatorship
he is a sucker for a pretty face and body and
he is a sucker for infomercials and scams
he sees something someone else has then buys it or gets it for free and does it
he is a sucker for people who appear to be down and out and desperate
he is a control freak and has no control of himself
thinks he can control all people, animals and things with
force physical push manipulation tactics threats punishment
insults criticism focuses on what he thinks my weaknesses,
my mistakes, flaws and faults are
he is stuck at the age 2 or 3 and
thinks he runs the world
in his fantasy world mind he screws any girl he wants,
believes in aliens ufos extraterrestrials, loves politic,
republicans they represent money power and control and black and white thinking
he is impulsive and unpredicatable
he focuses on the weather constantly and will plan his activites
according to the forecast and i will not know what he is going to do
until the last minute or after the fact
he lives in a fantasy world of reincarnation, psychics, mediums, edgar cayce
thinks he looks young and handsome and perfect in reality
his diet loaded with sugar and salt and junk has aged him
and he has a pot belly and sagging face and a mean looking
scowl on his face most of the time
he does all he can to destroy my beauty because that is
my biggest asset of attraction to all people and
i am the hugest threat of all to him.
i could ruin him for the rest of his life and
take everything he has and have him locked up in the psyche ward for the rest of his life
he believes pretty girls get all the perks. any beautiful woman anywhere
the better she looks the more she gets
he resents that fact and does all he can to try to
destroy my beauty, naturalness and happiness
his sister karen was beautiful before she went on meds for
her same paranoid schizo disorder then she gained about 100 pounds or so got fat and ugly and died
in hospital hooked up to all kinds of equipment to keep her alive
he has a penchant and obsession with staring at pretty girls anywhere in person or in
magazines books videos and hides this action from the public
my beauty, love of peace, harmony, order, cleanliness,
calmness, easy going personality..i want to introduce people and
love to see them get along
are reasons he hates my guts views me as a threat to his test of
masculinity and maturity
since he is immature little boy he is not and has not ever been
protective of me and does not want me to dress to look good and
show off my body because then he might have to defend and protect me
from other wolf men which he has never done and will not do
any bad thing that has happened to me he blames me for
incuding me being sexually harassed over the years and any rapes I have endured.
he even said to me "i thought you liked to be raped"
Thursday, April 23, 2026
The best defense is a good offense. Attack first before being threatened by the opponent. PREPARATION. Peaceful preparedness
strategic planning, proactive actions, calculated risks
Little Billy in twilight zone episode is HIM
billy mumy played the part of the spoiled brat who controlled the house
when he got mad at someone for not complying with his wishes he got rid of them
he was an immature childish rotten child full of hate
that is exactly what he is
forcing others to watch what he wants on tv, to eat the shit he likes and agree with everything he says and does and say it is good
Wednesday, April 22, 2026
The Big Cover up
That is what we are all about
Concealing our nasty natural nature to the public.
Status. Wanting to look good.
Displaying our most evil parts at home.
Guilt and shame, feeling bad are things taught to us
I think we are born without a conscience. Without remorse.
I was programmed like many to feel wrong for lots of things . I was taught to feel guilty bad responsible. Like "don't lie cheat, steal, destroy, covet, lust , be proud, get angry, break things, take more than what I need, hoard, leave a mess, be tired and lazy slothful, arrogant, cocky, bully and tease and mock others" yet I have done all those things and so has everyone else
The natural animal state is to be all these "bad" things. Corruption is in all and everywhere.
Committing murder is the only thing I haven't done yet I wanted to. The idea of jail and incarceration stopped me.
Shame blame feeling responsible for things I am not the cause of is stupid.
What good is it to feel bad ? What good is empathy or sympathy? Why should I feel bad for someone who did not stand up for themselves?
I should never feel bad or apologize for anything i thought said or did.
If i recognize I made a mistake, an error just correct myself don't do it again and go on about my life.
People dont forget anything I or you did wrong. They do not forgive.
They hold it against me all my life.
Forgiving someone once is ok and fine but when they deliberately keep hurting me or anyone else that is when forgiveness ends.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
That is the message from him. Whatever bad happened to me was my own fault. He takes no responsibility and never protects me in any situation. If I were ever attacked. ever raped and killed he would blame me
Mother: I am like his mother which he hates/hated/rebelled against
He treats me like his mother. Like I am to prepare his food, clean up his messes, wash his clothes, clean house, run errands, pay bills, due all things as if they are a duty to him and do all of his bidding and put up with all of his random messes all over the house and the yard AND endure his temper tantrums fits when he does not get his way.
He called her stupid and calls me stupid bitch Always assumes I do not know what I am doing. Has no faith no confidence in almost anything I do
In his eyes am NOT the lovely girl woman that I am to others. OTHER people quickly see my beauty and that I am fit in my body even though I have a severe curve in my back. They do not notice until I point it out and show it to them. He concentrates on how bad my back looks and constantly tells me that I am a nasty and mean person when in fact he is the big bastard to me daily.
He hates my guts. Despises me.
He has threatened to get rid of me and find another woman for many years.
He criticizes me to death.
However these days he is saying no woman wants an old man his age 65. He pretends like he has given up searching for another but i do not believe him. I dont trust him as far as king kong could throw him.
I am like a hideous beast he has to fight with every single day the way he fought his mom and his sister karen while growing up. The entire family fought with and controlled/controls each other.
There is no joy, no fun, no laughter in our marriage relationship
It is all about business, sternness, discipline, control battles where he thinks he is always right and I am wrong
He lusts after lots of pretty girls and beautiful women all over the world but he does not lust after me until the last second after he gets sick of jacking off to pictures and videos and will say "it's not the same"
He points out flaws and mistakes with each and every thing I say and do and the way I look, the way I dress, act and talk and what I like and talk about. He has zero respect for me in any area.
He thinks he has to make all of the decisions in each area of his life and mine without my input EVER.
Tells me to shut the fuck up and fuck off like he did again last night after I offered to talk to his sister about the old washing machine he wants to give her so she doesnt have to buy a new one. He does not want me to talk to her. Says I will fuck it up like I do everything else.
He says I dont care what you want frequently. When I say the same things to him he says to me he gets pissed.
I am still the biggest piece of shit in his life. Doormat Daisy Duke Dummy.
Dumping ground for all his hatred and hostility.
He talks normally and sweet to everyone but me. Yells raises his voice constantly and i ask him to lower his voice. He wont do it.
He listens to political garbage people fighting and acts like they do to me.
I want no part of that trash.
Solution: feed him sugar syrup fast food donuts cookies alcohol cake pie candy soda fast food. That is what he wants just like so many others I have known. ...Layson, harlow jundy. chris rixner, ... mike wall, tom wright, larry wilson. ed m.
These guys were are news focused. political. music movie obsessed. Cars trucks sports guns stupid videos any kind of obsession.
Their brains are everywhere but on their own wife and life.
They end up staying home making messes out of all things blasting loud shit thtu huge speakers faces in the tv headphones on blocking out reality of daily life. No fun. No play.
dirty housekeepers.
. fat bellied old men who likely couldnt get it up in the end of their lives. Several of them i know couldnt due to them or their wife telling me or medical records.
What is the connection of old men eating and drinking trash getting fat guts using porn running after teens and little girls treating their wives like dirt???
Fat gut is the sign their mind is gone to the birds trash bin
Many years ago like in 1988 89 Pete Svejda came in the gas station I was working at. Bea his accountant bookkeeper was with him. He talked to her like trash then turned to me in dr jekyll voice saying sweetie . She was thr one doing all the work holding his heating and air conditioning business together while he screwed teenage girls in the back room of his business. My father told me what Pete and his comrades did. Pete another old fat gut disgusting male . So was another of my dads associates Joe Sprofera. Fat gut bald ugly married nasty he tried to get me to go to a motel with him. I was 16.
I Need Professional Help from a psychiatrist for him asap
and a nutritionist, a medical doctor, government employees like fire fighters, policemen
basically, any help from professionals that I can get
He has so many disorders and anger and personalities I cannot help him
namely
schizophrenia, paranoia, npd narcisstic personality disorder, explosive anger tantrums fits, hoarding disorder, fear of missing out, control issues over all things, micromanaging
possible causes besides upbringing: chemical imbalances, exposure to toxic substances inhaled, eaten, ingested, drank, fixed behavior learned since infancy
On April 21, 2026 it started in the morning at home. It is usually at home when we are alone and also happens when we are out somewhere alone together.
thanks to an old cell phone I use as a camera most of the audio is recorded.
It lasted about 4 long hours earlier in the day then continued on after I got back home around 8:30 ish so most of it is voice recordings
Monday, April 20, 2026
A person cant have anything someone else wants to steal
like the homeless woman i met at QuikTrip
all she had was clothes on her back a pair of shoes a small backpack and a cell phone.
she said she fell asleep on one of the many buses she rides daily and when she woke up someone stole her phone. the only form of communication she had
how terrible
Sunday, April 19, 2026
Self serving and self sacrificing
a balance must be made so i am not selfish or self sacrificing
if i sacrifice all if myself to self serving people i am no longer myself and a happy sane balanced person
i used to give all to make someone else happy only to discover i cannot make them happy. they suck all my energy, drain me, want more and demand more. never happy. the more i give the more they expect
and when i give too much i am not respected, not appreciated.
when i give in to something i do not want i am considered a weak stupid fool.. a naive idiot
so i have learned to set boundaries and some selfish people dont like it
too bad. wish i would have known a long time ago i am not a doormat
it is up to me to take care of myself first. clean up my messes and others should do the same.
masters and slaves are out of the question. both are miserable creatures
B words. Bitch Bastard are created
females become bitches because of bastards and other bitches
bastards become that way due to dealing with other bastards and bitches
a child is not born a bastard or a bitch
they are created by their experiences
pavlov training
nice little girls turn mean due to treatment
boys become bad for the same reason
⁶
Thursday, April 16, 2026
I love clean places and activities.
hospitals, schools, gyms, businesses like walmart and professional grocery stores
offices and intelligent people.
Never trust a filthy, messy, hoarder person. They are a disaster. Immature.
They accumulate any and everything packing things away hiding them.
It gets to the point they cannot clean up after themselves.
They do not acknowledge that they are the problem, the one touching everything with their dirty hands spreading germs and diseases. Licking their fingers and touching things. Not paying attention to their hands or things they move around.
They eat while doing anything such as while walking moving around and even while working.
They do not admit they are the one leaving dirty messes behind for other people like me to clean up.
They expect me to do their laundry, dishes, clean up the floor after they track shit all over the place and leave crap and things all over the patio, the yard and any area they have been to.
As they get older they can't concentrate much on one thing at a time and try to multitask
they do not pay attention to me or any one person, the conversation at hand.
Their mind wanders constantly. Distracted easily. They pile up things and make a disaster out of any area they work in or do anything in.
Their beds are dirty nasty full of bugs and they do not see the point in changing their sheets linens washing their clothes and bedding or any thing they have.
The dust and dirt piles up in all places of the house and any place they work at.
Countertops are rarely wiped off anywhere including bathrooms and kitchens. They freak out when the floor is cleaned properly by thorough sweeping vacumming and mopping and polishing.
They do not mind filth dirt mud rocks or any item laying around on the floor. They wear shoes almost all the time and have stinking feet and socks and shoes and boots. They wear shoes because they don't want to hurt their tender feet. If they would walk barefoot as soon as they enter the house they could feel the filth and dirt and sticky junk all over the floor.
If they would focus on their immediate environment instead of on the tv, the internet, the cell phone, the videos, the news, the radio, some crap playing thru their earphones, ear buds, headphones they would see and realize the true nasty mess of a bug and animal haven they live in.
They love to have huge pieces of electronic equipment like stereos, televisions, speakers, radios, amplifiers, reel to reel players and are easily mesmerized by the audio and videos pictures of things that are somewhere else. They ignore the person they live with and shut them out by blasting junk thru these devices.
They do not like to clean. They do not know how to do deep cleaning. Don't care about bugs, spiders, cobwebs, mice, rats, snakes coming into the house. They say it is no big deal, it is part of life living with creatures crawling all over the house and in the walls.
They are afraid of seeing a drop of water anywhere and scream and yell if they see it.
The place starts stinking and they can't figure out where the smell is coming from. The person I live with did this many times and once he took furniture polish that smells like lemon and sprayed it on my kitchen counter where I do food prep.
they put wrong liquids into inappropriate wrong containers and usually do not label the can or bottle with what is inside of it. This is a dangerous and stupid thing to do.
Instead of getting to the core, the root cause of the mold, mildew, stink they do temporary patches and buy products like "toilet bowl cleaner" or any chemical that makes it sound easy to quickly cover up the issue.
They blame other people for their problems like losing things and their impulsive and angry temper tantrums they throw every single day. They refuse to take responsibility for their own creation of disastrous messes they make.
They like to keep old boxes and containers items came in instead of tossing them immediately.
One i know even keeps a used condom of all things as if he will use it again. He also finds outdated condoms at the park and brings them home. Why? It is no good.
they love to keep expired items in the refrigerator the bathroom medicine cabinet, the food pantry basically any place. expired paint, auto chemicals, pharmaceutical drugs, ointments, creams, lotions, shampoo. toothpaste mouthwash. cleaning products.
the one i live with puts old silicone ointment cream on his legs this ointment was acquired over 20 years ago from super flea and it was expired at the time he got it.
they are scared to death to throw away anything thinking they will need to use it someday.
they treat me and people like trash and treat all the material things and money like the most precious things of all.
they do not listen to me or anyone or any business, government professionals about tossing old expired things, being sanitary, sneezing into the elbow instead of spraying into the room or any other technique to stay clean and healthy.
they are not health conscious.
they love to eat fast food anything that requires no prep.
they do not wash off fruits and vegetables before eating them.
they grab any piece of food laying anywhere and will eat it if they think it is edible
they do not believe in washing old clothes bought at the thrift store, garage sale or anywhere. they think if the item smells good it does not need to be washed. they have no idea where it came from and do not care. i have warned them it could have bug eggs in it like lice, fleas or any disease bacteria you cannot see or smell.
they pick their nose when they think no one is looking. they stick their hands down their pants and play with themselves also. they do not wash their hands after using the bathroom restroom and picking their nose and playing with their private parts.
since they eat lots of sweets and garbage and drink sugary things they have a lot of stinking body odor which they cannot get rid of even after taking a shower. no deodorant can get rid of the pit odor.
they pet animals and feed them with their fingers letting the animals touch their hands and do not wash their hands. this transfers germs and bugs and worms into the person even though you can't see the worm eggs and parasites.
they are full of parasites in their bodies and will not do anything to clean their insides out.
they have digestive issues like heartburn etcetera and do not know why and do not care to know so they will use a quick fix like tums or rolaids pepto bismol or any type of antacid or soda pop mixture to quickly alleviate the issue
their guts are a total mess
they eat junk food and suck down sweet drinks throughout the day and do not sit down and patiently eat a real meal and concentrate on the food and conversation. they get up often running thru the house or area outside or anywhere.
they love to eat lots of cookies, pies, pastries, doughnuts, candy
they will pass out old expired candy to children kids on halloween saying the food is still good
they hate to use very much soap claiming it is bad
they do not believe in using real hot water to wash the dishes and hate to use the dishwasher falsely believing it uses too much electricity and water
they will scrimp on water and electricity usage and spend tremendous amounts of money on things like home yard products, tools, automobile anything, unnecessary expensive food and drink items and will even drive long distances to get some weird fast food they are craving like ice cream, hamburgers, pizza, taco bell, mexican, churchs or kfc chicken,
they hate accounting and keeping proper accurate records of their spending. they prefer to use cash as much as possible because it is fast and easy and not trackable. they buy things in secret when they are alone and hide their activities from they spouse, partner, wife or husband then they scream and yell at their wife for buying a thing she needs and wants that is good and practical
they spend lots of money on themselves and rarely buy expensive items for their wife or girlfriend. they tell her she does not need it whenever she expresses needing something like new clothes or a decent appliance that is new and more energy efficient.
they would rather keep old inefficient junk using it until it works no more instead of investing in a newer and better model of anything
Clean up after myself/yourself. Number one thing.
It is my responsibility to clean up after myself and not after anyone over the age of 7.
I am responsible for my own area only.
I refuse to clean up messes of any kind made by any person who is supposed to be a mature adult.
Tuesday, April 14, 2026
Simple men/people/women
Simple men
dont like govt and technology computers accounting planning ahead.. like animals.
don't like lengthy in depth discussions about anything
short sweet to the point
wait til last minute to empty the trash
hate daily cleaning maintenance
wait until something gets bad, a huge problem before they do anything about it
do not know how to nip things in the bud
gravitate are drawn to filthy nasty disgusting things like news, media trash,
food, clothes, work projects that get you dirty,
porn or searching for women anywhere and everywhere
just to look at lust after in mags videos and/or pick them up use them for sex and discard them once they get off
pile things up in wrong places and various areas
lack organizational skills
lack ergonomics. setting things up for ease of use
hate making lists or listening to them
can't see connections between everything
think things are only for the moment and can't see
consequences or their words and actions
hard time making things simple so things end up complicated
do things for the moment right when they think of it
wait til problem is huge before taking action
cant see patterns
hard time predicting things in advance
lack preparation in some areas
seek variety in sexual conquests
get bored easily with the woman they have
will talk on phone to the one woman wife or girlfriend saying i love you while at
the same time trying to get the woman present in the room
lie consistently
hide money, things, any item they are afraid someone might see that
could embarass them
cannot be trusted when alone or not around their wife or girlfriend
scope out areas anywhere for conquests
Monday, April 13, 2026
My natural self
My natural self
beautiful pretty cute playful easygoing accepting balanced
see all sides colors vibrations flexible
organized fun loving
practical island open friendly
beach lover party parties get togethers
socializing loving kind helpful
empathic understanding free freedom loving unique
all of my qualities he hates and steals from me by deliberately saying and doing things to hurt me with no regard to my feelings yet expects me to be sensitive to all of his feelings and needs
Neighbors friends relatives lesson. I need to keep at arms and legs length. Includes anyone I know that he knows.
he is at neighbors houses frequently and especially without telling me all his contacts with them
he does not want me at any of the neighbors houses becomes angry pissed and inquisitive if i ever visit any neighbor
yet he goes over to any of their houses constantly anytime he wants to go and expects me to stay out of it
he used to get jealous pissed when i was visiting debra phillips later debbie wall back in the late 90s. her and i would just visit sit and talk.
best for me to keep neighbors at arms length because he is tight with all of them and any of these people would tell him anything i say or do as he has them convinced he is such a useful and nice guy
this goes back over 34 years of his bonding with people in the neighborhood
tim lois nolan, irene and don rogers and family, mike michael wall and debra phillips wall, steve sharon duggan, chris rixner and wendy and anyone else he had over there, mark pollock down the street, ellen next door who stays in chris house he died 3 years ago, traci corsaut, barbara and darrell chism, ken and nancy matteson, peter webber on meadow lane, alex and mary lovely across street on kings hwy used to be rogers house
he sneaks around and texts chats talks to them in person sometimes telling me later he conversed with them
i should not say much more than hello to any of them due to him controlling the entire neighborhood
none of these people are beneficial to me anyway. they do not need to know any of my business or anything about me
he takes over every relationship i have with anyone he meets including my own family sons and seems to convince them he is such the intelligent smart capable nice guy and that i am the bitch the one causing problems all the time
every single friend and relative that he met... chuck strand, john layson, tony gomez, darin wise, jr huell bracher, kirk hupp,
he wants to know any person i know and get to know them to pry information out of them
Snowball iceberg of stupidity he is
stupid ball of stupidity. snowball effect. tip of iceberg reveals it all
warped thinking
have idea then look for proof
lacks scientific method
comes to conclusions based upon feelings with lack of evidence
is the problem and blames me for all of his problems
Writer author is alone. works in solitude. best to live by myself.
then I can concentrate freely. think. invent. write. be joyful happy flexible appreciated admired enjoy life more often
Scattered brain. all over the place he is. disrupts me often. asks me why about most things
why? tired? sugar salt junk food age aging body and brain?
hands shake. c r s cant remember things sometimes
runs from one room to the other with no notice as if he has to do something as soon as he thinks of it
is it from dirt chemicals cell damage dehydration
too much going on ?
a disease? or more than one disease or affliction
is it psychology of childhood trauma starvation guilty conscience
is it fear of missing out, of being found out?
is it desire for perfection?
is it a combination of many things?
he has short sleep cycles. snores terribly doesn't know it
says stuff he does not remember and does not want to have repeated back what he says or does
is it lack of plasticity of brain hardening of cells blockage causing constant confusion of his senses?
multiple times daily he says i said or did things i did not do and thinks other people think say and do things they probably do not do
he talks to himself when he thinks i cant hear him
he says thing to himself opposite of what he says to me sometimes
he calls other people bad names but not to their face because he does not want them to think bad of him
Friday, April 10, 2026
Male men conversations
jumpy, not in depth, short sentences about work, money, material things, activities, events, cars, trucks, automobile
go from one subject to the other quickly
Strangers and associates frequently compliment me. NOT him
on my good looks, brains, intelligence, ability, my face, hair, fit body, nice personality, talent, organizational skills, computer and cell phone savvy
Sunday, April 5, 2026
There is no one to talk to but God and strangers
i have no friends or family
for support
i am on my own
Last night He said i am the best thing that happened to him
i told him to write it down and i will show it to him next time he gets angry pissed threatens me
that will probably be tomorrow and the next day
and the next
same pattern
ambivalence
Thursday, April 2, 2026
Things not normal about humans
wearing clothes. cooking food.
forcing themselves. going against nature
eating wrong , when not hungry. substituting food for another desire.
forcing sex
languages. words.
reading writing studying thinking building
5am up 2pm down . nine hours later tired
the way it was when i had the job had to be there at 530 am
job began at 9 am i was tired 6 to 7 pm had gotten up at 730 am or so
today up at 1030 am tired 530 pm due to being awake until 430 am
Does things without telling me in advance most of the time
AND expects me to tell him what i am going to do all the time
buying things all over the place
going places i do not know where he goes
sneaking around
hiding things in his file cabinet and cardboard boxes all over in the house and in sheds
a man i knew many years ago cant say the name
strikingly similar to him in his looks, actions, attitude, habits, hobbies
he is a political and religious zealot
a hoarder, dirty about his environment, eats trashy junk food, has a bad temper,
cusses out people that buy and sell on the internet like ebay or any other
calls people stupid idiiots
uncontrollably attracted to my beauty
this guy was notorious for having affairs with women some married then moving and leaving town and saying it was a new fresh start but in reality everywhere he goes it is the same thing because of the way he is
the guy is crazy nuts schizo paranoid, a taker, a user, takes advantage of people anywhere he goes
poor at keeping records, hates accounting. points of flaws of others, highly critical
obsessed with one type of politics used to be republican switched to democrat democracy
actually is completely confused about which way to go. thinks he has to stay in one sector of a group and wont listen to and understand the various sides of things
cannot have an effective argument. one sided. black and white thinker
cant by joyful have fun everything is a battle
if no war exists he creates one
thinks his way. of thinking is the only way and hates anyone who disagrees with him having opposing beliefs
news is all day long first thing in morning last thing at night
thinks has to keep up with what is going on in outside world constantly
not meditative self reflective
The way I dress in certain clothes drives him crazy
shorts, lingerie, short dresses, anything showing rear or top of breasts, swimsuits,
a belt around my waist any item around the waist showing my shape
maid outfits, sexy hose with holes, corsets, shiny looking clothes like jackets, sequins
anything showing off my hourglass figure
so i need to be careful about what i wear, the way i dress around him
this tells me that the way any woman dresses affects him immediately
he made comments like this " what are you trying to do, attract him by wearing that see thru dress?" one day in the hot summer when my eldest son was coming over. i said no way you are being ridiculous i wouldnt do that. i am just hot and not trying to look sexy at all for anyone
Monday, March 30, 2026
Gone is the past never to be relived repeated
days many said i was beautiful got prettier everyday
when i was desired
my kids children were little and innocent like me
i could work at least 8 hours straight
i received many random compliments
i could move my body dancing cartwheels hula hoop without much pain
Dna results on the way from ancestry com. Cant wait...
to see who and how connected i am to countless human people.
Sunday, March 29, 2026
he finds something wrong and focuses on it relentlessly
instead of accepting it and being patient until it is resolved
finds something wrong with most things
Reliving childhood teen young adult years forever
learned experienced are permanent unless cells damaged or killed dead
i write as i did as a child
about life people in my life
observing behavior trying to understand it
seeing patterns in individuals and groups
people i know like and do things they learned in childhood
Saturday, March 28, 2026
He panics over everything. Every little thing. Anxious. Anxiety filled. Nervous
a drop of water
a late package
watching me or anyone eat and drink
he thinks people are watching him
thinks postal employess steal mail
thinks govt is monitoring all things
Friday, March 27, 2026
The look for me. Female woman girl
long lovely shiny straight hair
satin smooth skin
slim trim tight muscles
firm ass butt breasts
clean shiny natural fingernails
long elegant fingers
manicured toenails and fingernails
wide open clear eyes
dark brown iris and white whites of eyes
small smile at all times turning to big smile sometimes
head uplifted , straight. tilted to side,
mouth in o shape at right time
zero frown worry lines between eyebrows
thick black brows
reddish purple lips
plain lipgloss
smooth hair free face
legs great asset
butt great asset
small firm boobs lightly seen
pokies covered in lightly padded push up bra
best colors
black dark red burgundy dark green. blue. purple
white
Impulsive he is. As soon as he thinks of something he says or does it
he runs off in the middle of a conversation constantly
cant focus on food he is eating. answers phone immediately regardless of what he is doing
jumps up feeds cats outside or runs to the garage or outside ..whatever thought comes to mind he does it as fast as possible
has no regard for what he says to me. no filter most of the time.
gets up in morning. sometimes has plans to do things i do not know about until the last second
eats while working
eats while using the computer
usually eats cereal or some carb item around 9 to 10 am 1030 am
chews fast. eats way too fast
sees a snack anywhere and eats some of it
eats food while preparing it or if giving some chicken to the cats has to have a bite of it even tho not hungry
has very little self control
hard to think 30 seconds ahead
Thursday, March 26, 2026
He spends money and time on
fast food. will drive long distances for it if necessary
cars, car and truck parts. will drive a long way to get this stuff
house improvements. yard work. yard improvements.
listening to news especially non mainstream garbage
watching neighbors and other people everywhere
satisfying immediate desires
feeling like he is missing out
concerns about death and after life instead of enjoying the moment
Wednesday, March 25, 2026
Exercise using equipment for a few weeks. Helping
and I might be gaining muscle
arms, back, legs, whole body
I cant trust him. How many personalities does he have?
i have yet to find out
i may never find out all of them
it gets deeper and harder to deal with everyday
He watches me and all people animals constantly
just to know where I am it.
other than that he ignores me or yells
he talks to someone late at night in his bedroom in that soft sexy voice...i do not know what app or site he uses or if he is using the phone while texting and talking.
i will find out one way or another
he keeps a close eye on where i am so he can sneak off and do his business in other places
Sunday, March 22, 2026
Simple. Childish
tantrums , fits. fast food. immediate satisfaction
media addiction, porn videos
stereo equipment, hoarding junk
hates cleaning anything
bad temper
uses fast fixes muscle rubs pills alcohol
thinks my name is beck and call
egotistical
driven my money material things sex appearances
rude
not careful conscientious about hands fingers touching things
does not wash hands often enough
spreads germs
wears used clothes unwashed from thrift store
bad armpit body odor
thinks i am a slave
calls me stupid
yells cusses often
puts on fake nice sweet voice when manipulating wants something
gets things they want often expensive items thinks i dont need luxury things or much of anything
socially inept
unattractive to most women even repulsive
eyeballs girls and women as sex objects
thinks everybody owes them
addicted to sweets junk food
has to have sweet drink all day and with meals
encyclopedic mind of work hobbies like music parts cars guns
believes they are good with finances but hates accounting.
disorganized receipts
addicted to news politics sports competition
shits on what i say
unable to care for babies
not very good with children
animals around cats dogs guinea pigs ferrets etc
spends lots of money on what they want
blasts their music and videos doesn't care how it affects others
expects people to like what they like
Eats dessert immediately after a meal. snacks all day
begins first thing in morning
sees food grabs eats it
Saturday, March 21, 2026
Journey . his
seeking truth. reading books a little. wanting to understand. having difficulty
mostly watching videos. he hears them but doesnt listen comprehend understand meanings. i know because he hasnt changed his thiughts words beliefs and actions much at all
he said he read you are supposed to say god is love repeatedly
it can be said but means nothing if you dont know what love is
love is understanding lack of opposite of fear
is peace compassion. i am full of these things. born that way
Guy guessed my weight 105 pounds tonight. scale shows 125
the other day a guy guessed me at 100 lbs
i laughed
Friday, March 20, 2026
He thinks he controls his thoughts. Reality is the media and other people controls most of his thoughts thus actions.
radio tv internet magazines
family, neighbors, strangers at stores like people giving samples at sams club
he is a sucker for a thing he sees and denies he does this
tone of voice, words are powerful as hell
subject matter discussed, said route the thoughts of others
silent words said in the mind and things in the imagination rule my actions . same applies to anyone
what dominates your thoughts controls your life
I am gaining my beauty back.... It feels great.
thin. exercising more. learning arm, leg, back exercises. eating really good food. drinking lots of water. taking vitamin d3 daily. calcium magnesium, glutamine, vit c, zinc.
got a small corset that fits great from walmart yesterday.
getting new clothes soon. dressing feminine.
clean, neat, looking good.
just a little bit of mascara on the eyelashes, a tint of red on my lips once in awhile. usually plain lip gloss.
He closes up the house so no one can see what he does inside.
scared of being watched. he is careful what he does outside. thinks everyone is watching him because he watches everybody else.
Thursday, March 19, 2026
Never trust a man
he is a wolf
a sneaky one looking at saying and doing things whenever he thinks you are not around
Country living is what i want
Country living is what i want
Lots of space
land 5 to 10 acres
no neighbors close
can have peace and quiet
blast music when i want to
layout nude
do whatever I want outside or inside the house home barn shed or anything on the property
burn trash
campfires bonfires parties visits socialize with friends family people whenever I want
dig in the dirt
Tuesday, March 17, 2026
Grandpa leroy
teeth brushing mouthwash gargling. up early. hard worker.
exercise. oak trees. tomatoes. green peppers
eating out alot couldnt cook clean house do mechanical work.
loves chess.
competitive.
picks and digs into his nose alot when sitting at home
picked fight with grandma during dinner
tailored shirts. dressed professionally at work as school teacher
umpire baseball basketball coach football
collected coins bought jewelry him and grma
his dad roy mitchell was a jeweler in california
loved science and math
taught pe physical education , math and science. also taught english before.
tight watchful with money . didnt want night lights on or windows open when cold outside.
asked me if i still had sex with my husband in 2010 or so . i said at least 2 times a week. i was 49. born 1961. gpa is 25 years older than me born 1926.
gma died 2008. born 1916
told me little girls around the age of 5 learn how powerful they are in controlling men
smoked a cigar once in awhile
looked at playboy magazines
Addictions he has
He is addicted to
News, media, politics, sugar, sweets, snacks, junk food, cookies, cakes, pies, donuts, sugary high fructose corn syrup drinks and food, spicy things like hot sauces, barbecue sauces, anything that says jalapeno hot spicy flavored
sweet drinks tea soda juices esp cranberry and canned whole cranberry sauce
analyzing things trying and thinking he can fix almost anything
thinking he knows answers to stuff before researching then often finding out later he doesn't and did not know
cars trucks esp the ones he owns
tools
buying premade things regarding food, drinks, chemicals, cleaners, soaps,
store bought things instead of homemade food and drink
fast food restaurants: wendys, hardees, arbys, taco bell, dominos pizza, subway, burger king
price of gold and silver watching
playing chess on computer
watching everybody me neighbors store employees drivers
weather
gas prices
wars
cussing goddammit fuck
micromanaging
Monday, March 16, 2026
He spends majority of time worrying about things he can't control
and all of the what ifs what if this or that happens
Sunday, March 15, 2026
I survived. Untouched and alive
the daily rollercoaster terror. his unpredictability spontaneity impulsiveness . impatience. anger.
going from loving one minute to intense hatred the next.
denies his behavior is wrong. never wants me to repeat what he said or did unless it was good behavior.
i still think that his drinks diet food are major influence cause of this atrocious behavior.
i have seen and experienced it in others and myself. males females babies children teens adults of all ages.
i have dealt with thousands of people.
Saturday, March 14, 2026
Dancing in the Rain
my grandson said in 2018 when we went outside in driveway. it was raining
my son took me to a club for my birthday back in and it rained outside and i danced
i went outside on one hot july morning nude and danced in the backyard loving the nudeness and heat
Bold Explicit Erotic
words on cover of cd my son made
and that is me
bold . open. direct. honest, to the point. cut to the chase
explicit: revealing
erotic: highly sexual and sensual
Friday, March 13, 2026
Frown lines... caused by crying, stress, sadness, anger from him and them in my life
so i made a resolution. smile more than frown and don't get stressed out and worry about anything. it shows on my face or your face what you do most of the time.
lady i saw the other day at the drs office uses botox and no makeup. she has wide open big beautiful eyes and lashes and zero frown lines. i will try to get rid of frown lines between the eyes naturally. wish me luck
Got new rolling bed and rolling wardrobe yesterday. I put them together after 3pm today when he left. Done in less than 2 hours
it is absolutely fantastic and great! now there will be more room in my master bedroom.
maybe i can actually get some sleep and perhaps go to bed earlier without light and the cat bugging me . she starts in around 11 pm and goes on until 3 am running in and out the bedroom door and the hole in the wall behind the fireplace.
let's see how i feel in a week after i can sleep better and get some good exercise at home for a change
stretching, yoga, dancing, rolling on the floor. something besides running up and down the stairs and being stopped whenever i am doing something by him
3 pm he takes off. it is almost 7 pm he is still gone. friday march 13, 2026 704pm he is back
says going to walk at park in the mud then to walmart looking for mailbox. ours got hit a couple of days ago.
i do not believe everything he says.
yesterday he took off at 10 am gone till about 515 pm supposedly to his sisters in raymore and to sams club in raymore mo
he was driving the 2015 toyota camry he just bought in january and said he wanted to show his sisters the new car
i know him. he doesnt like to visit people for very long and he shops fast running into stores buying the same categories of stuff things food clothes etcetera
right before sleep...
typical men in my life
love to do it right before going to bed
or first thing in morning if they have the time
Wednesday, March 11, 2026
great at the gym tuesday march 10 2026
met luca 18 yr old empath photographer basketball player
asked him what the thing was to exercuse with is how i met then ended up talking for over an hour
then this beautiful girl came running up to me she said sarah!
like she was my best friend.. i said whats your name. cassie. i sd i dont remember how wecmet
she sd i work here in the kids club. we met down here working out on eqipment.
she is a beautiful long red haired angel from the stars universe
cassie sd lets do leg workout. i said ok so she showed me
thursday she will be back. so will i.
then next mon tues thu fri she will be there.
i want to live at the gym
godsend again
people that are loving to all and love me. i feel loved again finally.!!!
Monday, March 9, 2026
He went to bed early 10 pm tonight. Does this when he will get up early next morning
and doesn't usually tell me what his plans are
Sunday, March 8, 2026
Types of people cant deal with
black and white thinkers
those that cant distinguish their opinion from fact
insane crazy schizo flip chameleons
i ordered a cheap twin rolling bed and a wardrobe for my bedroom I live in most of the time
making room for movement exercise in the bedroom. i can shut and lock the door and do whatever i want as long as it is not too noisy bothering him
i will get some window film for the west window so i can see out and no one can see in since he is so concerned about people looking in the windows
i will order some blackout curtains to replace the see thru light beige curtains he installed when he moved into this house in january 1991. i covered them up with red sheets and a tapestry and it looks terrible
i might not open the boxes when they arrive in a few days
i might tell him i am going to wait awhile until i am ready due to the floor in here
and i might wait weeks because i may find another place to live and when i do i want to load up the boxes along with important things like documents, computers, tablets, phones, clothes, food,
then i will tell him i am returning the items when i am really going to load them up and move the hell out of here
Truth coming out about our origins, sphinx,eqypt, proof evidence of reincarnation :HIS obsession
and proof of political corruption
proof of ufos, extraterrestials, aliens
Saturday, March 7, 2026
Friday, March 6, 2026
What is weird is he will still wants sex and is gentle about it and not too freaky. He is mean in other ways.
he does it the same old ways each time except for on february 28 2026 a week ago when he asked me to do a position he claims we did many years ago. i do not remember doing it but might have.
so i did it and he wasn't too thrilled but said i had told him that position was "unspeakable". supposedly i said that. i suspect he did it with someone else not long ago or was watching it on some kind of porn.
if we don't do it for a couple of weeks or more he will ask me if i still have feelings down there
he has never raped me but once he came close a couple of years ago when i did not do it for a couple of weeks. he ripped my pants down in his bedroom he was not horny and uptight.
I don't want to watch it. I want to experience it. I want to do it if I like it.
If I am hungry I want to eat food. I don't want to watch a commercial or any tv or video of someone else eating. It does nothing for me.
Same way about sex. Exercise. Dance. Movement. Cleaning. Organizing.
Same about events, concerts, shopping, hobbies, work, activities, creating or destroying something.
Some people seem to get off on watching stuff most of the time instead of doing it.
he saves everything he can
trash reluctant to empty until its full
napkins rags paper towels
old underwear shoes boots. clothes
parts old broken unusable things paint knick knacks nic nac
expired food , old vhs tapes dvds cds electronics
used car fluids
He sneaks around phone calls money jobs shopping eating visiting people
In bedroom garage when he's gone he's on the phone chatting talking texting
sneaks in stuff in the house sheds and puts stuff in neighbors shed
i sometimes find out about items and porn he has sneaked into the house and sneaks around watching it looking at it
sneaking bout money, visiting people, work, jobs, who knows what all he is sneaking around about
Last night he was talking to someone after midnight again and I did not hear his phone ring when he said "What?" as if he knew this person closely. Then he mumbled something that sounded like
"wabishgo sheep" and at the end said "It wasnt me. It's not me" and shortly afterwards fell asleep.
couple hours later around 2 am i heard a female voice say "Hello" twice then she said something else I am not sure of. HE was snoring away so he did not answer her.
WHAT device did her voice come from? Good question. He had fallen asleep at least an hour before she talked so I doubt he left his phone on during a call because it uses minutes. Must be some kind of app of the phone that can stay open and not charge minutes on a line.
On the night of february 24 right before midnight he opened my bedroom door and said something about "oh it is good we qualified for medicaid" and he was acting antsy and anxious
When he realized i was dog tired he promptly left only to go to his bedroom and immediately made clunking noises like grabbing something off his desk opening a drawer, starting talking to someone ..don't know for sure but probably his cell phone. i did not hear it ring. it was about 12:14 am february 25th when he entered the room made a grunting noise, said ' the heat expanded off of me" then in the sexy voice said "more!"
a minute or so passed and he said either "25 or 35? that's nothing. its been too long. ...a pause for another minute then "you're experienced. age 10 ( i think he said 10), HOW Much?" a short pause and he said "you just want a big dick ...."
i am lead to believe he is conversing with someone. A stranger somehow on a website or chat room place of some sort.
I have not confronted him with my knowledge and discoveries. HE would DENY it anyway then get totally pissed if he knew how I found out what he is doing.
THE ONLY way to find out is if I had his working phone and his nonworking cell and copied all activity on both of them.
UNLESS he has another device I do not know about. Likely because he saves all of his old cell phones tablets electronics computers, etc. And I wouldn't put it past him to go buy a new device that he can use for such activity and hide it somewhere likely in his bedroom. That is why I keep hearing dresser drawers open and close/shut when he is in there alone.
COMPASSION ENDS
His back hurts and top left chest.
He asked me not to talk
After I just cooked great chicken and noodles and BBQ pork. I went outside with him carried a fairly heavy box of wood in the house because his back and chest hurt so much and he finished installing the power steering pump in my van earlier today because the part showed up via FedEx.
I told him he didn't have to do it if he was in such pain. He did it anyway.
I left the livibg room. A few minutes later he gets up sits in his recliner starts reading a book with his knees propped up as if nothing is wrong.
Told him he tells me to shut up all the time when he blamed his telling me not to talk on his pain. So I said go listen to your political news and everyone else and I will leave the room.
He was horribly nasty to me this morning in his tone of voice when I answered his question about the ebay seller who sold me the ps pump that whined.
I should show the same lack of compassion he has shown me since day one.
I have chronic severe back and leg pain and progressive scoliosis. I can't take the cold cant lift heavy items. Can't do things that require bending forwards like raking leaves.
I can't stand still for long or stay in any one position for long. Have to keep moving and stretching my body to try to alleviate pain.
He is a mean sonofabitch to me most of the time.
Instead of me showing sympathy and empathy which is my nature I need to treat him the same way he treats me.
A heartless way to be that goes against my grain but it looks like I will begin acting that way with him.
Wednesday, March 4, 2026
Learned about living with others, marriage, work, solo, peace, happiness.
Learned.
Living or working with anyone ends up being sheer hell.
Marriage is not about love. It is about ownership, power struggles, fights, wars, battles, conflict, tension.
Happiness begins in myself. It is impossible to remain happy living or working with a miserable person.
Working with other people ends up in power struggles the same as a marriage or live in situation.
Live or work with a man and he is sexually frustrated all the time.
Live or work with a woman and it is a competition to see who is dominant, who gets the man/men or if she likes women, who gets the woman and has dominace in the situation and relationships.
Who gets the prize, the prestige, the power, honor, respect in any relationship anywhere?
Well, obviously it is not me.
Most people want to make themselves happy at the expense of other people. Few people go out of their way to make anyone else happy. Lots of people enjoy instigating fights and worthless circular arguments in an attempt to push their importance and status upon others.
Most people want to be top dog vip important whether they verbally admit it or not.
People want attention and their are countless ways they go about getting it.
Any person can end up doing evil things if put into the right circumstance even if they have a pure nature. Evil as in lying, stealing, cheating, gambling, manipulating, gossiping, mental and physical harm of another being or harming themselves in an attempt to deal with the chronic abuse they have been coping with.
Competition, contests are common amongst humans and animals. Even the most passive being is in some sort of competition or contest to win at something in their life. A masochist can feel powerful when in submission, a sadist when being dominant.
Is it real power to be a martyr or a murderer? Why be either one? Why submit to punishment or punish others? What is the point? They are both losers.
Where is true power? Being yourself without involving others in your pain or pleasure? All that is wanting to be seen, heard and paid attention to by some person or other life form. The life we have is granted by the unknown universal energy / energies and will be taken away at any moment and it has nothing to do with being seen by the other forms it has created.
Can I pleasure or hurt myself when I am alone? Absolutely. I please myself often when no one else is around. The only reason I ever hurt myself is because others have hurt me, they enjoy watching me suffer and I figured I would be better off dead or crippled. That is what they want. To see me hurt, cry and be miserable. It gives them pleasure. Sadistic humans are everywhere. Their two faced phony facades are tricky. If I hurt myself first in front of them maybe they won't have to do it themselves.
I certainlty do not know and have not known anyone who goes out of their way to please me on a consistent basis without asking me for something in return. Demanding, expecting compliance with whatever they happen to want at the moment.
New plans for my bedroom I live in most of the time.
Tranform the closet into the room for a twin xl rollaway bed. Only about 30" will stick out from the closet. Perfect for me to stand on the get things out of the big closet cubby hole above where the clothes rack are that are on metal rods and pull out. I can use the metal rods to hold exercise bands while in bed and hang and stretch all I want...unlike what I have now. I have to lay on the floor to use this huge resistance band.
When the mattress is in the closet under the clothes rods I can lay on the bed and fall and stretch and move all I want without worry of getting hurt.
I will get a rolling wardrobe rack for all my clothes and put it against the east wall in my bedroom, right in the spot he said is best to put anything that is heavy.
This way I can move the bed and the clothes rack around whenever I want to.
I have rearranged my room a gazillion times in the last few years and each time it seems to be right and gets better. It will be even better like this. It will open up the middle of the bedroom so I can use exercise mats and comforters and pads and pillows and dance and exercise on these.
In my bedroom are 2 desks. One is an old wooden desk, the other is a long plastic table about the size of the desk. I have several laptops, a tablet, cell phone, tablet pad holder, 10 key adding machine I just bought new not along ago. I have a small postage scale, an inkjet printer and a larger scale for weighing heavier items. I have a wooden cabinet that holds my microwave. Plates, bowls and the popcorn maker is in the bottom of the cabinet.
I have a square plastic table against the wall between the bathroom and the closet. I use it now for my coffee maker, hot pot and two plastic bins that hold silverware.
Above the clothes closet and on some of the shelves in the master bathroom inside this bedroom I have food, coffee, tea, electric hot plate, instant pot, towels, wash cloths, paper towels, my moms shoebox of papers and pictures stored.
There is a cutout in the wall between the bath and closet with two shelves that hold spices, candles and miscellaneous items.
I have a 9 drawer metal frame cloth dresser I purchased at Walmart a few months ago. On top of it is my 32" fire tv I bought cheap 79 dollars at Best Buy last year.
A stack of 3 ring binders and paper notebooks containing my journals are in here. All of my important documents birth certificates, marriage licenses, 2 divorce decrees, etcetera are in dark blue folders on top of my desk.
A black portfolio holds in diploma from 1985 when I graduated from Bryan Institute in Overland Park, Kansas with a degree in computer programming and accounting. Other important items are in the portfolio.
The bathroom drawers and cabinets are full.
One day I will have all of my things together in one room and when I leave it will be so much easier to pack up everything in one small truck and make one trip.
I have emeril pots and pans downstairs that were a gift from my son and daughter in law many years ago. I have several vacuum cleaners. A couple of plastic totes of pictures, a tote with a small sewing machine and a slide viewer, two sewing boxes are also mine.
A small lamp I bought cheap at Walmart. A wooden jewelry box filled with obituaries and trinkets throughout the years of my life.
The microwave is his. He bought it for 20 bucks on craigslist years ago. He can have it. I will leave it lying on the floor in the bedroom when I leave here.
I need my own place. I need to disappear completely, get a passport so I can travel and be gone for at least 6 months away from here, away from him.
He needs to have me gone, be rid of me, live without me for an extended period of time or maybe forever.
I could file for divorce and later file for social security as a divorced woman and collect benefits on his account then I would probably get the same retirements benefits he gets which is double what I get which is now 544 a month. His is 1089.
I need peace for the rest of my life. I need it now.
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