i was 25. he was 26
as a child i was addicted to the radio and tv television. escape methods from insanity at home.
is this common?
Monday, July 21, 2025
Sunday, July 20, 2025
intense dreams during baos. usually nightmares
had a very bad one recently . slept in my recliner thot it was that chair. now i know it isnt the chair . still have bad dreams sleeping in the floor. i eake up crying in the morning also.
dream interpretatiion driving van up staircase
540 to 7 pm july 20 2025 sunday. crying eyes out before falling asleep. up at 9 am asleep around 230 to 3 am
tjust woke up from nap. intense dream. mike driving old brown chevy xab uup tight stair spiral against my will wishes.
damon was with us. he needed his diaper changed full of pee.
his destination a place building full of rooms halls childrens bathrooms
i couldnt find my big purse bag carry all. u thought it fell out the van diir because he was driving too fast tight curves .
swimming i wanted he blocked
i an dying if thiret need water
he needs to beat up his partner whoever it is
to feel superior better smarter than her/him
girlfriend wife co worker relative sister mother brother
Bug infested rat hole house. Front looks fine. Inside filthy
I live in this bug infested nest . I am tired and sick and sneezing all the time. Feel like shit most of the time in here. Suicidal.
ants all over in master bath
spiders everywhere inside and outside
dust mites june bugs stink bugs millipedes centipedes roly pollies mosquitoes flies housefly fruitfly gnats ticks body mites fleas chiggers
sometimes roaches
thorough deep cleaning impossible because he is in the way at all times
shit junk piled up around the outside of house and piles and boxes of tons of useless crap cardboard papers newspapers inside the house.
Wifey Me: NO MORE. The other woman has all the benefits
other one not owned is treated like gold.
she is adored wanted desired respected sought after
she never begs or pleads for anything
she is showered glorified given everything
she is never a people pleaser
Don't like
crowds, earling mornings 7 am to 10 am
being rushed, pushed, forced
being forced to deal with alot of people esp grumpy complaiining bithcing whiners
clutter, filth, piles of anything and many piles of mixed up stuff things
stinking smelly anything includes people, animals, dirty laundry clothes, rooms,
people pushing me or themselves to be first
impatience, rudeness,
being interrupted in anything; thoughts, work, cooking, talking, moving, walking,
being stopped
being questioned
Nervous habits throughout my life
thru the years..
fingernail biting
alcohol ingestion
smoking
fearing unfaithfulness of partner
seeking company due to loneliness
overworking
oversleeping
not sleeping enough
excess coffee tea food
reading too much
movie tv show watching binges
sex overdoing hours
telephone talking for hours on end
over talking to people strangers or familiars
no talking silent treatment
hibernating
excess self criticism
perfectionism
fantasizing
He works hard physically
And I noticed today his hands shaking uncontrollably while working on my van.
His movements in work is slowing down and thought processes are slowing, showing some forgetfulness and confusion.
He works and tries very hard especially in mechanical things. I dont think he is aware of his shaking, slowing down and aging functions and appearance.
I dont think he is as aware of himself as he is of external things.
Saturday, July 19, 2025
Thursday, July 17, 2025
Dad July 17, 1927 would have been 98 today
We used to celebrate our birthdays together in July. 2002 summer must have been the last time. He passed January 28, 2003.
He took me to many places to eat. Golden Corral in Independence, Missouri..it was on Noland Road. Outback Steakhouse. Mr. Steak in Independence had all you can eat crab legs. I took my time eating that crab. Loved to break apart the claws and fish out the meat.
Arthur Bryant's barbecue downtown Kansas City, Missouri. Gates bbq.
We also had many family get togethers, picnics, outings, lunches and dinners.
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
Don't dwell on what went wrong.
Don't dwell on what went wrong.
Instead focus on what to do next. Spend your
energies on moving forward toward finding the answer. Denis Waitley
Monday, July 14, 2025
he threw a fit again today
this one generated because i told him i am throwing away a broken cheap food processor crofton xb9018 i bought for 3 dollars at a thrift store
he doubled up raised right fist. said shut the fuck up. told me i was stupid . said maybe youre the trash
accused me of slamming my bedroom door
Rage begins in the self, in the home
extending from the self
first existing in individual
ending up in home. work. job. neighborhood. family
the killers rage
criminals rage
is driven from within himself or herself
I wish the nights were longer
the days and years were longer
I wish I was 21 again for 40 years and had knowledge then it took me 64 years to learn
Sunday, July 13, 2025
Saturday, July 12, 2025
Hygiene. Cleanliness. Self awareness
Aware of where I am/where you are.
All body movements. Touching anything with hands, feet, fingers, body.
Friday, July 11, 2025
Work tail off all day to live in a nice safe neighborhood
work most of the day and spend time sleeping safely at home.
the cost for safety in a neighborhood so one can get a good nights rest is very high
Wednesday, July 9, 2025
If you are like the 5 or more people closest to you then
I need to do some serious friend changing
current and former associates are a mess
Tuesday, July 8, 2025
Horse back riding grandpa took me when I was 10, 11, 12 or 13
I was a little girl
He took me to benjamin stables in kansas city, missouri. Ironically enough, it was located not far from this house I have lived in since December 15, 1991.
I cried when he kicked the horse because he wanted it to go faster. That was grandpa LeRoy's personality. Push, shove, have no empathy. Strong drive for strenuous physical activity daily. Early riser.
I cried when he rammed the old horse's side and yelled at it cussing "go faster goddammit". He was paying for our ride. I felt so sorry for the old horse and upset with his yelling as he often did.
He took me to see Bambi when I was 5. I cried. Bambi's mother was killed by deer hunters in the woods.
He and I were watching some western movie about cowboys and indians. Wagons were getting robbed, looted and people were assaulted, shot stabbed, killed. Women were abducted and raped in the movie. I was only about 12 or 13 years old. Immediately I asked "What if she was on her period and wearing tampon and he tried to rape her?"
Grandpa shirked, smirked as if it was no big deal and said something like "Well I guess she would have to take it out, wouldn't she?"
Monday, July 7, 2025
Ps of engineering. Planning prevents poor performance
learned back in 1984 early 80s from engineer step father in law
One of the most difficult, time consuming things to do: Plan ahead on anything.
Unpredictable people and things that happen out of "nowhere" sometimes alter my or anyone's plans.
Being flexible, free flowing, adaptable and going to plan "b", c, d, e, etcetera is possibly the most important quality of a person's character they can have. Mutating, changing, learning to go with changes.
Found out it is also a military saying. Previous prior planning prevents piss poor performance.
Days I have lived. July 7, 1961 to July 7, 2025 Correction: Days I have been alive but not LIVED
From and including: Friday, July 7, 1961
To and including: Monday, July 7, 2025
Result: 23,377 days
It is 23,377 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or 64 years, 1 day including the end date.
Or 768 months, 1 day including the end date
Correction: Days I have been alive but not LIVED
Sunday, July 6, 2025
He called me
before trip to branson sunday night june 29 2025
trip to kc chiefs stadium party. someone gave him free tickets most expensive seats in house. took his girlfriend
trip to overland park festival october 2024 her birthday
all trips involved common denominator kayla going
Dad. Born July 27, 1927. Died January 28, 2003
From and including: Wednesday, July 27, 1927
To and including: Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Result: 27,580 days
It is 27,580 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or 75 years, 6 months, 2 days including the end date.
Or 906 months, 2 days including the end date.
Mom. Born May 14, 1939. Died December 14, 2003
https://www.timeanddate.com/date/durationresult.html?m1=05&d1=14&y1=1939&m2=12&d2=14&y2=2003&ti=on
From and including: Sunday, May 14, 1939
To and including: Sunday, December 14, 2003
Result: 23,591 days
It is 23,591 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or 64 years, 7 months, 1 day including the end date.
Or 775 months, 1 day including the end date.
Saturday, July 5, 2025
Predator minds differ greatly from cooperative minds
As a cooperative person I find it difficult to think like, deal with and anticipate what the predator mind is thinking and likely to do.
I don't want to be a predator or think like one. I don't want to face the truth that predators do indeed exist. Denial of this fact is one of the facets of my personality, falsing believing that people are up to good and will be good if they are treated good. Truth is, the better I am to them, the worse they are.
Living in peace seems to require being aware that these different kinds of people exist and that they will take advantage of any opportunity to destroy peace because they hate it.
Does this mean one should build a wall around themselves literally and figurately, sprititually, emotionally and physically at all times in order to maintain the peace?
Clean, balanced, peace, simplicity, nice things I always liked.
Grandma Sarah used to tell me that me and my little brother Kenny (Kenneth/Ken) always liked nice things and places. She saw it in us when we were small children.
My youngest brother Ken was very neat, clean, orderly, quiet, well mannered, good natured and liked. So was I. Peaceful by nature we both kept to ourselves and did well in school and at home. I never remember getting a spanking and never got in trouble at school.
Our other brother, the third born of our mother and 9th from my father, also liked nice things when he got older. However he was destructive when he was an infant, toddler and youngster. He died at 33 due to being a drug addict and alcoholic.
Friday, July 4, 2025
Fortunate to try stuff got bored with
casino gambling
a little bit. had enough of that bull shit when the neighbor took me over 10 years ago. she would give me 5 dollars. i lost it in slot machines a few times.
she and i stuffed our guts at the buffet. tasted good. paid later with pain. no good.
ex mother in law also did ameristar and paid for my food buffet a few times. she also gambled heavily at the slots.
i got nothing good out of sitting on a chair on my fat ass and watching other fat women and men pouring their money into the cracks and losing it.
discovered i had more fun walking around getting exercise and watching fools and lights flashing
Escaping
various ways methods used
school work workaholic over exercise starving eating too much or not enough
reading anything signs books manuals literature magazines catalogs brochures instructions cookbooks
writing
drinking alcohol
attempting to smoke myself to death cigarettes cigars with tips..it didnt work
acetaminophen ibuprofen for pain they didnt work
3 pots of strong coffee a day
6 to 12 bottles of soda pop a day
a gallon of strong home brewed black tea no sugar or sweetener
fasting
gorging
cleanse parasite liver gallbladder enemas
roast in hot sun
strip clothes off in subzero weather
overdosing on pink pills. threw up
scratching gouging self with fingernails
bashing back of head bathtub cinder block wall
being silent or talking too much for long periods many hours 4 5 6 7 8 10 12 18 24 48
forcing too much in the kitty self
taking care of someone else ignoring myself. does not work. more i do the less they care about or value me. in fact their hatred of me increases
pinching pennies so bad i can hear abe lincoln scream
random splurging on useless things
hiding anywhere
leaving the scene of discontent
choosing solitude when company was no good
Rescuing
a young person i know lives in hell.
the outside world thinks it is heaven due to outside appearances and having all the things money can buy
i know what is going on in there
no one else listens
a miracle of fortune is needed to save this soul
so he can live his life in peace and harmony and grow up to be a wonderful mature man
it will probably take the rest of his life to heal and understand all of the things that have happened
Incognito. wear a mask. go to strange places. talk to strangers
that i will never see again
that someone else / me/ looks poor, plain, unadorned
the other side is rich beautiful and fancy and nobody knows it
Thursday, July 3, 2025
Tuesday, July 1, 2025
Daddys boy. Mans man
both my sons and all 3 husbands
desecrates denounces disrespects women me and mother
not Affectionate or empathetic
woman is for sex maid work doormat slavery
children are robots are punished for differences or disagreeing
New clothes yesterday. Dumped more trash. Donated
a bunch more stuff. My closet is looking better. Bedroom better
Kicked out of the nest or flew off independently
i flew off early. 16 and gone. didnt give a damn what anyone thought. chose my partners
he hung onto mama and family. 31 when we got together. slow to wean.
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This is my house. I'll do as I darn please. A ceramic plaque quote on a plate that I have had for over 30 years. Explains me.