she was born dec 7 1950
i was born july 1961
around 2007 or 8 she decided to quit eating meat. craved bacon. dementia mood swings weight gain massive intake if diet soda and sweets. st johns wort. antidepressants.
she has been at a nursing home since about 2018 or 19
lifelong process .....
no food left out
counters cleaned off lean and easy to wipe up messes as i cook and prepare food
clean as you go esp with food
cleaning floors
dont put food outside. it attracts animals pests varmits bugs insects
vacuum often. daily is preferred
dont eat in front of people or animals
and do anything else but
to go thru my old journals and pictures
my life i spend most of it with household tasks selling stuff and sitting in the bathroom
.....and writing about the crazy man i live with
what a waste of life
buy time
rewrite past
change history
erase words said actions done
repair broken bones or spirits
fix character
clean up your reputation
make people forget or forgive
give you empathy, social intelligence
give you self confidence
speed up nature. physics
defy natural laws
cant have surgery
screws rods wont stay bone loss osteoporosis
dr neurosurgeon said if they can eventually operate the rods are so long they start at t10 vertebrae
wont have flexibility of spine if i ever get it
stiff
he leaves mess full of dirty dishes in the sink often. will wash them if i dont do it however doesnt want to use much soap stands there running water constantly just like when he is brushing teeth and combing hair in his bathroom
has trouble organizing and cleaning anything
bathroom is filthy mess
bedroom, garage, sheds filled with clutter
stairwell from basement to garage stuffed with clutter old rugs, containers
basement windows; one is boarded up the other one covered with metal grate so no one can get in or out
metal grate covered window has an ugly orange rug mate covering window completely
he makes people go cold turkey a thing he would not tolerate well at all
in 2010 i was forced to stop smoking cigarettes by him and almost died because i began consuming massive amounts of junk food
he removed all beer from william, tonys roommate last month not thinking about the consequences doing this to this man who is 73 years old and used to "nipping" all day long
what will happen when he has to go completely without his usual daily addictions and habits such as
sugar
money
freedom
news political
porn
hard manual labor work
high sugar intake
freedom to move about at home and go wherever he wants on a whim
spending money on countless things many which are useless harmful not necessary
physical labor he is used to doing what if he cant move anymore and is strapped down
supposedly to look at tony gomez's roof
yesterday he suddenly takes off around 1130 to noon is gone til 330 pm and supposedly just to go to menards and to cave springs park to walk
Makes me want to touch it grab it , when seeing females nude scantily clad dancing moving exercising
Now you know all you gotta do is put on maid outfits
Way she looks matters oh yes she can get anything she wants when she looks real good
She should understand screwing another when a woman throws herself at me you
Any red blooded male would have sex with....
Legs lead up to crotch is why they are sexy
You're wearing eye shadow makeup mascara..notices immediately
You're not wearing that out of the house, short shorts, anything showing butt cheeks cleavage , camisole fitted , clothes showing shapely curves, high heels sexy shoes, hose netted stockings , any netted see through lacy items,
You were flirting with him.. because you talked to him,
You are not to do yoga in front of anyone even fully clothed
You are not allowed to let anyone in the house when I am not here
You are not allowed to let anyone in a bedroom. Makes people think things
You will not mock me or I will hit you shove push knock you down onto the floor but I can mock you anytime I want
I don't want to listen to what you have to say
I don't care what you want
I pay bills around here I bought you several vehicles I can say and do whatever I want and you will respect me
Saw a pretty black girl and thought if I were black I would go for that
Watching porn is not cheating it's no different than you using a dildo
You haven't been doing your duty
You don't work, you do anything and make excuses to get out of work
You don't do anything around here except maybe the dishes and laundry
Accused me of using sex as leverage
Sure he she liked you because you have a vehicle. They can use you.
At age 31 you are too old to go to school. You owe a student loan, you drink beer and smoke cigarettes. I'm not supporting you if you go you need to work a job and pay bills around here
That's not going to last. Referring to any job or activities I have or had
I don't want you hanging around them, anyone, your going to end up like them. I don't want them coming around here. No visitors.
You're not babysitting in this house
You're not selling Mary Kay amway or anything where people come over here.
I don't want people in here. They use up utilities and snoop around here and will steal things
You dont know what angry is.
How much do you think that costs? Everytime he buys something.
hoarding disorder
causing home and storage units to be filled with junk that collects dirt, dust, mold, mildew, bugs, pests, insects and makes cleaning a very difficult chore
nothing is ever enough
family problems, communication issues with anyone especially those close to them like spouse, wife, husband, children, siblings, mother, father..all
social ineptitude
health destruction, mentally, emotionally and physically
difficulty with decision making. indecisiveness. procrastination..fear of making a mistake couple with impulsive behavior like gambling spending large amounts of money on frivolous stuff
addictions..any kind of like working too much or not enough, sex, accumulating things, alcoholism, perfectionism, smoking, drugs, memorizing useless trivia, political, religious,
critical behavior of others and avoiding self reflection
paranoia paranoid thoughts about people stealing your stuff, lying, cheating, destroying
avoidance behavior
game playing
obsessions
the way you look
how you are dressed
your face facial expressions
your smell scent
shape of body
hair
laughter laughing
smiling or not
avoidance behavior
too outgoing talkative
shy quiet demure acting innocent
activity movement
flesh shown skin seen especially chest rearend butt ass legs waist
dealing with this life this person
dont always know what to expect
chameleon
no test at school is a match for this
psychology of insanity
of mike and marielle
she and he laying there acting weak and innocent
suddenly into a violent rage
putting on sweet voice
hates smoking cigarettes marijuana pot anything
proud of own youthful appearance and beauty
into pictures
food mixing many different ones and gloating with milk and cookies
domineering master attitude
political she demo him republic
not wanting to properly clean house
hoarding
obsessed with sex. she says sex is pain relief. she thinks her privates are worth auctioning for a million dollars. he says its good exercise and a duty of wife. she tries to get it from anybody she can. she propositioned him the day we met her..him i dont know yet.
argues dominates doesnt listen
she plays the victim when she is the predator with many victims .
he plays victim saying people want to take advantage of him
obsessed with money expensive material things clothes her; makeup hair looks appearance
he hated her the day they met said i dont want anything to do with her. was it because he sensed she was so like him?
avoiding angry people at all costs
wasting my time explaining myself to fools ass holes narcissists idiots morons selfish people ..they ask me the dumbest questions and expect me to do stuff i am not capable of doing
starving myself. i started doing it when i was about 11 years old ..at that time it was because i was worried about getting fat due to the constant yelling from my grandpa and grandma about how i needed to exercise, push myself away from the table and if i didnt do these things i would be a fat lazy slob just like my mother... later on when i moved into my dads when i was 16 i really learned to starve myself due to yelling screaming about money and food then i got pregnant in march 1978 and was half starved and did not see a doctor obstetrician or gynecologist or any until i was 7 months pregant and by that time i was so anemic had dark circles under my eyes, pale as a ghost, weak as hell and dr prescribed 4 iron pills vitamins a day they were green square mineral tablets.
then the starving continued again when i was married at 17 to a man who would not provide enough food for me or our baby and he did not want me to work ..we were getting welfare food stamps until may of 1979 when we got married. then i had the government stop sending food stamps because i wrongly figured we did not need them. i got down to 104 pounds. i rarely had enough food to eat but my grandma would bring baby food for our son so i could feed him.
i left that man in 1980 july and moved in with a 20 year old male who insisted we live off hot dogs and macaroni and cheese processed food out of a box so in october 1980 when divorce was final i packed all my stuff in my car and left him. i was working at a restaurant and was still skinny as a rail. serving food made me lose my appetite so i would wait until end of my shift to eat my free meal that came with the job at sambos restaurant in lees summit missouri... during oct november until december 31 i lived in my car and would sometimes stay with different people who felt sorry for me. they did not want me to eat their food so i was still malnourished and looking scrawny pretty bad. 2 different people i stayed with fed me potatoes because they were cheap.
starvation began again in early 1990s when my brother and sister in law moved in and had food stamps and they ran out of food and began eating our food so i quit eating one time for 3 days because we couldnt afford to feed all of us with what they were doing. they lived with us more than a year.
eating alone so i can have peace
walking
writing journal diary entries about things that have happened and the words people said straight out of their mouth to me and about others
sleeping at odd times. up late at night. oversleeping and under sleeping.
i used to dance but not much anymore..he destroyed that by stopping me from using the living room for dance floor and blocking me from playing music i like and insulting me for the way i look, how i talk, clean, the way my breath smells ridiculing just about everything about me ... the last few times i danced in the living room a few years ago it ended up in a sex session which i did not want to do. when i exercise dancing swimming or any other way or if i have a massage which is very rare the last thing on my mind is sex
starved malnourished abused intoxicated drugged up people cant think or feel straight or right
overworked under rested pepped up on speed poppers then put out with downers and alcohol and pain pills, only having barely enough rest expected to leap out of bed quickly daily running speeding to work in a frenzy to get money
exhausted in the middle of the day no naps or resting allowed. no peace meditation praying solitude stillness allowed. expected to rush about push themselves into the early grave ground.....
for what? lining fat pockets of elite rich they dont even know .,the elite who take their time never rush rest play and have leisure fun time all they want while they drive the majority around and cause them illness pain misery and often early death as the result of their medications prescriptions necessary to numb their pain physical and emotional , treat their metabolic disorder which was caused by someone else pushing them around to work harder, "do their best" keep up with the Joneses neighbors society and the world
they are taught multitasking is what you have to do when elite would never be caught dead multi tasking
their surgical operations on organs skin and beauty
surgery , facelifts. tummy tucks breast enlargement butt enhancers, dermabrasion. nose jobs. butt lifts stomach stapling
have sex with him he is done leaves the room goes to his room to sleep
feed the cat it .. then it is quiet calm and takes off to go nap
he would rather watch movies and look at pictures of strange women in magazines instead of being a mature grown up man male partner who is respectful and loving to his woman
personal relationships with wife girlfriend spouse at work business are difficult impossible
he thinks he is the boss master in charge superior to the woman . he believes he is smarter and more important than her.
he will dole out material things and money to her sometimes and talk down to her like she is a doormat slave and cant figure out why she is not happy.
he refuses to do things with her she likes
he sits in the chair or on the sofa
he gets in the way while she vacuums and cleans house
he doesn't want furniture moved around
his life is self gratification and satisfying himself as fast as he can often at the expense of others and disregarding others including and especially me
he spends large amounts of money on himself wont give me the time of day
when living with a person with zero empathy who hates my guts
Him " i see scratches on the cutting board mats that came with the kitchen counter. i wonder who did that? theres only one person who could have done that. you!
i told you i dont want those used as cutting boards. see that? i see 2 scratches on there. when did that happen?
you have a no care attitude and i dont like it. i spent alot of money on these cabinets and countertops (installed back in 2002) and i dont want them ruined. "
and the crap went on and on back and forth about a half an hour. i came back with his no care attitude about what comes out of his mouth. about him leaving his personal belongings shoes boots coats shirts clothes gloves in the living room..
he said this is my house and i am not trying to please anyone else.
i said that is the absolute truth with both statements. its your house and you are not trying to please anyone else. you dont care what anyone else wants or how they feel about anything
(i didnt mention the and piles of things boxes large paper grocery sack of his receipts , mail. papers. stacks of misc junk piled on the table next to his recliner chair. tools on living room floor. unused humidifier vhs tapes old holiday cards on wood ledge by the phone he inconveniently put in the middle of the living room
... and piles of junk and junkfood on the kitchen table. he likes to stack up and clutter the kitchen table with bottles of sauce, bags of chips, bars, huge container of taco bell sauce. used tea bag in small condiment sauce cup, fly swatter, dirty napkins, unclean placemat under his plate, jar of peanut butter. etcetera)
Earlier today we were talking in the garage about him thinking about getting a different car and how much money it costs to have a good running dependable car.
I said why dont we have much money? I never had a high paying job. Bosses expect you to go to work regardless of the weather. They dont care if your car rusts to pieces. Here you are fixing major rust issues by doing fiberglass repair on your car and youre the one who has complained about driving in the salt and how it rusts cars since U met you in 1987..."
He had enough of me and exclaimed
"You need to go away! All you do is talk! What good are you doing me?!"
So the notches in his bedpost are less and getting fewer with me. each time he opens his mouth his foot is right in it along with his ass.
And a few hours before dinner he was looking at some homemade vhs tapes i put on the table for him to look at to decide what to view keep or toss. I said i dont trust homemade tapes from other people. I trust the tapes we made many years ago. We recorded 2 or 3 movies off tv on each tape.
He says why dont you trust tapes made by other people! Maybe they put a sex movie on it?
I said it was 2 things i am concerned about. Quality and content. I never thought about somebody recording a sex movie in the middle of something marked otherwise.
I told him i remembered one of those people who helped sell stuff at john laysons estate sale told me she worked in houses of other people who would play sex movies in the living room while she and others were working on getting the sale ready.
he said if someone did that i would think they are trying to provoke me (into having sex)
He asked me what i would do if someone played sex movies while i was working at their house. i said i would tell them i dont like it and i am leaving the premises if you keep playing it. Then i would leave and never go back.
"What if you were attracted to a guy who did that?" he asked.
"I would leave and never go back. Sex tapes are a turn off to me and i wouldnt do anything with the guy even if i were attracted to him. If he played movies like that I am gone forever."
i said what would you do in that situation. he said i wouldnt say anything and keep working.
i said i find that unbelievable with you. if you were attracted to a woman who played sex tapes youd probably take advantage of the situation have sex with her and come back for more .
the day was filled with nasty comments mockery sarcasm hateful atttitude loud voice antagonism from him AGAIN. as usual.
So far I haven't been aware of a person who did not want to feel important. Even the most hardened criminal wants to look good.
No cure for the following: Insanity, paranoia, low self-esteem, arrogance, impatience, impoverished damaged childhood, stupidity, foolishness, curiosity, broken bones or spirit, childish acting adults.
You just know how to talk dont you. just go away. What good are you doing me?
words straight out of his mouth a few minutes ago.
do things for others.
will do things for money. self satisfaction gratification, physical pleasures like eating, sex
clean his room
do laundry, deep clean house
cook or make prepare own food or cook for others
raise children
relate to others
empathize
(will work hard or long hours for material gain, to boost ego, own material things)
seek spirituality understanding
do something for someone else for free
self analyze, reflect
respect, appreciate his mother
enjoy simple things
admit his mistakes. shortcomings
follow rules. laws guidelines
go to the doctor
why have I been loaded with all of these things?
he does many things right. pays bills on time. changes oil in vehicles regularly. maintains house car his truck my van. sometimes buys something for me for my birthday or christmas or randomly like new sheets pillows cases or another thing i mention if i said i like it such as the red plastic bucket he got for me at menards. he typically takes a shower in the morning because he is worried about his hair looking a mess and cant figure out how to wet it with a comb to make it straight, showers after doing hard manual labor in the yard or mechanic work or other dirty jobs.
i believe many years ago when he was a child and teen and in his 20s he was really trying to learn how to do the right things and look good and keep up appearances. over the years and all the accumulation of tons of stuff it has been getting more difficult to keep everything and maintain it all correctly.
he does not seem to understand that bugs insects pests dust accumulate more and more and hide it all places making it very difficult to live in a clean home. once in awhile he will wipe down things and discover just how dirty things are.
he does not seem to understand basic hygiene practices for cleaning and preventing spread of germs and illnesses. he cant understand easily that all things have a shelf life and freezer life and will go bad and not last forever. he always says oh that will be good for a long time, it is sealed, it is in a can or other sealed container.
he has no filter on his mouth and does not understand that he cannot take his words back, that i and people remember and dont forget what he said.
fiberglass auto body work safety rules not followed
used lacquer thinner instead of water and soap to clean paint sprayer with latex paint
gets used clothes and things from thrift stores garage sales does not wash launder says it smells good
reuses black filthy rags for many things without washing
leaves piles of dirty damp rags in his shower causing black mold any color or type
puts his finger around neck of sauce bottles to clean thinks it is ok sanitary
picks digs nose pets cat handles lots of things does not always wash hands before eating or handling food
sneezes face uncovered into any room spreading germs
piles of miscellaneous any and everything into rooms bathroom bedroom garage sheds cars trucks stacking boxes crates shelves into closets does not wipe down move clean remove dirt dust residues
picks up trash scrap anywhere
loads trash scrap junk into vehicles sets piles up against the house
throws tosses food and catfood cans in middle of backyard
tosses garbage food scraps into garden causing more bugs and pests raccoons oppossum rodents snakes
rewears several times and piles up filthy clothes on his bedroom floor due to cost of using water, soap, electricity, washing machine
does not always flush toilet
piles of bottles rags in his shower does not scrub clean walks or shelves in the shower
bathroom not clean. dirty toilet floor walls sink vanity. shower filthy soap scum mold mildew dirt
not using clean sheets in his bed in garage or his bedroom. same old dirty sheets linens for months
tosses dirty and filthy clothes downstairs onto laundry room floor it will stay there until i wash the clothes
tore out old windows installed new in the house. did not read instructions or research info. used flat wood boards on base and expanding foam. not sealed properly. no insulation in bedroom wall south side.
tiles on floors in 2 bathrooms hallway living room kitchen not laid according to professional instructions
master bath trim not finished or installed no baseboard
electric switches baseboard heaters
used old railroad ties south and east side backyard they rotted did it to hold dirt to fill in level yard
trees not trimmed front and back yard
garage stuffed with lots of old useless stuff
many years ago pipe broke in crawl space water leaked burst into wall in back of master bathroom sink when he turned on faucet in front of house. he failed to drain water hose and remove from faucet before winter
chimney fire april 3, 2025 due to him not cleaning chimney and burning firewood daily for 6 months
boarded up one of 2 basement windows, put metal bars over other window so cannot exit house thru either window in event of fire or other hazard
dug out hole east side house installed sump pump the room still fills with water it didnt work right because he didnt research water drainage for this house how to do it properly
he spent 18k at foundation company . they dug deep hole in crawl space under master bedroom floor for draining water during heavy rains
