Today's question upon awakening: was I born to be a scapegoat?
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
mobbing.ca - mobbing: part 2 :: mobbing, bullying and workplace harassment resources:
mobbing.ca - mobbing: part 2 :: mobbing, bullying and workplace harassment resources:
mobbing.ca - mobbing: part 2 :: mobbing, bullying and workplace harassment resources:
mobbing.ca - mobbing: part 2 :: mobbing, bullying and workplace harassment resources:
Mobbing in Modern Society
Mobbing in Modern Society
Mobbing in Modern Society
PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT INFORMATION ASSOCIATION
Mobbing in Modern Society
PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT INFORMATION ASSOCIATION
Thursday, December 25, 2014
How to Tell if He Hates Your F--ing Guts - The Spearhead:
How to Tell if He Hates Your F--ing Guts - The Spearhead:
How to Tell if He Hates Your F--ing Guts - The Spearhead:
How to Tell if He Hates Your F--ing Guts - The Spearhead:
How to Tell If Your Husband Is Abusive:
How to Tell If Your Husband Is Abusive:
How to Tell If Your Husband Is Abusive:
Jealousy
Is your husband jealous? And no, I'm not talking about the time you were talking to that cute guy at the gym. Does he get jealous over other important people in your life such as your family, friends and coworkers? In some instances, does he try to discourage you from being with them? Does he always question where you are, what you are doing and who you are with? If this is the case, he is attempting to isolate you so he can have you exclusively to himself. Extreme jealousy stems from the simple fact that he has lost trust in your faithfulness to him. This lack of trust manifests itself as an extremely possessive attitude, rather than seeing you as an independent individual.
Control
An abusive husband usually displays abusive behavior in order to maintain control over his wife. He will be overly demanding of your time and wants to always be the center of your attention. This control is usually displayed by taking over the finances, car and the activities you partake in. By limiting your independence and strength, you must always rely on and come back to him.
Superiority
Is he always right, has to win or be in charge? Does he talk down to you, put you down or call you names in order to make himself feel better? A verbally abusive husband will try to make himself feel and look superior in relation to his wife. His goal is to make you feel week and look to him for power and strength. In most cases, this superiority complex stems from feeling insecure and results in him trying to gain power over you in order to feel better.
Manipulation
Do you always feel like you get blamed for things that are not even your fault? Well, an abusive husband is usually also a master manipulator. By calling you crazy or stupid, he is mentally justifying his abusive actions by blaming you as the cause for them.
Mood Swings
Extreme mood swings from angry and aggressive to apologetic and loving are signs of an abusive relationship. This is just another form of manipulation. The apology always follows the abusive behavior in order to convince you that he understands what he did and is sorry for his actions, even though he might not be.
Actions vs. Promises
Does your husband make promises that he will change and be a better man, but nothing ever changes? Abusive men are able to convince you that they are always trying to change. But, this is all an attempt to keep you under his control. Think about what happens every time he says he
How to Tell If Your Husband Is Abusive:
Jealousy
Is your husband jealous? And no, I'm not talking about the time you were talking to that cute guy at the gym. Does he get jealous over other important people in your life such as your family, friends and coworkers? In some instances, does he try to discourage you from being with them? Does he always question where you are, what you are doing and who you are with? If this is the case, he is attempting to isolate you so he can have you exclusively to himself. Extreme jealousy stems from the simple fact that he has lost trust in your faithfulness to him. This lack of trust manifests itself as an extremely possessive attitude, rather than seeing you as an independent individual.
Control
An abusive husband usually displays abusive behavior in order to maintain control over his wife. He will be overly demanding of your time and wants to always be the center of your attention. This control is usually displayed by taking over the finances, car and the activities you partake in. By limiting your independence and strength, you must always rely on and come back to him.
Superiority
Is he always right, has to win or be in charge? Does he talk down to you, put you down or call you names in order to make himself feel better? A verbally abusive husband will try to make himself feel and look superior in relation to his wife. His goal is to make you feel week and look to him for power and strength. In most cases, this superiority complex stems from feeling insecure and results in him trying to gain power over you in order to feel better.
Manipulation
Do you always feel like you get blamed for things that are not even your fault? Well, an abusive husband is usually also a master manipulator. By calling you crazy or stupid, he is mentally justifying his abusive actions by blaming you as the cause for them.
Mood Swings
Extreme mood swings from angry and aggressive to apologetic and loving are signs of an abusive relationship. This is just another form of manipulation. The apology always follows the abusive behavior in order to convince you that he understands what he did and is sorry for his actions, even though he might not be.
Actions vs. Promises
Does your husband make promises that he will change and be a better man, but nothing ever changes? Abusive men are able to convince you that they are always trying to change. But, this is all an attempt to keep you under his control. Think about what happens every time he says he
How to Tell If Your Husband Hates You? Signs the Love Is Gone:
How to Tell If Your Husband Hates You? Signs the Love Is Gone:
How to Tell If Your Husband Hates You? Signs the Love Is Gone:
Is there a way to tell if your husband hates you? "Hate" is such a strong word, isn't it? But, sadly, you feel that your husband has grown to dislike you to such a point that he loathes you. That's a tough emotional pill for any married woman to swallow. The nagging feeling that your husband just isn't happy is difficult to shake. In the back of your mind you can't help but wonder whether you're misreading things, right? You're hopeful that you are but still there are some signs present that indicate that the man you married just isn't feeling any degree of love or affection for you anymore. Is there a definitive way to tell what's going on in his heart without confronting him? There are actually a few subtle clues that may help you to clarify where the connection with your husband stands and whether your marriage really does have a future or not.
Here are a few signs that the love your husband once felt for you has disappeared:
He's not affectionate anymore. A man in love wants to be affectionate with the woman he adores, be it a girlfriend or a wife. Men enjoy stealing kisses and they crave being close to the woman in their lives. If your husband never wants to kiss you and hand holding has become a very distant memory in your marriage, that's a clear sign that his feelings for you have definitely shifted into a less complimentary place.
He's very critical of you. Every relationship goes through periods of time where the couple can't seem to agree on anything. In some marriages, those conflicts wade into personal waters when either the husband or the wife starts firing off hurtful insults. Your husband may have always been critical of you to a degree, but if he's turned it up a notch and it's waded into spiteful territory, that's an indicator of what he's no longer feeling for you. A man who desperately loves his wife will not intentionally say hurtful things to her regardless of how strained their marriage is.
He avoids spending time with you. Many women jump to the incorrect conclusion that their husband is having an affair when he starts working more. In reality, most men who are intentionally avoiding being with their wives aren't cheating. They simply don't know how to get through a few hours with a woman they've come to dislike. If you notice that your husband seems preoccupied with the idea of being away from home more, take that as a clear sign that he's not finding any fulfillment within your marriage anymore.
He forgets important dates. You may chuckle at this sign that your husband doesn't love you anymore, but take a moment to carefully consider it. Yes, some men are notoriously bad at remembering significant dates in their wife's life or within their marriage, but there's a point
How to Tell If Your Husband Hates You? Signs the Love Is Gone:
Is there a way to tell if your husband hates you? "Hate" is such a strong word, isn't it? But, sadly, you feel that your husband has grown to dislike you to such a point that he loathes you. That's a tough emotional pill for any married woman to swallow. The nagging feeling that your husband just isn't happy is difficult to shake. In the back of your mind you can't help but wonder whether you're misreading things, right? You're hopeful that you are but still there are some signs present that indicate that the man you married just isn't feeling any degree of love or affection for you anymore. Is there a definitive way to tell what's going on in his heart without confronting him? There are actually a few subtle clues that may help you to clarify where the connection with your husband stands and whether your marriage really does have a future or not.
Here are a few signs that the love your husband once felt for you has disappeared:
He's not affectionate anymore. A man in love wants to be affectionate with the woman he adores, be it a girlfriend or a wife. Men enjoy stealing kisses and they crave being close to the woman in their lives. If your husband never wants to kiss you and hand holding has become a very distant memory in your marriage, that's a clear sign that his feelings for you have definitely shifted into a less complimentary place.
He's very critical of you. Every relationship goes through periods of time where the couple can't seem to agree on anything. In some marriages, those conflicts wade into personal waters when either the husband or the wife starts firing off hurtful insults. Your husband may have always been critical of you to a degree, but if he's turned it up a notch and it's waded into spiteful territory, that's an indicator of what he's no longer feeling for you. A man who desperately loves his wife will not intentionally say hurtful things to her regardless of how strained their marriage is.
He avoids spending time with you. Many women jump to the incorrect conclusion that their husband is having an affair when he starts working more. In reality, most men who are intentionally avoiding being with their wives aren't cheating. They simply don't know how to get through a few hours with a woman they've come to dislike. If you notice that your husband seems preoccupied with the idea of being away from home more, take that as a clear sign that he's not finding any fulfillment within your marriage anymore.
He forgets important dates. You may chuckle at this sign that your husband doesn't love you anymore, but take a moment to carefully consider it. Yes, some men are notoriously bad at remembering significant dates in their wife's life or within their marriage, but there's a point
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Why I am broke.
Don't know why I have a broken back but I know a few reasons why I am broke.
Never filed a lawsuit.
Haven't won any lottery.
Chose to be a one woman man and put all my eggs in one basket: big mistake.
Never got a patent on things I invented.
Made unwise, poor decisions on the choices I could make in the main people in my life.
Wrong associations and wrong places. The worst things anyone can do.
Believing the myth that I could turn a hater into a lover by loving them. Wrong!
Don't know why I have a broken back but I know a few reasons why I am broke.
Never filed a lawsuit.
Haven't won any lottery.
Chose to be a one woman man and put all my eggs in one basket: big mistake.
Never got a patent on things I invented.
Made unwise, poor decisions on the choices I could make in the main people in my life.
Wrong associations and wrong places. The worst things anyone can do.
Believing the myth that I could turn a hater into a lover by loving them. Wrong!
Consensus is I am not liked. Politely tolerated by neighbors, family and strangers. Avoided and
ignored in groups and at nearly all places of employment at any type of job I've held in my
entire work history. Isolated, rejected, humiliated, minimized and demoralized by the husband.
A friend, neighbor or family member only calls me as a last resort to fill in if they can't get anyone
else to go or if the person they originally invited backs out. People only invite me to family gatherings
out of politeness and a sense of obligation and when I am there I am often mocked, criticized, shunned,
contradicted and ignored.
The facts are in the stark evidence of my life: I have very few associates, infrequent contact with them
by phone or in person, rarely have visitors and when I do the husband dominates the conversation, the
activities and the length of the visit.
No one calls just to talk or to see how I am doing; they always want something out of me.
I am the butt end of everyone's joke. I wonder what they say about me behind my back.
I hope it's funny. I hope they laugh and it makes them feel good to laugh at someone.
ignored in groups and at nearly all places of employment at any type of job I've held in my
entire work history. Isolated, rejected, humiliated, minimized and demoralized by the husband.
A friend, neighbor or family member only calls me as a last resort to fill in if they can't get anyone
else to go or if the person they originally invited backs out. People only invite me to family gatherings
out of politeness and a sense of obligation and when I am there I am often mocked, criticized, shunned,
contradicted and ignored.
The facts are in the stark evidence of my life: I have very few associates, infrequent contact with them
by phone or in person, rarely have visitors and when I do the husband dominates the conversation, the
activities and the length of the visit.
No one calls just to talk or to see how I am doing; they always want something out of me.
I am the butt end of everyone's joke. I wonder what they say about me behind my back.
I hope it's funny. I hope they laugh and it makes them feel good to laugh at someone.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Looking for love and I never found it.
Instead I found hate, jealousy, anger, spite, revenge, lies and manipulation.
Psychopaths, paranoid schizophrenics, pathological liars, drug addicts, alcoholics and ocds
and greedy hoarders.
Criminals, burglars, thieves, cheats, rapists, molesters, sex addicts and maniacs.
Instead I found hate, jealousy, anger, spite, revenge, lies and manipulation.
Psychopaths, paranoid schizophrenics, pathological liars, drug addicts, alcoholics and ocds
and greedy hoarders.
Criminals, burglars, thieves, cheats, rapists, molesters, sex addicts and maniacs.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
December 17, 2014 evening conversation.
Youre' worthless.
You don't help me with anything around here. You don't help me work on the house.
You don't help me work on the cars/vehicles. What good are you, anyway?
I'm gonna get rid of you.'
I ought to punch your right in the face.
We're gonna get a divorce.
You've had a free ride too long.
You haven't paid much of anything around here since you've been here
over twenty years.
How much have you paid in bills this year, maybe 300 dollars? That's nothing
compared to what I paid. You've never paid 50% of the bills.
You have no business. You never had. You call listing things on ebay and the
internet a job. That's no business selling a few things here and there for a dollar.
You never listen to anything I say. I told you to "blah, blah, blah" and you didn't
do it. Now looked what has happened.
Why don't you get a part time minimum wage job at the thrift store? At least it
would help a little to pay some of the bills around here. Oh, no, you can't do
that, you're too good for that, aren't you?
There's nothing wrong with you but mental problems. You can work at a thrift store.
Other women do it, so can you. You're just lazy and don't want to do it.
What can you do, anyway? Nothing. All you do is talk.
You think you know everything.
Resume? Hah, you have no resume. What are you gonna put on your resume, that you've
been sitting at home selling on the internet for years?
Only professional people have resumes.
Youre' worthless.
You don't help me with anything around here. You don't help me work on the house.
You don't help me work on the cars/vehicles. What good are you, anyway?
I'm gonna get rid of you.'
I ought to punch your right in the face.
We're gonna get a divorce.
You've had a free ride too long.
You haven't paid much of anything around here since you've been here
over twenty years.
How much have you paid in bills this year, maybe 300 dollars? That's nothing
compared to what I paid. You've never paid 50% of the bills.
You have no business. You never had. You call listing things on ebay and the
internet a job. That's no business selling a few things here and there for a dollar.
You never listen to anything I say. I told you to "blah, blah, blah" and you didn't
do it. Now looked what has happened.
Why don't you get a part time minimum wage job at the thrift store? At least it
would help a little to pay some of the bills around here. Oh, no, you can't do
that, you're too good for that, aren't you?
There's nothing wrong with you but mental problems. You can work at a thrift store.
Other women do it, so can you. You're just lazy and don't want to do it.
What can you do, anyway? Nothing. All you do is talk.
You think you know everything.
Resume? Hah, you have no resume. What are you gonna put on your resume, that you've
been sitting at home selling on the internet for years?
Only professional people have resumes.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Deserve. Who is qualified to determine who deserves anything?
Deserve. Who is qualified to determine who deserves anything? Who qualifies this person that is capable of appropriately judging all things? What kind of an entity is fit to judge, determine and make decisions for me or for anyone?
Fairness and equality (sameness) do not exist except in the fantasy world of the human mind.
50/50 is bullshit. I am not you, you are not me. Each being is unique and one is not better than the other any
more than an apple is better than an orange.
Sarah Wilson Stillwell
12-18-2014
Fairness and equality (sameness) do not exist except in the fantasy world of the human mind.
50/50 is bullshit. I am not you, you are not me. Each being is unique and one is not better than the other any
more than an apple is better than an orange.
Sarah Wilson Stillwell
12-18-2014
In this situation, this place with this person, I am only to be a reflection and never the source
In this situation, this place with this person, I am only to be a reflection and never the source.
Terrorist Threat Legal Definition
Terrorist Threat Legal Definition
Terrorist Threat Legal Definition
A terroristic threat is a crime generally involving a threat to commit violence communicated with the intent to terrorize another, to cause evacuation of a building, or to cause serious public inconvenience, in reckless disregard of the risk of causing such terror or inconvenience. It may mean an offense against property or involving danger to another person that may include but is not limited to recklessly endangering another person, harassment, stalking, ethnic intimidation, and criminal mischief.
The following is an example of a Texas statute dealing with terroristic threats:
TERRORISTIC THREAT
(a) A person commits an offense if he threatens to commit any offense involving violence to any person or property with intent to:
cause a reaction of any type to his threat[s] by an official or volunteer agency organized to deal with emergencies;
place any person in fear of imminent serious bodily injury;
prevent or interrupt the occupation or use of a building; room; place of assembly; place to which the public has access; place of employment or occupation; aircraft, automobile, or other form of conveyance; or other public place;
cause impairment or interruption of public communications, public transportation, public water, gas, or power supply or other public service;
place the public or a substantial group of the public in fear of serious bodily injury; or
influence the conduct or activities of a branch or agency of the federal government, the state, or a political subdivision of the state.
Terrorist Threat Legal Definition
A terroristic threat is a crime generally involving a threat to commit violence communicated with the intent to terrorize another, to cause evacuation of a building, or to cause serious public inconvenience, in reckless disregard of the risk of causing such terror or inconvenience. It may mean an offense against property or involving danger to another person that may include but is not limited to recklessly endangering another person, harassment, stalking, ethnic intimidation, and criminal mischief.
The following is an example of a Texas statute dealing with terroristic threats:
TERRORISTIC THREAT
(a) A person commits an offense if he threatens to commit any offense involving violence to any person or property with intent to:
cause a reaction of any type to his threat[s] by an official or volunteer agency organized to deal with emergencies;
place any person in fear of imminent serious bodily injury;
prevent or interrupt the occupation or use of a building; room; place of assembly; place to which the public has access; place of employment or occupation; aircraft, automobile, or other form of conveyance; or other public place;
cause impairment or interruption of public communications, public transportation, public water, gas, or power supply or other public service;
place the public or a substantial group of the public in fear of serious bodily injury; or
influence the conduct or activities of a branch or agency of the federal government, the state, or a political subdivision of the state.
Bullies are not born, they are raised
Bullies are not born, they are raised
Bullies are not born, they are raised
Katie Hurley | Physician | April 17, 2012
People often wonder what causes children to bully. Why is it that some children feel the need to hurt and humiliate other children? What do they really stand to gain from this cruel behavior?
Some studies indicate that some (not all) bullies have naturally aggressive and/or hyperactive personalities from the start. Some. But that doesn’t mean that all “spirited” kids will bully while all “mellow” kids will be perfectly empathic and kind. Those are just a couple of traits that have been identified in some bullies.
The truth is that bullies are not born into this world. Bullies are raised.
Bullying, at its core, is a learned behavior that is used in response to stress. Bullying is an attempt to gain superiority or control over another.
Bullies do tend to have a few things in common:
Immature social skills
Lack of compassion and empathy
Poor impulse control
Watch more aggressive TV shows and play more aggressive video games
Due to immature social skills, bullies tend to view threats where there are none and identify other kids as hostile when they are not. Accidentally bump into a bully in line at the cafeteria, and a fight might erupt based on a snap judgment. Due to lack of compassion and empathy, bullies have difficulty understanding how others feel and they are unable to accurately decode situations in which other kids are actually attempting to show empathy toward them.
Although it can be difficult to find compassion for a bully, particularly when your child is the target of one, there is generally a reason behind the bullying. That’s not to say that bullies should not face consequences. They should. And zero tolerance is the only way to truly eradicate bullying.
It can be useful, however, to understand some of the reasons why kids become bullies:
1. Strained parental relationships. Bullies often lack warm, caring, and involved parents. Parents of bullies tend to be highly competitive and place unreasonable demands on their children to be superior to other kids (academically, socially, athletically, etc.). These parents often have prejudices based on race, sex, wealth, and achievements. They teach their children to compete at all costs, and to win by whatever means.
2. Inconsistent discipline. Bullies often lack consistent discipline at home. Their parents tend to have difficulty setting limits and/or struggle to hold them accountable for their behavior.
3. Poor academic performance. Some kids bully in response to academic stress. When they struggle in the classroom and feel that they are not being helped, they may begin to lose hope. When hope is lost, children act out. This can translate to bullies seeking “revenge” on the higher achieving kids.
4. Unsupportive peer networks. Children who are isolated and feel disliked or unsupported by peers often turn to bullying to gain some social control. Their distorted thinking causes them to believe that controlling other kids = having friends.
5. Child abuse. There is ample evidence that children who are physically abused by their parents turn around and bully other kids. These same kids are likely to develop anxiety, depression, and drug & alcohol problems and will probably abuse their own kids later in life. Abuse is cyclical.
6. Victims of bullies. Many bullies have actually been victims of bullies at another time. Due to lack of support, poor social skills, and relying on learned behaviors, these kids use bullying behaviors to try to gain superiority and control so that they will no longer be victimized.
7. Low self-esteem. When you add up all of the possibilities, it should come as no surprise that bullies tend to struggle with self-esteem. The outward behaviors they choose to show mask their true inner feelings. They lack self-confidence, struggle to fit in, and are often ridiculed and marginalized by their own parents and/or siblings.
There are steps we can take to avoid raising bullies. I can’t stress to you enough the importance of building positive relationships with your children. They need to feel loved, supported, and heard by their parents. They will make poor choices at times and fail where we wish they would succeed, but they are our children, and we need to love them anyway.
Below are a few tips to work on building those positive relationships:
Praise them often. Praise their big accomplishments as well as the little things that make them great every day.
Listen when they need to be heard.
Help them problem solve.
Encourage positive peer relationships.
Build positive sibling relationships. Avoid comparisons, as this breeds unhealthy competition among siblings.
Set limits and hold them accountable for their behavior.
Teach empathy every day.
Carve out special time with each child and spend that time doing something that you both enjoy.
Talk often, even when you think they are not listening.
Stay calm; model appropriate conflict resolution skills.
Decrease exposure to violent TV, movie, and video content.
Be present.
There is some good news in all of this. Bullies are not born; bullies are raised. We have the opportunity to raise children who will choose to be empathic, kind, and loyal friends. All we have to do is teach them those skills.
How has bullying touched your life?
Bullies are not born, they are raised
Katie Hurley | Physician | April 17, 2012
People often wonder what causes children to bully. Why is it that some children feel the need to hurt and humiliate other children? What do they really stand to gain from this cruel behavior?
Some studies indicate that some (not all) bullies have naturally aggressive and/or hyperactive personalities from the start. Some. But that doesn’t mean that all “spirited” kids will bully while all “mellow” kids will be perfectly empathic and kind. Those are just a couple of traits that have been identified in some bullies.
The truth is that bullies are not born into this world. Bullies are raised.
Bullying, at its core, is a learned behavior that is used in response to stress. Bullying is an attempt to gain superiority or control over another.
Bullies do tend to have a few things in common:
Immature social skills
Lack of compassion and empathy
Poor impulse control
Watch more aggressive TV shows and play more aggressive video games
Due to immature social skills, bullies tend to view threats where there are none and identify other kids as hostile when they are not. Accidentally bump into a bully in line at the cafeteria, and a fight might erupt based on a snap judgment. Due to lack of compassion and empathy, bullies have difficulty understanding how others feel and they are unable to accurately decode situations in which other kids are actually attempting to show empathy toward them.
Although it can be difficult to find compassion for a bully, particularly when your child is the target of one, there is generally a reason behind the bullying. That’s not to say that bullies should not face consequences. They should. And zero tolerance is the only way to truly eradicate bullying.
It can be useful, however, to understand some of the reasons why kids become bullies:
1. Strained parental relationships. Bullies often lack warm, caring, and involved parents. Parents of bullies tend to be highly competitive and place unreasonable demands on their children to be superior to other kids (academically, socially, athletically, etc.). These parents often have prejudices based on race, sex, wealth, and achievements. They teach their children to compete at all costs, and to win by whatever means.
2. Inconsistent discipline. Bullies often lack consistent discipline at home. Their parents tend to have difficulty setting limits and/or struggle to hold them accountable for their behavior.
3. Poor academic performance. Some kids bully in response to academic stress. When they struggle in the classroom and feel that they are not being helped, they may begin to lose hope. When hope is lost, children act out. This can translate to bullies seeking “revenge” on the higher achieving kids.
4. Unsupportive peer networks. Children who are isolated and feel disliked or unsupported by peers often turn to bullying to gain some social control. Their distorted thinking causes them to believe that controlling other kids = having friends.
5. Child abuse. There is ample evidence that children who are physically abused by their parents turn around and bully other kids. These same kids are likely to develop anxiety, depression, and drug & alcohol problems and will probably abuse their own kids later in life. Abuse is cyclical.
6. Victims of bullies. Many bullies have actually been victims of bullies at another time. Due to lack of support, poor social skills, and relying on learned behaviors, these kids use bullying behaviors to try to gain superiority and control so that they will no longer be victimized.
7. Low self-esteem. When you add up all of the possibilities, it should come as no surprise that bullies tend to struggle with self-esteem. The outward behaviors they choose to show mask their true inner feelings. They lack self-confidence, struggle to fit in, and are often ridiculed and marginalized by their own parents and/or siblings.
There are steps we can take to avoid raising bullies. I can’t stress to you enough the importance of building positive relationships with your children. They need to feel loved, supported, and heard by their parents. They will make poor choices at times and fail where we wish they would succeed, but they are our children, and we need to love them anyway.
Below are a few tips to work on building those positive relationships:
Praise them often. Praise their big accomplishments as well as the little things that make them great every day.
Listen when they need to be heard.
Help them problem solve.
Encourage positive peer relationships.
Build positive sibling relationships. Avoid comparisons, as this breeds unhealthy competition among siblings.
Set limits and hold them accountable for their behavior.
Teach empathy every day.
Carve out special time with each child and spend that time doing something that you both enjoy.
Talk often, even when you think they are not listening.
Stay calm; model appropriate conflict resolution skills.
Decrease exposure to violent TV, movie, and video content.
Be present.
There is some good news in all of this. Bullies are not born; bullies are raised. We have the opportunity to raise children who will choose to be empathic, kind, and loyal friends. All we have to do is teach them those skills.
How has bullying touched your life?
How to Avoid Raising a Bully
How to Avoid Raising a Bully
How to Avoid Raising a Bully
What is bullying?
Bullying is a repetitive, deliberate, and intentional attempt to hurt and/or humiliate another person.[1]
Bullying can be a major problems for people of various ages, and school bullying tends to receive the most attention. Many various forms of bullying include: Physical, Verbal/Psychological, Racist, Faith-based, sexist, sexual, homophobic, disability, gifted/talented, and cyber-bullying, all of which may cause much harm to a victim.[2] In fact, bullying has even been linked to depression and suicide. [3]Furthermore, many states in the U.S.A. have made bullying illegal altogether. [4] This most likely occurred due to the link between suicide and bullying. Clearly, bullying can be a major problem for people of different ages and ethnicities
How to Avoid Raising a Bully
What is bullying?
Bullying is a repetitive, deliberate, and intentional attempt to hurt and/or humiliate another person.[1]
Bullying can be a major problems for people of various ages, and school bullying tends to receive the most attention. Many various forms of bullying include: Physical, Verbal/Psychological, Racist, Faith-based, sexist, sexual, homophobic, disability, gifted/talented, and cyber-bullying, all of which may cause much harm to a victim.[2] In fact, bullying has even been linked to depression and suicide. [3]Furthermore, many states in the U.S.A. have made bullying illegal altogether. [4] This most likely occurred due to the link between suicide and bullying. Clearly, bullying can be a major problem for people of different ages and ethnicities
How to Raise Kind Children in a Bullying World (3406)
How to Raise Kind Children in a Bullying World (3406)
How to Raise Kind Children in a Bullying World (3406)
Bully Protection 101
...If your child is in a peer group, it’s only a matter of time before he gets bullied. It’s important for parents to recognize the signs because a child who has been browbeaten won’t always confide in his parents. Joseph White, author of the pamphlet Catholic Parent Know-How: Bullying, What Parents Can Do, says parents should be on the lookout for bullying when they observe their child wanting to avoid school or an activity enjoyed formerly....
Both experts advise instructing children on how to avoid provoking a bully. Parents can teach bully-resistance skills such as ignoring teasing or deflecting it by using humor, White says. If your child is being mocked, "Tell your child to blow him off," advocates Guarendi. "You have to give them that advice even though they may not be able to follow it out; you have to start them on that path. Because if you don’t, then they’re just going to be harassed any time, any place." To help make their child less of a target, White recommends that parents practice effective eye contact, confident posture and problem-solving skills. If the problem is happening on the bus, then they can instruct him or her where to sit in order to avoid the bully.
The majority of bullying behavior consists of being mocked and excluded. While this kind of bullying is not usually life-threatening, it can make a child’s life miserable. As Guarendi says, "Girls are much more prone to form social alliances and cliques. They exclude a girl for their own peculiar reasons — ‘I don’t like the fact that she’s tall.’" Parents need to help their daughters realize that they don’t have to have the approval of every kid, he notes. Having just a few good friends is all any child needs.
How to Stop the Bully
Should you advise your child to fight back physically? "Yes, you have to defend yourself. But if the kid is a lot bigger than you, then you have to think twice," Guarendi advises. He thinks there is a misconception perpetuated that all bullies are weak. "Some bullies will beat the heck out of you. It’s a judgment call."
White agrees that it is okay for a child to protect himself, but in most cases, there’s an adult close by who can help intervene. He says fighting back sometimes confuses the situation and the innocent child gets wrongly accused of being the bully. "A general rule might be that if someone is hurting you, do what you need to do to get away and then get help from an adult." If the situation gets too aggressive for the adolescent to deal with alone, a parent can usually stop a bully by quietly going to the authorities.
Instilling Kindness
At the heart of bullying behavior is a lack of empathy. Laraine Bennett, who co-authored a book with her husband, Art Bennett, called The Temperament God Gave Your Kids: Motivate, Discipline and Love Your Children (recently reviewed in the Register), advises parents to begin helping their children attain the virtue of empathy when they’re little. "Even toddlers can learn to use ‘gentle touching’ when holding a baby or touching a flower. When they’re older, you can ask questions like: ‘How do you think he feels when you said that he was stupid?’ or ‘Why do you think that old man is so grumpy?’"
White recommends parents instill kindness in their children through their own actions: "Take the time necessary to establish a quality relationship with your child. Do kind things for others together, and show your children that you understand and respect their feelings as well."
Never Allow Mistreatment
Guarendi counsels parents to take a strong stand on not mistreating others. Learning to treat others kindly begins in the home with one’s parents and siblings. A hard line needs to be taken when it comes to the mistreatment of siblings. This means doling out punishment, such as loss of privileges, for name-calling, antagonizing behavior and hitting. "The experts have convinced parents that [mean behavior] is sibling rivalry and children do that because that is just the way they are. Well, that’s irrelevant," he says. "The way children are may not be good. No: That’s like saying guys get into pornography — that’s the way they are. It doesn’t mean it’s good."
Children need to be taught that mistreating others outside the home is equally unacceptable and will have consequences. As White suggests, "Plan with your child how to make sure he or she has a reputation for kind behavior towards others."
The Child Most Likely to Be Bullied
Experts on the theory of four classical Greek temperaments, Art and Laraine Bennett believe that it’s the child with the melancholic temperament (cautious, sensitive, artistic, introverted and prone to be dreamy) who’s most likely to "come under the sway of bullies or be bullied themselves."
The introverted melancholic is more apt to be a sideline observer until she feels comfortable enough to participate; she gravitates towards peaceful environments away from the rambunctious playground, and she may be less athletically inclined or somewhat awkward. "This child can be an easy target for the playground bully or the ‘mean girls’ who are looking for a scapegoat," say the Bennetts. "Compounding the problem is that the sensitive introvert (whether melancholic or phlegmatic) is more likely to give in to the bully’s demands, thus further perpetuating the bullying behavior."
Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/how-to-raise-kind-children-in-a-bullying-world#ixzz3MEJjLGgh
How to Raise Kind Children in a Bullying World (3406)
Bully Protection 101
...If your child is in a peer group, it’s only a matter of time before he gets bullied. It’s important for parents to recognize the signs because a child who has been browbeaten won’t always confide in his parents. Joseph White, author of the pamphlet Catholic Parent Know-How: Bullying, What Parents Can Do, says parents should be on the lookout for bullying when they observe their child wanting to avoid school or an activity enjoyed formerly....
Both experts advise instructing children on how to avoid provoking a bully. Parents can teach bully-resistance skills such as ignoring teasing or deflecting it by using humor, White says. If your child is being mocked, "Tell your child to blow him off," advocates Guarendi. "You have to give them that advice even though they may not be able to follow it out; you have to start them on that path. Because if you don’t, then they’re just going to be harassed any time, any place." To help make their child less of a target, White recommends that parents practice effective eye contact, confident posture and problem-solving skills. If the problem is happening on the bus, then they can instruct him or her where to sit in order to avoid the bully.
The majority of bullying behavior consists of being mocked and excluded. While this kind of bullying is not usually life-threatening, it can make a child’s life miserable. As Guarendi says, "Girls are much more prone to form social alliances and cliques. They exclude a girl for their own peculiar reasons — ‘I don’t like the fact that she’s tall.’" Parents need to help their daughters realize that they don’t have to have the approval of every kid, he notes. Having just a few good friends is all any child needs.
How to Stop the Bully
Should you advise your child to fight back physically? "Yes, you have to defend yourself. But if the kid is a lot bigger than you, then you have to think twice," Guarendi advises. He thinks there is a misconception perpetuated that all bullies are weak. "Some bullies will beat the heck out of you. It’s a judgment call."
White agrees that it is okay for a child to protect himself, but in most cases, there’s an adult close by who can help intervene. He says fighting back sometimes confuses the situation and the innocent child gets wrongly accused of being the bully. "A general rule might be that if someone is hurting you, do what you need to do to get away and then get help from an adult." If the situation gets too aggressive for the adolescent to deal with alone, a parent can usually stop a bully by quietly going to the authorities.
Instilling Kindness
At the heart of bullying behavior is a lack of empathy. Laraine Bennett, who co-authored a book with her husband, Art Bennett, called The Temperament God Gave Your Kids: Motivate, Discipline and Love Your Children (recently reviewed in the Register), advises parents to begin helping their children attain the virtue of empathy when they’re little. "Even toddlers can learn to use ‘gentle touching’ when holding a baby or touching a flower. When they’re older, you can ask questions like: ‘How do you think he feels when you said that he was stupid?’ or ‘Why do you think that old man is so grumpy?’"
White recommends parents instill kindness in their children through their own actions: "Take the time necessary to establish a quality relationship with your child. Do kind things for others together, and show your children that you understand and respect their feelings as well."
Never Allow Mistreatment
Guarendi counsels parents to take a strong stand on not mistreating others. Learning to treat others kindly begins in the home with one’s parents and siblings. A hard line needs to be taken when it comes to the mistreatment of siblings. This means doling out punishment, such as loss of privileges, for name-calling, antagonizing behavior and hitting. "The experts have convinced parents that [mean behavior] is sibling rivalry and children do that because that is just the way they are. Well, that’s irrelevant," he says. "The way children are may not be good. No: That’s like saying guys get into pornography — that’s the way they are. It doesn’t mean it’s good."
Children need to be taught that mistreating others outside the home is equally unacceptable and will have consequences. As White suggests, "Plan with your child how to make sure he or she has a reputation for kind behavior towards others."
The Child Most Likely to Be Bullied
Experts on the theory of four classical Greek temperaments, Art and Laraine Bennett believe that it’s the child with the melancholic temperament (cautious, sensitive, artistic, introverted and prone to be dreamy) who’s most likely to "come under the sway of bullies or be bullied themselves."
The introverted melancholic is more apt to be a sideline observer until she feels comfortable enough to participate; she gravitates towards peaceful environments away from the rambunctious playground, and she may be less athletically inclined or somewhat awkward. "This child can be an easy target for the playground bully or the ‘mean girls’ who are looking for a scapegoat," say the Bennetts. "Compounding the problem is that the sensitive introvert (whether melancholic or phlegmatic) is more likely to give in to the bully’s demands, thus further perpetuating the bullying behavior."
Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/how-to-raise-kind-children-in-a-bullying-world#ixzz3MEJjLGgh
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
Your face is the most important part of your outer body visible to others.
Your face is the most important part of your outer body visible to others.
Hair, clothes and adornments like jewelry, belts or scarves are all
secondary. Eyes rule first, next is mouth, chin and neck. Nose and ears are last.
Hair, clothes and adornments like jewelry, belts or scarves are all
secondary. Eyes rule first, next is mouth, chin and neck. Nose and ears are last.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
To those who think a lie can't ruin a guy, a woman or any person's life.
To those who think a lie can't ruin a guy, a woman or any person's life.
What does the Bible mean by 'thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor'?
What does the Bible mean by 'thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor'?
Answer by JohnWelsh
It means you should not lie (tell an untruth) in such a way that it will hurt someone else. The commandment stems from the way in which disputes were settled in Jewish society. If someone was in a dispute, theywere expected to tell the truth to whoever was judging the dispute (usually the priest). If, however, they told a lie (bearing 'false witness' - ie their statement as a witness was untrue) so that the guilty could go free, or, more importantly, the innocent would be blamed, this would breach this commandment. Nowadays it simply means that we should strive to be honest in all that we do. It does not mean that we should never tell a lie, as occasionally a lie is the necessary lesser of two evils. As an example, in the Second World War, the French Resistance helped save the lives of many Jews and other races by hiding them in cupboards or other concealed places away from the German Nazis. If a Nazi asked if they were hiding anyone, telling the truth would almost certainly mean death for the Jew in a concentration camp when they were found. Lying in this case, therefore, would be perfectly justified. Therefore this commandment only speaks out against lying when someone else is hurt or betrayed rather than a blanket ban.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
There are six things that the LORD strongly dislikes, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
—Proverbs 6:16–19
You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit.
— Exodus 23:1-2
What does the Bible mean by 'thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor'?
What does the Bible mean by 'thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor'?
Answer by JohnWelsh
It means you should not lie (tell an untruth) in such a way that it will hurt someone else. The commandment stems from the way in which disputes were settled in Jewish society. If someone was in a dispute, theywere expected to tell the truth to whoever was judging the dispute (usually the priest). If, however, they told a lie (bearing 'false witness' - ie their statement as a witness was untrue) so that the guilty could go free, or, more importantly, the innocent would be blamed, this would breach this commandment. Nowadays it simply means that we should strive to be honest in all that we do. It does not mean that we should never tell a lie, as occasionally a lie is the necessary lesser of two evils. As an example, in the Second World War, the French Resistance helped save the lives of many Jews and other races by hiding them in cupboards or other concealed places away from the German Nazis. If a Nazi asked if they were hiding anyone, telling the truth would almost certainly mean death for the Jew in a concentration camp when they were found. Lying in this case, therefore, would be perfectly justified. Therefore this commandment only speaks out against lying when someone else is hurt or betrayed rather than a blanket ban.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
There are six things that the LORD strongly dislikes, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
—Proverbs 6:16–19
You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit.
— Exodus 23:1-2
I often feel like Celie in The Color Purple.
I often feel like Celie in The Color Purple.
Different woman and era, similar types of personalities
(Celie and Albert).
movies.com SYNOPSIS
Based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Alice Walker, The Color Purple spans the years 1909 to 1949, relating the life of Celie (Whoopi Goldberg), a Southern black woman virtually sold into a life of servitude to her brutal husband, sharecropper Albert (Danny Glover). Celie pours out her innermost thoughts in letter form to her sister Nettie
Different woman and era, similar types of personalities
(Celie and Albert).
movies.com SYNOPSIS
Based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Alice Walker, The Color Purple spans the years 1909 to 1949, relating the life of Celie (Whoopi Goldberg), a Southern black woman virtually sold into a life of servitude to her brutal husband, sharecropper Albert (Danny Glover). Celie pours out her innermost thoughts in letter form to her sister Nettie
Monday, December 8, 2014
The Narcissist Blames You!
The Narcissist Blames You!
The Narcissist Blames You!
Narcissists are notorious for placing blame on other people and not on themselves. Even when they clearly and definitely did something wrong, they cannot- and will not- accept responsibility. They almost always deflect the blame elsewhere. Narcissists either ignore their contribution to the situation or insist that the other person (spouse, child, co-worker or etc.) made them do it. Narcissists know right from wrong, they just cannot allow something bad to be their fault. It is another manifestation of their supreme self-centeredness as well as a protection for their fragile ego. It is also a primitive method of avoiding external repercussions.
The narcissist will blame you for everything that isn’t right in their life, and blame you for what other people do, and blame you for whatever has happened. They will always blame you-even for their abuse toward you. You “made” him do it. If only you weren’t so difficult…you made her so upset she couldn’t think straight…your talking pushed him over the edge…and so on. The child of a narcissist gets cautioned against “making” his parent abuse him. The narcissistic parent will say,”Don’t make me hit you” or “You have only yourself to blame” as they hit the child with a strap or belt.
The narcissist is excessively critical and demanding of his spouse. If you are the spouse, then you know how he requires total perfection from you. However, even when you meet his demands perfectly, you still don’t measure up. The narcissist frequently explodes at his mate (“narcissistic rage”) for what appears to be no reason at all. The narcissist’s rage erupts frequently and violently like a volcano, and those closest to him are the ones that catch his wrath. The narcissist blames the spouse or a ‘scapegoat child’ for absolutely everything that goes wrong (especially if it is his fault).
Narcissists blame…it is what they do…and the reason every narcissistic mother has a scapegoat child is because you must have someone to put the blame onto. ~“Violet”, Narcissist’s Child, 2012
A narcissist may do something egregiously abusive to you, yet when confronted will scream at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish and exploitative behavior e.g., she can’t believe you are so petty and so childish as to balk at her giving your favorite dress away to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.
Narcissists go into rages in which they blame and criticize others. They seem like small children throwing huge tantrums, frightening those around them. The anger of narcissists is not only frightening, it is demeaning. Their criticism evolves from their steadfast conviction that others don’t meet their high standards–or worse, that others aren’t letting them get their own way. “Narcissistic injuries,” or wounds to the ego, are often the impetus for narcissistic rages- which can be manifested as aggressive or passive-aggressive, planned out or impulsive. They feel they are superior to you and that you have displeased them; therefore, they feel you deserve whatever punishment they will dole out.
When you live like this every day-where everything bad is your fault- you learn to live in a state of heightened anxiety (“free floating anxiety) where you are always waiting and expecting the other shoe to drop. You never know when you are going to be blamed for something you had no part in. If you are married to a narcissist and finally decide to leave the toxic situation, the narcissist will blame you for the failed marriage and bad parenting (they have no qualms about blatant lying) in order to “win” in court. Despite the battle that will ensue, the healthiest thing you can do is to avoid or significantly limit the exposure you have to the narcissist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c86fRZno0JQ
http://www.winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/blame-storms-and-rage-attacks-common-borderlines-narcissists
The Narcissist Blames You!
Narcissists are notorious for placing blame on other people and not on themselves. Even when they clearly and definitely did something wrong, they cannot- and will not- accept responsibility. They almost always deflect the blame elsewhere. Narcissists either ignore their contribution to the situation or insist that the other person (spouse, child, co-worker or etc.) made them do it. Narcissists know right from wrong, they just cannot allow something bad to be their fault. It is another manifestation of their supreme self-centeredness as well as a protection for their fragile ego. It is also a primitive method of avoiding external repercussions.
The narcissist will blame you for everything that isn’t right in their life, and blame you for what other people do, and blame you for whatever has happened. They will always blame you-even for their abuse toward you. You “made” him do it. If only you weren’t so difficult…you made her so upset she couldn’t think straight…your talking pushed him over the edge…and so on. The child of a narcissist gets cautioned against “making” his parent abuse him. The narcissistic parent will say,”Don’t make me hit you” or “You have only yourself to blame” as they hit the child with a strap or belt.
The narcissist is excessively critical and demanding of his spouse. If you are the spouse, then you know how he requires total perfection from you. However, even when you meet his demands perfectly, you still don’t measure up. The narcissist frequently explodes at his mate (“narcissistic rage”) for what appears to be no reason at all. The narcissist’s rage erupts frequently and violently like a volcano, and those closest to him are the ones that catch his wrath. The narcissist blames the spouse or a ‘scapegoat child’ for absolutely everything that goes wrong (especially if it is his fault).
Narcissists blame…it is what they do…and the reason every narcissistic mother has a scapegoat child is because you must have someone to put the blame onto. ~“Violet”, Narcissist’s Child, 2012
Why do they have such a strong need to blame others?
Narcissists have a tendency to internalize failure; the narcissist’s emotional response to failure is to feel shame rather than to feel guilt like other people. In order to avoid shame, which the narcissist avoids at any cost, he externalizes blame for all negative events. As he thinks that someone must be guilty, he almost always attributes the blame to others. On rare occasions, such as when his self-esteem is especially high (perhaps through some positive feedback he has engineered), he will accept blame but only then if it can be seen as a magnanimous gesture.A narcissist may do something egregiously abusive to you, yet when confronted will scream at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish and exploitative behavior e.g., she can’t believe you are so petty and so childish as to balk at her giving your favorite dress away to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.
Narcissists go into rages in which they blame and criticize others. They seem like small children throwing huge tantrums, frightening those around them. The anger of narcissists is not only frightening, it is demeaning. Their criticism evolves from their steadfast conviction that others don’t meet their high standards–or worse, that others aren’t letting them get their own way. “Narcissistic injuries,” or wounds to the ego, are often the impetus for narcissistic rages- which can be manifested as aggressive or passive-aggressive, planned out or impulsive. They feel they are superior to you and that you have displeased them; therefore, they feel you deserve whatever punishment they will dole out.
When you live like this every day-where everything bad is your fault- you learn to live in a state of heightened anxiety (“free floating anxiety) where you are always waiting and expecting the other shoe to drop. You never know when you are going to be blamed for something you had no part in. If you are married to a narcissist and finally decide to leave the toxic situation, the narcissist will blame you for the failed marriage and bad parenting (they have no qualms about blatant lying) in order to “win” in court. Despite the battle that will ensue, the healthiest thing you can do is to avoid or significantly limit the exposure you have to the narcissist.
References:
http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/08she-blames-characteristics-of.htmlhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c86fRZno0JQ
http://www.winning-teams.com/recognizenarcissist.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/blame-storms-and-rage-attacks-common-borderlines-narcissists
Saturday, December 6, 2014
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?:
May 29, 2014/121 Comments/in Get Help Today /by brollings
hotline-gaslighting“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”
This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Source)
Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
If any of these signs ring true for you, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online Monday through Friday, 9am-7pm CST. Our advocates are here to support and listen to you.
May 29, 2014/121 Comments/in Get Help Today /by brollings
hotline-gaslighting“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”
This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Source)
Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
If any of these signs ring true for you, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online Monday through Friday, 9am-7pm CST. Our advocates are here to support and listen to you.
Gaslighting Definition:
Gaslighting
- The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy
individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of
reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the
1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
Casting You as the Crazy One
In the classic suspense thriller, Gaslight,
Paula (Ingrid Bergman) marries the villainous Gregory Anton (Charles
Boyer), not realizing that he is the one who murdered her aunt and is
now searching for her missing jewels.To cover up his treachery, he tries to persuade Paula that she is going mad, so he can search the attic for the jewels without her interference. He plants missing objects on her person in order to make her believe that she has no recollection of reality. He tries to isolate her, not allowing her to have visitors or to leave the house.
If this sounds somehow familiar, you have
probably encountered the form of psychological abuse we call
Gaslighting. Essentially, it describes forms of manipulation which are
designed to make the victim lose their grip on the truth or doubt their
perception of reality.
What it Looks Like
- A family member who steals something from you tries to convince you that it belongs to them.
- A person acts threateningly and then accuses you of abuse when you react in self-defense.
- A spouse tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate.
How it Feels
Gaslighting can be a terrifying
experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify
your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging
someone else’s questionable behavior.
A gaslighting perpetrator's fabrications may
be presented so convincingly and with such conviction you begin to
question yourself and your own memories and judgment. You may begin to
fear that other people - who don’t know the truth - might be persuaded
believe some of the distortions.
What NOT to do:
- Don’t equate intelligence with character - just because someone can run rings around you in an argument doesn’t mean they are right.
- Don’t waste your time trying to convince someone who has already made up their mind about you that they should reconsider.
- Don’t argue with a person who is fabricating the facts. Wait for them to return to reality before engaging them in a discussion and do it on YOUR terms - not theirs.
- Don’t allow yourself to be isolated from others against our own better judgment. Insist on your right to have your own friends and family.
- Don’t blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don’t look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the OOTF 3 C's mantra says: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.” You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
- Don’t stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe.
- Don’t go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.
What TO do:
- Remind yourself that you are not to blame for the other person’s behavior.
- Detach yourself from feeling responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
- Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the Personality Disorder.
- Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
- If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self-harm to the police immediately every time.
- Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought
life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one
gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself
and then close the conversation.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or
loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to
learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to
cope.
- Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
- Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
- Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes.
- Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo.
- Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
- Books about personality disorders.
Are you being Gaslighted? | Psychology Today:
Are you being Gaslighted? | Psychology Today:
Are you being Gaslighted? | Psychology Today:
Dear Readers,
In my first blog about gaslighting, I talked about the "good news" about gaslighting - that is, that once you identify this destructive pattern in your relationship, you can change it.
A reader asked me, if it is possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can't identify the dynamic? The answer is YES. The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with your gaslighting partner, where you allow him to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has been compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with your partner.
The process of gaslighting happens in stages - although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.
The first stage is disbelief: when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner - or your boss, friend, family member - that seem odd to you. A young woman I know - let's call her Rhonda, just told me about her second date with Dean. She was shocked when, after a terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop - he told her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and would just see her another time. But, the piece de resistance, was that he called her later that night - (note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the subway, while she took the bus - further, he told her that he was certain there was something wrong with the way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but, ultimately wrote off his behavior as " really weird". In recounting the story, she says it is "weird", and, that he must have a "thing" about buses -- but, she does really want to see him again --- they have so much in common and he is really romantic.
Unlikely that this is going to be an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his own way - and, he has to be right. Rhonda is very attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is likely to explain away his behavior -- at least for awhile.
The next stage is defense: where you are defending yourself
against the gaslighter's manipulation. Think about it - you tell your
boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been
getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best
assignments --- you ask him why this is happening. Instead of
addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and
way too stressed..... well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but,
that doesn't answer the question of why you are being passed over for
these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that - or
redirect the conversation - you start defending yourself - telling your
boss you are not that sensitive or stressed -- or, that the stress
doesn't interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage,
you are driven crazy by the conversation.... going over and over, like
an endless tape, in your mind.
What's worse, is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can't stand that your boss sees the situation like that and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.
The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy - and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends - in fact, you don't talk to people about your relationship very much - none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling -- they treat you like you really do have a problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn't find the "right" kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband's company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to believe he was right - after all, what was more important than her husband. Why wasn't she a more considerate wife? She was unhappy almost all the time - and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that she was a less than adequate wife.
It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie's view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.
**********************************
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out -- take back your reality, and, get more enjoyment from your life and your relationship!
Look for future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Robin
Are you being Gaslighted? | Psychology Today:
Dear Readers,
In my first blog about gaslighting, I talked about the "good news" about gaslighting - that is, that once you identify this destructive pattern in your relationship, you can change it.
A reader asked me, if it is possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can't identify the dynamic? The answer is YES. The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with your gaslighting partner, where you allow him to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has been compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with your partner.
The process of gaslighting happens in stages - although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.
The first stage is disbelief: when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner - or your boss, friend, family member - that seem odd to you. A young woman I know - let's call her Rhonda, just told me about her second date with Dean. She was shocked when, after a terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop - he told her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and would just see her another time. But, the piece de resistance, was that he called her later that night - (note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the subway, while she took the bus - further, he told her that he was certain there was something wrong with the way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but, ultimately wrote off his behavior as " really weird". In recounting the story, she says it is "weird", and, that he must have a "thing" about buses -- but, she does really want to see him again --- they have so much in common and he is really romantic.
Unlikely that this is going to be an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his own way - and, he has to be right. Rhonda is very attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is likely to explain away his behavior -- at least for awhile.
What's worse, is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can't stand that your boss sees the situation like that and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.
The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy - and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends - in fact, you don't talk to people about your relationship very much - none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling -- they treat you like you really do have a problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn't find the "right" kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband's company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to believe he was right - after all, what was more important than her husband. Why wasn't she a more considerate wife? She was unhappy almost all the time - and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that she was a less than adequate wife.
It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie's view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life.
**********************************
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out -- take back your reality, and, get more enjoyment from your life and your relationship!
Look for future blogs to learn more about manipulative relationships, gaslighting, power plays, and how to deal effectively and skillfully with these challenging relationships.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Robin
What is “Gaslighting”?
What is “Gaslighting”?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.
The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self confidence, and self esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim, and replacing it with false information. Because of it’s subtly, this cunning Machiavellian behaviour is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.
The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self confidence, and self esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim, and replacing it with false information. Because of it’s subtly, this cunning Machiavellian behaviour is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
- gaslight[ ˈgaslīt ]
verb
present participle: gaslightingmanipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity:"in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband"Powered by OxfordDictionaries · © Oxford University Press
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Hasty generalization
What Is a Hasty Generalization Fallacy?
Also called the fallacy of insufficient statistics or sample, the hasty generalization fallacy occurs when someone assumes something is true about a large group based on an extremely small sample size. Fallacies, as flaws in logical reasoning in an argument, are seen in both speech and writing. The hasty generalization fallacy, however, is frequently — and often unintentionally — used in everything from formal arguments to casual conversation. Often, it occurs as a result of prejudice or lazy reasoning.
In a hasty generalization fallacy, the writer or speaker makes a claim that because something is true about a sample of a larger group, it is true about the group as a whole. For example, some might say "I have dated three redheads, and they all had tempers. Therefore, all redheads have tempers." This is a hasty generalization because three is not a large enough sample size to accurately determine the temper of all redheads.
Circular reasoning
Definitions of Circular Reasoning (Begging the Question)
"Circular Reasoning is an attempt to support a statement by simply repeating the statement in different or stronger terms. In this fallacy, the reason given is nothing more than a restatement of the conclusion that poses as the reason for the conclusion." {Circular Reasoning by Stephen Hagin}
"Circular Reasoning: This fallacy occurs when you state your claim and then, usually after rewording it, you state it again as your reason. (this fallacy is also commonly called ‘Begging the Question’)" {Logical Fallacies and Causal Terms from The Allyn & Bacon Guide to Writing}
Circular reasoning
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