Sunday, September 29, 2019

Severe burning back pain. Left lower side.

Severe burning back pain. Left lower side.
Bracing myself on entertainment center/stand while standing up now.
Exercises today using resistance bands stretching my legs, feeling
much pain, feeling and hearing vertebra crunch, pop, snap, crack.
Stretching feels good but bone pain never goes away.

Stronger muscles do not make back and leg pain go away.

Slept almost 6 hours last night from 12:30 to 6:30 am (first time in
I don't know how long).. laid in bed moving around and going to bathroom
back and forth until 9 am I finally got up and made breakfast, a rare thing I do.
Cooked from 9 am until 10:45 am when I finished the doing the dishes.
Made 1 pound of bacon, fried diced potatoes and peppers, 4 eggs and toast
for me and my husband.
He said ,"Thank you for making breakfast. I didn't have to go out."

He left at 11 am. I didn't ask where he was going.
Back pain was worse since I ate so I laid down on the heating pad
waiting for pain to go away. It didn't.
Around noon I finally fell asleep until 2:30 pm. 
I heard him making some noise in the house so I knew he
was home.
Out of bed at 3 pm to
go #2 and #1 in bathroom.

Day continued as I spent most of my time in the bathroom until 7 pm.
Finally flushed the toilet, scrubbed it with spin'n'span so the smell
would go away. It rained all day so I didn't go out for a walk.
My back and legs are hurting.
I ache and long to move freely.

My vision is getting worse. I don't have an updated eye exam
for prescription "cyber glasses". last time I had an exam was 3
years ago at America's Contact and Eyeglasses. Still have the
glasses prescribed for distance, which I use more often now when driving.
Am currently using dollar tree $1 readers at 2.50 rating.
Things are blurry. This computer screen is blurry using these
one dollar reading glasses.

I managed to take a shower around 8 pm and very carefully
entered the tub and shaved my legs, holding on to the soap dish
in the enclosure while shaving, as I have done for many years.
Each body movement has to
be monitored slowly and carefully so I don't lose my balance
and slip and fall.

Nine pm ate leftover chicken thigh cooked 3 days ago and some
white rice with carrots, celery and cabbage.  Soon after eating,
the back pain increased tremendously.  I spent the next 3 hours
doing a few stretching exercises with resistance bands on my
feet/legs and arms and lying in the recliner chair in living room
while watching videos on tv chosen by and cast by my husband.

Back pain does not go away regardless of what I do.





Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Narcissist wants to control everything and everyone in their environment.

They will complain daily of something, either about you, someone else
or the world in general.

They are very critical of everyone and everything in the world unless
that person or thing has matched some ideal they agree with.
The person who matched their ideal is often a stranger, one they
will never meet.

You will rarely receive a genuine compliment or statement of
appreciation of anything about you. If they do say they appreciate
something about you it will be followed by a long list during many days of
things they think are wrong about you.
You will be invalidated repeatedly regarding your self,
thoughts, dreams, wishes, desires, needs, goals.
You will be told you are worthless.

They question everything about you and never listen to the answers.
They ask you the same questions again and again as long as you are around them.
They never understand and frequently say "I can't understand ...'' ,
"I don't understand". "Why did so and so do that?"

Their goal: Keep you off balance, knock you off center, question everything you do
and invalidate your reality, deny your self and existence.

Your own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs,
desires do not exist unless they fit into their strategic chess like
game plan of control.

They view themselves as the one and only king; everyone else
is a pawn.
Everyone should be identical to them. Differences are not allowed.

Name calling, humiliation and threats are common daily activities.
"You're weird, you're strange."
"I don't know anybody else who (fill in the blank)."
"I don't know how you or anyone can eat this, drink that, like the smell of that,
enjoy doing that."
"I don't understand how you think." and "You just don't think right."
"That thing you like doing is stupid."
"I don't believe that."
"Why don't you do something useful around here?"
"You are sloppy. You just don't care."
"You're not careful."
"You don't pay attention."
"You don't listen (to me). You don't pay attention to what I say and what I want."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Are you stupid?!!"
"I am not stupid!!!!"
"I know what you're thinking..." (in fact most often they don't know)
"I know how people think. They're out to get you, to take advantage of you."
"You don't deserve that. They don't deserve that." (if it is something good)
"I don't want to hear it."
"Just shut up before I get pissed off and want to hit you."

Your happiness pisses them off.

They manage to waste your time explaining simple things of life so
you are so preoccupied explaining things to them you have no time
to do what you want or need to do.

You are exhausted because simple problems are never solved.
They don't want solutions, to solve problems. They want problems
to continue so they have control and can continue the fights
over meaningless, simple and useless things.
You are anxious because you never know when the next
angry outburst and attack is going to happen.

You remain confused.
You cannot concentrate.

"He loves me, he loves me not" is the daily norm.
You never know where you stand.
Their viewpoint of you changes like the wind.

If you do everything they say they want they change the rules
so that whatever you say or do is always wrong and never
good enough to suit them.

The female only has to look good to attract the male. 
I don't believe I can become an expert at anything. As soon as I think I am an expert, something happens to show me I am not.
Govern yourself and you don't need a government.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Don't start a new project (ie: building something) or learning a new activity or game before bedtime or before you have to leave to go somewhere.

Don't start a new project (ie: building something) or learning a new activity or
game before bedtime or before you have to leave to go somewhere.
If you do, it will keep you awake and alert and make you not want
to stop what you are doing until you are finished.

This is easier said than done.

I have had insomnia for at least 47 years.
This might be one of the reasons why.

I discovered this while watching my grandson. He is 5. I am 58.
Wow, I am still learning things.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Creation and destruction: two of the forces that exist in us humans and in all forms.

Creation and destruction: two of the forces that exist in us humans and in all forms.
Hindering or blocking a person's desire to create causes them to destruct or
self destruct.
I feel I understand this now and was triggered by watching my grandson,
age 5 and by a book I recently acquired written by Eric Bernes in 1947
A Layman's Guide to Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis
and by reflecting upon my experiences in life.

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

When he looks at me he cannot listen to what I am saying.

When he looks at me he cannot listen to what I am saying.
Man's eyes, his vision, rules.

He will hear tones but is unable to interpret what I mean when I talk to him.

If man hears a sweet tone of voice on the telephone he is wanting
to find out more about her to see if she is available and willing to
connect with him, to meet with him so he can penetrate her body orifices.
Is she willing to give herself and give up herself and her identity to him?

He looks at me and watches my movements, constantly trying to determine
whether or not I am a target for sex.
He attempts to figure out what mood I am in. Am I in the mood to allow him
into my body? Am I willing to do what he wants? Go where he goes, eat
what he eats, enjoy the things he enjoys?
Listen to what is on his mind?
He doesn't care what I want. What he wants matters most.


Like mother, like son is also a truth like "Like father, like son", Like father, like daughter, Like mother, like daughter.

Like mother, like son is also a truth like "Like father, like son", Like father, like daughter,
Like mother, like daughter.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

Man wants to be seen in public with young woman.

Man wants to be seen in public with young woman.

The big fight starts when we think our preferences are the only option for everyone.

The big fight starts when we think our preferences are the only option for everyone.

Equality does not exist. Equal means the same. Uniqueness and individuality exist.

Equality does not exist. Equal means the same. Uniqueness and individuality exist.

equality definition


equal

 adjective
\ ËˆÄ“-kwÉ™l  \

Definition of equal

 (Entry 1 of 3)
1a(1)of the same measure, quantity, amount, or number as another
(2)identical in mathematical value or logical denotation EQUIVALENT
blike in quality, nature, or status
clike for each member of a group, class, or societyprovide equal employment opportunities
2regarding or affecting all objects in the same way IMPARTIAL
3free from extremes: such as
atranquil in mind or mood
bnot showing variation in appearance, structure, or proportion
4acapable of meeting the requirements of a situation or a task
bSUITABLEbored with work not equal to his abilities

equal
 noun
Definition of equal (Entry 2 of 3)
1one that is equalinsists that women can be absolute equals with men— Anne Bernays
2an equal quantity

equal
 verb
equaled or equalledequaling or equalling
Definition of equal (Entry 3 of 3)
1to be equal toespecially to be identical in value to
2archaic EQUALIZE
3to make or produce something equal to

I'm betting it's mold in here

 I must have mold on the brain and my whole body is loaded with mold fungi bugs and toxic waste from all of it