He is sinking further down the sewer drain each minute. He maintains delusions.
I used to think it was the food he eats that makes him crazy. It's partly responsible but not completely. I've focused a lot on food and reading labels with him for many years. Some progress has been made with his diet but not much. Healthy food and exercise are not fixing his mental problems.
I attempt to reason with him using logic and questions and fail on a daily basis. He cannot comprehend theories, different perspectives or points of view or other people's preferences.
The world he lives in is in his mind. It's full of shoulds, always, everybody, nevers, all the time, strange, not normal, abnormal, can'ts, won'ts, nobody, I can't understand statements, negatives, deficits, bad things and bad people. He says he can't trust anybody. Everybody is out for themselves and to get something. Kindness doesn't exist.
He says I haven't seen the worst anger in him yet.
He is angry the majority of the time. Chronically. This is normal for him. He expects me and other people to feel like he does and agree with him at all times. If we don't agree we are abnormal.
He said he couldn't live with anyone he knows.
He mocks me repeatedly saying things like oh you think you are a psychologist and you think you know it all.
He is difficult and belligerent. Each thing is a difficult daunting task and can't be viewed as simple easy and fixable. It's a big deal whatever the issue is at hand.
His mind is full of twists and turns into endless spirals of confusion.
He complicates things. He often says "nothings ever easy". His brain is like 40,000 chess games going on at once. He plays the computer chess game daily for hours while he listens to conspiracy news stories.
His public persona seems rational mild and logical as he talks about the news weather physical work he does. He has most of the neighbors fooled for sure. None of the neighbors or people we know have any idea what he says behind their back or the way he treats me behind closed doors.
I can only imagine what he says and does to any other person when he is alone with them. The only way I could find out is if he had a recording device on him at all times.
It's a scary thought to think about what he does without me. Knowing just how shitty he is to me, what has he done to other people and even animals?
Around me he's always worried someone is watching him. When he is sure it's just us he can feel free to have sex, let loose his rage upon me or an animal and sometimes an object. Many years ago he kicked in my bedroom door one night only to repair it the next day because the door wouldn't shut. He generally doesn't destroy physical objects. He'd rather take his anger out on a living being, me being the prime choice target.
I had a brother named John who had a similar rage in his personality. His favorite beat up targets were the women that he had sex with. He was a wimp in front of a man and around authority figures like the police which he had many encounters with as he spent many years in jail. Johnny as people often called him was similar with his dr Jekyll happy go lucky childish side only to do a 180 in 2 seconds flat turning into Mister Hyde Satan himself without warning. Johnny however was irresponsible as hell unlike this man I am married to. Johnny wouldn't bathe often. He stunk. He couldn't keep a job. He'd rather steal from anyone to get money and use it for drugs alcohol and recreation. He would not pay child support regularly. He would not pay any bills. He was homeless for many years and floated around living from one person's house to the next. He screwed any female he found attractive at the moment. He had little self control. He did show some respect to his grandmother and sister.
This man I am married to is very financially responsible and is pretty clean about his body. His house cleaning methods are lacking in wholeness as he prefers one spot cleaning instead of doing a whole room or area at once.
The one good thing is I do have my own bank account and he never asks to look at it and doesn't steal my money. I've always had my own account since I have been with him. He banters around though asking questions about how much money I made and thinks he can know how much I spend and how much I have. He seems to prefer thinking I am broke and he has a lot more money than me. A few years ago when I was selling my friend's stuff and it amounted to more than poverty he began acting worse to me probably because he thought he was losing more control over me.
He imagines he has control over me. He believes money is a major factor. Money IS very important however there are many people who have left dictators and didn't have much money and taken back control over their own life again. Famous and common people have done this.
They decided freedom from the control freak was more important than fighting over money.
My calmness pisses him off. My words of wisdom are stupidity to him. Anything about me pisses him off. He's just mad. Constantly. It's not my job or duty to make him feel better. It's not my responsibility to save him from drowning in the sewer. He chooses misery. I must walk away.
I walk through the fire of the valley of the shadow of death. I look the skeleton devil in the face everyday. I keep walking and come out clean. Pure. Still myself. Until death do us part.
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