before I began working at super flea in the music shop back in 2000
Saturday, November 29, 2025
Why are women females girl expected to
look good at all times
be pleasant and nice at all times
go along with other people comply with their wishes
give up their own interests and take on other peoples like and dislikes
be a chameleon
endure pain and misery and never complain
put up with verbal and physical abuse and not say a word
forgive continually
forget and not bring up the past
be 100% obedient
be tolerant of anything
pretend like they like things they don't
be agreeable, patient, kind
be the little maid, slave, cook, laundress, errand runner, shit cleaner, caretake, child raiser and act like they like it
endure put up with chaos at home and at work and try to be efficient in these messes disasters and unruly messy disorganized rude situations and people
give up their education and careers for the marriage husband family life
be a sex slave doormat and drop their panties at any time he wants it
put up with wild animals and people and never complain
put up with the boyfriend husband betraying cheating on them and NOT go out and have sex or a relationship with anyone else
be virginal appearing in public and a whore at home in private in bed
maintain calmness and sanity dealing with insane crazy people
be accountant bookkeeper financial planner nurse maid all for free without recognition of hard work and efforts
maintain a balance in chaotic home and work environment
look cute at all times
feign pretend to like the interests of husband and children and friends relatives anyone anywhere
give 1000% and get back 1% in return
put forth all their effort and time into relationships and their partner does not do the same
expected to smile at all times
Shape of food i crave
sometimes shape of phallus like that in male. cucumber. banana. gourd. squash zucchini. asparagus
sometimes shape of round which might be feminine. apple peach pear canaloupe melon. lemon . orange. eggs. potato
sometimes creamy or soupy, like that of mothers milk or broth or colostrum similar to chicken broth
sometimes crunchy hard celery carrots chips popcorn
sometimes meat cuts either whole or ground
what determines the kinds of foods craved or the shapes of things attracted to?
Why did I contemplate being lesbian when I was 22
husband and previous males were jerks
i quit thinking of lesbian because the thought of putting my mouth between another womans legs made me sick knowing the blood and mucus coming out of me
and the icky smells of myself
and i would rather have the rod thrust in me like its supposed to be so i can enjoy sex
and i prefer a male bigger than me and with solid muscles not soft padded flesh like women have
and i love bass..deep voice and sounds not high pitched
and i want meat not fruit when i am really hungry
i desire that which i am not
Friday, November 28, 2025
Why do men/males want to be bigger and have bigger? Why do females/women want to be smaller, skinnier?
why do they buy bigger things
more expensive items cars houses buildings business real estate
??
Thursday, November 27, 2025
Truth makes me cry. I must face it.
Truth makes me cry. I must face it.
reality is history and the present
the future is the same as the past
I can wear all the make up, clothes, jewelry and am still ugly as sin mud fence
I can wear all the make up, clothes, jewelry
and will never be beautiful
all the lingerie from anywhere like victoria's secret and all the famous make up brands like estee lauder, revlon, maybelline..any of them will not make me pretty
fashion designer clothes of any kind will not make me attractive
I am an ordinary plain looking undesirable female
Nothing can make me look good
Place in life I have
Place in life I have
used as a piece of meat in place of the girl they really want and desire and love
placeholder, replacement, fill in
surrogate
doormat
slave, maid, cleaner
cinderella
plain jane ordinary
ground up meat
not important
used up dish rag
shunned, ignored, mocked, ridiculed, made fun of, teased, taunted
Tuesday, November 25, 2025
he listens to crap constantly
like its an iv in his veins constant addiction
adhd anxiety
cant maintain normal conversation
interrupts interjects is often wrong assumptions interpretations
hair on me
not much grey
lots of body and facial hair
my eyebrows growing back in
used to have thick black eyebrows
they are coming back
fixed habits
eating shopping working sleeping
doesnt like things moved around
fixed thoughts beliefs opinions
I am a reject
i am the unwanted. the weird. the strange.
a deformed creature that should never have conceived
and born children
Love cant be earned
through hard work money or things
it is there from the beginning.... if it isn't, it isn't love
it cant be acquired
or learned
if you love you will always love
if you are loved you will always be loved from the start
if you arent loved from the git go you never will be
you are hated rejected ignored instantly
recognition is instant and instinctive
i cant grow to love something or someone i didnt like from the start
Saturday, November 22, 2025
Friday, November 21, 2025
Dont want to stop
what i am doing thinking. saying.
this is focus
distractions interruptions block creativity and progress
Wednesday, November 19, 2025
Learned from Grandpa and Grandma when I was a child
Grandpa taught me letters of alphabet, reading, writing, desks, painting, swimming
books, information, learning, teaching, duty, work, yard work, clean up, exercise
along with grandma who enforced strong ethics, prayer/religion..she was christian and went to church evry sunday which I hated because I didn't understand it, the best of food, health and nutrition, going to the doctor, exercise, hand washing, honesty, open/frankness, cleaning the house, vacuuming everyday, laundry...no dirty clothes ever sat around she washed daily, cooking (she cooked and wouldn't let me but made me do the dishes..washing them in the sink first then had to put them into the dishwasher with the scalding ess hot water so hot it burnt my hands and hers..)
grandma said the same things over and over:
be careful of the company you keep. choose your friends carefully and wisely
you are what you eat
i am the best friend you will ever have. someday you will thank me for that
most people surface clean, i deep clean (move all furniture away from walls, clean baseboards, dust with damp cloth
he was a school teacher for 57 years
I "Vant" to be Alone.. I want to be left alone...
Greta Garbo said in movies. My grandfather/grandpa used to mock me and say I was just like Greta because I said this often....
Tuesday, November 18, 2025
January of 1991 to February 4, 1992
November 15, 1991 last night I slept in the same house with him. Ed, my ex husband.
We lived on 108th Street. He had moved in to another house upon filing for a divorce. 7401 E 117th Place
Monday, November 17, 2025
1991 he said "Everybody likes you"
Why?
I asked people questions and listened.
I was nice, kind, sweet, easy going. accepting.
helpful. willing to help people feel good.
gave neck and back and foot massages.
constantly reading and learning from things and people.
work. willing to work on just about anything even if the task didn't suit me.
Had many friends, acquaintances, associates from all walks of life.
Not religious but spiritual
Not political.
flexible. fun loving.
Understanding. People told and still tell me their deepest thoughts in confidence.
Patient
I buy necessities on sale and go to food pantries
2012 january began going to food pantry supplied by harvesters at trinity independent baptist church. every wednesday evening at 7 pm. sat thru sermon for an hour. went every week til end of 2019. took my grandson a few times. also took him with me to 52nd raytown rd church where you walk thru lines to pick out your own food.
at age 16 i began my grocery shopping journey. quickly learned to watch what i bought closely. had to feed more than just myself.
a few dollars (3 to 5) can buy a dozen eggs, 5 pounds or 10 of white idaho raw potatoes, a pound of bacon,a loaf of bread.
or get chili fixins for 5 bucks. 1 can tomatoes 2 cans beans 1 lb hamburger or other ground meat 1 onion 1/2 pkg williams chili seasoning --its the best--or some cumin and garlic.
or whole raw chicken or package of fresh pork chops or a beef roast. pound of fresh carrots.
sales have been happening every week at grocery stores since before i started shopping. i wish i would have learned how to shop way before i turned 16. thru my effort and willingness to learn i have successfully managed to be able to make lincoln scream if i have to
today we have lots of food and i can cook it.
lotsandlots of food
basics: meat, fish, eggs. vegetables. dairy (milk, butter)
, fruit. pasta, cereal, bread (good but optional)
Sweet sour salty bitter hot spicy
pick.
poison is a preference according to your taste.
and you get new buds every couple of weeks
Sunday, November 16, 2025
She has the right idea. Dont get married
28. two kids by 2 men.
be free. opportunities are boundless.
activities are self directed. single is more free than marriage lock down stuck with a dead rock
open.
life is full with choices made by yourself not him being a road block abuser a hole
shes got the best of both worlds.. everything.
wide open.
my aunt also never married . she didnt have kids had at least one abortion age 40. too bad. i would have had a cousin close to my age.
she had it made in the shade. lived on the plaza. dated rich men married doctors gave her lots of money took her out treated her right. she would not tolerate abuse or bad manners. she was a lady in every way .
if i were single i wouldn't date married men. i hate them. i wouldnt give them sex its a violation of my ethics but i would accompany them with an escort to be double damn sure they wouldnt ffkk me.
i could be the tagalong friend of husband wife couple who just has fun talking with them going places at my convenience.
anymore that might be twice a month. i am so tired alot and have erratic sleep and eating .
Making this house livable
a little at a time. Takes much longer than needed due to him blocking stopping delaying fighting me almost every step of the way
I see solutions options fixes and am flexible open adaptable
Hooked
aim of a dealer. control through addiction
get you hooked on something that makes you feel good in the beginning
then later use the addiction as a tool for controlling you
the drug feels real good at first then they with hold it to torture you watching you suffer . you go thru withdrawals . get nervous anxious the shakes ..craving desiring that
piece of sweet stuff the candy sugar alcohol love sex high euphoria
that makes you feel good
one day you suffer thru all the dts and finally realize you dont need the dealer
that sells or gives it free in the beginning
u dont need that quick fix drug or any fast acting high. u need steady reliabilty of natural joy. no artificial flavors colors. voices appearances. no fake faces bodies words pictures or media lies
no short term temporary hooks. just the long lasting slow good stuff with no side affects
He said she was perfect. He would never leave her
about 3 years ago
then he obtained a concubine living in his house with her
Value. What some value most
that which is out of reach
far away. rare. unattainable.
the one who ignores them
the person who doesnt need them
the one who has qualities they wish they had
they wish to own and control the ones who have what they lack
people who seem superior smarter better competent
a person that dies or disappears
things or people that cost a lot of money
people of high status. place in life
Hours daily dealing with food, dish washing, messes made by them. HUGE time waster
Time wasters:
Food searching, prepping, cooking, washing, throwing away the trash food scraps and garbage. Organic food scraps and meat packages that stink to the high heavens if not done properly.
Dirty dishes, glasses, silverware, pots, pans. Constant mess.
He says "It's NO big deal" every time he grabs another glass, a bowl, plate or a piece of silverware that did not need to be DIRTIED.
I am the one wasting my time, energy, money, water, electricity, soap, cleanser dealing with this stuff every single day. It destroys my hands and fingernails, my skin looking worse by the minute. My nails split, peel, crack, break and my hands look terrible and old.
These men in my life : MLS, ECM, MCM, JWL do NOT deal with this shit.
They just want to eat FAST food, ready made, leave the mess, take off and go do what they want to do which is work on some project usually outside then sit around watching screens for hours upon hours on tv, computer, cell phone for the rest of the day. They watch stupid videos, news, some music they like, a bit of porn sex movies here and there when they feel the urge. They play games. One plays chess at any oppotunity. One plays video games. Another one likes things like monopoly and card games like poker, spades, hearts.
They accumulate crap in the house, on the property, in any available space like garages and sheds and often extend their storage areas into other people's properties. They store stuff all over and often use unmarked containers: cardboad boxes are a favorite thing to store crap in, that way other people don't know what is in the box. Some stash their porn away in hidden places, others leave it out in the open.
They do not take out the trash immediately. Instead letting the garbage pile up. they do not clean out the trash bins cans or recycle containers. Several use cover up sprays to try to fix the stinking smell of a rotten garbage can. Or they will buy all kinds of expensive fancy cleaners for specific things instead of doing basic cleaning out of all things with soap, cleanser, baking soda, vinegar, bleach and water.
They complain about the smell of a disinfectant spray, the smell of vinegar. One complains about certain food smells or things like hairspray I use rarely but can inhale gasoline fumes and sprays used for automotive work with no problems whatsoever.
Most will put their hands on everything and anything then touch and spread their germs and grease and dirt all over because they do not wash their hands as they should.
Door jams, cabinets, refrigerator handles, microwave doors and any area they touch are black. They are not conscious of what they touch and do not give one rats butt about it.
A few of them sneeze out in the open blowing their sputum and spit and spray all over the room.
One uses the same old black dirty filthy rag to wipe down anything and everything. He keeps black rags in the shower and the bathroom is absolutely filthy. The floor is covered with containers and other things he does not move and clean and does not clean the floor in the bathroom or the walls, the sinktop or the entire shower or the toilet.
Several scatter their junk and things all over the house, the yard and anywhere else.
Every one of them loves to look at cute, pretty, beautiful girls, young women.
One man who died 2 years ago never got married, never lived with a woman he had intimate relations with because no woman would put up with him. He was a complete mess, had a bad temper blowing up quickly over material things. He was a hoarder obsessed with collecting things. He prized his things and money more than anything else. He never had children thank goodness so his genes were not passed down neither his legacy. He was adopted and never knew who his real mother and father were. He paniched whenever he saw water anywhere to clean with. Water was seen as damaging because he tied it into electronics; televisions, stereo, amps, headphones, record players, tape decks which can easily be ruined by water. His house was never cleaned since his mother died in 1992. In 2021 he sliced the bottom of his left foot open on something, he claimed he stepped on a deli slicer and got perotinitis blood poisoning. He called me asking me to come over and get his crutches in the basement because he couldn't walk down the stairs. I ended up clearing out his house. He ended up in the er at St Lukes East then was transported to several hospitals, care facilites then finally at a nursing home in Independence, Missouri where he died on May 11, 2023.
Interesting because the man I live with is also panic stricken when he sees a drop of water on the floor, the countertop, behind the sink faucet, water sprayed onto the house especially the vents in the eaves of the house outside (soffit). He is also a money, material thing worshipper. Mammon is his god.
They also get mad at me for cooking "too much food at once" or feeding a cat or other animals "too much". They all eat little bits of food all day long which I do not do. They like to buy already made foods, drinks, spices, etcetera. Foods that are put into containers with measured portions. Individual serving sizes. (I hate doing that because it costs more money and is very unhealthy)
Saturday, November 15, 2025
I knew my grandson sons were boys while pregnant
I had a dream when she, my daughter in law was 4 months preg. In the dream I was nursing a baby. A strong thrust feeling pushed forth I saw image of penis sword shaped phallus.
I had dreams during both my pregnancies when I was 4 months along. I saw each little boy playing. I told people and several said you dont know that I think you will have a girl or it might be a girl you dont know.
I did know.
Why did I want to watch every tv show
hear every song
read every book
it began when I was a little girl
age 9 or so
I used to check out the maximum number of books allowed at a time at the library libraries: 21 books.
I never was able to read all 21 books in a month however I tried.
I would read while I was at work at some jobs during dead spells with no customers then continue reading the books at home
I watched many tv shows and movies daily when I was a little girl a teen a woman
I played the radio jumping from one station to the other as I still do and played tapes. vinyl records cds, vhs tapes, dvds.
what is origin of the all
is there a beginning?
how is it that sensed material things
came were born out of the nothing the void empty space
How is it that i say think write it and it appears happens?
dream it. feel it. know beforehand
see. clairvoyant.
Real or fake?
Are these real or are they fake?
coincidences
deja vu, psychic phenomena, mind reading
intuitive pick ups flashes insights feelings inspirations
ghosts telekinesis
reincarnation past lives spirit
living more than once in different bodies
dreams
instincts
urges compulsions obsessions fixations
reality
normal
manifestations
transportations of matter the all by disintegration reformation appearances being in more than one place plane at a time
levels of existence planes realms dimensions of 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 to infinity
infinity itself
a beginning. an end.
creation of anything by humans..didnt it already exist prior to the human creating it
time. time realms.
god. one god. many gods.
spirits saints devils
poltergeists
occult. tarot. palm reading. mediums. astrology.
purpose
radio waves signals
xray gamma cosmic uv ultraviolet
parallel universe world or plural worlds
doppelganger
Friday, November 14, 2025
Thursday, November 13, 2025
Things we are forced to do
Things we are forced to do
go to school
follow government rules and laws
get a job or
be self employed or
be a criminal and not work
obligations
register to vote
Partner chosen in life is most important of all
Partner chosen in life is most important of all. This person and all of their family, friends and associates will influence all aspects of your life and determine your state.
Child will leave mother father seek someone like them
and the child will leave mother and father and cling to a new woman or man
someone just like mother or father. an unconscious direction due to familiarity the training they received in childhood, modelling the parents or caregivers
Dad: Focus on one thing
Dad said he would have focused on one thing if he had to do it all over again. He was around 70 when he told me that.
Hospitals, nursing homes, care facilities
jerry stillwell was at two rivers psychiatric hospital, western mo mental health, a hospital facility on troost close to 89th street
i went to meeting at two rivers while jerry was a resident. they passed out meds on trays to all patients while talking about drug and alcohol abuse in each session, the same things talked about at an aa meeting i attended with my brother Darryl Wayne Wilson.
At the end of the aa meeting they passed around a bowl asking for donations. Each person had to tell a true story about what happened to them when they were intoxicated inebriated under the influence.
just like in the nursing homes i visited
aunt ruth, john layson
sherry gloyn my sister in law and my ex husband ed was in western missouri mental health. they passed out meds
Damon
damon
cries easily
avoids dislikes hates combat contact sports
focus on vacuums pipes hoses airplanes blenders spinning things
nice not mean at all
caterpillar first time he saw one was careful not to step on
2 girls all over him at park he didnt move didnt want to hurt them
loves cats animals
sensitive
doesnt understand meannness
kind hearted
gave dollar to kid at dennys because he wanted to play the grab a toy machine
at age 3 talking to me about being pushed and shoved down because that is what
dad does to him and he doesnt understand it
avoids conflict
focuses on what he likes
his friends have punched him been abusive
he doesnt fight back
doesnt have to hurt others to prove his worth
not competitvie against others
peaceful
Tuesday, November 11, 2025
Physical ailments have contributed to his words and actions
Update. Chronic problem with kidney stones. Pains in back. Many falls, spinal injuries, head traumas. Inflammation, swelling in the body. Feet are flat with broken arches and needs surgery to fix it.
Consuming lots of foods with too much sodium, sugar, artificial ingredients. Unable to process water properly. Dark urine. Fluid retention. Overheats easily.
Physical, emotional, chemical issues causing severe emotional outbursts.
He sees the doctor tomorrow (finally) and this is the beginning of (hopefully) solving many of these major health problems he has.
The severe upbringing he endured cannot be changed or undone so it is a lifelong process of relearning how to think, do, feel, work.
Male has instant attraction to attractive female
one major life lesson I have learned.
and they always remember THAT girl ..the way she looked when he first saw her and where she was
my friend rick c. told me a few years ago that he will ask these questions when he sees a woman he thinks is good looking:
1. Is she available? 2. Is she married?
the only 2 questions he asks himself in his mind
one neighbor saw me walking and jumped out of his vehicle ran down to me and insisted on giving me a huge bear hug.
an old man i met walking at a park told me he loved me the first time he saw me. he called me begging me to come over. had a ton of lawn mowers in his yard. i stopped by briefly talked to him he gave me a very huge bear hug then i left asap.
the male unconsciously seeks the warmth companioship of an attractive woman and the longer he goes without the stronger the urge gets
seeking the young pretty girl female woman:
tony is after a 21 year old. he is 59
gary is after the 28 year old who lives in russia. he is 67
ed is seeking someone off os plentyofish .he is porn obsessed, alone for many years and has a nude phot of a bruntett woman who looks to be 25 .some pic off a porn site
don across the street: married for along time making passes at me and said it's always nice to see a pretty woman in a dress, do you have anything on under that dress? said to me i was outside at home then he came right over tald to husband after he made passes at me. his wife was in the front yard across the street and i went over and sd hi to her. she smiled had no idea what her husband had said or was doing and it wasnt the first time he talked to me that way. he invited me for lunch at his old shop used to be off grandview rd. i did not go
clayton is banging a 28 yr old concubine who comes over and stays at his house while the wife is at work and after she comes home to sleep before going back to work
rick scours the internet off facebook and anywhere he goes in person looking for available women virtually any place he goes
Monday, November 10, 2025
He has full freedom. Treats me like I need permission for most things
as if I am a child, as if he is a father which he has never been a father to any child or anyone.
He is the youngest of 10 children, 7 of which are dead.
I don't owe him a damned thing
He owes me and can never repay or undo all of the horrible things he has said and done
He constantly expects me to prove myself worthy
It should be the other way around
He is supposed to be a man who loves a woman, which he does not and never did
A man who loves a woman breaks his balls to please her and would never say or do anything to hurt her or make her cry, cause her to get angry and upset over anything
I am the one who is supposed to wear clothes that make me look sexy. Clothes he has never bought for me..ever
I am supposed to buy lube which he has never bought
I am supposed to cook food he wants and he has never cooked anything for me that I like only
He would never buy a food or any item that is for me only
He will not and has not and would never do any activity with me that I like
He has everyone convinced he is a good guy
neigbors, friends, family, anyone and everyone but me
he acts calm, nice, polite, easy going
10:28 am to 1: 16 pm he was gone nov. 10, 2025 Monday
where he went I do not know
assume he walked at cave springs and possibly went to aldis or dollar tree
almost 3 hours gone and when I take off running errands going to community center or walking he times me says you've been gone a long time
River boat and nice dinner my dad took us on in 90s
I had a wondeful time.
all he did is bitch and complain about how much it costs and said it wasn't worth it
Sunday, November 9, 2025
total change in personality when he is around other people
ricky my son came over tonight
he is totally nice to him talking in the living room
direct opposite of the way he treats me
he gives him food, things, works on his truck. shares movies videos he likes with him. acts calm mild mannered like a clark kent.
acts as if he is wise, caring, full of advice, worldy,
takes him to his family places
junkyards
Dirty MIND signs of
he/she views any bare skin as provoking
refers to items using terms words that speak of certain specific body parts
sees an item object makes comments about using it for the act. might be furniture cars rooms places
secretly collects pictures videos books of the act. hides these items from spouse partner wife husband ..if wife finds them he keeps the items and hides them somewhere else refusing to disclose where they are.
even makes lewd comments about babies infants seeing them as suckers
frequently often lives in clutter dirt filth piles of collections of many things and does not see a problem with it or things like bugs cobwebs
deep cleaning is foreign to their nature
yells screams when things are moved around
has real problem with organization record keeping
puts things where they dont belong
Saturday, November 8, 2025
Poop. Grandma always checked it and said I should do it, too
and I have learned over the years she is right. Again...
Birthdays
I have spent almost all of my birthdays alone for many years
my 50th birthday I was with my grandpa in Belton, Missouri
he took me to a bar where he played poker, one of the games he liked to play
it was someone else's bday party and it happened to be mine, too
I played some poker games and was doing quite well with luck then a very large obese
black man won the last game and took all of my chips
another birthday without my husband
this was 15 years ago July 7, 2011
the summer after I was forced to go cold turkey off cigarettes begininning December 2010 when the transmission went out in my van and I was stuck at home for 8 months with him
my last bday age 64 I spent at hyvee urgent care with bug bites all over me. I didn't spend any time with him. we did nothing. no celebration, no dinner, nothing
Cold turkey
he needs to go
for how long, I don't know
no sugar, caffeine, junk food, constant attention on media ; radio, news, links to the outside world
Friday, November 7, 2025
Materialistic
physical things . all about the money. self serving physical desires
uses people like objects
self desires and opinions are only reality
consideration compassion does not exist
one way track mind
unable unwilling to empathize see feel anothers point of view
hypercritical
Time spent in food prep doing dishes eating today
1 pm to 330 pm
5pm to 6 pm
still not finished. scrap container needs dumped soaked scrubbed washed rinsed
November 8 is grandpa's birthday. Born 1926. Would have turned 99...
11-8-26 my step grandfather LeRoy Mitchell.. LeRoy Farrell Mitchell.
probably born in Oakland, California where his dad lived. His mother was Teresa/Theresa. His mother and father had divorced due to the meanness of his dad from what people said.
Theresa then married a man named Bud. They lived in Kansas City, Missouri.
Roy Mitchell, LeRoy's father, married another woman named Etta..
Roy was a jeweler and had his own shop/business. Grandpa loved coins and jewelry, Picked up the hobby/interest from his dad.
LeRoy taught school for 57 years. He taught me how to read. He introduced me to spooky horror movies...Frankenstein, Dracula, vampires, werewolves.
The first desk I sat at was his at the school he worked at in California.
I was only 5 or 6. I felt right at home, comfy at that desk as I still feel today. Writing, reading, On the computer. Today is cell phones, tablets, laptops, desktops..all kinds of electronic information devices/gadgets we did not have in 1966.
I love writing because of my mother. She wrote letters all the time. I love books thanks to my mom and grandpa and dad...all avid readers. Grandma would read magazines, too. Prevention mag, reader's digest, religious christian stuff, inspirational quotes. And, of course they all read the Holy Bible except Grandpa. He finally started going to church willingly after grandma died in 2008 because she had asked him to go. He went to church with her for many years but didn't really get anything good out of it.
I eat to live. I don't live to eat.
Grandma Sarah said this often.
She also said "They are after sex". I was so naive I said "I don't believe that. You can just be friends."
She shook her head haughtily almost in disgust and said "Dont kid yourself ..that's what they're all after." and she went "'Hmmmph to emphasize her words.
Thursday, November 6, 2025
The only things I am supposed to say about him.....
he is a hard worker
he is a handyman
I am NOT to speak the truth and say anything to anyone about what he says and does in private to me
He wants to appear perfect in the public image
Like a saint, a savior, a perfect man
Wednesday, November 5, 2025
some like to dirty up the clean
people
the more innocent they look the more corrupt they are to them and try to get them as dirty as possible
corrupt are not attracted to corrupt
like 2 negative poles of a magnet they repel each other
early morning is the middle of the night
6 or 7 am most get up
i am in the middle of 6 or 8 hour sleep at that time
it is 3 or 5 maybe 5 am when i finally fall asleep
why is it called falling?
Tuesday, November 4, 2025
A pig will stomp you into the ground
and ridicule, make smart aleck sarcastic comments about anything you say or do
not only are they ignorant, they are stupid because they will not listen, do not want to learn
they are obstinate, densely stubborn like a thick skulled mule
"uneducatable", unteachable,
i or you say something wise, smart, profound and they call you or me a stupid idiot, a know-it-all and they become defensive and sometimes violent with rage being verbally and sometimes physically abusive. they laugh in your face while calling you names, bullying you to the max.
People I talked to often, alot and they are dead and gone
but still here with me in my memories..
Grandma. Lots of long long talks about life. Status, appearance, ownership of nice things and caring for them. Work, duties, responsibility.
Full of wise advice about people, men, women, animals, health, nutrition, vitamins, exercise, shopping, eating healthy, dressing nicely and appropriately, using proper language/words/diction, going to school, studying, minding my own business and my mouth being careful what I said and who I associated with. she was constantly cleaning almost every hour of the day and never left dirty clothes lying around.
Dad. very wise. could talk to him about anythig and everything. Accepting, nonjudgmental, caring, always there to help at any time as fast as he could without reprimand, punishment, blame, guilt or any thing to make me feel bad. Excellent memory for history, details about things, family, friends, associates. Early morning riser 6 am or so. Coffee first thing then all day until evening when he drank alochol. Always honest/truthful about things.
Mom
Aunt Ruth. Many long discussions for hours on the phone. Began when I was around 21 and my kids were age 0 to 5.
Teenage and girlie stuff I did at home
Music upbeat dance and rock and roll, 1950s, 60s, 70s
radio vinyl records cassette tapes
television shows eve after school and weekend nights
I also listened to many different songs and interpreted the feelings of each one all the way down to my soul and each cell of my body
I lived in a new house with my grandparents we moved into in april 1971
We had very nice things however the stress from grandma and grandpa was high and intense so I adapted and survived by finding things that made me feel good
I especially danced when they were gone. We had a console stereo with a vinyl record player, an am/fm built in radio and a tape player. I would blast the stereo as loud as it could go.
I took my portable record player outside into the front yard played 45 rpm records and danced in the grass in the front yard.
Michael Jackson songs ..she rocks in the treetop all day long... rockin robin and the Hollies Long Cool Woman ..in a black dress were some of my favorite songs to dance to
Monday, November 3, 2025
Cameras security
tracked watched
common today more prevalent
aids police and law enforcement in accurate information
i used to love fact we had security cameras at work.
however if offender is disguised makes it difficult to catch them
Spell it out to me clearly accurately
i am not a mind reader
i need explicit information. instructions.
as so many people seem to think i know what they mean with vague blurry statements
am i autistic?
artistic?
Rabbit hole
he has been sucked in the hole of the media like so many people end up doing.
quite by unintentional accident
eyes and ears glued into what everyone else is doing
attempting to control the world
and failing horribly
it can happen to anyone regardless of age
however it seems like lots of older people fall into the pit of media hell much easier as they don't have much else of a life after the family and job and friends have dissipated
they might spend lots of time alone and don't know what else to do
instead of being meditative and instrospective and concentrating on bettering themselves and their lives they focus on others and attempt to tell them what to do
giving opinions on how people and things should be
and losing track of their own obligations duties and cleaning up their own messes
look in the mirror people!!
Radio: first thing he showed me. He is still obsessed with radio
it is am 98.1 in the car..political news garbage
blood test results from oct 28 vitamin d 38
just above acceptable range. low 35
parathyroid better
high carbon dioxide some kidney test
2 months ago i began taking vit d3 and calcium daily and eating 3 servings of dairy most days
aug 24 test low vit d and calcium and para messed up
amazing i did it and can function at all amazing i am still alive with all the insanity i live with in house control freak
perfection of self to be one with creator
accept others as they are .nope. cant do that...
fix yourself constantly pray nonstop
cant fix anyone else they have their own work to do on themselves
they were born perfect before they could talk. they didnt need words and all the confusion others force upon them
people try to repair themselves from the damage done to them by other people
shes only happy when she is with you
my grandma sarah said my mom told her that about me when i was about 5 years old
now my grandson is like that with me and i with him
Sunday, November 2, 2025
Your husband hates you Here's 8 Signs He Can't Stand You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk34IXP9z9Y
Your husband hates you Here's 8 Signs He Can't Stand You
8. Treats you like an obligation not a partner
7. He ruins your joy on purpose
6. He humiliates you. he is trying to hurt you
5. He has a whole life you're not invited to
4. He talks to you like he can't stand you
3. He withholds affection, blames you for it
2. He enjoys watching you struggle
1. He punishes you for existing.
Some people have public images opposite of what they really are
I don't know the name of that behavior but it is true.
My first modeling session spring of 1985
It was March or April. Downtown Kansas City, Missouri at Fambrough and Associates. A William Fambrough who rented a very large roo
m studio in a huge building.
I had wanted to be a fashion model not a nude one. My husband at the time said he was supportive of whatever I wanted to do and he suggested answering the ad for the modelling session.
It was early in the morning. I am not a morning person. I had just started my period and feeling puffy puffed up bad as usual. I had a tampon in and was afraid someone might see it.
Somehow I managed to come out beautifully in the session posing for about 5 photographers who surrounded me in the studio and gave me directions as to how to move. They provided outfits for me to wear. The first one was a long sheer purple gown with flowers on it.
I make the mistake of trying to fix broken people.
People that do not want help. Will not even look at themselves.
I am to concern myself with myself first and quit doing this. It is difficult to not say anything to someone when I see they are doing something wrong, something harmful to themselves or someone else.
All my words mean nothing to most people. Creatures of instinct, habit and upbringing. Humans are hard to change, hard to make aware. Including myself.
I'll take care of it when I feel it is necessary. His statement
This is why we still have piles of clutter.
This is why it has years to get rid of a lot of stuff and to go through each closet or area.
He fights me every step of the way regarding sorting, organizing, tossing things out. He hangs onto old stuff no longer needed or useful. And broken things.
It is like someone who eats a bad food and drink diet for years then finally goes to the doctor expecting them to fix it right away..
That person maintains the same bad habits and ends up with serious health problems, even early death.
People don't listen. When it is too late they might pay attention. IF they are still alive.
Saturday, November 1, 2025
Clutter
People I know who can't stand clutter: Beth Andrews. My dad/father. Grandma Sarah. Aunt Ruth Spainhour. My half sister Joyce. Me.
Prior neighbor Stacy Barr.
Other characteristics of those who do not like clutter:
Neat. Clean. Organized. Streamlined. Coordinated. Balanced. Ethical.
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