Sunday, March 22, 2026

Simple. Childish

 tantrums ,  fits. fast food. immediate satisfaction

media addiction, porn videos

stereo equipment, hoarding junk

hates cleaning anything

bad temper

uses fast fixes muscle rubs pills alcohol


thinks my name is beck and call

egotistical

driven my money material things sex appearances

rude 

not careful conscientious about hands fingers touching things

does not wash hands often enough

spreads  germs

wears used clothes unwashed from thrift store

bad armpit body odor

thinks i am a slave

calls me stupid

yells cusses often

puts on fake nice sweet voice when manipulating wants something

gets things they want often expensive items thinks i dont need luxury things or much of anything

socially inept

unattractive to most women even repulsive

eyeballs girls and women as sex objects

thinks everybody owes them

addicted to sweets junk food

has to have sweet drink all day and with meals

encyclopedic mind of work hobbies like music parts cars guns

believes they are good with finances but hates accounting.

disorganized receipts

addicted to news politics sports competition

shits on what i say

unable to care for babies

not very good with children

animals around cats dogs guinea pigs ferrets etc

spends lots of money on what they want

blasts their music and videos doesn't care how it affects others

expects people to like what they like









Eats dessert immediately after a meal. snacks all day

 begins first thing in morning 

sees food grabs eats it

 

Saturday, March 21, 2026

Journey . his

 seeking truth. reading books a little. wanting to understand. having difficulty

mostly watching videos. he hears them but doesnt listen comprehend understand meanings.  i know because he hasnt changed his thiughts words beliefs and actions much at all

he said he read you are supposed to say god is love repeatedly

it can be said but means nothing if you dont know what love is

love is understanding lack of opposite of fear

is peace compassion. i am full of these things. born that way



Guy guessed my weight 105 pounds tonight. scale shows 125

 the other day a guy guessed me at 100 lbs

i laughed


Am I Angel of Death?

Dementia is possibly setting in in him. not sure yet

Friday, March 20, 2026

Who you or I live with will make or break your life

He thinks he controls his thoughts. Reality is the media and other people controls most of his thoughts thus actions.

 radio tv internet magazines

family, neighbors, strangers at stores like people giving samples at sams club

he is a sucker for a thing he sees and denies he does this

tone of voice, words are powerful as hell

 subject matter discussed, said route the thoughts of others

silent words said in the mind and things in the imagination rule my actions . same applies to anyone

what dominates your thoughts controls your life


Animals have no shame. Humans are taught it and guilt, embarassment over their natural self, body, expressions, words...

I don't care if I am with a man again. I can take care of myself.

He runs with dirty single men

I am gaining my beauty back.... It feels great.

 thin. exercising more. learning arm, leg, back exercises.  eating really good food. drinking lots of water. taking vitamin d3 daily. calcium magnesium, glutamine, vit c, zinc. 

got a small corset that fits great from walmart yesterday.

getting new clothes soon. dressing feminine. 

clean, neat, looking good. 

just a little bit of mascara on the eyelashes, a tint of red on my lips once in awhile. usually plain lip gloss.


He closes up the house so no one can see what he does inside.

 scared of being watched. he is careful what he does outside. thinks everyone is watching him because he watches everybody else.


He lives in his own world of the media, radio, tv, strangers

Dress baggy when I leave. Wear fitted clothes when I am out

Change myself. Do not try to change anyone else. It nevers works. Leave them be on their own path

Thursday, March 19, 2026

Never trust a man

 he is a wolf

a sneaky one looking at saying and doing things whenever he thinks you are not around


Country living is what i want

Country living is what i want

Lots of space

land 5 to 10 acres

no neighbors close

can have peace and quiet

blast music when i want to

layout nude

do whatever I want outside or inside the house home barn shed or anything on the property

burn trash

campfires bonfires parties visits socialize with friends family people whenever I want

dig in the dirt 


Tuesday, March 17, 2026

Grandpa leroy

 teeth brushing mouthwash gargling. up early. hard worker. 

exercise. oak trees.  tomatoes. green peppers 

eating out alot couldnt cook clean house do mechanical work.

loves chess. 

competitive.

picks and digs into his nose alot when sitting at home

picked fight with grandma during dinner

tailored shirts. dressed professionally at work as school teacher

umpire baseball basketball coach football

collected coins bought jewelry him and grma

his dad roy mitchell was a jeweler in california

loved science and math

taught pe physical education , math and science. also taught english before.

tight watchful with money . didnt want night lights on or windows open when cold outside.

asked me if i still had sex with my husband in 2010 or so . i said at least 2 times a week. i was 49. born 1961. gpa is 25 years older than me born 1926. 

gma died 2008. born 1916

told me little girls around the age of 5 learn how powerful they are in controlling men

smoked a cigar once in awhile

looked at playboy magazines





Addictions he has

 He is addicted to 
News, media, politics, sugar, sweets, snacks, junk food, cookies, cakes, pies, donuts, sugary high fructose corn syrup drinks and food, spicy things like hot sauces, barbecue sauces, anything that says jalapeno hot spicy flavored 
sweet drinks tea soda juices esp cranberry and canned whole cranberry sauce
analyzing things trying and thinking he can fix almost anything
thinking he knows answers to stuff before researching then often finding out later he doesn't and did not know

cars trucks esp the ones he owns

tools

buying premade things regarding food, drinks, chemicals, cleaners, soaps, 

store bought things instead of homemade food and drink

fast food restaurants: wendys, hardees, arbys, taco bell, dominos pizza, subway, burger king

price of gold and silver watching

playing chess on computer

watching everybody me neighbors store employees drivers

weather

gas prices

wars

cussing goddammit fuck 

micromanaging





Sunday, March 15, 2026

I survived. Untouched and alive

 the daily rollercoaster terror. his unpredictability spontaneity impulsiveness . impatience. anger.

going from loving one minute to intense hatred the next.

denies his behavior is wrong. never wants me to repeat what he said or did unless it was good behavior.

i still think that his drinks diet food are major influence cause of this atrocious behavior.

i have seen and experienced it in others and myself. males females babies children teens adults of all ages.

i have dealt with thousands of people.





Saturday, March 14, 2026

Woman women girls do not have to work like a man. LOOKS are everything. Does not matter what she does or what she has

 her appearance is everything



Dancing in the Rain

 my grandson said in 2018 when we went outside in driveway. it was raining


my son took me to a club for my birthday back in and it rained outside and i danced

i went outside on one hot july morning nude and danced in the backyard loving the nudeness and heat


Black Cat

Bold Explicit Erotic

 words on cover of cd my son made

and that is me

bold . open. direct. honest, to the point. cut to the chase

explicit: revealing

erotic: highly sexual and sensual


Friday, March 13, 2026

Frown lines... caused by crying, stress, sadness, anger from him and them in my life

 so i made a resolution. smile more than frown and don't get stressed out and worry about anything. it shows on my face or your face what you do most of the time. 

lady i saw the other day at the drs office uses botox and no makeup. she has wide open big beautiful eyes and lashes and zero frown lines. i will try to get rid of frown lines between the eyes naturally. wish me luck


Ordered 2 corsets 2 days ago from walmart. Hope they fit so I ordered 2 different sizes. My back needs serious help.

Got new rolling bed and rolling wardrobe yesterday. I put them together after 3pm today when he left. Done in less than 2 hours

 it is absolutely fantastic and great! now there will be more room in my master bedroom. 

maybe i can actually get some sleep and perhaps go to bed earlier without light and the cat bugging me . she starts in around 11 pm and goes on until 3 am running in and out the bedroom door and the hole in the wall behind the fireplace.

let's see how i feel in a week after i can sleep better and get some good exercise at home for a change

stretching, yoga, dancing, rolling on the floor. something besides running up and down the stairs and being stopped whenever i am doing something by him


3 pm he takes off. it is almost 7 pm he is still gone. friday march 13, 2026 704pm he is back

 says going to walk at park in the mud then to walmart looking for mailbox. ours got hit a couple of days ago.

i do not believe everything he says.

yesterday he took off at 10 am gone till about 515 pm supposedly to his sisters in raymore and to sams club in raymore mo

he was driving the 2015 toyota camry he just bought in january and said he wanted to show his sisters the new car

i know him. he doesnt like to visit people for very long and he shops fast running into stores buying the same categories of stuff things food clothes etcetera


right before sleep...

 typical men in my life

love to do it right before going to bed

or first thing in morning if they have the time


Wednesday, March 11, 2026

little girl high pitched voice of mine he likes

great at the gym tuesday march 10 2026

 met luca 18 yr old empath photographer basketball player 

asked him what the thing was to exercuse with is how i met then ended up talking for over an hour

then this beautiful girl came running up to me she said sarah! 

like she was my best friend.. i said whats your name. cassie. i sd i dont remember how wecmet

she sd i work here in the kids club. we met down here working out on eqipment.

she is a beautiful long red haired angel from the stars universe

cassie sd lets do leg workout. i said ok so she showed me

thursday she will be back. so will i.

then next mon tues thu fri she will be there.

i want to live at the gym

godsend again

people that are loving to all and love me. i feel loved again finally.!!!


Sunday, March 8, 2026

Types of people cant deal with

 black and white thinkers

those that cant distinguish their opinion from fact

insane crazy schizo flip chameleons


I take care of myself quite well

i ordered a cheap twin rolling bed and a wardrobe for my bedroom I live in most of the time

 making room for movement exercise in the bedroom. i can shut and lock the door and do whatever i want as long as it is not too noisy bothering him

i will get some window film for the west window so i can see out and no one can see in since he is so concerned about people looking in the windows

i will order some blackout curtains to replace the see thru light beige curtains he installed when he moved into this house in january 1991. i covered them up with red sheets and a tapestry and it looks terrible

i might not open the boxes when they arrive in a few days

i might tell him i am going to wait awhile until i am ready due to the floor in here

and i might wait weeks because i may find another place to live and when i do i want to load up the boxes along with important things like documents, computers, tablets, phones, clothes, food, 

then i will tell him i am returning the items when i am really going to load them up and move the hell out of here



Truth coming out about our origins, sphinx,eqypt, proof evidence of reincarnation :HIS obsession

 and proof of political corruption

proof of ufos, extraterrestials, aliens


Friday, March 6, 2026

What is weird is he will still wants sex and is gentle about it and not too freaky. He is mean in other ways.

 he does it the same old ways each time except for on february 28 2026 a week ago when he asked me to do a position he claims we did many years ago. i do not remember doing it but might have. 

so i did it and he wasn't too thrilled but said i had told him that position was "unspeakable". supposedly i said that. i suspect he did it with someone else not long ago or was watching it on some kind of porn.

if we don't do it for a couple of weeks or more he will ask me if i still have feelings down there

he has never raped me but once he came close a couple of years ago when i did not do it for a couple of weeks. he ripped my pants down in his bedroom he was not horny and uptight.



I don't want to watch it. I want to experience it. I want to do it if I like it.

 If I am hungry I want to eat food. I don't want to watch a commercial or any tv or video of someone else eating. It does nothing for me.

Same way about sex. Exercise. Dance. Movement. Cleaning. Organizing. 

Same about events, concerts, shopping, hobbies, work, activities, creating or destroying something.

Some people seem to get off on watching stuff most of the time instead of doing it.



he saves everything he can

 trash reluctant to empty until its full

napkins rags paper towels

old underwear shoes boots. clothes


parts old broken unusable things paint knick knacks nic nac

expired food , old vhs tapes dvds cds electronics 

used car fluids 


He sneaks around phone calls money jobs shopping eating visiting people

 In bedroom garage when he's gone he's on the phone chatting talking texting

sneaks in stuff in the house sheds and puts stuff in neighbors shed

i sometimes find out about items and porn he has sneaked into the house and sneaks around watching it looking at it

sneaking bout money, visiting people, work, jobs, who knows what all he is sneaking around about

Last night he was talking to someone after midnight again and I did not hear his phone ring when he said "What?" as if he knew this person closely. Then he mumbled something that sounded like 

"wabishgo sheep" and at the end said "It wasnt me. It's not me" and shortly afterwards fell asleep.

couple hours later around 2 am i heard a female voice say "Hello" twice then she said something else I am not sure of.  HE was snoring away so he did not answer her. 

WHAT device did her voice come from? Good question. He had fallen asleep at least an hour before she talked so I doubt he left his phone on during a call because it uses minutes. Must be some kind of app of the phone that can stay open and not charge minutes on a line.

On the night of february 24 right before midnight he opened my bedroom door and said something about "oh it is good we qualified for medicaid" and he was acting antsy and anxious

When he realized i was dog tired he promptly left only to go to his bedroom and immediately made clunking noises like grabbing something off his desk opening a drawer, starting talking to someone ..don't know for sure but probably his cell phone. i did not hear it ring.  it was about 12:14 am february 25th when he entered the room made a grunting noise, said ' the heat expanded off of me" then in the sexy voice said "more!" 

a minute or so passed and he said either "25 or 35? that's nothing. its been too long. ...a pause for another minute then "you're experienced. age 10 ( i think he said 10), HOW Much?" a short pause and he said "you just want a big dick ...."

i am lead to believe he is conversing with someone.  A stranger somehow on a website or chat room place of some sort. 

I have not confronted him with my knowledge and discoveries. HE would DENY it anyway then get totally pissed if he knew how I found out what he is doing.

THE ONLY way to find out is if I had his working phone and his nonworking cell and copied all activity on both of them.

UNLESS he has another device I do not know about. Likely because he saves all of his old cell phones tablets electronics computers, etc. And I wouldn't put it past him to go buy a new device that he can use for such activity and hide it somewhere likely in his bedroom. That is why I keep hearing dresser drawers open and close/shut when he is in there alone.


 






COMPASSION ENDS

 His back hurts and top left chest.

He asked me not to talk

After I just cooked great chicken and noodles and BBQ pork. I went outside with him carried a fairly heavy box of wood in the house because his back and chest hurt so much and he finished installing the power steering pump in my van earlier today because the part showed up via FedEx.

I told him he didn't have to do it if he was in such pain. He did it anyway.

I left the livibg room. A few minutes later he gets up sits in his recliner starts reading a book with his knees propped up as if nothing is wrong. 

Told him he tells me to shut up all the time when he blamed his telling me not to talk on his pain. So I said go listen to your political news and everyone else and I will leave  the room.

He was horribly nasty to me this morning in his tone of voice when I answered his question about the ebay seller who sold me the ps pump that whined. 

I should show the same lack of compassion he has shown me since day one.

I have chronic severe back and leg pain and progressive scoliosis. I can't take the cold cant lift heavy items. Can't do things that require bending forwards like raking leaves.


I can't stand still for long or stay in any one position for long. Have to keep moving and stretching my body to try to alleviate pain.

He is a mean sonofabitch to me most of the time. 

Instead of me showing sympathy and empathy which is my nature I need to treat him the same way he treats me. 

A heartless way to be that goes against my grain but it looks like I will begin acting that way with him.





Wednesday, March 4, 2026

CURIOSITY OBSERVATION MEMORY PATTERNS

Learned about living with others, marriage, work, solo, peace, happiness.

 Learned.

Living or working with anyone ends up being sheer hell.

Marriage is not about love. It is about ownership, power struggles, fights, wars, battles, conflict, tension.

Happiness begins in myself. It is impossible to remain happy living or working with a miserable person.

Working with other people ends up in power struggles the same as a marriage or live in situation.

Live or work with a man and he is sexually frustrated all the time.

Live or work with a woman and it is a competition to see who is dominant, who gets the man/men or if she likes women, who gets the woman and has dominace in the situation and relationships.

Who gets the prize, the prestige, the power, honor, respect in any relationship anywhere?

Well, obviously it is not me. 

Most people want to make themselves happy at the expense of other people. Few people go out of their way to make anyone else happy. Lots of people enjoy instigating fights and worthless circular arguments in an attempt to push their importance and status upon others.

Most people want to be top dog vip important whether they verbally admit it or not.

People want attention and their are countless ways they go about getting it.

Any person can end up doing evil things if put into the right circumstance even if they have a pure nature. Evil as in lying, stealing, cheating, gambling, manipulating, gossiping, mental and physical harm of another being or harming themselves in an attempt to deal with the chronic abuse they have been coping with. 

Competition, contests are common amongst humans and animals. Even the most passive being is in some sort of competition or contest to win at something in their life. A masochist can feel powerful when in submission, a sadist when being dominant. 

Is it real power to be a martyr or a murderer? Why be either one? Why submit to punishment or punish others? What is the point? They are both losers.

Where is true power? Being yourself without involving others in your pain or pleasure? All that is wanting to be seen, heard and paid attention to by some person or other life form. The life we have is granted by the unknown universal energy / energies and will be taken away at any moment and it has nothing to do with being seen by the other forms it has created. 

Can I pleasure or hurt myself when I am alone? Absolutely. I please myself often when no one else is around. The only reason I ever hurt myself is because others have hurt me, they enjoy watching me suffer and I figured I would be better off dead or crippled. That is what they want. To see me hurt, cry and be miserable. It gives them pleasure. Sadistic humans are everywhere. Their two faced phony facades are tricky. If I hurt myself first in front of them maybe they won't have to do it themselves. 

I certainlty do not know and have not known anyone who goes out of their way to please me on a consistent basis without asking me for something in return. Demanding, expecting compliance with whatever they happen to want at the moment.









New plans for my bedroom I live in most of the time.

 Tranform the closet into the room for a twin xl rollaway bed. Only about 30" will stick out from the closet. Perfect for me to stand on the get things out of the big closet cubby hole above where the clothes rack are that are on metal rods and pull out. I can use the metal rods to hold exercise bands while in bed and hang and stretch all I want...unlike what I have now. I have to lay on the floor to use this huge resistance band. 

When the mattress is in the closet under the clothes rods I can lay on the bed and fall and stretch and move all I want without worry of getting hurt. 

I will get a rolling wardrobe rack for all my clothes and put it against the east wall in my bedroom, right in the spot he said is best to put anything that is heavy.

This way I can move the bed and the clothes rack around whenever I want to. 

I have rearranged my room a gazillion times in the last few years and each time it seems to be right and gets better. It will be even better like this. It will open up the middle of the bedroom so I can use exercise mats and comforters and pads and pillows and dance and exercise on these. 

In my bedroom are 2 desks. One is an old wooden desk, the other is a long plastic table about the size of the desk. I have several laptops, a tablet, cell phone, tablet pad holder, 10 key adding machine I just bought new not along ago. I have a small postage scale, an inkjet printer and a larger scale for weighing heavier items. I have a wooden cabinet that holds my microwave. Plates, bowls and the popcorn maker is in the bottom of the cabinet. 

I have a square plastic table against the wall between the bathroom and the closet. I use it now for my coffee maker, hot pot and two plastic bins that hold silverware.

Above the clothes closet and on some of the shelves in the master bathroom inside this bedroom I have food, coffee, tea, electric hot plate, instant pot, towels, wash cloths, paper towels, my moms shoebox of papers and pictures stored.

There is a cutout in the wall between the bath and closet with two shelves that hold spices, candles and miscellaneous items.

I have a 9 drawer metal frame cloth dresser I purchased at Walmart a few months ago. On top of it is my 32" fire tv I bought cheap 79 dollars at Best Buy last year. 

A stack of  3 ring binders and paper notebooks containing my journals are in here. All of my important documents birth certificates, marriage licenses, 2 divorce decrees, etcetera are in dark blue folders on top of my desk.

A black portfolio holds in diploma from 1985 when I graduated from Bryan Institute in Overland Park, Kansas with a degree in computer programming and accounting. Other important items are in the portfolio.

The bathroom drawers and cabinets are full. 

One day I will have all of my things together in one room and when I leave it will be so much easier to pack up everything in one small truck and make one trip. 

I have emeril pots and pans downstairs that were a gift from my son and daughter in law many years ago. I have several vacuum cleaners. A couple of plastic totes of pictures, a tote with a small sewing machine and a slide viewer, two sewing boxes are also mine.

A small lamp I bought cheap at Walmart. A wooden jewelry box filled with obituaries and trinkets throughout the years of my life. 

The microwave is his. He bought it for 20 bucks on craigslist years ago. He can have it. I will leave it lying on the floor in the bedroom when I leave here.

I need my own place. I need to disappear completely, get a passport so I can travel and be gone for at least 6 months away from here, away from him. 

He needs to have me gone, be rid of me, live without me for an extended period of time or maybe forever. 

I could file for divorce and later file for social security as a divorced woman and collect benefits on his account then I would probably get the same retirements benefits he gets which is double what I get which is now 544 a month. His is 1089.

I need peace for the rest of my life. I need it now. 






Massaged his back for an hour and a half tonight

 after we got back home from free dinner at a medicare meeting seminar

he asked me to do it after he took a hot bath in epsom salts i bought and then he asked me to use castor oil to massage him which i also bought a gallon of over a year ago. 

i happily complied and said i enjoy it

he said your back must hurt and you are in pain. i said i am but it doesn't matter. i can move around stand over you bend over lean sideways use diffferent positions. it is good for me to massage others and move my body around. 

he said he would massage my back if i asked him. i said i don't ask you. i don't ask people to do things for me unless it is absolutely necessary. 

i have a plan to do things to take care of myself.  told him i used to massage my grandma and dad and other people. dad and grandma got really bad migraines and were in tears from the pain and i massaged their neck and should arms bottom of legs feet and hands until the pain went away. they really appreciated it. 


Tuesday, March 3, 2026

March 2 2025 Told him I don't trust anyone including him

Getting my mojo back

 hair, face, skin, muscles, body, expression...smile more often. clothes i wear. 

up early today and yesterday 8 am



March 3, 2026 Tuesday. He takes off in my van after fixing power steering pump. 2 hrs. comes back takes long nap again like yesterday

 2 hrs gone. sd to get propane tanks filled. stopped at dg on grvw rd first then to uhal blue ridge then to park and walked. peter neighbor called sd he had his money so he stopped by his house one block from ours and picked up sixty 60 dollars for electrical wk he did yesterday.

meantime i am at home whole time. conditioned washed my hair, showered, did sink full of dishes from yeterday. painted my nails clear. going to post stuff for sale on net.


351 he wakes up

heard him talking mumbling in his sleep nap

he turns on news crap first thing upon awakening also in the morning and falls asleep at night listening to it or something



Simple. Childish

 tantrums ,  fits. fast food. immediate satisfaction media addiction, porn videos stereo equipment, hoarding junk hates cleaning anything ba...