Monday, September 30, 2024
reasons some people don't want visitors
house is dirty filthy cluttered stinks
valuable items like coins money electronic items tools in house
those hiding evidence of criminal activities such as theft murder illegal porn drugs sex acts
these people hide out at home and know what they are doing is wrong
Dolls girls babies and cute little pretty things
i like these things
lots of people seem to like them too
Sunday, September 29, 2024
People often take no responsibility for their words or actions
Your words, my words, may have caused someone great joy or misery.
People will blame the addict, the alcohol, the drugs as the cause for another person's death, destruction, loss or illness. They won't take responsibility and blame themselves for causing another person to become an addict, an alcoholic or committing suicide.
They poke others with a stick that hurts then blame the others for hurting.
Saturday, September 28, 2024
Friday, September 27, 2024
Thursday, September 26, 2024
Dogs barking. Roosters crowing. Loud vehicles and heavy machinery noises all day. Can't sleep properly
The beagle hound by us began barking before 4 pm. It's 615 pm and he is still going. upsets the other dogs and gets them going. A barking 3 ring circus.
Roosters crowing around 5 am and going all day long.
And occasionally thecar or truck with loud exhaust sounds like no muffler
It's no big deal, said frequently by him and others
a statement of minimizing what I am telling them
This week I will respond with it's no big deal whenever he says something. Some of the things he says are ridiculous repetitions anyway .
He still doesn't seem to understand the little things make the big things.
Wednesday, September 25, 2024
what john did to jacque and his cats
locked them all up. The woman friend since child hood and all the female cats he had
Jacqueline ended up in the nursing home.she had turned vegan and was taking pills for depression for years. She has severe Alzheimer's memory loss brain damage.
He wouldn't allow jacque to clean anything or throw any item out in the trash
he dug through the garbage and brought back into the house the things she threw out
kept the doors shut at all times
did not want fresh air coming in to the house
hoarded. stuffed the house crammed full so you could barely walk through it. You could barely breathe from cat piss fumes filthy dust
kept old expired food for years and ate it and made her eat it and offered it to me the few times i was there
old food in the deep freeze since 1992 when his mother died ..he was still eating it in 2021
bought primarily used things junk in each category; food, clothing, electronics, collectibles, furniture
filled house with shit he liked
blasted music and television tv internet very loud
jacque said sometimes he had 5 or more stations playing at once and the sound was so loud she couldn't sleep and she was in the basement
he wouldn't clean anything
he had an aversion to water
he didn't take a shower or bath very often
jacque said he would mow the grass and not shower for 2 weeks
Felt like hell since 1 pm today
Stayed in my bedroom all day afterwards. Swept front porch and some one came here at 1 pm to buy a baby book set I had for sale on Facebook.
Ate breakfast at 6 pm. Just had dessert strawberries and a banana at 2 am
Tuesday, September 24, 2024
What he is
Fake phony. Insane. Crazy. Two faced. Jekyll and Hyde. Fearful. Chicken. Shit. Sneaky. Demanding. Critical.
Media women dress like the way we can't in public.
Entertainers musicians music videos movies commercials ads advertising clubs such as bars strip bars nudie or gentlemen establishments as they are called casinos some restaurants are places where some females dress in scanty clothing showing most of their skin on their body.
This is not what the typical female/girl/woman is allowed or supposed to do on an everyday basis outside of her own home. Appearing in lingerie, bikinis, super tight clothing, underwear bras panties g strings ...thigh high boots or stockings
Some of them dance provocatively. This dancing is allowed in discos, bars and clubs but not anywhere else that I have seen.
Monday, September 23, 2024
A woman is not to
Prove herself
Impress anyone
Work her tail bone off
Chase a man
Break her neck and back to please anyone
Show him the things she can do
Show how smart she is
Prove her value through her money
Work hard manual labor
Work long hours
Ignore her children
Sacrificing all to the man
Fake pretend feign interest in things she is not interested in
Adorn herself with gawdy jewelry clothes tattoos accessories heavy makeup fake hair dos colors and styles
Be a punching bag doormat to anyone at anytime
Be a sounding board only
Keep her mouth shut at all times
Talk constantly
Have to repeat herself which only happens when dealing with stupid idiots
He took away, tries to take my
My anything fun stuff
All of the cats toys
My bicycle
My mind, curiosity, dreams, hope, vision, kindness, friends, friendliness
Flexibility
Softness
Feminity
Knowledge
Experience
Wisdom
Job
Work
Career
Education
Family
Joy
Spark
Life
Love
My dancing
Music
Creativity
Originality
Beauty
Plants
Garden
Coffee
Cigarette
Alcohol
Relaxation
Placid ness calmness
Bright eyes
Ideas
Preferences
Countless incidents of his controlling take over behavior
Changes what I do, undoes what I did, stops me from doing things, tells me to shut up,
Control what I wear clothing and shoes and makeup and hair
The ugly face
Became that way. It wasn't born that way. It is selfish fearful greedy spiteful and mean. It learned to worship money material things power and physical gratifications.
It became obsessed with sex, food, work, power, dominance, winning and losing. It can never get enough, never be satisfied.
Never content or happy with anything or anyone for long.
It's demanding and tantrum throwing.
The ugly despises what it has and what is, always seeking something or someone better. It doesn't work on self improvement.
Ugly uses up resources. It drains energy. It often gets there first. Feeds itself first.
It says and does things thoughtlessly. Impulsive, hasty and rash with words and actions.
It blames others for not cooperating with their demands and denies abusive behavior which caused resistance from the other.
Biggest battles have been at home
Next biggest at work, media influences, family, friends
Last is with strangers
Sunday, September 22, 2024
I need to pretend that I don't exist around him and here
I am not to speak to anyone in his presence
He dominates all encounters
He forces people to watch Mike Lindell videos, any conspiracy theories/theory news he watches or any type of music he is listening to
I am not allowed to watch or listen to anything I like and prefer in his presence
I Set my sights way too low in the past. things are changing rapidly now
low self esteem I used to have
where did it come from? upbringing I suppose
underlying thoughts that I would never get with a man for his money....this is still true..i go for the love and attraction first. if they have money that is fine.
i thought i would have a wonderful life of love and adventure and build wealth with a man who had nothing. however I have discovered that the man with a poverty stricken mind will always be that way. nothing i can do for myself or for him will make him any better as long as he has a toilet brain full of trash and junk.
Nothing I've tried works with him. He is getting worse
He is sinking further down the sewer drain each minute. He maintains delusions.
I used to think it was the food he eats that makes him crazy. It's partly responsible but not completely. I've focused a lot on food and reading labels with him for many years. Some progress has been made with his diet but not much. Healthy food and exercise are not fixing his mental problems.
I attempt to reason with him using logic and questions and fail on a daily basis. He cannot comprehend theories, different perspectives or points of view or other people's preferences.
The world he lives in is in his mind. It's full of shoulds, always, everybody, nevers, all the time, strange, not normal, abnormal, can'ts, won'ts, nobody, I can't understand statements, negatives, deficits, bad things and bad people. He says he can't trust anybody. Everybody is out for themselves and to get something. Kindness doesn't exist.
He says I haven't seen the worst anger in him yet.
He is angry the majority of the time. Chronically. This is normal for him. He expects me and other people to feel like he does and agree with him at all times. If we don't agree we are abnormal.
He said he couldn't live with anyone he knows.
He mocks me repeatedly saying things like oh you think you are a psychologist and you think you know it all.
He is difficult and belligerent. Each thing is a difficult daunting task and can't be viewed as simple easy and fixable. It's a big deal whatever the issue is at hand.
His mind is full of twists and turns into endless spirals of confusion.
He complicates things. He often says "nothings ever easy". His brain is like 40,000 chess games going on at once. He plays the computer chess game daily for hours while he listens to conspiracy news stories.
His public persona seems rational mild and logical as he talks about the news weather physical work he does. He has most of the neighbors fooled for sure. None of the neighbors or people we know have any idea what he says behind their back or the way he treats me behind closed doors.
I can only imagine what he says and does to any other person when he is alone with them. The only way I could find out is if he had a recording device on him at all times.
It's a scary thought to think about what he does without me. Knowing just how shitty he is to me, what has he done to other people and even animals?
Around me he's always worried someone is watching him. When he is sure it's just us he can feel free to have sex, let loose his rage upon me or an animal and sometimes an object. Many years ago he kicked in my bedroom door one night only to repair it the next day because the door wouldn't shut. He generally doesn't destroy physical objects. He'd rather take his anger out on a living being, me being the prime choice target.
I had a brother named John who had a similar rage in his personality. His favorite beat up targets were the women that he had sex with. He was a wimp in front of a man and around authority figures like the police which he had many encounters with as he spent many years in jail. Johnny as people often called him was similar with his dr Jekyll happy go lucky childish side only to do a 180 in 2 seconds flat turning into Mister Hyde Satan himself without warning. Johnny however was irresponsible as hell unlike this man I am married to. Johnny wouldn't bathe often. He stunk. He couldn't keep a job. He'd rather steal from anyone to get money and use it for drugs alcohol and recreation. He would not pay child support regularly. He would not pay any bills. He was homeless for many years and floated around living from one person's house to the next. He screwed any female he found attractive at the moment. He had little self control. He did show some respect to his grandmother and sister.
This man I am married to is very financially responsible and is pretty clean about his body. His house cleaning methods are lacking in wholeness as he prefers one spot cleaning instead of doing a whole room or area at once.
The one good thing is I do have my own bank account and he never asks to look at it and doesn't steal my money. I've always had my own account since I have been with him. He banters around though asking questions about how much money I made and thinks he can know how much I spend and how much I have. He seems to prefer thinking I am broke and he has a lot more money than me. A few years ago when I was selling my friend's stuff and it amounted to more than poverty he began acting worse to me probably because he thought he was losing more control over me.
He imagines he has control over me. He believes money is a major factor. Money IS very important however there are many people who have left dictators and didn't have much money and taken back control over their own life again. Famous and common people have done this.
They decided freedom from the control freak was more important than fighting over money.
My calmness pisses him off. My words of wisdom are stupidity to him. Anything about me pisses him off. He's just mad. Constantly. It's not my job or duty to make him feel better. It's not my responsibility to save him from drowning in the sewer. He chooses misery. I must walk away.
I walk through the fire of the valley of the shadow of death. I look the skeleton devil in the face everyday. I keep walking and come out clean. Pure. Still myself. Until death do us part.
Friday, September 20, 2024
Restaurants I am not impressed with
Burger King
McDonald's
Sonic
Steak and shake
KFC
Subway
Red lobster
IHOP
Denny's
Dominos
Church's chicken
China Town
Thursday, September 19, 2024
Old people who gave up
Focus on stuff they can't control
Government. Politics. News.
Sports. Following games and can't play anymore.
Entertainment. Media. Celebrities.
Hoarding things is common
Disorganized home is common
Live in a mess
Can't concentrate and focus
Joy is gone
Live in a locker up house
Paranoid
Rigid in thought
Wednesday, September 18, 2024
My cold body precedes illness. About froze in America's best eyeglasses store tonight
Had to turn on my car heater full blast after I got out of the store and it was around 85 degrees outside.
The a/c in stores and restaurants kills me
It's no wonder I got the flu in June this year and it lasted a little over a month
Difficult to focus and think
On what I need to do
Living with a difficult crazy person and me having severe back pain due to severe levoscoliosis
Tuesday, September 17, 2024
Every day and simple things are a battle with him
I could make a list a mile long of all the things I remember going through with him . He maintains false beliefs, creates arguments where none should be, is fixed in thinking and has delusions of control.
He won't believe Webster dictionary word definitions. He has his own meaning for words. It's as if wßg his own vocabulary where it's hard to communicate with anyone.
Z
Ultra sensitive to sound sight smell temperature touch taste I am
Extremely sensitive to most things of life.
Water drink food chemicals minerals vitamins wind air movement. Spinning too long in one direction.
People talking. Repetitive parrot mocking bird types.
Being interrupted in anything I am doing or thinking.
Location. Areas. Town, city, state.
Music. Turn off immediately if I don't like it.
Commercials.
While I am eating a meal food.
While reading.
Sounds of heavy machinery.
Babies baby crying.
Screech voices. Screaming. Yelling . Chatter.
Crowds.
Downtown anywhere. Parking. One way streets.
Petroleum gas fumes.
September 16 2024 he slapped me across left side of my face last night
he picked up a piece of cardboard he uses in his chair and hit me across the left side of my jaw area after he told me to "shut your stupid mouth" and the usual "you don't know what's going on. you don't watch the news and keep up with it. we are going to have world war three iii soon. putin in russia is not going to put up with it. you think you know it all. you are stupid. you think you have all the answers.... i just want to see the right things done and the way to do it is to support those who are doing the right things in office. trump needs to be president again. he will fix all the problems worldwide. we, the united states, are a major influence in the world.
i told him people desire power and control and they always will. after he and i die the world will be the same regarding men who want to control the world. i said he knows nothing about human behavior or animal behavior and that is why he understands nothing.
i said he looks at trump as a savior who will fix all of the u.s.s problems. he agreed with that. i said you think trump is jesus christ like he is going to save us all. what happens when trump dies he is old and he will die eventually by something be it old age or assassination.
he said "we will be hit with nuclear weapons and die instantly" so i said if you know that what are you afraid of? you won't know what hit you and you are going to die anyway. what can you do about it? what are you going to do?
https://www.salon.com/2021/12/26/schizophrenia-made-me-a/
Anosognoia. Doesn't recognize self mental illness. Can't see himself
https://www.google.com/search?q=anosognosia&oq=&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCQgAECMYJxjqAjIJCAAQIxgnGOoCMgkIARAjGCcY6gIyCQgCECMYJxjqAjIJCAMQIxgnGOoCMgkIBBAjGCcY6gIyCQgFECMYJxjqAjIJCAYQIxgnGOoCMgkIBxAjGCcY6gIyCQgIECMYJxjqAjIJCAkQIxgnGOoCMgkIChAjGCcY6gIyCQgLECMYJxjqAjIJCAwQIxgnGOoCMgkIDRAjGCcY6gIyCQgOECMYJxjqAjIRCA8QABgDGEIYjwEYtAIY6gIyEQgQEAAYAxhCGI8BGLQCGOoCMhEIERAAGAMYQhiPARi0AhjqAjIPCBIQLhgDGI8BGLQCGOoCMhEIExAAGAMYQhiPARi0AhjqAtIBBi0xajBqN6gCFLACAQ&client=ms-android-motorola-rvo3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
Sunday, September 15, 2024
His addiction obsessions
Politics
Sugar
Sameness
Free stuff accumulation
Hoarding
Desires Control of all but himself
The weather
The temperature in the house
Constantly turning on and off air conditioning fans. Burning firewood. Even when temperature in the house is fine comfortable. Can't figure out how to regulate his body temperature with clothes shoes using cold wet cloths or the like. Thinks whole house needs to be temperature he wants all the time
Weaker and more insecure feeling seem loudest, bold, obnoxious, annoying. Show off behavior
appearance, voice, smell
gunning engines. loud vehicles.
wild looking clothing.
yelling screaming catcalling
rude comments to try to get a reaction out of someone
Friday, September 13, 2024
The smaller the mind, the greater the conceit." -- Aesop
Your Daily Quotation:
"The smaller the mind, the greater the conceit."
-- Aesop
Thursday, September 12, 2024
Thick skulls
My mom used to talk about those who have a thick skull.
Those people you have to repeat yourself to constantly because they can't understand what you are saying.
Wednesday, September 11, 2024
Beautiful girls, women, females.
She really doesn't have to work hard to attract attention. All eyes are focused on her wherever she goes, wherever she is. Often she is unaware of this quiet "power" she has, especially when she is young, innocent and childlike. The affect she has on others is strong.
She is attractive to most heterosexual males, even if it is a slight attraction. Given the opportunity most men or pubescent boys would nail her in the bed, the car, outdoors. Virtually anywhere he can access her body.
She may not understand many things. Why she didn't get the job although she had the educational qualifications, the experience, the ability to do the work. If she does get a job she is watched like a hawk by all. Any mistake she makes is immediately noticed and magnified. Her less attractive coworkers are not reprimanded as hard or as often as she is. The pretty girl gets fired from jobs faster and easier in most fields of common work.
The attractive woman who figures out how to fit in with the group of other females at work, in the neighborhood, in any group of women or men will be able to keep her job longer. She must do things to cover her beauty. She will look plain and wear unflattering clothes and shoes. Her clothing will be loose, baggy, drab colors and will not show skin on her body such as breasts, legs or ass/butt. Her clothing will not be fitted and will not show the shape of her body. Clothes will not be fitted and cinched at the waist. She will not wear a waist belt to accentuate her hourglass figure.
She will not wear makeup, jewelry or any adornments. She will not have her hair cut and styled in a way that looks beautiful because nice looking hair is one of the first things a person notices. Males are very attracted to gorgeous healthy looking hair. It is a sign of health and youth.
She may adopt a "male" look in order to fit in. Cut her hair very short to look like a boy. Shave her head. Wear typical men's clothing, hats and shoes.
She may not understand why the harder she studies and the harder she works she gets nowhere.
She may not understand why some people hate her even though she is nice to everyone.
Men who can't fight
Old or young, weak or not strong. Not smart enough to outsmart. The ones who feel defeated, lost before they even started. Insignificant. Small. Not big enough. Lacking the feeling of power and control. Powerless. Don't know what their special gifts are so don't use them.
Can't fight battles. Are not prepared. Wounded. Insecure. Feels like a failure. He's not good enough, rich enough, wise or clever enough. He is competitive covertly or overtly. He still feels defeated like he can't compete with anyone or the world.
He wants power, freedom and control. He ends up losing control of himself while trying to gain the illusion of control over his life and often ends up attempting to control the environment and people either close to him or strangers.
The one who wants to dominate females, women, girls and feels like he can't get any female he wants.
That male/man/boy may become obsessed with
Politics
Religion
Weapons
Heavy machinery; cars, trucks, motorcycles
Working too many hours, too hard physically or mentally
Dumped paperwork from old student loan from 1984
My formal education means nothing and has been blocked from day one by partners I chose
These men have low self esteem. All told me crap like we can't afford for you to go to school, you are not able to go to school, you don't need that college or any school
From what I have learned about men it's the cute little girl beauty that gets all the benefits and the goodies anyway. It has nothing to do with hard work or intelligence when it comes to me.
The little doll gets it all, not the wife who works at anything and does everything for him and breaks her back neck body mind and gives her soul to please him.
He wants the little giggle giggles giggling girl who is young and cute. He doesn't want the smart woman. Smart women like me get shit on constantly.
He cracks his nuts bends over backwards shows off breaks his back to get his dick into that little girl who is not his wife.
Once married I am a doormat.
He does whatever he can to make my life a living hell. He makes sure he has plenty of money thousands of dollars to get stuff he wants and shits on everything I want and have. Criticizes and ridicules all things about me. What I think say like love and do. Mocks me repeatedly. Makes fun of me. Constantly criticises the way I look. The last one said you are not that good looking when I was in my 20s and guys hitting on me all the time everywhere I go.
Tuesday, September 10, 2024
There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with
Your Daily Quotation:
"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."
-- Harry Crews
Writing it down. A thing of hindsight
People don't write things down and don't want to keep records yet they struggle to remember and often demand proof.
Personal records and journals are but a flimsy piece of evidence compared to the professional records such as those kept by government offices and institutions.
Monday, September 9, 2024
Car racing heavy common amongst males. Show off. Loud, I'm here
Disruptive and scary like a gorilla beating his chest growling and grunting
Wild boy beasts males love thrills
Challenges, ready to fight, prove their strength, prowess. Always ready for danger, enemy attacks.
Instinct. I see it is common in little boys.
Just saw a black man make on a Harley blasting rap music racing the engine hard at a red light in the intersection. Perfect example of the strong man virile actions and activities.
Sunday, September 8, 2024
Have your own
Money. Keep amount to yourself. You already have your own spirit, the thing that will always be yours. No one can steal it the way they can steal anything else.
Friday, September 6, 2024
Should I respect a disrespectful brat
A human in an adult body who acts like a toddler spitting in my face shitting on all my words and everything about me...
Morons tell me I lecture
And they listen to nothing I say
They listen to the media, news, commercials, advertising and popular and commonly held beliefs
Includes many I have worked with, befriended, been married to or any other relationship including both of my sons
Brainwashing is easy for the pounding repetitive news and people spreading gossip and rumors and made up shit they believe in
Thursday, September 5, 2024
High blood pressure monitor he ordered ..now is the beginning of his diet realizations. Finally.
he had dental appointment tuesday september 3, 2024. his blood pressure was high--again as it has been the several times that I have gone with him to a hospital or appointment over many years.
maybe he will willingly make changes to his food and drink intake. maybe he will not. maybe he will be in better moods if and when he modifies his intake. maybe he won't.
maybe he will stop being abusive to me and quit calling me stupid, a dumb ass, telling me to shut the fuck up and treating me as if i am an idiot after he quits eating and drinking trash. maybe he won't.
i suspect he will go through major withdrawals from all of the toxic substances he had been ingesting for many years, more years than i have known him. the food choice intake began well before i ever met him. it is a family thing and a media pushed advertising thing with him as it is with most people.
FOOD and drink equal MOOD. Health status is everything.
Tuesday, September 3, 2024
Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to... But be respected: that is essential
Your Daily Quotation:
"Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to... But be respected: that is essential."
-- Anna Gould
Monday, September 2, 2024
Nothing stays the same as far as buildings..
Businesses homes vehicle cars material things locations areas cities towns
Drove by Smith Hale junior high today. Torn down. Gone forever.
The school my grandfather, grandpa Leroy Farrell Mitchell began teaching at back in 1971 maybe 1970. In April 1971 we moved to a new house in Belton Missouri. I was 9 years old and in fourth grade. Went to Hillcrest elementary school off of 58 highway North Ave in Belton not far from the new house on Stacey Drive. It's now called Hillcrest School. Wilckens steam academy. K-6 grades. Kindergarten first second third fourth fifth sixth.
I left Longview lake walking in the park there drove on Longview Rd past raytown road and saw that the old Smith Hale school is finally torn down and all gone for good.
Grandpa died in March 2018. He was a teacher there until 2010 or so. Not positive on the year he quit teaching there and began teaching at a school for handicapped disabled kids on Grandview Rd in Kansas City MO . Dale M Thompson 4800 Grandview Rd Kansas City MO
I set a 5 dollar bill on fire around 30 years ago
In front of him. He freaked out. Wet it. Yelled what ARE you doing?! I did it..his attitude was acting like 5 bucks is a big deal giving it to me like it was a huge favor and I don't didn't earn nor deserve it...such a large amount of money...
Sunday, September 1, 2024
Value lies in the pretty little girl. Not her money or hard work.
Old and young beasts will die for that lust of youth. The last fountain shot out during their last breath.
Dumping more stuff today. Hoarder syndrome cure.
Trash and treasures. Almost All of John's pictures are gone for good. Crates, containers, milk plastic crates. Ending my episode of wanting to learn about making money through selling old used stuff. Auctions, sales... hanging on to junk. Discovering what people buy on eBay.
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Doctor said I have no cataracts, no glaucoma and no macular degeneration which is good. He said my pupils were well dilated so he did not ha... -
am i really a failure? am i doing what i am able to do? OR am i unable to fit into other people's boxes, unable to keep up with dem...
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Any person I am talking to immediately diverts their attention to someone else or some animal or some other things in the area. They drop t...