Thursday, March 30, 2023
Tuesday, March 28, 2023
Broken back today. Barely able
Severe lower back pain
Could barely pick up laptop off the bathroom floor
Thought about er in the emergency room
But what are they going to do?.
Probably would do pain pills which eat up your gut guts
Don't want pills
Monday, March 27, 2023
Chuck was NASTY
2014 i ended up being is one and only caregiver
charles strand born november 29, 1948
chuck the cheapskate tightwad penny pincher
more than frugal... evil stingy greedy
took advantage of any situation person place or thing to try to use to his advantage. ..a super great shopper met his match one day a woman who outshopped him, jeri... a woman with a kind heart who said chuck don't buy every single one on the shelf because it is on sale, be considerate and leave some one or more for other people. he reluctantly did it.
a true money grubber . single never married in his his life. no children, no kids, no family to carry on his genes. he told me he would have sex with a woman many years ago and immediately jump up clean up demand she clean up. he used hand lotion on himself to take care of his personal needs as he grew older living alone and watching porn pornographic material magazines movies etcetera.
he might have been a reject when he was a young teen upon entering puberty. girls probably pushed him away for the most part due to his personality, definitely not his looks when he was young he was actually a strikingly handsome man. he became overweight fat in the gut ruptured hernia poking out of his belly when he was in his 50s.
humiliated me did not appreciate what i was or what i was doing for him
ripped me off 600 dollars supposed to pay me 600 for 6 days trip to houston texas
for his stage 4 liver cancer liver replacement options for surgery
was so nasty to me while we played bingo in the hall that a man who was a former sheriff in the department in texas glared at chuck said i will put you 6 feet under in the dirt if you talk to this lady that way again...mister we don't treat ladies like that here in texas and i won't hesitate to take you out right now
chuck said "what are you a moron??!!" to me when i was playing bingo
i don't know if he started out being such an ass hole when he was a child. however he sure ended up that way. the next door neighbor to john layson on spring valley road in raytown, missouri.
i ended up being the caregiver for john layson, by accident, also. not sure if i believe in karma or whatever thing people want to call it. that is what ended up happening. me, the caring loving motherly type. me: kind, giving, considerate always thinking about other people wanting to share, wanting everyone to be happy and feel good. me, ending up around miserable selfish greedy self absorbed grouchy old men and people including women at times.
judging others all the time. considered people worthless stupid mean ...basically the very things he was LOL
Definition of an asshole ass hole
n. Vulgar Slang.
1. anus.
2.
a. a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing.
anyone who says don't talk to them
don't tell them or anyone this or that
keeps you distanced and away from people
this person may have something or many things to hide
secrets
wrongdoings
shenanigans
dishonesty
criminal activities
sensitive personal information about them they don't want you to know
covering up things information
hiding
lies
lying
cheating
Women talk
To all of those tight lipped people (guys men or gals women)
trying to keep secrets, keep it covered up...
...don't tell anyone this or that
eventually the word gets out
some women talk about anything and everything
Sunday, March 26, 2023
Never had a fancy wedding. Never had a honeymoon
3 marriages
All dirt poor poverty
1. May 1979. Grandview church. Mother attended, no one else. Utmost in poverty with an infant 6 months old . Had been with him since January 1978.
2. October 1981. Miami Oklahoma fast overnight quickie marriage. Back to work the same day. No celebration . Had been living with him since March 1981. I was 19.
3. February 1998. At home. Preacher came for 50 bucks.
Dad was there along with inlaws I didn't invite. No celebration or honeymoon afterwards . Had been living with him since December 15, 1991. Took that long for him to make up his mind.
Cheapest and poorest ways the knot was tied.
Word Up by Cameo
first song I asked John about when I started working at super flea
back in January 2000
he knew right away it was the group CAMEO
Teachers
Dennis Beebe 7th history
Robertson art 7th
Romig math 6th grade
Audrey Ashburn
Larry Marshall 10th spanish
Dawson driver's ed
Stephenson. P.e gym
Clara 9th English
Russell 9th English
Civics 10th
Home economics 7th
10th chemistry
Saturday, March 25, 2023
17 Jobs you can do with scoliosis
https://respectcaregivers.org/jobs-with-scoliosis/
Teacher
Writer
Yoga
Agent
Instructor
Nutritionist dietician
I wonder if I can do these after I have back surgery
And an allowed and able to obtain the formal education required for them
Friday, March 24, 2023
Thursday, March 23, 2023
She praises adores He seeks admiration
what a balance
he wants total admiration
she gives it all to everyone
this is observation of people i know
Constant thing: Working doing things WATCHED
All being observed
men: is she available for sex
women: does she look better than me and will get attention from the guys more than me
Nervousness occurs when a need is there
visibly antsy shaking the body
moving about nervously
anticipating going somewhere to do something
looking around/about the environment
not paying attention to the person or people in immediate area
may appear frantic, anxious
wanting to leave as soon as possible
animal behavior
humans, cats, dogs, virtually any type of animal does these things
as I have observed, noticed
Wednesday, March 22, 2023
The things I need to do are exactly what he doesn't want me to do
Freely stretch my body
move
do full squats
dance
bike bicycle
clean house as needed when I can with no restrictions
dress up in nice clothes and go out to nice places not low class dives
Smile
Be friendly
Talk to people
If someone gave me an expensive car I'd sell it
jaguar, mercedes, bmw, whatever fancy expensive overrated automobile...
sell it
use the money to live
spare myself the headaches of ownership of an impractical thing I don't need, want, have no use for
Tuesday, March 21, 2023
Health status
Annual wellness check physical
Fine
Colon cancer screening
Fine
Breast cancer mammogram screening
Fine
Blood work
Fine
Std tests
Fine
Heart lungs kidneys .. Fine
Spine
Crooked
Eyes
Cataracts
Teeth
Need 2 fillings and cleaning
It is amazing what you can accomplish when you do not care who gets the credit." -- Harry S. Truman
Your Daily Quotation:
"It is amazing what you can accomplish when you do not care who gets the credit."
-- Harry S. Truman
Am I that little girl
That tween insecure scaredy cutie who
Wants to be perfect
Wants to be pretty.. imagine most beautiful what a lie
Wants to be loved
Falls in love easily
Tried tries to conform
Fluidly
Shape myself to whoever is around
Whatever is in environment
Ending up never can please
Never the perfect one
Undesirable unwanted tossed trash on the side of the road kill
Murdered down the ravine
Can't go slow enough
Can't be fast enough
Speed isn't right ever is it ?
Easy lay or hard to get I'm wrong both ways either or neither love or not. Hot or cold. Quiet or talkative I lose and lost the game they play.
Not getting anywhere
Not going
Dead zone girl
They get another find someone else to squeeze life out of shove rod into body strangle slap spit on shit on til Dead
No more breath
I breathe too much
Take up too much space
Move over
Get out of my way
Shut up your stupid mouth trap
Clamp jaws
No food no water
Watch her wither dry up dead old bitch
Young dumb girl old lady hoe woman
No brains
No muscle
Go walk the streets pregnatto can't afford to feed you slutface cunt worthless hole
Talk nice to me only when you want it in the mood, got it from me the hole between my legs or in my head then
back to being rotten abusive to me and finding another whore then another..more and more to slap around while you laugh at me because I am a fool and so are they we believed it when you said I love you and you are mine nobody elses . The whole time you knew you were lying and I didn't know it neither do most girls and sweet women
Punched kicked in the head sodomized raped awake and in my sleep..creeps.. thrown down on the ground. Faux strangled shoved targeted by moving objects blacked eyes and one tried to rip my right breast boob off my body after bashing me in face blackening both my eyes right and left. Bitch he said I'm going to rip it off of you...
What did I do what did I say . Not anything this one was drunk drugged up and driving hit a fire hydrant before trying to kill me.
Sober ones are just as mean. Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for some not all .. lying cheating beating criminal abusers. Many clean cut joes johns beat a girl a friend a stranger their woman wife kids dog or whoever is around in the line of angry fire
Monday, March 20, 2023
Don't have a lot of time left
Don't have much going for me
Old 61, crippled broken back in chronic pain, ugly, fat, flabby, out of shape, stupid, incapable unable of doing much of anything important worthwhile, undesirable, unwanted,
Not much has changed with me since I was born unwanted unexpected prior to and following birth
Sunday, March 19, 2023
Saturday, March 18, 2023
Things I can't give to others. Character traits must be learned by the self.
ethics
kindness
patience
empathy
persistence
Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn.
Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz
American poet
NONfood and drink items
When you're living on next to nothing, on a budget, have to feed yourself and your family daily weekly monthly like I have done starting when I was 16 years old. I learned what to do when I only had 5 bucks to spend for a day to eat and survive.
Shopping for groceries is easy peasy for me: Go straight to the fresh food aisles for meat vegetables and fruit. Use caution in the frozen food aisle: get flash frozen fruit, veggies and some types of meat that do not have coatings of msg flour funky unknown flavorings.
Fresh food: Meat, veg, fruit, dairy: eggs, milk, butter
Beverages: Stick with plain tea, coffee and make it myself
Spices: buy separate individual plain fresh, dehydrated. Avoid any type of concoction that is already put together as a lot of of them contain mostly salt msg miscellaneous unknown ingredients such as "natural flavor"
Sparingly buy any processed food in bags, boxes, cans, bottles (any type of container) such as snacks and beverages.
Avoid these
Processed by man, factory/factories, farmed fake
Sugar loaded drinks and artificially sweetened, dyed, color, enchanced, beverages
soda, flavor aid koolaid, gatorade, sports drinks, fruit flavor usually in plastic containers
CANDY
COOKIES
CAKES
CUPCAKES
PIE (SOME, NOT ALL)
DONUTS/DOUGHNUTS
prepackaged mixes: gravy, sauces, seasonings, fake cheese sauces usually in powder form
Friday, March 17, 2023
Short tempered people: Been dealing with all of my life
Husband, grandma/grandmother (maternal), ex husband. Hot tempered. Easily aggravated. Throws temper tantrums often.
Sits and stews brews anger daily over whatever is going on that they don't like .. usually something someone said or did or meant or implied or didn't do or was about to do. Broods/brooding.
Becomes quiet for awhile with fixed gaze then picks their appropriate time which almost always coincides with dinner time meal time or at any time of day.. the first thing in the morning is also a favorite time ... or when coming into the door of the house. Will find something somewhere to be upset about and yell.
then she/he will blow a fuse, cork, the rage and temper becomes out of control...
they fly into a rage like a screaming banshee
I was a child living with grandma when she did this "stunt" almost daily at home in the car, or anywhere we were togegther where there WERE NOT OTHER people around. She didn't want anyone else to hear her nasty words or see her when she committed her heinous crimes of throwing fits at me frequently.
I was trying to figure out what she was and I became interested in psychology. I thought she was a "hysterical neurotic" after I read about psyche disorders when I was 10, 11, 12 and a teenager.
By the time I was 10 years old I thought I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Later I decided psychologist due to finding out the educational requirements and length of time it would take to be a shrink who could dispense meds.
He does the same thing. Status is important. What would the neighbors think?
She wanted to be perfect. She said she was a perfectionistic and very proud of it. She wanted me to be her model of perfection. She said she was going to mold me.
She had an extreme aversion and hatred for cigarette smoke and any kind of smoke. She quit smoking cigarettes September 17, 1967. Benson and Hedges gold pack. So after she quit suddenly this smoking became one of her frequent topics of conversation saying how much she hated it and that "rich people don't smoke" (Haha. Look at hollywood bollywood celebs celebrities then and now today with all of the drugs some of them do. The are simply people like anyone else. Not special, perfect or godlike in any way. Not above any kind of habit, activity, desire, urge, instinct good or bad)
So I would almost be like a frozen model doll alot of the time not knowing exactly when the shit was going to hit the fan and doing my best to do my chores my homework my duties .. go to school. Clean house. There was a whole lot of house cleaing at grandma's house. She had chores for me to do constantly every single day. She could not stand to see me relaxed. Happy enjoying myself. Or anyone else.
She had to upset me and nitpick, nag, bitch pick a fight. Blow up.
She thought it was "good to get anger out of her system" with a "good fight" every once in awhile, claiming it was good and cleared the air. She was proud of her hot temper and controlling nature.
Proud of her money and material things. Her house, clothes, car. Furniture. Nice things. Said she thought she looked like a million bucks.
The get pissed over a look on my face. A word I said or did not say. The way I look. The way I act. My tone of voice. My preferences in food, music, activities. My thoughts spoken or unspoken.
My dreams, desires, hopes wishes. My peace and love I feel and talk about and display. My hugging other people. Jealousy ensues.
Who I hang around with. Who I talk to. Who I don't talk to.
Grandma taught me some beneficial things: Keep my body, house and car clean. Eat high quality good healthy food. Take vitamins. Manage money. Stay out of trouble. Be honest. Keep my "nose clean". Sex is the number one thing men want. Stay away from people who look bad and do bad things like being dirty in mind body soul and surroundings. Do not associate with criminals. Work a "decent' job. Earn money legitimately. Don't cuss/use curse words (even though she cursed like a sailor often..I was not allowed to say even the word "crap" around her). Watch my mouth. Be respectful, polite, courteous.
She never showed me how to figure a checkbook or actually manage money.. I learned it all by myself after I left her house/home and lived on my own with husband one two and three. But I remember her methods of keeping all the bills in a holder on the wall in the kitchen and paying them on time.
I remember her taking me shopping for clothes and she would get items on sale. She bought me new, nice clothes until I was 14 when I told her I wanted to pick out my own clothes. Then she put her foot down because I wanted control over my own dress choices and she never took me clothes shopping again.
Any time I display my own choices which differ from hers or his they become extremely upset. Lack of control.
Sweet innocent young fresh female is desired. Forget all the glam glitter flashy attempts to look sophisticated.
Natural clean beauty is always desired by males/men/boys of any species.
The are attracted to the maid, cleaning lady, young tween girl who scrubs and cleans,
cooks and washes clothes. She wears simple ordinary plain looking attire not trying to attract
attention at all.
She draws the most attention by being coy coquettish girlish shy
I know from my own experiences.
I have stripped myself down to nothing but plain clothes, no makeup, no or minimal jewelry,
No hair dye/color.
Plain Jane
Simple Sarah
Knowing and doing are two different things.
Lots of us know alot of things.
Doing or not doing them is the key.
Thursday, March 16, 2023
Wednesday, March 15, 2023
Celebs do what average person is afraid to do. Fame and notoriety ensues, the end result.
following
no privacy anymore
being watched intently constantly in each and every activity of daily moments of life
Reinventing wheel is not necessary; Basics rule life.
Primary
air food water sunshine reproduction replication
creativity
seen loved adored appreciated by others : parents first
sibling peers school mates teachers bosses co workers
the self
What is the difference between me and any other person? Celebrity, famous, not famous, ordinary or otherwise...
I want my privacy
solitude
control of my life totally not dependent upon anyone else's opinions
directions views input
Monday, March 13, 2023
Saturday, March 11, 2023
MONEY IN MY POCKET BANK FRUGAL LIVING FINE IN POVERTY IN THE U.S.
MY BOOK I AM WRITING
LIVING PRACTICALLY
OR PRACTICALLY LIVING?
MONEY TALKS WALK THE TALK
none is the word
no loans
owe nothing on credit cards
no student loan
no mortgage
TRASH GARBAGE
USE BAGS FROM STORE WHEN SHOPPING FOR TRASH
FOOD AND DRINKS
SALES COUPONS
BEAUTY HEALTH
NO MAKEUP OR MINIMAL
DO OWN FACE HAIR NAILS
CLEANING
HOME HOUSE
AUTO CAR TRANSPORTATION
INSURANCE
MEDIA EXTRA UNECESSARY EXPENSES
CUT OR NEVER START SUBSCRIPTIONS
CABLE STREAMING NETFLIX MOVIES BOOKS MEDIA MAGAZINE SUBS
ENTERTAINMENT: NO SPORTING EVENTS THAT COST TONS OF MONEY LIKE MLB MAJOR LEAGUE STADIUMS PAYING EXORBITANT AMOUNTS FOR FOOD PARKING TICKETS
Friday, March 10, 2023
My own wishful thinking. I thought that other people were like me. No way. Most are not.
My nature as a small child: Extremely sensitive, intuitive, loving, kind, helpful, empathetic, giving, considerate. Caring, soft hearted, thin skinned. Cries easly. Moody.
Fun loving. Inspiring. Helpful. Attentive.
Cooperative. High spirited. Gracious. Grateful.
Polite.
Bending over backwards to do anything I could to make or keep another person or animal happy. Keep or make peace. Run from fights, screaming, yelling, war, destruction.
It is still my basic nature however has become quite diluted due to me being in survival mode. I feel like an animal living in a cave most of the time. Anything to avoid a fight.
Living with one after another who is NOT like me. Working around and experiencing the variety of people who are not really one bit kind. Not soft hearted. Hard as a rock. The kill or be killed attitude. Warlike. Ready to start and pick a fight even without a reason,
I can't talk sense to insanity. Being logical does no good with a crazy person.
The story of my life.
Wasting my breath talking logic and acceptance that each creature is a unique individual.
Crazy does not comprehend logic regarding the fact that each person has differences in perception, needs, wants, desires, creative and destructive expression.
Crazy insane believe that all should be the same. Differences are not allowed.
Any variation from their view will result in immediate persecution, torture, isolation, your death/a murder, attempted murder slow or fast via any one of various methods
Materialism
Is overrated
begins in infancy : adults are taught it and teach their children
news and media: movie, music, books can promote it
Can cause:
hoarding
misery
mental illness
depression
suicide
anxiety
threats
burglaries
thefts
mental emotional physical abuse
destruction of self, others and property
greed
self loathing
jealousy
envy
anger
lack of self confidence, self esteem
low regard for individuals without many resources, money, wealth, fame
early death
fear: unresolved, unknown,
bias, prejudice
hatred
doubt
Wednesday, March 8, 2023
Don't expect anyone to know how you feel... Ever
They don't know
Don't care
Don't want to know
Most stand in judgement
Remain and retain their beliefs and opinions
Forget trying to convince
Explain
Much to anyone
Cat's view at the top is what I see
black cats
white cats
any color or type of cat
feline family
i love
and
i am
Some act like they haven't seen a bosom or a butt
some act like they haven't seen flesh
when a bosom or butt is viewed
we all have a chest and an ass
so what's the deal
If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you'll get the best. Begin to live as you wish to live." -- Author Unknown
Your Daily Quotation:
"If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you'll get the best. Begin to live as you wish to live."
-- Author Unknown
Tuesday, March 7, 2023
Distractions.
do not distract male from their work
do not distract female from their work
job duties activities
anything a man male boy sees can distract him
anything a woman female girls sees can distract her
from concentrating
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." -- Mark Twain
Your Daily Quotation:
"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."
-- Mark Twain
Saturday, March 4, 2023
Do the things he tells me not to do
I should do
these are the things that scare the pee waddles out of him
The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else." -- E. E. Cummings
Your Daily Quotation:
"The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else."
-- E. E. Cummings
Friday, March 3, 2023
Wednesday, March 1, 2023
Those who tell you to shut the f xx up ... are scared of truth coming out
they have
fear of my mouth
being revealed
hearing the truth
they don't want to hear it
The definition of success is getting many of the things money can buy and all the things money can't buy." -- Zig Ziglar
Your Daily Quotation:
"The definition of success is getting many of the things money can buy and all the things money can't buy."
-- Zig Ziglar