https://abbymedcalf.com/the-five-reasons-people-pick-fights-and-three-things-to-do-about-it/
https://www.wellandgood.com/picking-fights-no-reason/
Skip to main content
Lifestyle
Health
Shopping
Fitness
Food
Beauty
The Slow Shop
Lifestyle
Sex
Relationships
Career
Astrology
Travel
Health
Healthy Body
Pregnancy
Menstrual Health
Gut Health
Healthy Mind
Shopping
Sales
Footwear
Active Clothing
Loungewear
Fitness Gear
Fitness
Workouts
Yoga
Running
Recovery
Interval Training
Food
Nutrition
Healthy Meals
Beauty
Skin Care
Hair
Makeup
Nails
The Slow Shop
About Us
Well+Good Podcast
All Topics
Become an Insider
Enter Email Address
Subscribe
Search
Enter Search…
Search Button
Lifestyle
Relationship Tips
Therapists Reveal What It Really Means When It Feels Like Your Partner Picks Fights for No Reason
Erica Sloan
Updated January 11, 2024
Thumbnail for Therapists Reveal What It Really Means When It Feels Like Your Partner Picks Fights for No Reason
Pin It
Photo: Stocksy/Lucas Ottone
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on email
It’s easy to see and feel the damage wrought by a blow-out fight in a relationship. But the strain caused by a partner picking fights for no reason (you know, the little arguments over how you made the bed or looked at them in a funny way) can be more insidious. Sure, you might be able to resolve these minor disagreements as quickly as they started. But if the *real* reason why you're always fighting isn't addressed (whether at home or in couples therapy), this bickering can wear at the quality of your relationship over time, generating a baseline level of tension that puts you on edge in any interaction with your partner.
Experts In This Article
Abby Medcalf, PhD, clinical psychologist
Paulette Sherman, PsyD, psychologist, relationship expert, and host of The Love Psychologist podcast
Tracy Ross, LCSW, New York City-based couples and family therapist
No matter how pointless these fights may feel, they often speak to some underlying issue within the person picking the fights or the relationship in question. “I’ve had whole sessions with couples about how someone loads the dishwasher,” says couples therapist Tracy Ross, LCSW. “But it’s not really about the dishwasher. It’s about holding each other in mind and accepting each other's influence.” The person picking the fight in this example, she says, might really be questioning their partner’s listening skills (Didn’t they hear me when I asked them to load the dishwasher this way?) or empathy (Don’t they care about how their actions affect me, or about making me happy?).
“When [constant fighting] is the climate in a relationship, the positive emotional currency is quickly drained.” —Tracy Ross, LCSW, couples therapist
Understanding your partner’s behavior and uncovering the real reason why they may be picking fights for (what seems like) no reason can help you avoid the rabbit hole of everything becoming a fight. “When this is the climate in a relationship, the positive emotional currency is quickly drained,” says Ross.
Related Stories
7 Unexpected Tips We Learned From Relationship Therapists This Year for Boosting Connection and Intimacy
7 Unexpected Tips We Learned From Relationship Therapists This Year for Boosting...
Arguing Can Be Positive for Your Relationship—Here Are 7 Tips for How To Fight Fairly
Arguing Can Be Positive for Your Relationship—Here Are 7 Tips for How...
Can Your Couples Therapist Also Be Your (or Your Partner’s) Personal Therapist, or Is That Weird?
Can Your Couples Therapist Also Be Your (or Your Partner’s) Personal Therapist,...
Below, you’ll find therapist insights on the motivations behind a person’s tendency to pick fights with a partner about random or unimportant things, as well as advice for mitigating this kind of relationship conflict.
5 reasons why your partner is picking fights for what feels like no reason
1. They’re craving attention
At the very least, picking fights for no reason in a relationship forces attention on the person picking them—which, according to therapist insights, may be all that your partner is seeking from you (albeit, in a not-so-great way). “If a person is feeling lonely, unseen, or as if they’re not a priority to their partner, they might pick a fight as a bid for connection,” says Ross.
As an example of what picking fights for attention may look like, consider this scenario: Your partner arrives home and asks how your day was, but you don’t look up from your phone to respond. “They may feel slighted, hurt, unimportant, or simply disappointed about not having that momentary connection, so when you then ask for a glass of water, their response may be to pick a fight,” says Ross—say, about why you can't get the water yourself.
Of course, the fight here isn’t actually about the glass of water; it’s about the attention that your partner is seeking from you but not receiving, says Ross. They’re just not capable of or choosing to communicate that desire more productively in the moment.
2. They fear or reject the idea of real intimacy
Some people may actually find it difficult to tolerate too much harmony, says Ross, as paradoxical as that may sound. After all, harmony often fosters a relationship dynamic of intimacy, closeness, and connection—with which many people are uncomfortable, says clinical psychologist Abby Medcalf, PhD, author of Be Happily Married.
Perhaps your partner would rather avoid intimacy than do the vulnerable work of opening up and trusting you with their feelings. In this case, “picking fights for no apparent reason is the perfect way to keep [you] at a distance and keep themselves ‘safe,’” says Dr. Medcalf.
It's also possible that your partner may be so afraid of getting their heart broken should they get too close to you, that they manufacture random relationship conflicts in order to prevent that. This is a common tendency in people with an insecure attachment style, says Ross: “[In these people], there is this underlying fear that their loved one’s attention and affection will be withdrawn at any moment. A coping mechanism is to pick a fight in order to beat them to the punch.”
In a similar realm, an insecurely attached partner may also feel unworthy of the kind of love you might be willing to provide—so, they end up self-sabotaging and picking fights for no reason in a relationship in order to prove themselves right, says Dr. Medcalf. “They pick fights, the other person rejects them, and they say to themselves, ‘I knew it! When things get a little tough, they’re not there for me,’” she says. “They’re testing their partner and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of being abandoned or rejected.”
3. They’re seeking the upper hand in the relationship
Speaking of self-sabotage... It’s also possible that a person picking fights for no reason is doing so as a way to ensure they’re in control of the relationship—at all (very real) costs.
“Many people are uncomfortable when things are going well,” says Dr. Medcalf. “It makes them feel out of control and anxious, as if they’re constantly ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop,’” she says. Whereas, when they’re fighting, they’re engaging the other person on a certain level, which makes them feel better because at least they’re seemingly in control of things, she says.
4. That’s how they learned to communicate as a child
In some cases, a person might not even realize that the little fights they’re constantly starting are fights, particularly if bickering was a familiar aspect of the relationship dynamics in their childhood home. “How you saw your parents or siblings relate to one another and to you is how you learned the ‘right way’ to communicate, listen, and understand yourself,” says Dr. Medcalf.
“How you saw your parents or siblings relate to one another and to you is how you learned the ‘right way’ to communicate, listen, and understand yourself.” —Abby Medcalf, PhD, clinical psychologist
If your partner grew up in an environment where adults in their vicinity were constantly fighting with each other, they might have learned that fighting is how you show others that you care, says Dr. Medcalf, which may be why they’re perpetuating these emotional patterns in your relationship.
5. Picking fights for no reason has become a habit of theirs
Like any negative relationship behavior, the more that a partner is picking fights for no reason, the easier it is for that to become the default emotional pattern, says Ross: “It’s easy to just inadvertently keep the negativity going if that is your ‘go-to’ habit.”
How to improve communication and trust in your relationship
First things first: When you’re dealing with someone who starts fights for no reason, it’s important to remember to be compassionate, no matter how difficult that may feel, says Dr. Medcalf, especially as you’re trying to understand your partner’s behavior and emotional patterns and triggers. Given the above, your fight-starting partner may very well be operating from a place of loneliness, fear, or insecurity—all of which are emotions deserving of your kindness.
You can de-escalate things and avoid communication issues by first determining the particular emotion that is driving them to spark conflict in the first place. Often, an argumentative person may subconsciously expect you to just figure out the problem by “reading their mind,” says Ross. (As in: He should know, I’ve told him this so many times, or Why doesn’t she just do it?)
To keep from falling into this trap, take a moment during the next seemingly meaningless conflict with your partner to ask about what’s really going on, says Dr. Medcalf. “Stop the conversation, say what you’re feeling, and then ask how they’re feeling. For example, you might say, ‘I’m feeling a lot of tension all of a sudden. How are you feeling right now?’” she suggests.
At first, your partner might deflect or fire back defensively, but you can guide them toward communicating actual emotions by continuing to share your own. “Remember that picking fights is largely unconscious,” says Dr. Medcalf. “They probably don’t realize that they’re doing it, but by asking them again to name a feeling, you’ll effectively bring them into the present moment.”
Once they hopefully state an emotion (e.g., "I feel upset that you aren’t taking my needs into account"), you can respond to and connect with that feeling, rather than just bickering about whatever surface-level thing started the argument in the first place. This way, the two of you can participate in a productive conversation, which creates a joint opportunity to take care of your relationship and build trust, says Ross.
In that framework, you’re also not laying the blame for the bickering on just your partner (for “starting it”), and they’re not laying the blame on just you (for “causing them to start it”). Instead, says Ross, you’re viewing it as a mutual bad habit that you have to work on together—at home or in couples therapy—in order to break.
Frequently Asked Questions About Picking Fights for No Reason
Why do I pick fights for no reason?
If *you're* the one picking fights with your partner for seemingly no reason, it's helpful to do some self-reflection along the lines of the therapist insights above. Perhaps you are actually seeking attention from a partner that you feel you don't get unless you're arguing; or maybe you're grappling with unresolved issues around intimacy and closeness—and fighting is the way you keep yourself from having to get vulnerable with a partner.
You may also be driven to pick fights in response to particular emotional triggers, or your communication style could be influenced by argumentative relationship dynamics you observed during your upbringing. Or perhaps you're just starting fights due to stress, exhaustion, or lack of sleep (all common reasons why people wind up fighting on vacation).
If, after some reflection, you still aren’t sure why you're picking fights with your partner (or are looking for signs someone is picking a fight with you, instead), it may be worth looking into couples therapy. This will give you and your partner a safe space to discuss communication issues (and teach you how to save a relationship from fighting that never ends).
What are some signs someone is purposely picking fights with you?
There are numerous signs someone is picking a fight with you, and if you spot them early, you may be able to de-escalate things before they get too heated. “Some signs can be that they are passive-aggressive (they say one thing and do another), attack your character, or ignore and stonewall you when you’re talking to them or are asking for something,” says psychologist and couples therapist Paulette Sherman, PsyD, author of Dating from the Inside Out, noting that these are all common triggers for why couples fight.
Elements of personality can also influence how someone may go about picking a fight with you—which is why you might also learn something by reading up on what to expect from different zodiac signs in a fight, some of which are better at conflict resolution than others.
What is a person who likes to argue called?
According to Dr. Sherman, a person who is always looking for a fight is called a “scrapper” or a “contrarian,” and there are many reasons why they may be so argumentative. “Sometimes this gives them [a sense of] control over situations,” she says. “They can seem like a bully, but they often have low self-esteem, and winning an argument can temporarily make them feel better about themselves, or powerful.” Or, again, they might pick fights because of emotional triggers or unresolved issues from past relationships. But it’s not always that deep; some individuals simply enjoy arguing for no reason at all.
What is the 3-day rule after an argument?
If you’ve never heard of the “three-day rule” after an argument, it says that people in a relationship should spend time away from each other for three days—we’re talkin’ no contact whatsoever—after things get heated in a fight. Dr. Sherman says that while this totally works for some couples (and if that’s you, go for it!), it can be nearly impossible for others. “This can seem extreme, for example, if you’re married, cohabitate, and have kids together,” she says.
If you need a quicker resolution, Dr. Sherman suggests opting for a 30-minute cool-off period apart, instead. “Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a marital researcher, suggests taking 30 minutes when you’re flooded to lower your blood pressure and get back to baseline,” she says. “During this time, do a meditation, and don’t think about or discuss the fight.” (Or, you can go for some solo scream therapy—you do you.) “Then, you can come back to discuss it in a calm manner.”
If 30 minutes isn’t enough, Dr. Sherman says you can both agree to wait 24 hours to discuss the fight, so that there's enough space and time for solo reflection—but you also don’t need to avoid each other entirely during that time.
The Wellness Intel You Need—Without the BS You Don't
Sign up today to have the latest (and greatest) well-being news and expert-approved tips delivered straight to your inbox.
Enter Email Address
Subscribe
Tags: Relationship Tips
Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.
Lifestyle
Sales + Deals
Countdown to the Sexiest Day of the Year With Lovehoney’s ’12 Days of Romance’ Calendar (Which Is 57% Off Now)
Well+Good Editors
January 30, 2025
Thumbnail for Countdown to the Sexiest Day of the Year With Lovehoney’s ’12 Days of Romance’ Calendar (Which Is 57% Off Now)
Pin It
Photo: W+G Creative
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on email
With the Well+Good SHOP, our editors put their years of know-how to work in order to pick products (from skin care to self care and beyond) they’re betting you’ll love. While our editors independently select these products, making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission. Happy shopping! Explore the SHOP
Whether or not you subscribe to the Hallmark side of Valentine's Day, there's no denying that a holiday devoted to love is a great opportunity to shake off the mid-winter blahs—especially in the bedroom. If you're coupled up, gifting your boo a sexy something is a great way to show your love and keep things exciting between you. And, if you're solo, it's an even better reason to treat yourself to a new sex toy (because nobody loves you like you do).
Luckily, intimacy brands like Lovehoney are currently throwing major sales (as in up to 57 percent off) to help you get in the festive mood. And, while the brand has slashed the price on plenty of high-value toys for the Lovehoney Valentine's Day Sale, there's one item that you absolutely must not miss: the Lovehoney "12 Days of Romance" Valentine's Day Gift Set, which is pretty much a sexy advent calendar.
lovehoney 12 days of romance calendar
Lovehoney 12 Days of Romance Valentine's Gift Set — $119.00
$270 value
Includes:
We-Vibe Moxie+ App and Remote Controlled Clitoral Knicker Vibrator (waterproof with 10 vibration modes)
Lovehoney USB Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator (waterproof with 3 speeds and 7 patterns)
Lovehoney Couple’s Rabbit Cock Ring (compatible with the included bullet vibe)
A clear body massager tool & vanilla massage oil
A sexy satin restraint
Womanizer Toy Gel (60ml)
Toy Freshening Wipes
A satin blindfold
Lovehoney Finger Vibrator Sleeve (compatible with the included bullet vibe)
Lovehoney Ribbed Stroker (compatible with the included bullet vibe)
Lovehoney Crystal Butt Plug
Sex Position Snap Card Game
Shop Now
This countdown-style box includes 12 smaller compartments stuffed with fun and sexy toys and accessories for both of you to enjoy leading up to the actual holiday. Each day, you or your partner can open one of the numbered doors to unveil a flirty gift, like a satin blindfold or bottle of lube. By Valentine's Day, you both will have *plenty* of goodies to explore.
If you're hoping to keep the element of surprise alive, go straight to the Lovehoney page and "add to cart"—and don't let your S/O see what you're shopping! Just do it fast, because calendars are already selling out. Or, snag one of the other devilish deals from below. Happy Valentine's Day!
Other big deals from the Lovehoney Valentine's Day Sale
magic wand rechargeable
Magic Wand Rechargeable Extra Powerful Cordless Vibrator — $120.00
Normally $150
The OG in the wand game, the Magic Wand is a tool everyone should add to their (sex toy) arsenal—especially while it’s 20 percent off. With a soft silicone head, a flexible neck, and eight vibration styles to play with, you’ll quickly understand why this classic toy has stood the test of time.
Shop Now
lovehoney indluge suction toy
Lovehoney Indulge G-Spot and Clitoral Suction Stimulator — $60.00
Normally $80
Take 25 percent off this dual-stimulating toy from Lovehoney. The suction side boasts seven speeds dedicated to clitoral stimulation, while the G-spot stimulator offers three speeds and seven patterns. Plus, you can control each end separately to fully customize your play time.
Shop Now
lovehoney rose dual stimulation toy
Lovehoney Rose Glow 2-in-1 Clitoral Suction Stimulator with Egg Vibrator — $45.00
Normally $60
Take $25 off this egg-style vibe that packs double duty as a suction toy. ICYMI, rose toys have been all the rage lately, and this one from Lovehoney—which uses the brand’s Pleasure Air Technology to stimulate your clit—is no exception. Even better, the opposite end of the toy is an egg-shaped vibrator that targets your G-spot with nine different vibration options.
Shop Now
Related Stories
The Best, Most OMG-Worthy Sex Toys That Launched This Year
The Best, Most OMG-Worthy Sex Toys That Launched This Year
The 12 Best Sex Toy Advent Calendars to Unwrap This Holiday Season
The 12 Best Sex Toy Advent Calendars to Unwrap This Holiday Season
Want More Orgasms in 2025? Lovehoney Has You Covered With 70% Off Vibrators, Lingerie, and More
Want More Orgasms in 2025? Lovehoney Has You Covered With 70% Off...
bionic bullet pleasure ring
Lovehoney Bionic Bullet 5 Function Vibrating Cock Ring — $18.00
Normally $30
Save 40 percent on this versatile pleasure ring from Lovehoney. It’s made from soft, stretchy silicone to fit comfortably, and has a textured exterior for added stimulation. Press the side of the removable bullet vibe to cycle through the two speeds and three vibration patterns until you find what’s (oh so) right for you.
Shop Now
lovehoney x womanizer starlet toy
Womanizer X Lovehoney Starlet Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator — $60.00
Normally $79
Looking for something small but mighty? This fan-favorite toy made in partnership with Womanizer is small enough to travel with discretely but still packs plenty of punch in the pleasure department. It offers four levels of pulsating air that are easy to toggle between directly on the device, no app needed. Snag it now for 24 percent off.
Shop Now
But wait, there's more!
Want to be the first to hear about the latest (and greatest) SHOP product drops, custom collections, discounts, and more? Sign up to have the intel delivered straight to your inbox.
Enter Email Address
Subscribe
Tags: Sales + Deals, Sex Advice, Sex Toys & Products, Well+Good SHOP
Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission.
Featured Collection
happy place
Paid Content Evolve
The Beach Is My Happy Place—and Here Are 3 Science-Backed Reasons It Should Be Yours, Too
how to use serum for face
Good Looks
4 Mistakes That Are Causing You to Waste Money on Skin-Care Serums, According to an Esthetician
best denim shorts for chafing
Active Clothing
These Are the Best Anti-Chafing Denim Shorts—According to Some Very Happy Reviewers
Wellness In Your Inbox
Well+Good helps you to pave your own personalized path to living well. Get inspired, on the daily.
Enter Email Address
Subscribe
Youtube
Well+Good
About
Contact Us
Press
Advertise
Topics
Skin-Care Tips
Food and Nutrition
Holistic Treatment
Fitness Tips
Relationship Tips
For You
Well+Good Shop
Accessibility Statement
California Notice of Collection
Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information
© 2025 Well+Good LLC. All rights reserved. Read our Privacy Notice, Cookie Notice and Terms and Conditions.
No comments:
Post a Comment