Is anybody anyone normal? What is normal???

I am open, friendly, flexible

Avoids trimming trees and pruning plants

 he thinks it kills them when it does the opposite

Ball and chain restrictor

Sense confusion: Smell, Sight, Sound

 I cooked fried chicken today. He said it smelled like bacon. I said, No guess again. He said "ham". 

No, guess again. It is not pork.

Steak?

No. it is not beef. Keep guessing. 

turkey? 

No

cornish hen? 

No

You are close, It is poultry. Keep guessing.

It is not fish.

chicken?  he finally guessed correctly.

This sensory confusion is also common with his sisters and brothers, his uncle Norman, his mother.

Seeing, smelling, hearing things wrong and things not there. 

If he she or them can't find something the first response is to blame someone for stealing it rather than admit they can't find it because they forgot where they left it.

 

 

Questions asked start the fight because he/she doesn't understand me, my thinking, reasoning or methods

in fact this applies to everyone else in the world as he can't seem to understand differences in people period. and this behavior is like my ex mother in law, my grandmother (both my moms mom and dads mom), my step grandpa leroy mitchell. control freaks 

and i do this same thing ... seeing what someone is doing or going to do and giving advice suggestions and all and guess what..they do not listen. the person continues to do exactly what they feel like doing.

q's like 

"what are you doing?'  

what are you going to do with that? 

what food are you going to make? 

any plans for today? 

where are you going? 

the best thing he can do is shut the freek up 

 never ask me any of these ridiculous questions about 

anything I am doing or planning to do 

or how i feel or what i want or 

where i am going who i am talking to 

what i am talking about, what i want, what i think, how i feel

why i am doing this or that

why i dress like i do

he is in a state of constant confusion about me and most people

regardless of how i answer the question he comes up with something he thinks

i should or should not do and believes this is the only way to do it 

 

 

I belong in the desert or tropics... somewhere like AZ NM Egypt Central america

 some hot dry climate or tropical where it is warm and hot during the day and a little cooler at night

Injuries never heal. TBI, bone. Emotional

 age 6 skull fracture. right side of head. 30 days grandma kept me in bedroom in dark at apartment garden grove california

going to iva meairs elementary school 1966 1977. 

 https://meairs.wsdk8.us/

16 kicked in head with male foot while i was sitting cross legged on floor. knocked out. raped sodomized. 

age 11 kicked in the face hard red kickball by boy at grade school play ground

age  6 or 7 boy smashed front of my head metal bowl cut gouged eyebrow deep wound 

12 or 13 slashed gashed wounded top of foot bicycle accident slid on gravel

age 54 broke middle toe left foot slid off stair onto hard wood cover wheel of dining room chair kitchen floor 

age 22 broke tailbone fell concrete stair carrying laundry basket down at 10301 e 78th st raytown missouri

 age 22 left eye blackeye husband my hit face he was wearing gold nugget fat ring with diamonds

age 16 blackeyes both left and right. he grabbed by right breast trying to tear it off my body

12 or more car accidents

 several times fell on knees 

several times fell on tailbone onto cement floors concrete driveways porch sidewalk parking lot

 bashed back of my head skull into cast iron bathtub. cinder block walls brick

countless cuts knife injuries bleeding on fingers hands

back of head bashed by car trunk lid many times

several boxes of car driveshafts axles fell on top of my head at work carquest auto parts while i was stocking parts on shelves. taken to research medical center meyer blvd kcmo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Difference between me and anyone else

 unknown. not famous. not in the news. not in the media. not rich. not wealthy. not important. not recognized. not known. not in the limelight.

doesnt want me to talk. no conversation. action appearance dominates him

cliches false beliefs he says

cost of everything value of nothing he knows

Made food this morning.

 Beef stew, tuna and salmon salad, cooked cranberries blueberries strawberries apple juice and applesauce.

all done in less than hour and a half

 

 

BS starts with questions from the narc leading to arguments, fights, battles every time

 each time I am beginning to do something, "What are you doing?"

then acting like he doesn't understand and/or attempting to take control of what I am going to do, predicting the outcome (often negative with "you can't do that", "you ought to do this", "that will never work", "that sounds good, why don't you do this or that"

WTF why can't I make my own decisions, do exactly what I feel I need to do without him or anyone barraging me with silly relentless questions and comments  

First thing this morning. I get the frozen beef out, chop onions celery garlic, get green pepper and carrots out to prepare food. What is it he asked "beef" I said. What are you going to make? I dont know yet. Either asian stir fry chinese or stew. 

conversations with many people who attempt to control what I am thinking, wanting, needing to eat, drink, sleep, work, methods have happened my entire life .. and i remember my mom saying her mom, grandma sarah would take over and not let her even bake a cake the way she wanted to do it. grandma would take the utensils out of her hand and say here you should do it like this not like that.... starting a fight every time

 

Wouldnt have had to go through allthis

 if i had succeeded with suicide 

first contemplation around age 10 11 or 12 obviously because of intense stress filled home household , inability to achieve petfection expected of me, knowing future would be terror horror misery death destruction

Should Book

A hypocritical man

what does hypocritical man do when away from home?

 

 A hypocritical man may act differently when away from home, potentially engaging in behaviors that contradict his stated beliefs or values. This could involve cheating, deceiving, or betraying others, particularly when he believes he's out of the reach of those he pretends to respect. He might also blame others for his own shortcomings while dismissing any of his own wrongdoings. 

A normal male wants to see his female partner happy and smiling

 This male sh''';ts on everything about me, does not want me to smile or be happy about anything

 

Rules of the game : NARCISSIST HYPOCRITE AUTOCRAT DICTATOR

 he or she can say and do what he wants and take no responsibilty for consequences of anything 

blames anyone everyone anything except himself for any wrong or bad things that happen

often ends up with partner mate girlfriend husband wife that is the opposite .. a person who may take blame for things that are not their fault and will feel responsible for making him/her/ others happy and taking responsibility for things that are not theirs

 

 

Unsolicited information and advice: I do often and should quit immediately

 no one wants to hear it. not unless they ask. even if they ask they usually don't want any advice.

lots of people are offended and hate me with a passion avoiding me at all costs and perceive me as a "know it all" and one "who speaks with such authority" 

a very old incident when I was around 11 ..my aunt Jeanne Shraps shook her head at me as if I shouldn't be telling her how to paint her fingernails when I simply repeated to her information I had learned about painting nails; NO hand lotion creams or oils prior to doing your nails. Clean the surface good with soap and water first. She had that look on her face, head thrown back when I said that. As if I should not know anything much less say anything about anything. 
I have seen that head thrown back in surprise look from many people after I mention something I learned. 

another incident when I was a little girl child while speaking to my girlfriends about painting nails. They mocked me made fun of me for saying "OH, don't FLOOD your nails with polish, huh???!"

another mockery of me from a guy I knew in high school named LONNIE. I said "To sum it up.." and he shook his head in mockery at my words. He was 5 years older than me and thought he was hot stuff which he was to lots of girls but not to me.

my words have spawned lots of mocking, hatred, vengence, jealousy, disgust from CERTAIN types of people

Smoking cigarettes age 16 began. first package

I give up labelling

 him. Any adjective i use to describe might be wrong. incorrect  

i have desperately tried to find answers to what he is with labels and categories by symptoms

so i can figure out what to do and help aid . do the right things..so he and i can be happy.

unfortunately nothing i say, not say or do  , or not do,  has made any significant difference in improving him. a team of professionals along with the most powerful "all" some call god are likely the ones who might have the best chance of rescuing him from insanity of him self 

i research physical mental emotional symptoms. attempt to define patterns correlations.

words like narc narcissist npd bully hypocrite misogynist mother oedipus complex madonna virgin whore narrowminded black white all nothing thinking where only good bad exist.

i am exhausted

i get the run around in circles on a hamster wheen going nowhere routine, not workable solutions and answers

confusion chaos. no resolution for problems. continued misery on his part. patterns ingrained ; the neural connectons formed probably during gestation as a fetus. fixed unchangeable by anyone except perhaps himself.

 

 

 

Frequently told me i need a different new personality

 told me i need to change my personality (to suit him by agreeing with everything he says and does)

 

He gave me a hug randomly earlier wed eve

 i was in the kitchen. he has been in his room watching a dvd game of thrones. about 20 or 30min before he came down with the random hug i had brought laundry basket with his clean socks underwear and sheets into his bedroom. i watched him sort and fold.

and earlier today he told me to leave go away when kirk was here. he said you two talking it drives me crazy .

he frequently tells me to go away, shut up. calls me bad names like dumbass 2 days ago when he said "a persons looks are determined by genetic code not what they eat you dumb ass" 

rubber band man ..slingshot guy..

 

Reorganized by room again today. Added a few appliances. Survival tactics at home

 toaster oven and pressure cooker added to my master bedroom today April 23, 2025

Other things in my room: popcorn maker, new electric skillet, food items: many large containers of nuts, dove dark chocolate, coffee, tea, oatmeal, canned goods (meat, tuna, soup, vegetables, fruit...)

coffee maker and brita water filter 2 gallon dispenser in my master bathroom

these things I do are so I can eat and do simple things in peace because he stirs up a fight causing a fuss / war almost every time I am eating or getting ready to eat, when he sees me prepare food he thinks he has to direct me in the preparation methods and what I am going to fix unless, like I did the other day, I get him involved in the process and he thinks it is his idea. I began making some chili a few days ago. He was here and saw me. I had a frozen 1 pound section of ground beef in the skillet. It was one he had frozen in a small plastic bag, just big enough to hold the meat so I had to destroy the bag to get it out. I put water in the skillet to help cook it the I got an army fork and showed him how to scrape the top off the hamburger to cook it easier. I asked him to find an appropriate can of tomatoes and 2 cans of beans in the pantry which he willingly did.

 

Dealing with these types

 men who wont listen

want goodies dont want to pay

dont want to clean up messes they make 

scream at me demand i do what they want then when i do or give it is ne er right

 

 

Wednesday early in day seems to be pattern of him leaving then getting back in time to do the drive thru pantry

All wordly material things you possess will be gone.

All wordly material things you possess will be gone.

The money, house, cars, stuff ..when you get old (if you re "lucky" enough to become old) it goes to the nursing home care facility doctors nurses care givers ..medical..drugs, prescriptions they force upon the elderly like my father who was doing fine without the scripts.

He listens to, watches premade media news music movies including the commercials. Eats food premade like fast food

autogenerated things. traditional, established, unchanging foods. he can't stand my food experiments and trying different things.

it is got to be the same old thing in what he does. he thinks that I and everyone else ought to  like and dislike what he does and be just like him otherwise I/we/you/they are "weird, strange, abnormal, fkked up, screwed up, crazy, something is wrong with me or you or her or him" differences are not tolerated 

 listens to a select few radio stations (like news on 98.1, 101.1 rock.. ) he wont change the radio station flipping thru fast like i do... i will not listen to it if i am not in the mood or dont like it

music, certain cds from old days rock and roll or new age music ..same stuff he has listened to since teenage years

watches at times the same old movies over and over again like groundhog day, then says to me you have already seen that movie why are you watching it again?

pops in porn tapes who knows how many there are..i have only seen a few of them and most were old from the 1990s early 2000s .. and watches from beginning to end of this crap..same old stuff over and over again

 He listens to premade news, music premade stuff with commercials.  And watches a movie or show the entire thing from beginning even though it may be bad negative 

Has established ideas about what people men and women should be like, look like, do, how they should dress, act and conduct themselves.

Has tremendously horrible stinking body armpit odor most likely due to consuming massive amounts of sweets, sugary drinks, too much meat

Early morning riser. 

 

 

 

I can tell music I like almost instantly. First few chords. He cannot understand my ability to do that

 so he listens to premade pandara playslists they make for him enduring all of it and listening to commercials. He says that I shouldn't be able to tell if I like it or not unless I listen to the WHOLE thing which I do not need to do yet he does, I suppose

 

Instead of asking those who know he fabricates things in his mind imagining reasons for why what who where

He has sympathy for strangers not me. cracks his nuts to please neighbors friends anyone but me

 Unless they are something like obese or look like something he does not like

Tight. tight lipped cheap ass eminener muddr freekers

 and sneeking bstrd hauling in the house and sheds storage here at home and at neighbors across street...who knows where else bull sheet crap he hoards ..some of the stuff i found and know about... like disgusting old parts for things and nasty filth porn he grabbed out of the neighbors shed and house many years ago and back in 2008 the rot porn in my ex hubs house.  the ex is another one..dirty old narc who put me at the bottom of the barrel of the list of importance.

i was too young naive ignorant and stupid to realize like the first sign of the ex ed edward way back in 1981 was him throwing a temper tantrum when i bought myself a friggin pair of shoes i needed .. the next 10 years were loaded with his fits of me doing without what i wanted scrimping on shit like food utilities etc and him getting expensive stuff he wanted like guns camping equipment stereos speakers cars clothing jewelry 35 mm cameras coin collections spending unknown amts of money on pornography magazines videos tapes dvds vhs tapes renting movies when blockbuster and hollywood video started

expected me to use all my money to pay child care gas groceries utilities bills 

threw a freeking fit when i visited my girl friends calling me begging me to come home make cookies ..traking me down 

RED FLAG warning sign!!!!

this hub of over 30 yrs threw hissy fit way back when in the early 90s when i bought a coffee maker for 10 ten dollars at walmart and forced me to return it because he didnt like the smell and said it ran up the electic bill it used over 1000 watts or whatever

these bs turds are always thinking somone is taking advantag of them ripping them off not paying them when in fact that is exactly what they do and are

constantly saying YOU OWE ME. you need to pay for this and that. you are supposed to work get a job pay for this shit i dont want to pay for and you keep owing and owe me money and slavery all the time. 

and this one is obsessed with tv movie vids the same and used to demand cable tv bs channels i used to pay time warner cable for him to watch fkking crap he liked costing an xtra 30 or 40 dollars a month for totally worthless crap 

then he tells me i dont do anything around here while he uses the phone i pay for since 2011 so he doesnt have to use up his cell phone minutes

many years ago over 20 a woman i was tlking to told me "he owes YOU, You dont owe him anything. he has is backwards,.."
 

he has called me complaining threatning when he knew i was celebrating 4th of july with my son and grandson sying someone is going to hit your van you dont park in crowded places... called bitching at me when i was at sons friends house in ks he had a swimming pool but i did not go swimming it was too cool.. he walked over to neighbors house many times when debra debbie wendy lived there i was visiting girl friends ..pissed at me thought i was 'having fun" and walked to other neighbor dave on 95th terrace twice over ten years ago once a july celcb. another was in the fall i carried a pumpkin pie free i had got at the church ... he made me leave party early both times and started to grab a beer i had in my hand while we were walking back home and my anger drew up inside me i had wanted to smash his fking face with the can but i restrained myself . he throws monkey wrenches into any activity he thinks i am enjoying feeling good having fun. he will not compliment me on anything about me the way that even strangers give me compliments and say nice things to me about the way i look or how nice my figure is or my clothes or hair look good or my face is cute pretty.  he will not say nice things to me about how i look what i do  or my intelligence.

he smirked his face at me when i sipped a cup of coffee at dennys metcalf thanksgiving of 2021 when i had money from selling tons of stuff from johns house and he insisted on buying me dinner because i did not see the need to cook a big dinner when we had no one to invite ..

 

 

 

 

 

Giving someone a known toxic poison substance is unethical

 and that is exactly what he has done on several occassions

as well as 

selling an item to someone he knows (one of the friends or neighbors or family members)

 to get his money back when the item did not meet expectations. some items are actually worthless trash that ought to be thrown out in the dump landfill and he hangs onto this shit until the very last second trying to squeeze out "usefulness' and get money the highest possible amount off this shit

we had very old scratched up pans that used to be nonstick i told him they were TRASH and unhealthy as hell and what did he do? give them to my eldest son to use as if he was giving him something good and useful

sold a worthless piece of shit tablet to debra/debbie to get his money back after he was dissatisifed with its performance

 

 

Weak, fearful, stingy do not share information freely. Will not help someone for free

 they seem to think they have a monopoly on their job position as if no one else should do it

 

Haven't met a hetero man yet who isn't instantly attracted to IT

New girl (in town, around)

Indoctrination

World. Society. Families. Government.

Military. Employers.  Corporations.  Schools. Justice system.

 All are set up for control. 

Victims of abuse really have no way out, nowhere to turn, no place to go.

Any person regardless of age, sex ( male or female or any other made up gender), wealth status, religious or not, is not free, equal to any other nor protected from further abuse.

 

dominant in the beginning I felt

 he thinks he dominates me. Would like to believe it. Fools himself into thinking he is in control. 

no ties, commitment or relationship

 guys want short term time fling in the bed sack . no chain. total freedom. no woman caretaker acting like mother

rather have freedom loving one and one treated like daughter child cute can be controlled (they think anyway) easily. do errands comply with demands commands and disappear after they served their purpose

 

 

 

 

I am told to endure anything regardless of what it is.

Give person exactly what they want. Leave them alone to do what they want.

 Stay out of the way. Do not give advice (easier said than done) and ...watch....in the background, in the distance.  Honor their wishes to stay away.

 

 

When you have no girlfriends. Teenage boys think you're cute. Me. 63.

When you have no girlfriends. me. 63.

skinny. almost flat chested. plain jane. nothing fancy about me.

why? what does it mean?
doing too many things "right" or "wrong" ?

it is pretty pathetic considering this has been true for many many years and now at my age with a huge hunchback looking bad it is useless for any person to have any sense of hatred or jealousy of me.

I didn't shove those Twinkies down your throat...

 said when I realized the obese woman's intense hatred of me

 all is sourced from same in different amounts

smart intelligent body
feeling pain is smart body saying stop that
sneezing get rid oF toxins
coughing, eyes watering
flood of feel good hormones chemicals when it is the right thing for you

AFFECTED

 AFFECTED. Who is not influenced by media music movies books news neighbors parents family friends siblings experiences?

I take me myself wherever I go

 so i will do the same things, think and say the same stuff regardless of where i am

Cant take the cold

 its getting worse everyday. intolerant to low temperatures. i was freezing yesterday it was 60 degrees. now its 46 outside.  i am under a sleeping bag and 2 blankets

one is electric heating heated

Norman talked about

psychology. human nature. mystery of the mind

indoctrination brainwashing media news and lies political ..what was really happening in world war 2 ii versus what the news articles said was going on were two different things

religion. christianity for one. understanding meanings in the king james bible.

etymology (word meanings)

sex the mystery to him of attraction

cars, trucks, automobile stuff, mechanical things

 

his attraction to me sexually. he could not understand why or what is was about me that drew him to me and made him desire to have sex with me. i was 25 he was 40 years older than me. i was born 1961 he was born in 1922

he wanted to give me all of his land his house property he owned in raytown, missouri then when he had to move to kingsville. the family took over with ownership as he had co owned property with his brothers and it ended up in his sister lorraine's possession ultimately ending up with her only son having it and living there out in the country. they ..james and others.. moved all of the old junk cars they could to the farm property in kingsville missouri.

 

 

Biggest Mistake I Made

  Loving first, giving all of myself too quickly.
Honesty. Transparency in my thoughts and feelings.
Making myself available to the man first, willingly and openly
INSTEAD of being the woman who is pursued by HIM.

 

Respect he has is ZERO

The Argument: Priority: Physical things and money (MISERY) OR spirit and experiences (JOY)?

 This seems to be the main discussion amongst people I know and have known.
I believe in having all of the physical things I need like food, clothing, shelter, gadgets, furniture, appliances and transportation. 

Excess of those things causes me great distress. It makes cleaning and moving around difficult. Finding things becomes a chore not a pleasant experience. Stuff sitting around in my way that I don't use, don't need or want is psychological torture. 

An angel is what some have called me. Am I an angel of mercy, of delight, of relieving a person of strong attachments to material things and being a hoarder?

 

John Layson

john layson

he died may 9, 2023. almost 2 years ago.

 LIFE: food, shelter, clothing, hobbies, activities

he asked me for home cooked food when he was in the nursing home
he called me many times. he asked for cell phone, earphones, headphones, speakers, laxative, clothes, change (quarters) money to use in vending machine and food. he asked me to program his roku tv in his room which i did. i didn't know how but learned it following instructions on the television.

 one food request was big mommas cinnamon rolls. i got him the rolls he enjoyed and said next time put icing on the side so i did. i brought him many packages of sweets like cookies cupcakes donuts pastries i got from the food pantry every week. he said sarah thank you for bringing me all of the sweet snacks but if i eat too many of them it might kill me.

his house crammed full. hoarder.

when i visited him in summer of 2015 2016 our mutual friend paul anderson
was there ..paul was talking telling his funny stories .. i was enjoying listening and
laughing at his tales. john went into his house and dragged out several items to show me. i was not impressed. i said john paul is here to visit us and we are talking and listening why would you bring out a bunch of stuff to show us? we were all sitting outside in the backyard on lawn chairs in the summer heat in the unkempt yard, bugs flying around pestering us the entire time. we sat outside as there was no room to sit inside the house.

transportation methods: i was like a taxi cab chauffeur
then jacque giles his childhood friend then last roommate was running him
around in her lexus car given to her by her family, to buy things at thrift stores, garage estate sales,
flea markets, auctions and auction houses all over the cities
of raytown, kansas city, independence, olathe, overland park,
lenexa in missouri and kansas

he had 3 large storage units crammed full which i ignored
and did not pay so they were sold at auction

john ended up using the city bus to get around. bus flyers were piled up in the living room

was not mechanically inclined so did not couldn't work on car
lost the vehicle

subscribed to many emails
movies theaters
politics news newsletters
sex sites porn

had a few friends
friends paul anderson, me, jacque

i saw john in december 2020. he said maybe i will clean this house up and then i might have some friends. i took him to savers thrift in kansas off 95th street in december 2020. in 2021 he called me asking if i could get his crutches in the basement of his house. he said he bruised his foot and was having trouble walking.

subscriptions and emails from

best buy
micro center
utilities
buying on craigslist
electronics stereos pictures posters headphones
music subscriptions napster amazon prime
he thinks has to hear new music all the time and be watching videos on the tv and internet

more stuff he can't have enough stuff
wore headphones and earphones at all times


dr phil subscription
ebay buyer only never sold or a seller
epoch times, the conversation
harpers magazine
magazine subscriptions
real simple, better homes and gardens
amazon prime
napster
sterophile sub
new york times
the pitch
the press rundown
readers digest
shawnee mission post
the washington post
wired
nextdoor.com
youtube
the press rundown
naomi walker at epi action

Starvation types

 Intellectual, mental, emotional, social, physical

Isolation solitary what does it do?

 https://www.bing.com/search?q=effects%20of%20isolation%20solirary%20confinement&cc=US&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001&ssp=1&safesearch=moderate&setlang=en

I didn't have these things and many said You are beautiful. I still don't

 makeup
nail polish
fancy hair do
fancy clothes
any clothes
shoes
things, material
car, truck, automobile
bicycle
house
money
job
plastic surgery
any cosmetic surgery
botox

My father told the truth. My grandma Sarah told the truth.

The way I used to be..... versus today...what has happened over the years in attempts to destroy my beauty

I don't know what she thinks she is doing.. he said Nov 1999 when I first got internet thru road runner in Kansas City

 of course I got my first computer then the internet so I could work and earn money.
How simple....

June of 2000 I began selling on ebay. Have been selling online since.

amazon, discogs, reverb, craigslist, bonanza, the old ioffer.com, facebook marketplace, nextdoor.com... the list goes on and on

 

 

 

Initial attractions

Physical 

Essence

Persona

Sight, sound, voice, smell, taste,  touch

 

The stupid should be silent but are often louder

I will find a man who has CLASS. And people, woman, women, anyone who has this quality.

A man with class. Careful about what he says and does. He respects his wife, his partner, his fiance, his girlfriend, his mate..whatever name you choose to call it.

He listens to what she says. He wants to see her and make her happy. He loves to see her smile and laugh and enjoy herself. 

He thinks about the consequences of what he says and how he says it to me, the same way he is so careful about how he appears to others and what he says and does in public.
He will be polite, respectful in private to me, the same way he is to all of the neighbors, the strangers, to his boss, to anyone and everyone else.

One who is eloquent, sociable, friendly, genuine and is nice to me as well as to everyone else.

 

The one I am with said he will find a woman who works. He means one who does back breaking physical labor and expects me to do what he does. He does NOT expect any other woman to do such things.

shows I am just as stupid keep talking to a stupid person

 "You're not gonna convince me the way you look is determined by what you eat!!" he yelled..."I don't want to hear it. I am not looking at you because all you do is complain and I don't want to hear what you have to say!"

Why can't you be quiet and pleasant instead of complaining all the time? he said

 

 

Soap operas some sports porn were banned in my grandma sarah's house. I agree.

Sneaky ways some use to lure girl girls woman woman into bed

Single servings most expensive

Sneezing. Natural defense

I should not listen to or take advice from anyone who is not the model example of what I want

Comfort is Queen/King

Nudist colony in warm weather might be the answer

 I read somewhere people don't pester you about sex at nude groups

To wear or not to wear clothes shoes coats or boots or bags purses

 Nudist colony in warm weather might be the answer

most things become a useless circular argument here

 typically me wasting my breath and energy explaining things that don't need an explanation 

Talking or silence both get me in trouble

Car inspection notice recd April 1st or so for my van

Had planned on doing it April 3rd but he almost burnt the house down with chimney fire 2am 4/3/2025 Thursday 

I got inspection Thursday April 10th at 350 hwy Raytown rd. 9955 e state Rte 350 raytown mo. Didn't pass. Right lower control arm and dash brake light on.

He might get another inspection in morning 8 am 4/ 16/25

I spent Friday April 4th at the No spot laundry mat washing all my bedding and dirty clothes

$12, $5.25, $5.25 washers And dryers 1.75, .75 .75 at least. 

Had to go back following Tuesday to get $10 lost in quarters in the 12 dollar machine. Attendant man played tape of me that Friday night before he would refund the money . I used debit card in $12 biggest washer because it ate my quarters

Managed to do today

Washed my hair in morning leaning over bathtub. Bathe, shave legs and underarms while he was gone 12:20 to 2:30 pm. He cleaned gutters at 2 houses harlow jundy owns Waldo area Mcgee and walnut streets.

Put trash bag in container for trash day tomorrow Wednesday.

Thaw pork ribs cook on smoker. Eat breakfast 6:30 pm. Ate meal at kitchen table with him without him starting a fight, unusual. 

Put dishes in dishwasher. 

130 am ate oatmeal raisins black strap molasses mixed nuts 6 dark dove chocolates

122 lbs

I eat good. Don't gain weight.  Wonder why, maybe I have worms

 

Age 30 wanted by most. Age 63 wanted dead by most

Misfit outcast

CIrcus freak. clown. unwanted. shunned  banned. stonewalled. alone. friendless. cripple. hunchback. ostracized. Not accepted in any group. Not a member. Unwelcome.  No friends.  No family. ORPHAN.  

Do not say what I want,  I won't get it. 

Do not ask a person for anything. 

Do not give my opinion.

 

Where am I accepted as myself? Only by myself.

He has plenty of time and money for himself. Not much for me

Corner me alone

 thats what they do and have done

Return to my youth and beauty

 and use self defense and wisdom I learned

Never give anyone a piece of my body. Untouchable.  

Have few associates. Keep to myself.  As I do now. 

 

He has told me many things I do are easy and no big deal

 until he has to do them

 

how I function sleep walking I don't know

 been doing it for years and decades upon decade's

2 hours cleaning kitchen dishes tonight

 after I woke up from long nap. Made potato soup earlier ate breakfast at 3 pm. Bigger mess cooking than I realized.  but I don't think about the mess while I am making it cooking, putting food together.

I ought to timeclock myself on all activities 

Rip off the bra. Immediate relief

Talk to myself, I'm the only one listening

Wanted

 a man who

is kind. listens. loves something besides his own selfish desires

 

how i used to remember was phenomenal

 i remember how easily i could memorize anything thru my senses

i am conscious that the ability is fading 

room ..is there enough room to store and accumulate constant perceptions and experienes in this body

 

using my cell phone on this blog sucks

 fformatting changes itself the font and i cant see the page as i enter leyyers

Sleep

 has always been erratic with me. unpredictable. today up at 10 am. diwn at 530 on til 9 pm. going down to sleep soon around 2 am

 

 

He said she drew the thing she feared to herself...

 and, thinking back on it now, there were covert and overt words and actions from her which I now realize were indications of hatred, jealousy, dislike towards me as well

The situation spawned into one of the worst nightmares I can only imagine: Having another woman living in the house who is a supplemental partner to my husband.

I mention no names due to privacy issues 

This is a real life situation in my life and those I know and are/were close to.

He, the husband of many years said 'I don't like fat' and the wife continued to be fat and got fatter. Her reason, I do not know.

The husband obtained a side piece weighing 100 lbs, half as much as his wife weights, and almost half her age. She also has a very different personality from his wife. 

Some are not what they appear to be in public

 they are hypocrites

 

You wouldn't want to get dirty, he said to her

 a business associate of mine said this to his female partner girlfriend woman when i was visiting the store one day

 she is a small delicate looking spotlessly clean little lady. very feminine. discreetly sitting on the tall chair in front of him. demure look on her face.

this is the perfect example of life: the little beauty and the man beast 

he is uncontrollable attracted to cuteness, sweetness, the dainty little one looking like a virgin girl or the scantily clad one with her makeup hair fingernails done up perfectly

 

I got what I wanted, what I sought out and needed to learn. Every single time.

A man can't focus when certain types are around in sight.

Essentials. Simplicity. Practicality. ME

 keep that which is necessary and brings me joy

 

The other woman gets all the good stuff. Wife partner gets all crap dumped on them. At least I did.

She is cute, pretty and all about fun

She is free, independent and confident.

She doesnt cater to him or anyone.

Carefree and full of life, she gets what she wants. 

He begs for her, listens to her, does anything she wants.
He gives her everything. He pays attention to her.
He hangs on her every word. His eyes follow her wherever she goes.
His eyes light up when he sees her, hears her voice or merely thinks about her.

She does not need him. She does not dote on him. She does not wait on him hand and foot. She is not his maid, mother or nursemaid. 

All she does is live for herself. Enjoys her life. Without him.

 

 

 

Some people go out of their way to make strangers happy and make their own family miserable

Sick of being the little wifey doormat

The sucker fool in love with some man I have been since I was 16 when I left home.

Actually it started when I was even younger than that. Always wanting to find that perfect guy for me. And to be perfect for him. Fulfilling his every need. The one to clean up his messes after him. The one with good advice about how to improve his life. To do things better. To be happy.

 

 

Acts like he lives alone like I dont exist

Blue collar man/men and white collar professionals.

 This is what he is. This is what I have been with all of my life. 

What are white collar professionals like?

 

Should i or you cut someone out because they disagree

 and wont listen to your advice direction or adhere to your rules?

Efficiency is me

fears rule him

 stiff, wants certainty, hates changing things owned in house home environment.  fearful fear based scared afraid box square rigid inflexible 

pushy pushes his ideas opinions thoughts beliefs activities desires habits food preferences hobbies anything about him onto anyone around

cant take or accept differences disagreements. 

my free spirit confidence flexibility ideas myself is biggest threat to him

believes in control of others total compliance

thinks everybody is watching him because he watches all ithers

has to be right about everything

wont listen to ideas advice information

exiting control greaks

Man who loves you chases you and listens

Marry an educated rich man

 which of course i didnt do. did not listen to grandma sarah

aas a result all these things happened in my life

 

Not listening or following instructions

 guilty of.

it is human nature or is it?

mine for sure

Invisible rules. Is source energy of the all

Seeds

 thought form tiny microcosm

feed water 

it grows

whatever seed is planted in any manner

Dad: True bad things he did.

 yelled, talked loud, boisterous. called attention to himself wherever he was

pissed on my toilet seat and his dog crapped in my house one time i called him out on it

dropped in once expecting dinner unannounced i said give me advance notice next time

i told him off when i was 19 and i said no wonder why my mother left you only for me to return and he had fixed my car

spat anywhere he was in the yard or street

scratched his nuts in front of people. this is rude impolite and obnoxious behavior

blew his nose at the kitchen table using a handkercheif. totally nasty

shot orders at people all of us including my mom, brothers and anyone working for him

humiliated my brother darryl at a job site and i let him know how rude that was

complained about looking at washer and dryer while we were going into the persons house and i got in his face and yelled back at him eye to eye then he shut up

 

we were all walking on eggshells around him while growing up as children, kids due to his demands orders 

demanded my mother fix him dinner late at night after he got home and she had already fixed food for all of us so she refused and he got pissed off at her

he punched my mom in the face and blacked her eye when i was 9 . he hit her because he wanted her to give him some money to give to his oldest drug addict alcoholic bum son and she lied said she didnt have any but dad bumped a picture on the wall and some money fell out on the floor so he went ballistic and tore the house apart and threw furniture and broke stuff. following the black eye incident and holy terror rage my mom filed for a divorce

my mom poured his whiskey down the drain of the kitchen sink and he got mad about that

would yell at me and the grandkids saying what are you stupid???

forced, tried to force his work love the electrical business upon me and all of my brothers

openly discussed anything including sex any private personal matters

gossiped about people nonstop. was privately prejudiced but had friends of all ethnic backgrounds due to having to do business with them

broke dirty dishes left in the sink. couldnt stand clutter disorder laziness

 

 

 

What do these women have in common

 Tina Turner, Cher

married to jealous husbands with no talent

 

I have yet to be with a man who listens to me

Mom grandma aunt are with me

 in spirit. all strong loving women 

I have no other support from anyone alive

2003 december mom passed at home apartment found face down kitchen floor early morning by roommate chris heart attack

2008 december grandma gone at research belton hospital

1999 november aunt ruth died plaza manor nursing home

Side piece vs The Wife

 the side piece looks better, tastes better and is worth more than precious metals like gold or platinum.

she is fun. she is peace, sunshine, joy, happiness.
he delights in seeing her. his eyes light up when she enters the room or even when he just thinks, dreams, imagines, fantasizes about her

she:
has no strings
doesn't give advice
she is the showpiece, the trophy ("see what i got" as he shows her off)
gets the best treatment out of him and
doesn't work
prize possession is her face, her body and between her legs
she is the treat, the cherry on top
gets the gifts, the money and does nothing but
smiles, laughs and giggles alot
she is fun and playful
stress free, no worries
she doesn't clean house, cook, shop, run errands, do the laundry, raise his children, play nursemaid, psychologist, counselor or mommy
he is the daddy. she is the little girl he takes care of and he loves it when she calls him daddy
she does not take care of business
she does not do his taxes
she does not fix his breakfast, lunch dinner or snacks
he buys her all the food she wants
he takes her where she wants to go
she makes herself happy and never goes out of her way to try to please him by doing anything for him except maybe letting him have her body to use until he is done with it

like the call girl she looks real good and is always taking care of herself
she doesn't need him at all because plenty of other guys are after her all the time

---------------------------------------

THE WIFE

works hard. often does mens works with him
runs errands
takes care of business
raises his children and others
caretaker
nursemaid, psychologist, counselor, dietician for free
says i told you so...
gives advice like mother mommy did
shops, watches budget, financially savvy
cooks, cleans, does laundry, mops, sweeps, vacuums, does windows
reliable, stable, always there, taken for granted
often talks too much
serious, committed, loyal, faithful
pays bills
as years go by stops wearing makeup, doing her hair and stops
dressing cute, sexy, nice and provocative
plans events
organized
same old intimate reliable routine, guaranteed in the hay/sack
he only does the minimum for her tossing little bits of crumbs once in awhile
because he doesn't have to work hard, be nice, adore her like he did in the beginning ..after all she does most of the work in the relationship so he has to do alot of nothing but sit around on the couch or in the recliner every night watching his tv internet shows movies news and listening to music he likes and music she hates
she puts up with all of his sh***t crap nastiness and tries to keep him happy at all times to no avail
she does the taxes or hires a pro to do it
she is a list maker and almost always prepared for anything
she puts up with his stupidity and lack or foresight

Hypocrite. Hypocritical man

 Pretends and professes to be moral in public.

 

Leave them alone. Let them eat and drink themselves to death

Disruption at the workplace

 almost every job I remember having I caused upset in the workplace or was target of ridicule or disruption. 

I never did anyhing illegal or criminal. Only got written up once for insubordination once at Carquest Auto Parts due to me revealing incompentency and negliglence of the store manger.  Not fired but laid off at some jobs.  Laid off at Midwest Import Auto due to me again revealing incompetency and sloppiness of the accouting conroller. 

I can name off many places I worked throughout my life.

All the same corp crap and some humans trying to run the show by running the hard workers at the bottom of the totem pole by trying to make it look like they are doing something important so they can keep their high paying job position. 

I don't cause trouble. I see it recogize it and do something about it. Lots of people don't like that. The ones who are lying cheating criminal thieves. 

I walked out of a few jobs due to being told I must do something dangerous and unsuitable for me. Micromanaged by authoritarion dictators who told me to do stupid things like forcing myself upon customers who want to shop alone.

Things I did raising children and grandchildren

 food preparation, prep, cooking and kitchen cleanup
daily walk at first in the stroller then on foot then running

riding bicycle bike biking
dancing to the music

water always take bottle of water with you wherever you go. you are going to get thirsty

snacks. always have healthy snacks on hand like nuts

day of week month and year calendar daily

associating things on certain days of week like trash day holidays 

cleaning house, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, sweeping with the broom
cleaning up after yourself
picking up your toys
making your bed
putting your clothes and shoes away neatly

dressing yourself properly in clothes shoes jackets sweaters coats boots

being nice friendly polite respectful considerate kind to all people animals and things

manners in all ways
eating at the table on your own tray
never sharing your food, combs, drinks with others

washing your hands after using the restroom and before food prep and eating

encouraging independent thought discovery creativity and learning to do it yourself first
waiting until you ask for help then i will help you

reflecting on the day
"what did we do today?"

answering questions, why, what is that, what's that sound/noise, who is that, how did that happen? when are we going to ..be there, where is it?

explaining things i know, finding out answers to the questions
looking up information on internet

reading books
watching tv. cartoon and kid shows at first then music, tv sitcoms, movies, documentaries where you learn about morals to the story and life

telling true life stories about things that really happened

faith, hope, wisdom, patience, moderation, humility

the difference between truth and lies

play lotto only spend 1 or 2 dollars once in awhile..you can't win if you don't play but play responsibly

love respect your parents mother father family and grandparents

wait your turn don't cut in line

discovering the world around us
finding cool things anywhere incuding the side of the road

shopping frugally at the grocery stores, drug stores, thrift stores

eating at restaurants wisely occassionally

going to many parks and recreation

walking and talking

exploring everything

 

CLEANING UP after others is not my job

 my history has been cleaning up after other people (adults I am referring to)

all 3 husbands. restaurant jobs, factory, storage property jobs, auto repair, auto parts delivery, hoarder people john and marielle, 2 adult sons 

last straw here

chimney fire

 almost finished eating my soup 130 am he starts a chimney fire while i am brushing my teeth smoke billowed into my bedroom and bath

i am exhausted in middle bedroom door shut not so smoky . going to sleep 

he is still at it on the roof with one gallon of water. used 2 fire extinguishers

almost 4 am now

Slipping back into his teenage and early 20's years

 eating easy things. wanting to feel like in his twenties. listens to same music he did at that age. does the same things. has the same interests. 

he has not changed. i have not changed. 

He is self destructing

 imploding. self incinerating. igniting. killing himself in all attempts to kill me mentally emotionally physically. 

is it the hatred for his mother and sisters projected onto me? onto women?

the intense desire for beautiful pretty women and the coexisting hatred for the uncontrollable desire he has which he does not understand. does he feel shameful, ashamed, guilty, like he is a bad person for what he thinks says and does? 

what are his fantasies? he hasn't told me. who was his dream girls or girls when he was a teenager when he was going through puberty pubescence?

 he mentioned he had a crush on a few females when he was young. one was his brothers wife, another one supposedly named polly anna who moved to texas. he said he wouldn't help her move because he didn't want her to leave. i had mentioned the pollyanna syndrome to him and he claimed he knew a girl with that name. he said polly worked at a massage parlor. which parlor i do not know. 

what is going on in the whirlwind of his mind ..with the way he acts i really don't know. 

it is a love hate ambivalent relationship in his mind with me. maybe it is that way with other women he has known and currently knows.  

the i love you i hate you go away and leave me alone. don't go. i want you to stay. be quiet shut up then when i am quiet it drives him crazy. he apparently does not know what he wants. he has everything a normal man could want and doesn't want it. 

he does the same thing with cats. saying i like cats but i don't want any more cats. too much trouble to take care of. 

a boy child mind in an adult male body. 

sex is wanted and welcome. intimacy is not. seeing me work is wanted. seeing me do menial low paying work is encouraged. any thought of me making or having as much or more money than him is not wanted. 

control over me is desired. control of me is impossible. domination of my spirit will never happen. 

 

What do these women have in common

 Judy Bettie betty lauren christie farrah mae marilyn madonna susan jaclyn kate sharon dolly Priscilla elizabeth jackie Olivia Tina Liza Barbra Jane 

taylor darryl demi stevie bobbie

self unique image  character grace 

Oil slick face I had