imploding. self incinerating. igniting. killing himself in all attempts to kill me mentally emotionally physically.
is it the hatred for his mother and sisters projected onto me? onto women?
the intense desire for beautiful pretty women and the coexisting hatred for the uncontrollable desire he has which he does not understand. does he feel shameful, ashamed, guilty, like he is a bad person for what he thinks says and does?
what are his fantasies? he hasn't told me. who was his dream girls or girls when he was a teenager when he was going through puberty pubescence?
he mentioned he had a crush on a few females when he was young. one was his brothers wife, another one supposedly named polly anna who moved to texas. he said he wouldn't help her move because he didn't want her to leave. i had mentioned the pollyanna syndrome to him and he claimed he knew a girl with that name. he said polly worked at a massage parlor. which parlor i do not know.
what is going on in the whirlwind of his mind ..with the way he acts i really don't know.
it is a love hate ambivalent relationship in his mind with me. maybe it is that way with other women he has known and currently knows.
the i love you i hate you go away and leave me alone. don't go. i want you to stay. be quiet shut up then when i am quiet it drives him crazy. he apparently does not know what he wants. he has everything a normal man could want and doesn't want it.
he does the same thing with cats. saying i like cats but i don't want any more cats. too much trouble to take care of.
a boy child mind in an adult male body.
sex is wanted and welcome. intimacy is not. seeing me work is wanted. seeing me do menial low paying work is encouraged. any thought of me making or having as much or more money than him is not wanted.
control over me is desired. control of me is impossible. domination of my spirit will never happen.
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