his mind is always jumping around about something else.
his eyes dart around not looking at me
he jumps up takes off in the middle anytime at meals and any activity
he answers the phone or door anytime regardless of what is going on
Saturday, February 21, 2026
Friday, February 20, 2026
Thursday, February 19, 2026
Since I was 6 was interested in boys
natures uncontrollable instinct urge
desire for marriage dissipating
too many wrong choices with males
huge mistake bearing the 2 boy children i had
marriage is also worst mistake
it is about ownership. has nothing to do with love
csdmbase 1467 open port on his phone sometimes samsung a03
NO other devices here show open ports only his samsung cell phone
My purpose according to him what he says how he treats me
I am to watch the house and cars when he is gone, pay bills. pay my own bills. work so i can get money to pay bills he doesn't have to pay
cook shop clean have sex whenever he wants it even though he may have just threw a temper tantrum angry fit AND act like I like it . Look innocent pure pretty and be a total slut in bed. Wear something sexy hose with holes diamond shape skimpy outfits use lube if he thinks i should and he buys none of those things for me.
I am the on demand door mat for all of his abusive talk words anger and sometimes a punching bag AND I am to remain silent NEVER tell anyone what he says and does to me. What will they think? It is none of their business. Says we should solve our own problems I dont need a counselor shrink psychologist therapy or anyone to talk to about anything. Thinks what he says and does is not abuse and said I wouldn't get mad and do those things if you didnt piss me off...if you were normal and nice instead of being a bitch. He calls me a bitch and trouble maker each time I remind him of his verbal and physical abuse. To him abuse is only leaving marks drawing blood breaking bones.
I am to put up with his dirty ways, his friends who show up whenever they want usually expecting him to fix their stuff
To put up with him conversing talking texting to all the neighbors around here AND I am to stay out of all of and NOT communicate with the neighbors or ANYONE who comes over here including my oldest son who is ironically JUST LIKE HIM
I am to allow him total freedom to say and do whatever he wants and visit anyone anywhere he is while restricting me putting limits regarding my clothes, hair, makeup,shoes,coats, purses, hats, scarves, gloves, friends, family, associates, work, job, education, school, college, money, my talking, words, actions, telephone, phone conversations, food. drink, hobbies. fun. leisure. cleaning organizing sorting.
Monitoring, criticizing what i look at on tv or internet or music i listen to while he is in room or around and can see or hear it. Says he hates black music which i call dance r and b soul so i cant listen to it if he can hear it.
This means I cant dance which I love to do.
monitoring criticizing how much and what i eat drink in front of him. claims coffee is bad and washes nutrients calcium out of my body. i can drink 4 or more bottles of water a day he griped about that so i bought brita filters and use that for most of my water. he claims i dont need to change filter that often. he complains when i use ice maker saying what are you doing with all that ice. make sure you listen for a pop after getting ice cubes that means the door is shut otherwise ice shoots out all over the floor. says you need to drink milk for years even though i have lactose intolerance. claims i have osteoporosis only because i did not drink milk all these years.even though doctor said after menopause women's estrogen drops causing calcium depletion. he refused to believe dr. neurosurgeon who told me last summer and another a month ago.
oh my god i only weigh 120 lbs pounds and dropped to 117 a couple of months ago due to chronic stress with him pitching a fit about something at every meal i eat in front of him . i used to weigh 135 to 145
i learned not to eat his steak sauce bbq sauce hot sauce salsa and finally learned do not put salad dressing on my salad in front of him. he always says i put too much on. last week i put a little olive oil on it with a bit of italian and he claimed i put too much on then yelled i am glad i am not buying the olive oil with the way you use too much of it
i put the bowl in front of him tossed the dressing and said look does that look like too much? after he saw it he said no it isn't too much
he bitches about me washing dishes claims i use too much soap .sd a couple of years ago you use it all up fast i buy it and its gone.
I never have his undivided attention.
He rarely allows me to complete a sentence without interrupting and interjecting his thoughts on what he thinks I am going to say or telling me what he thinks I meant to say. He does not listen. He will not and cannot listen to me yet appears seems to listen to anyone else especially broadcast radio tv internet movies tv shows music musician bands he likes. He is very attentive to these sources of information.
has people showing up at home randomly unannounced or very little notice
has people showing up at home randomly unannounced or very little notice
does not tell me anyone is coming over
December 28, 1987
he had a psychic reading and recorded it on cassette tape. following that enlightening experience he came across edgar cayce became obsessed. he follows people in trances psychics jane
because he sd the 1st psychic knew things about him she could not know and it convinced him
what was her name? who was she? what is her birthday?
did he stay in contact with her after the reading?
i think his sister dorothy turned him onto her
the tape has a 4 number on it. wonder what that means
I've always been obsessed
with someone, something, some activity, work. business eating. fasting, smoking. drinking many things. observing behavior, mimicking. reading. thinking,
Wednesday, February 18, 2026
I cry and cry and cry
truths
pain suffering of people animals
intentional cruelty by humans
missing my grandson
Watched another good movie last night. Same underlying story line.
"Karla" true story of young 18 yr old sweet acting and beautiful woman who fell for a rapist abuser but she didn't know it.
She loved him with all her heart treated him and called him king. Said she was there to please him and as time went on he had zero respect for her, abused her mentally emotionally physically punching beating raping her. He was out raping numerous girls women in different areas always seeking victims who were young sweet innocent and he enjoyed corrupting them raping tying the up beating them hitting punchig slapping and killing a lot of them. He called them all stupid bitch, slut, whore. Treated them like they were worthless. All he wanted was sex and to have a feeling of power over them. Demanded they say to him "I love you" and "you are my master, i am your slave"
He was an insecure weak minded narcissist
feeling weak..each time he feels weak lacking power he has to find a victim to dominate
SAME story of life: the male seeking the virgin he can corrupt and make dirty.
The more the female adores him, admires him and acts like it is her duty to be his slave the less he respects her. She should never give in to his desires especially upon first meeting. If the woman has sex immediately it sets the stage for complete total disrespect which can never be earned again.
King Queen princess prince
machivellian power control struggles dominance submission
other movies and real life events have the same theme
what's love got to do with it
straight on til morning
burning bed
stranger beside me
Tuesday, February 17, 2026
Anger I learned from family since birth
things i get angry mad about same things my family did
my father my grandmother yelled got mad about leaving messes, dirty dishes, putting nasty stinky things in trash where dogs and animals smell it rip the bag open scattering garbage all over yard and street,
my mom, aunts. grandmothers mad about sloppy drunks drug addicts bums, fighting those who pick fights for no valid reason, her man husband gawking at women flirting unfaithfulness cheating porn viewers, uncooth rude mean impolite dirty stinking people and places
my grandfather dad grma mother mad about bad language mispronunciation mispellings of words , incorrectness, lack of education. slacking. laziness. being late.
aunt ruth and her sisters my grandma and aunt jeanne especially picky about having clean floors. food sanitation, clean spotless clothes. doing laundry.
I read somewhere men are less choosey when it comes to women
I read they will take whatever is available much more so than a female will do.
she is usually much more choosy about selecting a male to mate with.
in a room with 100 men it is rare i see one i would choose.
so i walk away leave the scene empty handed
doubtful there is even one in ten thousand i would want or choose.
its slim pickins in this world.
if there is a suitable partner he is likely taken and he wont let go of her his mate and she has a stronghold on him.
and single or married males want women 27 years old or younger. the younger the better.
the more naive the better. he can lie all the time and she will believe it.
less experience means she has less ability to compare him to anyone else. he is god in her eyes. so he has to work less. he can fool her more. he can be an insecure scrawny wimp and she thinks he is he man hulk hunk.
he doesnt like older wiser women who can smell his shit fast.
Freedom does not exist
Cells are trapped. Bodies are trapped.
All moving trying to escape to nowhere somewhere that doesnt exist. A place a land called freedom. A fantasy world of nonexistence.
One thing
They only want one thing. They (men) are only after one thing from you a female girl woman. Grandma Sarah repeated this to me for many years 10 15 50 years and I was in denial of her words refusing to believe what she said was true. Defiant, I tried to prove her wrong and I failed completely.
And if they dont want your sex they are there for the money. The goodies. The food. Something they can get out of you, something they can get you to do like jobs and tasks they dont want to do so they can spend their time doing what they want and getting more money for themselves.
They will take it all. Sex and the money material things and work. They will take what you give whatever they can get.
If I say that took me 2 hours or 6 hours to do he they will say its no big deal its nothing.
And the more things I you do for him or them the more worthless I become in his eyes and in his mind. His opinion of me lowers with each thing I do for free. As if I should be charging him money for every task I perform and each gesture which shows I was prepared and thinking ahead.
A real man wants to do and buy for the woman he loves. He doesnt keep track of every penny he spends every gift he gives and remind her of all of it forcing her to state the many things she does and how much money it would cost if he had to pay for her services.
A person man or woman who doesnt love is resentful of doing anything and views the other person as a pain in their ass obligation and duty.
last time i left this house last wednesday february 11 2026
went to evangel church food pantry drive thru. he drove.
No friends. No relationships
am a maid housework. bill payer. caretaker trustworthy dutiful plain ordinary slave
not the type of woman to take out to nice places.
an embarassment embarassing person people want to run away from
Monday, February 16, 2026
Mysteries of life. Why? What causes these?
sleep
sex urge
hunger
cycles
drawn to certain places people activities
aging process
Sunday, February 15, 2026
Projecting ones own thoughts
desires needs wants actions onto others is universal
Thinking that another being thinks like you is common
Saturday, February 14, 2026
Incidents with women concerning him
Incidents with women concerning him
Over the many 34 years I have been here
stacy bush incidents
traci corsauts alexa daughter incident
debbie wall granddaughter incident
angela next door
woman next door living with chris
sarah madden worked at bargain factory in grandview mo 2016 2017 2018
wendy with chris next door
sharon duggan neighbor across street
irene rogers neighbor across street
woman he spotted across room at sams club she used to work at bargain factory
He has zero respect for me. yet screws me uses me expects me to do things love him be loyal
nothing I say is respected. he counters it with opposite statements and says 'it's no big deal' on most everything i say
says whatever he wants with no regard to my feelings
not protective of me
not proud of me
does not want to take me anywhere or show me off
blames me if anyone looks at me, says something off color, abuses me, attacks me
blames me for any bad thing that has happened or might happen such as a car wreck that was directly someone else's fault and the guy told him admitting he was at fault
when did the disrespect begin? early as 1991 or 1992 when i first came here. i just didn't see it at the time
he redoes whatever i do, has broken stuff i got "by accident" then said you didnt need it anyway you cant grow planst you dont know what you are doing
mowed over flowers i planted or any other plant then acted like he didnt know it was there
has said ' i don't care what you want' 'i am not here to please you' ' you say and do stupid things' ' you don't know what you are talking about' ' you think you know everything' 'oh, sarah's right (sarcastically to me after i say something i reminded him i told him about earlier' ' i don't believe you' 'i know what you are thinking' 'you're a liar' 'you are a stupid dumb ass idiot air head ..you have no common sense..you are not business like,
who does he respect? trump, political people republicans, new age artists musicians, people in ufo stories, edgar cayce, psychic readings from strangers as if they are actually credible and believable and telling the truth,
does not respect me period yet claims he cares about me, loves me, is faithful, hasn't been with any other woman since me, has sex with me, gets me material things sometimes, works on my vehicles, pays for car insurance and property taxes and of course reminds me of it often about how much money he has to put out not giving me credit for bills i pay and have paid and groceries and household things i buy and all household duties i currently do and have done in the past. whatever i have done regarding work paying for anything is minimized and disregarded as nothing
Friday, February 13, 2026
Flowers and 2 balloons today from him for valentines day
after he had been gone 12 noon to 5 pm for 5 hours
claimed he got bouquet at price chopper. checked my point transactions. nothing for today
sd went to menards new battery for camry. sams club raymore. to cave springs park but didnt walk too many people and some sitting in parking lot smoking skunk weed so he left
i believe he went somewhere else as well as those places.
last second minute ditch effort
Pigs dogs scoundrels vermin
One pig after another and groups of dog men are majority of what I have experienced. A handful minority of men I have met that I might be able to trust. Same goes for women.
They chase the cat soon as they think I or their wife or girlfriend is not looking or listening.
He keeps friendly rapport with all neighbors strangers associates
they all call and text him not me over any little thing
while he is evil incarnate with me at home or anywhere when no one else is watching
he says mean cruel things about people to me he would never say to their face
nasty comments about their looks, their stupidity. incompetence. cheapness. laziness. the very same things he tells me i am.
he criticizes driving of others cusses them out in the car will not confront them and say what he says to me. this is universal pattern he has with all things.
Thursday, February 12, 2026
Craigs
several craigs i met
last one was man born april 1961.
self employed owns outdoor sign co. a little taller than me. fit. active. dark hair. eyes i dont remember
i was in line customer service sams club independence.
he was in front of me returning bad lettuce. he turned around saw me once overed me many times . sd are you shopping lets shop walk together.
told me his life story in the store.
married 7 kids wife eating trash fast food talking suicide. doesnt want sec much anymore . accusing him of being with other women
he sd if people didnt have to work so much they would be having sex more often.
Craig poese. Car lot sales. downtown motors. Met 1985 or 1986. Last seen 1993 1994 he was working at car lot at 1325 e bannister rd not far from my house. said lets do lunch smiled and told me another woman he knew used that line and he liked it so he used it on me.
Craig hibbard. met in 1980. last seen on 90s he was working at hometronics as technician repairing electronics tvs radios stereos etc.
Super fast at..
turning wrench. putting material things together.
answering phone and texts
grabbing food
Wednesday, February 11, 2026
Not one person looks at me like they love me
and no one calls or comes over for me.
when husband looks at me in my face it is rare and when he does its a glare and an angry face. Yelling.
Temperature is everything
I was freezing this morning. I got up at 630 am. It was 60 degrees fahrenheit in my bedroom and bathroom.
Outside temperature is what controls my body temperature.
I cant get warm. Long dress. Bra. Long sleeve shirt. Another dress over that dress. Stockings leg warmers socks and slippers. It wasn't enough so I added a jacket. Two large candles burning. turned on heater in bathroom wall then turned on baseboard heater in bedroom. Still cold .
I feel terrible when I am cold. Always have. Six months out of the year I feel like killing myself.
Moving to a warmer place minimum 72 degrees preferably at least 85 is the only answer to happiness and feeling better.
Saturday, February 7, 2026
Hollow bones. No back surgery. Jan 29 2026 neurosurgeon visit
severe osteoporosis scoliosis. petite. screws might poke through skin on my back. 100% complications blood clots urinary tract infection
likely to have recurring surgeries
dr gandhoke india neurosurgeon st lukes 4320 wornall kcmo
said i should swim every day. at least 4 days a week aqua therapy
Friday, February 6, 2026
Any field I want she said
test scores ged high school equivalency
career assessment tests
umkc 1980
counselors
told me i scored high in all areas
math science english social
good however i may have difficulty deciding choosing which career field of endeavor to go into
Thursday, February 5, 2026
Slacker when it comes to basic things. Runs off to get instant self gratification in other things
SLACKER when it comes to:
taking out the trash
solving problems of daily frustrations quickly
cleaning the bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, garage, any room in the house
doing laundry, dishes
getting rid of animals cats dogs guinea pigs ferrets any kind of
cleaning up after pets
doing things with woman, wife, girlfriend that she likes
IMMEDIATE Self gratification:
Sex
food
get money
helping their weird friends and neighbors asap
He waits until last minute to do anything for me. I always have to wait and wait months years for anything.
Procrastinating. Stalling. Delay. Delayings. Does not want to do anything for me or with me.
Yet he breaks his back and nuts to run and help everyone else.
He hates having to listen to me, is resentlful of anything I need or want.
He can't stand the things I love and want and desire. Except for sex, that is the only thing he does and usually doesn't complain about during the act.
Once the act is over he leaves instanlty. Done with me.
Then gets mad saying "You tore my bed up" in a frustrated angry voice.
"Don't make a mess", "Clean it up right away. Don't spill anything anywhere."
in 2005 I waited two years until 2007 for the vehicle to be ready to drive.
Realizations. My mother.
Mother. Beautiful without makeup. Lived in bad part of town. Associated with low life people but she was the queen of the neighborhood: Clean, beautiful, intelligent, pure, nice to all people.
She loved art, drawing, writing, crosswords, puzzles, reading, sewing, babysitting, working hard, painting, cooking simple things and eating cakes, pies, drinking iced tea ..instant lipton with sugar and drinking sodas especially pepsi. This is what caused her weight gain. I have pictures of her and me when I was about 1-3 years old and she was slim trim dressed very nice and, of course, strikingly beautiful.
She believed in god and Jesus Christ. Religious and faithfully attended church weekly if not more often. She prayed for the evil, the lost and wicked people.
She was gentle. Extremely soft and gently and easy going. She loved animals and babies, children and all people except the ones who were mean, rude, uncouth, drunkards yet she ended up with the mean, brash low lifes. Perhaps she thought she would influence them in good ways so they would become better and nicer people. It did not work. It never works. The crumbs will stay crummy unless they come to the realization that they need to change their ways..
These were her qualities and downfalls as are mine.
I cannot change a toad or a wolf into a beautiful swan or any other gorgeous being.
Tuesday, February 3, 2026
He wants to look perfect for his sisters
flawless skin and hair and clothes and shoes
cars truck
no scars or blemishes
they scrutinize judge his appearance
the same as he does to all people
He is a robot. He wants a robot wife or other female woman
automaton
brainwashed
canned
and unaware of it
Monday, February 2, 2026
dont look talk or be too nice
huge people pleasing mistakes i have made
been many places
was taught to always be nice to everyone
bad thing to do. wrong advice.
wasted years
missed great opportunities
at gatherings social scenes some undesirable person starts talking to me and i talk back not wanting to appear snobby rude hateful arrogant proud goody 2 shoes and they wasted my time because the desirable ones saw me associating with crumbs and walked away
if i would have had a brain i would have understood what grandma sarah told me ...keep them at arms length. ignore the undesirables. keep to yourself. dont tell everybody everything. dont mingle lie down with dogs scum trash they will drag you down to their level.
when young i let people take advantage of me fearing i would be injured or killed or called bad names like a prick teaser.
the injuries and humiliation i endured is far worse than it would have been if i would have kept quiet to most and reserved my discussions to a select high quality few people
mind your own business. keep personal things to yourself.
look good. be classy. be aloof.
Types attracted to me
hard up. have a hard time getting females they really want
weirdos
old men young ones who dont know any better
undesirables unwanted rejects
inferiors freaks
creep creeps creepy
married creepy men bozos
grade 5 or below on a scale of 1 to 10
single goofy strange
liars cheats criminals thieves burglars convicts
nasty dirty filthy
illiterate uneducated
ones who would fuck screw about anything
low quality
fools
selfish mean rude obnoxious
hateful
primitive caveman type
boisterous blunt crude
manual laborers
Sunday, February 1, 2026
Store bought: Cookie cutter things. That is what he likes best
and fast food restaurants. portioned out food. individual serving sizes in most things
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