In a pickle trap

 Dont know exactly what to do

Night time up. Want escape . Appear to be here , go out roam, back by dawn, sleep til noon or one, 2 who cares.

Exit door create one in my imagination, my  mind from this beďroom. He or no one will know i am gone. In cognito man disguise. No one recognize me when i slip back in hidden door out the side of house. No noise, quiet as snow falling. 

No definitive plan. Play by ear seat of pants, fly, float away flexibly. 

He is crazy insane . Caution mandatory. No such thing as help from anyone anywhere. Hes got them all convinced he is normal fine sane and ordinary nice guy like the boy next door, appearing clean, neat, orderly, hard working, precise perfectionist. Responsible. Says right things. Hides anything might be offensive unusual or make anyone think bad of him. 

Ive seen many sides but not all. What lurks around and about in him when he is out and about alone or even home alone or maybe even wth is he doing when i am here under his nose this roof? I dont know.

How can one (me) know? How can one really know him or anyone totally?

I finally started noticing a couple of years ago that he keeps tabs on whereabouts of all. Me, the 2 cats we have, all the neighbors , the only ones i am aware of he tracks are who he mentions to me. Surely there are many more people around here he watches that i dont even know and am not aware of. 

He watches me aloofly. Aware of my whereabouts but never looks at me. Avoids my eyes. No soft look towards me at all. Eyes averted, he looks at phone, screen, computer, away towards a wall, off into the distance, at an object, a piece of food, an animal, anywhere but in my eyes at my face. Is this hiding behavior? Lying cheating stealing , hate, disgust, what kind of behavior is this?

He tracks others, friends family , gets phone calls on his cell from them , only tells me if he has to. Sharon neighbor said he only tells me what he wants me to know. So he doesnt tell all. She pointed out he doesnt want people to think bad of him due to incident over 15 yrs ago when he and steve her hubby who died sep 2008, cleaning out shed of gone out of town  neighbor chris found porn mags and he acted like he was disgusted didnt want anything to do with it yet he brought home some material he showed me . He sd some was ass fucking and really raunchy he didnt show me all of it.  I wonder what else he dragged home that i know nothing about? 

He hid movies and mags porn from chriss and eds old house he took in 2008 also. I dont know where the stuff is. Why keep it, why hide it, when do they look at that stuff and why?

Now he bought a new black hoodie hood pullover shirt with trump printed on the front he is so proud to wear it,  and now i feel scared to go anywhere with him if he wears that shit. Bad enough he put signs in the front yard of political crap. A thing thàt some other fanatic might murder us over. I dont think he cares if he, we or i get shot by a wing fanatic over stupid hateful shit that doesnt matter. All it causes is war, fights, hate, disputes conflict, upset, anger...basically all things he is and represents.

Calls me stupid, says you think you know everything, interferes with anything I do when I am with him.

I suspected something wrong with him back in 2000. 24 years ago!

It gets progressively worse by the minute

The control. The immature mean behavior. 

All this crap while I am trying to heal myself from severe scoliosis and vision problems: cataracts, astigmatism, presbyopia, farsightedness, fatigue