Went to a funeral of my cousin Paulette Shraps in California when I was about 10 or 11. She was 25 or 26 years old when she was killed in a car/auto accident. Hit by a drunk driver. She was beautiful. Long dark hair. Laying there in the casket she looked alive. So very pretty. Everybody mourned for her death. So sad. I did not understand dying and what this was all about.
I wanted to die because the household I lived in was insane. To die young. Look perfect and get it over with. Knowing what I know now I wish I would have succeeded in committing suicide. Attempted it a few times. Obviously failed.
A nurse named Nancy who was the girlfriend of my uncle Ken/Kenneth Daniel Mitchell in Las Vegas, Nevada told me if you cut your wrists right along the vein you will succeed in bleeding to death. The doctors and nurses wouldn't be able to fix or repair the cuts, especially if you went deep into the vein.
We visited Nancy and my uncle Ken in Vegas the year 1972 or 1973, I went to the funeral of my cousin Paulette. Nancy had no idea why I asked about wrist cutting.
At age 17, I cut both my wrists along the vein and did NOT succeed. Nancy was wrong. I was 7-8 months pregnant at the time and wanted both of us to die. I knew the future was going to be bad. Boy, was I right. The child I gave birth to, born in December, 1978 is now 46 years old. He had a life of living hell and still lives in junk trash hell. He is a real mess with severe psychotic paranoid schizophrenic issues and god knows what else.
I came back home to my dad's house after I cut my wrists. I found some old towels and wrapped them around my bloody wrists to cover it up. Didn't want anyone to see. They didn't see so no one asked me about them. It was winter time. November. Cold outside so i could wear a jacket to cover my arms.
Age 18 I took a bunch of over the counter sleeping pills. It did not work.
In my 30s I tried again with otc pink pills. And I had been drinking. Failed again.
30 years later I have thought up many ways to do it. Decided next time I will not fail.
Concerned about the money situation because husband is all about money I know that life insurance like accidental death and dismemberment, the only one we have, will not cover it if they deem it to be a suicide. Only a real accident is covered.
At some point I may decide to hell with it all. Do it anyway regardless of the fact no one would get any money for my death.
All anyone cares about is money. No one values anything about me unless I can spend some money or do things for them for free or very cheap.
I am just a meaningless nobody, a no one thing no one gives one rats about. My permanent disappearance from this earth and life would be a blessing to many people in many ways.
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