being available. taken for granted. admitted love devotion loyalty to a man especially one not worthy of it
accepting less.
tolerating bad behavior.
going back after abuse.
allowing touching or sex after any abuse.
valuing a man more than myself
respecting him and not myself
settling for second best last place
making excuses for losers
feeling sorry for a bully
mental emotional physical abuse especially towards soft hearted kind spiritual people and beings
and tossed raggy old clothes and old painting clothes i used to wear over 30 years ago.
I have experience feeling and acting like trash after eating and drinking bad things and witnessed many people who suffer from the same thing.
Bad behavior: anger issues, depression, negativity, violence, aggression, unprovoked nastiness
I tend to choose the highest quality and often the highest price items in shopping situations.
Quality = durability, long lasting, practical, useful, needed, appearing simple/classy
Price =
cocky. arrogant. acts entitled. lacks empathy, appreciation, respect.
inconsistent emotions. unsteady. volatile. moody. hateful. vengeful. mean.
rarely demonstrates affection such as kissing hugging pats on back or anywhere. no cuddling or pleasant love conversations even after having sex. he says sex is good exercise, period.
becomes upset when i hug other people, when i talk to anyone, when i am me freely expressing myself.
focused on the physical such as sex and hard work. money material things and self gratification are top priorities
poor social skills especially with me. publicly appears polite nice clean hard working thoughtful.
always says what is your objective. what is your point. what are you trying to say. you think you know everything. just shut the fuck up. you are a dimwit, stupid, make no sense. dont know what youre talking about.
like a child/baby/infant easily wakened/ distracted. i must get him to focus on something else or wait til he is asleep or gone before i can accomplish anything. i must be quiet, not make noise, do not make any smells or sounds or be near him or touch him or have lights on otherwise he will wake up if sleeping or inquire about what i am doing if he is awake. sometimes i wonder if he ever really sleeps. seems like he doesnt deep sleep like i do. it is like he is half awake with one eye open all the time.
eveything is difficult and it is
he pepetuates difficulty and complications
weather, animals, people are "crazy" (and these things are actually normal with their behavior and changes)
things are crazy because they do not meet his expectations
his opinions are facts
addicted to snacks, sugar and salt, artificial flavors and colors
poisons are the way to deal with bugs and pests
name brands of certain items are the best and is loyal to buying them
any differences expressed are arguing with him
food, drink, noises, sounds, videos, physical work and activities, all 5 senses overloaded with little time for relaxation with no outside stimulation
he needs to sit quietly in dark room with zero stimulus in order to learn to appreciate small things like movement of a thing like a curtain or sheet blowing in the wind
after being in the role (a predicament like jail)
since i was 17. i am 63. 46 years of futile effort
married to three different men (grown boys)
it seems being the girlfriend would be a better choice indeed if i want to be respected loved appreciated adored desired treated like a queen
taken out given gifts attention time
as the girlfriend i can cut off the connection immediately when he is bad, never go back. no explaining. no me trying to make things right with a fixer upper male who will always be a turd toad
once married things have to be cut in two by law and is time consuming costly financially and emotionally draining
saw his only 2 living sisters sherry and dorothy in raymore mo last night . havent seen sherry in over 5 years.
she said she doesnt invite him for dinners anymore due to his political obsession fanaticism pushing it on everyone
sherry concerned asked me if he had any guns. i said only one i know of is single shot 22 rifle. he hides stuff all around in house and sheds in cardboard boxes so how would i know if he had any more?
she concerned because fanatics can turn into shooters like mass or anonymous or random or targeted shooting people in crowds or individual people
a few months ago when he smelled something bad which was really in the trash can
i had to reclean all counters with soap and bleach water
Living with person male man who ignores me tells me to be quiet. shut up, stay out of it. keep my opinions and ideas to myself dont tell anybody anyhing
walks many feet in front of me never holding hands
thinks all he has to do is say and do whatever he wants pay some bills , do hard manual labor around here and for other people
https://www.bing.com/search?q=know%20it%20all%20personality%20disorder&cc=US&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001
Just talked to him about getting rid of old vhs tapes in basement, for one and any other misc junk down there and moving the stand up deep freeze into the basement as it should have been years ago.
Incident in 2022
Timothy Alan Phillips born May 14, 1983 on my mom's birthday. He died January 13, 2022. An 18 year old man shot and killed him in Independence, MO by 300 block N. Leslie apartment complex housing area. The shooting was related to a girl Tim was seeing is what his mother Debra told me.
I am inside the building in Independence, Missouri at the celebration of life for Tim Phillips sitting at a table. The room is filled with many tables and a hundred or more people. He was sitting next to me.
Suddenly he gets up at leaves the building. After a few minutes I decide to go outside and catch him standing outside talking to two teenage girls. One girl is the granddaughter of debra phillips wall. Debra Wall was born in January 1962.
He later says he asked the girls, "Who is your grandmother?" I had told him that one of his ex girlfriends back in the 80s had a daughter related to debra and that girl is dating Tim.
Debbie's granddaughter is "Crissy" , Tim's only daughter.
----------------
The almost daily occurance is he is gone and disappears and if at home runs off to one of the neighbor's yards or houses. Or he has taken off to someone's house like one of his family members, a friend of his or ours, one of my family members.
If I am awake he will usually tell me where he is going. Not always.
Same message in the movies, television programs and books/literature. Ulterior motives. Diabolical minds. Split brained. Cunning, lying, two faced.
Adjusting their appearance, personality and attitude according to whom they are around.
Children around age 4 or 5 learn this survival tactic quite well.
A certain look comes upon the face when the child has done something wrong or is about to do it.
last time his phone was on the internet was 721 am. It is now 12:43 pm and he is still gone.
He tends to leave in the morning after 9 or 10 am. Now I am wondering if he has been taking off at the crack of dawn or thereafter and I have not known about it.
he said he went to raytown lawn mower spark plugs for neighbors mower, oil, dollar tree independence got several bottles of sweet drinks bread we dont need..he bought 2 loaves a couple of days ago
In an hour or so it is over. What is life like the rest of the time? My father talked matter of fact and practically about the sex act. It is vitally important in life but does not constitute a good relationship.
mood changes issues problems deterioration of brain and body
impatience anxiety hallucinations
fun loving
giving, free spirit, free spirited
direct, friendly, open minded
loves dancing, get together, parties
plans ahead and organizes events
encourages individuality and self expression
entrepreneurship is common
some were alcoholics or drug addicts some abstained from those some were addicted to sugar starch fat causing
some health conscious exercise eat right
Family Pattern
blames others for situation and problems such as family members, partner, spouse is the one that creates problematic situations
acts like the victim
paranoid
believes everyone uses each other out to get them
nitpicks nags complains bitches at partner and the world
looking for the "perfect" person with no "flaws"
trouble organizing things
accumulates too much stuff making life far more complicated
says things are complicated and can't see the simplicity and simple solutions to solve problems
immediately finds fault with anyone or any situation, place, circumstance
refuses to listen to simple solutions
negative focused
finds shit immediately and focuses on how aggravating it is,
how much things suck, stink, get on their nerves
can't understand much of anything
another persons happiness and joy pisses them off because they are miserable with themselves
jealous of success of other people
says people who have lots of money don't deserve it because they should have it
either because they work so hard or simply because they deserve it for no reason
accuses other people of screwing up their life when they are the ones who screw up
other's lives
self defeating
no one is good enough for them or good enough at any task or job
thinks they can do everything better
calls almost everyone stupid, incompetent and
says people "drag their feet" when in fact they are the ones dragging their feet
tries to make people realize "the truth" and avoids facing facts
aversion to smoke especially cigarette smoking and smells it when it is not there
outer world focused, external
relies on external things to change before being "happy"
sabotages other people's efforts and joy and happiness
loses things accuses someone of stealing it, taking or moving it and
will move other peoples things without asking
crosses boundaries of others and gets irate if their boundaries and areas are crossed
keeps tabs on everything they "give" to anyone
expects a return on whatever they give to anyone
thinks they ought to be paid money for just about everything
takes advantage of any person or situation
will not do a thing out of sheer kindness of heart desiring to see someone happy and smiling
sabotages parties events get togethers
demands to be center of attention
looks at lots of other people as worthless undeserving
does not appreciate and yet demands to be appreciated and recognized
confused constantly
thinks police are watching and after them
has head in the sand, foot in the mouth, head up their ass
spews out nasty comments and can't take any form of criticism, critique
looks at self as GOD in control of all
ulterior motives are behind whatever they do and they accuse all others of
having ulterior motives
gardening in dirt hobby in the family
marjorie sharon dorothy michael
seems to bring temporary joy
early morning risers
no dancers or dancing in this family
rigid hard work is glorified
some had several boyfriends girlfriends on the side
like john and karen
"gives" people stuff they don't like expects them to act happy about it
sometimes gives me or a person a thing they like then acts like it is a
huge big deal that they were so "generous" and thoughtful
keeps things secret from spouse and tells each family member news
then acts like they told the spouse when they did not
this seems to be a pattern of him taking off wednesday mornings and being gone until afternoon
today he said he is going to menards maybe to visit his sister in raymore and might go to sutherlands
each one of us are vulnerable and have our own soft spots
impresses female his woman
protects, upholds. supports.
cares how she feels.
cautious with his words, tone of voice and actions
goes out of his way to make her happy, smile, laugh, be joyful
Born February 4, 1946
She lives with Sherry/sharon her only living sister. Has been for 9 years. Says it has been abuse.
Confined to her room by her sister. She called me this morning telling me again about the situation.
She gives Sherry 540 a month for rent. The house is owned by Sherry.
She told Dorothy to get out "I'm done" on June 2. Thirty days to move out.
June 25 is sherry's birthday and her daughter Kari and son in law are coming to visit for 2 days then sherry is going to the lake her usual yearly annual activity.
Dorothy is planning on leaving when she is gone.
D has confined herself into her bedroom. Now is banned from watching the tv in the living room. Stores food and drinks in her room.
S has told her "I don't want to eat with you", "I want you out of here. This is my house and I will do as I please."
D is much like me. Very friendly talkative, into astrology, psychic, intuitive awareness, spirituality, kindness and generosity. Peace, harmony, beauty, love dominate her thoughts. She likes neat, clean, orderly everything. Chaos and disorder drives her crazy like me. She writes in a journal everyday and loves books like I do. She was a sounding board for her sister and no longer sits and listens to S come home from work at her job in HyVee complaining.
D likes to cook, make wonderful healthy food and meals. She loves walks in the park.She keeps records and documents of things. Likes nice restaurants, high quality places to go. Dressing up nice. Cleanliness.
D and I both have severe back scoliosis. Hers is kyphosis on the top. Mine is levoscolios in thoracic and lumbar region.
D is very intellectual. Sherry is very physical and wrapped up into worshipping money and material things.
The sister Sharon/Sherry is so much like Mike it is incredible.
scholar, teacher, traveler, communication,
writing, words, author, poetry, beauty, harmoney, fine dining restaurants, politeness, manners, etiquette, creativity, photography
grace, beauty, eloquence, style, class,
birthdays holidays, parties, decor, decorations,
health nutrition
scholar, teacher, traveler, communication,
writing, words, author, poetry, beauty, harmony, fine dining restaurants, politeness, manners, etiquette, creativity, photography
grace, beauty, eloquence, style, class,
birthdays holidays, parties, decor, decorations,
health nutrition, gift giving, previous employment at law firm lawyer attorneys office
record keeper, remembers birthdays, wants to celebrate
like a job where he thinks he is boss. as if i am a slave employee cleaning up dealing with his shit
not all marriages are like that but they are when immature people are involved
i looked up definition. wiki and many sites define it with all the characteristics. he fits them all.
massive intake of sugar, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, artificial flavors and colors. baked goods, candy, sweets. cookies, cupcakes, cake, drinks sugary tea, lemonade, juice all day long everyday.
automotive chemicals used in the garage to work on cars, lawn equipment, lacquer thinner on skin
puts pain relief ointment on skin with aspirin
drinks alcoholoic beverages rum at night during day sometimes wine, beer
uses chemicals on garden fertilizers weed control and wallows in it
puts on same dirty filthy clothes day and day working in dirt and grease and other stuff instead of hanging out in the rain or tossing into the laundry and washing them appropriately
bathroom needs thorough cleaning. has black dirty rags in it full of mold and who knows what germs are in them and then uses those old nasty cloth rags to wipe down a floor or dust in the living room
mind filled with rotten world news and constantly focusing on the weather. grabs porn for free whenever possible and stashes it in cardboard boxes in the house so i don't see it ..currently it is hidden somewhere i am guessing in a box in loft up high in garage so he thinks i wont know he has it
overheats very easily...i don't know why he always has..and i freeze to death easily
leaves dirty napkins laying around
sneezes outside into rooms without covering face
handles any and everything and not always washes hands
leaves food containers in car truck vehicle even when temperature is hot outside like tuna kits nuts snacks candy anything and eats them ..leaves water bottles in car that in direct sunlight in driveway
people told me i was beautiful, cute, pretty.
shy, introverted. listened more than i talked. quiet. reserved. cried very easily over animals or people i sensed being hurt or died. cried if anyone even looked at me cross eyed mean or talked to me saying mean rude hateful things making fun of me criticising me in any way.
attentive. extremely sensitive. used to massage my grandma's shoulders and neck and feet, grandpa's back, dad's neck, my husband's body.
fun loving. dancing. laughed easily. cracked up over silly stuff. easy going. pleasant. people pleasing. calm. patient. believed in helping most anyone anywhere. too easy pushover. too kind, nice and helpful. willing to give myself and things for free. willing to work for nothing or next to nothing so others can be happy.
TODAY I have become (and it took many years to be this way)
too talkative, too open, revealing, brunt, loud, obnoxious, giving free unwanted advice, revealing too much to anyone and everyone.
aware that being too quiet caused me to get run over and taken advantage of.
used to have the radio on a lot. while working cleaning doing housework driving outside sunbathing..anymore I will turn it on in the van and once in awhile at home.
Very hairy. My face has a full beard and moustache. I use an electric shaver on my face, There are way too many hairs to pluck out. If I tried it would take me at least an hour. I can't see as well as I used thanks to having to wear prescription glasses so plucking is a sheer waste of time.
My arms are covered with long dark hair. I have hair on my abdomen, the backs of my legs are covered with long black hairs and the front is hairy; pubic area is very much so which started when I was a teenager. Hair all over my knees and below the knees. Hair on my lower back. He calls it a "fur patch" on my back. Hair on my butt buttocks ass.
Hair visible on sides of my face by my ears like sideburns. Hair on top of my toes.
Enlarged clitoris and labia. Salt cravings
Used to have severe acne. Cystic with huge pus pockets all over my face, neck, shoulders and back. I have bad scars/scarring all over those areas due to the massive pimples. Large pits all over my nose.
Excess testosterone is what research indicates.
I do not have a deep voice or large muscle mass. My muscles have withered due to lack of exercise and age.
Whatever the "disease" is or the cause I do not know for sure and I would surely love to NOT have to deal with hair all over by body that is normally on a male/man. I hardly ever see a woman who has such hair as I do. Most have smooth, clean, clear radiant skin without hair.
Many years ago, back in 2001 the gynecologist who did my tubal ligation and uterine ablation wanted to prescribe sprinolactone for me to remedy the hair problems. After I read the information about it I decided not to take it. I would have to drastically reduce foods that are high in potassium. Mushrooms, potatoes, lots of vegetables. I love to eat all those foods that have lots of potassium.
The articles I just read states that blood tests in those that have this problem reveal that the person has low sodium levels, a female baby is born with an enlarged clitoris, they can have low blood pressure which I have.
every time he puts hot sauce on his food he gets hiccups..same for hot peppers like jalapenos. researched it on youtube. a doctor says body is alkaline. sugar ingested and eating too fast and anxiety can cause hiccupping. he consumes sugary drinks high fructose corn syrup all day long. he drank some bottled tea with high fructose corn syrup sweetener in it over ice cubes and the hiccups stopped. could be the cold ice water that stopped it.
he starts hiccupping when he eats and it sometimes sounds like he is choking to death
i haven't had hiccups for eons..now i think i discovered why is used to get them. if i eat and drink sugary things it can cause it. a long time ago i remember getting them and i would put a teaspoon of sugar in my mouth followed by water and they would go away.
fills in what he thinks i will say and is usually dead wrong
will not listen to me when i talk
full of clothes. mens clothing shirts pants jeans ..i need to wear clothes for women females girls and dress like what I am.
I am a woman not a man
found a lot more shirts, thermals, pants and a mens bathrobe i am going to give away to my oldest son next time i see him
put my name on this house. He said the law states title companies can only take cash or checks, no credit cards. Cost is $100. He and I will go and I am writing the check for one hundred dollars.
dehydration he suffers from. dark urine, constipation,
back pain in kidney area, lower back
mood swings, anger, violent outrages are daily, irritability
muscle soreness, stiffeness, pain
claims it hurts his kidneys to drink too much water. yet he drinks and loads up all day long on sugary beverages: bottled lemonade from aldis', bottled cranberry juice.
he eats sweet stuff throughout the day everyday/daily. cookies, snack cakes, granola bars, honey roasted peanuts, candy bars, hard candy, taffy, sugar laden cereals : honey nut cheerios, kashi granola, raisin bran premade
processed foods. beef jerky which is made with brown sugar as second ingredient, summer sausage, salami, pot pies, hot pockets, frozen burritos, many types of bottled hot sauce and barbecue sauce, imitation cheese slices, pizza,
fast food like taco bell, hardees, wendys, dominos, kfc
saw chiropractor. weighed snd height measurement.
treatment. tapping on my back
exhausted he said check diet sleep and exercise for that
bloodwork already done for hormones cbc etc
5'6 1/2" is my normal height
used to weigh 135 to 141 pounds
https://www.psychmechanics.com/psychology-behind-name-calling/?utm_source=grow&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=automailer&utm_content=rec
Some people consider these things to be cause for suspicion.
Reading books. Thinking. Sitting in a dark room awake with no tv television or radio on. Writing. Talking on the phone. Talking to anyone. Expressing my original ideas or someone elses that he doesnt agree with.
Walking into another room in house or on property outside. Looking at a bug or flower curiously.
Not driving exactly like him. Not interested in all things that interest him. Discussing any subject not in his mind. Disagreeing. Differing. Straying. Being myself.
One person in particular, the husband, man male I am married to is suspicious of these things.
horse and dog tracks/races, to st. louis missouri when the Missouri Lottery first started.
he knew the best restaurants/places to eat all over kansas city and just about anywhere
carnivals, fairs, picnics, family gatherings/get togethers
disneyland, knotts berry farm, the beaches in california
he went with me to a real estate seminar where they offered the class to obtain real estate sales license
he was an avid reader. a go getter. friendly to all. helping hand. generous.
you like nice with pink dress and black. your back is hardly noticeable with that outfit. pink and black goes good together ..
of course it is a backhanded compliment. he always has to throw in a comment about how bad my back looks....or how bad my face hair outfit any view of me looks
nice things he has said are rare and few from him. most things he says to me and about me are critical demeaning hateful mean threatening
I drew to me some people that had the stuff I was emanating since my childhood.
collectors hoarders music movies books information wisdom knowledge
MY awareness and love of life and freedom appears to be a major threat to some kinds of people. The control freak types who believe they have no choice so no one else should have choices in life.
says he is mailing a rebate ..and i added the paperwork needing to be sent to mohealhnet
he often takes off suddenly with very little notice
frugally. so cheap. no fun. with a crazy person and nutty psycho people before that.
raised by families of mostly well meaning but twisted fruitcakes.
and feel like I got kicked in the back by a horse everyday like I have for years it will be a miracle
Ordered a sofa bed 100 cm x 200 cm x 30 cm. Folds into a couch. 39.99 plus 9.99 shipping.
Ipl hair remover, age spot, acne remover. Ordered off 5minskin. May never have to shave legs armpits face again. Price paid not disclosed. Cheaper than buying blade razors, electric razors and shaving cream for the rest of my life.
Cleaned bathroom sink area borax and dish soap.
Bleached bathtub walls and toilet.
Washed 2 gallon brita filter water holder in hot soapy water. Need new water filter for bathroom sink. Pur might be next one I get.
8 pm ate breakfast. Beef hot dog, cheddar cheese, one slice wheat bread, white onions, leftover fried potatoes, mustard, hot sauce, one 15 oz can of butter beans.
took 2 collagen plus vitamin c pills half hour before eating.
got up at 819 am. drank black coffee and water all day until breakfast at 8 pm.
wearing long black pants, black dress, black shirt, black baseball hat and black tennis shoes. carrying a black bag with my water bottle in it
trail at parkwood and 98th terrace kcmo 64137
dark no one out there coming driving can see me
i am so tired so exhausted .
thinking about how he hates my guts treats me with disgust.
one man i am was in love with
since may 1987 now i know
he does not love me never did.
surgery doctor appointment july 22 2025. i ask myself why have it. what for? what do i have to live for?
no friends. my friends and family he took over.
how am i going to recover from major back surgery spinal fusion rods and screws in my lower back? no one is going to help or take care of me
life isnt going to get any better.
my purpose is missing. my reasons are unclear. the desire from anyone who wants me around is not there.
no one wants me around.
a career i do not have.
missing me is something no one does
food eaten yesterday. smoothie made of fresh mangos, canned peaches and pears, frozen strawberries.
3 home grown white radishes after eating bacon, 3 fried eggs, fried potatoes and onions
I slept in center middle bedroom and had to leave door open due to my cat scratching on the door.
The only thing I conclude is it is something toxic in the air or possibly the radishes I ate that caused this severe headache and nausea.
in the living room. said i was looking at craigslist saw ford truck thought of you.... it is his old friend kenneth gill born 8-8-48.
his voice sounds uplifted high happy quite opposite of his voice when he talks to me.
referring to a character in a tv show KUNG FU
Most dangerous is the one not aware of their own ignorance, limitations and utterly stupid behavior.
I have seen this. Experienced this. Done this.
A very slow process for me of realizing ...
a person is NOT who I think they are
they are not who I want them to be
the person will NEVER BECOME what I hoped they would be
my rose colored glasses and pollyanna attitude have come off
People are what they are
No change will happen with them unless it begins within themselves
Each one of us must come to our own conclusions
then went upstairs laid down napping said dont let him sleep past 345 pm today is church day pantry should have milk
he is the same as he was when i met him. i am the same as i have been since i was born.
the same is true of other people i have known and those i know now.
bonding. familiarity. this either happens quickly or not at all most of the time.
mutual understanding between the pair of people
it depends solely upon whether or not the other person is capable of understanding and empathy
ownership, exclusivity, companionship, partnership, love, material things, desire
cranberry jug found in the refrigerator tonight.. prebottled lemonade from aldis hes been drinking daily for weeks maybe a couple of months. apple juice.artificially flavored rum rumchata. has thick dairy cream the thought of rumchata makes my stomach churn in sickness.
he likes milk drinks it daily thinks its good.
lemon flavored muffins. honey buns. donuts. candy bars. swiss. rolls snacks. dried fruit. canned fruit. hawaiian punch. gatorade squirt. dr pepper.
any kind of fucking sugar he can find.
metabolic syndrome. fatty liver disease.
he does not rinse his mouth with water each time after consuming all of these sweet drinks and foods. no wonder he has cavities dental problems had teeth pulled.
It is not my responsibility to walk on eggshells and try to make anyone else happy all the time
having animals making noises all day long in my neighborhood (roosters and dogs, sometimes foxes in the middle of the night) making it difficult to sleep or think straight
dealing with my own physical ailments like severe scoliosis, digestive issues
dealing with husband age 64 who exhausts me even more than I already am
