Chiropractic evaluation today. Severe spine back problems

 So severe. Dr. Is concerned. Needs to treat me 3 times a week for 8 weeks. 

My spine is collapsed and collapsing more each day. Cervical and lumber backwards from normal. 

One more accident wreck I am destroyed unable to move 

It's not that I was ever. Ugly or undesirable.

 It was and is him. His constant comparison frustration criticism taking me for granted. Looking out there at some one else thinking there's something better than what he has. 

I know this because lots of others find me attractive look me in the eye . Listen when I speak. Pay attention in full. Stay close physically when I am around. Want to keep talking to me on the phone or in person. Ask if I'm married. Want to see me again. Appreciate my insight flexibility intelligence beauty. And the list goes on. 

It is inner self thoughts that determine ones attitude and perspective.

Frozen hands

Excruciating back pain

She'd be fine away from him...

 My mom used to say about her mom my grandma

Know what I want. It's there. Lightning speaks for itself

I am very money conscious

 monthly fees can eat you up

daily tidbits of things you or I do that cost 

Dreams can't be proven in a lab, a science experiment.

I'm a teacher. The best teacher is experience. Plain and simple. Flat out. DO IT first before slamming others about their position, worth, value.

I know myself

 You're going to get up and do it whether you feel like it or not

A JOB

noose

anchor on the ankle weight holding down the life of the individual 

pushing shoving suffocating forcing demanding unnatural behavior 

causes resistance strife hate war from the self to the world 

Stupidity recognizes itself

Successful leaders see the opportunities in every difficulty rather than the difficulty in every opportunity." -- Reed Markham

 Your Daily Quotation:

"Successful leaders see the opportunities in every difficulty rather than the difficulty in every opportunity."

-- Reed Markham

Does anyone "earn" love?

 "I have loved you since I first saw you"

A baby is born and loved immediately (usually by the mother first)

Slow to wake up in morning upon awakening. Always.

 https://www.psychmechanics.com/signs-of-low-intelligence/

Teachers are regular people not Gods I learned fter I grew up

Some think people like plants. The more you defecate on them the better they grow

I don't wear funky clothes to try to get attention. Plain clothes without prints are the usual wardrobe

Persecuted

Worst kind of hell: Putting up with someone else's shit and unable to express myself and do what I want

Your sex appeal is everything to the world.

Smiling. Smiles.

 Lady named Jill told me I have a beautiful smile and should do this more often.

January 17, 2023. 

She is 44. Lost her teeth already. Has dentures. I am fortunate enough to still have all of my teeth except the wisdom teeth which had to be extracted when I was in my lates 20s.

So I remember when I quit smiling so much, started being real careful about doing this ......way back in 1981 when I was 19 years old. I was a cashier at a gas station at bannister rd and hillcrest rd in kansas city, missouri. Walker oil Company was the name of the business.

I quit smiling at male customers where I worked because I thought this was making them act like sexual predators . That way: The way of the male who approaches the female and tries to get her into bed, perform sex act with him. 

Quitting smiling was one thing I did, followed by :

stopped wearing any makeup on my face

not doing my hair 

wearing a baseball cap at times to appear masculine

wearing men's clothes like overalls flannel shirts and jeans and t shirts and hiking boots

None of these things worked to deter men from making passes at me. 

I continued doing this well into my 40's, 50's and now at 61 I still rarely wear any makeup, hardly ever smile and often wear concealing garments.

It still does not work. 

Am I really stupid or that naive?

If you could be anyone who would you want to be? Me.

Anyone can screw. Few can love.

 sex, screwing is just an instinct. a physical urge, an act to achieve an inborn animal desire to procreate

How can I or anyone know something without any physical evidence at the current time? What is that sense?

Quiet one holding books to my chest in school

Arguing with the ancients is useless

Mommy wants to be a movie star...

 So the child acts out mothers desires dreams wishes

Survivor of....

 Shredded shit on ridiculed wrung out sloppily put away wet

Kicked punched raped slapped 

Ripped off Used squeezed .. told to shut the fuck up, up

Cinderella slave who runs into a cave hiding for safety from the big bad wolf

Who acts like a sheep innocent lamb to everyone else and in public

Wolves in the woods wanting to eat me Red Riding Hood

Sleeping beauty used to wear tight jeans to bed thinking he couldn't rape me in my sleep but he did it anyway 

More than one can't count em hun, hundreds 

How can my Brain still function shun miracle I don't know how

Solo no help No one believes me

Criminal narc thieves liar psychopaths using me for a whack a mole

Cycles exist within each individual life form. Each one is unique to its existence

 metabolism

body physical cycles minute by minute moment by moment

daily weekly yearly 

Counseling seeing a therapist psychologist psychiatrist mental health professional treatment

 It does no good when the patient returns back to the scene of the crimes at home at work. Going straight back into the same environment reinforces the behavior issues, beliefs based upon the conditions of the home house neighborhood the person is living in.

Trends and fads. Trendy. Common for most to follow trends

Me. Cooks own food

Cooks food at home

Cleans own house

Does all laundey

Does my own hair, skin and nails

Wears no makeup majoritg of the time

Does all grocery shopping

In normal weight range-not fat or obese

Very few gray grey hairs

Very hairy

health care will take every penny you have except 50 dollars a month if you end up living

Fit into a mold or make the mold. Be the mold. Be me. Be yourself

I have the whole world in my hands literally with the internet

Useless trivia is just that

 doesn't provide a practical purpose

doesn't mean a damned thing

has no reference to indicate my intelligence my ability to live be happy, joyful, survive

does not mean I am smart at all

Good riddance of bad rubbish. Empty trash daily first thing.

I rarely apologize

Kill me if i can't clean myself or my own house

Food and drinks. The primary point of weight. You can't exercise off a bad diet

Settling down sitting down most of the time is rotting in hell

If I am going to have tea or coffee, then it will be STRONG, PLAIN BLACK INTENSE REAL NATURAL WITH GENUINE CAFFEINE

 I want to know that I am having the REAL thing

not some watered down fake 

Grateful people are happy people. That is what I want to be around. JOY!

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." -- Thomas A. Edison

 Your Daily Quotation:

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

-- Thomas A. Edison

Sophisticated people avoid

 https://hackspirit.com/sophisticated-people-avoid/

sophisticated people avoid

Solitude and keepin to oneself is not a mental illness, it is a preference

 each person is different ..

some prefer to have the company of another person or people around the majority of the time

some prefer isolation solitude just being alone

the ones who experience lots of solitude seem to be able to express the most creativity

can expres themsevles freely

invent, create and be themselves 

There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way." -- Christopher Morley

 

Your Daily Quotation:

"There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way."

-- Christopher Morley

Devastations

Not seeing grandson every week

Swindled by woman says she's on disability been a care giver for her started october 2022

Lessons learned my naivete gullibility seem real 

More real every day 

Catch 22 of what to do

Crying my eyes out almost every day 

Sad very yesterday more than before all at once tears gushing

Finding out woman can't be helped doesn't  need my help

And she's rotten evil core I could have died by her or wrongly being put in jail she falsely accuses people has them charged with false allegations imprison she's a liar a fake fraud phony criminal ,no telling what she will say or do next either to me or anyone anywhere

And this was is my only income other than piddly internet sales 

I cry alot can't see my family much, miss my little motor scooter so much

Family losses are too much, breaks my heart

And feel like nervous breakdown,  need safe place protection peace quiet

Away from insane people and insanity craziness 

Husband constantly confused annoyed angered emotions out of control and nice on e minute hateful five or ten times as long.. if he loves me for one hour then hates me for ten hours days weeks

Multiple incidences of stressful events for years, losses and lack of healthy social contacts and activities 

Forcing shoving things down one's throat chokes: Resistance occurs

The louder you scream the less I hear you

Sophisticated

 so·phis·ti·cat·ed

[səˈfistəˌkādəd]

ADJECTIVE

having, revealing, or proceeding from a great deal of worldly experience and knowledge of fashion and culture:

"a chic, sophisticated woman" · "a young man with sophisticated tastes"

SIMILAR:

worldly

worldly-wise

experienced

enlightened

cosmopolitan

Cosmopolitan

 defintion

cosmopolitan

adjective

free from local, provincial, or national ideas, prejudices, or attachments; at home all over the world.

of or characteristic of a cosmopolite.

belonging to all the world; not limited to just one part of the world.

Botany, Zoology. widely distributed over the globe.

noun

a person who is free from local, provincial, or national bias or attachment; citizen of the world; cosmopolite.

a cocktail made with vodka, cranberry juice, an orange-flavored liqueur, and lime juice.

My girfriend Ruthie Johnson told me I was Cosmo and she was seventeen when we were in junior high and high school belton Missouri back in the 70s 1970s

Baby bear says

 It's too hot, it's too cold...

too big, too small, too much, not enough

It's just right

Temperature determines

The greatest gift you will ever have is your life, and the second greatest gift, which you give yourself, is courage to live it to the fullest.

 Your Daily Quotation:

"The greatest gift you will ever have is your life, and the second greatest gift, which you give yourself, is courage to live it to the fullest. Time goes by quickly, and you cannot take it for granted. Appreciate how far you have come, and give yourself the gift of discovering how far you can yet go."

-- Dr. Sonya Friedman

Is anyone aware of how irritating they are?

I am a company of one. ME alone

I don't need it: ALL that Stuff

Some people are nice to some of the people some of the time. Some are nice to all people all or most of the time

Class: What you are or what you own?

All the pretty things.....

 She buys 

Pay me to watch you

 Clean house 

FEAR of not knowing, being found ignorant, of being ridiculed for stupidity, being stupid. Common

A polished shiny turd is still a turd

I chose you and I can unchoose you too: Choices

Work=do jobs, what you like for others and make money or barter and trade

VISUAL VIDEOS PICTURES OF BEAUTY ARE OFFICIAL WORLDWIDE LANGUAGE: UNSPOKEN

 words are not necessary at all

this is why they, the males men WATCH 

videos and don't listen to the words spoken 

I've seen it over and over time and time again

him watching the spanish channel and he can't speak the language

the ex watch triple x porn movies with the sound turned off

the current hub man male doing the same exact things, watching the sex tapes or the tv chanel with pretty girls beautful women with the sound off, not talking period

at stores: went into the african food store in ruskin plaza the men working there have the tv going with the sound turned way down you can barely hear it and watching vids of gorgeous women and they are not listening to what she or the women are saying at all..

what are they doing? just watching the picures

in the meantime treating me and their current g/f girl woman wife like a piece of total trash while they beat their meat off to some strange woman 

him finding astrology astrologer on internet when he has zero interest in astro stuff ...he chose one of the most beautiful women to play the vids joni patry .. and admits he has NO CLUE what she is talking about, does not know what she is saying...  

he CAN'T listen when he is LOOKING

I was the Narrator Tom Sawyer Huckleberry Fin : Age 10 Fifth Grade HILLCREST Elementary school Belton, MO 64012

 Teachers chose me to be the narrator to tell the story of

Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn

A play at the school where I told the story and didn't play a part in it.

Interesting. Why did they choose me to be the narrator?

grade school 

The podium I stood behind. Scared almost stiff and I talked ..reading the script
and felt like I wasn't in my body at all.

The subconscious or whatever it is called took over as I read the words ..felt like I wasn't there at all...it was somone else doing the work. 

People hang onto their junk until the last dog is dead. Until they die. Material things, money, possessions. Death always follows.

Dog neighboorhood

Cat neighboorhood

Old enough to know better... is not always true at all

College education, formal learning does not guarantee simplicity and joy

 she has 26 years of formal education and can't/won't scrape her plates of food after eating
she can't clean her own house, do the dishes, the laundry, clean floors, yard work
she won't take a walk further than the end of the driveway

won't take out the trash
talking about MHB , one I am the care giver for since October 2022

Human rat traps: We often live in these boxes

What I say NO to is Top priority

Trade your life for slave labor hourly or salary : typical teachings of humans

Thought not luck determines decisions and outcome

I'll always remember how it made me feel

I'll always remember how you made me feel

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." -- Walt Disney

 Your Daily Quotation:

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."

-- Walt Disney

hide and watch, observe, look, see BEFORE jumping off the cliff

People don't want to hear you cry, bitch, complain, whine moan groan :be ugly nasty hateful, any NEGATIVEs

 throw fits

temper tantrums

scream yell name call

ass hole asinine

jerk butt poop shit poopy attitude behavior

Things not to share

 Car

House, home, place you/I live

bedroom

Sex life information

personal details such as:  

Cute is what they want: Men, women and children

Simple rules

The simpler and stupid it is the more popular it becomes. Music, toys, anything

Birth, First Question: Is it a boy or a girl?

 Identify myself, yourself.

I was born a female remain one throughout my entire life

No chance for changing that fact

Perios

Be yourself. Never allow bullies to bully, push, taunt, tease, humiliate, ridicule, dare

 force

make fun of

try to make you or turn you into someone you are not

Never let anyone else drive your/my car ; for obvious reasons

 Never let anyone else drive your/my car 

People often fail to listen to each other and stop listening to themselves at some point

 We ignore advice, examples

Quit listening to intuition, inner voice

Failures, mistakes are the result of both 

Rats in the cradle and the silver spoon

 Hoarder house Marielle 

My desirability is determined solely by my looks not performance or knowledge

They think I am an easy target.

 They think I am an easy target. Try to be in charge of me. Therefore they take advantage of it.

 Fool me foolish me nice naive sweet innocent loving kind 

helpful considerate  

I am a survivor

I am a survivor

narcs narcissists abusers controllers 

sexual sex abuse first incident age 4

insomnia totally irregular abnormal sleeping situation

scoliosis broken back

severe levoscoliosis 38 degree curve diagnosed 2019 multiple xrays and 2 mris

bipolar manic dep

physical abuse black eyes both eyes blacked at once age 16

left eye blacked by husband age 23

falling down tailbone broken 3,4 5 times

fell several times and once someone pulled chair out from under me fell on concrete floor at super flea

bullied by many people including husbands boyfriends women

bosses managers coworkers

brain damage head injuries   fractured skull

dozen car wrecks

kicked in the head knocked out

sodomized raped repeatedly and in my sleep by ex

scapegoat scapegoated blamed for things i didn't do 

for things i wouldnt do

things i couldn't do

survived being in schizophrenic family 

husband 31 years since dec 1991

his mother, uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers, cousins crazy paranoid schizo

john layson hoarder

m barnes hoarder psycho bipolar nutcase

railroad  me people

commanding others demanding of people 

why?  power domination control

forget it.... you can only control yourself

real control is controlling the self 

those lacking in 

try to act like they control others and the environment

Slaves rebel at some point. Find someone else to dog around.

What is normal? seeking normal friends associates people any being that is real and natural

Cleaning person i am is not respected. Treated like dirt and I am the one cleaning up dirt after myself and others

 Disrespectful to me

Grandpa, tossed 10 dollars to me after I spent about 4 hours cleaning . Smirks while doing it 

At home I don't get paid and don't expect it.  

Husband and ex expect me to do it and treat me like shit

John l, total disregard for any cleaning I did 9 years at flea market 

Caregiver work I do now and have done is not valued or appreciated from clients customers anyone

They place high value on material things and all things they want completely disregarding me

Son

Why try to do anything when someone destroys whatever i do

Death might be better than a joyless life

What do you think you are, a movie star he said today walking thru woods in front of me

 I should say to myself, you/i must be a stpuid idiot for ever thinking believing fairy tale lies like toads with warts (or not) can turn into a prince.  Stupid for believing a person can change or wants to change and be a nice person displaying common courtesy to all people not just "important" people.  And very extremely stupid for thinking if you only love someone they will love you back.  Some are incapable of love to begin with; all they want is sex, money and attention with the spotlighf on them at all times. 

If they ever do anything nice for another person its begrudgingly done with spite hatred and hell to pay and they expect a payback for anything they do while conveniently disregarding and minimizing anything i have done for them or anyone out of the natural kindness of my heart. 

A turd is a turd regardless of how much its polished, decorated, understood, loved . It remains shit

He she doesnt like you Does not respect me. Tolerates, puts up with me

 So they can get use and benefits ouf of me for themselves only

They have zero concern for anything about me, disregarding my wishes and literally bashing BASH criticizing things i like and love