Thursday, October 31, 2024
Leader leadership effective group participation cooperation towards a worthy goal
this is where everyone wins or can succeed and feels good and useful and productive towards the common good
it is where i can be a winner along with you or my neighbor, friend, family or stranger
Mudslinging is for bullies. Followers love to watch a mud fight shitshow cock or dog fight
sports participating in or spectator sports
including football, basketball, rugby, hockey, boxing, wrestling, fighting
somebody has got to win and there is only one winner
this is competition not cooperation
head knocking, box and bash heads in, kick, punch, slap, gouge, chase down, shoot, stab
progression from sweetheart to bitch has been a long one took many years
the progression from sweetheart to bitch has been a long one took many years
for me to get wise about the truth
he needs to cry .. instead of yell and scream.. at me
think i figured out one thing he ought to do
cry his eyes out the way i do, the way i have shed tears over the years
crying for the pain of others, my own pain i deal with physically and mentally every day
i cry easily, he cant seem to cry and admit weakness and fear
he did cry once a few years ago when i had enough of this isolation shit in this house and i scratched my left arm bad. i couldnt take it anymore. this fucking bullshit
he needs to break down completely and get rid of the anxiety, the fear of all the things he has no control over like death
he needs to want to kill himself, feel like committing suicide, killing himself the way i have done and have attempted several times in my life
he needs to recognize his ass hole abuse, the way he has treated me and beg forgiveness and never go back and say or do the shit he has done to me and never mistreat anyone ever again
he needs to be completely shut out by everyone the way he shuts me out
he needs to have his dreams and abilities and talents destroyed the same way he has done to me
he needs to have someone bash his head everyday telling him he is worthless, the same as he has done to me
needs to have his good looks destroyed, physical abilities eliminated, to be locked up in a small room and chained physically or mentally so he cannot move
the puny insignificant ones that feel worthless...... treat others like shit
i know some people like this
and they are political and/or religious fanatics
constantly obsessed with listening to, watching news, entertainment, media bull shit
shittole shitola crap c r a p p
such as z o r e kk r i ch ards mhb ma r i ell e h o l mm an barnes
they have grandiose sense of importance, entitlement to the max..
she the mari one even had an auction trying to sell her own puss for 5 million dollars . she also thinks she is a famous comedian/comedienne and is not one bit funny she thinks she is smarter than most anyone, believes she is very important vip and no one gives a rats hole what she thinks or is she is obese and takes 40 prescription pills a day ..she puts on the fake phoney false nice voice at first meeting then turns violent and abusive screaming and yelling threats and obcenities at anyone she has known for awhile
this explains why he immediately instantly hated these people's guts..he recognized their a hole behavior as one like him and hated them right away where as i didnt see it because i dont hate people right away i usually take time to get to know them before concluding what they are ..
and i see that they have a hard time crying real tears experiencing true sadness instead will become angry hot tempered with fire , scared to death anyone can see their "weakness"
the weaker more insecure one feels and is, the more they are nasty to anyone close such as partner spouse mate children family.. the more they put people down and never build them up
bullies feel worthless and must shit on me and others to make themselves feel superior, smarter, better, powerful when it causes the opposite effect
I think too much and that is exactly what he/she doesn't want me to do
he/she goes ballistic when i repeat what they said or did.
never admitting fault, forgetfulness, failure, mistakes, fucked up words and actions
blaming me for their own shitty ass behavior
saying shit like "its not my fault" even when it clearly is their fault
constantly confused
always trying to figure out the "right thing to say or do" around others like neighbors, strangers but not around me
he doesn't give two shits about what i think, want or my opinion of him or anything
considers me lower status piece of dirt shit as if he is entitled and better than me, smarter, more worthy
I've made my own room of everything. Like a studio apartment. To survive narc abuse.
my bedroom:
sleep, eat, bathroom, cook, laundry, sew, work, dance, exercise
bed. sleep. eat. food. computers, tablets, phones, laundry in the bath tub
sew, sewing machine, sewing boxes
merchandise for sale and the things that will be listed
photographs, photo picture viewer
television, dvds, vhs but no vcr just a dvd player that wont play home made dvds
this is the same thing I did when I was a child, teenager, in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, now in my 60s
my grandmother was a full blown narcisisst, appearing so nice and perfect in public and a raving nasty screaming controlling micromanaging bitch at home with me and grandpa..always telling us what to do and thinking she knows what the entire world SHOULD be and becoming ill because she could not control the world and people and things were not what she wanted them to be. always saying stuff to me like this is the right thing to do, this is wrong, never say or do this or that. look good outside the status the public appearance is the most important thing of all yet she herself could be the ugliest looking acting mean person and flip over doing a 180 opposite looking nice loving caring innocent and go on and on and on about how much she did/does for other people, how perfect and beautiful and great of a person she is, how she only wanted the best for me and she wanted the best for all of her children. she hated every partner female or male that her 2 sons and one daughter was with and almost every boy/male/man that i was with, judging them instantly and saying they were pure and total white trash.
she focused on actors, actresses famous in the media, the movies, the news basing her decisions upon what a person was supposed to do saying shit to me like 'the rich people don't smoke' (which is a lie because some of them smoke, some don't). ironically enough my husband acts exactly like she did.
it's like they don't know who they really are, can't truly be themselves constatnly afraid they are being judged, criticized, condemned, ridiculed by the neighbors, friends, strangers, family and yet that is exactly what they do to me and everyone else. a constant flow of criticism and lack of acceptance of the self in totality, unable to accept any flaw, any mistake or slip up especially from me. as if i am supposed to 100% perfect and she/he can fuck up and act like a total demon devil and that is supposed to be the right way to act, to be.
Wednesday, October 30, 2024
Yo yo is me. And other things I am treated like....
Doormat
Punching bag
Slap in the face
Ragdoll
Puppet
Doll, wood, plastic, fake materials
Idiot
Moron
Sucker
Dimwit
Inconvenience
Pain in the ass
Expense
Dishwasher
Slave
Surrogate
roller coaster ride
I fell in love with the false image of him
says one things then says and does the opposite
negative, mean, selfish, hateful, accusatory, guilty, hypocritical,
says things like "i want you to be happy" then says and does everything he can to be sure I am not happy then gets pissed off because i am not happy with being yelled and screamed at, called terrible names, blocked, slapped,
not knowing his real self of shame .the dark side at home,the light side in public
appears one way in public (light, positive, helpful) and the opposite to me at home
i suspect i still dont know and havent seen all the sides
the personalities that pop up around different people in different situations
names of disorders include bipolar paranoid schizophrenic antisocial sociopath psychopath neurotic
i suspect that he is the only one that experiences all the sides of him and may not be aware consciously of all of these aspects of his personalities . it appears he gets amnesia at times, either real or feigned/faked, seeming to forget his own words, tone of voice, gestures and actions
he has said "i may have said that" or "i meant that' when i repeated his exact words to another person in front of him
admitting what he said or even what he wrote is nearly impossible
he had another meltdown tonight after i opened his dorm size fridge and pulled out various drink containers of his and noted that this is all his stuff in the refrigerator. he yelled "all youre doing is letting hot air in there". i said "i just wanted to see what is in there. I was looking to see if there was a soda I might like that might go good with ice cream".
final ending is he ate his heath breyers ice cream and i ate nothing until 3 am a couple of hours after he went to bed
Tuesday, October 29, 2024
Moved my bedroom furniture around again today and got the sewing machine in the room. Yippee!!
Now I think it might be easier to work, eat, cook, sleep and dance in here.
I don't need to hear his/her broken weather record about how we are in for big changes and trouble because the weather is changing...
and it is not like it used to be.
fear, anxious, anxiety, worry. could lose our lose, lose our live. it could all be over in an instant or dragged out over a long miserable period of time.
Afraid to admit fear that he/she is afraid/scared. TRUTH is
scared to admit fear. frightened. like a child.
Human memory is often flawed. How can we trust ourselves or anyone else?
Recording via audio and/or video may be more accurate in determining what actually happened.
Even then, if 100 people watch a video there will be 100 different accounts of what happened in their memory.
I dont know all 8 billion people in the world, only a few thousand
So I cant speak for all and generalize as I tend to do
However i observe trends, history, news, books, movies and the people I personally know, people I have known and the new ones meet so I see patterns of behavior sometimes which are seeming to be collective
Psychology, human and animal behavior, response to stimuli, environment, exposure to real or imagined things interest me.
Monday, October 28, 2024
he just threw a violent fit we got letters from social security they increased my income 105 a month
now saying you should pay your car insurance why should i pay for everything around here
these things are not my responsibility
to provide food, clean clothes, clean rooms for others who are full grown adults
to do things and comply with wishes of any person who is rude, unappreciative, mean, condescending, hateful, jealous,
His contradictory behaviors, words, actions
he tells me to shut the fuck up and he doesnt like my "stories" yet he listens and laughs to the stories told by ricky
he pays attention to the world, strangers and their terrible tragedies and ignores what I need, minimizes what i am, my conditions, feelings, thoughts, words
he says "I don't care what you want!"
when he finds out what i want he does everything to make sure that i don't get it
this explains why he asks me question such as "what would you like?" "what do you want?" "what do you want to do?"
he will not acknowledge any praise or compliments i receive from others, negating what they say and chalking it up to "they are just trying to be nice, polite, they don't really mean it"
he is totally wrapped up in the big screen, the media, the television, internet, what other people are doing and has no idea what is going on at home
he watches people dancing having fun doing stunts political gatherings for trump on the computer yet he avoids looking at me and avoids looking at my face, looking me in the eye
he avoids me face, focuses on my body areas especially my butt or breasts
he doesnt make plans to take me out anywhere
he waits until the last minute before he leaving to ask me if i want to go, which subconsciously states he doesnt want me to go with him
the only places we go and it is rare that we go anywhere together, i have to be plainly and fully dressed preferably ugly and boring looking and are places he is familiar with: walk at the one park he goes to, shopping at places like grocery store, dollar tree, auto parts, fast food restaurants
he only thinks about food when he is hungry
he only thinks about most things right before they occur
he is impulsive, explosive in anger, throws temper tantrums when he sees anything he doesnt like, hears something he hates, sees someone he doesnt like the way they look
He likes to see me in different outfits but wont take me anywhere I can wear them. I am banned from wearing any item that looks like a corset, lingerie, reveals my ass/butt, chest, upper thighs
i must use extreme caution being careful about the way i dress at all times. if i am dressed in any way he views as possibly being cute, sexy, revealing he instantly blows up and yells "you are not wearing that out of this house!!"
he makes sure no one can see in the windows at home. maybe he is a voyeur, a window peeper
he secretly sucks up views porn pornography ..i have discovered him viewing it accidentally when he had his bedroom door shut and i opened the door which i usually dont do like he does to me...and i saw some of the huge collection of vhs tapes he has that he acquired from many sources one being from my ex husbands house when the ex had to move in 2008 and the house was full of junk some other porn i know he got from the old shed at the next door neighbors house when the neighbor left town for awhile saying he was not coming back
he says it is not abnormal for males to look at porn sex movies magazines or in any format yet if i ever had any kind of that around he would blow up and make me get rid of it
he feels he has the right to have whatever he wants anywhere at anytime and has total ownership rights rule priviliges of this entire house, property, land and all vehicles
each room is a pile of stuff things junk, a mess, not dusted, lots of cobwebs, dirt, dust
freeks freaks out when i move anything around especially to clean
gets off at scaring me and people
Saturday, October 26, 2024
After years..
i hate the sound you make when you eat
i can't stand your voice
i don't like the way you look
i don't like your clothes
i don't like your music
i can't stand the way you smell
your breath stinks
i don't like the stink from the things you do and the food you eat
i don't like the way you think
i don't like your hobbies
i don't like your friends, your family
i don't like your job
i can't tolerate much about you so I think you should be dead. you don't deserve to live
basically almost everything about me he hates
this is the way he is and how my husband treats me
in the beginning i was accepted for most of what I am
over the years it has degenerated in to intense loathing hatred increased mental cruelty and advanced to physical violence hitting punching slapping
and I don't like the stinking things he does, the dirty lack of cleanliness, clutter, hoarding, hiding, conniving, threats, insults, humiliation, criticizing,
i don't want to live with him or anyone else because I know. I've already been through it. whoever i live with turns to hate even when my best friend and sister in law lived with me. eventually you can't stand each other. familiarity is contempt, regardless of how well you get along before living together. every time, every person I have stayed with. every person I know and meet experiences the same thing.
i want to live in a clean organized environment. i want to have food i like, do the hobbies i love, have friends if my choice, earn money how i want. i want my choices, my life, things the way I want.nobody in my way.
i want to do what I want when I want.
PUSHY PEOPLE I have lived with and know
TRAITS
early morning, think they have to be the first to get there
don't like doing things in the evening
cant focus on one person in conversation
easily distracted
distract themselves continually with environmental things
cant close eyes and meditate
dont have patience to list items for sale and go thru the whole process of it
lack patience
insist on having their way
only clean one small area at a time and dont do a thorugh job
dont want to pull all things out and clean house properly
leave piles of laundry, dirty dishes and many other messes for me to clean up
wont clean our hose out trash cans
like to watch big screens on televisions or at movie theaters
like to have huge speakers and sounds blasting in the house and cars, trucks, automobiles
dont like to research anything and get details before projects and decisions
love to accumulate stuff/things and dont want to get rid of anything
have trouble organizing things
efficiency and ergonomics is a real problem for them
have stuff in the way making it difficult to do simple things
refrigerator crammed disorganized messy not easy to clean
Friday, October 25, 2024
Thursday, October 24, 2024
Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Tuesday, October 22, 2024
he needs something to do every morning and throughout the day
and focus on his own stuff and not mine
stay out of my way
Monday, October 21, 2024
Pig People
is what I have lived with and dealt with my whole life
they hate sunshine in the house, close the doors and windows to block out the light
can't clean anything properly and thoroughly
pack things in the house and in the yard and anywhere they can
make more spaces to store stuff and/or rent storage units for more junk they might "need' in the future
love to eat fast food
have no patience
don't like to go to nice places and "fancy" restaurants or anywhere people dress up and look nice
don't use much soap
can't see that the little things microscopic life makes up the big things
railroad me
are pushy, mean, forceful, hateful, vindictive, vengeful
detest loving people or animals, will shoot at them, throw rocks or other items at them, yell and run them off
don't like lots of free space in the house to move around easily
have dirty minds
filthy thoughts, grimy slimy greasy bodies
wear the same dirty clothes over and over not washing them
fear of water
can't stand to get rained on at all as if rain will kill you/them
can't plan ahead
can't think beyond what they need or want immediately
don't use calendars and go to events
refuse to do anything they are not interested in and
demand i go to places they like and do what they do
cut me down diminishing and minimizing whatever i think say or do
will take advantage of anyone anywhere they happen to be
seek out opportunities to use people then say they are worthless pieces of shit
call me and most people stupid
have to touch put their hands on any and everything and are not paying attentive cognitive of what they touch and spread around with their dirty hands
sneeze cough spit wherever they happen to be and don't think about the consequences and how they spread germs and diseases
wallow in filth
most will fuck any female or thing they can get their hands on
lack self control of their mouth, words, actions
hate places like church cannot understand spiritual meanings
cant understand much
cant see the unity and connections of all things to all and how they are responsible and affect others or anything
fraud, fraudulent criminal activities
give rotten food and things they would not eat or drink to others and dont care how it might hurt or kill them
inhales their food instead of slowly chewing and savoring it
do not focus on the meal they are eating and gets up jumps around and answers the phone while eating
eat bits of food and junk and sugary drinks all day long
does whatever they can to make me feel miserable
blocks me from any higher education and fun activities
Sunday, October 20, 2024
I have experienced..
Many oppositions and contradictions
Love hate acceptance exclusion admiration disgust
Moderation: just the right amount needed
not too much
not too little
either one causes stress. anxiety, fear, meanness
I needs to learn moderation in all things
A real hero would put me out of my misery like a horse with a broken leg
instead of deliberately making me more miserable and seeming to enjoy watching me suffer like my husband does
Saturday, October 19, 2024
Friday, October 18, 2024
the wife
supposed to keep herself covered up
not go anywhere fun
never dress up but dress down
make herself invisible
be the slave to the house, the husband, the house and all of her and his family
discreet
quiet
remian in the background
support all of his endeavors while he diminishes hers
dont dance, dont do anything that is sexy or provocative
WHILE HE
carouses, browses, sucks up porn, goes to bars taverns car shows gun shows whorehouses
He said I dont have enough space and he filled up all his space at home and rented 3 large storage units
john william layson
self fulfilling prophecy
He doesnt want anyone looking at me. I dont want him to look at anyone else
Yet he looks at naked women on porn
i cant help it if i look good no matter how much i cover my body up
INTERESTS
painting, pottery, finger paints, sketch, draw, incense, burning natural things for smoke
cooking, mixing, blending
organizing
observing, observation
writing
dancing
drums
water activities
cycling
swimming
flexiblility, movement with ease
meditating
concentrating, focus
creating
contemplating
fact finding
PATIENCE
while I sit back and watch others and the world
observe and learn, hopefully
self discovery is the best teacher
the desire to discover must be first and foremost
confused, angry individuals is what i have dealt with continuously in my life
at home this has been the "norm"
it is different when it just happens outside of the home but when i have to deal with impatient, angry, confused people that don't understand basics of common decency and nature it is one of the biggest challenges in life
i am tired and exhausted
I dont feel bad for what I've said or done because I've always meant well
I feel bad for what others have done to me and other people, animals and things
I choose words and actions based upon what I think is the right and ethical thing to do in consideration of one and all
Thursday, October 17, 2024
Things they have in common.
Early risers
Quik trips
Processed and restaurant food
Dont like anyone spending the night
Tea with sweeteners
Cakes cookies pie donuts sweets
Eat frequently thru the day
Cant turn down food
Feigned innocence to all except partner and own children
Asks others opinions
Wont usually directly confront the one they are angry with at work, neighbors, strangers but its no holds barred with spouse and child
High pitched voice is liked
Hard worker for the money
Pushes food and activities onto partner and child
Forces child to listen to stories
Reads watches tv does other things while eating
Riding lawn mower
Strong physically
Eats. Leaves kitchen mess
Doesnt dance
Hates smoking
Doesnt want to pay me or others
Whines complains tantrums
Never enough of anything
Feet problems
Lives in tv internet news movies
Gets hot easily
Hates laundry
Doesnt like to cook or clean dishes or house
Expects calls from partner child while at work
Listens to commercials
Compares self with others
Pays bills on own time schedule
Set routines for dentist tooth brushing hair cut appointments
Doesnt want to go out party socialize
Average to plain looking. Not sexually appealing to majority
Wants to control and direct attention of spouse and child
Printed clothing wall pictures designs mixed up doesnt bother them
Follows crowd, groupie
Mike
Heather
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
Conclusion: He needs to live alone. Maybe I do, too
He controls the entire home, yard and all three vehicles we have.
He leaves his personal belongings in every room, the entire garage, the entire upstairs and main floor hall closet and half the kitchen table.
He consumed the entire living room with all of the things he wants and likes. Two recliner chairs, a coffee table in between the chairs filled bottom and top with his stuff. A large brown tan and black printed oriental rug is on the floor. He bought the rug at Super Flea probably in 2000 or 2001. It is old and dirty.
A large wood entertainment center he built filled with his stereo equipment, reel to reel players, cds, dvds, turntable, vinyl records. A big screen television he bought many years ago sits atop the center. He is the only one who uses the tv and all of the stereo equipment.
The top of the entertainment center is piled with miscellaneous gadgets, tools, gloves, etcetera. He leaves his clothes, shoes, boots, jackets, tools, in the living room. He bought a small dorm refrigerator full of his drinks and food and put it in the corner of the living room close to a built in bookshelf. The refrigerator blocks part of the access to the books and it is difficult to get to them. That built in bookshelf is full of his books and miscellaneous items he stacks on top of the books and in front of the books.
He put kerosene lanterns, boxes, rugs, gloves, cans of old candles, on top of the wood shelf going along the sides of the fireplace.
The entire living room and contents is dusty. He is the only one who can clean it which might happen once every few years.
He has two sheds outside full of his stuff. He has used up most of the laundry room area by putting the old kitchen cabinets in the room and filling them and covering the top of the cabinets with his stuff. He put an old washer and dryer in the laundry room in the middle of the floor. He built a two shelves in the laundry room years ago and put his big boxes of old stuff underneath and on top of each shelf.
He filled up the table with two drawers that I brought home one day. He put his old electronics stuff in the bottom of it and filled the whole top with crates of vhs tapes and says he plans on watching all of those movies.
He has full control of the entire front and back yard and the other two sides of the house. The north side of the house is lined with his junk alongside the house and all along the fence across from it. He has a pile of firewood he cut (and cuts every year) and a huge pile of bricks/stones close to the north fence past the middle of the backyard.
He has one bedroom filled with all of his stuff. He uses one bathroom, filled with his stuff and he "cleans" it now and then. Not too often from the way it looks.
Monday, October 14, 2024
Anymore if I make it ...
If I make it through any of these I am happy, happier than before....
through a meal in peace without a fight
wake up and have energy
can decide what to wear and be content with the outfit
walk without tripping
manage to finish cleaning anything
complete the laundry for the day
complete the dishes for the day not having to do yesterday's dirty dishes or pans
manage to vacuum an entire room
sell something online either in person or through the mail
keep my wits about me in the chaos
able to complete a task without being questioned, directed, ridiculed, harassed at home
She..
accepts him the way he is
is years younger or seems younger
is naive innocent ignorant new fun
is easily impressed by him so he doesn't have to do much
never challenges him or his behavior
doesn't compare him to anyone
young enough to not compare him
laughs at all of his jokes
thinks he's great like God
looks fresh healthy tight lithe cute
smiles giggles laughs alot
never tells him how to do his job
doesn't talk much about the past she doesn't have much history
is easygoing
doesn't question him
is ready to go and do what he wants
Shy, he says
2 sons from 2 other males
Concubine of my married son. Her 27, him 42.
She reminded me of the young version of what grandma patty probably was like when i saw her in august 2024 at his house. Then i find out on october 12, 2024 she was born october 13 and is now 27. Patty/Patricia was born october 4, 1944. I see similarities in the face, blonde hair, raspiness of the voice, personality. Ironically i dont think he is conscious of the similarities. He once said he didnt have a role model when growing up and if he did his grandma would be the only one, it certainly wasnt me or his dad.
There is an underlying hatred he has for me. Comments, yelling, avoidance, no holidays spent with me.
kayla m is a princess an angel 15
why do roosters crow all day
https://www.bing.com/search?q=what%20makes%20a%20rooster%20crow%20all%20day&cc=US&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001&ssp=1&safesearch=moderate&setlang=en
I got a computer to work so I can make money
I studied computer programming to get a job.
1984 August to 1985 March technical School . Bryan institute 9400 nall overland Park KS
people are doing so much more than just working with the computers
same with cell phones
they play games
just like they do in real life
turn the computers and phones into cameras maps gps payment processing televisions radios socializing news movies porn criminal activities networking
libraries
Sunday, October 13, 2024
I Searched for answers.....
Meaning. Purpose. Life. Why? What? Who? When? How? Where?
Searched religions. Christianity Church. Taoism. Buddha. Islam. God. Allah. Spirit. Jewish Jews Judaism Catholic Catholicism
Devils devil worship. Satan. Satanism.
Atheist atheism. Agnostic agnosticism.
God's goddesses polygon beliefs. Indian.
Superstition.
Fear of anything and fear nothing.
Man Gods. human icons. worship cults culture systems groups organizations. Communities.
Wicca. Witchcraft. Pagan paganism. Heathen. Savages. The uncivilized. The civilized insane human groups. The animals.
Cliques. Clans. Cults.
Positive thoughts and prayers and thinking. Negativism. Skepticism .
Sadism, masochist masochistic. Self mutilation. Murderers.
Hero. Heroism. Hero worship. Fantasy. Fanaticism. Idolatry.
Politics. Categories. Creation. Destruction.
Addiction. Obsession. Work. Workaholic. Sex. Sexaholic. Drugs. Chemical dependence. Exercise to the max. Steroids. Muscle building weight lifting.
Anorexia. Bulimia. Undereat. Starvation. Overeat.
Chronic stress. Deprivation. Dehydration. Heat . Cold. Extremes of anything.
Silent. Silence. Constantly talking chatter saying nothing.
Microscope and microscopic. Mini miniature. Magnify. Magnificent. Large. Gigantic. Morpheus.
searched books, magazines, newspapers, libraries. Mass media. People. Family friends strangers for information about life.
Searched telephone, television, radio.
Travelled across the country of the United States. Studied about people in the world in other countries. Studied about the universe, the planets, cosmos, the stars. Studied physics, psychology, sociology, history, math, arts, languages, cultures. Law and order.
Worked at countless jobs. For pay and for free. For next to nothing.
Answers are within. In myself. In every you. Blowing in the wind. in the air. in the water. in every rock, nook cranny and tree. All the animals, the plants, the sky and sun and moon. Answers in every speck of nothing, virus, atom, fragments.
What makes a woman feel like a woman female girl? A man
A real male boy
Having a child or children or pets to take care of
A man feels like a man when he is with a real woman he can take care of and love and protect
invest in myself first
stop putting money work and efforts in people who are mean,
weak, selfish, hateful, greedy, jealous, never satisfied, dirty. stupid. malicious, fraudulent, cheap, stingy , fake, phony. false. two faced. porn lovers. hoarders, takes advantage of the weak. poor. young. old.
treats People differently, hates life, feels entitled, pigs. liars. criminals, thieves. me first rude. impolite, braggart. self righteous, lacking self reflection, threatening, paranoid, stingy, horrible,
lacks understanding, can't communicate,
bastards, bitches, false, pushy, arrogant, haughty, self righteous, judgemental, political. religious,
lacks creativity, not artistic,
Saturday, October 12, 2024
Wednesday, October 9, 2024
Very fortunate lucky indeed. All i need now is...
40 years off my age. New back, new body. Current wisdom in that young body.
Fortunate
still alive. survived all this and that for 63 years and 3 months.
can read my own diary journal going back over 40 years ago in the 1980s
Monday, October 7, 2024
Opened my journal dated 12-26-96
It begins with cleaning house and simplifying. Same thing i am working on now and have been for countless years.
Somehow explains how or why i end up with messes and people who are a mess. I want to clean them up.
But alas, it rarely works.
Sunday, October 6, 2024
I will keep questioning all. He accepts dogma
And demands control yet he is controlled and unaware of it.
He cannot command. He has no grace. Powerless are demanding and believe they command power . He listens to commercials and believes them. I see it through his actions and words clearly showing he is influenced by ads. Slogans. Isolating himself to the right wing side refusing to hear any other conflicting information from various sources.
I am helpless to helping him. He will not seek professional treatment nor seek information by being introspective. He sees nothing wrong with himself. He doesn't question anything about himself. Instead he makes snap judgements and firmly adheres to them.
No one can disagree with him. An atomic bomb goes off in him if I or anyone disagrees. He backs up his beliefs and system with his army of news from conspiracy theories.
Questioning anything these theorists say is too confusing. Exploring any ideas is too hard
It's easier to pick one side and agree with them.
I told him he's a groupie the other day. He said maybe I am. Following the political group.
It's enough to get you killed.
Saturday, October 5, 2024
Eye exam at walmart october 4 2024
Doctor said I have no cataracts, no glaucoma and no macular degeneration which is good. He said my pupils were well dilated so he did not have to dilate my eyes and that was good. . He said he has to dilate most people's eyes who are around my age of 63.
Friday, October 4, 2024
Cute they can't resist
Cute they can't resist
People, both men and women, are always looking to see if they can see something. Skin, crotch, vagina, pussy, tits, boobs, dick, penis, prong, balls, testicles. Ass, butt, butt cheeks, muscles, flabbiness, toned look, taught, tight looking skin, the face being the first and foremost prominent thing to recognize what you are dealing with.
Face, hair, eyes, mouth, teeth, skin tell it all instantly. Body shape, hands are next.
Staring at her face to see if she will smile. Checking out her reactions, her facial expressions to everything. Wanting to determine her mood.
Is she laughing, giggling?
Did that make her mad, upset her, make her angry?
Attractive female, girl, woman, teen, teenager, lady, young or old is always being watched more closely than the one perceived as not sexually attractive which is ugly, fat, out of shape, dressed in baggy clothes. Wrong clothes, the ones that make me look bad are large prints, wild animal prints, bright fluorescent colors, anything that matches my skin tone.
Wearing clothes that reveal too much skin (unless I am in a swimsuit at the beach or pool) in the wrong places are a sign of stupidity and bad taste.
Clothes that don't fit right, too loose, too tight, don't match, shoes that are worn out, floppy, dirty and don't match the outfit are definitely wrong.
Cute girl is perceived as an immediate threat to other females. Instinct lets us know that any male will be attracted to the sexy beautiful woman and he is just waiting for the moment to seize the opportunity to have sex with her anywhere at anytime.
Male (heterosexual ones) will desperately grasp the chance to mount any female he finds attractive and available. Some boys, teens, males, men won't wait for the female to respond. These aggressive males defy norms and become rapists, sadists, torturers, murderers.
Some males use pornography (pictures, magazines, books, videos, movies, tapes, dvds, online access to dating sites and/or become voyeurs) to satisfy their sexual urges. Even if the male is in a relationship, if he is dating, married or otherwise "committed" to one woman, he will use some form of porn to get off, the bust a nut, get his rocks off and come real hard by viewing other women. It doesn't matter how beautiful his partner is. It doesn't matter how great she is in bed or what a wonderful and sweet person she is. He is lurking in the background somewhere jacking his meat off to other females.
Some guys jack off in private. In the bedroom, in the bed. Or in the bathroom. The garage. In the car or truck. Outside in the bushes somewhere. In public. Some are exhibitionists.
Women, I can't speak for others as to what they do. I only know what I do. I use my imagination and memory. I go by my instincts. Never know when the mood strikes. Take care of myself totally fine. No one else can please me better than myself.
Thursday, October 3, 2024
Junk Man
Wanders around getting supply for his all of his needs from many sources, mostly from people
Ignores, abuses wife girlfriend partner spouse
He invalidates minimizes woman frequently saying invalidating comments such as:
"It is no big deal" "I don't understand", "What do you expect/want from me?!", "I don't care what you want. This is what I want." "It's my way or the highway", "I don't have to put up with your shit", "What do you expect me to do, treat you like a queen?", "You have no common sense",
He talks in a condescending manner about most people and is the worst with his partner
Is not affectionate at home or in public
Will not hug kiss or embrace his woman in front of anyone else
He rarely if ever compliments his wife
He eyeballs and stares at other females when with his wife. Totally rude.
He has an obvious wandering eye wherever he goes. He cranks his head to see people when he is driving and in any store, place or environment he happens to be in
He flirts with the waitress either visually or orally talking saying words even in front of his spouse
He can become suspiciously quiet in the presence of others he is attracted to in an attempt to appear cool and nonchalant as if he is a true gentleman
He expects wife to be a workhorse slave then gives her no credit for her work, duties, help, intelligence, accomplishments, beauty, success, purpose, life
Resentful and reluctant to do anything for wife. He acts like its a chore. He is hateful and dreads having to do anything for his mate
Will bend over backwards for anyone else
Often lives with mommy and daddy as long as possible sometimes for his entire life
Has no urge to move out on his own when typical teenager desires to get a place of their own as soon as possible
Does not want children or any responsibility for them
He maximizes his importance regarding his duties, work, interests, hobbies, ideas, thoughts, needs, wants, desires
He blocks spouse from formal education unless she already obtained a diploma or college degree before he met her. If she already has a professional education he downgrades her accomplishments and intelligence, her abilities and dreams and aspirations
He takes credit for anything he deems positive in life and blames partner for anything that goes wrong
He prides himself on how smart and clever he thinks he is
He calls most people stupid, thieves, robbers, burglars
He says most people will take whatever they can get and do anything they think they can get by with. Anything, regardless of laws.
Laws don't apply to him
He is a showoff and hates people that brag
He likes to keep things a complicated mess
He imagines he is in control of all people and things around him
Cleanliness, order, accounting and efficiency upset and appall him
He glues his face into the tv, the media, his object of interest at the time and often states how amazing some people are when they do bizarre things that they began practicing since they were children
He cant understand how or why some people are wealthy for "doing nothing"
He is easily awestruck by performers in the entertainment industry
He is never in awe about his mate surviving all of his abuse
He is getting filthy dirty often. Some take a shower. Some don't.
His body odor doesnt bother him much. Other peoples odors usually do. He wont do anything about it unless people he is trying to impress someone and they complain about how much he stinks
He grabs and eats food that is not his. He will not wait for the entire meal to be served for him or anyone else. He freely takes over another persons refrigerator, cabinets, pantry, shelves, counters or the like. He acts like an unruly savage.
He will not consider the safety of others. He strews things about and does not care if someone else could trip fall hurt themselves. These types often hate night lights, motion sensors or adequate proper lighting that remains on.
He often lives in junk hoarding piles of accumulated stuff sometimes trash
Waits till the last minute to get rid of garbage
Uses things and people up until they are worn out exhausted dead
Seems to be unaware of how obnoxious he is
Proud of himself when he takes advantage of some stupid naive sucker fool.
He spits about wherever he happens to be. If he uses snuff snus chew chewing tobacco he spits it anywhere disregarding the fact that someone else might step in it.
He sneezes out loud without covering his face.
He belches loud, farts passes gas and makes other noises without so much as a glimpse of a polite apology
He refuses to open or unlock a door for people especially his wife
He often has a limited vocabulary. Some of them use cuss/curse words often.
He is a hypocrite. What is good for him is not good for his wife, family or other people
He refuses to get dressed up in nice clothes. He prefers to wear the same old things daily, usually blue jeans, the same type of shirts and shoes daily.
He expects his partner to look good only for him.
He expects to her to smile and be in a good mood regardless of the abuse, insulting comments, threats and negligence he tosses out to her daily if not hourly
Prefers fast food and portioned out items already cooked and prepared by someone else. Something easy to eat without having to think about it. Instant premade processed food is most desired . Shopping getting all ingredients cooking homemade food is too hard takes too much time and besides cooking and being a cook is considered a lowly worthless mundane job which he feels he is too good and superior to do.
He watches like a hawk what other people do, judging, rating, grading, criticizing, counting every bite of food they eat, how they look, how they are dressed, what they are doing, how they smell, how much money they cost him, how much of his precious time they wasted.
Stingy with time, attention, money and things
If I Had It To Do Over Again....
I would have been very selective about the company I keep. Friends. People I know and associate with.
Big clunky cumbersome stuff I DONT WANT and he does
electronic equipment. stereos, receivers, speakers, televisons
food . always looks for the biggest thinking it is best
cars trucks vehicles
tools
i am surprised he doesn't want and have a huge overweight obese woman as his spouse girlfriend wife mate partner
Wednesday, October 2, 2024
He gets into trouble when he....
Opens his mouth and talks
Assumes he knows something such as what I am thinking what I feel, what I need or should be or do
Thinks he knows what everyone else should say, think, feel, look like and do
Minimizes whatever I say
Says it's no bid deal
Thinks he knows what I am going to do, what I can and can't do, who I should be
Tells me not to talk to anyone
Tuesday, October 1, 2024
i think of Damon my grandson i miss and worry about him so much
every time I hear an owl
every time I see the moon up in the sky
every day when the sun is about to go down
every time I vacuum use the broom mop clean the floor dust clean the toilet and the bathroom do the dishes laundry see the washer and dryer
i see water and sewer lids in the street
see a laundry mat
see a gumball machine a robot arm toy picking machine a lottery ticket dispenser or machine
i see an airplane or helicopter
see the new blender still unopened in the box on my kitchen counter i an waiting for him to come over and open it be the first one to use it
go to any park especially all the ones we went to
swing and spin around
dance
go for a walk
see a baby or a child
see a straw a pipe a hose or stick
go grocery shopping Hy-Vee price chopper
go shopping at Dollar tree Walmart any thrift store cvs
restaurants especially Denny's McDonald's hardees wendys ihop red robin
drive my van I remember seeing him in the back seat on the passenger side he rode in hundreds of times over the years
go swimming at j Thomas lovell community center
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Doctor said I have no cataracts, no glaucoma and no macular degeneration which is good. He said my pupils were well dilated so he did not ha... -
am i really a failure? am i doing what i am able to do? OR am i unable to fit into other people's boxes, unable to keep up with dem...
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Any person I am talking to immediately diverts their attention to someone else or some animal or some other things in the area. They drop t...