Exactly opposite of me.
Tries to take control of each thing I think say or do.
He is the same way with all others.
Friday, May 30, 2025
If he doesn't fall in love with you at first sight he won't grow to love you.
He will chase the woman he wants.
If he is standing still, not moving towards you then he is not interested.
Perfection expectations of other people....
are if the person is what you think they should be. No one meets all of the criteria on my list.
I don't meet all of the criteria of perfection of myself, the perfect woman I would like to be, either.
Thursday, May 29, 2025
Things they have in common
likes erratic music like the group kansas and rush
hates rap music, soul, any dancing music with good drum beat rhythm
prejudiced
arrogant, belligerent, defiant
sugar addicts
egotistical
fixed rigid mindset inflexible stubborn
my hair appearance is extremely important
my eyes very important, the way they look
my ass is the main focal point
doesn't want me to talk to people and have friends
spends large amounts of money on self, on big stuff like house and cars and tools
porn obsession
stinking armpits
doesn't like to have anything to do with babies. only deals with children when they are old enough to talk
refuses to take part in childcare of infants
has rigid prudish rules about how i am supposed to look, act talk and be
hides money
into coins likes pennies nickels dimes quarters or silver certificate paper dollar money
eats lot of ice cream wont add fruit nuts or other toppings
eats lots of meat like beef pork
loves barbecue and bbq sauce
loves snicker bars and other candy bars
hates it when i move furniture or anything around
sits in the chair or on couch in my way when i try to clean house
doesnt read books much at all
looks at pictures in magazines like playboy etc
obsessed with watching tv shows certain ones that are favorites and movies
would rather watch a video than read anything
drives car or truck too fast. prefers fastest way usually the highway
walks away from plate of food while eating not thinking about how an animal could get it or the food gets cold and flies land on it
impulsively eats a piece of food just because he sees it
prioritizes money and material things over spitritual or religious things
extreme difficulty getting along with a woman in house like spouse wife girlfriend
avoids basic household cleaning and laundry
wants instant food and drinks
says i can't understand frequently when talking about people and why they do things
has one set of rules for himself another for me
has one set of rules for me and another for other women
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Diet, food, drink, calories
Began researching this food and drink stuff when I was a preteen. Prevention magazine was one of the mags I read that grandma subscribed to. All about health and food.
Water has zero calories. Some foods like fresh cucumbers and celery are mostly water with lots of fiber and vitamins and minerals. I love both of these and they are not typical or common foods most people that I have known eat or snack on.
I remember reading the calorie content of foods and drinks when I was a teenager and concluded it was too confusing and not eating, just starving myself was the best option.
Skipping breakfast began when I was in junior high school 8th grade or so at age 13. Worried about getting fat. However I would drink soda pop, juices which are loaded with sugar and when I craved chocolate would skip dinner and have a huge hesheys chocolate bar in place of real nutritious food.
Soda consumption continued on and became heavy when I was 19 and worked at a gas station where we sold it. My current husband was a heavy pepsi drinker (and still is).
Daily he drank at least 2 two liters a day. So every day I drank 6 or more 16 oz bottles of that stuff, switching around and trying all the flavors.
Pop has no vitamins, minerals or fiber. I did not know what it was doing to me but I felt half wired up then half dead every day. Finally when I was 23 in 1984 I began drinking black coffee in the morning so I could get up and go to school which started at noon and dropped the soda. Awake I was ...then someone showed me how to drink a whole pitcher of beer at a bar called The Roxy at 75th and Metcalf in Overland Park, Kansas. I really hated the taste and smell of beer but I learned to down it for the way it made me calm down, feel more relaxed and at ease around people. I was so very nervous and shy around people. Drinking and getting drunk made it so I could actually go up to someone and strike up a conversation, something that had previously been very difficult for me to do.
After all these years I have learned that white flour products, bread, rolls, buns, danishs, turnovers, pastries, crioissants, crackers, cakes, pie shells, noodles, macaroni, lasagna, gravy/gravies, any product made out of flour is not good for me. It is bad. It causes intestinal distress problems. Unpredictable bouts of constipation or diarrhea. Severe back pain and pain on my right side and pains in the left side of my back. One piece of bread is enough, white or wheat.
I don't buy candy often. Only cinnamon or peppermint discs and I rarely eat them. Two weeks ago i ate some laffy taffy banana flavor that the food pantry gave us and decided it is much better to just eat a banana. Why eat pure sugar with artificial flavors and colors that my tongue loves the taste of and tricks my brain into thinking I am eating fruit? Then suffer the consequences later of rotten teeth, upset stomach, more back pain and god knows what else.
I do buy dove dark chocolate and eat it when craving it. I have a lot of nuts with the chocolate.
Ice cream does not sit well with me, either. I'd rather have yogurt, real whipped cream, cream cheese with some fruit or nuts. I quit eating cool whip many years ago when I read the label and it is made of soybean oil. It tastes good but it actually more like rubber. Leave it in the freezer for a year and find out what happens to it. Sort of like what happens to the typical ice cream left in the freezer untouched unopened for months and it turns into condensed glue. Goo. And eating it makes it hard to poo poo.
I used to read tabers encyclopedia and the merck manual trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Hypoclycemia, low blood sugar, dizziness, fainting, low blood pressure. Pain in my right side (later found out it was ulcers, gastritis and duodenitis which is a lot better now). Sharp pains going down my legs into my calves and feet. Scoliosis back curvature now very severe. 50 years of arthritis.
I have had blood tests for many things. Sjogrens, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis; all negative. STD's all negative.
Back pain and intestinal problems is bad
and worsened due to eating at all hours of day and night
usually try to have bm when i wake up and be done with it for the day. tonight had to do this when i finally went out today to the community center. happened at 8 pm at night.
ate breakfast at almost 6 pm may 28, 2025 wednesday. last food before that was mixed nuts at 130 am. may 27 tuesday finally ate breakfast at 7 pm which was one thin round steak, brown rice and sauteed mushrooms, zucchini and sno peas. tipped the scale before that at 120 lbs.
Alas, he is only as smart as his family members. He says, thinks, believes and does as they did and do.
eats and drinks variety of things. lots of junk food, fast food and some healthy things like salads. eating habits are constant snacking all day long, drinking sweet tea, juices and been drinking flavored rum for who knows how long now. who got him started on that i do not know.
hard work and no fun
does not believe diet determines the size and weight of a person or their moods or anything else
obsessed with listening to news radio tv internet focuses on war destruction weather chaos exactly like his uncle norman
cars, trucks, mechanical, wood working, hoarding parts
porn collections mags and videos and probably old calendars; his brothers john jerry introduced him to this he maintains and still uses it
hidebound fixed unchanging irrational beliefs. refuses to acknowledge word definitons and truth
his mother religious jw jehovahs witness zealot; he is political zealot thinking he does not have to change and improve himself instead relying on some world leader and people who promote it. believes he will be happy when the world changes and I and others change to suit him and his ideals
fanatic about paying bills on time which is good, one of the most responsible things he does
pushes, used to push me to get job any old job to make money and pay bills yet he refuses to do any job not suited for him. he will only do what he is interested in
never supports me in my thoughts, ideas, concerns, activities, talents yet i support him in his endeavors
expects full compliance from me as if i am a slave and he is the master
calls almost everyone stupid, they dont know the truth and wont listen to him yet he listens selectively to a few people mainly those in conspiracy theory news and a few neighbors throughout the years.
he goes for walks at the one park cave springs then tells me why dont you do something useful around here like yardwork bending over lifting sticks mowing etc instead of taking a walk anywhere or in the neighborhood
used to say to me you are not going to see anyone else while we are together and married yet told me you still look okay maybe you can find someone else. go live with so and so you are just like them, said when my dad and mom were alive and when john was alive.
refuses to participate in fun activities with me. blocks the cat from playing with toys and balls i have for her. encourages places for the cat to sleep anywhere in the house or outside.
teenage young child behaviors immature. graffiti at parks. inability to empathize, cant understand differences in other peoples viewpoints, dress attire, speech, behaviors, smells, hobbies, .. throws fits temper tantrums upon seeing anything he disagrees with cant understand.
Alas, I am only as intelligent as my caregivers were.
Besides the dna I was born with ....my upbringing by my family is the most important thing of all. They were my role models, teaching me the many things they knew and learned in their lives.
My father and mother promoted, encouraged and displayed independent thinking. Entrepreneur and being your own boss. Working for yourself.
My mom's mother grandma Sarah wanted the best for all of her children, grandchildren and family. She was very much into healthy food, nutrition, exercise, working, keeping the house and yard and cars clean. Dressing nicely professionally. Using caution with the company you keep; choosing friends wisely. She said you will be lucky if you have one true friend in your entire life.
Grandma had ethics and was all about saying and doing the right things. Being honest. She said, "I call a spade a spade. I don't beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. "
Wednesday mornings he typically leaves. 1030 am just left May 28, 2025
might be a routine of his. visits same old place(s)
Tuesday, May 27, 2025
Not one person wants me
no one goes out of their way to do anything for me or to see me call me talk to me
the way i do things for other people , the many things i have done
Monday, May 26, 2025
Some have lots of money and no common sense brains. Some are poor with same affliction
Money won't fix stupidity or misery
No cure for chronic physical or mental diseases
death is the solution
remedies do not fix mental problems or heal physical damage or emotional pain
1040 am he left this morning. May 26, 2025 memorial day. Monday 230 pm still gone 304 pm back
last night he said he planned on going to sams club to get that tea he drinks. there are about 5 cases of tea on the shelf downstairs now. so i assume he will come back with some thing like a rotisserie chicken and a bottle of rum maybe a big french silk pie or other processed foods he loves to eat.
he went to menards out in raymore the other day to get catfood. why didnt he go to sams club the same day? i suspect he visits someone or more than one person out in the area when he plans these trips. i do not know for sure, cant prove a thing as i dont have a tracker or any device to hear what he is saying and doing when he takes off on these ventures.
He removes all things i like for fun play pleasure enjoyment
such as the trampoline, bicycle, balls, space i need to dance, listen to music i like, refuses to play any type of games with me like cards, board games, any play activities period.
no riding a motorcycle for me, no doing any type of fun stuff around him in any fashion
if he thinks i am having fun anywhere he will destroy it
examples: calling me when i was at 4th of july celebration with my son telling me that i parked somewhere and someone is going to hit my van at the place because it is too crowded. walking up to neighbors house on 95th terrace twice to make me come back home at his 4th of july party and his halloween get together then trying to grab my drink, a can of beer, out of my hand while we were walking back home. ANY get together anywhere he insists that i do not talk to anyone
we went to a beatles show downtown years ago. free tickets compliments of my sons friend. he drove and took chuck strand with us. music started playing and he said "don't dance"
faux strangulation of me the time i came home after taking a walk and had visited the neighbor on meadowlane name peter webber . pete had given me a few beers and him and i and the other neighbor sat outside and talked on the patio in the backyard
he cannot witness me smile laugh feel good have any fun or he becomes upset angry irritated mad threatening mean horrible attacking vicious . he has said many times what are you so happy about or why are you laughing??? and gets pissed off at me to destroy my good feelings
we eat out anywhere and he looks around at people thinking they are staring at him when no one is paying any attention to us. he complains about how much it costs. we shop and he takes off on his own, goes thru the checkout and to the car without my knowledge then calls texts me gets pissed off throws a fit and says i am ready to go and/or i already went out to the car i couldnt find you what the fuck were you doing hiding in the store or bathroom somewhere??? we go for a walk and he is 25 to 50 feet in front of me walking fast telling me i walk too slow and rarely walks beside me or holds my hand or any normal behavior that other loving couples show when out together. we went to the zoo and he takes off away from me does the same rude things and gets pissed off when i talk to anyone.
psycho paranoid schizophrenic misogynist hypocrite prejudiced against blacks mexicans middle eastern people anyone who appears different from him in attire speech activities choices in music. narcissist. lacks ability to self reflect. does not foresee consequences of words and actions. fanatic over politics. fiercely defends lindell trump alex jones. writes these websites and political messages at cave spring park in the secluded area with picnic tables and shelter and on the park benches.
i made friends with a nice black lady at evangel church during a fourth of july free get together a couple of years ago. she wanted to pick me up take me to lees summit festival thing and he laid in bed while saying i dont want you to hang around her you will end up being like her. she was a devout christian and had a masters degree in religion theology. totally independent not married for many years and a wonderful seamstress making her own beautiful clothes.
he interferes with any person he knows that i know and talk to taking over the person and not wanting me to talk to them in his presence. if i tell him i talked to anyone he gets upset. he tells me that i dominate all conversatons and that is exactly what he does. he tells me to be quiet and "listen to this" the bullshit reports he listens to and the music he likes most of which i cannot stand.
i must dress to cover myself up which means not showing breast area or too much leg or rearend yet he hoards sex tapes somewhere in this house that i found in his vcr viewing all ethnic backgrounds of people performing any type of act. i do not watch porn and it does nothing for me. he says it makes it faster and easier for him to do his thing. i saw a stack of porn mags on the floor a few months ago when he had been digging through his locked file cabinet in his bedroom looking for tax papers.
i do not know what all he has hidden in the locked file cabinet or in the many cardboard boxes and containers stashed in the garage and in the sheds, under the house in the crawl space or any other hiding places he has made to store stuff for himself.
he is obsessed with the weather 24 hours a day 7 days a week. he frequently comments on the "crazy weather we are having abnormal and due to man's doins of jets rockets etcetera causing global warming"
he sits at his laptop in his recliner chair playing chess often while listening to conspiracy news stories and clicking on ads on craigslist and buying things on ebay and god knows where else.
Split opposite words actions polarized behavior personality he has
I dont know what its called but he will sometimes say i love you verbally. will write it down on greeting vards and rarely act like he loves me. He will pay for car insurance complain about costs of everything and sometimes refuse other times take money i give him. cost of living upsets him yet he is tight cheap in some areas extravagant in others. he yelled thru s fit demanding i give him 300 last year for rent house taxes then he spent almost 200 dollars at ollies for a new vacuum he picked out without me and bought himself new boots around 200 at chucks boots. then says they are too tight small and too late to teturn them.
Full of contradictions oppositions displays opposing behaviors and says 2 different things often. confusing. confused. roller coaster unpredicatable and predictable fixed behavior. erratic exposive at times other times appears valm and rational normal haha.
Bouncing off the walls or dead as a horse.
Sits with arms across his chest often. Avoids looking at my face when talking.
Texting appears courteous concerned nice. In person rude ciurt mean hateful threatening .
Difficult for me to know what to expect.
Changes his demeanor in presence of others
I have no idea how he acts when I am not with him. It is scary to think about how he may be when he goes out by himself.
Sunday, May 25, 2025
Coffee
Grandma Sarah made instant coffee in the motel room we stayed in. I was 4 years old.
Dad drank coffee from early in the morning before breakfast all day long until dinnertime.
Saturday, May 24, 2025
Lazy
sitting around watching tv videos that dont help you learn beneficial things
leaving piles of things around like dirty dishes laundry clothes
not putting things away in designated places
failing to clean filters for clothes dryer furnace air purifier water filter
unkempt yard trash piled up
dirty trash garbage cans
filthy floors not swept or vacuumed
disgusting stinky bathroom
not changing sheets linens regularly
Raynauds, hypothyroidism, lupus possibilites
have symptoms trying to figure out what it is and what i can do
be your own doctor physician heal thyself
all the tests ran blood and they cant figure out what it is
low blood pressure
fatigue
get cold easily
brain fog
dizziness
constipation
diarrhea
weight loss
arthritis
menorraghia heavy menstrual periods
miscarriages probably happened often due to massive clots i had
fingernails indentations, thin, peel, pitted, crack off, brittle, dull
deficiency b12 b vitamins, folate, low iron anemia,
Change decor. The scenery in the house and outside... I want to do.
and he is resistant to doing this. just does not see the point. does not give a f***kkk about inside of the house appearance. he is more concerned with the yard outside and that does not even look that good with overgrown trees all over
Same old crap picture above the fireplace for about 20 years...
just like hoarder john with same old picture of a woman laying on her back playing the saxophone.
the pic poster he hung on the wall is the cover of the 6 albums of pink floyd showing the backsides of 6 naked women called back catalogue. he bought it from the next door neighbor chris many years ago
1015 am he takes off leaves Saturday May 24, 2025 morning
says going to menards cat food
i said when did you start thinking about doing that?
oh for a few days now. i realized we were about out of cat food
i am trying to see and detect patterns of behavior
Ulterior motives. Transactional thinking.
He believes people that work at food pantry at the church have ulterior motives for giving out food. He does not believe they are doing it for nothing. He asked me "Why do they do that? What are they getting out of working there every week giving away food?"
One day a few months ago we were in the car in line to get out food and I asked one of the people, a woman, why they do it and she said "It is the spirit of giving that motivates them. Kindness."
He does not believe it. He can't understand why anyone would donate their time and not get paid money for doing it.
He believes that a physical tangible thing must instantly result from any activity a person performs for someone else. They are all after something. They are after your money. People at work anywhere are only being nice because they get money out of doing their job.
He can't enjoy most things or activities. He says whatever you do costs you money.
I have asked him many times to name one thing that is free and he has no answer to the question.
He often says these things:
You can't get something for nothing.
Who are you trying to impress?
What are you getting, what do you get out of that? (talking)
I can't understand, I can't imagine, I don't understand, I don't get it. I don't know why.
Men are simple, he said
Jay, a 26 year old male, told me this recently. He is open, frank, honest, direct. He will not tolerate disrespect by anyone. He defends himself and his woman, a 20 year old beautiful female woman.
When the conversation is going nowhere, it has ended, he doesn't want to hear anymore.
The cycle goes like this after that man decided he heard enough
"Be quiet. End of discussion. I don't want to hear anymore. It is over with. Quit talking. You don't need to go on and on talking about it. I dont want to hear it. Shut up. Shut the fuck up! Then I strangle you at this point when you won't shut up." He gets physical in some way such as strangling, punching, hitting, pushing, shoving you.
You're wearing a negigle/sexy nightie? That only means one thing. Why you wearing it then if you (dont want to do it)?
Men are easily stimulated. Easily provoked.
Why are you talking about it if you don't want it?
Why do you keep talking when conversation about subject is over in my mind?
He says his girlfriend is stupid because she uses emotions, is emotional and not logical rational like he is. She does not realize these guys she is "friends" with are simply after her "cat" just waiting for the opportunity to get inside her.
He works full time. He needs a vehicle.
He said when he pays most of the bills in the place, the apartment rented he expects her to do things like make sure the place is clean and the dishes are done before she leaves for work. She works 5 pm until 1 am. He is not paying for all of her expenses. She is not going to use all her money to buy stuff she wants. She will pay her way, pay at least half the bills.
He said, "This body is shit. Don't mean nothing. Your real body is spirit. You will live again in another body so I don't care about this one. I want unlimited funds. I say 'funds' because that covers all income. Money will be a thing of the past. People are using bitcoin and different ways to pay for and buy stuff."
He watches videos about lawn maintenance mowing. Likes to do that type of physical work. Wants his own mowers, truck, business that he runs by himself.
Thursday, May 22, 2025
Life at home
i am the mole in whack a mole game
dodge ball dodging danger
tsunami
eggshell city
i am doormat under boots, target of anger. scapegoat. toilet.
Use extreme caution with these things around him
words. appearance. tone of voice. facial expression. hair style appearance.
hats worn. coats jackets sweaters , shoes. boots. clothes clothing styles .
makeup. any kind lipstick eye shadow liner mascara rouge.
food seen smelled eaten.
perfume cologne
scent of any kind. aroma smell.
subjects talked about politics news sex
sounds vacuum music appliances blenders mixers any manual or electric
Taking on the personality of others
might be a common thing...
i just realized he takes on the personality of the. last person he talked to.
neighbor mark p called tonight. his voice became louder the same way mark talks then he came in the house said whats cookin good lookin in a similar jovial tone as mark. its not an expression he uses. it is one like mark would say.
Dirty
most things he does and says are dirty. plain and simple.
dirty filthy work. dirtying up the house tracking shit all over the floors. making lots of dirty dishes then telling me "it's no big deal"
filthy work on cars, lawn mowers, weed eaters, chainsaws. leaving garage door open so fumes come into the house.
digging up dirt in the yard piling it up.
loading junk up against the house especially north and east sides causing more bugs
hoarding dirty filthy porn in various places around here and consuming it probably in the morninng most of the time. i dont really know for sure
saying dirty things. talking trash about every person anywhere at home in the neighborhood, family, friends, associates, strangers
talking to me like i am a piece of trash, calling me stupid worthless idiot saying stuff like "use your brain !!" and "what's WRONG with you !???"
treating me like shit while acting fake phony nice to anyone else
consuming his mind with conspiracy news garbage and saying mainstream media is garbage
obsessed with political things and pushing his beliefs and agenda on anyone he can and most people resist it and all the ideas that go with it
Wednesday, May 21, 2025
Tuesday, May 20, 2025
Vintage gold bracelet sarah engraved chip diamond heart age 14 1975
boyfriend at the time gave this bracelet to me.
we were booth 14 in 9th grade . yeokum junior high school belton missouri. he was dan maddux born in may.
when i was 16 years old my jewelry box was stolen. this bracelet along with a few other pieces of jewelry were in it.
i was living in apartment in basement of building my mother lived in. she was upstairs 336 brooklyn kansas city missouri.
thieves also stole my 45 7" records in a round plastic spindle holder with fuzzy guy top
my first experience with theft of things helping me learn that jewelry is not top priority in my life
the bracelet was the only piece that was worth a little money. the rest was cheap costume stuff
Monday, May 19, 2025
My friend died. I cry He has this to say....
he says "so much for him who believes the mainstream media. i should have bought more cds from him when he was alive"
i said i never got to go with harlow for walks and he never came over for dinner and i invited him. we could have visited and gone shopping. i cried. it hurts me to know that single old man i got along with and didnt really get close to. he always called me and him on our birthday wishing us happy ones.
we could have gone to whataburger he talked about.
harlow was friendly always laughing and smiling. radio broadcasting college graduate. music collector hoarder lover. retired from social security office disability claims worker. fun loving footloose fancyfree independent.
First thrift store age 16 . me 1978
had never been to one was not aware of until 1978 summer. i lived at 7309 wabash kcmo with dad and stepmother dorothy marie wilson.
also had never attended a garage sale. my grandma thought it was trashy. i went from everything brand new living with grandparents to all old used stuff
hand. me downs. preowned other peoples stuff
Dave Vajdic hoarder sales junk 1990s 92 93 94ish
raytown missouri 350 hwy old grocery store first met there
had me advertise his baseball cards on radio station
nkc vivion road. rented another huge old building sold misc items hoarded piles of stuff
Betty Zumalt 1991 92 93 94
Betty Zumalt and the garage sales
met betty early 1990s. coffee with her in the kitchen. ongoing garage sales. smoking cigarettes. gemini lady. talker. little tiny delicate looking woman nice. friendly merchant. very clean house.
her son Gary into cars hot rods was living in house with her his mom
he was unmarried. had a woman come into his bedroom sometimes while i visited betty
served purpose then left
Sunday, May 18, 2025
Those who die with stuff
the most or any stuff
hoard accumulate collect gather greedy
when they die death attracts greedy. while alive living breathing greedy ones sue file lawsuits lie cheat steal kill sabotage threaten harm accuse abuse.
even a person who only has their own body is at risk of losing it to the jealous envious spiteful wicked ones. it is simply not safe to be alive.
living is a dangerous thing to do
family friends fight tooth and nail over material things and money
become enemies due to jealousy and greed
those who are not greedy are identified by actions words personality caring without expecting returns , empathetic, cries easily , wants others happy, ethical, patient, last, relaxed , calm. considerate
Saturday, May 17, 2025
Things that wont happen withhim
clarity. clear accurate communication. ease. peace. understanding. joy ful happy gatherings. pleasant meals. fair arguments. resolutions. solutions. sense.
Gullible person /people he desires
ones that are ignorant of anything except what he knows. plastic wood bubble puppets dolls programmable trainable, jump when told to and only speak what he wants when spoken to. the dollish robot will instantly obey all commands..in fact, the best little automatons will anticipate all he wants and do it even before he asks. they know things in advance. they are psychic mediums. this is so efficient that words, talking and communication /communicating are not necessary.
perfect little zombie wife friend neighbor stranger sister brother employee at any store or place of business
a single factor cannot determine entire whole for all
what i mean is, (typically the human logic /illogic emotional reasoning says)
that since one person wakes up early in the morning and is a successful business man or woman that "everyone who gets up early is successful"
or "in order to be successful you have to be an early riser (4, 5, 6 am )"
other examples of ridiculous single factor thinking:
all men/males or women/females are bad simply due to their sex genetic code
all people born on the same day or under the same astrological sign during a given 4 week period are all the same
blondes have more fun
any of these single factor things are positive for all people/anyone and any of these single things will make people like you and you will be accepted, successful and famous anywhere you go :
wearing certain clothes, attire, shoes or colors
saying certain words
you can sing, dance, read out loud
you have a "perfect' body
you have a "high" iq
all people with the same name, eg: david, are the same way (this is the thinking of a very young child. it is childish)
Friday, May 16, 2025
uses massive amounts of energy arguing erroneous beliefs
he will not listen . has rut set convictions. immediately says i dont believe it . says that wont last how long before it wears out. expends massive energy name calling. jealous jealousy comments about other people.
Lazy. Laziness.
Forms of being lazy are many and varied. There are the physical and the mental kinds of laziness.
In his mind he believes physical activity especially work requiring hard manual labor and body strength shows that he is not lazy. He does lots of physical body labor often.
I am very limited on my ability to lift objects even things over 5 to 10 pounds. I used to lug heavy things around like buckets, ladders, tool boxes, heavy things like boxes full of stuff, televisions, stereo equipment, sheets of 4x8 sheetrock and plywood, vacuuming with that old 20 lb pound vacuum cleaner he finally got rid of a few months ago and replaced it with another fairly large vacuum cleaner, etc but it is more and more difficult for me to maneuver these items.
My body is unable to lug this heavy stuff around like I used to so I must used my mind, my ingenuity in order to get things done.
My mind is anything but lazy. Constantly on the go and working. Wanting to find the best and easiest way to get things needed like food and do things that need to be done. Organizing, straightening, cleaning. Wanting to know why and how and what to do, when to do it and who, if anyone, to do things for or with.
His mind looks for ways to get out of doing basic stuff like food prep, meal planning, laundry, proper house cleaning or any other streamlined way of doing anything.
So he looks for any kind of fast food ready to eat, not taking much effort. Eat the food, leave dirty plates usually in the sink and immediately jump out out of the chair either at the table or the recliner and go do something else after he puts food away that needs refrigerated.
It is an eat and run attitude action.
His laziness of mind includes putting forth no effort to get along, have a normal happy relationship with me, doing any fun activities that may or may not require planning. He makes no effort to think carefully about what he is saying before he speaks his mind about me or anyone else.
Interesting that the things he hates to most are:
laziness, sloppiness, someone saying or doing anything without considering him and doing it his way, lateness, sliding on paying bills on time, criticism of any word or action of his, any comment contradictings anything he says or does,
items that stink and are smelly to him such as certain foods like coffee popcorn perfumes smoke from fires burning outside in yards, people not 'wanting to " pay him, stinginess, greed of others, stupid stupidity of anyone, know it all egotistical bragging braggarts,
Basically he hates lazy, stupid, thoughtless people. Inconsiderate, rude, sloppy who don't pay attention to him and the details he thinks about.
The onion on my sandwich yesterday
made myself a ham sandwich with sliced red onion, cheese, lettuce and miracle whip on 2 pieces of large bread toast
cooked 2 small red potatoes in microwave, added chopped green peppers and shredded cheese
decided to cut sandwich in half and put on a plate for him at his spot at the kitchen table which faces due west
so he sits down decides to eat as i figured he would (he usually looks at what i am eating and will eat even if he recently fixed himself food or ate some snacks junk food or fruit)
then he bites into the sandwich complaining that the onion is sliced too thick and i need to slice it thinner. then grumbles at me that "it's just laziness!"
i said "there is alot more sliced onion thinner in the container on the counter i just cut up. you want to get some of that and i will eat the onion that is thicker. i like it like that"
"no", he hatefully says, "I'll eat it"
while eating the sandwich and some of the potatoes i made he is looking repeateadly at the clock hanging above the fireplace in the kitchen.
he does not look at me. and i think i am looking okay dressed in pink tie in my side ponytail and pink summer dress. i do know i am looking fine later as i went out shopping and several people were very nice to me.
his nasty attitude while eating almost every meal is the same ; he begins eating and finds something he does not like and focuses on it instead of enjoying the meal and having a pleasant normal conversation looking at each others faces like most normal people do
his words are that he thinks i ought to fix every piece of food the way he likes it even when i fix it for myself
he thinks all things ought to be his way
next entry i will write about laziness, lazy thinking and acts
Thursday, May 15, 2025
Sex the Big Secret: Do anything but have it..society views
and it is like a big secret out in the open
paradox we humans are taught is to be alluring, attractive, healthy which naturally attracts the opposite sex
then if it is found out you had sex with anyone or if accused of doing it you are scrutinized, criticized, humiliated, in some countries killed murdered stoned to death
Wednesday, May 14, 2025
yesterday found out another friend died
harlow jundy dec 6 1948 to may 10 2025 date od death discovered
Tuesday, May 13, 2025
sick since saturday night may 10 2025. chest cold coughing wheezing low grade fever
weak, tired, coughing, wheezing
i have been sleeping alot. couldn't even go out yesterday to shop or anything. i did manage to take a shower, get dressed then finally ate breakfast 5 pm.
this morning tuesday i get up after 1030 am and he has his truck loaded with chansaws etc and decides to go to the park, cave springs, to go get wood. i had no knowledge of his plan yesterday or any other time.
this is the way i live. with him and people randomly doing what they do, stopping by and calling unexpectedly, not planning anything, not doing things i like to do
felt so bad last night hard to breathe i told him i am tired of pain, physical and emotional and maybe i will die before i get to see the doctor in july on 22nd to discuss surgery
i said the anethesiologist monitors breathing blood pressure medications, all of it, during surgery. if the did it while i am sick i would most likely have died
Spur of the moment, unplanned, spontaneous people around me
i find out at the last minute what is going on or what happened.
Reflective: me Unthoughtful: them
antonym of this and this is the way the people are in my life
The antonyms for "reflective" include:
Unthoughtful
1
Nonreflective
2
Ignorant
2
Frivolous
1
Thoughtless
1
These words convey the opposite meaning of being reflective or contemplative.
Monday, May 12, 2025
should should not come out of a mouth
his you should come out and say hi
to him ricky your son he came over to see you
said may 11 2025
he opened my door told me this did at least 3 times bothering me. i was not ready to come out. not feeling good. began coughing wheezing hard late last night after i got home from tony and williams house. i almost puked up my dinner. dont feel good. slight fever. tired just leave me alone.
he wouldnt do it. pestering me until i came out of my room into filthy garage where they were sitting out there talking 3 hours it ended up being
playing that shit music i hate. new age opera sounding this time no words no one singing. i went out talked about 10 minutes sd i have to leave i cant stand that music and dirty garage i dont feel good
i said you call me if you want to talk to and see me you dont call him
same old shit . he doesnt listen i have told him and many others same thing many times. none hear or take heed. its as if i never said a thing . they all run over here whenever they want often unannounced. its really to see mike not me. it is all about mike even on mothers day. any day. none of those people give one shit about anything i say or about me.
in this morning another one kirk is coming over having mike run him to bonner springs kansas looking at some old 1988 junk car truck for kirk.
anyway i said
from now on i say should
you are always saying to me " you should do this, not do this, say this think this, watch this , listen to this ,dress like this look at listen to this. "
i would love to live by myself. dont answer the door. if i am not feeling good busy or asleep then i do not have to answer to any door or phone or anything.
therefore i have privacy.i can sleep or work or finish anything i started . zero interruptions. at no time do i respond with rudeness because i did not have to answer door to bull shit
making a girl mean masculinaztion
masculine making of a female.
it can be done. i have seen evidence. progression of time in days weaks months years .
observed in time the infant girl treated roughly horribly eventually becomes manly as a form of survival self defense.
her soul learned her femininity made her the prey . she the dainty tasty tidbit delicate fancy cute pretty beauty learned to mutate into hardness become cold mean stern curt closed off like men are so she wont get hurt anymore
she turned into either solid muscle bone even flat chested or huge fat heavy overweight bag ball of flab to fend off predators
her face once beautiful changed morphed into wicked stressed furrowed brow eyebrows showing meannes...no smile ..frowning dominates. she has to fight all the time. that is not her true nature.
she was picked at. prodded. poked. agitated. shoved, hit, pushed, punched kicked fisted stabbed, slung tossed around .
she wasnt born mean. she was formed into a hateful being by hateful beings. people that are mean jealous vindictive. stingy greedy miserly miserable selfish toadrats.
i have witnessed this transformation process in many females i have known personally and in celebrities i do not know
conniving clown scudballs
i dont trust anyone anymore
i am not leaving anything to anyone. no fighting for anything upon my death. what a stupid waste that is.
i am not planning for college savings for anyone as i used to believe i should. i am not planning retirement anything . i have nothing to leave nothing to lose.
people get what they got . go where they want. live as they choose.
not one person gave me what i got what i was born with... guts ... no one left me anything but memories. i have no expectations of getting anything from anyone. the word inheritance is a sham. a lie wrapped in more lies.
busting nuts testicles ovaries breaking your back racking your brain pushing shoving forcing hard to fill greed which is wanting and taking more than you need is a life of misery.
everything and piece of money you got is happily quickly sucked up by vultures snakes and rats all the while they smear and grind your name into the ground with their dirty boots
all your beauty talents efforts thoughtfulness giving to others is chewed up fast and spit or shit out
Divorce
a financial government thing. not necessary. dividing supposed "joint assets" including money is a farce. according to him practically everything is his. the lions share. he would demand it all throw me out in the street penniless anyway. fighting screaming threatening demanding possibly killing me over his house vehicles tools possessions.and the hidden money he has i dont know about.
different separate residences is necessary.
3rd time marriage. 33 years . 2nd time 10 years. 1st time 2 years. have i learned ?
when 2 or more live under same roof it is about control and lack of freedom. period.
i learned i dont need to live in same dwelling with anyone married or not. male or female. any age. not.
i have duplicates of most things enough stuff for another house and whatever i might need to get or toss is easily acquired or gotten rid of. it is easy for me to acquire material things.
Sunday, May 11, 2025
2 years ago 2023 mothers day
he asked if i wanted to go to grandma pattys for .others day
i said no then left driving on the way back to the house. his house his home. i felt empty inside . a voided balloon vacuumed out all life sucked out of me.
i said no to dinner get together at my ex mother in laws house because the invitation was not sincere. i was not invited wanted or welcome .
i stopped walmart 350 hwy raytown. saw beautiful bouquets of flowers for sale inside store produce area. i took pictures of roses. a woman was watching me take pictures. i said i am doing it because i know i wont get any flowers for mothers day.
and i didnt. not that day. not in 2024. not may 11 2025.
in fact i dont remember ever getting flowers for mothers day. or getting anything except a weak comment statement not meant at all ... "happy mothers day" coupled with nothing. no activity no time together no dinner no plans . zilch
mom you made poor choices in men
you picked losers. you were never happy. you could have had any man you wanted and you chose losers. why?
differences me and famous successful
talent denied unnoticed restricted. upbringing. social contacts and social class.
opportunities. neighborhood. associations. who i know
drive. ambition. following intuition.
perve grades
varying grades of monsters.
max examples ted bundy btk in public polite professional clean well groomed the dr jekyll. privately murderers control freaks mr hyde
some are clean hygienetically some are dirty about their body and surroundings
minimum are sight seeing voyeurs binoculars movies htapes live shows dvds strip clubs
exhibitionists, prank or direct phone callers fetish
some are married committed relationship some are single
more people i have known the more i learn varying degrees of perversion abuse
Janeys husband
olathe kansas. 1984 1985 1986
he was a dentist. white collar professional. very clean meticulous. he demanded janie to dress up in lingerie and perform acts he viewed in porn material. she didnt like it or understand why
The Man Alone
lots of men I know who are alone. some used to be married or have a girlfriend
live in a messy house and have messed up junky looking yard
sit in piles of clutter as if it does not bother them
have male friends who are the same way in varying degrees
disrespectful to women especially by treating them like a piece of furniture, a toy wood or plastic brainless doll, a sex object, a slave there to do their bidding
unkempt stinking body and clothes
clutter up the table area in kitchen or dining room they eat food on and/or sit in a recliner or other chair and/or walk around stuffing food in their mouth dropping crumbs all over the place and floor
spit anywhere they want to
place objects in walkways throughout the house
block hallways with junk piles and boxes
place things in the yard and patio that are easily tripped over and ran into
do not keep floors clean
do not wash bedding sheets blankets linens regularly
get used clothing anywhere like thrift stores garage sales and don't wash it before wearing it
tell their girl friend wife to shut the fuck up and call her bad names like stupid idiot bitch whore slut worthless
do not open doors for their significant other
are rude obnoxious loud bragging hateful mean and act nice to strangers, neighbors and people they are not close to
are spontaneous and do not want to plan things
expect me and people to be there at the drop of the hat when the mood strikes them
use up resources like butter containers and leave the lid off
stick their dirty fingers into things spreading germs and disease and think it is no big deal
drop in unexpectedly and expect me to be happy
A Man Who Respects his mother and wife is a good man, grandma Sarah said to me often
she would give the example of Elvis Presley, one who dearly loved his mom
HE IS ADMIRED APPRECIATED SOUGHT AFTER EVERYDAY
I AM SHUNNED AVOIDED IGNORED PUT DOWN LEFT OUT
HE IS GIVEN CREDIT FOR ALL THE WORK HE DOES AND EACH THING GOOD THAT IS EVEN THINGS THAT WERE MY IDEAS, WORK AND EFFORTS
PEOPLE CALL HIM FOR ALL THINGS
THEY USE THE GUISE OF STOPPING BY TO SEE ME AND CALL HIM NOT ME
PROFESSIONALS ARE BEST AT ALL THINGS
NEVER LISTEN TO THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT
Who is responsible for anything? Blame we seek
we want to know reasons
seeking a who to attribute blame is often easier than a
what why when or considering all possible factors leading to s result
Saturday, May 10, 2025
Dumb ass donkey he admits yesterday that he is ...
and he calls most people the same: dumb ass, stupid, idiot
Friday, May 9, 2025
things he says and does indicating stupidity ignorance
unclear vague statements not including all nouns or verbs
asks rhetorical questions about things don't need to be asked
critical of my dress cooking work rude insulting mean impatient drives too fast wont open my door then cant figure out why i stay away and dont want intimacy or to go anywhere with him
armpits body stinks
wont dress up and go anywhere nice. wears same old baggy jeans and shirts and clothes then criticizes whatever i am wearing and says i dont need to wear anything sexy cute or showing my curves
suggests jobs not suitable for me
maintains clutter stuff not needed or useful and can't understand streamlining
refuses to have things easier to do, maintains confusion
believes more stuff and money is the way to be
refuses to believe diet of food and drink is imperative for good health
used to expect me to do mens work
Speaks vague terms, unclear sentences expecting me to interpret what he is saying
then acts like I am an idiot for not knowing what he is saying
Thursday, May 8, 2025
Tuesday, May 6, 2025
I used to be
and wanna be me. the way i used to be.
turning heads. sought after by men. detested by women. feared by females scared of competition at work and aftaid of losing their man who is staring at me wanting my booty
cracks his nuts
cranes his neck
make things hard complicated to seek difficulty hard work
busts balls cute girl in sight
Dance dancing my family members...
Grandma grandmother Sarah, my mom's mother Sarah Elizabeth Spainhour Mitchell (December 22, 1916 to Dec. 2, 2008)
Ruth my mom (May 14, 1939 to December 14, 2003)
Aunt Ruth, Sarah's sister (Janary 13, 1922 to November 9, 1999)
Aunt Jeanne Schraps, Sarah's sister (August 1, 1920 to July 25, 1993)
Great grandma Florence Mae Arnold Spainhour, my grandma Sarah's mom
Me. I love to dance.
grandma sarah met my step grandpa leroy farrell mitchell at a bar down by 18th & vine
back in 1951 or so. she dances like crazy. he has no rhythm. she always told me she like to have fun. over the 57 years being with him until december 2, 2008 when she died she became less fun and more stern miserable hateful due to the way he was.
grandma looked really good, staying slim and trim due to diet and exercise. 5'5" and 108 pounds age 91.
one of the last things she said to me was she was going to live to be 112.
jeanne was married to paul kurt schraps https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/229189882/paul-kurt-schraps#add-to-vc
jeanne lucille spainhour schraps https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/229189972/jeanne_lucille-schraps
Monday, May 5, 2025
ALONE by myself or alone with someone else
which is better?
To be alone by yourself or with somebody else.
Sunday, May 4, 2025
I'm Not Gonna Laugh (song I wrote January 11, 2025
I'm not gonna laugh
I'm not gonna cry
I'm not gonna say goodbye
I will disappear into thin air
You won't see me or hear me
Anymore in any year
I'll be long gone. A distant memory
Only in your dreams
Maybe you'll remember what you did to me
I'm not gonna laugh
I'm not gonna cry
Not gonna say goodbye
I erase you from my mind
like you were never there
Now that I know your kind
No Hope (song I wrote january 11, 2025
There's no hope for you
You'll never change
I should've known from the start
You'd break my heart
Well my heart is strong
I'll bounce back and love again
No hope for you. You'll never change
Find your next victim
And slaughter again
When you break her heart
like you did mine
She'll do you in
It will be the last time
No hope for you. You'll never change
Your soul is empty
Saturday, May 3, 2025
Why don't you do something worthwhile? he says often
Today he said that when getting ready to mow the lawn. Why don't you do something worthwhile like help me mow the lawn, move rocks around in the yard.
I said "What I am hearing is you think the only things worthwhile are the things you do. The things I do are not important and don't matter. I could say 'why don't you help me do all the the shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, organizing, floors, vacuuming..' but I don't ask you to do all those things."
He said "Moving things around like you do is not accomplishing anything"
I said, "When you have to move a bunch of things around to accomplish a simple task it makes it harder and takes too long. That is why I want all these junk piles you made gone and you won't do it. Just look at all this stuff you have crammed in the shed as an example."
"That is what sheds are for," he replied. Then he started the riding mower and began mowing the yard.
Friday, May 2, 2025
Associations dominate your life
Family is first. Choiceless about that. Family trains the child children kids. Permanent memories.
I would rather be alone than live with a fool, idiot, stupid, criminal, crazy insane person
Have known and lived with many people and finally realized these people DO NOT CHANGE. They don't listen to facts. They maintain false erroneous beliefs about things and life
He thinks back pain lower is kidney pain and is having kidney failure
he did the same thing back in september 2018 after colliding a vehicle into the inside of the garage at this house. this caused back injuries due to the severe head on collision into the wooden cabinet in the garage. took him to emergency room he fought with doctors nurses telling them it was his kidneys not his back. they ran full tests discovered it was not his kidneys
he believes this because he had kidney stones when he was a teenager
he consumes massive amounts of junk food high in salt sodium and sugary sweet drinks and snacks and all of the items toxins toxic poisons i listed here recently.
he will not eliminate toxic substances from his diet, continues to have problems and continues to not see a doctor
Tough rough guys beat you up. They do not protect female girlfriend wife
this has been my personal experience and observation of many people
Poisons he ingests unknowingly
Sugar, salt, sauces, pain ointment creams, naproxen sodium, rum, whiskey, rumchata, red wine, beer,
ultraprocessed food, fast food,
gasoline, petroleum products, automotive chemicals, brake dust, fireplace ashes,
artificial flavors and colors, candy, snacks, doritos, potato chips, any spiced up snack items or sticks,
cookies, donuts, pastries, toothpaste, mouthwash, gatorade liquid and powder, premade drinks: sugary sweet high fructose corn syrup tea, canned fruit juices; pineapple, apple, cranberry,
canned soda dr pepper squirt, pizza, taco bell food and sauces, extra salt on the ketchup, fast food burgers chicken nuggets french fries, churchs chicken food and sauces,
presweetened cereals a variety of them including honey nut cheerios granola mixes raisin bran or any he finds at the store. honey roasted peanuts individual serving size bags. buys lots of things food drinks that are premade single serving sizes
he has to put his fingers on and into everything like when he is working on a car, chainsaw, weed eater, any item at all. he rubs the substance chemicals with his fingers. he uses hand cleaner like goop or orange cleaner which should be immediately washed off with soap and water.
sometimes spills gasoline or automotive fluids on the garage floor. he says the smell of gasoline and lawn mowers and equipment doesn't bother him that much yet can't stand the smell of foods like popcorn, fish, anything fried in the house except bacon, he loves the smell of jello in the making
uses lacquer thinner on his skin for bug bites or poison ivy.
reuses dirty black blackened filthy rags for cleaning off various things. he put lemon furniture polish onto the kitchen counter not long ago because he said the counter stunk when in fact it was the rotten food inside the garbage can stinking so I had to rewash all the counters with soap and water and dry it thoroughly and i took the trash can outside and cleaned it good with soap and water. he puts these dirty rags in his shower and uses them over and over again.
garden poisons. fertilizer scotts. 7 seven dust.roundup.
from the very beginning since I met him in 1987 he has a penchant for snack cakes, sweets, sweet drinks. i used to go to the bread discount store because they were cheaper and get him raspberry zingers and a wide variety of snacks because i spent my money on real food at the grocery store making sure we had good food to eat first then i would waste my money on junk food for him; cookies cakes pies doughnuts chips
forgets to rinse off foods and fruit apples oranges lemons before eating them
Thursday, May 1, 2025
I appreciate wonderful things about anyone and anything
and find a compliment for any person wherever I go
Did you or I make conjure cause things?
do I plan, draw into myself like a magnet all things or is it all out of anyones control?
what is cause and effect?
Todays and yesterdays ventures were strange as usual.
Weird and offbeat seems to be the norm in my life.
As much as I try to be peaceful and average the stranger it gets.
I do not know where sanity exists.
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Doctor said I have no cataracts, no glaucoma and no macular degeneration which is good. He said my pupils were well dilated so he did not ha... -
Any person I am talking to immediately diverts their attention to someone else or some animal or some other things in the area. They drop t...
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This is my house. I'll do as I darn please. A ceramic plaque quote on a plate that I have had for over 30 years. Explains me.