Sunday, December 21, 2025
Saturday, December 20, 2025
Friday, December 19, 2025
December 18 in my van
He is driving us to 1 pm appointment to see about medicare.
tells me to not say we have talked to other people about insurance
says does stupid run in your family?
you're a fucking idiot just like ricky your son
I am not happy only watching others be happy enjoying themselves
I must do things that make me happy and give me pleasure
Often another woman is
the other woman
not the wife or live in
she is the other
she gets the best. sees his good side. jekyll is her man. she gets respect, gifts. fun activities. he buys her anything she wants. his white good face is the only face she sees.
unless it is a serial killer who does the opposite often showing jekyll to his wife. family and neighbors.
Haven't read a story or seen a movie like my life
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
I should do all the things he doesn't want me to do. Be myself
wear clothes that show my shape legs butt boobs
dance
converse with anyone anywhere
take college courses
smile as much as possible
have fun. laugh
bowling billiards pool motorcycle riding bicycle bike
Tuesday, December 16, 2025
I look haggard old because I am worn out exhausted
from living with dealing with crazy immature selfish childish schizophrenic people
Him
consistently misinterprets what i say
frequently says does things i specifically told him I don't like
misplaces things accuses me of moving taking or throwing giving away
repeats himself like a parrot Minaj bird
buys things i mentioned i am going to shop for by himself my presence input not included
calls me a know it all and that what he is
constantly uses the word "should" telling me what to do
confused angry anxious upset most of the time
makes phone calls in his garage bedroom outside planning things sometimes informs me at last minute he is leaving or someone is coming over sometimes does not tell me then claims he did
shopping together incidents are crazy bad
walking together is him almost running 20 feet or more ahead of me then he stops and turns around to see if i am still there
feeds stray cats and says i am sick if cats. uses our dishes does not use enough soap disinfect plates bowls we eat off of
pounds in repeats any flaws mistakes i made or make ..goes on and on for lengthy periods of time about any perceived defect i have physically personality speech actions what i am wearing
remains faultless
rarely apologizes says i am sorry for his bad behavior then promptly repeats the same abusive words and actions then acts like he did nothing bad
accuses me of being exactly like him: nasty, mean, hateful
he looks around the room to see how old people look compared to him
constantly comparing himself to others by looks of his physical body and ownership of material things and abilities
snackaholic
easily influenced to buy whatever he sees
worldy. does more for any other person except me
money focused. will do it for pay
shakes. hands are shaky i dont know why but i will find out. could be massive sugar intake along with caffeine
Go to sleep never wake up
one day i will be dead like every other thing that used to be alive
i quit. i dont matter.
all i have are my own memories. no future
current life and for many years a black sheep
a surrogate replacement fill in last choice
shunned black balled ignored scapegoat
unpopular unwanted not picked chosen
caterer never catered to
giver they take my time anything they think i have . never get ahead . shoved back and down
plain common ordinary ugly nothing special
look at daily life. ignored. not looked at. no friends.
he expects submission sex and money. hates to see me smile .is angry the majority of the time and goes out of his way to make me angry miserable or emotionless devoid of joy and happiness while he smiles at xmas cards from right wing republican political families he donates money to but does not know any of these people.
he refuses to do anything fun with me
the episode cheap ...the cheapskate twilight zone man resembles him
i cant give him what he wants. i dont have it i dont know who has it
i would rather go to sleep and not wake up
Just like my mother in ways my dad said
Sunday, December 14, 2025
Saturday, December 13, 2025
When he is confused about something ..
he yells at me...why do you have to make things confusing
regarding things like govt forms we have to fill out
He senses things wrong
sees things not there
smells things misinterprets them
uses wrong words more and more
touches things with fingers he shouldnt
Outfits makeup hair hats movements confuse him
a woman came over here dressed in a mans flannel shirt. she was referred by neighbor alex earlier this year to have him fix a mower. since she was dressed like that he said i thought she was a man
if i wear any clothing looks like lingerie or panties bra or if i am naked he asks me if i am in the mood which i am not
he says i look like hollywood when i wear long fitted dress with long sleeves
if i change my hair color go blonde he goes ballistic
i removed my coat when we got separated on the store he said he couldnt find me yelled at me because he was looking for that color i was wearing and i wasnt wearing it
before and after makeup pictures of women are unbelievable to him
a stocking cap i wear in winter is acceptable to him. a beret is not. the hat has to cover my ears. pulling a hood over my head is not acceptable. wearing those scarves draped around my head is not allowed..he says it looks like those people in the other country.....
i must cover my ass completely and my chest so no breast shows. i must cover my arms...they are too skinny and my muscle tone is bad.
i must not squat in public. must not dance.
must not talk to anyone or look at anyone
He needs to work on himself
a thing he cant do because he is unaware he is the problem
no one can fix him
i quit
The WIFE versus the GIRLFRIEND side piece
wife dresses conservatively, covered up. she wears minimal makeup, jewelry and has no tatooos.
you take her out in public. you are proud of her. she is presentalbe. modest, discreet. the picture perfect housewife type.
she is quiet, doesn't talk much to others other than saying "hello, how are you?"
girlfriend is opposite.
Friday, December 12, 2025
Thursday, December 11, 2025
He throws a fit
over most things i do
disagrees counters what i say
doesn't want to do things i ask. want, need to be done
doesnt want to do anything for me
tells people i am the troublemaker the one who causes problems
does nothing fun with me
does nothing to make me smile or to be happy
complains heavily about anything he has to do regarding me
tells me to shut the flkkk up dont move things around dont move his things or household things around
breaks his back and balls running to help other people friends neighbors his family sisters brothers when they were alive strangers. others are top priority
discredits my knowledge importance value appearance health
PRIMAL INSTINCTS DOMINATE THE ANIMAL/PLANT
the urge to mate takes precedence over all things when it hits
Wednesday, December 10, 2025
Alex J public figure
my opinion
he is repulsive arrogant gruff loud mouth loser with the ladies and all the way around
greedy pseudointelligent rotund talker taker fake
As far as I am concerned
He them her she whoever can go blank themselves
I will dress the way I want
Do what I love
disregarding any bs words said by anyone
only mean selfish jealous insecure possessive people would be rude insulting to me
I am fully confident in myself from now on
Only bullies try to hurt and try to keep me down try to make me feel inadequate and worthless the way they feel about themselves
Wear clothes that show my shape
baggy clothes i started wearing when i started taking walks in the neighborhood many years ago 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013
due to him commenting saying stuff about what i wear causing men to look stare stop bother me try to grab me throw me in car or van kidnap me rape maybe murder me
so i began wearing long baggy shorts baggy t shirts and the like
whenever i wear nice well fitting clothes it attracts attention from any person man woman or child
men slam on their brakes stop turn around yry to give me a ride ask me questions
even women comment like woman at walmart saying you have nice legs i was wearing shorts. young woman at target and many other women complimented me when i wear jumpsuit fits me well. he was with me several times it happened. he acts cold indifferent to nice things people say about how shapeky i look
at sams club i wore black t shirt dress above knee man in line eyed me up and down then said i will shop thru store with you tried to make date with me
wearing short black shorts i was at goodwill independence shopping with my grandson man grabbed my hand and arm walked me to store where dressing rooms are wanted to have sex with me in store
wearing jean shorts white fitted top at park indep man saw me drove up trying to get me
wearing jean shorts walking in my neighborhood several times men followed me approached stopped offered ride
keeps happening still even tho i am 64 my body is 27
teenage boys have approached me at pool community center gym . latest one is 18 yr old named ernie he is blonde tall good looking nice
even tho my back is curved twisted i have a nice skinny little body shape
chinese lady shawn hallis at pool says i look like i am 19 with my figure flat little tummy stomach
still have nice round ass butt and shapely legs and am flexibles doing squats stretches and the splits
little top tits breasts. always been small 34 b
have to wear padded bra due to pokies hard nipples
he comments says tits poking out any time i dont wear bra so i have to wear top underwear cover or else everyone can see my boobshape
now i know this i will wear clothes showing my body and use fanny waist pack when i need a purse
120 pm he impulsively takes off heading south
wednesdays are common pattern for him taking off often
then the drive thru pantry is wed at 4 pm
Sun is the answer
I meed to ly in the sun nude daily. everyday. I need hear over 70 degrees
75 and abovre is best
Tuesday, December 9, 2025
I have been called.....
I have been called intense, cosmopolitan, sophisticated, intelligent, smart, brainy, emphatic, fun loving, party goer partier, classy, charismatic having charisma, having personality, diligent, cultured, passionate,wise, caring, sensitive
moody, too sensitive. complaining. graphic
it depends on the person as to how they perceive me.
often they see me how they see themselves or their general view of how they view everybody
Nothing can make theses people change and clean up
harlow jundy, john layson. ed mertz. dave vajdic, marielle. rick wilson. chris rixner, perry montgomery. gilbert john wilson jr,
they like things the way they are. a dirty mess.
no amount of talking explaining, reasoning. logic yelling screaming punishment. fines, whippings. spankings, beatings. abandonment , isolation. laws enforced by government made them change their ways
they remain the same
Monday, December 8, 2025
Male needs to respect female and vice versa
growing up. upbringing. respect the mpther sisters father and brothers first.
then he she will respect partner spouse mate
Sunday, December 7, 2025
My callings
caregiver. analyst. psychologist.
cleaner. remodeler. organizer. loner.
investigator. geneology.
pattern finder seeker.
artist. writer. dreamer. psychic.
nutrition dietitician.health sciences.
lover
discoverer.
philosopher.
Argues counters most everything I say and do
includes
cleaning advice and methods
food and drink choices and proper ways to eat
feeding stray feral cats
organization of all things in the house
eliminating clutter
polite manners . open the car door for me, do not sneeze out into room uncovered, do not blow nose at table. use caution consuming media, radio. tv, mail. internet movies vhs dvd. music. podcasts
using eloquence in speech. use euphemisms to say express things about people instead of direct raw insulting nasty comments
monitor your thoughts first.
quit cutting me off in mid sentence and not listen to what i say
bargains are to be found even at expensive stores and restaurants. cheap fast food and bargain discount stores are not always the best deal monetarily or healthwise
what i want and expect and what happens are often 2 different things
Typical. What I wish, what I think will happen usually doesn't. Other people do what they want to do and follow their habits and routines.
The only person that does what I want is me. Myself and I.
Saturday, December 6, 2025
Friday, December 5, 2025
Deception. We learn when young and all do this
Survival tactics of deception:
Learn to hide things, not reveal feelings or information, make up untrue stories.
Divert someone's attention to something else when they are talking or doing something.
Cover up
Do things in secret
Fear of reprimand, punishment, being caught, stopped, hurt, abandoned, killed, injured, deprived, starved, pain
Desire to be autonomous and do and get what you want without anyone in your way
Thursday, December 4, 2025
Why does he do these things?
Why does he do these things?
mismatched bedding linens blankets sheets towels. says does not bother him i say looks like a hobo trashy person
little bottles of shampoo conditioner cleaners very old packages in the shower in his bathroom and keeps for years
hangs onto old expired pills vitamins medicines ointments creams food paint cleaners solvents parts for cars any devices
dirty old black rags in the shower he uses for everything
various little rugs and large rolled up filthy area rugs rolled up in the stairwell
100s 1000s of things filling up the garage many in cardboard boxes so only he knows what is in them
electronics stereos amps speakers stacked up on racks in the garage stuff he doesnt use
wears hoodies pullover tops with stuff written on them which can be controversial when wearing in public; stuff like marines, infowars, donald trump, alcatraz
bumper stickers on his car and truck political messages, very controversial someone might see them and shoot him because of it
yard signs with political messages
small containers of crap in the refrigerator. bits of liquids food drinks sauces food that get shoved in the back and do nothing but take up space making it diffficult to maneuver and get food out of the fridge
packing up the main hallways with crap old junk newspapers vhs tapes etcetera
trinkets of junk in his bedroom. things he found got inherited saved from miscellaneous various places like people's house, the park he visits to take walks
makes sure i leave none of my stuff in his room, the living room, the garage, any room but my own or his car...why? he doesnt want anyone else to see any of my stuff in his vehicle or rooms in the house?
gets phone calls and texts from people in private. gets on the phone talking to people outside or in his room or in the garage without me knowing it. the neighbors, my own two sons call and text him often which i sometimes find out later
uses earbuds headphones sits in recliner on laptop for hours watching x22 report alex jones conspiracy theory news, checks weather constantly, scrolls thru his cellphone looking at what i dont know
watches every move i make when i am at home or when we are out together monitoring who i talk to anywhere i am
doesn't want me talking to people in his presence, dominates conversation with anyone around. this is everyone, friends neighbors, family members, my one friend who lives in vancouver washington that i only talk to rarely on the phone
anytime i meet a new person before i introduce him to them he accuses me of having something to do with them
sighs in disgust often. disgusted at many things. list is endless
monitors everything i do
Wednesday, December 3, 2025
Tuesday, December 2, 2025
Anyone living with jekyll and hyde..
must have company, a third party around for safety.
when isolated with mr public jekyll he/ she turns into mr/mrs hyde in a split second
as soon as another person enters the scene hyde turns on the jekyll instantly
as soon as the phone rings hyde snaps out of it and turns on the charm
in isolation i have the misfortune of being around hyde all the time
so i hide in my bedroom and bathroom
or leave when i get the chance
the world out there is completely different
Damaged animals
Should death be forced upon, encouraged, aided for the animal damaged beyond repair?
When the being is so screwed up mentally or physically should it go on living and breathing?
Should it be forced to live in a state where it cannot care for itself much less anyone else?
Why are we so against death mercy killing suicide murder?
I wanted to live fully and wholly with a functioning body. I did not want to be a crippled retarded freak that cant defend itself or support itself.
What determines what individual is attracted to?
I have been drawn to thousands of things since birth
From a to z. If there was no alphabet or language the things would be everything. All without names. Just impressions.
Cycles, eras of intrigue. Patterns of interest.
I used to hide candy in dresser as a child
in my bedroom dresser drawer i would hide candy so grandma wouldnt see it. my diary i started when i was 10 or so was in there too and i was always careful about what i wrote as i thought she would read it and she probably did read it and she probably found my candy too. i know she read my mail the letters i got from people ..she took some and destroyed or hid them. letters from my mom. my girlfriends. a guy i met the night i ran off when i was 15 because i wanted to die from living in that house
i was waiting until i got out of that house before i wrote the truth about her ...the way she was .... a real jekyll and hide female woman
now i hide lots of things in my dressers bedroom and bathroom drawers shelves closet
including lots of food not much candy just dark chocolate and peppermints. i have canned goods cereal nuts popcorn beef sticks coffee tea honey hot chocolate mix in my closet my drawers the shelves inside bathroom
important papers birth certificates licenses social security journals
any possible thing lying around in plain sight is not safe there or here. in fact its not good to leave things out at anyones house or in my vehicle. dont leave stuff lying around in the kitchen living room bedroom outside or anywhere else
tidy is the word
When did he start acting so belligerent hateful rude to me?
november 13, 2003 . first time he shoved me knocked me down. he came home looked at drapes in my bedroom got mad said i tear everything up then shoved me knocked me down on my ass onto the floor. i got up looked him in the eye and i did nothing to defend myself. same thing i always do. he had come home that sunday evening after going to a wake.funeral from the next door neighbor tim nolan who had died. i had just came home from working at super flea and was sitting at my computer working on stuff.
before that probably in late 90s one time i was sitting on his bed in his room he got back and faux strangled me
another time in late 90s or so he got mad over something trivial i went to my room shut the door not long afterwards he raced down the stairs and kicked my door in breaking wood in the frame by the doorknob where it locks
he always used the threats that i go live somewhere else like at my dads, moms, sons, john laysons house, my ex husbands when he gets irate. i cant pinpoint the exact events he was mad about at these times he threatened that i go live somewhere else.
whenever i have been over at someones house he seems to think is too long he comments what are you going to do move in with so and so?
he cant stand it if i visit at a neighbors house even my friend wendy or debra/debbie. after an hour or so he jumps the fence go to their front door comes in to see what i am doing which is nothing but visiting and talking like i do with hundreds of people
My friend said I was cultured not calculating
he said i am intelligent full of good information and not a cold calculating type of person
what a wonderful compliment!
things i never hear from the spouse husband
They focus on these things
breath smell. white teeth. skinny girls. money.
criticizing people and partner to death
avoiding deep cleaning of own stuff
public image. body. clothes. hair. their teeth.
imperfections on the face: pimples, scars. spots, black marks, zits, off center lips, big nose, hairs on face or out of nose
my voice and word choice, tendency to mock imitate me
entertainment media tv internet cell phone radio magazines books
clothes i am wearing. how much skin i show
lips. lipstick. eyes. makeup. mascara eye shadow. hair color length is it combed kept up.
INVENTIONS IDEAS OF MINE
INVENTIONS IDEAS OF MINE
bottle bag in summer 1991
mop slippers
handle stay grip, stay put for brooms, rakes, vacuum handles so you can put it up against wall without it falling over onto the floor
attach to any handle
hair clip, hand shaped for good grip. makes hair high up. looks good
Monday, December 1, 2025
Why people call
1. some call to talk.
2. some only call when they want something from you like work or material things or physical body rub
3. some will call for both reasons
#2 types only give me full atttention during the work or "rub" process. they do not like to carry on conversations on the phone or in person unless the entire conversation is about them. once they complete the job or subject they are done. they get to point.cut me off when i am talking, interrupt snd change subject often figuratively throw me out of bed when finished with me. they dislike exploring many subjects and having discussions
#1 and 2 types are rare
in my life i primarily experience type 2s
they are in a rush to get what they want =³³³³
Murder by insanity gaslighting. Is it 3rd degree?
what is it called when a person undergoes long periods of suffering at the hands of s crazy person and their health suffers so bad they end up dying but the tortuter murderer did not use physical means but used mental cruelty to kill the victim
he mls
is hyde
must have constant noise
many things
multiple projects
constant activity
control of area people animals things weather
visual stimulus often
is jekyll in public
is unsecure. fear based
conjures fallacies and reasons
has many faces personalities
hates his own reflection
intolerant of mistakes of self and others
hides lots of things
tells me things and people he hates wont tell them to their face
predicts negative outcomes often
sees the dark side
doesnt want strangers public to think bad about him the way he thinks bad of others
ultra sensitive to any stimuli
believes in ufos aliens
seems unaware of effect he has on me not taking responsibility for his words and actions then blaming me for it saying i did something when i didnt
views world as battleground of war
impulsive anxious shaky jumpy nervous
cant stand silence or meditation self reflection
trouble remembering dreams
awakens wakes up quickly
fmo fear of missing out
sympathetic at times zero empathy other times
feeling sorry for something like the weather was bad but not for what he said or did
cant sit still when eating at the table
eats meals and snacks in recliner often
uses single serving alcohol bottles rum whiskey any kind
saves little packets of condiments
makes sure none of my stuff is left in his car truck bedroom any room but mine
likely has sides and life i dont know about
has never forced sex upon me
allows me to sleep as long as i am in a bedroom
i dont think he snoops thru my stuff
doesnt want strange men or males in the house females are okay
doesnt want me to tour the house
doesnt want me alone with anyone in house
insists he be in house if anyone else is here
misinterprets my face mood words motives actions often
denies i have intelligence am smart am nice people like me that i have talents can go to school
believes in getting replacement before getting rid of old item
rollercoaster ride of love hate ambivalence towards me
emotional ups and downs
lacks enthusiasm for most things, complains instead of being appreciative
says goddammit alot uses the name of the lord in vain and cusses saying son of a bitch crap shit its all a bunch of crap shut the fuck up fucking dammit damn them
is insecure
focuses on hair, body, spots on the face putting makeup over any flaw scar pimple imperfection combs hair perfectly, into the physical appearance and activity more than inner growth spirituality
freaks out over many things: seeing me throw anything away from food to material items i put in the trash give away donate toss outside in the yard
seems to not understand expired things that have expiration date and have a shelf life. believes things stay good for years way beyond their use including vitamins medicine pills spices paint canned goods food
saves tiny and travel size bottles containers for years, keeps small bottles of shampoo in the shower doesnt want to throw them away toss them out get rid of them
worry worry wart worries incessantly nonstop over everything instead of having faith belief trusting energy god forces. negative viewpoints are instant and immediate in response to most things
doubters, doubts all, is skeptical of just about everything
suspicious
black sabbath paranoid
schizophrenic family. what my mother warned me about. mom was always talking about schizos.
unable to see he is the problem has mental issues learned from mother and family
bounces from loving compassionate to intense hatred anger
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Doctor said I have no cataracts, no glaucoma and no macular degeneration which is good. He said my pupils were well dilated so he did not ha... -
ricky rick richard kirk tony what is to stop me from thinking he doesn't or does have any females girls women coming over here at the l...
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Any person I am talking to immediately diverts their attention to someone else or some animal or some other things in the area. They drop t...