Contempt I never thought I would have

 and i would like to not feel it. i ought to feel just ice. cold, distant, not interested. as if he did not exist and never did. 

then memories of all the years with him would not be in every cell of my body. good ones. very nice ones and the most horrible memories of all feeling like living in a prison of hell and damnation.

realizations and the current  and former ways he treats me have slowly caused me to feel this contempt while sitting at the table with him watching him eat. and watching him eat sitting in his recliner in the living room. junk food. sweets, cakes, pies, snacks. and watching him eat cookies starting first thing in the morning right after he gets up usually around 8 am and eats cookies throughout the day constantly going over to the snack area on the book shelves in the kitchen and finding more junk to eat.

walks around the house up and down the stairs eating cookies dropping crumbs everywhere

and watching him take his fingers to pick up food he is going to give to the cat (chicken, usually) and take a bite of it when he is not even hungry. and he picks up food off cutting boards and eats it while preparing and he sticks the serving spoon in his mouth often and not even asking me if i want any before he does it. he does this with jelly jam pie server ice cream ..anything.

he licks his fingers after taking a bite of the chicken for the cat and licks his fingers from other things like sweets. he takes his finger wipes off condiment bottle edges saying i cant stand it when these get nasty.

sometimes he opens the fridge grabs something eats it right in front of the fridge.

its no wonder he usually doesnt want to eat much at a real meal. snacking on junk all day long.

i feel like i don't want to go anywhere with him anymore.

he is a critical mean anxious nervous wreck driver and has to be in a hurry..lets not be late he always says and has to find something to yell at me about each time we go somewhere.

there are so many instance of this assinine ass hole behavior i don't have time to write them all down. i have quick flashes of memorie of the many places we have been and almost every one of them is bad.

he is expert at trying to make me feel bad.