Grandson keeps begging me to stay. To live at his (my son's house)

He said bring all of my packing materials and stuff to ship at his house

 Always in fashion: Politeness, sweetness. Smiles. Beauty. Joy. Happiness.
Youth. Innocence. Appreciation. Simplicity. 

 Snow White Sleeping Beauty Cinderella is my name

The cleaner, housekeeper, cook, doing what needs to be done and
happy about life. The pretty girl, unaware of her beauty, who
serves others graciously. 

 My back is like a bent driveshaft in two places. Causes me to be off balance.

T12/L1/L2 pushed forward/wedged/pushed backward. Physical therapist said
no matter how I stand it can't be straight.

Analogy I just used for first time today to try to explain this to him. 
A person who understands mechanical things might be able
to see the condition of my vertebra and possibly start to understand it.

Freedom I seek. Expression of self. Being me. being natural.
 Money is a means to achieve a sense of freedom, not an end goal.

"Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished."

 "Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished."

-- Og Mandino

A real man does not make a woman cry. That is called a gentleman.

 A real man does not make a woman cry. That is called a gentleman. 

Idea: call my old phones numbers and ask the new owners if people have been

calling for me or him over the years. 

419-6569  841-3575  241-9313  763-5046

all with 816 area code. 

1: old cell 2: old vonage home phone 3: old business number
at super flea for kc music & media  4: old at&t landline number
had for about 20 years and had to have it shut off due to 
paranoid schizophrenic sister in law Karen and schizo
brother in law Jerry Stillwell who both harassed and threatened
us almost daily for years.

I'll bet there are a lot of people that have been trying to reach me.

I used to have lots of business associates and friends

before he put a stop to that by hanging around me constantly

whenever I am talking on the phone and asking "Who are you

talking to?", "What are you talking about... for so long on the phone?"

"Why do you do that?" 

I have been cut off by him from most of the world for many years.

Before him, I used to talk to many people and can talk for hours

on the phone or in person. People like me and love to talk with me,

unlike him who hates it when I talk and says things like,

"Too bad you can't make money talking because that's all you do."

The few people I get to visit, like my next door neighbor, Wendy,

enjoy my company and want me to stay. They invite me and want 

me to come over and share time and food and drinks and activities.

Wendy makes me feel welcome and at home all of the time,

unlike the house that I live in going on 30 years since

December 15, 1991.

A couple of weeks ago I told him this is a house not a home.

I make friends easily and can talk to almost anyone, a thing

he has never understood like when I go anywhere with him

and strike up a conversation with "strangers" and he says

"Who is that? Do you know them? Why are you talking to them?"

He has always said those things to me since we met and doesn't

want me to talk to people and especially tell them any personal

details about our life (especially him).

I have been told  I have charisma.

Thank goodness I have this computer and a blog so I can

express myself even though this may not be viewed by

hardly anyone. At least I can get it out.

 Consolidating my stuff into one room. 

Planning to sell or give away all records, books, cds, tapes,

electronics, clothing, furniture, virtually all extraneous stuff in

preparation for ?  My new house? Moving?   Compelled 

by my instincts. Unknown reasons. Logic is not involved.

No one told me to do this. 

Following instincts my whole life and I am still alive

and getting better every day.

Moving stuff around and cleaning must be done in the middle

of the night when he is asleep, otherwise he interferes with

whatever I am doing and asks constant questions and never

understands why I do what I do. He takes charge of any

activity and will take over and do it so I can't do it or

stop me from doing something due to his lack of

understanding and strong need to control each and

every thing about me and the environment.

He puts himself in charge of everything he can and is 

good at shooting orders and thinks he knows what

everyone else should be doing. 

Brick wall mind is a door, not a window.

Brick wall mind is a door, not a window.

blocks, stops, resists, barricades, fights, pushes, competes

with other people

believes other people are fighting, arguing with and resisting them

when he is the one being resistant, inflexible and

uncooperative

uses the word "cooperate" , example, when making a reference

to a male friend who had a female roommate who wouldn't

have sex with him, he said "she wouldn't cooperate" as if it

were a "duty" instead of what it should be which is a natural

feeling of love, caring and willingness to join her body with that man

says I am "stubborn" any time I make a statement

different from his beliefs and says that 

I want to argue and has said this even when I agree with him

impedence, won't allow others to be themselves

stubborn, inflexible, won't and doesn't listen to any other

different opinions, views, facts that don't agree with their own

believes their opinions are facts

wont listen to or look at facts that state anything they don't believe in

will not look at evidence, facts, books with facts,

even the dictionary that I present to him

accuses me and others of not listening (projection)

obtuse: slow, dull, can't comprehend

says "I can't understand", "I don't understand",

"I can't believe it" , "I don't believe it", "I doubt it",

"that's crazy"

frequently about many things that have

already happened and things that could and might happen

limited in thoughts/thinking

pushy

skeptical

hateful

mean

arrogant

rude

easily angered over anything

pissed off everyday about at least one thing

threatening

disruptive

feels entitled

paranoid

projects their thoughts upon others

anticipates and assumes they know what others are thinking

assumes others feel what they are feeling at the moment

(ie: if they are hungry they think the other person must be hungry

and if they don't have to use the bathroom the other one shouldn't

have to. the other person can wait to use the bathroom because they

themselves don't feel the urge to go at the moment but if they

have to go they cannot wait)

frequently sits with arms crossed upon his chest

doesn't answer simple yes or no questions directly 

instead asks a question or makes a statement

unable to see viewpoints of others

believes others and environment should conform to their wishes

unable to accept that others have different preferences

believes others prefer what he prefers. if they don't, then

there is something wrong and flawed with them

refused to engage in any activity unfamiliar with or any

activity they feel uncomfortable with 

believes other people should do what he does

if not, they are stupid, worthless, don't deserve to eat,

don't belong in this country, don't belong here, period

believes if a person is well fed they are spoiled

if a person has basic needs taken care of therefore

they are happy, then they are spoiled

refuses to look at his own behavior

any time I remind him of what he said or did

that was wrong, bad and/or hurtful to a living being or

any thing he says "why are you such a bitch!", "why

do you have to complain all of the time?!"

will not admit errors, mistakes, flaws in own thinking or

behavior. Always has to be right.

Always has to be the one making the decisions.

Cannot comprehend poetry such as the Desiderata
or The Serenity Prayer.  He said the desiderata is stupid
and doesn't believe the serenity prayer, the first part that
I showed him

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference. "

(because he believes he is in control... of all things)

Tries/attempts to project his fears, insecurities,
beliefs he has about his body "flaws' due to being
body shamed as a child, upon me as if I need to feel
bad, embarassed and ashamed of what I am and the
way I look

Frequently says he gets a bad feeling about another person
or situation. Sometimes says he feels bad for another person's demise

Recently said "I don't want to feel controlled"
the next day I reminded him of what he said and that
I don't control him. He goes off every day doing what ever he
does and most of the time I have no idea where he is going
or what he does and it's been that way for 29 years.  Most of
the time I don't ask where he is going but he asks me where
I am going most of the time. 

I like I love these. He hates them.

lighthouses

windmills

wind chimes

fields

nature 

natural things

landscape pictures

outdoor scenery

sunsets

moon phases

fireworks displays

animals cats, dogs (will tolerate current cat
because she doesn't urinate/defecate inside the house)
any animal that makes noises or does things he doesn't like
is immediately hauled off or otherwise exterminated put to death

flowers carnations, chrysanthemums, roses, marigolds

pictures of people (loved ones)

incense

candles

elegant dining

fine dining

theater

dancing

swimming

walking

writing

poetry

philosophy

psychology

sociology

introspection

beret hat, most hats unless it's a stocking cap that clings to the head

astrology

tarot

occult

numerology

palmistry

health

astronomy

physical science

science

biology

anatomy

spelling

art

painting 

sketching

drawing

music: dance, hiphop, r&b, soul, drums, upbeat happy music

parties partying

socializing 

group activities

relaxing

 Dreams quickly reveal knowledge and understanding. Had another very 
strong dream today revealing truth.

Relaxation, peace, calmness of the self.

Insights of a lifetime happen in an hour or so of deep sleep and rest.
Ephiphanies/realizations happen when the self is calm, open and aware.

Answers are within. I don't have to go chasing them.

I realize I have been with a man I met in May, 1987 and have lived
with since December 15, 1991 who is directly opposite of me. He
detests and has contempt for most of the things I like, love, stand for,
believe in and am.

There is malignant narcissism and schizophrenia at work.
He is self centered and all about money, physical things and sex,
viewed as a duty, as good exercise and an act that drains the body
when performed with a person (me).  If he viewed it as a drain
with others, I don't know.

 Constantly looking
at other people anywhere he is and making judgments.
At restaurants, shopping, walking anywhere, anywhere
he is I hear the snap judgment about what he thinks about
the way the person looks and if he feels uneasy at an
establishment. This has been going on with him since 
day one when I met him and I now realize it is part of his
paradigm thought process ritual learned as a child. 
I have tried and failed to make him feel differently and to
accept what is.  To feel comfortable with me (many times
he has felt comfortable with me, many times he is not) and
be comfortable in the company of anyone or anything.

He always knows what everyone else should be doing and deems
almost everyone as stupid and "can't do anything for themselves".

He is outward/outside oriented,
rarely being introspective.  Controlling, micro managing, critical of
all things outside of himself, judgmental, impulsive, rude, mean,
hateful, condemning, threatening, hostile, angry,
impatient 
in driving habits, waiting in line for something, getting food when
hungry or not hungry, waiting for receipt of anything, waiting for
someone to answer the phone. He thinks everyone should answer immediately
because I guess he thinks he is the only one who exists in their life
and they have nothing else to do but answer immediately to his
beck and call. 

Vengeful, secretive, prideful, arrogant, egotistical know it all,
greedy, lustful, envious, sloth like in awareness of self and the
impact his words have on me, especially, since I am the one
who gets to hear the daily bitchs, complaints, grunts, hostility
in words like "That just pisses me off!"  His family does the
same things. They and me are the only ones who really see
this behavior. Associates, acquaintances, neighbors or strangers
don't experience or witness this quite negative and bad behavior.
He wants to appear "perfect" and nice and helpful and intelligent
to them and treat me like I don't know anything, am helpless,
stupid, worthless.

"Get rid of" is one of his favorite threats. Get rid of people first.
Things last.

Ultra sensitive to smells, sights, "bad feelings" about other people.
Believes others are out to use him, to get him. "I know how people are.
Nice to your face then stab you in the back".  
Skeptical. Doubtful "I doubt it". Can't understand. "I can't understand".
I don't understand you. 

Lacks charisma. Lacks social skills. 
Does not appreciate beauty of nature: the sky, the moon, the stars,
flowers, water. Lakes, ponds, rivers, oceans, streams. 

Unable to have fun. To experience joy. 

He hates holidays.. except sometimes Valentine's Day and recognizes
Halloween, thinking he should give out candy. 

He does not want to celebrate anything. Jehovah's Witness mother,
Marjorie Mae Rutherford Stillwell caused this. 

I am directly opposite of all that. 

 Thank you for the enlightening conversation about high school.

Nerds.

What do you suppose he was treated like in high school? Was he a nerd?

How do you think my dad was treated? 

Did the hot girls want them?  No. They were rejected.

They have no charisma. They have no social skills.

They weren't the ones getting any P.

Mom, you are out of his league. 

You chose "losers". You could have had and can have

any man you want.

I was and am pursued and desired by countless men

and have spent 29 years with one man since December 15, 1991

and my reputation is still at stake. 

How long should I pay for my innocence and beauty?

He said there are

Two ways to be a gentleman, (which is want I want).

A gentleman is either taught by a gentleman or he is in

pursuit of the hottest girl and must act like a gentleman in

order too get her.

He doesn't even open the door for me. Lack of training

during upbringing. Poverty and ignorance are ugly.

 Self will is in all of us. I know what I want. I know what I need.

If anyone stops or blocks me it causes resistance and often ends up in a fight.

 I feel bad, sad, angry, depressed,anxious and hurt when I can't fulfill my own natural creative desires, wants and needs because someone got in my way. 

Criticism, skepticism, humiliation, punishment are most destructive to the soul.

 Internal childlike joy is natural.  Narcisissists forgot this joy and bliss for no
apparent reason so they are envious of anyone who has it. They want it
back but don't know how to get it so often times they will display
intense jealousy and become mean, evil, critical, condescending,
threatening to the joyous person in an attempt to invoke misery 
in the joyful one, erroneously thinking they can steal the joy 
of the other person. 

You can't steal something that is inside of all of us and
freely available. 

It costs no money. It is a state of being.

It can't be bought or sold. 

It's in a smile. A warm and good feeling. A happy memory.
It is appreciation. Noticing the energy of connectedness of all.

 Puzzle pieces are falling into place as I recall memories of long ago and
recent incidents.  Things that happen make more sense to me as I
understand a little more each day. Profound knowing without much
effort is actually simple. 

Basic, simple drives and desires are what we are all born with.

Desires for joy, warmth, comfort, to be well fed,
hydrated, accepted, admired, heard,
a feeling of belonging,
love of and attraction to beauty (plants, animals, natural scenery and
environments like lakes, waterfalls, trees, fields,
pretty girls/women
and handsome boys/males/men who look healthy, happy, trim,
fit, well put together

The eyes are called the windows of the soul and they
immediately indicate the condition of the being. 
Eyes reflect feeling, understanding, knowing, state of health,
They represent the "world" of the body, the individual's current
level of awareness and state of mind and emotion at all times.

 I told him whoever is the President you still have to live your life. 
It doesn't matter who is in office. You are still you. Wherever you are.

He is obsessed with the president Trump and has been for a few years.
Only believing Trump can do no wrong
and listening to news channels on the radio
and on the internet constantly that coincide
with his beliefs.  He believes Donald Trump can do no wrong. That
Democrats have made up lies about him.  And being a Republican
is the only way to be.
He views Trump as a Saint.

I can say nothing unless I agree with what he says.
"Why do you always want to argue with me?!!"
he says frequently, even at times when I was 
agreeing what he says.

He wrote a list of who to vote for
on November 3rd and I voted as he said, Republican.
I told him I don't know anything about any of these 
candidates. It's not fair to the candidates due to my ignorance
about them.
I am not into politics. I told him months ago
I shouldn't even vote because I don't have a clue. I don't spend
all of my time researching people in politics therefore I don't
really know who to vote for in anything.  He has not listened to
anything I said.  He doesn't care.

I am not political, not religious. 
His mother was a fanatic zealout Jehovah's Witness and he follows
in her footsteps unconsciously, rejecting the religion she forced
upon all of her ten children, 3 of whom are still alive that I know
about, one named John Stillwell who may still be alive in Texas
somewhere by Dallas,
and now taking up a new fanaticism of politics, a subject he wasn'tinvolved in until a few years ago. 
It started when he was looking at financial information like the
stock market and ended up with x22 report, daily reports on what
is going on with politics.

A feeling of power he must get by soaking up this constant daily 
news. 

Thanks to the universe or whatever energy it is I can get out
and visit others. I visited my next door neighbor Wendy last 
night and had an eye opening enlightening discussion as we
always do and she showed me a few news segments for the
first time about Donald Trump. We have avoided the subject
of politics before ...she knows I am not into it...and she said
she never paid attention to it before until recently. She provided
tremendous insight to me not only about Trump but about
my entire life filled with malignant narcissists.

 Fanatacism. Cult. Cult members. 
Malignant narcissism.
Trump. Insights, discussion with Wendy, my lady neighbor
last night. I have gained more understanding and awareness
and continually remember / reminisce/ recollect incidences
in my lifetime in order to understand.  
Superiority complex develops in order to mask feelings of
inferiority and insecurity. Egotistical, arrogant, all knowing
attitude dominates the personality. Fear is main emotion due
to lack of understanding/love.  They constantly state "I don't
understand", "I can't understand", "I can't believe...it",
"I can't believe you did, do, thought, felt, are, fill in the blank"
"I doubt it", "That'll never happen"

Personal life experiences with narcissists my entire life. Collecting information
and learning about narcissists for many years and saving videos
on youtube trying to understand it. Didn't know what narcissist was
ten years ago, I thought they were people from different planets so
I called them Martians from Mars due to aggressive, combative,
competitive, fighting nature. They are jealous, envious, easily angered,
impatient, self centered, lack empathy, controlling--always looking on
the outside trying to control the environment and all life forms around
them and seem to be unable to control themselves around the one who
is closest to them. 

"You don't care what's going on in the outside world", he stated again
yesterday.   
"It's not that I don't care. It's that all I can do is what I can do.  I can't
control everyone else and the world. I can focus on myself, the
way I feel and what I think and do."
Thought/feeling first, words follow that thought, physical manifestation
happens next. He replied "I don't need pep talks" when I told him that
simple fact. 

Regardless of who is president I still have my life to live. You have your
life to live. When are we going to live OUR lives.

It is the same old broken record with a narc. Just like the movie Groundhog
Day. They like strife and confusion and fighting. They don't want to change
themselves into a calm, pleasant, nice, natural, sweet person. 
Perhaps they can't change. It's in their nature. The nature of a snake.
A reptile. They are 
drawn to sweet, free and natural people and admire beauty in the female
and believe in taking advantage of that in a vain attempt to acquire
natural beauty that they lost when they were a child.

Little dictators and terrorists. Lying, cheating, terrorizing, threatening,
manipulating, coercing, abusing, disrespecting, taking advantage of,
using,  And they fear and accuse others of doing exactly what they do.
They think everyone is out to get them, to use them, to take their money,
to cheat them, to do poor quality work.

He is obsessed with Trump and the presidential campain. Has been for years.

Pissed off, aggravated, angry, upset. Hateful, mean.

Antangonistic.

 I told him anger poisons the blood.
Every single day he is pissed off about something.

He blasted the news last night when I went downstairs to use the massage
pad on my broken back. It is not healing for me. I said, as he has said to me many times, "I want to listen to this!" just like he shouts it to me. And "I don't want to listen to you".

Why are you such a bitch? 

You don't care about what's going on in the outside world! he yelled at me.

Yes, I do and it all starts from within, from yourself.


I said When are we going to live our lives?

Diet habits from Thailand. Warm/hot water and/or tea or coffee in the morning. 
Warm liquids cleanse they body. No food for breakfast.

Green tea, fresh ginger root tea with honey and lemon. 
Slice some fresh ginger root you can buy at stores like Price Chopper
and boil for 30 minutes or use hot water from microwave and steep.  
Ginger is good for many things. She said you can look it up (on
the internet).  I said, I know. It is wonderful.

Lady who works at a Thai restaurant at 103rd and State Line
in Kansas City, Missouri,  told me this today.

She doesn't eat food in the morning. Some of her relatives will eat
fruit such as citrus (lemon/oranges,etc) but is most often pineapple and mango
in the morning. They will drink some juice, usually pineapple. 

She grew up with never having a glass of water served with a meal
The meals usually include a soup of some sort which supplies some liquid water.

Wait 30 minutes after eating to drink water. Drink lots of water.
It is very good for you.

They don't eat the typical flour and sugar laden desserts. They
eat fresh fruit. 

Sip small amounts of water or tea with a meal.  She doesn't drink soda.

1 pm eat first meal of day.

6 pm eat dinner.

I said I have been drinking water, tea and or coffee in the morning
for many years and don't eat breakfast right after I wake up.
Never liked it. My body is trying to awaken. The last thing on my mind
is food when I wake up. I wait until afternoon
to eat my first meal.

Balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates and simple carb natural foods
and herbs and spices.

Does not eat doughnuts/donuts or any of the typical pastry items that people
of western culture eat. Thai Spice restaurant quit ordering desserts
too complicated due to this covid thing. Thai don't eat these desserts, anyway.
She said sometimes they order Coke coca cola and don't get it. they
get "Pibb" instead and sometimes they get pib when ordering the coca cola
due the problems with ordering things now.  All of the things they order
of food are from Thailand and it is disrupted.

Thailand and Asian people are thin because of their diet and
lifestyle. Overweight ones have taken the American/Western diet.

Typical western diet is too much food. People eat 2 or 3 plates of food
or more. They drink lots of soda, tea or water (several glasses she
has observed at times) with a meal. They don't think about their
bodies, they don't care. As long as it tastes good they eat and drink it.
This is not what Asian and Thai people do. 

She said all of this soda and foods like donuts and desserts and you end up with
diabetes and high blood pressure and heart disease. She said she is healthy,
rarely gets sick, knock on wood, and her family is healthy as well.

I said, "Yes. People end up with metabolic syndrome, fatty liver, diabetes
and all of these health problems and they don't know why. If, by chance,
they go to a good doctor, the doctor tells them to follow a good diet
but people are creatures of habit and keep doing what they do. Changing
a habit into a better one is easier if you do one thing at a time such as
replacing the soda with water like I did many years ago. 

I weigh 125 lbs  and am about 5 foot 5 inches".

The Thai lady was much shorter than me, maybe 5 feet or so and
is in nice shape. Her skin and hair are clear and shiny and bright.

 Go where you are wanted. 

 Grandson keeps begging me to stay.
Wants me to live with him and his mommy and daddy.

He says there is a house next door that is mine so he can live 
next door to grandma.

I keep coming back to the house where I live.

Is it love, duty ?

I love.

Am I loved?

Yes, I am loved.

Said behind closed doors for almost 30 years.

Said behind closed doors for almost 30 years.

Why do you have to talk so much? he asks frequently. 
What's wrong with you?
You have flawed taste in things like music. I hate rap and so should you.
I hate that crap. That is not music.

How can you get excited over the smallest things?
You just want to have fun all the time and be happy.
Nothing's ever easy.

You have to work hard to get anything done.
If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.
You can't trust the work other people do.
Other people's work is low quality and they don't give a damn.

Most people are stupid and can't figure out how to do things 
themselves. 
Most people are stupid.

Whatever it is, it is a scam designed to take your money. Referring to
any activity that includes having fun, feeling good and being happy.

I know what you are thinking.
I know how people are.

You can't trust anyone.
I watch other people all of the time and never sit down and look 
at myself and my own behavior.
When anything goes wrong, it is someone else's fault, someone
else is to blame.
It is never my fault.
That wouldn't have happened if you weren't so stupid.
What are you, "Stupid"!
Don't you ever think?
The neighbors might think blah blah blah, other people think this and that.
I don't want anyone to see you doing blah blah this or that thing.
You're not leaving the house dressed like that, are you?

I know how people are: nice to your face and turn around and stab you in the back.
You're too old to go to school (said when I was 30 years old).
You don't do anything around here. You do the dishes and laundry and
that's about it. You don' help me with anything. You never ask me if I
need any help.
You're worthless as a partner.
You don't respond in the way I expect you to.
That is not the response I was expecting.

You don't listen (therefore I have to repeat what I say over and over and over
on a daily basis because you are too stupid to get it, to understand what I
am saying.

If you want THAT you need to go live with somebody else. THAT being:
respect, appreciation, kindness, politeness, empathy, understanding.

Why don't you go live with: your mom, your dad, John Layson --you're just
like him--, Clayton, virtually anyone who is around in my life at the time.

That will not last, referring to a job I have or anything I am doing at the time.

I don't believe it.
I can't believe such and such and such in reference to a thing that already 
happened or a thing that could or might happen,

I doubt it.
You'll never.. fill in the blank.

All you do is complain (projecting his complaining upon me)
All you do is bitch. Bitching again!

Why don't you just shut the fuck up before I bust you in the face?

I've had enough of your shit.

I'm not too old to find somebody else. I've got another 20 years or so left..
I might live until I am 80 years old.

I'll find a woman who listens and does what I say.

That was a crazy movie, referring to "Barefoot in the Park", 
watched last week, October, 2020.
Why would anyone move into an apartment with a leaking roof
and broken things?  (The story was about a man and a woman
who had different personalities, just like me and him/husband.
She is beautiful, fun loving, free, a dancer like me and he is 
a stuffed shirt stick in the mud just like he is and he 
didn't get it.)

Why do always think you have to do something on your birthday?
If you want to do something you have to do it on your own.

That was a waste of my time. Said after leaving family gathering
at his sister's house on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Quit wasting my time!! he yelled at me when he was listening to
a presidential speech and x22 report on the internet and I attempted to
talk to him. 

Why do you always want to argue with me?

Why do yo do that? I would never do that.
How can you eat that? That's disgusting, it stinks, I would not eat that.

I don't like your personality.


You're such a mess.
He/she is such a mess.
Everything he does is a fucked up mess.

Why are you so cluttered?
I'm going to do something about it. I am going to start throwing things away.

I'm not going to put up with you. 

I'm not going to put up with that.

You need to do this.
You need to stop doing that.
He/she needs to do this and stop doing that.

I know exactly what everyone else needs to do (and I don't know
what I need to do and I don't need to work on myself)

Everyone is flawed except me.  I don't need to be fixed. I know 
what I am doing and where I spend my money. I don't waste money.

I don't need to hear "Pep talks" (motivational speakers who talk about
how you're thinking turns into reality)

It's all a bunch of crap (life, that is)

People are out to get you. 
People will take what they can get.

You should  take advantage of the situation.

I've had enough of your shit.

I don't care what you have to say.
I don't care what you want.
I am going to do what I want.

I don't need to hear your opinion.

I don't need to hear your analogies.
I don't need to hear your philosophy.

How can you do that?
I don't understand you.

You don't have anything to worry about. She is not pretty.
She is "scurvy". 

(Years ago) You've got back problems, all right but you've
really got is mental problems.

I can say and do anything I want because I have more money than you.

Oh, you like him, you want to have a relationship with him? *referring
to any male I talk to because we have common ground interests.

I haven't seen any changes in your life because you listen to "those
pep talks" and read those books.

You're careless.

You're sloppy.

You think you know everything.

It's not abnormal for a man to watch porn. Men like to look at pretty women.

I don't want anyone, especially the neighbors, looking at you
(yet I can look at anyone I want and make comments regardless of how you feel about it.)

I don't want you going to bars. You know what that leads to.

Gets extremely upset when I watch stories about serial killers and says
"It's about control".  

Why do you keep watching that? How many times have you watched that?
(He keeps watching the same things and listening to the same things and
doing the same things over and over every day as well)

You keep doing that and I will take the vcr away. 



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He sits with arms crossed over his chest at family gatherings.
He frowns often as people do, when he is disgusted, angry,
upset and miserable.

One of his favorite movies is The Grinch and he is the grinch.
This miser, never satisfied. Always wanting more. Not happy
with what he is and what he has. Thinks there is something and
someone better "out there". What he is and has is not good enough.

Chess, his favorite game. Played on computer by himself. Always trying to win.
Beat the computer. 

"Wonderful", same word used by my step grandpa when I told him
something happy and joyful. Said in a bland voice without joy.

--------------------------------------------------

Translation: Why do you say things
I don't agree with and don't understand?

Why aren't you interested in and obsessed
with the same things I am interested in? 

Why don't you agree with everything I say?
How can you have interests different than mine? 

How dare you have a mind of your own.

Why can't you be as upset as I am,?
Why can't you just be as miserable as I am?
Why aren't you like me and constantly
aggravated, hostile, have a short fuse and blow up
like an atom bomb over the smallest and most useless thing?

How can you be happy and joyful with all of the terrible things
going on in the world? The weather, disasters, the stock market,


How can you accept others the way they are with all of their "flaws"
and be just as critical as I am about everyone except Donald Trump?

This is the belief pardigm/system of a pessimistic/ pissy mestic
person's personality that believes they are a "realist" with a
realistic view of life.

I don't know what you are thinking so I am going to guess and
project my own thinking upon you.

I don't know how people are, I know how I am and what I think
and what I do.

One month, 4 weeks of complete freedom to think and do, to express my true self results in absolute natural beauty, Maintaining self expression and creativity throughout life equals pure joy and constant beauty.

Right after I posted this my grandson said
I know what you need
30 days in a hotel.

I said, That is exactly what I was thinking. 
Total freedom and relaxation. 

11-2-2020

 Thought form, idea, belief, notion precedes words, actions and physical manifestations