Unexplained fatigue bouts since January or February of 2023

My desire has been flushed away

 Burned out

Destroyed by destroyers

You look okay but you don't look that good

 He , Mike, said before some years ago

"You're not that good looking" also said by the ex Ed. Said back when every other guy was after me for one thing

All the while other men are still trying to get into my pants. Not nearly as often as they used to but still sometimes even today

He's got a boulder on his shoulder

 recording in my closet bedroom

floors clean obsession

outward creativity from me cannot happen when i focus on what others are doing and imitate reflect copy them

self propelled focus only way to really get things done 

eliminate outside distractions

he is easily distracted by the outside 

i am aware of it and ignore it

watch observed not absorb

i dont have to watch a video to get into the feeling such as dancing i hear it i dance do not need to watch another dance eat have sex in order to do it i just do as i feel it

as

i dont have to watch someone else eat to get hungry

he does

monkey see monkey do as grandma said

Days filled with repetitive mundane tasks

 majority of the time it seems like the same stuff 

I need to clock my time and hours days weeks months years spent doing these things which are deemed worthless by him

cleaning, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, cooking, dishes, laundry, shopping

It is better to have not loved and lost

 You can't miss what you never had

Not knowing love means not losing or missing it

Which is best, selling one thing service or line or many different types of things

 For me it can be quite difficult selling too many different things, doing many types of work and service

Jumping around from one thing to another has been my demise

Losing focus by attempting to juggle, multi task decreases production and success therefore i am financially poor 

Apparently any female can have a sex male regardless of her appearance

Boldly go where no one has gone before: your true self. Star trek fans

Groups, clans, cults

 Originate with one persons dreams

Obsessions

 People can be obsessed with

Death

Sex

Food

Money

Material things

Work

Avoiding work

Thinking too much

Avoiding thinking

Fantasies, the unreal, impossible

Magic

Things out of reach, unattainable, impossible, unreal, unnatural

Pleasure

Pain

Control

Disasters

Building

Creating

Religions

 Injected guilt and shame into children 

Guilty shamefulness carries on thru adulthood

Develop a conscience, the feeling that others know what you think and do..as if people are psychic mind readers

Omniscient all knowing god

Santa Claus.. he knows when you are sleeping knows when youre awake, knows if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake... you better watch out, better not cry not shout

Developed invented god, good, bad, angels, devils, saints, sinners

I dont believe in afterlife, life after death

 Humans made this stuff up due to awareness of mortality fear of death

Religions were invented

I listen too late to advice and follow myself headstrong into hell sometimes

 With some things other people can see what is going on 

as the outside observer is often better at seeing the entire picture, the forest, better at giving direction, finding flaws, warnings of tragedies or accidents, pitfalls due to their witnessing, experiences 

major mistakes I have made

choosing wrong person/people to be around

relationships, spouse, boyfriend

sex

money expenditures at times have been too much on the wrong things

saying a thing and being overheard by someone around and not realizing 1: I shouldn't have said it 
2: I wasn't aware I was talking too loud 3: telling a thing to a person who didn't need to know it
4: using all or nothing types of words such as everyone, no one, most people, all men/all women, the word "all" in general when in fact I have no idea what ALL do, have done and couldn't ever know what everyone thinks, says or does ..this would be omniscient which I am not all knowing 

Jobs I can't do/couldnt do due to the cold

 grocery store 

stocking coolers

restaurant if it is too cold

department store 

I will stay covered up in the cold house

 especially my legs

hands and feet freeze easily

when temperature drops below 65 ish

FOCUS ON THESE THINGS, SHE AND HE

 EYEBROWS

SHOES

HOURGLASS FIGURE

SHAPE

FOOD AND DRINK FOR EVERY OCCASION

HAIR

SMILE

BEING NICE REGARDLESS OF HOW I FEEL

POLITENESS

APPRECIATION, THANK YOU

Depression: lack of movement, restriction

 In me, for me these things seem to cause depression, suicidal thoughts

Lack of proper free movement

Stillness, too much

Cold

Tired

Wrong food

Dehydration

Blocking restriction, force from other people

Pain, physical, back anywhere

Tight clothing

Constipation

attacks from people

interruptions of my work, thoughts, meals, any activity i need to do

Believing false information, lies, perceptions of others

Ignoring my own feelings, taking on someone elses way

Memories 

Fortunate

 I got to tell Grandma Sarah she was right about almost everything back in 2000, 2001 before she got Alzheimer's and died on December 2 2008 age 91. My eldest son Ricky called and told me she passed away at research hospital in Belton Missouri. I had no idea she was in the hospital. Her birthday is December 22, 1916. We were outside on her patio deck that night in 2001 at her house. It was kind of warm outside. After I told her she was right she said you have nice skin. You're at your prime at 40. 

My dad's last words to me "Okay Sweetie thanks for stopping by". January 27, 2003 the night before he died on the 28th.

He was at home in his adjustable bed set up like a care facility. It was his choice to not go to a hospital or nursing home when he was very ill with type 2 diabetes and liver cancer. Treated at home , all 12 prescriptions from the doctors that did him in , by his wife Dorothy (Dottie) Wilson and my sister Joyce. 

October 2003 was the last time I saw my mother alive. She was at super flea where I worked in the music shop. I gave her a hug and said I'll see you later. December 14, 2003 a police officer came in to super flea that morning around 10 am or so and asked me if I knew a Ruth Foust. I said I did. I'm her daughter. "She passed away this morning" he said.

Nothing but the best

 For him

Not liked loved wanted or desired. That's me

 Evidence is clear

No friends and mostly solitude

Some people are unattractive to the opposite sex

 And since that is the meaning of life, to be naturally attractive, if you aren't then you have major life problems

Malayson was a loser at love, a pirate, s&m fetish freak, lover of material things, money and holidays

 He had almost no appeal sexually from the opposite sex--women-- that anyone knew of. Nothing about him appealed to me or any other woman we encountered. 

He didn't discuss sex or his sex life. Some of us would joke about it behind his back questioning what he did, what he was. He never talked about intimate relationships during the time I knew him and worked with him. We did not know if he was heterosexual, homosexual or any other kind of sexual category.

Over the span of years I knew him 1999-2023 I or anyone else who knew him ever saw him with a woman. As far as anyone knew or knows he had no relationship. He was never married. Had no kids, no children. His surrogate children were an unknown number of cats and a small dog when he was a child boy.

 I discovered his obsession with sadomasochists/sadomasochism and found S&m collections throughout his house after he went to the hospital ER emergency room st Luke's east in Lee's summit Missouri May 11 2021.

 DVDs, VHS tapes, books, whips, chains, rods, paraphernalia.. hundreds of websites urls of whipping and torture he saved on his cell phone and laptop computer. He copied music and movies off the internet for an unknown number of years. He made copies of physical media and sold them usually for 5 dollars a piece. He pirated thousands of vhs and cassette tapes, cds and dvds that were in his house. I have no idea how many more he did in his life. There were many letters from the RIA recording industry of america in his house stating they knew he was illegally downloading media and they had records of it through his home internet provider. 

Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia along with many other illnesses (mostly physical) including heart conditions, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, blood poisoning...

He was a stage 4 hoarder. He had severe hoarding disorder. 

In 2021 I finally realized why it was so difficult to clean the business up, get along with him about my ideas of cleanliness, order, accounting, business registration and organization. He had written me a letter way back in early 2000s (which I tossed in the trash after I found it a couple of years ago) stating that I had severe mental problems and desperately needed the help of a psychiatrist and that my husband would never put out the money for me to get help that I seriously needed for my problems. 

And I DO have mental problems but nothing compared to his. One of my biggest problems is trusting and believing in people and not knowing how to figure out what someone is when I meet them.

After he was admitted to the hospital in 2021 and stayed bedridden for the next 2 years he would tell me things he had never told me before. Things about his upbringing. His mother and father who adopted him in 1946.

His parents never gave him anything all year until Christmas Day then he was showered overloaded with gifts. Everything all at once. 

What would my life have been like if I had not lived in angry households?

All she wanted was for you to be nice

 And you couldn't even do that

He thinks I should be like him and obey whatever he says. A rigid control freak.

 Imagine living with a person who criticizes and nitpicks you to death constantly. One who enjoys having sex with you (as long as you are very clean and have no smells) and that is about it. 

What is the age level of maturity of a person who acts like this? Where is he mentally, emotionally when he is chronologically age 62?

It seems as if he thinks I should be exactly like him and I should eliminate any of my persoanl preferences regarding virtually everything that is me and not him. In fact, he hates anyone that differs from him. He has zero tolerance for anything he does not like regarding all six senses of smell, taste, touch, sight, sound or feeling. He has zero tolerance for anyone who is different from him, has different opinions, dresses in clothing he doesn't like, lives a lifestyle different from his, can't do all of the things he does, has their own preferences in anything that is different from his. He thinks people should look, act, smell, eat, work, do, think and be just like him. 

he forced me to get rid of my black dishes not long after I moved into his house due to his mother being a religious zealot Jehovahs Witness. He said she would think the black dishes were of the devil, black magic and witchcraft

made me hide my book The Magic Power of Witchcraft so his mother or anyone who comes into the house wouldn't see it back in 1992 right after I moved in here to his house which he was able to purchase by adding his mother's income so he could afford this HUD house

forced me to return a coffee maker i bought for 10 dollars at walmart back in the early 1990s because he said it was too noisy and he didnt like the smell and he doesnt drink coffee 

he sold my 1976 plymouth voyager van and got me a chrysler fifth avenue car not long after I moved in here because he said the van "looked bad, it was embarassing, what would the neighbors think"

he is against many things that are me. he does not understand why i like things he does not like, as if i am supposed to be identical to him

he had a total meltdown when I tried to dye my hair blonde back in 1998 and it ended up an orange looking tint. 

He does not like the following about me:

music; he calls it black music which is dance, rhythm and blues r&b 

dance dancing

bars, taverns

socializing 

movies

food I eat which he doesn't like such as popcorn. He can't stand the smell of popcorn. 

clothing choices, the way I dress

fact that i am cold until it is at least around 75 degrees in the room or outside

long hot baths

activities I like

thinking, the way I think, talk, act, move, do things/methods

the way I paint /house painting, he says I "slop" paint all over the place

the way I clean floors, a mop is banned, floor must be cleaned on hands and knees with a damp rag

vacuum the floor, rugs. If I run the vacuum cleaner more than a few minutes he yells and says I need to turn it off or the motor will overheat. He insists on keeping very old vacuums, one is a blue Sears vac that weighs 20 lbs, the other an old used vac with a broken front cover which he put a bungee cord on 

becomes irate if he sees a drop of water anywhere around the kitchen faucet when I am washing dishes or if he sees any spot of water or any item such as a piece of food on the floor while I am preparing chopping food to cook. thinks I am being sloppy, not careful and should immediately pick up any item off the floor while I am making food even though it means stopping and having to wash my hands right in the middle of doing it

goes ballistic if he is looking for something such as a lid for a container which he often says that I lose "all the lids" to the containers and he can't find them

laundry: says I "ruin" all of his underwear, socks and thermal pants and stretch them out and they need to be washed on the gentle cycle

dishes: says I use too much soap when washing the dishes. says "I buy dish soap and you use it up fast"

black, one of my favorite colors

astrology

tarot cards

horror books, movies, authors. scary movies. serial killer and crime stories,

psychology, philosophy

quotations

any account of his words and actions that I repeat to him, reminding him of what he said and did

my open and friendliness anywhere i go or am

talking to anyone anywhere

talking about any subject he doesn't like therefore does not want to hear, period. He won't listen to it. He has covered his ears with his hands and yelled "I can't hear you!" "I can't hear it" . He has said "I am not listening to or watching anything I am not interested in"

gives me directions on how to drive, how my mirrors and seat should be adjusted (so he can see and the way he thinks it should be done), where to park the car anywhere we go when I am driving

nocturnal, me. he is an early/earlier morning day person and has always tried to get me to be like him which I have done over the course of the years and I am still a night person and the majority of the time get up later than he does, anytime after 9:30 am 

Clutter=Crazy

I understand how old people and other isolated people have media for companion

How to turn a pretty girl into an ugly bitch

 be disrespectful

dont listen to her

tear things up

make things hard to do

make constant messes and dont clean them up

I get ugly when things around me and people are a mess

 when things are in disarray

looks like a junkyard trash bin

landfill

disaster

when people i live or work with are 

a mess 

and make things complicated 

with disorder and chaos

which make things 1000 times more difficult to do

Of course he wants you to keep your trap shut

 And isolate you

He knows he does wrong, basks in being a control freak ass hole

If people know then

He is in trouble and risks losing it all

Simply because he is fearful afraid 

And cant be genuinely nice

Goth Gothic

 found out this must be what I am

BLACK 

color

cats bats snakes 

CYA

 cya

cover your ass

at all times

Not only do I need a face lift I need to move to a new planet

I'm sorry means I will never do it again

 Fake apologies are worthless

People who say I am sorry for things out of their control are notorious for making fake apologies if they ever admit they did something wrong because they turn around and repeat the offense over and over

No people are a rock foundation

 Or a savior, a saint, a hero

All people would like to push me in a grave

Dead at 17

 I should have been dead at 17 on December 23, 1978

The baby was breech. The doctor performed a caesarean section birth. That's the only reason I am alive and survived the delivery.

I slit both of my wrists while I was pregnant around seven months a long. The cuts along the veins I made with a razor blade didn't work.

Too bad.

Unloved

 Not wanted

Avoided

No friends

Neighbors avoid me

family avoids

Ridiculed

Used, taken advatage of

Treated like worthless, stupid, unimportant

Physically broken, crooked, incapable, weak, 

Cant pull my own weight

Told i dont want to be around you, i dont want to hear you, shut the fuck up, quit talking, you focus on piddly stuff not important things,  you dont do anything around here, 

I may as well be dead as far as anyone cares and acts

 No one gives two shits if I am alive

Old man young woman, again

 Yet another man I know

This one is in late 60s pursuing female in her 20s.  Emotional dream fantasy feelings no logic involved. Rescuing heroine damsel in distress

Three other men I know are in their 50s pursuing female girls in their twenties. One desires a 21 yr old Latino, the other man  has a wife abroad now in her 30s while he stays living in the United States and has sex with any attractive woman he can get in Missouri Kansas or whatever state

45 year old son with a 26 yr old now for 4 years and he has sex with any other female who will allow him 

These are just some of the people I know first hand doing this. It's not some movie tabloid stranger celebrity in the news. It's real life happening with those I know personally

More money focused more miserable and ugly

 I see it in some. I see it in myself.

Ugly gets even uglier when one becomes all about the money.

I Will Sell It All

Yesterday i empathized with my ex edward in my mind relating to the traumas he endured i had only a frsction of knowledge about.

 Yesterday i empathized with my ex edward in my mind relating to the traumas he endured i had only a fraction of knowledge about. 

Mean stepfather. Rigid mother. Abandoned father. 

Cold emotional upbringing ...the people focused on providing money and material things , disregarding feelings of him. 

It was a feeling transfer i had not experienced before. 

The child he was. Once when he was a boy. Treated coldly expected to be a man as a child. Step dad cruel sarcastic put on image. My grandma said he was fake and put on an attitude ...she saw right thru it. She saw thru his mother, too. Something i couldnt do. Didnt know. Me too young naive gullible.. stupid, yes easily fooled. 

Ed loves animals his pets. He cried over losing dogs. Had a pet raccoon when he was a boy. I think someone took it away. Ed burned my 5 year old sons baby blanket in the bbq grill in 1982 83 one day when i was cooking . He burned it when i went inside the apartment so i didnt see, did not know until after he did it. He sad he is not a baby he doesnt need that damned blanket!

That adult son burns anything he can in a grill or outside anywhere or inside the house in a fireplace. Bonfires of trash and mattresses.

My youngest son burnt his sons paper drawings in his fireplace when my grandson was 5 as my grandson cried screamed pleaded begged daddy dont do it!

Tired of having to do food comas to induce sleep

 Or do anything such as otc , alcohol, drugs, starvation, stuffing, chemicals, vitamins, minerals, over exertion,  

So i can go to sleep

So i can attempt a regular routine of any kind appearing to be normal which doesnt exist in me and might exist in most people

So other people might be able to deal with me

So I can fit in , which i never did naturally

When my energy level is usually at its highest, peaking out, often very late around midnight i am eating to put myself to sleep which i dont want to have to do

I want to run my energy out naturally as it occurs never according to what anyone else thinks

It is becoming more apparent, more evident i ought to live alone

Wherever i am it ought to be where no one is watching me, monitoring me. They can monitor themselves. Live their own lives of regularity and what it normal for them

Sometimes i feel like i could sleep for 2 or 3 days straight and at times feel i could be awake more than 24 hours. A strange, weird phenomenon with me thats bern there as far back as i can remember, at least back to age 4, 5. Dont know what the cycle or pattern or link is. .. food? Weather? Events? Creatures around me? No identifiable common denominator to reveal why. What is the pattern, the cause? It would take more than sherlock to figure it out.

Wonder if there is affinity with food i like

The house i live in would be a great touring show house

 Due to its unusual floor plan layout

People live off recordings, inventions, work of others

Inventions, ideas I have that are not produced

 Letter opener and utility knife add on for writing utensils, pens pencils markers

Add on pad material spray on or actual old tires installed from recycled rubber from tires etc for cement posts in service stations parking lots to eliminate damage to vehicles cars people propetty

Add on gadget for handles to brooms mops etc so the handle will lean firmly against the wall when set there and not fall onto the floor

Slippees to put onto any shoe or foot as soon as you enter from outside. Remove right before going out, put on before coming in. Never track more outside debris and dirt into the home building office building. 

Hair clip in the shape of a clutched hand. Gathers hair on top easily.

His mother owns my man, husband, partner, boyfriend, fiance.

Live in my own place

 Total freedom

Peace. Harmony. Choices I make about everything in my life.

No neighbors, landlord, hoa home owners association, 

Many books are inside of me

 trying to get out and be published

Sounds I cannot stand

 whining, crying, 

music genres, most that have sounds of flutes, strings, harmonica, such as celtic, scottish, new age

high pitched screeching sounds of fingernails scraping on chalkboard or some such thing ..anything that has that grating sound like a hyena screaming tearing up my eardrums

dogs sounding like high pitch hyena like one of the neighbors dogs i can't identify the breed

GRUMPY OLD OR YOUNG PEOPLE

 Love the news, the war, battles, fights, controversy, hatred

Desire control over all

Territorial: Begins with their own space, extend out to the world, as if they could own it

The Bible

 Some say the only book you'll ever need to read

It's in the jails

In hotel and motels

Accepted. Gospel. The word of God

Grandpa Leroy Mitchell wouldn't fix himself a sandwich, cook food, clean, do mechanical car repair work

He didn't clean house. Never vacuumed, swept, mopped, did dishes or laundry. Grandma did all of the house work. He mowed the grass and did some gardening until I was 10 years old, old enough for me to do all the yard work. 

He called me lazy. He called my mother lazy, a fat lazy slob bitch is what he would say.

He screamed at me "FIX ME SOMETHING TO EAT!!"

He had a loud voice. He yelled. That was his tone of voice. Loud, aggressive. Mean, impatient, rude. Cussing out other drivers on the road. If anyone did anything he wasn't expecting he had a fit of rage. 

Yet he worked at his teaching job 57 years every day during the school year and he worked almost every evening either umpiring baseball games, referee for football and basketball games for many different schools in many cities in the greater Kansas City MO area.

In the summer he worked full time job monday thru friday painting schools 

He was college educated. Intelligent. Hard working. Grandma called him an educated idiot, an ass hole, a jerk, a sonofabitch, bastard, mother fucker. She called him almost every bad name in the book. So weird.

My slowness irritates some people, usually type a personalities

What am i fast at doing? Maybe I should do that. Whatever that is.

Violent outburst tonight

 Again. 

I didnt get hit by him. Luckily.

 He doubled up his fist threatened to hit me more than twice, maybe 4 times. He said he has the right to say and do what he wants. He should hit me because of my smart mouth and thinks if he told that to police or anyone it is a good reason to justify hitting me. 

I told him it is against the law to hit or even threaten bodily harm. He doesnt believe it.

He said i was threatening him by saying i would call the police, i said i didnt say i would call the police, i said everyone would know if you hit me and someone else would report it to authorities.

I told him he thinks he can say and do whatever he wants without consequence and that he is a trump fanatic. He says he is not a fanatic and he just wants to see the right things done. He played a news video showing bombings in gaza or yemen .. he is obsessed with world war news and is afraid that war activity is coming here in the united states where we live. 

I said:

Those men in those countries bombing fighting and warring beat their wives and kids just like you are doing.

If you want to see the right things done then set the example. Be a model and do the right things. You are afraid, scared to death, you wont admit it. You want total control just like they do.

He said i want a divorce. Im tired of your attitude. I ought to disable your vehicle. I am going to quit doing things for you. All this war is going on and you just ignore it. You just want to have fun and dance and swim. Mockingly.

I said you dont want me to feel good at all, no fun, no dancing, nothing good mentally or physically. You want me to be angry hateful mean and yell like you do. All you watch and listen to is negative and bad.

Full of threats again. The same old threats hes been saying for years.