Tuesday, April 30, 2024
People are going to do exactly what they want to do
and disregard the advice, counsel, direction of someone trying to tell them what to do
Wondering if co gas is causing fatigue
Today, several hours after I finally got up late, still so tired and just wanted to go back to bed and sleep more, I thought maybe there is a gas somewhere permeating through this house making us both so tired. For me it is most every day. Him, a random unpredictable bout if getting so tired he never knows when he will need to take a nap.
We're eating good food and taking occasional vitamins and I drink lots of water and coffee and tea and still so tired.
Firewood burned all winter except for today. Stinky riding lawnmower is in the attached garage. And God and he knows all the chemicals he uses out there when working on things.
Might kill us both. Kill us all. Could even die asleep for all I know.
General consensus
He thinks most people are stupid and not worth a damn therefore don't deserve much.
Lacks appreciation and respect for most people including me. I'm no different than any other worthless person.
Some justify their words and actions
Because they buy things and do things for you and think it gives them the right to be any way they choose, abusive or not.
Monday, April 29, 2024
Husband and eldest son are insane
And it seems like there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.
HUSBAND:
Constantly acts insane psycho nuts to me at home or anywhere I am with him and in public if he thinks no one else is paying attention. He believes in news sources that are conspiracy theories. The last few years he blown up in public at strangers several times when he confronts them about politics; trump, mainstream media, news. If the person disagrees with him he goes off instantly.
He is rigid in this thinking, beliefs, opinions and actions. He can only see his side of anything. He thinks i have to agree with him 100% on anything he says, believes or does and tells me I should just be quiet and never express my true self. The only option is to be 100% in agreement with whatever he says or does at the moment.
He does not want to feel good, happy or joyful. He is negative, skeptical, doubtful, hateful, mean. He tells me i am the cause of his anger, aggravation and constantly being upset. He feels like he has no choice in most things, is stuck in this housem cant move and cant control how he feels. Anger is his dominant emotion. Crossing his arms, avoiding looking at my eyes, looking away, wearing headphones and earphones often, walking away from me while talking or after saying what he had to say and expecting me to hear him when he is many feet away, in another room or when other loud noises are present are some body language and things he does. He often thinks i saw something he did just because i was in the same room.
He vacillates between being apparently nice at times for anywhere from a few minutes and sometimes even for a few hours then turns into the direct opposite in a flash, sometimes being a sheer devil with no provocation. I have no idea what is going on in his head and can't always predict or figure out what he will say or do.
It is difficult to sit down and have a peaceful meal when he is awake and I find myself eating very late at night, in the middle of the night sometimes 3 to 4 in the morning as I have no guarantee of peace while he is awake. Frequently I have taken my meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks with me before I go somewhere instead of eating at home due to his volatile unpredictable nature. This has been going on for many years.
I can't throw anything away, food, drink, edible or nonedible stuff or move anything around and he goes ballistic. I can't clean house, this property, yard thoroughly. NO deep cleaning allowed. Just spot and surface cleaning.
This house is full of mold and god knows what else unseen by the naked eye or unable to be detected by smell. He will not allow anyone to come in here and do anything. No testing. No help.
My health is suffering and going downhill. My eyes/vision is getting worse, chronic back pain and leg pain with periods where it is so bad I can barely do much of anything. And a mysterious fatigue that comes and goes without warning and no known cause. Fatigue began approximately January of 2023.
No logical reasoning is possible.
Sunday, April 28, 2024
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU A GOD DAMNED THING "
HE
REFUSES TO ASK FOR HELP, GET ADVICE, LOOK UP INFORMATION, TAKE DIRECTION, LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE ABOUT HOW TO FIX PROBLEMS
PRIDE
Saturday, April 27, 2024
Makes me want to vomit
Friday, April 26, 2024
I am sick of dick head ass ho;es, mean and stupid people
they cannot be changed or fixed
they remain the same
I dont discuss my gender. Anyone can tell i am a woman
All the way to the babies who call me grandma or mama
Dealing with stupid people is major cause of most of my frustration in life
Realization today
the truth
people who lack foresight and attention to detail are and have been the cause of most frustration and problems in my life
mostly men, some very few females
Not one of us can be trusted 100 percent including the self
Never put all my faith in one person one organization, group, area, anything ever as I used to do in the past
Use caution with myself as well and constantly question it all
Thursday, April 25, 2024
Soul persona
Underlying feelings i have had since i was a little girl. Why it is so, I don't know. Not sure if born that way or created due to experiences, environment, upbringing, parents, grandparents, family, teachers, life...
Soul message thoughts I had since very young...
as a preteen girl around boys males men... message i felt was
"I am not a tease" so i ended up having sex with several I didnt want to due to absolute fear of the consequences ..fear of harm, death, being murdered if I didnt do what they wanted. As I got older I found out I have a right to say no and stay away and stop them from touching me or getting near me.
"I am not after your money" "I won't do anything to get your money"
"I am not a criminal. I am not a prostitute."
"I want to work. I want to go to school. I want to make and earn my own money."
I have worked for free and worked for cheap my whole life.
"I won't perform crimes, illegal activities. I won't go along with any type of thing a person tries to get me to do which is obviously wrong. Things that deliberately hurt others and take things from them."
"I dont want to get physical (any type of sex) just for the money or stuff they give me. Not with any person. Males are usually the ones who want body pleasure, physical touching or some kind of sex be it touching or talking like phone sex. This is something I have never done as the idea is revolting to me to share the deepest personal thing a person can do with someone I do not care for .
"I do not approach anyone and pick a phycical fight with them. I do not physically attack them."
I have ended up with many individuals, mostly males, that have done illegal, criminal things, have physically harmed me and threatened to hurt me. Men who have hit me, punched me, stole my things including vehicles. Some had stole my checks and wrote hot (bad) checks out of my bank account, some used credit in my name and racked up the charges never paying them.
I want things cleaned up. I want myself, my body to be clean and fresh. I want my home and work environment to be be nice and orderly. I want things to smell good and be really clean which can only happen with soap and water, elbow grease and deep cleaning. I want a legitimate business(s) making money and have all earnings reported.
I want to be sure I and others around me are careful around food handling. Simple things like washing hands before preparing food or eating it. Sneeze into your elbow not blast sputum all over the room area. Don't stick your fingers into everything especially foodstuff. Don't pick your nose then begin touching whatever is around without washing your hands. Don't grab doorways, knobs, trim, handles, anything with your dirty hands. Watch what you're doing and don't transfer your germs onto everything wherever you go.
I have learned and am still learning much daily. If a person is not cautious with their hands, their sneezing, coughing, tossing things around anywhere like garbage they will most likely stay that way their entire life. Anything I say does no good to stop them from being unsanitary. They say I am complaining, bitching, stupid, don't know what I am talking about, exaggerating the importance of being cautious with spreading germs or any type of microbes. They say I am blowing things out of proportion, being ridiculous.
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
Recollecting reminiscing often is what I do
To remember past events words and actions so I can try to make sense of what is happening today at home
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
He was mean and nasty to me all day today, again
Progressed active schizophrenia
Chronic
Worsening by the minute
Will never seek treatment as he thinks nothing is wrong with him . There is everything wrong with everyone else
Blames all his bad everything on me and the Bad people out there that do wrong things
He always waits till last minute to put trash out late Tuesday night
And uses tie wraps that have to be cut with sharp scissors or knife if you need to open the bag to put more garbage in it
He doesn't want me to open the bag of trash
Carol said to Karen "you're crazy!"
Before September 12, 2001 the day Carol Stillwell died...
She was talking to her younger sister Karen Stillwell and she said "You're crazy "
This is the story of the entire family..
Crazy. CRAZY . ... quadruple crazy
Sunday, April 21, 2024
Saturday, April 20, 2024
Outside appearance: Yard, house and cars look nice. Home inside is hell here
Says daily to me, "I want to listen to this (news on bitchute x22 alex jones), I don't want to listen to you" while wearing headphones and listening to conspiracy theories. Gets irate if hears "conspiracy theory", says its real truth.
Listens for hours on end every day and night to conspiracies. Wont watch any regular broadcast news such as fox 4, channel 5, 9, 41 any local news in Kansas City Missouri/Kansas area or cnn, npr, etcetera. Says it is mainstream media full of lies especially about Trump.
Obsessed with Donald Trump, as if he is a God to worship and can say or do no wrong. Fully supports and takes sides with each and every thing about Trump.
Faux strangulation of me several times starting way back in early 1990s.
Gloves. He has gazillion pairs different kinds in big boxes. Last pair I saw in the front of car are black dressier nice ones, not work gloves
Mega control freak micromanager of each thing I say and do.
Impulsive to the max takes off with little or no notice yet expects me to give advance notice. Does many things with no warning.
Runs up to me, gets in my face, raises his fist and yells, "I ought to hit you. If we go to court, I will tell the judge that you provoked me!"
Isolated himself and me in this house. Rarely have visitors. Rarely have meal/dinner gatherings, do not have parties. No celebration of anything. No holidays.
Hot cold temperament
Hairline atom bomb temper and ice cold avoidance. Rarely looks me in the eye.
Polite to the neighbors all think he's the nice guy with even keel temperment : Traci Sharon Alex Ellen Ken Nancy Mark Pollock...former neighbors Don and Irene and family, Tim and Lois, Darrell and Barbara Chism......
No close friends, just associates he does thing for like work on their car, home, etcetera.
Doesn't want me to talk to anybody or tell anyone anything about me or him. First thing he told me when we got together is don't tell anyone anything about our sex life, money, income, activities like when we are going to be gone. Always say the money goes all out for bills.
Keeps curtains blinds closed at night when a person might be able to see in the house. Scared someone is going to see something in our house.
Doesn't want people coming into the house, especially strangers. A few he and I have known for many years can come in but they don't stay long and he doesn't want them wandering around in the house, does not want me to show anyone the entire home.
Arrogant belligerent difficult. Can't work with others on anything. He has to control it all.
Easily awed seeing an attractive woman gazes becomes silent fixates upon the person if live or the tv computer screen ..was cranking his neck to see billboards along way to St Louis Mo of nudie naked titty bars taverns advertisements back in May 2019 when we drove there to get my van
Becomes very agitated at a bar or even thinking about going to one. Won't go.
Paranoid as fuck while at a restaurant eating food and constantly thinking being watched while shopping anywhere. He tells me they think I am stealing something. I can't even crouch down to look at things on the bottom shelf at a store without him telling me not to do it. I can't leave my purse in the grocery cart. He thinks someone will steal it. If I open my purse he says they will think I am stealing something and putting it in my purse.
Goes berserk if I spread my legs or squat even when fully clothed in the presence of anyone male or female.
In 2020 I found out he had gathered hoards porn magazines and VHS movies and he got the stuff back in 2008 September from my ex's old house and from the next door neighbors Chris when Chris left for Washington state back in early 2000's.
First 1st time he saw me with makeup 1987 said wow you really know how to put on/wear makeup. It made my eyes stand out. I wore no makeup the first day we met that summer afternoon in May.
Addicted to the news
Can't stay away from home long especially overnight. Afraid someone might break in. Would rather someone always be here at home. He goes out somewhere for a few hours then I leave for a few hours after he gets back. Sometimes we go somewhere together. Most of the time we make solo trips.
Locked up a tall file cabinet in his bedroom. I dont know whats in it. He said important papers. Only he has the key, not me.
MALE
must show off, impress, flash, display
physical prowess, strength, intelligence, acquisition of money and property. Competitive, challenge, sports, games. Hard labor of the body. Dominance.
like a peacock, a banty rooster, fighting bull, deer, dog, cat...fighting other males to gain acess to females
bold, boldness, brave, bravery, courage
Friday, April 19, 2024
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
He has total freedom and restricts mine
he takes off and does what he wants to do immediately
impulsive
monitors each and every thing I do
criticizes, directs, controls, restricts
takes inititiave to do exactly what he wants and rarely tells me what he is going to do then blames me and says i don't do anything around here
makes decisions about most things without consulting me
overrides most things i do, gets pissed off if i do the same things to him
A minute's success pays the failure of years." -- Robert Browning
A minute's success pays the failure of years."
-- Robert Browning
Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Vitamin d screening results 28 last week..s little low
Hy-Vee. Heidi dietician
We walked through Hy-Vee grocery she explained my results and gave me important information
D3 vitamin. Get mostly from sunshine. Foods fresh tuna fish not canned
Fortified cereal, milk, salmon yogurt, nature made multi vitamin with D3 for women
Levels get lower as we age.
A magic that doesn't exist...
Turning a bad boy into a good one
Loving a nasty person and making them feel good
Everyday every moment is a battle of war at home with him
Anger angry issues
He wakes up pissed off at something someone anything and remains that way all through out the day until he goes to bed at night . Did it today. Does it each and every day.
Daily
For years and years
Nothing I say or do works. Hopeless.
He chooses the dark side of any issue, idea, imaginings, predictions, anticipations, results, person,place, thing or animal
Negative is him
I didn't see it at the time I met him or moved in. Love is blind for me...and I tend to view the positive sides of things and life forms
He doesn't want to feel good, see the good, appreciate life
He won't listen to self help tapes CDs or read any books in the subjects of self understanding awareness philosophy psychology sociology.. He calls them pep talks sarcastically, sardonically. Hatefully
He appreciates no little thing. A thing must be big.. very big.. before he even recognizes it. He says his happiness lies in the future when other higher up people do the right things. He cannot be happy now. Because it seems like nobody does the right thing they are asleep blind and stupid.
I find a penny or two or more most days I go out and I am ecstatic and happy. Joyful whatever I find or don't find.
He revolts against anything like that or any peace beauty joy enthusiasm. It's worse than shying away from kindness, he encourages and provokes disharmony, hatred, separation, prejudice, misery, lack, poverty, solutions, education formal or informal self teaching and understanding
He sees no way out. Gloom doom destruction, shit, crap, messes are all that he sees.
I clean a room I wash dishes I do laundry and he finds faults with all of it.
I tried good food and peace and great sex and vitamins and avoidance leaving him alone....and cooperation togetherness and cleaning and organizing and long periods of silence and long talks short talks walks outings activities and input from other people and self isolation and starvation and sleeping and working daily day shift afternoons and evenings and nights and staying home and agreeableness and watching conspiracy theory news he loves with him.... and agreeing when I didn't.. and logic and science and the Webster's dictionary and Internet searches for true answers ... and suggestions and saying it is up to you I am not in control of you just do whatever you want to do añd... Try so hard to make sense of his insanity and suggest he gets counseling and suggest meditation and get more sleep.. suggest practice self control instead of trying to control anyone or the whole world.. suggesting accepting others and things for who and what they are..and remains quiet for long periods of time days.. and more and more things and
Nothing works
Sunday, April 14, 2024
Slow process of sugar sweet death
candies
cookies
pies dough cake
every holiday is celebrated with confectionary sweets
infants babies children started out on the sweet stuff
soda sugary or artificially sweetened drinks beverages
avoiding water at all costs
only drinking tea coffee or chocolate when it is sweetened up good, overdone
fatten that baby up people say
force mealtime when the kid is not hungry
Sit down, shut up, stop running: The worst thing to tell anyone especially kids
Sit there for hours and hours on end
watching
listening
not participating
not moving
forced to sit still
in a chair
or lay on a bed
or sit in a vehicle, car, truck for endless hours turning into days weeks months years
the slow process of death
Saturday, April 13, 2024
Cute little black dress with hidden pockets
Got today.
Need to y this to dress in many colors.
Cut just right. Covers good. Not tight. Not loose. Just right.
Goes with an added shirt, sweater, blouse, jacket, jeans, slacks, pants, hose, socks, shoes, hats, scarf, jewelry, hairstyles many different, swimsuit cover.
Dries fast.
Can wear underneath another dress or long shirt. Can sleep in. So comfy comfortable.
Classic look.
Thursday, April 11, 2024
Tuesday, April 9, 2024
Will I ever stop crying?
Missing my grandson.
Almost his 10th birthday
It's been almost a year since I have seen him.
Last mother's day.
Monday, April 8, 2024
10,000 dollar painting above the fireplace
Told him i was going to get one of these one day and make him look at it for years . I said it back in 1992 or so.
Desiderata moved me in my 20s. The husband thinks its stupid , doesnt get it
My ex sister in law lisa remembers me as the desiderata
She printed it gave it to me as a gift for christmas back in 2013 or 2014 maybe 2011 2012. We were at her moms house, my ex mother in law, for the holiday
The poem touched me deeply in each atom proton neutron center of my body and soul. This piece as well as any other writings similar, does nothing for my husband. Like the serenity prayer; he thinks its stupid because he believes there is nothing he cant control.
I remember getting the poster of this famous poem on christmas 1989 or 88 from vern peterson the man i was working with painting and remodelling houses. When i brought it here and put it on my bedroom wall he didnt like it so i took it down. Another of many things i had to remove stop not have due to him
Dreads
News politics weather pointed out by others
Mundane droll drudge bore repetitive
Orders shot at me instead of nicely asked would you , if you get a chance
Why read what I know or want to know?
I dont read books or watch videos movies to learn
Romance
Sex
Dance
I have read and viewed a few of these
Many other subjects i read seek knowledge. Subjects i want to learn more about
Sunday, April 7, 2024
10 am up today a little more energy
Finally got out went to community center, hot tub, swam in pool on and off 2 hours. Not enough time.
Fatigue is sporadic and unexpected out of my control
Can't clean house completely at night like I want to
Cleaning, chopping food cooking causing any smells or sounds disturbs him
So I can never get this place cleaned up right
And can't cook good food when I want to
A Pretty Face
FACE Rules 1st first of all
2nd nice body
3rd nice ass
FOOLS fall for looks immediately
ALL creatures focus on appearance if they have eyes to see
if not, they will go by their other dominant senses
for females a nice high pitched light voice is the ultimate
a clean fresh pleasant smell
long healthy beautiful hair on the head
Saturday, April 6, 2024
Friday, April 5, 2024
Incognito anonymous unknown to anyone is me if I want to live
Alias fake my death move to the middle of nowhere
Anonymous
All the money and zero presence in any familiar territory
Fake name
New face in public so
No one who ever knew me would recognize me by face body movements or voice
Why?
Because I am not wanted here by anyone who knows me, is related to me
My companions are strangers, dead people, those I will never meet in person
How to change name, social security number, residence, appearance in public, voice, so I am beyond recognition......
Appearance is number one:
Hair change top priority. WIG solution
Eyeglasses different : Strange shape.. square horn rimmed thick, shaded dark
Makeup to make me completely different. lips painted larger weird color or darker brown
Clothes styles different than what I normally wear. Different colors and patterns especially on the top to conceal my butt and legs. Be sure to conceal bowed hunchback.
Walking made different. Told by one I walk like an old lady. Another said I walk too slow. A woman said I look like I have a broken back. "Poor S" she said, as if she pities me and she doesn't really have sympathy sorrow empathy or one ounce of care or compassion for me period. It's all fake. Ms Sharon d never calls me unless she is looking for a fill in person for a food outing coupon. Keeps good rapport with the man I am married to so he can fix things cheap for her. I could be dead for weeks and she would never know, would not phase her one bit to find out I was dead gone beat up murdered . In fact she'd be ecstatic if I were non-existent. Same is true for every other neighbor around here.
Survival mode existing
In my bedroom
Most things I do are living in my room with connected bathroom
I sit on the toilet for hours daily for many years
Wednesday, April 3, 2024
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
Maybe I am a reptile
I prefer hot climates
Hot water
Can barely move in cold below 70 degrees
I rely on the heat of the sun to warm my body
Monday, April 1, 2024
Little book of big lies
The book I am writing
************
When you love you will be loved
Hard work will win his heart
Honesty is the best policy
Waiting will get you anyone or anything
Toads turn into princes
People are out for your best interests
Angels are real
Back breaking work is the best strength
Strength only exists in physical hard labor
A man is faithful to his wife woman in all ways
Loving child will not turn against his parents
Loyalty is forever and unbreakable
Slavery is normal
You can learn to like something or someone you don't
Only males have brains
Only men are logical
Jobs are permanent
Formal college education guaranteed to grant a job and career
College graduation necessary to make more money
Anyone can learn anything and excel it it
You can do anything you want if only you try hard enough
Most qualified get the job position
Corporate America is the surest way to climb to the top of the ladder of success
Eat right do right and you will live a long life
Job security exists
Old and older people are wise
Inexperienced and young and females can't do much
You can live healthy eating anything around
Exercise will override eating bad food and drink
Sports drinks, energy concoctions, meal replacements in liquid form are best for providing nutrients to build muscle, and gain energy, lose weight,
A good diet is all that is necessary to be totally healthy
Thinking any thoughts have no effect on your life
You can think bad negative thoughts and feel good
Positive thoughts will eliminate and overcome all negative things and people
Clothes don't matter
Dressing nice equals total success: you don't have to be nice
First one there has best chance to succeed
Early in the morning is necessary for anyone to be successful at anything
Cutthroat competition is necessary to succeed in each endeavor
Planning everything is a prerequisite for success
If your plans fail you're a failure
Laziness is only in the physical movement of the body
If you are nice to everyone then everyone will like you
Blending in with everyone else is necessary to be accepted
Money can buy anything and anyone
I am in total control of everything everyone everywhere in my life. I completely control all aspects of myself.
Afterlife, many lifetimes for a soul exist
Single soul mate exists
Somewhere there is a clone of me
Another person can be identical to me
I can hide somewhere
No one pays attention to me
No one is aware of my existence
Everyone is aware of my existence
People feel exactly like I do
Perfection that appeals to all people exists
I am omniscient
I have lived before and will live again
Other people can read my mind and I can read their mind
Things will go exactly as I planned
You get what you pay for
Anything worth having requires hard work and costs a lot of money
Nothing in life is free
You can't get something for nothing
Good people deserve what they get
Do goodness get the best of everything
Hard work always pays off
Always, never, everything and everyone are true and real
Beautiful cute pretty girl and women get everything they want and are treated better than plain or ugly females
Bigger and biggest and more is better
Little things don't matter don't count
If you love you will be loved
All things come to those who wait
There is such a thing as being the first one to experience anything
A great leader is demanding, loud, forceful, physically big and strong, pushy, bold
Loving a person by being thoughtful and kind is spoiling them
Complimenting a person causes them to get a big head and be arrogant and prideful
Humility exists
Wrath is the best way to get what you want
Speed is the most important thing
Faithful man looks at no other woman
Faithfulness exists
Someone will do anything you want willingly
Smartest, best, prettiest, exists
Honesty is the best policy
Openness is admired
There is only one way and one right way to do things
Love is forever
Fastest is the best way
Belief is always fact
Opinion is fact
If it appeals to your senses it is always good for you
If it tastes good it's good for you
Genetic code is fixed in everything and determines all so you can't change anything about yourself
Another person will change if they love you enough
Things loved in childhood will go away as you age
People want to hear what you have to say
People care about you and how you feel, what you want
A person does NOT want attention
More stuff, material things, money, will make you happy
Peace. No drama relationship partner spouse not sought
Love has never existed in any spousal partner boyfriends fiance whatever anyone wants to call it.. in my life.
I no longer seek that which doesn't exist.
Romance is fiction for me
I don't even know
What isis is
In the news
I skim headlines sometimes
And avoid as much as possible
Any political government war crap
And social media entertainment as well as national sports or stuff like college basketball because it doesn't interest me and I don't have a clue about games. I don't even know how to play basketball, football, soccer, hockey and barely remember how to play baseball and softball I did as a kid. Many tried to explain the rules of the games and I just can't get it. My brain shuts down to fog state .
Collections of government offices confuse me and branches of civics evade my comprehension.
I'm doing good to find my way around driving my van vehicle which would be impossible for me at night if I am in unfamiliar territory as I have no direction when the sun goes down
Like being lost in the woods in the middle of the night something I have experienced before, the first time most frightening of all in November 1982 in Bethany Missouri. Lost in the woods for hours after the sun went down.