Sunday, December 31, 2023
What is osmosis feeling picking up energy transfer between beings and things all matter
Especially between mother children, spouse partner
Fortune not fame
Bounty and privacy
What a blessing to be
Wealthy and unknown
Rich and anonymous
Incognito
Left side bigger, right side . is it dominant, stronger or weaker? Out of balance
Left side of lip on my mouth a lot bigger. Used to be slightly, now more prominent
My left arm, i can twist it backwards to scratch my back all the way to my neck unlike righf arm i can barely curve it back
Left breast is larger a little always has been
Left side of back spine is huge raised lump bump hump deformed. Vertebrae cracked slipped damaged many times, more than a dozen in my life. Crippled looking freak. Twisted bad.
Hands feet legs differ.
Eye exam shows different measurements for eyeballs: OD +2.25 axis 165; OS +1.75 axis 180. Both are +2.50. Od is right eye which i discovered after web search, ocular dexter latin. Os ocular sinister left eye. + means farsighted.
Nose nostrils differ quite a bit . Right nostril bigger. Only know this from photographs i take showing underside of nose.
What does all of this mean? What can i do?
What can anyone do?
Is back , spine damage cause of many other problems i have such as sleeping, waking, mood, digestion, leg pains, vision defects,
Why cook, it makes a mess, he she they complain about the food and smell anyway
And dont appreciate the food, effort, time spent doing it and cleaning up the mess
Saturday, December 30, 2023
No sense in calling any help line
All they do is put you on drugs, try to stop you, tell you its against the law, ..whose law ? A human law not the true law which is the self the spirit over the body it is in
They lock people up drug them up try to convince them to deal with it, live in a cage and return to their home of human madness and put up with abuse and restrictions . Give them sedatives and such then tell them drugs are bad..dont drink or take dope , contradictory statements of confusion...
And they say you must deal with IT, all of it, the enforcement of human slavery perpetuated by the insane
What's in a name? Name is a human creation . Means nothing
112 dead Sarah Stillwell on find a grave website today.
Means not a damned thing
Each person totally different and unique
I will be dead soon too and no one will know the difference between one Sarah and the other
The name means nothing
I dont mean a god damned thing and never did
And never will
Death is once in life
Dead is one thing to look forward to
It is the only thing I have to do and the thing I dont get to choose over life
Life is not forever
Death is forever. Gone
Friday, December 29, 2023
Missing people I miss. I cry quietly alone. He yells loudly at me over other bullshit
Wendy Moody & Chris Rixner
Debbie & Mike Wall
Damon
John Layson & Jacque Giles
Grandma & Grandpa
Mom & Dad
Liz Bozarth
Beth Andrews
Darryl Wilson & Darryl, Jr
Ruth Spainhour, my great aunt passed Nov 1999
Thursday, December 28, 2023
Wednesday, December 27, 2023
My teachers recognized my intelligence more than anyone else
School was great.
Especially my English classes and teachers. Straight A's all the way...
Physical science, psychology and parapsychology were also favorites.
Tuesday, December 26, 2023
Which is better or worse?
Having a family and not associating with them OR not having a family?
Being married having spouse who is mentally gone, body there and not present emotionally or in conversation OR having no spouse?
Having a job and loving it then losing it OR never having a job to lose?
Having a brain and using it OR not having a brain (vacuum head)?
Intelligent awareness OR lack thereof?
Problems solved OR ongoing problems no solutions?
Active wisdom OR useless trivia memorized and recited?
Activity driven by purpose of acquiring material things OR moving body around for no apparent or obvious reason to get something?
Rigid fixed hopeless fate rut choiceless thinking OR fluid random malleable thought bouncing?
Isolation okay if self chosen. Prison is not okay chosen by others to lock someone up
Animals and children isolate themselves in boxes, closets, under the bed, tent, any covered structure for fun and safety
Adults sometimes coop themselves up in cages often the television set computer cell phone tablet pad screen, vehicle van car train airplane helicopter chopper submarine, body of water boat ship Cruise,
Jail is done by law enforcement authority when perpetrator goes against the law of the human
Xmas 1978 in Truman medical center hospital all week
December 23, 1978
Cesarean section birth delivery baby boy
First son
Breech. That's why the doctor did cesarean
20 1/2" long 7 lbs 5 oz
Worst pain I think woke up from major surgery and nurses told me me get up and move to another bed
Weather very cold outside, dark and dreary
Smile and dance even though it hurts
Pain anywhere back
Legs
Cant see list vision
cant hear, feel, taste, touch
Loss
Its gone
Death dying
Missing absence of someone or something
Broken
Lost cant find it, wont get it, it is never coming back
Crying
Confused
Scared
Happy, sober, real, genuine, sane or insane
Laugh anyway. It wont last long until you are dead, perished, expired, extinct, forgotten
Monday, December 25, 2023
Once ruined forever trashed
When one has decided to not respect another it seems permanent.
NO respect stays the same. In my life I have learned that "earning" respect after a person made their mind up you are not to be respected is virtually impossible.
Talking: Words can't be taken back.
What came out of my or your mouth is forever carved in stone.
Huge mistakes I have made have come straight out of my too open honest mouth
So tired. Slept most of the day.
Why? Don't know. Survival mode maybe.
Raining all day
Christmas Eve
no plans as usual ..stayed home doing thing to avoid confrontation arguments fights with him ..so i cooked chili, hamburger stroganoff, made fried potatoes and 3 fried eggs for me this afternoon....came in my bedroom ate some almonds and walnuts then went to sleep until about 9 pm .. just had some hot cream of wheat with raspberry jam in it...very good
It is now Christmas Day December 25 2023 after midnight.
no plans for today the holiday(s) and nothing really planned for this week
might go to Target store on Tuesday Dec 26th to return 3 pairs of socks I bought a couple of days ago at ward parkway location. "Long boot socks" were NOT long enough for my legs, as usual.
Sunday, December 24, 2023
Saturday, December 23, 2023
Immature mind: Childish thoughts and behavior
we're all the same
i can say and do whatever i want without foresight of any consequence
people are and should be mind readers, knowing what i need and want
all things should be as i want immediately
what is good for me is good for everyone
i am the only one that matters
everyone should do what i do
my opinion is fact
my preferences are fact
i don't have to consider anyone else's feelings, opinions, preferences about anything
i shouldn't have to face consequences of anything i say or do
people ought to agree with whatever i say or do
Insanity can't be figured out. Too unpredictable
Never know if you are coming or going with these people
Loved or hated
Treasured or trashed
Logical reasoning is impossible
Plans can't be made
Medication doesn't help, can't alleviate or fix the problem s
Exhausting as hell for me or anyone in house hold or workplace.
Unbelievable to those who don't live with them
Friday, December 22, 2023
Norman Bates character in this house
a man like norman bates, ed gein, one of many men in this world who is mentally/emotionally tied up with mother issues and acting up with psychotic episodes on a daily basis
I am all alone with this issue which seems impossible to solve so far
Maybe one day there will be a resolution and Peace in this house
Wednesday, December 20, 2023
Spread your legs on television not permitted in real life home public or at work
What the freak??!!
Why? Because crotchless crotch is looked for
A man is helpless when he sees it.. the open hole to heaven
Tuesday, December 19, 2023
Mental illness is formed not born with at instinct birth unless brain physically damaged
Barring physical brain injury trama, mental illness seems to be learned, taught, formed and not a genetic disorder inherited in dna.
Conditioning the animal behavior
Repeated acts upon the creature reinforcing unhealthy thoughts and behavior patterns which hurt the self and or other beings
Witnessing others perform acts causing harm, pain to self or others
Monday, December 18, 2023
Dracula and vampires hate mirror images of themselves
Is Mary Shelley author of Frankenstein
On to some thing?
About monster mentality
Sunday, December 17, 2023
Eldest son gets nothing for his woman, youngest provides everything
Interesting
I doted on the youngest because I had him
He used to dote on me, now avoids me. Is devoted to wife. Hyper responsible
Didn't have eldest much after a year and a half old. Claims protectiveness and love for me yet treats all girlfriends like trash dumping them. Irresponsible. Unpredictable.
Finally realize I don't have to put up with the shit!!!!
Too many resources and things I can do..
I can be myself and live a wonderful life!
Saturday, December 16, 2023
My mother loved dolls and beautiful things
The vintage dolls round and toilet paper covers
Embroidery
Sewing
Crafts
Art drawing, sketching, painting
Writing
Her hand writing was gorgeous
She was quiet patient kind delicate solitary and very family oriented
Ethical to the max
High standards
Clean. Bath daily in the evening
Reading a lot
Crossword puzzle and books
Picture paint by number
Taught me color coordination, matching
Only became angry at criminal behavior injustice drug alcoholic violence behavior people
Kept to herself most of the time
Worked hard low paying minimum wage jobs
Rode the city bus
Never had a driver's license
Thrifty, frugal, wise
Queen of the North East Kansas City MO
Slow
Careful
Christian religious devoted
Went to church every week
I want solutions. He wants problems
And he blames me and everyone else and everything else for his problems and attitude
Stupid fights of poor idiots
1. Over food
2. Things
3. Money
4. Space
5. Activities
6. Job choices
7. Public schools education
8. Transportation
I am the type of woman who wont do it just for the buck
Some females or males will do almost anything for the money or a material thing or physical pleasure
One time a rude nasty male being at work asked me if i would do a despicable thing for a million dollars
I ignored him for 2 weeks pretending he was invisible dead until he couldnt stand it anymore and finally he cornered me in the warehouse while i was stocking merchandise
Some people place a monetary value on everything
And place low value on life
Cant be happy, joyful over little things
Wont listen to a poor person, a child, a woman
Dont value things like ethics doing the right things without earning getting money or physical compensation
Easily replaced. I am quickly and easily replaceable. Low value.
Easily replaced. I am quickly and easily replaceable. Low value.
common tasks work that can be done by almost anyone
dishwashers, cooks, laundress, seamstress, sitter, babysitter, child care, cleaners, home/house cleaning, vacuuming, shopping, dish washing, cooking, baking, grocery shopping
bottom of the totem pole hierarchy
pays nothing or very little
compensation: low wages or no money earned
appreciated only when it is not done, realized when the person has to
do it all themselves then it magically becomes important
priority: low
special work: no
I earn nothing at home doing these things. I have never earned money nor appreciation for these activities, duties, tasks, work.
I was paid ten dollars by my grandpa leroy for cleaning and dishes, shopping, kitchen work back in 2011 or 2012 one time. He did this once. All the times when I had lived in my grandparents house for 10 years as a child I was paid nothing for any work done around in and outside the house.
I took out trash, cleaned up animal crap, vacuumed daily, did laundry, dishes, cleaned 3 bathrooms in our house, mowed the grass, raked up leaves in the front and back yard. Never got an allowance. No money earned. All my physical needs were met, they paid all bills and healthcare, medical, clothing and all that but no mention of wages for doing housework. Most kids children get an allowance so they can learn how to save spend manage money. I learned what I do is worth almost nothing to anyone.
I was paid 10 dollars several times by my son for times he was scheduled to work in a hurry to get there and didn't want to do any kitchen or house work so he would say I will give you ten dollars to do the dishes while he made at first 35 dollars an hour then upped his hourly fee to 70 an hour.
I was paid 40 dollars for two days of babysitting in the beginning. 20 dollars for a day at least 4 hours sometimes 12 hours. It increased to 80 dollars for the whole weekend in the end which was not my idea at all, it was my husbands idea to charge him more money. I had been getting 60 for 2 days of child care for a few years prior to that. Finally my son felt it was too much money, had enough of that and me then decided my grandson no longer needed a sitter at age 9.
Cinderella strikes again.
Thursday, December 14, 2023
Narc responses, actions. Bully blaster.
YOU THE NARC
"Its cold " "No its not. Feels fine. Temperature is x"
"I dont like that" "Theres something wrong with you "
"That hurts" "Youre too sensitive"
I like something else. You have no taste. You have no class. Too hard to please
I know what I like. You dont know what you want, need or like
I would rather.... youre too picky, ungrateful, never satisfied
DRIVES insanely fast
Rushes, in a hurry, impatient
Competitive
Critical
Judgemental
Impatient
Insults most people behind their back
Must be told over and over
Repeats bad rude behavior
Exhausts others
Demanding
Forceful
Slaps some people in the face
Most are fixed in routines rituals beliefs habits
And we don't do the good things we are advised to do
Seek counsel from network of masters and professional people
Money can't
Fix stupid
Change the past
Predict or promise the future
Bring back the dead
Fix broken bodies, hearts or souls
Right wrongs
Erase words said
Extend or guarantee life
Replace your parents
Recreate history
Give you a new lease on life
Cure loneliness
Instill self confidence
Tuesday, December 12, 2023
Monday, December 11, 2023
Bullies in my life.....
are
1. JEALOUS
2. MONEY focused
3. SELF oriented
4. GOSSIP bad news (FIRST TO TELL ABOUT BAD STUFF)
5. LIARS
6. THIEVES
7. SNEAKY
8. SUGAR HOLICS, SWEETS ADDICTION. SUGAR DRINKS, CANDY, DESSERTS, BAKERY DONUTS,
9. ALCOHOLICS
10. GREEDY
11. HOARDING HOARDERS PACKRATS
12, SELFISH
13. ALWAYS LOOKING AROUND
14. EYES DART QUICKLY
15. FACE TO FACE TALKING AVOIDED/DON'T WANT TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE
16. THREATENING
17. PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE/ATTACKING MY BODY; BLACK MY EYES, RIP OUT MY HAIR, KICK ME,
18. LACK, DO NOT RESPECT, DISRESPECTFUL OF ME AND ALL
19. WANT TO BE FIRST
20. PRETEND TO KNOW IT ALL
21. MICROMANAGE
22. YELL, SCREAM, HOLLER OFTEN
23. THINK THEY DESERVE ALL AND NO ONE ELSE DOES
24. GRAB FOOD AND THINGS FROM ME AND OTHERS
25. GET MAD ANGRY PISSED OFF SEEING OTHERS HAPPY
26. PUSH OTHER PEOPLE TO DO THINGS, SHOVE THEM AROUND
27. WANT TOTAL CONTROL
28. CONTROL THE MONEY
29. WATCHING ME AND OTHERS ALL THE TIME TRYING TO DETERMINE HOW MUCH MONEY WE HAVE AND WHAT WE ARE DOING AND GOING TO DO SO THEY CAN DISRUPT PLANS AND UPSET THINGS
30. DISRUPT ACTIVITIES AND GET TOGETHERS BY TAKING FIRST STAGE
31. CENTER OF ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES
32. PREVENT BLOCK EFFORTS OF ACHIEVEMENT IN OTHERS
33. HIDE STUFF, MONEY, THINGS, ACTIVITIES THEY DO
34. SECRETIVE
35. ACCUSATORY
36. EGOTISTICAL
37. NOSEY
38. COMPARE SELF TO OTHERS CONSTANTLY
39. CHEAT
40. TEMPER TANTRUMS
41. GAME PLAYER SUCH AS CHESS, CARD GAMES
42. COMPETITIVE
43. OBSTINATE STUBBORN INFLEXIBLE RIGID
44. HIGHLY CRITICAL OF OTHERS
45. VIDEO WATCHER, NEWS ENTHUSIAST
46. BORED EASILY, BORING PERSON
47. FAST FOOD PREFERRED
48. WON'T RELAX DURING MEALS
49. CLASSY NICE RESTAURANTS AVOIDED
50. THINKS OWNING FANCY CARS, CLOTHES, LOOKING GOOD IS ONLY THING
51. TREATS ME LIKE SHIT
52. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE
53. CLAIMS OTHER PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM
54. SPENDS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON SELF
55. EXPECTS ME TO SCRIMP ON MYSELF IN EVERY WAY
56. QUICK FIXES WANTED
57. AVOIDS NATURAL FOODS, HERBS, VITAMINS
58. JUDGMENTAL
59. CONSTANT SNACKING ON JUNK FOOD THROUGHOUT THE DAY
60.
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Contradictions, Conflicting messages given to me. Opposite things, opposition. Causing confusion
He tells me he wants be to be happy then does almost everything in his power to make me unhappy
Says look nice such as dress nice, wear nail polish, a little eye makeup and all that then gets furious if I look nice/good/attractive
"I'd love if it you made a lot of money, had a good job" then blocks my efforts to do so. Blocking education advancement, formal schooling. Terrorizes me, yells, doubles up his fist saying he is going to and ought to hit me, criticizes attacks my every move.
Android computer robot would suit fine as substitute for real live person
possibly for lots of people
especially those with mental disorders such as myself and many others I know and have known
He's always darting his eyes around and moving around with out warning
Perhaps the same way a thief criminal of different sorts does
A socio or psychopath
Or some kind of psycho
Incurable
Very sore today from biopsy scraping taken December 8
It is raw red and green it looks.
Sprayed off vaginal area water and peroxide then carefully used wash in purple bottle I got from CVS months ago. Nothing I have used cleared up or cured the mysterious ulcer ulcerations down there. It's been there since February 2023.
Dr said she is going to find out what it is, we hope.
Time and energy spent on trying to live and survive with a crazy person
Zapping my energy I could be spending on healing, feeling joy, doing productive things good for the soul, cleaning this place up and making it a nice home to live in, obtain well paying income, enjoying family especially my grandson I dearly love and miss so much my heart is broken from crying so much..
But no I live with a fighter of me , one imagining so many things I have no way of knowing exactly what all is going on in his head. All I know is what he says and what I see him do in front of me. I have no idea what he is doing when I am not with him. I don't know everything going on in his head.
Saturday, December 9, 2023
Truth found and it hurts bad
Thanks to many people who speak truth about men
I now know and crying tears
All I have been is an object used abused taken for granted because I didn't know the methods of men
The Internet is wonderful for allowing communication for all people
Another attack i just survived at home. Untouched physically. Destroyed mentally
Doubled up his fists threatening to hit me again. There is nothing i can do
Friday, December 8, 2023
Night out with my sister in law and girlfriend 1990 early
Driving my 1972 brown Plymouth satellite
We went to some bar no money straight sober and two men insisted inviting us to the house if one of the men
That man was married and his wife was out of town. Picture of her in the living room. His buddy was also married
Guys night out to the bar picking up chicks when their women were gone out of town
We 3 ladies sat in the living room talking for a few minutes then left in my car
I wanted to know answers to the question of what kind of man does this thing when he's married
Did he really love his wife? Yes, he said
Fingers man nicknamed when I was 18 grabbed me from behind trying to kiss me
Old man card shark good friend of my husband Perry Montgomery
Fingers was married
I was carrying my year old baby in my hip , my husband walking in front of me maybe 3 feet ahead in the hallway of fingers house
Left Dr appointment gynecologist today December 8
First time seeing a gynecologist in about 20 years
She took skin sample biopsy scraping in private area
Sore redness ulcers since February 2023
Estrogen cream prescribed
To pick up at Walgreens University health Lakewood Kansas City MO
She not I or anyone knows what it is
Strange
2-3 weeks to get test results from labs
Thursday, December 7, 2023
Polly Anna believes he will change for the better. He won't
Hasn't can't
Refuses
Polly sees and believes in the best in people
She loves gives does nice things for others
Some of these others are wolves eating up the sheep lamb little red riding hood.
Wolf doesn't care. There's always another sacrificial lamb out there waiting not knowing they will be eaten alive raw uncooked even
It costs you money what good are free computer classes at Longview community college he said
Bitching and griping at me for taking free classes
Complaining about the cost to drive to the college back in 1999 2000
I don't know what she thinks she's doing he said 1999
When I got road runner cable internet and was learning computer and how to use the Internet
Adult child automates learned repetitive behavior
Without thinking
Done automatically
Memories memory
Stored programs in each cell: skin hair lungs nose brain ears bones guts heart all organs have /contain memory
Ease of doing movement and thoughts redundance creates recall
Motor skills
Thinking methods
Dental school today. Left side teeth cleaning done
Right side next time schedule for January 11 2024
Plaque builds and grows all the time according to the dentist in training
Brush twice a day using a little toothpaste morning and night before bed, she said
I can also brush my teeth anytime I want
Two minutes each time
Stains on the teeth from coffee and tea. Professor said drink water between cups of tea or coffee and using a straw would help keep stains off the teeth
What if I quit coffee and tea for awhile, no caffeine and see what happens. I project I might sleep most of the day if I do this
It doesn't matter if I even wake up
I have lived long enough
I
A name plate place marker : What you get after you die
This is what a person gets to show for their whole life
Richer dead usually get more expensive markers
Poor get cheaper ones
Not everyone gets a name plate or stone marker or crypt to commemorate their death
If she would have stayed married at home..
With the control freak husband
Marilyn Monroe is just one example to imagine what her life would have been like staying home married never getting out of the "nest trap cage box zoo"
Hand washed dishes and pans for over 50 years. Fed up
With ruining my hands and wasting my time doing things considered worthless
Fingernails dissolve weaken due to dish soap laundry detergent harsh chemicals
Toenail polish lasts much longer
Contrary to what he or anyone thinks I do NOT want to be taken care of and have everything done for me
QUITE the opposite
I want to do what I can do for myself
Choosing, picking the most expensive and/or high quality item
Often I have walked into a store and looked at the array of items and usually I will favor the things that are the highest quality or most expensive when I look at the design
However I do not want to personally own these things such as cars, boats, homes, houses, tools, equipment, kitchen items, clothing, shoes, jewelry
Stuff like this is just something other people would like to own and some would steal
Value. Asset. Liability. Self Worth
Worth being based upon money , cost, resale value. My worth resale value is whatever the current going price of the elements, minerals , metal or other substances my physical body would sell for in a market.
Current self and whole life as I review history of it reveals my personal value and worth might be five cents or 5 pennies in united states currency. It might be one cent, if that.
(It is that) I am a liability more than an asset.
The only asset I have that seems important to anyone has no "et" at the end of the word.
If value is based upon desirability on a scale of one to ten with 10 being the most desirable I am a 1. This might be the only area in my life where I am in first place and being at the lowest end of a scale simultaneously.
Net worth of self in assets that can be sold is below zero in negative numbers.
If the value of a person is determined by how many people want, how many love and how many others will miss that person when they are dead, the current and historical value of myself sits at possibly one. Maybe 2 or 3...and that is doubtful. It cannot be proven to me that 3 people will miss my presence when I am dead, gone out of this body.
What is proof to me that my value is below zero is the absence of contact from all people except one, that one being the man I am married to who detests my presence and life the majority of the time. On rare occassions he protests love, concern, worry for and about me. A few words come out claiming caring about me and about two hugs per year happen.
Wednesday, December 6, 2023
Places I go anymore are making me cry or losing my interest
Today stopped at majr thrift store raytown missouri after I was done going to two food pantries and getting gasoline in my van.
I cried again like i always do anymore when i pulled into the parking lot. Memories flood me of when i used to bring my grandson in there. It is one of the places we shopped many times.
We walked and walked in many places, many neighborhoods. We would find things on the ground, in the street, on the curb sunday night the day before trash day when he lived with his mom and dad on stark avenue at bannister road in kansas city, missouri.
Many more places we went together include Hyvee, price chopper , family thrift, goodwill, red racks, sunnyside park, c lee kenagy park raytown mo, george owens park, lea mckeighan park south in lees summit mo, bannister park, james a reed park, clothier park
red robin restaurant, mcdonalds , burger king, wendys, hardees, arbys, dennys, ihop, olive garden, perkins, chilis, dollar tree, cvs, walmart, qt quiktrip, target, lowes, best buy, vintage stock, independence center,
Olive cafe, laundrymat laundromat robandee center,
Window shopping is what I did at Majr Thrift tonight. Walked thru, didnt want a thing. Typical of me these days. Remembered shopping for and finding many things for me and my grandson. The black leather kids jacket, the bright yellow firemans raincoat, the brand new with tags all red teddy bear in the stuffed animal bin, the special handmade pillows shaped like a sailboat and rainbow, toys and vacuums and sweepers he wanted. The time he cried and screamed because I would not put 4 quarters a whole dollar in the gumball machine by the exit door for some plastic toy he wanted. I have put plenty of quarters in those machines for him for toys not candy or gum.
Hyvee close by majr thrift in Raytown I just went in , grabbed the grocery store ad and a handful of losing lottery tickets out of the trash can next to and between the lottery machines. I used to bring my grandson in there, pushed him around in the kids grocery carts with steering wheels, get him a free piece of fruit he always got a banana and a free cookie back in the bakery department.
How is it and why are similaŕ personalities in each group area
In towns, cities, states
In work groups, neighhorhoods
In families
Anywhwere i have been in situations in places I have noticed this phenomenan of various types of personalities present in the clan club work business country
Across the world it is likely and probably the same
I have travelled to many cities and states and experienced and witnessed this
Tuesday, December 5, 2023
Monday, December 4, 2023
Stop talking, stop giving unasked for advice
People would rather inquire first. People would prefer to pay for good advice i have given away for free.
Talking too much. Telling people stuff they didnt ask to hear.
Old. Stupid. Slow to learn.That is me.
Incidences are countless when i have been told to shut up.
And many things said .. i dont care to hear your opinion, i need a woman who will listen, you think you know it all dont you, i dont believe you, i didnt ask for your advice, no one asked you, its none of your business, just stay out of it, youre not an expert, you dont know what you are talking about, you seem mad angry all the time, quit attacking me, stay away from me, get the fxxxk out of my face, i dont care what you want, just go away, you wear out your welcome, quit talking, you talk too much, i am going to bust you hit you smack you, a few minutes with you lasts six months, you go on and on and on, i dont need your lectures, i have had enough, go away leave me alone, too much talk a little more action, dont say anything, i dont want to be around you, you cause trouble, youre a trouble maker,
Today tells the truth about my undesirable talking behavior. I have no friends. Husband is hateful threatening most of the time. I am avoided by almost everyone. I have no job and havent been employed by someone else or some company since 2001 when i worked for ghazi dinn at one of his stores named gaiths inside the old bannister mall shopping center.
Hated to the extreme by the 2 women running the flea market. All of the neighbors avoid me at all times. Family rarely talks to me and never invites me to any holiday events or gatherings. New people i meet and befriend and give my number to never call me.
The only thing i am is barely tolerated by anyone. I am an overbearing egotistical poor communicator and poor listener. I am socially unacceptable and unbearable.
Better off keeping my mouth shut. Be like i was when i was a child. Quiet, diligent. By myself. Be a very good listener like i used to be and people will think i am a great conversationalist.
Alone. Solo. Solitude.
Solutions oriented.
Ex high school friends wont respond to my friend request. Every one of them i have seen on social networking are one or more of the following: still friends with same friends in high school, overweight, fat, out of shape, dead, drinking booze, cliqueish, clannish, wear lots of makeup, dye hair or bald or all grey haired, really old looking, sugar sweet addicts, have or had some form of cancer,
Sunday, December 3, 2023
She said change your story about him.. watch miracle happen as he changes
Not true
Wont change
However i can change what i say and think
Cord cut gone forever. Never going back.
Once cord is cut in my heart the love is gone in my mind it is forever gone
I don't care anymore
No emotions
No reaction to foolishness and shenanigans
Slow simmering burning fuel to anger, that is me
I take my sweet time in patience
before i really blow up for good
before the grand finale of the end
of the shit
LONG LIST of fools foolish boys men I have known
this list could go on forever ... so I don't even know if I am going to start it with names of those fools I have experience and seen in the news
MEN: Why you are alone. No woman. She left
You are an egotistical braggart stupid dumb ass idiot weak loser failure control freak
I have to repeat myself because:
You don't listen
Can't understand
Fail to get the messaage, the point
You were warned more than once and didn't take heed to the warning
You think all you need to do is work, have money, material things, land, possessions and be as rude mean impolite hateful disrespectful demanding sloppy pig acting and demand instead of command and get any woman or anything you desire, want, need
You throw temper tantrums
You lose control of yourself, have no self control
You run your filthy mouth saying any bull shit crap that comes to mind
You don't consider the consequences or your words. Words are FOREVER
You bite the hand that feeds you
You shit on good people
Are constantly critical of others and not yourself
You lack instropection
You don't think
You pretend to be intelligent by memorizing useless information
Are superior acting, superiority complex
Cross boundaries of people, animals, places and things
Disresepect just about everyone and everything
Break standard rules of laws, conduct, behavior
Demand perfection flawlessness beauty of others and not yourself
You have a flapping rotten tongue spewing garbage
You have it all backwards: YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL of choosing
You are a pig
You are sloppy
Leave messes for her or others to clean up
Eat and run
Fuck, screw, take off leave: HIT and RUN behavior
Take what you want
Are thankless
Lack gratitude
Bitch, complain, moan, scream, yell,throw things
Can't communicate in an adult like manner
Childish as if you are age 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etcetera
Teenage boy acting fantasies of sex sexual desires
Pornography porn nasty obsessed
You hide your filth porn rot because you know it is disgusting and wrong
Spend lots of large sums of money on yourself
Demand she, the wife, girlfriend, woman lives on very little. She must scrimp and sometimes go without even basic needs necessities so you can have all of the big expenditures for yourself
Refuse to go to places she likes
Have no fun
Expect her to dress in tight uncomfortable clothes while you wear baggy looking comfortable clothing and shoes boots
Demand she looks good and has very little to work with
Demands things out of her/them/others and will not do anything he doesn't want to do, feel comfortable doing
She and the kids go without while you savor your money, fancy stuff like huge electronic items, big fancy expensive unnecessary cars trucks vehicle, hunting camping equipment, tools, whatever things you spend tons of money on
Ridicule whatever she likes
Act like you are the master boss manager supervisor father
Treat her like a slave maid fool stupid idiot dumb one who can't learn anything or doesn't know when in fact in reality YOU are the stupid idiot dumb ass fool
Saturday, December 2, 2023
I answer surveys daily. Enter sweepstakes. Have for many years. I earn points to redeem for gift cards, cash, paypal
online surveys from swagbucks, bing, mypoints, inboxdollars, tada
restaurants, burger king, churchs chicken, long john silvers, hardees, wendys
business like cvs, best buy, ebay, amazon, banks; central , arvest, commerce, usbank
utility companies; electric every, water kcwater
He always told me these things
He always told me these things
dont talk
dont talk on phone
dont talk to anybody
dont dance
dont jump and bounce in house
dont ride bike unless seat too high
dont tell anyone anything
dont dress to reveal any ass tits or skin
dont dress baggy clothes, coats, clothes too big
dont wear makeup too much eyes or lips
dont spend any money
dont have fun
dont socialize
dont party
dont relax feel good
dont think
dont look sexy
dont dream
dont do it
that wont work
i dont believe it
i cant believe...
i dont understand
you cant do that
that costs too much money
that wont last
Food control: People in your house will control what and when you eat.
How do I know this?
I have lived in many places and many households.
Possibly more than one hundred, maybe more.
People : source of inspiration or frustration
Who do you live with ?
Who do you work with?
Where are you living?
These people determine your life.
Influence is unavoidable.
People desire freedom and also desire to restrict the freedom of others due to their controlling nature.
Same old stories recycled over and over : The movies, books, music, songs, news
Nothing really new
Just tge same old ones in new clothes
Waiting is fine. Being the first is my last desire
Ive seen too many firsties fail flub or die trying
Friday, December 1, 2023
sexy stuff told to me by men
sexy stuff told to me by men
danny the plumber
talking about cute little black girl he met
after his wife died...
she's cute and pretty
pretty pink fingernails and toe nails
wearing her holey jeans
i'd like to be with her
man at collectible store said
when he saw my feet/toes
that is sexy pink/purple polish on nails an toenails
18 year old guy (braxton) and his 2 friends at the center when i entered to pool are a few weeks ago
"do you need a husband?" first thing out of his mouth
you are beautiful! that is a fact, not an opinion
you have pretty toes!
you look 28 years old
how do you live with yourself being so sexy? a guy i knew back in the 80s
have you ever used your looks to get what you want? ..jeff justice
The molester made fun of me eating ice cream
I was 4 years old. I hated anyone named david. My child brain thought anyone with his name would be the same.
I hid under beds, in a box, in closets. Quiet as a mouse. Barely breathing. Unseen. Until he got me.
David Newman kansas city missori. 1965. His sister Sue would babysit me then she would take off with my eldest brother John Wilson borm january 1949 and leave me with David, her brother.
I have desperately tried to learn live work profit and survive
Living and working with loonies, looney tunes
Insane jealous controlling slave masters, hoarders, tightwads, self centered misers, porn freaks, bipolar schizophrenics, messes of human beings blockaded my dreams life profit stunting me to feed their desires
Miracle i am alive and breathing. Miracle they live without me or anyone else attempting murder
The way i look at it now is i let them live only because i am not a killer. Any other woman, one much smarter than me and one having no heart but ice running thru her veins, would have clipped these ass holes buds immediately and got away with it.
I have something called a strong conscience and i relish freedom far too much to do anything to lose either
Some of these criminals seem to lack conscience, heart feelings and common sense ethics
I may not have a lot of money yet but at least i am not paranoid of police the law or anyone and not watching my back all of the time, fearful of getting caught in shenanigans . I dont give a shit if anyone is watching me or sees me in the window at home at night when the lights are on.
My first computer October 31, 1999 Compaq From Hell
This nightmare set me back 3 years
My first novice internet training on one of the worst things ever made
Extended warranty finally granted after three years of misery i suffered trying to learn on junk compaq desktop solo by myself no tutor teacher or training by best buy manager from hell after repeated returns due to malfunctioning software system snafu
I had big dreams to connect the world in 2000
Internet main directory including every category A to Z linking everyone to anyone from my main source
October 31, 1999 my first computer
Severe back pain today. No food until 645 pm nov. 30, 2023 thursday
Pain usually more severe after eating, especially after second meal of the day. It was very bad before having any food. Dont know why. Cooked a 16 lb turkey in the oven right before eating. 230 pm to 630 pm cooking and cleaning this hodgepodge hole.
Instant mashed potatoes, boxed stuffing, canned green beans, gravy package inside frozen turkey, white bread rolls store bought baked 350 degrees in the oven. Turkey was pretty much the only fresh home cooked food.
Laid down on my bed stretched did childs pose yoga, laid flat on back put both legs up to help alleviate some pain, rolled around on sides side a bit, typed stuff on this blog on mu samsung tablet while lying in bed.
Did these for a couple of hours then got up. 1030 pm to 1230 am kitchen cleaning filled up dishwasher, whites in laundry going, more trash dealt with, cleaned a little kitchen floor swept with broom sprayed with vinegar water, scrubbed area in front of kitchen counter by dishwasher and stove with damp rag ajax cleanser and vinegar water, cleaned off most of dining room table, reorganized tomatoes he pulled from garden last month, sorted thru some pantry items, filled washing machine halfway with rain water husband had brought in from rain barrel outside a few days ago. He hauled in most of the rain water i hauled in about 6 one gallon buckets and put in buckets placed in big wash basin sink next to the washing machine in the basement.
Almost farm life style.