Saturday, February 7, 2026
Hollow bones. No back surgery. Jan 29 2026 neurosurgeon visit
severe osteoporosis scoliosis. petite. screws might poke through skin on my back. 100% complications blood clots urinary tract infection
likely to have recurring surgeries
dr gandhoke india neurosurgeon st lukes 4320 wornall kcmo
said i should swim every day. at least 4 days a week aqua therapy
Friday, February 6, 2026
Any field I want she said
test scores ged high school equivalency
career assessment tests
umkc 1980
counselors
told me i scored high in all areas
math science english social
good however i may have difficulty deciding choosing which career field of endeavor to go into
Thursday, February 5, 2026
Slacker when it comes to basic things. Runs off to get instant self gratification in other things
SLACKER when it comes to:
taking out the trash
solving problems of daily frustrations quickly
cleaning the bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, garage, any room in the house
doing laundry, dishes
getting rid of animals cats dogs guinea pigs ferrets any kind of
cleaning up after pets
doing things with woman, wife, girlfriend that she likes
IMMEDIATE Self gratification:
Sex
food
get money
helping their weird friends and neighbors asap
He waits until last minute to do anything for me. I always have to wait and wait months years for anything.
Procrastinating. Stalling. Delay. Delayings. Does not want to do anything for me or with me.
Yet he breaks his back and nuts to run and help everyone else.
He hates having to listen to me, is resentlful of anything I need or want.
He can't stand the things I love and want and desire. Except for sex, that is the only thing he does and usually doesn't complain about during the act.
Once the act is over he leaves instanlty. Done with me.
Then gets mad saying "You tore my bed up" in a frustrated angry voice.
"Don't make a mess", "Clean it up right away. Don't spill anything anywhere."
in 2005 I waited two years until 2007 for the vehicle to be ready to drive.
Realizations. My mother.
Mother. Beautiful without makeup. Lived in bad part of town. Associated with low life people but she was the queen of the neighborhood: Clean, beautiful, intelligent, pure, nice to all people.
She loved art, drawing, writing, crosswords, puzzles, reading, sewing, babysitting, working hard, painting, cooking simple things and eating cakes, pies, drinking iced tea ..instant lipton with sugar and drinking sodas especially pepsi. This is what caused her weight gain. I have pictures of her and me when I was about 1-3 years old and she was slim trim dressed very nice and, of course, strikingly beautiful.
She believed in god and Jesus Christ. Religious and faithfully attended church weekly if not more often. She prayed for the evil, the lost and wicked people.
She was gentle. Extremely soft and gently and easy going. She loved animals and babies, children and all people except the ones who were mean, rude, uncouth, drunkards yet she ended up with the mean, brash low lifes. Perhaps she thought she would influence them in good ways so they would become better and nicer people. It did not work. It never works. The crumbs will stay crummy unless they come to the realization that they need to change their ways..
These were her qualities and downfalls as are mine.
I cannot change a toad or a wolf into a beautiful swan or any other gorgeous being.
Tuesday, February 3, 2026
He wants to look perfect for his sisters
He is a robot. He wants a robot wife or other female woman
automaton
brainwashed
canned
and unaware of it
Monday, February 2, 2026
dont look talk or be too nice
huge people pleasing mistakes i have made
been many places
was taught to always be nice to everyone
bad thing to do. wrong advice.
wasted years
missed great opportunities
at gatherings social scenes some undesirable person starts talking to me and i talk back not wanting to appear snobby rude hateful arrogant proud goody 2 shoes and they wasted my time because the desirable ones saw me associating with crumbs and walked away
if i would have had a brain i would have understood what grandma sarah told me ...keep them at arms length. ignore the undesirables. keep to yourself. dont tell everybody everything. dont mingle lie down with dogs scum trash they will drag you down to their level.
when young i let people take advantage of me fearing i would be injured or killed or called bad names like a prick teaser.
the injuries and humiliation i endured is far worse than it would have been if i would have kept quiet to most and reserved my discussions to a select high quality few people
mind your own business. keep personal things to yourself.
look good. be classy. be aloof.
Types attracted to me
hard up. have a hard time getting females they really want
weirdos
old men young ones who dont know any better
undesirables unwanted rejects
inferiors freaks
creep creeps creepy
married creepy men bozos
grade 5 or below on a scale of 1 to 10
single goofy strange
liars cheats criminals thieves burglars convicts
nasty dirty filthy
illiterate uneducated
ones who would fuck screw about anything
low quality
fools
selfish mean rude obnoxious
hateful
primitive caveman type
boisterous blunt crude
manual laborers
Sunday, February 1, 2026
Store bought: Cookie cutter things. That is what he likes best
and fast food restaurants. portioned out food. individual serving sizes in most things
Saturday, January 31, 2026
He thinks he is being watched by everyone
all the time. he thinks i see what he does even though i am not looking.
he watches all things people animals places constantly
keeps blinds closed at night. took yrs before he believed me that no one van see thru his bedroom window blinds or living room and kitchen blinds. he had to go outside at night when lights were on inside and see if he could see my shadow when i was inside house several times before he believed it
he has thought people and police were following him. he warns me to check all the time when i am driving to be sure no one is following me .
paranoid.
Friday, January 30, 2026
Thursday, January 29, 2026
he can force himself to eat and sleep
even though not hungry or tired
duty calls. the shoulds and have to dos
feels like he has no choice on most things
this female wants to be desired and loved
i used to be desired, dont know if i was ever loved but i was sought after
the male desires and chases seeks ownership possession not love
My needs are not met. He thinks physical is the only thing and I have all I need. Home, food, car
missing: love, social, connection, feeling of belonging, feeling of being needed and wanted and loved
feeling appreciated, desired, adored, respected.
he treats me like a child as if i am an idiot moron
He is
Fearful
Lacks confidence
Insecure
Scared of everything
Projects insecurities fears upon others
Doubtful skeptical
Negative
Grim reaper
Relies on outside circumstances for temporary happiness has no joy in little things
Chronic complainer
Whines temper tantrums
Can't see and won't listen to solutions
Throws shit on everyone
Seeks power outside of himself
No faith in life, man, humans, weather, plans
Wednesday, January 28, 2026
People ought to be fired or eliminated that....
make things complicated
hinder destroy lie steal cheat cause disruptions with intent to hurt
deliberately say and do evil things
are a nuisance in appearance, sounds they make or cause or allow. smells they emanate,
this covers all fields of careers endeavors lifestyles
either at work at home in the neighborhood worldwide
AI has taken over our brains and lives
it knows almost everything about you
it predicts what you want, tells you what you need
it tells you what to think and feel directing your life into its abyss
Song lyrics from one my son wrote says it all
..."i look at not their faces but their asses....goddamn i need some glasses.."
Tuesday, January 27, 2026
things that made me happy when i was 5
make me happy now
warm safe grandma grandpa
cuddling. hugging.
teddy bears my smokey and stuffed animals.
flowers. tree buds. picking and smelling them.
kittens puppies babies.
great food at home. eating out big boy marie calendars strawberry pie whipped cream
dancing gymnastics ballet
play learning to swim beaches pools water sand under my feet and in my hands
art finger painting crafts drawing writing reading books teachers
lunch food
naps sleeping
desks
grocery stores shopping walking talking
offices schools hospitals clean places
playgrounds slides swings jungle gyms
crawling tunnels
cute clothes that fit
dolling up my hair
spinning
sunning sunbathing
nude in the house maybe run outside at night
sunsets moonlight stars in the sky
hiding in the closet
baking learning to cook clean
long hot baths bubbles or not
rearranged my room again this afternoon
found telephone wires connectors have 2 corded phones in my bedroom now and one cordless in master bathroom
up til 330 am awake at 830
drs office called minutes later. cancelled todays appt.
made appt for thursday jan 29 11 am
neurosurgeon 4230 wornall review xrays talk surgery
keep cleaning setting up bedroom preparing for fast recovery if i have spinal fusion t10 down 2 long stainless steel rods 4 screws in my back
Met 75 yr old man who had spinal fusion surgery 14 months ago
today jan 27 2026 he came over bought beatles book i listed on facebook marketplace. paid 7 dollars
he recommended having operation as soon as possible
research med center dr. his family is an rn there. he is on medicaid. loks younger than he is. bright alert fast drives dark blue honda Odyssey i think
his wife passed a couple of yrs ago cancer. she was 5 foot tall
he is music lover
godsend
exactly what i have been talking about. told husband a few days ago i want to talk to people in person who had surgery like i need
Peter Pan Wendy and Tinkerbell: My Life
Peter. Is he finally growing up? Or will he never grow up?
Is he going to take responsiblity for his words and actions? Will he be mature from now on and act like a man instead of spoiled little brat? Will he realize what he has in his Wendy?
Like in the movie "Straight On Til Morning"
he is the boy/man with all the money in the kitchen drawer and doesn't have to work. He won't clean anything up expects her to do it.
Wendy. The cute ordinary little cleaner cleaning girl dressed in her smock wearing shorts underneath. Cooking, running errands, shopping. Sweet understanding empathetic nursemaid psychologist counselor bookkeeper accountant organizer. She /me is a dancer. Flexible, fluid, flighty. Congenial, compassionate. Always reading books and magazines and writing away pecking at the keyboard on the typewrite or computer. Talking often in person and on the phone.
Tinkerbell: The name of my dog when I was a little girl.
I am Wendy the butterfly. Once a caterpillar.... now a beautiful butterfly flying away in the wind everywhere.
Sunday, January 25, 2026
Men who put no effort into relationship
Several men I know are like this.
They just want nookie and all other perks and benefits. Expect her to look good at all times. Expect her to put up with all their shit and slovenly ways
Expect her to be a doormat a slave drop her pants as soon as he wants sex or anything else. Make her wait as long as possible before doing anything for her.
They dont invest anything into self improvement. They whine and complain about having to do anything for a woman yet demand she gives 1000%
Demanding respect compliance cooperation and giving none. Refuse to do things she likes. Expect her to do what they like.
Deny her education and intelligence Disrespect all things about her.
Push her to the limit constantly..
Make messes out of everything and tell her just deal with it.
Scrutinize control her ability to spend money and buy things.
Criticize her looks hobbies work dreams actions
Eyeball stare at other women right in front of her then sneak away and jack off.
Have no interest in her health or happiness.
Call her derogatory names. Insult her at every opportunity.
Hold her back from accomplishing anything.
Take full credit for anything good.,blame her for bad.
(
The Opposite Man... manifesting this
The Opposite Man
Looks like the man who played The Picture of Dorian Gray
Tall. Blond. May have brown eyes or blue eyes.
Mature. Adult like.
Patient. Kind. Intelligent.
Artistic. Technical.
Smiles often. Laughs alot. Fun loving.
Goes dancing, to nice restaurants, dinner theaters.
Enjoys the beauty of all things.
Kind. Considerate.
Polite. Opens doors for me and everyone.
Never complains.
Problem solver.
Artistic.
Professional.
Pays others to do manual labor dirty work jobs.
Stays clean. Always smells good.
Eats healthy. Exercises wisely.
Bikes, bicycles.
Loving. Warm. Cuddles. Hugs.
Plans ahead for activities.
Wants to spend time with me.
Appreciative
Never complains
Cooperative. Coordinates.
Flexible
Loves drums, bass, deep meaningful music
Understands song lyrics and movie themes morals of the story
Looks up words in dictionary
Uses wide variety of words adjectives to describe things.
Linguistic
Communicative. Excellent talker. Socializes well
Deep. Meaningful. Thinker. Cautious. Wise.
Enjoys my company, my brains as well as my beauty/looks.
Cultured.
************************
THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN WITH which is: banal/stupid/common/bland/mundane/trite/vapid/dumb/insipid/nothing/noplace/nowhere/ordinary/square/stale/stereotyped/flat/everyday/hohum/cliched/cornfed/conventional/old hat/wishy washy/tired/zero/unimaginative/
raw/mean/selfish/money focused instead of on self improvement, vulgar, caveman type, brutal, insulting, pornography loving, immature brats who throw temper tantrums, threatening, harmful, unsafe, dirty, nasty
PEOPLE WHO ARE:
INTELLIGENT/NEW/ORIGINAL/SHARP/SMART/UNCOMMON
CURIOUS, THOUGHTFUL, LIVELY
COMPASSIONATE, HELPFUL, GIVING
Saturday, January 24, 2026
I don't need more problems
reached the point where i dont need or want other peoples problems or any object that is problematic.
i cant fix him or anyone
genes and childhood are permanent
things that dont work and no longer serve a purpose are out of my life
Friday, January 23, 2026
Body language is #1. Facial expressions. Not words, not always seen actions.
Facial expressions.
What are you looking at?
that is what you are paying attention to.
Movie characters reveal human nature.
and most people don't change much. Their basic personality remains the same and usually intensifies as they get older. Like a magnification of their childhood youth.
The best writers know this about characters. Most of us watch movies for years and don't get it.
Gina Tubby the controller. All about the money
She was The Controller of accounting at the office of the car lot.
I was the accounting clerk.
She was fat and had a pretty face. Her personality was pleasant in the beginning.
After what I did she was not nice anymore.
Her entire office area with desk and file cabinets was a frightening disaster of a mess. File folders with car keys laying on top scattered all over the floor instead of inside the cabinets.
Needless to say I had trouble finding documents when she would call me. She was often out at some remote place running around having luncheons, discussions, "conferences" with the owner and who know who while on the job.
One day when she was gone I took matters into my own hands and filed away all of the folders and organized the keys. She was upset with me when she got back and saw what I had done.
My nature is to clean and organize in order to be most efficient. Her nature is obviously the opposite. She preferred to hold information in her brain and create a huge mess of things wherever she went.
Exactly like John Layson was.
She and he was "The Boss" and enjoyed ordering me around while they ran around and ate food most of the day.
The last morning I came to work, clear up in Gladstone North Kansas City area where she had moved the office closer to her and much further away than where I live, she was sitting at her desk when I arrived. She flatly said, "We are cutting back on expenses and one of then is you."
She didn't have the decency to call me on the phone to tell me this news about being laid off so I wouldn't have to drive about 40 unnecessary miles. She could have called or told me the day before while I was already there.
About 2 weeks before she got rid of me she had bought a huge metal desk for me to put in the hallway by her office so I wouldn't have to work at her desk in her mess. Her husband showed up that day and said, "Gina, I got the desk. Where do you want it?"
She said, "Put it right there."
"Are you going to help me move it?" he asked.
"No"
So I jumped up happily and said "I will help you move it" and I did.
She sneered at that.
I wonder what happened to her and her life all these years later. Did she keep gaining weight? Is she dead from metabolic syndrome like John?
That car lot closed down not along after she got rid of me. I wonder if she got another job and what she did for a work for the rest of her life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2026
Jealousy
is ugly.
I should never act or imply that I am jealous of another woman that he looks at or talks to.
He will look at, talk to and do whatever he will do independently of me.
I have no control over his instincts. I can't control his preferences or desires.
If he strays he will do so on his own regardless of how good I look, hard I work, how well I cook, clean or do anything.
If he did physically cheat or phone chat cheat then that is the final end of the situation.
I don't threaten. I don't promise. I disappear without warning.
opposites
attract
if you begin being more masculine you will turn off masculine men in the same ratio
ultra masculine attracted to ultra feminine
people can change their qualities and be quite different from original male or female self when born.
he hates dominance and control from me because he is that way and has almost no control of the world. the less power he feels in the world the more dominating he is over me
i have no desire for world dominance power control owmership. i have full desire of power control of myself
Tuesday, January 20, 2026
sensation seeking sensationalism
he must have constant stimulation.
loud audio sounds music playing
bright huge sights, videos movements seen
overstimulation of taste. hot spicy sweet salty food
over physical stimulation
strenuous vigorous manual labor exercise
talks loud
bright lights. turns lights on when i am in a room in the dark i tell him not to does it anyway
plays music. videos. shows. news i hate
forced to listen and watch...i leave the area
push rush hurry up everything is urgent
jumps runs about squirelly like a squirrel
impatient worried worries about all wasting energy on things he cant control
assumes things makes wrong assumptions predictions often
leaves fan and radio on when turning off car
parks by a cement curb on one side of car far away from entrance thinking it will prevent someone from bashing into car . doesnt always ring true. parks with sun in my face cant see my point of view
No wheat. One week now. Meat, eggs, cheese, vegetables, fruit only. Feel better.
No bread, crackers, noodles, cookies, cakes, pies, canned soup, cereal, cereal grain bars or products.
No oatmeal, cream of wheat, bran flakes, cheerios, life cereal, special k, shredded wheat.
Bathroom better. No more diarrhea, cramps, gas, bloating.
Stools easier look normal.
Monday, January 19, 2026
Impressed by big stuff only.
layson, stillwell
told john once i had 200 items listd. he said he would be impressed if i had at least 3000 items listed. and that man never listed a thing on ebay or on the internet
still is only impressed by wild outlandish things not small accomplishments or things
soon as you are not there looking
the wolf is chasing the cat
the animal grabs the food
thief steals it
he sneaks around lurking hiding spying in the bushes peeping in the window
bangs the hole
flirts with the female
eyeballs her up and down
hits her on the butt
brushes against her
grabs her butt or boobs
steals glances looks stares
kisses stolen
hand in the cookie jar
stockpiling hoarding hiding things
snatching grabbing handling things
cute ones get the stuff
dolls. ones that look like little girls. all dolled up. pretty as a picture.
dressed up made up to look cute girlish
Sunday, January 18, 2026
stupid little men (boys)
want to run the world
cant manage their own life
dont appreciate their wife or children or family
cant solve their own problems yet have all the answers to the worlds problems
Back surgery with long rods in my spine I do not want. Stops mobility
what am I going to do?
I want flexibility. Most important of all. Movement.
Exercise. Improve my diet. Stretch.
Saturday, January 17, 2026
Ass holes recognize each other quickly, fast.
they hate despise the way the ass hole is.
they themselves are arrogant, egotistical, belligerent, highly critical and unforgiving of others and as soon as they see this behavior in someone else they point it out and do not like that other person who is just like them.
they hate looking in the mirror or being watched by a camera
they dont want to be recorded and if you tried to play back an audio or video or them they would not listen to it or look at it, instead yell and say 'get that out of my face' 'i dont want to hear it' 'i dont want to see it'
I am supposed to remain silent
and never tell anyone the truth about what goes on here at home with him or the last husband who was the same way insisting i never talk about us to anyone. this is a good way to try to keep me sheltered, under control and no one else will know what he says what he does the way he acts.
Friday, January 16, 2026
Detrimental detriment to me
negative hateful mean selfish rude insulting
crude lasivious low class
perverted evil sneaky
distorted
controlling
disdainful
says i am not business like and never was.
says i talk to everybody get too personal bad for our relationship,
i have nothing going for me, cant go to school or get a job get up early
i used to look good and still can sometimes.
got rid of recliner chair january 14 2026
in my bedroom today. planning to sell it.
got rid of bedroom dressers on monday. sold on facebook.
chair huge uncomfortable . too much stuff in my room. could barely hardly move my body around.
i need floor space to walk stretch dance clean
excited journey of minimalization freedom of movement mind and body.
lots of empty space is good
rollaway folding flexible bed mats going to get
chair sitting is a rut.
heavy furniture is not necessary
sold on january 17th 2026 for 7 dollars to a young guy with new apartment needed a chair
brice bryce
told me he would take any or all 4 of the pretty girls who came into the gas station thet night.
Thursday, January 15, 2026
Obsessions
layson john, rixner chris, stillwell mike
tv news, political, music obsession, deviant sexual behavior patterns
not good at housekeeping cleaning organizing, prefers hoarding saving anything they can get their hands on,
randomly eating all kinds of comfort foods and drinking things of many natures including sodas alcholic drinks mixers sweetened beverages.
craves frequent looking at videos, blasting music or anything over loud speakers,
needs large display screens on televisions, monitors,
belligerent about deep cleaning any area. freeks out over a drop of water seen on floor or countertop
seeks out female attention in various ways; some thru hidden watching some thru trying to get a woman they met or know come over to their house.
eating and drinking patterns are all day long and habitual without concern for content of food.
one example; insists upon dessert at end of meal, often pastries cookies candy sweets
ignores health do not like or want to go to doctors, dont trust physicians. thinks he can eat and drink whatever he wants and it wont bother him
has violent temper tantrums fits of rage at home often
doesn't care about dirt and rock chunks on floor unless they step on them which is rare, dont usually go barefoot anywhere. a mess has to get real bad before they do anything about it
loves chaos confusion arguing being defensive
turns sweet nice in an instant and suddenly back to ass hole full of bad language threats . appears like an innocent lamb one minute, the devil the next.
smirks ridicules me for my fastidious cleaning and sanitization
picks nose alot does not wash hands touches lots of things spreads germs often
early morning riser. prefers daytime activities rushing through traffic shopping fast get stuff quick in and out
1 calls people stupid (mike), 1 calls people leptons (chris) smallest particle accusing them of being idiots and cant understand things
chris has been dead since july 2023. he spent his last days in bed watching big screen tv of music videos, democratic biden political news and slammed trump constantly and eating lots of bread and junk food he knew the doctor said was bad for him. he had kidney and liver failure.
john died may 2023. he spent his last 2 years bedridden at hospitals then a nursing home. watched constant tv internet and used headphones most of the time just like he did at home in the final years. ate trays of hospital food and lots of pastries he ordered i bring into nursing home and had the hospice care women bring him junk like sonic food and sugary drinks and mcdonalds
kidney, liver failure, heart attacks
2 were never married. 1 had no known girlfriend in later life after 2000. 1 is married and berates wife daily.
how did this begin in childhood?
insecurity not secure about own attractiveness. are intellectually smart and act goofy
possibly were rejected during youth adolsence teens by a certain woman or many women who turned them down
Back catalogue women. #4 is his pick
back catalogue women
Pauline Swain, Julia Ashbury, Jackie St. Clair, Mandy Lomax, Jo Caine, and Kimberly Cowell
4th woman is mandy lomax
perfect body from the backside according to my husband
i told him he must not like me and my body because i don't look like that/her. he likes my body enough to have sex with me because he is horny and i am here and have been available for over 34 years but he does not love my body. has made lots of critical comments about how my boobs weren't big enough and at some points my butt was big due to me gaining weight and he said 'have you seen the back side of your ass lately' and 'you need to tone up. you need muscle tone. exercise. strenuous work.' the only compliments he makes are ' i love your legs' and 'you have pretty feet' and once in awhile 'your hair looks nice' and if i wear some mascara 'you have big beautiful brown eyes' but only if i am wearing makeup
i am sure if he had the chance to get a woman who has this tight body with a firm butt and bigger boobs he would jump on it in a heartbeat and fall madly in love with her. if she responded to him at all with the googly eyed look and big smile he would take advantage of it
i know what they are looking at. lots of men checked me out and many asked me to turn around so they can see my rearend. all ages of males have done this.
most attractive/ hourglass shape, muscle density is the 4th woman with reddish long hair
according to the husband
this relates to lyrics in the song my son wrote...
i dont look at their faces but their asses..goddamn i need some glasses
Physical body health appearance is most important of all things especially for women girls females
slim trim hourglass figure
flat stomach
tight muscles
firm ass butt legs stomach arms neck face
Wednesday, January 14, 2026
505 to 510 pm he was texting someone jan 13 2026 tuesday
in living room
he uses cell phone in his bedroom alot. carries it in hand looking at it walking up and down the stairs
1153 am he left 339 back wednesday jan 14 2026
says going by auto place grandview rd by old bargain factory car inspection
and getting milk maybe celery
probably aldis
How ass hole jerks narcs get by with it
put on phony public face
turn into mr hyde when no one else is around
go with flow keep up with traffic jones do what is common popular majority
mean to me nice to others
Tuesday, January 13, 2026
poor little me phrase he says i do he is abuser
and picked up term most likely from my youngest son
who also abuses then says people act like victims
His male buddies
single males men
he works on their stuff; cars, trucks, electronics, mowers,
he acts like he himself is single as if I am not even there and will
take off running to help them at any opportunity
and go places with them without asking me to go
Monday, January 12, 2026
Hoarder hoarding personality personalities I deal with
they keep old expired food medicine supplies paint chemicals prescription drugs drinks very old paperwork that should have been tossed in the trash years ago....virtually anything and everything piled up and they keep stocking up on this stuff
they throw terrible twos temper tantrums if anything is tossed or see anything moved around in their mind out of place, if they see a clean empty spot that used to be filled with something they get angry violent screaming yelling have a fit
they watch every move i make
it is like someone cut their arm or leg off if an item is moved missing or tossed in the garbage where it belongs
they love to get free stuff and buy buy buy more and more keep cramming it into spaces. if they don't have enough room at their house they use someone else's place or rent storage units
they have trouble deep cleaning any area, sorting and organizing things
feng shui room appeal is out of their ability. they will either load up rooms with decor decorations or have haphazard mismatched items out of place and it doesn't bother them to have many different patterns, colors, textures anywhere around.
people; john layson, marielle holman, mike
Clean up is my life
clean i loved as a child
grandma showed me how to deep clean
in my teens cleaning up other peoples houses dishes babysitting
in my 20s started painting home remodelling
each place i work at i have cleaned organized spiffied up the place
streamlined efficient minimalist organization
Sunday, January 11, 2026
Sick of being his middleman go between
everyone calls contacts me to get a hold if him
no one calls me
only businesses or scams call me
all neighbors call text him..sharon, alex. traci, mark pollock. ellen.
both my sons contact him not me
all people we know ..
tony darin kirk kenny gill
dorothy sherry his 2 living sisters
Saturday, January 10, 2026
Solution to everything. Be young. Look and act 14
Clean smoothe tight skin. Skinny. Shiny hair.
Firm muscles. Flexible body. Fluid movements. Limber
Taut hard tits boobs breasts butt buttocks ass legs arms body
Act innocent
Be curious enthusiastic
be willing to help and move and try almost anything
crawl on your hands and knees
climb a tree
bounce up and down
run in short bursts
look cute. cock your head sideways
giggle laugh smile
be active lots of movement
do gymnastics
Never gets anything or does things personally for me to make me happy
takes things others gave to me doesn't tell me about it like eating food tony gave him because i like popcorn and cheese puffs
Gut damage my whole life
bad milk. standard cheap adulterated homogenized pasteurized.
processed foods wheat rye barley oats tainted with wheat gluten. breads cakes pie crust pasta noodles . sugar excess soda pop, fruit juices. alcohol beer vodka whiskey rum gin tequila all alcohol makes. me sick. flour. gravy. canned soup ravioli. cornbread mix.
fake butter margarine oleo parkay imperial . manmade vegetable oils processed
i am allergic to all these things
childhood asthma skin boils rashes. teen years same and intense allergic reactions. severe acne scarring scars all over my face neck shoulders back arms . sick with colds flu virus bacteria infections often. missed school work due to being getting sick easily.
eczema knees severe. hives were unexplained. wheezing coughing sneezing.
swollen wrist joints top felt like hammer hit them
digestive system large small intestine gastritis duodenitis ulcers. cant digest food properly. vitamin mineral deficiency resulted
arthritis. degenerative disc disease. osteoarthritis.
vision impairment astigmatism farsighted presbyopia.
mood disorders suicide attempts bipolar manic depressive
sleep disorders insomnia or over sleeping
fatigue exhaustion
worsening of scoliosis. severe curvature of spine. feels like getting kicked by horse in middle of my back.
dizziness. confusion.
headaches severe migraines from any artificial sweeteners.
headaches from msg
get cold easily.
lack energy lethargic
No singing dancing smiling fun allowed around him
yet he watches other women in movies tapes dvds music videos sing dance run walk bike screw exercise have fun and wear sexy clothes
and blocks me from doing these things around him or in public view
bans me from singing biking dancing playing dance music i like wearing any sexy clothes where anyone else can see
not allowed to wear thong bikini no bra under shirt where my nipples are seen no clothes showing my butt cheeks like short shorts ...wear very little or no makeup .. dont do my hair fancy ..dont do flashy fingernails or wear any nice expensive jewelry.. no shiny clothes no glitter. no tatoos. yet he drools over looking. at other females girls women wearing cute revealing outfits lingerie
Friday, January 9, 2026
He is attracted to
negative bad forecasts . sees bad side of most people and things.
dirty old rotten stuff and people
news disasters porn vhs magazines
filth messes clutter
nasty food people places things
junk junkyards
probably sluts whores prostitutes like in videos
arguments fights wars politics
puts controversial bumper stickers on car and truck
wears hoodies with political messages alcatraz or other imprints printed material is offensive
ways to get as much money as possible
impulsively takes off to exercise shop park walks where else i dont know he used a nontrackable gpd unit in car and truck...and leaves messes behind all over house kitchen yard garage
Thursday, January 8, 2026
Wrong men my entire life
Men I dont want. Those are the ones who pursue me.
Men I want who dont want me.
Men who are bad males, make me feel bad about myself, bring out the worst in me. That is what I got my whole life.
Wrong inappropriate unsuitable males.
Criminals liars thieves perverts druggies alcoholics addicted ones. Psychos. Crazies.
Fools idiots morons dictators authoritarian males. Undesirables.. Losers. Failures. Dimwits.
Crazy insane men. Bad nasty dirty uncouth impolite rude ones.
Old men young men middle aged any age
Including co workers managers bosses family friends associates neighbors.
Creeps fools idiots morons. Derelicts.
Slavery and sex is all they want.
None brought out the best in me. No man wanted the best for me.
Selfish greedy prideful angry hateful vengeful lustful gluttonous lazy sloths slobs. Envious covetous ones. Neighbors and strangers, married husbands trying to get in my pants sometimes right in their wifes face. Some guys were fat, some obese some were skinny, some were muscle bound athletic . They are all over the place in many shapes sizes and colors. Many job categories. Anywhere and everywhere. My sister in laws husband. My neighbors man. My girlfriend neighbors son a teenager at the time. My uncles cousins brothers. Customers at my jobs. Strange men at stores where I shop. Men driving down the road stopping to get me when I am taking a walk.
Men approaching me at restaurants thrift stores grocery stores sams club parks.
Narrow minded black and white thinking
Loud mouth egotistical arrogant petty insidious imbeciles.
Two timing 2 faced vengeful haters
This does not mean all men are bad. Only the ones I have encountered.
If there is a good mature man for me I have not met him yet and have no knowledge of him on planet earth or in the universe.
It is a fantasy. A delusion that that man exists.
Monday, January 5, 2026
Is it right to make anyone fight?
Is it right to make men, women or children fight? To compete and draw blood.
Politics is about fighting.
Advertising, news, entertainment (movies, games), health industry focuses on the fight, the battle, the war on anything.
Some people like me don't want to fight but we are forced into it by people who think everything is a battle.
People who believe anything worth having requires hard work and is hard to get. Life is not a big beach for war mongers. It's an obstacle course in any direction.
It is a struggle everyday just to live and breathe. Tension is their diet of adrenaline in overdrive.
They may work hard yet don't enjoy much of anything. It is a push push rush of a world.
Meditation and contemplation is out of the question. Peace is not possible.
If they observe a peaceful pleasant person they have to say and do something to disrupt them.
They want to pick a fight about anything and everything.
They want to argue constantly. Chaos, insults. rudeness, selfishness, impatience are them.
They are a walking disaster. A breeding time bomb of destruction.
Were they born this way or were they created?
As they age they rarely smile and laugh. Their face is mean and angry.
They are in a big hurry heading nowhere.
I have done and do things I am not suited for and dont want to do
What would life be like if I did not do things I dont want to do and I had not tried things I cant do?
What if I only did what I want to do like so many men I know?
Unaware I used to be
of my beauty. I didnt think I looked that good. Never as beautiful as my mother.
Sunday, January 4, 2026
Saturday, January 3, 2026
Friday, January 2, 2026
Most men corner me alone some do it in front of others
angel gomez married roofer
guy at thrift independence
guy at cave springs park
don rogers jr
3 guys at troost muffler
January 21st xrays 27th neurosurgeon appt
surgery discussed
rods and screws to be put into my back
t10 down
will be stiff board straight back
i want mobility
if i cant walk or move suicide is the answer
why live if i am dead in a bed or wheelchair?
tired of being told and treated like i am worthless now. been going on over 30 years
Teenagers we are til the day we die
Mentally in the mind. Emotionally in the feelings I am a child teen. Wishes dreams desires hobbies interests the same.
However I was a little adult praised for my composure being well adjusted intelligent studious efficient neat clean organized.
I was never really the childish little girl who did silly things. had imaginary friends or did wrong things.
Fantasy worlds were not for me. I could always tell the difference between truth and fiction.
I knew Santa Claus and the easter bunny were lies.
Write what I know to be true.
I dont know anyone else who writes
journal diary blog
except one person my sister in law dorothy . we dont talk very often
essentially she is a nobody like me
we wont be missed when dead