I have hope. He has skeptism.
Saturday, October 31, 2020
Pretty women. Admire, lust after, Look at them in pictures and videos. don't look at me.
throw me a crumb once in awhile to string me along
rarely hug or kiss me
compare me to other women all of the time
say you love me cant live without me one minute
next minute throw me away like a piece of trash
Disrespect me. Ignore me. Tell me to shut up. Tell me I am stupid.
Tell me I don't do anything, I don't work. Try to make me feel
worthless. This has been going on for almost 29 years
and now realizing it is nothing new with him.
narcissist psychopath
narcissistic behavior
psychopathic
lacks empathy
controlling
Friday, October 30, 2020
Books and tools. A book is useless if you don't understand it like a tool is useless if you don't know how to use it.
Books and tools. A book is useless if you don't understand it like a tool is useless if you don't know how to use it.
Saturday, October 24, 2020
Every atom and cell in my body contains my entire life's experiences in conjunction with the universes.
Every atom and cell in my body contains my entire life's experiences
in conjunction with the universes.
My truth and my reality are only mine through my own experiences, understanding and remembering from the source.
My truth and my reality are only mine through my own experiences, understanding and remembering from the source. My body and soul are an entire world co-existing
in the universes.
I know what I want and why I want it. How, where, when or who is always open for acceptance and receiving what I desire.
I know what I want and why I want it. How, where, when or who is always open for acceptance and receiving what I desire.
Source energy from gut feeling finds what I look for.
I am responsble for how I feel. I choose the direction of my thoughts and feelings.
I am responsble for how I feel.
I choose the direction of my thoughts and feelings.
Confidence is opposite of egotism.
Confidence is opposite of egotism.
confidence is faith
faith is knowing naturally
egotism is insecurity and bragging upon the self
The individual spirit cannot be conquered by any other.
The individual spirit cannot be conquered by any other.
The spirit remains forever what it is.
Social awkardness is due to fear of criticism.
Social awkardness is due to fear of criticism.
The direct result of upbringing in the family.
Critical, perfectionistic parents devastate the child
with constant expectations of perfections
and the fear of making any mistake.
They shame, humiliate and
call the child bad, stupid, worthless, an idiot, a fool
if the child does anything the parent thinks is wrong
or a mistake.
Name calling and identifying the child as "bad", the
"bad behavior" instead of calling the behavior
inappropriate are tactics used to try to control
the child.
This causes much
suffering to the child's
sense of self, of adventure and creativity. Inhibiting the
child's natural desire to explore.
Awkwarndness, timidity, shyness and the desire to stay
away from people are the result.
The child grows up to be an adult who is just as critical of
others as the parents were to them
and never feels worthy enough, good enough
or deserving of joy, happiness, respect
because they were not respected as a child.
Everything is in plain sight. Evidence is everywhere. There are no secrets.
Everything is in plain sight. Evidence is everywhere. There are no secrets.
Memento. Souvenir. Talisman. Picture. Photograph.
Memento. Souvenir. Talisman. Picture. Photograph.
An object, a thing, something to remember a thing by.
Represents feelings and emotions of desire.
Powerful for visualizing desire. Aids in drawing/attracting
what you want.
Identify with desire. Material things are easy to get, to acquire,
to accumulate.
Spriritual/feelings is the easiest way, the first way to allow and draw into
your life what you desire.
keepsake, remembrance, token, relic, reminder, trophy,
memorial, vestige, trace, remembrancer
Feel good? Life forms want to be around you.
Feel good? Life forms want to be around you.
They feel comfortable because you are not a threat.
You love and will not hurt, harm or kill them.
People: children, teens, adults and animals: wild or pets
want to be close to your warmth,
beauty, kindness, sweetness and positive energy.
Plants grow well.
Energy is felt by all things, all that is in the universes.
Bliss. Happiness. What feels good and right? Feel it. Do it.
Bliss. Happiness. What feels good and right? Feel it. Do it.
Imagination. Feeling. Faith. Belief. Knowing. Thought form first.
Feel, intuit before physical manifestation occurs.
"First thought is God, second thought is devil/doubt"
a woman told me many years ago.
"God" and "Devil" are words we use to describe
good/ evil
Notice the letters:
g o d ... and g o o d
d e v i l ............. e v i l
beneficial to life
destructive to life
Clean pipes are healthy. Clogges pipes are unhealthy.
Clean pipes are healthy. Clogges pipes are unhealthy.
Our bodies are full of "pipes", tubes, hoses. It is a system of rivers, streams
of atoms constantly moving, flowing and must be fluid and flexible to
be healthy.
Clogged pipes in the system back up toxins into the body and cause
much distress, illness, sickness, misery, negativity and result in early death.
Keeping the gateways open is imperative to total mind and body --which
are one in the same-- health and happiness
Blank paper and a pen thrill me. It is exciting to create and record thoughts, ideas, past, present and future. The possibilites are endless and open like the vast universes/universal consciousness.
Blank paper and a pen thrill me. It is exciting to create and record thoughts,
ideas, past, present and future. The possibilites are endless and open like the
vast universes/universal consciousness.
Wednesday, October 21, 2020
Listen to the (bad) news and lose. People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry.
Listen to the (bad) news and lose. People love it when you lose,
they love dirty laundry.
Tuesday, October 20, 2020
News focuses primarily on bad things, induces stress, anxiety, raises cortisol levels
therefore promoting illness and early death. It is slanted in a downward
direction of destruction. It encourages group and mob mentality thinking and
discourages individual recognition of true and natural instincts and
being yourself.
I am aware of the news and I avoid its attempt to influence
my natural self. I briefly watch some of it and
repel its negativity instead of soaking it up into my system or my soul.
It appeals to our sense of protecting ourselves from dangers of
being hurt or killed; a natural born instinct all life forms have.
It artificially induces undue stress based upon our natural fear
of real things that my hurt or kill us.
News promotes ideas based on irrational feelings of fear,
war, wars
negative, negativity,
money, material things,
fake, phoniness
competition
fighting
murders
disasters
separating people
News is designed to keep people stoned, drunk, out of synch,
out of touch with their true self,
make them compare themselves with others,
feel envious, gluttonous, greedy, lacking as if
they are not good enough unless they look like that,
have that thing, able to go to that place, feel insignificant, worthless
as if their true self is never good enough.
It propels one who has lost touch with themselves
to feel anxious, scared, angry, mean, hateful, unable to
accurately sift through the garbage info of lies it often tells
and causes much distress.
Step outside of it. Observe it from afar, from a distance and keep
it at "arm's length" (a long distance) instead of sucking it up
emotionally and taking it personally.
10-10-2020
Monday, October 19, 2020
"Grandma, You're going to get a new house for Christmas."
"Grandma, You're going to get a new house for Christmas."
He told me this about a month ago.
Last Sunday my son, Clayton, Damon's dad, told me he now has
his own record label. I said, "That's great! I have waiting for years
for you to have your own label! Artists make money and you make
residual income."
Saturday night (10-17-2020) Damon, my grandson, gave me a piece of paper
and told me to write down what I want my house to have.
Think and do what feels good and right. I am naturally drawn to something or someone that makes me feel good.
Think and do what feels good and right. I am naturally drawn to something
or someone that makes me feel good.
Anything, any activity or live being thay makes me feel happy is what I want to
be around. My instincts are always right. My instinct to survive has
always been there. All I do is listen to it and follow the good feelings.
I am naturally repelled by any activity, anything that makes me feel bad so I can choose to avoid it or ignore it.
Anything or live being that may cause unhappiness, pain or death are what I avoid.
My grandson, age 6, begs for me to stay with him every day.
My grandson, age 6, begs for me to stay with him every day.
"Grandma, can you
please stay tonight? Can you stay Sunday night to Friday night? Please.
I am asking you to please stay. Tell Mike (my husband) and I want him to say okay
that you can stay here with me. I like having you around."
"Can you live with us, Grandma? I'd like that."
I captured a video of him saying he wants me to stay on October 11, 2020
I asked him some questions last night.
"Are you afraid of me?" "No", he said.
"Do you trust me?" "Yes", he said.
"Why do you want me to stay?" "Because I like having you around", he answered.
"Why?" I asked.
Because I like it when you're here.
"Do you love me?" I asked him. "Yes", he said.
"Do you know what calm is?" I asked him. "Yes", he said.
"Do you feel calm when I am around?" "Yes", he said.
Watch it, whine about it, work on it or ignore it. It's your choice.
Watch it, whine about it, work on it or ignore it. It's your choice.
Am I happy? The only question I need to ask myself all day every day.
Am I happy? The only question I need to ask myself all day every day.
Friday, October 16, 2020
Why You Should Stop Watching The News Cut it out. Improve your business. Improve your life.
Why You Should Stop Watching The News
Cut it out. Improve your business. Improve your life.
“There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
7 Reasons Why You Should Stop Watching The News
The news is depressing
Many news outlets try to throw in a few positive or cute stories every now and then, but I’d estimate that the ratio of negative to positive stories for the vast majority of them is at least 9:1.
So every time you watch or read the news, you’re feeding yourself an overwhelming amount of negativity which infects your thoughts.
Napoleon Hill wrote about the power of our thoughts in Think and Grow Rich:
Our brains become magnetized with the dominating thoughts which we hold in our minds, and, by means with which no man is familiar, these “magnets” attract to us the forces, the people, the circumstances of life which harmonize with the nature of our dominating thoughts.
In other words, the predominant thoughts you allow into your mind actually affect your reality.
Knowing this, I’m not sure why anyone would subject themselves to all the negativity in the traditional news media.
Not when optimism is such a crucial ingredient to success in life and business.
If you really want your news fix, ditch the negative stuff and subscribe to some positive news sources instead.
The news is a poor representation of reality
At this point you might raise an objection:
“But Niall, you’re just ignoring the real issues, deluding yourself to believe that the world is all sunshine and rainbows. That’s not realistic!”
Yes, I guess you could say I’m deluding myself, but no more than those people who do watch the news. I’d argue that their view of the world is just as skewed, if not more so.
They’re led to believe that the world is a brutal and heartless place. All that bad news breeds fear and distrust. Aspiring entrepreneurs have the wind knocked out of them by daily reports of economic crisis and companies gone bust.
News consumption engenders the belief that failure lurks around every corner. Don’t take any risks, better to play it safe!
That’s not the world I want to live in.
In fact, it’s a world I can’t afford to live in when my goal is to build a successful online business.
Now I’m not advocating that you avert your eyes whenever you walk by a TV tuned to CNN, or recoil from every newspaper like a vampire from sunlight.
- What I am suggesting is that you stop going out of your way to invite all that negativity into your life in the first place.
Tuesday, October 13, 2020
Mike & I went to the P.O. at Red Bridge and Blue Ridge, Longview Lake to walk, Hyvee raytown to mail the pkg--the p.o. closed right before 5pm--the mail carrier at home never made to our house today and I had the pkg sitting next to the box since 9 am. Then to Subway Raytown 350 hwy--he was wanting protein by the time we were done walking at the lake, weak and shaky, he said he was.
Then to Savealot grocery shopping. All I wanted to get was milk at savealot. I usually go alone, much calmer.
Ended up with several sweets and processed stuff that feeds yeast and the usual control battles that end up in a useless fight when we
shop together. So I am up past 1 am now and feeling so much better due to epiphanies about life
( understanding what the heck is really going on and what has been going on since day one of my life), enjoying pure peace and solitude so I can relax and sleep until tomorrow's whatever the heck is going to happen. And he hit the sack around midnight, had calmed
himself down, was being nice and gentle, after I left the living room an hour and a half earlier when he exploded with rage.
He had assumed I "forgot" to lock the van after we brought in a few groceries so he locked it then I went right back out
there to get something and put the dash visor on just like he assumed he knew a whole bunch of other things and he
was wrong in his assumptions.
He second guesses me most of the time and has done it since day one, as I realize now, 29 almost 30 years
since I have been with him here December 15, 1991.
He has listened to me on some things, one of which is paying off the house back in 1998, and then he believes
that it was his idea to pay off the house when I was the one who told him the banks and mortage companies
dole out 30 year loans because they know something is bound to happen during that time and you will
not be able to pay the house payment then they can repossess the house and sell it over and over
again the same way car lots finance and repo cars.
He questions each and every thing I say and do. He seeks advice from outsiders, others, the public,
the media, the tv, "friends", his family members, most of which are dead now and desires full
control of all things and situations.
I can write books full of anecdotes of the skepticism, pessimism, doubts, fears, accusations, threats
and me being knowing, optimistic, hopeful, courageous, encouraging, faithful, tenacious, understanding,
calm, patient at my core
then me being nasty because I am treated like I am hated and unloved, turning
into a bitch due to being told I am stupid, told that I am worthless, a thing worth less than a piece of dirt.
Hearing from him the current view of how can people become so fat, so overweight, so disgusting
each and every time we are anywhere. He said it again tonight while we
sat in the parking lot at Hy-Vee in Raytown, Missouri while observing
some people walking into the store,
The same comments he has made since day one.
Every time we go out to eat.
Every time he sees anyone anywhere.
The same judgement and paranoia instilled by mother and family.
He says The parents are fat, it's in the genes, the kids are going to be fat.
I say: It is the lifestyle, what you are eating, drinking and doing that
determines your looks. He disagrees.
In the morning he will change
back into Dr. Jekyll.
"He loves me with his second (other) brain" is what I have experienced in every instance around any man/male of adolescent age or older with the exceptions of my father and my sons.
"He loves me with his second (other) brain" is what I have experienced in every instance around any man/male of adolescent age or older with the exceptions of my father and my sons.
10-13-2020
Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell
"He loves me for my brains" may apply to some women but in my life's experiences it hasn't applied to me.
"He loves me for my brains" may apply to some women but in my life's experiences it hasn't applied to me.
"He loves me with his second (other) brain" is what I have experienced in every instance around any man/male of adolescent age or older with the exceptions of my father and my sons.
10-13-2020
Sarah Wilson Stillwell
Monday, October 12, 2020
I eat to live not live to eat.
I eat to live not live to eat.
You are what you eat.
Monkey see, monkey do.
Call a spade a spade.
October 6, 2020.
Wisdom sometimes comes with age. Old fools are common and abundant. A toddler, a child, a teenager often has more wisdom than an old person.
Wisdom sometimes comes with age. Old fools are common and abundant.
A toddler, a child, a teenager, a youthful person often has more common sense and wisdom than an old person.
Some of us have or did have textbook smarts and lack common sense throughout life.
Saturday, October 10, 2020
Epiphany. Realization Knowing Instincts
Snow White is my life story
Angel
Angelic
Beauty
Beautiful
Gorgeous
Wicked stepmother
Men, males desire
Eye candy
Interesting
Intelligent
Intellectual
Natural
Easy going
Aware
Flexible
Friday, October 9, 2020
Tremendous back pain after eating only one meal today. Pictures husband took of back October 8, 2020.
Tremendous back pain after eating only one meal today. Pictures husband took of my back
October 8, 2020.
38 degree curve. Severe levoscoliosis. Severe levoconvex curvature and scoliosis of the lumbar spine.
Still weighing 125 lbs (varies between 124 to 129) since late April and May 2020.
Used to be 5'5 1/2" tall, shrunk to 5' 3 3/4". Haven't measured actual height lately.
Thank goodness I am not overweight otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to
move much at all.
I want to know what that spot is on the right side of my back. It has been
there for many years and has shrunken. It used to be a lot bigger, a hard,
scaley area of skin. A lump under the skin. I also have one on the top of
my right thigh and one above my left knee on my thigh, both have become
a whole lot smaller lately. I have used many things to get rid of those lumps.
Recently I have been putting whole fat greek yogurt on the bumps on my
legs and put some yogurt on my face and neck.
Got up at 9 am today after finally falling asleep at 3 am. He went to
bed at 1:40 am.
He left for 4 hours today: noon to 4 pm and I managed to clean up some
things in my bedroom and vacuum the main hallway and my bedroom,
sweep some stairs and outside. Cleaning anything is so much easier to
do when I am by myself.
I only ate one meal today at 6 pm after having 2 red apples a few hours earlier.
Chicken sandwich: toast (one piece of pumpernickel bread, one piece of white bread),
thousand island dressing, plain yellow mustard, a lot of lettuce, hamburger dill pickles, yellow onion; 4
home grown cherry tomatoes, cooked cauliflower with broccoli, celery, onion,
best choice cheese like velveeta, 3 sticks of sargento cheddar. Added
hot sauce (Carolina Reaper) and ate a a few hot fresh hot peppers. This would make
a good dip for chips or veggies.
Before I ate, my husband rubbed and pushed on my back. He took some pictures
before I ate.
It hurt so bad on an empty stomach. We both heard cracking sounds in my
vertebrae while he pushed on the left side hump of my back. Pain radiated
on the left and right side down to my legs. We are trying to fix this issue
on our own. I held my leg up in the air while he held my ankle, then my
foot and I pushed down--resistance.
He says, "It is worrisome. Your back is getting worse. I don't know what I can
do to fix it. "
I am learning more about the simplicity of man and woman.
I want to fix these issues. Over ten years ago I said "You can watch it,
whine about it or work on it" when I was visiting my step grandpa.
The back pain was bad before I ate and almost unbearable after I ate, bringing me
to the point of tears. I had to lay down in the recliner for over an hour after eating.
Fell asleep until 8:11 pm. Woke up groggy, still in pain. Then pushed myself
to get out since I hadn't gone anywhere today and we went for a walk
to the trail close by my house with my husband. Our black cat, Thin Lizzy/Black
Betty followed us during the entire walk; the first time she has ever done that.
Decided to try a full body lymph massage on husband. First, he was on his back then
he laid on his stomach. He said massaging his feet felt really good. Did his back last.
Tight shoulder muscles, as always.
Going to research lymphatic system. What causes such sore muscles; lactic acid
buildup, how to not have pain to begin with.
Almost one o'clock in the morning. Tired but awake and the severe pain has subsided for awhile.
Decided to post.
Wednesday, October 7, 2020
I have often wondered if he sleeps with his lawn mower and chainsaws.
I have often wondered if he sleeps with his lawn mower and chainsaws.
And he does.
Tuesday, October 6, 2020
Monday, October 5, 2020
College? School? Back to basics I knew and learned as a child. I am a child in an adult body.
College? School? Back to basics I knew and learned as a child. I am a child in an adult body.
Formal education for me has always been blocked by every man
I have known, worked with and been with on an intimate level.
I could state names but what is the point? I can remember the
many jobs I have had and recall what happened. I remember
schools attended.
Men/boys don't want me to learn how to do what they do,
they don't want to teach me, they don't want me to do the things
that men do. They want me to be a female/ a woman, a girl.
I remember one incident when I worked at a
plastic factory. I was more comfortable moving around and
curious about how to maintain the machines so I asked the guy
how he went about doing it. He said, "If I show you how, you
would have my job."
Patience: One virtue I am told that I have.
Patience: One virtue I am told that I have.
A few years before my grandson was born on April 11, 2014
my youngest son and daughter in law came by on Mother's Day
and gave me a beautiful picture of feet walking in the sand
with one word below it: Patience
My ex mother in law, Patty Mertz told me I must have the
patience of a saint after I had been with her son, Ed, for
two years and managed to deal with him.
Many people have told me that.
I have dealt with many impatient people my entire life and
I am still alive. I know how to wait.
10-5-2020
Sarah Wilson Stillwell
Haptitude: Happy Attitude
Haptitude: Happy Attitude.
Most likely to happen when basic needs of life are met.
When understanding reaches the point of realization.
It goes beyond memorizing trivia.
It is as plain and simple as a happy baby
who has loving and understanding parents
that provide the physical and emotional needs/requirements
for survival and joy. The baby smiles because he/she feels good.
The baby instinctively knows what feels good. All people,
regardless of age, instinctively know what feels good.
Animals know what feels good. No one has to teach anyone
what feels good.
Smiling babies are winners. Smiling people are winners.
10-5-2020 Sarah Wilson Stillwell
Saturday, October 3, 2020
Woman leaves a man because of the way he treats her.
Woman leaves a man because of the way he treats her. His money, material things, his hard work, his
good looks or physique, his resourcefulness are obliterated from her mind when he
acts like an ass by being selfish, verbally/physically abusive and does not appreciate her
like he did in the beginning.
It is very simple. 2 or 3 year old children know this.
How and why do adult males lose this childlike knowledge?
This basic reason is why I left the company of any person, male or female
during my entire life.
We desire the company of nice people not nasty ones.
10-3-2020 Sarah Wilson Stillwell
"If my back looked like that I'd be whining and complaining and unable to do much of anything"
"If my back looked like that I'd be whining and complaining and unable to do much of
anything", our friend Kirk said yesterday after my husband pulled my shirt up and
showed him my twisted spine. The 38 degree curve. MRI and xrays in April, 2019.
I am 5' 3 3/4" due to spine shrinkage and vertebral displacement and weigh
125 lbs on average. I am slim. Thank goodness. If I had extra weight to haul
around it would be even tougher and more painful than it is.
Kirk is a few years older than me. He is very slim and muscular.
He can hang onto a tree limb and support his entire body weight like an ape!
I think Kirk is proud of me. Or just amazed?
I said, "I've been working on this for years and can squat like this (legs spread out
like you are supposed to do when squat outside to go to the bathroom) now.
I can do the splits! I started out by laying on my back and stretching my legs out.
Several
years ago I couldn't even squat without falling down. I am dealing with this and
have learned alot over the years and I choose to do something about it instead of
whine and complain. The doctors (M.D.s) just want to prescribe temporary
pain medications/ prescription drugs (such as tramadol) for a month, over the counter tylenol/acetaminophen or advil/
ibuprofen which I haven't taken since April, 2009, then they want me to wait
until it gets worse. Until it gets so bad they can cut me open to perform surgery
that would cost thousands and thousands of dollars, putting money in their
pockets and not solving the problem, just making it worse."
Kirk came over so my husband could fix things on his vehicle. We talked about
food, health, nutrition, exercise. Natural things. Remedies.
He talked about lymphatic massage therapy. I think he is onto something.
It's about air, water, sunshine, food. Proper exercise. Attitude.
Lifestyle. Nature. Nurture. Moderation.
What does it take to feel good? It's about doing things you love. Doing the things that make you so happy and joyful you come alive.
What does it take to feel good? It's about doing things you love. Doing the things that make you so happy and joyful you come alive. The whole world sees your joy and appreciates your beauty in your
happiness. Humans and animals desire your company. They want to be around you when you
are smiling, laughing, playful and fun loving.
You look good when you feel good.
It isn't about doing something just because you can do it like any robot can.
When I do robot work my mind and spirit wander off into space as I quickly and
efficiently perform the necessary task so I can have more time to really enjoy
myself thinking about and doing what I love to do.
10-3-2020 Sarah Wilson Stillwell
Friday, October 2, 2020
I saw true love and admiration in his eyes, on his face a few hours ago.
You are so beautiful when you do what you love, he said.
Yes, that is true of everyone, I said.
Think of something you love to do that makes you feel good, not
just some thing that you can do. Some thing that makes you come alive.
A thought, a thing that makes you happy.
I am such a lucky man, he said, again.
How can you stay so young?
How can you be so beautiful when most women your age
are overweight and look terrible? He says I am almost 60.. he focuses on
biological age. Not me.
I ignore it. In my mind I am 27. I am 18. I am 16. I remember me so well.
I love to dance. I was dancing. He played George Michael's music
I love it. Prince. Inxs. Robert Plant, simply irresistable.
He made room on the living room floor so I could dance.
Thursday, October 1, 2020
A man who loves his mother is a good man. Grandma Sarah's words.
A man who loves his mother is a good man. Grandma Sarah's words.
Inventions I had. Never got patents.
Inventions I had. Never got patents.
Vitamin water
Jeans/pants with zipper in middle
Pen/pencil holders to grip and keep from rolling off table/flat surface
Mop slippers
Bottle bags I designed made and sew/sewed in 1991 for the fair festivals civil war reenactments where my mother in law sold homemade root beer lemonade cherry drinks out of old fashioned bottles. bags had to be of the era with no zippers velcro or anything on them. later that year i went into a walmart and saw newly designed bags with zippers and other types of items like plastic
Neighborhood news letter
someone else took hold of idea filed for patent, trademark, copyright and are credited for these and many other ideas
invent
idea ideas not pursued until completion
broke why am I
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