Mike & I went to the P.O. at Red Bridge and Blue Ridge, Longview Lake to walk, Hyvee raytown to mail the pkg--the p.o. closed right before 5pm--the mail carrier at home never made to our house today and I had the pkg sitting next to the box since 9 am. Then to Subway Raytown 350 hwy--he was wanting protein by the time we were done walking at the lake, weak and shaky, he said he was.

Then to Savealot grocery shopping. All I wanted to get was milk at savealot. I usually go alone, much calmer. 

Ended up with several sweets and processed stuff that feeds yeast and the usual control battles that end up in a useless fight when we

shop together. So I am up past 1 am now and feeling so much better due to epiphanies about life 

( understanding what the heck is really going on and what has been going on since day one of my life), enjoying pure peace and solitude so I can relax and sleep until tomorrow's whatever the heck is going to happen. And he hit the sack around midnight, had calmed 

himself down, was being nice and gentle, after I left the living room an hour and a half earlier when he exploded with rage. 

He had assumed I "forgot" to lock the van after we brought in a few groceries so he locked it then I went right back out 

there to get something and put the dash visor on just like he assumed he knew a whole bunch of other things and he

was wrong in his assumptions. 

He second guesses me most of the time and has done it since day one, as I realize now, 29 almost 30 years 

since I have been with him here December 15, 1991. 

He has listened to me on some things, one of which is paying off the house back in 1998, and then he believes

that it was his idea to pay off the house when I was the one who told him the banks and mortage companies

dole out 30 year loans because they know something is bound to happen during that time and you will

not be able to pay the house payment then they can repossess the house and sell it over and over

again the same way car lots finance and repo cars. 

He questions each and every thing I say and do. He seeks advice from outsiders, others, the public,

the media, the tv, "friends", his family members, most of which are dead now and desires full

control of all things and situations.  

I can write books full of anecdotes of the skepticism, pessimism, doubts, fears, accusations, threats

and me being knowing, optimistic, hopeful, courageous, encouraging, faithful, tenacious, understanding,

calm, patient at my core

then me being nasty because I am treated like I am hated and unloved, turning 

into a  bitch due to being told I am stupid, told that I am worthless, a  thing worth less than a piece of dirt.

Hearing from him the current view of how can people become so fat, so overweight, so disgusting

each and every time we are anywhere. He said it again tonight while we 

sat in the parking lot at Hy-Vee in Raytown, Missouri while observing

some people walking into the store,

The same comments he has made since day one.

Every time we go out to eat. 

Every time he sees anyone anywhere. 

The same judgement and paranoia instilled by mother and family. 

He says The parents are fat, it's in the genes, the kids are going to be fat.

I say: It is the lifestyle, what you are eating, drinking and doing that

determines your looks.  He disagrees.

In the morning he will change

back into Dr. Jekyll.