Friday, February 28, 2025

Back surgery wil be scheduled at Wasington University St Louis, Missouri in near future

 February 26 2025 appointment with orthopedic surgeon bouloussa university health lakewood kansas city missouri

dr ordered dexa scan, ct scan, refer to wash u for surgery

made appointment yesterday for ct computerized t march 12 2025 2 pm

runaround phone calls to set up dexa bone density test have to wait until monday when woman will call me to make appointment. have to wait for results. if bone density too low will have to wait 6 months to have surgery. he said would give me calcium supplements if that is so. i dont want to wait until i am 65 to have this major surgery operation.


t12 and below vertebrae rods and screws on both sides


My parents grandparents were supportive strong

 their teaching and models may be the only thing that keeps me going


Focus on one thing is true intelligence

Thursday, February 27, 2025

His friends buddies are

 mostly unwanted alone single some old men no woman wants



feb. 26 2025 again he said i havent seen him really mad or angry

 so i said oh then tell me what angry really is

you will see blood he said


Solitude. The only way writing gets done

Outsmarting a stupid or crazy person is one of the hardest things to do

 if you cant predict what they will do 

you dont know all past behavior

and you dont know what all they do when not in your presence

you cant read their mind, dont know their plans

impulsive behavior is frequent which is unplanned

they fly off the handle

you walk on eggshells


Wednesday, February 26, 2025

WAKE UP LITTLE SUZY SUSIE WAKE UP!! i FINALLY WOKE UP TO REALITY ....

FACE IN THE PHONE. LOOK AWAY AND PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING BUT HIM. EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES TO ME. IGNORE.

HIS EYES LIGHT UP SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN. NOT ME. HE AVOIDS LOOKING AT ME.......AND USED TO LOVE TO SEE MY FACE

 SO HE NOW SAYS ISNT SHE PRETTY TO AND ABOUT OTHERS NEVER ME.


WHY DOES HE WANT TO GO THE DOCTOR VISIT WITH ME TODAY????

 ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON VIEWING MY XRAY RESULTS AND GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO EXPECT AND WHAT OPTIONS I HAVE..

HE NEVER HAD ANY INTEREST IN MY HEALTH BEFORE SO WHY NOW ALL OF THE SUDDEN/????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

sudden fake feigned interest in my health after 33 years of ignoring me and denying me health care ??!!


COVER YOUR ASS HE SAYS TO ME...WHILE HE VIEWS NAKED PORN VIDS AND MAGAZINES OFTEN.....

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AND SO HAPPY ABOUT??? HE ASKED ME A LONG TIME AGO.....

 AND IT WAS A LITTLE THING LOTS OF SMALL STUFF I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR..THINGS HE CAN NEVER SHOW ANY GRATITUDE FOR....

Happiness HERE NOW! Healthy, wealthy, wise and free. I have lots of TRUE friends and family!

Grandma said insane jealousy is very common. Trash/trashy people are jealous and envious....

 and would love to have what I have


Toss all trash including and especially trashy people !!!!!

Unaware of people watching me. They do even though I don't know it. I am not paranoid so I have failed to know this in the past.

Memories are the most of what I have. Future is bleak. If there is any ..

Fruit trees I wanted. He never planted. Apple, peach, pear. Cost of fruit is higher than heck $2.00 lb or more pears, apples, peaches

 30 years ago I began talking about having fruit trees planted in our yard. The trees would be flourishing now if he had have planted the right trees. Instead he has gone through planting worthless apple tree and some hybrid fruit cocktail tree both of which he dug up and got rid of because they produced little to nothing. 

Change mind: Change location and playmates makes REAL changes

 I can change my mind all I want ...until I change my location and the people I associate with I wont see real change. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2025

can you spot 10 signs childish adult

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/can-you-spot-10-signs-childish-adult#:~:text=Signs%20of%20emotional%20childishness%20include,attention%2C%20or%20engage%20in%20bullying.



He does all of these childish things and acts like this daily. He is 63 years old. Almost 64.

Death is not so bad. It only happens once.

My life is over.

 just woke up from a nap. was dreaming. Realized my life is over.


Heaven: A cup of coffee

Monday, February 24, 2025

122 lbs pounds today. i dont know why. lost 3 to 4 lbs

age 15 16 so sweet i was cute

 guys all after me then and for many years 

girls hate me

i didnt know why

now still learning 



 https://www.yourtango.com/2016292581/what-men-really-think-about-small-boobs#top-header-social-share

he cant stand new things . only comfortable in familiar places people activities

I will dress the way I want

 Not listen to him ever again

Many items he doesnt want me to wear including anything showing my figure and beauty

Corset. Belts. High heels. Sexy sandals boots.. stockings. Push up bras revealing my chest breasts in any fashion. Short shorts. Any revealing my rearend butt cheeks.  

IT IS always a woman that inspires

Crass, rude, rough, mean, selfish monster

 vulgar, impolite, savage, sneaky sneaking around, corrupt, fake, phony, 

HE IS terrible and was raised to be that way

There is NO changing him or teaching him

the only way is to be absent as much as possible and remain indifferent

be quiet and do not tell him any plans I have for anything


that man or woman is a loser who cant enjoy little things..the miracles of life and living

Walk away Smiling .. even though covered with shit smears !!!!

 like Carrie in the movie..covered with pigs blood ..she was smiling and regained her power over all of the fools...

like game of thrones queens and princesses in all of the fairy tales...cinderella, snow white, sleeping beauty, alice in wonderland

I will still smile like the mona lisa even after living with dealing with these self centered narcos


Respect is absent from him. Sarcastic MF

Indifference: Observe and not absorb the BAD. I need to master this art. Quit trying to fix and help the suffering abusive narc.

Health issue causes explained/discovered

 Chronic fatigue, exhaustion, autoimmune disorders: excema, 
anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, wanting to die, 
ulcers, digestive system disruptions, inability to absorb nutrients from food

All due to living with frustrated angry dictatorial narc narcissist. Fearmonger. Monster. 

The doctor did my blood tests and could not find reason for my sporadic fatigue. Test results look good. 
They can't test for whatever it is that causes emotional upset due to chronic daily psychic, emotional, verbal, physical attacks, threats threatening behavior from abusive person.

IF I can master the art of observing and not absorbing then I can be happy, joyful like my true self.



Sunday, February 23, 2025

Man who doesnt listen to woman

 hears her concerns calls them complaints

lives a miserable life

ends up alone and doesnt know why

acts like he lives alone

does not consider her needs wants feelings 

is rude inconsiderate



My lack of ability to exercise at home is killing me

Adjectives describing him

 obtuse, incorrigible, selfish, rude, talks over me, rude, pushy, forceful, arrogant, prideful, disgusting, attracted to all things nasty bad negative dirty filthy pornographic defiling 
hateful, mean, uses people, doesn't want to tip at restaurants, doesnt way to pay, cheapskate,
take over personality, cunning, sneaky, criminal, corrupt, territorial, thinks he knows it all and accuses me of being that way and all the other negative ways he is
scared frightened will not admit fear is angry all the time and wont cry like i do
has no consideration care of affect he has on me, inconsiderate
impatient, drives too fast like a maniac at times, 
authoriarain, dictator, dictatorial, archie bunker type, 
bully, name calling, calls other ugly stupid incapable
nobody can do the task or job as well as him 
give no one else credit for anything good unless it is political like trump and those conspiracy news people

rash, impulsive, sporadic, spontaneous, moody, 
prejudice, prejudiced, 
inflexible, stubborn, stiff
spiteful, vengeful
easily influenced by peers when a child, teenager, young adult
experimented with gas gasoline sniffing, alcohol, smoking weed, cigarettes, different drugs




May 12, 2013 Mother's Day Card.

 May 12, 2013 Mother's Day Card.

"From Your Son. Mom, I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror

this morning, and I just thought I'd tell you... Nice job! Happy Mother's Day"

he wrote inside the card:

"Mom, You gave birth to a healthy baby boy 30 years ago who can look in the

mirror with pride and confidence. The memories I have about my childhood are

full of happiness. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would do it so I could

relive those wonderful moments.  A mother may have a tendency to judge one's

performance based on the health, happiness and well-being of their child. I hope to be the

living testament reflection of your best characteristics. I am your proof that you were a

great mother and I wouldn't have traded you for the world. My Tear Drop (written next

to tear stain on card).  Love, Clayton"

Restaurants I have worked at

 Sambos 601 NW Blue Pkwy, Lee's Summit, MO 64063 
and  9400 Blue Ridge Blvd, Kansas City, MO 64138

McDonalds Lee's Summit, MO

Shoneys  87th & Blue Ridge Blvd, Kansas City, MO

Joes Restaurant  11102 Blue Ridge Blvd, Kansas City, MO 64134

Waffle House  Belton, MO


Saturday, February 22, 2025

I need help from most powerful force in universe

Silence from victim is demanded from abuser

 constantly looking for the quiet ones and telling her/him to keep quiet shut to fffkkk up dont tell anybody ..you better not say anything.. followed by threats of harm such as physical attacks on the victim or the ones the victims cares about and loves such as children pets family members


Dress very conservatively. Show only tiny amount of skin around him.

Skinny fat I am

I cannot work with or around any straight man

 hardly any men. only ones who are not attracted to me. there were a few who werent and that was only way i could work and not have to put up with childish behavior from starved lustful animals


worked with a guy walt was like him

 this guy was a nervous frrking wreck perfectionist shaky . thiugjt he knew it all regarding work. couldnt work with anyone else constant complaining

had to turn every job into an ordeal of insane misery

wouldnt leave me alone begging for sex a childush immature porni lover who spited me when i quit working with him painting houses by writing my name and phone number in sex booth at adult vid store in grandview missouri

he told me i would marry you in a new york minute



I am out of shape not toned thanks to him restricting my activities at home

 he takes over things i can do myself

like sweeping vacuuming dishes floor care grocery shopping 

and he is a spot cleaner never deep cleaning


Never bend over, wear tight fitting or see thru clothes around him

 never bounce, exercise like yoga or stretching,

no dancing, movement at all

remain like a stiff statue dressed in baggy clothes or mens clothing

Friday, February 21, 2025

Biggest mistake. Living with wrong people

 very biggest mistakes i ever made in my life is always related to misery heartache failure caused by living with people that dont match my love intellect enthusiasm joy zest passion


Happy kind people with positive good attitude wanted. Desperately needed.

He falls for some scams.

 Like the top heaters he just bought. An ad infomercial he saw. He also sends money to alex jones and mike lindell and god knows who else. He will not listen to any information/truth about these people and fiercely defends them and their supposedly altruistic causes.


Finances are separate. Good news. ONE thing he has no control of or knowledge of. My bank and transactions.

No person. No doctor is going to help or fix him

 I live with this. No one else experiences it. Master of changing his faces rapidly. I am sure I havent seen them all. 

He expects the worst in literally everything. Negative, doubtful, suspicious. Says "It's a scam. I don't believe it. I can't understand. You will never be able to do that. That won't work. It's impossible. "

Then he falls for scams....


Thursday, February 20, 2025

He is annoyed/annoying in most every way each day

 frustrated, oppositional. Denies anything wrong with him. Projects his behavior upon me. Blames me for his bad attitude, anger, temper tantrums.


he eats when not hungry. says its annoying when i eat

He thinks he has to get back home before dark>>>always

 when i say there are 24 hours in the day

lots of people are active all through the evening

you dont have to do everything during daylight when sun is up


Old people and the news

 some have nothing else to do but listen to news watch media on tv or internet

i have seen many friends and family members end up sitting around watching news and tv and eventually they are dead

complaining, judging, fearful, inactive dont live their own life but live it through the media

how terrible



Freedom in my mind, my thoughts is the only way to feel free.

I'd rather be dead than live in jail. Liberty or death.

Light is up there out of this cave trap jail box. Open the door and let it in.

He can't go to a nice restaurant and eat. Fast food all the way. Drive thru preferable.

Every woman is a stupid whore slut slave according to him.

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

he picked a fight during my breakfast at 530 pm today

 are you drinking that salsa??!! he yelled. 

Colored my hair today. Light ash brown. Took hot bath. So relaxing.

 Haven't used hair coloring in years. A little grey is now not there.

Fool is revealed by

 7 deadly sins

pride, arrogance,vanity, false appearance,
avarice, greed, takes anything they can get and more
wrath, anger, easily gets mad over little things,drives too fast,impatient
lust
envy
gluttony
sloth


lies, does not reveal truth, hides information, covers up things
wants to look good in public, a demon at home to wife/husband/family



A cheerful woman takes care of herself. She only associates with kind people.

Dress drab when I leave. Reveal a little skin when I am out ONLY

 never let him see my legs, rear, breasts again

Trust only myself and no one else. Important lesson.

Marjorie Mae Stillwell (Rutherford) Nov 29, 1915 to March 6, 2008 HIS MOTHER

 https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/61127254/marjorie-mae-stillwell

Marjorie Mae Rutherford Stillwell

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/61127254/marjorie-mae-stillwell

Birth

29 Nov 1915

Madison, Greenwood County, Kansas, USA

Death

6 Mar 2008 (aged 92)

Burial

Blue Springs Cemetery

Blue Springs, Jackson County, Missouri, USA

Memorial ID

61127254 · View Source



 Sponsor this memorial with an exclusive premium layout and no ads.

Sponsor this page


Marjorie Rutherford, age 26 of Kansas City, Jackson County, Missouri married Olney Joseph Stillwell, age 30 of Little Blue, Jackson County, Missouri on April 25, 1942 in Jackson County, MO.

Jackson County, Missouri marriage certificate #1942I0027953.


Mae Marjorie Stillwell, age 44 married Olney J. Stillwell, age 49 both of Blue Springs, Jackson County, Missouri on May 16, 1960 in Jackson County, MO.

Jackson County, Missouri marriage certificate #1960I0039433

Noah Moses Rutherford

1889–1933

Florence Lavina Mooney Rutherford

1892–1962

Siblings

Mildred Lavina Rutherford Cornwell

1913–2004

Rose J Rutherford Cathcard

1919–2020

Half Siblings

Samuel Wilson Rutherford

1914–2004

Norman N. Rutherford

1922–2004

William H Rutherford

1926–1990

Children

Sandra Rose Stillwell Brown

1944–1998

Carol Jean Stillwell

1950–2001


My calm calmness turns him into a bomb. He likes to see me upset, angry, unhappy, miserable. Makes him feel powerful

 then he accuses me of acting the same way he acts.

Tuesday, February 18, 2025

always wants to know what i am doing and i am not supposed to know what he does all the time. same story as 30 years ago

 he wants complete freedom while restricting mine 


Gets violently upset when I ask a question about what he is doing yet asks me constantly what I am doing

 just threw a nasty fit because he wanted to print a return shipping label using my printer, the only one in the house and said he is using cell phone which is tied to his yahoo email

and cant stand having to sign into google email account using his computer instead

and the label is to return hoodies he bought from alex jones website that say infowars on it

so he doesnt want me to know he is donating money to the clown which he thinks if freeaking god in human form because the guy spends 3 1/2 hours a day fighting for the right things

and i do know he donates to mike lindell fund 

says he will give them money and wants to get something in return for it


he is nasty as hell to me hateful mean arrogant 

i suggested getting another printer that uses the same cartridges as mine so we will have 2 printers and he can print what he want with the other one and not have to bother me


Lolita movie is great and he has done things similar to the guy in the movie

 once i came home from a walk. the neighbor gave me a few cans of beer. he went off and strangled me. he was outraged angry not talking communicating in words .he acted like a savage animal beast to me and later said he thinks someone would take advantage of me if i had any alcohol, which is not true at all anymore as i can hold my own contain myself even if i were inebriated

the man in lolita slapped the girl across the face because he saw her talking to a man . of course she ran off and cried. her youth beauty has power over men and simply talking to one would make him think she was available . 

exactly the way he thinks. he says i shouldnt talk to anyone. but i do. i talk to most everyone men women children teens anywhere i am. it only means i am friendly has nothing to with sex. he is an idiot


Big eyes, big hair, body/butt or boobs he falls for easily

 just like so many others do



God spirit energy source is the only thing I have in me

1999 diary journal of mine I read more yesterday. NOTHING has changed here but gotten worse

He is fixed rigid and ground hog day making same mistakes over and over again

 Reluctant to try really new things. The only new things he likes to look at are in the media or anywhere such as new different girls women females that look cute. What would he actually DO if he was around these women in person???? Wahlah..the same thing he does to me.. try to shut them up and treat them like a sex doll)

Sticks firmly to familiar items foods activities.

Plays same game daily CHESS. only one game as far as I know

Wont play any games with me like board games. Wont play outdoor activities.

got rid of my bicycle because he demands he sets the seat up too high for me. I could fall off and break my leg or neck with the way he would set it

anytime i do dance or move or sees my body he misinterprets me as being horny when i am not


Rigid as hell

BAF boring as fkkk

CAF confused as fffk

Same old groundhog day shiiit

doesn't want ideas or solutions

continues to think and do things same old way causing

endless frustration anger agony and sheer hell

constantly watches weather and fights it when simple solutions are at hand such as proper insulation in the house and dressing appropriately and aerobic activities such as dancing)

cant enjoy much of anything or have fun

sees anyone happy especially me and throws monkey wrench into it because he is stuck in the toilet hole sewer mind thinking and cant get out of it

so my option is to be STOIC remain silent offer no new suggestions
(his ideal woman/women look like a doll and cant talk speak have no brain or real personality)

 which are things I constantly do and he doesnt want to hear it

he refuses the idea of moving into another house home or anywhere

thinks he is stuck in one place

keeps his furniture stuck in one place

I TRY desperately to no avail to make him realize he has CHOICES and options and he is resilient to most things I say or do



Monday, February 17, 2025

Intrinsic is me

Every meal is a fight with him

Patience. A quality i am told I have by many people for many years.....

 I can wait.

for long periods...years and years.

Shown in my thoughts, understanding and actions. I am almost always willing to wait. Watch. The best things comes when I wait for the high quality results.

I drive slow. I am never in a hurry. 

I allow the child, person, male or female or animal to learn for himself. I don't step in their way and do it for them.

I like long hot slow baths..prefer it over showers in the tub.

I prepare good food and wait for it to be done.

I eat slow. 

I often move slow when walking.

I want to absorb the scenery fully one bit at a time. 

Digesting things slowly, comfortably, easily.

I am understanding, considerate, kind, loving, warm, friendly.

I never push people or rush them.

All these things about me showing my patience irritate my husband to the max as he is directly opposite of me. He is one who expects instant results on almost everything. He cant wait to eat, to see a thing move. He takes over a situation and will not allow me or the cat or anyone time to learn for themselves, to do anything. He grabs things out of my hand. He is pushy, prideful, arrogant, fearful, angry, mean, and basically immature in lots of things. An aggressive driver, drives too fast. When he wants a thing he wants it RIGHT now and loses his temper throwing tantrums when instant results do not happen. He lacks basic understanding of the growth of things, the time it takes to have any item. Fast action is his personality. Rude, insulting. Me first attitude.  A manchild, a little baby toddler in an adult body age 63 years old. He is absorbed in current world news political events as it gives him constant supply of actions by other people going on. He is not instrospective, does not meditate, hate to look in the mirror at himself. He buys ready to drink beverages and food most of the time as he does not want to wait and go through the effort to fix his own tea or snacks. 





Saturday, February 15, 2025

i will look better losing 5 more pounds

 then i will weigh 120

or get to 118 lbs even better

maybe i will have bone thin skinny legs

instead if fat thighs and fat ass

when i was 18 i starved myself down to 104 to 108

and i was flat chested as heck had men after me constantly. they love skinny little girls



best exercise pushing your

 pushing yourself away from the table


3 hrs later back

 came from grandview rd south from 

unloaded box from trunk of his car

not sure what yet

guessing he came from grandview mo

probably went to walk at cave springs park first then to aldis bread store maybe price chopper likely bought more sweets junk food

this tells me his meetup lives skc grandview area

dont know if its new person or just one of many


i need a PI

he usually comes back with stuff he bought somewhere to make his outings look legit

whereas i will go out and window shop for exercise





hes still gone

 whereabouts unknown

And so the thoughts I projected in the 1980s came upon me. I recognized him immediately....Fooled I was and for many years

 may 1987 i met this person and he was IT

my subconscious knew that was what i was drawn to

image in physical body matched. persona matched. underlying goal after i realized all men wanted was sex i had decided if i wanted a relationship and one that i would be attracted to for years he had to be one i was physically attracted to

and that matched

little did i know he had a ton of characteristics in my subconscious mind that at first i was not aware of

now the realizations are here and popping up more and more as i find out more open and hidden stuff about him..

surely there is even more buried down inside his complex persoanlity which has multiple ones. i still dont know all of the many sides of his face/head/character

devil appears nice and good looking and polite in public and to neighbors. to me and close family shows the shittiest sides of all, the control doubts fear skepticism meanness criticism contempt hatred humiliation perversion 

twisted thinking hypocrisy shaking trembling hands fingers arms fist body .. desire for power



My mother warned me of schizos schizophrenics all of my life....

4 pm he storms out the door and takes off in his car 2000 toyota corolla dark blue

 doesnt say a word about where he is going

"i gotta get out of here" is all he said

after he sat for hours on his laptop computer headphones on listening to god knows what



he just shot a dog in our backyard with a pellet gun. wonder what he does seeing a nude woman outside or anywhere else..

 not the first time he shot an animal. 

several cats and dogs he shot before that were around here



he killed a deer one time with 22 across street in sharons yard. he sd didnt want it in his garden

i wonder what he does when he sees a naked nude or skimpily clad woman in public..like the one he said he saw off 40 hwy from the strip bar .. would he shoot her, too or draw her close to him? would he give her advice, offer her a piece of clothing or a coat or blanket to cover herself up? would he get her phone number? i really dont know for sure...yet what he did



why does he heat the garage up? what is out there so important to keep warm??????

 he spends lots of money on propane to burn heating up the garage

and wont insulate the doors or windows properly

nuts

crying children bother me. i want to comfort them. does not bother him at all. in fact he likes to see people cry and whine

Friday, February 14, 2025

Poor mind and rich mind dont mix. Makes bad relationship

must be nice, a comment of jealousy

Liar he is. Writes nice things on greeting cards for holdays. Acts directly opposite of what he says on a daily basis

 says i want you to be happy then does about anything he can to make me miserable constantly

wont participate in any activity that i like if he doesnt like to do it

never fixes me food that only i like

it is like a little crumb piece of bait he throws out once in awhile to string me along ..for what?

what purpose do i serve for him?

me. the loyal reliable one shops cooks cleans laundry and i used to be ready and available just about anytime for the intimate act but not anymore. his vile ways nasty mean rotten abusive ways turn me completely off.


He can appear to have it all yet seek out others...

 like the 40 something preacher at the baptist church i went to for 8 years.

he who proclaimed to love his wife of 14 years then it was found out mingling with the young ladies in the group. who knows how many he did it with

last i knew in february 2019 he was with the last female conquest, the quiet 23 year old dark haired beauty who had a nice tight body even tho she had cerebral palsy and could hardly walk

he lost his career for life permanently banned from preaching the gospel due to church rules

all for the golden you know what

===================

the 40 something relative of mine with the perfect wife, son, household, big house about 5000 square feet, tons of money and investments and what does he do? gets a 25 yr old 100 lb female who is now 27, who can squirt on video for money

=======================

same story worldwide for countless eons 1000s of years... can you or i or anyone really trust a man? or a woman?  most often it is the male seeking out something "different" he is never satisfied with the woman he has regardless of how "perfect" she looks and is and what she does for him. 



Life is shit. He is the toilet

KId size things I like

 food, books, keys, toys, pens, pencils, calendars, clothes, balloons


Thursday, February 13, 2025

lena yvonne rosser strong woman women

 https://www.parklawnfunerals.com/obituaries/lena-rosser

aunt ruth strong woman women

other people tell me good things about me. not him

 others say i am beautiful smart intelligent creative understanding capable

he shits on everything about me criticising cut downs daily

rarely does he say anything nice complimentary/compliments/appreciation

 


history shows successions

 my life reveals i met people who know each other

and a connection is there amongst all

that 5 rule of people who all are connected know someone you know

circles of acquaintances

layson, jr huell bracher. tony, darin, chuck, jeri, kirk, 

driver dave at carquest auto lives behind layson


Accuser often guilty of accusations

Life is shit. he is the toilet

 flower stomper

butterfly crusher

joyless coward

fearmonger, hater. beauty destroyer

any female he was around he would try to ruin smash kill destroy


I met Chuck Strand before meeting John Layson

 back in 1999 or so I was shopping at United super grocery store in robandee shopping center.

had my coupon holder in hand and suddenly an old man appeared before me in the meat department

he began talking about sales, deals and coupons saying i should do these things

i said i already do

from then on he always talked down to me as if he was smarter and a better shopper than me

at one point he insisted i fill my house with sales deals like he did and resale the items at a garage sale

he only had respect for one person who also did professional shopping her name is jeri who lives in raytown missouri off 78th street. she told him to have consideration for other people and leave at least one item on the shelf not buy out everything

she topped in so he respected her


I dont need it. Lots of things crap people think they have to have due to media and peer pressure

 name brand designer clothes and shoes

artificial foods and drinks

processed foods, fast food, fake 

makeup (is optional), fake fingernails (optional)

hair coloring

brand new car/auto/van




Food I ate yesterday

salad; iceberg lettuce, celery sticks, one radish, 2 carrots, chopped broccoli, lots of raw red onion homemade with homemade dressing; apple cider vinegar, olive oil, water, italian seasoning

one 15 oz can of chili

one 15.5 can of pinto beans

two handful of mixed nuts

8 dove dark chocolate pieces

1 large banana



Group groupies joiners identifying with

 it seems good to join a group 

to isolate oneself into one frame of mind and then

you end up having to agree with one person's rules 

restricting your freedom of individuality and creativiy

the group gives illusion of security/safety within the pack 

as if they are going to protect you and stand up for you

when in reality you make one wrong move, say one thing they 

disagree with and you are ousted, banned from the group 

ostracized. ridiculed. humilated. left out. not chosen. blackballed



Weak seek power over others. Strong have power contol of themselves

he is fear based doesnt believe in god force spirit abundance

 empty is what everything is to him

lacking, poverty, crime, war, hate, prejudice, anger, doubt

no amount of examples i give, the evidence of the universe convinces him 

he runs around with blinds blinders on his head and eyes and brain

shutting out light and all the good


Model, Write, Art, Entrepreneur, Nutritionist, Health, Psychology/social work, Spiritual

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

communication impossible with him

 he is fear based doesnt believe in god force spirit abundance

glass if always less than half full, it is empty

i can do nothing to make him happy. cant fix him.

Got an old book today "Key To Yourself" one my mother in law recommended back in 1982 or so

I am not living or working with anyone ..no person ever again

 They all are or turn into the devil control freaks and do nothing but stand in my way


I wont let him kick me out of this house

 as he has threatened to do many times 

used to threaten divorce for yrs then stopped when realized had to account for all finances

i shouldnt have to run with the clothes on my back

i shouldnt have to fear anything ever


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twilight zone its a good life a very bad man


this is him mls at age 63



I dont trust you, dont feel safe around you, dont believe you. You are a danger to me and anyone around


 

He just threatened to break my fucking finger at 1025 am

 i was doing dishes. he showed me the infomercial he had seen with the heaters he bought a couple of days ago. i stopped doing the dishes to watch video on his phone. 

after hearing it i said that is good i didnt know it had a hepa filter. cant wait to get the heater and try it out

he says i cant believe it. it cant heat up 1000 sq ft in a room and use less energy

he crossed his arms while he sat in his recliner

i said your body language (crossing arms) shows you are doubtful and skeptical. you have always been skeptical about everything. you must see it to believe it

it progressed to him telling me to shut the fuck up

i came back and said "you shut up" 

then he charged up the living room stairs doubled up his fist said you shut the fuck up . I will break your fucking finger

i said you are not going to touch me

he said you just dont know when to shut up do you. you keep going on and on

i said you just threatened me with bodily harm


Sunday, February 9, 2025

I never sold my body for money or anything. Should I have?

 instead i gave away my body time and work free. for love.

in marriage or in relationships or one night stands

maybe i have had it all wrong my whole life

instead of doing it for love perhaps i should have done it for money by being a call girl, prostitute. whore. companion. side piece for pay. the other woman. porn star. 

at least those women are respected, adored, have respect and have some money to show for it




Roommate Marriage I have

 https://www.marriage.com/advice/counseling/roommate-marriage/

i wrote him a check $150 for rent. dated feb 12 2025. he didnt take it wrote me a note save it for utilities

i tore check up today 2122025


Karen stillwell followed news and

 named her daughter amber because that became the name for alerts at the time

paranoid schizophrenic to the max

constantly listening to news watching everyone thinking all people esp family members iut to get her

harassed us all the time. phone calls. visits. lawsuits ..

his sister february 23 1960 born birthday dead years ago




My silence, absence and avoidance mean I AM DONE

Model. A goal, unrealized dream

It is like returning to the pot with your own and others excrement: the toilet

 and expecting to feel better after you went to the counselor

the psychologist who is NOT living in your house undergoing the treatment

who asks you questions and wants you to figure it out yourself and will sometimes offer "treatments" of medications 


Therapy counseling psychologists psychiatrists does not usually work

 when the patient returns to the same home situation undergoing the very influences that created their problems

the perptrators who inflict abuse and violence will not usually seek treatment

the victim returns to the situation only to have the abuser get worse than they were before..humiliating and torturing the person because they can and because they returned and seem to be choiceless on where they are going to live

pills medications prescription drugs do not fix the abusers problems and definitely do not help the victim to regain strength, maintain their individuality and unique spirit

in fact, these drugs can immobilize the patient to where they believe they are the problems and end up becoming zombies to suffer the torture and this is how life should be living with a dictator


We love to watch what we identify with OR are curious to learn about

Males watching war, news, sports, violence, danger, sex movies videos

 they imagine themselves in the scenes


Fueling terror. How extremists are made

 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fueling-terror-how-extremists-are-made/

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fueling-terror-how-extremists-are-made/




I am confident he does and has done what his brothers do/have done

 obsession with money, cars, control, sex, porn/pornography, dominance

filing lawsuits

threats/threatening. assaults assaulting wife woman female girlfriend

denying health care to the spouse

spending tons of money on self and restricting cash flow spending of the wife as if she should live on the bare minimum 

denying higher education to wife

yoyo rollercoaster in relationship bouncing back and forth between no commitment to total control 

belief in master slave idea like he is the boss she is the unworthy piece of trash to toss around rule dominate dictate to

women are treated like stupid idiots. they are either the little girl or the bitch or the whore

avoiding loyalty commitment marriage perceived as threat unless they can do anything they want and be unrestrained and have no responsiblility for what they do and take no accountability for their words and actions

they desire total freedom for themselves and try to trap the woman into a box so she is mute looks good like a plastic wooden barbie doll puppet stays still has no mind or will of her own



threats of divorce abandonment taking everything leaving me with nothing but my vehicle and claiming he was the victim when he is the perpetrator in every instance 



END of the innocence

 appear innocent

while knowing the truth 


 https://www.miamidadeclerk.gov/clerk/domestic-violence.page

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is any assault, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, stalking, aggravated stalking or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another who is or was residing in the same single dwelling unit.


An assault does not have to be physical violence. An assault can occur if someone intentionally threatens to cause you physical violence, even if they do not touch you.

Aggravated Assault - A threat that may have been verbal or physical and made you believe that serious harm could be done. If the person uses a deadly weapon when committing this act, it is an aggravated assault.

Battery and Aggravated Battery - An act of domestic violence becomes a battery when someone intentionally touches you without your permission and causes you great bodily harm, permanent disability or disfigurement. In addition, if the person uses a deadly weapon or if you were pregnant and the person knew or should have known, the act becomes an aggravated battery.

Stalking and Aggravated Stalking - If someone purposefully follows or harasses you repeatedly over a period of time for no legitimate purpose, which causes you a great amount of emotional stress. If they threaten your life or threaten to cause injury to you while stalking, with the intent to cause you to reasonably fear for your safety, then the act becomes aggravated stalking.

Terrorism. Terror. He acts like this and his brother John Stillwell was charged with this in Dallas, Texas

 https://apps2.collincountytx.gov/JudicialOnlineSearch2/case/32ca224f-2aeb-4ea2-bcce-a3a6afa011a6

this was lawsuit in colling county texas john and rosie stillwell that he filed against me, my website and husband michael

john filed suit against employer hallf associates half because he was fired

john filed a divorce against his wife rosie also

interesting because michael threatened me with a divorce for many years the same years his brother john was doing this to his wife 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013



slothful lazy minds are worse than just a lazy body

 making yourself look important to appear physically busy and yet not really doing or accomplishing anything because you cant think ahead and have no plan is one the stupidest things in the world that i have had employers and family members do


body concscious I have always been. Model/modelling

 food health nutrition, calories, used to read prevention magazine when i was a child teen young adult

calorie counting is bull hockey

exercise; proper one for myself or yourself. mine are swimming, dancing, flexiblilty, never the hard strenuous manual labor for men

i have a flat stomach as always. only time belly protruded is when over 6 to 7 months pregnant/preg/preggie. people couldnt tell i was preg until i was 7 months along

i have nice legs and need to firm up my legs and behind 

my core is pretty strong could be even better


Holidays. Every day is a holiday.

 #1 Independence Day * self freedom of all things, thought, movement, work, actions

#2 Thanksgiving

#3 Christmas, Xmas giving to others from your blessings and abundance

#4 Mothers and Fathers Day

#5 Birthday. Each day is a new time of birth


Manchild, Womanchild, Immature man or woman. Most dangerous thing in the world.

Interruptions. Can't take them. Causes me to lose my focus

Crying. Mother didn't cry.

Saturday, February 8, 2025

Identify and beat a snake

 Upon first meeting most snakes are fake nice. They sniff you out to determine if you are easy good prey.

They identify other snakes quickly and avoid them.  They also quickly identify victims. They want victims that are easy to control. Often they want a masochist because snakes are sadists.

Dogs do not like snakes or rats. The dog barks nonstop when seeing or smelling them. Dogs sense their evil.

Snakes are scared of dogs as they are of most animals. 

After you have become the victim prey mister snake will order you around and suck you dry. He will raise his vicious head, glare at you and bare his fangs teeth. Then he bites literally with the fangs or other ways like sarcastic remarks, cruel threats, hits, punches, kicks. Strangulation, stab, bullet, fist, rock, weapon wounds.

His aim and goal is to keep you down, in control, paralyzed with fear.

The snake will attack and bite you repeatedly and inject their poison until you are dead. 

Some snakes kill instantly. Some torture their prey for many years.

Human snakes fall into both categories; those that kill quickly and those that torture for long periods of time. Human snakes enjoy watching the suffering of their victims and the suffering of anyone.

Avoiding the snake is the best way to live. 

If you must live with, work with or otherwise associate with the snake you can put on the fake face niceness around them. Keep your sessions short, as brief as possible when in their company or talking on the phone with them.

Stick to one point at a time, the thing they want at the moment. Forget having any real love, closeness or companionship because they are incapable of any of these things.

Leave the scene, avoid being in their presence as soon as possible.

Say you have something else to do, somewhere to go. Just leave. Graciously. No apologies or detailed reasons. They have no patience to listen and don't care what you have to say.









I would bet he did this

 kept as much total trash items with the most disgusting porn from john's house back in 2021

i already saw some of the magazines he had stuffed into the bottom of a trash bag one night when i opened the bag to put some trash in it

i would guess he kept alot of the other horrid stuff 

like the bdsm shit that suddenly came up missing out of the file cabinet it was in

he gravitates to the most disgusting things 


Immature men: 53 manchild signs

 https://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/immature-men

Immature men: 53 manchild signs

https://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/immature-men


X

Lovepanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships



Are you dating a manchild? Immature men are everywhere. Here are the signs of one and how you can help him change. It won’t be easy, but it can be done.

immature men manchild signs

Table of Contents

It’s an unfortunate reality that we can’t escape – immature men are all over the place. Even a grown man can turn out to be a manchild, making things much harder for you. 


If you want your romantic life to be easier and more fulfilling, you need to steer clear of immaturity and learn to spot a manchild when you see one. 


They probably won’t be at your maturity level and this often makes it hard for them to understand commitment and what you need to make a relationship work. [Read: What age does a man emotionally mature? 19 signs he’s grown a real pair]



What is a manchild?

A manchild is a man who is so immature that they are considered a child. By “immature” we mean that this man can’t take care of himself in any way, shape, or form.


For some reason, it seems like there is a manchild epidemic threatening to take over the world. Since our generation doesn’t stress the need for growing up, some people just never seem to catch up to their actual age anymore. 


Yet, in past generations, you needed to get your act together by the age of 16 and grow up! [Read: 21 secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]


How to spot immature men from a mile away

If you’re trying to avoid immaturity in the guys you date, you’ll want to figure it out early. Here’s how to tell if a guy is a manchild and super immature. 


These signs may not be super noticeable at first, but after some practice, you’ll be able to point out the immature men easily.


1. He gets upset about small things very easily 

This is usually just because he doesn’t possess the skills to solve problems on his own yet. And that means he’s pretty immature. [Read: 16 types of guys you should avoid like the plague]


When someone is always getting upset about things that aren’t really that big of a deal, it means they’re immature.



2. He’s jealous 

Those who are jealous are usually insecure. Those who are insecure are usually pretty immature. They haven’t yet figured out how to accept themselves as is. 


This means you can run into a lot of issues with jealousy simply because he’ll be comparing himself to anyone else you ever talk to. Which obviously causes major fights and unhappiness. Manchild alert![Read: 25 signs a guy is jealous that he just can’t hide]



3. There’s no communication on his end 

Immature men have trouble communicating in general. They don’t really know how to effectively communicate and they often don’t understand the importance of it, either. 


If a guy is having major communication issues early on, he’s probably really immature. Watch out!


4. He gets weirded out by commitment 

Guys who are very immature don’t like commitment. They think about all the stereotypes of guys in committed relationships and they run for the hills. This is a major sign of immaturity and a manchild. [Read: How to get through the most common commitment issues]


It takes a mature man to admit that commitment is actually great. It makes him stronger when committing to a single person and being faithful. Immature men, on the other hand, are scared by it.


5. He doesn’t have plans for the future 


If you ask a guy what he wants for his future and he shrugs or mumbles about how he doesn’t know, he’s pretty damn immature. 


Failing to make plans shows a lack of interest in your future and that definitely shows a level of immaturity. [Read: 21 secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]


6. He constantly complains about things rather than changing them 

Those who complain and complain and complain without ever doing something to make a difference are really immature. They’d rather bitch and moan about something than do something to fix it. If you start dating a person like this, he’s a manchild and you should get out as fast as possible.



7. He doesn’t like people who are more successful 

This is a dislike that’s linked only to the fact that they’re successful. It has nothing to do with anything else. This is a major sign of immaturity because it’s also a form of jealousy. 


They’re upset someone else is doing good things mainly because they’re not.


A mature man would see a successful person and want to learn from them. He would look up to them and try to work just as hard to succeed. That person would become more of a role model and less of a threat to a mature man. [Read: How to tell the difference between jealousy and envy]


8. He judges you harshly 

If you can’t safely open up to someone you’re dating, it’s a pretty big sign something is wrong. A guy who judges you harshly without knowing the background information is super immature. He’s not taking the time to think things through. He’s judging based on one little thing and that’s it.


9. He’s lazy 

People who are mature know that it takes hard work to make things happen. Immature people, however, would rather do nothing and wait. 


If the guy you’re seeing seems to be super lazy, he’s also probably very immature. [Read: Lazy boyfriend – 20 signs, why guys get lazy in love and how to help him change]


10. He doesn’t respect your opinion 

Aka, if he disagrees, he gets pissed instead of talking things out and trying to understand where you’re coming from. This could be about anything, really.


Maybe you two are discussing politics and you disagree with each other. Instead of listening to your reasoning, an immature man will just argue and get mad when you don’t agree with him.


11. He always “jokes” with you, but they don’t feel like jokes 

His “jokes” are always super harsh digs at you. They’re not innocent little jokes. They’re hurtful. [Read: Lessons to deal with judgmental people]


When a guy is making fun of you in a way that actually hurts you, he’s just really immature and has no regard for your feelings. That’s not really someone you want to be in a relationship with.


12. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions 

Maturity is being able to admit when you’re wrong and apologize for it. Immature men will continuously argue that they weren’t wrong or they’ll ignore the issue altogether. 


If a guy is showing this sign that he’s super immature, run. You’ll only have problems with him. [Read: The devious signs of a manipulator you need to watch out for]


13. He’s rude to others 

This can be waitresses, cashiers, or really anyone who is supposed to be doing a service for him. 


Being mean to those who are trying to help is a major sign of immaturity and a lack of empathy. Both of those qualities aren’t exactly great things to have in a man.


14. He doesn’t stick to his word 

This is one of the biggest traits of an immature man. Does he stick to his promises when he makes them? If not, it could be a big sign of immaturity. [Read: 22 early signs he would be a bad boyfriend]


Guys who are always making promises and never keeping them don’t respect you or their own words. How can you trust someone like that? His immaturity in this sense can cause major issues.


15. You feel the need to tell him to grow up 

If you’re always fighting the urge to tell a guy to grow up, then he’s probably immature. You already recognize that he’s acting childish. Need we say more? He’s a manchild. 


16. He never cleans up after himself 


As in, EVER. A guy who throws dirty dishes into the sink without even rinsing them and then lets them fester there for days until you finally have had enough is nothing more than your typical manchild. [Read: Is your boyfriend lazy and boring? Fix him up for good!]


It’s also possible that he doesn’t clean up after himself not because he’s lazy, but because he actually doesn’t know how to work the dishwasher – or hell, even the sink.


17. He expects you to do all the household chores 

If your boyfriend is harping at you to cook, clean, do the laundry, and all of the stuff that the “girl is supposed to do” then he hasn’t matured yet at all. 


He’s probably been super-smothered by his mother who did everything for him and he still hasn’t grown out of it. [Read: 36 secrets to spot difficult people and deal with them in a calm and cool way]


18. He sulks if he doesn’t get his way 

Do you know how a toddler will throw everything they’re holding and lay on the ground screaming until you give them what they want? He’s a lot like that. 


He can’t handle it when life doesn’t cater to his every need. So, he sulks and throws a tantrum instead. 


19. He can’t handle constructive criticism 

A manchild just can’t take it when someone tells them how they can do something better.


In his immature mind, he’s the best at everything. So, he’ll just slump down for a while following constructive criticism. 


This is a common trait amongst immature men and shows that they believe they’re the most important person in the world. [Read: Narcissistic boyfriend – 28 signs and ways to deal with a narc guy or dump him]


20. He’s never wrong 

If arguing with your boyfriend is completely pointless because there’s just no way he’ll ever see your side because he’s always right, you may be dating a manchild.


21. Any type of game brings out his ugly side 

Forget drinking games, board games, and even a nice game of Frisbee because if he loses – or even if he wins – he’ll be a sore loser or a gloating, insulting winner. [Read: Annoying boyfriend habits that most girls experience in a relationship]


You might as well just not bother playing because you know that it won’t end well, either way. 


22. He only thinks about himself 

Selfishness is a big trait of a manchild. His inability to think about anyone else in any given situation just proves his immaturity. 


He believes the world revolves around him completely and again, it’s probably because his mother did everything for him. [Read: Selfishness in relationships and 15 ways to deal with it the right way]


23. He can’t handle his finances 

If he’s spending money left and right with no way of tracking it or even being able to pay for it, you’re dating a manchild. This is another major trait of immature men and it does not bode well for your relationship. 


His lack of financial control will impact you, especially if you get to the point where you share finances later down the line. 


24. He lets his mom treat him like a child 

Honestly, we would have to say that about 50% of the responsibility for a guy becoming a manchild lies with how his mother treats him. [Read: 21 subtle signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]


If he still lets his mom treat him as she did when he was small, that’s a major red flag. It’s time he grew up!


25. He talks a big game but hardly ever follows through 

He may talk tough, and he may promise you great things, but if he never–or hardly–follows through with his intentions, then he’s a manchild. 


You can’t trust his promises because you know they’re probably not going to come to fruition. He makes plans and then flakes on them. He’s not true to his word and it’s one of the big signs of immature men. [Read: 20 signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you and just wants to have fun]


26. If he gets sick, it’s the end of the world 

Does he actually act like a child when he’s sick? He might just have a cold but in his eyes, it’s the worst thing to hit the world since the black plague. He also expects you to nurse him back to health, just as his mom did when he was young. 


27. He can’t hold a steady job 

Does your boyfriend constantly have to be looking for a job because he’ll be fired or quit after only a few months? If so, it could be a sign that he’s a manchild because he can’t follow rules and maintain a steady job. [Read: Types of guys you need to stop dating if you want real love]



28. He attacks you during an argument

Because he doesn’t know how to work through conflict in an effective manner, he will attack you during an argument. [Read: Turn offs for girls – 25 things guys do that girls absolutely hate]


This deflects the blame onto you, always making you look like the bad guy even when you’re not. So, he will attack you instead of looking at what he did wrong. 


29. He has no impulse control

Whether it comes to spending his money, yelling at you, drinking, or just giving into any desire he has in the moment, he has no impulse control. 


He doesn’t have the ability to stop himself and ask, “Should I really be doing this?” because he has no ability to self-reflect. [Read: Peter Pan Syndrome – what it is, 31 childish signs, and how to grow up ASAP]


30. He is a bully

A manchild is weak and immature. Because of this, he feels like he has to bully other people to get his way.


Instead of being mature and talking things through in a logical manner, he just resorts to bullying people. He thinks this makes him look powerful when in reality, he just looks like a silly little manchild.


31. He is a poor listener

He just doesn’t really want to hear anything anyone has to say. It could be about how your day went, a problem you have, or just telling him something interesting. [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in a relationship and read their mind]



And God forbid you actually try to talk to him during a football game or while he’s playing a video game. He doesn’t care what comes out of anyone’s mouth.


32. He is unsupportive

If you’ve had a bad day or if your tire needs changed, he just isn’t there for you. You can’t rely on him for anything.


In fact, you might as well be alone because he surely doesn’t make your life easier by taking care of you in any way. He’s completely unsupportive of you or anyone else. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]


33. He is a pathological liar

Children lie because they think that they can get away with it and no one will figure them out. But their brains aren’t developed enough yet to know that is not true. 


However, a manchild’s brain should be developed, but he acts like a toddler and lies all the time. He doesn’t care about the consequences of his lies either.


34. He lacks healthy ways to cope with stress

Everyone has stress in their lives – it’s pretty inevitable for most people. But immature men don’t have very healthy ways to deal with it. [Read: 17 life secrets to smile more often, feel great, and laugh your stress away]


Instead of going to the gym or meditating, he will drink too much, smoke, and play video games 24/7 to escape or do some other activity that is not helping him or the other people in his life.


35. Unable to delay gratification


When a manchild wants something, he wants it NOW. He doesn’t have the ability to think about it and ask himself whether or not it’s a good idea to have it. 


And he has no patience and can’t delay any kind of gratification at all. He wants what he wants when he wants it. Just like a toddler. [Read: What is masculinity? 46 manly and toxic traits women love and despise in men]


Can an immature man ever change?

Of course, everyone can change their ways if they really want to. The problem is that immaturity doesn’t tend to be something people are aware of or like to be pointed out to them. 


Fixing a manchild isn’t an easy task. It could take a long time for him to properly mature into a real adult. However, there are some ways to hurry the process along.


1. Be patient 

We say this first because fixing a manchild can be a long and frustrating process. Take it day by day and just remember to be calm. 


If you really care about him and want to be with him, be patient with the process. [Read: The big reasons why a man feels emasculated and behaves like a manchild]


2. Communicate with him 

You have to tell him what he’s doing and how it’s affecting you. He doesn’t realize that he’s being immature. Make sure he knows how you feel and tell him often so he’s always reminded that he has to be changing something.


3. Use incentives for him to change 


If talking to him just isn’t enough, you may have to get real with him. Now, he may not accept this at first, but you’ll have to try. [Read: 33 signs and qualities that make a guy a really good boyfriend]


Tell him that if he can’t grow up and get his act together, you may have to move on. It’s a meaningful incentive, but it’s also honest down to its core.


Is it worth dating an immature man?

That’s a tough one! It really depends upon the degree of immaturity. If he’s a super-manchild then you’re just going to end up frustrated all the time. 


But, if his immaturity isn’t that far up the scale, perhaps you can work with him to change. It’s a personal choice at the end of the day but you have to think about what happens when things don’t go well. [Read: How to know if you should break up – 22 signs that can guide you]


Life always throws us curve balls and you need to be able to handle these things together. That takes a certain amount of maturity. And if he’s a manchild, you’re always going to be the one responsible for making the big decisions without much support. 


You have to question whether that’s something you’re willing to handle. For sure, you might love him, but if you can’t handle a total lack of support, you need to walk away. [Read: What is a toxic relationship? 53 signs to recognize the love that hurts you]


Get your man to recognize that he’s an immature manchild


The first half of the article was for you to spot the signs of a manchild and either stay away from him or decide how to handle him if you’re already with one.


But this next part is for him. If you’re already in a relationship with a manchild and want him to change, the first step is to get him to admit he’s an immature man. It’s not going to be easy, and he will deny it. But this is the first step toward change.


So, you will have to have him read this next section. However, you have to approach him in a non-confrontational way. You can’t criticize or yell at him when you are doing this or else it won’t work. Instead, you have to approach him in a loving and non-judgmental way.


Ask him if he feels like maybe he wants to improve himself. Start with something he would respond well to, like making more money.


You could ask, “Honey, wouldn’t you love to have more money so we can go out and do more things or travel?” He’ll probably answer “Yes.” [Read: How to not be a narcissist – self-reflecting steps to change yourself]


From there, you can say that you want to help him change. And you need to emphasize that this is for his own good too – not just yours. Remember a manchild is very selfish. If he doesn’t see anything in it for him, then he won’t do it.


So, you’re going to have to be very methodical and deliberate for this to work. You might even say that if he wants to keep you, he will have to read this and try to make some changes. 


As we said, it’s not going to be easy, but it can be done. So, are you ready? [Read: How to be a man the way he really should be]



How to stop being a manchild

Sure, you like to be babied. It’s nice and convenient to have someone taking care of your every need, but it’s not helping you. 


If anything, your skills are diminishing by the second and soon you’ll be left completely helpless. You really don’t want to become that person.


So, if you landed on this feature, you know you need to change your ways. Which is great! It’s the first step in dropping the “child” from your title. [Read: Self-centered people – 40 signs and ways to change yourself or deal with one]


You need to “man up” and become a man. If you’re over 18 and called a manchild, this is for you. It’s time to be a man.


1. Accept what you are

This doesn’t mean you don’t have to change, you still do. But accepting your behavior and actions is the first step in overcoming your manchild ways. 


If you’re in denial, then you shouldn’t even be reading this, you’re not ready. When you can openly call yourself a manchild, then it’s time for you to take action. [Read: 16 types of guys girls just don’t want to date]


2. Let go of the nipple

You’ve been sucking on the tit for far too long. It’s time for you to let it go. If you want to know how to stop being a manchild, gain some independence. 


Yes, relying on your mom or partner is comfortable, but it’s not helping anyone. Take responsibility, pay a phone bill, and start doing things on your own. [Read: Mature ways to begin facing life like the adult you are]



3. Understand your coping mechanisms

Everyone uses coping mechanisms to deal with their personal issues. If you’re a manchild, you may depend on TV and video games to help cope with your issues. 


Listen, gluing yourself to the TV or playing an entire weekend of Fortnite isn’t going to take you away from the reality of your life.


4. Take responsibility

Of course, you don’t want to hear it, but you’ve been playing the victim for far too long. It’s time for you to take ownership of your actions. [Read: The alpha male – 65 traits of a real alpha man and true secrets to be one yourself]


Instead of blaming everyone else for your problems, and you do since you’re a manchild, it’s time to see how you played a role in your life. Because it’s not everyone else’s fault for how things turned out.


5. Stop being entitled

When you’re a child, you don’t need to work, you don’t need to pay bills, and no one expects anything from you. When you’re a kid, everything is given to you. But the thing is you’re not a kid anymore, you’re an adult. People have expectations.


You have bills to pay and you need to earn the things you want to have. Fix your own problems, and work towards your own success. [Read: How to get rid of your bad sense of entitlement]


6. Leave your comfort zone

When you were a child, it was considered normal if you didn’t want to leave your comfort zone. Who honestly wants to leave their comfort zone? Exactly.



But as we get older, we learn that we have to leave our comfort zone to grow as a person. However, you’re still stuck in your comfort zone and you don’t want to leave. 


Well, then you won’t be able to grow either. [Read: Emotional maturity – clues to know if someone has it]


7. Enough with the lying

Aren’t you getting tired of lying? Because we’re sure tired of hearing the excuses. You need to lie to cope with your problems but it’s not working to your advantage. 


In the short term, sure, it may ease things, but in reality, all it’s doing is holding you back. Plus, you don’t need to be known as a liar.


8. Cut dependent relationships

That doesn’t mean that you need to stop talking to your mom, but you need to create boundaries. If you have a partner that is babying you, change the behavior. [Read: 41 rules to be a gentleman every girl would secretly dream of dating]


Some people crave babying another adult, but if you want to get out of this phase, then you need someone who values independence.


9. Learn simple skills

It’s not that you’re useless, but you probably never did the dishes or cleaned the toilet bowl. Now, no one likes doing this but these are things you need to do when you grow up. 



If you want to know how to stop being a manchild, learn how to do things around the house and actually do them. Clean the bathroom, learn how to do the laundry, and start to take pride in taking care of yourself.


10. Keep your word

When you say you’re going to do something, do it. A manchild is someone who only talks with no action. And when you bail out on a plan, there’s always an excuse. 


When it gets tough, you decide to give up and come up with a reason why. But that needs to stop. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. [Read: How to court a woman – the meaning and 23 gentlemanly ways to woo her]


11. Focus on being empathetic

If you’re a manchild, you’re mostly concerned about your own well-being. You may have a partner, but you rarely ask them how their day was or how they’re feeling. 


Instead, everything is about you and what’s going on in your life. But if you want to be a man, start giving a shit about people other than yourself. [Read: Why empathy is so important in relationships]


12. Get real

Time to wake up. You may have wanted to be a race car driver when you were a kid but now you’re twenty-five, and that’s not going to happen. 


You probably don’t want to get a “real job,” but sitting on your couch isn’t productive. It’s time to get real with reality.



13. Give more in bed

If someone asks your partner if you’re giving, they’ll probably say no. Usually, if you’re a manchild, you’re not overly giving in bed. Instead, you focus on receiving pleasure. But it’s time to give. [Read: Signs you’re the selfish one in the relationship]


14. You’re not going to change overnight 

Everyone would like to change overnight. Though you can change your behavior overnight, committing to the change is an entirely different story. 


You’re going to make mistakes, feel vulnerable, and sometimes, you’ll want to quit and go back to being a manchild. It takes time. [Read: 15 things immature men do that hurt them bad]


15. Talk to a therapist

This isn’t something that you’re going to overcome with ease. You’re going to go through many struggles and obstacles when it comes to this. But you don’t need to do this alone. 


Talking to a therapist can help give you the tools and a safe space to talk and work on your manchild issues. Because honestly, these issues aren’t shallow, they go way back.


[Read: How to grow up and face life like an adult]


Now that you know the signs of a manchild and had your immature man read this article, it’s time to make some changes for the better, don’t you think? Of course you do, but hopefully, now he will too.




Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. And while you’re at it, check out MIRL, a cool new social networking app that connects experts and seekers!


Preeti Tewari SeraiPreeti Serai

Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...

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Signs of Immature Man

 https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/sign-of-immature-man/

https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/sign-of-immature-man/

And he is ALL of these at age 63.


Big ball of Crap he is

 I can go back to 38 years ago when I met him. 

He had the same personality and symptoms then as he does now. I didn't recognize or want to see any negative things about him. In this way I was delusional because I was in love with his physical appearance and his public persona. 

Outside to neighbors and in public he appears presentable. Looks good, acts in acceptable ways.

Inside he is a ball of fear. Full of insecurity, worries, weakness of character.

He wants total control of others and lacks self control. He takes out all of his frustrations upon me and says I am to blame for his anger and abusive behavior. 

I am not responsible for his thoughts or actions. 

If he ever takes responsibility for himself it will be a miracle.

All I can do is stay away, hide and watch while he destroys himself and blames the world for all of his problems.

He sees the bad in all of life. Does not appreciate much of anything. Can't take any type of critical remark or a comment about anything can be done better. He deems it as a personal attack upon him and does not seek any other way to do something unless he is the one who generates the idea.

He focuses on news, bad news and criminal acitivies of government, main stream media, people in general, corrupt systems. He says most people will perform a crime if they don't think they will get caught.

He can't accept me or most people the way they are.  He insists that I change myself to suit him. He will not look at himself and change anything about him. 

He justifies his behaviors and says it is normal. EG: "it is not abnormal for men to look at pornography", "any red blooded male would have sex with that woman", "you made me do it..i wouldn't have said that, hit you or tried to strangle you if you hadn't have done that", "you are the reason i act this way", "it's not my fault", "you are to blame"

He destroys and detests any fun, happiness, smiles, parties, gatherings, get togethers.

When my dad paid for our riverboat cruise I had a glorious time enjoying the boat ride and wonderful food and all he did was complain about the cost of it. The same thing he does now and has done each and every time we had a nice dinner anywhere at any restaurant.

He is paranoid and suspicious of everyone and their motives. He thinks people and police are following him and is ware of all, constantly looking around in the environment. A curtain must always be closed in the evening when light is visible inside the house. I cannot leave a curtain or blind open for fear the neighbors or anyone can see inside the home. He is especially afraid that anyone could see my body, skin, flesh or movement. 

He is Mr/Mister Misery. 

All 7 deadly sins are displayed: PAWLEGS: Pride, Avarice, Wrath, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Sloth

Egotistical, greedy, angry, lustful, envious and jealous of others, overdoes several things, laziness of mind in that he has the inability to be really creative and imaginative and introspective. 

Full blown schizophrenia, which I believe is untreatable and incurable. 

His siblings were and are the same way, as if stuck in early childhood and or early teen phase of life.






Tip of the iceberg reveals the whole berg

 Little things, the small stuff reveals the whole character of the person

Wish I would have known this years ago.

Happy when he leaves. Happy when I leave

 happy when he's gone

Marriage. A Trap

Friday, February 7, 2025

Signs of Being a SuperAger

 Signs of Being a SuperAger

From a layperson's perspective, there is one main sign of being a superager: You remember more than others in your age group. But from a scientific perspective, there are numerous factors that determine if a person is a superager. The following is true of people over eighty years old who are superagers:2


Their brains look twenty to thirty years younger than their age when imaged.

Their brains resist cortical shrinkage, which means that their brains have not shrunk, also known as atrophied, in ways that are common for others of their age group.

They lose 1.06% of their brain volume annually, compared to the 2.24% of their peers.3

Their brains have higher levels of a specific type of neuron, called Von Economo neurons.4

The fibers in their brains do not get tangled in the ways that are markers of Alzheimer's disease.5

Can You Become a SuperAger?

Even though studies about superagers continue to be underway, there's no doubt that some factors of being one are likely biological. In the same way that some people are born with higher intellect than others, it's safe to assume that some people's bodies and brains are simply inclined to resist certain symptoms of aging better than others.


However, even with the knowledge that there is probably a genetic component to becoming a superager, The Mesulam Center for Cognitive Neurology and Alzheimer's Disease does think that lifestyle factors play a role in the retention of brain cells. Let's take a look at their suggestions for helping your brain remain as strong as possible as you grow older.


How to Improve Your Memory as You Age

There are several different lifestyle habits that you can adopt to increase your chances of becoming a superager.6 While these lifestyle habits don't have any way to guarantee that you'll become one, the good news is that they are all health habits to adopt in general. They have the potential to increase your well-being, happiness, and fitness, in addition to helping improve your brain power and memory.


Challenge Yourself Mentally

The saying "get comfortable being uncomfortable" applies well to those who want to become superagers. In order to keep your brain strong, it's important to perform activities that fall outside your comfort zone. Neuroplasticity is our brains' ability to change as we learn new things; that means that the act of learning something new can actually enable your brain to change physically.


Of course, you don't have to do anything unpleasant in challenging your brain: The goal is to be able to do things that are outside your comfort zone, not that make you miserable! There are many ways to keep your brain strong with activities you enjoy. Some ways you might choose to challenge yourself mentally include:


Learn a new language

Take an online or in-person class

Play word games, do puzzles, or play board games

Break your routine, such as by taking new routes on errands

Learn a craft, such as knitting or crocheting

Be Active

It's well known that exercise is good for both your physical and your mental health, so it's no surprise that superagers tend to be active. However, you don't have to go to the gym if that isn't something you enjoy. There are many ways to be active, and if you do the ones you enjoy most, you'll be the most likely to stick with them over time. Some activities that aren't standard calisthenics or weight training exercise but still raise your heart rate and are beneficial are:


Dancing

Swimming or other water activities

Hiking

Walking

Taking the stairs instead of an elevator

Sports

Bowling

Frisbee

Eat Vital Nutrients

Just like it's common knowledge that being active is good for your longevity, most people also know that eating well can help you to live a more nourished life. Some nutrients are particularly good for your brain, and others can detract from its ability to perform well. In addition to eating less sugar, you'll want to ensure you eat sufficient amounts of the following nutrients that help your brain to thrive. These foods have been shown to help protect your brain from decline:


Leafy green vegetables, such as lettuce, spinach, and kale7

Fatty fish8

Coffee and tea9

Berries10

Be Social and Enjoy Life

The team at Northwestern note that "SuperAgers tend to report strong social relationships with others." It's actually a good thing for your brain to keep social connections as you grow older, and your brain will benefit from socializing with others in person. Maintaining connection with others can be an excellent choice in general for your mental health, as it can help stave off loneliness and depression.


In addition to spending time with friends, superagers know to focus on more than just a healthy lifestyle—they also have fun. Some consume alcohol moderately, which, provided it is not overconsumed, helps to reduce the risk of getting Alzheimer's disease.11 Whatever you enjoy, make sure that you keep space in your schedule for it. And if you enjoy it with a friend, that's even better.


A Word From Verywell

It's normal to experience cognitive decline as you age, and women may experience its onset more quickly than men do. If you have noticed that your memory is not as strong as it used to be, it's worth seeing a professional to rule out any illness such as Alzheimer's Disease.


11 Sources

He can dish it out but he can't take it. PERIOD

 cant take any criticism of anything about him what he says thinks or does

yet ruthlessly is critical of everyone and me constantly on a daily basis


He just told me he is not crazy everybody else is

INSTANT

 instantly feel better

remove self from any one, person, place or thing that makes me feel bad in any way

avoid like the plague any type of person or thing that emanates bad vibrations

instant pleasure/joy in food, thoughts, sex, movement, activities

breathing is the fastest way to achieve calm, relaxation, good vibes



Careful of all things I do around a Psycho

 my appearance, the way i dress, walk, talk, look, sound, smell, 

he watches closely what i do, each and every look, expression, tone of my voice, how i smell, 

he tries to figure out what i am doing, what i am thinking and tries to direct my thoughts to what he is thinking and feeling at the moment... i maintain my own thoughts which frustrates him to the max

how i act/react ..he is looking for a reaction from me, usually a bad one like anger, hatred, etc to reflect his own feelings of wrath

i need to learn to be quiet, don't say what i am going to do, what i want or think or feel

never give detailed answers. he questions every breath i take, every move i make and i want to explain and i need to STOP explaining immediately..he understands NOTHING

never reveal plans, goals, dreams, desires, finances, 

be grey/gray rock neutral all of the time 

so he has no idea what i am thinking or feeling at any moment

it is just like in so many movies i have seen about crazy people, usually men, that are psychotic, neurotic, obsessed, 

so i can act nice and give him what he apparently wants at the moment like cookies and a bunch of junk food instant trash


You get what you got. You are your thoughts

 same thing my mother in law told me back in 1982 when she gave me the book Key to yourself. she said all the self help mastery books teach the same thing: it is in your thoughts. it all begins, it starts there. in your mind.


He wants me to look as bad as he feels

 subconsciously pushing his fears upon me and expecting me to react badly to all nasty news stories of how terrible the world is. 

i have to get away. 


Old bastard.

 Rigid. fixed. incorrigible. self induced stress. aging faster each day.

his self talk is fear, negativity, doomsday, control. detests change. disasters focused. 

beliefs stated we are getting old older. 

hopeless attitude


Take control of myself. Return to my natural being

I/we want others to feel like we feel

Thursday, February 6, 2025

My aunt Ruth was always single. She never married

Dogpatch

 type of girl he is used to

trash trashy cheap eats trash junk food and lots of sweets

ignorant, dirty, can't clean house and do deep cleaning

piles things all over the place

goes along with whatever he wants in any way shape form or fashion

fake fakes it and he believes it and the lies

works a minimum wage job

has no formal education, maybe didn't even graduate high school

never has plenty of her own money

is his whore slave and

secretly screws lots of guys he doesn't know about

wears too much makeup

hair is done up and lots of spray on it

breaks her back doing the work of men the things he likes to do

jumps fast to his beck and call without thinking

looks and dresses cheap

low class and stupid which he thinks is the way all women are and should be to match his mentality

incapable of abstract thinking

relies purely on physical things that are obvious just like him

has rotten and missing teeth like him due to massive sugar intake






Death is the answer. Phoenix rising. Walk away. Never look back.

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

New

 home job career education car surgery location name social security number

life is  new

no past history

no social media

no trackability

keep to myself at home and work if i have a job. no mingling with neighbors coworkers. private life.

no regulars who see me know about my private life


Pluses I have going for me

 finances are separate. he has zero access to accounts

i am slim trim intelligent fairly healthy even though my back is severely curved 58 degrees to the left

i have no dependents

i can sleep when i need to

i think outside of the box


I cant be myself around him. This is not a friend nor is it love

 https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-abstract-reasoning-5181522

Class. classes of people

 class. grade. level. type. 

status determined by level of comprehension. emotional maturity state.

not determined by financial state or formal education.

people who differ in class clash.

they cant communicate effectively with each other

sub mature man or woman with more mature person will fight, not get along. on different wavelengths. 2 immature people will fight most of the time.

in this relationship of marriage i finally realize this. we are on very different planes . explains why communication is difficult and why problems exist and have been there since day one.

educating him is nearly impossible. his personality is genetic. his upbringing shaped him. all experiences are interpreted solely through him and i cant teach him how to relate like i do. 

if i had reached a very high level of maturity i would not be here . i would know it is useless to fight which is not what i attempt to do. i attempt to reach understandings and explain myself repeatedly to no avail. exhausting myself mentally physically trying to explain abstract and concrete things to a man who cant comprehend.

he grew up fighting narcs in his entire family. he did not learn ordinary manners. table. food. courtesy opening doors. using euphemisms. being empathetic. honoring boundaries. respecting recognizing appreciating . these are foreign to his learning. 

grandma would have called him low class poor white trash. 



Tuesday, February 4, 2025

Cowards

 Won't defend others

Won't say anything to risk losing 

Donate money to lost causes and phony organizations instead of proactive actions helping those people in need

Scared to death

Won't admit fears

Set themselves up for failures

Hurt the people closest to them more than anyone else 

Tie things up and family down 

Cause chaos and confusion 

Destroy other people's creations and ideas

Maintain trashy bad attitudes 

Rarely compliment or support their spouse partner







Boring bored people I know do these things

easily bored and very boring and often predictable

feel like they need and have to be entertained constantly

lack instrospection. do not meditate. do not reflect. 

never look at themselves in the mirror closely


watch the same tv shows, movies over and over then complain to me if i do the same thing saying i dont know why you watch that more than once

can't find something fun to do so have to watch others do it on tape, dvd, any kind of recording

 favorite games often chess, could be cards, monopoly, checkers etc. typically play same game over and over and think they must win

watch videos as much as possible instead of doing fun things

avoid doing real cleaning, housework, laundry and leave their freaking messes for me to do

don't want things moved around

sit in the chair, recliner or bed watching the tv, the laptop, cell phone etc and ignore me

criticize the way i look even though there is nothing wrong with my looks

nitpick my food choices and cooking

prefer fast food junk trash over real food

think they are the smartest men/man around 

talk about only the things they like which pumps their ego and

try to make me feel insignificant, stupid, incapable, ugly and worthless

lack imagination and creativity ; this is why they watch others constantly

are inflexible, rigid, fixed in attitudes, like and dislikes

think their opinion is fact

believe they are smarter than me and everyone else

watch news, weather, sports often

don't really have much of a life

treat spouse, partner/mate/wife/husband like worthless trash





You need to make me some cookies..said by the ex and current husband..

 wtf? go get your own fkking cookies. i am not your baker and maid and slave


Idiot box creates stupid people who ignore their own wife, family.

 Idiot box creates stupid people who ignore their own wife, family. They are easily bored and have the most boring personalities. 

Men I have been with sit in front of the screen sucking up videos of other people while the house is in disarray.

He would rather have his face stuck in a monitor or cell phone than do things with me. 

He does not enjoy or appreciate being with me.

He loves to watch all kinds of porn varying from soft to medium to hard.

Movies that are apparently for family viewing such as Anne of Green Gables, nothing more than a form of soft porn so he can have his eyes glued to a very young pubescent girl who happens to be cute, pretty and beautiful.

He has no idea what the story is about or what she is saying. She, in fact, is alot like me in her outspokenness and doing the right things. 

Anne stands up for people like I do. And he doesn't see it at all.

He just watches videos because he likes to look at the pictures.

Sames goes for when he watches the spanish channel which shows beautiful women . He can't speak or understand any Latin language. 

He just looks at the pictures. Like the men I saw at a store one day who were looking at videos on a tv in the store. Movies and news showing beautiful women. They weren't listening to what she was saying at all. Just watching the videos. Ignoring the store.

Good excuse for him and my ex and many other men (like my dead friend John Layson) in this world to look at a wide variety of girls and women that turn them on.

Why look at me or pay attention to me? He can view all kinds of beautiful girls on television, the internet, in movies.

These people have poor social skills, can't communicate properly. They lack imagination and sometimes don't know what to do with themselves. They don't create their own life and end up living it through the television screen, the cell phone, the computer monitor internet.

This behavior is what caused me to divorce the last husband. All he wanted to do is watch cable tv, rent movies and wake me up in the middle of the night while he had a hard core porn video playing on the tv with no sound, mute was on while he was raping me in my sleep.





Monday, February 3, 2025

Age 11 I began planning suicide

 Went to a funeral of my cousin Paulette Shraps in California when I was about 10 or 11. She was 25 or 26 years old when she was killed in a car/auto accident. Hit by a drunk driver. She was beautiful. Long dark hair. Laying there in the casket she looked alive. So very pretty. Everybody mourned for her death. So sad. I did not understand dying and what this was all about.

I wanted to die because the household I lived in was insane. To die young. Look perfect and get it over with. Knowing what I know now I wish I would have succeeded in committing suicide. Attempted it a few times. Obviously failed. 

A nurse named Nancy who was the girlfriend of my uncle Ken/Kenneth Daniel Mitchell in Las Vegas, Nevada told me if you cut your wrists right along the vein you will succeed in bleeding to death. The doctors and nurses wouldn't be able to fix or repair the cuts, especially if you went deep into the vein.

 We visited Nancy and my uncle Ken in Vegas the year 1972 or 1973, I went to the funeral of my cousin Paulette. Nancy had no idea why I asked about wrist cutting. 

At age 17, I cut both my wrists along the vein and did NOT succeed. Nancy was wrong. I was 7-8 months pregnant at the time and wanted both of us to die. I knew the future was going to be bad. Boy, was I right. The child I gave birth to, born in December, 1978 is now 46 years old. He had a life of living hell and still lives in junk trash hell. He is a real mess with severe psychotic paranoid schizophrenic issues and god knows what else. 

I came back home to my dad's house after I cut my wrists. I found some old towels and wrapped them around my bloody wrists to cover it up. Didn't want anyone to see. They didn't see so no one asked me about them. It was winter time. November. Cold outside so i could wear a jacket to cover my arms.

Age 18 I took a bunch of over the counter sleeping pills. It did not work.

In my 30s I tried again with otc pink pills. And I had been drinking. Failed again.

30 years later I have thought up many ways to do it. Decided next time I will not fail. 

Concerned about the money situation because husband is all about money I know that life insurance like accidental death and dismemberment, the only one we have, will not cover it if they deem it to be a suicide. Only a real accident is covered. 

At some point I may decide to hell with it all. Do it anyway regardless of the fact no one would get any money for my death. 

All anyone cares about is money. No one values anything about me unless I can spend some money or do things for them for free or very cheap. 

I am just a meaningless nobody, a no one thing no one gives one rats about. My permanent disappearance from this earth and life would be a blessing to many people in many ways. 






123 lbs today i weigh

 ate nothing yesterday

then had a bm this morning

last food was butter cookies 3 am on

feb 1

finally ate food at 930 pm feb 3, 2025

leftover hamburger, pickles, lettuce, one piece whole grain toast, mustard, suddenly salad noodles with added veg; celery, onion, olives, carrots, broccoli



I now realize he is completely insane

 like his brothers 

jerry, gerald olney

william

john lee

larry

and sisters

and mother and father

and uncle norman noah rutherford


He is all the things he accuses others of being

 ignorant, weak, stupid, slow, greedy, selfish, mean, critical, judgmental, hypocritical, prejudiced, ugly, hateful, unpleasant, scared, afraid, intolerant, unloving, unloved, resentful, vengeful, evil, criminal, untalented, antisocial, impatient, rude, impolite, lustful, prideful, egotistical, suspicious, untrustworthy, backhanded, sarcastic, full of snide comments, nosey, into other peoples business, paranoid, sneaky, cunning, doesnt care about anyone but himself, angry, tempermental, 

sloppy, dirty. cluttered. lying

2 faced. uses people. looks for vulnerable victims.

secretive. hides things money activities.

not sympathetic or empathetic.

perverted. disorganized, thoughtless. complicated. 

convoluted. twisted. incurable. incorrigible. unteachable.

rough. 

crazy. 


My mom warned me about people who want to PICK a FIGHT

Everything is a FIGHT with him. If peace is there he CAUSES a fight

https://abbymedcalf.com/the-five-reasons-people-pick-fights-and-three-things-to-do-about-it/


 https://www.wellandgood.com/picking-fights-no-reason/

Picking fights for no reason


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Relationship Tips

Therapists Reveal What It Really Means When It Feels Like Your Partner Picks Fights for No Reason


Erica Sloan

Updated January 11, 2024

Thumbnail for Therapists Reveal What It Really Means When It Feels Like Your Partner Picks Fights for No Reason

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It’s easy to see and feel the damage wrought by a blow-out fight in a relationship. But the strain caused by a partner picking fights for no reason (you know, the little arguments over how you made the bed or looked at them in a funny way) can be more insidious. Sure, you might be able to resolve these minor disagreements as quickly as they started. But if the *real* reason why you're always fighting isn't addressed (whether at home or in couples therapy), this bickering can wear at the quality of your relationship over time, generating a baseline level of tension that puts you on edge in any interaction with your partner.




Experts In This Article

Abby Medcalf, PhD, clinical psychologist

Paulette Sherman, PsyD, psychologist, relationship expert, and host of The Love Psychologist podcast

Tracy Ross, LCSW, New York City-based couples and family therapist

No matter how pointless these fights may feel, they often speak to some underlying issue within the person picking the fights or the relationship in question. “I’ve had whole sessions with couples about how someone loads the dishwasher,” says couples therapist Tracy Ross, LCSW. “But it’s not really about the dishwasher. It’s about holding each other in mind and accepting each other's influence.” The person picking the fight in this example, she says, might really be questioning their partner’s listening skills (Didn’t they hear me when I asked them to load the dishwasher this way?) or empathy (Don’t they care about how their actions affect me, or about making me happy?).


“When [constant fighting] is the climate in a relationship, the positive emotional currency is quickly drained.” —Tracy Ross, LCSW, couples therapist


Understanding your partner’s behavior and uncovering the real reason why they may be picking fights for (what seems like) no reason can help you avoid the rabbit hole of everything becoming a fight. “When this is the climate in a relationship, the positive emotional currency is quickly drained,” says Ross.


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Below, you’ll find therapist insights on the motivations behind a person’s tendency to pick fights with a partner about random or unimportant things, as well as advice for mitigating this kind of relationship conflict.


5 reasons why your partner is picking fights for what feels like no reason

1. They’re craving attention

At the very least, picking fights for no reason in a relationship forces attention on the person picking them—which, according to therapist insights, may be all that your partner is seeking from you (albeit, in a not-so-great way). “If a person is feeling lonely, unseen, or as if they’re not a priority to their partner, they might pick a fight as a bid for connection,” says Ross.


As an example of what picking fights for attention may look like, consider this scenario: Your partner arrives home and asks how your day was, but you don’t look up from your phone to respond. “They may feel slighted, hurt, unimportant, or simply disappointed about not having that momentary connection, so when you then ask for a glass of water, their response may be to pick a fight,” says Ross—say, about why you can't get the water yourself.


Of course, the fight here isn’t actually about the glass of water; it’s about the attention that your partner is seeking from you but not receiving, says Ross. They’re just not capable of or choosing to communicate that desire more productively in the moment.



2. They fear or reject the idea of real intimacy

Some people may actually find it difficult to tolerate too much harmony, says Ross, as paradoxical as that may sound. After all, harmony often fosters a relationship dynamic of intimacy, closeness, and connection—with which many people are uncomfortable, says clinical psychologist Abby Medcalf, PhD, author of Be Happily Married.


Perhaps your partner would rather avoid intimacy than do the vulnerable work of opening up and trusting you with their feelings. In this case, “picking fights for no apparent reason is the perfect way to keep [you] at a distance and keep themselves ‘safe,’” says Dr. Medcalf.


It's also possible that your partner may be so afraid of getting their heart broken should they get too close to you, that they manufacture random relationship conflicts in order to prevent that. This is a common tendency in people with an insecure attachment style, says Ross: “[In these people], there is this underlying fear that their loved one’s attention and affection will be withdrawn at any moment. A coping mechanism is to pick a fight in order to beat them to the punch.”


In a similar realm, an insecurely attached partner may also feel unworthy of the kind of love you might be willing to provide—so, they end up self-sabotaging and picking fights for no reason in a relationship in order to prove themselves right, says Dr. Medcalf. “They pick fights, the other person rejects them, and they say to themselves, ‘I knew it! When things get a little tough, they’re not there for me,’” she says. “They’re testing their partner and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of being abandoned or rejected.”



3. They’re seeking the upper hand in the relationship

Speaking of self-sabotage... It’s also possible that a person picking fights for no reason is doing so as a way to ensure they’re in control of the relationship—at all (very real) costs.


“Many people are uncomfortable when things are going well,” says Dr. Medcalf. “It makes them feel out of control and anxious, as if they’re constantly ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop,’” she says. Whereas, when they’re fighting, they’re engaging the other person on a certain level, which makes them feel better because at least they’re seemingly in control of things, she says.



4. That’s how they learned to communicate as a child

In some cases, a person might not even realize that the little fights they’re constantly starting are fights, particularly if bickering was a familiar aspect of the relationship dynamics in their childhood home. “How you saw your parents or siblings relate to one another and to you is how you learned the ‘right way’ to communicate, listen, and understand yourself,” says Dr. Medcalf.


“How you saw your parents or siblings relate to one another and to you is how you learned the ‘right way’ to communicate, listen, and understand yourself.” —Abby Medcalf, PhD, clinical psychologist


If your partner grew up in an environment where adults in their vicinity were constantly fighting with each other, they might have learned that fighting is how you show others that you care, says Dr. Medcalf, which may be why they’re perpetuating these emotional patterns in your relationship.


5. Picking fights for no reason has become a habit of theirs

Like any negative relationship behavior, the more that a partner is picking fights for no reason, the easier it is for that to become the default emotional pattern, says Ross: “It’s easy to just inadvertently keep the negativity going if that is your ‘go-to’ habit.”


How to improve communication and trust in your relationship

First things first: When you’re dealing with someone who starts fights for no reason, it’s important to remember to be compassionate, no matter how difficult that may feel, says Dr. Medcalf, especially as you’re trying to understand your partner’s behavior and emotional patterns and triggers. Given the above, your fight-starting partner may very well be operating from a place of loneliness, fear, or insecurity—all of which are emotions deserving of your kindness.


You can de-escalate things and avoid communication issues by first determining the particular emotion that is driving them to spark conflict in the first place. Often, an argumentative person may subconsciously expect you to just figure out the problem by “reading their mind,” says Ross. (As in: He should know, I’ve told him this so many times, or Why doesn’t she just do it?)


To keep from falling into this trap, take a moment during the next seemingly meaningless conflict with your partner to ask about what’s really going on, says Dr. Medcalf. “Stop the conversation, say what you’re feeling, and then ask how they’re feeling. For example, you might say, ‘I’m feeling a lot of tension all of a sudden. How are you feeling right now?’” she suggests.


At first, your partner might deflect or fire back defensively, but you can guide them toward communicating actual emotions by continuing to share your own. “Remember that picking fights is largely unconscious,” says Dr. Medcalf. “They probably don’t realize that they’re doing it, but by asking them again to name a feeling, you’ll effectively bring them into the present moment.”


Once they hopefully state an emotion (e.g., "I feel upset that you aren’t taking my needs into account"), you can respond to and connect with that feeling, rather than just bickering about whatever surface-level thing started the argument in the first place. This way, the two of you can participate in a productive conversation, which creates a joint opportunity to take care of your relationship and build trust, says Ross.


In that framework, you’re also not laying the blame for the bickering on just your partner (for “starting it”), and they’re not laying the blame on just you (for “causing them to start it”). Instead, says Ross, you’re viewing it as a mutual bad habit that you have to work on together—at home or in couples therapy—in order to break.


Frequently Asked Questions About Picking Fights for No Reason

Why do I pick fights for no reason?

If *you're* the one picking fights with your partner for seemingly no reason, it's helpful to do some self-reflection along the lines of the therapist insights above. Perhaps you are actually seeking attention from a partner that you feel you don't get unless you're arguing; or maybe you're grappling with unresolved issues around intimacy and closeness—and fighting is the way you keep yourself from having to get vulnerable with a partner.


You may also be driven to pick fights in response to particular emotional triggers, or your communication style could be influenced by argumentative relationship dynamics you observed during your upbringing. Or perhaps you're just starting fights due to stress, exhaustion, or lack of sleep (all common reasons why people wind up fighting on vacation).


If, after some reflection, you still aren’t sure why you're picking fights with your partner (or are looking for signs someone is picking a fight with you, instead), it may be worth looking into couples therapy. This will give you and your partner a safe space to discuss communication issues (and teach you how to save a relationship from fighting that never ends).


What are some signs someone is purposely picking fights with you?

There are numerous signs someone is picking a fight with you, and if you spot them early, you may be able to de-escalate things before they get too heated. “Some signs can be that they are passive-aggressive (they say one thing and do another), attack your character, or ignore and stonewall you when you’re talking to them or are asking for something,” says psychologist and couples therapist Paulette Sherman, PsyD, author of Dating from the Inside Out, noting that these are all common triggers for why couples fight.


Elements of personality can also influence how someone may go about picking a fight with you—which is why you might also learn something by reading up on what to expect from different zodiac signs in a fight, some of which are better at conflict resolution than others.


What is a person who likes to argue called?

According to Dr. Sherman, a person who is always looking for a fight is called a “scrapper” or a “contrarian,” and there are many reasons why they may be so argumentative. “Sometimes this gives them [a sense of] control over situations,” she says. “They can seem like a bully, but they often have low self-esteem, and winning an argument can temporarily make them feel better about themselves, or powerful.” Or, again, they might pick fights because of emotional triggers or unresolved issues from past relationships. But it’s not always that deep; some individuals simply enjoy arguing for no reason at all.


What is the 3-day rule after an argument?

If you’ve never heard of the “three-day rule” after an argument, it says that people in a relationship should spend time away from each other for three days—we’re talkin’ no contact whatsoever—after things get heated in a fight. Dr. Sherman says that while this totally works for some couples (and if that’s you, go for it!), it can be nearly impossible for others. “This can seem extreme, for example, if you’re married, cohabitate, and have kids together,” she says.


If you need a quicker resolution, Dr. Sherman suggests opting for a 30-minute cool-off period apart, instead. “Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a marital researcher, suggests taking 30 minutes when you’re flooded to lower your blood pressure and get back to baseline,” she says. “During this time, do a meditation, and don’t think about or discuss the fight.” (Or, you can go for some solo scream therapy—you do you.) “Then, you can come back to discuss it in a calm manner.”


If 30 minutes isn’t enough, Dr. Sherman says you can both agree to wait 24 hours to discuss the fight, so that there's enough space and time for solo reflection—but you also don’t need to avoid each other entirely during that time.


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