I must have mold on the brain and my whole body is loaded with mold fungi bugs and toxic waste from all of it
Tuesday, June 25, 2024
I feel better when I leave this house
Currently feeling like crap
Tired. Coughing and hacking up phlegm for over a week now
Just ate breakfast at 4 pm. Now need to rest
For many years I remember noticing how much better I feel as soon as I get out of this house
I don't know what it is. Don't know why.
Told my son back in 2020 I noticed I feel better in his house and the only thing I concluded was it must be the air. Quality of air must be much better than in my house.
This house makes me sick
What I spend my time doing
Trying to maintain my sanity
Trying to survive living with an insane person
Watching videos about narcissist and sociopath so I can deal with it daily
Researching health and nutrition, mental health
Dealing with chronic and intense back pain daily
Unable to maintain regular levels of energy on a daily basis do to health issues which I now suspect is mold related caused induced perpetuated by the things we have in the house. This has been going on for eons. Mold fungi fungus dander dirt dust mites bugs roaches all kinds of pest and people allergies
Food experiments. Shopping for food. Finding food. Eating in peace anytime I possibly can.
Concluding I can't communicate with one who is unable to
Monday, June 24, 2024
CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS HE DOES, HAS DONE, STILL DOES
TELLING ME NOT TO WASH MY FACE IN THE SINK BECAUSE IT SPLASHES WATER. HE TOLD ME THIS STUPIDITY MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO. SICK, BECAUSE WASHING THE FACE IS VERY GOOD AND REQUIRED FOR HEALTH
ATTEMPTING TO STOP WHATEVER I AM DOING IF HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT
DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I EVEN LOOK INTO ANOTHER ROOM, GO INTO A ROOM, GO OUT THE DOOR, MOVE MY VEHICLE OUTSIDE, HANG CLOTHES OUT
NOT NORMAL THINGS TO DO. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO LIVE
WEARING HEADPHONES/EARPHONES ALL THE TIME
CONFINE ONESELF TO THE HOUSE
24/7 NEWS LISTENING
FOLLOWING HOUSE MEMBERS AROUND NOT ALLOWING THEM TO DO ANYTHING, MOVE THINGS, CLEAN, EAT
HE DOES THIS STUFF AND THINKS IT IS NORMAL
HE SAYS NUCLEAUR WAR IS IMMINENT. JUST WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN, LIKE RUSSIA TO HIT US,
A WOMAN CANT CLEAN HOUSE WHEN HE THE MAN IS AT HOME
HE SITS ON THE COUCH OR CHAIR AND DOES NOTHING BUT SHOOT IDIOTIC ORDERS AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AND MAKE DUMB COMMENTS
I cant continue living in clutter and insanity
i am still weak feeling moving slow and in recovery from this cold flu virus whatever it is
and each and every thing i do every ,move he sees is screaming at me for it
saying i am just moving things around in my room for no reason
he refuses to allow proper intense house cleaning
this house is full of bugs, not only the visible spiders, ants, roaches i saw a huge on in my bathroom last night, the spider crawling on me while i slept, ants in the bathroom, millipedes crawling up from the bathroom floor and this house if full of invisible bugs .... the ones i cannot see or directly smell
MAJOR HOUSE CLEANING NEEDED.
IT IS CALLED GETTING RID OF BUG INFESTED TRASH INSIDE THIS HOUSE AND ON THE OUTSIDE
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO CLEAN HOUSE WHILE THE MAN IS AT HOME SITTING ON THE COUCH/CHAIR WATCHING AND NOT DOING A FUCKING THING BUT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING DONT MOVE THAT DONT CLEAN THAT OFF DONT DUST THAT DONT GET THAT WET
Sunday, June 23, 2024
He sleeps in garage listens to lindell lunatic all night long
While asleep . While awake.
And hours upon hours all day long morning til night at bedtime
He breathes, drinks, eats, lives for conspiracy theory news
Alex Jones bitchute
Two sisters
both "grown up" now in their 40s
one is ultra masculine ends up with feminine type guys she calls 'needy'
one is ultra feminine ends up with ultra masculine male(s)
both chose govt based careers, attended good colleges and universities, fit the status quo, are loved by their groups they belong to at work, in their circle of friends and associates
rigid routines fixed procedures rules in organizations, military, hospital
doesnt have to think, rules are in the corps books told what to do so standard procedure is easy to follow, to do
Having to wear glasses is one of the MOST frustrating things of all for me
I detest having to wear them, deal with them
have them hanging on a string around my neck
in my way when I am doing things that don't require glasses
having to keep track of them
having to constantly clean them
He likes everything in a kit, a box. Disallows creativity
inhibits freedom of movement
and variations of anything anyone any animal
The wicked man
Makes things harder than they need to be
Keeps things difficult
wont change mind or ways
doesnt go out of way to make anyone happy
wants the best for self only
gives the worst/least best to others
feels entitled to all for the self
complains constantly
rarely appreciates or compliments anyone or anything
treats others the worst and expects best work and behavior out of them
mean m e a n
Public personality different than private
To outside public neighbors he appears calm not rattled rational sensible common ordinary mild mechanical reasonable hard working meek agreeable clean neat organized together
Little do they know of the anxious fearful skeptical paranoid distrustful threatening terrorist actions behaviors hypocritical micromanaging unsure and cocksure hateful egotistical arrogant name calling sneaky opinionated illogical imaginary accusatory restrictive unreasonable goings on at home
I will learn to not eat or prepare food in front of him at home
Every meal is a fiasco involving one or more of the following bad things:
Him finding something wrong with something about the food and making a long focal point ordeal about what is wrong: not cooked the way he thinks it should be, too spicy, not spicy enough, bland, greasy, dry, too hot/cold, wrong temperature, moldy, not cut into size of pieces he likes , strange flavors smell he doesn't like, too much food, trying to tell me how much food I can eat on my plate, says don't make a pig of yourself, don't eat too much,
Expects me to like the same food he likes
Offering me food like cranberry sauce or dessert I don't want with my meal and repeatedly asking me if I want some . I never eat dessert before or during my meal or directly after the meal. I wait awhile usually at least an hour after finishing my food and frequently don't eat dessert at all
Telling me I use too much salad dressing, bbq sauce, mustard, any sauce especially steak sauce
Pounding into my head the fact he doesn't like a particular food like the garlic and green olives I bought
Him playing conspiracy theory videos I don't want to watch
Me left with dishes and pans and countertops and table mess to clean up
Him spying on each bit of food I have gauges what it is if he wants some he takes it or says I want some or can I have a bite
Him coming up behind my chair while I am eating and not facing me and often grabbing food off my plate or bowl or saying that looks good I might have some even though I may not have extra for him
Him reaching over my shoulder grabbing a bag of chips or whatever food it is and eating a few
Him sticking his fingers in my food if I leave the plate on the counter or table while I am busy doing something else and I sometimes catch him doing it
Him commenting that stinks if I have asparagus parmesan Romano blue cheese seafood boiled crab shrimp fish and continues repeating the complaints as long as he smells it
Him unable to pay attention to the meal by feeding cats while we eat putting food away before I am done
Him unable to put all 3 courses of food on his plate before he sits down to eat
Him grabbing food I am cutting up on the board and eating it before the meal is ready to eat
Him eating various snacks especially cookies and or bits of chopped veggies fruit cheese while I am fixing a meal putting his hands on the cutting board grabbing my chef's knife
Him being distracted by his cell phone or something outside or cats or the home phone ringing he immediately jumps up to answer
Him becoming upset if I am experimenting with food recipes and make something he doesn't like then yelling don't waste your time making something unless it tastes good
He can't listen to any subject I am talking about without changing the subject and or talking about something he sees in the vicinity
Him taking over the bbq grill if I am starting or doing it
Him making his own bbq sauce concoction and putting it on food that I tell him I don't want. I don't want bbq sauce on hamburgers of mine or ham.
Worse than add attention deficit disorder. It's control freak I ness
Him saying you should watch this those news videos he knows I don't want to see. Insisting repeatedly badgering. I have already seen plenty of them he forced me to watch
Saturday, June 22, 2024
Not one listened
About cleaning up the area, the self and fastidious hand washing and covering coughing and sneezing
Johnny and John both filthy . One a drug addict alcoholic sex fiend preyed mostly on teen girls.The other obsessive hoarder never cleaned house car work floors nothing. Sex aberration pervert into bdsm sadomasochism. Had alias name Joe Smith.
Screaming yelling fighting with these pigs did no good. They remained dirt bags. One homeless liver and bone cancer before death. The other had houseful crammed. Spent last two years of life bedridden unable to walk. He got blood poisoning in left foot from severe cut unclean and house filthy never cleaned in over 25 years.
Hub 1 Perry dead 2014 age 64. Had no house of own staying with mother sister any one anywhere . Sex fiend. Who knows how many girls and women he laid.
Hub 2. Ed. Constantly fighting with him to pick up after himself would not do it. Rarely showered until stinking bad . Me sick often living with unclean him.
Hub 3. Showers when sweating and stinky and not covering sneezing and handling anything not conscientious of all but getting a little better sometimes. Daily handling filthy grease, junk, trash, all kinds of chemicals. Puts mouth on stuff I would not dream of doing. Grease on doors refrigerator door etc. bathroom disgusting.
Head like an ass hole
Can't enjoy a thing
Makes each experience miserable
Maximizes faults, mistakes
Criticizes everyone everything to death
Rarely thanks genuinely appreciates compliments anyone about anything
Some say what they think someone in public wants to hear
In order to get approval and votes and money
He has always easily tossed me away
Like he doesn't give a shit fuck crap about me
I should have known it started in the beginning and I didn't understand it or believe it
What a pure dee fool I am
He frequently waits till last minute to tell me or anyone
Something important or something trivial
To ask someone over for dinner while he's cooking bbq as if everyone will drop everything they are doing at a minutes notice
Can't make plans on the calendar
Has his own calendar . Impulsive decides what to do daily, expects me to tolerate this unpredictable shit
Even the wedding was a fiasco
The home wedding was supposed to be only my dad who gave me away the best man and my son who recorded it on vcr camcorder and all the sudden his whole family showed up without my knowledge. I was not told, warned, had no way of planning anything.
He calls the neighbor to tell her someone is going to show up to get stuff he sold out of her shed at the last minute
I/We hope to see a smile
I love to see smiles
Some love to see frowns, the upside down smile
happy loves company
misery loves company
No Loss to have an angry person exit my presence / life
I am not concerned anymore about "losing" certain individuals to anyone
as it is truly no loss but a gain to have toxic angry poisonous people away from me
No one is going to want to be with an insidious egotistical selfish fool
It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently." -- Warren Buffett
"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently."
-- Warren Buffett
Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction." -- Aesop
Your Daily Quotation:
"Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction."
-- Aesop
Friday, June 21, 2024
Pressure cooker halal lamb and beef stew
Cooking it outside on the back patio
1043 pm. Half way done
Going to add potatoes after it cooked 12 minutes on low pressure. Cook another 12 minutes
Diced whole yellow onion
2 diced russet potatoes
5 cloves garlic, smashed and minced
1 cup diced raw carrots
1 cup chopped cauliflower
1/2 cup chopped fresh broccoli
Things I have to do living with a husband who expects me to not cook in the house when it's hot outside
WE Fight to maintain our "rightness"
even when confronted with proof of our "wrongness"
we /I will pridefully say I am right, nature and science is wrong , I can defy physics and chemistry
Thursday, June 20, 2024
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
Slept in bad shape til noon
Brown rice I cooked in microwave. 1 chicken bouillon cube. Touch of curry and turmeric
Back to bed now . Feverish . Internal pain kidney ovaries area back pain
Chest congestion coughed right after I ate the rice. Crap mucus came up my throat almost puked
Sore throat chest fever kicked in about an hour ago
Came home from swimming at j Thomas Lovell community center tonight
Just started feeling this crap
Hope it goes away fast
It's hotter than hell outside
Makes no sense to get sick
Monday, June 17, 2024
Yesterday was 7 minutes ago
June 16
Tired All day.
Managed to stay awake from 11 am to 530 pm then napped a little over an hour til 630ish.
An hour ago I filled an entire brown paper grocery bag with expired vitamins, herbs, food and tea bag items that were in my bedroom. I will sneak them out to take to public trash can soon and make sure he doesn't see me do it. I finally learned anything he sees he takes control over and will even concoct stories sometimes of his ownership of the items saying he bought that when I know in fact he didn't.
I've been keeping food in my bedroom for many years due to me never knowing whether or not I can eat in peace at home at the kitchen table like normal people do. Guess why? He blows up frequently, randomly, unpredictably or predictably. I have had to modify my eating to abnormal irregular times and take my food out of the house and into my vehicle van when I leave so I can eat in peace.
The strangest thing is the amnesia he seems to have the majority of the time when I tell him what he has done and said to me and often acts like he never said or did it or he will always minimize, rationalize and make excuses for his words and actions when he admits what he did.
He cannot accurately recount what he said or what I say. His tone of voice changes to nasty and mean often when he talks to me then he denies his nasty sounding voice and says I am talking nasty to him. His tone changes to nice or neutral instantly when he speaks to someone else. He says he told me things he never told me and accuses me of not listening to him when he is the one not listening to me. He can't answer a simple yes or no question.
I am wondering what he says and does when I am not with him and how many personalities he has. Maybe he says and does stuff he can't remember?
I can't prove most of what he has done as I don't have recordings of it all. I only have a few audio recordings. Those are nothing compared to the unrecorded things he has done.
My muscles are getting weaker due to the fatigue and the inability to freely do any tasks at home when I see it needs to be done . Fatigue I am figuring is likely caused by bleeding ulcers, the half black stool poop came out again today like almost every day which is old blood from the upper GI tract, then later in the evening pencil thin poop. Exhaustion from that and the chronic eggshells I have been walking on for many years living with him. I can never get enough sleep and when I do I am still tired.
If I could do house work every day like I used to do (with no one in my way questioning everything thing I do and frequently stopping me from doing common chores like vacuuming mopping or the like and no one taking over my chores like sweeping the house or outside areas) I would get a lot more exercise and be in better shape. As it is I am flabby but not fat overweight. Serious toning is needed.
This person is a control freak. And some times acts like if he does what I can do for myself is helping me but it's not and I tell him often to quit taking over what I want to do it's hurting me not helping one bit. He can't follow a simple request such as not turning the light on when he asks me if I want it on and I say no. He turns it on anyway. Every single time. He won't unlock or open the car door for me when we go somewhere like standard normal males or females do yet will offer to unlock the passenger side truck door when I tell him I don't need it unlocked that I will climb over the driver's seat.
Another crazy thing is he does things without telling me, with out asking or warning me, when I am asleep or gone or not in the room then says I don't do anything around here, am lazy, don't want to do anything, have never worked, never help him out, can't do anything and don't do anything the right way which is his way.
He says I don't know anything then expects me to know everything. When I tell him something I know he says "you think you know it all don't you."
It is the most confusing situation where nothing makes sense dealing with him and I feel hopeless a lot of the time because he seems to lack critical reasoning skills. He continually imagines and fabricates reasons for why he thinks anything happens.
He makes up shit as he goes along. Constantly thinking somebody is always up to something no good.
Sunday, June 16, 2024
Little Miss stupid idiot worthless know it all fool
Don't worry
Sarah , mom, she will do it
The shit jobs I don't want to do
That pay nothing or hardly anything
She can do all the crap duties I am too good to do because I consider her the equivalent of a piece of trash
While these a hole clowns are chasing money and buying things I am ...
Constantly researching and learning about health
Food, water, psychology/mental health, physical, biological health
Remembering history of self and others i have known, currently know and new people I meet daily
Ailments
Severe levoscoliosis
Ankylosing spondylitis
Ulcers
Gastritis
Duodenitis
Rectal bleeding, dark red, black, bright red
Ibs irritable bowel syndrome
Cataracts
Presbyopia
Astigmatism
Sleep disorder
Suicidal thoughts tendencies behaviors
Manic depression, depressive episodes
Low blood pressure
Scars from cystic acne, 2 caeserean sections
Hay fever, allergic rhinitis
Osteoarthritis severe
Varicose veins both lower legs calves
Vertigo, dizziness
Orthostatic hypotension
Saturday, June 15, 2024
Results of bad diet, wrong food, drink, chemicals, drugs, sleep and exercise imbalance
Results, effects of
Wrong food drink Bad diet
Psychosis
Schizophrenia
Metabolic syndrome
Diabetes
Obesity
Arthritis
Mood disorder
Insanity
Sleep problems
Hypertension
Heart disease
Liver damage, failure
Kidney failure
Blindness
Ankylosing Spondylitis I Have this
https://www.verywellhealth.com/ankylosing-spondylitis-overview-4582014
I worked in HEAT AND FREEZING COLD at several jobs HE WOULD NEVER DO
he would never work in the heat. period. he will work in the cold
i can't take the cold, my hands fingers swell turn dark red purple
he expects me to do stuff/sheeit that he would never do and i am not doing it anymore
he takes off and hides in cool areas when temps are above 80 ish, i hide under 4 layers of clothes and covers in the cold even below 65 degrees
i have worked all day long at the non air conditioned and non heated super flea nasty hot and freezing cold stink hole which i did every weekend for 9 years . a thing he expected me to do and he would never do, he couldn't handle it
i delivered auto parts in non a/c vehicles in the hot humid summers for 2 years, got overheated many times so had to run cold water over my head and neck and spray myself down so i woulnd't die from heat exhaustion.heat stroke
i worked in no a/c during summer heat months may june july august september even into october in apartments, mobile homes and houses remodelling painting cleaning filthy disgusting places
Allow him everything he wants. To be alone.
full control of the entire house, yard, cars,
EXCEPT MY BEDROOM AND BATHROOM
i have one room in this house, the master bedroom and a bathroom inside of it
i will stay completely out of his crap and he can have full run of the living room, kitchen, 2 car garage, the yard, the basement laundry room area, the 2nd middle bedroom and his bedroom and bath upstairs
he is obsessed with news politics trump so i will not say anything against it never voice my opinion as
he does not want to hear a freeking thing i have to say about anything
he can listen to the news full time 24 hours a day 7 days a week since that is what he wants to do. he only cares about outside events, the world politics and what the neighbors are doing and want him to do. he cares zero about me or anything about what i think feel want or need
absolutely NO COOKING in the house while it is hot outside
and he runs the ac in the garage or in his room or in the living room when he wants but NOT the one in my bedroom which is located on the south side of the house, the absoloute WORST place to have an air conditioning unit
He shits on everything about me. Eliminates joy and fun for everyone
got rid of my bike because he insisted on setting seat way too high for me
gets rid of cat toys i get every single time he puts them out of reach of the cat
calls me to harass me if he knows i am anywhere experiencing fun, joy such as fireworks display, visiting anyone, doing any type of thing either by myself or with anyone else . he calls and complains that the vehicle is going to get hit in the parking area and that i shouldnt be drving around wasting my gas and putting miles on it. complains that i drive in the salt which i rarely have to do.
has zero get togethers at home
if we go to a social dinner holiday anywhere he hates every minute of it and says it is a waste of his time
ridicules me for swimming, dancing, once i told him that the aerobics water class instructor told me i could dance up there next to her and he yelled "those people are PAYING for that course, you SHOULDNT be doing that!"
i went to a barbecue july 4 and a halloween party at one neighbor dave the musician way back in 2013 or so and he walked up there to the house demanding i come home and i shouldnt be there i need to quit talking to people some guy might take advantage of me and the same horse shit said
one day i came back from a walk at a neighbors house on meadow lane i had sat outside talking to him and the neighbor across the street and peter had given me a few beers coors so he got violent
Smiling is the most powerful thing I can do and exactly what he doesn't want me to do
he would rather i be angry, crying, feeling bad and worthless
When I stop talking ....
that is IT
the grand finale
end of communication
because i tried all ways i know to
tell you things
and you did not UNDERSTAND
you did not comprehend
Grandma told me to pretend another person didn't exist, now called ghosting
Grandma told me to dump whatever boyfriend I had. To go ice cold as if they were dead. Leave without an explanation. Ignore them completely.
Ignoring a being as if they don't exist has got to be the cruelest treatment of all.
Don't fall for a guy with money": A ludicrous belief I held since I was a teenager
where in the hell did that idea come from?
underlying thoughts i had were always
i will not be with a man who is already rich, has lots of money...i want to be with a poor guy so we can build our life and riches together, if the all permits.. i don't want him or anyone to think i will get with someone just because of the money and things they have
and that is, in fact, true for me... i cannot make myself like or love anyone because of the material things they have
but living my entire life with poor bastards has not been fun
quite possibly the biggest effing mistake i ever made in my life
and i do know that a person who is financially rich is not necessarily the nicest, kindest, smartest or best candidate for anything. Neither is one who is poor in poverty
money doesn't guarantee ethics, maturity or any other good quality
what i ended up with is a long list of those i fell in love with who did not love me. Self centered men / immature boys who abused me mentally, emotionally and physically. They abuse anyone in their path so I can't take it personally.
however, the one who lives in the house with the mate such as i do is usually the one who is treated like shit the most by these types: narcissists, narcs, criminals, psychopaths, sociopaths or any other kind of path.
i learned that people are what they are, they are not what i would like them to be or what anyone thinks they can be, they are not nearly as good as i thought they were and they will remain as they are.
people don't change. not unless they personally see a need for it and make a full effort to change themselves consciously and subconsciously.
I have looked at their good qualities however few they have and overlooked the bad.
I wrongly believed love can make a bastard devil loving. But it won't. Ever.
Thursday, June 13, 2024
MOTIVATION techniques / tactics: Fear and/or Praise
Some use the fear, scare tactic method and think this is the best way to get attention and "motivate" a person or animal to do something they want them to do
FEAR methods (pain)
Abuse
Inflict pain, physically and/or mentally
Starve
Ignore
Neglect
repel with bad stuff
PRAISE methods (pleasure)
compliment
feed
be nice
lure
treat
bait with good stuff
LONE WOLF CAT
LONE WOLF CAT
this is me
priestess
solo
alone
queen of?
combination of many animal qualities
panther black
Wednesday, June 12, 2024
HE
has done nothing for my health, mental or physical
has destroyed by educational advancement
has destroyed by opportunities for career, family, friendships
yells and screams at almost every mealtime
eats his food and snacks while upset, angry, mad, furious, pissed off on a daily basis and expects me to do so
disrupts any funtime, joy, play
in fact does not play at all
has threatened my life many times
has struck me physically by shoving, pushing and knocking me down to the ground, strangled me, slapped me, fist punched my jaw and has NOT left marks, broken any of my bones or left physical evidence on purpose then claims "he didn't hurt me" and was "Just trying to get my attention"
has one set of rules for himself and another for me which also keeps changing at any time so that i never know what in the world is going to piss him off
wants full control of money, keeps all of his secret and separate.
good news is i do have checking account of my own he has no access to
demands i pay bills the utility electric, water and the phone line at home, my cell and my own car parts then wont take money for car insurance or other things when i offer to give him money.
has elec and water and house and property taxes in his name only
pays the google fiber internet in his name only and will not give me the sign in information for the account
mocks me constantly, ridicules, criticizes almost everything about me
attempts to control whatever i am doing at any moment in his presence including walking, talking, eating, cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, lawn or any house work or car wash/cleaning when i am at home
seems to think he is only one who can do anything right
thinks all people do a shitty job and dont care they just want the money and they fuck everything up
does not trust anyone to do anything
suspicious skeptical mean hateful arrogant sarccastic threatening violent
throws temper tantrums at the drop of a hat instantly then claims he was acting normal and has every right to say or do whatever he wants without consequence
calls most people stupid,, ridicules, condemns other people constantly for whatever it is they are
Mercy
many kinds of mercy
feeling sorry
letting it go
letting the dead stay dead
allowing others total freedom to do what they want even if it is self destruction
quit kicking dead horses
do not waste my energy with words or actions of wisdom on those not willing to learn
pearls of wisdom are stomped upon by fools
leave them alone
never go back
He called me a fucking idiot, said i was worthless and feels like hitting me june 11, 2024 around 11 pm . I finished washing all the dishes a few minutes before. Went outside in the backyard and saw the garden hose angled over the patio and laying across the backyard as he always leaves it. I told him it was like that and someone could trip over it, like me, and he flew into a rage. Again.
Tuesday, June 11, 2024
FOOD. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT THE FOOD AND DRINK !!!
1980 old boyfriend mike stone worked at mcdonalds. thought we should all live on macaroni and cheese and hot dogs with nothing else. i said no way and left october 16 1980 day after divorce final . i was working at sambos restaurant lees summit missouri
all through childhood grandma said you are what you eat. she is right. 1000% . thanks again grandma wisdom. she thought she was eating right but made a few fatal mistakes by using margarine, artificial sweeteners
aunt ruth ate and drank what she thought was the best but made a few mistakes; tab diet soda, artificial sweeteners sweet n low. aluminum foil usage wrapped food and drinks cups in
my mother unknowingly ate and drank lots of bad stuff; fake fat cheap shortening hydrogenated oils, lots of sugar in the instant tea daily, cakes, pies, cheapest white bread, hot dogs, macaroni, instant food
lots of people i lived with making wrong food and drink choices, most do not know some did know didn't care continued to consume poison on purpose
Divorce Party is Due
one of the best things i have done is divorce certain people
Picked up certified copy of divorce decree from marriage to Ed at jackson county courthouse in Independence, MO June 11, 2024 Tuesday after 4 pm.
Lament for the Poor Human Race
I cry and I laugh with it all
for the poor, the rich,
the young, the old
the weak, the strong
the hungry, starving, underfed
the obese, overweight, fat, overfed
the lonely, broken, desperate
the smothered with love
the handicapped, disabled, blind, crippled
the ignorant, the stupid, the wise
the understanding empath, the zero empathy narc, sociopath, psychopath
the hated, the most loved
the brainwashed, the free thinker
the crazy insane obsessed zealot of anything who is out of balance
the fool, the anxious
the childless, the family that is too big
the perfectionist, the slob
the incarcerated, the one with too much time on their hands
the victim , the hero
the lucky, the ones who lose it all after having had it all
whoever you are you pay the price for your life in many ways
whatever your lot in life youre going to die just like the rest of us who once lived
Monday, June 10, 2024
Woman said "I never use coupons"
when I was standing in line at the old United Super grocery store at Robandee Center
way back in the late 1990s
I wonder what happened to that woman.. never knew her name or her at all.
I remember she had some expensive single serving size bottles of flavored beer/liquor. She had dyed blonde peroxide short hair. Her skin looked like old leather with a fake tan. She wore shorts, flashy jewelry and cowboy boots. Her face had quite a bit of makeup.
So me, Miss Money conscious thrifty one with a coupon holder, had lots of food items that were on sale. My grocery cart was half full of good stuff to eat like meat, vegetables, fruit, eggs and bread. I stood behind her in line. She turned around, looked at me then at the cashier and said, "I never use coupons!" As if she made the wisest, smartest comment in the world about her decisions on how to spend her money.
Blank screens and paper are favorite things. I can create and fill them up.
and canvas
anything that can be written upon, drawn on, painted, colored, decorated.
I could be alone for several days totally content
I could be alone for several days totally content with my own
activities. I do enjoy good company at times. If no good company is around I
am perfectly content being by myself.
I love to savor each moment, every bite and experience taking my time.
I love to savor each moment, every bite and experience taking my time.
Some people love to rush through life at the speed of light.
Female satisfies self
Female satisfies self
competent
intelligent
beautiful
knows how to delegate gracefully
When all my needs are met I am
When all my needs are met I am
not needy, not greedy.
I am happy. I am never desperate for anyone or anything.
Sunday, June 9, 2024
Qanon addicted follower he is
He is Obsessed with the cult of Trump maga paranoid feeders
Desperately seeking "Susan" needs help for clearing his mind of this brainwashing hypnosis propaganda . It is completely fear based crap filled with power hungry that seek to get your money and give you nothing beneficial or useful in return.
Saturday, June 8, 2024
Content with ignorance. Won't listen to the best from learned people. He is and some are like this.
Won't listen to the best from learned people.
Won't read a variety of books about different subjects
Won't listen to different opinions, thought or look at different ways to do things
Rut minded
Can't digest diversity
Isolates self with one leader or group
Easily falls into cult thinking
SHIT STIRRERS
my mother called them shit stirrers
troublemakers
looking for problems and if they can't find any they create them
to keep the fight going, the battle of bull shit
HUMILITY
Learn humility even faster when
you are
broken, weak, disabled, handicapped, slow, stupid, ugly,
blind, deaf, different, incapable, old
cast out, unwanted, scapegoated
can't keep up with the majority
LESSONS I NEED TO LEARN
LESSONS I NEED TO LEARN
answer only the question
no long explanations
brevity is best. brief answers or statements is most effective
no personal info revealed
listen to others instead of talking
the more i talk the stupider people think i am
please and thank you on all things
do not talk about other people verbally. period.
humility instead of prideful behavior, being a snob, snobbery, turning your nose up as if you are better smarter prettier or anything better than others
others are alot more intelligent/smarter than you realize. never talk down to anyone in a condescending manner.
i am completely and instantly dispensable and replaceable. my replacement is just around the corner
Friday, June 7, 2024
Control freaks. Narcs
They are always trying to read my face
trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling and what I am
going to do then control my thoughts and actions
by telling me
"YOU shouldn't...."
"You SHOULD........"
"Here is what needs to be done... and you OUGHT to be doing this and that."
(NOT what I am working on at the moment, NOT what I have already planned on doing)
do this, do that.. whatever I am doing at the moment is wrong
they believe I should only do things that suits them
as if they are in charge of not only me but anyone around
The parent Dictator. SO I OUGHT TO quit acting that way myself.
NEVER TELL someone else what they ought to do..
QUESTIONS. Badgering me with questions about any and everything, even simple stuff that doesn't need to be asked. This begins most "arguments", battles, fights as they act like they have the right to know all and then dictate what I can and cannot do.
Arthritis spine back pain is horrible. Chronic
It is always there. Never goes away. I take no medicine, medication, drugs for the pain.
Thursday, June 6, 2024
MY MOTHER THE NEXT MISS America ; RUTH LOUISE D,W,F
HER COUSIN WROTE THIS ON THE BACK OF HER PICTURE IN THE 1950S
"The next Miss America"
All she wanted was respect, love, the best for all. Decency.
Her father was an alcoholic. Her mother was a perfectionist and narcissist who also wanted the very best for all of her children and family.
Clean, neat, organized. Took a bath every night. Church going. Faithful. Religious. Believed in god jesus christ. Honest, ethical. Patient. Kind. Thoughtful.
Dressed appropriately. Color coordinated at all times. Hair and makeup and fingernails and toenails done everyday. Shaving legs and even her arms due to lots of hair.
Heritage background German, Scotch-Irish, English, Pennsylvania Dutch.
140 dollars a month in social security due to working minimum wage jobs her whole life.
Hardworking. Maid at motel/hotel, child care at cotton candy daycare, thrift stores, laundrymats, factory work (Torotel was one), temporary work agencies usually manual labor.
Lived in utter poverty in the northeast kc area. The rose in the middle of a landfill toilet of kansas city, missouri.
Favorite things she loved to do: Crosswords, english, writing letters with her beautiful handwriting. Reading. Health, vitamins and herbs. Spelling. Words. Sewing. Cooking and baking some foods quick and instant, some homemade in a way.
Encouraged all of us kids to get along with other, to never fight and squabble.
Intolerant of criminal activities; lying cheating stealing drugs booze sexual activities like whores whoring prostitution.
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
Logic and reasoning is impossible with...
Crazy beings
Cult members
Fanatics, religious, political, any kind of
Brain damaged physically
Obsessed people
Two year old humans
Wolf in sheeps clothing. Covert and overt actions.
will not confront the boss
sneaky does things behind back in background behind the scenes
graffiti on park benches in the woods where no one sees him writing shit on the area
throwing dirt in dogs eyes behind the bushes so the people cant see, the neighbors dogs who bark
hides money and other things i havent found yet.. i did find boxes of porn mags in the garage a few years ago and i found xxx video tapes in boxes in his room which he quickly moved and hid somewhere else after i found them
locks up stuff in file cabinet and one of those fire proof boxes and i have no idea what is in it
sabotage my efforts if knows my plans or situation
shoots a deer across street because they get into this garden
shot cats in the old chevy van at night many years ago due to him thinking too many cats in neighborhood
scared to death neighbors going to see me or him doing anything unless its yard work
the what will the neighbors think or what will anyone in public think constantly
Frady cat, chicken scared..it is not being shy
it is being chicken shit to not help when others are in danger
Tuesday, June 4, 2024
He doesn't like nice restaurants. Does not want to tip. Loves fast food; no tipping is there.
He can't go to a fancy nice upscale restaurant. Doesn't want to leave a tip
often says people don't deserve things and money. will say they don't really work
has never worked at a restaurant which is one of the hardest jobs of all in the world
Stuff he said and did regarding my body shape appearance
stuff he said and did
you can only image what is going through his mind when he sees that (your body/ass/skin/figure) he would be thinking oh wow i'd like to have sex with that..just look at his wife she is a fat cow
the neighbors chris ken any male anywhere i am.
i dont want you to wear those shorts i dont want any man seeing your shape
that makes you look like you have more boobs, talking about a lower cut shirt/blouse when i wear a pushup bra/brasierre
dont squat in the store or anywhere ..even when i am fully clothed in pants leggings jeans..because who knows who might see you and what they are thinking
dont do yoga in front of anyone men or women
if a woman saw you naked she would probably love to have sex with you and if you see a naked female it would turn you on and you would want her body ..i told him many times this a a total lie because i am not sexually attracted to females in any fashion way shape or form even though i truly admire the beauty of the female form
i am beginning to believe he has zero/no resistance to any attractive looking female girl woman in any place he is. if any one of them even looked at him and smiled he would probably take advantage of the situation thinking she wanted sex with him.
Overheard women talk while standing in line at pantry
"all i have to do is bend over and he will do anything i want" she said to her girlfriend
Overheard men talk while standing in line at a food pantry
"i just couldn't help it. i gave her all my money" he said
while at a strip club bar watching the nude dancer
how much money do you want?
how much (money) do you want? he asked me...
one person said for babysitting, child care
another for merchandise i brought in to sell...cds, cases, records, dvds, books, etcetera
how do you deal with difficult ass holes?
advice from friends
"ignore him or her", he said
"you dont " she said
the fact is when you are living with someone you can't IGNORE them because they live there, are always in the way. they can easily disrupt your life, your areas, throw monkey wrench into anything you are doing or plan to do
Monday, June 3, 2024
Perfect woman
to some, the perfect woman has no mind or will of her own. she blends in and does everything exactly as the other person wants. she looks, acts, does, smells and all things about her are the perfect little doll. the one without a brain of her own.
I Don't Play Games. I am direct, straight forward
I know what I want when I see it and sometimes BEFORE I see it
I know what I like regarding music instantaneously
food is the same way
furniture, cars, vehicles, houses, tasks, hobbies, people, animals, plants
books, movies
It is good I didn't get to say goodbye
I didn't know it was the last time I would see them..... before they died
My brother Darryl, john, Jerry
My sister Carol
My aunt Ruth, aunt Jeanne
My father
My mother
My grandmother Olga, Sarah
Many friends and family and acquaintances, co workers
He is mad at the world, ought to be pissed at himself. Full of shame and blame.
micro little man feeling weak , the victim and helpless, hopeless
OUGHT to be pissed at himself first and foremost
wants to be superman and save the world but cant save anyone including himself
lives in shame
ought to be 100% ashamed of himself for his unacceptable and descpicable behavior
instead he blames everyone else
never meditating or looking within or at himself
observing others and the outside world constantly
a good example of what we all ought to do: look at myself, search inside and observe the self first ...you cant take the splinter out of your neighbor's eye when you have a log in your own eye
I quit moving hips when walking as a teen. Shyness beaten in me
Thought i should keep them straight
Worst mistake
I should rock and roll my hips
Be proud of my fatt butt
Saturday, June 1, 2024
Comments by guys men males
that's sexy.. pink, red, purple toenails fingernails
sexy shoes. High heels, slits on sandals
cute outfits ... aprons, halter tops, midi shirts showing midriff stomach section, push up bras tops shows some cleavage, tight shorts, pants, slants, well fitted clothing, tailored shirts jackets , matching tops and bottoms, dresses that fit well, long sleeve , lace, slight see thru , lingerie any type, bikinis..swimsuits, short shorts, anything showing curves ass or boobs or the curve of the waist emphasizing how small the waist is ,
dancing dance is sexy
hair styles up high fluffy on top, pigtails, pony tails, long locks, clean shiny hair
made up eyes. Mascara, lashes, eye liner
lips.. colored lipstick red mauve pink , clear gloss shiny mouth
i dream of jeannie,,, i could take a hundred of her
The bigger the better, more than a mouthful is a waste, in regards to boobs when they talk to a girl. They modify it according to the size of boobs she has
Hose hosiery pantyhose stockings garter belts
You have NO business" said by these people for years
work partner john for 9 years this went on
marriage for 32 plus years
He needs a mannequin, robot, android, barbi, jeannie, stepford "wife"
an object without a soul, a personality, individuality.. a being who cannot express herself because she has no idea who she is or what she wants. it has to be all about him, everything he wants.
EFFICIENT EFFICIENCY Clean Neat Organized : The main thing
This is the primary argument discussed in my relationships be it marriage, partnership, business.
Characters he is
Archie Bunker in all in the family
George McFly the first version, the guy in back to the future
Sad sack
Wimpey
Scrooge
The grim reaper his favorite
Black sabbath paranoid
Trump twin
Curmudgeon
Demon possessed girl in the exorcist
Mr nice guy next door
Dr Jekyll
Mr Hyde
I am sure there are more faces i don't know about, ones I am not aware of
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