Thursday, September 11, 2025

 he seems to think


believes by focusing on the stupidity of others it makes him appear smarter, more intelligent and capable than anyone else



all he has to do is hard manual labor, earn some money, pay some bills and 

treat me like an idiot maid slave doormat and never do anything fun spend time with me


ignore me, shut me out, put headphones on with news constantly in his ears mind and brain


poor communication skills

poor consequence understanding

poor social skills

scrutinizes everyone but himself

lack of self awareness

zero happy happiness fun laughing enjoyment


lacks appreciation, respect, acknowledgement of my or other people's or animals intelligence, ability to survive, discriminate, discern, success, smartness, intelligence, wisdom, expertise, knowledge, skill


make messes all over leave them for me to clean up then tell me i don't do anything


ridicule, criticize, nitpick me to death an expect me to worship adore respect him


impulsive as hell

jumps on first thing he sees

has zero respect for me and says he loves me


creates makes this as difficult as possible 

will not cooperate with making this place easy to clean, 

manuever around and safe as possible


jumps in with other people who abuse me verbally and if they physically or verbally attacked me he says i did something to deserve it


has hard time thinking ahead on lots of things


difficulty making decisions 


thinks his projects activities interests are top priority and other people's preferences and likes and dislikes are stupid, not important 


dismisses the simple act of being kind, using caution with his thoughts words and actions


is prejudiced, judgemental, hateful, mean, vindictive, cold, calculating, 



Wednesday, September 10, 2025

people get quiet

 around someone they want to inpress

around someone they are impressed by


 men who stood up for me when they witnessed the abuse

1978 nov dec everett custer/kuster, lee (elizabeth) montgomery boyfriend

1984 summer dave, roommate of ed 

2005 customer at super flea

2014 may  sheriff in houston texas






Memorizing useless information is common

 taught at schools

in institutions

at jobs

on tv 

at home

trivia 


Tuesday, September 9, 2025

time wasters

 in school learning worthless information

people that use me

jealous people hate my guts

cleaning other peoples kitchens houses bathrooms trash cans toilets messes doing their laundry as if i am a maid slave and they are too good to clean up after themselves


PAY attention to the way a man treats his wife, a woman treats her husband, children and family NOT just the way they treat you. FAKERS are nice to strangers and MEAN to family.

it used to be

 that i was young 

i wanted attention like anyone else

focused on my looks their looks health movement exercise brains Intelligence

and it was for procreation, the dance of sex  ..who would be best for producing offspring 

easy pz to get sex

hard as fuck to find decent long term mate

screwing someone is a piece of cake

living long term is not

there's a whole lot more to life than living for sex

what do you do the rest of the day after the orgasm is  over and the sob doesnt even want to look you in the face much less spend any time together

the thrill of sex alone isn't worth it. artificial insemination, fake phallus or other things would work great . save me a lot of headaches





Publicly nice and treats their loved ones like trash equals a disrespected person

The famous or common person will lose respect when the public discovers they are disrespectful to those closest to them


Malnutrition sleep deprivation induces causes

 illness mental and physical


Monday, September 8, 2025

Saturday, September 6, 2025

Never gonna get it UNTIL you GROW UP

 a thing I did not realize until a year or so ago...

he has been getting all the Candy, sweet stuff benefits from me and throwing SHIT at me continually


I am not a "man" hater I am an ASS Hole hater

 I love a mature MAN not an immature adult male who acts worse than a little brat boy]

What are your addictions? answering is optional

No safe place exists

Monkey wrench he is

never did i imagine he would be like this

 the person he was that i met in may 1987

soft spoken. mechanic. at his uncle norman noah rutherford house home junkyard pershing road raytown missouri

timid. shy. 

not aggressive or bold or rude or loud or mean or rough or pushy or threatening 

appeared to be calm clean self controlled polite respectful orderly neat 

persona in public dr jekyll nice guy nextdoor



9 5 2025 he pushed me in backyard yelled get the fuck out of my face!!

 shoved me in my shoulders almost knocked me down

i dont know if any witness anyone or neighbors saw

i didnt see anybody around thru fences in my our backyard

happened on north west side west of shed where the north fence covered in trees and brush only ellen lives north side of us our house. i dont know if she saw or heard him yelling at me and shoving me.  she is 68 yrs old not outside often

one day he is going to have witness or more than one when he pulls that attack on me again

time is coming closer for him to hang himself by being his ass hole self and he will blame his actions on me as always justifying his abusive behavior like he is entitled to treat me like shit doormat idiot slave


shapes attracted to

 mood feeling. what the body needs can determine shapes of things i or anyone or being is drawn to

the turtle i saw in the woods one afternoon over 10 years ago is but one example. it mounted an empty turtle shell as if the shell were alive and had a turtle body in it to mate. instinct


some think stealing from others is best way to success

 they hate to share

they want it because somebody else has it

instead of being happy with themselves and what they have

envy and jealousy rule. covet covetousness

thievery bribery lack of awareness of self preferences


acronym def

 mls mike michael lynn stillwell

ecm edward clay mertz

mcm maurice clayton mertz

sem sarah elizabeth mitchell. 12-22-1916

jwl john william layson. 11-13-1946

prm perry richard montgomery 7-19-1951

mmr. marjorie mae rutherford. mms marjorie mae stillwell


Friday, September 5, 2025

controllers isolate block from world

 thrive on your ignorance to maintain control

discourage your curiosity exploration connections new experiences

block originality creativity self direction and will

try to mold me or you into their desire

force their mindset onto other beings and things

hate change unless they do it

cannot be reasoned with


dirtball

schiz jekyll hyde 2face psycho

 misogynist woman female sister wife hater

does directly opposite of whatever i want or like


as soon as i am not looking

 or awake. as soon as i am gone. not aware not around

the shit really starts

like rats bats mice snakes bugs insects in the walls attic basement


People say ....

 thats not right. he should do this or that. you dont owe, him he owes you.  why stay why dont you just leave. go to a womens shelter. he is killing you. i wouldnt put up with that. thats wrong. 

Distractions roadblocks delay progress

Cleaning without water, she said...

 In 1993 or 1994 I was working at Clayton Estates in Belton, Missouri as an independent contractor doing make readys remodelling cleaning restoring old mobile homes. 

A woman who was also an independent worker for that company came into one of the homes I was working in and said, "Oh, the water is off. That's okay. I have cleaned without using water many times." She smiled as she stood there. 

And that comment never made sense to me. 


Monday, September 1, 2025

Fingers card player

 I was 18. It was 1979.

Fingers was an old married man, a friend of my husband Perry Richard Montgomery.

He was a great card player hence his nickname.

My husband took me and our one year old baby Ricky to visit this old man.

We sat at his kitchen table with his wife and he pulled out a deck of cards. After awhile he said let me show you my house, referring to me because i had never been there before.

Perry was in front of me walking thru hallways of rooms. Fingers was behind me as i carried my baby. Fingers wife was still in the kitchen.

As my husband turned a corner and he could not see me Fingers grabbed me turned me around to face him and tried to force me to kiss him. Old man dirty lips. I pulled back away from him scared as hell .




coughing hard to breathe

 bronchitis 

asthma


Saturday, August 30, 2025

He can't figure out why these bugs are heavy outside and inside

 causes of  insect, bug and pests including rodents, racoons, rats, snakes include

piling up things alongside the house, 

piles of tree pieces for firewood piled up close to back of the house

throwing rotten tomatoes and any other organic food items into the garden instead of tossing it out far away from the house like the end of the driveway close to the street


He has problems with regulating his body temperature

 he wears heavy socks and boots, blue jeans, a fairly heavy short sleeved shirt

works hard on heavy things and begins sweating profusely

he will not wear shorts (due to the ridicule of his 'skinny legs' when he was young and his mother using a switch on his legs when he refused to go to jehovah's witness meetings with her. later on when he was old enough to climb a tree he would escape her when he knew she was going to a meeting so he did not have to go

he will not wear sandals

he will not wear open toe or open backed shoes of any kind

he constantly tries to regulate the temp in the house and when he feels hot he turns on fans, air conditioning units, opens and closes windows continually throughout the day

common sense says wear lighter weight or very little clothes, wear minimal shoes, get in the shade, cool down with water spray, cool wet towel on the neck, cool wet cloth to wipe off with



Good news today he sd i am only one he trusts

 remarkable feat i accomplished with a paranoid man who trusts no one


Jumbled information in his heas

 explains his constant state of confusion

he imagines stuff 

is paranoid


Wednesday, August 27, 2025

in a hurry. Worried about being late. Pushy

 John layson

Mike Stillwell 

Clayton 

Leroy Mitchell 

Ed


Rushes through things, pushes others, impatient, says don't waste my time, you talk too much. Am not interested in what you need want have to say. Minimizes me, does not place high value on me 

Visual 

Videos movies tv obsessed.

Won't read books and literature 

Hates quotes 

Ass focused

Must have constant radio noise tv videos 

Girlie mags sturbates to many strangers in pictures 

Cute outfits irresistible 

Drives too fast 

Expects instant food

Money obsessed 

Calls people derogatory bad names like stupid slow crazy idiots 

Antagonizes wife and children 

Repeats phrases over and over

Focused on status neighbors public image

Ass hole rude unacceptable behavior at home

Immediate needs and wants satisfaction top priority 

Consequences of words not thought about 

Insulting critical 

Hates church spiritually introspection poetry art 








Monday, August 25, 2025

People are often roadblocks not windows

Second hand news gossip wrong

 inaccurate, incomplete, half baked. lies. leaves out details circumstances reasons 

People suck up gossip, contrive stories, assumptions. Jump to conclusions. Have attention span of about 3 seconds 


Sunday, August 24, 2025

Advice to myself

Never get married

Never go in business with anyone but myself

Never have joint checking or any financial accounts

Be ice queen



Saturday, August 23, 2025

Bullies are lowest low class people vermin snakes

 they hate your 

confidence intelligence. goodness 

innocence purity ethics 

cleanness. grace. kindness

thieves liars robbers burglars criminals by nature




My worth is determined by me not anyone else

If no good people are to be found go solo alone solitary by yourself

Choose your companions wisely. They determine your life

The company you keep says everything about you

Guard yourself at home first

First part of house keeping is clean up your friends associates

He argues about every single thing I bring up, mention, talk about

 and contradicts whatever I say. 

And says I argue with him when I explore answers and agree with some things he says; even when I agree he says I am arguing.


Everything about him stinks

I am through forgiving self chosen stupidity and meanness from others

Friday, August 22, 2025

The face shows experience

Victim blaming and shaming needs to stop

 But some people will never stop blaming the victim that is attacked by a perpetrator/predator/bully or a person who experiences loss, lack and bad times.

Their mindset is such that when a person gets hurt they twist it around and come up with a way to blame the person who is hurt or killed.


August 21, 2025 saw endocringologist about my osteoporosis

 She said she did not have my records from university health which I thought she had.

She needs current blood work tests from within the last 30 days so I have to go back on August 28th at 2 pm and have blood drawn in the labs.  

4061 indian creek pkwy LABS 1st Floor 913-323-4747 st lukes mission endocrinology bone medicine. Brianna Kuster

IV Reclast once yearly infusion for 3 years.

Order placed August 21, 2025 for blood work in labs.

Alkaline Phosphatase

Celiac Screen

Ionized Calcium

Magnesium

Parathyroid Hormone Intact

Renal Panel

T4 Free

Thyroid Stimulating Hormone

---------------------------

August 21, 2025

Osteoporosis and fatigue, unspecified type

left side pelvis osteo worse than right. only a little bone less on right side


Blood pressure 106/64

BMI 20.76

Weight 120 lb

Height 5'3.75"

Pulse 84

---------------------

Instructions

Please take a picture of the back of your multivitamin and Vitamin D supplement.

Options:

1. 3 servings of dairy per day

2. Calcium carbonate supplement 600mg once daily and 1-2 dairy servings per day

I know what it's like to want something so bad and have fools stand in my way

 who demand explanations and regardless of how I answer they still don't get it. 

It is far easier to keep quiet and do what I need to do, get what I want and not have to put up with belligerent blockade fools.

Thursday, August 21, 2025

Tuesday, August 19, 2025

Forcing a person to go cold turkey is deadly torture

 that is exactly what he did to william today.

telling his roommate tony that beer costs too much. 

i said have you added up what you spend on snacks sweet tea sugary junk cookies cakes donuts beer wine rum at dollar tree grocery stores sams club? one day someone will cut you off of all your addictions and habits suddenly and we will see what happens to you.

he became irate immediately 

saying this is about william. why are you always trying to cause trouble!! take a look at yourself in the mirror! you use that vapor cigarette. that is the stupidest thing of all!!

back in december 2010 he forced me cold turkey off cigarettes. i began eating all kinds of trash junk in sight. about one month later january 2011 my legs swelled up tremendously. the pain was horrible.  edema in both my calves very bad. no doctor i saw. i barely lived thru it 

it was extremely cold outside. my bedroom 55 degrees. i cant take the cold. my fingers turn red purple and tips swell up.





Progress srunted by obtuse people

 millions of years to get 

here



He acts like he is single.Maybe he should be

 and has no male friends who are married

Half wit

 can't see patterns

has poor memory skills

can't predict things

can't foresee consequences

jumps to conclusions 

won't listen

too trusting of everyone



Monday, August 18, 2025

Being nice or looking good will get you things

 in a lot of cases. However some people despise good looking polite people and will cause them harm, distress and, in the case of psychotic killers like dahmer, bundy, gacy, manson, ramirez, btk, grissom, kc butcher,  will get you murdered because they want what they cant have and would like to be the beautiful naturally kind person who gets good attention.

these guys werent out for the money. it was ego and attention they wish they could have


acting mean haughty nasty jealous will get you in trouble, ignored, blackballed, fired. in jail.

in my case i get blackballed due to my looks. intelligence, empathy, ability to see thru peoples crap motives social cliques politics in the office or family or anywhere




Some appreciate nothing

 no little things. the more i do for them the less they value me 


He did not go to kindergarten. Neither did his youngest sister.

 Perhaps none of his siblings attended the first year of school most kids attend around the age of 5 or 6.

Kindergarten is a very important first step in learning basic life skills that continue on throughout adult life.


Sunday, August 17, 2025

Quit trying to change another person's feelings at the moment.

Emotions must be experienced until feeling is over. Repressing is deadly to my soul

We think others ought to be like us

Autonomy drives the artist and inventor. The self expresses and competes with itself.

Traits he has. More of them. The same

Incapable of deep conversation

Shallow

zero introspection

zero social skills

zero fun

negative

physical more than thoughtful

not spiritual




He gets up August 15, 2025 Friday complaining frustrated snafu

He gets up August 15, 2025 Friday

10 am eats cereal watches conspiracy news on laptop.looks at cell phone.

complains that ricky's truck engine making rattling sounds wont be long it will quit running

complains says is aggravated with neighbor sharon calling her 

a penny pincher only gave him 25 dollars for things he did working 

on her mowers and he spent 12.05 on parts only got 25 but 

he wont say anything to her about it because he has a truck 

hood and misc parts junk he has been storing 

in her shed for years. i ask why he doesnt have room here. no answer.


up to 130 pm

eats cookies, snacks junk food

makes tea concoction of sugary drink

grabs handful of grapes i bought eats them

i want to cut up chicken to cook 

he says we have all these cucumbers what are we 

going to do with them do you have any ideas?

he interrupts whatever i am doing and acts like 

i should be doing something else that is on his mind

he runs upstairs phone in hand

says is texting the neighbor to see if they want some cucumbers

grabs a vhs movie i left on ledge 2 days ago because 

he came in my room saw me watching it the other night.

sd he it looked interesting he wanted to watch it name is "dreams" 

about a chinese boy. takes vhs into his bedroom says 

i think i will watch this while i am sitting on the bed

(what is really going on??? ..I suspect he was doing something

 else in addition to looking at that tape...somethings he does not want me to see or hear...)


----------------------






Dumb as a rock. My girlfriend Marilyn said this many years ago.. back in 1991 92 93

 when describing some guy

she hit the nail on the head in describing lots of men I know and have known


Saturday, August 16, 2025

First time is the last time disrespect. You get one chance.

 my friend jay has this rule

i like it

i love it

wish i would have known it and been able to apply it since birth

disrespect is never acceptable 

Quit talking about him to other people

 they dont believe me 

they blame me

they say you picked him

it makes me look bad and stupid

and it was one of the dumbest choices i made not knowing that i should have only been with a man that pursued me respected me obsessed with me and never peemitted myself to be in the company of any other


He needs someone to beat up

 and i am the target 

he takes all shit out on me

he sees me as weak stupid defenseless worthless


He bitches complains about everything I need, am, like, say and do

 from food I eat to

things i say

how much i talk

when i talk to anyone anywhere including him complaining that i talk too much

accuses me of flirting with a man just because the guy came up to and i talked to him like at oak park mall when the salesman approached me insisting i try this skin cream and he did a sample demo on my face

what i am wearing clothes shoes coats jackets sweaters 

electricity i use

water i use to drink, shower, bathe, take a bath, do the dishes

soap i use. dish soap, laundry soap, conditioner, shampoo

says my breath stinks

movies and music and books i watch read listen to

poems i like

things i write .. he says it is stupid

any person that wants to me my friend he cuts me off from them immediately

any person i introduce him to he makes it a point to know them and bond with them by the work he does and god knows what else

every new person i met anywhere even at work he accused me of having a relationship or sex with


complains fiercely about my driving and makes me stop the vehicle get out so he can drive the van my minivan

refuses to allow me to drive his car or truck yet he takes all 3 of the vehicles anytime he wants





Ice emotions cut the invisible string now

 i dont care anymore

apathy set in regarding him for the rest of my life

same happened with several others

once my feelings of care are cut off i am done for good

no turning back to the living hell nightmare satanic dirty devil male that thinks he is a man but is a bully dictator weasel who should never touch any female and doesnt have the balls to fight a male and protect his woman wife child or any other person. he is a worm snake 


Ice Queen Fire Woman

Wednesday, August 13, 2025

I dont like the water. I love it!

same beliefs and values common amongst friends

birds feather flock tigether.

 his buddies associates are idiots when it comes to treating women respectfully. most of them are single some never married some divorced without a woman for years

gill, layson, strand,gomez,bottomley, hupp,wise, wilson/mitchell, mertz

misogynists, imbeciles, refuse to dress up in nice clothes, live like a pig. yell at me. impatient treat me like a maid doormat, hate housework, wont clean their room. poor social skills. think working money cars material things make them important .

paramoid. bpd, narcissist. wallow in dirt, filth.

privates and round body parts and pretty face is first thing they notice and they stare. glare. lust. 

some into battle sports. involved in political news crap. keeps up with news. voyeur. watches others judges constantly. p o rn addiction. 

throw major fit if misplace something or if i act like i will throw it away in trash or if i move things to clean. some throw tantrum or bawl their eyes out.

call people stupid suckers gullible naive idiots if the person is kind loving giving

act like they are master and me and others are slave. bossy.

incorrigible.




Low value men who do not value a woman surround me all over..everywhere

 I shall limit my presence and speech around them from now on


His stupidity has ceased to amaze me. My ephiphany realization understanding.

 His stupidity has ceased to amaze me. My ephiphany realization understanding.

I now understand these things

He maintains fixed opinions false beliefs

Is incorrigible, unteachable

Fixed in all habits, addictions, behaviors, personality: eating, activities, working, social activities

Resistant to change of any kind

He is reactive, impulsive, irrational, impatient

Lacks understanding 

 Is controlling, domineering, dominating, manipulative

seeks power over people animals all things

Is selfish, mean

Drawn to filth and corruption

Disorganized in many ways

Accountability: will not take responsiblity for his behavior, thoughts, beliefs, actions

Blames others for "provoking" him because he cannot control himself


Tuesday, August 12, 2025

Monday, August 11, 2025

shit he says to me

 i dont need your input

i dont care what you want. think or how you feel

go away leave me alone.

get the fuck out of my face

you dont know what youre talking about

youve had it easy

you will never convince me diet determines the way someone looks

youre a dimwit idiot stupid troublemaker worthless 

you walk too slow

you think you know it all

you dont drink milk thats why you have the problems (osteoporosis)

its not my fault

i cant do anything about it

i am not going out of my way to make you happy

youre careless

youre too old said even when i was 30



Sunday, August 10, 2025

Hit and run

 chris called it a hit an run when the guy goes after and gets the girl then takes off often never to be seen again


Turd is a turd. Frog is, shit is, sows ear is ..they can't be changed into something else.

 can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear


He does not understand words. He goes by what he sees and material things he has

 zero listening skills. he cannot understand simple things like "clean" your room or any item cleaned properly. he thinks money and material things rule 


Conversations are not books. I talk too much give info like a speech book

 most people are not interested in what i have to say and if they were they dont have time and wont make time

Saturday, August 9, 2025

cold slaps in the face

 9 yrs watching grandson. no holiday visits .2014 last christmas. 2 years old was the last birthday party i attended.

no visits here do they make.

never have they brought him over dropped him off. he is 11 years old.

 i am chewed up spit out used up kicked in the teeth ass back slapped in the face figuratively 

literally blocked out shoved away out the door. closed off. 

no friends. no activities. husband hates my guts.

i am only here to be a hole,

 pay a some utilities electric water phone cook laundry clean

no fixing this mess situation. he will never change anything about him. no one cares gives a shit. they wont and cant do anything about it. no solution anyone comes up with works because he will not do a damn thing good to have a nice happy life.

no birthdays mothers day thanksgiving easter nothing at all. not even a picnic. no invitations period 


hardest times

 cold winters stuck in here snows cant go anywhere not even a walk. freezing cold to me i freeze half to death fingers swell tips turn red and purple even tho i wear gloves hats 3 or 4 layers of clothes.


being awake is hard. sleep is only true escape.

drudgery all day unless i leave the house

hot summers he is miserable like every other day but worse

he constantly monitors windows doors due to weather outdoor temperature conditions. opening closing windows. air conditioning window units , one in garage. one in my master bedroom, one in living room downstairs. the one in his bedroom upstairs hasnt been used in a few years. he sleeps in the garage on floor under window unit ac instead of his bedroom.

baseboard heaters watch carefully monitor usage. he doesnt want electric bill to go up be high too expensive cost too much

 he cuts firewood burns wood hauling it in the yard in and out of the house all day and night. dragging shit dirt crumbs sticks bugs leaves wood chips into the house from back door thru living room and throughout the house. up and down 3 flights of stairs. tracking crap off shoes and boots daily hourly.

back door opens shuts slams alot. noisy.



anyone everyone attracts someone or more than one

 females males women girls boys men

all have attractions to and are attractive to someone

war of the roses movie my life

 beginning the 2 met. she free spirited dancer gymnast flexible loves rain artistic chef . shes a kind hearted lover and truth teller.

he square fixed rigid money and sex is his master. he hates getting rained on. he is phony fake nice to business associates ass kissing brown noser. rude crude obnoxious. works long hours thinks all he has to do is that work for money buy things and come home have sex sleep and she has done all things to create and keep the home nice clean and beautiful

he is a beast

she is the beauty. fed up with his shit. disgusted. contemptuous of him.


Innocence is being unaware, curious, natural, cute, playful

He is all these things

 hoarder, pack rat, scrapper, junkyard dog

resourceful, rude, impulsive, impatient

controlling to the max maximum 

misogynist. thinks women are stupid incompetent

believes women ask to be raped

has not raped me and says often we dont have enough sex

keeps locked file cabinet porn magazines i saw one day this or  last year when he was looking for paperwork

faux strangled me several times. i can recount each incident and cause. 

nov 13 2005 first time pushed me to ground floor i was at my desk sun eve just got home from working at super flea. he barged in my bedroom looked at curtain got pissed sd you always tear things up. he got back from tim nolan next door neighbors funeral or wake before funeral. i still dont know what he was actually mad about that day. i did nothing as usual to cause his physical assault 

no fun period. acts old stern grouchy bitchy nearly all the time. no joy in hardly anything. 

refuses to do or participate in any good feeling activities like festivals concerts fairs dancing movies playing ball or any game except solo chess on his laptop computer.

each time dining out eats same stuff too fast has to have dessert eg ice cream at burger king or dairy queen immediately after the burger fries chicken etc.

each meal at home when i eat he gets pissed about something has to be critical of food or how much i eat monitors my food yet eats any random trash he wants all day long. thoroughly upsetting my digestive system. has to get up see what i am eating every time. paces floor gets behind me grabs food if he thinks it looks good eats not because he is hungry. picks fight during meal. cannot sit still stay put during any meal breakfast lunch dinner. gets up opens fridge for individual things. he cant get several items out at once. puts one type of food on plate then gets up to get additional different foods sauces spreads .

watchful, watching things constantly people neighbors places things news weather.. eyes darting constantly wherever  he is

addict .. junk food sweets sauces cookies fast food, porn, conspiracy news online or in newspapers things promoting paranoia and one sided viewpoints black and white thinking,  

opinionated 

redneck

fear based

reactive

lacks empathy

vengeful

impulsive impatient 

fixed resistant to any changes of anything 

language deficient lacks understanding of word meanings 

sarcastic arrogant haughty mean hateful passionate one track minded at times

cluttered disorganized piles of everything he saves anything he comes across even a used condom

incorrigle unteachable

maintains false beliefs lies and argues with the dictionary definitions and people that are professionals in their field of work hobbies or anything 

will not listen to anything that contradicts what he believes

argumentative provokes instigates fights and problems 

picks at all people criticizing their looks beliefs habits appearance clothing cars trucks what they drive where they go and pastimes they have. when the pastimes hobbies beliefs ideas differ from his he becomes irate and often out of control going off like an atom or hydrogen bomb

does not want to let go of any material thing

hides things, money, activities 

closes up windows house fearing someone will see in especially when lights are on at night and closes blocks windows thinking it lets air in. mls put metal bars in wall over one basement window and boarded up the other window which does not allow escape in case of fire or emergency. totally against the law and building codes anywhere 

adamant about locking house doors and keeping garage door shut

jealous insanely 

hypocritical

righteous indignant full of haughty pride

yells often daily. 

frequently says why do you bring up the past which includes the last few minutes and anything before that.

says i dont want to hear it. talk about it.. go away get out of here/my face before i hit you. 

 denies treating me bad. feigns amnesia refuses responsibility for anything bad negative he says or does. 

physically active. deems his actions as the only important ones.

believes in master slave idea

can't have a real mature relationship or marriage with any women due to the deep level of childish emotional maturity level 

treats me like a mindless empty headed plastic wooden doll who has no brain or feelings because he doesnt care cannot comprehend that i am a live human being 

will leave piles of junk, trash, any item stored at any property or other people's houses storage areas

jwl had 3 large storage units at super flea full of old junk household and stuff used to sell at the music store

keeps shit from anyone he has had contact with as "memoirs" 

follows me around freaking out anytime i move things or clean or cook or eat or do anything

shoots orders at me to do what he thinks ought to be done in any area i am thinking about talking about or am visually doing

socially inept

bossy authoritarian dictatorial

jwl and ecm addicted to sports like football

mls addicted to news that he thinks is real regarding world issues politics trash

all addicted to sugary drinks; soda, sweet tea, gatorade, fruit juices

will leave plate of food unattended and run off do something else and answer the phone while eating then go back later eat stuff that flies have landed on ..will not cover the plate 










History teaches us if we pay attention

History teaches us if we pay attention

the same old things happen over and over again.

Nothing new exists


email draft I was going to send to Jacque in 2013

 Topics

prisons
desire more important than experience
pick your poison
addictive world
everyone is a writer these days
one minute one day of fame makes up for years of being common unknown

They look for the reaction. Be calm and still

Caring too much and desperation opens the door for predators thieves and destruction

Never act desperate for anything. Never beg

 Dont show I/you want something or someone real bad


 

Be nonchalant and patient. Watch, listen and wait

Born autonomous

Thursday, August 7, 2025

Seeds planted

Tip of iceberg reveals The berg

Don't look back yet remember history

 It repeats itself 

Learning to dump trash immediately. Recognize it quickly and stay away from it

He only pays attn to appearance and actions. Is fooled by what he sees

 and conjures up imaginings of what he thinks it is or what happened


Scuzz bucket males

 i know plenty of them

they allow sordid men over at the house/home

they suck up material that is called "adult only' and share it with their buddies

treat their partner woman spouse like a dirty dog slave maid doormat 

top priorities are satisfying their wants needs desires disregarding what she or the children want and need

do not understand words and language only physical appearance and actions






Pattern is new houses built to ghetto neighborhood

 dad told me about how along paseo troost ward parkway the new houses built long time ago eventuallly the houses got old the responsible people moved out to another new house and low class povertry stricken often trashy ghetto people moved in

the projects downtown and around kansas city were built to house poor people and the real dirt poor with their typical lifestyle of not working a job and doing or selling drugs in house or on the street and prostitution theft burglary 

the poor tore up wayne minor housing ripping out plumbing fixtures and tearing wire out of the walls to resell for drug money


He confiscates stuff all over the place anywhere he goes

 dragged all kinds of stuff home and there must be a ton of hidden things around here., buried in cardboard boxes and any kind of container piled up in places so i cant see it or get to it

he throws fits gets mad angry anytime i clean and want to expose all this junk

gets paranoid when i go into the garage basement his bedroom upstairs sheds car truck 


He hears the music not the words lyrics

 he is much more interested in watching a video

god only knows all of the things he watches and has seen

i only know what he has shown me

certainly there is a dark side i do not know about

hidden movies secret chats things on the internet printed materials magazines books ..a whole world of hidden stuff he looks at watches and hides from me

he listens to loud broadcasts of cult leaders like mike lindell a loudmouth loser nevér made it with the ladies. donald trump arrogant like him.

he identifies with men who project false superiority power control wealth money

misogynists like him









Do we like to watch movies videos we dont understand?

Horror movies

 he does not like . days they are too easy to figure out..

bad guy wants control

i watch these movies to try to figure out and understand this behavoir

predators criminals thieves murderers


The only battle I need to fight is to be myself

 the only battle he needs to fight is to be himself

the only battle she needs to fight is to be herself


2000 or so I began suspecting something was wrong with him

 I am a slow person to realize things about people. 

Met him in 1987. Moved in December 1991. Took me 9 years until 2000
before I began thinking something was wrong with this picture.



Loudmouth Lunatic Losers

 Mike Lindell

Man who came into Sambos restaurant 1981 always talking real loud and insulting people, rude to the waitresses

Cult leaders and killers



Wednesday, August 6, 2025

A loser

 as a child. teen and now as an adult he is still a loser

puberty hits then

boy loser doesn't get the girl

girl loser does not get guy she wants

physical attraction there. social ineptitude exists.

inability to understand a relationship get along respect give and take. love is not understood or comprehended. only desire for power control ownership as if the person is an object 

transactional conditional attitude towards people

feeling like a failure some losers not only torment some kill victims then blame victim as cause for their bad abusive behavior

explains cult leaders 

teens who shoot or use other killing methods at schools

those with black and white thinking

political religious zealots desiring control 

domestic violence abusers

Assassinators

torturers often begin in childhood







Things he wants me to do and be. And the way he s

he is opposite of what he expects me to be.

 things he wants me to have and be... pretty, beautiful. cute. smoothe skin. silky feeling legs. smell good clean fresh perfume cologned up. have fresh breath at all times. look young. be cooperative, agreeable compliant. look sexy. wear stockings. talk speak softly. be humble show humility. work like he does. fix all food. clean up messes house yard. wash clothes do laundry. pay at least half the bills and make much less than half the money he makes. act happy with whatever is . tolerate his shit and never confront him with what he says or does or imitate his words and tone of voice

while 

he rages yells throws tantrums, is loud. stinks. is dirty, filthy. is stubborn, inflexible. rigid, fixed, resistant to change. is impatient, rude. in a hurry. obnoxious self centered. looks and acts ugly. forceful pushy mean. vengeful. accusatory. suspicious. paranoid. skeptical . negative.  noncompliant, disagreeable, miserable, complaining, stupid, plays loud tv speakers of hateful warmongers then high pitched music or other music that is elevator or church sounding or same techno disco beat in every song ..plays any type of music i hate. refuses to do participate in any fun activities. laughs at redneck things and jokes that make fun of people. pushes politics , opinions on others.  

Monday, August 4, 2025

Top priorities

 Get money

Feed your face

Look good

Only do what you want

leave all the shit jobs like cooking cleaning shopping washing dishes laundry organizing scheduling errand running to someone else

Focus on doing whatever it takes to get money, look important and appear powerful


Traps

 marriage

children

jobs


Tell certain people what I want and they will do everything to stop me from getting it

We find a way to get what we want. Secrecy is often necessary to get it

 We find a way to get what we want. Secrecy is often necessary to get it

Because other people stand in the way become a roadblock, a door,

stopping me or anyone from getting what they want


Sunday, August 3, 2025

Dressing for safety and warmth not appearances is mandatory

 deep pockets to hold everything

no purse carrying

fat pants, coats, jackets and sweaters

long shorts capris with big pockets

combat boots, hiking boots, steel toe shoes

baggy shirts tops 

overalls

carpenters pants

below the knee dresses with deep pockets

no skimpy revealing clothes regardless of how hot it is

baseball cap when driving or walking so I look like a man boy

carry a heavy stick cane bat club weapon screwdriver

tshirts sweatshirts 

straight point club collar button down spread band camp cutaway tab  shirts





His response is mostly " I figured.." as if he is a mind reader

 whatever happens he will say i figured that would happen

or i didnt figure you did

that figures

i figured you would say that figured you would do that

acting as if he knew the thing would happen that way

when in reality he usually figures and predicts wrong wrongly with errors

his assumptions are usually wrong

he fills in my sentences with errors in attempting to predict what i am going to say



Hurting or helping

 we know how to hurt or help the people/person closest to us

vengence or charity



Saturday, August 2, 2025

Sometimes I wish...

 some evil people would vanish, disintegrate never to be seen again

I can live on a planet with nice people


Books, studying, solitude, writing, cleaning, caring

 I have not used enough time reading the dictionary, one of my favorite pastimes. I have been unable to write as much as I would like/love to do. 

I have experienced countless things in my life. 

A wide variety of things have happened to me: Things outside of my control stemming from other people's choices and events of nature. 

Things that (I think) came from me: The things I (probably) chose to do.  

Choice is a delicate thing. Some things may be innate forces of nature in my being, others may be from programming by others during my development since conception. 

These experiences have been in many shades of what people call good and bad.

When I was young, (a child and teenager growing up) I spent my time in public schools and at home in that school. I did the responsible things I was supposed to do and my time was spent studying, reading, learning, doing my school workm yard work and house work, cleaning, organizing things and caring for other people and pets. My nose was to the grindstone and I stayed out of trouble. 

I got good grades and never got into trouble at school or written up on the bus. 

While I was practicing my handwriting and typing on an old manual typewriter since I was 7 years old some other kids were doing lots of things I would never dream of, imagine or consider doing. 

They were picking fights, hurting other people and animals, doing drugs, smoking and drinking things, tearing things up, destroying, stealing, lying, cheating and just plain causing and being trouble with a capital T. 

I was alone most of the time. Just like now. Except now I am alone more than I ever was in my life because I do not attend school, have no job outside the home, am not a member of any group or club, have no social life and no friends I see or talk to regularly like every week the way most people do.



For every disaster there is a new beginning

Thursday, July 31, 2025

I am DONE with fixer upper people!! Not my job to clean them up and organize their mess or junk piles.

ME: Record keeper, accountant, nurse, organizer, cook, maid, caregiver, empath

Coupons and the incidents at United Super grocery store in early 1990s 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99

 early 90s around 1993 or 94

I was in the checkout line at the U.S. located at Bannister and James A. Reed Rd. This was a very nice grocery store at the time by the way.

I had a cart full of carefully shopped for grocery items. Meat, vegetables, fruit, dairy products, bread.. you know, STAPLES.. the food you need to eat to be healthy.

The woman in front of me had a six pack of bottled expensive beer and a couple of junk food pieces she probably picked up at the checkout stand display. She had shoulder length permed looking bleached blonde hair, wore too much makeup and was dressed in tight blue jeans and some kind of leather or faux leather jacket. She had a couple of big rocks (rings) on her fingers, fake or real I don't know. She appeared to be about 20 or 30 years older than me. I was around 33 or so at the time. I never saw her again, thank God, so I can't confirm her age but I am guessing she was younger than she looked. She was just hard, crass, trashy acting,  a well worn out old looking young woman.

I told the cashier I had some coupons and the blonde woman in front of me haugthtily turned around and said to me, "Oh. I never use coupons. It's just a waste of my time." She looked at the cashier as if seeking approval from her for her proud display of negligence.

1998 or 1999 I was in the same United Super, coupon holder in my hand standing in the meat department when this man came up to me and said, "This one is on sale and I have coupons for that. You know you can save a lot of money. You should be using coupons and buying things on sale."

I said, "I already do that. Here is my coupon holder." I showed it to him. It was about half full and had dividers in it to organize categories of items.

That man was Chuck Strand. Charles. A few years later I found him living next door to the man I ended up working with at Super Flea. Mr. John William Layson. I had stopped at John's house and this Chuck man was in the front yard.







Amazing I ever trusted anyone...

 but I did. I trusted lots of people, most people. Now I am realizing it was probably one of the worst mistakes I have ever made.


Monday, July 28, 2025

Chronological age does not mean maturity

Great sex does not mean great relationship

 Two entirely different things

Trash and trashy things in this house

 he needs trashy looking junk stuff mismatched hodgepodge piles of stuff

things that dont show dirt and look like worn out rags

garbage piles up.

dirty hands touching everything

body wallowing in filth and bugs and toxic chemicals daily

things that dont work right properly

everything is a hassle and a fight

life is hard. its a bitch bastard hell like hotel california. trapped in the sewer cant get out

he became accustomed to rags worn out beat up looking goods possessions and people as a child

half assed unfinished projects not well planned 

excuses are abundant. 

unprofessional

i have turned into an ugly bitch. i was once a beautiful young well mannered little lady and no longer am thanks to living with and working with bastards and assholes all of my life

he focuses on appearances to the public more than his own and inside the house

if the neighbors or strangers can see it he is concerned. if they cant see the shit he doesn't care

and he acts confused as to why i am not happy and he is not happy

cant figure out why he is miserable all the time and makes me miserable


 


Neighborhood indicators

Neighborhood gossip people

I Understand Why

 people do what they do, are the way they are, what motivates them

I see and hear the what is going on in situations in my personal life and in the news

I am not confused 

I quickly foresee the future by seeing small indicators that are the same signs showing what the neighborhood is like and headed towards

Predictive analysis of human behavior based upon patterns displayed by individuals


Saturday, July 26, 2025

I wanted to be a fashion model for clothing

 not a nude model as i ended up being thanks to ed and modeling ads in newspapers in 1980s

fambrough associates in downtown kansas city missouri was first "agency" ad i went to and modelled. there were 4 or 5 photographers taking pictures of me at the same time that day during the shooting

gary. rc martin. william fambrough and another man i never got his name

who knows who got has seen and saw my photographs




Chewed up spit out i am and have been

Clothing design lawsuits

 file suits for missing pockets

usesless faux

too small endangers life

misplaced


Mechanic not an engineer

 he is a patts changer

not an engineer architect that contemplates creates whole designs of cars houses 

Make model year miles mileage appearance

 men want to know answers to these questions about cars and people; women or men depending on their preferences and situations

appearance is the first thing that catches their eye
if it looks good/appealing they want it


"is she married?" "is she available (for sex)" are the 2 questions rick coutts said/told me that go thru his head when he sees an attractive female girl woman



Friday, July 25, 2025

Boys males men had crush on some

1977

1989 pete k. 

1967 california i was in first grade. david 

belton missouri

1971 david cornell age 10 5th grade

1975 mark cochran 

1977 lonnie curtis




hormones rule

 i figured it out many years ago

citizen kane news ben franklin

 genius people running news newspapers


world is a stage we are actors

 https://www.bing.com/search?q=the%20world%20is%20a%20stage%20and%20we%20are%20all%20actors&cc=us&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001&ssp=1&safesearch=moderate&setlang=en

News. The most powerful thing people follow

 and some are obsessed with

Games

 I dont games in a cut throat way like chess cards checkers. I know people who play for competition and get mad mean upset violent if they lose at any of these or even chance games like dice rolling.


What stops someone from committing murder?

 What releases them from guilty conscience or fear of punishment from killing someone or anything?

I wish I knew the answers to these questions.


july 22 2025 appt physicians assistant surgery discussion

on july 22 up at 8 am dr appt arrived 11 am. 1145 appt time. 

 had ride pick me up to appt saw pa physicians assistant kevin watson st lukes neuorological & spine surgery.  neorosurgery. he said not recommending surgery. due to osteoporosis low bone density . and if done the rod in my back 13 14 inches long at t10 level begin due to severe curvature scoliosis of my spine.

said feels like getting hit by a truck in your back after operation. would help with leg pains not back pain. stiffness rigidity afterwards.

jan 27 2026 1 pm follow up appointment with watson.

he wants past records mris xrays. asked when i had last mri was may 2019. and why didnt they do another one? 

waiting for endocrinologist to call schedule appt within 2 weeks they will prescribe medicine to replace bone loss.

husband drive his car to st likes we left in his toyota corolla went to cvs 350 hwy raytown i picked up my clobetasol prescription from dr emily gray for my female issue she diagnosed december 2023 i think it was.

lichen sclerosus diagnoses



 


 

Thursday, July 24, 2025

Breakfast at 1030 pm july 24

 finally ate. up until 530 am july 24. slept til 1245 pm

on july 22 up at 8 am dr appt arrived 11 am . had ride pick me up to appt saw pa physicians assistant neorosurgery. he said not recommending surgery. osteoporosis bone density low. and if done the rod in my back 13 14 inches long at t10 level begin due to severe curvature scoliosis of my spine. 

waiting for endocrinologist to call schedule appt within 2 weeks they will prescribe medicine to replace bone loss.

 

People I know have these characteristic traits

 has places for cats and or other animals all over the house and outside. does not clean the spaces the animals sleep in.

his face in the screen be it tv television cell phone computer when i am talking to him ..mls plays computer chess often or looks at multitudes of websites while having a "conversation" which is no real talking at all 

won't look me in the eye very often..looks at anything else but my face

clutters up spaces makes piles of stuff anywhere they live or have access to such as other people's storage spaces like sheds or houses

eats stuff that is convenient and tastes good not thinking about how healthy it is 

loses temper fast over any little thing

drives too fast, cusses out other drivers, likes to take the highway.

always in a hurry to get there wherever it is or may be 

gets upset pissed off over any item being moved around

throws temper tantrums over any item being tossed into the garbage 

hangs onto old and useless things thinking he might use it later 

watches me with close eye when i am cleaning which requires moving things around then gets pissed off if any piece of furniture or any item is moved or tossed into the trash

calls me bad names like naive gullible stupid worthless "you dont know what you are talking about" "i dont understand you" "why dont you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone!" 

paces around the room when i am eating to see what i have and grabs something i have or off my plate thinking this is normal behavior. usually does not do this to other people just me. why?

leaves their plate of food open uncovered while eating then jumps up answer the phone or runs off doing something else leaving the meal unattended while flies land on it or maybe the dog or cat or other animal jumps up onto the counter and gets into the food  

loses temper when loses at board games like monopoly chess etc


 

Quick tempered people are all about the money

 and lack creativity

No one should have to live with an angry person

Anger destroys. Patience creates

He's got more muscle than brain and believes the opposite

No one owns me. I belong to no one. I own no one.

Wednesday, July 23, 2025

Good enough for

 a free roll in the hay

cleaning up other peoples messes

paying bills

running errands

grocery shopping

buying groceries and household items

cleaning house

washing dishes

hit kicked slapped punched

sarcastic comments about what i love, the way i look, how i feel. what i say

writing letters

doing taxes

selling on the internet

writing in my journal, diary

working low paying jobs



Conforming to someone elses wishes is out of the question. Impossible

Should have

 been with, around, married...a clean mature man perhaps in the medical field. One who studies and practices medicine, science, health care, psychology, sociology..something..anything other than the men who do hard manual labor like mechanics, lawn care, construction, plumbing, electrical, manual labor trade jobs as these jobs are filthy and often these guys are dirty about themselves and have unclean habits.

Spreading their germs, dirt and filth randomly about. Touching anything and everything and not properly washing their hands. 

Sneezing. Coughing and hacking uncovered. 



Bug infested house

 this house is infested with many bugs. 

One day it might burn down and it will be cleansed. I try to clean properly and get resistance constantly. Same story throughout my life with many different people ...except my grandma Sarah and my sister Joyce.

Tuesday, July 22, 2025

Bullies don't impress me. Cracking skulls is destructive not creative

 bashing brains, breaking bones 

contact combat sports are zero interest to me

this is NOT self improvement to me



Monday, July 21, 2025

Radio in his car is the first thing he showed me

 i was 25. he was 26

as a child i was addicted to the radio and tv television. escape methods from insanity at home.

is this common?



You are I am not welcome or wanted

 direct and indirect indications methods

i have all of them


Sunday, July 20, 2025

intense dreams during baos. usually nightmares

 had a very bad one recently . slept in my recliner thot it was that chair. now i know it isnt the chair . still have bad dreams sleeping in the floor. i eake up crying in the morning also. 

 dream interpretatiion driving van up staircase

540 to 7 pm july 20 2025 sunday. crying eyes out before falling asleep. up at 9 am asleep around 230 to 3 am


tjust woke up from nap. intense dream. mike driving old brown chevy xab uup tight stair spiral against my will wishes.

damon was with us. he needed his diaper changed full of pee.

his destination a place building full of rooms halls childrens bathrooms

 i couldnt find my big purse bag carry all. u thought it fell out the van diir because he was driving too fast tight curves . 

swimming i wanted he blocked

i an dying if thiret need water


he needs to beat up his partner whoever it is

 to feel superior better smarter than her/him

girlfriend wife co worker relative sister mother brother


moth to the flame attraction

 i am the moth

he is the destroyer

the killer of me


Neighbors can see is his top priority

Bug infested rat hole house. Front looks fine. Inside filthy

 I live in this bug infested nest . I am tired and sick and sneezing all the time. Feel like shit most of the time in here. Suicidal. 

ants all over in master bath

spiders everywhere inside and outside

dust mites june bugs stink bugs millipedes centipedes roly pollies mosquitoes flies housefly fruitfly gnats ticks body mites fleas chiggers


sometimes roaches

thorough deep cleaning impossible because he is in the way at all times

shit junk piled up around the outside of house and piles and boxes of tons of useless crap cardboard papers newspapers inside the house.



Wifey Me: NO MORE. The other woman has all the benefits

 other one not owned is treated like gold.

she is adored wanted desired respected sought after 

she never begs or pleads for anything

she is showered glorified given everything

she is never a people pleaser


Don't like

 crowds, earling mornings 7 am to 10 am

being rushed, pushed, forced

being forced to deal with alot of people esp grumpy complaiining bithcing whiners

clutter, filth, piles of anything and many piles of mixed up stuff things

stinking smelly anything includes people, animals, dirty laundry clothes, rooms, 


people pushing me or themselves to be first

impatience, rudeness, 


being interrupted in anything; thoughts, work, cooking, talking, moving, walking,

being stopped

being questioned





Nervous habits throughout my life

 thru the years..

fingernail biting

alcohol ingestion

smoking

fearing unfaithfulness of partner

seeking company due to loneliness

overworking

oversleeping

not sleeping enough

excess coffee tea food

reading too much

movie tv show watching binges

sex overdoing hours

telephone talking for hours on end

over talking to people strangers or familiars

no talking silent treatment

hibernating

excess self criticism

perfectionism

fantasizing








He works hard physically

 And I noticed today his hands shaking uncontrollably while working on my van.

His movements in work is slowing down and thought processes are slowing, showing some forgetfulness and confusion.

He works and tries very hard especially in mechanical things. I dont think he is aware of his shaking, slowing down and aging functions and appearance.

I dont think he is as aware of himself as he is of external things.


Leaving the house before 3 or 4 pm is not what I like. I prefer late afternoons and evenings.

Good hygiene practice prolongs good life

Thursday, July 17, 2025

Dad July 17, 1927 would have been 98 today

 We used to celebrate our birthdays together in July. 2002 summer must have been the last time. He passed January 28, 2003. 

He took me to many places to eat. Golden Corral in Independence, Missouri..it was on Noland Road. Outback Steakhouse. Mr. Steak in Independence had all you can eat crab legs. I took my time eating that crab. Loved to break apart the claws and fish out the meat. 

Arthur Bryant's barbecue downtown Kansas City, Missouri. Gates bbq. 

We also had many family get togethers, picnics, outings, lunches and dinners. 

I live a horror movie; I don't need to watch one

Monday, July 14, 2025

he threw a fit again today

 this one generated because i told him i am throwing away a broken cheap food processor crofton xb9018 i bought for 3 dollars at a thrift store

he doubled up raised right fist. said shut the fuck up. told me i was stupid . said maybe youre the trash


accused me of slamming my bedroom door


Rage begins in the self, in the home

 extending from the self 

first existing in individual

ending up in home. work. job. neighborhood. family

the killers rage

criminals rage

is driven from within himself or herself


Bouncing they like to watch

I wish the nights were longer

 the days and years were longer

I wish I was 21 again for 40 years and had knowledge then it took me 64 years to learn


Saturday, July 12, 2025

Hygiene. Cleanliness. Self awareness

 Aware of where I am/where you are.

All body movements. Touching anything with hands, feet, fingers, body.


Tuesday, July 8, 2025

Horse back riding grandpa took me when I was 10, 11, 12 or 13

I was a little girl

He took me to benjamin stables in kansas city, missouri. Ironically enough, it was located not far from this house I have lived in since December 15, 1991.

I cried when he kicked the horse because he wanted it to go faster. That was grandpa LeRoy's personality. Push, shove, have no empathy. Strong drive for strenuous physical activity daily. Early riser. 

I cried when he rammed the old horse's side and yelled at it cussing "go faster goddammit". He was paying for our ride. I felt so sorry for the old horse and upset with his yelling as he often did.

He took me to see Bambi when I was 5. I cried. Bambi's mother was killed by deer hunters in the woods.

He and I were watching some western movie about cowboys and indians. Wagons were getting robbed, looted and people were assaulted, shot stabbed, killed. Women were abducted and raped in the movie. I was only about 12 or 13 years old. Immediately I asked "What if she was on her period and wearing  tampon and he tried to rape her?" 

Grandpa shirked, smirked as if it was no big deal and said something like "Well I guess she would have to take it out, wouldn't she?"



Monday, July 7, 2025

Circle of associates friends family top priority

 determines status of life


War is daily at home in my house

Living with a psycho you will barely succeed or live

Predictive analysis. Top priority job

Ps of engineering. Planning prevents poor performance

 learned back in 1984 early 80s from engineer step father in law 

One of the most difficult, time consuming things to do: Plan ahead on anything.

Unpredictable people and things that happen out of "nowhere" sometimes alter my or anyone's plans. 

Being flexible, free flowing, adaptable and going to plan "b", c, d, e, etcetera is possibly the most important quality of a person's character they can have. Mutating, changing, learning to go with changes.

Found out it is also a military saying. Previous prior planning prevents piss poor performance.



Walked off job at Bannister Auto Parts 1993 or 94. Hired right back later by the owner

Days I have lived. July 7, 1961 to July 7, 2025 Correction: Days I have been alive but not LIVED

 


From and including: Friday, July 7, 1961

To and including: Monday, July 7, 2025


Result: 23,377 days

It is 23,377 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.


Or 64 years, 1 day including the end date.


Or 768 months, 1 day including the end date


Correction: Days I have been alive but not LIVED



Sunday, July 6, 2025

Human being animal has to be craziest stupidest life form that exists on planet earth

He called me

before  trip to branson sunday night june 29 2025

trip to kc chiefs stadium party. someone gave him free tickets most expensive seats in house. took his girlfriend

trip to overland park festival october 2024 her birthday

all trips involved common denominator kayla going



Dad. Born July 27, 1927. Died January 28, 2003

 

From and including: Wednesday, July 27, 1927

To and including: Tuesday, January 28, 2003


Result: 27,580 days

It is 27,580 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.


Or 75 years, 6 months, 2 days including the end date.


Or 906 months, 2 days including the end date.


Mom. Born May 14, 1939. Died December 14, 2003

 timeanddate.com

https://www.timeanddate.com/date/durationresult.html?m1=05&d1=14&y1=1939&m2=12&d2=14&y2=2003&ti=on

From and including: Sunday, May 14, 1939

To and including: Sunday, December 14, 2003


Result: 23,591 days

It is 23,591 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.


Or 64 years, 7 months, 1 day including the end date.


Or 775 months, 1 day including the end date.


Saturday, July 5, 2025

Stupidity, insanity: those do not know they are. Most dangerous of all

I used to work myself into a frazzle of death

Characters are born that way.

Books, which I love, never taught me the real deal about life dealing with people.

Predator minds differ greatly from cooperative minds

 As a cooperative person I find it difficult to think like, deal with and anticipate what the predator mind is thinking and likely to do. 

I don't want to be a predator or think like one. I don't want to face the truth that predators do indeed exist. Denial of this fact is one of the facets of my personality, falsing believing that people are up to good and will be good if they are treated good. Truth is, the better I am to them, the worse they are. 

Living in peace seems to require being aware that these different kinds of people exist and that they will take advantage of any opportunity to destroy peace because they hate it. 

Does this mean one should build a wall around themselves literally and figurately, sprititually, emotionally and physically at all times in order to maintain the peace?


I can remember back to age 2. Evil thoughts did not generate in my mind then. I learned it from other people.

Clean, balanced, peace, simplicity, nice things I always liked.

 Grandma Sarah used to tell me that me and my little brother Kenny (Kenneth/Ken) always liked nice things and places. She saw it in us when we were small children.

My youngest brother Ken was very neat, clean, orderly, quiet, well mannered, good natured and liked. So was I.  Peaceful by nature we both kept to ourselves and did well in school and at home. I never remember getting a spanking and never got in trouble at school.

Our other brother, the third born of our mother and 9th from my father, also liked nice things when he got older. However he was destructive when he was an infant, toddler and youngster.  He died at 33 due to being a drug addict and alcoholic.



Friday, July 4, 2025

Mistakes

 1. being born

2. giving birth


Class. High. Low. In between

Fortunate to try stuff got bored with

 casino gambling 

a little bit. had enough of that bull shit when the neighbor took me over 10 years ago. she would give me 5 dollars. i lost it in slot machines a few times. 

she and i stuffed our guts at the buffet. tasted good. paid later with pain. no good.

ex mother in law also did ameristar and paid for my food buffet a few times. she also gambled heavily at the slots. 

i got nothing good out of sitting on a chair on my fat ass and watching other fat women and men pouring their money into the cracks and losing it.

discovered i had more fun walking around getting exercise and watching fools and lights flashing




Escaping

 various ways methods used 

school work workaholic over exercise starving eating too much or not enough

reading anything signs books manuals literature magazines catalogs brochures instructions cookbooks 

writing 

drinking alcohol

attempting to smoke myself to death cigarettes cigars with tips..it didnt work

acetaminophen ibuprofen for pain they didnt work

3 pots of strong coffee a day

6 to 12 bottles of soda pop a day

a gallon of strong home brewed black tea no sugar or sweetener

fasting

gorging

cleanse parasite liver gallbladder enemas

roast in hot sun

strip clothes off in subzero weather

overdosing on pink pills. threw up

scratching gouging self with fingernails

bashing back of head bathtub cinder block wall

being silent or talking too much for long periods many hours 4 5 6 7 8 10 12 18 24 48

forcing too much in the kitty self

taking care of someone else ignoring myself. does not work. more i do the less they care about or value me. in fact their hatred of me increases 

pinching pennies so bad i can hear abe lincoln scream

random splurging on useless things 

hiding anywhere

leaving the scene of discontent

choosing solitude when company was no good








Rescuing

 a young person i know lives in hell. 

the outside world thinks it is heaven due to outside appearances and having all the things money can buy

i know what is going on in there

no one else listens

a miracle of fortune is needed to save this soul 

so he can live his life in peace and harmony and grow up to be a wonderful mature man

it will probably take the rest of his life to heal and understand all of the things that have happened 





Incognito. wear a mask. go to strange places. talk to strangers

that i will never see again

that someone else / me/ looks poor, plain, unadorned

the other side is rich beautiful and fancy and nobody knows it


Tuesday, July 1, 2025

Daddys boy. Mans man

 both my sons and all 3 husbands

desecrates denounces disrespects women me and mother

not Affectionate or empathetic

woman is for sex maid work doormat slavery

children are robots are punished for differences or disagreeing


New clothes yesterday. Dumped more trash. Donated

 a bunch more stuff. My closet is looking better. Bedroom better

Kicked out of the nest or flew off independently

 i flew off early. 16 and gone. didnt give a damn what anyone thought. chose my partners 

he hung onto mama and family. 31 when we got together. slow to wean. 



Monday, June 30, 2025

Huge mistakes

 being available. taken for granted. admitted love devotion loyalty to a man especially one not worthy of it

accepting less.

tolerating bad behavior.

going back after abuse.

allowing touching or sex after any abuse.

valuing a man more than myself

respecting him and not myself

settling for second best last place

making excuses for losers

feeling sorry for a bully






Saturday, June 28, 2025

Push and shove all you want. You can't make choices for people.

The genie is you and me

Eat and drink trash, act like and look like trash

 I have experience feeling and acting like trash after eating and drinking bad things and witnessed many people who suffer from the same thing.

Bad behavior: anger issues, depression, negativity, violence, aggression, unprovoked nastiness


Tests, games and contests compare and compete

I tried to tell someone shouldnt be said. You either said it or you did not

The only world he thinks exists is what he has seen and experienced. LIMITED thinking

First: Decide what I want

High quality

 I tend to choose the highest quality and often the highest price items in shopping situations.

Quality = durability, long lasting, practical, useful, needed, appearing simple/classy

Price = 

He

 cocky. arrogant. acts entitled. lacks empathy, appreciation, respect. 

inconsistent emotions. unsteady. volatile. moody. hateful. vengeful. mean. 

rarely demonstrates affection such as kissing hugging pats on back or anywhere. no cuddling or pleasant love conversations even after having sex. he says sex is good exercise, period.

becomes upset when i hug other people, when i talk to anyone, when i am me freely expressing myself.

 focused on the physical such as sex and hard work. money material things and self gratification are top priorities 

poor social skills especially with me. publicly appears polite nice clean hard working thoughtful.

always says what is your objective. what is your point. what are you trying to say. you think you know everything. just shut the fuck up. you are a dimwit, stupid, make no sense. dont know what youre talking about.

like a child/baby/infant easily wakened/ distracted. i must get him to focus on something else or wait til he is asleep or gone before i can accomplish anything. i must be quiet, not make noise, do not make any smells or sounds or be near him or touch him or have lights on otherwise he will wake up if sleeping or inquire about what i am doing if he is awake. sometimes i wonder if he ever really sleeps. seems like he doesnt deep sleep like i do. it is like he is half awake with one eye open all the time.







Sunday, June 22, 2025

Overstimulation in all things he suffers from. This is why he gets bored so easily

 food, drink, noises, sounds, videos, physical work and activities, all 5 senses overloaded with little time for relaxation with no outside stimulation

he needs to sit quietly in dark room with zero stimulus in order to learn to appreciate small things like movement of a thing like a curtain or sheet blowing in the wind


The wife is apparently not the best thing to be for me

 after being in the role (a predicament like jail)

since i was 17. i am 63. 46 years of futile effort

married to three different men (grown boys) 

it seems being the girlfriend would be a better choice indeed if i want to be respected loved appreciated adored desired treated like a queen

taken out given gifts attention time

as the girlfriend i can cut off the connection immediately when he is bad, never go back. no explaining. no me trying to make things right with a fixer upper male who will always be a turd toad

once married things have to be cut in two by law and is time consuming costly financially and emotionally draining


Saturday, June 21, 2025

People dont like my imitations emulating others

yesterday his sister asked me if he had any guns

 saw his only 2 living sisters sherry and dorothy in raymore mo last night . havent seen sherry in over 5 years.

she said she doesnt invite him for dinners anymore due to his political obsession fanaticism pushing it on everyone

sherry concerned asked me if he had any guns. i said only one i know of is single shot 22 rifle. he hides stuff all around in house and sheds in cardboard boxes so how would i know if he had any more?

she concerned because fanatics can turn into shooters like mass or anonymous or random or targeted shooting people in crowds or individual people



he sprayed furniture polish lemon scent on kitchen countertops

 a few months ago when he smelled something bad which was really in the trash can

i had to reclean all counters with soap and bleach water

No fun. He is.

How well can I tolerate these things

 Living with person male man who ignores me tells me to be quiet. shut up, stay out of it. keep my opinions and ideas to myself dont tell anybody anyhing

walks many feet in front of me never holding hands

thinks all he has to do is say and do whatever he wants  pay some bills , do hard manual labor around here and for other people


know it all personality

 https://www.bing.com/search?q=know%20it%20all%20personality%20disorder&cc=US&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001

Friday, June 20, 2025

Organization declutter necessary in this house.

 Just talked to him about getting rid of old vhs tapes in basement, for one and any other misc junk down there and moving the stand up deep freeze into the basement as it should have been years ago.



As soon as I turn my back he runs off talking to other people...

Incident in 2022

 Timothy Alan Phillips born May 14, 1983 on my mom's birthday. He died January 13, 2022. An 18 year old man shot and killed him in Independence, MO by 300 block N. Leslie apartment complex housing area. The shooting was related to a girl Tim was seeing is what his mother Debra told me.

I am inside the building in Independence, Missouri at the celebration of life for Tim Phillips sitting at a table. The room is filled with many tables and a hundred or more people.  He was sitting next to me.

 Suddenly he gets up at leaves the building. After a few minutes I decide to go outside and catch him standing outside talking to two teenage girls. One girl is the granddaughter of debra phillips wall. Debra Wall was born in January 1962. 

 He later says he asked the girls, "Who is your grandmother?"  I had told him that one of his ex girlfriends back in the 80s had a daughter related to debra and that girl is dating Tim.

Debbie's granddaughter is "Crissy" , Tim's only daughter. 

----------------

The almost daily occurance is he is gone and disappears and if at home runs off to one of the neighbor's yards or houses. Or he has taken off to someone's house like one of his family members, a friend of his or ours, one of my family members.

If I am awake he will usually tell me where he is going. Not always. 




Never trust a man. Never trust a woman. Humans are deceitful, manipulative.

 Same message in the movies, television programs and books/literature. Ulterior motives. Diabolical minds. Split brained. Cunning, lying, two faced. 

Adjusting their appearance, personality and attitude according to whom they are around.

Children around age 4 or 5 learn this survival tactic quite well.

A certain look comes upon the face when the child has done something wrong or is about to do it.




9:30 am he is gone Friday morning June 20, 2025 12:57 pm pulls into driveway

 last time his phone was on the internet was 721 am. It is now 12:43 pm and he is still gone.

He tends to leave in the morning after 9 or 10 am. Now I am wondering if he has been taking off at the crack of dawn or thereafter and I have not known about it. 

he said he went to raytown lawn mower spark plugs for neighbors mower, oil, dollar tree independence got several bottles of sweet drinks bread we dont need..he bought 2 loaves a couple of days ago






Great physical intimacy is not enough

 In an hour or so it is over. What is life like the rest of the time? My father talked matter of fact and practically about the sex act. It is vitally important in life but does not constitute a good relationship.


Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Sugar intake dementia adhd

 mood changes issues problems deterioration of brain and body

impatience anxiety hallucinations


Family pattern of my family

 fun loving

giving, free spirit, free spirited

direct, friendly, open minded

loves dancing, get together, parties 

plans ahead and organizes events

encourages individuality and self expression

entrepreneurship is common

some were alcoholics or drug addicts some abstained from those some were addicted to sugar starch fat causing 

some health conscious exercise eat right




Family Pattern of my inlaws

 Family Pattern 


blames others for situation and problems such as family members, partner, spouse is the one that creates problematic situations

acts like the victim 

paranoid


believes everyone uses each other out to get them

nitpicks nags complains bitches at partner and the world

looking for the "perfect" person with no "flaws"


trouble organizing things

accumulates too much stuff making life far more complicated

says things are complicated and can't see the simplicity and simple solutions to solve problems


immediately finds fault with anyone or any situation, place, circumstance

refuses to listen to simple solutions

negative focused


finds shit immediately and focuses on how aggravating it is, 

how much things suck, stink, get on their nerves

can't understand much of anything


another persons happiness and joy pisses them off because they are miserable with themselves

jealous of success of other people

says people who have lots of money don't deserve it because they should have it 

either because they work so hard or simply because they deserve it for no reason


accuses other people of screwing up their life when they are the ones who screw up

other's lives

self defeating

no one is good enough for them or good enough at any task or job


thinks they can do everything better

calls almost everyone stupid, incompetent and

says people "drag their feet" when in fact they are the ones dragging their feet


tries to make people realize "the truth" and avoids facing facts

aversion to smoke especially cigarette smoking and smells it when it is not there

outer world focused, external 


relies on external things to change before being "happy"

sabotages other people's efforts and joy and happiness

loses things accuses someone of stealing it, taking or moving it and

will move other peoples things without asking


crosses boundaries of others and gets irate if their boundaries and areas are crossed

keeps tabs on everything they "give" to anyone

expects a return on whatever they give to anyone


thinks they ought to be paid money for just about everything

takes advantage of any person or situation 

will not do a thing out of sheer kindness of heart desiring to see someone happy and smiling


sabotages parties events get togethers 

demands to be center of attention 

looks at lots of other people as worthless undeserving 


does not appreciate and yet demands to be appreciated and recognized

confused constantly 

thinks police are watching and after them


has head in the sand, foot in the mouth, head up their ass

spews out nasty comments and can't take any form of criticism, critique 


looks at self as GOD in control of all

ulterior motives are behind whatever they do and they accuse all others of 

having ulterior motives


gardening in dirt hobby in the family

marjorie sharon dorothy michael

seems to bring temporary joy


early morning risers

no dancers or dancing in this family

rigid hard work is glorified


some had several boyfriends girlfriends on the side 

like john and karen


"gives" people stuff they don't like expects them to act happy about it

sometimes gives me or a person a thing they like then acts like it is a

huge big deal that they were so "generous" and thoughtful


keeps things secret from spouse and tells each family member news

then acts like they told the spouse when they did not


10 am wed June 18, 2025 he takes off

 this seems to be a pattern of him taking off wednesday mornings and being gone until afternoon

today he said he is going to menards maybe to visit his sister in raymore and might go to sutherlands


Truth sets me free. I see right thru the bull

I am the only one who knows what I want

 and perhaps the one who can get it

Gullibility exists in all regardless of age

 each one of us are vulnerable and have our own soft spots 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Mature male

 impresses female his woman

protects, upholds. supports. 

cares how she feels. 

cautious with his words, tone of voice and actions

goes out of his way to make her happy, smile, laugh, be joyful


Why doesn't the world and me conform to him????

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Dorothy my sister in law

Born February 4, 1946

She lives with Sherry/sharon her only living sister. Has been for 9 years. Says it has been abuse.

Confined to her room by her sister. She called me this morning telling me again about the situation. 

She gives Sherry 540 a month for rent. The house is owned by Sherry. 

She told Dorothy to get out "I'm done" on June 2. Thirty days to move out. 

June 25 is sherry's birthday and her daughter Kari and son in law are coming to visit for 2 days then sherry is going to the lake her usual yearly annual activity. 

Dorothy is planning on leaving when she is gone.

D has confined herself into her bedroom. Now is banned from watching the tv in the living room. Stores food and drinks in her room.

S has told her "I don't want to eat with you", "I want you out of here. This is my house and I will do as I please."

D is much like me. Very friendly talkative, into astrology, psychic, intuitive awareness, spirituality, kindness and generosity. Peace, harmony, beauty, love dominate her thoughts. She likes neat, clean, orderly everything. Chaos and disorder drives her crazy like me. She writes in a journal everyday and loves books like I do. She was a sounding board for her sister and no longer sits and listens to S come home from work at her job in HyVee complaining. 

D likes to cook, make wonderful healthy food and meals. She loves walks in the park.She keeps records and documents of things. Likes nice restaurants, high quality places to go. Dressing up nice. Cleanliness.

D and I both have severe back scoliosis. Hers is kyphosis on the top. Mine is levoscolios in thoracic and lumbar region. 

D is very intellectual. Sherry is very physical and wrapped up into worshipping money and material things. 

The sister Sharon/Sherry is so much like Mike it is incredible. 

scholar, teacher, traveler, communication,

writing, words, author, poetry, beauty, harmoney, fine dining restaurants, politeness, manners, etiquette, creativity, photography

grace, beauty, eloquence, style, class,

birthdays holidays, parties, decor, decorations,

health nutrition

scholar, teacher, traveler, communication,

writing, words, author, poetry, beauty, harmony, fine dining restaurants, politeness, manners, etiquette, creativity, photography

grace, beauty, eloquence, style, class,

birthdays holidays, parties, decor, decorations,

health nutrition, gift giving, previous employment at law firm lawyer attorneys office

record keeper, remembers birthdays, wants to celebrate 




Marriage. All 3 a prison

 like a job where he thinks he is boss. as if i am a slave employee cleaning up dealing with his shit

not all marriages are like that but they are when immature people are involved


Whats your point. Go away. Last thing he said to me

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Arrogant he is. All the way

 i looked up definition. wiki and many sites define it with all the characteristics. he fits them all.


No one is going to save you. You must save yourself

Poisoning himself and doesn't listen to me and realize it

 massive intake of sugar, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, artificial flavors and colors. baked goods, candy, sweets. cookies, cupcakes, cake, drinks sugary tea, lemonade, juice all day long everyday. 

automotive chemicals used in the garage to work on cars, lawn equipment, lacquer thinner on skin

puts pain relief ointment on skin with aspirin

drinks alcoholoic beverages rum at night during day sometimes wine, beer 

uses chemicals on garden fertilizers weed control and wallows in it

puts on same dirty filthy clothes day and day working in dirt and grease and other stuff instead of hanging out in the rain or tossing into the laundry and washing them appropriately

bathroom needs thorough cleaning. has black dirty rags in it full of mold and who knows what germs are in them and then uses those old nasty cloth rags to wipe down a floor or dust in the living room 

mind filled with rotten world news and constantly focusing on the weather. grabs porn for free whenever possible and stashes it in cardboard boxes in the house so i don't see it ..currently it is hidden somewhere i am guessing in a box in loft up high in garage so he thinks i wont know he has it

overheats very easily...i don't know why he always has..and i freeze to death easily

leaves dirty napkins laying around

sneezes outside into rooms without covering face

handles any and everything and not always washes hands

leaves food containers in car truck vehicle even when temperature is hot outside like tuna kits nuts snacks candy anything and eats them ..leaves water bottles in car that in direct sunlight in driveway






The way I used to be vs what I have become

 people told me i was beautiful, cute, pretty.

shy, introverted. listened more than i talked. quiet. reserved. cried very easily over animals or people i sensed being hurt or died. cried if anyone even looked at me cross eyed mean or talked to me saying mean rude hateful things making fun of me criticising me in any way.

attentive. extremely sensitive.  used to massage my grandma's shoulders and neck and feet, grandpa's back, dad's neck, my husband's body. 

fun loving. dancing. laughed easily. cracked up over silly stuff. easy going. pleasant. people pleasing. calm. patient. believed in helping most anyone anywhere. too easy pushover. too kind, nice and helpful. willing to give myself and things for free. willing to work for nothing or next to nothing so others can be happy. 

TODAY I have become (and it took many years to be this way)

too talkative, too open, revealing, brunt, loud, obnoxious, giving free unwanted advice, revealing too much to anyone and everyone. 

aware that being too quiet caused me to get run over and taken advantage of.  

Music I love like prefer. Upbeat dance r&b disco happy drums steady beat

 used to have the radio on a lot. while working cleaning doing housework driving outside sunbathing..anymore I will turn it on in the van and once in awhile at home. 

Hirsutism I have. Getting worse by the minute.

 Very hairy. My face has a full beard and moustache. I use an electric shaver on my face, There are way too many hairs to pluck out. If I tried it would take me at least an hour. I can't see as well as I used thanks to having to wear prescription glasses so plucking is a sheer waste of time.

My arms are covered with long dark hair. I have hair on my abdomen, the backs of my legs are covered with long black hairs and the front is hairy; pubic area is very much so which started when I was a teenager.  Hair all over my knees and below the knees. Hair on my lower back. He calls it a "fur patch" on my back. Hair on my butt buttocks ass. 

Hair visible on sides of my face by my ears like sideburns. Hair on top of my toes.

Enlarged clitoris and labia. Salt cravings

Used to have severe acne. Cystic with huge pus pockets all over my face, neck, shoulders and back. I have bad scars/scarring all over those areas due to the massive pimples. Large pits all over my nose. 

Excess testosterone is what research indicates. 

I do not have a deep voice or large muscle mass. My muscles have withered due to lack of exercise and age.

Whatever the "disease" is or the cause I do not know for sure and I would surely love to NOT have to deal with hair all over by body that is normally on a male/man. I hardly ever see a woman who has such hair as I do. Most have smooth, clean, clear radiant skin without hair.

Many years ago, back in 2001 the gynecologist who did my tubal ligation and uterine ablation wanted to prescribe sprinolactone for me to remedy the hair problems. After I read the information about it I decided not to take it. I would have to drastically reduce foods that are high in potassium. Mushrooms, potatoes, lots of vegetables. I love to eat all those foods that have lots of potassium.

The articles I just read states that blood tests in those that have this problem reveal that the person has low sodium levels, a female baby is born with an enlarged clitoris, they can have low blood pressure which I have.   

 

 

 

Hiccups he gets frequently

 every time he puts hot sauce on his food he gets hiccups..same for hot peppers like jalapenos. researched it on youtube. a doctor says body is alkaline. sugar ingested and eating too fast and anxiety can cause hiccupping. he consumes sugary drinks high fructose corn syrup all day long. he drank some bottled tea with high fructose corn syrup sweetener in it over ice cubes and the hiccups stopped. could be the cold ice water that stopped it. 

he starts hiccupping when he eats and it sometimes sounds like he is choking to death

i haven't had hiccups for eons..now i think i discovered why is used to get them. if i eat and drink sugary things it can cause it. a long time ago i remember getting them and i would put a teaspoon of sugar in my mouth followed by water and they would go away. 

Friday, June 13, 2025

He cuts me off in mid sentence constantly

 fills in what he thinks i will say and is usually dead wrong

will not listen to me when i talk

 

Cleaning out my closet

 full of clothes. mens clothing shirts pants jeans ..i need to wear clothes for women females girls and dress like what I am.

I am a woman not a man

found a lot more shirts, thermals, pants and a mens bathrobe i am going to give away to my oldest son next time i see him

 

 

June 16, 2025 appt at 2 pm with a title company to

 put my name on this house. He said the law states title companies can only take cash or checks, no credit cards.  Cost is $100. He and I will go and I am writing the check for one hundred dollars. 

Rearranged my room again tonight. New sofa bed is on the way. Ordered last Saturday.

Thursday, June 12, 2025

He just told me to get a living will done asap. He feels so bad thinks he is going to die soon

His illnesses pain problems and food diet and drinks/beverages

 dehydration he suffers from. dark urine, constipation, 
back pain in kidney area, lower back
mood swings, anger, violent outrages are daily, irritability
muscle soreness, stiffeness, pain


claims it hurts his kidneys to drink too much water. yet he drinks and loads up all day long on sugary beverages: bottled lemonade from aldis', bottled cranberry juice. 

he eats sweet stuff throughout the day everyday/daily. cookies, snack cakes, granola bars, honey roasted peanuts, candy bars, hard candy, taffy, sugar laden cereals : honey nut cheerios, kashi granola, raisin bran premade

processed foods. beef jerky which is made with brown sugar as second ingredient, summer sausage, salami, pot pies, hot pockets, frozen burritos, many types of bottled hot sauce and barbecue sauce, imitation cheese slices, pizza, 

fast food like taco bell, hardees, wendys, dominos, kfc

There is no book to figure him out.

 there is no person who can help or fix him

solutions are unknown


6-11-2025

 140 pm dr appt. i came home. he told me to shut up and called me stupid.

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

5'3" 122 lbs I am today

 saw chiropractor. weighed snd height measurement.

treatment. tapping on my back

exhausted he said check diet sleep and exercise for that

bloodwork already done for hormones cbc etc

5'6 1/2" is my normal height

used to weigh 135 to 141 pounds



Psychology behind name calling

 https://www.psychmechanics.com/psychology-behind-name-calling/?utm_source=grow&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=automailer&utm_content=rec

Suspect activities...

 Some people consider these things to be cause for suspicion.

Reading books. Thinking. Sitting in a dark room awake with no tv television or radio on. Writing.  Talking on the phone. Talking to anyone. Expressing my original ideas or someone elses that he doesnt agree with. 

Walking into another room in house or on property outside. Looking at a bug or flower curiously. 

Not driving exactly like him. Not interested in all things that interest him. Discussing any subject not in his mind. Disagreeing. Differing. Straying. Being myself. 

One person in particular, the husband, man male I am married to is suspicious of these things. 



My father/dad took me to many places

 horse and dog tracks/races, to st. louis missouri when the Missouri Lottery first started.

he knew the best restaurants/places to eat all over kansas city and just about anywhere

carnivals, fairs, picnics, family gatherings/get togethers

disneyland, knotts berry farm, the beaches in california

he went with me to a real estate seminar where they offered the class to obtain real estate sales license

he was an avid reader. a go getter. friendly to all. helping hand. generous. 


Monday, June 9, 2025

He complimented me tonight as i was walking out the door

 you like nice with pink dress and black. your back is hardly noticeable with that outfit. pink and black goes good together ..

of course it is a backhanded compliment. he always has to throw in a comment about how bad my back looks....or how bad my face hair outfit any view of me looks 


nice things he has said are rare and few from him. most things he says to me and about me are critical demeaning hateful mean threatening 


 he seems to think believes by focusing on the stupidity of others it makes him appear smarter, more intelligent and capable than anyone els...