says i got rid of his cereal in the pantry
i didnt. i cleared out a bunch of old oat and corn flakes a couple if weeks ago and consulted him before i did it
he claims i threw his stuff away
he yelled stop throwing my shit sway or i am gonna break your fucking face
then he leaves about 1054 am is gone until 329 pm
later says he was at genes auto asking about which trucks to get independence missouri noland rd car lot driving around all over the place
i told my grandmother she had this when i was a teenager
she got pissed off because it is true
woke me up yelling about pantry thinks i threw put food cereal he bought which i didnt
threatened to bust me in the fucking face
i have audio recording of incident saved on tablet and google drive
at 1050 am recorded video google home him carrying dark blanket looking thing with something inside it he covered up walking up stairs
few minutes later he leaves never sd he was going anywhere
its 303 pm he still not back home....
maybe he picked a fight with somebody and got himself in trouble
319 he is back
end of him is soon
due to his own violent nature
he kills himself with chronic anger
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/202305/understanding-the-authoritarian-spouse
Key points
Authoritarian parenting refers to a rigid, controlling, and punishing style of parenting.
Individuals in a marriage can display many of the same characteristics to the relationship's detriment.
When it comes to interpersonal dynamics, one typically associates the term "authoritarian" with a particular style of parenting. In particular, the literature describes the authoritarian parenting style as rigid, controlling, and punishing in its orientation (Sanvictores and Mendez, 2022). Authoritarian parents want and demand obedience from their children, with extreme expectations about how the child should be. In instances when the child does not behave as required, the parent punishes them in myriad ways. Perhaps most importantly, what gets lost in the authoritarian parenting style is a focus on emotional nurturing.
Similar dysfunctional characteristics can be played out in a romantic relationship or marriage. As a psychologist who has worked with many couples, I can share anecdotal experiences with many couples who have struggled. Inevitably, one of the questions I find myself asking a couple is what each member believes the primary purpose of a relationship is. Independent of the issue of procreation, a primary purpose of a relationship should be providing a source of comfort and support, as opposed to frequent frustration or conflict.
The problem for scores of couples is that these negative and pervasive feelings often exist and persist because some foundational needs the members of the relationship have continue to go unmet. A spouse with an authoritarian style typically induces long-term feelings of frustration and resentment, with their spouse often feeling controlled and even suffocated.
Fixed, rigid beliefs and expectations
One of the hallmarks of authoritarian parenting is a belief system that is fixed and rigid as it relates to how the child should be. While authoritarian parents can have specific, exact ideas about how the child should behave, dress, and perform in school and at home, a spouse can have similarly fixed ideas about how their partner should be. The partners of spouses with an authoritarian style may feel that they are expected to play a specific role that was designed, rather than being given the freedom to be, grow, and change in the ways many adults do over the lifespan.
Controlling behavior
The authoritarian spouse has learned a way of coping in life and relationships, in particular, that is unhealthy. The authoritarian spouse dreads uncertainty and unpredictability, and makes extreme efforts to instill a sense of order and control in their environment. People sometimes make the mistake of attributing a controlling style with malice, although in many cases, controlling behavior actually stems from fear and insecurity. In some relationships, the authoritarian spouse may be afraid that a partner will stop loving them or even leave them if they do not direct and manage the other sufficiently. Because human nature inclines one to avoid being controlled or trapped, the authoritarian spouse ultimately pushes the other away emotionally by setting such fixed standards.
Punishing behavior
Aside from cases of outright abuse, an authoritarian spouse doesn't have the same opportunities for possible punishments with a partner that a parent has with a child. For instance, the authoritarian spouse will be hard-pressed to send their spouse to their room after acting out or withholding phone privileges for perceived violations. But make no mistake that authoritarian spouses have cultivated their own ways of punishing their partners to keep them “in line.” Punishments in relationships could include being “frozen out” and given the silent treatment, withholding physical affection or sexual contact, canceling important plans, causing a dramatic argument, manipulating finances or withholding disposable cash, and others. The partners of authoritarian spouses often feel that they walk on proverbial eggshells, never truly free to be honest about their feelings, let alone express angry ones that hold the authoritarian spouse accountable.
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How to deal with an authoritarian style in a relationship
Because no relationship is perfect or without challenges, no one should react in an alarmist, panicked way to problems unless actual abuse is occurring. The key in relationships is to learn how to identify clearly and simply what the problem is and what needs to change in order to improve the relationship.
First, clearly ask yourself what behaviors need to change; writing this down in a paragraph or two can be helpful. When you’re ready, ask your spouse if there is a time in the next week when you could talk about something that’s bothering you. Next, have the conversation. Share a few suggestions you'd be open to trying to improve things, and also ask if your spouse has any suggestions of their own.
Taking action toward achieving the goal of improving your relationship can make a major, positive difference. Talking to a mental health professional in couples therapy is often a good option. You might also consider finding a good self-help book you can each read and talk about afterward; talking to a professional at your religious organization; or watching self-help videos with your spouse about solving marital problems.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Sanvictores T, Mendez MD. Types of Parenting Styles and Effects On Children. [Updated 2022 Sep 18]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2023 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/
An authoritarian man's behavior when away from home is generally consistent with his personality traits of rigid adherence to conventional norms, a need for control and order, aggression towards those who violate rules, and deference to authority figures he considers legitimate. While he may present a manicured, "likable" image to the outside world, his underlying personality structure remains the same.
Key behaviors you might observe:
Respect for Authority (Selective): He will exhibit an uncritical, submissive attitude toward authorities he deems legitimate (part of his "in-group") and will expect others to do the same. In a work setting, for example, he might be an obedient employee to his direct superior while being highly demanding of his own subordinates.
Insistence on Rules and Order (for others): He often expects strict adherence to rules and conventional values from those he considers "lower" in status. This can manifest as being highly critical or punitive toward people who break norms or act differently.
Prejudice and Scapegoating: He is likely to hold prejudices and exhibit hostility toward minority or non-traditional groups, especially when authorities target them as "outsiders" or "wrongdoers".
Need for Control and Rigidity: His inherent need for security and structure means he can be uncomfortable with ambiguity, change, or new ideas. He may try to impose his own rigid expectations in social or professional settings, seeing issues in black-and-white terms.
Aggression and the Pursuit of Punishment: He may advocate for harsh punishments for perceived transgressors and may be on the lookout for opportunities to condemn "deviance". This aggression is often sanctioned in his mind by his belief in enforcing societal order.
Image Management: The authoritarian man is often concerned with maintaining an image of power and competence. He may present a carefully crafted persona to mask personal inadequacies or insecurities.
Paranoia and Cynicism: He may exhibit a general distrust of human nature and see threats everywhere, which can inform his interactions and lead to an "enemies' list" mentality.
Essentially, the core traits of an authoritarian personality are persistent across different environments, though the expression of these traits may be adapted to fit social situations, such as a professional workplace, where overt domestic tyranny would not be acceptable.
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Show all
Dive deeper in AI Mode
people high on sugar, alcohol, liquor
brainwashed individuals or groups, clans, institutions or cliques
most important thing i should have learned in childhood. to judge and instantly analyze people
they will make or break your life
poor man
poverty stricken cheapskate to me and lavishes on himself
loser
bum loser stupid idiot
dictator authoritarian know it all
manual laborer.
narrow minded money hungry worshipper
fool sneak liar criminal
one who eats drinks unhealthy things
filthy dirty mess maker pig
addicted to alcohol sweets gambling
con artist thief swindler burglar
mouthy mean selfish domineering
rigid. inflexible
fixed any change of things moving items in environment, change in my appearance ..clothes hair makeup
same habits.habitual
same things same way .
sex is same ways every time
goes to same places. same people.
same hobbies interests
same music.
same movies.
same words comments statements everyday. broken record statements about cars rust driving in the salt weather
inability to see any new information. cant accept any conflicting things .
belligerent.
incorrigible
same food and drinks.
same wor6⁶⁶⁶⁷ds used adjectives describing different things. choice words to describe many categories; chunk, cow, pissed off. ===y
rarely uses variety of different adjectives.
attempts to destroy grace goodness beauty nature natural parts of me
therefore trying to destroy my feelings of worthiness and attractiveness to opposite sex
People don't want to be analyzed, psycho analyzed, scrutinized, judged, viewed as they are: full of patterns, habits, idiosyncrasies and characteristics.
They feel fear, anger, resentment, vengeful, hateful, mean, aggravated when their cover is blown.
When they have been found out for their true selves. The way they are is frightening.
Yet people constantly judge each other instinctively whether they realize it or not.
You/we/i are judged instantly by appearance, movements, voice/talking, smells, actions.
Even the smallest of babies and children have this intuitive sense to judge whether or not someone is nice and safe and mean and a threat to their existence.
Fortunately babies and children and animals love me. It is only some of the older ones who sometimes hate me, usually after I reveal I am onto their motives and character.
he is a man male money and work is his game
female woman chasing is his other game
he's got to get some strange
a new piece another conquered bedpost notch
motivate him to max. present new pussy ...looks good ...he hasn't had
he is tired of same old reliable take for granted hole hoe
females drive him. not the one he thinks he already owns and conquered
he wants most ones he lost or could not get
until I write about them and what they said and did?
Live people can sue you. Dead ones cannot.
Explains why many true stories don't come out until after the subject is dead.
NO. It won't
The only way to erase memories is to get a brand new brain.
he went over on a monday to his 2 sisters in raymore. did some work on her house installing smoke detectors then they went out that evening and drove thru by longview lake to see the lights.
this is something i did 10 years ago with john layson and paul anderson. mike refused to go. said he didnt want to go. why go whats the big deal. all it does is cost money.
he took me last year and complained the entire time. same thing he does with fireworks display every single 4th of july independence day. he hates the displays. he did go on one a year ago july and complained the whole time about it.
and i would like to not feel it. i ought to feel just ice. cold, distant, not interested. as if he did not exist and never did.
then memories of all the years with him would not be in every cell of my body. good ones. very nice ones and the most horrible memories of all feeling like living in a prison of hell and damnation.
realizations and the current and former ways he treats me have slowly caused me to feel this contempt while sitting at the table with him watching him eat. and watching him eat sitting in his recliner in the living room. junk food. sweets, cakes, pies, snacks. and watching him eat cookies starting first thing in the morning right after he gets up usually around 8 am and eats cookies throughout the day constantly going over to the snack area on the book shelves in the kitchen and finding more junk to eat.
walks around the house up and down the stairs eating cookies dropping crumbs everywhere
and watching him take his fingers to pick up food he is going to give to the cat (chicken, usually) and take a bite of it when he is not even hungry. and he picks up food off cutting boards and eats it while preparing and he sticks the serving spoon in his mouth often and not even asking me if i want any before he does it. he does this with jelly jam pie server ice cream ..anything.
he licks his fingers after taking a bite of the chicken for the cat and licks his fingers from other things like sweets. he takes his finger wipes off condiment bottle edges saying i cant stand it when these get nasty.
sometimes he opens the fridge grabs something eats it right in front of the fridge.
its no wonder he usually doesnt want to eat much at a real meal. snacking on junk all day long.
i feel like i don't want to go anywhere with him anymore.
he is a critical mean anxious nervous wreck driver and has to be in a hurry..lets not be late he always says and has to find something to yell at me about each time we go somewhere.
there are so many instance of this assinine ass hole behavior i don't have time to write them all down. i have quick flashes of memorie of the many places we have been and almost every one of them is bad.
he is expert at trying to make me feel bad.
politics, pushy people. loud mouth idiots.
arrogance. vengeful people. mean. hateful.
rick ricky came over so he and mike worked on his truck for hours. i stayed away from both.
ricky called yesterday on my home phone asking if he could stop by. i said why. he said to see if mike wanted to help me work on my truck. i said, mike is not home.
i said your pattern is you are always close by the house, you call and want to stop by when you want mike to work on your truck. rick said i am not going to listen to this then hung up on me. he quickly followed up with a hateful text message on my cell phone telling me not to bother him again.
i found some food in fridge, precooked hamburger, lettuce, cabbage, red onion, cheese, a piece of broccoli and bread. took it in my bedroom and ate as i usually do most of the time for days months and years.
i wash dishes in my bathroom sink.
i use my cellphone, tablet and computer in here. i read a book sometimes. i write. i watch tv once in awhile..last night and night before watched some ray bradury theater from free roku tv on my new amazon fire tv i bought a few months ago cheap from best buy
so at the end of the day after midnight he comes into my room asking are you okay you're awful quiet.
quiet is good, i say.
is there something wrong he asks
no nothing is wrong.
and he says i know you dont like ricky coming over here.
i didnt see you eat all day he says. did you eat?
i did eat. i ate in here.
i said i was going to have a snack before bed. then i grabbed my tray next to my recliner chair he just sat in. i had just prepared peanut butter and jelly on bread and a small glass of milk (probiotic, filtered good milk i bought at price chopper that doesnt make me have terrible gas pains and smelly farts)
he finally left after about 3 minutes and went to bed.
he was on phone with clayton i overheard some of conversation when i was gone
must have been on his cell phone
a few days after thanksgiving visit
he lied said he hasnt talked to him since day of thanks when we were there visiting
i asked him if he had talked to him. he said no
overheard bits about how women were trouble and how he said he saw how heather looked at her and youre the only married man i know who has a girlfriend
and i dont think so not with her back like that. shes over at tonys supposedly helping him with computer. i let her do what she wants
he sd i need to let u go using my minutes fixing something to eat cant talk while barbecuing
watching him
he left his phone one day in april. it started dinging repeatedly. first time i ever picked it up .. lots of photos sent from clayton. got me curious. what is going on .. what has been happening.
unlike before where i was just whack a mole on his roller coaster hot cold love hate
still discovering more
i used to trust him implicitly
more i learn watch remember less i trust
more i learn worse he gets
secretive sly cunning ..more bits of secrets keep coming out.
hidden money conversations assets
great reasons for his defensiveness angry outbursts threats . not wanting to be open due to shame and guilt.
blaming me for his own self created problems and bad behavior
justifying himself ...some things are a felony like faux or attempted strangulation
threats of bodily harm
actual physical assaults.
accusations
of amything he "gives" me or does because of me
it is an accumulated debt i owe him in his mind
and he never owes me anything
does not keep track of what i have done for him
and who is watching. because he watches everyone else
constant outside focus on something like audio radio video tv internet physical activity
loud mouth news or sports people
loud music of various genres
control
listen to crap and watch stuff so they dont have to sit with their thoughts and think
games played like chess
never meditate, be introspective
never candle gaze or look at beauty of nature like a butterfly
dislike reading a book
would rather look at fast moving pictures
these guys must have constant aggravating competitive stimulus and they do not listen to their wives do not like peace calmness relaxation originating from within themselves
they have short fuses blow up quickly lose their temper over little things like other drivers spilt water or any substance
they cuss curse god alot at every opportunity
stare profusely at naked or partially nude women or faces of pretty cute females girls
must have dessert immediately at the end of a meal
eat too fast or eat while working or walking
think sex is just a form of exercise
leave mess after eating
ignore laundry
let trash stack up
keep tabs on me and what others are doing
think big things are what counts most
do not keep me informed ongoing basis instead toss things at me last minute
shoot orders
hate artistic minds like mine
detest poetry cant understand it
make secret phone calls and texts
praise each others prowess work
demoralize women
say i am mad pissed off that just burns my ass i ought to knock you on your ass i should bust you now in the face. you are lazy for relaxing reclining when you eat. you are worthless good for nothing stupid dont deserve anything
say shut the f up get outta my face
Never praise his work or his sex ability performance
Treat him like a piece of dirt the same way he treats me
I just learned from a book I bought awhile back called What Men Won't Tell You and Women Need To Know by Bob Berkowitz.
Two things men want : work and sex.
Be admired respected on the job and in bed.
That simple.
My first husband told me "You can control me with that" and insisted on it every night at the same time
Second husband took advantage of me in my sleep and said i couldnt do anything about it claiming a wife in missouri cant file rape charges against her husband. ..what a crock of lies...
Third husband says we dont have enough sex. If I dress certain ways or move certain ways he misinterprets it as if i want or need it . I cant even squat fully clothed when shopping around him. No squatting or spreading my legs around anyone else at home. But if we are in the woods alone he makes sure no one is around and wont bother me for sex.
by the way the 2nd husband watches tons of porn vids of sleeping women being screwed which i accidentally found out by looking at his laptop one day a few years ago
jwl said a woman asks to be raped by how she dresses
3rd husband says i thought u liked being raped
are possesive not protective
not prime choice males yet expect perfection from females
have nothing to offer and take everything anything they can get
abuse freely rarely apologize if they say i am sorry turn around and say and do same abuse nonstop
justify their abuse
spend large amounts of money on themselves. stingy selfish to girlfriend or wife telling her she doesnt need whatever it is
instantly and constantly criticize partner nonstop daily. nitpicking her to death about her looks clothes words hobbies food cooking interests choices wisdom knowledge her work is never good enough or hard enough. she is never enough so he compares seeks out other women all the time. he devalues her and is always looking for someone better.
he mocks ridicules her . he has contempt and disgust hatred for all about her.
he acts superior thinks he is better smarter wiser than her and anyone else
see nothing wrong with themselves and all flaws of others
stash stockpile money hiding it away to use on themselves
to
I have learned my lesson I think
The hardest way of all
Experience
I no longer am attracted to this type that cant be pleased no matter how i look what i do
I do not have to work at or try to please hom or anyone
If he doesnt love me at first sight he never will
The ones addicted to media tv magazine pictures movie characters the fake unreal are fake phony false and expect perfection from me at every moment
they suck up porn and dolls on movies or on the internet and hide away in their rooms when i cant see them jakking to videos of other women
they ogle ooh ahh eye spy on females anywhere and everywhere hoping to lock eyes with attractive women
they look the other way when i am right in front of of them avoiding my face my eyes and discount minimize everything i say
they do not compliment me adore me worship appreciate anything about me
when i express a want need desire something nice fun i like they not only dismiss it but say it is stupid ridiculous disgusting and they hate what i like what makes me happy
they want a slave android robot doll mannequin marionette at all times to look at and do their bidding. A woman who needs nothing never asks for anything. A doll to use and toss away to the side when they are finished using me up
they cant communicate have a 2 way conversation. its all about them
She is now 16 or 17. She is mute.
she is beautiful. blonde hair. blue eyes. she won't look at me in the eyes and avoids looking into anyone else's eyes or face. she hides in her phone to keep busy so she won't have to communicate with other people.
she has been molested since she was very young possibly as young as 3 . her grandma found out when the little girl was only 5 years old
she won't talk, won't hug, will not even hug her own grandma
she has tried to commit suicide at least 3 times and has been taken to treatment centers that have not helped, not done any good. authorities government cannot help as she continues to live in same home environment. Her own mother cannot and wont protect her. Mother loves father and goes along with him. He is authoritarian dictator lying liar thief abusive and will fraudulate insurance companies and take possessions from unknowing victims people. He may likely be one of the people abusing his own fragile daughter. Abuse so much she is under submissiona and will not even talk to anyone about it.
the man (the only one grandma knows about, there may be more than one) is a close friend of her own father.. her dad knows about it and does nothing to protect her. says she just needs to "not think about it" and "get over it"
Mike and Rick. So much alike it is scary.
Self serving. All about money and sex. The only thing a woman is good for is sex and to serve him.
Gets with female based upon their looks and sex availability and she seems to be able to be controlled.
Never seeks love from a woman. Only physical availablity. Expects woman to do a man's work right along with him. If she can't work and have sex whenever he wants and feed him food all the time she is considered worthless.
It is all about themselves.
Dont' give a freek what anyone else wants or how they feel.
Inability to plan anything.
Talks shit about everyone.
Use each other for work, money and things.
Sneaky. Impulsive
Explosive anger episodes daily.
Grabs any piece of food or drink anywhere and eats it without thinking about nutritional value.
Opportunistic. Takes advantage of anyone anywhere.
Childish. Acts like a preteen or teenager most of the time.
Calls most people stupid freaking idiots.
Says and does lots of stupid things daily.
Maintains false beliefs. Lives in a fantasy world.
Would never go out of their way to make their woman happy.
Runs right over anything she says
Uses name calling often.
Prejudiced.
Hypocritical
Junk mongers. Gets dirty daily.
Enjoys hard physical manual labor jobs.
Picks nose, spits anywhere.
Puts dirty hands on everything everywhere.
Can't take direction or advice.
Feels attacked at any time of correction to their behavior.
Continues to be rude, vulgar
Low class. Loves fast food junk and trash, sugary drinks.
Incorrigble
Pushy, forceful.
Dominates the whole house. Takes over everything around.
Punches and shoves women, females, girls.
Expects fast immediate results on everything.
Expects everyone to serve them right away like people are their slaves.
Expects me to not need anything, to be quiet, submissive, gone most of the time so he can do whatever he wants without restriction.
Looks at women's crotches first thing. Makes comments about how stacked built they are like oh look at the rack on that.
Instantly turned on by seeing flesh and lacking self control over their desires.
Shares porn materials with guy friends. Talks raw about the s e x subject no holds barred.
Believes people should have the shit knocked out of them especially women girlfriend or wife.
Cannot eat a a real nice restaurant.
Lacks table manners.
That's him. 100%
chronic complainer, ungrateful, hateful, mean, two faced, selfish. it's all about him first and foremost.
no filter on his mouth to me. slings shit out daily.
judgmental of everyone.
superiority complex. arrogant. rude.
know it all. egotistical.
images/status in public.
it is outward to the public appearing as stable secure.. the front of the house the driveway and vehicles appear neat and clean
he is perceived by neighbors and others as calm normal logical hard worker
inside is chaos disorder lack of his self control around me which I found out is really about him being a control freak over me and desiring control of the world. its not about him lacking self control because he controls his speech words actions quite well around everybody else
he around me shows his true devil colors then changes instantly to the calm nice guy boy next door the second someone else appears
he lacks discipline organization skills. procrastinates indecisive impulsive keeps me out of the loop so i have little or no notice or warning about his plans or when someone is going to show up over here
i wish i knew what he acts like what he does when he leaves here and goes places by himself
the only way i would know is to have a recorder on him where i could see thru his eyes and hear everything said by him and anyone around. the only thing i think that might be able to do that is Ray-Ban glasses i would have set to record at all times
what I want is not material and I wont tell you what it is. It is a mystery
Figure it out
Grow up. Be mature.
Be more concerned with what I think, how I feel instead of everybody else but me
Appreciate me and all you have
Have faith
Take full responsiblity for your thoughts, words and actions
Pray incessantly
Monitor what you look at, listen to and do with extreme caution
Use discernment to see what is true and what is fiction
Quit blaming me for your bad behavior
Quit telling me and everyone else what to do
Monitor your thoughts, feelings, emotions, words and actions
Eliminate your negative attitude, skepticism, blame, hatefulness, meanness, selfishness, rude behavior
Admit all your mistakes flaws failures
Empty the trash immediately
Clean up all of your messes
Give credit to others
Give up your ego, pride, arrogance, superior attitude
He is driving us to 1 pm appointment to see about medicare.
tells me to not say we have talked to other people about insurance
says does stupid run in your family?
you're a fucking idiot just like ricky your son
I must do things that make me happy and give me pleasure
the other woman
not the wife or live in
she is the other
she gets the best. sees his good side. jekyll is her man. she gets respect, gifts. fun activities. he buys her anything she wants. his white good face is the only face she sees.
unless it is a serial killer who does the opposite often showing jekyll to his wife. family and neighbors.
wear clothes that show my shape legs butt boobs
dance
converse with anyone anywhere
take college courses
smile as much as possible
have fun. laugh
bowling billiards pool motorcycle riding bicycle bike
from living with dealing with crazy immature selfish childish schizophrenic people
consistently misinterprets what i say
frequently says does things i specifically told him I don't like
misplaces things accuses me of moving taking or throwing giving away
repeats himself like a parrot Minaj bird
buys things i mentioned i am going to shop for by himself my presence input not included
calls me a know it all and that what he is
constantly uses the word "should" telling me what to do
confused angry anxious upset most of the time
makes phone calls in his garage bedroom outside planning things sometimes informs me at last minute he is leaving or someone is coming over sometimes does not tell me then claims he did
shopping together incidents are crazy bad
walking together is him almost running 20 feet or more ahead of me then he stops and turns around to see if i am still there
feeds stray cats and says i am sick if cats. uses our dishes does not use enough soap disinfect plates bowls we eat off of
pounds in repeats any flaws mistakes i made or make ..goes on and on for lengthy periods of time about any perceived defect i have physically personality speech actions what i am wearing
remains faultless
rarely apologizes says i am sorry for his bad behavior then promptly repeats the same abusive words and actions then acts like he did nothing bad
accuses me of being exactly like him: nasty, mean, hateful
he looks around the room to see how old people look compared to him
constantly comparing himself to others by looks of his physical body and ownership of material things and abilities
snackaholic
easily influenced to buy whatever he sees
worldy. does more for any other person except me
money focused. will do it for pay
shakes. hands are shaky i dont know why but i will find out. could be massive sugar intake along with caffeine.
has to know everything i am doing when i am in the kitchen, the pantry or laundry room downstairs, outside, in any room i am in then tries to change what i am doing, directing, ordering, advising, giving shooting orders about what he thinks i should be doing or should say. this covers most things i do including cooking food. he seems to think i should be making food only he likes. takes contol of the vacuum cleaner, house cleaning, dusting, movin, g anything around unless it is in my room (the only area I have some control over). even is he sees me writing he has to butt in, interrupt me and ask me "what are you doing?" and thinks I should be watching tv or always have some outside media influence on at all times like he does
he cannot sit still reflect, meditate, concentrate even on a small thing like a blade of grass, a bug, a candle, rock, the sky or any thing of nature
full of angry constantly daily
he is the war zone, warmonger monger
misinterprets others actions and words consistently and says oh he/she is mad at me because i won't go there haven't been there when the truth is he is always mad at someone else then blames me for his outbursts. the madness stems from him his feelings reactions. he is reactive not responsive and frequently wrong about my and other people's motives feelings actions
he projects himself onto me and other people constantly
he doesn't want anyone else to think bad of him in anyway yet he says and thinks horrible thoughts and things about other people daily
he projects his own inabilities and failures lack of certain skills upon me and other people frequently saying "I doubt it", "You can't do that", "I don't believe it", "You are too old", "That costs too much money",
will not listen to medical professionals about diet, health, eating, drinking, mental issues
he seeks out bad news, disasters, wars negative influences people, the most horrible things and outcomes of all
he makes sure to say the most insulting things at every possible chance
misfit
never happy. always miserable
says "I don't want to hear it!" and covers his ears with his hands like a small child
and "Shut the fuck up before I knock you on your ass!" and has often ran up the stairs shaking his fists at me and has pushed me, knocked me down to the floor, punched me in the jaw,
cannot handle any truthful analysis of his behavor or disagreement with what he thinks about anything
rebellious, mean, vengeful, hateful,
pissed off majority of the time
unable to make fast best decisions on things like car truck purchase, house insurance because it takes him forever to get professional advice and research
is constantly confused about most things
will repeat things he heard on conspiracy theory news sites and proclaims them as truth
easily persuaded by advertising at times,
brainwashed by news
will talk about things he knows about such as mechanical things and some things he learned in about dinosaurs the big bang and act like he is so smart and all knowing about science
says "it's complicated" on most things. cars, processes. cannot simplify most things
is simple. expects simplicity
laughs at stupidity of other people all the time, rarely admits his own stupid idiot words, sayings, thoughts, actions, motives or deeds
believes in hoax hoaxes aliens ufo abduction travis walton 1975, billy meier betty barney hill, psychic readings (he had one as a teen young man and taped it on cassette) sleeping prophet edgar cayce
lacks critical thinking skills
becomes angry, frustrated, mean, violent at any sign of me or anyone disagreeing with what he believes
constantly looks for "proof" of things delusions like alien abduction, stolen election of president trump, reincarnation and insists I and people listen to him and watch videos about these subjects
has hearing loss refuses to see a doctor for hearing test
turns up audio volume loud when i am gone on stereo system in living room playing all kinds of stuff from the laptop computer..first one thing and another; conspiracy theory news sites, pandora music that auto picks and makes a playlist,
uses headphones plastered to his head in living room while sitting in his recliner. often gets irritated when i try to talk to him and says nastily "I can't hear you!" blocking me out as if I am not here
lives in the past of the 60s and 70s regarding most music, choices of vehicles cars truck, subjects he was interested in since he was a child. mechanic, building things out of wood, concrete, moving rock stones yard work
says i make derogarotory comments about whatever he likes says or do when that is exactly what he does to me
one day i will be dead like every other thing that used to be alive
i quit. i dont matter.
all i have are my own memories. no future
current life and for many years a black sheep
a surrogate replacement fill in last choice
shunned black balled ignored scapegoat
unpopular unwanted not picked chosen
caterer never catered to
giver they take my time anything they think i have . never get ahead . shoved back and down
plain common ordinary ugly nothing special
look at daily life. ignored. not looked at. no friends.
he expects submission sex and money. hates to see me smile .is angry the majority of the time and goes out of his way to make me angry miserable or emotionless devoid of joy and happiness while he smiles at xmas cards from right wing republican political families he donates money to but does not know any of these people.
he refuses to do anything fun with me
the episode cheap ...the cheapskate twilight zone man resembles him
i cant give him what he wants. i dont have it i dont know who has it
i would rather go to sleep and not wake up
he yells at me...why do you have to make things confusing
regarding things like govt forms we have to fill out
sees things not there
smells things misinterprets them
uses wrong words more and more
touches things with fingers he shouldnt
a woman came over here dressed in a mans flannel shirt. she was referred by neighbor alex earlier this year to have him fix a mower. since she was dressed like that he said i thought she was a man
if i wear any clothing looks like lingerie or panties bra or if i am naked he asks me if i am in the mood which i am not
he says i look like hollywood when i wear long fitted dress with long sleeves
if i change my hair color go blonde he goes ballistic
i removed my coat when we got separated on the store he said he couldnt find me yelled at me because he was looking for that color i was wearing and i wasnt wearing it
before and after makeup pictures of women are unbelievable to him
a stocking cap i wear in winter is acceptable to him. a beret is not. the hat has to cover my ears. pulling a hood over my head is not acceptable. wearing those scarves draped around my head is not allowed..he says it looks like those people in the other country.....
i must cover my ass completely and my chest so no breast shows. i must cover my arms...they are too skinny and my muscle tone is bad.
i must not squat in public. must not dance.
must not talk to anyone or look at anyone
a thing he cant do because he is unaware he is the problem
no one can fix him
i quit
wife dresses conservatively, covered up. she wears minimal makeup, jewelry and has no tatooos.
you take her out in public. you are proud of her. she is presentalbe. modest, discreet. the picture perfect housewife type.
she is quiet, doesn't talk much to others other than saying "hello, how are you?"
girlfriend is opposite.
over most things i do
disagrees counters what i say
doesn't want to do things i ask. want, need to be done
doesnt want to do anything for me
tells people i am the troublemaker the one who causes problems
does nothing fun with me
does nothing to make me smile or to be happy
complains heavily about anything he has to do regarding me
tells me to shut the flkkk up dont move things around dont move his things or household things around
breaks his back and balls running to help other people friends neighbors his family sisters brothers when they were alive strangers. others are top priority
discredits my knowledge importance value appearance health
the urge to mate takes precedence over all things when it hits
my opinion
he is repulsive arrogant gruff loud mouth loser with the ladies and all the way around
greedy pseudointelligent rotund talker taker fake
He them her she whoever can go blank themselves
I will dress the way I want
Do what I love
disregarding any bs words said by anyone
only mean selfish jealous insecure possessive people would be rude insulting to me
I am fully confident in myself from now on
Only bullies try to hurt and try to keep me down try to make me feel inadequate and worthless the way they feel about themselves
baggy clothes i started wearing when i started taking walks in the neighborhood many years ago 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013
due to him commenting saying stuff about what i wear causing men to look stare stop bother me try to grab me throw me in car or van kidnap me rape maybe murder me
so i began wearing long baggy shorts baggy t shirts and the like
whenever i wear nice well fitting clothes it attracts attention from any person man woman or child
men slam on their brakes stop turn around yry to give me a ride ask me questions
even women comment like woman at walmart saying you have nice legs i was wearing shorts. young woman at target and many other women complimented me when i wear jumpsuit fits me well. he was with me several times it happened. he acts cold indifferent to nice things people say about how shapeky i look
at sams club i wore black t shirt dress above knee man in line eyed me up and down then said i will shop thru store with you tried to make date with me
wearing short black shorts i was at goodwill independence shopping with my grandson man grabbed my hand and arm walked me to store where dressing rooms are wanted to have sex with me in store
wearing jean shorts white fitted top at park indep man saw me drove up trying to get me
wearing jean shorts walking in my neighborhood several times men followed me approached stopped offered ride
keeps happening still even tho i am 64 my body is 27
teenage boys have approached me at pool community center gym . latest one is 18 yr old named ernie he is blonde tall good looking nice
even tho my back is curved twisted i have a nice skinny little body shape
chinese lady shawn hallis at pool says i look like i am 19 with my figure flat little tummy stomach
still have nice round ass butt and shapely legs and am flexibles doing squats stretches and the splits
little top tits breasts. always been small 34 b
have to wear padded bra due to pokies hard nipples
he comments says tits poking out any time i dont wear bra so i have to wear top underwear cover or else everyone can see my boobshape
now i know this i will wear clothes showing my body and use fanny waist pack when i need a purse
wednesdays are common pattern for him taking off often
then the drive thru pantry is wed at 4 pm
I meed to ly in the sun nude daily. everyday. I need hear over 70 degrees
75 and abovre is best
I have been called intense, cosmopolitan, sophisticated, intelligent, smart, brainy, emphatic, fun loving, party goer partier, classy, charismatic having charisma, having personality, diligent, cultured, passionate,wise, caring, sensitive
moody, too sensitive. complaining. graphic
it depends on the person as to how they perceive me.
often they see me how they see themselves or their general view of how they view everybody
harlow jundy, john layson. ed mertz. dave vajdic, marielle. rick wilson. chris rixner, perry montgomery. gilbert john wilson jr,
they like things the way they are. a dirty mess.
no amount of talking explaining, reasoning. logic yelling screaming punishment. fines, whippings. spankings, beatings. abandonment , isolation. laws enforced by government made them change their ways
they remain the same
growing up. upbringing. respect the mpther sisters father and brothers first.
then he she will respect partner spouse mate
caregiver. analyst. psychologist.
cleaner. remodeler. organizer. loner.
investigator. geneology.
pattern finder seeker.
artist. writer. dreamer. psychic.
nutrition dietitician.health sciences.
lover
discoverer.
philosopher.
includes
cleaning advice and methods
food and drink choices and proper ways to eat
feeding stray feral cats
organization of all things in the house
eliminating clutter
polite manners . open the car door for me, do not sneeze out into room uncovered, do not blow nose at table. use caution consuming media, radio. tv, mail. internet movies vhs dvd. music. podcasts
using eloquence in speech. use euphemisms to say express things about people instead of direct raw insulting nasty comments
monitor your thoughts first.
quit cutting me off in mid sentence and not listen to what i say
bargains are to be found even at expensive stores and restaurants. cheap fast food and bargain discount stores are not always the best deal monetarily or healthwise
Typical. What I wish, what I think will happen usually doesn't. Other people do what they want to do and follow their habits and routines.
The only person that does what I want is me. Myself and I.
Survival tactics of deception:
Learn to hide things, not reveal feelings or information, make up untrue stories.
Divert someone's attention to something else when they are talking or doing something.
Cover up
Do things in secret
Fear of reprimand, punishment, being caught, stopped, hurt, abandoned, killed, injured, deprived, starved, pain
Desire to be autonomous and do and get what you want without anyone in your way
Why does he do these things?
mismatched bedding linens blankets sheets towels. says does not bother him i say looks like a hobo trashy person
little bottles of shampoo conditioner cleaners very old packages in the shower in his bathroom and keeps for years
hangs onto old expired pills vitamins medicines ointments creams food paint cleaners solvents parts for cars any devices
dirty old black rags in the shower he uses for everything
various little rugs and large rolled up filthy area rugs rolled up in the stairwell
100s 1000s of things filling up the garage many in cardboard boxes so only he knows what is in them
electronics stereos amps speakers stacked up on racks in the garage stuff he doesnt use
wears hoodies pullover tops with stuff written on them which can be controversial when wearing in public; stuff like marines, infowars, donald trump, alcatraz
bumper stickers on his car and truck political messages, very controversial someone might see them and shoot him because of it
yard signs with political messages
small containers of crap in the refrigerator. bits of liquids food drinks sauces food that get shoved in the back and do nothing but take up space making it diffficult to maneuver and get food out of the fridge
packing up the main hallways with crap old junk newspapers vhs tapes etcetera
trinkets of junk in his bedroom. things he found got inherited saved from miscellaneous various places like people's house, the park he visits to take walks
makes sure i leave none of my stuff in his room, the living room, the garage, any room but my own or his car...why? he doesnt want anyone else to see any of my stuff in his vehicle or rooms in the house?
gets phone calls and texts from people in private. gets on the phone talking to people outside or in his room or in the garage without me knowing it. the neighbors, my own two sons call and text him often which i sometimes find out later
uses earbuds headphones sits in recliner on laptop for hours watching x22 report alex jones conspiracy theory news, checks weather constantly, scrolls thru his cellphone looking at what i dont know
watches every move i make when i am at home or when we are out together monitoring who i talk to anywhere i am
doesn't want me talking to people in his presence, dominates conversation with anyone around. this is everyone, friends neighbors, family members, my one friend who lives in vancouver washington that i only talk to rarely on the phone
anytime i meet a new person before i introduce him to them he accuses me of having something to do with them
sighs in disgust often. disgusted at many things. list is endless
monitors everything i do
must have company, a third party around for safety.
when isolated with mr public jekyll he/ she turns into mr/mrs hyde in a split second
as soon as another person enters the scene hyde turns on the jekyll instantly
as soon as the phone rings hyde snaps out of it and turns on the charm
in isolation i have the misfortune of being around hyde all the time
so i hide in my bedroom and bathroom
or leave when i get the chance
the world out there is completely different
Should death be forced upon, encouraged, aided for the animal damaged beyond repair?
When the being is so screwed up mentally or physically should it go on living and breathing?
Should it be forced to live in a state where it cannot care for itself much less anyone else?
Why are we so against death mercy killing suicide murder?
I wanted to live fully and wholly with a functioning body. I did not want to be a crippled retarded freak that cant defend itself or support itself.
I have been drawn to thousands of things since birth
From a to z. If there was no alphabet or language the things would be everything. All without names. Just impressions.
Cycles, eras of intrigue. Patterns of interest.
in my bedroom dresser drawer i would hide candy so grandma wouldnt see it. my diary i started when i was 10 or so was in there too and i was always careful about what i wrote as i thought she would read it and she probably did read it and she probably found my candy too. i know she read my mail the letters i got from people ..she took some and destroyed or hid them. letters from my mom. my girlfriends. a guy i met the night i ran off when i was 15 because i wanted to die from living in that house
i was waiting until i got out of that house before i wrote the truth about her ...the way she was .... a real jekyll and hide female woman
now i hide lots of things in my dressers bedroom and bathroom drawers shelves closet
including lots of food not much candy just dark chocolate and peppermints. i have canned goods cereal nuts popcorn beef sticks coffee tea honey hot chocolate mix in my closet my drawers the shelves inside bathroom
important papers birth certificates licenses social security journals
any possible thing lying around in plain sight is not safe there or here. in fact its not good to leave things out at anyones house or in my vehicle. dont leave stuff lying around in the kitchen living room bedroom outside or anywhere else
tidy is the word
november 13, 2003 . first time he shoved me knocked me down. he came home looked at drapes in my bedroom got mad said i tear everything up then shoved me knocked me down on my ass onto the floor. i got up looked him in the eye and i did nothing to defend myself. same thing i always do. he had come home that sunday evening after going to a wake.funeral from the next door neighbor tim nolan who had died. i had just came home from working at super flea and was sitting at my computer working on stuff.
before that probably in late 90s one time i was sitting on his bed in his room he got back and faux strangled me
another time in late 90s or so he got mad over something trivial i went to my room shut the door not long afterwards he raced down the stairs and kicked my door in breaking wood in the frame by the doorknob where it locks
he always used the threats that i go live somewhere else like at my dads, moms, sons, john laysons house, my ex husbands when he gets irate. i cant pinpoint the exact events he was mad about at these times he threatened that i go live somewhere else.
whenever i have been over at someones house he seems to think is too long he comments what are you going to do move in with so and so?
he cant stand it if i visit at a neighbors house even my friend wendy or debra/debbie. after an hour or so he jumps the fence go to their front door comes in to see what i am doing which is nothing but visiting and talking like i do with hundreds of people
he said i am intelligent full of good information and not a cold calculating type of person
what a wonderful compliment!
things i never hear from the spouse husband
breath smell. white teeth. skinny girls. money.
criticizing people and partner to death
avoiding deep cleaning of own stuff
public image. body. clothes. hair. their teeth.
imperfections on the face: pimples, scars. spots, black marks, zits, off center lips, big nose, hairs on face or out of nose
my voice and word choice, tendency to mock imitate me
entertainment media tv internet cell phone radio magazines books
clothes i am wearing. how much skin i show
lips. lipstick. eyes. makeup. mascara eye shadow. hair color length is it combed kept up.
INVENTIONS IDEAS OF MINE
bottle bag in summer 1991
mop slippers
handle stay grip, stay put for brooms, rakes, vacuum handles so you can put it up against wall without it falling over onto the floor
attach to any handle
hair clip, hand shaped for good grip. makes hair high up. looks good
1. some call to talk.
2. some only call when they want something from you like work or material things or physical body rub
3. some will call for both reasons
#2 types only give me full atttention during the work or "rub" process. they do not like to carry on conversations on the phone or in person unless the entire conversation is about them. once they complete the job or subject they are done. they get to point.cut me off when i am talking, interrupt snd change subject often figuratively throw me out of bed when finished with me. they dislike exploring many subjects and having discussions
#1 and 2 types are rare
in my life i primarily experience type 2s
they are in a rush to get what they want =³³³³
what is it called when a person undergoes long periods of suffering at the hands of s crazy person and their health suffers so bad they end up dying but the tortuter murderer did not use physical means but used mental cruelty to kill the victim
is hyde
must have constant noise
many things
multiple projects
constant activity
control of area people animals things weather
visual stimulus often
is jekyll in public
is unsecure. fear based
conjures fallacies and reasons
has many faces personalities
hates his own reflection
intolerant of mistakes of self and others
hides lots of things
tells me things and people he hates wont tell them to their face
predicts negative outcomes often
sees the dark side
doesnt want strangers public to think bad about him the way he thinks bad of others
ultra sensitive to any stimuli
believes in ufos aliens
seems unaware of effect he has on me not taking responsibility for his words and actions then blaming me for it saying i did something when i didnt
views world as battleground of war
impulsive anxious shaky jumpy nervous
cant stand silence or meditation self reflection
trouble remembering dreams
awakens wakes up quickly
fmo fear of missing out
sympathetic at times zero empathy other times
feeling sorry for something like the weather was bad but not for what he said or did
cant sit still when eating at the table
eats meals and snacks in recliner often
uses single serving alcohol bottles rum whiskey any kind
saves little packets of condiments
makes sure none of my stuff is left in his car truck bedroom any room but mine
likely has sides and life i dont know about
has never forced sex upon me
allows me to sleep as long as i am in a bedroom
i dont think he snoops thru my stuff
doesnt want strange men or males in the house females are okay
doesnt want me to tour the house
doesnt want me alone with anyone in house
insists he be in house if anyone else is here
misinterprets my face mood words motives actions often
denies i have intelligence am smart am nice people like me that i have talents can go to school
believes in getting replacement before getting rid of old item
rollercoaster ride of love hate ambivalence towards me
emotional ups and downs
lacks enthusiasm for most things, complains instead of being appreciative
says goddammit alot uses the name of the lord in vain and cusses saying son of a bitch crap shit its all a bunch of crap shut the fuck up fucking dammit damn them
is insecure
focuses on hair, body, spots on the face putting makeup over any flaw scar pimple imperfection combs hair perfectly, into the physical appearance and activity more than inner growth spirituality
freaks out over many things: seeing me throw anything away from food to material items i put in the trash give away donate toss outside in the yard
seems to not understand expired things that have expiration date and have a shelf life. believes things stay good for years way beyond their use including vitamins medicine pills spices paint canned goods food
saves tiny and travel size bottles containers for years, keeps small bottles of shampoo in the shower doesnt want to throw them away toss them out get rid of them
worry worry wart worries incessantly nonstop over everything instead of having faith belief trusting energy god forces. negative viewpoints are instant and immediate in response to most things
doubters, doubts all, is skeptical of just about everything
suspicious
black sabbath paranoid
schizophrenic family. what my mother warned me about. mom was always talking about schizos.
unable to see he is the problem has mental issues learned from mother and family
bounces from loving compassionate to intense hatred anger
before I began working at super flea in the music shop back in 2000
look good at all times
be pleasant and nice at all times
go along with other people comply with their wishes
give up their own interests and take on other peoples like and dislikes
be a chameleon
endure pain and misery and never complain
put up with verbal and physical abuse and not say a word
forgive continually
forget and not bring up the past
be 100% obedient
be tolerant of anything
pretend like they like things they don't
be agreeable, patient, kind
be the little maid, slave, cook, laundress, errand runner, shit cleaner, caretake, child raiser and act like they like it
endure put up with chaos at home and at work and try to be efficient in these messes disasters and unruly messy disorganized rude situations and people
give up their education and careers for the marriage husband family life
be a sex slave doormat and drop their panties at any time he wants it
put up with wild animals and people and never complain
put up with the boyfriend husband betraying cheating on them and NOT go out and have sex or a relationship with anyone else
be virginal appearing in public and a whore at home in private in bed
maintain calmness and sanity dealing with insane crazy people
be accountant bookkeeper financial planner nurse maid all for free without recognition of hard work and efforts
maintain a balance in chaotic home and work environment
look cute at all times
feign pretend to like the interests of husband and children and friends relatives anyone anywhere
give 1000% and get back 1% in return
put forth all their effort and time into relationships and their partner does not do the same
expected to smile at all times
sometimes shape of phallus like that in male. cucumber. banana. gourd. squash zucchini. asparagus
sometimes shape of round which might be feminine. apple peach pear canaloupe melon. lemon . orange. eggs. potato
sometimes creamy or soupy, like that of mothers milk or broth or colostrum similar to chicken broth
sometimes crunchy hard celery carrots chips popcorn
sometimes meat cuts either whole or ground
what determines the kinds of foods craved or the shapes of things attracted to?
husband and previous males were jerks
i quit thinking of lesbian because the thought of putting my mouth between another womans legs made me sick knowing the blood and mucus coming out of me
and the icky smells of myself
and i would rather have the rod thrust in me like its supposed to be so i can enjoy sex
and i prefer a male bigger than me and with solid muscles not soft padded flesh like women have
and i love bass..deep voice and sounds not high pitched
and i want meat not fruit when i am really hungry
i desire that which i am not
why do they buy bigger things
more expensive items cars houses buildings business real estate
??
Truth makes me cry. I must face it.
reality is history and the present
the future is the same as the past
I can wear all the make up, clothes, jewelry
and will never be beautiful
all the lingerie from anywhere like victoria's secret and all the famous make up brands like estee lauder, revlon, maybelline..any of them will not make me pretty
fashion designer clothes of any kind will not make me attractive
I am an ordinary plain looking undesirable female
Nothing can make me look good
Place in life I have
used as a piece of meat in place of the girl they really want and desire and love
placeholder, replacement, fill in
surrogate
doormat
slave, maid, cleaner
cinderella
plain jane ordinary
ground up meat
not important
used up dish rag
shunned, ignored, mocked, ridiculed, made fun of, teased, taunted
like its an iv in his veins constant addiction
adhd anxiety
cant maintain normal conversation
interrupts interjects is often wrong assumptions interpretations
not much grey
lots of body and facial hair
my eyebrows growing back in
used to have thick black eyebrows
they are coming back
eating shopping working sleeping
doesnt like things moved around
fixed thoughts beliefs opinions
i am the unwanted. the weird. the strange.
a deformed creature that should never have conceived
and born children
through hard work money or things
it is there from the beginning.... if it isn't, it isn't love
it cant be acquired
or learned
if you love you will always love
if you are loved you will always be loved from the start
if you arent loved from the git go you never will be
you are hated rejected ignored instantly
recognition is instant and instinctive
i cant grow to love something or someone i didnt like from the start
what i am doing thinking. saying.
this is focus
distractions interruptions block creativity and progress
Grandpa taught me letters of alphabet, reading, writing, desks, painting, swimming
books, information, learning, teaching, duty, work, yard work, clean up, exercise
along with grandma who enforced strong ethics, prayer/religion..she was christian and went to church evry sunday which I hated because I didn't understand it, the best of food, health and nutrition, going to the doctor, exercise, hand washing, honesty, open/frankness, cleaning the house, vacuuming everyday, laundry...no dirty clothes ever sat around she washed daily, cooking (she cooked and wouldn't let me but made me do the dishes..washing them in the sink first then had to put them into the dishwasher with the scalding ess hot water so hot it burnt my hands and hers..)
grandma said the same things over and over:
be careful of the company you keep. choose your friends carefully and wisely
you are what you eat
i am the best friend you will ever have. someday you will thank me for that
most people surface clean, i deep clean (move all furniture away from walls, clean baseboards, dust with damp cloth
he was a school teacher for 57 years
Greta Garbo said in movies. My grandfather/grandpa used to mock me and say I was just like Greta because I said this often....
November 15, 1991 last night I slept in the same house with him. Ed, my ex husband.
We lived on 108th Street. He had moved in to another house upon filing for a divorce. 7401 E 117th Place
Why?
I asked people questions and listened.
I was nice, kind, sweet, easy going. accepting.
helpful. willing to help people feel good.
gave neck and back and foot massages.
constantly reading and learning from things and people.
work. willing to work on just about anything even if the task didn't suit me.
Had many friends, acquaintances, associates from all walks of life.
Not religious but spiritual
Not political.
flexible. fun loving.
Understanding. People told and still tell me their deepest thoughts in confidence.
Patient
2012 january began going to food pantry supplied by harvesters at trinity independent baptist church. every wednesday evening at 7 pm. sat thru sermon for an hour. went every week til end of 2019. took my grandson a few times. also took him with me to 52nd raytown rd church where you walk thru lines to pick out your own food.
at age 16 i began my grocery shopping journey. quickly learned to watch what i bought closely. had to feed more than just myself.
a few dollars (3 to 5) can buy a dozen eggs, 5 pounds or 10 of white idaho raw potatoes, a pound of bacon,a loaf of bread.
or get chili fixins for 5 bucks. 1 can tomatoes 2 cans beans 1 lb hamburger or other ground meat 1 onion 1/2 pkg williams chili seasoning --its the best--or some cumin and garlic.
or whole raw chicken or package of fresh pork chops or a beef roast. pound of fresh carrots.
sales have been happening every week at grocery stores since before i started shopping. i wish i would have learned how to shop way before i turned 16. thru my effort and willingness to learn i have successfully managed to be able to make lincoln scream if i have to
today we have lots of food and i can cook it.
lotsandlots of food
basics: meat, fish, eggs. vegetables. dairy (milk, butter)
, fruit. pasta, cereal, bread (good but optional)
pick.
poison is a preference according to your taste.
and you get new buds every couple of weeks
28. two kids by 2 men.
be free. opportunities are boundless.
activities are self directed. single is more free than marriage lock down stuck with a dead rock
open.
life is full with choices made by yourself not him being a road block abuser a hole
shes got the best of both worlds.. everything.
wide open.
my aunt also never married . she didnt have kids had at least one abortion age 40. too bad. i would have had a cousin close to my age.
she had it made in the shade. lived on the plaza. dated rich men married doctors gave her lots of money took her out treated her right. she would not tolerate abuse or bad manners. she was a lady in every way .
if i were single i wouldn't date married men. i hate them. i wouldnt give them sex its a violation of my ethics but i would accompany them with an escort to be double damn sure they wouldnt ffkk me.
i could be the tagalong friend of husband wife couple who just has fun talking with them going places at my convenience.
anymore that might be twice a month. i am so tired alot and have erratic sleep and eating .
a little at a time. Takes much longer than needed due to him blocking stopping delaying fighting me almost every step of the way
I see solutions options fixes and am flexible open adaptable
aim of a dealer. control through addiction
get you hooked on something that makes you feel good in the beginning
then later use the addiction as a tool for controlling you
the drug feels real good at first then they with hold it to torture you watching you suffer . you go thru withdrawals . get nervous anxious the shakes ..craving desiring that
piece of sweet stuff the candy sugar alcohol love sex high euphoria
that makes you feel good
one day you suffer thru all the dts and finally realize you dont need the dealer
that sells or gives it free in the beginning
u dont need that quick fix drug or any fast acting high. u need steady reliabilty of natural joy. no artificial flavors colors. voices appearances. no fake faces bodies words pictures or media lies
no short term temporary hooks. just the long lasting slow good stuff with no side affects
about 3 years ago
then he obtained a concubine living in his house with her
that which is out of reach
far away. rare. unattainable.
the one who ignores them
the person who doesnt need them
the one who has qualities they wish they had
they wish to own and control the ones who have what they lack
people who seem superior smarter better competent
a person that dies or disappears
things or people that cost a lot of money
people of high status. place in life
Time wasters:
Food searching, prepping, cooking, washing, throwing away the trash food scraps and garbage. Organic food scraps and meat packages that stink to the high heavens if not done properly.
Dirty dishes, glasses, silverware, pots, pans. Constant mess.
He says "It's NO big deal" every time he grabs another glass, a bowl, plate or a piece of silverware that did not need to be DIRTIED.
I am the one wasting my time, energy, money, water, electricity, soap, cleanser dealing with this stuff every single day. It destroys my hands and fingernails, my skin looking worse by the minute. My nails split, peel, crack, break and my hands look terrible and old.
These men in my life : MLS, ECM, MCM, JWL do NOT deal with this shit.
They just want to eat FAST food, ready made, leave the mess, take off and go do what they want to do which is work on some project usually outside then sit around watching screens for hours upon hours on tv, computer, cell phone for the rest of the day. They watch stupid videos, news, some music they like, a bit of porn sex movies here and there when they feel the urge. They play games. One plays chess at any oppotunity. One plays video games. Another one likes things like monopoly and card games like poker, spades, hearts.
They accumulate crap in the house, on the property, in any available space like garages and sheds and often extend their storage areas into other people's properties. They store stuff all over and often use unmarked containers: cardboad boxes are a favorite thing to store crap in, that way other people don't know what is in the box. Some stash their porn away in hidden places, others leave it out in the open.
They do not take out the trash immediately. Instead letting the garbage pile up. they do not clean out the trash bins cans or recycle containers. Several use cover up sprays to try to fix the stinking smell of a rotten garbage can. Or they will buy all kinds of expensive fancy cleaners for specific things instead of doing basic cleaning out of all things with soap, cleanser, baking soda, vinegar, bleach and water.
They complain about the smell of a disinfectant spray, the smell of vinegar. One complains about certain food smells or things like hairspray I use rarely but can inhale gasoline fumes and sprays used for automotive work with no problems whatsoever.
Most will put their hands on everything and anything then touch and spread their germs and grease and dirt all over because they do not wash their hands as they should.
Door jams, cabinets, refrigerator handles, microwave doors and any area they touch are black. They are not conscious of what they touch and do not give one rats butt about it.
A few of them sneeze out in the open blowing their sputum and spit and spray all over the room.
One uses the same old black dirty filthy rag to wipe down anything and everything. He keeps black rags in the shower and the bathroom is absolutely filthy. The floor is covered with containers and other things he does not move and clean and does not clean the floor in the bathroom or the walls, the sinktop or the entire shower or the toilet.
Several scatter their junk and things all over the house, the yard and anywhere else.
Every one of them loves to look at cute, pretty, beautiful girls, young women.
One man who died 2 years ago never got married, never lived with a woman he had intimate relations with because no woman would put up with him. He was a complete mess, had a bad temper blowing up quickly over material things. He was a hoarder obsessed with collecting things. He prized his things and money more than anything else. He never had children thank goodness so his genes were not passed down neither his legacy. He was adopted and never knew who his real mother and father were. He paniched whenever he saw water anywhere to clean with. Water was seen as damaging because he tied it into electronics; televisions, stereo, amps, headphones, record players, tape decks which can easily be ruined by water. His house was never cleaned since his mother died in 1992. In 2021 he sliced the bottom of his left foot open on something, he claimed he stepped on a deli slicer and got perotinitis blood poisoning. He called me asking me to come over and get his crutches in the basement because he couldn't walk down the stairs. I ended up clearing out his house. He ended up in the er at St Lukes East then was transported to several hospitals, care facilites then finally at a nursing home in Independence, Missouri where he died on May 11, 2023.
Interesting because the man I live with is also panic stricken when he sees a drop of water on the floor, the countertop, behind the sink faucet, water sprayed onto the house especially the vents in the eaves of the house outside (soffit). He is also a money, material thing worshipper. Mammon is his god.
They also get mad at me for cooking "too much food at once" or feeding a cat or other animals "too much". They all eat little bits of food all day long which I do not do. They like to buy already made foods, drinks, spices, etcetera. Foods that are put into containers with measured portions. Individual serving sizes. (I hate doing that because it costs more money and is very unhealthy)
I had a dream when she, my daughter in law was 4 months preg. In the dream I was nursing a baby. A strong thrust feeling pushed forth I saw image of penis sword shaped phallus.
I had dreams during both my pregnancies when I was 4 months along. I saw each little boy playing. I told people and several said you dont know that I think you will have a girl or it might be a girl you dont know.
I did know.
hear every song
read every book
it began when I was a little girl
age 9 or so
I used to check out the maximum number of books allowed at a time at the library libraries: 21 books.
I never was able to read all 21 books in a month however I tried.
I would read while I was at work at some jobs during dead spells with no customers then continue reading the books at home
I watched many tv shows and movies daily when I was a little girl a teen a woman
I played the radio jumping from one station to the other as I still do and played tapes. vinyl records cds, vhs tapes, dvds.
is there a beginning?
how is it that sensed material things
came were born out of the nothing the void empty space
dream it. feel it. know beforehand
see. clairvoyant.
Are these real or are they fake?
coincidences
deja vu, psychic phenomena, mind reading
intuitive pick ups flashes insights feelings inspirations
ghosts telekinesis
reincarnation past lives spirit
living more than once in different bodies
dreams
instincts
urges compulsions obsessions fixations
reality
normal
manifestations
transportations of matter the all by disintegration reformation appearances being in more than one place plane at a time
levels of existence planes realms dimensions of 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 to infinity
infinity itself
a beginning. an end.
creation of anything by humans..didnt it already exist prior to the human creating it
time. time realms.
god. one god. many gods.
spirits saints devils
poltergeists
occult. tarot. palm reading. mediums. astrology.
purpose
radio waves signals
xray gamma cosmic uv ultraviolet
parallel universe world or plural worlds
doppelganger
Things we are forced to do
go to school
follow government rules and laws
get a job or
be self employed or
be a criminal and not work
obligations
register to vote
Partner chosen in life is most important of all. This person and all of their family, friends and associates will influence all aspects of your life and determine your state.
and the child will leave mother and father and cling to a new woman or man
someone just like mother or father. an unconscious direction due to familiarity the training they received in childhood, modelling the parents or caregivers
Dad said he would have focused on one thing if he had to do it all over again. He was around 70 when he told me that.
jerry stillwell was at two rivers psychiatric hospital, western mo mental health, a hospital facility on troost close to 89th street
i went to meeting at two rivers while jerry was a resident. they passed out meds on trays to all patients while talking about drug and alcohol abuse in each session, the same things talked about at an aa meeting i attended with my brother Darryl Wayne Wilson.
At the end of the aa meeting they passed around a bowl asking for donations. Each person had to tell a true story about what happened to them when they were intoxicated inebriated under the influence.
just like in the nursing homes i visited
aunt ruth, john layson
sherry gloyn my sister in law and my ex husband ed was in western missouri mental health. they passed out meds
damon
cries easily
avoids dislikes hates combat contact sports
focus on vacuums pipes hoses airplanes blenders spinning things
nice not mean at all
caterpillar first time he saw one was careful not to step on
2 girls all over him at park he didnt move didnt want to hurt them
loves cats animals
sensitive
doesnt understand meannness
kind hearted
gave dollar to kid at dennys because he wanted to play the grab a toy machine
at age 3 talking to me about being pushed and shoved down because that is what
dad does to him and he doesnt understand it
avoids conflict
focuses on what he likes
his friends have punched him been abusive
he doesnt fight back
doesnt have to hurt others to prove his worth
not competitvie against others
peaceful
Update. Chronic problem with kidney stones. Pains in back. Many falls, spinal injuries, head traumas. Inflammation, swelling in the body. Feet are flat with broken arches and needs surgery to fix it.
Consuming lots of foods with too much sodium, sugar, artificial ingredients. Unable to process water properly. Dark urine. Fluid retention. Overheats easily.
Physical, emotional, chemical issues causing severe emotional outbursts.
He sees the doctor tomorrow (finally) and this is the beginning of (hopefully) solving many of these major health problems he has.
The severe upbringing he endured cannot be changed or undone so it is a lifelong process of relearning how to think, do, feel, work.
one major life lesson I have learned.
and they always remember THAT girl ..the way she looked when he first saw her and where she was
my friend rick c. told me a few years ago that he will ask these questions when he sees a woman he thinks is good looking:
1. Is she available? 2. Is she married?
the only 2 questions he asks himself in his mind
one neighbor saw me walking and jumped out of his vehicle ran down to me and insisted on giving me a huge bear hug.
an old man i met walking at a park told me he loved me the first time he saw me. he called me begging me to come over. had a ton of lawn mowers in his yard. i stopped by briefly talked to him he gave me a very huge bear hug then i left asap.
the male unconsciously seeks the warmth companioship of an attractive woman and the longer he goes without the stronger the urge gets
seeking the young pretty girl female woman:
tony is after a 21 year old. he is 59
gary is after the 28 year old who lives in russia. he is 67
ed is seeking someone off os plentyofish .he is porn obsessed, alone for many years and has a nude phot of a bruntett woman who looks to be 25 .some pic off a porn site
don across the street: married for along time making passes at me and said it's always nice to see a pretty woman in a dress, do you have anything on under that dress? said to me i was outside at home then he came right over tald to husband after he made passes at me. his wife was in the front yard across the street and i went over and sd hi to her. she smiled had no idea what her husband had said or was doing and it wasnt the first time he talked to me that way. he invited me for lunch at his old shop used to be off grandview rd. i did not go
clayton is banging a 28 yr old concubine who comes over and stays at his house while the wife is at work and after she comes home to sleep before going back to work
rick scours the internet off facebook and anywhere he goes in person looking for available women virtually any place he goes
as if I am a child, as if he is a father which he has never been a father to any child or anyone.
He is the youngest of 10 children, 7 of which are dead.
He owes me and can never repay or undo all of the horrible things he has said and done
He constantly expects me to prove myself worthy
It should be the other way around
He is supposed to be a man who loves a woman, which he does not and never did
A man who loves a woman breaks his balls to please her and would never say or do anything to hurt her or make her cry, cause her to get angry and upset over anything
I am the one who is supposed to wear clothes that make me look sexy. Clothes he has never bought for me..ever
I am supposed to buy lube which he has never bought
I am supposed to cook food he wants and he has never cooked anything for me that I like only
He would never buy a food or any item that is for me only
He will not and has not and would never do any activity with me that I like
neigbors, friends, family, anyone and everyone but me
he acts calm, nice, polite, easy going
where he went I do not know
assume he walked at cave springs and possibly went to aldis or dollar tree
almost 3 hours gone and when I take off running errands going to community center or walking he times me says you've been gone a long time
I had a wondeful time.
all he did is bitch and complain about how much it costs and said it wasn't worth it
ricky my son came over tonight
he is totally nice to him talking in the living room
direct opposite of the way he treats me
he gives him food, things, works on his truck. shares movies videos he likes with him. acts calm mild mannered like a clark kent.
acts as if he is wise, caring, full of advice, worldy,
takes him to his family places
junkyards
he/she views any bare skin as provoking
refers to items using terms words that speak of certain specific body parts
sees an item object makes comments about using it for the act. might be furniture cars rooms places
secretly collects pictures videos books of the act. hides these items from spouse partner wife husband ..if wife finds them he keeps the items and hides them somewhere else refusing to disclose where they are.
even makes lewd comments about babies infants seeing them as suckers
frequently often lives in clutter dirt filth piles of collections of many things and does not see a problem with it or things like bugs cobwebs
deep cleaning is foreign to their nature
yells screams when things are moved around
has real problem with organization record keeping
puts things where they dont belong
and I have learned over the years she is right. Again...
I have spent almost all of my birthdays alone for many years
my 50th birthday I was with my grandpa in Belton, Missouri
he took me to a bar where he played poker, one of the games he liked to play
it was someone else's bday party and it happened to be mine, too
I played some poker games and was doing quite well with luck then a very large obese
black man won the last game and took all of my chips
another birthday without my husband
this was 15 years ago July 7, 2011
the summer after I was forced to go cold turkey off cigarettes begininning December 2010 when the transmission went out in my van and I was stuck at home for 8 months with him
my last bday age 64 I spent at hyvee urgent care with bug bites all over me. I didn't spend any time with him. we did nothing. no celebration, no dinner, nothing
he needs to go
for how long, I don't know
no sugar, caffeine, junk food, constant attention on media ; radio, news, links to the outside world
