health issues
mood swings
Friday, December 5, 2025
Deception. We learn when young and all do this
Survival tactics of deception:
Learn to hide things, not reveal feelings or information, make up untrue stories.
Divert someone's attention to something else when they are talking or doing something.
Cover up
Do things in secret
Fear of reprimand, punishment, being caught, stopped, hurt, abandoned, killed, injured, deprived, starved, pain
Desire to be autonomous and do and get what you want without anyone in your way
Thursday, December 4, 2025
Why does he do these things?
Why does he do these things?
mismatched bedding linens blankets sheets towels. says does not bother him i say looks like a hobo trashy person
little bottles of shampoo conditioner cleaners very old packages in the shower in his bathroom and keeps for years
hangs onto old expired pills vitamins medicines ointments creams food paint cleaners solvents parts for cars any devices
dirty old black rags in the shower he uses for everything
various little rugs and large rolled up filthy area rugs rolled up in the stairwell
100s 1000s of things filling up the garage many in cardboard boxes so only he knows what is in them
electronics stereos amps speakers stacked up on racks in the garage stuff he doesnt use
wears hoodies pullover tops with stuff written on them which can be controversial when wearing in public; stuff like marines, infowars, donald trump, alcatraz
bumper stickers on his car and truck political messages, very controversial someone might see them and shoot him because of it
yard signs with political messages
small containers of crap in the refrigerator. bits of liquids food drinks sauces food that get shoved in the back and do nothing but take up space making it diffficult to maneuver and get food out of the fridge
packing up the main hallways with crap old junk newspapers vhs tapes etcetera
trinkets of junk in his bedroom. things he found got inherited saved from miscellaneous various places like people's house, the park he visits to take walks
makes sure i leave none of my stuff in his room, the living room, the garage, any room but my own or his car...why? he doesnt want anyone else to see any of my stuff in his vehicle or rooms in the house?
gets phone calls and texts from people in private. gets on the phone talking to people outside or in his room or in the garage without me knowing it. the neighbors, my own two sons call and text him often which i sometimes find out later
uses earbuds headphones sits in recliner on laptop for hours watching x22 report alex jones conspiracy theory news, checks weather constantly, scrolls thru his cellphone looking at what i dont know
watches every move i make when i am at home or when we are out together monitoring who i talk to anywhere i am
doesn't want me talking to people in his presence, dominates conversation with anyone around. this is everyone, friends neighbors, family members, my one friend who lives in vancouver washington that i only talk to rarely on the phone
anytime i meet a new person before i introduce him to them he accuses me of having something to do with them
sighs in disgust often. disgusted at many things. list is endless
monitors everything i do
Wednesday, December 3, 2025
Tuesday, December 2, 2025
Anyone living with jekyll and hyde..
must have company, a third party around for safety.
when isolated with mr public jekyll he/ she turns into mr/mrs hyde in a split second
as soon as another person enters the scene hyde turns on the jekyll instantly
as soon as the phone rings hyde snaps out of it and turns on the charm
in isolation i have the misfortune of being around hyde all the time
so i hide in my bedroom and bathroom
or leave when i get the chance
the world out there is completely different
Damaged animals
Should death be forced upon, encouraged, aided for the animal damaged beyond repair?
When the being is so screwed up mentally or physically should it go on living and breathing?
Should it be forced to live in a state where it cannot care for itself much less anyone else?
Why are we so against death mercy killing suicide murder?
I wanted to live fully and wholly with a functioning body. I did not want to be a crippled retarded freak that cant defend itself or support itself.
What determines what individual is attracted to?
I have been drawn to thousands of things since birth
From a to z. If there was no alphabet or language the things would be everything. All without names. Just impressions.
Cycles, eras of intrigue. Patterns of interest.
I used to hide candy in dresser as a child
in my bedroom dresser drawer i would hide candy so grandma wouldnt see it. my diary i started when i was 10 or so was in there too and i was always careful about what i wrote as i thought she would read it and she probably did read it and she probably found my candy too. i know she read my mail the letters i got from people ..she took some and destroyed or hid them. letters from my mom. my girlfriends. a guy i met the night i ran off when i was 15 because i wanted to die from living in that house
i was waiting until i got out of that house before i wrote the truth about her ...the way she was .... a real jekyll and hide female woman
now i hide lots of things in my dressers bedroom and bathroom drawers shelves closet
including lots of food not much candy just dark chocolate and peppermints. i have canned goods cereal nuts popcorn beef sticks coffee tea honey hot chocolate mix in my closet my drawers the shelves inside bathroom
important papers birth certificates licenses social security journals
any possible thing lying around in plain sight is not safe there or here. in fact its not good to leave things out at anyones house or in my vehicle. dont leave stuff lying around in the kitchen living room bedroom outside or anywhere else
tidy is the word
When did he start acting so belligerent hateful rude to me?
november 13, 2003 . first time he shoved me knocked me down. he came home looked at drapes in my bedroom got mad said i tear everything up then shoved me knocked me down on my ass onto the floor. i got up looked him in the eye and i did nothing to defend myself. same thing i always do. he had come home that sunday evening after going to a wake.funeral from the next door neighbor tim nolan who had died. i had just came home from working at super flea and was sitting at my computer working on stuff.
before that probably in late 90s one time i was sitting on his bed in his room he got back and faux strangled me
another time in late 90s or so he got mad over something trivial i went to my room shut the door not long afterwards he raced down the stairs and kicked my door in breaking wood in the frame by the doorknob where it locks
he always used the threats that i go live somewhere else like at my dads, moms, sons, john laysons house, my ex husbands when he gets irate. i cant pinpoint the exact events he was mad about at these times he threatened that i go live somewhere else.
whenever i have been over at someones house he seems to think is too long he comments what are you going to do move in with so and so?
he cant stand it if i visit at a neighbors house even my friend wendy or debra/debbie. after an hour or so he jumps the fence go to their front door comes in to see what i am doing which is nothing but visiting and talking like i do with hundreds of people
My friend said I was cultured not calculating
he said i am intelligent full of good information and not a cold calculating type of person
what a wonderful compliment!
things i never hear from the spouse husband
They focus on these things
breath smell. white teeth. skinny girls. money.
criticizing people and partner to death
avoiding deep cleaning of own stuff
public image. body. clothes. hair. their teeth.
imperfections on the face: pimples, scars. spots, black marks, zits, off center lips, big nose, hairs on face or out of nose
my voice and word choice, tendency to mock imitate me
entertainment media tv internet cell phone radio magazines books
clothes i am wearing. how much skin i show
lips. lipstick. eyes. makeup. mascara eye shadow. hair color length is it combed kept up.
INVENTIONS IDEAS OF MINE
INVENTIONS IDEAS OF MINE
bottle bag in summer 1991
mop slippers
handle stay grip, stay put for brooms, rakes, vacuum handles so you can put it up against wall without it falling over onto the floor
attach to any handle
hair clip, hand shaped for good grip. makes hair high up. looks good
Monday, December 1, 2025
Why people call
1. some call to talk.
2. some only call when they want something from you like work or material things or physical body rub
3. some will call for both reasons
#2 types only give me full atttention during the work or "rub" process. they do not like to carry on conversations on the phone or in person unless the entire conversation is about them. once they complete the job or subject they are done. they get to point.cut me off when i am talking, interrupt snd change subject often figuratively throw me out of bed when finished with me. they dislike exploring many subjects and having discussions
#1 and 2 types are rare
in my life i primarily experience type 2s
they are in a rush to get what they want =³³³³
Murder by insanity gaslighting. Is it 3rd degree?
what is it called when a person undergoes long periods of suffering at the hands of s crazy person and their health suffers so bad they end up dying but the tortuter murderer did not use physical means but used mental cruelty to kill the victim
he
is hyde
must have constant noise
many things
multiple projects
constant activity
control of area people animals things weather
visual stimulus often
is jekyll in public
is unsecure. fear based
conjures fallacies and reasons
has many faces personalities
hates his own reflection
intolerant of mistakes of self and others
hides lots of things
tells me things and people he hates wont tell them to their face
predicts negative outcomes often
sees the dark side
doesnt want strangers public to think bad about him the way he thinks bad of others
ultra sensitive to any stimuli
believes in ufos aliens
seems unaware of effect he has on me not taking responsibility for his words and actions then blaming me for it saying i did something when i didnt
views world as battleground of war
impulsive anxious shaky jumpy nervous
cant stand silence or meditation self reflection
trouble remembering dreams
awakens wakes up quickly
fmo fear of missing out
sympathetic at times zero empathy other times
feeling sorry for something like the weather was bad but not for what he said or did
cant sit still when eating at the table
eats meals and snacks in recliner often
uses single serving alcohol bottles rum whiskey any kind
saves little packets of condiments
makes sure none of my stuff is left in his car truck bedroom any room but mine
likely has sides and life i dont know about
has never forced sex upon me
allows me to sleep as long as i am in a bedroom
i dont think he snoops thru my stuff
doesnt want strange men or males in the house females are okay
doesnt want me to tour the house
doesnt want me alone with anyone in house
insists he be in house if anyone else is here
misinterprets my face mood words motives actions often
denies i have intelligence am smart am nice people like me that i have talents can go to school
Saturday, November 29, 2025
Tvs all over in every room..dream I had many years ago
before I began working at super flea in the music shop back in 2000
Why are women females girl expected to
look good at all times
be pleasant and nice at all times
go along with other people comply with their wishes
give up their own interests and take on other peoples like and dislikes
be a chameleon
endure pain and misery and never complain
put up with verbal and physical abuse and not say a word
forgive continually
forget and not bring up the past
be 100% obedient
be tolerant of anything
pretend like they like things they don't
be agreeable, patient, kind
be the little maid, slave, cook, laundress, errand runner, shit cleaner, caretake, child raiser and act like they like it
endure put up with chaos at home and at work and try to be efficient in these messes disasters and unruly messy disorganized rude situations and people
give up their education and careers for the marriage husband family life
be a sex slave doormat and drop their panties at any time he wants it
put up with wild animals and people and never complain
put up with the boyfriend husband betraying cheating on them and NOT go out and have sex or a relationship with anyone else
be virginal appearing in public and a whore at home in private in bed
maintain calmness and sanity dealing with insane crazy people
be accountant bookkeeper financial planner nurse maid all for free without recognition of hard work and efforts
maintain a balance in chaotic home and work environment
look cute at all times
feign pretend to like the interests of husband and children and friends relatives anyone anywhere
give 1000% and get back 1% in return
put forth all their effort and time into relationships and their partner does not do the same
expected to smile at all times
Shape of food i crave
sometimes shape of phallus like that in male. cucumber. banana. gourd. squash zucchini. asparagus
sometimes shape of round which might be feminine. apple peach pear canaloupe melon. lemon . orange. eggs. potato
sometimes creamy or soupy, like that of mothers milk or broth or colostrum similar to chicken broth
sometimes crunchy hard celery carrots chips popcorn
sometimes meat cuts either whole or ground
what determines the kinds of foods craved or the shapes of things attracted to?
Why did I contemplate being lesbian when I was 22
husband and previous males were jerks
i quit thinking of lesbian because the thought of putting my mouth between another womans legs made me sick knowing the blood and mucus coming out of me
and the icky smells of myself
and i would rather have the rod thrust in me like its supposed to be so i can enjoy sex
and i prefer a male bigger than me and with solid muscles not soft padded flesh like women have
and i love bass..deep voice and sounds not high pitched
and i want meat not fruit when i am really hungry
i desire that which i am not
Friday, November 28, 2025
Why do men/males want to be bigger and have bigger? Why do females/women want to be smaller, skinnier?
why do they buy bigger things
more expensive items cars houses buildings business real estate
??
Thursday, November 27, 2025
Truth makes me cry. I must face it.
Truth makes me cry. I must face it.
reality is history and the present
the future is the same as the past
I can wear all the make up, clothes, jewelry and am still ugly as sin mud fence
I can wear all the make up, clothes, jewelry
and will never be beautiful
all the lingerie from anywhere like victoria's secret and all the famous make up brands like estee lauder, revlon, maybelline..any of them will not make me pretty
fashion designer clothes of any kind will not make me attractive
I am an ordinary plain looking undesirable female
Nothing can make me look good
Place in life I have
Place in life I have
used as a piece of meat in place of the girl they really want and desire and love
placeholder, replacement, fill in
surrogate
doormat
slave, maid, cleaner
cinderella
plain jane ordinary
ground up meat
not important
used up dish rag
shunned, ignored, mocked, ridiculed, made fun of, teased, taunted
Tuesday, November 25, 2025
he listens to crap constantly
like its an iv in his veins constant addiction
adhd anxiety
cant maintain normal conversation
interrupts interjects is often wrong assumptions interpretations
hair on me
not much grey
lots of body and facial hair
my eyebrows growing back in
used to have thick black eyebrows
they are coming back
fixed habits
eating shopping working sleeping
doesnt like things moved around
fixed thoughts beliefs opinions
I am a reject
i am the unwanted. the weird. the strange.
a deformed creature that should never have conceived
and born children
Love cant be earned
through hard work money or things
it is there from the beginning.... if it isn't, it isn't love
it cant be acquired
or learned
if you love you will always love
if you are loved you will always be loved from the start
if you arent loved from the git go you never will be
you are hated rejected ignored instantly
recognition is instant and instinctive
i cant grow to love something or someone i didnt like from the start
Saturday, November 22, 2025
Friday, November 21, 2025
Dont want to stop
what i am doing thinking. saying.
this is focus
distractions interruptions block creativity and progress
Wednesday, November 19, 2025
Learned from Grandpa and Grandma when I was a child
Grandpa taught me letters of alphabet, reading, writing, desks, painting, swimming
books, information, learning, teaching, duty, work, yard work, clean up, exercise
along with grandma who enforced strong ethics, prayer/religion..she was christian and went to church evry sunday which I hated because I didn't understand it, the best of food, health and nutrition, going to the doctor, exercise, hand washing, honesty, open/frankness, cleaning the house, vacuuming everyday, laundry...no dirty clothes ever sat around she washed daily, cooking (she cooked and wouldn't let me but made me do the dishes..washing them in the sink first then had to put them into the dishwasher with the scalding ess hot water so hot it burnt my hands and hers..)
grandma said the same things over and over:
be careful of the company you keep. choose your friends carefully and wisely
you are what you eat
i am the best friend you will ever have. someday you will thank me for that
most people surface clean, i deep clean (move all furniture away from walls, clean baseboards, dust with damp cloth
he was a school teacher for 57 years
I "Vant" to be Alone.. I want to be left alone...
Greta Garbo said in movies. My grandfather/grandpa used to mock me and say I was just like Greta because I said this often....
Tuesday, November 18, 2025
January of 1991 to February 4, 1992
November 15, 1991 last night I slept in the same house with him. Ed, my ex husband.
We lived on 108th Street. He had moved in to another house upon filing for a divorce. 7401 E 117th Place
Monday, November 17, 2025
1991 he said "Everybody likes you"
Why?
I asked people questions and listened.
I was nice, kind, sweet, easy going. accepting.
helpful. willing to help people feel good.
gave neck and back and foot massages.
constantly reading and learning from things and people.
work. willing to work on just about anything even if the task didn't suit me.
Had many friends, acquaintances, associates from all walks of life.
Not religious but spiritual
Not political.
flexible. fun loving.
Understanding. People told and still tell me their deepest thoughts in confidence.
Patient
I buy necessities on sale and go to food pantries
2012 january began going to food pantry supplied by harvesters at trinity independent baptist church. every wednesday evening at 7 pm. sat thru sermon for an hour. went every week til end of 2019. took my grandson a few times. also took him with me to 52nd raytown rd church where you walk thru lines to pick out your own food.
at age 16 i began my grocery shopping journey. quickly learned to watch what i bought closely. had to feed more than just myself.
a few dollars (3 to 5) can buy a dozen eggs, 5 pounds or 10 of white idaho raw potatoes, a pound of bacon,a loaf of bread.
or get chili fixins for 5 bucks. 1 can tomatoes 2 cans beans 1 lb hamburger or other ground meat 1 onion 1/2 pkg williams chili seasoning --its the best--or some cumin and garlic.
or whole raw chicken or package of fresh pork chops or a beef roast. pound of fresh carrots.
sales have been happening every week at grocery stores since before i started shopping. i wish i would have learned how to shop way before i turned 16. thru my effort and willingness to learn i have successfully managed to be able to make lincoln scream if i have to
today we have lots of food and i can cook it.
lotsandlots of food
basics: meat, fish, eggs. vegetables. dairy (milk, butter)
, fruit. pasta, cereal, bread (good but optional)
Sweet sour salty bitter hot spicy
pick.
poison is a preference according to your taste.
and you get new buds every couple of weeks
Sunday, November 16, 2025
She has the right idea. Dont get married
28. two kids by 2 men.
be free. opportunities are boundless.
activities are self directed. single is more free than marriage lock down stuck with a dead rock
open.
life is full with choices made by yourself not him being a road block abuser a hole
shes got the best of both worlds.. everything.
wide open.
my aunt also never married . she didnt have kids had at least one abortion age 40. too bad. i would have had a cousin close to my age.
she had it made in the shade. lived on the plaza. dated rich men married doctors gave her lots of money took her out treated her right. she would not tolerate abuse or bad manners. she was a lady in every way .
if i were single i wouldn't date married men. i hate them. i wouldnt give them sex its a violation of my ethics but i would accompany them with an escort to be double damn sure they wouldnt ffkk me.
i could be the tagalong friend of husband wife couple who just has fun talking with them going places at my convenience.
anymore that might be twice a month. i am so tired alot and have erratic sleep and eating .
Making this house livable
a little at a time. Takes much longer than needed due to him blocking stopping delaying fighting me almost every step of the way
I see solutions options fixes and am flexible open adaptable
Hooked
aim of a dealer. control through addiction
get you hooked on something that makes you feel good in the beginning
then later use the addiction as a tool for controlling you
the drug feels real good at first then they with hold it to torture you watching you suffer . you go thru withdrawals . get nervous anxious the shakes ..craving desiring that
piece of sweet stuff the candy sugar alcohol love sex high euphoria
that makes you feel good
one day you suffer thru all the dts and finally realize you dont need the dealer
that sells or gives it free in the beginning
u dont need that quick fix drug or any fast acting high. u need steady reliabilty of natural joy. no artificial flavors colors. voices appearances. no fake faces bodies words pictures or media lies
no short term temporary hooks. just the long lasting slow good stuff with no side affects
He said she was perfect. He would never leave her
about 3 years ago
then he obtained a concubine living in his house with her
Value. What some value most
that which is out of reach
far away. rare. unattainable.
the one who ignores them
the person who doesnt need them
the one who has qualities they wish they had
they wish to own and control the ones who have what they lack
people who seem superior smarter better competent
a person that dies or disappears
things or people that cost a lot of money
people of high status. place in life
Hours daily dealing with food, dish washing, messes made by them. HUGE time waster
Time wasters:
Food searching, prepping, cooking, washing, throwing away the trash food scraps and garbage. Organic food scraps and meat packages that stink to the high heavens if not done properly.
Dirty dishes, glasses, silverware, pots, pans. Constant mess.
He says "It's NO big deal" every time he grabs another glass, a bowl, plate or a piece of silverware that did not need to be DIRTIED.
I am the one wasting my time, energy, money, water, electricity, soap, cleanser dealing with this stuff every single day. It destroys my hands and fingernails, my skin looking worse by the minute. My nails split, peel, crack, break and my hands look terrible and old.
These men in my life : MLS, ECM, MCM, JWL do NOT deal with this shit.
They just want to eat FAST food, ready made, leave the mess, take off and go do what they want to do which is work on some project usually outside then sit around watching screens for hours upon hours on tv, computer, cell phone for the rest of the day. They watch stupid videos, news, some music they like, a bit of porn sex movies here and there when they feel the urge. They play games. One plays chess at any oppotunity. One plays video games. Another one likes things like monopoly and card games like poker, spades, hearts.
They accumulate crap in the house, on the property, in any available space like garages and sheds and often extend their storage areas into other people's properties. They store stuff all over and often use unmarked containers: cardboad boxes are a favorite thing to store crap in, that way other people don't know what is in the box. Some stash their porn away in hidden places, others leave it out in the open.
They do not take out the trash immediately. Instead letting the garbage pile up. they do not clean out the trash bins cans or recycle containers. Several use cover up sprays to try to fix the stinking smell of a rotten garbage can. Or they will buy all kinds of expensive fancy cleaners for specific things instead of doing basic cleaning out of all things with soap, cleanser, baking soda, vinegar, bleach and water.
They complain about the smell of a disinfectant spray, the smell of vinegar. One complains about certain food smells or things like hairspray I use rarely but can inhale gasoline fumes and sprays used for automotive work with no problems whatsoever.
Most will put their hands on everything and anything then touch and spread their germs and grease and dirt all over because they do not wash their hands as they should.
Door jams, cabinets, refrigerator handles, microwave doors and any area they touch are black. They are not conscious of what they touch and do not give one rats butt about it.
A few of them sneeze out in the open blowing their sputum and spit and spray all over the room.
One uses the same old black dirty filthy rag to wipe down anything and everything. He keeps black rags in the shower and the bathroom is absolutely filthy. The floor is covered with containers and other things he does not move and clean and does not clean the floor in the bathroom or the walls, the sinktop or the entire shower or the toilet.
Several scatter their junk and things all over the house, the yard and anywhere else.
Every one of them loves to look at cute, pretty, beautiful girls, young women.
One man who died 2 years ago never got married, never lived with a woman he had intimate relations with because no woman would put up with him. He was a complete mess, had a bad temper blowing up quickly over material things. He was a hoarder obsessed with collecting things. He prized his things and money more than anything else. He never had children thank goodness so his genes were not passed down neither his legacy. He was adopted and never knew who his real mother and father were. He paniched whenever he saw water anywhere to clean with. Water was seen as damaging because he tied it into electronics; televisions, stereo, amps, headphones, record players, tape decks which can easily be ruined by water. His house was never cleaned since his mother died in 1992. In 2021 he sliced the bottom of his left foot open on something, he claimed he stepped on a deli slicer and got perotinitis blood poisoning. He called me asking me to come over and get his crutches in the basement because he couldn't walk down the stairs. I ended up clearing out his house. He ended up in the er at St Lukes East then was transported to several hospitals, care facilites then finally at a nursing home in Independence, Missouri where he died on May 11, 2023.
Interesting because the man I live with is also panic stricken when he sees a drop of water on the floor, the countertop, behind the sink faucet, water sprayed onto the house especially the vents in the eaves of the house outside (soffit). He is also a money, material thing worshipper. Mammon is his god.
They also get mad at me for cooking "too much food at once" or feeding a cat or other animals "too much". They all eat little bits of food all day long which I do not do. They like to buy already made foods, drinks, spices, etcetera. Foods that are put into containers with measured portions. Individual serving sizes. (I hate doing that because it costs more money and is very unhealthy)
Saturday, November 15, 2025
I knew my grandson sons were boys while pregnant
I had a dream when she, my daughter in law was 4 months preg. In the dream I was nursing a baby. A strong thrust feeling pushed forth I saw image of penis sword shaped phallus.
I had dreams during both my pregnancies when I was 4 months along. I saw each little boy playing. I told people and several said you dont know that I think you will have a girl or it might be a girl you dont know.
I did know.
Why did I want to watch every tv show
hear every song
read every book
it began when I was a little girl
age 9 or so
I used to check out the maximum number of books allowed at a time at the library libraries: 21 books.
I never was able to read all 21 books in a month however I tried.
I would read while I was at work at some jobs during dead spells with no customers then continue reading the books at home
I watched many tv shows and movies daily when I was a little girl a teen a woman
I played the radio jumping from one station to the other as I still do and played tapes. vinyl records cds, vhs tapes, dvds.
what is origin of the all
is there a beginning?
how is it that sensed material things
came were born out of the nothing the void empty space
How is it that i say think write it and it appears happens?
dream it. feel it. know beforehand
see. clairvoyant.
Real or fake?
Are these real or are they fake?
coincidences
deja vu, psychic phenomena, mind reading
intuitive pick ups flashes insights feelings inspirations
ghosts telekinesis
reincarnation past lives spirit
living more than once in different bodies
dreams
instincts
urges compulsions obsessions fixations
reality
normal
manifestations
transportations of matter the all by disintegration reformation appearances being in more than one place plane at a time
levels of existence planes realms dimensions of 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 to infinity
infinity itself
a beginning. an end.
creation of anything by humans..didnt it already exist prior to the human creating it
time. time realms.
god. one god. many gods.
spirits saints devils
poltergeists
occult. tarot. palm reading. mediums. astrology.
purpose
radio waves signals
xray gamma cosmic uv ultraviolet
parallel universe world or plural worlds
doppelganger
Friday, November 14, 2025
Thursday, November 13, 2025
Things we are forced to do
Things we are forced to do
go to school
follow government rules and laws
get a job or
be self employed or
be a criminal and not work
obligations
register to vote
Partner chosen in life is most important of all
Partner chosen in life is most important of all. This person and all of their family, friends and associates will influence all aspects of your life and determine your state.
Child will leave mother father seek someone like them
and the child will leave mother and father and cling to a new woman or man
someone just like mother or father. an unconscious direction due to familiarity the training they received in childhood, modelling the parents or caregivers
Dad: Focus on one thing
Dad said he would have focused on one thing if he had to do it all over again. He was around 70 when he told me that.
Hospitals, nursing homes, care facilities
jerry stillwell was at two rivers psychiatric hospital, western mo mental health, a hospital facility on troost close to 89th street
i went to meeting at two rivers while jerry was a resident. they passed out meds on trays to all patients while talking about drug and alcohol abuse in each session, the same things talked about at an aa meeting i attended with my brother Darryl Wayne Wilson.
At the end of the aa meeting they passed around a bowl asking for donations. Each person had to tell a true story about what happened to them when they were intoxicated inebriated under the influence.
just like in the nursing homes i visited
aunt ruth, john layson
sherry gloyn my sister in law and my ex husband ed was in western missouri mental health. they passed out meds
Damon
damon
cries easily
avoids dislikes hates combat contact sports
focus on vacuums pipes hoses airplanes blenders spinning things
nice not mean at all
caterpillar first time he saw one was careful not to step on
2 girls all over him at park he didnt move didnt want to hurt them
loves cats animals
sensitive
doesnt understand meannness
kind hearted
gave dollar to kid at dennys because he wanted to play the grab a toy machine
at age 3 talking to me about being pushed and shoved down because that is what
dad does to him and he doesnt understand it
avoids conflict
focuses on what he likes
his friends have punched him been abusive
he doesnt fight back
doesnt have to hurt others to prove his worth
not competitvie against others
peaceful
Tuesday, November 11, 2025
Physical ailments have contributed to his words and actions
Update. Chronic problem with kidney stones. Pains in back. Many falls, spinal injuries, head traumas. Inflammation, swelling in the body. Feet are flat with broken arches and needs surgery to fix it.
Consuming lots of foods with too much sodium, sugar, artificial ingredients. Unable to process water properly. Dark urine. Fluid retention. Overheats easily.
Physical, emotional, chemical issues causing severe emotional outbursts.
He sees the doctor tomorrow (finally) and this is the beginning of (hopefully) solving many of these major health problems he has.
The severe upbringing he endured cannot be changed or undone so it is a lifelong process of relearning how to think, do, feel, work.
Male has instant attraction to attractive female
one major life lesson I have learned.
and they always remember THAT girl ..the way she looked when he first saw her and where she was
my friend rick c. told me a few years ago that he will ask these questions when he sees a woman he thinks is good looking:
1. Is she available? 2. Is she married?
the only 2 questions he asks himself in his mind
one neighbor saw me walking and jumped out of his vehicle ran down to me and insisted on giving me a huge bear hug.
an old man i met walking at a park told me he loved me the first time he saw me. he called me begging me to come over. had a ton of lawn mowers in his yard. i stopped by briefly talked to him he gave me a very huge bear hug then i left asap.
the male unconsciously seeks the warmth companioship of an attractive woman and the longer he goes without the stronger the urge gets
seeking the young pretty girl female woman:
tony is after a 21 year old. he is 59
gary is after the 28 year old who lives in russia. he is 67
ed is seeking someone off os plentyofish .he is porn obsessed, alone for many years and has a nude phot of a bruntett woman who looks to be 25 .some pic off a porn site
don across the street: married for along time making passes at me and said it's always nice to see a pretty woman in a dress, do you have anything on under that dress? said to me i was outside at home then he came right over tald to husband after he made passes at me. his wife was in the front yard across the street and i went over and sd hi to her. she smiled had no idea what her husband had said or was doing and it wasnt the first time he talked to me that way. he invited me for lunch at his old shop used to be off grandview rd. i did not go
clayton is banging a 28 yr old concubine who comes over and stays at his house while the wife is at work and after she comes home to sleep before going back to work
rick scours the internet off facebook and anywhere he goes in person looking for available women virtually any place he goes
Monday, November 10, 2025
He has full freedom. Treats me like I need permission for most things
as if I am a child, as if he is a father which he has never been a father to any child or anyone.
He is the youngest of 10 children, 7 of which are dead.
I don't owe him a damned thing
He owes me and can never repay or undo all of the horrible things he has said and done
He constantly expects me to prove myself worthy
It should be the other way around
He is supposed to be a man who loves a woman, which he does not and never did
A man who loves a woman breaks his balls to please her and would never say or do anything to hurt her or make her cry, cause her to get angry and upset over anything
I am the one who is supposed to wear clothes that make me look sexy. Clothes he has never bought for me..ever
I am supposed to buy lube which he has never bought
I am supposed to cook food he wants and he has never cooked anything for me that I like only
He would never buy a food or any item that is for me only
He will not and has not and would never do any activity with me that I like
He has everyone convinced he is a good guy
neigbors, friends, family, anyone and everyone but me
he acts calm, nice, polite, easy going
10:28 am to 1: 16 pm he was gone nov. 10, 2025 Monday
where he went I do not know
assume he walked at cave springs and possibly went to aldis or dollar tree
almost 3 hours gone and when I take off running errands going to community center or walking he times me says you've been gone a long time
River boat and nice dinner my dad took us on in 90s
I had a wondeful time.
all he did is bitch and complain about how much it costs and said it wasn't worth it
Sunday, November 9, 2025
total change in personality when he is around other people
ricky my son came over tonight
he is totally nice to him talking in the living room
direct opposite of the way he treats me
he gives him food, things, works on his truck. shares movies videos he likes with him. acts calm mild mannered like a clark kent.
acts as if he is wise, caring, full of advice, worldy,
takes him to his family places
junkyards
Dirty MIND signs of
he/she views any bare skin as provoking
refers to items using terms words that speak of certain specific body parts
sees an item object makes comments about using it for the act. might be furniture cars rooms places
secretly collects pictures videos books of the act. hides these items from spouse partner wife husband ..if wife finds them he keeps the items and hides them somewhere else refusing to disclose where they are.
even makes lewd comments about babies infants seeing them as suckers
frequently often lives in clutter dirt filth piles of collections of many things and does not see a problem with it or things like bugs cobwebs
deep cleaning is foreign to their nature
yells screams when things are moved around
has real problem with organization record keeping
puts things where they dont belong
Saturday, November 8, 2025
Poop. Grandma always checked it and said I should do it, too
and I have learned over the years she is right. Again...
Birthdays
I have spent almost all of my birthdays alone for many years
my 50th birthday I was with my grandpa in Belton, Missouri
he took me to a bar where he played poker, one of the games he liked to play
it was someone else's bday party and it happened to be mine, too
I played some poker games and was doing quite well with luck then a very large obese
black man won the last game and took all of my chips
another birthday without my husband
this was 15 years ago July 7, 2011
the summer after I was forced to go cold turkey off cigarettes begininning December 2010 when the transmission went out in my van and I was stuck at home for 8 months with him
my last bday age 64 I spent at hyvee urgent care with bug bites all over me. I didn't spend any time with him. we did nothing. no celebration, no dinner, nothing
Cold turkey
he needs to go
for how long, I don't know
no sugar, caffeine, junk food, constant attention on media ; radio, news, links to the outside world
Friday, November 7, 2025
Materialistic
physical things . all about the money. self serving physical desires
uses people like objects
self desires and opinions are only reality
consideration compassion does not exist
one way track mind
unable unwilling to empathize see feel anothers point of view
hypercritical
Time spent in food prep doing dishes eating today
1 pm to 330 pm
5pm to 6 pm
still not finished. scrap container needs dumped soaked scrubbed washed rinsed
November 8 is grandpa's birthday. Born 1926. Would have turned 99...
11-8-26 my step grandfather LeRoy Mitchell.. LeRoy Farrell Mitchell.
probably born in Oakland, California where his dad lived. His mother was Teresa/Theresa. His mother and father had divorced due to the meanness of his dad from what people said.
Theresa then married a man named Bud. They lived in Kansas City, Missouri.
Roy Mitchell, LeRoy's father, married another woman named Etta..
Roy was a jeweler and had his own shop/business. Grandpa loved coins and jewelry, Picked up the hobby/interest from his dad.
LeRoy taught school for 57 years. He taught me how to read. He introduced me to spooky horror movies...Frankenstein, Dracula, vampires, werewolves.
The first desk I sat at was his at the school he worked at in California.
I was only 5 or 6. I felt right at home, comfy at that desk as I still feel today. Writing, reading, On the computer. Today is cell phones, tablets, laptops, desktops..all kinds of electronic information devices/gadgets we did not have in 1966.
I love writing because of my mother. She wrote letters all the time. I love books thanks to my mom and grandpa and dad...all avid readers. Grandma would read magazines, too. Prevention mag, reader's digest, religious christian stuff, inspirational quotes. And, of course they all read the Holy Bible except Grandpa. He finally started going to church willingly after grandma died in 2008 because she had asked him to go. He went to church with her for many years but didn't really get anything good out of it.
I eat to live. I don't live to eat.
Grandma Sarah said this often.
She also said "They are after sex". I was so naive I said "I don't believe that. You can just be friends."
She shook her head haughtily almost in disgust and said "Dont kid yourself ..that's what they're all after." and she went "'Hmmmph to emphasize her words.
Thursday, November 6, 2025
The only things I am supposed to say about him.....
he is a hard worker
he is a handyman
I am NOT to speak the truth and say anything to anyone about what he says and does in private to me
He wants to appear perfect in the public image
Like a saint, a savior, a perfect man
Wednesday, November 5, 2025
some like to dirty up the clean
people
the more innocent they look the more corrupt they are to them and try to get them as dirty as possible
corrupt are not attracted to corrupt
like 2 negative poles of a magnet they repel each other
early morning is the middle of the night
6 or 7 am most get up
i am in the middle of 6 or 8 hour sleep at that time
it is 3 or 5 maybe 5 am when i finally fall asleep
why is it called falling?
Tuesday, November 4, 2025
A pig will stomp you into the ground
and ridicule, make smart aleck sarcastic comments about anything you say or do
not only are they ignorant, they are stupid because they will not listen, do not want to learn
they are obstinate, densely stubborn like a thick skulled mule
"uneducatable", unteachable,
i or you say something wise, smart, profound and they call you or me a stupid idiot, a know-it-all and they become defensive and sometimes violent with rage being verbally and sometimes physically abusive. they laugh in your face while calling you names, bullying you to the max.
People I talked to often, alot and they are dead and gone
but still here with me in my memories..
Grandma. Lots of long long talks about life. Status, appearance, ownership of nice things and caring for them. Work, duties, responsibility.
Full of wise advice about people, men, women, animals, health, nutrition, vitamins, exercise, shopping, eating healthy, dressing nicely and appropriately, using proper language/words/diction, going to school, studying, minding my own business and my mouth being careful what I said and who I associated with. she was constantly cleaning almost every hour of the day and never left dirty clothes lying around.
Dad. very wise. could talk to him about anythig and everything. Accepting, nonjudgmental, caring, always there to help at any time as fast as he could without reprimand, punishment, blame, guilt or any thing to make me feel bad. Excellent memory for history, details about things, family, friends, associates. Early morning riser 6 am or so. Coffee first thing then all day until evening when he drank alochol. Always honest/truthful about things.
Mom
Aunt Ruth. Many long discussions for hours on the phone. Began when I was around 21 and my kids were age 0 to 5.
Teenage and girlie stuff I did at home
Music upbeat dance and rock and roll, 1950s, 60s, 70s
radio vinyl records cassette tapes
television shows eve after school and weekend nights
I also listened to many different songs and interpreted the feelings of each one all the way down to my soul and each cell of my body
I lived in a new house with my grandparents we moved into in april 1971
We had very nice things however the stress from grandma and grandpa was high and intense so I adapted and survived by finding things that made me feel good
I especially danced when they were gone. We had a console stereo with a vinyl record player, an am/fm built in radio and a tape player. I would blast the stereo as loud as it could go.
I took my portable record player outside into the front yard played 45 rpm records and danced in the grass in the front yard.
Michael Jackson songs ..she rocks in the treetop all day long... rockin robin and the Hollies Long Cool Woman ..in a black dress were some of my favorite songs to dance to
Monday, November 3, 2025
Cameras security
tracked watched
common today more prevalent
aids police and law enforcement in accurate information
i used to love fact we had security cameras at work.
however if offender is disguised makes it difficult to catch them
Spell it out to me clearly accurately
i am not a mind reader
i need explicit information. instructions.
as so many people seem to think i know what they mean with vague blurry statements
am i autistic?
artistic?
Rabbit hole
he has been sucked in the hole of the media like so many people end up doing.
quite by unintentional accident
eyes and ears glued into what everyone else is doing
attempting to control the world
and failing horribly
it can happen to anyone regardless of age
however it seems like lots of older people fall into the pit of media hell much easier as they don't have much else of a life after the family and job and friends have dissipated
they might spend lots of time alone and don't know what else to do
instead of being meditative and instrospective and concentrating on bettering themselves and their lives they focus on others and attempt to tell them what to do
giving opinions on how people and things should be
and losing track of their own obligations duties and cleaning up their own messes
look in the mirror people!!
Radio: first thing he showed me. He is still obsessed with radio
it is am 98.1 in the car..political news garbage
blood test results from oct 28 vitamin d 38
just above acceptable range. low 35
parathyroid better
high carbon dioxide some kidney test
2 months ago i began taking vit d3 and calcium daily and eating 3 servings of dairy most days
aug 24 test low vit d and calcium and para messed up
amazing i did it and can function at all amazing i am still alive with all the insanity i live with in house control freak
perfection of self to be one with creator
accept others as they are .nope. cant do that...
fix yourself constantly pray nonstop
cant fix anyone else they have their own work to do on themselves
they were born perfect before they could talk. they didnt need words and all the confusion others force upon them
people try to repair themselves from the damage done to them by other people
shes only happy when she is with you
my grandma sarah said my mom told her that about me when i was about 5 years old
now my grandson is like that with me and i with him
Sunday, November 2, 2025
Your husband hates you Here's 8 Signs He Can't Stand You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk34IXP9z9Y
Your husband hates you Here's 8 Signs He Can't Stand You
8. Treats you like an obligation not a partner
7. He ruins your joy on purpose
6. He humiliates you. he is trying to hurt you
5. He has a whole life you're not invited to
4. He talks to you like he can't stand you
3. He withholds affection, blames you for it
2. He enjoys watching you struggle
1. He punishes you for existing.
Some people have public images opposite of what they really are
I don't know the name of that behavior but it is true.
My first modeling session spring of 1985
It was March or April. Downtown Kansas City, Missouri at Fambrough and Associates. A William Fambrough who rented a very large roo
m studio in a huge building.
I had wanted to be a fashion model not a nude one. My husband at the time said he was supportive of whatever I wanted to do and he suggested answering the ad for the modelling session.
It was early in the morning. I am not a morning person. I had just started my period and feeling puffy puffed up bad as usual. I had a tampon in and was afraid someone might see it.
Somehow I managed to come out beautifully in the session posing for about 5 photographers who surrounded me in the studio and gave me directions as to how to move. They provided outfits for me to wear. The first one was a long sheer purple gown with flowers on it.
I make the mistake of trying to fix broken people.
People that do not want help. Will not even look at themselves.
I am to concern myself with myself first and quit doing this. It is difficult to not say anything to someone when I see they are doing something wrong, something harmful to themselves or someone else.
All my words mean nothing to most people. Creatures of instinct, habit and upbringing. Humans are hard to change, hard to make aware. Including myself.
I'll take care of it when I feel it is necessary. His statement
This is why we still have piles of clutter.
This is why it has years to get rid of a lot of stuff and to go through each closet or area.
He fights me every step of the way regarding sorting, organizing, tossing things out. He hangs onto old stuff no longer needed or useful. And broken things.
It is like someone who eats a bad food and drink diet for years then finally goes to the doctor expecting them to fix it right away..
That person maintains the same bad habits and ends up with serious health problems, even early death.
People don't listen. When it is too late they might pay attention. IF they are still alive.
Saturday, November 1, 2025
Clutter
People I know who can't stand clutter: Beth Andrews. My dad/father. Grandma Sarah. Aunt Ruth Spainhour. My half sister Joyce. Me.
Prior neighbor Stacy Barr.
Other characteristics of those who do not like clutter:
Neat. Clean. Organized. Streamlined. Coordinated. Balanced. Ethical.
Friday, October 31, 2025
Johnny
drug addict
alcoholic
nice boyish childish when sober
psycho abuser when high
made a sandwich out of most foods
52 years old died
born january 1949
beat up every woman he was with or any woman he got angry with
cowtowed to men and police
in and out of jail since he was a boy
thief burglar criminal liar
last time i saw him walking on the street ny super flea in northeast kansas city missouri he told me he had a crush on a 14 year old girl
the desire to copulate still there even tho his body was shot riddled with liver and bone cancer and no way he could perform sexually....the story of male human life..
seeking mating with cute healthy females...always and forever until death
dead at 52 in my sisters house
joyce has his ashes cremated remains in her bedroom closet
Thursday, October 30, 2025
Since I started watching him, paying more attention to what he says and does
the more i realize and remember it has always been this way..i just wasn't paying close attention and i was tolerating all of it and bouncing, reacting like a rubber band
the more i reflect his own words and actions back to him the worse he acts out, the more he denies what he does and projects his behavior upon me
april of 2020 is when a first ephiphany hit me and i started to watch and pay attention more
realizations are more profound every day
it was never love from him since the beginning in 1987
i was too blind too see it
Innocent evil ones
the jekyll and hydes who fake innocence, youth, kindness, sweetness and do the 180 turning quickly into the real evil devil they are when alone in the presence of their victims
i have witnessed this behavior often in others throughout my life
Urge stems from and resides in the body....
like the adolescent animal driven by its hormones and has no control over its urges
if body is healthy enough it will have natural born urges and instincts
sick/sickened, ill physical body can't even contemplate much less perform that act or anything else
Woman who throws herself at a man is a doormat dummy
she doesn't know how the game works
she does not value herself
Be aloof.. grandma said I was and needed to be
never be desperate for anything especially a man's attention, "love" which they are not capable of
They're all looking for the fish that got away.....
the person, woman that got away
he never had her or if he was with her it wasn't for long..maybe she dumped him because he was inadequate
she left an empty spot in his being
a void he feels like he needs to fill
he felt unworthy, unwanted, not good enough
he thought if he worked harder, hard enough, he would get her someday
physical state determines mental state
positive wishful magical thinking wont stop a bullet or death by the bullet
the body has to be healthy before the mind can be healthy
Wednesday, October 29, 2025
Booklet fulfillment center in the outgoing mailbox today October 29, 2025
he put it in the box. had a prepaid postage on it. i didn't catch the city and state on the address
do not know what it is or what it's for
Tuesday, October 28, 2025
Exhaustion from having to repeat myself and
him repeating himself constantly unnecessarily acting like I cant understand
when he is the one who does not understand
Monday, October 27, 2025
Marry poor man
start from scratch
build up
help him
get kicked in the teeth
replaced by a younger woman
end up poor
i had wrong idea from beginning
i never wanted anyone to think i would marry just for money..and i wouldnt ..
and i could have been with a man who had a lot of money
at least i would have been rich after he dumped me for the other woman
as they all do or want to do....
grandmas advice i didnt take...again
I have been
good for cleaning up other peoples messes
used up like a dish rag
a good laugh laughingstock
maid
hole roll in the hay
mocked mockingbird
doormat
laundress
low paid worker
work for free
ENTERTAINMENT
news. movies. music. sports. religion
cults. groups. organizations. clubs.
books. media
porn industry.
shopping.
Sunday, October 26, 2025
People stuck in the news
Old people it is common to fall into the pit rabbit hole of television, radio, internet. A way to feel like they belong and are in the know. As if they know what is going on in the community and worldwide.
I have seen progression in many I know who fell into the tv. the radio. the internet and never came out
Happens to many tegardless of social status. Low income all the way to the richest person on earth.
Dead neighbors chris, debbie phillips debra wall
aunt ruth. grandma sarah. grandpa leroy mitchell.
live neighbors peter webber, sharon duggan.
john layson lived in the media.
norman rutherford lived alone believed radio broadcaster was talking to him.
lots of people want to be on the news, in the papers, famous,
Friday, October 24, 2025
She smiles with mud or blood on her face and body....
slung crap sheeit all over her
she is in pain emotionally and physically
she keeps going plodding along
enduring it all diligently
turtle shell over her sensitive flesh
Thursday, October 23, 2025
Hope you get your perfect woman
that faked it from the beginning but you didn't find out until it was too late
after you broke your balls to get her you finally got her
for years you will break you balls every day trying to please her and you can't because she is never satisfied with anything you do or anything about you
then after you have her she crucifies everything about you, blocks you from being yourself and doing what comes natural to you.
she is a road block. an egotistic negative skeptical greedy jealous money hungry bitch
her body looks good. she fakes politeness in public to everyone but you
Full time job at home
I dont even have a job earning wages
My entire life job centers around surviving and managing to cope with insanity. an insane person.
Sell a little on the internet Miracle I can do that with his interruptions
interjections orders rules , irregular spontaneous impulsive activities and
the cat all over the house sniffing eating licking drinking ..caught her in my food and drinking off my cups many times. And her scratching her fleas, barfing anywhere unexpectedly, jumping all over, scratching my bedroom door demanding she get in all night
Husband, our cat snd several feral cats. Trying to get deep cleaning done anywhere except in my bedroom is almost impossible with him here.
Manage to keep up with laundry. Normal cooking the way most people do is impossible. I have to work around him. His rules. Use caution making food he doesn't like the smell of.
Eat in the middle of the night at second meal of the day. Dodging him avoiding him and the cat.
Simplifying is what I want so I can do what I want. Write. Artwork. Design invent patent. Roam at will in free time. Photographs. My pictures I need to go through . My journals I need to go thru.
Too many hours spent cooking shopping cleaning washing dishes. Fighting with him many times while I cook clean sort.
Endless spiral arguments dead ends that go nowhere.
He says I argue cause fights because I dont agree 100 percent . He cant have a valid argument because he wont listen to both sides... only one side. His side His opinions, feelings and preferences are facts to him. There's only one way to do things. His way . There is only one way to think. The way he thinks. One reason, his reason. He is unreasonable because he cant reason.
Tuesday, October 21, 2025
He expects me to be ready for what he wants at the drop of a hat
and to think and do exactly as he does whatever he is thinking or doing at the moment
He can't plan anything regarding fun events and if we ever do go somewhere that was planned he is anxious pushy has attitude let's hurry up we will be late and says "You are always late" which is a lie.
He demands things must be done early in the morning and people shouldn't do things at night or in the evening. He maintains false belief that during the day things are safer and better such as burglaries robberies accidents which can happen at anytime of day anywhere.
If I don't agree he calls me worthless, stupid, dimwit and constantly tells me I do not what is going on the in the world. He does not know what is going on within himself and lacks self reflection and the ability to mediate and be introspective. Everything is always someone else's fault. Other people are stupid and to blame and I happen to be the one he blames most things on.
Two days ago he said I look terrible due to losing weight and made several comments about how we used to have sex
Then he blamed my weight loss of drinking coffee in the morning and all day long and me using vapor cigarette. He says tha I USED TO LOOK GOOD. I said, "That is funny because other people say I look good whenever I go out and people we know say I look pretty good. You are the only one that says I look bad."
He takes no responsiblility for his behavior of him daily starting in a yelling complaining session at me every time I get ready to eat a meal. I have told him repeatedly I need to eat in peace not have anyone yelling around me. He continues to do the same things over and over.
I said, "How do you expect me to feel after you call me names and insult me most of the time?"
He seems to have no awareness of how what he says and does affect me.
Sun is number 1. Sunshine is mandatory. Social rules block this necessity.
I have been lacking early morning sun for many years and it has caused the majority of my problems physically thus mentally
lack of vitamin d production cascaded the bone loss, insomnia, undersleeping oversleeping, digestive disturbances, depression, depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts and actions, eye vision problems, pain in my severely curved back/spine, leg pains
uncontrollable crying episodes
inability to maintain regular jobs anywhere
Other people insist I cover myself up therefore I lack getting enough sun on my skin. Society's rules about keeping yourself covered especially women is another major reason. Modesty, chastity issues due to moral reasoning humans have developed. Females in the media tv internet magazines are often shown scantily clothed or nude and this is unacceptable in daily life in the public.
I point out what he says and does and he says I am being nasty
it is because I point out his nasty behavior
He can't stand to hear what he has said and done to me because it is mean and nasty
He is impulsive, one track minded and has difficulty foreseeing predictable events that will happen such as preparing for a trip out anywhere and remembering that hunger will strike and food will be needed
that you need to have a jacket, coat, sweater at all times when you go out due to weather changes and it always gets cooler in the evening
Monday, October 20, 2025
Morning Devils
many people i know who are early risers are also like satan beginning when they wake up in the morning
Sunday, October 19, 2025
In the beginning..
he acted shy as if innocent, easy to control
he is none of those things
directly opposite
If I had knowledge in brains of all people I knew and know
and all that have been and will be...
a wish i had since i was born
fascinated with the vast amount of information people have and how they can remember certain things so well
my father was as alert at 75 as he was at 35. he died at 75 on jan 28, 2003 tuesday. born on july 27, 1927.
lived 27,579 days. 75 yrs 6 months one day.
he had so much knowledge i wish i could tap into his brain memory cells. wish it could have been saved. preserved and accessed somehow .
save the human memories stored on disc or any platform
all i have is my own memory which is faulty failing me sometimes
my dads alertness and lack of alzheimers or other similar conditions amazes me considering his habits of heavy coffee drinking, heavy cigarette and cigar smoking, daily alcohol consumption at night, overeating after age 50, serious health issues diabetes type 2, migraines.
True / many colors he shows to me
many faces not seen by others such as neighbors friends
faces some might be fake colors
The:
innocent sweet young boy face persona
father
dictator
fearmonger
sympathetic one
malevolent
lover
killer
brave
coward
cheater
cheap tightwad
extravagant giver
sage
savant
fool
idiot
dominator
Friday, October 17, 2025
Thursday, October 16, 2025
Wednesday, October 15, 2025
Distractions
Any kind of distraction gets me off course of a need or a goal.
It causes me to lose sight of anything I am doing or want to do.
Keeps me from taking care if bare necessities.
Disrupts my life with chaos. Makes it harder for me to live in a clean neat environment at home or work.
Television, news. media and people dropping by unexpectedly. People dumping their problems and messes upon me.
People with their advice who are not me living in my body or in my situation who think they have all the easy answers to my problems.
Animals.. pets... cats ..any type of pet has a benefit of companionship and disadvantage of being a hindrance in caring for them. Feeding. buying food. cleaning up their messes , having them be in my way when i am walking and doing things.
Every person has ideas on how their life should be and like to inflict their opinions upon me.
I fell asleep in hot tub last night
so tired couldnt even swim
around 7 pm fell asleep no one noticed at community center 730 ish woke up
i could have drowned and no one would notice or care
went to commerce bank earlier before going to center was yawning uncontrollably around 5 pm
when i woke up in hot tub managed to go in a shower before driving home
Dont throw your problems on me
I have enough of my own problems. Some have no solutions.
Back pain, leg pains.
appetite eating disruptions
dead family
no friends
psychotic husband
living in a mess
fatigue is bad and unpredictable
Tuesday, October 14, 2025
I saved old tv guides in the 70s when I was a child
Hoarder. Hoarded. Wanted to save everything as a memento recorded so I could relive memories. One day when I got old I could go back in time and see what tv shows I watched any day of the week.
Magazines. books. clothes. toys. My writings. Documents. School work. Telephone answering machine messages.
Business cards.
Emails. Names phone numbers addresses email addresses, notes about each person customer I dealt with.
Personal letters. Holiday greeting birthday christmas cards.
Music vinyl records then cassette tapes cds movies vhs dvds
Family photographs. Pictures I took at jobs I had schools attended, places I have been, cars and homes apartments duplexes houses I owned or rented.
Monday, October 13, 2025
Went out with girlfriend and sister in law to a bar and didn't drink..1990 or so
I drove my car a dark brown 1972 Plymouth Satellite, to a bar on 40 highway in Independence, Missouri..I think it was Flamingo lounge, now closed and has been for years.
None of us had any money. We ordered water. For a few hours we sat at a table and watched people get drunk.
What fun that was. Some of the most fun I have ever had. Watching to crowd, like at general admission at a KC Royals baseball game.
Two married men were at the bar. They begged us all 3 to come to their house to talk and visit.
I was curious as to why married men would even want to be around 3 strange women much less ask them to come over to one of the men's house.
So I have learned much over the years about this type of behavior. Men desire change of partners often either male or female partners depending on their sexual preferences. Some men seek it out. They are friends with men who do similar things so they think alike.
Some men never act out their sexual fantasies about having all these women either one at a time or multiple people in their sexcapades.
I was always wanting to know why my husband at the time viewed porn frequently and went to strip bars whenever he had the chance. As far as I know, he usually went to these nudie bars with another man, a male friend or a family member. It certainly made me think he was unfaithful and did not love me. He just used me for slavery acts, sex, maid, work, make money, pay bills, convenient companionship.
My grandson Damon
his first fascination was air movement. vacuums. then water. pipes drains.
laundry washers dryers spinning things. grinders. blenders.
currently it is air again. flying things airplanes helicopters
he doesnt seem too interested in fire or dirt earth. closest was sand he used to love to play with.
he is kind and very sensitive. he avoids people that seem loud harsh stern vulgar mean.
Sunday, October 12, 2025
She looks so young like she is 15..
how old is she? 28 on october 13
born 1997
he keeps saying that every time he sees her
one day he will be lucky if he even sees a picture of me
i will not leave any of my photographs here. he will have to rely on his poor memory
he rarely looks at me anyway. would rather watch other people via media and in person
Saturday, October 11, 2025
Power I have as woman not on my money
A poor broke woman has a lot of power
She has what the rich man wants
Friday, October 10, 2025
Wish I would have known when younger a child
1000s of things
addictions are easy to form
personalities are unique to individual and are born that way, unchanging thru life
being healthy, strong, good looking, youthful is essential for survival and procreation; survival of the species
a pig person wallows in chaos and confusion and likes it that way
people have similar or same instincts traits characteristics as many other animals and/or plants or life forms as tiny as an atom
anything witnessed by another is emulated, imitated, judged
your existence, presence, words spoken, actions, creations and destructions are noticed. you are not invisible
people and all life forms come up with creative ways to survive and get what they want
my old age has irregular sleep, eating, weight loss. spurts of energy, many epiphanies
pets are like babies and children. men are often like pets.
a limited vocabulary often coincides with maturity
fools like to invent arguments with no solutions to pass the time
many mechanics few engineers architects
the baby child is tied closely to mom for many years. totally reliant on and scared and anxious when she leaves the room. as child ages it pulls away from mom during the many years from teen to adult. until the end of life when moms memories dominate the mind once more.
Wednesday, October 8, 2025
How am I able to feel cold creeping in
it is 65 outside 73 inside my room. i should be warm but my feet and hands are cold
Knight in shining armor is only a fairy tale lie
appeals to fantasy desire of me and other females
what i was told existed in stories and never found
he is just a dream wish a phantom spider web thin and wispy in the air ..not real flesh and blood but a hallucination a fabrication from someone elses mind filled with delusions ....of grandeur beauty ecstasy safety love perfection...the thing that does not exist..the one thing sought on journey of life at the end of the rainbow ...
the elusive pot of gold out of the genies bottle rubbed by the delicate fingers of many feline females
the reality is that he is a dirty devil wolf loves to capture little beauties and contaminate them qiickly then run off leaving her to fend for herself ...sometimes she ends up preg having to raise an infant she did not expect or produce by herself. he just wants fun for a few minutes self gratification of conquering possessing something beautiful for that moment and not wanting any responsibility of aftermath of what he has done produced created instinctively when he climaxed then suddenly forgot his pleasure just experienced.. he was relieved of his mysterious tension he does not understand and loses interest in her quickly after release of his fluids
she on the other hands bonds emotionally with this physical creature who protested never ending love admiration of her beauty
she always remembers it cant forget
natures tricks that ensure survival continuation of the species
I am woman. Dont have to
compete with anyone
break my back or mind to please
i just need to be me
what i was born to be
Leg spread best exercise for back pain
splits
deep squats legs spread wide open as much as possible . the direct opposite of what we girls are told not to do
a movement supposed to be done solo solitary in privacy no one sees no witness no person observing it
however gymnasts do it all the time
and dancers dancing ...stars and celebs are paid by common public to perform this fantastic fundamental natural feat of the human body
men forbid wives to do it in front of anyone but them because of its powerful force when seen by males
and viewing the form of the behind butt with arched back is sexual turn on instantly to them and we are told not to do it even fully clothed
if i get in these positions it relieves back pain , makes me feel much better
Slow burning simmering anger I have...
finally culminated into realization epiphanies of life that have escalated to the point where my limit has been reached dealing with fools
tolerance level is at zero now
Gary guys obsessed with beauty
two mwen I know with the first name Gary..
one was a photographer i knew back in the 80s and 90s..he was always looking to get the perfect picture of a woman, an image he fantasized about and was obsessed with. I saw him one time in 1993 or 94 when I was talking to Dave Vajdic, the hoarder mess of a man who had buildings full of junk and he drank beer all day long living in the filthy mess he made. Neither Dave nor Gary had a woman in their life as both were undesirable money and material minded slothful fools.
Gary was insulting me by saying I didn't fit the picture of the woman he wanted to take picures of. She would have very long blonde hair and a different face and would be riding a horse just like Lady Godiva, the fantasy story from long ago. As far as I know Gary never found that perfect model subject to photograph and Dave never had a woman in his life. One time Dave told me that if I wasn't with Mike I would be with him. I said "I wouldn't be with you if you were the last man on earth. I'd rather be by myself."..... He was such a dirty pig with hair unshaven all over his face..long icky moustache and nasty hair on his head.
The other Gary I know is pretty old now. About 67. He is obsessed with a 28 year blonde girl young woman who lives in Russia. He says he talks with her over the internet and supposedly she is not after his money. I said "She is quite young and beautiful, her whole life ahead of her. Do you really believe she is interested and in love with you? She will probably want children and a family and it is doubtful you can provide that."
He responds with "It's okay to dream isn't it?"
This Gary is a film movie freak obsessed with the media and says he has written books and produced films and the like. He loves hollywood and stars. The first time I met him was at a neighbors July 4 party and he was being very nice to me, staring at me as if he had fallen in "love". He was not attractive then, being overweight, fat and flabby and greasy looking face. Last time i saw him he had gained even more weight, fat belly and said he was working on his diet and exercise hoping to trim down that stomach and be healthier.
Sunday, October 5, 2025
Every man in my life is a real mess/ some I knew in the past were the same
impulsive, disorganized, can't plan anything
angry, self centered
work hard physically but not mentally
eat any kind of food laying around
spontaneous
unclean
doesn't want to clean his room, space, areas
will not listen to me or anyone else
immature. childish
wants cake and eat it too
will spend large amts of money on frivolous stuff for self and save up for large expense like a car or truck or big job on the house
does not seek help and advice much from anyone else
asks silly questions
have to repeat myself constantly
foolish
runs himself ragged working too hard for money
avoids going to the doctor
asks for help from me then turns it down not listening to what he needs
acts stupified over why his life is such a mess..cant keep a job, cant get along with people, cant get or keep a woman around
says i dont i cant understand often over the simplest of things
calls me a bitch and has zero understanding as to why i am frustrated which is directly due to his pig like and dog like animalistic neanderthal behaviors
will not work on himself, changes nothing about his words or behavior
thinks he knows how to fix others and gives silly advice often
lives in the dark in closed up house piles of stuff and junk all over the place
touches all kinds of things with dirty hands
one sneezes outward into the room does not cover face or sneeze into elbow
blows nose at the table while eating
picks nose when he thinks i am not looking does not wash hands
rewears stinky filthy clothes underwear socks shirts jeans pants
does not air out stinking shoes boots
currently alive in my life:
mike/michael
kirk, tony, william, darin
ricky, ed (2nd husband)
steve josey,
dead ones:
john layson former co worker friend 2000 to 2023
perry montgomery 1st husband
john wilson, jr brother
jack wilson brother
jerry /gerald wilson, brother
jerry/gerald stillwell, brother in law
john lee stillwell, brother in law
Saturday, October 4, 2025
Truths. Will it set me free?
History of my life reveals I have been the second choice, the last chosen , used for sex, convenience, as a roommate.
The ethical dependable one
Paid very little money at all jobs and I have had a lot, done many kinds of work.
Partner and previous spouses boyfriends, associates, encounters have paid me very few compliments, shown minimal appreciation and attention as a person. The attention given is solely based upon what they can use me for ...Do this. Do that.
Friday, October 3, 2025
Grandma said he needs to know other men find you attractive
one of the last words she had for me. she said it standing in my driveway that day she popped in unexpectedly. she was about 85 years old at the time driving a red pontiac fiero car she and grandpa had bought brand new.
she had really wanted a corvette. the fiero was similar and cheaper.
Thomas Wright Tom
Thomas Wright Tom
born in december about 5 years older than me. sagittarius sun sign.
last time i heard from him was about 2014. he had ordered a nancy sinatra cd from me and never got back with me on it. a few years ago i called him numbers they were disconnected. i called the lawn mower repair shop he had worked at. the man said tom had gotten sick diabetes and had to quit.
he ordered lots of things from me so i could earn money
customer met at super flea until i left there in september 2008
had me clean his apt in independence and he was a minimalist..was not much to clean as he tossed most of the things he had
basics in his place; tv, two recliner chairs in living room, movies to watch, bed and dresser in his bedroom, clothes
grabbed me when i was in the bathroom cleaning and said you are beautiful look in the mirror always remember it!
worked at lawnmower repair shop
drank a 2 liter of coca cola daily straight from the bottle
drank whiskey out of the bottle also and i never saw or heard him drunk intoxicated
ate lots of pizza and junk food
very large fat belly
only made a physical pass one time but did not try to rape me
gave me money for gasoline and cigarettes
filled my gas tank
took me to dinner at nice restaurants like he took his mom mother to such as ruby tuesdays and red lobster
bought health care items for me like the time i had a really bad ear infection from swimming at longview lake
would call just to talk to me and see how i was doing
he told me when he was young man he worked at a place with a bunch of guys
and girls would come in there to service them he did it took advantage of them
and felt bad now as he got older about what he did.
he did not love or care for them just used them for sex
so being nice to women now is kind of a payback
asking for forgiveness of the way he treated females along time ago
he was single never married that i knew of had no children kids
all he knew how to do is go to work at a lawnmower repair shop, feed himself
a bunch of fast easy food from restaurants.
he did not cook and had no interest in doing so
he would drive all the way over here to my house and sit in the driveway
talking to my husband. once he said one of his old female friends called him
and she came over strictly for sex. his words did not phase my husband. my
husband did not care that i went over to tom's place and cleaned or that tom
bought me dinner many times and was giving me money, filling my gas task and buying me cartons of cigarettes and calling me on the telephone just to talk to me. he probably didn't care because tom had a hugh fat stomach like a santa claus
another guy who pursued me....and never got me
hours in the kitchen again today
hours upon hours cooking washing about 4 sinks full of dishes 2 loads of laundry
still havent left the house
Thursday, October 2, 2025
Charles Manson traits characteristics he has
watched a video movie last night with lady named diana who described what manson did
striking similarities exist between charles and my husband michael
at first he appears very nice loving sweet kind and gentle
he has beliefs about how women should be, only speak when spoken to, dont do anything without his permission
paranoid the world is going to be taken over by those other than white caucasian people
obsession with fanatical beliefs, michaels is political and forces me to listen to it and watch it
control freak
tries to convert people with his beliefs thru force, putting bumper stickers on his car and truck, writing graffiti on park benches and in the picnic area shelter at cave springs park, making people watch videos online that he watches everyday all day long like x22 report frankspeech mike lindell tv ...he believes he is right wing republican and anyone who isnt and doesnt listen to these news sites is a dumb ass idiot and stupid
Wednesday, October 1, 2025
Lies I believed
sex is love
man of my dreams exists..no it is just a dream
i am beautiful
i am intelligent, "gifted", "special", important, wanted, loved
hard work will get me love, i can earn it by deeds and looking good and agreeing with and going along with other people
people can change
people are good
people are honest
people love me or you for who you are not what you do or can do for them
people are out to help for no reason, no gain, no ulterior motive
people are out for the greater good for all (no, most humans are out for themselves and are self centered eogtistical creatures looking to get what they can from whoever and whatever is around be it attention, goods, gain, money, material things, food, sex, knowledge
iq determines desirability and procreation opportunities. no, it doesn't. it is based upon availability, attractiveness at the time of the encounter, the need for sex at the moment and wanting to get it regardless of the intelligence or material assets/money of the partner/person
if you love someone they will love you back
Nobody I know of wants me happy
except maybe one person, my grandson
the rest either ignore me,
ghost me
stay away
never invite me
do everything in their power to make sure that I am either crying or angry
sad or mad
Maintaining my sanity living with a fanaticm I do it alone
My critical thinking skills, deep interest in human and animal behavior, curiosity, skepticism, practicality and upbringing have kept me alive
Psychologists, mental health pros and helpful people on youtube and facebook have helped tremendously.
Monday, September 29, 2025
Jacque went vegan. Downhill from there
she was born dec 7 1950
i was born july 1961
around 2007 or 8 she decided to quit eating meat. craved bacon. dementia mood swings weight gain massive intake if diet soda and sweets. st johns wort. antidepressants.
she has been at a nursing home since about 2018 or 19
Learning to be clean and neat
lifelong process .....
no food left out
counters cleaned off lean and easy to wipe up messes as i cook and prepare food
clean as you go esp with food
cleaning floors
dont put food outside. it attracts animals pests varmits bugs insects
vacuum often. daily is preferred
dont eat in front of people or animals
Sunday, September 28, 2025
The things I want to do
and do anything else but
to go thru my old journals and pictures
my life i spend most of it with household tasks selling stuff and sitting in the bathroom
.....and writing about the crazy man i live with
what a waste of life
Saturday, September 27, 2025
Money cant
buy time
rewrite past
change history
erase words said actions done
repair broken bones or spirits
fix character
clean up your reputation
make people forget or forgive
give you empathy, social intelligence
give you self confidence
speed up nature. physics
defy natural laws
money cant pay for back surgery i vant have
cant have surgery
screws rods wont stay bone loss osteoporosis
dr neurosurgeon said if they can eventually operate the rods are so long they start at t10 vertebrae
wont have flexibility of spine if i ever get it
stiff
He is a mess
he leaves mess full of dirty dishes in the sink often. will wash them if i dont do it however doesnt want to use much soap stands there running water constantly just like when he is brushing teeth and combing hair in his bathroom
has trouble organizing and cleaning anything
bathroom is filthy mess
bedroom, garage, sheds filled with clutter
stairwell from basement to garage stuffed with clutter old rugs, containers
basement windows; one is boarded up the other one covered with metal grate so no one can get in or out
metal grate covered window has an ugly orange rug mate covering window completely
Cold turkey
he makes people go cold turkey a thing he would not tolerate well at all
in 2010 i was forced to stop smoking cigarettes by him and almost died because i began consuming massive amounts of junk food
he removed all beer from william, tonys roommate last month not thinking about the consequences doing this to this man who is 73 years old and used to "nipping" all day long
what will happen when he has to go completely without his usual daily addictions and habits such as
sugar
money
freedom
news political
porn
hard manual labor work
high sugar intake
freedom to move about at home and go wherever he wants on a whim
spending money on countless things many which are useless harmful not necessary
physical labor he is used to doing what if he cant move anymore and is strapped down
He suddenly takes off at noon today
supposedly to look at tony gomez's roof
yesterday he suddenly takes off around 1130 to noon is gone til 330 pm and supposedly just to go to menards and to cave springs park to walk
Friday, September 26, 2025
Things said mls
Makes me want to touch it grab it , when seeing females nude scantily clad dancing moving exercising
Now you know all you gotta do is put on maid outfits
Way she looks matters oh yes she can get anything she wants when she looks real good
She should understand screwing another when a woman throws herself at me you
Any red blooded male would have sex with....
Legs lead up to crotch is why they are sexy
You're wearing eye shadow makeup mascara..notices immediately
You're not wearing that out of the house, short shorts, anything showing butt cheeks cleavage , camisole fitted , clothes showing shapely curves, high heels sexy shoes, hose netted stockings , any netted see through lacy items,
You were flirting with him.. because you talked to him,
You are not to do yoga in front of anyone even fully clothed
You are not allowed to let anyone in the house when I am not here
You are not allowed to let anyone in a bedroom. Makes people think things
You will not mock me or I will hit you shove push knock you down onto the floor but I can mock you anytime I want
I don't want to listen to what you have to say
I don't care what you want
I pay bills around here I bought you several vehicles I can say and do whatever I want and you will respect me
Saw a pretty black girl and thought if I were black I would go for that
Watching porn is not cheating it's no different than you using a dildo
You haven't been doing your duty
You don't work, you do anything and make excuses to get out of work
You don't do anything around here except maybe the dishes and laundry
Accused me of using sex as leverage
Sure he she liked you because you have a vehicle. They can use you.
At age 31 you are too old to go to school. You owe a student loan, you drink beer and smoke cigarettes. I'm not supporting you if you go you need to work a job and pay bills around here
That's not going to last. Referring to any job or activities I have or had
I don't want you hanging around them, anyone, your going to end up like them. I don't want them coming around here. No visitors.
You're not babysitting in this house
You're not selling Mary Kay amway or anything where people come over here.
I don't want people in here. They use up utilities and snoop around here and will steal things
You dont know what angry is.
How much do you think that costs? Everytime he buys something.
Some kick smear crap on you throw mud in your face
and expect you me to smile be nice pleasant perform work well and
act happy they didnt kill you
Baggy clothes
to cover my curves femininity
and now to not make my twisted back so visible..the prominent camel hump curve....looks like a huge stegosaurus stalagmite
uglier than sin
over 10 years ago i wore baggy black shorts and an oversize shirt going for walks here in the neighborhood up the hills...parkwood to the trail on 98th terrace...into the woods and i walked most days ..i took food and water and paper little noteboook and pen
and i wrote and ate peanut butter sandwiches apples and i smoked
only way i got some exercise and maintained a little sanity
i had to dress in baggy unattractive clothes or he got pissed off angry mad
i wore hiking boots or tennis shoes
used to take walkie talkies until they quit working
Birds feather flock
to remain same reinforce beliefs
maintain status quo
his buddies associates listen to each other
most of them are not married single , spend most of their time working for money, not the kinds of guys or men that women seek or want
immature adult males not savvy without a clue
Effects of poverty upbringing and mentality
hoarding disorder
causing home and storage units to be filled with junk that collects dirt, dust, mold, mildew, bugs, pests, insects and makes cleaning a very difficult chore
nothing is ever enough
family problems, communication issues with anyone especially those close to them like spouse, wife, husband, children, siblings, mother, father..all
social ineptitude
health destruction, mentally, emotionally and physically
difficulty with decision making. indecisiveness. procrastination..fear of making a mistake couple with impulsive behavior like gambling spending large amounts of money on frivolous stuff
addictions..any kind of like working too much or not enough, sex, accumulating things, alcoholism, perfectionism, smoking, drugs, memorizing useless trivia, political, religious,
critical behavior of others and avoiding self reflection
paranoia paranoid thoughts about people stealing your stuff, lying, cheating, destroying
avoidance behavior
game playing
obsessions
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