However he is often confused at what he sees.
Language words is even more confusing to him.
Friday, May 31, 2024
The land before time and bambi movies
My youngest son when a child cried seeing the land before time
I cried when i was a little girl age 5 or 6 when i saw Bambi
Woke up from a dream. The perfect place to be
It was about a half hour ago when i woke up 850 pm may 31, 2024 friday night....dreaming.
Lived in an apartment. I can picture it.
Door to outside. Close to community and community centers. Swimming. Walking. Shoppi g.
Oldest son visited. Youngest son talking to me during visit telling me when he can come over that fits his schedule. Sundays before 430 am. Damon can come too. He says the place is perfect for me. I do, too.
Its dimly lit. Dark. I try on lots of different clothes. I can see out the windows.
The kitchen has an open large area looks like a restaurant lounge bar with guest tables all at that end. Its public. People are out there. Music is playing. I begin dancing by some woman. I realize i must make up my face and wear
Looks are #1. Especially for females
She doesn't have to say a word..in fact if she doesn't say anything that is even better
He will be all over her like flies on honey
Dizzy head spinning before I even got out of bed this morning...
what is up with that?
first time I have had that happen.. must have been something I ate last night.. don't know for sure
dying inside
the dream right after i moved in here...occurred to me again now
the dream right after i moved in here...occurred to me again now
the wolf in the background vicious yelling and growling, large teeth.. I remained calm as the animal roared at me...i am in a truck, a flatbed trailer pulled up on side of road
my subconscious or whatever it is telling me the truth, the reality of what is and what has been going on for many years after i moved in here...
Opposite of me in many ways. He is.
he hates himself. literally. and doesn't realize it is himself he hates when he is chronically angry and
yells about his disgust for humanity.
i just told him maybe he ought to live alone since he hates everybody and himself as well
he made a comment "i am tired of giving them things. all they do is come over here begging for more .." referring to the 6 year old little boy across the street.
Thursday, May 30, 2024
I guess I should be embarrassed ashamed of myself
Because of the way I look with my twisted hunchback . Crooked face and mouth.
And because of how I act. Horrible. Expose truths no one needs to hear. Talking way too much saying things that don't need said nobody wants to hear embarrassing people and myself, showing how stupid I am and admitting stupidity and ignorance and being egotistical about most things.
Pathetic
I need to cover myself, my body
Hide my hideous appearance
Crawl away and stay in a cave
Nobody wants to look at me. Nobody wants to hear me. It's obvious why I am not wanted around.
has 2 vehicles of his own, a car and a pickup truck. runs around anywhere anytime he wants. no restrictions.
obsessed with politics, money, material things.
chases money. thinks/believes it is the answer to all things for "happiness"
tries to get the most money of of anything
spends lots of time working on junk trash old shit that ought to be thrown out in the garbage
becomes violent at thought of losing money or any material thing possession
uses earphones and headphones most of the day
likes huge big screen tvs displays and big pieces of electronics high end stereo equipment speakers amps dvd cassette vhs reel to reel players radios
food eats and drinks any thing item because of the taste most of the time disregarding information about health benefits or deficits
goes out of his way to serve please himself first and immediately often without regard for others in the house ; eg; blasting music or tv
not instrospective, does not look at self,
meditation is not done because can't stand silence
impulsive
seeks immediate gratification in most everything
expects immediate response from me or anyone about anything
cant resist what is seen if it looks appealing
cash is preferred method for most things
accounting is detested
says i dont need to account write it down i know what i do with my money
thinks he can say and do anything without consequence and expects me to not remember, to forget any traumatic abuse he has done as if it never happened claiming i am too sensitive and i didnt hurt you i was just trying to get your attention and i care about you and i want you to be happy
destroying my confidence, my will, myself anything about me is the name of the game aim for him
maybe he is still searching for the perfect girl/female/woman like a stepford wife or other type of robot automaton thing that is void of self and her own identity ...like pollyanna, polly he mentioned years ago that worked at a massage parlor and he didnt want her to leave so he wouldn't help her move to texas..interesting because he has told me to leave hundreds of times over the years, told me to go live with someone else, told me to take off with nothing except my van
Buyers not sellers
these guys love to buy and not sell on sites and seems like ebay is on of their favorite places to get stuff
the hub
john l
I've had my share of dealing with uncooth filthy pigs
This one male sticks his fingers in almost anything. He buys used items at thrift stores or anywhere and doesn't think the clothes need to be washed. He puts fruits and vegetables in the fridge, forgets to wash off the apples oranges or anything and eats them just as they are.
He won't wash new clothing or other items. He says the clothes "smell good" at the thrift stores and claims they wash all these things before they put theme out for sale.
The last husband of ten years 1981-1991 dug his toenails, picked his nose, pet the dog and cat and any other animal around, handles tools, car parts, any type of device..did not wash his hands and ate his food with his dirty hands.
The first husband, Perry I was with from 1977-1980 would go for several days without taking a bath or shower. He worked on filthy greasy cars, trucks, automobiles frequently. His fingernails were caked with black grease. His toenails had green and yellow fungus in them and the nails were yellowed and hard. His feet stunk to high heaven. His teeth were covered with green slime as she refused to brush them.
I worked with john layson for 9 years. The man never washed his hands that I saw/observed and he walked around eating food while working throughout the day. He would pull a snack candy bar, cake or cookie or pie or any other type of food out of the wrapper, handle it with his filthy hands and eat it. He got sticky greasy stuff on merchandise and thougtlessly touched anything around him spreading god knows what anywhere and everywhere. He bought clothes and anything at thrift stores never washed them. He never cleaned his house, kitchen, bathroom, floors. He never vacuumed. Didn't use disinfectant. Rarely bathed/showered his own body.
Every one of these people encouraged me, tried to get me to do things against the law..otherwise known as lying, cheating, stealing, taking advantage of others, hurting people
He sticks his fingers in any food he sees. Just stuck his finger in my jello and fruit dessert tonight when I turned my back.
Then he yelled at me and said I don't know what is wrong with you! I don't know why you get so upset. I just wanted to see what that was!
I said. Fine. I dont need to eat it.
Then he got a teaspoon and scraped off the area of whipped cream he stuck his finger in and I left the room.
When I came back he asked Are you going to eat your jello? as he fixed himself some ice cream.
Strong body and weak mind is one combination. The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
https://www.minimalismmadesimple.com/home/weak-minded-person/
The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Fools like me believe people are good inside
And that they can learn and change for the best
And they won't unless they see themselves, see the need and want to do it
Why I married idiots lived with fools
My ignorance, low self esteem and loving ness
My upbringing childhood experiences formulated this negative way of thinking I wasn't good enough and can probably never be
Bleeding ulcers
Black poop
Half black poop
Crimson blood in poop and stool toilet water
Bright red blood enough to fill several wads of toilet paper
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
Don't look back
Or you will turn into a pillar of salt
Once gone. Won't return
After I learned the lesson
Monday, May 27, 2024
I would go off by myself..
If I had to go to a shelter of any kind
It's what I do pretty much anywhere I am or go . The alone loner.
I don't do bundle groups like the 4 teenage girls clan I saw at price chopper tonight . All dressed in PJs and house slippers. Clanny cliques tend to think alike each other looking for verification of themselves. I don't.
They still looked better than the single black female I saw dressed like a cross between a hooker and an Eskimo . At least they were dressed instead of nude naked in birthday suits. It wouldn't shock me to see naked these days. If they are healthy looking it wouldn't be so bad. If they are not it might be sickening to see.
Husband was up at 6 am after windstorm last night
I was woken up at the crack of 645 am heard loud men's voices in the front yard
He was out there yelling with the neighbor mark while he was picking up tree mess branches sticks twigs.
Ran the generator and powered the fridge and deep freezer intermittent through the day.
I went back to sleep till almost noon
We have lights via a car battery and fixtures he rigged up years ago and flashlights
He napped about an hour until 4 pm. I left here after he got up.
Today's ventures . Walking dead woman, me
Dumped trash old food ..lots of pastries cherry turnovers and others and fruit and veg scraps
Went to Best buy Metcalf then best quivera Rd got portable charger for 4 phones or other accessories
Sam's club quivira by Best buy closed at 6 pm on Sunday
Could not get gas at Sam's for 2,98 gallon. it was about 10 minutes after 7 pm so I went to QT across the street 95th st and Monrovia used points earned at price chopper for cents off gasoline pd 3.02 gallon .
Cleaned bird poop off windows and doors of my van with QuikTrip squeegee
To 95th st west turned right at pflumm stopped at gas station to see if Tom s was working. He is off on weekends said the attendant. Christmas day is only day the station is closed
Wanted to ask Tom if he had any ideas why I have such fatigue
Price chopper 95th and mission Rd. Bananas, celery hearts, microwave popcorn, chips were 2 dollars so got 4 or 5 bags
Back home. Had plain peanut butter sandwich on weird bread, potato chips alot of them and 2 bananas . Yum.
Fell at qt getting gas today
Scraped left knee, tops of both ankles on the front, left elbow , left hand palm by wrist. Another bloody scrape have to wait to heal
The fatigue is getting worse and clumsiness increasing
Falls dropping things. Sometimes they break
Spilling stuff misjudging due to tiredness and today I got up around a quarter til noon sleeping late later today than usual
And slowing down more
I've almost made it through the day again
Several times feeling like I am about to die
Sunday, May 26, 2024
He's like a child
Impatient impulsive demanding
Rude pushy
Sees only his way
Must be right all the time
Insulting
Mouthy...no filter on mouth
Friday, May 24, 2024
Stingy with compliments, stingy with money
heavy with criticism, sarcasm, mockery, hate, humiliation, blaming, shaming, mean,
Cheapskate miser skinflint piker money grubber
https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/words-meaning-miser
Nothing fancy or expensive for me
No beauty salon
No manicure, pedicure, facial, waxing, strange eyebrow threading
No hair color, no braiding
No massage
No jewelry
I Don't Expect Anyone to Fix My Problems and Save My Life
I've talked to lots of people about my issues and not one of them has done a damned thing to help me and I don't expect them to do anything. It's bad enough that they were brave enough to listen.
The worthless solutions they come up with mean that they mean well but have no clue what they are talking about with these wonderful up in the air dreamy ideas about how easy it would be to do the things I "should" do in order to have a nice happy life.
Thursday, May 23, 2024
Immediate gratification people
John layson wanted immediate gratification.
He is just one of some people i know who expect instant results and satisfaction.
Fast food, sex, porn is perfect, material things.
Responses from others. Answers. Driving. Money. Cash preferred. Cant wait.
Quick fix. Sugar. Pills. Ointments for pain.
Tv. Videos. Movies. Music. Internet.
Lived in the media majority of time.
Few friends associates
Never married. No children.
He thought cleaning was a waste of time and money.
Wouldnt take a shower or brush his teeth very often.
Used earphones in his ears, over the ear headphones
Constantly listening to music watching videos
Hoarder hoarding disorder
Paranoia bipolar diagnosed with
Freaked out if anything was moved, cleaned, reorganized by anyone but him
Ate all day long. Candy snacks desserts breads rye wheat
Ate food any kind while working
Sugar addict. Any sweetened artificial or natural. Flavored artificial candy coffee tea soda
Had to drink diet soda with each meal
Expensive beers brew
Political science major in college st louis missouri
Argumentative
Demanding
He pointed out things he had during conversation. When paul anderson visited from south dakota john would steer the conversation to some item he had and showed me instead of being attentive to paul talking
Can you trust a person who
Strangles
Pushes
Shoves
Kicks
Threatens
Yells at inappropriate things and times
Do you ever think about what you will do if I die
He asked me about an hour ago. First time ever....
One of the stupidest dumb questions of all
Didn't need to be answered. One of those questions that is automatically understood by most people.
OF course I think about it. I've been thinking about it for many years. Countless years. Why do you think I concentrate on easy maintenance
Meet The Family in 1991
John . First thing he said to me "DO you think people use each other?"
Dorothy: "YOU DON"T EXIST!"
Mother Marjorie stayed in her bedroom all day ( like i do most of the time now ) if i was here reading her jehovahs witness bible then come storming out of the master bedroom yelling at me with accusations yelled at mike and me said youre a couple of ass holes! You need to live your life right, .. showing jw literature and the bible calling me jezebel , going to her jw meetings twice a week tuesdays and thursdays she was all dressed up
Karen . Hateful and jealous. I was nice. She was mean.
Mike Michael did nothing in my defense when i was verbally assaulted by each one of these people his family members
Wednesday, May 22, 2024
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Know what animal you are dealing with first
The nature and personality are often consistent with most however there are some that are like chameleons and are very difficult to deal with
Finally met the lovely lady across the street yesterday evening. They moved in back in fall of 2019 I think
Seems like it was September of 2019 when they moved in
Her and husband and two boys/sons.
Sunday, May 19, 2024
Saturday, May 18, 2024
Male actions of partners in my life
Perry. Marriage 1. In grandview church. No real wedding or ring. Poverty life. Welfare. Food stamps. Starving. Utilities were unpaid turned off. First place lived in his mothers old house 10203 newton kcmo. Real dump.
Episode at target March 25weeks ago
March 25 2024
Walking around Target alone. Ward parkway shopping center mall.
Two people started talking to me. "We heard you were going to pay for my groceries."
They had a full size grocery cart more than half full of food and other items.
A man and a woman a couple I am guessing in their 20s possibly 30s. Black male and female.
Playing a joke on me.
I must look gullible naive kind
Got rid of more stuff today. Up at 9 am . Early for me
Up 9 am. Had yogurt, mango and banana, mixed nuts and popcorn before I went to bed last night. Is that why I woke up earlier than usual and had to go to the bathroom?
He left around 10 am to Adrian, Missouri.
First I dug thru old paperwork making 3 bags of trash to go. Two bunches of roses I had received from Evangel Church drive thru food pantry the Wed before Mothers Day on May 12 also bagged up to go in trash. More trash I made to go: Old dried up cinnamon rolls, 6 bottles of premade drinks that contain sucralose and other artificial sweeteners and ingredients, yesterday's organic garbage including egg shells, banana peels and other fruit and vegetable scraps.
Gathered up a box of old books, a plastic bin container of miscellaneous items and a big box of empty cd jewel cases.
It was about 340 pm when I finally left the house.
First stop, the trash bin at a gas station off Red Bridge Rd close to 71 hwy.
Second stop, gotwhatulikerecords off Hickman Mills Dr in Kansas City, MO. Sold Mark the box of empty cd cases, He said he didn't really need them. I sold them cheap for an undisclosed amount.
Third stop, a trash can at a gas station by 87th and Blue Ridge in KCMO.
Fourth stop, a trash can at a gas station by Gregory off Blue Ridge.
Fifth stop, the new book store "trailhead books" in Raytown, MO. Brought in the books. She gave me store credit for some of the books and a power strip I didn't need which she was happy to get. She gave me a cup of the coffee she was throwing out at the end of the day and said no one wanted any coffee that day. Some company called "Attack coffee" I think she said it was.
The rest of the books and miscellaneous stuff (tshirt transfer stuff, cans of spray air freshener, plastic containers of wipes I don't use and an old stencil design set) the book store owner didn't want I gave to a woman in the parking lot who was cleaning out her car and was very happy to get the stuff. The universe timed it right, I suppose.
Next I went to the Motor Vehicle and Drivers license office, 6138 Raytown Trafficway. I thought I had time to go in and get my license renewal due by July 7, 2024. Found out their hours and MON-FRI 9 to 5 pm. It was about 8 minutes past 5 so I missed it. I swore they used to stay open until 7 pm. Have to wait until next week, maybe Monday, who knows when I will get that done.
Then, still no food in my body since last night, I drove to the Goodwill thrift store in Lee's Summit, Missouri and donated a couple of boxes of stuff including the old blue plastic bin with no lid. They gave me a 15% off coupon and a tax receipt. Wow.
Hungry. I stopped at Hardee's restaurant off 3rd street not far from Goodwill. Downloaded the app on my phone. Went in and asked about a value menu. Decided I didn't want that so I went to HyVee across the street and found some food to eat in there. It was around 7:40 pm when I was done.
I had flexibly planned to go to J. Thomas Lovell Community Center to swim and exercise but decided it was now too late to go and be able to spend much time in the hot tub/spa, pool and use the exercise equipment. They close the aquatics area at 9:30 pm.
Decided to head back home. Stopped and used the restroom at Longview Community Center. Stopped at a park off James A Reed Rd between Bannister and 87th street and walked around its cement circle trail, went down a couple of slides, swung a little on a swing, pushed the globe which was hard to turn around in circles and got on the spinner thing.
Got home after 9 pm. Husband tells me about his trip today visiting our friend Kirk. He says the guy is a mess. Nothing makes sense. Everything is haphazard and scattered around. So I asked him to do one thing before I put his dinner plate in the kitchen sink: "Look around here. Pick one spot and tell me if it looks haphazard, a mess and things tossed everywhere."
He then gets up, walks and looks around for less than a minute and says "Why are you wasting my time talking about this?" And puts his headphones back on so he can sit there listening to the true stories, the truth news because that is the most important thing to do at the time.
I said, "You think it is a waste of time to talk about this mess we live in."
He said "I don't talk about it. I do it" as he sat in the chair not looking at or doing anything about the stuff in the room which is 17' x 28' living room and kitchen combo.
Piles of papers and food and lots of stuff on the dusty table between the two recliner chairs, lots of very dusty things on his custom made table for his laptop computer, several food coolers in the living room, many items on the living room floor, stuff crammed behind the recliners, outdoor patio furniture cushions up against the wall and in the middle of the floor, a paper grocery sack half full of receipts he throws in there after he buys something which sits there for years, a cardboard storage box full of his shoes, a plastic electric foot massager on the floor a couple of feet in front of his recliner, a stack of plastic bins and boxes by the inversion table...just a bunch of junk sitting around in the way collecting dust. All of this shit in the way makes it difficult to run the vacuum.
This is an example of an entire day which some might say was wasted. Hours and hours of dealing with stuff I don't need or want and trash to get rid of.
It is an ongoing process that has been going on for years and eons. It feels like centuries.
My eyes bother me. Small things, such as this screen I am looking at, are hard to see. Focus is more difficult. I have to lean forward pretty close to the screen to be able to read it. Most things are difficult that used to be relatively easy.
My back is in tremendous pain constantly. I had some energy today, thank God but have been going through mysterious bouts of tiredness, just plain fatigue feeling worn out, drained like it is hard to do much of anything. Getting this house cleaned out seems like it is taking forever. However, I am making some progress one bag and one truck load at a time.
I feel frustrated when I know the result I want and it should happen about as fast as I think it. Foolish thoughts.
So tomorrow I will work on another batch of trash to throw out. Probably more paperwork. Maybe get more books or something to go. Maybe get him to find more stereo equipment he will finally agree to let go of that sits out in the garage in racks taking up space. As of the day before yesterday I have 3 pieces of heavy electronics listed for sale pretty cheap on the internet. Did have them on ebay and reverb.com with no response. Put them on facebook and craigslist only to have scammer message me on both sites. Can't put my phone number in the listing even when the numbers are spelled out in words because the scam artists can figure out the phone number.
I have suggested having a garage sale in various forms to him and that does no good. I suggested having some guys or companies or estate or auction people just come and look at the whole mess of stuff and make offers. That does no good. He won't hear of it.
It is too time consuming, takes way too much work to list stuff on the internet that is basically crap hardly anyone would want even if it was free. If a large piece of electronics sells on ebay it takes lots of special care for him to package it up then ship it. Then I have to basically wait 6 months and hope and pray the person doesn't file a fraudulent claim to get all their money back including the shipping price and steal the item as well. Ebay and paypal have a 180 day guarantee return policy for buyers even if the seller doesn't offer returns.
My desire is to live in a house that is easy to clean, maintain, live and get around in. I want the hallways clear of any items (crap, I call it) including his cases of drinks, rolls of carpet, plastic containers of automobile products, boxes, etcetera.
I would love to have clean, neat and organized closets and shelves. Nice looking clean and lean tables, furniture, appliances, floors, bedding, walls, ceilings, patio area, sheds. All of it to look and feel professional.
Tired of the pack rat syndrome. Too much stuff encourages rats, mice, animals, snakes, insects, bugs, mold, rot and ruin.
Friday, May 17, 2024
Thursday, May 16, 2024
Everyone wants to look good
Some people also admire, appreciate and want others to look good
Some shit all over others thinking it makes themselves look better
Sick crying shame
Attractive female not listened to as if she had no brains no intelligence no individuality . She is judged by and treated by the way she looks. Period.
She is used for sex, appearances, house hold duties and chores, child birth, child care raising rearing. Just ask me and my sisters
My sister's ex husband never took her out to dinner for 18 years. She was a sex and house slave . Mother of his four children. She did it all. She loved. He used her up. He beat her up. He slapped her.
Fortunately her second husband was a good man who adored her and treated her right.
Teachers from grade and junior and high school and vocational technical schools
Loved art , English, science, physical science, Spanish, theater, mixed chorus music classes
Pete Erickson art
Mr Robertson art
Mrs friel English
Mrs Caban English
Mrs Audrey Ashburn physical science
Mr shiblom computer programming
I look at my teachers in a different way
Now that I am 62
I used to have a status fear type reference and admiration for my teachers when I was young. Viewed them as untouchable icons and authority figures instead of the plain old human beings they are
Toxic person he is. Never satisfied. Always complaining. No fixing him.
He does not want any help. He does not want to be happy.
It is not my responsiblity to fix him. I cannot make him happy. No one can.
He works on anything else except himself. Blames the world and anyone or anything around for his misery.
He is an insecure, scared, frightened, shaking coward.
May 14, 2024 at 1:30 pm he put both his hands around my throat as if choking me.
And it hurt. Didn't leave marks. I could feel the residual effect on my skin.
He was getting ready to barbecue 4 hamburgers I thawed out in the microwave. He looked in the utensil drawer in the kitchen and said "what happened to all the stuff in there?"
From there his anger escalated to the point of physically assaulting me... again.
He's a drowning victim
Grabbing neck of anyone and pulling them down to kill them along with himself
Tuesday, May 14, 2024
The lady at the bookstore thinks I am funny
She laughed at lots of things I told her the other day.
She is the owner.
And I am not trying to be funny. I am serious as all get out with truth and reality.
He gets pissed because I tell stories to people wherever we are.
It's just one of the countless things that pisses him off... about me .
Brevity. Synopsis. Short. Stories
Why are some stories and books and movies so long when they can tell you what happened in one or two sentences?
Monday, May 13, 2024
Love is doled out sparingly
Sparsely and rare are the signs of any appreciation care
It's like one kiss every six months
Walks away from me each time we are talking
Does not look at my face
Hugs maybe 2 or 3 times a year
No sleeping together
Some people get some things the first time
Some don't get anything the first time
I'm a slow learner when it comes to most things
Sunday, May 12, 2024
After all this time living..
Have decided that I don't believe in the afterlife.
There is one life for each lifeform
If I never had kids mother's day would not mean anything
Regarding them
It would only mean something to me regarding my own mother who was born May 14, 1939 and passed away unexpectedly and suddenly on December 14, 2003
Saturday, May 11, 2024
Collage for clayton. Gift memoir i would like to make
Picture. Windchime. Mobile to hang up from ceiling
Lucky 4 leaf clover
Shiny silver quarter nickels dimes pennies dollar
Green . Bills. Money
Train moving.
Bullets. Ammo.
Safety pin.
Gold silver diamond glass $ & dollar sign and music symbol overlapped
Keyboard music player like the one grandpa maury Maurice his namesake got him for xmas or bday when he was 9. We lived in the "Ruskin Dumper" house i called it 7203 e 108th st kcmo
Hacky sack
Basketball
Friday, May 10, 2024
People sense something is wrong with me and therefore avoid me
Current situation: no friends . Excluded. Uninvited. Not welcome. Shunned. Left out.
All jobs I've had: no friends
High school: outcast, avoided
Grade and junior high now called middle school: left out, not invited, not included, never picked for games partners
Now I must have known about this definitely by the age of 10 or 11 when suicide started in my mind. I knew something was wrong with me and I shouldn't live or procreate.
No one wanted me to succeed at anything. I had desire, curiosity , willing to learn and work. All blocked, sabotaged. Keep me down. Keep me out of the loop, the group, the information, the news
Make it hard for me to eat. Accuse me of shit I didn't do. Accuse me of not doing my job and duties.
A real strange weirdo.
People hurry me up and out the door to get rid of me fast .
The males attracted to me were weird , married, taken, goofy, oddball, gawky, the unwanted.
Guys know their number on the scale of 1 to 10 and seek companionship with similar numbered females and secretly desire the number 10 females but think they can't have them so settle for what they think they can get.
Thursday, May 9, 2024
Wednesday, May 8, 2024
Nothing is ever his fault
So it's my fault
I'm to blame for all bad
I'm the one convenient and around
I Put all my eggs in one basket: He broke them all
broke
smashed
kicked whipped crushed ground up
killed
boiled
shattered
frozen
destroyed
Rosie Day in court
she was totally silent
looked like a wooden doll
completely quiet and shut up ordered not to say anything or look at anyone
in 2010 court in dallas texas
her husband john lee stillwell had made her that way
she used to be open smiling carefree friendly with all..loved to walk through the malls and shop ..window or otherwise ..
her family is nice pleasant easy going and she is, too
before he killed her spirit
made her agree to his lies, his false accusations against me and his brother mike
because he was after all the money and
john ended up turning against his own siblings except the youngest karen who is /was also insane
Tuesday, May 7, 2024
I support others. They cut me down
Each partner or husband has been a block.
The husband has no emotional support no mental support and no beliefs that I can do anything. I have no value.
I encourage them the partners and husband and many other people I know or who are strangers. I give honest compliments.
I have no regular steady friends. I am not in any group or class. I don't attend any school. I have no ambition no great goals no hopes and dreams.
No activity can replace my broken heart
Daily crying each and every day for a year
Haven't seen my grandson for a year as of may 14 2023 last mother's day
All the places we use to go, I see them every time I go out
Frequently I cry while I am driving as I go by or to the places . Frequently I cry wherever I am.
Fortunately I am home now while I cry. It's less dangerous to cry alone and to be in bed especially at night when no one is around or awake to see me
I think of the KC zoo I never got to take him to. Last year in April his birthday month I went alone. I go to parks alone where we used to go. I went to c Lee kenagy park in April 2023 and again in March and April 2024. Took pictures of the flowers that always bloom right before his birthday. We used to go to that park often.
The last time I saw him I told him I imagined he was a little bird in my hand and I gently blew on him as he flew away as he grows up and away from me.
I told him to always remember that even though he can't see me I am always there and will be there for the rest of his life. He will never forget me nor will I forget him. I said I know I didn't say it often but I love you very much.
Nothing I do can stop my feelings and my memories. No one can help me.
Now I hear the owls outside by my house and I remember making the owl hoot sound for Damon starting when he was a baby. I always said what's that noise what's that sound about anything when I heard something. That's how I taught him many sounds.
I hear the train now outside my bedroom window. Reminds me of my son, Damons dad, every time it goes by which is several times a day. We would stop to watch and listen to the train when he was a little boy. He loved trains.
I am so tired most of the time and in pain all of the time. And when I wake up most mornings I wish I hadn't.
I don't want to end up living in a nursing home pumped up with prescription drugs locked up like a zoo animal creature with zero freedom or ability to do anything, zombified until death.
Sunday, May 5, 2024
Beyond Sex
Many things are way beyond Sex and the act is necessary for health and may be solo and fine. No partner needed.
The right partner is nice to have. The wrong ones will ruin your life.
Saturday, May 4, 2024
Truth : I and we don't like it
Would rather believe in lies and fairy tales
I like to believe in the best of all people and things. Truth is the opposite of that
I like to believe in miracles. Those are rare.
I like to think my body will heal it's back, spine, eyes and all . Truth is: it will never be the same, never like it was when I was young
Any word said might be offensive to me or anyone. It might be true and might be false. Either way it could upset someone and I or you never know if what is said is going to be accepted.
A person who amassed a fortune might lose it all with a word.
One might lose their life with a word.
Lots of us don't want to hear truth.
Lots of people don't want to hear me talk.
Friday, May 3, 2024
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND ONE TO HELP, NEVER KILLED
AND HAD TO STAND BY AND WATCH PEOPLE DESTROY THEMSELVES WITH THEIR HABITS IMAGINATIONS FIXED BELIEFS RIGID IDEAS
I AM TIRED OF CRYING FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND LIFE FORMS LIKE ANIMALS
I CANT FIX THESE BEINGS AND HELP THEM
KEY: TO KNOW AND NOT LET ON THAT I KNOW
IN REGARDS TO THE NARC
NARCISSISTS THINK I AM STUPID
THEY THINK EVERYONE IS DUMB AND THEY KNOW IT ALL AND CAN LIE CHEAT STEAL USE AND RUN PEOPLE
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
"Laughing all the way to the bank" is an idiom that means to make a lot of money easily, especially by doing something that others thought was foolish or amusing. It can also mean to be unashamedly pleased at making a lot of money. For example, "You may not think much of this comedian, but he's laughing all the way to the bank".
https://www.google.com/search?q=WHAT+DOES+LAUGHING+ALL+WAY+TO+THE+BANK+MEAN&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS982US984&oq=WHAT+DOES+LAUGHING+ALL+WAY+TO+THE+BANK+MEAN&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCggCEAAYDxgWGB4yCggDEAAYDxgWGB4yCAgEEAAYFhgeMgoIBRAAGA8YFhgeMg0IBhAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMgoIBxAAGIAEGKIE0gEJODU5OWowajE1qAIIsAIB&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
I CRY
I LAUGH
I OBSERVE
I NEED TO BE QUIET AS I WAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
AS I WATCH THEM SELF DESTRUCT
THE PRIDEFUL WHO WON'T LISTEN
PRIDE wont listen
CHUCK STRAND TREATED ME LIKE SHIT. MAY 2014 I WAS HIS CAREGIVER. HE IS DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. ATE TONS OF TRASH PROCESSED SUGARS COOKIES ICE CREAM. USED HIS BROTHER TO PAY HIS BILLS AT HIS HOUSE. CHEAPSKATE TIGHTWAD. VIEWED SEX AS DIRTY.SD WOULD MAKE THE WOMAN GET UP CLEAN UP RIGHT AWAY AFTERWARDS. NEVER MARRIED NO CHILDREN. ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. RIPPED ME OFF 350 DOLLARS PAY FOR THE 5 DAY TRIP I WENT TO TX TO BE HIS CAREGIVER. VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME LYING AND MY HUSBAND NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME.
RICK Z THREW HIS CC IN MY FACE
RICHARD M/WILSON WILL NOT LISTEN TO ME OR ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING. ACTS LIKE HE ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING
MICHAEL S. HAS TO BE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. COVERS EARS WITH HEADPHONES YELLS AT ME I CANT HEAR YOU. I DONT WANT ALOT LIKE CHUCK.TO LISTEN TO YOU I WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS (BS NEWS). ADMIRED CHUCK STRAND. GAVE HIM PORN VIDEOS AND MAGAZINES. WORSHIPS TRUMP WHO CAN DO NO WRONG.
JOHN LAYSON. DEAD AS A DOORNAIL MAY 9, 2023. HOARDED PACK HOUSE FULL. ATE TONS OF SUGAR AND ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS. NO TEETH.
CHRIS/RICHARD RIXNER. JULY 2023 DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE REGARDING FOOD HEALTH EXERCISE OR ANYTHING
Did I step up?
Well, at least he doesnt steal my purse, my money, checks or credit cards directly
He just steals my joy, time, sanity and lacks love and compassion
He does not foster an environment full of education for me so i can earn more money. Like previous relationships he inhibits my school, learning and growth keeping me down so i would only be qualified for low paying mundane jobs in traditional areas. This would not include sales or real estate broker if i could earn my license and be able to drive my vehicle to show houses without him complaining about me using the vehicle. It does not include being an author, entertainment field, modelling my body if i could figure out where.to model and be paid. I can be a caregiver part time but it pays minimum wage
At least he does not rape me, has never forced or coerced sex
He is skeptical, a nervous wreck, sees the bad side of everything, always concerned about the monetary cost instead of looking at each thing as an investment. He even throws a fit about free classes that teach anything.
He keeps his body, hair and teeth fairly clean. He shaves his face. Is this a step up?
Previous 2 husbands and several relationships involved them being bad, dirty stinky unclean body, illiteracy, thieves, criminal activity... unkempt hairy faces, stinking armpits and feet, rotten teeth.
Whatever. I am not looking for a relationship with a man to fulfill me. Its obvious it never happened before with the ones I was with.
No man is going to make me what I am.
If a man treats we well he treats everyone well, if he treats me like shit he treats others like shit as well. Their treatment of others resides in their personal viewpoints of themselves and other people. It has nothing to do with me.
Thursday, May 2, 2024
You are treated according to the other persons internal dialogue
Not according to your position, actions or words
Jump and shake and move fast
Do it slowly if you havent done it in awhile
Gets blood flowing better
Infants babies children youth teens young adults bounce alot
Run job
Dance
On the floor
On the bed
Horizontal bop
Vertical bop
Bunny hop
You talk too much : Translation
Youre honest
You might tell someone something truthful another someone doesnt want anyone to know
You might rat
You might narc
You dont fit in with crims/criminals
You do the right things
You are ethical
You think
Youre real not fake
You investigate
You dont guess
Knowing what I know now through experiences in over 62 years of life/living
I would have waited to have children if I would have had the chance to do so. I might NOT have had children. The curve in my back is so bad now that if I would have known this was gong to happen I would have told myself "You have no business being pregnant and carrying a child full term and then attempting to give birth naturally."
Both pregnancies were sheer unintentional accidents. The only way to prevent pregnancy would have been abstinence. To never allow any sperm to come near by body in any way.
I used birth control. Pills and vaginal inserts. I paid close attention to my periods ever since they began when I was 12 years old. At age 15 my sex life began and I was meticulous at keeping track of the times when ovulation would occur. I had severe pain in either the left or right side as ovulation occurred. I avoided contact with any male a few days before the egg was due to drop.
I got pregnant the first time in late March, 1978 at age 16 . My periods had been very irregular for 3 months due to getting a tubal infection thanks to douching with dish soap at the most stupid ignorant advice of my stepmother. She was mentally retarded and I was ignorant of proper vaginal cleansing at that time. Now I know the only acceptable thing to clean with is plain water.
I went into labor December 23, 1978. The doctor examined me. I was dilated to 5 cm, halfway. Then several more doctors come into the exam room to check my dilation. One doctor said, "We think your baby is breech, the cervix feels soft and we want to get some xrays to be certain. You will need to sign these forms to give us permission to do so as we normally don't xray a pregnant woman."
I signed to form. They took xrays. I saw them and the baby was feet first, head at the top where my diaphragm is. They said "We would like to perform a ceasaeran section. You have never had a child and we feel it would be unsafe for you to try a vaginal delivery. We would have to manually try to turn the baby around into the right position, head first. If we do that there is a good chance you would both die during delivery."
My body endured two ceasearen sections. The long horizontal scar across my abdomen I have is called a bikini cut. My back was curved a little at the time due to scoliosis diagnosed when I was 14.
In the third trimester of both pregnancies I would fall down while I was walking. My right leg would go numb and I hit the ground several times. In the first trimester I peed the bed uncontrollably. I would wake up laying in a wet bed. Pressure on the bladder I suppose.
I was so embarassed at wetting the bed. I never did this before and haven't ever done it when not pregnant. I had no idea what was going on.
Wednesday, May 1, 2024
Person makes sure they get what they want
and focus on what they think is top priority
eg: ex made sure always had porn and pepsi,
I used to write letters.
Some people thought I was very good at it. Mostly and appropriately, the recipients thought so.
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