Friday, August 30, 2024
Thursday, August 29, 2024
My grandson is in living hell. I wish i were rich so i could take care of him
The damage is done. Its permanent. I cant remove it or fix it but i could be there for him.
Father didnt want him. Has been abusive since day one.
My hindsight memories recall incidences that didnt make sense at the time.
Now i am wondering if more illicit things are under cover about to come out, to be revealed. His dad and moms apparent perfect life shattered, blown to bits.
Falling hard it is a long way down from the top of their high status seeking lifestyle. The money, house, cars, real estate, business, career. Expensive everything.
A few years ago he was using his keyboard and said if i ever end up in jail i would be happy playing this making music all day. I said dont say that, dont talk about being locked up. It could happen for reasons i dont know now.
I know he slapped him hard across the face when he was a baby. He admitted doing it once when he had just started walking. Baby would try to slap me when i was holding him, now i know why.
I saw him drop him on the bed from too high up. He held him high up above the mattress about 6 7 or 8 feet and let him drop on his back when he was 1 2 3 years old. He was taken to the doctor for one leg shorter than the other age 2 or 3.
He was age 3 we sat in my van in dollar tree at 89th and wornall parking lot and he kept saying what it feels like to be knocked down to the ground until he asked me to push him until he fell in my van. He cried and I said I am sorry i have never pushed you before and will never do it again then i hugged him and put him on my lap.
Saw him use size 13 foot shove him in the back knock him down when he was 5 6 7 in the kitchen studio garage. Saw him crouch over him hovering yelling too close in his face when he was 3 screaming i hate the way mommy treats you! Saw him punch him in the chest numerous times age 3 4 5 6 7 8 during meal time in the old and new studios, the kitchen, the dining room yelling EAT your food taco bell panda express and other food. He punched him in the chest when he came into his bed room to talk to his daddy on weekend mornings saturday and sunday i was there babysitting. Age 6 i saw him spanking him bare butt had pulled his pants down, on the master bed child yelling no daddy that hurts ! because he cut some of his own hair then he got a hair clipper shaver yelled at him you want a hair cut then he cut his hair short.
He reached his arm behind the drivers seat when child was 6 or 7 doubled up his fist and punched him hard in the leg yelled you dont kick my seats!
He threw the childs picture drawings in the fireplace burning them up yelling no you are not keeping them, they are trash! While child cried his eyes out no daddy no!
Dad yelled you are not using my printer you owe me a dollar for each page you wasted my card stock paper on those pictures you printed!
Child just asked me recently last time i had him if i would get him a printer so he wouldnt have to ask to use theirs and get in trouble. Its not the first time he asked me to get him a printer, hes done it for at least 4 years.
He chases him around uses wrestling hold like full nelson to lock him down so he cant move, says i am bigger than you, you think you can whoop somebody bigger youre stupid.
He tells the boy he is smarter, draws better, does everything better than him.
He pushes competitive sports and behavior upon him.
I saw him force the child age 7 or 8 or 9 to lift weights on bench press at home while yelling Dont talk, it makes you weak!
The child has begged me to stay with him for years. Age 6 he moved all his stuff out of his bedroom said i could have his room wanted me to live there. I said i cant take your room so he said you can stay in the loft. He told me he would be over at my house every night and everyday if i lived closer to him.
A crazy person cant take i dont know for an answer
They insist you know when you dont
They claim you knew this was going to happen, you should have known, you should know better
They claim you planned it out in advance
Regarding things you had no knowledge of , no control over
Wednesday, August 28, 2024
Tuesday, August 27, 2024
Who's screwing who? who really got fu**kked hard up the a** with no vaseline here?
who got hurt? who got shit on and gets mud thrown into her face every single day?
who is not respected? who is mocked, ridiculed, constantly criticized?
who is blocked, stopped, held back?
who is called bad names ? like slut, whore, bitch, idiot, dumb fuck, stupid ass?
who is told on a daily basis she is stupid by her husband ?
who is told she doesn't deserve anything, that she ought to live somewhere with a dirt floor because she is such a worthless piece of shit to him?
who really got the short end of all sticks here?
who lives with and had lived with many total bona fide selifsh perverted criminal minded ass holes?
who has been the biggest fool being nice, understanding, helpful, empahetic, sympathetic, caring to lots of people?
who has worked for nothing or next to nothing and not asked begged or demanded a lot of money from anyone for anything be it work i have done or merchandise i have put up for sale?
who has been slapped, eyes blackened, knocked pushed down to the floor the ground, been kicked in the head and knocked out, raped, shoved, threatened, robbed?
who has lost all stuff she used to own all the way down to the littlest thing like a worthless teddy bear ripped up destroyed by a jealous husband who also destroyed my car that my grandfather bought for me?
who has been fired from jobs, written up for insubordination for standing up for and protecting the rights of other people co workers at the job company corporation?
who has fought the good fight of ethics doing the right things even who no one is looking and in turn been shit on knocked down like the whack a mole hit in the head shoved to the ground for being honest and upright ?
I am tired. So tired of crying. Of caring. NO ONE else cries for me or about anything I am or have been through.
tired of crying for the pain of others ..the things they have gone through, the suffering, the misery, the death they have undergone
all the tears i have cried in my life for empathizing with others are actually completely worthless
they dont give one or two shits about any possible injury or loss i have experienced
in fact they probably rejoice knowing i have suffered or am in pain
We all fall down regardless of how high up we are/were
gravity or whatever force knocks down all things
Female not respected when word gets out she screwed someone other than one man
rumor or not, truth or fiction..when the talking starts about her people believe any type of rotten stuff garbage about anyone especially a female girl woman who happens to be sexually attractive nice looking and desirable by most men
she can be virtuous and good in every other way, being ethical honest reliable hard working on time good mother caretaker of people children adults or animals and keep the house and yard and cars nice and clean...cook great food, work a job ..she can be great in many others ways and once she is labelled a
WHORE
that is the end of her life
she has zero respect from anyone who has heard the tale of her sex life adventures be it true or not
On the opposite end of the spectrum, the male boy man is praised for getting as many girls women or anything into the sack and screwing his brains out regardless of who the fuckmate is or whether or not she gives or gave consent. He gets back slaps and applauds for his "masculine" behavior, his virility, strength, stamina... the marks on his bed post for all of his adventures in the world of attaining sex victims or willing participants ..the more the merrier. The more people think he is such a hunk of big fat dick the more they praise him for being such a "MAN" who conquers all.
If male is useful he gets by with abuse even murder.
Other people overlook his verbal and physical abuse to his wife, kids, children, family when they know he is a handy person to have around who can do things such as fix items, perform manual labor, arrive in an emergency or any type of thing construed as useful and therefore valuable to the neighborhood, the village, the workplace or anywhere else.
She's a simple girl. Every guy wants her.
He chases her. All the guys chase her. She doesn't need or beg for their attention. She's cute she doesn't have to beg anyone for anything ever.
He stares at her. He looks at her when she's not aware, when she's not looking at him. She doesn't run after him to please him or tend to his needs. He begs to tend to her needs and takes care of her. He shows off for her begging to get her attention. He works hard for her, wants to give her money, food and things. She can easily ignore him. This drives him wild.
Like princesses and queens in stories and the movies. Naturally beautiful sweet girls who look far off into the distance; they never stare at someone. They are modest often shy. Blush easily. They look away. Cock their head to the side. Innocence oozes out of them.
She can take care of herself. She is happy and smiling without him. He wants to see her smile. He wants to think he makes her smile.
Money and power
The idea that one has a lot of money and or the idea one has authority changes the attitude of a person quickly.
I remember power dynamics back to my age of 4 when my parents gave me authority over 3 younger brothers . I was the trusted caretaker little mommy of those boys.
I remember my attitude changing when I thought I had money because I had over one hundred thousand dollars worth of credit cards over 20 years ago in 2004, 2005. It was credit which made me think I had power even though I had little money income.
My poor decisions, lack of knowledge, inexperience and living with, working with and associating with people who were on a criminal wavelength instead of an ethical business wavelength lead to my failure and demise beginning in 2008 when the money industry market failed and I hit rock bottom. All my dreams of success hard work and efforts were useless. 2009 my body gave out. I couldn't keep up. Late on a couple of credit cards payments and they closed out my accounts as fast as dominos falling in a game. I was grovelling, sick, humiliated, dependent on the husband. The last thing I wanted to be. I never wanted to be dependent upon anyone.
Where is true power?
Is it only in having a lot of money? Is it physical strength with strong muscles? Is it beauty, talent, intelligence, hard work, commonness, uniqueness, virtues, sins....? Is it your momentary position?
and the winner is... the helpless young female.....with the tiny voice and body
NOT: the working woman who helped him get material things he wants, the woman who fed him, raised him, brought him to the top, the woman who devoted herself to him, loved and supported him. Not the strong one, the one who bore and raised his children. it's the one who caught his eye and his heart. She is passive, he is the aggressor who chased her.
Monday, August 26, 2024
Accept and expect positive things and that is what you will receive. EXPECT NEGATIVE AND YOU WILL RECEIVE
"Accept and expect positive things and that is what you will receive."
-- Lori Hard
WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL
SEEKS AND YOU WILL FIND
Saturday, August 24, 2024
Lichen sclerosus improved. redness much less ..only new thing done recently is eating oranges and watermelon with seeds this week
he got some oranges in a big bag and a watermelon, both fruits with seeds that supposedly came from california state last weekend sunday at swap n shop off 63rd street in kansas city, missouri
I ate 3 oranges first day, last monday and one orange on wednesday i think, yesterday late last night ate some watermelon first time from this one
can't think of anything else different done other than using a small amount of aquphor on personal area 2 nights ago. this lichen redness began around january /february of 2023. doctors diagnosed it with lab skin scraping off my skin and prescribed cortisone ointment which did not fix it ..
Back pain worsened after eating chili late tonight. could be the tomatoes..
will do a tomato only test tomorrow ... one food at a time to check for sensitivity
Friday, August 23, 2024
I used to be that cute quiet little girl
Who desperately wanted to grow up and be a woman
Who was taken advantage of my countless people for various reasons and jobs and duties and used for sex then tossed away like a candy wrapper
Repeat after me: I repeat to myself I will NOT make anyone love me
I will NOT make anyone love me ....regardless of anything I do or how I look or anything about me.
It can never happen by force. Especially if the person is a traumatized narcissist who will never be able to love anyone. All people and things are used as targets to fulfill some desire they have. That is the only thing I am and was to lots of people I have been involved with in my life.
Thursday, August 22, 2024
Respect ended for me years ago.
Cant pinpoint exact date it ended for each person however i realize lots of people i am close to or used to be close to have zero respect for me and it looks like they never will respect me again,
Love means nothing. Respect is everything.
Majority of words and actions are criticism judgments hateful avoidant accusatory
Repeatedly says i cant or dont or fail to understand you why you think or do what you do , i dont want to hear you,
Back pain after eating chili tonight
Severe back pain after eating chili tonight. Had raw carrots and a cucumber with the chili
Had zero food today until after 6 pm when I ate the homemade chili
Used hamburger i cooked yesterday, one can kidney beans, one can chili beans, one 6 oz can tomato paste, home grown tomatoes, whole cumin ground in mortar pestle, williams chili seasonning, chili seasoning salt brand?, home grown banana peppers, one chopped yellow onion, black pepper, garlic powder, ..
Too many different foods eaten at once so i dont know what caused the intense back pain.
Article found stated back pain can be caused from many things.
Tomatoes could be one.
History reveals facts. same patterns in life
He likes cute, quiet, ignorant, silly giggling little girls..that way there is no competition from other men.he doesnt have to do anything to impress them and get what he wants; free sex, a slave, the only things he can think about. He can take advantage of these girls
Once she is aware she begins to talk. To tell the truth. He hates every second of it. He doesn't want to hear about any of his flaws. He wants everyone to think he's perfect. The ignorant innocent sweet thing thinks he is god and can do no wrong because she cant compare him to any other man or woman.
in reality he is a weak rude incompetent fool ..a stupid idiot just like he calls other people
this is the behavior of some men i have known and been with
NOT all men are like this, as I have been discovering over the years. IT is not behavior reserved for men it its the way an insecure immature narcissist sociopath acts, Male or Female
Men in my life are not out for my best interest. They don't care about my health mental or physical.
Longer I live the less I believe in logic
In life forms animals mineral vegetables plants insects any kind
Wednesday, August 21, 2024
Big mistakes I made
Doing any men's work. Dressing up like a man
Arguing with anyone especially fools simple minded narrow authoritarian dictator narcs
Doing anything I am not designed for
Cleaning up behind adults that leave messes when they need to clean up after themselves. I am not a slave or a maid
Associating and or living with self centered ass hole and mean criminal types
Believing thinking I can help someone fix them when they don't need my or anyone else help. They think they are perfect and know it all
He wants easy easiest all inclusive instant food and things
Mls: food instant prepared premade hot pockets pot pies cereal like raisin bran honey nut cheerios. Will not prepare individual items like bran flakes and raisins from another bag or box
drinks aldis green tea sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, bottled premade juices cranberry pineapple anything sweet
spices all in one labeled for certain dishes
Random eating. Eats bites and bits of food and fruit and junk all day long except right before bedtime says can't eat heavy stuff upsets his sleep
mouthwash ..as if that will fix internal stomach intestine problems causing bad breath
toothbrushes buys tons of them
toothpaste many brands tubes
Easy fast access to pussy sex. No commitment no communication no personal involvement no talking
Cover up junk crap. Shove shit in tight places and hide it in cardboard boxes and generic containers or coverings so me or others dont know what it is yet he knows exactly what he put where.
Thinks snaps fingers utters orders should have instant slave response
Concubine
a woman with whom a man cohabits without being married: such as
a
: one having a recognized social status in a household below that of a wife
b
: mistress sense 4a
she is the perfect candidate for him the son who is married to another woman who bore my grandson. this concubine cannot have any more children. therefore he will have no responsiblity for taking care of any more of his children financially emotionally or in anyway. she has 2 boys of her own by 2 separate men before she met him. the perfect sex partner for him he doesnt have to marry or live with 24 hours a day 7 days a week; she stays at his house on weekends and sleeps in another bedroom guest room while his wife is away at work. she is 26 years old; he is 42. she's small thin long dark blonde hair. 'shy', quiet, compliant, laughs giggles alot agrees with him whatever he says and does. she is a shadow, a mere reflection, a person who has zero competition for him but 100% competition with his wife.
Agreeable. Nonthreatening. Is actually the biggest threat to every single thing in his life: career work family home money finances. The wife could take most everything if she wanted to but she either doesn't know this or does not want to. She instead chooses to say she is getting back with an old boyfriend Joseph spelled different.
Tuesday, August 20, 2024
Daily treated like trash: birthday card some money, valentine balloon card, xmas nothing
A couple of times a year i get a card on a holiday stating i am loved. The rest of the days in the year am ignored, pushed away, verbally, physically abused, stonewalled, scapegoated, gaslighted, minimized,
Monday, August 19, 2024
Pathetic whining wimps beat up animals kids old or weaker people
it gives them sense of temporary power because they feel powerless and weak because they dont do anything for anyone unless they think they will gain from it
Take Responsibility for yourself he yelled at me the other night.... He was screaming at himself
this was the friend of my son
a person who has nothing but a pickup truck to his name ...he was giving himself direction trying to find himself his own advice he needs to take....
Saying goodbye to bullying part 1
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/we-can-work-it-out/201303/saying-goodbye-bullying-part-1
saying goodbye to bullying part 1
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/we-can-work-it-out/201303/saying-goodbye-bullying-part-1
Weak is what I must appear to be. Easily attacked by predatory people
those who view kindness as a weakness
bullies, angry jealous men/males, women, females
Anger misdirected displaced eats up the person's life
take out the anger on someone or something which is not the source and you ruin your life and theirs
SCAPEGOAT NO MORE !!!
I will discover the reasons why other people have used me as a dumping ground for their shitty behavior and the first time they do it
they are GONE from my life for good
There is no excuse for treating anyone like a piece of shit doormat cockroach
Sunday, August 18, 2024
Mother haters
my son's best boyfriend is one. my sons, my husband, ex husband are this.
I experienced the intense tequila induced hatred of his own mother and me I never knew he had from the best friend of my son last night. First time for everything. Told me I had no room to talk give advice because my ex husband told him I fucked every man on the street.
Mother haters: Clayton mertz, jimmy grapes, ed mertz, mike stillwell, john stillwell, john layson,
Once respect is killed it's dead forever
Respect is gone for good for me from many people I know.
It will never be regained.
Friday, August 16, 2024
He's angry out of alignment majority of the time
He is accustomed to feeling bad. Negative . Mean. Miserable. Entire family feuds fights controls manipulates hates dominates is full of anger pissed off threatens can't feel joy happiness delight. Can't have fun. Looks for finds bad shit all over. Expects the worst out of people and situations.
Thursday, August 15, 2024
Treatment by men not the number of men
Determines the way a girl or woman acts. Bad treatment by one man ruins the woman versus good treatment by many. Its not how many shes had, its how she is treated.
Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others
"Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others!"
-- Author Unknown
Wednesday, August 14, 2024
He is only interested in the here and now at the moment. Doesn't want to hear history. Ignores fact history repeats itself. Says why do you always have to tell me stories about the past..i don't want to hear it then promptly puts on headphones or earphones to hear the conspiracy news stories about what they say is going on now.
The more sorrow one encounters, the more joy one can contain." -- Kahlil Gibran
"The more sorrow one encounters, the more joy one can contain."
-- Kahlil Gibran
The Mess Maker
Mick makes messes.
He doesn't clean up after himself.
He thinks he's the master and Sad is his slave.
I never tell anyone to smile, how they should feel
Or what they want
They know what they want and need. Newborn infants know what they need. It continues through out their life
Yes or no are not the only answers to any questions
Neither
None
I don't know
Maybe
Undecided
Let's try both
Let's see what happens when I answer a yes or no question with option C (any of the above).
Tuesday, August 13, 2024
Succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed." -- Napoleon Hill
Daily Quotation:
"It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed."
-- Napoleon Hill
Sunday, August 11, 2024
Entertainment via sports tv videos top priorities
And makes life miserable for anyone living with them
Expects me to clean up his messes
dishes, laundry, house, floors, MLS
the entire scheme of all, ECM, JWL
all do the eat and run thing, work on a project then get hungry looking for quick fix food expecting me to work with help alongside him then have to fix a meal taking 30 minuntes to hour and a half or more of cooking time then at least another 30 minutes cleaning up the mess of dishes pots pans countertops
Used flavored coffee additives like coffeemate vanilla or hazelnut
wont add flavorings from natural extracts or honey as a sweetener
Mother's ring with birthstones came up missing
I left it on the kitchen counter at my son's house one evening. I typically took the ring off because I washed dishes everyday I was there watching my grandson.
It was my grandma's specially made ring from her husband my step grandfather. Her 3 children's and my and my eldest son's birthstones were on this gold ring.
She and my eldest son's birthday are in December, the garnet. My birthday is July the ruby. My mother's birthday is in May the emerald. Grandpa and uncle Kenny's are in November the topaz. My uncle Paul's is in March the
2 garnets
1 ruby
1 emerald
2 topaz
Don't move the furniture around he says
Or I might run into something because I am not used to it
Things are fine right where they are. I don't know why you think you have to keep moving things around all the time..
Saturday, August 10, 2024
HE CANT DANCE he watches videos moving pictures instead. HE has no rhythm in the body
jwl loves jazz ...i cant stand most of it got to get away from those tunes of women drolling screaming and that instrument i hate to hear
ecm loves mellow soft rock .... some i like lots of them i turn off immediately when i hear them
mls loves playlists auto made from a music service of new age electronica often slow singing women ....i cant stand it
Friday, August 9, 2024
They seek variety . I sought one. Now I don't want any of them.
Male urge to sex as many females as he can . Wallah prostitution and pornography age old business that can reel in tons of money...
Females usually want one high quality male. Quality males are rare.
Men chase women. It's his nature. If he doesn't chase and lust he's defective. They are poly. Mormons, what ever religion is Iraq guy does it. He told me his father had several wives and it's normal in their country.
Female doesn't chase. Any female that chases male appears desperate. She is never desperate. Plenty of men would do her.
he cant deal with babies or children usu under age of 5 or 6 even older
and he doesnt like them
cuts down efforts of kids calls them names like stupid
he likes premixed ready made instant lots of stuff food etc
mix drinks like bloody mary, margarita mix
spice mixes, anthing premade so he doesnt have to put individual things together
hamburger helper
frozen stuff already made pop in microwave
flavored coffee fake creamers
sweet, sweetened drinks and additives with fake flavor, flavoring, tastes
anything that tastes good regardless of whether or not it is healthy
bbq barbecue sauces
gravy mixed in packages
instant almost any type of beverage or food as long as it tastes good
premade candy bars and cookies and pastries and nut snack mixes that include milk chocolate candy add ons
premade ice cream flavors any kind he thinks tastes good such as butter pecan, heath bar, reeses pieces,
noodle and rice mixes like knorrs or betty crocker or store brand
Seek the perfect person and fail
the one who will meet all of your needs, wants and desires..and i have failed at this every time.
finally realize the person i am seeking is myself. meet my own needs first then i can hopefully help others meet theirs
Thursday, August 8, 2024
Paradox actions opposite of words. Sabotage of self and others
Saying:
"I want you to be happy"
then doing whatever it takes to me me sad, mad, depressed, restricted, controlled, boxed in, unloved, hated, detested, used, worthless
Feeling bad more often than good around someone is
A sign to stay away as much as possible
Avoid them. They can't be pleased with anyone or anything.
Ending the association
Is a way to induce suicide if you stay.
Saw a beautiful body lady this evening standing in line
I saw her backside. I was in the line. Long lean tan legs. Natural looking all over. Not muscular legs. Just thin, smooth and feminine. Delicate.
Long brown straight thin hair going down to her rear end area. Untrimmed shaggy at the ends.
Wearing pink short shorts with matching top. A black top visible on her shoulders under the pink shirt. The shape of underwear could be seen on her fit butt. Very toned looking fanny. Guessing 34" hips. She was about 5'7" ish tall.
Beauty is admired. I enjoy seeing it as much as anyone. I realize I never had legs like that and never will.
Mine are fat and flabby with muscular calves. My skin is blotchy, uneven white tones, has some varicose veins, hairy like an animal on the back of thighs
What I think is strange is what she bought. Kinder chocolate candy eggs and individual bottles of liquor alcohol. Junk trash sugar. I thought she surely isn't eating and drinking that crap. She looks way too beautiful to believe she consumes it. She had credit card and cash. The cashier man smiled and looked at her and laughed while he finished the sale.
My turn came. I told him what I wanted. He got it and never looked at me.
I went out of the store to go to my van and saw this woman standing by her car. Then I saw her face. Just a plain regular looking face. A man was standing by her talking. I think they knew one another. He was in line in front of her buying something and he kept turning around to look at her and talk to her as if he was buying something for her.. almost as if he was asking her permission to be sure he bought the right thing.
Stick on fake fingernails are terrible. They Ripped out my hair on my head
When I go to tie my hair back or touch it the open part of the artificial fingernails on the top of my nails catch my hair and tear it out. Last time I will put those fake nails on. I want to grow my hair longer and not lose so much hair especially unnecessariily like that.
Took me an hour to remove the nails tonight using "professional" acetone nail remover in a plastic container I bought at Walmart tonight.
Remover works great for nail polish. Not for artificial nails. Wouldn't have used those nails if my nail polish would stay on better. Nail polish won't stay on very long due to me washing lots of dishes everyday with dawn dish soap. Dawn soap is the best dishwashing soap I have used however it is not so good on my nails or hands or skin. Use rubber gloves, use a dish brush, use the dishwasher or let him do the dishes--no!
Quit cooking. That would solve all dishwashing problems and save my hands and fingernails that become brittle, peel off in layers, get too soft, dry, crack, snap, break, come off in little sharp shards and basically are ruined. My husband and no husband I have had ever had bad fingernails. No man, in fact, that I have known has had weak soft flimsy nails. Their nails are tough as a rock.
Wednesday, August 7, 2024
In 6 months temperature will be in 20s or below zero February 2025
It's August. Had high 90s temperatures pushing 100
Cooking us humidity was high, sticky feeling skin
Before we know it we'll be frozen half to death. I might freeze can't take the cold , Raynaud's syndrome possibly. Swollen fingers turning purple red almost blue.
I dread October. That's when temps start dropping and everything dies looks dead goes dormant.
Ice and snow cones. It can easily kill. Like very hot temperatures. Unbearable.
Tuesday, August 6, 2024
Conclusions
After all I have been through have decided I'd
rather have my own MONEY to take care of all things I need/want
instead of living with or putting up with anyone else besides myself
LOVE, me loving a person who is on a one way street
isn't worth it. Love does not exist in my life and as far back as I remember it never did.
Monday, August 5, 2024
Sunday, August 4, 2024
He blasts tv internet thru big stereo in living room shit i dont want to hear and knows I hate it
During dinner tonight and been doing for years
Single servings and subscriptions cost the most. Small leaks sink the ship.
beverages drinks cans bottles
food snacks nuts chips jerky meat cheese salad entree
Saturday, August 3, 2024
I know I am not the prettiest smartest or best at any thing
And realize that you think I don't deserve anything because I am not hard working beautiful intelligent rich famous in the news or important
He takes control over everything
And it's a cluster fucking mess of clutter and confusion in each area in the house and in the backyard the sides of the house anywhere the neighbor can't see
Crowded too much stuff
Crammed
Hard to access, get to
Hallways cluttered lined with crap
Can't deep clean anywhere
His bathroom is filthy
His bedroom is dirty
Living room and kitchen and basement and pantry is clutter and dirty as hell
Tosses his dirty clothes on the floor
Garage sale
Furniture choices and layout . Recliner chair (sofa couch equals none ) pictures tables lamps entertainment center tv televisions VCRs reel to reel DVD player CDs tapes vinyl records bedding bed mattress pillows sheets curtains blinds drapes window coverings cardboard
Appliances: microwave refrigerator stove toaster kitchen utensils containers bbq charcoal grill smoker lawn furniture chairs
All house cleaning micromanaged
Garage 2 car fully controlled by him
Yard machines lawn mower weed
Friday, August 2, 2024
You don't have to do a damned thing but die. Everything else is a choice.
I told john on his death bed when he was insisted that he had to get a certain thing done (taxes)
Thursday, August 1, 2024
Wannabes and doers
Want to be looks at and goes to events . Groupies cheerleaders fawners dreamers
Doers do it
Imitation and individuation
Be everybody and fail
Be yourself and win
My schedules are a complete mess: eating, sleeping, doing anything.
thanks to living with this insanity
He called me a nutcase for wanting to be happy and not focusing on conspiracy theory "news", the "truth", "what is going on in the world" like he does for hours everyday.
It was Tuesday night, July 30th, 2024 when he spouted off this nonsense to me. Who is the real "nutcase" here?
Male group protects one another.
supporting one another in their ventures, activities, hobbies
men pat each other on the back
will cover and lie for one another
compete to see who is smarter, tougher, stronger, faster, better
they learn their level and stick with men of similar number
admire respect the higher level man who is smarter, tougher, stronger than them
disrespect the weaker males
He does exactly what he wants regardless of anything I want.
Steps over boundaries
Won't listen
Follows media hype
Believes in lies
Gullible
Controlling
Likes constant outside stimulation of senses: sight, sound, taste, touch, smell.
I prefer to eat alone, focus on the food. I always have. If the company is good I will enjoy both.
If there is only bad company available I would rather eat by myself in peace.
Total submission is impossible.
Even though many have supposedly sacrificed themselves by submitting to some one, some thing or some god, they never did. They would rather die than submit and lose their individuality. Suicide is proof is this.
Advice, right and wrong followed and not taken
RIGHT ADVICE NOT TAKEN
Grandma
"You should not do heavy lifting. You should never do men's work. Your body is not built for it. You are a girl, a woman, a young lady. You will break your back."
"Don't tell a man everything. In fact don't tell him anything. Less he knows the better."
"Go to school. Get a college degree, a good education. You won't and don't need a man."
"Never become hard, tough acting trashy woman."
WRONG ADVICE taken from him and media, advertising, movies, people that don't know any better
working at jobs I am not suited for
listening to other people instead of myself
cutting connections with good people