Genius Types – Signs of Insecurity
Genius Types – Signs of Insecurity
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Signs of Insecurity
One of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be respected by others.
A person who is insecure finds difficulty in many aspects of life. Since most people are insecure, a person who is secure has power and influence over others; even if they are not otherwise powerful.
Coming to terms with who you are is the first step in obtaining happiness in life. The sooner you realize that happiness is something that you decide internally, and not something that you get from people or posessions; the sooner you will be able to create your own destiny.
A Lifelong Process
Everyone has some form of insecurity. It’s almost impossible to be 100% free of doubt. There have only been a handful of people throughout history who have obtained this level of confidence, and most of them have gone on to be great spiritual leaders. Now, we look up to them as role-models.
Confidence is usually a gradual process. It often comes with age and wisdom (although some people never find it). Those who work on themselves and gain confidence early on will have a much easier time navigating the challenges of life.
Insecurity is Destructive
Even though none of us are perfect; it’s easy to spot those of us who are overly insecure. Extreme insecurity is usually marked by an obsession with gaining the approval of other people. This level of self-doubt is extremely destructive to a person’s life and is often the root of almost all their problems.
More specifically, secure people find validation from within; while insecure people attempt to find validation from sources outside themselves. This external search for security manifests itself in two major ways:
1. A person becomes
overly selfish
. While both sexes engage in this sort of insecurity, men are slightly more likely to choose this route. A selfish person attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions, accolades, and attention.
2. A person becomes overly accomodating. Once again, this form of insecurity is common in both sexes, but women are slightly more likely to choose it as their primary mode of compensation. An overly accommodating person attempts to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them.
A Matter of Energy
I read one of the most eloquent explanations of why people behave the way they do in a book called The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield. It’s a fictional adventure that tries to explain a few things about reality. The basic gist of the book is that we are all connected by an energy.
I read The Celestine Prophesy over ten years ago, and back then most people saw it as a little hokey. Today, the idea that energy connects us all is becoming mainstream, especially with the advancement of quantum physics and the cultural phenomenon The Secret.
Here’s the basic idea:
People need emotional energy like they need air. Scientists have found that infants respond dramatically to human touch, and will almost “starve” without it. Quality relationships have been found to be a better indicator of good health than smoking status, weight, or genetics. Even though we can’t quantify it, this emotional energy is a very real and important part of our lives.
As children, we get our emotional energy from our parents; just like we get food, water, and shelter. Just as food provides nourishment for our bodies, emotional energy nourishes our souls; giving us confidence and security.
A person has made a successful transition to adulthood when she has learned to provide food, water, and shelter for herself. By the same token, she hasn’t fully matured until she has also learned to provide emotional energy for herself.
Many people never learn to produce their own emotional energy and continue to seek it from other people, even into adulthood. When they are around others, they draw energy from those around them to fill their void. This burden of energy fatigues the people around them and causes conflict.
Conversely, a person who has learned to create their own energy is free to give the excess to other people.
Signs of Insecurity
Here are some common signs that indicate insecurity:
Defensiveness
Insecure people tend to be very sensitive to critique and respond with defensiveness. They aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to accept that they might be flawed.
A secure person can handle criticism. They’re open to hearing about ways they might improve. If they disagree with the criticism, they don’t try to argue because they’re happy with who they are.
They’re comfortable enough to be themselves, even if other people don’t like it. They realize that they can’t please everyone.
Can’t Enjoy Silence
Some insecure people just can’t deal with silence. They fill every void with meaningless chatter, almost to avoid having to reflect on themselves. The unfortunate consequence is the annoyance of everyone around them, who secretly look for an escape.
A secure person can tolerate, and often enjoys silence. If they are with someone else, they have the ability to let someone else talk without having to interject their own perspective.
Excessive Joking
Another coping mechanism for insecurity is constant joking. While a sense of humor is almost necessary for emotional health, the excessive joker doesn’t seem to know the limits of appropriateness. (Think Michael Scott on “The Office.”)
It feels good when everyone laughs at your joke, and an insecure person craves this sort of attention. The unfortunate consequence is an uncomfortable environment and an insensitivity to others.
Jokes are almost always more funny when they are well-timed and delivered by a person of confidence. Security gives you the ability to be sensitive of others; knowing what they would consider funny and what they would consider offensive.
Self-Promoting
Insecure people tend to talk about themselves constantly, as if they feel like they have to prove themselves. Self-promotion is paramount to over-compensation for doubt.
A confident person doesn’t need to promote himself. His qualities are displayed naturally by the way he lives his life. Besides, he doesn’t need validation from anyone anyway.
Bullying
Insecure people feel threatened by others, and one way to cope with this is to try and squash them. The most threatening person of all to an insecure person is a secure person, because they can sense their power.
Overly Authoritative
Insecure people in positions of power tend to compensate for their lack of confidence by taking out their frustrations on their subordinates. They might issue unfair punishments or orders as a way to prove their authority.
I once had a boss who took joy in screaming at his employees, even for minor offenses. Once, I overheard him speaking to another manager about picking someone to fire for the fun of it. This kind of excessive authoritativeness is an obvious over-compensation for insecurity.
Overly Competitive
Competitiveness is part of a healthy emotional makeup, but over-competitiveness is a sign of a problem. Someone who can’t take losing by making a big emotional display lacks confidence.
A person who is secure with himself wins or loses with grace. Grace has a lot to do with respecting your opponent, and you can only do that if you are first comfortable with yourself.
Materialistic
A very dangerous coping mechanism for insecurity is buying things you can’t afford just to show off. We can all think of people with huge TV’s, fast cars, and every toy known to man; even though they don’t make much money. People like this tend to run up their credit cards and get themselves into big trouble.
A secure person doesn’t need to show off. He doesn’t care what other people think about his possessions.
Insecurity in Relationships
Insecurity tends to be amplified in relationships. In this situation, there is a constant struggle for control and energy.
Interestingly enough, people tend to be attracted to other people at the same level of security. Insecure people tend to find other insecure people to date, and secure people tend to date other secure people.
A healthy relationship is made up of two secure people who create their own emotional energy and give to their partner. An unhealthy relationship is made up of two insecure people who take emotional energy from their partner.
Men
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
Women
Here are a few signs of insecurity for women in relationships:
Stays in Abusive Relationships
Remember how insecure people tend to be attracted to each other? Unfortunately, this means that abusive men end up with women who take the abuse.
Have you ever known a woman who has had a string of abusive boyfriends? She ends up falling for one after the other. She has so little confidence that she is convinced that it’s her fault.
A secure woman isn’t afraid of leaving an abusive man. She knows that she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She creates her own emotional energy and therefore she will be fine on her own.
Overly Sexual
Sexuality is a very powerful force, as evidenced by the amount of sexual images in our media. Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women. Some women learn that they can get a lot of attention from men by flaunting their sexuality.
An insecure woman who is seeking constant validation from others relies on her sexuality as a crutch. It becomes her main source of emotional energy and begins to define her.
A secure woman doesn’t need constant validation. She is confident enough to define herself in many dimensions; not just one.
Work on Yourself
A common thread in much of the success literature that I have read is the necessity of becoming independent before entering into relationships. If I had to recommend one book to help someone become more secure with themselves, I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
He talks about achieving private victory before you achieving public victory. He talks about the process of going from dependence to independence to interdependence.
Insecurity can be highly destructive, especially if you don’t understand it. Many insecure people find scapegoats for their problems, never realizing that they are causing the problems themselves.
The beginning of security is learning to laugh at yourself, realizing that no one is perfect.
By GeniusTypes.com|August 20th, 2007|Creative Life, Philosophy, Relationships|151 Comments
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151 Comments
Alice October 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm - Reply
All these characteristics remind me of a couple I know. Constantly arguing and bickering over petty things. I was trying to hang out with the girl of the couple, have a few drinks and catch up, but her boyfriend FLIPPED saying ‘you cheated on me before, you’re going to do it again.’ and straight out told her no. Then she broke up with him and SURPRISE, they’re back together. It’s like if she cheated on you and you can’t trust her to even go out with a girl friend of hers, why stay?!?!!?! They always try to get money out of everyone and say I’ll pay you back…I or a friend of mine have never seen a dime back. He’s dropped out of college twice, works at a dead end job but continues to say how he wants his own business. She’s probably had 10 jobs the past year and is about to quit her current one and go to another job. She works over 40 hrs a week and her check is usually gone within two days and then asks for gas money to hang out when she offered to be the driver. I work 25 hrs a week and save $300/month and pay for my own everything…I just don’t get it. It’s been an on and off friendship for quite sometime and whenever we start talking again, she starts hanging out & talking to MY friends like they’re super close and doesn’t bother to call me. And they always, ALWAYS try to one up my boyfriend and I when we do nothing to initiate it. I’m starting school in December for graphic design and am currently a receptionist. He’s a contract worker and going to school for programming…yeah. It’s just ridiculous and I have no idea why we always end up talking to them again because all it becomes is petty drama and them initiating some ‘I’m better than you’ competition. Ugh.
Jenny August 23, 2012 at 11:46 am - Reply
I never been insecure through out my life but I’ve been always a victim of insecure people.I’m so much fascinated with this article because it answered all my queries about my husband’s ex gf attitude and behaviors towards me.I tried to understand her and just kept quiet of what she’s posting on her fb against me, she was never contented saying malicious words against me and posted a picture of someone and said am as ugly as that girl in the picture,I never knew all these things when she didn’t add some of my friends in my friendslist,my friend whom she happened to add copied and saved all his posts on her fb and I was so shocked that she even included my son.She’s been posting nude and daring photos of her and posting on her fb wall then sharing it to my friends whom she added.At first I just laughed on it but then I was really alarmed when she posted on her fb wall saying that I can use her sexy undies which she left in my husband’s condo before and even said that she has a bigger boobs than me.I emailed her then fortunately she’s online.I chatted her and said please if you have problems on me or if I did something wrong to you,speak to me directly I confronted her and asked her why are you saying things against me which are not true in your fb wall and all she said was WHATEVER….Now I understand she’s really in a state of being insecured..
who knows? August 19, 2012 at 11:50 am - Reply
all my life ive tried to talk to woman or a woman, to go out with one, or a relationship with one,to no avail.
are they all in a hurry or wanting a loser,or hang out with the snob crowd?
or the cocky arrogant ones that have nothing inside but talk stupid cute words.
no matter where i go i see ones taken by the nobody type guy or the guy that is wayyy overconfident,or one sided with no personality. or tact.
actions speak louder than words,and I swear up and down that all they want is a fantasy or a fun type thing with no responsability,or the stupid partys at the the slightest whim.
I MEAN OK,,,,,WHAT DO WOMAN WANT?
DO THEY WANT NONCOMMITAL THING,OR A SELFISH PERSON,OR MONEY OR
ACT STUPID ALL THE TIME TO GET ATTENTION?
IVE ABOUT HAD IT WITH THIS JUNK.
Scott Dixon August 19, 2012 at 10:41 am - Reply
I read this entire article with my mouth hung open in amazement of how accurately these statements reflect a co-worker of mine who used to be a friend. I really feel the urge to send him this link even though we are not friends anymore. This article could really help him I think, but I don’t believe its worth my energy. Thoughts anyone?
GT August 19, 2012 at 11:02 am - Reply
Unsolicited advice rarely helps… People change when they are ready.
enlightened August 17, 2012 at 1:17 am - Reply
Thanks and great, I feel more secure, lucky to have read this at right time, or may have lost a relationship..
joan August 15, 2012 at 5:19 am - Reply
i just dont like the idea that parents just stays together for the sake of a child and they dont really get along, it would be better for the child to be given or adopted? i dont know, just think so…
Belle August 8, 2012 at 4:39 am - Reply
I believe I have an insecurity problem, but its difficult to understand. I’m 19, and I honestly belive I’m a good person, with good morals and I’m kind and respectful to everyone. I had a very sheltered childhood up until I turned 13, when I started highschool (the first schooling I’ve received). I have gotten over a lot of the fears of public interaction, and consider myself comfortable for the most part now. I guess my issue with insecurity is within my own personality. I don’t know why really. I feel confident in who I am, but at the same time I’m not. After I graduated highschool in 2010 I’ve lost contact with all my old friends. I blame myself for that. I’ve never gone to a big highschool party, I feel intimidated by it. I get very comfortable at work, and sem very confident. But I feel constantly reminded that I don’t have friends when I’m at work and everyone talks about drinking, river trips and bestfriends. I feel like I can pretend to have a lot of friends when I’m there, because noone knows. This bothers me and makes me feel insecure. I still text/talk to old friend on facebook from time to time. But I feel like my family is all I have, and were very close. If this sounds confusing, its because it is. If not, I would seriously love for someone to reply. I know the root to my insecurity in who I am to other people comes from how I grew up. Please someone give me some insight on this, I don’t want to be that person who over anylizes peoples thoughts about me and things I say. I always do and it drive me crazy. Someone reply, as I don’t feel I got the closure I need from this article although it was helpful to read. I also book marked this.
Shannon July 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm - Reply
I was in a relationship with my bf–I am 32 and he is 47–and things were great starting out. Over time, I realized being with him just left me drained. He was extremely pessimistic–I mean, there was nothing I or anyone could do to convince him of a positive outcome. For instance, I decided to go back to school for another degree, but I was having difficulty getting accepted. I kept trying, but he was convinced I wasn’t going to get it. Imagine his surprise when I got the acceptance letter that informed me I was on the waiting list. Of course, he accused me of pulling some strings to get my name on the list. Or the time when I went to pick up some takeout for dinner and I got my order free because I was the 1000th customer that day. My bf was convinced I was sleeping with the manager and nothing could convince him otherwise.
He constantly accused me of seeing other men; every time I turned over in bed, he was on me, constantly asking questions. “What are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you turning over?” He asked so many senseless questions, it drove me nuts. And jealous? I couldn’t walk around the house without him coming to look for me or leave for a few minutes without him asking me where I’d been or where I was going. He would even have a friend, a guy renting a room in the house, to go places with me; he said it was to keep me company, but I know it was to make sure I was going where I said I was going and to make sure I wasn’t going off to be with another man. I couldn’t even go to work without being accused of something. Around May, I got tired of it and by June, I just stopped all relationship activity: sex, eating together, talking and even sleeping in bed with him. I would stay up all night and sleep during the day so I could be alone and he would come in and wake me up, kissing all on me and badgering me to wake up and spend time with him. He complained about my studies, always telling me to “move my junk” from his side of the bed. I just couldn’t take it anymore when one night I’d done laundry and he got into bed and pulled the fitted sheet from off the mattress and got under it and I asked him why was he under that sheet. Before I could finish my thought, he blew up. “Because I want to be under the fucking blanket.” I was floored. I told him it was unnecessary to even come at me like that and he blew me off. He always thinks he knows what I want and what I’m thinking and he’s never wrong; according to him, I don’t like to admit he’s right and he knows what’s in my mind and what I’m thinking and what I want and he never lets me finish a sentence because he thinks he knows what I’m trying to say and then we argue when he does that. I got so sick of him that I stopped talking to him, preferring to spend my time in another city just for the break. While there, I decided to get my own place. I got an apartment and I left. He swears I came here to be with another man. I came here to get away from him. I don’t have friends, so I decided to put out an ad to meet fellow psych/nursing majors for a few new brains to pick and he got on and responded and pretended to be a 23yo college student majoring in psychology. He was angry and accused me of seeing other men and I just told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, that he was driving me crazy and draining me with his negativity and pessimism. I told him I was sick of him always up under me and demanding to know every thought in my mind and insisting on knowing every move I make. So I left and now I am in my apartment and feeling free. I can watch whatever I want on television because he isn’t here to criticize what I like or call me stupid for liking what I like or pointing out why I should like this or that show and why my shows are stupid. I couldn’t do anything and I was tired of it, tired of him. He was raggedy and had no ambition and it bothered him that I did and he tried to stop me from going to school, but I still went and he was angry when he learned I did. He thinks college is all hype and it’s a waste of money and no one should bother with it, but I ignored him and I did what I wanted. I didn’t need his approval or acceptance because I am fine the way I am. Being alone doesn’t bother me because I would rather be alone than to be with someone like him.
a recovering insecuritic June 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm - Reply
Liddybet, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope you will find your happiness.
Phil, your girlfriend reminds me of my ex-gf. She was full of contradictions between showing extreme passion and coldness. I loved her dearly and wanted to commit to her but she ran away instead. It takes two to be in a relationship and if my experience is any guide I don’t think your relationship will work. I’m sorry to say.
This article helped me uncover some of my own insecurities that I have been trying to address. It’s really helpful to read all of your stories. Thank you, All.
Michelle June 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm - Reply
I have lot of sex not because I am insecure but because I like sex.So having alot of sex isnt always insecurity it can be a sign of confidence to OWN IT-your sexuality is yours.Making fun of others for what they do or look like or if they are different is definitely a sign of “insecurity”.That being said pointing out insecure people and segregating them into a labelled group that separates “us” from “them” is not really about them .When you point out the flaws of others its something wrong in yourself.I say love everybody insecure or not who cares what they do they are just people who act different.Get over it.Insecure people try to “fix” others…seems a bit of a paradox doesn’t it?
oxymoronic situation.
Marie June 18, 2012 at 6:59 am - Reply
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 yrs. Me 34, him 39. The first 2 yrs was like a full out blown away romance novel..both of us going threw divorces..this new found love was unexpected and fun. We moved in together within 6 months..we have 4 children between us. And although that was an adjustment, I feel like we are finally making it work in that aspect. But about a yr ago things seem to have changed. I had lost a bunch of weight when we started dating and I felt fabulous! He made me feel great, and very sexy. I decided to get a breast reduction..and it seems like a few months after that everything changed. Why? I’m not too sure. I speculate its because I felt good! I could actually go to a store a buy a “normal” bra. So, I do not have a “bikini body” but I bought one for the first time in my life to wear outside on our deck. But he seems to have gotten very insecure and slightly jealous. He likes my “new” found breasts..but he doesn’t want me to wear tank tops, bathing suits that show any cleavage..etc..says it makes him feel uncomfortable. This has been a major issue with us over the yr. His insecurities are wearing thin on me. I don’t dress provocative in any way at all..but he told me I needed to dress more modest!! I was very hurt. I love him. I reassured him I dress the way I do because it makes me feel good. And I want to look good for him. He LOVES looking at other women. Just doesn’t want any other man looking at me. Its hurt my pride. This person that I’ve had this whirlwind romance with..someone that I thought and still hope to spend the rest of my life with is managing to ruin my self esteem. And that hurts! I’ve worked so hard to establish that over the last few yrs. We’ve been to counselling and our therapist said he is acting like an adolecent! But he just says this is who he is and he will never change..is this true? Do I give up on almost the four yrs of establishing our life together over something like this? I’m almost always concious of showing my cleavage because I don’t want to piss him off. My friends are telling me that we are starting to be that couple that show up at a party wondering if we are going to fight or not..because something will tick him off and he’ll start an arguement or just leave me there. I’m too old for this. Having been through one divorce, I want a relationship that has trust and respect for each other..I know he loves me..but he wants to keep me “hidden” away..so to speak. I welcome ANY positive suggestions. Thanks!
Saira June 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm - Reply
all the signs of an insecure person that you listed are absolutely true.I recently had contact with my ex boyfriend.First he said that he likes me and he wants to be back with me then later he started making me jealous of his new girlfriend by mentioning her every time and showing me his pictures with her.He has all the signs that are mentioned.I will try to tell him and help him but if he will continue to make me jealous then because of self esteem i have to get away from him.As seeing your ex with another girl is definitively not a good experience trust me.Thanks again.The article really helped.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ June 15, 2012 at 6:16 am - Reply
my boyfriend started out with me as something so special i could see it in hs eyes then when i fianally fell in love things changed big time . he took full advantage of me. he does little things that hurt my feelings and when i want to talk he gets mad and walks off. i mean everytime . i asked why he does this for 6 years now and still nothing. we are apart now and it was his choice. its like he had to have me then because i want this answer to my only question he says he wont ever answer it. its very hard either he used me hes afraid to love me cause he might get hurt. hes very shy and i was so proud of his love at the start now im shamed of the way he treats me . he acts its all my fault and tells so many lies excuses its unreal.i wanted to help him hes so unreal . its like the closer we got the more rude things hed do. im hurt to know end oh and i must say we were friends first for 20 years. hes done everything i never dreamed hed be able to do. to leave me would be fine but he will not give me an explanation as to why. im in the dog house everyday. ive never been able to be mad cause if i am hes madder and storms out and then egnores me for a day or two and fianally it turned in to weeks monthes a whole summer. hes hiding from something.aND DEEP INSIDE I THINK HE ADORES ME . BUT ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH AND ONE DAY HE BROUGHT ME A NEW MOWER AND AN ICE CREAM BUT STILL SILENCE IS ALL I GET . IT DOESNT SHOW MUCH RESPECT AT ALL FOR ME ITS LIKE IT DONT MATTER I HURT HE CONTINUES WALKING AND EGNORES ME SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO ANSWER. MY QUESTION IS THIS THEY SAY SOMETIMES INSECURE PEOPLE DONT REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY HURT THE ONE THEY LOVE BUT YET SAYS BEWARE THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO . IF HE KNOWS WHAT HES DOING THEN I DONT MEAN MUCH TO HIM IF HE CANT CUT THE BULL AND BE REAL . ITS LIKE ME HURTING MAKES HIM FEEL GOOD IN A SICK WAY. PLEASE HELP ME . THE DEPRESSION OF THIS IS OVERWELMING BUT YET I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN HELP HIM OR JUST WALK ON. BEINGS WE WERE FRIENDS IT HURTS WORSE CAUSE I NEVER DREAMED HED HURT LIKE HE HAS ,OH YES HESAYS HE HAS 0 COMPASSION FOR ME . ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM AND HIS SELF PITTY. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY IM CUTTING HIM DOWN AND IM ONLY EXPRESSING HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL. :( ADVICE PLEASE): PS HE NEVER WILL SAY HES SORRY AND I THINK THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTS WHAT HE DOES WRONG AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY HES GONE. IF HE HAD ONLY SAID SORRY I WASNT THINKING OR THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME ANYTHING TO SHOW HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP AND FEELS BAD BUT NEVER IT TURNS OUT TO BE MY FAULT ALWAYS.PSS. IM BEGGING TO KNOW THE ANSWER AND MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP ME TO MOVE ON OR TO HELP ME STOP FEELING LIKE AN UNWANTED PIECE OF SHIT. HE KEPT ME HANGING ON BY THINGS SUCH AS THE MOWER , BUT NO COMPASSION IS KILLING ME MENTALLY AND PSYICALLY
arnie June 11, 2012 at 3:04 am - Reply
I am an insecure person. I grew up being ridiculed all the time. I didn’t hear any words of approval from my parents. When other people would say I am pretty, my parents would say I’m not. I never heard any complement from them.
Now I have a son, I want to make him feel secure and loved. I promised to myself that I will never raise him the way I was raised.
I am thankful I read this article, this is a very big help to me.
keyanna white June 1, 2012 at 10:32 pm - Reply
wow i just want to say thank you so so much for this article. I was looking up signs for men being insecure because my boyfriend is acting like he is and what i found out was i am the same way… didn’t know i was insecure unless i just didn’t want to admit it .. :/ Please Help me so that i can help my boyfriend.
Katie May 13, 2012 at 10:02 am - Reply
I am completely insecure, and i cant even tell you why, I was raised to be a very independent person and in life have ended up being a very co-dependent person, I have been in a relationship for 4 years, and my boyfriend points out my insecurities often, the biggest one is that we dont see each other as often as we use to, he works lots, and i just recently moved, and now were 3 hours away from each other, which makes my insecurities worse, he likes to make jokes that can be funny, and at times are not funny, my insecurities feed on them, the biggest one i have, is that im afraid he is going to find someone better than me, and i do a lot of those things mentioned, i over accommodate with him constantly, he knows if he needs help with bills, or anything really he can call me and ill be right there with help, I am really just afraid i am going to lose him, and i know he doesnt go out, and if he does it is rarely, but still in my head if i dont get the chance to talk to him every day via text or phone call, i am freaking out, my head starts thinking things, like i wonder who he is with, is he really even at work, what is he doing that is so much more important than answering my phone call, or why is it that you dont bother to call me, I mean he does call me, and he will say things like this is what i did today, and this is what happened, which its almost like a play by play, which is helpful, because like i know nothing bad is happening, and he does call and say things like just calling you so you dont freak out since we havent talked in a day or two, i understand he does have a life he has hobbies and things, but he is pretty much the loner time, he doesnt like to go out because there is people, he really just goes to work and goes home, he works 6 days a week, and 12 to 15 hour days, so he is pretty tired by the end of the work day, he gets one day off a week, and he may hang out with a friend of his, who they go to comic shows together or movies, I mean he and his friend Bill, do a lot together, like for fact they are going to go catch a movie together today, but my bf is going to go to the beach this after noon and walk, well the beach by himself makes me a little insecure a bunch of girls in swimsuits strutting around him, but after reading this i really dont think a book is going to help you get over an insecurity its something you have to learn to do on your own, and I am really trying but it is so difficult to not want to just call him and be like whats going on, he is trying to be more helpful with everything because he knows it exists, but i guess there are times when he makes jokes that effect it more so, but i am working on it by myself, and learning to just be okay, and not stress so much
Jeff April 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm - Reply
Am I insercure or did I have a reason to be?So my ex girlfriend is back in the picture and wants to get coffee and ‘Talk’,Now I have know her for almost eight years now.We dated for almost two years and when we dated in was intense and powerful.I think we spent to much time with each other and relied on each other way to much.She also got pregnant and had an abortion because I was to “childest” in her words being I like to play rugby and race cars..I was insercure when we dated but I think I had reasons to be.Why would a girl bring a change of clothes including under wear to hang out with her “guy friend”?She also has a lot of guy friends that I know what to have hooked up with her.I’m older now since we dated we broke up almost five years ago and I dont think I can handle the guys in her life.Also she likes to go clubbing and drink,both things I dont do or like to do.I get a rush from going 155+mph and not drinking.I would rarther spend my saterday night working on my car or going to the gym then go out and drink and get in a fight.Oh she is 22 and I will be 24 in June maybe thats why we fight?She talks to my mom and says she loves me and all of that stuff,but if you love some one you dont cheat.I think my insecuritys are partly seeing how my parents are.They live in the same house but sleep in separet rooms and do not talk to each other.Other then yelling at each other.The only reason there are living in the same house is because of my young brothers and sisters
Sorry for the long post and thanks for the help
Cindy Hayen March 18, 2012 at 10:36 am - Reply
Great article Brian. I’m glad I came across it. Insecurity is very prevalent in many people and at the root of many of their perceived problems in life, such as relationship issues, addictions, depression, anxiety, and a general unhappiness in life. Thanks for writing a very informative article!
Jorge Medina March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am - Reply
I love this very simple, direct article on insecurity. I have dealt with this throughout most of my life and Im starting to see the negative effects of this in my quality of life and the future. Im 36 years old right now, and Im wondering if it is getting too late for me. Please help! :)
Anthony Hopkins February 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm - Reply
In response to the commenter who mentioned certain people were getting their “panties in a bunch” about the overly sexual part: Nice opinion, but I’m not sure what a woman being “overly sexual” WITHIN a relationship actually means. Is it dressing in a way that provokes sexual excitement? wanting a lot of sex?
Can you clarify? I’m mainly asking for clarification as to why a) there’s no counter-point in men in the most obvious corollary of being flashy and materialistic for women and b) why this is mentioned for women specifically within relationships.
I’m confused because for many women, I think a big part of being in a relationship is the ability to be sexual often and frequently — with lowered health risks and increased emotional satisfaction. Yes, there are women who undervalue their bodies and give sex to the wrong people in hopes that they’ll return the favor (they won’t), but simply creating a category of female insecurity called “overly sexual”… comes off a little judgmental… and insecure.
Liddybet February 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm - Reply
Phil January 14 2012 – it may sound funny coming from me – but infidelity is not something I have to deal with.
Your ‘girlfriend’ is not very loyal to your affections. I don’t know that there is a pill to make her love you and be faithful as well.
If you are as nice and patient as you say then I would be throwing those pearls at the feet of a woman who appreciates them.
I was once advised that people are sometimes the product of what we allow them to do. So, maybe in our own ignorance at the time, we bear some responsibility for who they become,
I had tried to make up for his ‘lack’ in our relationship = thinking that I would put in 75 percent to make up for his 25 percent. A much older man in his late 60’s asked me what percent we should put into a marriage or in your case a relationship. I answered with 50% each – He said no it is 100% each. I then saw the connection between what I had been allowing him to be.
If LOVE is your strength then allow it to make the right decision and not to be your weakness. If you show love and they leave you – then you know how they value it. If you show love and they stay – then you once again know where you stand. That’s my theory. Love will eventually win if you make your decision based on its strength.
noon February 9, 2012 at 1:18 am - Reply
I am 34 years old & i had spent the last 20 years struggling & trying to figure out why i am behaving like that!! i finnally discovered that i am extremely insecure, i used to be scared of failures not for the sake of success but because i am scared about what people will think – and say- about me if i failed..i do notaccept my self as it is & i have a very bad self image, always trying to loose weigh to look better although i am not overweight…my husband is a very secure man & he loves me but I am turning his life into a living hell!! .
i bought (the 7 habits) 3 years ago but i did not read it!! thank you…
Mike M. January 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm - Reply
“Some people refuse to be swayed into opinionated conversation (Insecurity), some consciously/subconsciously choose when they’ll be swayed while engaging in opinionated conversation (Semi-security), while others allow free thought, free expression, and freedom to envelop/evolve their liveliness dynamically (Self-security).”
I would like to thank you Brian Lee for the thought-provocation, the article was read due to a poll I started on facebook and subsequently spawned a public post folling the poll on facebook. Thanks again.
Liddybet January 27, 2012 at 10:12 pm - Reply
i have been married to one for 30 years. I read this yesterday and ticked all the boxes. I married when 18 he 25. I left in first 18 months. He was miserable to be around and it seemed that I was the cause of it. He drove me home! that’s how controlling he was. I never realised how much he took notes on where I was, when I came back home and not wanting me to work. I now realise that it was so that I was in his control all the time.
If i bought a gift – he would complain. If I saved for a table or a lounge chair – he was not happy. If I bought shoes – he would say I have enough. It was fine for him to come and go around his farm but I had to account for everywhere I went. I mistook it for general interest – it wasn’t.
I became the subject of his jokes and put downs. My family stopped visiting as they wanted to hit him as he was always putting me down.
thirty years later, everyday is about him. Every hour is about him. He tells me that I do not cook proper food if anyone became sick in the house. I cook fresh all the time. I am a good cook.
If i tried to keep the family car clean – I was criticised. Everything I do is criticised. He interrupts me when I speak, so now I sit and listen, sometimes for three hours whilst driving over our farm, and don’t say a word – he does not even notice that it is a one way communication. He never lets me finish a question that he asks.
He fixes things around the yard now and then and never lets me forget about it for the the next week. He wakes me every morning with either turning on the radio or bringing me a cup of something to drink. i want neither. It is about waking me because he is awake. I talk of times between 5.30am and 6.00am.
He asks where I have been if I get up in the night to go to the toilet. I may have a stomach ache and be there longer than normal – he notices that the bed is cold. he goes to bed at 8.30pm nearly everynight. I watch TV til 11pm just to have a brain drain without hearing his ongoing self chatter. He will stomp up the passage and look in the loungeroom and grumble at me still being up. He is always right. He is also very, very intelligent and a very accomplished farmer and businessman. He has got worse over the years. What use to happen as put downs occaisonally, are now daily. My emotions are extrememly bruised. He makes me weep often – daily sometimes three times a day. He treats our sons the same – they are in their 20’s. They cannot see what is happening but they feel it. He sets the miserable terms of every day with a breakfast full of our failures and his achievements. I stongly believe that he has never loved me rather he has possessed me. I have a creative head and he stifles my strengths. It is always about him – every meal time. He is constantly hilighting everyone elses failures or mistakes. He fails to see gifts in others. He says we will go on a holiday but that means I am in his company 100 percent of the time and he has me all to himself. anything he encourages me to do or have can look from the outside like I am so well cared for when in reality it will be all about him. He will send me away for a day or two from the farm so that I come back happy – to serve his needs. He refreshes me for more emotional abuse. Sex life has always been good as I have read from anothers experience – but when the change of life hit – he takes it as an insult against him and not as something I have no control over. I have a minefield of experiences that all add up to living with a genius and being treated like an chattel. He loves his sheep dogs as they “do as he says” – control. Three doctors, a stomach specialist, an acupuncturist have told me to leave. this however, requires me to be in a strong position to do so in a well thought out way. It will happen and it will be planned. I have tried to communicate with him for many years and have been left with major frustration and letdowns.
Phil January 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm - Reply
Here is my issue and I admit right of the hop I cannot tell if she is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand. My girlfriend constantly avoids getting in to relationships, even with someone she loves deeply. Everytime we get close she makes excuses and pushes away. She says things like she is afraid to settle that she is afraid that there may always be some one better out there, but she has also admitted to being afraid in general, of being hurt amongst other things. One minute she’ll call me her man and tell me she loves me, next minute she’ll say we’re merely “friends with beneifts” and that “she doesn’t see it going anywhere”. She’ll say she’s interested to see where it goes; where each step is going to take us, then turn around and claim she doesn’t remember saying that. Sometimes she’ll hug me very deeply and won’t let go burying her head into my chest, other times she’ll do what I call the “one armed hug”. I have noticed that when we are together she has one tone of voice and we get along great and have very lucid calm discussions, but when she is around her family, her voice litteraly goes up an octave or 2 and she reverts into some sort of childlike state. She also claims she has uds(ugly suckling syndrome) and depsite other advice I have been given, she actually cannot handle being told she is beautiful, or she can handle it but not every day, and does not want to hear every day that I love her, like her disbelief fosters some sort of annoyance. I know she loves me, but she has also told me she is not entirely certain what being in love feels like. Of all her past relationships, the 2nd longest one lasted only 8 months – most of them only a month or 2. her longest 3 years and 8 months, but that one was also her worst relationship too and her last serious lover. She also constantly goes on dates even though she claims she isn’t interested in being in a relationship. I really love this girl alot and I am a patient man – to a degree and I guess I am just wondering like I said at the beginning is this a woman who is. is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand, something that may require medication and what should I do during the low points when she gets all depressive and pulling away and quiet?
Thank you
Barry December 25, 2011 at 10:07 pm - Reply
Inspirational. Thanks.
armond November 20, 2011 at 12:37 am - Reply
Very impressive article. i come and found out things about myself in many other ways i never knew, but after this reading ol boy what a lot of work i realize i have to do. its like a total make over..mainly going back to old me where I left behind some where on a lonely highway. im going to be like Quantum Leap episodes im going back & get myself back!! thanks mr. lee
wondering????? November 4, 2011 at 9:49 am - Reply
this small town im in ?
I got to the cafe and im sitting there and guys i know come in and then go to another table and listen to other’s BS,
and i think I know these people, and you really dont,
thier just a bumch of fairweather’ ones that are terrified of anything other than casual jargon.
bunch of cliqish people that are soo scared to be friend’s that they cant handle it.
anon November 3, 2011 at 7:35 pm - Reply
I do believe men who are over – sexual are also insecure: the player, the hyper – romancer, porn addict, and the short term serial monogamist.
Other insecure men:
The hostile attraction guy. He either approaches you with a direct put down, “You’re not that good of a writer etc but hey let’s go out sometime. Or a more subtle version that has to do with implying that even though you have a fault he will consider dating you. Ex: I normally don’t date blonds. Or, I normally don’t date older women, etc. They want to seem they are above you as you are lacking. Perhaps women do these
as well though I’ve never heard a female friend say anything like that nor have my male friends ever complained a woman approached them like that.
Hope October 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm - Reply
Diana, I realize it’s been a while but if you still check this then perhaps I can say something helpful (and I mean the following to apply to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, with this guy or otherwise). If you want to end up with someone, that person must respect you (and you must respect them). You are certainly worth that and more. If he, or anyone, disregards what you say they don’t respect it. I recommend defining your relationship with him. What I mean by that is explicitly sit down and talk to each other about who you are and what you want from the relationship, meaning both people must profess this. Don’t hold anything back, be honest and open. Try to keep emotions from running too high as that might escalate the conversation beyond helpful bounds, but don’t keep from sharing those emotions or you defeat the point of the conversation. If any of this gets thrown in your face (or if you do the same to them) that speaks only of the one doing the throwing, so while it would hurt don’t let it follow you. Beyond that, each of you (not just you and not just him) have to care more for the other than themself. This won’t be where you start but if it’s not the goal then you’re going in the wrong direction. This conversation, by the way, should be kept open ended. Any time either of you wants to talk deep topics of importance that should be accepted and encouraged by the other. If you ever want to end up with someone on a permanent basis you can’t be strangers. Silence is poison.
Also, for Titania (in regards to your post on Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am):
You’re not crazy, you’re not devalued, you’re not worthless. You are precious, beautiful, important, and worth abundant love and care. Don’t forget it. For anyone else reading this, I’d say the same to you whether you believed it or not.
Lastly, for Miss Molly (Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm ):
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Keep it up!
Derek October 17, 2011 at 2:33 am - Reply
I liken this subject to that of Self-esteem.
As a Christian; I am gaining more self-esteem as I learn more about what a loving God I have, as My Father.
This serves to refract any untruthful negative criticism, that dishonest or insecure people may try to hurt me with.
arlene October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am - Reply
nobody is insecure………….. insecurity it cames from failures in life. being insecure s a punishment of what youved done wrong.. insecurity is being developed if multiple failures pass by..
donna October 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm - Reply
i was with a an insecure man and i had no problem leaving him..he constantly accused me of things i absolutely was not doing..he claimed i cheated and i said…ok prove it….and he could not understand how i could just walk away..i would tell him he is insecure and has major trust issues and that just made him more angry..he went through my phone and every male in there he called and said something horribly negative about me…im a single woman..why would i have only females numbers in my phone? i would go to car shows and he would get mad..he would tell me im in a committed relationship and i said yes i know but that doesnt mean my life revolves around u..he stalks me..follows and harrasses everyone i talk too…..i just dont understand this behaviour….men like that need serious serious help…i believe he is a danger to society and himself..his rage is unbelievable and this man has a gun card..and we wonder why there are crimes of passion…..i believe if a man or woman ever is diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depression pills…if they have guns or a FOID card it should be pulled..or if there has been incidents where the police have been called because of abuse there guns or FOID card should automatically be pulled…i have witnesses horrible rage..and i beieve this man would kill out of crime of passion..his obsession is above and beyond..and yes he has 7 incident reports on him….im happy again since i have been away..i just wish he would seek appropiate help….
Psychologist Spokane October 3, 2011 at 6:27 pm - Reply
This is a surprisingly insightful peek into some different insecure personality types. I especially liked the ‘Self Promoter’ description.
kristina September 21, 2011 at 9:46 pm - Reply
i seem to be a very insecure person-My husband seems to think I make alot of things up-I just want to know how someone cna overcome being so very insecure
Gaz August 22, 2011 at 9:56 am - Reply
I’ve bookmarked this page, that’s how important this is.
Full Throttle Fat Loss August 18, 2011 at 4:10 pm - Reply
I definitely agree with your lists of insecurities. Many people put blame on other people and other circumstances but they need to look at the deeper root which is normally themselves. In today’s society, no one wants to take responsibility and don’t want to work on themselves. I really like your post though. Thanks!
Techtoncf August 5, 2011 at 1:59 pm - Reply
Great read, well written.
Diana July 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm - Reply
I would love feedback to my questions. .. I have a boyfriend who seem to have this habit of bringing up past GF experiences when we talk about sex. Also, when he compliments me I always blush and smiles..then he always follows up with a response.. I must have heard this before or he is not the only one that told me this…. How does he view me? I feel like it’s never an intimate one on one. I did tell him about my feelings about it but he doesn’t stop. I’m starting to not take him seriously as a person. What do you think?
ashleigh July 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm - Reply
Hello… This article answered some questions for me, and I thank you for that! It helped!
Customized Fat Loss July 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm - Reply
Insecurity is one of the worst trait a person can have. It’s good you recommended 7 habits of highly effective people. It’s a really good book and can help people feel more secure of themselves.
Anna July 14, 2011 at 7:21 am - Reply
ps My comment was a response to what peanut said about her friend
Anna July 14, 2011 at 6:56 am - Reply
hello there, my ex boyfriend of 6 years was just like that. except for the fact that he never acted irrational or even jealous (but it was still obvious he was easily jealous). i never even dared telling him he showed symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior, since the most harmless comment would be considered as criticism and trigger a defensive “if you cant accept me for who i am then why are you with me” response. being in a relationship with someone like that really sucks the joy out of your life, you never know what they really think because they will hide it behind a “strong” layer of apparent apathy. you end up blaming yourself, and start feeling insecure yourself. not even dumping him triggered any reaction, and that after sharing 6years together. a year has passed and i still havent heard from him, im not looking back. guess ill never know if it was cuz he was insecure or cuz our 6 years together actually meant nothing to him.
Wangari July 14, 2011 at 6:47 am - Reply
I am now enlightened. Thank you for this read. I had never understood why a lot of people I have worked with would work so hard to quash or back stab. Now I know what great distress insecurity is to the insecure. God bless you, God bless their souls!
torr5ii July 11, 2011 at 6:29 am - Reply
insecure does effect love life ….well it effects life period…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
torr5ii July 11, 2011 at 6:26 am - Reply
i find myself insecure…. i allwase have to think be4 i talk..literaly… i allwase think something rong is going to happen if i say this one thing..if it would afend them in a really bad wey or if there going to like wat i say. and it deppends who is in the room when i say it.. wen i start to come out and say it, it terns out i never do.i egnore my apinions about the confersation with my friends..thats probibly why im shy..but just becuse when i waz little..meybe 1st grade-5th grade i had a big mouth. i waz kinda secure, soon people just started to ignore me and of course i hated it..then i stared to think more of my self and i realized i waz anoing to others ( no afence to those who are secure, this is just mee) so now im allwase waching wat i do and say…allwase. wat do i do?
timothy blalock June 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm - Reply
I fell inlove with a wonderful lady, hand full of dates ,after a very very romantic weekend im in a bliss exstremly exited I made the mistake of leaving same message on phone during business hrs no harm in my mind ,but now im accused of being insecure and have character issues.I totally disagree insecure people dont have the confidnce i do. not one person i know agrees with her.the way enternet lables people is so unfair.
Peanut June 15, 2011 at 12:35 pm - Reply
I have a friend who is emotionally insecure. Though this article does not offer a complete check-point of male/female insecurities, it nicely communicates the basics. My friend (male) has a horrible time with Women/Relationships. His behavior can get extremely irrational, jealous. He displays this in small settings when a female/friend he may like exchanges affections/hugs with another male friend but not him. But it’s also in how he carries himself: He’s passive-aggressive and can get very stoic. But that’s his ‘protective barrier’. He does make effort (some times) to joke around – but sarcastically, almost over-compensating, at times. He does have his humorous moments. And yes, he enjoys ‘conflict’ (play). He will pick on a female, quite playfully, at times; teasing. However, he cannot ‘go the next step’, and it frustrates him; loses his nerve; the emotional conflict. The only reason I don’t ‘make my move’ with him is because I’m not sure at times just where he is. And I HAVE made the first move with men, before. He definitely has some more growing to do. :)
Dawn June 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm - Reply
It has made me realise what an abusive man i have been seeing for the past 15 months. His insecurity has grown beyond return. He fitted your criteria 100%. I’m 100% secure in myself, even if i’m not perfect!
Thank you for your insight.
Doug | personal development training June 9, 2011 at 10:43 am - Reply
Very interesting post. All of us have insecurities even those who are already gifted with good looks, talents or intelligence. God did not create humans to be perfect. Each of us have something to show off the world, we just have to discover it.
Sue June 5, 2011 at 10:03 pm - Reply
SGemmie: Go with your gut, trust your instincts. If something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t.
Sue June 3, 2011 at 9:52 pm - Reply
zEropoint68: People commonly label others as having low self-esteem– one therapist told me I had low self-esteem without even giving me an assessment or asking me questions about how I feel about myself.
SGemmie June 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm - Reply
I know a guy who is always giggling/laughing..it seems to be a nervous twitch. He doesn’t seem to carry himself upright..more like weak in a way. When we first met he was already too attentive! and that worried me. Should I listen to my instinct to stop it from continuing? I feel deep down something is just not right.
zEropoint68 June 3, 2011 at 12:06 am - Reply
From this article, I learned that I actually *am* self-confident. I have been told that I have no self esteem so many times I was starting to question myself.
I know now that it was never true. I’m living proof that a million horrid boyfriends can’t break what one good father can build.
Thank you!
Gary Zazulka May 31, 2011 at 7:39 pm - Reply
Most everything I have come across regarding insecurity is usually one-dimensional. And, well, I don’t think anything is different in this article. The only thing I would agree with entirely is the title of the last paragraph “Work On Yourself”, and that’s about it.
Sue May 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm - Reply
Great article. So important. People are insecure and criticize you and put you down; this has happened to me alot. I would rather be alone than associate with insecure people.
Also, you made me realize that others will feel threatened by a person’s security and power. I am very secure, but as soon as I associate with insecure people, I feel worse–their energy drains me.
ah May 30, 2011 at 2:58 am - Reply
To the posters with their panties in a bunch about “overtly sexual” being sexist… it seems to me the point was more to dressing sexually and using the resulting attention for validation. In that notion, women are the only ones who can do that, because women don’t need to get the attention of anyone to have sex.
moosaf May 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm - Reply
this is very helpful for me, thanks a lot
cyna May 22, 2011 at 2:20 am - Reply
Well i think this is a fantastic article! you just managed to lay out in words what has been torturing me for two years, i have become insecure after my parent’s major car accident, and couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. thank you for the references too.
thank you
Dianne May 18, 2011 at 1:54 am - Reply
Interesting read. I don’t believe anyone is completely secure in themselves. Life is ever changing and there is always room to learn and grow. When you stop taking chances in life, you simply stagnate or even regress. Who can be content with that? Change is never easy or comfortable. Gotta keep taking chances to enjoy the good things in life, or else you are not really living at all. People on their deathbeds regret all of their missed opportunities for really living life to it’s fullest. All of the things that dominated their lives with fear, seem so stupid and trivial in retrospect. Don’t wait until it’s too late to try. Seize every opportunity with gusto! Be confident and proud of who you really are.
Jenn May 17, 2011 at 1:05 am - Reply
It’s wonderful to see these things. Yet I feel obligated to point out that these reactions are not limited to one gender specifically, but yes they are the most common. I am a woman and yet at the same time I have more jealousy and paranoia issues in my relationship because of my insecurities. It is something I am working on over-coming, its not easy but my boyfriend has emotional security which makes finding my own easier at times. But it comes from self analysis and the want to make my self better in the end.
I only get better May 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm - Reply
Hello, Anyone who is going through insecurity.
Such as romantic relationship, family, friend or even yourself.
I would love to share mine and listen to yours.
I am still going through it, and i just want to be able to use my
knowledge and emotion for something GOOD.
so I can be someone who is understood and who can understand other.
Magda May 13, 2011 at 4:25 am - Reply
I am married to a man that is preoccupied with what he wants to accomplish and the money he wants to make that he does not want to let anyone into his life . He sees consulting his wife on decisions as a weekness . I want to be involved in his life however he pushes me away and wants to everything himself , I think he does not trus anyone and his motto in life is if you want to get things done you have to do it yourself . I suspect that he thinks that I do not trust him , and he constantly tells me that he will come right and I think he can not accomplish anything or do things right .How do I handle this in a ballanced and responsable way . I think there might be childhood issues also comming through because he grew up poor and I think he want to proof himself . He is so driven that he forgets about the people around him and is so self centred . I would appreciate it if someone can give me advise .
Oprah Winfrey May 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm - Reply
(continued)
The Michael Scott comparison makes sense on the surface, but through some emotional and spiritual evolution, one can see through his “offensiveness”. It IS possible to find a laugh on either side of a joke, but can be difficult to find people who observe both sides.
Oprah Winfrey May 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm - Reply
Oops, I suppose I made a joke already, so I MUST be insecure… lol (come on, joking is fun and healthy – you would have to be boring and/ or extremely unpleasant to be around if you can’t laugh at yourself, as well as the world).
Everyone has sensitive areas, and insecurities that are amplified (ad nauseum) by life experiences. If we’re lucky, we can eventually learn from our own mistakes and become stronger.
This list isn’t “bad”, but it was obviously written by a relatively unintuitive personality type. Things are not this cut-and-dry.
What insecurity? Ohhh right…. | The Bridge Magazine May 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm - Reply
[…] singing in this episode being great, the whole episode as a whole sent out an inspiring message. Insecurities are universal as well as Glee these days with their increasing fan base. I love how relatable this […]
Patricio Aguilar May 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm - Reply
The one thing that is incredibly hard to get across is the point that you’re not trying to hurt the insecure person. Insecure people can even take a compliment as someone being abusive.
“Hi honey, you look nice tonight…”
“Really…? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that you look nice tonight…”
(Fight breaks out)
It’s a no-win situation. There were no inflections or anything, just straight talk.
I’m beginning to think that insecure people are the ones who don’t take things at face value. They always insist that there are underlying issues where none exist (as someone stated, they “sweat the small stuff”). A lack of objectivity can spin any conversation out of control. When absolutely everything gets twisted (even a simple compliment), it gets very ugly very rapidly.
Sriracha April 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm - Reply
Loved the first half. The general outline of the article provides a very strong, lucid outline of how insecurity work in people.
In the second part, I couldn’t disagree more with the author’s idea of how insecurity manifests differently in men and women. To create a model in which insecure men are abusers // insecure women are the victims of male abuse is not really based in reality. That is, it’s incomplete; it doesn’t take into account that insecure women are also abusers, and conversely, insecure men can also be victims of abuse by men or women.
Furthermore, what exactly is “overly sexual”, and why is this type not extended to men as well? Men are equally capable of pursuing unfulfilling, promiscuous sexual relationships, the only difference is that it is more socially acceptable. However, is it still not the same self-destructive behavior? I would like to see a little less gender bias in those areas.
Other than that, a great article.
tycoco April 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm - Reply
This is great!
super single mom and her side kids April 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm - Reply
This was a great read!
paul nicholas April 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm - Reply
I am so inconfident its unreal!! I know im an attractive bloke but i couldn’t talk to women if brad pitt was my wing man!! i hate it sooo much. i am mr insecure
anonymous March 30, 2011 at 6:12 am - Reply
OK can someone please tell me why being “Overly Sexual” is a sign of insecurity for women and not men?! Not sexist at all.
wondering. March 26, 2011 at 10:37 am - Reply
Is america or americans soo brainwashed by work ethic that they cant ever come to your place to say hi?
I know these people thatI THINK ARE OK but thier rushing around and they cant even come over to say hi to us or even act like they care.
wondering. March 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm - Reply
all I see is insecure woman that cant talk to you and are selfish, or materialistic.
never had a girlfriend or never been married as i couldnt find anyone with downto earth atitude that wasnt acting off all the time. or in the slob crowd junk.
do people wana complain or BS and not owe up to reality but hide behind thier wall so they think thiell feel safe?
TB March 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm - Reply
After spending a year in a relationship with an extremely jealous, abusive man, I know how destructive it is to be with an individual with insecurities. The lesson I learned was not to waste time trying to make them better. I like the post made by Secure. That is so true. You cannot be with someone who is not happy within themself. They are like energy vampires. My abusive ex tried to destroy my happiness and self esteem. I guess he wanted me on his level. B2
kadri March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm - Reply
Hi Kadri here
I found that post and i love it. I thought that maybe you are interested about my blog. I`m writeing also about self defense for women. Maybe it`s useful for someone.
take care
Secure March 4, 2011 at 10:11 pm - Reply
I am an extremely confident and strong and secure woman. Do I have insecurities? of course! everyone does. DO I let them define me or run my life? NO!
I just ended a relationship with a very insecure man. What is tough, is that I realise I am not perfect, no one is. I am secure enough to be open to learning more about my short comings.
I expressed to him that it is okay to talk to me about some things that might work a better way for him versus the way I do it.. .as everyone is different. However to come down 0n me isnt right.
It is very easy for men that are secure to get mad at you for almost everything you are doing, but then when you go to express one thing to them, they snap.
NOTHING can fix insecurity except for Christ. People with insecurites usually don’t realise that they have them. They are quick to put blame on you and you will always be the one taking blame and saying sorry. Not once will you hear them say sorry. IF this is happening to you, get out. You are worth more.
A REAL MAN and a REAL WOMAN are happy with themselves and are able to just love the other person for who they are.
It is VERY easy to point fingers and pick someone else apart. ANYONE can do that. What makes a man worthy is one that DOESNT do that and is able to put themselves under the microscope.
Everyone has issues, insecurities, etc. WE should not be worrying about other people and their issues, as WE ALL have our own, just in different colors, shapes and sizes than others. WE should not worry about the speck of evil in ones eyes when we should be worrying about the plank in our own.
Signs of insecurity are sooooo sneaky and subtle BUT the ramifications are lethal. Follow your heart, know what you want and how you want to feel. Ask yourself are you getting it? no? leave.
A man that is capable of giving you silent treatment when you have “done something wrong” is insecure.
A man that is capable of just “ending things” when you have “done something wrong” is insecure.
A man who is quick to change you and when you do and he just tries to change you more and never notices the first changes, is insecure. He will NEVER be happy with you BECAUSE he is not happy with himself.
A man who never compliments you even though almost every other man or woman says how amazing you are or beautiful you are, etc… is insecure. He is affraid that by complimenting you, you may know it and go to another man b/c you might start to think you can get another, better man (which you can)… but they don’t realise this strategy has the opposite affect. If he compliments you and makes you feel GENUINELY special, you will be driven right into his hands. If you are made to feel condemned all of the time, he will just drive you into another mans arms. Praise God.
lala February 11, 2011 at 6:31 am - Reply
Great article , I wish all snooping hypocrites could learn from these words.
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
S S R February 3, 2011 at 9:51 am - Reply
Thank you for being the first to actually tell me something useful. I feel like this is a balanced article and I see myself as both insecure and confident according to your descriptions. It is so important to assess the self continually. We are always shifting and I am now dealing with things from my childhood that had not surfaced until now. Unfortunately I found Celestine Prophecy to be so translucent and one dimensional (imagine that) it was almost unreadable. Just my opinion.
Thank you again.
-SSR
Charles January 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm - Reply
Hey “CURIOUS”..You are allowing these people to vicimize you…When you jump off that building ,,Half way down ..Look up..and you will see all those people that you allowed to “GET to you.They will be looking down and laughing at you…Remember when you were a kid ?? “STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES .BUT WORD WILL NEVER HURT ME””,,,Become secure in yourself ..Create a Sheild around you ..Let in only what is positive to you .all the other negative junk let it BOUNCE off your sheild…Oh and GET A SENSE OF HUMOUR..Laugh at and pity these poor negative souls,,,And count your blessings more than you count your “troubles” AND DONT EVER BE A VICTIM ..be a WINNER,,,OK????
Shakqu January 21, 2011 at 9:48 am - Reply
Why do married men sleep with other women and claim that they still love their wifes. Is it insecurity& self-esteem issues? They also go around and tell other people especially at their jobs. Is it power, ego, control and to gain acceptance from others by to make themselves feel good when they have no life of their own???? Impower me…. I took psychology courses to understand but this one is too complicated
Curious January 21, 2011 at 9:30 am - Reply
I want to know how to deal with insecure, emotionally unbalanced & unstable employees who don’t like people who are independent, sure & confident about themselves. Why???? I think it is crazy!! If you had enough positive self-esteem about yourself, you would not antagonize other employees because you are sooooo much under pressure in your life & job. If your job is too hard just quit!!!! Life is too hard get psychiatric help. Stop anganizing others with your negative emotions and indirect comments. It’s getting too old & pathetic…..ughhh god!!!@!! I feel like jumping off the empire state building with these people that I have to work with everyday with their mental issues!
amber January 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm - Reply
i loveee you man your so brave
Ahmed January 19, 2011 at 9:35 am - Reply
Thanks a lot Mr.Brian Lee on August for such nice articles ..
I wonder if you’ve got audio collection : podcast or mp3 format files for this relavant topics .. so I can feed my iPod ..or if you u can recommend me to accisble ones
Gratefully yours
Ahmed
Charles January 15, 2011 at 6:33 pm - Reply
Looking back over a long and eventful life…I have learned a few things ..# 1 ,,Nobody and I mean NOBODY can make you happy or for that matter UNHAPPY.,,These are situations you do to yourself..The people that survived the horrors of the conentration camps etc ,Are the ones that got their MINDS ..MADE UP..There is nothing more powerful than a MADE UP MIND..Take STRESS ..If i said to you ..Go out and get me a bucket of water or most things in life .Well it is possible..But if I said get me a Bucket of STRESS ..Well you cant .Why ? Well it dosent exist,,Thats why..Stress /Worry. These are are things we manuafacture inside our heads..If a situation arises that requires “Positive” Stress then Yes we should create that “Stress” But if we realize we have no control over the situation Then why create stress in our bodies.. Stress is natures front line defence system to keep Danger away..But if we are going to use that front line defence sytem to fight every little thing that would otherwise bounce off us if we ignored them …Then when something dangerous attacks us .Well our DEFENSE SYTEM cant handle it because we have used up our DEFENCE SYSTEMS ENERGY fighting the teeny weenys that dont matter..In other words ..DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF..Older people that never get sick . that have had a hard life..All kinds of loss/ trouble..and yet they never get sick and are in perfect health…THESE PEOPLE have learned a few things in life..# 1 they are secure in who they are..# 2 they never envy anyone WHY? because they might get what that person has..# 3 they count their BLESSINGS every day…
frank cole January 7, 2011 at 7:05 pm - Reply
I AM SHELTERED EMPLOYED IN A WORKSHOP.FEELING PARANOID AND SELFCENETERED.I AM SHIZOAFFECTIVE .
PARANOID WORDS FROM COEMPLOYEES ARE LOUD AND IRRITATING.
mary December 28, 2010 at 8:51 pm - Reply
this article is enlightening . thanks so much for posting this as now I understand more the behavior of insecure people.
Liz December 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm - Reply
I am totally aware of my insecurities and I have cause hurt & pain towards a lot of people I love and hate. Do I wish to be this way? No! Most of my insecurities stemmed from childhood abuse. I was never taught how to be comfortable in my own skin, but constantly being told how I would never amount to anything in life; in which I believed in my heart. Being insecure has caused pain to myself also, and has trapped me in a prison of anger and hurt in my mind. Reading this article has allowed me to see who I am as insecure person, and the steps I can take to change my ways of thinking about myself. I can only take one step at a time for God to heal and mend the hurt I have inside. Pray for me and e-mail me if you have any helpful tips that will encourage or educate. Thanks Liz (asikpojair@yahoo.com)
j jones December 14, 2010 at 10:27 am - Reply
GREAT.. ARTICLE…
Wondering?????????? December 12, 2010 at 9:50 pm - Reply
My darn girlfriend is this way,
I think thing’s are ok with her and then i tell her im glad she’s here and she invalidates the whole thing by acting like its no big thing,
she has no values cant accept a compliment jokes too much out of insecurity, and cant accept reality,
says stupid things out of insecuity,
i feel like saying to heck with all woman and being by myself as Im tired of the freaking game playing,
Neha December 7, 2010 at 7:16 pm - Reply
Can you tell me how one can produce their own emotional energy?
How is it acheived?
Matthew December 7, 2010 at 3:11 am - Reply
Thanks you very much for posting this article. I’m insecure about myself and this article really speaks to me. I will be checking this more often to engrave your wisdom in my brain and I have a new book to order. Many thanks :)
Jackie November 18, 2010 at 12:53 pm - Reply
Thanks for this article. It has given me a good outlook of learning and loving self more.
Rudolph du Toit October 20, 2010 at 7:00 pm - Reply
Good day!
Thank you for this article. I know now, what I always needed to know.
Mr.Rothschild October 8, 2010 at 11:20 pm - Reply
The Rich want be Richer and The Poor want be Poorer.
The Smart want to be Smarter and the Dumb want to be Dumber.
It’s a paradox shrouded in a mystery.
Thom September 30, 2010 at 2:21 pm - Reply
Brian,
How did you research this and come up with your conclusions? I’d love to dig deeper.
Lee Han September 29, 2010 at 8:01 pm - Reply
Yeah, dude. And we have 4 “Lee”s here in our office. Haha ：）
Lee Han September 29, 2010 at 4:50 am - Reply
Hey, Brian. Nice work!
U are now famous in our office.
We are from China, and we love your style.
Brian Lee September 29, 2010 at 12:01 pm - Reply
Allright! You guys just like my last name!
Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am - Reply
I came across this website tonight because I know I have issues in my life. I’m very stressed out at the moment. I know this because i’m forgetful and I sleep all day. I’m also very sad and it’s pathetic, i know. I’m not motivated to to work and go back to school. I’m 21 years old and I do have goals in my life but I just get lazy and don’t want to do anything. When it comes to the weekends I just want to have fun with friends and indulge in alcohol and forget the drama.
I can totally relate to this section about relationships.
Ive been in a relationship with a guy and I loved him and cared for 3 years, I devoted myself to him. I smothered him a lot. I became that type of woman because I was already insecure in my life. I didn’t try to control him or anything because he can’t be controlled even if I tried to but I just always wanted to be around him. We use to be fun together but now it’s a nightmare.
He has cheated on me with a 45 year old woman and other girls too. He abuses me and tells me I’m loose down there and I’m a whore. We have a love/hate relationship and he is abusive mentally and physically. He doesn’t know when to stop hitting me and then after I get so crazy in my head that I have no control over myself or actions. Everything becomes a blur in my life. Even after he abuses me I sleep with him and next morning, we pretend like it never happened. We go out to dinner and I block it out of my mind. This has happen a lot and I know he’s a good man but he just has issues. I do care so much about him because when he is normal, he’s a good man.
We constantly break up and get back together. The last time I saw him was a few days ago and he’s going through some tough situation. His parents kicked him out of his home and he’s living with his friends. He has good parents and they are very well off. I really don’t understand why he is the way he is. I know his father is kind of a douche and he’s on medication and I really think that’s a major reason why my bf has problems. His mom is an angel, she’s not perfect, and sometimes she’s a bit goofy but she’s a good woman overall.
Right now, I know he’s on drugs and some guy is after him. He’s doing meth. It hurts me so much to see him be this type of man. I have seen my previous ex boyfriend go through this and he committed suicide. I use to be on it but I stopped hastily. I didn’t like the way it made me feel.
Many of our arguments were because i was drunk and I would start to remember all the bad memories he does to me and i’ll throw it in his face. I wasn’t helping the situation either and it’s so hard to forget him even when I try to. He can be so kind hearted but evil too.
Why do I keep going back to him? I feel like when he’s not around I’m lost and when I have him in my life I’m secure. I always feel awkward though and it’s so sad when I think that i know we don’t have a future. I pretend like everything is fine and sometimes i do feel better. I told him to leave me alone and he said he would. The truth is I don’t like what he does to me but I got so use to it and now I feel weird about myself.
I just want to meet someone who is true to me, who has goals, who loves me for the way I am. I know I’m not over my ex and I think i’m crazy too. I know this is wrong and I want it to change. I’m not normal and even if I tried to be that’s just not who i’am anymore. I think this world is cruel and people are heartless and insensitive. I’m not strung out on drugs or anything. Ive been a dumb stupid woman that has let someone take advantage of. I still love life and I’m glad to live but right now I just feel like rebelling against everything. I’m not materialistic and I don’t care about nice stuff. All i’m gonna do right now is work, survive, and be positive.
As for my bf, I hope he cleans up. I’m beginning to get over him slowly but surely. I don’t think I could love someone the way I have loved him. I told him not to call me anymore and leave me alone. All I know now is i’m broken inside and i’ll always remember this crap. I wish I never him sometimes. I was never really normal inside my head but now I really believe it. I believe in the power of change though. I’ll hope for the best and take care of myself. Whatever insecurities I feel right now, I hope they go away. If you knew me you wouldn’t even know I’m sad because I hide it very well. I don’t want my friends or people putting me down or being insensitive towards my feelings. My friends already know everything but they have their own life and responsibilities. I just feel the need to express myself and let it out. It’s different then writing it down in a journal. I feel like my feelings are out there and I don’t have to hide anything. I don’t have to be told I’m a weak woman because it makes me feel worse. I like to think of myself as a strong woman even if I’m not at the moment.
beth appleby August 22, 2010 at 7:47 am - Reply
I’ve just realised this whole article describes me, I was also in a abusive relationship that was hard for me to leave, is there any help for this?
allison August 16, 2010 at 11:35 am - Reply
i find these people exausting!!surrounded by them but its gonna change! then again i guess everyone has a bit of insecurity!great article!i had an ex that was like that!those people make u feel bad about yourself! Nextttttttttt lol
Mathieu August 16, 2010 at 8:07 am - Reply
Thank you for reminding me of private victory and public victory – I had been thinking of the ideas for a while without remembering the words for them.
People with too much insecurity are destructive, but only to those that are receptive to them – i.e. people who listen to them! People who play into their little games.
Don’t forget the ignore button! Discriminate discriminate discriminate!
But yes, we are all insecure on some level – as long as we don’t make it someone else’s problem I think we are still a decent person.
mario August 10, 2010 at 11:30 am - Reply
hi. IM MARIO ME N MY GIRLFRIEND JUST GOT N A BIG FIGHT> CAIUSE I WAS TO INSECURI. I USE TO BULLY HER EVERYTHING.OW I LOST HER CAUSE I WAS TO INSECURI. SO IM WORKIN IT>
Lyn Murphy August 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm - Reply
Often the reasons for being insecure are so deeply rooted that we can not get to the real reasons without deep inner reflection and an unflinching view of ourselves and our lives, not an easy task but worth the effort. Often what we find is what we least expected and once identified it can clear the way for a whole new life.
Lyn Murphy July 29, 2010 at 12:57 pm - Reply
Insecurity is also exacerbated by today’s emphasis on living a relative life. We seem to determine our own self worth relative to what everyone else is, has, does or wants. This leads to even more insecurity as there is always someone richer, thinner etc.. Learning to spot our own intrinsic value and learning to want what we have vs. have what we want makes all the difference.
Brian Lee July 29, 2010 at 12:58 pm - Reply
Great insight.
Chris Tommy June 28, 2010 at 6:28 pm - Reply
im really insecure and i used to be the most talkative and funny person and now i fell uncomfortable tlking to people and get really awkward, like theres a feelin in my chest. its also a tendency for me like sometimes i will be great talkative and not be awkward and have confidence to speak and sometimes im depressed and think im garbage and when i speak to people i become mean and say the wrong things that i wouldnt ever say when im secure. can u give me tips please cuz this really sucks cuz it happens with anybody at any time!
Brian Lee June 29, 2010 at 6:58 am - Reply
Security is a long-term process of introspection and building yourself. Luckily, it becomes easier with age.
Adine June 18, 2010 at 8:20 pm - Reply
I really did enjoy this article. The only thing is how do you build your confidence? I know you mentioned some things in your article. But I find it very difficult to get myself to change for the better. I feel like I can never change the way I look at things.
Peter June 16, 2010 at 8:33 am - Reply
Another type of insecurities in the boss area,are men and women that go into police forces you can see by the way they behave that they are insecure moststly of them were booled in school and know that they are police officers want to have revange
Alli June 5, 2010 at 2:36 am - Reply
It is very good,I love this blog!
shhhhab kronik June 2, 2010 at 6:38 pm - Reply
u kno wot …i didnt even kno how insecure i wuz until i red dis article…good article….in order to deal wid my insecurity i smoke weed an get high wiv my boyz…ama quit doin dat an focus on improving all these qualities dat dis writer here has written bwt hahaha..true true ama stop bein insecure…gud article..very inspirational..best article av re…actually the only article av ever read but still good article…..
Brian Lee June 2, 2010 at 10:36 pm - Reply
I’m glad you stopped by!
Johnny May 4, 2010 at 5:26 pm - Reply
i am quite needy and insecure, the sad thing is i don t even realize that i m doing it. I will lose the woman i love if i don t get some help. Even though she tells me all the time that i drive her crazy. We broke up so many times but we always get back together. Please people help me!!! I can t seem to help falling back into the same routine. Is there books to read and help me study to better myself and be more secure and not be so needy?
antatony May 4, 2010 at 1:37 am - Reply
This was very excellent! Thank you much for this. I really enjoyed the energy section. Of course, it can be vice-verse in which a partner can be secure and the other insecure & the energy is traveling one direction and then the other person is selfish from the insecurity. He/she is taking all of attention up like a sponge to tame their void.
Brian Lee May 4, 2010 at 8:32 am - Reply
Good insight and thanks for stopping by!
Jen April 4, 2010 at 4:21 am - Reply
I really enjoyed this article, I manage a large number of women at work and see so much insecurity on a daily basis. I find it difficult as I see how insecure they are and wish sometimes I could say something to them, but they only would take it personally and not be mature enough to take it as positive critsizm.
I am a woman, and need help with managing these women, sorry to say but women are at most times are selfish, rude and drain the life out of you.
They dont like to be told what to do and would rather complain than do somehting about it, huge complainers!!!!!
Brian Lee March 15, 2010 at 7:29 pm - Reply
I think that we are all insecure on some level. Some of us are more insecure than others. You tend to become more secure as you get older.
It’s impossible to be perfectly secure… the best thing is to recognize your insecurities and work on them to the best of your ability.
nora March 15, 2010 at 7:26 pm - Reply
i have been reading about insecutity in people and on this site and i am forced to admit that i am insecure. i do not know how to overcome it. i am not physically abusive but i have gotten angry and said things i wish i never had. it hurts to know that i am so insecure. if anyone has any ideas on how to help me over come my insecurities, i would be very grateful. i do not want to live my life this way anymore.
thank you all nora
Mohammad February 11, 2010 at 1:58 am - Reply
Nice article. I really enjoyed it. I think I am gonna repeat reading it couple times.
Honestly speaking, till couple days ago, I didn’t recognize that I am insecure. I felt bad a little bit but also happy that I was brave enough to admit that. I spend hour everyday to look at the symptoms of insecurity, now it’s confirmed I am insecure :).
From now on, I leave never myself alone. I am gonna support me at all times. If I succeed I will cheer me. If fails, I will lend hand and cheering also. I will never stop smiling to myself. I love you myself. I don’t need people approval anymore to my words or actions. It is enough that they express me. I am responsible for all mistakes I do.. I want to be myself. Even if I discover no one like this new person hahaha.
I want to fight and resist all negative thoughts that want to put me down.
I think every single moment deserves to be lived in happiness. Real happiness that comes from inside.
Great Pick Up Lines January 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm - Reply
Awesome post. Insecurity truly can be devastating… I was extremely insecure myself at one point. It also makes it near impossible to talk to girls sometimes. Anyway, there are ways to overcome… thanks for the article.
Leigh January 16, 2010 at 4:54 am - Reply
I really enjoyed the article. I think bringing peoples awareness to the fact that trying to eradicate these individual elements (jealousy, for instance) isn’t going to produce dramatic results until the underlying insecurity is dealt with, is really important.
Great post.
Ivan the Terrible January 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm - Reply
I feel like there has been some light shed on the subject of my insucurity. I know it takes two to tango and I will do my part to work on what I have just read to futher our relationship. Thank you
Missaup December 19, 2009 at 9:02 am - Reply
Very long and detailed list of the signs of insecurity. I especially like the part specific to women and how they are morelikely to show the signs of insecurity.
bEst online dating sites December 1, 2009 at 1:05 am - Reply
insecurity can kill you. you have to stop being affected on something and make it a big deal. just live you life happily.
nike November 23, 2009 at 12:57 am - Reply
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm - Reply
It seems that everything insecure people do is an extreme of what secure people would do: Secure people are funny, insecure people crack too many jokes. Secure people make intelligent contributions to a conversation, insecure people try a bit too hard to be interesting, secure people are confidant, insecure people won’t shut up about themselves, etc. Because of this, everyone accuses popular crowds at school of being the most insecure.While some children may be, others are popular because the rest simply want to emulate that security. It’s a fine line, and for teenagers like myself, it becomes blurry. Thank God I’m on the right side. :)
jeff rogers October 27, 2009 at 4:17 pm - Reply
I love this article, self confidence is the key to being successful in any area of life, glad you brought it to the forefront – My banabu 11 principles touch on this as well
zyczenia urodzinowe October 26, 2009 at 6:32 am - Reply
„A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success ”. I think the case with success is not link to the persons character. It would be easy to establish some sort of matrix. I think it’s placed somewhere between lack and work.
Great post!
KOJO October 26, 2009 at 3:23 am - Reply
your article was a real eye opener. i am writing a long assay on the topic “the role of religion in helping the people living with emotional insecurity”. i was thinking if you could please help me with any useful material on the topic as well as offer useful guidelines. its actually my final university level paper, i look forward to hear from you .
Tatiana October 17, 2009 at 1:23 pm - Reply
‘Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women’.
Brian, how do you know if you are not a woman?
As one myself, i can say many females influenced by attractive well-built men just as much. Please enough exsuses for your, guys, ‘natural’ inclination for infidelity, you haven’t got! And you are NOT any more visual than us either!
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
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Anirudh K. Mahant July 2, 2009 at 5:34 pm - Reply
Great compilation of knowledge, I must say. Since we are all born in this so called World of competition, we all want to come out as Success and not Failures. No body likes failures! That’s the biggest culprit of them all, this world, this world in which they teach you right from your kindergarten to differentiate between Good and Bad, Rich and Poor, Winners and Losers and the list never ends, tell me if that is not a recipe for insecurity.
The best things Ive learned to control those bad mojos is to not try to control events or other people. Many circumstances in life are beyond your control, particularly the behavior of others. Consider that we live in an imperfect world. Learn to accept what is, for now, until the time comes when perhaps you can change things (which I hardly believe comes once in a million times).
But after all you do and achieve in your life its the MIND the greatest gift that counts in the end.
Gify July 2, 2009 at 7:09 am - Reply
Hi,
Insecurity is a hard subject I guess. The hardest think is difficulty of establish rules cos the reasons are so different for all individuals.
Maybe old post, but still very accurate I think.
The the tips are nice as well, keep up good posts!
Regards,
Janet Gify
George Thomas February 21, 2009 at 12:49 pm - Reply
This is very informative. I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle. I have always been intrested in acheiving and suceeding and have. I am a super heavy weight bodybuilder, a 6.5 level tennis player, a sucessfull self -employed health-care professional, and I have constantly been critized, bullied and belittled by managers, coworkeres and I never used to be certain why. I have been discovering over the past 12 years that people who are not sucesses as themselves but need others for outside verification hate the independent sucess story.
VendingCoach August 25, 2008 at 7:48 pm - Reply
Great article! This subject is a definite wealth building KILLER until you deal with it as I had to do. Confidence begins to come as you step out and follow your dream with determination.
Great job!
Nathaniel E. Estrada December 11, 2007 at 12:54 am - Reply
this is a great article!!! now i can change my self-image, i didn’t noticed how insecure i am till i read this article, thank you to the one who wrote this article it opened my sight of conciusness!!! great job!!!!
Experimental Pole November 5, 2007 at 5:56 pm - Reply
read more
Alex Ingram October 28, 2007 at 8:49 am - Reply
An excellent article. I identify myself as having a few of these descriptions and from here I feel I can only go into the right direction, i.e. build more confidence. However Im glad to see that with the bad I embody some of the good traits as well.
Lovely article once again – it has opened my eyes :-)
EarthFrisk - Social Bookmarking & Social Media Hub September 25, 2007 at 5:43 pm - Reply
[…] Signs of Insecurity | Genius Types Posted by Negative 30 days ago (http://geniustypes.com) View profile Category: […]
Primus——成长 快乐 分享 September 12, 2007 at 7:15 pm - Reply
s still my #1 traffic producer with over 36,000 page views in it’s lifetime. At $10 CPM, that post has been worth about $360 to me. Top Five Posts for August: 5 Ways to Create Passive Inc. w/Little or No Money :: 9,925 pvSigns of Insecurity:: 4,071 pv What I’d Tell Myself if I Were 18 Again :: 3,378 pv Bulk Candy Vending for Passive Income :: 1,753 pv Free Day Planner and Time Management System :: 1,375 pv
harveen September 1, 2007 at 10:41 am - Reply
A lot of people don’t even recognize their insecurities, its such a big part of their everyday life. This article got me thinking and analyzing myself and my insecurities!
Matt August 29, 2007 at 2:36 pm - Reply
Great article. I just discovered your blog and really enjoy it.
For insecurity in relationships I would also add the point that some insecure men are extremely needy, always doing whatever his woman says while at the other end some insecure women enjoy bossing around and controlling men. These types of people tend to attract each other.
CreditCardRadio.com August 26, 2007 at 3:57 pm - Reply
This was a really great article and really enjoyed it. There is deep meaning here and I believe much of it to be very true to life. Many of the bosses that are very defensive and will squash people in meetings are that way because of their own insecurity. I think we have all worked for someone like this if you have lived long enough.
StumbleUpon » Your page is now on StumbleUpon! August 20, 2007 at 12:16 pm - Reply
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HalOtis August 20, 2007 at 11:28 am - Reply
The biggest thing I’ve found about having confidence is to let the emotion follow from the action of being confident — stand up straight, keep your head up and your chest forward. Use some NLP techniques to convince your subconscious that you really are confident.
Of course it doesn’t always come easy. I’m not very confident when it comes to social events and chit chat. but giving a speech to a large audience no longer gives me butterflies. Performing in front of groups is something I did a lot of growing up, but I was usually able to avoid social situations. There is a learned skill that comes with practice. The only way to gain confidence is to force yourself into situations that push your comfort zone.
Sam Smith August 20, 2007 at 4:41 am - Reply
I really enjoyed the part about emotional energy, and especially having a sense of humor.
It reminds me of a guy I saw on the weather channel who video taped the roof being ripped off his house while he was inside it! He said the only thing that kept him and his family sane was that they were able to stay cool and keep a sense of humor about things.
As you mentioned, having too much of a sense of humor can be a bad thing when it crosses the line of appropriateness, but overall it will definintely help everyone keep their sanity.
Shine With Grace September 27, 2007 at 9:48 am - Reply
is the place to learn about personal finance, relationships, time management and effectiveness, the law of attraction, creativity and more. Read the 5 Ways to Create Passive Income with Little or No Money,Signs of Insecurityand Free Day Planner and Time Management System… You will be glad that you do. Today is That Day Setting goals and working hard to achieve them? Today is that Day provides you useful information on personal development, goal setting and the
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Genius Types – Signs of Insecurity
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Signs of Insecurity
One of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be respected by others.
A person who is insecure finds difficulty in many aspects of life. Since most people are insecure, a person who is secure has power and influence over others; even if they are not otherwise powerful.
Coming to terms with who you are is the first step in obtaining happiness in life. The sooner you realize that happiness is something that you decide internally, and not something that you get from people or posessions; the sooner you will be able to create your own destiny.
A Lifelong Process
Everyone has some form of insecurity. It’s almost impossible to be 100% free of doubt. There have only been a handful of people throughout history who have obtained this level of confidence, and most of them have gone on to be great spiritual leaders. Now, we look up to them as role-models.
Confidence is usually a gradual process. It often comes with age and wisdom (although some people never find it). Those who work on themselves and gain confidence early on will have a much easier time navigating the challenges of life.
Insecurity is Destructive
Even though none of us are perfect; it’s easy to spot those of us who are overly insecure. Extreme insecurity is usually marked by an obsession with gaining the approval of other people. This level of self-doubt is extremely destructive to a person’s life and is often the root of almost all their problems.
More specifically, secure people find validation from within; while insecure people attempt to find validation from sources outside themselves. This external search for security manifests itself in two major ways:
1. A person becomes
overly selfish
. While both sexes engage in this sort of insecurity, men are slightly more likely to choose this route. A selfish person attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions, accolades, and attention.
2. A person becomes overly accomodating. Once again, this form of insecurity is common in both sexes, but women are slightly more likely to choose it as their primary mode of compensation. An overly accommodating person attempts to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them.
A Matter of Energy
I read one of the most eloquent explanations of why people behave the way they do in a book called The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield. It’s a fictional adventure that tries to explain a few things about reality. The basic gist of the book is that we are all connected by an energy.
I read The Celestine Prophesy over ten years ago, and back then most people saw it as a little hokey. Today, the idea that energy connects us all is becoming mainstream, especially with the advancement of quantum physics and the cultural phenomenon The Secret.
Here’s the basic idea:
People need emotional energy like they need air. Scientists have found that infants respond dramatically to human touch, and will almost “starve” without it. Quality relationships have been found to be a better indicator of good health than smoking status, weight, or genetics. Even though we can’t quantify it, this emotional energy is a very real and important part of our lives.
As children, we get our emotional energy from our parents; just like we get food, water, and shelter. Just as food provides nourishment for our bodies, emotional energy nourishes our souls; giving us confidence and security.
A person has made a successful transition to adulthood when she has learned to provide food, water, and shelter for herself. By the same token, she hasn’t fully matured until she has also learned to provide emotional energy for herself.
Many people never learn to produce their own emotional energy and continue to seek it from other people, even into adulthood. When they are around others, they draw energy from those around them to fill their void. This burden of energy fatigues the people around them and causes conflict.
Conversely, a person who has learned to create their own energy is free to give the excess to other people.
Signs of Insecurity
Here are some common signs that indicate insecurity:
Defensiveness
Insecure people tend to be very sensitive to critique and respond with defensiveness. They aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to accept that they might be flawed.
A secure person can handle criticism. They’re open to hearing about ways they might improve. If they disagree with the criticism, they don’t try to argue because they’re happy with who they are.
They’re comfortable enough to be themselves, even if other people don’t like it. They realize that they can’t please everyone.
Can’t Enjoy Silence
Some insecure people just can’t deal with silence. They fill every void with meaningless chatter, almost to avoid having to reflect on themselves. The unfortunate consequence is the annoyance of everyone around them, who secretly look for an escape.
A secure person can tolerate, and often enjoys silence. If they are with someone else, they have the ability to let someone else talk without having to interject their own perspective.
Excessive Joking
Another coping mechanism for insecurity is constant joking. While a sense of humor is almost necessary for emotional health, the excessive joker doesn’t seem to know the limits of appropriateness. (Think Michael Scott on “The Office.”)
It feels good when everyone laughs at your joke, and an insecure person craves this sort of attention. The unfortunate consequence is an uncomfortable environment and an insensitivity to others.
Jokes are almost always more funny when they are well-timed and delivered by a person of confidence. Security gives you the ability to be sensitive of others; knowing what they would consider funny and what they would consider offensive.
Self-Promoting
Insecure people tend to talk about themselves constantly, as if they feel like they have to prove themselves. Self-promotion is paramount to over-compensation for doubt.
A confident person doesn’t need to promote himself. His qualities are displayed naturally by the way he lives his life. Besides, he doesn’t need validation from anyone anyway.
Bullying
Insecure people feel threatened by others, and one way to cope with this is to try and squash them. The most threatening person of all to an insecure person is a secure person, because they can sense their power.
Overly Authoritative
Insecure people in positions of power tend to compensate for their lack of confidence by taking out their frustrations on their subordinates. They might issue unfair punishments or orders as a way to prove their authority.
I once had a boss who took joy in screaming at his employees, even for minor offenses. Once, I overheard him speaking to another manager about picking someone to fire for the fun of it. This kind of excessive authoritativeness is an obvious over-compensation for insecurity.
Overly Competitive
Competitiveness is part of a healthy emotional makeup, but over-competitiveness is a sign of a problem. Someone who can’t take losing by making a big emotional display lacks confidence.
A person who is secure with himself wins or loses with grace. Grace has a lot to do with respecting your opponent, and you can only do that if you are first comfortable with yourself.
Materialistic
A very dangerous coping mechanism for insecurity is buying things you can’t afford just to show off. We can all think of people with huge TV’s, fast cars, and every toy known to man; even though they don’t make much money. People like this tend to run up their credit cards and get themselves into big trouble.
A secure person doesn’t need to show off. He doesn’t care what other people think about his possessions.
Insecurity in Relationships
Insecurity tends to be amplified in relationships. In this situation, there is a constant struggle for control and energy.
Interestingly enough, people tend to be attracted to other people at the same level of security. Insecure people tend to find other insecure people to date, and secure people tend to date other secure people.
A healthy relationship is made up of two secure people who create their own emotional energy and give to their partner. An unhealthy relationship is made up of two insecure people who take emotional energy from their partner.
Men
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
Women
Here are a few signs of insecurity for women in relationships:
Stays in Abusive Relationships
Remember how insecure people tend to be attracted to each other? Unfortunately, this means that abusive men end up with women who take the abuse.
Have you ever known a woman who has had a string of abusive boyfriends? She ends up falling for one after the other. She has so little confidence that she is convinced that it’s her fault.
A secure woman isn’t afraid of leaving an abusive man. She knows that she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She creates her own emotional energy and therefore she will be fine on her own.
Overly Sexual
Sexuality is a very powerful force, as evidenced by the amount of sexual images in our media. Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women. Some women learn that they can get a lot of attention from men by flaunting their sexuality.
An insecure woman who is seeking constant validation from others relies on her sexuality as a crutch. It becomes her main source of emotional energy and begins to define her.
A secure woman doesn’t need constant validation. She is confident enough to define herself in many dimensions; not just one.
Work on Yourself
A common thread in much of the success literature that I have read is the necessity of becoming independent before entering into relationships. If I had to recommend one book to help someone become more secure with themselves, I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
He talks about achieving private victory before you achieving public victory. He talks about the process of going from dependence to independence to interdependence.
Insecurity can be highly destructive, especially if you don’t understand it. Many insecure people find scapegoats for their problems, never realizing that they are causing the problems themselves.
The beginning of security is learning to laugh at yourself, realizing that no one is perfect.
By GeniusTypes.com|August 20th, 2007|Creative Life, Philosophy, Relationships|151 Comments
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151 Comments
Alice October 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm - Reply
All these characteristics remind me of a couple I know. Constantly arguing and bickering over petty things. I was trying to hang out with the girl of the couple, have a few drinks and catch up, but her boyfriend FLIPPED saying ‘you cheated on me before, you’re going to do it again.’ and straight out told her no. Then she broke up with him and SURPRISE, they’re back together. It’s like if she cheated on you and you can’t trust her to even go out with a girl friend of hers, why stay?!?!!?! They always try to get money out of everyone and say I’ll pay you back…I or a friend of mine have never seen a dime back. He’s dropped out of college twice, works at a dead end job but continues to say how he wants his own business. She’s probably had 10 jobs the past year and is about to quit her current one and go to another job. She works over 40 hrs a week and her check is usually gone within two days and then asks for gas money to hang out when she offered to be the driver. I work 25 hrs a week and save $300/month and pay for my own everything…I just don’t get it. It’s been an on and off friendship for quite sometime and whenever we start talking again, she starts hanging out & talking to MY friends like they’re super close and doesn’t bother to call me. And they always, ALWAYS try to one up my boyfriend and I when we do nothing to initiate it. I’m starting school in December for graphic design and am currently a receptionist. He’s a contract worker and going to school for programming…yeah. It’s just ridiculous and I have no idea why we always end up talking to them again because all it becomes is petty drama and them initiating some ‘I’m better than you’ competition. Ugh.
Jenny August 23, 2012 at 11:46 am - Reply
I never been insecure through out my life but I’ve been always a victim of insecure people.I’m so much fascinated with this article because it answered all my queries about my husband’s ex gf attitude and behaviors towards me.I tried to understand her and just kept quiet of what she’s posting on her fb against me, she was never contented saying malicious words against me and posted a picture of someone and said am as ugly as that girl in the picture,I never knew all these things when she didn’t add some of my friends in my friendslist,my friend whom she happened to add copied and saved all his posts on her fb and I was so shocked that she even included my son.She’s been posting nude and daring photos of her and posting on her fb wall then sharing it to my friends whom she added.At first I just laughed on it but then I was really alarmed when she posted on her fb wall saying that I can use her sexy undies which she left in my husband’s condo before and even said that she has a bigger boobs than me.I emailed her then fortunately she’s online.I chatted her and said please if you have problems on me or if I did something wrong to you,speak to me directly I confronted her and asked her why are you saying things against me which are not true in your fb wall and all she said was WHATEVER….Now I understand she’s really in a state of being insecured..
who knows? August 19, 2012 at 11:50 am - Reply
all my life ive tried to talk to woman or a woman, to go out with one, or a relationship with one,to no avail.
are they all in a hurry or wanting a loser,or hang out with the snob crowd?
or the cocky arrogant ones that have nothing inside but talk stupid cute words.
no matter where i go i see ones taken by the nobody type guy or the guy that is wayyy overconfident,or one sided with no personality. or tact.
actions speak louder than words,and I swear up and down that all they want is a fantasy or a fun type thing with no responsability,or the stupid partys at the the slightest whim.
I MEAN OK,,,,,WHAT DO WOMAN WANT?
DO THEY WANT NONCOMMITAL THING,OR A SELFISH PERSON,OR MONEY OR
ACT STUPID ALL THE TIME TO GET ATTENTION?
IVE ABOUT HAD IT WITH THIS JUNK.
Scott Dixon August 19, 2012 at 10:41 am - Reply
I read this entire article with my mouth hung open in amazement of how accurately these statements reflect a co-worker of mine who used to be a friend. I really feel the urge to send him this link even though we are not friends anymore. This article could really help him I think, but I don’t believe its worth my energy. Thoughts anyone?
GT August 19, 2012 at 11:02 am - Reply
Unsolicited advice rarely helps… People change when they are ready.
enlightened August 17, 2012 at 1:17 am - Reply
Thanks and great, I feel more secure, lucky to have read this at right time, or may have lost a relationship..
joan August 15, 2012 at 5:19 am - Reply
i just dont like the idea that parents just stays together for the sake of a child and they dont really get along, it would be better for the child to be given or adopted? i dont know, just think so…
Belle August 8, 2012 at 4:39 am - Reply
I believe I have an insecurity problem, but its difficult to understand. I’m 19, and I honestly belive I’m a good person, with good morals and I’m kind and respectful to everyone. I had a very sheltered childhood up until I turned 13, when I started highschool (the first schooling I’ve received). I have gotten over a lot of the fears of public interaction, and consider myself comfortable for the most part now. I guess my issue with insecurity is within my own personality. I don’t know why really. I feel confident in who I am, but at the same time I’m not. After I graduated highschool in 2010 I’ve lost contact with all my old friends. I blame myself for that. I’ve never gone to a big highschool party, I feel intimidated by it. I get very comfortable at work, and sem very confident. But I feel constantly reminded that I don’t have friends when I’m at work and everyone talks about drinking, river trips and bestfriends. I feel like I can pretend to have a lot of friends when I’m there, because noone knows. This bothers me and makes me feel insecure. I still text/talk to old friend on facebook from time to time. But I feel like my family is all I have, and were very close. If this sounds confusing, its because it is. If not, I would seriously love for someone to reply. I know the root to my insecurity in who I am to other people comes from how I grew up. Please someone give me some insight on this, I don’t want to be that person who over anylizes peoples thoughts about me and things I say. I always do and it drive me crazy. Someone reply, as I don’t feel I got the closure I need from this article although it was helpful to read. I also book marked this.
Shannon July 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm - Reply
I was in a relationship with my bf–I am 32 and he is 47–and things were great starting out. Over time, I realized being with him just left me drained. He was extremely pessimistic–I mean, there was nothing I or anyone could do to convince him of a positive outcome. For instance, I decided to go back to school for another degree, but I was having difficulty getting accepted. I kept trying, but he was convinced I wasn’t going to get it. Imagine his surprise when I got the acceptance letter that informed me I was on the waiting list. Of course, he accused me of pulling some strings to get my name on the list. Or the time when I went to pick up some takeout for dinner and I got my order free because I was the 1000th customer that day. My bf was convinced I was sleeping with the manager and nothing could convince him otherwise.
He constantly accused me of seeing other men; every time I turned over in bed, he was on me, constantly asking questions. “What are you doing? Where are you going? Why are you turning over?” He asked so many senseless questions, it drove me nuts. And jealous? I couldn’t walk around the house without him coming to look for me or leave for a few minutes without him asking me where I’d been or where I was going. He would even have a friend, a guy renting a room in the house, to go places with me; he said it was to keep me company, but I know it was to make sure I was going where I said I was going and to make sure I wasn’t going off to be with another man. I couldn’t even go to work without being accused of something. Around May, I got tired of it and by June, I just stopped all relationship activity: sex, eating together, talking and even sleeping in bed with him. I would stay up all night and sleep during the day so I could be alone and he would come in and wake me up, kissing all on me and badgering me to wake up and spend time with him. He complained about my studies, always telling me to “move my junk” from his side of the bed. I just couldn’t take it anymore when one night I’d done laundry and he got into bed and pulled the fitted sheet from off the mattress and got under it and I asked him why was he under that sheet. Before I could finish my thought, he blew up. “Because I want to be under the fucking blanket.” I was floored. I told him it was unnecessary to even come at me like that and he blew me off. He always thinks he knows what I want and what I’m thinking and he’s never wrong; according to him, I don’t like to admit he’s right and he knows what’s in my mind and what I’m thinking and what I want and he never lets me finish a sentence because he thinks he knows what I’m trying to say and then we argue when he does that. I got so sick of him that I stopped talking to him, preferring to spend my time in another city just for the break. While there, I decided to get my own place. I got an apartment and I left. He swears I came here to be with another man. I came here to get away from him. I don’t have friends, so I decided to put out an ad to meet fellow psych/nursing majors for a few new brains to pick and he got on and responded and pretended to be a 23yo college student majoring in psychology. He was angry and accused me of seeing other men and I just told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, that he was driving me crazy and draining me with his negativity and pessimism. I told him I was sick of him always up under me and demanding to know every thought in my mind and insisting on knowing every move I make. So I left and now I am in my apartment and feeling free. I can watch whatever I want on television because he isn’t here to criticize what I like or call me stupid for liking what I like or pointing out why I should like this or that show and why my shows are stupid. I couldn’t do anything and I was tired of it, tired of him. He was raggedy and had no ambition and it bothered him that I did and he tried to stop me from going to school, but I still went and he was angry when he learned I did. He thinks college is all hype and it’s a waste of money and no one should bother with it, but I ignored him and I did what I wanted. I didn’t need his approval or acceptance because I am fine the way I am. Being alone doesn’t bother me because I would rather be alone than to be with someone like him.
a recovering insecuritic June 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm - Reply
Liddybet, thank you for sharing your painful experience. I hope you will find your happiness.
Phil, your girlfriend reminds me of my ex-gf. She was full of contradictions between showing extreme passion and coldness. I loved her dearly and wanted to commit to her but she ran away instead. It takes two to be in a relationship and if my experience is any guide I don’t think your relationship will work. I’m sorry to say.
This article helped me uncover some of my own insecurities that I have been trying to address. It’s really helpful to read all of your stories. Thank you, All.
Michelle June 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm - Reply
I have lot of sex not because I am insecure but because I like sex.So having alot of sex isnt always insecurity it can be a sign of confidence to OWN IT-your sexuality is yours.Making fun of others for what they do or look like or if they are different is definitely a sign of “insecurity”.That being said pointing out insecure people and segregating them into a labelled group that separates “us” from “them” is not really about them .When you point out the flaws of others its something wrong in yourself.I say love everybody insecure or not who cares what they do they are just people who act different.Get over it.Insecure people try to “fix” others…seems a bit of a paradox doesn’t it?
oxymoronic situation.
Marie June 18, 2012 at 6:59 am - Reply
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 yrs. Me 34, him 39. The first 2 yrs was like a full out blown away romance novel..both of us going threw divorces..this new found love was unexpected and fun. We moved in together within 6 months..we have 4 children between us. And although that was an adjustment, I feel like we are finally making it work in that aspect. But about a yr ago things seem to have changed. I had lost a bunch of weight when we started dating and I felt fabulous! He made me feel great, and very sexy. I decided to get a breast reduction..and it seems like a few months after that everything changed. Why? I’m not too sure. I speculate its because I felt good! I could actually go to a store a buy a “normal” bra. So, I do not have a “bikini body” but I bought one for the first time in my life to wear outside on our deck. But he seems to have gotten very insecure and slightly jealous. He likes my “new” found breasts..but he doesn’t want me to wear tank tops, bathing suits that show any cleavage..etc..says it makes him feel uncomfortable. This has been a major issue with us over the yr. His insecurities are wearing thin on me. I don’t dress provocative in any way at all..but he told me I needed to dress more modest!! I was very hurt. I love him. I reassured him I dress the way I do because it makes me feel good. And I want to look good for him. He LOVES looking at other women. Just doesn’t want any other man looking at me. Its hurt my pride. This person that I’ve had this whirlwind romance with..someone that I thought and still hope to spend the rest of my life with is managing to ruin my self esteem. And that hurts! I’ve worked so hard to establish that over the last few yrs. We’ve been to counselling and our therapist said he is acting like an adolecent! But he just says this is who he is and he will never change..is this true? Do I give up on almost the four yrs of establishing our life together over something like this? I’m almost always concious of showing my cleavage because I don’t want to piss him off. My friends are telling me that we are starting to be that couple that show up at a party wondering if we are going to fight or not..because something will tick him off and he’ll start an arguement or just leave me there. I’m too old for this. Having been through one divorce, I want a relationship that has trust and respect for each other..I know he loves me..but he wants to keep me “hidden” away..so to speak. I welcome ANY positive suggestions. Thanks!
Saira June 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm - Reply
all the signs of an insecure person that you listed are absolutely true.I recently had contact with my ex boyfriend.First he said that he likes me and he wants to be back with me then later he started making me jealous of his new girlfriend by mentioning her every time and showing me his pictures with her.He has all the signs that are mentioned.I will try to tell him and help him but if he will continue to make me jealous then because of self esteem i have to get away from him.As seeing your ex with another girl is definitively not a good experience trust me.Thanks again.The article really helped.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ June 15, 2012 at 6:16 am - Reply
my boyfriend started out with me as something so special i could see it in hs eyes then when i fianally fell in love things changed big time . he took full advantage of me. he does little things that hurt my feelings and when i want to talk he gets mad and walks off. i mean everytime . i asked why he does this for 6 years now and still nothing. we are apart now and it was his choice. its like he had to have me then because i want this answer to my only question he says he wont ever answer it. its very hard either he used me hes afraid to love me cause he might get hurt. hes very shy and i was so proud of his love at the start now im shamed of the way he treats me . he acts its all my fault and tells so many lies excuses its unreal.i wanted to help him hes so unreal . its like the closer we got the more rude things hed do. im hurt to know end oh and i must say we were friends first for 20 years. hes done everything i never dreamed hed be able to do. to leave me would be fine but he will not give me an explanation as to why. im in the dog house everyday. ive never been able to be mad cause if i am hes madder and storms out and then egnores me for a day or two and fianally it turned in to weeks monthes a whole summer. hes hiding from something.aND DEEP INSIDE I THINK HE ADORES ME . BUT ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH AND ONE DAY HE BROUGHT ME A NEW MOWER AND AN ICE CREAM BUT STILL SILENCE IS ALL I GET . IT DOESNT SHOW MUCH RESPECT AT ALL FOR ME ITS LIKE IT DONT MATTER I HURT HE CONTINUES WALKING AND EGNORES ME SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO ANSWER. MY QUESTION IS THIS THEY SAY SOMETIMES INSECURE PEOPLE DONT REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY HURT THE ONE THEY LOVE BUT YET SAYS BEWARE THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO . IF HE KNOWS WHAT HES DOING THEN I DONT MEAN MUCH TO HIM IF HE CANT CUT THE BULL AND BE REAL . ITS LIKE ME HURTING MAKES HIM FEEL GOOD IN A SICK WAY. PLEASE HELP ME . THE DEPRESSION OF THIS IS OVERWELMING BUT YET I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN HELP HIM OR JUST WALK ON. BEINGS WE WERE FRIENDS IT HURTS WORSE CAUSE I NEVER DREAMED HED HURT LIKE HE HAS ,OH YES HESAYS HE HAS 0 COMPASSION FOR ME . ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM AND HIS SELF PITTY. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY IM CUTTING HIM DOWN AND IM ONLY EXPRESSING HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL. :( ADVICE PLEASE): PS HE NEVER WILL SAY HES SORRY AND I THINK THATS WHERE IT ALL STARTS WHAT HE DOES WRONG AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY HES GONE. IF HE HAD ONLY SAID SORRY I WASNT THINKING OR THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME ANYTHING TO SHOW HE KNOWS HE MESSED UP AND FEELS BAD BUT NEVER IT TURNS OUT TO BE MY FAULT ALWAYS.PSS. IM BEGGING TO KNOW THE ANSWER AND MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP ME TO MOVE ON OR TO HELP ME STOP FEELING LIKE AN UNWANTED PIECE OF SHIT. HE KEPT ME HANGING ON BY THINGS SUCH AS THE MOWER , BUT NO COMPASSION IS KILLING ME MENTALLY AND PSYICALLY
arnie June 11, 2012 at 3:04 am - Reply
I am an insecure person. I grew up being ridiculed all the time. I didn’t hear any words of approval from my parents. When other people would say I am pretty, my parents would say I’m not. I never heard any complement from them.
Now I have a son, I want to make him feel secure and loved. I promised to myself that I will never raise him the way I was raised.
I am thankful I read this article, this is a very big help to me.
keyanna white June 1, 2012 at 10:32 pm - Reply
wow i just want to say thank you so so much for this article. I was looking up signs for men being insecure because my boyfriend is acting like he is and what i found out was i am the same way… didn’t know i was insecure unless i just didn’t want to admit it .. :/ Please Help me so that i can help my boyfriend.
Katie May 13, 2012 at 10:02 am - Reply
I am completely insecure, and i cant even tell you why, I was raised to be a very independent person and in life have ended up being a very co-dependent person, I have been in a relationship for 4 years, and my boyfriend points out my insecurities often, the biggest one is that we dont see each other as often as we use to, he works lots, and i just recently moved, and now were 3 hours away from each other, which makes my insecurities worse, he likes to make jokes that can be funny, and at times are not funny, my insecurities feed on them, the biggest one i have, is that im afraid he is going to find someone better than me, and i do a lot of those things mentioned, i over accommodate with him constantly, he knows if he needs help with bills, or anything really he can call me and ill be right there with help, I am really just afraid i am going to lose him, and i know he doesnt go out, and if he does it is rarely, but still in my head if i dont get the chance to talk to him every day via text or phone call, i am freaking out, my head starts thinking things, like i wonder who he is with, is he really even at work, what is he doing that is so much more important than answering my phone call, or why is it that you dont bother to call me, I mean he does call me, and he will say things like this is what i did today, and this is what happened, which its almost like a play by play, which is helpful, because like i know nothing bad is happening, and he does call and say things like just calling you so you dont freak out since we havent talked in a day or two, i understand he does have a life he has hobbies and things, but he is pretty much the loner time, he doesnt like to go out because there is people, he really just goes to work and goes home, he works 6 days a week, and 12 to 15 hour days, so he is pretty tired by the end of the work day, he gets one day off a week, and he may hang out with a friend of his, who they go to comic shows together or movies, I mean he and his friend Bill, do a lot together, like for fact they are going to go catch a movie together today, but my bf is going to go to the beach this after noon and walk, well the beach by himself makes me a little insecure a bunch of girls in swimsuits strutting around him, but after reading this i really dont think a book is going to help you get over an insecurity its something you have to learn to do on your own, and I am really trying but it is so difficult to not want to just call him and be like whats going on, he is trying to be more helpful with everything because he knows it exists, but i guess there are times when he makes jokes that effect it more so, but i am working on it by myself, and learning to just be okay, and not stress so much
Jeff April 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm - Reply
Am I insercure or did I have a reason to be?So my ex girlfriend is back in the picture and wants to get coffee and ‘Talk’,Now I have know her for almost eight years now.We dated for almost two years and when we dated in was intense and powerful.I think we spent to much time with each other and relied on each other way to much.She also got pregnant and had an abortion because I was to “childest” in her words being I like to play rugby and race cars..I was insercure when we dated but I think I had reasons to be.Why would a girl bring a change of clothes including under wear to hang out with her “guy friend”?She also has a lot of guy friends that I know what to have hooked up with her.I’m older now since we dated we broke up almost five years ago and I dont think I can handle the guys in her life.Also she likes to go clubbing and drink,both things I dont do or like to do.I get a rush from going 155+mph and not drinking.I would rarther spend my saterday night working on my car or going to the gym then go out and drink and get in a fight.Oh she is 22 and I will be 24 in June maybe thats why we fight?She talks to my mom and says she loves me and all of that stuff,but if you love some one you dont cheat.I think my insecuritys are partly seeing how my parents are.They live in the same house but sleep in separet rooms and do not talk to each other.Other then yelling at each other.The only reason there are living in the same house is because of my young brothers and sisters
Sorry for the long post and thanks for the help
Cindy Hayen March 18, 2012 at 10:36 am - Reply
Great article Brian. I’m glad I came across it. Insecurity is very prevalent in many people and at the root of many of their perceived problems in life, such as relationship issues, addictions, depression, anxiety, and a general unhappiness in life. Thanks for writing a very informative article!
Jorge Medina March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am - Reply
I love this very simple, direct article on insecurity. I have dealt with this throughout most of my life and Im starting to see the negative effects of this in my quality of life and the future. Im 36 years old right now, and Im wondering if it is getting too late for me. Please help! :)
Anthony Hopkins February 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm - Reply
In response to the commenter who mentioned certain people were getting their “panties in a bunch” about the overly sexual part: Nice opinion, but I’m not sure what a woman being “overly sexual” WITHIN a relationship actually means. Is it dressing in a way that provokes sexual excitement? wanting a lot of sex?
Can you clarify? I’m mainly asking for clarification as to why a) there’s no counter-point in men in the most obvious corollary of being flashy and materialistic for women and b) why this is mentioned for women specifically within relationships.
I’m confused because for many women, I think a big part of being in a relationship is the ability to be sexual often and frequently — with lowered health risks and increased emotional satisfaction. Yes, there are women who undervalue their bodies and give sex to the wrong people in hopes that they’ll return the favor (they won’t), but simply creating a category of female insecurity called “overly sexual”… comes off a little judgmental… and insecure.
Liddybet February 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm - Reply
Phil January 14 2012 – it may sound funny coming from me – but infidelity is not something I have to deal with.
Your ‘girlfriend’ is not very loyal to your affections. I don’t know that there is a pill to make her love you and be faithful as well.
If you are as nice and patient as you say then I would be throwing those pearls at the feet of a woman who appreciates them.
I was once advised that people are sometimes the product of what we allow them to do. So, maybe in our own ignorance at the time, we bear some responsibility for who they become,
I had tried to make up for his ‘lack’ in our relationship = thinking that I would put in 75 percent to make up for his 25 percent. A much older man in his late 60’s asked me what percent we should put into a marriage or in your case a relationship. I answered with 50% each – He said no it is 100% each. I then saw the connection between what I had been allowing him to be.
If LOVE is your strength then allow it to make the right decision and not to be your weakness. If you show love and they leave you – then you know how they value it. If you show love and they stay – then you once again know where you stand. That’s my theory. Love will eventually win if you make your decision based on its strength.
noon February 9, 2012 at 1:18 am - Reply
I am 34 years old & i had spent the last 20 years struggling & trying to figure out why i am behaving like that!! i finnally discovered that i am extremely insecure, i used to be scared of failures not for the sake of success but because i am scared about what people will think – and say- about me if i failed..i do notaccept my self as it is & i have a very bad self image, always trying to loose weigh to look better although i am not overweight…my husband is a very secure man & he loves me but I am turning his life into a living hell!! .
i bought (the 7 habits) 3 years ago but i did not read it!! thank you…
Mike M. January 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm - Reply
“Some people refuse to be swayed into opinionated conversation (Insecurity), some consciously/subconsciously choose when they’ll be swayed while engaging in opinionated conversation (Semi-security), while others allow free thought, free expression, and freedom to envelop/evolve their liveliness dynamically (Self-security).”
I would like to thank you Brian Lee for the thought-provocation, the article was read due to a poll I started on facebook and subsequently spawned a public post folling the poll on facebook. Thanks again.
Liddybet January 27, 2012 at 10:12 pm - Reply
i have been married to one for 30 years. I read this yesterday and ticked all the boxes. I married when 18 he 25. I left in first 18 months. He was miserable to be around and it seemed that I was the cause of it. He drove me home! that’s how controlling he was. I never realised how much he took notes on where I was, when I came back home and not wanting me to work. I now realise that it was so that I was in his control all the time.
If i bought a gift – he would complain. If I saved for a table or a lounge chair – he was not happy. If I bought shoes – he would say I have enough. It was fine for him to come and go around his farm but I had to account for everywhere I went. I mistook it for general interest – it wasn’t.
I became the subject of his jokes and put downs. My family stopped visiting as they wanted to hit him as he was always putting me down.
thirty years later, everyday is about him. Every hour is about him. He tells me that I do not cook proper food if anyone became sick in the house. I cook fresh all the time. I am a good cook.
If i tried to keep the family car clean – I was criticised. Everything I do is criticised. He interrupts me when I speak, so now I sit and listen, sometimes for three hours whilst driving over our farm, and don’t say a word – he does not even notice that it is a one way communication. He never lets me finish a question that he asks.
He fixes things around the yard now and then and never lets me forget about it for the the next week. He wakes me every morning with either turning on the radio or bringing me a cup of something to drink. i want neither. It is about waking me because he is awake. I talk of times between 5.30am and 6.00am.
He asks where I have been if I get up in the night to go to the toilet. I may have a stomach ache and be there longer than normal – he notices that the bed is cold. he goes to bed at 8.30pm nearly everynight. I watch TV til 11pm just to have a brain drain without hearing his ongoing self chatter. He will stomp up the passage and look in the loungeroom and grumble at me still being up. He is always right. He is also very, very intelligent and a very accomplished farmer and businessman. He has got worse over the years. What use to happen as put downs occaisonally, are now daily. My emotions are extrememly bruised. He makes me weep often – daily sometimes three times a day. He treats our sons the same – they are in their 20’s. They cannot see what is happening but they feel it. He sets the miserable terms of every day with a breakfast full of our failures and his achievements. I stongly believe that he has never loved me rather he has possessed me. I have a creative head and he stifles my strengths. It is always about him – every meal time. He is constantly hilighting everyone elses failures or mistakes. He fails to see gifts in others. He says we will go on a holiday but that means I am in his company 100 percent of the time and he has me all to himself. anything he encourages me to do or have can look from the outside like I am so well cared for when in reality it will be all about him. He will send me away for a day or two from the farm so that I come back happy – to serve his needs. He refreshes me for more emotional abuse. Sex life has always been good as I have read from anothers experience – but when the change of life hit – he takes it as an insult against him and not as something I have no control over. I have a minefield of experiences that all add up to living with a genius and being treated like an chattel. He loves his sheep dogs as they “do as he says” – control. Three doctors, a stomach specialist, an acupuncturist have told me to leave. this however, requires me to be in a strong position to do so in a well thought out way. It will happen and it will be planned. I have tried to communicate with him for many years and have been left with major frustration and letdowns.
Phil January 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm - Reply
Here is my issue and I admit right of the hop I cannot tell if she is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand. My girlfriend constantly avoids getting in to relationships, even with someone she loves deeply. Everytime we get close she makes excuses and pushes away. She says things like she is afraid to settle that she is afraid that there may always be some one better out there, but she has also admitted to being afraid in general, of being hurt amongst other things. One minute she’ll call me her man and tell me she loves me, next minute she’ll say we’re merely “friends with beneifts” and that “she doesn’t see it going anywhere”. She’ll say she’s interested to see where it goes; where each step is going to take us, then turn around and claim she doesn’t remember saying that. Sometimes she’ll hug me very deeply and won’t let go burying her head into my chest, other times she’ll do what I call the “one armed hug”. I have noticed that when we are together she has one tone of voice and we get along great and have very lucid calm discussions, but when she is around her family, her voice litteraly goes up an octave or 2 and she reverts into some sort of childlike state. She also claims she has uds(ugly suckling syndrome) and depsite other advice I have been given, she actually cannot handle being told she is beautiful, or she can handle it but not every day, and does not want to hear every day that I love her, like her disbelief fosters some sort of annoyance. I know she loves me, but she has also told me she is not entirely certain what being in love feels like. Of all her past relationships, the 2nd longest one lasted only 8 months – most of them only a month or 2. her longest 3 years and 8 months, but that one was also her worst relationship too and her last serious lover. She also constantly goes on dates even though she claims she isn’t interested in being in a relationship. I really love this girl alot and I am a patient man – to a degree and I guess I am just wondering like I said at the beginning is this a woman who is. is emotionally immature, suffering from severe insecurities and low self-esteem, or of there is maybe a more severe issue at hand, something that may require medication and what should I do during the low points when she gets all depressive and pulling away and quiet?
Thank you
Barry December 25, 2011 at 10:07 pm - Reply
Inspirational. Thanks.
armond November 20, 2011 at 12:37 am - Reply
Very impressive article. i come and found out things about myself in many other ways i never knew, but after this reading ol boy what a lot of work i realize i have to do. its like a total make over..mainly going back to old me where I left behind some where on a lonely highway. im going to be like Quantum Leap episodes im going back & get myself back!! thanks mr. lee
wondering????? November 4, 2011 at 9:49 am - Reply
this small town im in ?
I got to the cafe and im sitting there and guys i know come in and then go to another table and listen to other’s BS,
and i think I know these people, and you really dont,
thier just a bumch of fairweather’ ones that are terrified of anything other than casual jargon.
bunch of cliqish people that are soo scared to be friend’s that they cant handle it.
anon November 3, 2011 at 7:35 pm - Reply
I do believe men who are over – sexual are also insecure: the player, the hyper – romancer, porn addict, and the short term serial monogamist.
Other insecure men:
The hostile attraction guy. He either approaches you with a direct put down, “You’re not that good of a writer etc but hey let’s go out sometime. Or a more subtle version that has to do with implying that even though you have a fault he will consider dating you. Ex: I normally don’t date blonds. Or, I normally don’t date older women, etc. They want to seem they are above you as you are lacking. Perhaps women do these
as well though I’ve never heard a female friend say anything like that nor have my male friends ever complained a woman approached them like that.
Hope October 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm - Reply
Diana, I realize it’s been a while but if you still check this then perhaps I can say something helpful (and I mean the following to apply to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, with this guy or otherwise). If you want to end up with someone, that person must respect you (and you must respect them). You are certainly worth that and more. If he, or anyone, disregards what you say they don’t respect it. I recommend defining your relationship with him. What I mean by that is explicitly sit down and talk to each other about who you are and what you want from the relationship, meaning both people must profess this. Don’t hold anything back, be honest and open. Try to keep emotions from running too high as that might escalate the conversation beyond helpful bounds, but don’t keep from sharing those emotions or you defeat the point of the conversation. If any of this gets thrown in your face (or if you do the same to them) that speaks only of the one doing the throwing, so while it would hurt don’t let it follow you. Beyond that, each of you (not just you and not just him) have to care more for the other than themself. This won’t be where you start but if it’s not the goal then you’re going in the wrong direction. This conversation, by the way, should be kept open ended. Any time either of you wants to talk deep topics of importance that should be accepted and encouraged by the other. If you ever want to end up with someone on a permanent basis you can’t be strangers. Silence is poison.
Also, for Titania (in regards to your post on Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am):
You’re not crazy, you’re not devalued, you’re not worthless. You are precious, beautiful, important, and worth abundant love and care. Don’t forget it. For anyone else reading this, I’d say the same to you whether you believed it or not.
Lastly, for Miss Molly (Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm ):
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Keep it up!
Derek October 17, 2011 at 2:33 am - Reply
I liken this subject to that of Self-esteem.
As a Christian; I am gaining more self-esteem as I learn more about what a loving God I have, as My Father.
This serves to refract any untruthful negative criticism, that dishonest or insecure people may try to hurt me with.
arlene October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am - Reply
nobody is insecure………….. insecurity it cames from failures in life. being insecure s a punishment of what youved done wrong.. insecurity is being developed if multiple failures pass by..
donna October 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm - Reply
i was with a an insecure man and i had no problem leaving him..he constantly accused me of things i absolutely was not doing..he claimed i cheated and i said…ok prove it….and he could not understand how i could just walk away..i would tell him he is insecure and has major trust issues and that just made him more angry..he went through my phone and every male in there he called and said something horribly negative about me…im a single woman..why would i have only females numbers in my phone? i would go to car shows and he would get mad..he would tell me im in a committed relationship and i said yes i know but that doesnt mean my life revolves around u..he stalks me..follows and harrasses everyone i talk too…..i just dont understand this behaviour….men like that need serious serious help…i believe he is a danger to society and himself..his rage is unbelievable and this man has a gun card..and we wonder why there are crimes of passion…..i believe if a man or woman ever is diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depression pills…if they have guns or a FOID card it should be pulled..or if there has been incidents where the police have been called because of abuse there guns or FOID card should automatically be pulled…i have witnesses horrible rage..and i beieve this man would kill out of crime of passion..his obsession is above and beyond..and yes he has 7 incident reports on him….im happy again since i have been away..i just wish he would seek appropiate help….
Psychologist Spokane October 3, 2011 at 6:27 pm - Reply
This is a surprisingly insightful peek into some different insecure personality types. I especially liked the ‘Self Promoter’ description.
kristina September 21, 2011 at 9:46 pm - Reply
i seem to be a very insecure person-My husband seems to think I make alot of things up-I just want to know how someone cna overcome being so very insecure
Gaz August 22, 2011 at 9:56 am - Reply
I’ve bookmarked this page, that’s how important this is.
Full Throttle Fat Loss August 18, 2011 at 4:10 pm - Reply
I definitely agree with your lists of insecurities. Many people put blame on other people and other circumstances but they need to look at the deeper root which is normally themselves. In today’s society, no one wants to take responsibility and don’t want to work on themselves. I really like your post though. Thanks!
Techtoncf August 5, 2011 at 1:59 pm - Reply
Great read, well written.
Diana July 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm - Reply
I would love feedback to my questions. .. I have a boyfriend who seem to have this habit of bringing up past GF experiences when we talk about sex. Also, when he compliments me I always blush and smiles..then he always follows up with a response.. I must have heard this before or he is not the only one that told me this…. How does he view me? I feel like it’s never an intimate one on one. I did tell him about my feelings about it but he doesn’t stop. I’m starting to not take him seriously as a person. What do you think?
ashleigh July 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm - Reply
Hello… This article answered some questions for me, and I thank you for that! It helped!
Customized Fat Loss July 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm - Reply
Insecurity is one of the worst trait a person can have. It’s good you recommended 7 habits of highly effective people. It’s a really good book and can help people feel more secure of themselves.
Anna July 14, 2011 at 7:21 am - Reply
ps My comment was a response to what peanut said about her friend
Anna July 14, 2011 at 6:56 am - Reply
hello there, my ex boyfriend of 6 years was just like that. except for the fact that he never acted irrational or even jealous (but it was still obvious he was easily jealous). i never even dared telling him he showed symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior, since the most harmless comment would be considered as criticism and trigger a defensive “if you cant accept me for who i am then why are you with me” response. being in a relationship with someone like that really sucks the joy out of your life, you never know what they really think because they will hide it behind a “strong” layer of apparent apathy. you end up blaming yourself, and start feeling insecure yourself. not even dumping him triggered any reaction, and that after sharing 6years together. a year has passed and i still havent heard from him, im not looking back. guess ill never know if it was cuz he was insecure or cuz our 6 years together actually meant nothing to him.
Wangari July 14, 2011 at 6:47 am - Reply
I am now enlightened. Thank you for this read. I had never understood why a lot of people I have worked with would work so hard to quash or back stab. Now I know what great distress insecurity is to the insecure. God bless you, God bless their souls!
torr5ii July 11, 2011 at 6:29 am - Reply
insecure does effect love life ….well it effects life period…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
torr5ii July 11, 2011 at 6:26 am - Reply
i find myself insecure…. i allwase have to think be4 i talk..literaly… i allwase think something rong is going to happen if i say this one thing..if it would afend them in a really bad wey or if there going to like wat i say. and it deppends who is in the room when i say it.. wen i start to come out and say it, it terns out i never do.i egnore my apinions about the confersation with my friends..thats probibly why im shy..but just becuse when i waz little..meybe 1st grade-5th grade i had a big mouth. i waz kinda secure, soon people just started to ignore me and of course i hated it..then i stared to think more of my self and i realized i waz anoing to others ( no afence to those who are secure, this is just mee) so now im allwase waching wat i do and say…allwase. wat do i do?
timothy blalock June 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm - Reply
I fell inlove with a wonderful lady, hand full of dates ,after a very very romantic weekend im in a bliss exstremly exited I made the mistake of leaving same message on phone during business hrs no harm in my mind ,but now im accused of being insecure and have character issues.I totally disagree insecure people dont have the confidnce i do. not one person i know agrees with her.the way enternet lables people is so unfair.
Peanut June 15, 2011 at 12:35 pm - Reply
I have a friend who is emotionally insecure. Though this article does not offer a complete check-point of male/female insecurities, it nicely communicates the basics. My friend (male) has a horrible time with Women/Relationships. His behavior can get extremely irrational, jealous. He displays this in small settings when a female/friend he may like exchanges affections/hugs with another male friend but not him. But it’s also in how he carries himself: He’s passive-aggressive and can get very stoic. But that’s his ‘protective barrier’. He does make effort (some times) to joke around – but sarcastically, almost over-compensating, at times. He does have his humorous moments. And yes, he enjoys ‘conflict’ (play). He will pick on a female, quite playfully, at times; teasing. However, he cannot ‘go the next step’, and it frustrates him; loses his nerve; the emotional conflict. The only reason I don’t ‘make my move’ with him is because I’m not sure at times just where he is. And I HAVE made the first move with men, before. He definitely has some more growing to do. :)
Dawn June 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm - Reply
It has made me realise what an abusive man i have been seeing for the past 15 months. His insecurity has grown beyond return. He fitted your criteria 100%. I’m 100% secure in myself, even if i’m not perfect!
Thank you for your insight.
Doug | personal development training June 9, 2011 at 10:43 am - Reply
Very interesting post. All of us have insecurities even those who are already gifted with good looks, talents or intelligence. God did not create humans to be perfect. Each of us have something to show off the world, we just have to discover it.
Sue June 5, 2011 at 10:03 pm - Reply
SGemmie: Go with your gut, trust your instincts. If something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t.
Sue June 3, 2011 at 9:52 pm - Reply
zEropoint68: People commonly label others as having low self-esteem– one therapist told me I had low self-esteem without even giving me an assessment or asking me questions about how I feel about myself.
SGemmie June 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm - Reply
I know a guy who is always giggling/laughing..it seems to be a nervous twitch. He doesn’t seem to carry himself upright..more like weak in a way. When we first met he was already too attentive! and that worried me. Should I listen to my instinct to stop it from continuing? I feel deep down something is just not right.
zEropoint68 June 3, 2011 at 12:06 am - Reply
From this article, I learned that I actually *am* self-confident. I have been told that I have no self esteem so many times I was starting to question myself.
I know now that it was never true. I’m living proof that a million horrid boyfriends can’t break what one good father can build.
Thank you!
Gary Zazulka May 31, 2011 at 7:39 pm - Reply
Most everything I have come across regarding insecurity is usually one-dimensional. And, well, I don’t think anything is different in this article. The only thing I would agree with entirely is the title of the last paragraph “Work On Yourself”, and that’s about it.
Sue May 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm - Reply
Great article. So important. People are insecure and criticize you and put you down; this has happened to me alot. I would rather be alone than associate with insecure people.
Also, you made me realize that others will feel threatened by a person’s security and power. I am very secure, but as soon as I associate with insecure people, I feel worse–their energy drains me.
ah May 30, 2011 at 2:58 am - Reply
To the posters with their panties in a bunch about “overtly sexual” being sexist… it seems to me the point was more to dressing sexually and using the resulting attention for validation. In that notion, women are the only ones who can do that, because women don’t need to get the attention of anyone to have sex.
moosaf May 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm - Reply
this is very helpful for me, thanks a lot
cyna May 22, 2011 at 2:20 am - Reply
Well i think this is a fantastic article! you just managed to lay out in words what has been torturing me for two years, i have become insecure after my parent’s major car accident, and couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. thank you for the references too.
thank you
Dianne May 18, 2011 at 1:54 am - Reply
Interesting read. I don’t believe anyone is completely secure in themselves. Life is ever changing and there is always room to learn and grow. When you stop taking chances in life, you simply stagnate or even regress. Who can be content with that? Change is never easy or comfortable. Gotta keep taking chances to enjoy the good things in life, or else you are not really living at all. People on their deathbeds regret all of their missed opportunities for really living life to it’s fullest. All of the things that dominated their lives with fear, seem so stupid and trivial in retrospect. Don’t wait until it’s too late to try. Seize every opportunity with gusto! Be confident and proud of who you really are.
Jenn May 17, 2011 at 1:05 am - Reply
It’s wonderful to see these things. Yet I feel obligated to point out that these reactions are not limited to one gender specifically, but yes they are the most common. I am a woman and yet at the same time I have more jealousy and paranoia issues in my relationship because of my insecurities. It is something I am working on over-coming, its not easy but my boyfriend has emotional security which makes finding my own easier at times. But it comes from self analysis and the want to make my self better in the end.
I only get better May 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm - Reply
Hello, Anyone who is going through insecurity.
Such as romantic relationship, family, friend or even yourself.
I would love to share mine and listen to yours.
I am still going through it, and i just want to be able to use my
knowledge and emotion for something GOOD.
so I can be someone who is understood and who can understand other.
Magda May 13, 2011 at 4:25 am - Reply
I am married to a man that is preoccupied with what he wants to accomplish and the money he wants to make that he does not want to let anyone into his life . He sees consulting his wife on decisions as a weekness . I want to be involved in his life however he pushes me away and wants to everything himself , I think he does not trus anyone and his motto in life is if you want to get things done you have to do it yourself . I suspect that he thinks that I do not trust him , and he constantly tells me that he will come right and I think he can not accomplish anything or do things right .How do I handle this in a ballanced and responsable way . I think there might be childhood issues also comming through because he grew up poor and I think he want to proof himself . He is so driven that he forgets about the people around him and is so self centred . I would appreciate it if someone can give me advise .
Oprah Winfrey May 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm - Reply
(continued)
The Michael Scott comparison makes sense on the surface, but through some emotional and spiritual evolution, one can see through his “offensiveness”. It IS possible to find a laugh on either side of a joke, but can be difficult to find people who observe both sides.
Oprah Winfrey May 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm - Reply
Oops, I suppose I made a joke already, so I MUST be insecure… lol (come on, joking is fun and healthy – you would have to be boring and/ or extremely unpleasant to be around if you can’t laugh at yourself, as well as the world).
Everyone has sensitive areas, and insecurities that are amplified (ad nauseum) by life experiences. If we’re lucky, we can eventually learn from our own mistakes and become stronger.
This list isn’t “bad”, but it was obviously written by a relatively unintuitive personality type. Things are not this cut-and-dry.
What insecurity? Ohhh right…. | The Bridge Magazine May 9, 2011 at 2:50 pm - Reply
[…] singing in this episode being great, the whole episode as a whole sent out an inspiring message. Insecurities are universal as well as Glee these days with their increasing fan base. I love how relatable this […]
Patricio Aguilar May 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm - Reply
The one thing that is incredibly hard to get across is the point that you’re not trying to hurt the insecure person. Insecure people can even take a compliment as someone being abusive.
“Hi honey, you look nice tonight…”
“Really…? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that you look nice tonight…”
(Fight breaks out)
It’s a no-win situation. There were no inflections or anything, just straight talk.
I’m beginning to think that insecure people are the ones who don’t take things at face value. They always insist that there are underlying issues where none exist (as someone stated, they “sweat the small stuff”). A lack of objectivity can spin any conversation out of control. When absolutely everything gets twisted (even a simple compliment), it gets very ugly very rapidly.
Sriracha April 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm - Reply
Loved the first half. The general outline of the article provides a very strong, lucid outline of how insecurity work in people.
In the second part, I couldn’t disagree more with the author’s idea of how insecurity manifests differently in men and women. To create a model in which insecure men are abusers // insecure women are the victims of male abuse is not really based in reality. That is, it’s incomplete; it doesn’t take into account that insecure women are also abusers, and conversely, insecure men can also be victims of abuse by men or women.
Furthermore, what exactly is “overly sexual”, and why is this type not extended to men as well? Men are equally capable of pursuing unfulfilling, promiscuous sexual relationships, the only difference is that it is more socially acceptable. However, is it still not the same self-destructive behavior? I would like to see a little less gender bias in those areas.
Other than that, a great article.
tycoco April 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm - Reply
This is great!
super single mom and her side kids April 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm - Reply
This was a great read!
paul nicholas April 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm - Reply
I am so inconfident its unreal!! I know im an attractive bloke but i couldn’t talk to women if brad pitt was my wing man!! i hate it sooo much. i am mr insecure
anonymous March 30, 2011 at 6:12 am - Reply
OK can someone please tell me why being “Overly Sexual” is a sign of insecurity for women and not men?! Not sexist at all.
wondering. March 26, 2011 at 10:37 am - Reply
Is america or americans soo brainwashed by work ethic that they cant ever come to your place to say hi?
I know these people thatI THINK ARE OK but thier rushing around and they cant even come over to say hi to us or even act like they care.
wondering. March 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm - Reply
all I see is insecure woman that cant talk to you and are selfish, or materialistic.
never had a girlfriend or never been married as i couldnt find anyone with downto earth atitude that wasnt acting off all the time. or in the slob crowd junk.
do people wana complain or BS and not owe up to reality but hide behind thier wall so they think thiell feel safe?
TB March 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm - Reply
After spending a year in a relationship with an extremely jealous, abusive man, I know how destructive it is to be with an individual with insecurities. The lesson I learned was not to waste time trying to make them better. I like the post made by Secure. That is so true. You cannot be with someone who is not happy within themself. They are like energy vampires. My abusive ex tried to destroy my happiness and self esteem. I guess he wanted me on his level. B2
kadri March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm - Reply
Hi Kadri here
I found that post and i love it. I thought that maybe you are interested about my blog. I`m writeing also about self defense for women. Maybe it`s useful for someone.
take care
Secure March 4, 2011 at 10:11 pm - Reply
I am an extremely confident and strong and secure woman. Do I have insecurities? of course! everyone does. DO I let them define me or run my life? NO!
I just ended a relationship with a very insecure man. What is tough, is that I realise I am not perfect, no one is. I am secure enough to be open to learning more about my short comings.
I expressed to him that it is okay to talk to me about some things that might work a better way for him versus the way I do it.. .as everyone is different. However to come down 0n me isnt right.
It is very easy for men that are secure to get mad at you for almost everything you are doing, but then when you go to express one thing to them, they snap.
NOTHING can fix insecurity except for Christ. People with insecurites usually don’t realise that they have them. They are quick to put blame on you and you will always be the one taking blame and saying sorry. Not once will you hear them say sorry. IF this is happening to you, get out. You are worth more.
A REAL MAN and a REAL WOMAN are happy with themselves and are able to just love the other person for who they are.
It is VERY easy to point fingers and pick someone else apart. ANYONE can do that. What makes a man worthy is one that DOESNT do that and is able to put themselves under the microscope.
Everyone has issues, insecurities, etc. WE should not be worrying about other people and their issues, as WE ALL have our own, just in different colors, shapes and sizes than others. WE should not worry about the speck of evil in ones eyes when we should be worrying about the plank in our own.
Signs of insecurity are sooooo sneaky and subtle BUT the ramifications are lethal. Follow your heart, know what you want and how you want to feel. Ask yourself are you getting it? no? leave.
A man that is capable of giving you silent treatment when you have “done something wrong” is insecure.
A man that is capable of just “ending things” when you have “done something wrong” is insecure.
A man who is quick to change you and when you do and he just tries to change you more and never notices the first changes, is insecure. He will NEVER be happy with you BECAUSE he is not happy with himself.
A man who never compliments you even though almost every other man or woman says how amazing you are or beautiful you are, etc… is insecure. He is affraid that by complimenting you, you may know it and go to another man b/c you might start to think you can get another, better man (which you can)… but they don’t realise this strategy has the opposite affect. If he compliments you and makes you feel GENUINELY special, you will be driven right into his hands. If you are made to feel condemned all of the time, he will just drive you into another mans arms. Praise God.
lala February 11, 2011 at 6:31 am - Reply
Great article , I wish all snooping hypocrites could learn from these words.
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning, mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being. He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive. Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
S S R February 3, 2011 at 9:51 am - Reply
Thank you for being the first to actually tell me something useful. I feel like this is a balanced article and I see myself as both insecure and confident according to your descriptions. It is so important to assess the self continually. We are always shifting and I am now dealing with things from my childhood that had not surfaced until now. Unfortunately I found Celestine Prophecy to be so translucent and one dimensional (imagine that) it was almost unreadable. Just my opinion.
Thank you again.
-SSR
Charles January 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm - Reply
Hey “CURIOUS”..You are allowing these people to vicimize you…When you jump off that building ,,Half way down ..Look up..and you will see all those people that you allowed to “GET to you.They will be looking down and laughing at you…Remember when you were a kid ?? “STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES .BUT WORD WILL NEVER HURT ME””,,,Become secure in yourself ..Create a Sheild around you ..Let in only what is positive to you .all the other negative junk let it BOUNCE off your sheild…Oh and GET A SENSE OF HUMOUR..Laugh at and pity these poor negative souls,,,And count your blessings more than you count your “troubles” AND DONT EVER BE A VICTIM ..be a WINNER,,,OK????
Shakqu January 21, 2011 at 9:48 am - Reply
Why do married men sleep with other women and claim that they still love their wifes. Is it insecurity& self-esteem issues? They also go around and tell other people especially at their jobs. Is it power, ego, control and to gain acceptance from others by to make themselves feel good when they have no life of their own???? Impower me…. I took psychology courses to understand but this one is too complicated
Curious January 21, 2011 at 9:30 am - Reply
I want to know how to deal with insecure, emotionally unbalanced & unstable employees who don’t like people who are independent, sure & confident about themselves. Why???? I think it is crazy!! If you had enough positive self-esteem about yourself, you would not antagonize other employees because you are sooooo much under pressure in your life & job. If your job is too hard just quit!!!! Life is too hard get psychiatric help. Stop anganizing others with your negative emotions and indirect comments. It’s getting too old & pathetic…..ughhh god!!!@!! I feel like jumping off the empire state building with these people that I have to work with everyday with their mental issues!
amber January 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm - Reply
i loveee you man your so brave
Ahmed January 19, 2011 at 9:35 am - Reply
Thanks a lot Mr.Brian Lee on August for such nice articles ..
I wonder if you’ve got audio collection : podcast or mp3 format files for this relavant topics .. so I can feed my iPod ..or if you u can recommend me to accisble ones
Gratefully yours
Ahmed
Charles January 15, 2011 at 6:33 pm - Reply
Looking back over a long and eventful life…I have learned a few things ..# 1 ,,Nobody and I mean NOBODY can make you happy or for that matter UNHAPPY.,,These are situations you do to yourself..The people that survived the horrors of the conentration camps etc ,Are the ones that got their MINDS ..MADE UP..There is nothing more powerful than a MADE UP MIND..Take STRESS ..If i said to you ..Go out and get me a bucket of water or most things in life .Well it is possible..But if I said get me a Bucket of STRESS ..Well you cant .Why ? Well it dosent exist,,Thats why..Stress /Worry. These are are things we manuafacture inside our heads..If a situation arises that requires “Positive” Stress then Yes we should create that “Stress” But if we realize we have no control over the situation Then why create stress in our bodies.. Stress is natures front line defence system to keep Danger away..But if we are going to use that front line defence sytem to fight every little thing that would otherwise bounce off us if we ignored them …Then when something dangerous attacks us .Well our DEFENSE SYTEM cant handle it because we have used up our DEFENCE SYSTEMS ENERGY fighting the teeny weenys that dont matter..In other words ..DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF..Older people that never get sick . that have had a hard life..All kinds of loss/ trouble..and yet they never get sick and are in perfect health…THESE PEOPLE have learned a few things in life..# 1 they are secure in who they are..# 2 they never envy anyone WHY? because they might get what that person has..# 3 they count their BLESSINGS every day…
frank cole January 7, 2011 at 7:05 pm - Reply
I AM SHELTERED EMPLOYED IN A WORKSHOP.FEELING PARANOID AND SELFCENETERED.I AM SHIZOAFFECTIVE .
PARANOID WORDS FROM COEMPLOYEES ARE LOUD AND IRRITATING.
mary December 28, 2010 at 8:51 pm - Reply
this article is enlightening . thanks so much for posting this as now I understand more the behavior of insecure people.
Liz December 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm - Reply
I am totally aware of my insecurities and I have cause hurt & pain towards a lot of people I love and hate. Do I wish to be this way? No! Most of my insecurities stemmed from childhood abuse. I was never taught how to be comfortable in my own skin, but constantly being told how I would never amount to anything in life; in which I believed in my heart. Being insecure has caused pain to myself also, and has trapped me in a prison of anger and hurt in my mind. Reading this article has allowed me to see who I am as insecure person, and the steps I can take to change my ways of thinking about myself. I can only take one step at a time for God to heal and mend the hurt I have inside. Pray for me and e-mail me if you have any helpful tips that will encourage or educate. Thanks Liz (asikpojair@yahoo.com)
j jones December 14, 2010 at 10:27 am - Reply
GREAT.. ARTICLE…
Wondering?????????? December 12, 2010 at 9:50 pm - Reply
My darn girlfriend is this way,
I think thing’s are ok with her and then i tell her im glad she’s here and she invalidates the whole thing by acting like its no big thing,
she has no values cant accept a compliment jokes too much out of insecurity, and cant accept reality,
says stupid things out of insecuity,
i feel like saying to heck with all woman and being by myself as Im tired of the freaking game playing,
Neha December 7, 2010 at 7:16 pm - Reply
Can you tell me how one can produce their own emotional energy?
How is it acheived?
Matthew December 7, 2010 at 3:11 am - Reply
Thanks you very much for posting this article. I’m insecure about myself and this article really speaks to me. I will be checking this more often to engrave your wisdom in my brain and I have a new book to order. Many thanks :)
Jackie November 18, 2010 at 12:53 pm - Reply
Thanks for this article. It has given me a good outlook of learning and loving self more.
Rudolph du Toit October 20, 2010 at 7:00 pm - Reply
Good day!
Thank you for this article. I know now, what I always needed to know.
Mr.Rothschild October 8, 2010 at 11:20 pm - Reply
The Rich want be Richer and The Poor want be Poorer.
The Smart want to be Smarter and the Dumb want to be Dumber.
It’s a paradox shrouded in a mystery.
Thom September 30, 2010 at 2:21 pm - Reply
Brian,
How did you research this and come up with your conclusions? I’d love to dig deeper.
Lee Han September 29, 2010 at 8:01 pm - Reply
Yeah, dude. And we have 4 “Lee”s here in our office. Haha ：）
Lee Han September 29, 2010 at 4:50 am - Reply
Hey, Brian. Nice work!
U are now famous in our office.
We are from China, and we love your style.
Brian Lee September 29, 2010 at 12:01 pm - Reply
Allright! You guys just like my last name!
Tatiana September 8, 2010 at 4:22 am - Reply
I came across this website tonight because I know I have issues in my life. I’m very stressed out at the moment. I know this because i’m forgetful and I sleep all day. I’m also very sad and it’s pathetic, i know. I’m not motivated to to work and go back to school. I’m 21 years old and I do have goals in my life but I just get lazy and don’t want to do anything. When it comes to the weekends I just want to have fun with friends and indulge in alcohol and forget the drama.
I can totally relate to this section about relationships.
Ive been in a relationship with a guy and I loved him and cared for 3 years, I devoted myself to him. I smothered him a lot. I became that type of woman because I was already insecure in my life. I didn’t try to control him or anything because he can’t be controlled even if I tried to but I just always wanted to be around him. We use to be fun together but now it’s a nightmare.
He has cheated on me with a 45 year old woman and other girls too. He abuses me and tells me I’m loose down there and I’m a whore. We have a love/hate relationship and he is abusive mentally and physically. He doesn’t know when to stop hitting me and then after I get so crazy in my head that I have no control over myself or actions. Everything becomes a blur in my life. Even after he abuses me I sleep with him and next morning, we pretend like it never happened. We go out to dinner and I block it out of my mind. This has happen a lot and I know he’s a good man but he just has issues. I do care so much about him because when he is normal, he’s a good man.
We constantly break up and get back together. The last time I saw him was a few days ago and he’s going through some tough situation. His parents kicked him out of his home and he’s living with his friends. He has good parents and they are very well off. I really don’t understand why he is the way he is. I know his father is kind of a douche and he’s on medication and I really think that’s a major reason why my bf has problems. His mom is an angel, she’s not perfect, and sometimes she’s a bit goofy but she’s a good woman overall.
Right now, I know he’s on drugs and some guy is after him. He’s doing meth. It hurts me so much to see him be this type of man. I have seen my previous ex boyfriend go through this and he committed suicide. I use to be on it but I stopped hastily. I didn’t like the way it made me feel.
Many of our arguments were because i was drunk and I would start to remember all the bad memories he does to me and i’ll throw it in his face. I wasn’t helping the situation either and it’s so hard to forget him even when I try to. He can be so kind hearted but evil too.
Why do I keep going back to him? I feel like when he’s not around I’m lost and when I have him in my life I’m secure. I always feel awkward though and it’s so sad when I think that i know we don’t have a future. I pretend like everything is fine and sometimes i do feel better. I told him to leave me alone and he said he would. The truth is I don’t like what he does to me but I got so use to it and now I feel weird about myself.
I just want to meet someone who is true to me, who has goals, who loves me for the way I am. I know I’m not over my ex and I think i’m crazy too. I know this is wrong and I want it to change. I’m not normal and even if I tried to be that’s just not who i’am anymore. I think this world is cruel and people are heartless and insensitive. I’m not strung out on drugs or anything. Ive been a dumb stupid woman that has let someone take advantage of. I still love life and I’m glad to live but right now I just feel like rebelling against everything. I’m not materialistic and I don’t care about nice stuff. All i’m gonna do right now is work, survive, and be positive.
As for my bf, I hope he cleans up. I’m beginning to get over him slowly but surely. I don’t think I could love someone the way I have loved him. I told him not to call me anymore and leave me alone. All I know now is i’m broken inside and i’ll always remember this crap. I wish I never him sometimes. I was never really normal inside my head but now I really believe it. I believe in the power of change though. I’ll hope for the best and take care of myself. Whatever insecurities I feel right now, I hope they go away. If you knew me you wouldn’t even know I’m sad because I hide it very well. I don’t want my friends or people putting me down or being insensitive towards my feelings. My friends already know everything but they have their own life and responsibilities. I just feel the need to express myself and let it out. It’s different then writing it down in a journal. I feel like my feelings are out there and I don’t have to hide anything. I don’t have to be told I’m a weak woman because it makes me feel worse. I like to think of myself as a strong woman even if I’m not at the moment.
beth appleby August 22, 2010 at 7:47 am - Reply
I’ve just realised this whole article describes me, I was also in a abusive relationship that was hard for me to leave, is there any help for this?
allison August 16, 2010 at 11:35 am - Reply
i find these people exausting!!surrounded by them but its gonna change! then again i guess everyone has a bit of insecurity!great article!i had an ex that was like that!those people make u feel bad about yourself! Nextttttttttt lol
Mathieu August 16, 2010 at 8:07 am - Reply
Thank you for reminding me of private victory and public victory – I had been thinking of the ideas for a while without remembering the words for them.
People with too much insecurity are destructive, but only to those that are receptive to them – i.e. people who listen to them! People who play into their little games.
Don’t forget the ignore button! Discriminate discriminate discriminate!
But yes, we are all insecure on some level – as long as we don’t make it someone else’s problem I think we are still a decent person.
mario August 10, 2010 at 11:30 am - Reply
hi. IM MARIO ME N MY GIRLFRIEND JUST GOT N A BIG FIGHT> CAIUSE I WAS TO INSECURI. I USE TO BULLY HER EVERYTHING.OW I LOST HER CAUSE I WAS TO INSECURI. SO IM WORKIN IT>
Lyn Murphy August 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm - Reply
Often the reasons for being insecure are so deeply rooted that we can not get to the real reasons without deep inner reflection and an unflinching view of ourselves and our lives, not an easy task but worth the effort. Often what we find is what we least expected and once identified it can clear the way for a whole new life.
Lyn Murphy July 29, 2010 at 12:57 pm - Reply
Insecurity is also exacerbated by today’s emphasis on living a relative life. We seem to determine our own self worth relative to what everyone else is, has, does or wants. This leads to even more insecurity as there is always someone richer, thinner etc.. Learning to spot our own intrinsic value and learning to want what we have vs. have what we want makes all the difference.
Brian Lee July 29, 2010 at 12:58 pm - Reply
Great insight.
Chris Tommy June 28, 2010 at 6:28 pm - Reply
im really insecure and i used to be the most talkative and funny person and now i fell uncomfortable tlking to people and get really awkward, like theres a feelin in my chest. its also a tendency for me like sometimes i will be great talkative and not be awkward and have confidence to speak and sometimes im depressed and think im garbage and when i speak to people i become mean and say the wrong things that i wouldnt ever say when im secure. can u give me tips please cuz this really sucks cuz it happens with anybody at any time!
Brian Lee June 29, 2010 at 6:58 am - Reply
Security is a long-term process of introspection and building yourself. Luckily, it becomes easier with age.
Adine June 18, 2010 at 8:20 pm - Reply
I really did enjoy this article. The only thing is how do you build your confidence? I know you mentioned some things in your article. But I find it very difficult to get myself to change for the better. I feel like I can never change the way I look at things.
Peter June 16, 2010 at 8:33 am - Reply
Another type of insecurities in the boss area,are men and women that go into police forces you can see by the way they behave that they are insecure moststly of them were booled in school and know that they are police officers want to have revange
Alli June 5, 2010 at 2:36 am - Reply
It is very good,I love this blog!
shhhhab kronik June 2, 2010 at 6:38 pm - Reply
u kno wot …i didnt even kno how insecure i wuz until i red dis article…good article….in order to deal wid my insecurity i smoke weed an get high wiv my boyz…ama quit doin dat an focus on improving all these qualities dat dis writer here has written bwt hahaha..true true ama stop bein insecure…gud article..very inspirational..best article av re…actually the only article av ever read but still good article…..
Brian Lee June 2, 2010 at 10:36 pm - Reply
I’m glad you stopped by!
Johnny May 4, 2010 at 5:26 pm - Reply
i am quite needy and insecure, the sad thing is i don t even realize that i m doing it. I will lose the woman i love if i don t get some help. Even though she tells me all the time that i drive her crazy. We broke up so many times but we always get back together. Please people help me!!! I can t seem to help falling back into the same routine. Is there books to read and help me study to better myself and be more secure and not be so needy?
antatony May 4, 2010 at 1:37 am - Reply
This was very excellent! Thank you much for this. I really enjoyed the energy section. Of course, it can be vice-verse in which a partner can be secure and the other insecure & the energy is traveling one direction and then the other person is selfish from the insecurity. He/she is taking all of attention up like a sponge to tame their void.
Brian Lee May 4, 2010 at 8:32 am - Reply
Good insight and thanks for stopping by!
Jen April 4, 2010 at 4:21 am - Reply
I really enjoyed this article, I manage a large number of women at work and see so much insecurity on a daily basis. I find it difficult as I see how insecure they are and wish sometimes I could say something to them, but they only would take it personally and not be mature enough to take it as positive critsizm.
I am a woman, and need help with managing these women, sorry to say but women are at most times are selfish, rude and drain the life out of you.
They dont like to be told what to do and would rather complain than do somehting about it, huge complainers!!!!!
Brian Lee March 15, 2010 at 7:29 pm - Reply
I think that we are all insecure on some level. Some of us are more insecure than others. You tend to become more secure as you get older.
It’s impossible to be perfectly secure… the best thing is to recognize your insecurities and work on them to the best of your ability.
nora March 15, 2010 at 7:26 pm - Reply
i have been reading about insecutity in people and on this site and i am forced to admit that i am insecure. i do not know how to overcome it. i am not physically abusive but i have gotten angry and said things i wish i never had. it hurts to know that i am so insecure. if anyone has any ideas on how to help me over come my insecurities, i would be very grateful. i do not want to live my life this way anymore.
thank you all nora
Mohammad February 11, 2010 at 1:58 am - Reply
Nice article. I really enjoyed it. I think I am gonna repeat reading it couple times.
Honestly speaking, till couple days ago, I didn’t recognize that I am insecure. I felt bad a little bit but also happy that I was brave enough to admit that. I spend hour everyday to look at the symptoms of insecurity, now it’s confirmed I am insecure :).
From now on, I leave never myself alone. I am gonna support me at all times. If I succeed I will cheer me. If fails, I will lend hand and cheering also. I will never stop smiling to myself. I love you myself. I don’t need people approval anymore to my words or actions. It is enough that they express me. I am responsible for all mistakes I do.. I want to be myself. Even if I discover no one like this new person hahaha.
I want to fight and resist all negative thoughts that want to put me down.
I think every single moment deserves to be lived in happiness. Real happiness that comes from inside.
Great Pick Up Lines January 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm - Reply
Awesome post. Insecurity truly can be devastating… I was extremely insecure myself at one point. It also makes it near impossible to talk to girls sometimes. Anyway, there are ways to overcome… thanks for the article.
Leigh January 16, 2010 at 4:54 am - Reply
I really enjoyed the article. I think bringing peoples awareness to the fact that trying to eradicate these individual elements (jealousy, for instance) isn’t going to produce dramatic results until the underlying insecurity is dealt with, is really important.
Great post.
Ivan the Terrible January 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm - Reply
I feel like there has been some light shed on the subject of my insucurity. I know it takes two to tango and I will do my part to work on what I have just read to futher our relationship. Thank you
Missaup December 19, 2009 at 9:02 am - Reply
Very long and detailed list of the signs of insecurity. I especially like the part specific to women and how they are morelikely to show the signs of insecurity.
bEst online dating sites December 1, 2009 at 1:05 am - Reply
insecurity can kill you. you have to stop being affected on something and make it a big deal. just live you life happily.
nike November 23, 2009 at 12:57 am - Reply
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
Miss Molly November 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm - Reply
It seems that everything insecure people do is an extreme of what secure people would do: Secure people are funny, insecure people crack too many jokes. Secure people make intelligent contributions to a conversation, insecure people try a bit too hard to be interesting, secure people are confidant, insecure people won’t shut up about themselves, etc. Because of this, everyone accuses popular crowds at school of being the most insecure.While some children may be, others are popular because the rest simply want to emulate that security. It’s a fine line, and for teenagers like myself, it becomes blurry. Thank God I’m on the right side. :)
jeff rogers October 27, 2009 at 4:17 pm - Reply
I love this article, self confidence is the key to being successful in any area of life, glad you brought it to the forefront – My banabu 11 principles touch on this as well
zyczenia urodzinowe October 26, 2009 at 6:32 am - Reply
„A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success ”. I think the case with success is not link to the persons character. It would be easy to establish some sort of matrix. I think it’s placed somewhere between lack and work.
Great post!
KOJO October 26, 2009 at 3:23 am - Reply
your article was a real eye opener. i am writing a long assay on the topic “the role of religion in helping the people living with emotional insecurity”. i was thinking if you could please help me with any useful material on the topic as well as offer useful guidelines. its actually my final university level paper, i look forward to hear from you .
Tatiana October 17, 2009 at 1:23 pm - Reply
‘Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive women’.
Brian, how do you know if you are not a woman?
As one myself, i can say many females influenced by attractive well-built men just as much. Please enough exsuses for your, guys, ‘natural’ inclination for infidelity, you haven’t got! And you are NOT any more visual than us either!
Does making statements like this one make you feel better about your maleness? That’s insecurity.
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Anirudh K. Mahant July 2, 2009 at 5:34 pm - Reply
Great compilation of knowledge, I must say. Since we are all born in this so called World of competition, we all want to come out as Success and not Failures. No body likes failures! That’s the biggest culprit of them all, this world, this world in which they teach you right from your kindergarten to differentiate between Good and Bad, Rich and Poor, Winners and Losers and the list never ends, tell me if that is not a recipe for insecurity.
The best things Ive learned to control those bad mojos is to not try to control events or other people. Many circumstances in life are beyond your control, particularly the behavior of others. Consider that we live in an imperfect world. Learn to accept what is, for now, until the time comes when perhaps you can change things (which I hardly believe comes once in a million times).
But after all you do and achieve in your life its the MIND the greatest gift that counts in the end.
Gify July 2, 2009 at 7:09 am - Reply
Hi,
Insecurity is a hard subject I guess. The hardest think is difficulty of establish rules cos the reasons are so different for all individuals.
Maybe old post, but still very accurate I think.
The the tips are nice as well, keep up good posts!
Regards,
Janet Gify
George Thomas February 21, 2009 at 12:49 pm - Reply
This is very informative. I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle. I have always been intrested in acheiving and suceeding and have. I am a super heavy weight bodybuilder, a 6.5 level tennis player, a sucessfull self -employed health-care professional, and I have constantly been critized, bullied and belittled by managers, coworkeres and I never used to be certain why. I have been discovering over the past 12 years that people who are not sucesses as themselves but need others for outside verification hate the independent sucess story.
VendingCoach August 25, 2008 at 7:48 pm - Reply
Great article! This subject is a definite wealth building KILLER until you deal with it as I had to do. Confidence begins to come as you step out and follow your dream with determination.
Great job!
Nathaniel E. Estrada December 11, 2007 at 12:54 am - Reply
this is a great article!!! now i can change my self-image, i didn’t noticed how insecure i am till i read this article, thank you to the one who wrote this article it opened my sight of conciusness!!! great job!!!!
Experimental Pole November 5, 2007 at 5:56 pm - Reply
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Alex Ingram October 28, 2007 at 8:49 am - Reply
An excellent article. I identify myself as having a few of these descriptions and from here I feel I can only go into the right direction, i.e. build more confidence. However Im glad to see that with the bad I embody some of the good traits as well.
Lovely article once again – it has opened my eyes :-)
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harveen September 1, 2007 at 10:41 am - Reply
A lot of people don’t even recognize their insecurities, its such a big part of their everyday life. This article got me thinking and analyzing myself and my insecurities!
Matt August 29, 2007 at 2:36 pm - Reply
Great article. I just discovered your blog and really enjoy it.
For insecurity in relationships I would also add the point that some insecure men are extremely needy, always doing whatever his woman says while at the other end some insecure women enjoy bossing around and controlling men. These types of people tend to attract each other.
CreditCardRadio.com August 26, 2007 at 3:57 pm - Reply
This was a really great article and really enjoyed it. There is deep meaning here and I believe much of it to be very true to life. Many of the bosses that are very defensive and will squash people in meetings are that way because of their own insecurity. I think we have all worked for someone like this if you have lived long enough.
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HalOtis August 20, 2007 at 11:28 am - Reply
The biggest thing I’ve found about having confidence is to let the emotion follow from the action of being confident — stand up straight, keep your head up and your chest forward. Use some NLP techniques to convince your subconscious that you really are confident.
Of course it doesn’t always come easy. I’m not very confident when it comes to social events and chit chat. but giving a speech to a large audience no longer gives me butterflies. Performing in front of groups is something I did a lot of growing up, but I was usually able to avoid social situations. There is a learned skill that comes with practice. The only way to gain confidence is to force yourself into situations that push your comfort zone.
Sam Smith August 20, 2007 at 4:41 am - Reply
I really enjoyed the part about emotional energy, and especially having a sense of humor.
It reminds me of a guy I saw on the weather channel who video taped the roof being ripped off his house while he was inside it! He said the only thing that kept him and his family sane was that they were able to stay cool and keep a sense of humor about things.
As you mentioned, having too much of a sense of humor can be a bad thing when it crosses the line of appropriateness, but overall it will definintely help everyone keep their sanity.
Shine With Grace September 27, 2007 at 9:48 am - Reply
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