Sleep forever

 when i woke up this morning around 930 am i remembered carbon monoxoid poisoning from car exhaust fumes

wait until he is gone

put van in garage. lock cats outside. close gaps under inside garage door. close windows in garage. 

place burial deed and prepaid cremation on the ledge by the stairs so he sees it 

i failed at 17 when i slit my wrists with a razor blade at 8 months pregnant

i failed at 18 took a bottle of pills

failed again in my 30s taking pills

i was in the hot tub spa at the community center a few months ago and staring into the water thinking about drowning in it. the lifeguards wouldnt be able to revive me if i were on drugs that worked. it only takes 3 minutes to die without oxygen air. how long would i be underwater before someone noticed?

the bathtub at home would be best if i only had a sedative that was foolproof . i could be in the tub for an hour or more before he would even think about checking on me.

You are responsible for what you did to your child

You cant fix what you killed

 after being stabbed thousands of times with cruel words, insults, threats, viciousness

and faux strangled, hit, slapped, punched, kicked, shoved

you killed the love i had 

then think you can magically bring my death back to life according to your desire and convenience

They like the quiet ones

 The way I used to be when I was a little girl up into my 20s. 

1965.  My Age 4. Molestation began by a 16 year old male named David Newman in Kansas City, MO who was the brother of the woman named Sue who was supposed to be babysitting me. 

The quiet ones won't talk and tell what he did to her. At least that is what they think. Abusers think you won't talk and worse, they pretend like you will forget what they did to you. They even dismiss their actions as not being abusive even though they do this shit in secrecy, undercover, hiding their dreadful actions somewhere where no one else can see. In my case, David locked me in the shed in the backyard. He made fun of me when I ate, the way I "chewed my ice cream" as I sat at that kitchen table. He put me in that shed, closed the door..very dark in there.. and said "stay here i will be back" and I dreaded him coming back as I cowered in corner trying to hide myself so he couldn't see or find me . But he came back, every time. He would ask me "Where do you want it now? In the puss or in the mouth?" And I vomited. to this day the smell of semen makes me heave and vomit. 

Until later on when they grow up, get older and wiser and reveal all. Like me. If they live long enough. If they don't kill themselves first. Or be murdered by the abuser.

I have a grand niece who is almost mute. 

She is 15 years old and beautiful. Blonde, nice figure. At age 5 her grandma found out she was being sexually abused by a man who is close friends with her father. Nobody (the mother and father of the niece) wants grandma to talk to anyone and tell about the abuse this girl has suffered. The dad says "Just don't think about it or talk about it. It's no big deal," in regards to the things that have been done to his own daughter. He covers for the totally inappropriate actions of his friend, the molester. He runs the house like a tyrant dictator focusing on how hard he works how much money he spent and micromanages everyone in the house. His wife, mother of the 15 year old, is an alcoholic. She is now overweight, fat in the middle. She hurts. She was once the littlest cutest and very quiet little girl. Today she is outgoing and loud and drinks smokes cusses and works hard at her job. The night shift ..a way to avoid her husband who is an early morning day person. She puts up with his tyrannical abuse and control and even covers his bad actions and theft. Why? She is 53 years old now, mother of 3 of his children and feels obligated to pay homage to this dictator.. she has nowhere else to go, nothing else to do and is being the loyal faithful wife while he does whatever he wants to do. Lying about insurance claims, stealing and sabotaging cars, furniture, whatever he can do to get a buck. The money he is after. 

One day Madison will talk. So far she remains silent and has been in and out of psychiatric mental health care professionals, been put on drugs to "sedate, calm, help" her.  She has attempted suicide several times. She won't even give her own grandmother a hug due to fear of being touched. 

Norman was a mess like many others I have known and dealt with

 Perry Montgomery 1951-2014 junkman junker auto mechanic, heating and a/c. egotistical braggart. sex maniac. preferred young girls but would have sex with any available ones around. flirted with waitresses in front of me all the time and ignored me at home unless he wanted sex which was daily every night before going to sleep.  dirty filthy rarely showered or brushed his green teeth and green fungus filled feet and toes. wore same old filthy socks and clothes. 

Ed M 1961-now. detests cleaning anything. scatters his stuff all over home and stores junk at other peoples houses and places. Egotistical. Braggart.  thinks he is smarter than everyone else. memorizes trivia math whiz encyclopedic mind. arrogant. dirty body. shaggy hair on face and head. Major porn addiction; movies vhs tapes on his computer websites with links lots of them showing women females girls being raped in their sleep. He raped me in my sleep countless times then claimed a wife cant file charges against ther husband in the state of Missouri. Entitled acting as if he is a king. 

John Wilson 1949-2002. electrician by trade. thief criminal burglar drug addict, alcoholic, sex maniac by nature. Impregnated countless unknown number of females and never took care of any of his children or any woman he fucked. Instead he beat them up.  homeless. never kept track of anything. didnt shower or bathe often. stunk. When sober was laughing alot acting childish and fun loving. Once when he was over here he ran into my bathroom chasing me when no one was looking and forced a kiss on me. How disgusting. That day I happened to be in a good mood and smiling alot which I now realized affected his mood towards me. He would sense whatever mood i was in and if I ever felt sad or upset he would become violent hit me kick me shove me down to the ground. He closely watched other people and stole whatever he could get from anyone. Forced me to drink and I was pregnant. 

Norman R 1920-2002 junkyard home. automobile parts scattered everywhere even buried underground where he lived in raytown and when moved to kingsville, missouri until his death. hardly ever bathed when he did it was rain water with a rag. wore old rag clothes. 

John Layson 1946-2023 hoarder collector obsessed with hundreds of things. dirty filthy might go 2 weeks without taking a shower. hated cleaning anything. encyclopedic mind memorizing music trivia and math whiz. sex addiction all kinds of hard core pornography on tape dvd ..he put most of the porn in his bedroom and in the den room he called his office. his computer was filled with porn sex whipping sex slavery websites. 

Gina at Midwest Import Auto. "controller, accounting" files for customers and keys scattered all over the office. she laid me off/fired me for cleaning up her mess. she was so disorganized that the company failed. she had fake nice sweet voice at first and in public then turned into nasty bitch when i called her on the carpet she had to face the fact she was a mess. she treated her husband like total shit, acting like she was some kind of queen bee princess. she was fat but had a pretty face.  She mocked me when I said stuff like "did you know when a fly lands on something it poops every time". 

Marielle the hoarder taking 40 meds a day. she detested cleaning but did take a bath. Food addictions to all kinds especially her sweets and cookies and milk and wine . Sex addiction. said she was polyamorous. she tried to have sex with a teenage boy across the street and any male that would have her. she said sex relieved her pain and acted like people should feel sorry for her.

Mike S

I see now why no one wants me around

 history reveals thousands of incidents in my life proving to me why I am avoided, hated, disrespected

Forced to live in my own mess : myself and him

How to tell when I am not liked

People have different ways of indicating they don't like me or you

some come right out and say it directly. some lash out phyisically and hit me

some are silent, dont say a word. they ghost, avoid, neglect, ignore

wont talk to me

dont want me/you around

do not invite me to anything

no get togethers, gatherings, holiday, nothing

 isolation exclusion scapegoat avoidance neglect ignore ghost 

condemnation, lashing out in anger

saying "i dont like your personality", "i dont like you"

"i dont want you around", "I dont need you", "I dont need your input"

"you're not special"

"I dont want to hear you/it", "I dont care to hear your opinion"

"I dont care what you want"

Lives in a fantasy world in the tv, internet, magazine, cell phone

 He and lots of other people I know and have known

are more absorbed in the big screen than are in the real life

Once to display starts they are engrossed in it and ignore their own family and surroundings

Princess little girl

 I was

Perfectly pretty

perfectly clean

in a spotless new house

new everything

it wasnt a dream

it was real

it was me

before i fell in a sewer

in the other world out there

the one my grandma warned me about

little red riding hood

captured in the woods by the devil who appeared to be the white knight in shining armor

but when the sun went down his black evil came out behind closed doors

when the sun rose he went outside and appeared as an angel again to all

but me

Now I have become a queen living a public dream 

and a private nightmare

on elm street

she has two faces, one sweet and one mean

she learned this magic lesson from her king

the forked tongue serpent lashing love and pain

she dodges his daggers with her dance 

he screams. he cant catch her in his trap of fear and doubt

she bounces in her bubble he cant break

he tries to get in her 

she slips away

he thinks he will win

he doesnt know he lost her

long ago from all his little cuts and stabs 

her wounds are deep scars 

dead forever

her eyes have become lifeless. the princess sparkle gone

she sleeps, the beauty

only a true noble king can revive her

this house is filthy

 i knew it was dirty because it is difficult to deep clean around him when hes here but after getting down on my hands and knees tonight looking at the floor the baseboards closet and under the bed using a flashlight i could really see the dead bugs cobwebs dirt hairs food pieces. 

its sick and disgusting.

i saw a live spider in a web under the baseboard electric heater.

this is not me and the way i want to live.

having to creep around in the dark to wait for him to go to bed or leave the house so i can clean

Nov 27, 2024 found stains on mattress

 when changing sheets in bedroom 2

dont remember last time they were changed. its been months.

a new mattress whenever he bought it years ago.  only us two have slept in this house and on that bed as far as i know.

stain is round, dark reddish brown about 7 or 8 inches on diameter on the top layer and side on long edge of mattress. is it blood? what is it? what could it be? 

i  dont bleed. no period since 2010 march. 

wish i had a forensic lab or could hire one. 

also discovered a sealed in plastic toothpick on the floor in bedroom 2. strange. he uses those when we eat at a restaurant that has them. i dont. he uses unsealed wood toothpicks at home that he got at walmart and keeps in a dispenser on the kitchen table. as far as i know he doesnt eat in the bedroom unless hes sick and sleeping in bedroom 3 his room.

also some large yellowish mysterious stains appeared on my new queen mattress in the master bedroom a year or so after i had it. 

i checked his new mattress in bedroom 3. no stains on it.

do these new mattresses automatically stain themselves?

creepy things happen in my own house.

my acquaintances seek and are

 gary age 67 seeks 28 year old blonde beautiful russian lady. uses online communication to chat with her and says she is stuck and needs help getting out of the country. he feels sorry for her and dreams of having her. he is divorced. said ex would drink get drunk act horrible to him when he came home from work. owns real estate houses uses them as bed and breakfast. former screen writer crime fictions and arts photography entertainment field. owns later model car not sure of make and model.

vincent age 64 seeks power in politcs, running for governor in MO. decided being alone is his choice and destiny fate for now. has had countless females in various of the united states. most sex relationships brief not more than 2 years at a time. decided to remain friends with these women in various states across the country. former engineer for the city. mechanic of things and automobiles has pickup truck and car. used to store things in minnesota. 

tony g age 58 seeks 21 year latin or spanish mexican young lady/girl. he is single never married never lived with a woman as far as anyone knows. early morning riser. works 6 days a week. house is cluttered dirty needs lots of repairs. has 2 work vans. used to have full size pickup truck/chevrolet. 

darin age 58. married 28 yr old female who lives overseas in phillipines.  he sends her thousands of dollars monthly and visits her once or twice a year obviously just for the sex while he is there. early morning riser. self employed usually works 6 days a week in various places missouri and kansas. house is cluttered like a hoarder, dirty, needs repairs. 

darin seeks any female that looks good he sees anywhere be it while shopping in various stores, thrift, grocery, supply houses, hardware, auto parts, service stations.  seeks out sex partners while he is anywhere, online places like craigslist or while working or in any neighborhood. has 2 grown adult children one male one female. self employed handyman painter. last live in woman gave him sex anytime he wanted and he nailed as many other women as he could while living with her sometimes leaving earlier in the morning for work and screwing the female then returning later at home to have sex with his live in woman who loved him dearly and did all kinds of household cleaning and yard lawn work chores and held down a job and did his taxes. 

sean age 56. 

mega money man seeks mini mama so he can go back where he came from

Moderation=Merry. Misery=Much or Lack

Constantly checking the temperature. checking my room to see if heater is on and windows open or closed. HE IS, due to money/cost

My 2 cats, black tuxedo female and big white male

 black female soooo so picky will not lay anywhere he/the male cat has laid

she cleans herself for hours daily , he does not

she eats tiny amounts of food, only certain things very finicky, HE gobbles hogs inhales large amounts of food and rarely cleans himself

Facing facts: current situation

 I am not 27 years old physically anymore even though I mentally frequently think I am my younger self

Real truth: 63 year old body aging every millisecond just like all living beings

Hope for humanity or NO hope?

 a question of that concerns me deeply

i used to believe ... hope for goodness , change from evil to good and beneficial

now realizing it is the path of the individual, their innate instincts and the multiple experiences determining the changes that take place with them

Brain lock, lockbrain . Interruption causes upset and disruption

 once the mind is set on a thing it wants to stay focused

be it male, female or any other gender mix

He she desperately wants to be perfect and do the right thing

He calls me "raggedy ann"

 what a nasty thing to say

funny. the only doll i wanted when i was a little girl.

rag doll in rags with her partner mate male boy buddy, raggedy andy in overalls. 

thats about my life.

rags

dress up nice and nowhere to go unless i go by myself. he wont go anywhere nice

OVERALLS is what I need to wear

i TALK positive he LISTENS to negative

 he says he doesnt want to hear that stuff i like to listen to.. 

he calls it "pep talks"

he'd rather listen to shit that makes anyone feel like crap

money in my pocket instead of stuff in my way. minimal simplicity

he has lots of money and material things and goes for the girl that looks and acts like a teenager

I need to sell all lingerie, any cute or sexy looking clothing

 only the cute and sexy should wear things like that

Humiliation, hate, name calling. Stopped it then started doing it again

 when I was 10 years old I developed a hatred for a little girl in my history class thanks to peer pressure other kids telling me she stunk and was disgusting

her name was pam regan. pamela. a medium build blonde girl 

all the kids made fun of her behind her back. later on i discovered she had a colostomy, a procedure i knew nothing about but now i understand

then one day i was outside at the playground and the group of the "popular" girls, the ones who later became cheerleaders and had beautiful cute faces and perfect little gynmnastic bodies circled around me taunting me making fun of me calling me the derogatory name 'FLATSY' , chanting it over and over again, humiliating me for my skinny little flat chested body that had just begun developing

so i cried and cried and did for all the years to come

and that day i made a decision to never ever tease a person for their physical differences, disability or "ugliness"

but I slacked often and did it again many times, not to Pam Regan but to many other people and I need to apologize to any and all people that I ever even thought bad thoughts about, much less said nasty things to

as of today I am an ugly looking deformed monster, a real sight to UNSEE

I took pictures of myself with my cell phone the other day in the bathroom at the community center adn the mirror and camera does not lie. I look hideous for the most part. 

bad skin, half cocked twisted face, ugly to the max. twisted up spine humped up all over the left side. the ogre, hunchback of notre dame looking monster

i am no longer attractive, beautiful, pretty or even close to being cute

my hair is okay but not nearly as shiny bright long and soft as it used to be. some gray streaks here and there. dried up on the ends. 

my muscles are not toned at all. fat flab, flabby ass and legs. skin drooping dragging and skin folds hanging sideways around my once slender and taut waist i used to innocently show off, the pretty much even curves i had on the left and right sides, no longer even at all but totally lopsided, the right side looking dented in severely, the left side front appearing straight

no amount of clothes, clothing, makeup, hairdoes, fingernails, polish or money can fix the fucked up way my face and body looks

i smile and it is crooked

my fingernails bare look horrible, yellow, stained, cracker, peeling,  ridges, break easily, fall off

my hands are dried up blotchy skin show dark age spots, shriveled up

i walk off balance, crooked old looking hag witch that ought to use a cane but doesn't

quit being cocky, so self serving, so authoritarian and perfect acting judgmental, rude and hateful

being knocked down to look like piece of total shit will beat some humility into me

i am not perfect

i am out of balance

i have no right to judge anyone.. ever

no one wants anything to do with me

i have no friends, just about like it was all through school

it is no wonder he doesn't want to look at me, i wouldn't want to see that ugliness either

the only ones that seem to take up to me and like me fast are children and animals, they can sense my spirit and don't go by typical outside appearances that humans judge me by

i should dress plainly, in drab colors, dress plain and down and be sure to cover up my real shape and skin so no one can see how i really look, it is, after all, pretty scary looking 

He remains the same

 after all these years 

I look back on old emails

have memories of thousands of incidents and I realize he has not changed one bit

neither have I

-------------

he watches short clips of funny and stupid videos

likes ambient music

picks of auto/cars/trucks that need repair and fixes them, does bodywork

focuses on money, paying bills

spends countless hours working on junk

hoards very old stuff. stereo equipment speakers auto parts, plumbing, tools, videos vhs dvds, cds, records, tapes, cassette, reel to reel

buys old laptop computers from a pawn shop in olathes kansas

drinks sweet beverages, juice, sugary tea, soda and now has been drinking flavored liqours like rum whisky vodka tequila for how many years i don't know. I suspect he has been nipping the big and little bottles for many more years than i know about, doing it when i am not looking.

is cheap when it comes to certain things and

goes all out buying high dollar expensive stuff he likes for himself only like stereo equipment tools car and truck parts shoes some clothes 

hides certain things and activities i am not sure of all these things but i know of a few

cant stand to see me have buy or get a simple thing i like always cuts down what i like such as coffee drinking, owning a coffee maker

has fits of hell if he thinks i have any money makes sure that i have to spend it on utilities or some thing he knows about. the underlying idea is to keep me broke and him always having more money as he has to spend larger amounts of money at once on car insurance, house and car property taxes, house expenditures and vehicle parts etcetera

if he thought i had some money especially more than him it would make him even madder crazier more jealous hateful mean 

controlling as hell over every little thing i do starting with the expression on my face

eyeballs closely me and any mood i am in and any item i have. has to pick up look at finger my stuff then will go on and say when did you get that what good is it, you dont need that, that is frilly stuff i dont like it, that's stupid

would never buy me "frilly stuff" like jewelry rings necklaces lingerie

is easily embarassed in public about items i mention while shopping ..anything related to certain clothing items he likes or any type of thing considered sexual like lube devices underwear garments bras panties even ladies thermals

always more concerned about what the neighbors think or any person who might peep look thru the window

has total meltdown if i wear anything slightly revealing showing ass boob tits

appears polite, calm, well mannered in public, not "easily rattled" according to mark one of our neighbors, logical then switches to the opposite in front of me when no one is looking or can hear him

pitches a fit about having to pay taxes and insurance occuring every 6 months for the auto insurance and once a year for the house and automobile property taxes.. i break it down by the monthly figure average 100 a month for the house then he returns to the total amount he has to put out emphasizing how much money it is costing him

consistently tells me he pays all the bills around here for the most part and i contribute very little

tells me i dont work and dont do anything around here

will buy me something to eat at fast food restaurants, gets upset every time if we go to a nicer sit down restaurant so i have decided to never go to any place to eat with him that is not fast food

plays chess on his computer esp while listening to news uses headphones while i am home sometimes blasts the shit through the stereo and big speakers when i am here then probably when i am gone

obsessed with weather constantly watching it 

obsessed with news, used to listen to npr public radio now switched to fm 98.1

listens to all the ads playing while hearing pandora free radio playlists it makes for him

constantly focused on outside world what other people are doing

instantly judges often criticizes ridicules people even animals calling them stupid

thinks he knows what everyone should be doing

hates self analysis and reflection

cant meditate and have total silence

says i cant undertand frequently

pays bills ontime and makes sure they dont get their payment early he says they will earn interest on the money yet wants to earn interest on his money

says people dont want to pay him yet he doesnt want to pay other people for anything

wants to do everything himself

doesnt want anyone in the house but will let a few trusted people come over

is infuriated is i allow anyone in my bedroom thinking it means i am offering sex

cant stand it when i make an independent decision on anything including things like when i am driving he thinks i should turn and stop and go exactly like he does, if it differs from he would do he blows up says stop the van i am driving youre an idiot and dont know how to drive

sucks up the porn being closed doors

might be a peeper, not sure but has binocolurs

---------------

i hate listening to the news. most of it is horrible some of it is lies, lots of ads

detest advertising and commercials i wont listen to it usually skip it on the radio

and i still play freelotto

still dont give a fuck about what people think about me or the way i am dressed at home

i still talk and reveal too much..i need to work on that and be careful what i say anywhere i am where anyone can hear me talk..believe me people are listening everywhere

i am still into foods, health nutrition, vitamins, herbs natural healing

i still love to dance and like music that makes me feel like moving. music with lots of steady drum beats

i seek to understand

It takes a whole lot of things and time before I get angry

Immediate satisfaction and results he expects in most things

 instant push button

current news 

fast food

I am tired

 of flking you

id rather eff a stick

tired of wasting my time on you the holey boat

Uncle Paul behaviors hobbies and him. Very similar

 Paul

took things apart as soon as he got them. always curious as to how things work be it electronics, cars, trucks, machinery. he was a tool and die maker at one of his jobs, a machinist. automobile repairs. was perfectionistic at work his jobs and maintenance. said he has auto insurance and it would even cover my vehicle with the plan he had which i found hard to believe.

he told me he had always been a womanizer. sex was his main thing. he even said sex could fix all your problems.

in december 2015 i visited him at his apartment in olathe, ks. he was 77 years old at the time. born march 20, 1938. i came to visit as family member because i am his niece. he only had one thing on his mind, though which about scared me half to death. i was lucky that he didn't force himself upon me. 

he owned a pickup truck. he gave me some things to sell which i did finally end up selling: an old carburetor in very good condition that he said he rebuilt and had all the papers with it, a box of harry potter books in a foreign language he had received as a gift years ago from someone i don't know who.

he had 3 phone numbers at the time. one was a magic jack number, a free voip telephone. why he had 3 numbers i do not know. now i am thinking and wondering that he had these different numbers to keep his life separated into categories of activities with people; one for business, one for family one for sex escapades and adventures with different women.

he was in a relationship with a woman named georgia. pictures of him and her were on the internet on his fb photos so that is one reason i trusted him when i went to visit and found out later he was just trying to get me to drink alcohol vodka and any type of juice to get me drunk which i refused to do then attempt to screw me and have oral sex. he sent me nasty emails regarding his desire to suck my clit when i refused to participate in his nonsense.

was heavily obsessed with politics a real bernie sanders fan and pushed it on me telling me to vote for this guy and put it on facebook. i knew hardly anything about politics so at the time i posted a like on fb then later on i deleted the post as i am not political and not democrat democratic or any particular political party.

one of his email ids he used and gave me was mrlsmft which stands for lucky strike means fine tobacco. a common slogan in the 50s 60s ads for the lucky strike cigarettes. he said his peers changed the acronym to"lets screw my fingers tired".

he told me he screwed sandy, who was on old girlfriend of his brother ken, when she was visiting the house many years ago. he was good at determining "that look" he said he saw on a woman's face that indicated she was in the mood, like him, horny and wanted to fuck. so he fucked her.

Cleaning house is a nightmare at home

 He says he hates it when I move things around

Frustration mounts to accelerated levels when discovering the old outdated unusable rotten things in the hall closet today. Batteries leaking acid, old lightbulbs incandesent and spiral we will never use. 

Now he has to figure out what to do with these things. He is pissed off at me saying "I think you just want something to do. I don't understand why you are always doing that. I can't find things when you move things around. " and "I want things clean" yet he doesn't want to move things around and out of the way so the place can be properly cleaned up.

Thinking back on the past reveals that every single time I mention clearing out a closet, cleaning up a room he gets mad. 

the old clothes from his brother John incident. it tooks several years before he finally went through those clothes and got rid of some of them. he kept some of the clothes and put them in the upstairs hall closet. suits and formal shirts he probably will never wear.

I have gone through the same and similar fights with other people who hate cleaning their room or other areas. Namely clayton, rick. john layson, ed edward eddie, marielle, chuck strand, 

They say they have more important things to do, its not important. Feel demeaned lowered by such trivial tasks that maids do like cleaning toilets , washing dishes, kitchen work, cleaning entire floors, changing linens ..any household chore that pays nothing zero money. They want to buy things alot are expensive. often hoarding them saving as much as possible and when they run out of space at home will use other peoples houses yards driveways and rent or build storage units for all their stuff.

Some of these people are conniving sneaky always hiding something material and immaterial. 

They are into coin collections gold silver jewelry fancy dinnerware crystal silver china , expensive name brand items clothes electronics cars appliances . They become irate when anyone touches their car, stuff saying you might break it, beat their children for kicking the car seat spilling something scratching breaking or any type of damage to anything. Say dont use that like an electric window youll wear it out. Turn off an item as soon as youre done dont leave it on. Snap the light on if they see me in a dark room. 

Watch tv internet videos shows constantly watching other people critiqueing them. Running micromanaging all family members. 

Think they are more important and special than other people. Why not they are smarter, own all this stuff wear better clothes and shoes therefore are entitled to dominate dictate shoot orders. Best of everything except lacking empathy. 

Consumed with comparison. Never can be good enough or have enough. Smirk when I say little things make the big things. Chasing money all the time. 

Only impressed by big things. media, strangers, pro athletes, celebrities, famous people, weird things 

Easily bored 

Eats frequently.

Says i nag, am stupid and know nothing. Calls me a moron, idiot, sucker, fool, easy take, have no common sense, says i like stupid things and i talk about nonsense. Ridicules and mocks me frequently.

Obsessed with one or more of the following: sports, politics, games, chess, trivia, guiness book type of stuff, odd things like aliens ufos crop circles , weather, metal detecting, night clubs, strip bars, casinos, pornography, 

Prefers fast moving information like videos over books. Some claim to have never read a book.

Likes people who agree with everything they say and do like puppets android robots and treat them as if they are all knowing gods 

Cant deal with anyone who makes them think about themselves and contradicts anything they say or do. 

Wants to be viewed as perfect in the public eye. Status is top priority.

Instrinsic motivation is lacking.

Externally motivated. Carrot stick donkey mentality.

Only appreciates or misses me or something when i am gone for a long time. 

Wants a thing or person more if sees someone else wanting or doing it or if its going to be given away. gone. tossed out in the garbage. 

I have so many books to read and will never finish them all...

Back in 1973 when I was 12 years old, they, the doctors, called me the kc bomber.

Back in 1973 when I was 12 years old, they, the doctors, called me the kc bomber. 

I was in las vegas nevada playing pool in the house with a bunch of old men. They were physicians and people in the medical field who worked with my uncle ken mitchell who lived in vegas.

I really wasn't good at playing pool but when I played them I was doing good. 

I have played many times since then and have been poor at the game. Knocking the cue ball off the table onto the floor or having the ball go into a pocket when I break the triangle. 

age 12

Types of people i cannot outsmart

 Most types

Insane, crazy

I'm supposed to keep myself covered up while he looks at other women naked....

The look on his face..when he sees a pretty girl..the way he suddenly smiles and changes his personality

Maturity levels

 INFANT

TODDLER

PRETEEN

TEENAGER/TEEN

YOUNG ADULT

PARENT

30S

40S

50S

60S

70S

He has different states of being mature covering the full range. Lots of infantile behavior, toddler, teenager, young adult and pretending to be a parent which he never was.

Temper tantrums when anything doesn't go his way, everything is mine attitude,

 belief in control of whole environment and the people and animals and plants...obsessed with teenaged childhood things..cars, old chevy 1966 truck, porn magazines or other things like xxx sex videos on tape vhs dvd tv movies magazines showing cute young girls women females 

responsible financially, paying bills on time, keeping up with house and auto maintenance

takes zero responsiblity for the thoughts words and actions of self. blames others especially me for his bad behavior

parent dad father like behavior which is faux because he never had a baby child kid or anyone else to take care of yet acts like he knows what I should do in every situation. shoots/shooting orders, giving unsolicited advice some of it is applicable true and good alot of it is wrong

constantly saying you should do this and watch and listen to this and that 

You can run away from everyone but yourself

Weak and powerless are drawn to politics and "power" and they have none

 they have no true power

nor control over themselves

Money won't fix rotten ethics to the core

APOLOGIZE

 to everyone you have hurt

shamed, insulted

harmed or wished harm or bad things upon

criticized, humiliated, scorned

assaulted, hit, punched, kicked, grabbed, strangled, shook

pushed, shoved, knocked down

held back, stopped

called bad names

made fun of

accused, threatened

cheated on

taken advantage of, used

lied to

stole from

to anyone you made cry, miserable, unhappy

robbed of happiness, joy and fun

been sarcastic, whining, condescending, rude to

any bad thing said done or wished upon another...

then

make a personal vow, promise to 

NEVER DO SUCH THINGS AGAIN TO ANYONE

Lazy

 Some people accuse others of being lazy for the following reasons:

they don't do things they are forced to do

they do not like being pushed around by other people

the person is slow to get around

the person is not excited about doing work or anything not suited for them

the person wakes up slowly

person is not a morning early bird riser waking up full of energy to move

person is peaceful and avoids war and any kind of fighting

Cast the first stone if you are perfect

Emphatic, someone called me that

FEAR. He lives in a chronic state of fear and all of the synonyms of it.

 merriam webster definition and synonyms 

Synonyms & Similar Words

Relevance

anxiety

fearfulness

dread

panic

terror

fright

worry

horror

trepidation

scare

concern

dismay

alarm

phobia

nervousness

alarum

pang

apprehension

agitation

creeps

jitters

consternation

twinge

timidity

perturbation

cowardice

disquiet

qualm

funk

willies

discomposure

faintheartedness

timorousness

Feels like I need to call an exorcist to get the devils and demons out of him

Helicopter airplane needed for earthquake

 When I was age 5, 6 and 7 I lived in California. Earthquake city. I concluded an aircraft is needed.

adamant about me shutting off my things he is

He's so much like John it's scary

 attached to material things

goes into rage when i clean or throw things away

eats bits of crap all day long

eats while standing and moving around

focuses on money as the most important thing

doesnt like to sell things on internet or anywhere like i do

pornography obsession

collects massive amounts of things

sweets are an addiction

when drinking alcohol it is limited and can drink during the daytime or with a meal

news obsession

politics obsession

asks me how much do you think that costs about everything

asks me meaningless trivia questions about subjects i do not have any interest in

pushy pushes me

early in the morning riser

doesnt meditate

doesnt dance, has no rhythm

has to be plugged into the internet, an electronic device watching, listening to news music people talking

headphones wears often

earphones wears often

told me you dont have a business, this is not a business

treats me like and thinks i am a slave maid errand runner cleaner cook sex object 

isolates self into the home due to possessions

into big screen screens tv, imax, videos, loud blasting stereos, huge speakers

john had an alias 20 years younger than himself, he may have one too, as yet i have not discovered

prized himself on looking young 

physical hard work and moving things around

thinks owning things and money is most important top priority

thinks if he gives me something it makes up for his bad behavior and i should be happy with that

big things are only considered important

doesn't like accounting, keeping written records

get there bright and early in the morning

energy level higher in the first part of the day

spends many hours in evening sitting in recliner chair watching videos

blasts music he likes. in johns case he could tolerate my music, in mike's case he can't tolerate mine

loves cats

loves pastries, baked goods, cinnamon rolls, pies, cakes, doughnuts, donuts, cookies, candy, sweets, chocolate, individual portion size candies, ice cream especially flavored ones

likes flavored coffee and mixes

likes soda, drinks carbonated beverages with meals 

loves milk, drinks with some meals

loves bread

has high blood pressure

favorite view, womans ass

loves to buy on ebay, doesn't sell things

thinks he gets the best deal on things he buys

swap n shop, flea markets lover

minimizes the work I do, the small little things I cherish

avoids going to the doctor, health care 

No one is going to help me do anything. Nobody wants me to live, be alive.

strange printers on my home network. other items appear also

 DIRECT-00-HP ENVY Photo 7800

Brother HL-L2405

rk312x phone

ralink linux

Network scanner november 8, 2024

 found a scanner called fing and installed it

now i discovered an unknown mobile device using android 12 on our home network

the app shows me when all things go online or offline

now i need to find that mystery device he is using in our house

Enthusiasm is attractive to most people. Joy. Jumping. Playing.

Getting started is hard

its difficult for me for most things i think i need preparation for

getting out the door from the house is a miracle

a project or activity that will take too long is hard for me to begin

if i know it will take me time to finish and i know i will be interrupted by someone i avoid starting it

the result is i dont get much done that i want to do

if i lnow

 

I Am S

 i need an s website

simple stupid

small skinny

smart savvy 

sexy 

sarcastic sassy

sage 

smooth

People complain. People praise.

 during my life i witnessed people complaining and other people praising everywhere.

every home i have visited or lived in.

every place of work business

in the news. on all media formats

on the internet

There are whiners who have no solutions.

There are winners with solutions.

Put your mouth where your money is

He repeats himself incessantly going on and on with details of anything showing he doesn't understand but is trying to

 

He repeats himself incessantly going on and on with details of anything showing he doesn't understand but is trying to and only talks about and does what interests him

he has trouble understanding many things and will talk around in circles for days, weeks, months and years in an attempt to explain something that I already know/knew and understood quickly

he explains things to me that I don't need an explanation for, talking down to me in a condescending manner as if I am an idiot or a small child, telling me "you don't understand", "you can't understand"

his priorities and interests are:

 old cars trucks, working on cars lawn mowers , weed eaters, chainsaws, electronics.

money, gold, silver, politics. playing computer chess   looking up old cars on craigslist, buying things off ebay. shopping at stores and restaurants that have fast food . flea market super flea 63rd street swap n shop. 

keeping old things even unusuable. walking at one park cave springs art clark memorial nature center. 

his whole personality changes when someone else is around

 its like i dont exist

he laughs and giggles around tony

he shows people his political news nonsense, plays music he likes

he talks about his interests only always directing the conversation 

his voice is normal tone even lower than usual , does not yell blame threaten accuse like he does to me

feel like all my efforts go down the drain

Watch others

 and allow them to do what they want without interfering

they will self destruct 

they will proliferate and become livelier and better

this is one of the most difficult things to do when I or you know they are being detrimental to themselves thus affecting everyone else around them due to their destructive thoughts and behavior

Things that don't think (about what they are doing)

 hair growing, fingernails

instant likes and dislikes

physical body reactions

hunger

attraction/repulsion

Adult is maxed out child and teen behaviors

Memory memories types kinds of

 Brain memory

Cell cellular

Organ

Experience

Physical

Muscular muscle

Instinct instinctual

Universal connection

Imagined imaginary

Fixed

Fluid flexible

  satisfying his immediate needs and wants is the most important thing of all

let the house be a  jumbled up dirty filthy mess

let the dishes and dirty laundry pile up

Energy levels. Temperature. Climate.

 My energy level is typically higher late in the day. Always has been since I was a child.

His is much earlier.  9, 10, 11 am .. for years pushing his get up in the morning early and do things. Just go out to flea markets, walk, shop, etcetera and rush through everything.

I have dealt with early birds being forceful of their hours upon me my entire life. They insist that the only way is to do stuff during daylight, be early, get there first, do the Monday morning rush idea...if you aren't first in line you might lose out.

early birds act like everything must be a fKKing fight, a competition, cut throat me or him/her, do or die. a battle..life must be a constant war.

I have had many day jobs and night jobs. I could never force my system to successfully adhere to the early morning early bird ways regardless of what I have tried and done.

I detest cold weather. Anything below 70 degrees. 75 and up is preferred. HOT with bright sunshine is the best for me. I would be best off living somewhere with desert and tropical close by. 

I visited Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada and lived in Garden Grove Huntington Beach California when I was a child. I loved the weather. Always things to do outside. Active. 

Kansas City Missouri or Kansas is one of the absolute worst places for me to live year round. 

when october comes I dread living.

Fanatic I am NOT

 Groupie I am not

I do not strictly adhere to one group or one person or one book or someone else's viewpoints and rules 100%

I pick up information in various places worldwide, locally and from past experiences.

When she stops talking, when she's quiet watch out. It is the end

 she stops cooking for you or limits the amount 

doesn't want to eat with you

doesn't want to go anywhere with you

quits calling when you are gone for hours

doesn't give advice or tips 

she doesn't cry when thinking about you being dead

she is cold, closed off and doesn't care anymore

she doesnt want to dress up in cute or nice clothes

she quits makeup and hair 

He/she thinks he/she knows what everyone else should be doing. OUTSIDE focus not INSIDE reflection

 this is main source of misery. hating self reflection, hating mirrors, hating to be told what he/she said and did, not admitting words or actions, denying what he/she said or did, 

instead of focusing only on what he is doing and looking in the mirror he constantly monitors others judging criticizing 

always focused on outside, looking watching all neighbors, cranks head to see the people anywhere he is, driving, walking, in a store, any place

cannot will not focus full attention on me and what i am saying when i am talking to him. insteaad is easily distracted answers cell phone right away, if looks at me will find a flaw with something about me immediately such as my hair, my eyes makeup clothing anything to nitpick criticize me and not listen to a word i am saying

this behavior of focusing on others misinterpreting things blaming yelling screaming accusing fighting picking fights attacking is the same as the relatives/family members i have known, most of which are dead; karen, jerry, john, marjorie, norman, dorothy, 

This is what happens when I am

 ignored, shunned. disrespected, called bad names, mocked, 

i feel like crap. act like a bitch. stay away from him. avoid contact. stay my room most of the time.

Why should I break my back to please? It's already broken and getting worse by the minute.

 killing myself will not please the unappreciative devils

it won't do any good to go out of my way to please anyone regardless of their inner nature

the only solution is to be myself, do what i can do to make myself happy and feel better. look good as a result of feeling good then that will please most anyone to see me be pleased.

i have tried all of my life to soothe the savage beasts. it does not work. 

Why Should I Feed A Monster? They just become bigger monsters.

 why should I care what he/she eats? he/she doesn't care about what they are eating and drinking. 

any info I volunteer about food, health and nutrition is ignored.

when he/she changes their food or drink consumption their personality and interests remain the same.

inherently evil or good.

Knowing a thing and keeping quiet about it is most difficult

Do we become the parent, the person who influenced us as a child according to the situation at hand?

 I realize I take on the personality of several people who raised me or whoever had influence when I was growing up. I think of my father, talkative, friendly, loud, open, generous, fun loving and honest. Coffee. Reading. He did not know a stranger. He associated with anyone regardless of status. These are things I do.

My mother, quiet, steady, ethical, intolerant of criminal behavior yet she lived in poverty area northeast kansas city missouri after the divorce in 1971 and she prayed for people, felt sorry for them and thought her model behavior would change them, save them and help these people. Like her mother, my grandma sarah, she was religious, church going, faith believer, held her head up high, always tried to look her best with matching clothes, hair done and makeup. 

Mom had strength in silence. Kept to herself most of the time. Great at saving money. Pinching pennies was the only way to survive in ghetto poverty where anyone anywhere, neighbors or strangers stole anything you had. She loved children, reading, writing, drawing, dancing, sewing. Vitamins, herbs. Tea. I also love those things.

Have I finally discovered/realized the same thing that lots of other people already know about psychology?

a person takes on the characteristics of influencers, of those who had power over us when we were children.

this insight might explain behavior of myself and other people. 

False beliefs he has

 His Back pain is caused by kidneys

Getting tired is the result of doing things, being active

Cows milk is good for cats and all humans regardless of age

If he can see my skin it means i want sex

If i talk to a male it means i like him, would have sex with him and he thinks i will

If i was around a naked woman i might want to have sex with her

He has his own definitions for words which are not congruent with the dictionary

The government offices, businesses, banks etc know all about him and history of what he has done and make decisions to rip him off

Certain ethnic groups and those immigrants from other countries are bad people and dont belong here

A person can be molded, changed if you know how to do it

I am stupid and think i know everything

I dont listen

I dont care about other people because i dont spend hours everyday watching and listening to alternative conspiracy theory news like he does

Most people are also stupid and need to wake up

Most people are brainwashed and dont know the truth

Good leaders knock some heads and use force to take over and be powerful

A child who has everything they need is spoiled and often lacks motivation and amounts to nothing

Back pain is horrible now. finished eating. living with norman bates

 730 pm, should be 830 pm due to clocks going back one hour lastnight

finished eating breakfast at 6 pm, just had 2 oatmeal bars and some nuts done at almost 730

havent gone anywhere since last wednesday. hardly any exercise. ate in my bedroom tonight. each time i eat in the kitchen/living room area he attacks me with news forcing me to watch shit like last night's attack 

...thinking about how i end up practically living in this master bedroom...just like, guess who? his mother who lived here when i moved in december 15, 1991 and she moved out in july 1992

i am reminded of norman bates character in alfred hitchcock movie psycho.. 

he was gone most of the day til about 430 pm then he fixed some salad ate it and the food i made by himself in his recliner and has been sitting in the chair with headphones plastered over his ears listening to probably the same old shit .. it is just like i am not here at all and the only times he deals with me is when he wants something, sex, a bill paid, a chore, to tell me how he thinks i ought to be, to do something, shoot orders at me, block me, stop me..

he called me a fucking idiot and stupid again last night. said i need to wake up and know what is going on in the world..did i know spain had a whole years worth of rain in a day recently..well that could happen here, our weather is fucked up due to man's doings..all the heat created from jets etcetera...

I don't care to hear it. Your drivel, excuses. Negativity. News of destruction and death....

she makes him feel like a man...

 that cute little weakling that couldn't fight her way out of a wet paper bag

weak incompetent fool,scared like a child who can't understand the weather

 and believes in foolish things like being in control of things like the weather which we are not

beats his chest scream yells cries out thinking he is in control when he is just looking like a fool

Things my father said. He told/spoke the truth. MVP. Most valuable player, most important of all. TRUTH. Ethics.

 If I had to live my life over again I would focus on one thing, one job instead of trying to do it all, to do everything.  Become good at ONE thing

He, (referring to my husband), doesn't want you to go to college and get an good education. Then you won't need him anymore.

He told me about how the men at the shop would get young girls and screw them in the backroom

Illuminati goals to make one race, Interbreed the many ethnic backgrounds combine them to make the best of all humans/humanity.

You are looking for love in all the wrong places, like the song.

He supported anyone in their ventures, jobs, abilities, intelligence, capabilities.

He had faith in me. He showed me mechanic work, electrical, and never called me stupid or incapable. He was confident in my abilities just like my mother, Ruth.

Sex: It lasts a short time, 10, 15, 20 minutes. What are you going to do the rest of the time in the relationship after the sex is over with?

Always a square deal was his work motto on his business cards for WILSON ELECTRIC, he established in 1969. I was eight years old.

He was a Master Electrician, held the license for Sylvania Lighting.

He studied the books. He was always reading lots of things. Read the newspaper, morning and night daily.

I like to write so he found an article in a newspaper about a person who wrote personal letters for other people and made money doing it.

I wrote poems. I wrote letters to the editor and sent to the Kansas City Star newspaper. He also wrote one sent to the paper and it was published. I used to have that paper but tossed it many years ago. Big mistake on my part. Wish I would have kept the paper with his story about how things used to be versus the way they are today. ....maybe I could get the archives of the newspaper somehow...

Only times he looks at me is when he wants something from me or to tell me what to do.

 avoids looking directly into my face unless it is during sex

All of the stuff and money and still we want NATURE....

Wanting to do many things to wanting to do nothing. Is it a sign of death? Or being tired?

My mother. Mom

 liked to sew. embroidery. pillowcases. doilies. art sketching drawing painting writing. dolls. pretty dolls placed on the top of toilet tank. dolls that covered a roll of toilet paper. 

she liked to smoke winston red king size cigarettes, full regular strength. 2 or 3 cigs smoked per day. drank instant lipton iced tea eith sugar. and pepsi and koolaid, wylers drink mixed with sugar. 

liked crossword puzzles.astrology. true story national enquirer crime magazines. christian . church every sunday. religious. followed tv celebrities. watched lots of television. listened to the radio often. rock and roll music. star 102 station. she had a keychain with that radio station i found in her things after she died.

she loved to dance and swim and liked warm hot weather. wanted to go to germany. german being one of her ethnic background blood heritage. english. scotch irish and pennsylvania dutch the others.

prayed for everybody. believed in faith healing. no street drugs or alcohol. spent her whole life with poor white trash trying to help those who didnt wouldnt or couldnt help themselves. persecuted and domineered by her own mother. ridiculed belittled by her step father. he and her mom called her a fat lazy bitch . 

she worked minimum wage jobs. factory work. maid. child care. laundry mat. thrift store was the last job she had before she died of a heart attack at 64 in december 2003. 

she lived in poverty.

she wore makeup everyday. dreamed of being a model. fixed her hair as best as she could daily. used hairspray. took long hot baths in the evening before bedtime. in her 50s she started getting up at 7 am. preferred 8-9 am . 

ruth louise dringman wilson foust, born may 1939

Those who expect me to be available at the drop of a hat...

 and cater to their whims of the moment

they don't give me much notice or no notice about anything

expect me to do what they want and be available instantly yet they will drag on and on when i want them to do something and will come up with any excuse in the world to avoid doing what i like or want or need

they refuse to do things with me that i like

scream at me stuff like fix me something to eat!  clean it up!

say stuff like it's no big deal, i dont care what you think or what you want, that is stupid, what are you, a moron? 

Foods seem to be the main issue wherever I go

 All of the countless people I have lived with, the jobs I have had, the places I've been bring back tons of memories of food experiences.

Most people in most homes I have been in and watchful over their food. Some seem to count every bite each other takes. They take note of their food, your food, my food. What are you eating and drinking? How much do you eat? When do you eat at what times of day? Does it smell? Does it give off an offensive odor? Who is responsible for cooking it and cleaning up the mess of dirty dishes, pots, pans, counter and tabletop?

And, most importantly ; Who paid for it? Who bought the food and drink? In some cases it doesn't matter who paid for it, i am still watched like a hawk as if I am a food criminal.

In this house scenario I provide most of the necessary food around here. Meat, vegetables, fruit, milk, butter, spices, eggs. I cook most of it. 

the other person runs around eating many different things like candy, chips, cookies, crackers, cereal, doughnuts, muffins,  jerky, salami, beef stick, cheese, ice cream, mini chocolate bars,  all day long until about 1 to 2 hours before bedtime. bits and bites. snacks and sugary drinks: tea, fruit juice, gatorade sports drinks, soda pop. an occassional alcholic beverage: beer, wine, whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka. typically his meals are not timed or planned. he doesn't seem to wait until he is really hungry. how can one get really hungry when they snack on bits all day long? he doens't keep track of what he eats. he just eats it out of nervousness I suppose.

then, when i go to eat my first meal of the day, breakfast, sometimes as late as 8 o'clock at night, he watches me like a predator, eyeballing what i have and just how much isk on the plate or in the bowl and how much i eat.

geejus chreeist i only weigh 125 lbs, normal height is 5 feet 6 and 1/2 inches. my severe spine curvature knocked me down to five foot three and 3/4 inch so i will use my supposed to be height over five feet six. 

In poor ghetto households I have lived in, food is a major source of stress and monitoring, forever watching what anyone else is eating and usually starving hungry. Eating lots of processed trash. Lots of the poor people don't know how to eat good food, don't know how to prepare a proper home cooked meal with basic staples,  don't know how to shop for groceries and plan meals, can't make food last and make sure to have plenty of food for leftovers. 

Poor, as well as rich in some cases, load up their grocery carts or go into stores and buy lots of soda pop, sweet drinks, energy, gatorade, sports drinks. Carts full of food that is fast, processed and, to them, easy to make because they don't know how to make things from scratch such as gravy, noodles such as macaroni and cheese with meat or fish in it.  their carts usually lack fresh produce like salad fixings and fresh fruit. 

If your value is equal to your money then why is the pretty cute girl with no money sought after the most?

From prettiest girl in the mall, the room, the area to one of the ugliest around anywhere

One of my ex's today

he turned into a fat, dirty, ugly, mole covered pig who is now drinking hard liquor margaritas every night. he used to be in skinny good shape and pretty good looking. he never drank alcohol, just soda pop daily about two 2 liters a day. 

long filthy hair and unshaven dirty face moustache and beard hair. still dirty as fuck like he was 43 years ago. uses his hands grabs his filthy bare feet while talking pets the dog and twists and twirls his hair. 

he is still a money hungry fool. thinks if he just had enough money he can get any woman he wants. he still talks loud and slow, giving lots of details about whatever personal things and incidences happening or have happened in his life. he rambles on about how smart he is: "I am not stupid" he will be the first to tell anyone, 

and this is the one telling everyone what a real street whore i was. he says i fucked every guy on the street. he fails to mention why i left him and why i was going out with different men and left several times before finally getting a divorce. 

he doesnt tell people how slovenly he was, selfish, porn addicted, thieving, lying, cheating, childish throwing temper tantrums over anything including small stupid things like a game of monopoly or spades or poker. he fails to mention how i found out he was going to strip bars supposedly only during his lunch break at work so i naturally thought he was picking up naked whores who danced at these bars they call taverns lounges gentlemen clubs night clubs. weird, he doesn't even like to dance, doesnt like dancing music such as rhythm and blues, disco or the like. he was obviously in there to look at and maybe grab some naked asses bodies females girls women and tits boobs and have sexual encounters with god knows who while i was at home being the good little wife and mother taking care of 2 kids and the house and all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. 

what a twisted world we live in where chasing sex anywhere and everywhere for men whether they are married or not is considered normal behavior. the norm. all he has to do is have a job somewhere or do work through self employment, bring in some money and he is free to roam and do whatever he wants.

he doesnt have to take care of the children, shop, cook, clean house, wash all the clothes or even do all the yard maintenance or take out the trash. she, the wife slave, can do all of that worthless maid stuff.

 he can use "HIS" money to buy anything he wants and scream his head off because his wife and kids needs clothes and food and soap and personal necessities. he makes her clamp down on the spending, the budget and she scrimps and saves on groceries, utilities like water, gas, electric and telephone and gasoline, so he can use his money to buy expensive cars, trucks, hunting, camping, sports equipment, electronics, guns, lots of porn magazines and movies, tv cable subscriptions, movie rentals, vacations, tools, art collections, coin collections, music vinyl records cds tapes radios stereos speakers ...........

You don't need money with a face like that" some song lyrics

 however if you take their money, any material thing or service work, they want something in return: sex, fucked, sucked, bounced, used up like a sex doll

having sex with them is the worst thing to do. if you do you are now a dirty filthy slut whore and any guy around thinks he can get his dick into your pussy or mouth even if you only had sex with one man; correction adult male body with an adolescent mind

once it happens there is zero respect, the rumors spread, life is ruined

Formula For Success: LOOK GOOD, Dress Right, Work Smart, Win the lottery.

 Stay away from most people.

eventually I find out a lot of them are idiots. fools,

jealous, mean, back stabbing 2 faced lying judgemental takers

not everyone, just a lot of people I have encountered and ended up with.

The most precious treasure in the world is finding an ETHICAL person.

A real friend. Kind. Rare breed. I dont have any friends here. Mine are dead or gone.

No knight in shining armor exists. No one is going to save rescue me. Ugly ass holes are all over. I don't want anyone.

I played slot machines in Las Vegas when I was 12 years old... 1973

 I want to go the Vegas again.

Accepted as you are, this is what I want. He, she, you wants this

 and even when the person is a rude, dirty, stupid mess they think that other people and their partner should accept them as they are

politeness is known by all and is learned in childhood

some people stay nice to all some turn into rude mean jerks with those closest to them and think this is acceptable behavior

In the beginning they try to impress you. Eventually they don't give a fuck about you/me

 he/she will take you out to places, maybe try new and different things and pretend they are interested in things they don't care about

after time passes they don't care if you are there or not. 

you're always around. dependable. predictable. they aren't trying to impress you. they think you are committed to them.  there is no fear of losing you. then they simply do not care anymore. they aren't trying to impress. instead, criticism and avoidance takes over.

time spent together becomes misery instead of joy. plans are not made because they don't want to be obligated to any time frame where you might spend a few hours together alone.

dates don't exist anymore. 

they don't want to listen to you. they have heard all of what you have to say before and don't want to hear it again. he/she thinks they know what you are going to say and won't even spend 30 seconds listening to the last half of your sentence.

there is no excitement. no thrill. no fun. they are not glad to see me/you even after i have been gone 4 or more hours in a day. even when we haven't seen each other for 14 hours after he takes off and goes to archie missouri to visit his friend.

it tooks 2 weeks of separation during a freezing spell when i couldn't come home before he even missed me back in february 2021 or 2022. it was feb. 21 our wedding anniversay. missed with no celebration as usual. 

the new relationships, the exciting person they don't live with, the ones they don't see everyday are the people who will get more attention than the usual old boring mate/woman/female/wife/man/husband

being married or committed and loyal, always being there might be one of the worst things to do. human ways, society's methods may be wrong to practice things like cohabitation, commitment and marriage. any long term relationship seems to fade away. people take each other for granted. they don't give a fuck anymore.

i feel like a spot on the wall. an unlooked at and unappreciated picture. a common nobody who means nothing to him or anyone except maybe my grandson.

this treatment now after 33 years is not new.  the contempt, disgust, criticism and control began a little bit at a time shortly after one year of being together. i thought it would get better. it didn't. it got worse.

i wrongly assumed that if i only did the things he wanted me to do then he would be happy. well, i did most of the things i could do in the beginning and kept it up for many years. nothing made him happy. 

i have forfeited years of my life and hundreds of things i like to do, trapped myself in this room, got rid of lots of my things and just about become a cripple.