This is what happens when I am

 ignored, shunned. disrespected, called bad names, mocked, 

i feel like crap. act like a bitch. stay away from him. avoid contact. stay my room most of the time.

Why should I break my back to please? It's already broken and getting worse by the minute.

 killing myself will not please the unappreciative devils

it won't do any good to go out of my way to please anyone regardless of their inner nature

the only solution is to be myself, do what i can do to make myself happy and feel better. look good as a result of feeling good then that will please most anyone to see me be pleased.

i have tried all of my life to soothe the savage beasts. it does not work. 

Why Should I Feed A Monster? They just become bigger monsters.

 why should I care what he/she eats? he/she doesn't care about what they are eating and drinking. 

any info I volunteer about food, health and nutrition is ignored.

when he/she changes their food or drink consumption their personality and interests remain the same.

inherently evil or good.

Knowing a thing and keeping quiet about it is most difficult

Do we become the parent, the person who influenced us as a child according to the situation at hand?

 I realize I take on the personality of several people who raised me or whoever had influence when I was growing up. I think of my father, talkative, friendly, loud, open, generous, fun loving and honest. Coffee. Reading. He did not know a stranger. He associated with anyone regardless of status. These are things I do.

My mother, quiet, steady, ethical, intolerant of criminal behavior yet she lived in poverty area northeast kansas city missouri after the divorce in 1971 and she prayed for people, felt sorry for them and thought her model behavior would change them, save them and help these people. Like her mother, my grandma sarah, she was religious, church going, faith believer, held her head up high, always tried to look her best with matching clothes, hair done and makeup. 

Mom had strength in silence. Kept to herself most of the time. Great at saving money. Pinching pennies was the only way to survive in ghetto poverty where anyone anywhere, neighbors or strangers stole anything you had. She loved children, reading, writing, drawing, dancing, sewing. Vitamins, herbs. Tea. I also love those things.

Have I finally discovered/realized the same thing that lots of other people already know about psychology?

a person takes on the characteristics of influencers, of those who had power over us when we were children.

this insight might explain behavior of myself and other people. 

False beliefs he has

 His Back pain is caused by kidneys

Getting tired is the result of doing things, being active

Cows milk is good for cats and all humans regardless of age

If he can see my skin it means i want sex

If i talk to a male it means i like him, would have sex with him and he thinks i will

If i was around a naked woman i might want to have sex with her

He has his own definitions for words which are not congruent with the dictionary

The government offices, businesses, banks etc know all about him and history of what he has done and make decisions to rip him off

Certain ethnic groups and those immigrants from other countries are bad people and dont belong here

A person can be molded, changed if you know how to do it

I am stupid and think i know everything

I dont listen

I dont care about other people because i dont spend hours everyday watching and listening to alternative conspiracy theory news like he does

Most people are also stupid and need to wake up

Most people are brainwashed and dont know the truth

Good leaders knock some heads and use force to take over and be powerful

A child who has everything they need is spoiled and often lacks motivation and amounts to nothing

Back pain is horrible now. finished eating. living with norman bates

 730 pm, should be 830 pm due to clocks going back one hour lastnight

finished eating breakfast at 6 pm, just had 2 oatmeal bars and some nuts done at almost 730

havent gone anywhere since last wednesday. hardly any exercise. ate in my bedroom tonight. each time i eat in the kitchen/living room area he attacks me with news forcing me to watch shit like last night's attack 

...thinking about how i end up practically living in this master bedroom...just like, guess who? his mother who lived here when i moved in december 15, 1991 and she moved out in july 1992

i am reminded of norman bates character in alfred hitchcock movie psycho.. 

he was gone most of the day til about 430 pm then he fixed some salad ate it and the food i made by himself in his recliner and has been sitting in the chair with headphones plastered over his ears listening to probably the same old shit .. it is just like i am not here at all and the only times he deals with me is when he wants something, sex, a bill paid, a chore, to tell me how he thinks i ought to be, to do something, shoot orders at me, block me, stop me..

he called me a fucking idiot and stupid again last night. said i need to wake up and know what is going on in the world..did i know spain had a whole years worth of rain in a day recently..well that could happen here, our weather is fucked up due to man's doings..all the heat created from jets etcetera...

I don't care to hear it. Your drivel, excuses. Negativity. News of destruction and death....

she makes him feel like a man...

 that cute little weakling that couldn't fight her way out of a wet paper bag

weak incompetent fool,scared like a child who can't understand the weather

 and believes in foolish things like being in control of things like the weather which we are not

beats his chest scream yells cries out thinking he is in control when he is just looking like a fool

Things my father said. He told/spoke the truth. MVP. Most valuable player, most important of all. TRUTH. Ethics.

 If I had to live my life over again I would focus on one thing, one job instead of trying to do it all, to do everything.  Become good at ONE thing

He, (referring to my husband), doesn't want you to go to college and get an good education. Then you won't need him anymore.

He told me about how the men at the shop would get young girls and screw them in the backroom

Illuminati goals to make one race, Interbreed the many ethnic backgrounds combine them to make the best of all humans/humanity.

You are looking for love in all the wrong places, like the song.

He supported anyone in their ventures, jobs, abilities, intelligence, capabilities.

He had faith in me. He showed me mechanic work, electrical, and never called me stupid or incapable. He was confident in my abilities just like my mother, Ruth.

Sex: It lasts a short time, 10, 15, 20 minutes. What are you going to do the rest of the time in the relationship after the sex is over with?

Always a square deal was his work motto on his business cards for WILSON ELECTRIC, he established in 1969. I was eight years old.

He was a Master Electrician, held the license for Sylvania Lighting.

He studied the books. He was always reading lots of things. Read the newspaper, morning and night daily.

I like to write so he found an article in a newspaper about a person who wrote personal letters for other people and made money doing it.

I wrote poems. I wrote letters to the editor and sent to the Kansas City Star newspaper. He also wrote one sent to the paper and it was published. I used to have that paper but tossed it many years ago. Big mistake on my part. Wish I would have kept the paper with his story about how things used to be versus the way they are today. ....maybe I could get the archives of the newspaper somehow...

Only times he looks at me is when he wants something from me or to tell me what to do.

 avoids looking directly into my face unless it is during sex

All of the stuff and money and still we want NATURE....

Wanting to do many things to wanting to do nothing. Is it a sign of death? Or being tired?

My mother. Mom

 liked to sew. embroidery. pillowcases. doilies. art sketching drawing painting writing. dolls. pretty dolls placed on the top of toilet tank. dolls that covered a roll of toilet paper. 

she liked to smoke winston red king size cigarettes, full regular strength. 2 or 3 cigs smoked per day. drank instant lipton iced tea eith sugar. and pepsi and koolaid, wylers drink mixed with sugar. 

liked crossword puzzles.astrology. true story national enquirer crime magazines. christian . church every sunday. religious. followed tv celebrities. watched lots of television. listened to the radio often. rock and roll music. star 102 station. she had a keychain with that radio station i found in her things after she died.

she loved to dance and swim and liked warm hot weather. wanted to go to germany. german being one of her ethnic background blood heritage. english. scotch irish and pennsylvania dutch the others.

prayed for everybody. believed in faith healing. no street drugs or alcohol. spent her whole life with poor white trash trying to help those who didnt wouldnt or couldnt help themselves. persecuted and domineered by her own mother. ridiculed belittled by her step father. he and her mom called her a fat lazy bitch . 

she worked minimum wage jobs. factory work. maid. child care. laundry mat. thrift store was the last job she had before she died of a heart attack at 64 in december 2003. 

she lived in poverty.

she wore makeup everyday. dreamed of being a model. fixed her hair as best as she could daily. used hairspray. took long hot baths in the evening before bedtime. in her 50s she started getting up at 7 am. preferred 8-9 am . 

ruth louise dringman wilson foust, born may 1939

Those who expect me to be available at the drop of a hat...

 and cater to their whims of the moment

they don't give me much notice or no notice about anything

expect me to do what they want and be available instantly yet they will drag on and on when i want them to do something and will come up with any excuse in the world to avoid doing what i like or want or need

they refuse to do things with me that i like

scream at me stuff like fix me something to eat!  clean it up!

say stuff like it's no big deal, i dont care what you think or what you want, that is stupid, what are you, a moron? 

Foods seem to be the main issue wherever I go

 All of the countless people I have lived with, the jobs I have had, the places I've been bring back tons of memories of food experiences.

Most people in most homes I have been in and watchful over their food. Some seem to count every bite each other takes. They take note of their food, your food, my food. What are you eating and drinking? How much do you eat? When do you eat at what times of day? Does it smell? Does it give off an offensive odor? Who is responsible for cooking it and cleaning up the mess of dirty dishes, pots, pans, counter and tabletop?

And, most importantly ; Who paid for it? Who bought the food and drink? In some cases it doesn't matter who paid for it, i am still watched like a hawk as if I am a food criminal.

In this house scenario I provide most of the necessary food around here. Meat, vegetables, fruit, milk, butter, spices, eggs. I cook most of it. 

the other person runs around eating many different things like candy, chips, cookies, crackers, cereal, doughnuts, muffins,  jerky, salami, beef stick, cheese, ice cream, mini chocolate bars,  all day long until about 1 to 2 hours before bedtime. bits and bites. snacks and sugary drinks: tea, fruit juice, gatorade sports drinks, soda pop. an occassional alcholic beverage: beer, wine, whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka. typically his meals are not timed or planned. he doesn't seem to wait until he is really hungry. how can one get really hungry when they snack on bits all day long? he doens't keep track of what he eats. he just eats it out of nervousness I suppose.

then, when i go to eat my first meal of the day, breakfast, sometimes as late as 8 o'clock at night, he watches me like a predator, eyeballing what i have and just how much isk on the plate or in the bowl and how much i eat.

geejus chreeist i only weigh 125 lbs, normal height is 5 feet 6 and 1/2 inches. my severe spine curvature knocked me down to five foot three and 3/4 inch so i will use my supposed to be height over five feet six. 

In poor ghetto households I have lived in, food is a major source of stress and monitoring, forever watching what anyone else is eating and usually starving hungry. Eating lots of processed trash. Lots of the poor people don't know how to eat good food, don't know how to prepare a proper home cooked meal with basic staples,  don't know how to shop for groceries and plan meals, can't make food last and make sure to have plenty of food for leftovers. 

Poor, as well as rich in some cases, load up their grocery carts or go into stores and buy lots of soda pop, sweet drinks, energy, gatorade, sports drinks. Carts full of food that is fast, processed and, to them, easy to make because they don't know how to make things from scratch such as gravy, noodles such as macaroni and cheese with meat or fish in it.  their carts usually lack fresh produce like salad fixings and fresh fruit. 

If your value is equal to your money then why is the pretty cute girl with no money sought after the most?

From prettiest girl in the mall, the room, the area to one of the ugliest around anywhere

One of my ex's today

he turned into a fat, dirty, ugly, mole covered pig who is now drinking hard liquor margaritas every night. he used to be in skinny good shape and pretty good looking. he never drank alcohol, just soda pop daily about two 2 liters a day. 

long filthy hair and unshaven dirty face moustache and beard hair. still dirty as fuck like he was 43 years ago. uses his hands grabs his filthy bare feet while talking pets the dog and twists and twirls his hair. 

he is still a money hungry fool. thinks if he just had enough money he can get any woman he wants. he still talks loud and slow, giving lots of details about whatever personal things and incidences happening or have happened in his life. he rambles on about how smart he is: "I am not stupid" he will be the first to tell anyone, 

and this is the one telling everyone what a real street whore i was. he says i fucked every guy on the street. he fails to mention why i left him and why i was going out with different men and left several times before finally getting a divorce. 

he doesnt tell people how slovenly he was, selfish, porn addicted, thieving, lying, cheating, childish throwing temper tantrums over anything including small stupid things like a game of monopoly or spades or poker. he fails to mention how i found out he was going to strip bars supposedly only during his lunch break at work so i naturally thought he was picking up naked whores who danced at these bars they call taverns lounges gentlemen clubs night clubs. weird, he doesn't even like to dance, doesnt like dancing music such as rhythm and blues, disco or the like. he was obviously in there to look at and maybe grab some naked asses bodies females girls women and tits boobs and have sexual encounters with god knows who while i was at home being the good little wife and mother taking care of 2 kids and the house and all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. 

what a twisted world we live in where chasing sex anywhere and everywhere for men whether they are married or not is considered normal behavior. the norm. all he has to do is have a job somewhere or do work through self employment, bring in some money and he is free to roam and do whatever he wants.

he doesnt have to take care of the children, shop, cook, clean house, wash all the clothes or even do all the yard maintenance or take out the trash. she, the wife slave, can do all of that worthless maid stuff.

 he can use "HIS" money to buy anything he wants and scream his head off because his wife and kids needs clothes and food and soap and personal necessities. he makes her clamp down on the spending, the budget and she scrimps and saves on groceries, utilities like water, gas, electric and telephone and gasoline, so he can use his money to buy expensive cars, trucks, hunting, camping, sports equipment, electronics, guns, lots of porn magazines and movies, tv cable subscriptions, movie rentals, vacations, tools, art collections, coin collections, music vinyl records cds tapes radios stereos speakers ...........

You don't need money with a face like that" some song lyrics

 however if you take their money, any material thing or service work, they want something in return: sex, fucked, sucked, bounced, used up like a sex doll

having sex with them is the worst thing to do. if you do you are now a dirty filthy slut whore and any guy around thinks he can get his dick into your pussy or mouth even if you only had sex with one man; correction adult male body with an adolescent mind

once it happens there is zero respect, the rumors spread, life is ruined

Formula For Success: LOOK GOOD, Dress Right, Work Smart, Win the lottery.

 Stay away from most people.

eventually I find out a lot of them are idiots. fools,

jealous, mean, back stabbing 2 faced lying judgemental takers

not everyone, just a lot of people I have encountered and ended up with.

The most precious treasure in the world is finding an ETHICAL person.

A real friend. Kind. Rare breed. I dont have any friends here. Mine are dead or gone.

No knight in shining armor exists. No one is going to save rescue me. Ugly ass holes are all over. I don't want anyone.

I played slot machines in Las Vegas when I was 12 years old... 1973

 I want to go the Vegas again.

Accepted as you are, this is what I want. He, she, you wants this

 and even when the person is a rude, dirty, stupid mess they think that other people and their partner should accept them as they are

politeness is known by all and is learned in childhood

some people stay nice to all some turn into rude mean jerks with those closest to them and think this is acceptable behavior

In the beginning they try to impress you. Eventually they don't give a fuck about you/me

 he/she will take you out to places, maybe try new and different things and pretend they are interested in things they don't care about

after time passes they don't care if you are there or not. 

you're always around. dependable. predictable. they aren't trying to impress you. they think you are committed to them.  there is no fear of losing you. then they simply do not care anymore. they aren't trying to impress. instead, criticism and avoidance takes over.

time spent together becomes misery instead of joy. plans are not made because they don't want to be obligated to any time frame where you might spend a few hours together alone.

dates don't exist anymore. 

they don't want to listen to you. they have heard all of what you have to say before and don't want to hear it again. he/she thinks they know what you are going to say and won't even spend 30 seconds listening to the last half of your sentence.

there is no excitement. no thrill. no fun. they are not glad to see me/you even after i have been gone 4 or more hours in a day. even when we haven't seen each other for 14 hours after he takes off and goes to archie missouri to visit his friend.

it tooks 2 weeks of separation during a freezing spell when i couldn't come home before he even missed me back in february 2021 or 2022. it was feb. 21 our wedding anniversay. missed with no celebration as usual. 

the new relationships, the exciting person they don't live with, the ones they don't see everyday are the people who will get more attention than the usual old boring mate/woman/female/wife/man/husband

being married or committed and loyal, always being there might be one of the worst things to do. human ways, society's methods may be wrong to practice things like cohabitation, commitment and marriage. any long term relationship seems to fade away. people take each other for granted. they don't give a fuck anymore.

i feel like a spot on the wall. an unlooked at and unappreciated picture. a common nobody who means nothing to him or anyone except maybe my grandson.

this treatment now after 33 years is not new.  the contempt, disgust, criticism and control began a little bit at a time shortly after one year of being together. i thought it would get better. it didn't. it got worse.

i wrongly assumed that if i only did the things he wanted me to do then he would be happy. well, i did most of the things i could do in the beginning and kept it up for many years. nothing made him happy. 

i have forfeited years of my life and hundreds of things i like to do, trapped myself in this room, got rid of lots of my things and just about become a cripple.