Humiliation, hate, name calling. Stopped it then started doing it again

 when I was 10 years old I developed a hatred for a little girl in my history class thanks to peer pressure other kids telling me she stunk and was disgusting

her name was pam regan. pamela. a medium build blonde girl 

all the kids made fun of her behind her back. later on i discovered she had a colostomy, a procedure i knew nothing about but now i understand

then one day i was outside at the playground and the group of the "popular" girls, the ones who later became cheerleaders and had beautiful cute faces and perfect little gynmnastic bodies circled around me taunting me making fun of me calling me the derogatory name 'FLATSY' , chanting it over and over again, humiliating me for my skinny little flat chested body that had just begun developing

so i cried and cried and did for all the years to come

and that day i made a decision to never ever tease a person for their physical differences, disability or "ugliness"

but I slacked often and did it again many times, not to Pam Regan but to many other people and I need to apologize to any and all people that I ever even thought bad thoughts about, much less said nasty things to

as of today I am an ugly looking deformed monster, a real sight to UNSEE

I took pictures of myself with my cell phone the other day in the bathroom at the community center adn the mirror and camera does not lie. I look hideous for the most part. 

bad skin, half cocked twisted face, ugly to the max. twisted up spine humped up all over the left side. the ogre, hunchback of notre dame looking monster

i am no longer attractive, beautiful, pretty or even close to being cute

my hair is okay but not nearly as shiny bright long and soft as it used to be. some gray streaks here and there. dried up on the ends. 

my muscles are not toned at all. fat flab, flabby ass and legs. skin drooping dragging and skin folds hanging sideways around my once slender and taut waist i used to innocently show off, the pretty much even curves i had on the left and right sides, no longer even at all but totally lopsided, the right side looking dented in severely, the left side front appearing straight

no amount of clothes, clothing, makeup, hairdoes, fingernails, polish or money can fix the fucked up way my face and body looks

i smile and it is crooked

my fingernails bare look horrible, yellow, stained, cracker, peeling,  ridges, break easily, fall off

my hands are dried up blotchy skin show dark age spots, shriveled up

i walk off balance, crooked old looking hag witch that ought to use a cane but doesn't

quit being cocky, so self serving, so authoritarian and perfect acting judgmental, rude and hateful

being knocked down to look like piece of total shit will beat some humility into me

i am not perfect

i am out of balance

i have no right to judge anyone.. ever

no one wants anything to do with me

i have no friends, just about like it was all through school

it is no wonder he doesn't want to look at me, i wouldn't want to see that ugliness either

the only ones that seem to take up to me and like me fast are children and animals, they can sense my spirit and don't go by typical outside appearances that humans judge me by

i should dress plainly, in drab colors, dress plain and down and be sure to cover up my real shape and skin so no one can see how i really look, it is, after all, pretty scary looking