When I say am going to many different places, cities, states, countries... as I do whenever they ask me where I am going.
They wont be able to find me when I disappear, vanish into nothingness.
Tuesday, January 30, 2024
Always position myself so i can see the enemy coming
Face the door.
Fine tune all senses of the 6th and the other 5.
Hell is whatever you hate. It usually hurts. I hate pain, some love it.
Whatever makes you miserable.
Is unique to the individual being
My heaven might be your hell
You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Psychotic sonofabitch he is !!
screaming at me calling me a dumbass
simply because i stood back to look at the doorway
I would hope someone would think I was so beautiful they wouldn't want to make me ugly
it was that way with some people i have known
it depends on the person
some see beauty and destroy it
smash it into the ground like that evil man in an episode of twilight zone i saw
The Card is so pretty I hate to write in it and screw it up
words he just said about a beautiful birthday card with a butterfly on the front
................
Monday, January 29, 2024
Run on sentence i wrote when i was 10 filled up 2 pages
And started with
Abby the fart...
A child writing, childish or possibly the adult version of me showing at age 10.
The Prodigy
Of the one who cant keep silent
The one who keeps going on and on running everything together linking it all up with no end in sight or any sense ...
English teacher lesson discussing the error of the run on sentence
Must have been 5th grade
Hillcrest elementary school, belton, missouri. 1971
I know no other animal who eats on the run. Only human man woman or older child
Even infants focus on their food. As they grow the elders teach them to do other things like work and play at the same time.
Eating on the run is bad habit taught to children by foolish adults who seem to think its a waste of time to focus on their meal while eating food.
They think they are missing out, have to multitask, get up and do other things or even read or watch tv while they eat. Many eat while working. Some people have no meal break at their job which is a crime that goes unpunished.
Some societies groups cultures teach this horrible habit trying to make people think they get more done make more money are smarter and more successful if they work and eat at the same time. Answering phones is another activity some fools do while having a meal or a snack.
It is no mystery why there are many people suffering from digestive problems, obesity or other problems with their weight, acute and chronic illnesses the list which has no end, psychiatric disorders, sleep issues, marital, family and work disruptions.
Neat eating I Prefer. Sit down, enjoy, concentrate on meal
Table set nicely
Nice and clean
Organized, laid out food, condiments, dinnerware, silverware
Lots of clean elbow room
Sit down and eat like a civilized being instead of walking around and randomly cramming food down my mouth, dropping crumbs all over and leaving trails
Organization importance of. Disarray drives me nuts (drove me crazy)
Vital to achievement, success and speed
Organize
Divide, separate and give plenty of room between different items
Lots of space to MOVE around
Sunday, January 28, 2024
Things we people spend money on...
While some others are homeless and starving to death we who have money and means and abilities
Dump hundreds into sporting events, entertainment
Theatres, music concerts
Expensive overpriced furniture, clothing, cars, restaurants,
Travel trips vacations
Jewelry, coin collections
Collectibles trinket trivial items
Glassware diskes serving ware pots pans bakeware
Appliances far more expensive and expansive than we need
Subscriptions to media, tv, radio, shows, magazines, book clubs,
No Promises
It has been my motto for many years to not promise but go with it if life is there
There is no promise of tomorrow
Saturday, January 27, 2024
No amount of work, care, duties will grant me love.
Love must come from grace of god which i obviously was not graced with.
This explains why i have loved so much and so many , worked, tried to plan, thought, done about everything i can imagine that is good and thoughtful for others, cared, been concerned, helpful, loving, hugging , sentimental, hopeful, wishful, positive, encouraging many people,
It is not how much you love but how much you are loved that counts.
Things he said to me repeatedly for many years
I'll get rid of you and find someone who will..... Full in the blank
You can go live with....fill in the blank
Insecure Man Wants His Woman Covered UP in public view anywhere
because he is too chicken to fight for her
he lacks confidence in his strength to defend her
and fight off the males vying for her attention
Friday, January 26, 2024
If i am crazy its because i live with it, work with it
All 3 husbands, many family members, a many others i have lived with, worked with are flat out crazy
Hoarders
Perverts
Hysterical neurotic
Paranoid schizophrenics
Alcoholics, drug addicts
Sugarholics
Workaholics
Anxiety ridden hypervigilant
Bipolar
Ptsd people
Control freaks
Maniacs
Psychotics
Criminals
Thieves
Thursday, January 25, 2024
Its like man waits for the horny sign from the female
Anticipating it
Because he hasnt had it for awhile
Being extra nice after being terribly mean
Thinking hes gonna get some then turn around and be an ass hole again
Difference between me and her, the famous one woman/women
I chose to love loving fools first before loving and respecting myself
Getting pregnant at 16 then 21 and marrying losers who didnt love me, blocked my desire to obtain a higher education thus eliminating possibilty of making more money
I put family first, the husband and children, my career success second or not at all
I perform unpaid unappreciated denigrated wifely womanly household duties errands and chores :
washing dishes daily after we eat the food I shopped for, put away, stored and cooked
Washing and sewing mending clothes laundry
Cleaning floors windows doors cars
Yard work grass mowing not much anymore
I perform for free with no recognition and no pay the duties of counselor psychologist nurse doctor mother partner tagalong helpmate confidante trustee secretary night watchman person whore to have sex with while he fantasizes about and masturbates to women in magazines music and movies
I have no admirers no friends
I'm the first one of us to get computer, internet, cell phone
October 31, 1999. He the husband objected, acted confused, reluctant, worried about the cost of my new computer and the isp monthly fee. . I remember him telling the road runner cable internet tv guy as he was installing internet on my computer at our house "i dont know what she thinks shes doing" referring to me, when we first got internet service right after i bought my first computer that day.
I got a cell phone that year too. He hub didnt want one, said he had no use for it. Just costs me money, he said. Couldnt see why i wanted one..i stressed safety feeling i had with my tmobile flip phone especially when I was away from home.
I got at&t dsl internet at work in 2005 and switched my cell service to att. The man at work denied the need for internet there and a cell phone, just like hub. By 2007, eight years after i got my first cell phone, hub insisted i get him a cell phone with his own number and line of course.
Today he is constantly on the internet and keeps his cell phone close by at all times.
The man i used to work with jan 2000 to sep 2008 denied need for cell and internet service and ended up dying with cell phone and attached expensive headphones on his head with the phone charger constantly plugged into heavy duty extension cable all of which i bought for him as he laid in his death bed for two years: may 2021 to may 9 2023 in hospitals ending with long term care nursing home in independence missouri.
Only once did he look at me with intense love since 1987
It was a few years ago one night in 2020 or 2021 after I had danced my heart out.
Have lived with him steadily since dec 1991 over 32 years.
One of the few nights I had been dancing in the living room.
I love to dance. He actually enjoyed watching and tried to participate. He cant dance very well and doesnt like to do it.
I loved it so much he saw it my intense energy of love, and for the first time since I met him he looked at my face intently, admiring me lovingly for a few minutes as he laid on the floor holding me.
Wednesday, January 24, 2024
Tuesday, January 23, 2024
Cords cut forever
Gave it my all. The person proved themselves.
As soon as i became aware i decided to cut invisible heart cord string.
I never went back.
Some of them have died.
Some still live.
Staring is rude that's why media rules, TV, magazines, video, pictures
Books
Movies
Music
Big screen
Paintings
Portrait
Monday, January 22, 2024
It's none of my business
Anything is none of my business
No one wants to hear it
People can run their own life fine
They don't need any input from me
Big mistake. I made the first move
Towards him
1987
And I lose
Also I think I might have made the first move in 1981 towards my ex the father of my son
And may have made it to the father of my first son
All these men treat me like shit
I dearly loved adored them. Huge mistake to ever submit myself
Live and learn it is said
And I lived but didn't learn hard lesson: never should I have shown love and interest first to any man
I do not remember last time I had a bath or shower
Days have passed
A week, maybe
I do remember washing my hair 2 days ago hanging my head over the bathtub while I used the sprayer from the faucet
Make a pretty girl ugly
Thats his goal for me
Here to take over
To make me realize all kinds of things
To remind me constantly
How worthless stupid incapable and meaningless I am
Sunday, January 21, 2024
Spoiled rotten definition, insight
Which child is healthier and more behaved?
One deprived of necessities and niceties or
One provided for properly?
It appears "rotten" is the result of lack and mistreatment.
NARC NARK NARCKY
I don't care
what you want
how you feel
what you think
about your opinion
You just don't want to do it
you don't want to work
you're lazy
you have 2 broken legs and can't walk...you just don't want to do it
you piss the bed because you are too lazy to get up ( regarding an old man who wore adult diapers and had type ii diabetes and a long list of medical ailments)
I don't need to hear your excuses
you make up excuses for everything
that's just an excuse
you need to go to work/school even though you fell on a curb and have skull fracture head concussion and cant see have a pounding headache
you need to mow the fkking grass i dont care if you have allergies to ragweed pollen dander or anything
you are just a fat lazy bitch
You dont like that food it makes you sick I dont give a fuck eat it anyway that is all youre gonna get you ungrateful little brat bastard bitch
MOST important: Make narc happy and no one else can be happy on their own
cater to the little baby
and do everything their way
or take the highway
Saturday, January 20, 2024
Crawling with hunters, earth men
Remembered another one harry arthur harrington about 2013 over 10 years ago met this guy age 69 now.
I was shopping in mo council of the blind thrift store. Looking at movies cds vhs media things i resell. I walked out the door leaving. He hurried outside to talk to me asking my name. I had not spoken to him in the store nor made eye contact.
He wanted to know if i was married. I said yes i met my husband 27 years ago. He said i wish i had met you 27 years ago. He said he liked movies and gave me a list of vhs he was looking for. Told me the area where he lives in ruskin is getting bad and he was moving to independence. Said he is a retired school teacher.
I found his info on truepeople search. It shows current address queen ridge dr, inde and old addresses in several cities and states.
Last straw drawn
End of rope
End of road
Cord cut
Don't speak
Don't look back or you turn to salt
No plans revealed
Secret is only possible if one person knows and no one else
Focus is strength
Trust only myself and god
Trust no man or woman, no human
All can and will betray this includes me
Some are quicker to betray
If i dont know i cant tell
When another has no information they cant stop me
Grace, patience
Honesty
EThics
Empathy
Inquisitive, curious
Persistence
Minimalist
Insight
Perceptive
Kind
Helpful
Environmental
Frugal
Modest
Artistic, creative
Unique
Autonomous
Friday, January 19, 2024
I dont believe in magic or fantasies
Toad does not turn into prince
Evil does not turn into good
Poop does not change to gold
Core personality does not change
A spell only works on willing soul
Love cant be bought or sold
Force and coercion creates resentment
A fixed mind stays put
5828 e 27 St Kansas City MO
5828 E 27 St Kansas City MO
Two men might freeze to death
No firewood
No heat
No electricity
No car
No gas
No money
No job
Low on food
Firewood needed
The man hates
Shaved off over plucked painted on eyebrows
Overpowering stinky perfume
Too much talking
Makeup in any excess
Glittery makeup
Tattoos
Body piercings in the nose eyebrows antplace except one spot in each earlobe
Baggy clothes
Showing skin, butt or boobs in my outfits
Feeling safe is top priority
Feeling safe at home is paramount
Getting along is easy when feeling protected at all times
He wants almost everything quick fast and easy
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism
14 signs of narcissism
Thursday, January 18, 2024
Being sexually attractive to many is instinctual for all and we aren't aware of it
unconscious subconscious
innate born into the dna
genetics
in order to procreate replicate duplicate the life form whatever it may be
the frustrated male
seeking different females to have sex with
he is focused on the same work hobbies activities
desires access to have sex with as many girls women as possible
lies to others, girl friend wife partner or mate about his desires and conquests
and what he says and does while he is out and about alone
tramping around the area anywhere he goes
looking for physical encounters with strangers
to satisfy the primal urge need of the male
typically he is focused on his same old work
and hobbies and whatever he is interested in
and unconscioulsy subconsciously
seeking someone else out there
different
'i need some strange'
said by a male relative of mine many years ago
my eldest brother was staying at my house
he was a drug addict drunk drinking beer everyday even in the morning
and he would have encounters with any female he
happened to come across
even though he was a loser as far as life ratings go
he could never hold down a regular job anywhere
would work in little spurts when younger
had no home no place of his own to live
no car, no possessions except for the clothes on his back
and he was dirty filthy stinky stunk of body odor armpits were
terrible
still, even though he had nothing to offer a woman except for
his one thing; his penis, dick
and a punch in the face when he was done with her
notorious for beating the shit hell our of every girl he
had sex with
i see this same pattern worldwide
it is personally experienced for me and witnessed
on a daily basis my entire life
it is depicted in books, stories, movies, films, plays
constant theme of the male searching to mate
with females any and everywhere imaginable even if it is
only in his mind filled with fantasies on fucking all these
girls women or whatever he is wanting to screw at the moment
this is what drives him
this is why he is restless
why he goes out
he feels to need to run
he can have the same old reliable woman at home
his partner, his wife, friend with benefits
she can be the most willing and have sex with him
whenever he wants, do what he wants trying to please
and it is never enough for his body
he still seeks pussy out there anywhere he can find it
his testosterone drives him crazy
in his mind
Wednesday, January 17, 2024
Saw only men at carwash this afternoon
Went with husband. He decided to wash his car. Weather has been nasty snow salt on the roads streets highways. Cold.
All others were solo men at the car wash. I was the only woman. Wondering what their women are doing while he is at the car wash.
Thinking about the women cleaning their entire houses inside and out, every room, doing dishes every day, laundry, washing all of the clothes for everyone in their family at home.
Women caring for all. Shopping for food. Cooking for family sometimes friends, sometimes potlucks, parties, get togethers, holidays, work gatherings.
Tuesday, January 16, 2024
How can you tell if he's closet secretly gay or bi?
Heck if I know
I'd like to know .
https://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-Your-Boyfriend-Is-Gay
.,..
Person in question says you can't tell if a guy is gay by looking
Is very butt smell crotch smell hyper vigilant
Can't tell if a man is a man when dressed up with makeup and hair like a woman
Homophobic to the max
Sleeps by himself
Very closely monitors cell phone
Believes women can do men's work
Vain about appearance
Hair has to be perfect
Avoids female unless seem available for sex, work to help him
Body building and image paramount
Never defended me
Head jobs one of favorite things
No live in girl until age 30
Wife is roommate
Craigslist in top favorite sites
Keeps signed out of email on his laptop at home
Password private on all sites won't stay signed in
Uses GPS units no record kept of searches or trips
High and mighty holier than thou attitude he has
As if he is god and knows better than everyone else and can dictate what other people should do
He'd rather donate his money to Mike lindell instead of anything else
That's the most important thing to him
Along with buying things for himself
3 cats in my front yard 1 female 2 males mating frigid temperature outside
one male atop the female
she allowed it for a few minutes then she got up turned around growled hissed at him
the other male patiently waiting
she ran off both males following chasing her
Hormone rule
She puts rear end up and howls until her cycle is over
FEMALE: Cute, laughing, giggling, smiling, happy. ATTIRE
instant attraction
cute pretty cuddly
head cocked to the side
Looking back in history .. he thinks for the moment most of the time
he wants it right now, whatever it is
has almost no patience
has trouble foreseeing consequences of his words, his actions, the laws of physics
HE, being most males I have associated with. NOT ALL of them are like this
Some are better at prevention and foreseeing consequences of future danger
i can't speak for all people only myself
the present and the past have proven to me that some individuals seem to have a very hard difficult time thinking in advance and preventing accidents, tragedies from happening
they say
it's fine, it will be okay, don't worry about it
i say i am not worrying about anything
i think ahead and desire safety
current male i have lived with over 30 years consistently tells me "it's fine", "don't worry about it", "it's no big deal" regarding almost anything i say
previous males i have lived with do the same thing in response to my concerns regarding safety issues, home decor, design, layout, function, practicality, usefulness, precautionary tactics methods , child care..
i am thinking that do to the fact most females are child care providers, mothers, sisters, care takers that they girl woman wife is more inclinced instinctively to foresee dangers and prevent them than any male in the world
Monday, January 15, 2024
Girl woman boy man reversing as they grow older
Feminizing feminization
Masculinizing
Masculine feminine
Beginning of life infant baby girl or boy progresses to toddler child teen adult
When does it the behavior desire idea start switching around
Why
What makes this happen
Person gains more attention
Gets better attention, treated nicer
Person feels benefits of being the other sex
Takes on characteristics traits duties of other
Mistreatment by opposite gender
Published mass media is the way to be heard seen taken seriously
If you are not then no one listens to anything you say
You're just the average common piece of crap
A nobody a no one
Until...
You do it
Nice, kind one should not have to leave
Mean abusive controllers ought to be forced out of the area (house, place of business, any location where they are).
They should be transported vigorously by security, police, bouncers (in taverns bars night clubs honky tonks drinking dance fun adult entertainment establishments), by guards, the strongest of friends, family, neighbors or strangers and taken to another place.
Sunday, January 14, 2024
Bernadine Layson would not put up with disrespect period
I never met this woman but from what I was told about her I would have like to have known her.
Protectors of women and children
These men defended me:
Warren foust
Dave, lees summit qt employee former roommate of ex ed in 1984
Everett Kuster, (Elizabeth Leigh Montgomery's husband 1978 -on)
Dale driver at car quest auto 1995 96, masculine at work cross dresser at home
A man is either a protector or he is not
If he does not protect a woman, his woman, any person, then he is likely an abuser inclined to bully, mentally/emotionally abuse, physically beat the female, the girlfriend, wife, child/children
How do I identify the protector vs the abuser from first meeting?
Center of my gut diaphragm pain just started around 5 PM
The old pain again
Sub or un conscious my body reacts to stress all by itself
Gall bladder, pancreas, ulcers??
First time this happened way back in 1987 88 89
Has to be from fear of attack, the frustrated people person around me..my stomach senses responds to invisible energy emanating from those around me
Dr diagnosed ulcers in 2016, Dr guessed gall bladder 1987 then pancreas 1988, prescribed a pill. Now I don't remember the script for it. Have to look it up on the Internet
Donnatol?
Goal to control another never works . Backfires big time
Caging up
Ownership ideals false fantasy
Possession is impossible
Squeeze it, it pops
It dies
Can't breathe
Can't move
Perfect woman perfect man. Haha
What is
He thought he got her
I thought I got him
One
Did not happen
Androids we are not
Saturday, January 13, 2024
Settling is bad. Dry rot and mold sets in. Mind calcifies, life dies ends
It is being taken for granted
Believing in the lies
Of liars lovers any one or many
Absorbing yourself into someone else only to have them shit you out after they ate you up
Setting roots down in commitment loyalty dedication
Always keep your distance, keep and remain yourself
Be ready for instant discard
Keep moving is good
Long cool woman in a black dress
One of my favorite dance songs when i was a little girl by
The hollies
In 2007 naomi insisted i dance to it at her house while i visited
She popped in a cd in the player in her living room and said now my sister mary and i want to see you dance
I did and she exclaimed you dance the same way you did back in the 70s when you lived across the street from me in belton missouri. You used to dance in the street and in your front yard
Say what.. now 50 years ago i can still cut it cut that rug
Nobody became somebody
How? Does this happen?
Nobody listened to the nobody until they became somebody
Then everbody listened to the nobody
after they became somebody
Female wants to own the male and vice versa
Typical girl, woman, lady, bitch, even the whore, desires possession of what she thinks is "her" man. Typical male thinks he owns his girlfriend/wife.
But mommy owns him. Daddy owns her.
Mother in laws are often hated, feared, scorned and rejected by their unadoring daughter in law who believes her boyfriend/husband must cut the cord. Wife thinks she is the new owner of this man who is really a grown boy. She wants zero competition from any female especially his mother, the arch enemy of competition.
Wife cannot compare to his mother. He may be the overt type who tells his wife thats not how my mom does it. He admits he expects his wife to be like his mother. He may be the covert type of man, hiding his mother replacement desires, lying to his beloved wife, even saying i am glad youre not like HER. Down deep he expects her to be a clone of mother regardless of what he says.
I have noticed that the females picked by my 2 sons have a lot in common with my younger self. My young self personality is still at my core and has adapted to the husband i have been with many years who desperately and subconsciously treats me like his mother in vain attempts to turn me into her.
On the other hand i am aware that i have a subconscious desire to expect my husband to be like my father. I know, logically and consciously, that he is not and never can be like my dad.
Even when mother or father have undesirable traits the person expects their mate to act like their own parent.
During courtship rituals the person is not parenting their object of desire. If that were the case it is doubtful a relationship would happen. After the commitment is formed the mothering and fathering behavior kicks in. This causes rebellion. We dont like being told what to think and do. After all, if you liked me the way i was when you met me why are you giving me orders and trying to change me?
Friday, January 12, 2024
Sovereign, Independent, I ask no one before I act
some people accept this and appreciate the fact that I don't need someone else's opinion and another one to make decisions for my choices and preferences of anything
some people get really ticked, pissed, angry, upset, mad because they can't control me
Thursday, January 11, 2024
Angry versus Happy Person
angry one
hates to do anything
hates to do something for someone else to make them and see them happy
entitled feeling as if everyone owes them
Dishes, work, cleaning, hobbies, words actions education knowledge I do daily ..gives me joy to learn and have ability and be capable of doing
and living
he on the other hand
will never be happy with anything i do say or how i look or how anyone looks or does or is
Nothing makes him happy. Miserable from inside out. 99% of the time.
frequent words out of his mouth
i am not happy
i'm pissed off
that pisses me off
i am mad
nothing and no one can make him happy or feel joy
it is his responsibility not mine
The name of that feeling I can't describe.. butterflies some say it is
Didn't feel anything like a butterfly to me
It was a fire
Burning fast
Lightning thru my body
Toe to head and vice versa
I can only remember 2 people
I got that flash burn from
Weird
Age 16 and he was 20 or 21 I think he was 5 years older than me. September 1956 birthday Libra country music musician died a year or two ago.. accidentally saw death notice on Facebook for him.
Lonnie Curtis
A brief date school boy at Belton high. He was very quiet and athlete and dated another athlete girl immediately after I saw him. He wasn't in me.
And another man I only knew that I met a customer at my work in 1989
Rrlh15 license plate on his car some little white not sure what make model now or rrl815
Pete k is his name born September 14 1957 I think
Very old associate
Former dj disco dance rb soul somewhere in Kansas or Missouri
Babysat his two daughters little girls at the time
Everytime I saw pk fire flashed through my entire body
We never became a couple or had a relationship such as bf gf no dating or marriage or anything. What was it about him that made my body burn inside up and down??
And the Lonnie guy .same thing. No real reason for it in my consciousness.
Last addiction
Is the first
At age 16
A pack of Virginia slims I bought out of the cigarette machine in a restaurant Italian I think it was nextdoor to my first job at tg&y store in Belton MO
Slipped in the quarters
Down came the pack
I opened it
Inserted slim cig between my lips lit it up with fire sucked in air smoke burning and it felt like home just like I had been doing it since birth
Why so easy for me..why feels good calming me my nerves...feel it sucked in then slowly blowing it out .. watching the colored white air dance about swirling around then disappearing into thin air...
Upon death my last breath.. will I see it...the light white smoke ... drifting away along with my spirit....the sages..the ancient the old the Indian asian european african, south american. The jungle ones. The Eskimos.. any all human anywhere on earth pleasuring themselves with the soft light seeable air drawn into and effortlessly drifting floating out of the body lungs mouth nose even ears... I don't know why.. what is the reason.. some smoke love some don't..
Even when I had quit and then the mysterious energy of the all provided cig or cigar for free to me. Found whole packs of smokes before kool menthol Marlboro plain little cigars even a vape not long ago laying in the grass right in front of the community center gym where I go swimming in the indoor pool and hot tub. Theresa woman works there knee exactly who it belongs to after I brought it to front desk.
So strange how the all forces give and sometimes take.. it sure gives to me a whole lot more than it takes...
It seems like magic how ever that's a word we use to explain a misunderstood miracle of the blessing gifts from the "gods" energies hearing our desires and passion for life.
Just ate snack. Eating sleeping seems synched with my cats
7 dove choc
Nuts
Banana
Got up to the kitchen cat one black came to food dish
Put dry catfood in dish, 2nd cat starts meowing. He is white. Had been gone outside all day. Found sleeping on recliner chair in living room
Everybody likes you.....1991
He said that when I arrived here
Seems to be attempting to make me feel bad cry all the time and be the opposite
So everyone will hate me
Because he's the direct opposite me
Ocean avronym. I am open seductive water the all encompassing healer
Kind hugs heart sensitive
Open
This is me
This is why he doesn't want me to talk to anyone
He is direct opposite and is closed off negative suspicious
Big five personality psychology
https://www.simplypsychology.org/big-five-personality.html
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-big-five-personality-dimensions-2795422
Exercise good . I am alive. I have power. It is real.
Stretch
Walk springy kind
Bounce
Spine flexibility
Rolling hips
Four corners
Dance
Splits
Kicking legs up, sides, back
Pull ups
Freedom of movement
Swimming
Cycling
Spinning
Swinging
Side to side, first lesson natural to babies before crawling
Jumping
Sprint short runs
Breathe
Sweat
Joy begins in myself
Initiate myself
Experience my feelings
Be my beautiful self
People are drawn to natural cute and beautiful and pure and pretty
Love was my "revenge"
We Divorced
he got his woman
I got my man
Was better than the other option choice of
1 murder
2 fighting for ever until death
3 stay with a hole cheat lie right along with him
4 lock into miserable marriage because of society and listening to other people
Wednesday, January 10, 2024
Neighborhood news letter
An idea i generated long before i got my first computer oct 31 1999
I signed up for internet isp service road runner time warner cable
I never did anything to start the neighbor news source paper
Someone generated similar same idea site called nextdoor.com
Yet another idea that stayed a dream for me and another unborn creation as to why i am poor
Invention creative inspiration from a need
Personal choice peer pressure upbringing necessity
Actions done
Preferences
Personal choices other peoples choices influencing me or you
Habit is formed
He doesn't have to account for money he spends but I di
He hates accounting
I have had to account for and budget all of want
Charisma i was told by some i have
open friendly warm kind nice smiling
old friend chuck ?? i used to help deliver little debbie snacks at grocery stores one place was the old hyperware walmart supercenter off hillcrest road kansas city missouri
chuck said i was charismatic
i had no idea what he meant by that
Incorrigible man full of fear
What I live with endure daily
Fear based driven man childish immature mentally emotionally stuck age 5 sometimes age 2 3 4
Scared frightened paranoid
Stemming from fear: anger envy greed lust hate prejudice assumptions assault terrorism hypocritical selfish stingy rude mouthy insulting manipulative conditional transactional unfair demands fairness respect to be heard to be obeyed
2 exist. Fear or love
Tuesday, January 9, 2024
How do you deal with an asshole? You don't.
Conversation with my girlfriend Jacque Giles (Jacqueline) many years ago. Sometime in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 or 2008
We were discussing dealing with certain individuals who are very difficult to get along with
I sincerely wanted to get along, work, do my job and deal with everyone.
She said it all when she said those two words: "You don't".
Jacque was born in 1950, December 7 Pearl Harbor Day. Since that conversation she worked then lived with her childhood friend John William Layson. She was living in a nursing home care facility hospital like environment last time I saw her. I went there one time to visit her and I cried during our talk. I cried after I left and am still crying. That is me. I cry most of the time about tons of things.
She was a very organized lady. She tried desperately like me to straghten, clean and organize the overwhelming tremendous amount of stuff John the hoarder accumulated during his lifetime.
She failed as I did. John was incorrigible, out of control and could not be stopped from shopping, collecting, storing, shelving, attempting to organize countless "collections" he worked on his whole life. He wanted to collect an unknown number of categories of things.
That was him. A chronic buyer. Stage 4 or 5 hoarder.
Monday, January 8, 2024
Is a person responsible for reactions and responses?
Are they conditioned to respond
Are some responses involuntary
Is programming involved
Does repetition train or teach responses
What are innate reactions
Gossip: Saying anything that makes another look or sound bad. Intentional or unintentional.
How does one know what to say or not say about anyone if there is a chance another might perceive it as bad even though some might think it is good and some don't care either way and have no opinion?
Any word spoken about another can be taken any way the individual hearing it decides to perceive it.
A name is only a name. A face is only a face.
Not much is revealed by either.
The personality is unique to each one even when the name or face is the same.
Things NOT to say to a writer
Stop talking, shut up
Stop asking why
Quit being curious
Why do you want to know?
Are you writing a book?
You think too much
Quit philosophising
I don't want to hear it
You don't know what you are talking about
I don't believe it
You're exaggerating
I can't understand it or you
At 9 I began writing in my first diary. It was a little red book.
My dog Tinkerbell chewed up a corner of it along with my second diary, a green book I started at age 10.
The were small enclosed book diaries with metal latches on them probably about 5 or 6 inches wide and about the same length. Depth was about 1 to 2". Typical of the 1970s/70s era I suppose.
The diaries disappeared when I was in my first marriage. One of his friends, Joshua Walton, said he took them and kept them because they made "interesting reading material".
I have since attempted to get those diaries from Josh who lives in South Dakota and he seems to have misplaced them. Not remembering exactly what he did with those words I wrote from my heart when I was a child.
Sunday, January 7, 2024
You don't need that makeup" man said to me
one morning I was at work applying some makeup on my face
my reply was
are you sure? I look as ugly as a dog
he said no you dont you are fine the way you are. you look great
THE SAME THING HAS BEEN SAID BY MANY OTHERS especially males
my first husband Perry hated makeup. he told me i didnt need it
you have natural beauty
who am i going to listen to?
men or women? people in general?
some females will flatter (lie) to me saying I look great in an outfit or while wearing makeup or jewelry or some other thing ..some will tell me to do something different with my eyebrows or my hair or whatever other part of me they can see...
woman working at john casablancas modeling on the plaze told me "You need to do something different with your hair. It is the same style in all of your picture". WOW! I see countless hundreds of famous models who has the SAME hair style , plain and simple, straight or curly and long usually, for YEARS until they DIE
the true test is the instant,immediate reaction of the male upon seeing me or any female
The police station is closed to the public on marion dr close by my house. Jan 4 2023 thursday after 10 pm
What in the world is that?
I parked in the lot. Went to the glass doors and saw a sign posted closed to the public.
Where am i supposed to go to talk to a person in person?
Saw woman in wheelchair walmart raytown mo 350 hwy in makeup aisle jan 4 2023
Woman girl female wants to look nice and pretty
She was wearing /wore makeup on her face cheeks eyes lips
Hair appeared artificially colored/bleached
She was probably in her 50s or older and probably couldnt walk
It seems females carry on with this nice looking activity until they die
Forever shopping. Fitting. Clothes, shoes, purses, hats, makeup, hairdo, styles, colors,
Saturday, January 6, 2024
Two young teen men talking in hot tub tonight. That girl and money and cars
I overheard a few minutes of it. Said nothing then i left.
Last time dec 29 2023 i went to community center was in hot tub/spa 2 other young teen or 20ish men discussing money, work careers and jobs. One says he is deciding whether or not he should take over his dads plumbing business as his father would like him to do. The other mentioned accounting career and other types of jobs and he focused on dollars, the amount of money people he knew were paid for those jobs.
Neither talked about what they wanted to do, their passion, dream or inspirations.
An old man in his 60s or 70s said cpa license pays more, you will make more money from the start with that.
I said nothing (unusual for me). What can i learn if i am only talking? Can i listen while my mouth is moving from forming words processed in my brain?
My thoughts were if you take over an established plumbing business from dad it is guaranteed good money if you know the trade but you ought to love it. Sons following fathers footsteps used to be common, even expected. Speaking from personal experience: my father was a master electrician. Four of his sons he taught the trade are dead. Four made very good money and also used drugs and stole things to sell for cash to buy drugs when they binged and decided not to work.
Friday, January 5, 2024
News is spread in all types of groups
Children kids
Schools
Neighbors
Work
Teens
Any group clan clique with a party of 2 or more people talking
Telling each other latest mostly about other people
Spreading info true truth or lies made up stories
Spread like wild fire
Gossip tongue nature of man and beast
Advertising sales agent a job I had
Thrifty nickel classified ads newspaper
Response systems, ads on cash registrr store receipts
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." -- Albert Schweitzer
Your Daily Quotation:
"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."
-- Albert Schweitzer
Mental illness is exhausting. I am my own counsel, counselor, therapist.
Speaking about myself (bipolar, depression, occassional mania, previous alcohol addiction, suicide attempts, thoughts, tendencies, perfectionism, anorexia.....) , my family members consisting of narcs, dictators, alcoholics, criminals, pedophiles, drug addicts, thieves, wife and children beaters and the one I live with and the majority of his family members who are paranoid schizophrenic narcissists and bullies I have endured . The first encounter with his family was being introduced to his Uncle Norman in May, 1987. Norman the schizophrenic hermit Raytown, Missouri.
My second husband of ten years was bullied by his family and step family and he became a bully, narc, porn sex addict, sugarholic, moneyholic, workaholic, thief, egomaniac, liar, plain ass hole according to his best friend who warned me in early 1981 before we got married. Of course I did not listen. Who does? 1992 february 4 divorce final. October 9, 1981 married. Met him January, 1981 at my job. I was a clerk cashier at a convenience store. He was a customer playing pinball machines in the back of the store.
It is a miracle, the grace of unknown forces of god that I am still alive. Frightening realities of places I have been, accidents and near accidents I have had cause me great anxiety, keep me up nights, cause hypervigilance and frequent deep thinking and crying spells.
I wonder why. I am curious about how. I never know when the next scary, stressful, freaky episode will happen.
I have no therapist, counsel, friend or any other type of person to discuss anything with. I am my own therapist, hanging on a fine thread of hopeful sanity. I am probably insane and dont know it.
Thursday, January 4, 2024
What good is owning stuff when you worry about having it stolen?
Many incidences in my life experience include being attacked, raped, robbed, vandalized and hearing first hand accounts from victims and perpetrators.
Age 16. Living at 336 brooklyn , kansas city, missouri, the poverty stricken northeast area hood ghetto, in my moms apartment building basement. I was at work at tg&y on the avenue indepence, came back home, entire jewelry box stolen including all the bracelets rings gems all gone forever.
16 age. A 7 inch vinyl record holder full of my favorite 45 rpm music stolen same day, place
12 age. 7th grade belton, missouri walnut building.Lunch money stolen out of my purse in english class by april zambs who sat behind me. She also peered over my desk craning her neck over my shoulder in social studies history class copied copy my work during tests in class, mr dennis beebe was our school teacher. I cried in both classes
Age 11 or 12. House burglarized ransacked . 525 stacey dr, belton, mo. All of grandpas coin collection and grandmas jewelry stolen.
1985. Age 24. Husbands gold nugget diamond ring looted off back of our toilet in bathroom and expensive 35 mm camera ripped off by alan the friendly next door neighboor our address 4 redwood court, belton, missouri
1987 summer. Cheap car stereo stolen out of my unlocked 72 plymouth satellite during the night. 31st and linwood kcmo apartment building. I figured they wouldnt break windows and doubted anyone would steal such a cheap radio but they did steal it and did not break any windows or damage the car at all.
1991 husbands house burglarized ransacked bad what a mess. Entry patio door in back. by food lane 117th place. All stereo equipment speakers guns electronics stolen.
1993 July. My co worker was kidnapped at work that evening late right around closing time 10 or 11 pm his little light green fancy truck stolen. I was the last person who saw him that worked at that gas service station Clark Oil Co 93rd and blue ridge blvd. The gang members, 5 i believe it was, took this 19 year old male to swope park and shot him in the back of the head. Killed him execution style. They drove his truck somewhere in ghetto hood racing it and wrecking it, police got them on troost avenue ..i dont know exact address and all details.
1998 october. My house burglarized on crestview dr, kansas city, mo. Front door broken off hinges by the perpetrator. He used his body shoulders and feet and kicked the front door into interior wall. Thief stole tv remotes, cut cable tv cords, had one big tv on front porch. Culprit jumped into his vehicle and left scene after neighbor woman next door yelled at him you better leave i called the police.
1980s to 90s unsure of year. Someone stole cash out of my small coin purse i stupidly set in middle of table at dinner dance i attended with my father stepmother her girlfriend and gf husband,. Suspected thief was the gf no way to prove it. Lesson, never leave money on the table, keep cash on my body concealed.
1986, 87, 88 or 89 teen neighbor crawled thru bedroom window stole my husbands guns
My fathers house, his work vans and trucks and cars, his tools, clothes, food, money, furniture anything he had were frequently stolen. The thieves were usually his own family, sons and nephews being the most common, along with various associates who knew him or his family. Several of my brothers and cousins were on drugs and would steal materials dad purchased for electrical jobs and tools then sell those things to buy drugs with the cash. John, Jerry, Jack and Darryl , 4 of my brothers, are all dead and were addicted to drugs.
2019 january. In church parking lot as i attended 7 pm service, man busted out drivers window of my 92 dodge grand caravan using a rock. Stole my cell phone and purse containing all my cash, id/drivers license, debit cards and more.
Family members and some of their friends co workers associates buddies were common thieves. Some people my dad knew were low life petty thieves as well as high white collar criminals, some were arrested and served time in jail. Some went right back to crime and thieving after released from prison. Some have said they liked jail, it was a place to stay, a place to eat, to exercise, even make new friends. My brothers told me some of these associates were murderers, some killed inmates while in jail and never got caught. A few told me some burglars tricks, methods of house home or business theft stealing. I knew these jokers couldnt be trusted so i wanted no part of them and definitely did not want them at my house.
Beings will steal anything according to the individual, the need, desire, want or circumstance. Reasons vary. Some seem to steal for no reason. A person can steal more than just material things. They can steal your body, your mind and your time.
Wednesday, January 3, 2024
Different people treat me differently. Each treats each differently
Treatment depends entirely on the individual and the moment.
One can be nice, friendly, loving
Another cold, mean
Aloof
A rose will be appreciated for its qualities by one person and smashed into the ground by the foot of another and ignored by yet another
Why Must Male and Female Be Attracted To One Another?
Obvious answer: Procreation possibility. To keep the species or any other form of life going by replicating duplicating itself, making more of them.
Tuesday, January 2, 2024
Anticipating words actions of others might be a sign of high intelligence and may be extremely difficult
I cant know everybody everywhere and know what they will do or all they have done
He told me most people will take advatage of a situation
Wish i would have known this, wish i would have listened.
I am hopefully becoming wise.
Simple thing some cant figure out
Bad treatment causes bad behavior
Good words and deeds produce good reactions in others
If he doesnt love admire respect you from the git go beginning he never will
He may think youre cute. He will use you up, chew you up and spit you out like trash tasteless spent bubble gum.
He can screw your brains out while concurrently hating you having zero care concern for anything about you except the hole you provide for his dick, the doormat you are for his feet, the toilet you are for him to piss and shit on
Grace of god is only reason here still breathing
It is unknown thing i dont understand nor control that life is began and ended by the mysterious force some call god, universal energy, the all, essence, ether, allah or whatever name humans choose for it.
Monday, January 1, 2024
He just thanked me for One thing: keeping records of births, deaths of his family members
Rarely thanks me for anything.
I won't feel cold anymore
Won't have to eat
No food
No breathing
No air or water used
No pain
No existence
Joy to the world
Brevity little bits spoon full not shovel
Squeeze my lips
I've said enough orally
Write it down instead
Too Much, me
I
Too much
Talking, drinking, eating food, .... thinking, working, sleeping, way too much details and information
Too curious
Too involved
Too intense, wrapped up
Want it to long
No man lasts enough
Can't keep up with me
All the fancy stuff he has and he still wants simple teen plain Virgin act
Big money, big business, big house
Fancy car, fancy clothes
Diamond gold silver jewelry
Mega money in the bank
Land lord owns real estate
Millions billions he owns the stuff the stocks the bonds.
All that stuff, he wants the simple little girl naked lap dance.
Wifey girly girl friend turned bitch whore, pretty painted up balloon boobs poofy dyed bleached streaked teased fried torched curled straightened permed colored hair, liposuction belly ass legs, tummy tuck ,steroid hormone injected muscles, red pink black purple blue green yellow rainbow lipstick, eye shadow liner mascara, big huge false eyelashes, false long claw sharp fingernails, butt ass implant fat pads...busting her back fucking getting laid by him and anyone he wants her to be with, sucking his dick off, cooking baking working cleaning house work, washing dishes clothes laundry, dressing up fancy shiny glittery sparkly tight skimpy soft smoothe silky. She thought she had to be by his side. She thought she had to work for his love. Thought she had to comply, to agree, to go along with anything he wanted.
She modified her looks, her activities, her life to his specifications.
He changed nothing about himself and never will.
She gritted her teeth watching football other savage combat games, tagged along to games events sports concerts his hobbies activities, his career, his work, his interests she adopted...lost herself became a man now he doesnt want her he is not interested. He yells, he hits, kicks her, throws things in his tyrant dictator outrage tantrum fits. He shits on her the more she tries to please. He has no respect, hates and despises her fucking guts. He has already had her. All of her. Time to move on.
He has it all, its not enough. She is confused. She tried too hard to please; failed with a capital f.
He wants more and he wants less, he wants simple, he wants something different. He wants all the candy he sees and smells. She is not enough. Got to go hunting. He has to conquer another one, a different one, the one he chases..the one has to work to get. Once he gets her, once shes had and her heart is his then he wants no more of her. Wring her out, use her up, stomp on her and throw her away.
His wife once simple young cute and sweet turned to plastic cold hard concrete changing herself to please him. It was her defeat. She was perfect the way she was, the way she naturally is. She never had to change herself for anyone.
Some OLD people criticized constantly and don't do much of anything
constantly observing and critiquing it all: looks, hair, food,
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