Friday, January 31, 2025

He was why i started drinking beer 1984 . ex hub ed

 1984 it began. drank beer in glasses and pitchers at the roxy 75th metcalf overland park kansas. some classmates taught me how to drink there after school on weekends. i was 23 and cute skinny and smart. and really nice young lady.


so i quit in 2003 finally on my own

reasons for beginning alcohol

he was up to no good

i found out his shenanigans he lied and denied when i confronted him

3 years 1981 jan to july 1984 i tried every kind of method of communicating with him about lots of slovenly selfish ways. nothing worked. i was too nice. he is mean. 

after learning how to down a few beers i developed courage. faced him. ran away. started tech school. took my 2 kids. moved in with grandparents .


If a man or woman is going to cheat or be faithful they will find a way to do it

 regardless of what you think say want feel or do


I female need not chase or be jealous or envious

Leave them alone to indulge themselves to death

 they wont listen to me or anyone but themselves

I do not chase or follow anyone

 just myself

i will watch and listen them not absorb

observe


I agree 100% with no one

Never beg

Leave others alone, allow them to decide

 make their own choices

come to their own conclusions

subconsciously or unconsciously i have

 acted out or upon

the thoughts, fears, wishes or desires of the

individual i have lived with

i found out much later i did this without having prior knowledge of their thoughts



i need to disappear

 https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-supply-7852699

https://www.verywellhealth.com/narcissistic-abuse-5220194



Safe haven people

 who?


I know what you are thinking...

 the thing he says

and i need to start saying to him

just to see his reaction


Disgusting, a favorite word of

 gma. aunt ruth

him mls and ex ed who both love hard core porn 

mls embarassed if anyone knew he obsessed about it and yet is disgusted by sights sounds smells noises touches and insists i cover myself never letting anyone see me and never move by body in anyway he deems provocative

ex said my dancing disgusting and he addicted to any type of porn adult entertainment strip bars places


ex is really disgusting dirty shabby wild hair nasty rude obnoxious arrogant and wants to appear nice and high status by owning best high quality things and lots of money



He becomes outraged if he thinks he hears me say sex in front of anyone else

Natural food and drink, fresh air, flexible exercise equals health and beauty

 rid myself of toxic toxins 

waste go to the bathroom 

drinks lots of water

eat pure foods

coffee enema

skin cleansing loofahs scratchy pads 

castor oil 

neem oil

on mission to clean myself up real good

inside and out



Demonic creatures like to defile innocent angelic ones

Clean, neat, cute, innocent, pure and fun loving is universally desired

Cage caging locking up ..you cant do this to anyone and get by with it

 birds fly free freely anywhere on the ground in the sky

i fly high higher than the trees sky 

i see it all


I AM what I AM NOT the material things I have

 material things are temporary

what I am is permanent as long as I am alive in this body


YOU are NOT in charge of me. I am in charge of myself.

 "I will let you..." say or do is a sign you think you are in control of me when you ARE NOT


Confidence. Huge threat to narc with inferiority /superiority complex

Beauty is bait. Lure. Only converse with class, quality, ethics, money

Threats

 autonomy awareness

speed of learning

independence, self direction

intelligence innocence sweetness

beauty

naturalness

uniqueness

aloof, stand alone, black cat woman/female

simple prettiness, pretty and cute

confidence in self

nice niceness

ethical, doing right things

wisdom, knowing, knowledge

high spirit top spiritedness

faith

freedom free spirit

wild





Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Goal. Never have to say you are sorry

 to apologize for what you said or did or didnt do


No one has neen the answer to my dreams

He would do only one thing to make me happy

Plenty of other people want to look at me

 and listen to what i have to say..

strangers even love me more than he ever did or could 

love is not in his blood


Solution. be gone. stay covered up around him

I dont want to hear what you have to say he says a lot to me

why would i want to look at pictures if you

 he said 

i look at you all the time

if they were pictures if you when you were younger i might look at them


I dont need to know or say anything

Aloof woman wins

 My grandma used to tell me i was aloof when i was a little girl, teen teenager and in my 20s 30s 40s

Untouched female girl woman is loved and desired

 Once you or i am touched i am hated scorned disrespected abused


Respect me a woman i will be a lady. Disrespect me I am a bitch

A true leader is a model. Sets example. Actions

 Bold. Truth acting. Ethical. 


Collagen number one 1 protein

Autonomy of myself is biggest threat to most people

 Countless incidences i recall being shunned in disdain for not going along with the group crowd ..following myself and no one else


he treats me like a whore disrespect

 condemnation

condescending, rude. mean. demanding. pushy. authoritarian, aggressive. treats me like trash. no respect. appreciation or admiration


he takes my vehicle when he wants and i cant drive his car or truck

he thinks he can work on my vehicle and that justifies his bad behavior

 and or buy me something like a vehicle, restaurant food, piddly items at a store while he spends hundreds on himself..boots. furniture. tools. car truck parts. expensive trash junk food. haircuts. electronics. house repairs, appliances. donations to scam conspiracy theory political organizations. 

its one of his ways of a fake apology for his asinine ways and trying to make himself powerful, worthy. smarter than me , trying to maintain his illusion of control over me


every new man i met he accused me of being with

Chicken shit weak wimp

 he never stood up for me never defended protected me in any abusive situation i went thru

he cowtowed away saying i am not going to say anything talk to him who sexually harassed you, who yelled and screamed humiliated threatened you anywhere at work

he said just shut up and do your job, just ignore him her them ...as if it is normal to put up with abuse and he is the one who dishes out that bad behavior upon me. he tolerates others treating me bad and condones it justified it because he treats me bad then denies it 


a vulnerable weak narcissist punk ass wimp who never stood up for me . i always stood up for myself. i quit jobs. got written up, fired.  laid off set back for standing up for myself.



Survival mode

 simple simplicity

self only. no concern for others. 


air breathe, water. sunshine. food, basics. 

He loves no one. Loves me, loves me not

 zero real love for anyone

all are viewed as objects to use at his convenience, will.  at his disposal

Tuesday, January 28, 2025

The little wifey wife

 is supposed to stay covered up

keep her mouth shut

look modest virginal or like an old maid in public

never exercise doing a squat in front of anyone in public

not talk to anyone

walk 20 ft behind her husband

do as she is told

work a job make half as much money and pay half the bills

be ready for sex at the drop of a hat at his whim

never let anyone see her nude body or part of her boobs or butt except her husband

while the husband cheats repeatedly mentally or physically viewing whores pornography goes to strip clubs has a piece on the side. he ridicules everything about his wife criticizing her looks. body. clothes. hair, makeup. the way she talks and walks, her cooking is never quite right. she cant do anything to meet his standards. she is not supposed to talk on the phone. not to have any friends or communication with neighbors or family members. he ignores her most of the time tells her to shut the fkk up she is stupid worthless doesnt say or do anything important or worthwhile. he smacks her around every once in awhile to teach her a lesson put jer in her place.



The last insult out of his rotten mouth

The ultimate slap in the face

I cant compete with the world or porn stars

 and that is what he focuses on and why he treats me like shit slave doormat


I am in recovery

 exhausted broken emotions and back

a lifetime of narcisstic abuse and hoarder abuse

avoidance of the destroyers 

narcs are born cant be fixed or changed


isolation

good food

lots of rest

collagen vitamin c, d. e. 

zinc. copper. fish. seafood. meat with bones and skin.

vegetables fruit rice 

my guts are trying to heal from consistent attacks useless fighting and bad food

moderate exercise flexibilty

time to think relax recuperate by isolating myself from warfare emotional bullets flying constant criticism manipulation control freaks hypocrites zealots mean people


writing to release


Personality at birth remains the same

You can't get away from yourself

Monday, January 27, 2025

I cant think of one man i know who isnt a mess

Armchair idiot box person he is stubborn

 isolated himself

and calls me stubborn when i am one of the most flexible people around. says i am stubborn, stupid because i do not agree with everything he thinks, says and is interested in. i view lots of sources of information and do lots of reflection. he doesn't

thinks he knows what is going on by viewing watching listening to broadcasts from only a certain type of "news" source, alot of it is fake made up stuff and totally not fact based or proven


I want someone who loves me for me not just my body for s e x

sneaky sob he is

we think others think what we think and are interested when they are not

investing in yourself is the best investment

create your own career/job and you'll never be fired

I didn't get married to fight with my husband

 sparring everyday

i am worn out

i wanted peace love happiness joy fun relaxation

always


He fights me instead of the world he fights in his head

Sunday, January 26, 2025

carbon monoxide poisoning suspected in my home house

 he burns firewood. i sleep in bedroom next to wall behind fireplace. sheetrock cut out gone behind chimney red bricks flue

symptoms. headaches in morning fatigue dizziness clumsiness dropping spilling things tripping falling off balance weakness 

Friday, January 24, 2025

Old man woman signs

 give up on their own life. watch others more than live their own life

dont want to go out, leave home the house

if they go out it is early morning during the day. night time is no longer fun time


soak up news tv videos internet

bedtime is early

he doesnt want to conquer the world anymore he wants to watch other men with high testoserone do it. super heroes


she doesnt care about her looks and being attractive

she / he eats lots of sweets baked goods candy pies bakes lots of goodies cookies treats

he cant get an erection. has trouble. it began slowly after years of junk food couch sitting , negative programming self doubt


old men mentally turned on by youth and beauty physically incapable of procreation

happy with videos virtual reality not the real thing. he/she is content watching instead of doing

shut their partner spouse wife husband out and focus on outer external world stimuli






Wednesday, January 22, 2025

How can real number of predators be known?

 Not all offenders have been caught in the act

Not all have a police report made and have a record

I am curious to know telltale signs of stalkers, rapists, peepers, predators, killers, etc since i have experienced being a victim countless times and want to avoid and escape these monsters

Most that have tried to or succeeded at getting me have approached me when i was alone. That way there are no witnesses. 

Some act nonchalant towards me when in a group. Some avoid looking at me in the eye thus appearing to have no interest in public. Cornering me when their wife is not present. Approaching me in my yard, in a house, while i am walking, shopping at a store, by myself at work, at a park. Virtually anywhere.





Childhood is permanent

 i learned to do these things from infancy to teen years...

not cry in front of others
be quiet
keep the peace
be the little mommy caretaker
dance to feel good please me and my mom, dad, grandmas, aunts

writing
coffee
cigarettes/smoking
sleeping

cleaning
sewing
ironing clothes
laundry

organizing
solitude
reading


people please
feed 
cook
bathe, take long hot baths

go on walks esp long slow walking
gymnastics
being pretty, cute, beautiful

talk alot to run people off. say a bunch of different stuff to add to confusion so people cant figure out what i am thinking or am going to do. this really sets people off and then i can get away escape and take care of business, do stuff i want to do





AVOID AT ALL COSTS

these people

critical criticizers 

complainers complain complaining

put you down



he is always watching me and all others

 he think he is the director of all of our lives.

he can tell me and anyone else what they need to be /should be doing

i told him to pay attention to himself and quit focusing on other people all of the time and taking over what i am doing as if he is the father knows best

in the beginning i was blind to this controlling part of his personality due to my love and fascination of him and his initial humble appearing calm attitude




at 19 i was smart/smarter

 incidents i remember:

an older man i forgot his name was at the car wash at 63rd st close to raytown rd

i was going to wash my car

he took over immediately saying women dont know how to wash the car properly and proceeded to use the spray wand and wash my car

an immediate insult cut down to me and females in general

i quickly extinguished that man from my life after that comment and i told my new boyfriend that this guy hung around bothering me at work and i was scared he was going to do something to me. the boyfriend went to this guys house and warned him face to face on his porch to stay away from me. bf had a buck knife in his back pocket just in case the guy was armed

bits of memories from 1981 about this guy

he hung around my job where i worked as a cashier at town and country markets convenience store

he had dark brown curly hair and stood between 5 feet 7 to 5'9" medium build

he lured me to his house one time and i slept in a bed there one night thank god he did not push himself on me so i never had sex with him

he came in drunk one time i was at work. sloppy. slurred speech. telling me how much he wanted me and we needed to be together as i was perfect for him

--------------

dewey truck driver old man from lee's summit hung around came into my job at the same place

------------

job at sambos 

some old man another drunk was harassing me at work begging me to come to his house and one of the cooks named tom at the restaurant i worked at went with me to see this crazy man he wouldnt leave me alone. tom was very nice to me respectable and protective of me. tom called me baby cakes and never tried to touch me or said anything out of hand. tom was tall skinny longer dark hair had big eyes. one of the few respectful men i have ever known

tom was a guy and knew what this ass hole was up to..trying to get me alone at his place so he could rape me.

i was so young and did not realize what was going on

-------------------------------------

i had a firey temper when it comes to rude obnoxious people...

this tall guy around 6'4" or so white with brown hair would come into sambos where i worked as a waitress. he was drunk sometimes, other times sober. talked very loud, yelled at the waitresses demanding things as if we were slaves. one time i was fed up with his a hole behavior and i stood in front of the booth where he sat and i said " why dont you get up on the table and do a tap dance for everyone? that would entertain us and you get get attention that way instead of yelling at everyone"

his jaw dropped. he shut up and next times he came in kept his loud mouth shut


----------------------




Criteria/requirements of my new found friends associates

 dance/dances/dancer

flexible intelligent 

excellent communicator verbally emotionally physically

aware of self 

kind considerate polite all of the time

clean neat organized

understanding

creative artistic in any way

loves life people animals science 

childlike curious 

natural

eats healthy

moderate never extreme

never pushy

professional

always seeking to better themselves 

reads alot and comprehends books meanings morals quotations poems literature

looks good in healthy condition not only physically but mentally emotionally 

fun loving

dresses appropriately never looks weird in wild colors or mismatched patterns

appreciates everything instead of constant complaining






You can't teach an idiot who does not want to learn

So far I have only met and been with stupid men

 easily influenced by beauty cuteness of a female

arrogant childish acting fools

this sh**t is about to change for I am

increasing my awareness and 

formulating the image and emotional feelings of the kinds of people I want to be around

if they are foolish acting and mean my choice is to be alone

I dont have to tolerate the worst kind of people in the human race


Fanaticism is ugly

 a huge turnoff to most free spirits/spirited people

one who chains themself to a doctrine of a religion, a political area that divides us, any kind of cult that puts unnatural restrictions on people can make a person turn into one of the ugliest monsters of all

it repels rathers than attracts, is unattractive

it is pushy pushiness arrogance hypocrisy

developed out from a fear of something

totally opposite of natural childhood curiosity innocence and purity

religious, sports fanatics, freeks freaky behaviors and attitudes

addicts addictions to a thing in order to feel better 

inflexibility

lack of moderation

too much of anything is bad for the body and soul

athletic (excess activity) turns a female into a male looking body and turns a male into a morphed looking freak 




Monday, January 20, 2025

Living with a paranoid schizophrenic man

he hates doctors. he doesn't trust them

he will not seek any mental psychiatric help from any counselor psychologist or any person whether they are a doctor or a civilian, a normal regular person

 he suspects is suspicious of anyone and everyone of anything


he feels threatened by any words that conflict with his beliefs and becomes angry and threatens me and sometimes has hit me, shoved me, pushed me down to the ground

he has said no one can be trusted. he has trust issues and says most people will do bad things at any opportunity

he was suspicious of every neighbor we have until he finally got to know them


he has trouble figuring out social behaviors of people and why they do what they do and say what they say

he wrongly assumes what i or anyone is going to say, trying to say and frequently cuts me off finishing sentences for me

he has trouble figuring out what i am doing regardless of the activity and asks me what are you doing


he accuses people of criminal behavior

people are out to get him and have bad motives

any public place we go to he thinks people are always watching him


restaurants, stores, parks anywhere we go he likes to go in walk fast get one thing or a few things and leaves going thru the checkout without me

he thinks people are staring at him when we are eating at a resturant

he thinks people think i am stealing something when we shop anywhere like walmart, dollar tree and will go off on me if i crouch down to the floor to look at stuff, open my purse for any reason


he likes to walk at one park which has hidden trails and says he won't go for a walk if there are alot of people there

he sees the world as a terrible place full of dangers, villains, suspects, 

he is only partly comfortable with a few people that he has gotten to know 


he doesn't want strangers in the house for fear they are looking at stuff we have and will come back burglarize rob and steal things out of the house

he is addicted to sugary drinks juices, green tea with high fructose corn syrup, carrot cake, snack cakes, candy bars, hard candy, french silk pie sold at sams club, little packages individual serving sizes of honey roasted peanuts and prefers the sugar coated snacks over healthier options like plain nuts, breyers ice cream the flavored types are his choices, beef and sausage snacks, potato chips with flavors and coatings instead of plain chips, fritos chips flavored, flavored rum chata, any type of canned fruit loaded with sugar, sweets, artificially flavored and colored food and drinks, 

holidays; he will get me a card for valentines, my birthday including money, sometimes for our wedding anniversary. we do not celebrate any holiday in normal ways like other people do. no true thanksgiving, christmas, easter, mothers or fathers day


he believes in aliens, ufos, crop circles, psychics, conspiracy theory news

he is a narcissist 100% according to all of the information I have found regarding narcs

he is a fear based individual and has a low social emotional iq


he does not know he has any problems at all, does not recognize there is something wrong with him. he has anosognosia. he denies he has mental issues.

according to him everyone else is stupid and crazy and has no idea what is going on

he is easily thrown off balance by the clothes i am wearing. if i am dressed in all black or white and put on a different color coat when we are out he has trouble finding me so i guess he is looking for my outfit


he is physically active which is good. he needs vigorous exercise usually a couple of hours after he wakes up 10 am to 2 or 3 pm

he is a morning person and hates doing things at night

nightly routine is sitting in front of his laptop computer for hours watching news videos world tragedies bad stuff deaths disasters 


he rejects good news, happy and positive thoughts and automatically says something nasty about how it is stupid and it won't last, is most comfortable in his state of misery, hatefulness, focuses on problems not solutions

he has a negative outlook on almost everything seeing the dark side of life. 

he focuses on money, material things, physical things, sex


he is a chronic complainer and accuses me of complaining

he never lived with another woman before me such as a girlfriend, partner, wife

he only lived with his mother, brothers and sisters. mother, a paranoid schizophrenic always causing trouble in the entire family and meddling gossiping sisters who controlled his life dominated his mind and tried to control all of his actions. his father left when he was around 5 years old moved away and the parents got a divorce. when dad died he couldn't go to the funeral in california. dad had lived with his sisters. dad father was schizophrenic and had thorazine shots pills and electroshock treatements for schizophrenia which did not work, did not make him better, did not cure him of his mental illness


his 4 brothers were all mentally ill; william/bill, larry, jerry /gerald and john lee. bill died from an accident, larry was locked up for 20 years in rockhill manor in kansas city for the mentally ill until his death, gerald/jerry saw psychiatrist in california and missouri and took meds sometimes and went to mental health facilites in many places here in kansas city missouri after he came here to visit in 1998; two rivers psychiatric, western missouri mental health, research psychiatric were a few of the places. JOHN was schizophrenic and i don't know if he ever received treatment. he filed a bogus lawsuit against us with 8 false allegations of us and we went to court in dallas texas in 2010 and won the case because we did none of the things he accused us of. 

his 4 sisters have mental problems; dorothy, sharon, sandy, karen. karen died she sought treatment for her schizophrenia and took a multitude or drugs prescriptions for her problems, none of which solved her issues. zanax, zyprexa (which made her gain alot of weight and get fat) were a couple of meds she took. 


he has trouble with organization/organizing things and making things clear, clean, neat, easy to find. he throws temper tantrums fits anytime a thing is moved around or changed or discarded

he conglomerates many different items in the same room having piles of stuff and multi colored patterns of things in the room and says it doens't bother him.

he likes erratic types of music with varying tempos and doesnt like music that have steady beats like dance hiphop rap. he says he can't understand the words or what they are saying in any music piece. he wont even try to listen to the lyrics of songs. i told him to have the lyrics displayed so he can read it. he does not want to bother understanding song meanings or story meanings. he watches stuff for the pictures and videos

he has tremendous difficulty interpreting meanings of anything including quotations, anything out of a book, an analogy, a comparison, a moral to a story, a motive, an intention, 


if i change my hair color he goes bonkers. if i wear any makeup especially eye mascara he notices immediately and comments on it. he likes it if i wear sexy outfits only at home behind closed doors. he insists on closing curtians blinds shades and gets extremely upset if i have no clothes on or no top or bottom thinking the neighbors are going to see any naked part of me. 

he is extremely sensitive to certain smells; perfumes, colognes, scented candles, some food items like fish seafood, popcorn, 

he thinks i should stop whatever u am doing and pay attention to him

says i dont care what you want. what you like

cant separate himself from others. as if all people should be just like him

cant distinguish individuality of beings

cant understand how or why anyone differs from him

thinks men and women are the same, have same desires, abilities, sexual needs and all think like him

like a small child who believes each person can read his mind knows what he wants and watches him listens to him all the time

obsessed with the weather, checking it every half hour or so everyday

knows cost of everything value of nothing

rarely calm. loses temper over little things that are preventable

simple tasks like dish washing, cleaning floors are difficult to accomplish when he is viewing watching me do it

constantly on edge. full of anxiety

doesnt know how to relax and does not want to

has trouble making decisions and at times makes impulsive buys and impulsively says or does things out of anger, irrational statements and actions

says i am the reason and cause for his anger when it is he who causes his own problems and frustration




Piagets stages of development. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325030





















He can't handle long lists of anything

 groceries or any other type of list

he can only get a few things at a time at the store

and it is usually the same stuff he buys

whereas I am like a professional at making long lists of everything


Sunday, January 19, 2025

January month of frozen death

More I focus on someone else the less I can get done. Outside focus equals misery.

He focuses on problems not solutions. Excuses for everything

 any idea for a solution is immediately rejected

problems surmount and continue

if i/we/he is anywhere and i feel fine he will find or create a problem somehow

something is always wrong with anything anywhere

it is a comfort zone attitude for him

he is accustomed to frustration and thrives on it

EXAMPLES

he will not and will not allow me to insulate the garage, the windows or doors therefore creating problems maintaining the proper temperature in this house. so most days during fall, winter, summer it is either too hot or too cold

he will not let anyone in the house to give free estimates on any kind of insulation, heating or cooling methods or house repairs

he makes excuses for the condition of any area in the home each time i say something about it

this house is full of improvisations/rigged/riggs 

this house in some areas looks trashy, hillbilly, like crap : master bedroom looks like a ghetto trash room with cracks in ceiling and walls, a window a/c unit covered up with shitty looking stuff and drilled to the wall by boards, the floor tiles are ancient old 1960s asbestos cracked up and missing and partly covered with a filthy thin rug, there are not closet doors, no overhead lighting, the adjoining bathroom pocket door was never finished so the door cannot be locked, the master bathroom is unfinished; there is no trim around the door and the bathroom tub/shower area needs to have the shower bar properly installed into the walls instead of being pushed against walls to hold it, no trim above the tub enclosure, the tub drain is an old metal plug that doesn't fit quite right and will leak the water down the drain, the bedroom walls are not only cracked but filthy looking and no amount of wiping up with a cleaning solution has fixed it, the two huge windows in the mb were not installed properly (he did it back in 1991 before i moved in) he put expanding foam around edges which not only looks like shit but doesn't work to seal the cracks well, both windows have air leakage and below the windows as well, an old a/c unit used to be in the bedroom (there were 2 window units when he moved in) and there is no insulation over the hole where it was and no sheetrock so the hole is bare ..i covered it with some packing material to help stop some of the cold air draft coming into the room, ..
the second hallway still has 1963 old rotten carpet filthy and he wont remove it and replace it with new or some other decent used flooring, the two sets of stairs are bare wood and have old paint splatters on them and look like crap..they need to be covered with something tiles preferred and have slip stops put on the edges, the small bedroom he sleeps in upstairs looks like the court jester joker lives in there; dirty dusty nasty old blue carpet and a window a/c unit he covers in the winter, another window he boarded up and the placement of the a/c should not be where it is on the roof facing south..the hottest part of the place, the garage has 2 windows in it which are not insulated one has a fan he turns on in the summer and it lets in cold air in the winter, he put some kind of insulation stuff on the garage ceiling which flows and moves around making noise obviously the wrong type of thing to use on the ceiling...
he buys propane tanks and uses a portable heater for the garage which costs more unnecessary money instead of insulating the garage doors and windows, 

he cuts firewood just like his brother larry did and his uncle norman and uses it the heat the house. he fixes chainsaws which require a lot of maintenance and are used to cut the wood. instead of doing other things like properly insulate the house and find other ways to make money. 

these actions cause him to come into my room often to check and see if it is warm or cold in here because his main focus is the electric bill, the cost of electricity to cool and heat this place. he goes in and out the back door often to get wood which then allows alot of cold air to come in here then gets upset if i go out the front or back door and dont shut it immediately. 

he is obsessed with world wars fighting news politics and corrupt criminal people and how they need to be doing the right things

his irrational behavior causes me lots of distress and makes it difficult for me to accomplish things as quickly as i could under normal circumstances..without someone bothering me, asking me dumb questions as to why i am doing anything even sorting organizing cleaning things, moving things so i can clean out cobwebs dirt dust and all..  i have been unable to even consider obtaining a higher education living in this house with him due to his constant negativity, distractions, fighting with me making excuses and telling me i cant do anything like that.






Saturday, January 18, 2025

Happy medium

happy medium definition

https://www.bing.com/search?q=definition%20of%20a%20happy%20medium&cc=US&PC=SANSAAND&form=LWS001&ssp=1&safesearch=off&setlang=en

 discovering ways to encourage happy awareness at home

for myself

with him 

for him


He..

 only wants to watch a show from the beginning

wont watch adult rated stuff on the net due to being tracked

privacy is paramount in life at home


finds it difficult to figure out the moral to a story

abstract meanings are unclear

watching videos listening to broadcasts of news or music on radio tv internet is preferred over reading books



Attractive things he doesn't want me to do

 any appearance or activity that calls attention to myself


dressing dress clothing 

hair styles that are becoming

hats, he hates berets (the ones artists and musicians wear)


makeup

talking to anyone

visiting socializing


being with another person

going to someone's house especially a man/male/guy/boy

dancing 


any type of work showing my talents such as writing drawing creating cooking sketching photography 

bars/taverns any place that serves alcohol beverages drinks 

parties, groups, holiday get togethers



Creative/Destructive creation and destruction in our nature

CREATIVE thoughts and activities

art pictures drawing sketching painting 

sculpting molding ceramics pottery

jewelry making

designing

building 

inventing


DESTRUCTIVE

tearing down 

breaking busting apart

destroying

disintegrating

bashing smashing crashing

whipping 


Antonyms for "fool"

Antonyms for "fool" 

include12:

Philosopher

Brain

Sage

Scholar

Genius

Friday, January 17, 2025

Dirt poor or filthy rich man: They all respond the same way to a beautiful girl. They can't resist.

 DESIRE their company. To be around the female that is attractive.

They have different methods of trying to get in her pants.

Some guys are bold, direct, to the point. 

Some skip all the niceties and go straight for the goods like Ted Bundy or similar psychopaths. They don't want to have to work for any attention.

Some take their time being friends first. Acting respectful and polite.

Some act shy but inside they are wolves just waiting to attack.

Some are very controlling and want to own her. Trap her. 

I have been around a long time and worked at lots of jobs, been to many places.

At some jobs my presence made some of these men act like total jerks and weirdos. I did nothing to make them think I was attracted to them at all. I dressed business like, conservative. I dressed like a man wearing mens overalls, flannel shirts, baseball caps, large plain t shirts, painters pants, mens work boots. I wore no makeup. I used to do work like a man. This drove some of them insane and they acted like pure idiots. It made it difficult for me to work, having to deal with these goofy acting fools who tried to get attention by saying stupid things and cracking stupid mostly sex jokes at me.




EPIPHANY REALIZATION: LIVING WITH MOTLEY FOOLS FOR YEARS

 And I have been a fool for not realizing what I was dealing with.

Common mistake amongst people: Thinking that other people are just like me in the way they think, feel, react and understand.  WRONG

One of the most difficult challenges in life is to deal with a stupid person. I can't always predict exactly what they are going to do. All i know is that is will be something stupid. 

You cannot argue with a fool. They will never understand what is being said.

all they do is laugh in your face and treat more like shit for sticking around them and trying to explain yourself.


A FOOL CHASES. The Court Jester. MOTLEY Fool

A fool begs, pleads, demands. He/she runs after things and ulitmately chases them away. They brag upon themselves and put others down.

The fool chases after these things:

 Money

Sex

Relationships

Attention

Material things

the jester

https://www.jesterplanet.com/the-court-jester/appearance/clothing/

definition of a fool: one who is silly, not serious, stupid, jester, clown, asks stupid questions, says bull sh**t that doesn't make sense and doesn't need to be said, lacks good sense of judgment. 
Add to this: one who incessantly repeats stupid statements as if they are a broken record, a parrot.

gullible. easily deceived. dresses in wild looking unmatched clothes. goofy looking face. can't be serious. makes fun of others when it is they that are funny looking, silly and stupid acting. 

spends money on frivolous things, bad food like sweets, candy, fast food junk.

wont listen to any words of wisdom. 

Cannot think for themselves. Relies on other peoples opinions in order to decide. Makes other people look like a fool, an idiot. Mocks, criticizes, ridicules, condemns and believes this will make them look better, smarter and more intelligent. Relies on status quo.


I see I am the direct opposite of this definition.  I am a serious person. No jokes, joking about things. I don't make fun of others to try to make myself look better. I don't laugh when seeing others get hurt.






Independence. Confidence. Solitude. ME. INVEST IN MYSELF

 I exist. I live. 

I do not need the approval, validation or permission from anyone else to be myself.

I think. I feel. ON MY OWN.


Men only do what they want to do

 I've known countless males during my life. Hundreds. Thousands. 

I have been married three times. Had many relationships with men I have known, have lived with. 

I have known lots of men I that I have only talked to. 

I've talked to many women, read many books, have seen lots of movies and television shows. 

Men do what they want to do.  Women often do what the men want them to do. Whatever hobby, sport, type of work the man does, food he likes to eat or any other activity he likes she often goes along with and might pretend to like it.  It's a way to spend time with him. Otherwise he will spend his time doing what he wants to do without her. 

He is not going to go out of his way to do things I/she likes. In the beginning, the courtship phase, he might do some things she likes. After the relationship is established he quits doing those things. 

I used to do things with him that he likes. The last few years I have quit doing a lot of things I don't like. 

We live alone together. We do many things separately. When we go somewhere together it usually ends of a nightmare for me. 

He refuses to participate in any activity he is uncomfortable with. Why should I endure the misery of doing things that make me feel bad just to try to please him? Not much of anything I do pleases him, anyway. 


Control

 Big Q

The question.

Does he/she I or you want a person they can completely control?

Or do they want someone they can't control?

Do they want both? The one who seems to be controlled and is also wild and uncontrollable?


Thursday, January 16, 2025

I cry so much remembering when my kids were little babies and children

 my kids and grandchildren

so honest cute direct pure loving onery curious active slept good ..fun loving natural ..until society got a hold of them ruining their innocence and natural drive


they grow into adult bodies changing morphing into other beings

and to think that at the time i almost couldnt wait for them to get into school. grow up .. so i could go to work get a job earn money..what a hoax this world is based on money alone to live when living is giving and sharing time together...


they all moved away 

i miss my kids


his brothers did it so does he

hating yourself must be the most miserable thing of all...

 do we hate in others the things we hate about ourselves?


my talents traits super powers hobbies interests

whole family nutso crazy insane ...his and maybe mine, too

NEVER hang around with anyone who puts me/you/other people down

 grandma sarah again

she said never let anyone put you down

they will try to drag you down to their level

because they are jealous

insanely jealous.. envious

as if anyone could steal anything about you 

and what i am/you are

nuts.. some are just totally crazy insane


1999 journals...it is all the same

 he says and does the same old things he did 25 plus years ago

and so do i

he is groundhog day

spies on me opening my door to see what "suspicious activities" i might be doing as 

i sit or lay around reading and writing

asks me what are you going to do today

he makes last minute decisions to run off out the door and go do something

today he moved firewood in the yard first 

and he took off to the car wash



covering myself up keeping quiet avoiding him is best thing to do

 talking to him and revealing anything is the worst

he can't communicate verbally through language

he sees he cant control himself; food, females, tools, equipment, machinery, gadgets, tvs, stereos, speakers, flashlights, cars, trucks, ufos, news esp conspiracies espionage  political, trees for firewood, mowers, lawn stuff, weed eaters, chainsaws


turn ons for him

flesh skin any round area seen 

esp breasts butts

panties lingerie outfits 

holey fishnet 

bras brassieres

 tight on rear rump butt ass clothes

corsets

hair, clothes, eyes

swim suit bikini

nudity naked

makeup applied properly

young girls women ladies



SO turn offs are ill fitting and baggy clothes on me or women

men/man clothing on women

talking more than a few words at a time

breath stinks, behind smells bad

anyone that acts like him: rude, pushy, know it all, take over, egotistical, mean, mouthy, critical, judgemental, cynical, insulting, nosey, bossy, authoritarian, self righteous, sarcastic, selfish, says stupid things, prideful, arrogant, greedy, covetous, interrupting others/me when talking or doing something, slamming him (he slams almost everyone but trump and trump supporters),


he goes into anxiety mode panic when he hears the words sex (if i say that word to someone else in front of him), democrat biden anyone on demo side which he opposes, 







Rearranged my bedroom again..

 this setup is a keeper

i can lay in the sun on my ignite brand exercise mat 

recliner tv dresser bed 2 desks in good spots

6 tips for managing life with a control freak

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201504/6-tips-for-managing-life-with-a-control-freak


6 tips for managing life with a control freak


He always has to think he is in charge

 he re-does whatever i do

makes decisions on purchases without me

has to one up whatever i do

find fault with each and every thing i do 

try to make me feel like i made wrong decisions

try to make me second guess myself as if he knows how i feel and should think and do

says you should ....feel, think, act, do, dress, go, eat, drink, work at ....fill in the blank

cannot stand to be in the vehicle when i am driving

thinks the seat and mirrors adjusted for him should also be correct for me

cant stand differences or changes of any kind unless he initiates them

"father knows best" "i am god and in control of you and the neighbors, people/friends/family we know and I know exactly what they need to be doing"

just like his dead brother john lee stillwell, another man who thought he was god, a control freak and tried to dominate his wife rosie

he tells me how i should open an envelope, a package of snacks/potato chips, tortillas, anything and gets angry if the bag rips saying i just don't know how to properly open it





Wednesday, January 15, 2025

ONE thing at a time.

Efficiency. My message to John and to all.

 9 years working with John at Super Flea.

Fighting about his messy methods every weekend I worked with this man did no good. He never got the message. He just got worse every minute.


Clutter = Crazy = Costly

 Causes inability to focus. Interruptions cause lack of completion of thought and activity. When we can't complete a creative moment we go nuts.

Disorganized life is time consuming. Takes more time to find things and complete tasks.  Costs money. 

Disorganized mind creates constant chaos, confusion and fights with other people. The hoarding clutterbug defends their right to own way too much stuff. They come up with excuses as to why they must keep all of this junk lying around. Argue, arguments arise frequently due to the desire to keep unnecessary things and inability to function with ease. Simple tasks become difficult problems.

Limited movement ability throughout the house, home, yard. Hoarder restricts the movement of things and people, pets, anyone or thing around them eventually leading to the point they have packed themselves into a corner, a hole and have only one place to sit in the house like John did. He had one recliner chair in the living room reserved for himself. There was nowhere else for anyone else to sit. He rarely had visitors, company, friends and had no relatives alive. 

John prided himself on information in his head. He detested cleaning anything and saw no importance in cleanliness or maintenance. 

Frustration mounts quickly. Yelling, cussing. A bomb temper tantrums. 

Cleaning is a nightmare. The clutterbug likes to put something somewhere and leave it there permanently. Cardboard boxes of varying sizes, kinds and types are found throughout the place. 

The kitchen table and other tabletop surfaces are often cluttered with all kinds of things that belong in a cabinet and out of sight. They put everything out in the open so they "can find it easily". 

In the hoarder houses and areas I have visited I noticed that often the only place they straighten up is their bed. The sheets and blanket are somewhat straight and they rarely wash any of their bedding. 

John Layson, Harlow Jundy, Stan Mathes, Norman Rutherford, 

Finding things is difficult. Each place in the home is like a landfill. The refrigerator is packed with so much miscellaneous stuff it is a challenge just to get one thing out of the fridge. The same applies to closets, cabinets, dressers, shelving units. It is a laborious effort to get one simple thing done. 

Inefficient methods cause insanity.

Too much stuff overwhelms the mind. 

Interrupting people causes them to get angry.


====================

My father detested messes, clutter, filth, dirtiness. My sister Joyce and I are the same way.

The times I have lost my temper in regarding living in a chaotic dirty mess. This sets me off bad. 

His method was the dishes if you left them dirty in the kitchen sink. "If you can't clean them up you don't deserve them".

A rather rough way to get the messaage across. A message I always remember.


Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Women I know commanded respect manners politeness cleanliness

me: sarah louise wilson montgomery mertz stillwell

mom/mother: ruth louise dringman wilson foust

grandmas: olga voeltz, sarah elizabeth spainhour mcintire +2 other names dringman mitchell

sister: joyce wilson ikenberry

aunts: florence ruth spainhour, jeanne spainhour shraps

mother of john who i worked with: bernadine layson

cousins:  debbie diane dringman 

childhood friend eventually rommate of john layson:  jacqueline jacque giles

sister in laws: dorothy, sharon/sherry, carol, karen, sandra

mother in laws: patricia ann williams haynie mertz, winnie montgomery, marjorie mae rutherford stillwell

friends: elizabeth andrews, marilyn hughes, elizabeth bozarth









Poor John ... a book I should write

 story of his life from infancy 

adopted

mother used food as a reward

rewarded his scholarly education college degrees

he ate whole cake or pie in one day after studying hard for hours then ate a piece after completing a study session or other goal she set for him and he also bits and pieces of food snacks and sodas sugary drinks  all day long 

he became obese

before death lost lots of weight type ii diabetes heart failure metabolic syndrome

never married 

hoarder obsessed with money and collecting tons of different categories of things

used his sexual energy tied up with born s&m slave master women getting hurt in thousands of videos he had recorded and bought premade vhs tapes and dvds. he watched on youtube the spanking vids, loads of them on his computer. 100s and 1000s of tapes in the house primarily in master bedroom and the den which was like a 2nd bedroom on the first floor of the ranch house he lived in which was his mothers house after she died he inherited it


Be respected from the beginning. If he or she doesn't they never will.

The lonesome loser song good one for the list

john layson family info found today and other things

 today i find out that john layson's mother bernadine elaine miles who married jf layson was living at this address 817 main st kansas city missouri when she got married to quentin frank layson

found the address on mo archives with this picture of a black cat wearing a pink collar on a postcard american organ company advertisement. i am a black cat lover. bernadine played the organ. i sold that organ to a church at 87th and blue ridge a few years ago when john layson was in the hospital.


she died at 5151 raytown rd, raytown missouri Park Lane Medical center June 18, 1992 .ironically enough it is next to the church where I began going every wednesday for the food pantry at the brooking heights baptist church. next to these are the river of refuge homeless shelter. close by is where two rivers psychiatric was located and i used to visit my paranoid schizophrenic brother in law gerald olney stillwell there back in 1998 99 2000 ish

coincidences? from the grave ? she called.. i dont know. not sure if i believe in all of that. just going by what i found, know, remember and experienced. 


bernadine elaine miles/ layson  

january 17, 1915 to june 18, 1992

i never met her but from what i was told she was a very classy lady always expecting proper manners and behavior from people. she ran off and banned several people from coming into her yard or house when they were disrespectful.  i wish i would have known her.... a real true lady 
she had the best looking yard in the neighborhood. 8413 spring valley rd, raytown, mo 64138. she played the organ, was a seamstress, great cook, fabulous at decorating the house all the time especially for the holidays. she was clean neat meticulous orderly beautiful and very motherly. she adopted john who was born november 13, 1946 when he was a baby. she never told john who his real parents are and john had no interest in finding out. i asked him about it and he said i would never do that it would have made my mother very mad...






This guys face reminds me of John William Layson ....

 


Visuals, images, pictures easiest fastest to process with our brain

 any image...

people/person/mother's face is usually the first thing seen by the newborn infant baby

as baby grows it is exposed to images and pictures of countless things

all these things we see and experience make permanent impact on our souls throughout life


What type of person is a voyeur/watches videos constantly? The ones viewing illegal stuff?

 they hide and watch somewhere.. where? at home in the bedroom, living room, garage, any place...

where else do they view this nasty stuff?

why in the world do they do it?

what do they get out of watching weird stuff?

who are these people? 

IMAGES are easiest to process in our brains

much easier than language especially ..it seems.. for lots of males who have trouble with language skills and voice control


one old man i used to know who did this was john layson. he died may 2023

His personality ....

argumentative. majored in and taught political science at a university

he was not the type of man that women found attractive

an intellectual educated dunce acting goofy fool



Jobs/careers you can have, make mistakes and still keep working

 MEDICAL FIELD

physician, doctor, nurse


METEROLOGY

weather forecaster


Spotting an Idiot

 repeats him/herself with stupid idiotic comments

asks questions that dont need to be asked

cant seem to understand common courtesy/decency/respect


goes on an on with a crap stories daily and

continues to keep talking when you leave the room or tell them to stop talking


cannot understand it the first time i or you say it

pounds out lies misconceptions about things


acts like little dictator dominator in each situation 

will not listen to take advice from anyone including professionals


gives no one else credit for much of anything

takes full credit for anything good


jumps your ass right after you get into the car 

blames me or you for this bad behavior


leaves their messes expects me you to clean up after them

then says you are worthless and dont do anything







He talks to me as if I am a child and he is my father...

 and he has never had children

a condescending manner

superior attitude

then I tell to quit telling me what to do and acting like that and he continues to do it even more

and acts like he is confused and doesn't understand why I avoid him


He grumbles and bitches anytime he has to do something personal for someone without pay/money

 says "It's not my fault..." and

"I shouldn't have to do that for so and so. It's not my responsibility to help or take care of that person. It is someone else's "


He shows lots of consideration for neighbors or anyone else. Not much for me. And I live with him.

 he cares what OTHER people think of him

does not give one rats how I feel or what I think


He breaks/busts his nuts to get what he wants....

 regardless of effect it has on me




END of ASS Hole ERA in my life !!!

Light at the end of the tunnel. Seek the light.....

 birth canal

entryway is black hole ..somewhere at the "end" must be the light..or not?

mysterious black holes are always intriguing

i we you dont know exactly where it is going to take me

but it must be somewhere new fascinating and exciting

to go on a journey such as this

may or might this explain our tunnel, cave, box, hole fascination

why males seek to get into that hole ..but sometimes some are scared they will fall into it and get sucked in and never come out where they came from?

he sees a cute thing her face is nice then checks out the entire body quickly. it only takes a second or two or a few and the whole view is processed...

hair, clothes/body shape, eyes...that is the sequence my husband told me and i verified it from other males

so he sees it, if interested then he wants to check it out for availibility. can he get in there in that secret place? if he gets in can he do that thing and get back out safely, back to home, to mommy mom mother?



He cooks himself food and doesn't make extra for me. EXPECTS ME TO MAKE FOOD FOR HIM.

 Doesn't ask me if I want any.

He is making bacon just enough for himself. 

A few strips JUST LIKE HIS MOMMY did for him many years ago when I met him.


ZERO TOLERANCE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR

 how many chances to give a person for acting up like an ass hole?

1

I have made huge mistake of allowing people to be rude mean abusive on more than one occassion.

Some women are a whole lot smarter and do not put up with any abusive behavior from the git go/start.

First incident and the jerk is out the door, out of her life.



God is dead. He took over

 a low iq bully narc narcissist

devil demon deceiver liar

fast fix type 

cant wait impatient

outside might look good

insides are rotten



Monday, January 13, 2025

Work a job only. None of these things

 no cooking being chef cook

no dietitician nutritionist herbalist

no being nurse doctor


no shopping

no housework


no cleaning

no doing taxes

no free sex slave


no doormat treatment rug to wipe your feet on

no maintenance of home car or anything

no one to screw then kick in the back and slap in the face


no baby or child care rearing

no one to take care of his mother sister brother family members


no responsibility for anyone but the self

no free slave duty

no free counseling being soundboard for whining man


no free nurse maid

no free psychologist

no free hostess for his family friends guests boss


no free laundress

no free friends with benefits roommate who pays bills

no being free toy doll playmate he can take out and play with then dump and stomp on when he is done playing


no on call errand runner

no last minute date

no caretaker for his house cars possessions


no one to talk to

no one to take for granted

no innocent one to punish 


no one to dominate

no little dummy sitting on couch watching his movies music shows news tv sitcoms

no person woman who does all this stuff then gets told she does nothing











easy way out he said years ago..

 1991 92 93 in my journals i wrote.. the hub said most women take the easy way out get married be with man who pays bills

what a stupid idiot thing to say

choosing love over a career is the hardest thing in the world 

esp marrying a man and finding out he doesnt and never did love you and putting up with his abuse and shit for years

yesterday he made another dumb ass comment lie saying you tried everything except for getting a job

why ..because all he focuses on is money 


I could NOT have had any man I wanted

 contrary to what my son , grandma, acquaintances and others told me

a lie. 

the few guys i did want didnt want me

the ones i could care less about were after me

i now dont want anyone


I am responsible for what i say and do

 i am not responsible for what everyone else does

I did not make him that way

 he was already like that before i met him

this is contrary contrasts with what this man named tom told me

tom is another conspiracy theorist superior acting know it all mechanic and technician man who is single never married lives in moms basement never found perfect woman because no woman would have him to marry


He "shot himself in the foot" equivalent to 1000s of shotguns and bombs

 and lost possibly the only woman who ever loved him

raw words no filter on mouth

has no idea how to say something in a nice way to not hurt my feelings or his family

interesting he never talks to neighbors that way

he must respect and fear them the neighbors not me or family



He goes ballistic over

 if he thinks i discuss sex 

if he thinks anyone saw my body nude in any manner

if i talk about money he we or i have

if anyone disagrees with differs from his politics

any changes

any criticism 

any direction 

being corrected

moving anything around unless he does it

me getting something he hates

me saying or doing something he hates doesnt understand, wouldnt do himself, 

telling him homosexual men are really 100% gay. he believes its a front so they can screw more girls

anyone with a different point of view, lifestyle, any type of difference

saf slow as fuck understanding human or animal nature

qaf quick as fjjk to blow up theow a fit when he doesnt get his way or meets disagreements or differences

prejudiced as hekl








He is nice to neighbors face

 all the neighbors i have seen him interact with

nice to face. talks bad to me about all of them

appears to be calm level headed smart intelligent capable  nice guy handyman hard worker to all of them. does lawn tree work plumbing mechanical repairs 

they text and call him as if he is related relation family

they dont know what happens to me behind closed doors

he is all about appearances wanting his status to look good


Meanest to me then family

he goes ballistic over spills breaking something

 accidents in general especially by me or other people

a drop of water anywhere

me dropping anything

after intimacy freaks out if its spilled onto bed

him he got plate of spaghetti out of microwave it all hit the floor

a jar of pickles fell out broken plastic bag


Plain Jane. Simple Sarah. that is me.

 a real boring girl

Clothing. Dressing appropriately for the society and environment.

DEVILMENT. Activities done in private or away from home.

Some people are simply up to no good at certain times and in certain places.

Who does this type of thing? Who is most likely to be doing corrupt things when they think no one is looking? 

My guess is the suspicious person who is always looking around watching other people. Checking out the environment to see who might be looking at them or in their house or car or whatever place they happen to be in.

They hate to be recorded. Hate the security cameras all over. Are paranoid of police and law enforcement.

Think someone is watching them and following them. Think if they are shopping somewhere someone is going to accuse them of stealing. 

Guilty of theft they are always afraid of being caught. They are reluctant to let people in their house because they think people rummage through their stuff, look around the house to see if there is something they want to steal and fear that some things they stole from someone else might be seen by the person or people they let into the house.

They believe they are being spyed on when they are the ones spying on others. 

The partners they choose (wife, husband or live in) are often directly opposite of them. The mate will be open, honest, trustworthy, nonchalant and never worried about being spyed on, stolen from, watched, tracked or caught doing anything wrong. Often the innocent partner has no idea what devilment this devil is doing behind their closed bedroom door, garage or any other place at home. They don't have any idea what this devil does when they leave the house.

These devils are guilty as sin. Often they accuse their partner/wife/husband of doing the very things they are doing or have done. They accuse anyone anywhere of being dishonest, cheating, lying, stealing, robbing, grabbing anything they can illegally. 





Communication is impossible with a psychotic individual : how can i help my loved one during a psychotic episode

 https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/286-how-can-i-help-my-loved-one-during-a-psychotic-episode

how can i help my loved one during a psychotic episode

Communication is impossible with a psychotic individual

anything i or you say or do is not interpreted correctly. all 5 senses are distorted. 


no one is helping me deal with this husband of mine. he is getting worse by the minute.

i can't help him. 

i don't know of anyone can help him.

no one was successful in helping his family members who are/were psychotic schizo so the chances are slim that anyone can do anything to make him better


He:

 refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. 

 hates doctors and definitely will not seek any kind of mental help

 MISINTERPRETS ANYTHING HE SENSES

 misinterprets my and other people's intentions, motions, reasons and feelings

 hears things not there, hears them wrong

 sees stuff not there

 smells things not there. misinterprets a smell. example he says coffee and cigarettes smell the same

 tastes are off at times, saying a food doesn't taste right when there is nothing different or wrong with it

 touches practically anything sticking his fingers in things where they don't belong






Saturday, January 11, 2025

Today you are 3 years old Damian grandson I have never seen

 


I wish i could have held you and raised you.


Scrambled brains

Easily distracted he is

 cant stay focused on our conversation

cant stay seated during a meal when we are eating

keeps cell phone close responds to texts or calls immediately regardless of what he is doing

gets up many times goes to another room or outside while eating

eats snacks while walking around the house.

checks weather constantly throughout the day

cuts me off when i am talking

finishes my sentences

wont look me in the eye

announces he is leaving house a few minutes beforehand. sometimes gives no notice and rarely leaves a note

cant focus on what i say when we in close vicinity

scrambles my words and meanings

misses about half of what i say because he is not paying attention

plays computer chess staring at screen when we are talking in living room

headphones on most of the evening listening to conspiracy news . falls asleep in chair wearing headphones


when i am gone blasts stereo with shit

scrambled brains



Get it before you need it. Be prepared or pay high prices or do without.

Indecisive and ambivalent (love me one day, hate me the next) you are running scared.

Indecisive and ambivalent (love me one day, hate me the next) you are running scared.
You don't know what you want, are so afraid to make a mistake.
You don't know who you are.
You don't know who anyone else really is and
You don't care and don't care to know anyone or yourself.
The more afraid
you are, the more mistakes you make. You are not consistent. 
You shake, Your body shakes. Your hands shake the most
at times when the fear is abundant, rising higher to the top of your head.


The more afraid you are of losing, the more you lose.

You have threatened me for the last time.
You will never hit me, never strike me again.

You had something more precious than gold--love, my love--and you didn't
want it. (because you didn't know what is was nor the value of it.
Value to you is based upon how much money it cost or how
much money you can get out of it. Period.

The first thing/statement/question out of your mouth regarding
any situation is "How much did that cost?!"
and "Why are you wasting your money on crap like that!"

Money is your god--the thing you worship IS gold, coins,
money, material things: it is mammon, not the source energy.
Physical results are worshipped, not the SPIRIT because you were
never loved as a child so you don't understand love or respect and
you never will.

Joy is in my heart and soul naturally. 
You can't understand that so you are jealous, resentful,
mean, critical, hateful and threatening to me.
Little things make me happy. You see no importance of little things
and mock my love of them. 

Hate dominates your heart. 
You show it everyday in all the little things you say and do.
You keep track of what you have done.
You think everyone owes you and you owe no one.
Everybody owes you.

Some of you favorite comments, statements, "suggestions", questions:
"Why don't you do something useful" 
"I don't see /understand the use of that."
"That is stupid"
"People are just stupid. They can't do anything for themselves."
"Other people don't do quality work, they rush through things
and do inferior poor jobs."
"That's a bunch of crap"
That's bullshit.
I don't believe it/that.
I can't believe it.


You are the center of the universe, demanding the full attention
of the world. You are the only important one who exists.
No one else matters. People are insigificant. Some of them
"don't deserve to eat". 
You lack self awareness, introspection.
You project your behavior, thoughts and feelings upon others,
accusing me and others of what you are thinking, feeling and doing.

You are impatient, pushy, forceful, demanding, mean, resentful,
hateful, argumentative, accusatory, threatening, lying,
cheating, stealing, vengeful, contradictory, unbalanced, unsteady,
ambivalent, unsure, unkind, fake, phony, lost, outer oriented,
critical, 

You drive a car too fast, quickly changing lanes and turning on the
directional turn signal too late or not at all, sometimes cutting off
other drivers, speeding/going too fast and constantly cursing at
other people driving saying they are stupid and don't know how
to drive, accusing them of being what you are: disrespectful and
rude. 

You are always looking to take advantage of someone or something
anywhere in any place or any situation.  Opportunistic.

You will work hard AND you will WHINE and COMPLAIN
about it. You complain about almost everything.
A 5 minute task or situation turns into 5 hours, 5 weeks, months
or even years. When a problem arises, a mistake or "bad" thing
happens, you must find someone to CRUCIFY (usually me,
the one closest to you) and perform your relentless character
assassination, your tyrannical rages typical of a narcisstic
dictator who believes they (YOU) are God himself or herself.
You believe you can do do wrong, rarely if ever admitting to a
mistake or truly apologizing because you repeat
the same behaviour of a true maniac each time any event
happens that you disagree with or think it wrong, according
to your opinion. On very rare occassions you will
say I am sorry then turn around at the next and any next future
oppportunity and say the same mean and rotten hateful
words to me and try to make me feel I am on trial, often for
something I did not do and had no part in

Your opinion is FACT, (in your mind only). 
Rationality is out of the question and is virtually impossible.
There is no such thing as a rational, logical discussion of any subject.
A legitimate discussion is impossible to have with you as
you persist on turning every thing into an argument, even 
when the other person you are talking to agrees with what you say.

Anyone you speak to or anyone you watch anywhere in the media
or in the world
must completely conform to your idea of what is "perfect"

They must be in total alliance/agreement with your beliefs, opinions,
attitudes, paradigm, expectations, wants, needs, desires,
preferences and perceptions
otherwise you call/deem them as stupid, an idiot, a moron, fucked up,
screwed up, a fuck up, can't do anything right, "a mess",
can't do anything right,
screw everything up,
hopeless, a freak, deserve to die, don't deserve to live,
don't know what they're doing, "you or they think they know it all",
you / (me) don't know what you're talking about, you /(me) don't know
anything, "you don't understand", "I can't understand", "should be
tied to a tree", should be shot, poisoned, beat up

You look for flaws, errors, something wrong in everyone and everything
in any place or situation.
You don't want solutions. 
You won't listen to anyone.
You won't take advice.
You literally believe you know it all.

You think you have all the answers.
You know what everyone else should be doing at all times.
You belive people/humans are the scourge of the world.
You only want to focus on the problem and continually
pound on it for hours, days, weeks, months and years on end,
running around in endless futile circles like a rat running on
a wheel in a cage, getting nowhere. 












FIGHT/ not everyone believes that all things require fighting

 that includes me

I believe in ease, flexibility and finding the best and most sensible ways to do things and get things


Dietician. A "job" that would be great for me

 I love to discuss food, health, nutrition, herbs and all of it

However the chance that I will spend 6 or more years in college and agree to continuing education for the rest of my life and end up spending probably 150 thousand dollars or more on my education is very doubtful. 

The jobs average pay is around 79 thousand a year according to web info.

I could write books on this subject of personal experiences of myself and hundreds of people that I know that have undergone massives health changes due to what they eat and drink.


Personal choices reflect personality

Words spread fast in our family friends neighbors and clans

He is / does

 chronic complainer, naysayer, whiner, grouch

rigid, inflexible, mean, vindictive, hateful

negative attitude on just about everything (people pointed this out to me many years ago but i didnt realize it at the time because i have a positive outlook on life)

cheapskate penny pincher 

knows cost of everything, value of nothing

focuses on lack instead of abundance

will not change

nitpicking criticizer fault finding

detail oriented with mechanical, wood, work projects

his physical appearance is top priority 

every hair in place

emphasizes paying bills on time and being on time/early for things

projects his self ideas imaginations upon me and others saying things like 'i know what you are thinking and what he/she is thinking' and is wrong most of the time

cant figure out how anyone has alot of money without breaking their back/physical body at work or any other activity

says they dont deserve to make or have that much money regarding any person in high paying job or field 

fear based on most things

says what if often

prepares for disasters and loss

diy do it yourself thinks he can do just about everything himself and no one can do a job as good as him

constantly tells me things i already know and can figure out for myself as if i can't figure it out and have senses of my own

treats me like a baby, a child and and idiot

thinks he knows best in most things as if others dont know and arent smart or good enough 

acts like other people cant do their job

impatient

drives too fast

impulsive

early in the morning does things 

thinks he is going to miss out

arrogant, egotistical, hypocritical, belligerent, obstinate/stubborn, obtuse/dense/can't understand


clean about his body, showers usually at least once a day

gets dirty filthy sweaty almost every day

cuts firewood and uses fireplace to save on electricity heating bill instead of figuring out how to make more money to pay the bills

ebenezer scrooge

money is his god

only believes after he sees and often says i cant believe that even after seeing or experiencing it

thinks everything is a fight, things are always hard, difficult, frustrating and back breaking

says nothing comes easy 

opportunistic/takes advantage of any person or situation for self gratification

scared to death someone is going to see my body (my ass/butt/boobs/tits) and has always tried to get me to cover myself up and try to look ugly and unappealing












Friday, January 10, 2025

Live or work with a crazy person and nothing is right

 it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, if they are nuts

your whole life is a mess thanks to them


like war of the roses movie

 she hates the way he laughs being phony while entertaining business boss guests. and on the phone. he laughs like an idiot

he brown noses sucks up to other people

claims he works hard all the time for house and supposedly did it for her. truth is he did it for himself selfish sob

has a stupid little car she hates

it wouldnt bother her if he was dead and she was alone

cant stand to watch him eat

he embarasses her in front of her friends at dinner

he thinks he is smart and brilliant

he has no interest in her work, her mind, feelings

relationship began as physical attraction only for him. she fell in love.


she was flexible. gymnastic acrobatic loves rain she is warm nice beautiful lady great personailty. he doesnt want to get wet. he is stick in the mud bore

he is a fool





sneaking villain

i am done with all if them

a real man

 protects his woman and children


he has no business having a relationship

 he should never have a wife or a girlfriend

he doesnt know how to be a mature male husband

he is selfish egotistical dirty vulgar rude disgusting self righteous hateful stingy uncooperative self serving

belligerent

arrogant

liar, cheat. fraud. phony. fake. abusive. 

lives in a fantasy world where he controls everything and everyone

i am not sure he should even hire anyone to do anything including mating

he should never have the opportunity to create offspring. he hates children. 

he treats people like slaves morons and idiots

he eats fake food

he drinks fake alcohol

he believes in lies perpetuates them




cute clean innocent quiet conservative modest

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

i knew a guy..

 who wanted my dirty underwear panties

to rub his nose in like a dog

smelling piss shit and come

he was a dog owner and loved dogs.. ironic

he consumed very dirty porn magazines

he told me this shit and i never let him touch me..what a nasty man



he watches her face for expressions

 waits for reactions

smiles 

tears

frown

anger

eyes looking his way

this particular husband loves to

see me upset angry crying

so did the last one

will say or do anything to aggravate upset irritate me

only time he allows smiling is in bed




give me liberty or give me death

 i would rather be dead

than live with a tyrant feeling like i am locked up in a jail cell of hell


He ruins everything. Nothing is fun.

 it is all about his frustration and anger

his inability to come up with easy solutions to anything

he deems almost everything as "it's complicated"

views the world as full of crime, war, stupid people

each meal time is complaints about something

each activity a miserable disaster. taking a walk, to going to the zoo or

walk at a mall, shopping at any store such as price shopper, aldis, savealot, walmart, eating/dining at any restaurant

each and any thing i do around him becomes an angry filled frustrating mess by the way he acts like i cant do anything right and he thinks he knows best as if he in charge of everything and knows it all

he instantly criticizes other people in the vicinity saying the most nasty mean raw things about them that if these people heard him say it they would never talk to or look at him again

many times i asked him what do you think tracy or sharon or anyone else you slam would think or feel if you said that rotten thing to their face?

he is a warlike trouble maker just like all of the members of his family i have met

i am the one under attack the most because i live here and he wont go straight to the person he is pissed at and tell them what he thinks of them





Tina Turner's life very similar to mine

 in aspects that she was beautiful smiling lady full of soul and talent

ike was money hungry jealous control freak

pushing her when she didnt need to be pushed

so he could get the money and have sex with as money females as possible

and beat the shit out of her often

micromanaging her, dominating, controlling, verbally and physically abusive

when she was the one who had it all and he was a no talent nobody greedy bastard


when i make it out of hell

 i am now and will be very choosy about my company

people, anyone i befriend 

i am to the point of wanting to live alone possibly indefinitely


i can be and am totally happy tending to myself

i stand alone in this black hole cave jail cell living with the devil demon

psycho control freak micromanaging maniac

norman bates


everybody liked me 1991 now he is the one everyone calls and talks to 2025

 1991 i am very nice person easygoing have lots of friends i introduce him to

2025 he has become the one everyone calls from the neighbors to any person we both know

he has made himself to appear to be the nice guy to all people except me

has osmosis occurred? 

shapeshifter stolen my personality


he shuts me out, tells me to shut the fuck up, says i dont want to hear you

says you think you know everything, you're stupid, 

you dont know what youre talking about,

you look like a scarecrow

can't you do anything right

i dont want to be around you

i dont like your personality

he pays visits to people without me. the ones i know about are his old friend kenny gill, our mutual friend kirk hupp, tony gomez. he goes to see his 2 sisters still living dorothy and sherry and doesnt want me around because he says he cant talk and i dominate the conversation. many several neighbors around here call him on his cell phone and some call the home phone. he even has it so my own sons call him instead of me. he comes back home sometimes and says he visited his aunt lorraine (his mothers only living sister/sibling) and her husband duane. he does not tell me who he visits every time or where he is going or goes. 

i am becoming more doubtful and suspicious of him as the minutes pass due to his behavior towards me and is fake phone nice guy appearance he puts on to anyone and everyone else 





Thursday, January 9, 2025

tyrant control freak little dominator

 takes over lots of things i do

haughty

grabs things out of my hands

says you do stupid things

you deserve to have it taken away from you

 i have told him for years to quit taking over what i do. he continues to do so at any opportunity

i dont like it and no one else would like it. 

that is treating me like a 1 year old baby who doesnt know the dangers of doing things

psycho

maniac

cannot understand language my words and i clearly communicate things to him

he railroads me in many things i do and want

tells me how to walk, talk. dress, 

where to work 

i opened a window to let the cat in. removed the screen. grabbed the cat. he grabs the screen puts it back in shuts the window said thats letting cold air in. youre not doing it right. you dont know how to do it

talking does no good so i said

maybe i should hit you with something next time you take over what i am doing so you will understand. no i wont do that. i am not a violent person.

he also thinks he knows how to run other people at businesses and restaurants . constant criticism and making ignorant statements about other people dont work hard and dont know how to do their job

hypercritical of everyone but himself







abused people look like a train wreck

his tone of voice

 changes immediately according to who he is talking to


controlling communication and information

 seems primary to control freaks

limiting me 

telling me what to say and do and wanting to know who i am talking to and what i am saying

asking me questions about anyone i talk to

isolating me


he preaches lectures to me same stuff daily

 tells me dont drive when they salt roads

tells me instead of the person he is talking about how stupid they are for saying believing doing something he disagrees with and shouldnt be doing this or that

i always say go tell the person what you said to me.  go fight the ones you are mad at. dont take it out on me

he comes to erroneous conclusions and assumes lots of things about people businesses governments science virtually any subject and wont confront ask a person about their job wages etc and instead believes his assumptions



he thinks everything is right now

 i clearly state i will do something later

that anything is for later

he says im not going to do it right now each time

and i say i said it is to do or think about later each time he says that

frustrating frustration for me

he has to listen to current conspiracy news daily for hours on end afraid he is going to miss something on the news

whatever is currently going thru his mind dominates and he expects immediate results

a time bomb mind that detonates explodes instantly regarding anything

fast moving in a rush quick anger and gratification

whereas i take my time have patience wait and usually go slow moving and driving

he watches fast flashing skits of people crashing or weather or bomb disasters .. i hate that stuff


Some laugh at other peoples or animals pain, misery, sadness or loss

 watch out for these types and avoid them at all costs


Pigs, horse, monkeys, snakes, rats

 if any of these have information about you ..


pig... wallow in the mud and shake it off onto you

horse ...stomp you into the ground

donkey... kick you in the back when you turn around


monkey.. shit in their hand throw it in your face. monkey wrenches in your life

snake.... nice to face, turn around and bite you

rat.. cuddle up to your warmth and bite you




Never reveal plans/goals. Less anyone knows the better

 less i reveal better off i am


Wednesday, January 8, 2025

tell someone what to do and get resistance, defiance

male who doesn't fight males attacks women and children

female abused becomes vulgar loud mean

marry a person and you are married to their family

a travel bag should always be packed and ready

 things to do

wealthy or poor man: he cant resist round ass and boobs, girls bouncing up and down

marriage invented to protect woman from poverty

i have thought about

 jumping on that train that goes by my house

escaping out my bedroom window in the middle of the night

getting my passport and leaving the country

going for a walk in the woods and dying there by suicide

freezing to death by sleeping in my van in subzero weather

finding some pain pills ingesting them with alcohol and drowning in the swimming pool

bleeding to death in the bathtub

getting a ride after he goes to bed and clubbing partying all night without drinking coming back home around 5 am

walking up to the closest motel and checking in for the whole weekend

renting a cheap motel by the week for a year

checking myself into a jail cell for safety





all these tears the last 2 years

 i have been crying and now i know why

family is broken apart

i cry for all of them and me


new chapters in my life

 stage now dead zone 

realizing most things that were

are now dead

gone

useless


one of my biggest fears happened to her

 the husband screwing another woman

twice as bad

doing it in front of her under their own roof in their house

and their child is present in the house

and the other woman has 2 children by 2 other men



Tuesday, January 7, 2025

age 4 sex molestation

 david newman did it to me when i was 4. beginning of my sex life as far as i remember.

after that happened i remember playing with a neighbor girl one time. i went to her house. i told her to put the end of plastic jump rope handle a small tube in her vagina and i put the other end in mine. her mother walked into the living room. i left never went back.


later when i was 9 years old in 4th grade at rushton elementary school

living in mission kansas on west 55th street with my mom dad and  3 little brothers

i molested my youngest brother who was 5. i only did it once. didnt need to do it again. mission accomplished. my brother was scared and had no idea what was going on. 

i dud it to my brother due to the neighbor girl telling me you would start your period if you had sex. penis penetration. i wanted to grow up fast and be a woman. 

so i bled after i sat on top of him then carefully sneaked to the bathroom to clean myself up

i didnt start my period until september 7, 1973 age 12

since i bled at 9 i believed i was not a virgin. a tainted spoiled ruined little girl. i would have to tell my future husband this. so i told terry jennings the 17 year old who screwed me when i was 15. at least he wore a rubber condom. how considerate. 

the sex was terrible. i froze in fear while he got on top. blood came out of me. i cleaned it up. he got off. got up and left the house. no sorry you didnt come,  sorry i did nothing to help you enjoy it.

2nd time he screwed me at my house. zipped up his pants. minutes later said i am breaking up with you. no reason given.

next boyfriend i had sex with was a very nice guy. he was 16. i liked him alot but didnt feel strong love. i broke up with him and gave him no reason. he likely made other women very happy. he was married last time i saw his facebook account. she is a lucky lady.





first time had sex at 15

 i wondered if anybody could tell

i just had sex

not a virgin anymore

so i thought they would see it on my face

but nobody did

only the jerk who fucked me twice then broke up with me 

after he had been telling me for months he loved me and was going to marry me. another liar bad boy. he ended up being a cop of all things




If i could return to infancy

 i would be a fresh clean slate

instinctual only

no analyzing

pure


basics of life

no pretentions

seek warmth comfort food milk water

hugs with mama and grandma

dancing with myself mom gma aunt


curious about everything

fun loving seeking pleasure

scared of roar of lion dad grandpa they are loud and frighten me





Quit expecting people to be like me. They arent

Never get blood out of turnip ..

 or empathy from a snake

Loser males do not respect the female girl woman/women

 and when she gets upset due to their nasty rude disgusting behavior and rotten disrespectful insulting comments 

they say she is complaining, a bitch, nagging, demanding, stupid. worthless, dumb, a sucker

expects her to cowtow to him and like it. she is to neglect herself and put him first at all times

he makes messes expects me and her to clean them up


some of these guys do not clean up after themselves

their body stinks

they pick their nose, their feet and do stuff like pet the animals dogs cats or any other animals bugs insects and dont wash their hands before eating or sticking fingers in their mouth or anything else. spreading dirty hands, filth, germs 

sneezing and blasting it all over the room without covering their mouth

once in awhile they act nice only to get something they want and once they get it the female is the doormat again. ignored. shoved aside.

male pushes female to limits checks boundaries to see how far she will go, how low and nasty she can be stooping to his level of rot

any disgusting immoral thing on their mind is a thing they will try to get her to do..some men actually like to watch female eat shit or drink piss and get off on it

once sex has happened she is quickly discarded and disrespected treated like trash on the street

the woman they lust for and never get might be the only one or ones they respect. virgin whore complex.

they shoot orders, are bossy and think they are the boss in charge of me or you

disregard feelings of others

often get a "gift" for her or someone which is the wrong thing and expect me or you to be happy with it

do not give one rats ass if what they say or do makes me or you cry, in fact they probably enjoy seeing the misery on my face. it makes them feel more powerful and strong. me crying in front of them is a big mistake. he laughs or gets angry if i do.


believe in this is my house i will do as i damn please and i dont care how you feel, what you want, think say or do

some hide sneak around run off and do lots of dirty things away from home so she the girlfriend or wife wont see it so he wont have to face consequences

he expects a puppet doll who is silent and complies with all of his demands immediately

during courtship in the beginning might play the game of faking it and doing some things she likes to do but he actually hates doing a lot of things she or i like and you wont find out until you are already hooked in love with him and it is too late

refuses to do anything he does not like or is not good at

if he is a cheapskate will not pay for sex or any type of thing a woman likes. if he has money he might pay for sex and want to keep his whores a big secret from society so he looks good and doesnt go to jail. 

he will not listen to anything she says advises or knows. he minimizes her thoughts ideas suggestions

he minimizes any type of pain or suffering she experiences

sometimes he comes up with "fixes" to her problems or issues that never work

he loves chaos disorder, disruption, stinking piles of shit lying around

he is a poor communicator. language comprehension is lacking

at times he pretends to understand then shows he does not have a clue what you are saying

he does terrible things then feigns ignorance acting like he didnt know he said or did anything wrong

rarely takes responsibility for what he says or does

if he apologizes it is fake. he says sorry then does it again . 

blames others for his mistakes and abusive behavior


takes credit for all goods, money, material things possessions ..anything considered beneficial

he is a spirit killer. brings other people down and it makes him feel superior

he expects absolute freedom in all he does

he restricts her and children at all times

he has to step on peoples heads to make himself look bigger and taller

he wants all windows blinds and curtains shut so no one can see in the house. 

he would likely go to jail if neighbors could see in there and hear what goes on and comes out of his mouth

he wont listen to the females warnings about safety issues, taking precautions and being prepared

he is a threat to the human race when he is the antisocial type who refuses to get involved or ask for help . he thinks he can survive all alone and gives no one else credit for his survival and all of the things he has in his life

he is ungrateful, selfish, egotistical

his head is in the toilet of all kinds of shit which can include any type of negative destructive thing such as pornography, fights. war, battles, games.  politics, religion, criminal activities, theft. fraud. money stealing. murder rape torture.


he acts like a pig and expects me and women to be gracious and ignore it and make excuses for his bad behavior

he fakes politeness in public and upon first meeting


he thinks he is entitled and deserves everything automatically

he thinks he has authority 

he demands to be respected and us not respectful to all

he might do anything to get money

some get a hoard of women.

a harem to serve them. a pimp, hustler, 

he thinks his money possessions big business and knowledge lets him get anyone or anything he wants

his partner and children is the main target of his frustration and anger. he usually wont face the real target and cause of his anger such as the boss at work or a neighbor.  





 
















love spreading appeals to me naturally