I must have mold on the brain and my whole body is loaded with mold fungi bugs and toxic waste from all of it
Tuesday, June 25, 2024
I feel better when I leave this house
Currently feeling like crap
Tired. Coughing and hacking up phlegm for over a week now
Just ate breakfast at 4 pm. Now need to rest
For many years I remember noticing how much better I feel as soon as I get out of this house
I don't know what it is. Don't know why.
Told my son back in 2020 I noticed I feel better in his house and the only thing I concluded was it must be the air. Quality of air must be much better than in my house.
This house makes me sick
What I spend my time doing
Trying to maintain my sanity
Trying to survive living with an insane person
Watching videos about narcissist and sociopath so I can deal with it daily
Researching health and nutrition, mental health
Dealing with chronic and intense back pain daily
Unable to maintain regular levels of energy on a daily basis do to health issues which I now suspect is mold related caused induced perpetuated by the things we have in the house. This has been going on for eons. Mold fungi fungus dander dirt dust mites bugs roaches all kinds of pest and people allergies
Food experiments. Shopping for food. Finding food. Eating in peace anytime I possibly can.
Concluding I can't communicate with one who is unable to
Monday, June 24, 2024
CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS HE DOES, HAS DONE, STILL DOES
TELLING ME NOT TO WASH MY FACE IN THE SINK BECAUSE IT SPLASHES WATER. HE TOLD ME THIS STUPIDITY MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO. SICK, BECAUSE WASHING THE FACE IS VERY GOOD AND REQUIRED FOR HEALTH
ATTEMPTING TO STOP WHATEVER I AM DOING IF HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT
DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I EVEN LOOK INTO ANOTHER ROOM, GO INTO A ROOM, GO OUT THE DOOR, MOVE MY VEHICLE OUTSIDE, HANG CLOTHES OUT
NOT NORMAL THINGS TO DO. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO LIVE
WEARING HEADPHONES/EARPHONES ALL THE TIME
CONFINE ONESELF TO THE HOUSE
24/7 NEWS LISTENING
FOLLOWING HOUSE MEMBERS AROUND NOT ALLOWING THEM TO DO ANYTHING, MOVE THINGS, CLEAN, EAT
HE DOES THIS STUFF AND THINKS IT IS NORMAL
HE SAYS NUCLEAUR WAR IS IMMINENT. JUST WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN, LIKE RUSSIA TO HIT US,
A WOMAN CANT CLEAN HOUSE WHEN HE THE MAN IS AT HOME
HE SITS ON THE COUCH OR CHAIR AND DOES NOTHING BUT SHOOT IDIOTIC ORDERS AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS AND MAKE DUMB COMMENTS
I cant continue living in clutter and insanity
i am still weak feeling moving slow and in recovery from this cold flu virus whatever it is
and each and every thing i do every ,move he sees is screaming at me for it
saying i am just moving things around in my room for no reason
he refuses to allow proper intense house cleaning
this house is full of bugs, not only the visible spiders, ants, roaches i saw a huge on in my bathroom last night, the spider crawling on me while i slept, ants in the bathroom, millipedes crawling up from the bathroom floor and this house if full of invisible bugs .... the ones i cannot see or directly smell
MAJOR HOUSE CLEANING NEEDED.
IT IS CALLED GETTING RID OF BUG INFESTED TRASH INSIDE THIS HOUSE AND ON THE OUTSIDE
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO CLEAN HOUSE WHILE THE MAN IS AT HOME SITTING ON THE COUCH/CHAIR WATCHING AND NOT DOING A FUCKING THING BUT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING DONT MOVE THAT DONT CLEAN THAT OFF DONT DUST THAT DONT GET THAT WET
Sunday, June 23, 2024
He sleeps in garage listens to lindell lunatic all night long
While asleep . While awake.
And hours upon hours all day long morning til night at bedtime
He breathes, drinks, eats, lives for conspiracy theory news
Alex Jones bitchute
Two sisters
both "grown up" now in their 40s
one is ultra masculine ends up with feminine type guys she calls 'needy'
one is ultra feminine ends up with ultra masculine male(s)
both chose govt based careers, attended good colleges and universities, fit the status quo, are loved by their groups they belong to at work, in their circle of friends and associates
rigid routines fixed procedures rules in organizations, military, hospital
doesnt have to think, rules are in the corps books told what to do so standard procedure is easy to follow, to do
Having to wear glasses is one of the MOST frustrating things of all for me
I detest having to wear them, deal with them
have them hanging on a string around my neck
in my way when I am doing things that don't require glasses
having to keep track of them
having to constantly clean them
He likes everything in a kit, a box. Disallows creativity
inhibits freedom of movement
and variations of anything anyone any animal
The wicked man
Makes things harder than they need to be
Keeps things difficult
wont change mind or ways
doesnt go out of way to make anyone happy
wants the best for self only
gives the worst/least best to others
feels entitled to all for the self
complains constantly
rarely appreciates or compliments anyone or anything
treats others the worst and expects best work and behavior out of them
mean m e a n
Public personality different than private
To outside public neighbors he appears calm not rattled rational sensible common ordinary mild mechanical reasonable hard working meek agreeable clean neat organized together
Little do they know of the anxious fearful skeptical paranoid distrustful threatening terrorist actions behaviors hypocritical micromanaging unsure and cocksure hateful egotistical arrogant name calling sneaky opinionated illogical imaginary accusatory restrictive unreasonable goings on at home
I will learn to not eat or prepare food in front of him at home
Every meal is a fiasco involving one or more of the following bad things:
Him finding something wrong with something about the food and making a long focal point ordeal about what is wrong: not cooked the way he thinks it should be, too spicy, not spicy enough, bland, greasy, dry, too hot/cold, wrong temperature, moldy, not cut into size of pieces he likes , strange flavors smell he doesn't like, too much food, trying to tell me how much food I can eat on my plate, says don't make a pig of yourself, don't eat too much,
Expects me to like the same food he likes
Offering me food like cranberry sauce or dessert I don't want with my meal and repeatedly asking me if I want some . I never eat dessert before or during my meal or directly after the meal. I wait awhile usually at least an hour after finishing my food and frequently don't eat dessert at all
Telling me I use too much salad dressing, bbq sauce, mustard, any sauce especially steak sauce
Pounding into my head the fact he doesn't like a particular food like the garlic and green olives I bought
Him playing conspiracy theory videos I don't want to watch
Me left with dishes and pans and countertops and table mess to clean up
Him spying on each bit of food I have gauges what it is if he wants some he takes it or says I want some or can I have a bite
Him coming up behind my chair while I am eating and not facing me and often grabbing food off my plate or bowl or saying that looks good I might have some even though I may not have extra for him
Him reaching over my shoulder grabbing a bag of chips or whatever food it is and eating a few
Him sticking his fingers in my food if I leave the plate on the counter or table while I am busy doing something else and I sometimes catch him doing it
Him commenting that stinks if I have asparagus parmesan Romano blue cheese seafood boiled crab shrimp fish and continues repeating the complaints as long as he smells it
Him unable to pay attention to the meal by feeding cats while we eat putting food away before I am done
Him unable to put all 3 courses of food on his plate before he sits down to eat
Him grabbing food I am cutting up on the board and eating it before the meal is ready to eat
Him eating various snacks especially cookies and or bits of chopped veggies fruit cheese while I am fixing a meal putting his hands on the cutting board grabbing my chef's knife
Him being distracted by his cell phone or something outside or cats or the home phone ringing he immediately jumps up to answer
Him becoming upset if I am experimenting with food recipes and make something he doesn't like then yelling don't waste your time making something unless it tastes good
He can't listen to any subject I am talking about without changing the subject and or talking about something he sees in the vicinity
Him taking over the bbq grill if I am starting or doing it
Him making his own bbq sauce concoction and putting it on food that I tell him I don't want. I don't want bbq sauce on hamburgers of mine or ham.
Worse than add attention deficit disorder. It's control freak I ness
Him saying you should watch this those news videos he knows I don't want to see. Insisting repeatedly badgering. I have already seen plenty of them he forced me to watch
Saturday, June 22, 2024
Not one listened
About cleaning up the area, the self and fastidious hand washing and covering coughing and sneezing
Johnny and John both filthy . One a drug addict alcoholic sex fiend preyed mostly on teen girls.The other obsessive hoarder never cleaned house car work floors nothing. Sex aberration pervert into bdsm sadomasochism. Had alias name Joe Smith.
Screaming yelling fighting with these pigs did no good. They remained dirt bags. One homeless liver and bone cancer before death. The other had houseful crammed. Spent last two years of life bedridden unable to walk. He got blood poisoning in left foot from severe cut unclean and house filthy never cleaned in over 25 years.
Hub 1 Perry dead 2014 age 64. Had no house of own staying with mother sister any one anywhere . Sex fiend. Who knows how many girls and women he laid.
Hub 2. Ed. Constantly fighting with him to pick up after himself would not do it. Rarely showered until stinking bad . Me sick often living with unclean him.
Hub 3. Showers when sweating and stinky and not covering sneezing and handling anything not conscientious of all but getting a little better sometimes. Daily handling filthy grease, junk, trash, all kinds of chemicals. Puts mouth on stuff I would not dream of doing. Grease on doors refrigerator door etc. bathroom disgusting.
Head like an ass hole
Can't enjoy a thing
Makes each experience miserable
Maximizes faults, mistakes
Criticizes everyone everything to death
Rarely thanks genuinely appreciates compliments anyone about anything
Some say what they think someone in public wants to hear
In order to get approval and votes and money
He has always easily tossed me away
Like he doesn't give a shit fuck crap about me
I should have known it started in the beginning and I didn't understand it or believe it
What a pure dee fool I am
He frequently waits till last minute to tell me or anyone
Something important or something trivial
To ask someone over for dinner while he's cooking bbq as if everyone will drop everything they are doing at a minutes notice
Can't make plans on the calendar
Has his own calendar . Impulsive decides what to do daily, expects me to tolerate this unpredictable shit
Even the wedding was a fiasco
The home wedding was supposed to be only my dad who gave me away the best man and my son who recorded it on vcr camcorder and all the sudden his whole family showed up without my knowledge. I was not told, warned, had no way of planning anything.
He calls the neighbor to tell her someone is going to show up to get stuff he sold out of her shed at the last minute
I/We hope to see a smile
I love to see smiles
Some love to see frowns, the upside down smile
happy loves company
misery loves company
No Loss to have an angry person exit my presence / life
I am not concerned anymore about "losing" certain individuals to anyone
as it is truly no loss but a gain to have toxic angry poisonous people away from me
No one is going to want to be with an insidious egotistical selfish fool
It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently." -- Warren Buffett
"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently."
-- Warren Buffett
Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction." -- Aesop
Your Daily Quotation:
"Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction."
-- Aesop
Friday, June 21, 2024
Pressure cooker halal lamb and beef stew
Cooking it outside on the back patio
1043 pm. Half way done
Going to add potatoes after it cooked 12 minutes on low pressure. Cook another 12 minutes
Diced whole yellow onion
2 diced russet potatoes
5 cloves garlic, smashed and minced
1 cup diced raw carrots
1 cup chopped cauliflower
1/2 cup chopped fresh broccoli
Things I have to do living with a husband who expects me to not cook in the house when it's hot outside
WE Fight to maintain our "rightness"
even when confronted with proof of our "wrongness"
we /I will pridefully say I am right, nature and science is wrong , I can defy physics and chemistry
Thursday, June 20, 2024
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
Slept in bad shape til noon
Brown rice I cooked in microwave. 1 chicken bouillon cube. Touch of curry and turmeric
Back to bed now . Feverish . Internal pain kidney ovaries area back pain
Chest congestion coughed right after I ate the rice. Crap mucus came up my throat almost puked
Sore throat chest fever kicked in about an hour ago
Came home from swimming at j Thomas Lovell community center tonight
Just started feeling this crap
Hope it goes away fast
It's hotter than hell outside
Makes no sense to get sick
Monday, June 17, 2024
Yesterday was 7 minutes ago
June 16
Tired All day.
Managed to stay awake from 11 am to 530 pm then napped a little over an hour til 630ish.
An hour ago I filled an entire brown paper grocery bag with expired vitamins, herbs, food and tea bag items that were in my bedroom. I will sneak them out to take to public trash can soon and make sure he doesn't see me do it. I finally learned anything he sees he takes control over and will even concoct stories sometimes of his ownership of the items saying he bought that when I know in fact he didn't.
I've been keeping food in my bedroom for many years due to me never knowing whether or not I can eat in peace at home at the kitchen table like normal people do. Guess why? He blows up frequently, randomly, unpredictably or predictably. I have had to modify my eating to abnormal irregular times and take my food out of the house and into my vehicle van when I leave so I can eat in peace.
The strangest thing is the amnesia he seems to have the majority of the time when I tell him what he has done and said to me and often acts like he never said or did it or he will always minimize, rationalize and make excuses for his words and actions when he admits what he did.
He cannot accurately recount what he said or what I say. His tone of voice changes to nasty and mean often when he talks to me then he denies his nasty sounding voice and says I am talking nasty to him. His tone changes to nice or neutral instantly when he speaks to someone else. He says he told me things he never told me and accuses me of not listening to him when he is the one not listening to me. He can't answer a simple yes or no question.
I am wondering what he says and does when I am not with him and how many personalities he has. Maybe he says and does stuff he can't remember?
I can't prove most of what he has done as I don't have recordings of it all. I only have a few audio recordings. Those are nothing compared to the unrecorded things he has done.
My muscles are getting weaker due to the fatigue and the inability to freely do any tasks at home when I see it needs to be done . Fatigue I am figuring is likely caused by bleeding ulcers, the half black stool poop came out again today like almost every day which is old blood from the upper GI tract, then later in the evening pencil thin poop. Exhaustion from that and the chronic eggshells I have been walking on for many years living with him. I can never get enough sleep and when I do I am still tired.
If I could do house work every day like I used to do (with no one in my way questioning everything thing I do and frequently stopping me from doing common chores like vacuuming mopping or the like and no one taking over my chores like sweeping the house or outside areas) I would get a lot more exercise and be in better shape. As it is I am flabby but not fat overweight. Serious toning is needed.
This person is a control freak. And some times acts like if he does what I can do for myself is helping me but it's not and I tell him often to quit taking over what I want to do it's hurting me not helping one bit. He can't follow a simple request such as not turning the light on when he asks me if I want it on and I say no. He turns it on anyway. Every single time. He won't unlock or open the car door for me when we go somewhere like standard normal males or females do yet will offer to unlock the passenger side truck door when I tell him I don't need it unlocked that I will climb over the driver's seat.
Another crazy thing is he does things without telling me, with out asking or warning me, when I am asleep or gone or not in the room then says I don't do anything around here, am lazy, don't want to do anything, have never worked, never help him out, can't do anything and don't do anything the right way which is his way.
He says I don't know anything then expects me to know everything. When I tell him something I know he says "you think you know it all don't you."
It is the most confusing situation where nothing makes sense dealing with him and I feel hopeless a lot of the time because he seems to lack critical reasoning skills. He continually imagines and fabricates reasons for why he thinks anything happens.
He makes up shit as he goes along. Constantly thinking somebody is always up to something no good.
Sunday, June 16, 2024
Little Miss stupid idiot worthless know it all fool
Don't worry
Sarah , mom, she will do it
The shit jobs I don't want to do
That pay nothing or hardly anything
She can do all the crap duties I am too good to do because I consider her the equivalent of a piece of trash
While these a hole clowns are chasing money and buying things I am ...
Constantly researching and learning about health
Food, water, psychology/mental health, physical, biological health
Remembering history of self and others i have known, currently know and new people I meet daily
Ailments
Severe levoscoliosis
Ankylosing spondylitis
Ulcers
Gastritis
Duodenitis
Rectal bleeding, dark red, black, bright red
Ibs irritable bowel syndrome
Cataracts
Presbyopia
Astigmatism
Sleep disorder
Suicidal thoughts tendencies behaviors
Manic depression, depressive episodes
Low blood pressure
Scars from cystic acne, 2 caeserean sections
Hay fever, allergic rhinitis
Osteoarthritis severe
Varicose veins both lower legs calves
Vertigo, dizziness
Orthostatic hypotension
Saturday, June 15, 2024
Results of bad diet, wrong food, drink, chemicals, drugs, sleep and exercise imbalance
Results, effects of
Wrong food drink Bad diet
Psychosis
Schizophrenia
Metabolic syndrome
Diabetes
Obesity
Arthritis
Mood disorder
Insanity
Sleep problems
Hypertension
Heart disease
Liver damage, failure
Kidney failure
Blindness
Ankylosing Spondylitis I Have this
https://www.verywellhealth.com/ankylosing-spondylitis-overview-4582014
I worked in HEAT AND FREEZING COLD at several jobs HE WOULD NEVER DO
he would never work in the heat. period. he will work in the cold
i can't take the cold, my hands fingers swell turn dark red purple
he expects me to do stuff/sheeit that he would never do and i am not doing it anymore
he takes off and hides in cool areas when temps are above 80 ish, i hide under 4 layers of clothes and covers in the cold even below 65 degrees
i have worked all day long at the non air conditioned and non heated super flea nasty hot and freezing cold stink hole which i did every weekend for 9 years . a thing he expected me to do and he would never do, he couldn't handle it
i delivered auto parts in non a/c vehicles in the hot humid summers for 2 years, got overheated many times so had to run cold water over my head and neck and spray myself down so i woulnd't die from heat exhaustion.heat stroke
i worked in no a/c during summer heat months may june july august september even into october in apartments, mobile homes and houses remodelling painting cleaning filthy disgusting places
Allow him everything he wants. To be alone.
full control of the entire house, yard, cars,
EXCEPT MY BEDROOM AND BATHROOM
i have one room in this house, the master bedroom and a bathroom inside of it
i will stay completely out of his crap and he can have full run of the living room, kitchen, 2 car garage, the yard, the basement laundry room area, the 2nd middle bedroom and his bedroom and bath upstairs
he is obsessed with news politics trump so i will not say anything against it never voice my opinion as
he does not want to hear a freeking thing i have to say about anything
he can listen to the news full time 24 hours a day 7 days a week since that is what he wants to do. he only cares about outside events, the world politics and what the neighbors are doing and want him to do. he cares zero about me or anything about what i think feel want or need
absolutely NO COOKING in the house while it is hot outside
and he runs the ac in the garage or in his room or in the living room when he wants but NOT the one in my bedroom which is located on the south side of the house, the absoloute WORST place to have an air conditioning unit
He shits on everything about me. Eliminates joy and fun for everyone
got rid of my bike because he insisted on setting seat way too high for me
gets rid of cat toys i get every single time he puts them out of reach of the cat
calls me to harass me if he knows i am anywhere experiencing fun, joy such as fireworks display, visiting anyone, doing any type of thing either by myself or with anyone else . he calls and complains that the vehicle is going to get hit in the parking area and that i shouldnt be drving around wasting my gas and putting miles on it. complains that i drive in the salt which i rarely have to do.
has zero get togethers at home
if we go to a social dinner holiday anywhere he hates every minute of it and says it is a waste of his time
ridicules me for swimming, dancing, once i told him that the aerobics water class instructor told me i could dance up there next to her and he yelled "those people are PAYING for that course, you SHOULDNT be doing that!"
i went to a barbecue july 4 and a halloween party at one neighbor dave the musician way back in 2013 or so and he walked up there to the house demanding i come home and i shouldnt be there i need to quit talking to people some guy might take advantage of me and the same horse shit said
one day i came back from a walk at a neighbors house on meadow lane i had sat outside talking to him and the neighbor across the street and peter had given me a few beers coors so he got violent
Smiling is the most powerful thing I can do and exactly what he doesn't want me to do
he would rather i be angry, crying, feeling bad and worthless
When I stop talking ....
that is IT
the grand finale
end of communication
because i tried all ways i know to
tell you things
and you did not UNDERSTAND
you did not comprehend
Grandma told me to pretend another person didn't exist, now called ghosting
Grandma told me to dump whatever boyfriend I had. To go ice cold as if they were dead. Leave without an explanation. Ignore them completely.
Ignoring a being as if they don't exist has got to be the cruelest treatment of all.
Don't fall for a guy with money": A ludicrous belief I held since I was a teenager
where in the hell did that idea come from?
underlying thoughts i had were always
i will not be with a man who is already rich, has lots of money...i want to be with a poor guy so we can build our life and riches together, if the all permits.. i don't want him or anyone to think i will get with someone just because of the money and things they have
and that is, in fact, true for me... i cannot make myself like or love anyone because of the material things they have
but living my entire life with poor bastards has not been fun
quite possibly the biggest effing mistake i ever made in my life
and i do know that a person who is financially rich is not necessarily the nicest, kindest, smartest or best candidate for anything. Neither is one who is poor in poverty
money doesn't guarantee ethics, maturity or any other good quality
what i ended up with is a long list of those i fell in love with who did not love me. Self centered men / immature boys who abused me mentally, emotionally and physically. They abuse anyone in their path so I can't take it personally.
however, the one who lives in the house with the mate such as i do is usually the one who is treated like shit the most by these types: narcissists, narcs, criminals, psychopaths, sociopaths or any other kind of path.
i learned that people are what they are, they are not what i would like them to be or what anyone thinks they can be, they are not nearly as good as i thought they were and they will remain as they are.
people don't change. not unless they personally see a need for it and make a full effort to change themselves consciously and subconsciously.
I have looked at their good qualities however few they have and overlooked the bad.
I wrongly believed love can make a bastard devil loving. But it won't. Ever.
Thursday, June 13, 2024
MOTIVATION techniques / tactics: Fear and/or Praise
Some use the fear, scare tactic method and think this is the best way to get attention and "motivate" a person or animal to do something they want them to do
FEAR methods (pain)
Abuse
Inflict pain, physically and/or mentally
Starve
Ignore
Neglect
repel with bad stuff
PRAISE methods (pleasure)
compliment
feed
be nice
lure
treat
bait with good stuff
LONE WOLF CAT
LONE WOLF CAT
this is me
priestess
solo
alone
queen of?
combination of many animal qualities
panther black
Wednesday, June 12, 2024
HE
has done nothing for my health, mental or physical
has destroyed by educational advancement
has destroyed by opportunities for career, family, friendships
yells and screams at almost every mealtime
eats his food and snacks while upset, angry, mad, furious, pissed off on a daily basis and expects me to do so
disrupts any funtime, joy, play
in fact does not play at all
has threatened my life many times
has struck me physically by shoving, pushing and knocking me down to the ground, strangled me, slapped me, fist punched my jaw and has NOT left marks, broken any of my bones or left physical evidence on purpose then claims "he didn't hurt me" and was "Just trying to get my attention"
has one set of rules for himself and another for me which also keeps changing at any time so that i never know what in the world is going to piss him off
wants full control of money, keeps all of his secret and separate.
good news is i do have checking account of my own he has no access to
demands i pay bills the utility electric, water and the phone line at home, my cell and my own car parts then wont take money for car insurance or other things when i offer to give him money.
has elec and water and house and property taxes in his name only
pays the google fiber internet in his name only and will not give me the sign in information for the account
mocks me constantly, ridicules, criticizes almost everything about me
attempts to control whatever i am doing at any moment in his presence including walking, talking, eating, cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, lawn or any house work or car wash/cleaning when i am at home
seems to think he is only one who can do anything right
thinks all people do a shitty job and dont care they just want the money and they fuck everything up
does not trust anyone to do anything
suspicious skeptical mean hateful arrogant sarccastic threatening violent
throws temper tantrums at the drop of a hat instantly then claims he was acting normal and has every right to say or do whatever he wants without consequence
calls most people stupid,, ridicules, condemns other people constantly for whatever it is they are
Mercy
many kinds of mercy
feeling sorry
letting it go
letting the dead stay dead
allowing others total freedom to do what they want even if it is self destruction
quit kicking dead horses
do not waste my energy with words or actions of wisdom on those not willing to learn
pearls of wisdom are stomped upon by fools
leave them alone
never go back
He called me a fucking idiot, said i was worthless and feels like hitting me june 11, 2024 around 11 pm . I finished washing all the dishes a few minutes before. Went outside in the backyard and saw the garden hose angled over the patio and laying across the backyard as he always leaves it. I told him it was like that and someone could trip over it, like me, and he flew into a rage. Again.
Tuesday, June 11, 2024
FOOD. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT THE FOOD AND DRINK !!!
1980 old boyfriend mike stone worked at mcdonalds. thought we should all live on macaroni and cheese and hot dogs with nothing else. i said no way and left october 16 1980 day after divorce final . i was working at sambos restaurant lees summit missouri
all through childhood grandma said you are what you eat. she is right. 1000% . thanks again grandma wisdom. she thought she was eating right but made a few fatal mistakes by using margarine, artificial sweeteners
aunt ruth ate and drank what she thought was the best but made a few mistakes; tab diet soda, artificial sweeteners sweet n low. aluminum foil usage wrapped food and drinks cups in
my mother unknowingly ate and drank lots of bad stuff; fake fat cheap shortening hydrogenated oils, lots of sugar in the instant tea daily, cakes, pies, cheapest white bread, hot dogs, macaroni, instant food
lots of people i lived with making wrong food and drink choices, most do not know some did know didn't care continued to consume poison on purpose
Divorce Party is Due
one of the best things i have done is divorce certain people
Picked up certified copy of divorce decree from marriage to Ed at jackson county courthouse in Independence, MO June 11, 2024 Tuesday after 4 pm.
Lament for the Poor Human Race
I cry and I laugh with it all
for the poor, the rich,
the young, the old
the weak, the strong
the hungry, starving, underfed
the obese, overweight, fat, overfed
the lonely, broken, desperate
the smothered with love
the handicapped, disabled, blind, crippled
the ignorant, the stupid, the wise
the understanding empath, the zero empathy narc, sociopath, psychopath
the hated, the most loved
the brainwashed, the free thinker
the crazy insane obsessed zealot of anything who is out of balance
the fool, the anxious
the childless, the family that is too big
the perfectionist, the slob
the incarcerated, the one with too much time on their hands
the victim , the hero
the lucky, the ones who lose it all after having had it all
whoever you are you pay the price for your life in many ways
whatever your lot in life youre going to die just like the rest of us who once lived
Monday, June 10, 2024
Woman said "I never use coupons"
when I was standing in line at the old United Super grocery store at Robandee Center
way back in the late 1990s
I wonder what happened to that woman.. never knew her name or her at all.
I remember she had some expensive single serving size bottles of flavored beer/liquor. She had dyed blonde peroxide short hair. Her skin looked like old leather with a fake tan. She wore shorts, flashy jewelry and cowboy boots. Her face had quite a bit of makeup.
So me, Miss Money conscious thrifty one with a coupon holder, had lots of food items that were on sale. My grocery cart was half full of good stuff to eat like meat, vegetables, fruit, eggs and bread. I stood behind her in line. She turned around, looked at me then at the cashier and said, "I never use coupons!" As if she made the wisest, smartest comment in the world about her decisions on how to spend her money.
Blank screens and paper are favorite things. I can create and fill them up.
and canvas
anything that can be written upon, drawn on, painted, colored, decorated.
I could be alone for several days totally content
I could be alone for several days totally content with my own
activities. I do enjoy good company at times. If no good company is around I
am perfectly content being by myself.
I love to savor each moment, every bite and experience taking my time.
I love to savor each moment, every bite and experience taking my time.
Some people love to rush through life at the speed of light.
Female satisfies self
Female satisfies self
competent
intelligent
beautiful
knows how to delegate gracefully
When all my needs are met I am
When all my needs are met I am
not needy, not greedy.
I am happy. I am never desperate for anyone or anything.
Sunday, June 9, 2024
Qanon addicted follower he is
He is Obsessed with the cult of Trump maga paranoid feeders
Desperately seeking "Susan" needs help for clearing his mind of this brainwashing hypnosis propaganda . It is completely fear based crap filled with power hungry that seek to get your money and give you nothing beneficial or useful in return.
Saturday, June 8, 2024
Content with ignorance. Won't listen to the best from learned people. He is and some are like this.
Won't listen to the best from learned people.
Won't read a variety of books about different subjects
Won't listen to different opinions, thought or look at different ways to do things
Rut minded
Can't digest diversity
Isolates self with one leader or group
Easily falls into cult thinking
SHIT STIRRERS
my mother called them shit stirrers
troublemakers
looking for problems and if they can't find any they create them
to keep the fight going, the battle of bull shit
HUMILITY
Learn humility even faster when
you are
broken, weak, disabled, handicapped, slow, stupid, ugly,
blind, deaf, different, incapable, old
cast out, unwanted, scapegoated
can't keep up with the majority
LESSONS I NEED TO LEARN
LESSONS I NEED TO LEARN
answer only the question
no long explanations
brevity is best. brief answers or statements is most effective
no personal info revealed
listen to others instead of talking
the more i talk the stupider people think i am
please and thank you on all things
do not talk about other people verbally. period.
humility instead of prideful behavior, being a snob, snobbery, turning your nose up as if you are better smarter prettier or anything better than others
others are alot more intelligent/smarter than you realize. never talk down to anyone in a condescending manner.
i am completely and instantly dispensable and replaceable. my replacement is just around the corner
Friday, June 7, 2024
Control freaks. Narcs
They are always trying to read my face
trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling and what I am
going to do then control my thoughts and actions
by telling me
"YOU shouldn't...."
"You SHOULD........"
"Here is what needs to be done... and you OUGHT to be doing this and that."
(NOT what I am working on at the moment, NOT what I have already planned on doing)
do this, do that.. whatever I am doing at the moment is wrong
they believe I should only do things that suits them
as if they are in charge of not only me but anyone around
The parent Dictator. SO I OUGHT TO quit acting that way myself.
NEVER TELL someone else what they ought to do..
QUESTIONS. Badgering me with questions about any and everything, even simple stuff that doesn't need to be asked. This begins most "arguments", battles, fights as they act like they have the right to know all and then dictate what I can and cannot do.
Arthritis spine back pain is horrible. Chronic
It is always there. Never goes away. I take no medicine, medication, drugs for the pain.
Thursday, June 6, 2024
MY MOTHER THE NEXT MISS America ; RUTH LOUISE D,W,F
HER COUSIN WROTE THIS ON THE BACK OF HER PICTURE IN THE 1950S
"The next Miss America"
All she wanted was respect, love, the best for all. Decency.
Her father was an alcoholic. Her mother was a perfectionist and narcissist who also wanted the very best for all of her children and family.
Clean, neat, organized. Took a bath every night. Church going. Faithful. Religious. Believed in god jesus christ. Honest, ethical. Patient. Kind. Thoughtful.
Dressed appropriately. Color coordinated at all times. Hair and makeup and fingernails and toenails done everyday. Shaving legs and even her arms due to lots of hair.
Heritage background German, Scotch-Irish, English, Pennsylvania Dutch.
140 dollars a month in social security due to working minimum wage jobs her whole life.
Hardworking. Maid at motel/hotel, child care at cotton candy daycare, thrift stores, laundrymats, factory work (Torotel was one), temporary work agencies usually manual labor.
Lived in utter poverty in the northeast kc area. The rose in the middle of a landfill toilet of kansas city, missouri.
Favorite things she loved to do: Crosswords, english, writing letters with her beautiful handwriting. Reading. Health, vitamins and herbs. Spelling. Words. Sewing. Cooking and baking some foods quick and instant, some homemade in a way.
Encouraged all of us kids to get along with other, to never fight and squabble.
Intolerant of criminal activities; lying cheating stealing drugs booze sexual activities like whores whoring prostitution.
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
Logic and reasoning is impossible with...
Crazy beings
Cult members
Fanatics, religious, political, any kind of
Brain damaged physically
Obsessed people
Two year old humans
Wolf in sheeps clothing. Covert and overt actions.
will not confront the boss
sneaky does things behind back in background behind the scenes
graffiti on park benches in the woods where no one sees him writing shit on the area
throwing dirt in dogs eyes behind the bushes so the people cant see, the neighbors dogs who bark
hides money and other things i havent found yet.. i did find boxes of porn mags in the garage a few years ago and i found xxx video tapes in boxes in his room which he quickly moved and hid somewhere else after i found them
locks up stuff in file cabinet and one of those fire proof boxes and i have no idea what is in it
sabotage my efforts if knows my plans or situation
shoots a deer across street because they get into this garden
shot cats in the old chevy van at night many years ago due to him thinking too many cats in neighborhood
scared to death neighbors going to see me or him doing anything unless its yard work
the what will the neighbors think or what will anyone in public think constantly
Frady cat, chicken scared..it is not being shy
it is being chicken shit to not help when others are in danger
Tuesday, June 4, 2024
He doesn't like nice restaurants. Does not want to tip. Loves fast food; no tipping is there.
He can't go to a fancy nice upscale restaurant. Doesn't want to leave a tip
often says people don't deserve things and money. will say they don't really work
has never worked at a restaurant which is one of the hardest jobs of all in the world
Stuff he said and did regarding my body shape appearance
stuff he said and did
you can only image what is going through his mind when he sees that (your body/ass/skin/figure) he would be thinking oh wow i'd like to have sex with that..just look at his wife she is a fat cow
the neighbors chris ken any male anywhere i am.
i dont want you to wear those shorts i dont want any man seeing your shape
that makes you look like you have more boobs, talking about a lower cut shirt/blouse when i wear a pushup bra/brasierre
dont squat in the store or anywhere ..even when i am fully clothed in pants leggings jeans..because who knows who might see you and what they are thinking
dont do yoga in front of anyone men or women
if a woman saw you naked she would probably love to have sex with you and if you see a naked female it would turn you on and you would want her body ..i told him many times this a a total lie because i am not sexually attracted to females in any fashion way shape or form even though i truly admire the beauty of the female form
i am beginning to believe he has zero/no resistance to any attractive looking female girl woman in any place he is. if any one of them even looked at him and smiled he would probably take advantage of the situation thinking she wanted sex with him.
Overheard women talk while standing in line at pantry
"all i have to do is bend over and he will do anything i want" she said to her girlfriend
Overheard men talk while standing in line at a food pantry
"i just couldn't help it. i gave her all my money" he said
while at a strip club bar watching the nude dancer
how much money do you want?
how much (money) do you want? he asked me...
one person said for babysitting, child care
another for merchandise i brought in to sell...cds, cases, records, dvds, books, etcetera
how do you deal with difficult ass holes?
advice from friends
"ignore him or her", he said
"you dont " she said
the fact is when you are living with someone you can't IGNORE them because they live there, are always in the way. they can easily disrupt your life, your areas, throw monkey wrench into anything you are doing or plan to do
Monday, June 3, 2024
Perfect woman
to some, the perfect woman has no mind or will of her own. she blends in and does everything exactly as the other person wants. she looks, acts, does, smells and all things about her are the perfect little doll. the one without a brain of her own.
I Don't Play Games. I am direct, straight forward
I know what I want when I see it and sometimes BEFORE I see it
I know what I like regarding music instantaneously
food is the same way
furniture, cars, vehicles, houses, tasks, hobbies, people, animals, plants
books, movies
It is good I didn't get to say goodbye
I didn't know it was the last time I would see them..... before they died
My brother Darryl, john, Jerry
My sister Carol
My aunt Ruth, aunt Jeanne
My father
My mother
My grandmother Olga, Sarah
Many friends and family and acquaintances, co workers
He is mad at the world, ought to be pissed at himself. Full of shame and blame.
micro little man feeling weak , the victim and helpless, hopeless
OUGHT to be pissed at himself first and foremost
wants to be superman and save the world but cant save anyone including himself
lives in shame
ought to be 100% ashamed of himself for his unacceptable and descpicable behavior
instead he blames everyone else
never meditating or looking within or at himself
observing others and the outside world constantly
a good example of what we all ought to do: look at myself, search inside and observe the self first ...you cant take the splinter out of your neighbor's eye when you have a log in your own eye
I quit moving hips when walking as a teen. Shyness beaten in me
Thought i should keep them straight
Worst mistake
I should rock and roll my hips
Be proud of my fatt butt
Saturday, June 1, 2024
Comments by guys men males
that's sexy.. pink, red, purple toenails fingernails
sexy shoes. High heels, slits on sandals
cute outfits ... aprons, halter tops, midi shirts showing midriff stomach section, push up bras tops shows some cleavage, tight shorts, pants, slants, well fitted clothing, tailored shirts jackets , matching tops and bottoms, dresses that fit well, long sleeve , lace, slight see thru , lingerie any type, bikinis..swimsuits, short shorts, anything showing curves ass or boobs or the curve of the waist emphasizing how small the waist is ,
dancing dance is sexy
hair styles up high fluffy on top, pigtails, pony tails, long locks, clean shiny hair
made up eyes. Mascara, lashes, eye liner
lips.. colored lipstick red mauve pink , clear gloss shiny mouth
i dream of jeannie,,, i could take a hundred of her
The bigger the better, more than a mouthful is a waste, in regards to boobs when they talk to a girl. They modify it according to the size of boobs she has
Hose hosiery pantyhose stockings garter belts
You have NO business" said by these people for years
work partner john for 9 years this went on
marriage for 32 plus years
He needs a mannequin, robot, android, barbi, jeannie, stepford "wife"
an object without a soul, a personality, individuality.. a being who cannot express herself because she has no idea who she is or what she wants. it has to be all about him, everything he wants.
EFFICIENT EFFICIENCY Clean Neat Organized : The main thing
This is the primary argument discussed in my relationships be it marriage, partnership, business.
Characters he is
Archie Bunker in all in the family
George McFly the first version, the guy in back to the future
Sad sack
Wimpey
Scrooge
The grim reaper his favorite
Black sabbath paranoid
Trump twin
Curmudgeon
Demon possessed girl in the exorcist
Mr nice guy next door
Dr Jekyll
Mr Hyde
I am sure there are more faces i don't know about, ones I am not aware of
Friday, May 31, 2024
Words confuse him. Seen with eyes is more convincing
However he is often confused at what he sees.
Language words is even more confusing to him.
The land before time and bambi movies
My youngest son when a child cried seeing the land before time
I cried when i was a little girl age 5 or 6 when i saw Bambi
Woke up from a dream. The perfect place to be
It was about a half hour ago when i woke up 850 pm may 31, 2024 friday night....dreaming.
Lived in an apartment. I can picture it.
Door to outside. Close to community and community centers. Swimming. Walking. Shoppi g.
Oldest son visited. Youngest son talking to me during visit telling me when he can come over that fits his schedule. Sundays before 430 am. Damon can come too. He says the place is perfect for me. I do, too.
Its dimly lit. Dark. I try on lots of different clothes. I can see out the windows.
The kitchen has an open large area looks like a restaurant lounge bar with guest tables all at that end. Its public. People are out there. Music is playing. I begin dancing by some woman. I realize i must make up my face and wear
Looks are #1. Especially for females
She doesn't have to say a word..in fact if she doesn't say anything that is even better
He will be all over her like flies on honey
Dizzy head spinning before I even got out of bed this morning...
what is up with that?
first time I have had that happen.. must have been something I ate last night.. don't know for sure
dying inside
the dream right after i moved in here...occurred to me again now
the dream right after i moved in here...occurred to me again now
the wolf in the background vicious yelling and growling, large teeth.. I remained calm as the animal roared at me...i am in a truck, a flatbed trailer pulled up on side of road
my subconscious or whatever it is telling me the truth, the reality of what is and what has been going on for many years after i moved in here...
Opposite of me in many ways. He is.
he hates himself. literally. and doesn't realize it is himself he hates when he is chronically angry and
yells about his disgust for humanity.
i just told him maybe he ought to live alone since he hates everybody and himself as well
he made a comment "i am tired of giving them things. all they do is come over here begging for more .." referring to the 6 year old little boy across the street.
Thursday, May 30, 2024
I guess I should be embarrassed ashamed of myself
Because of the way I look with my twisted hunchback . Crooked face and mouth.
And because of how I act. Horrible. Expose truths no one needs to hear. Talking way too much saying things that don't need said nobody wants to hear embarrassing people and myself, showing how stupid I am and admitting stupidity and ignorance and being egotistical about most things.
Pathetic
I need to cover myself, my body
Hide my hideous appearance
Crawl away and stay in a cave
Nobody wants to look at me. Nobody wants to hear me. It's obvious why I am not wanted around.
has 2 vehicles of his own, a car and a pickup truck. runs around anywhere anytime he wants. no restrictions.
obsessed with politics, money, material things.
chases money. thinks/believes it is the answer to all things for "happiness"
tries to get the most money of of anything
spends lots of time working on junk trash old shit that ought to be thrown out in the garbage
becomes violent at thought of losing money or any material thing possession
uses earphones and headphones most of the day
likes huge big screen tvs displays and big pieces of electronics high end stereo equipment speakers amps dvd cassette vhs reel to reel players radios
food eats and drinks any thing item because of the taste most of the time disregarding information about health benefits or deficits
goes out of his way to serve please himself first and immediately often without regard for others in the house ; eg; blasting music or tv
not instrospective, does not look at self,
meditation is not done because can't stand silence
impulsive
seeks immediate gratification in most everything
expects immediate response from me or anyone about anything
cant resist what is seen if it looks appealing
cash is preferred method for most things
accounting is detested
says i dont need to account write it down i know what i do with my money
thinks he can say and do anything without consequence and expects me to not remember, to forget any traumatic abuse he has done as if it never happened claiming i am too sensitive and i didnt hurt you i was just trying to get your attention and i care about you and i want you to be happy
destroying my confidence, my will, myself anything about me is the name of the game aim for him
maybe he is still searching for the perfect girl/female/woman like a stepford wife or other type of robot automaton thing that is void of self and her own identity ...like pollyanna, polly he mentioned years ago that worked at a massage parlor and he didnt want her to leave so he wouldn't help her move to texas..interesting because he has told me to leave hundreds of times over the years, told me to go live with someone else, told me to take off with nothing except my van
Buyers not sellers
these guys love to buy and not sell on sites and seems like ebay is on of their favorite places to get stuff
the hub
john l
I've had my share of dealing with uncooth filthy pigs
This one male sticks his fingers in almost anything. He buys used items at thrift stores or anywhere and doesn't think the clothes need to be washed. He puts fruits and vegetables in the fridge, forgets to wash off the apples oranges or anything and eats them just as they are.
He won't wash new clothing or other items. He says the clothes "smell good" at the thrift stores and claims they wash all these things before they put theme out for sale.
The last husband of ten years 1981-1991 dug his toenails, picked his nose, pet the dog and cat and any other animal around, handles tools, car parts, any type of device..did not wash his hands and ate his food with his dirty hands.
The first husband, Perry I was with from 1977-1980 would go for several days without taking a bath or shower. He worked on filthy greasy cars, trucks, automobiles frequently. His fingernails were caked with black grease. His toenails had green and yellow fungus in them and the nails were yellowed and hard. His feet stunk to high heaven. His teeth were covered with green slime as she refused to brush them.
I worked with john layson for 9 years. The man never washed his hands that I saw/observed and he walked around eating food while working throughout the day. He would pull a snack candy bar, cake or cookie or pie or any other type of food out of the wrapper, handle it with his filthy hands and eat it. He got sticky greasy stuff on merchandise and thougtlessly touched anything around him spreading god knows what anywhere and everywhere. He bought clothes and anything at thrift stores never washed them. He never cleaned his house, kitchen, bathroom, floors. He never vacuumed. Didn't use disinfectant. Rarely bathed/showered his own body.
Every one of these people encouraged me, tried to get me to do things against the law..otherwise known as lying, cheating, stealing, taking advantage of others, hurting people
He sticks his fingers in any food he sees. Just stuck his finger in my jello and fruit dessert tonight when I turned my back.
Then he yelled at me and said I don't know what is wrong with you! I don't know why you get so upset. I just wanted to see what that was!
I said. Fine. I dont need to eat it.
Then he got a teaspoon and scraped off the area of whipped cream he stuck his finger in and I left the room.
When I came back he asked Are you going to eat your jello? as he fixed himself some ice cream.
Strong body and weak mind is one combination. The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
https://www.minimalismmadesimple.com/home/weak-minded-person/
The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
The Top Ten Signs of a Weak Minded Person
Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Fools like me believe people are good inside
And that they can learn and change for the best
And they won't unless they see themselves, see the need and want to do it
Why I married idiots lived with fools
My ignorance, low self esteem and loving ness
My upbringing childhood experiences formulated this negative way of thinking I wasn't good enough and can probably never be
Bleeding ulcers
Black poop
Half black poop
Crimson blood in poop and stool toilet water
Bright red blood enough to fill several wads of toilet paper
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
Don't look back
Or you will turn into a pillar of salt
Once gone. Won't return
After I learned the lesson
Monday, May 27, 2024
I would go off by myself..
If I had to go to a shelter of any kind
It's what I do pretty much anywhere I am or go . The alone loner.
I don't do bundle groups like the 4 teenage girls clan I saw at price chopper tonight . All dressed in PJs and house slippers. Clanny cliques tend to think alike each other looking for verification of themselves. I don't.
They still looked better than the single black female I saw dressed like a cross between a hooker and an Eskimo . At least they were dressed instead of nude naked in birthday suits. It wouldn't shock me to see naked these days. If they are healthy looking it wouldn't be so bad. If they are not it might be sickening to see.
Husband was up at 6 am after windstorm last night
I was woken up at the crack of 645 am heard loud men's voices in the front yard
He was out there yelling with the neighbor mark while he was picking up tree mess branches sticks twigs.
Ran the generator and powered the fridge and deep freezer intermittent through the day.
I went back to sleep till almost noon
We have lights via a car battery and fixtures he rigged up years ago and flashlights
He napped about an hour until 4 pm. I left here after he got up.
Today's ventures . Walking dead woman, me
Dumped trash old food ..lots of pastries cherry turnovers and others and fruit and veg scraps
Went to Best buy Metcalf then best quivera Rd got portable charger for 4 phones or other accessories
Sam's club quivira by Best buy closed at 6 pm on Sunday
Could not get gas at Sam's for 2,98 gallon. it was about 10 minutes after 7 pm so I went to QT across the street 95th st and Monrovia used points earned at price chopper for cents off gasoline pd 3.02 gallon .
Cleaned bird poop off windows and doors of my van with QuikTrip squeegee
To 95th st west turned right at pflumm stopped at gas station to see if Tom s was working. He is off on weekends said the attendant. Christmas day is only day the station is closed
Wanted to ask Tom if he had any ideas why I have such fatigue
Price chopper 95th and mission Rd. Bananas, celery hearts, microwave popcorn, chips were 2 dollars so got 4 or 5 bags
Back home. Had plain peanut butter sandwich on weird bread, potato chips alot of them and 2 bananas . Yum.
Fell at qt getting gas today
Scraped left knee, tops of both ankles on the front, left elbow , left hand palm by wrist. Another bloody scrape have to wait to heal
The fatigue is getting worse and clumsiness increasing
Falls dropping things. Sometimes they break
Spilling stuff misjudging due to tiredness and today I got up around a quarter til noon sleeping late later today than usual
And slowing down more
I've almost made it through the day again
Several times feeling like I am about to die
Sunday, May 26, 2024
He's like a child
Impatient impulsive demanding
Rude pushy
Sees only his way
Must be right all the time
Insulting
Mouthy...no filter on mouth
Friday, May 24, 2024
Stingy with compliments, stingy with money
heavy with criticism, sarcasm, mockery, hate, humiliation, blaming, shaming, mean,
Cheapskate miser skinflint piker money grubber
https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/words-meaning-miser
Nothing fancy or expensive for me
No beauty salon
No manicure, pedicure, facial, waxing, strange eyebrow threading
No hair color, no braiding
No massage
No jewelry
I Don't Expect Anyone to Fix My Problems and Save My Life
I've talked to lots of people about my issues and not one of them has done a damned thing to help me and I don't expect them to do anything. It's bad enough that they were brave enough to listen.
The worthless solutions they come up with mean that they mean well but have no clue what they are talking about with these wonderful up in the air dreamy ideas about how easy it would be to do the things I "should" do in order to have a nice happy life.
Thursday, May 23, 2024
Immediate gratification people
John layson wanted immediate gratification.
He is just one of some people i know who expect instant results and satisfaction.
Fast food, sex, porn is perfect, material things.
Responses from others. Answers. Driving. Money. Cash preferred. Cant wait.
Quick fix. Sugar. Pills. Ointments for pain.
Tv. Videos. Movies. Music. Internet.
Lived in the media majority of time.
Few friends associates
Never married. No children.
He thought cleaning was a waste of time and money.
Wouldnt take a shower or brush his teeth very often.
Used earphones in his ears, over the ear headphones
Constantly listening to music watching videos
Hoarder hoarding disorder
Paranoia bipolar diagnosed with
Freaked out if anything was moved, cleaned, reorganized by anyone but him
Ate all day long. Candy snacks desserts breads rye wheat
Ate food any kind while working
Sugar addict. Any sweetened artificial or natural. Flavored artificial candy coffee tea soda
Had to drink diet soda with each meal
Expensive beers brew
Political science major in college st louis missouri
Argumentative
Demanding
He pointed out things he had during conversation. When paul anderson visited from south dakota john would steer the conversation to some item he had and showed me instead of being attentive to paul talking
Can you trust a person who
Strangles
Pushes
Shoves
Kicks
Threatens
Yells at inappropriate things and times
Do you ever think about what you will do if I die
He asked me about an hour ago. First time ever....
One of the stupidest dumb questions of all
Didn't need to be answered. One of those questions that is automatically understood by most people.
OF course I think about it. I've been thinking about it for many years. Countless years. Why do you think I concentrate on easy maintenance
Meet The Family in 1991
John . First thing he said to me "DO you think people use each other?"
Dorothy: "YOU DON"T EXIST!"
Mother Marjorie stayed in her bedroom all day ( like i do most of the time now ) if i was here reading her jehovahs witness bible then come storming out of the master bedroom yelling at me with accusations yelled at mike and me said youre a couple of ass holes! You need to live your life right, .. showing jw literature and the bible calling me jezebel , going to her jw meetings twice a week tuesdays and thursdays she was all dressed up
Karen . Hateful and jealous. I was nice. She was mean.
Mike Michael did nothing in my defense when i was verbally assaulted by each one of these people his family members
Wednesday, May 22, 2024
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Know what animal you are dealing with first
The nature and personality are often consistent with most however there are some that are like chameleons and are very difficult to deal with
Finally met the lovely lady across the street yesterday evening. They moved in back in fall of 2019 I think
Seems like it was September of 2019 when they moved in
Her and husband and two boys/sons.
Sunday, May 19, 2024
Saturday, May 18, 2024
Male actions of partners in my life
Perry. Marriage 1. In grandview church. No real wedding or ring. Poverty life. Welfare. Food stamps. Starving. Utilities were unpaid turned off. First place lived in his mothers old house 10203 newton kcmo. Real dump.
Episode at target March 25weeks ago
March 25 2024
Walking around Target alone. Ward parkway shopping center mall.
Two people started talking to me. "We heard you were going to pay for my groceries."
They had a full size grocery cart more than half full of food and other items.
A man and a woman a couple I am guessing in their 20s possibly 30s. Black male and female.
Playing a joke on me.
I must look gullible naive kind
Got rid of more stuff today. Up at 9 am . Early for me
Up 9 am. Had yogurt, mango and banana, mixed nuts and popcorn before I went to bed last night. Is that why I woke up earlier than usual and had to go to the bathroom?
He left around 10 am to Adrian, Missouri.
First I dug thru old paperwork making 3 bags of trash to go. Two bunches of roses I had received from Evangel Church drive thru food pantry the Wed before Mothers Day on May 12 also bagged up to go in trash. More trash I made to go: Old dried up cinnamon rolls, 6 bottles of premade drinks that contain sucralose and other artificial sweeteners and ingredients, yesterday's organic garbage including egg shells, banana peels and other fruit and vegetable scraps.
Gathered up a box of old books, a plastic bin container of miscellaneous items and a big box of empty cd jewel cases.
It was about 340 pm when I finally left the house.
First stop, the trash bin at a gas station off Red Bridge Rd close to 71 hwy.
Second stop, gotwhatulikerecords off Hickman Mills Dr in Kansas City, MO. Sold Mark the box of empty cd cases, He said he didn't really need them. I sold them cheap for an undisclosed amount.
Third stop, a trash can at a gas station by 87th and Blue Ridge in KCMO.
Fourth stop, a trash can at a gas station by Gregory off Blue Ridge.
Fifth stop, the new book store "trailhead books" in Raytown, MO. Brought in the books. She gave me store credit for some of the books and a power strip I didn't need which she was happy to get. She gave me a cup of the coffee she was throwing out at the end of the day and said no one wanted any coffee that day. Some company called "Attack coffee" I think she said it was.
The rest of the books and miscellaneous stuff (tshirt transfer stuff, cans of spray air freshener, plastic containers of wipes I don't use and an old stencil design set) the book store owner didn't want I gave to a woman in the parking lot who was cleaning out her car and was very happy to get the stuff. The universe timed it right, I suppose.
Next I went to the Motor Vehicle and Drivers license office, 6138 Raytown Trafficway. I thought I had time to go in and get my license renewal due by July 7, 2024. Found out their hours and MON-FRI 9 to 5 pm. It was about 8 minutes past 5 so I missed it. I swore they used to stay open until 7 pm. Have to wait until next week, maybe Monday, who knows when I will get that done.
Then, still no food in my body since last night, I drove to the Goodwill thrift store in Lee's Summit, Missouri and donated a couple of boxes of stuff including the old blue plastic bin with no lid. They gave me a 15% off coupon and a tax receipt. Wow.
Hungry. I stopped at Hardee's restaurant off 3rd street not far from Goodwill. Downloaded the app on my phone. Went in and asked about a value menu. Decided I didn't want that so I went to HyVee across the street and found some food to eat in there. It was around 7:40 pm when I was done.
I had flexibly planned to go to J. Thomas Lovell Community Center to swim and exercise but decided it was now too late to go and be able to spend much time in the hot tub/spa, pool and use the exercise equipment. They close the aquatics area at 9:30 pm.
Decided to head back home. Stopped and used the restroom at Longview Community Center. Stopped at a park off James A Reed Rd between Bannister and 87th street and walked around its cement circle trail, went down a couple of slides, swung a little on a swing, pushed the globe which was hard to turn around in circles and got on the spinner thing.
Got home after 9 pm. Husband tells me about his trip today visiting our friend Kirk. He says the guy is a mess. Nothing makes sense. Everything is haphazard and scattered around. So I asked him to do one thing before I put his dinner plate in the kitchen sink: "Look around here. Pick one spot and tell me if it looks haphazard, a mess and things tossed everywhere."
He then gets up, walks and looks around for less than a minute and says "Why are you wasting my time talking about this?" And puts his headphones back on so he can sit there listening to the true stories, the truth news because that is the most important thing to do at the time.
I said, "You think it is a waste of time to talk about this mess we live in."
He said "I don't talk about it. I do it" as he sat in the chair not looking at or doing anything about the stuff in the room which is 17' x 28' living room and kitchen combo.
Piles of papers and food and lots of stuff on the dusty table between the two recliner chairs, lots of very dusty things on his custom made table for his laptop computer, several food coolers in the living room, many items on the living room floor, stuff crammed behind the recliners, outdoor patio furniture cushions up against the wall and in the middle of the floor, a paper grocery sack half full of receipts he throws in there after he buys something which sits there for years, a cardboard storage box full of his shoes, a plastic electric foot massager on the floor a couple of feet in front of his recliner, a stack of plastic bins and boxes by the inversion table...just a bunch of junk sitting around in the way collecting dust. All of this shit in the way makes it difficult to run the vacuum.
This is an example of an entire day which some might say was wasted. Hours and hours of dealing with stuff I don't need or want and trash to get rid of.
It is an ongoing process that has been going on for years and eons. It feels like centuries.
My eyes bother me. Small things, such as this screen I am looking at, are hard to see. Focus is more difficult. I have to lean forward pretty close to the screen to be able to read it. Most things are difficult that used to be relatively easy.
My back is in tremendous pain constantly. I had some energy today, thank God but have been going through mysterious bouts of tiredness, just plain fatigue feeling worn out, drained like it is hard to do much of anything. Getting this house cleaned out seems like it is taking forever. However, I am making some progress one bag and one truck load at a time.
I feel frustrated when I know the result I want and it should happen about as fast as I think it. Foolish thoughts.
So tomorrow I will work on another batch of trash to throw out. Probably more paperwork. Maybe get more books or something to go. Maybe get him to find more stereo equipment he will finally agree to let go of that sits out in the garage in racks taking up space. As of the day before yesterday I have 3 pieces of heavy electronics listed for sale pretty cheap on the internet. Did have them on ebay and reverb.com with no response. Put them on facebook and craigslist only to have scammer message me on both sites. Can't put my phone number in the listing even when the numbers are spelled out in words because the scam artists can figure out the phone number.
I have suggested having a garage sale in various forms to him and that does no good. I suggested having some guys or companies or estate or auction people just come and look at the whole mess of stuff and make offers. That does no good. He won't hear of it.
It is too time consuming, takes way too much work to list stuff on the internet that is basically crap hardly anyone would want even if it was free. If a large piece of electronics sells on ebay it takes lots of special care for him to package it up then ship it. Then I have to basically wait 6 months and hope and pray the person doesn't file a fraudulent claim to get all their money back including the shipping price and steal the item as well. Ebay and paypal have a 180 day guarantee return policy for buyers even if the seller doesn't offer returns.
My desire is to live in a house that is easy to clean, maintain, live and get around in. I want the hallways clear of any items (crap, I call it) including his cases of drinks, rolls of carpet, plastic containers of automobile products, boxes, etcetera.
I would love to have clean, neat and organized closets and shelves. Nice looking clean and lean tables, furniture, appliances, floors, bedding, walls, ceilings, patio area, sheds. All of it to look and feel professional.
Tired of the pack rat syndrome. Too much stuff encourages rats, mice, animals, snakes, insects, bugs, mold, rot and ruin.
Friday, May 17, 2024
Thursday, May 16, 2024
Everyone wants to look good
Some people also admire, appreciate and want others to look good
Some shit all over others thinking it makes themselves look better
Sick crying shame
Attractive female not listened to as if she had no brains no intelligence no individuality . She is judged by and treated by the way she looks. Period.
She is used for sex, appearances, house hold duties and chores, child birth, child care raising rearing. Just ask me and my sisters
My sister's ex husband never took her out to dinner for 18 years. She was a sex and house slave . Mother of his four children. She did it all. She loved. He used her up. He beat her up. He slapped her.
Fortunately her second husband was a good man who adored her and treated her right.
Teachers from grade and junior and high school and vocational technical schools
Loved art , English, science, physical science, Spanish, theater, mixed chorus music classes
Pete Erickson art
Mr Robertson art
Mrs friel English
Mrs Caban English
Mrs Audrey Ashburn physical science
Mr shiblom computer programming
I look at my teachers in a different way
Now that I am 62
I used to have a status fear type reference and admiration for my teachers when I was young. Viewed them as untouchable icons and authority figures instead of the plain old human beings they are
Toxic person he is. Never satisfied. Always complaining. No fixing him.
He does not want any help. He does not want to be happy.
It is not my responsiblity to fix him. I cannot make him happy. No one can.
He works on anything else except himself. Blames the world and anyone or anything around for his misery.
He is an insecure, scared, frightened, shaking coward.
May 14, 2024 at 1:30 pm he put both his hands around my throat as if choking me.
And it hurt. Didn't leave marks. I could feel the residual effect on my skin.
He was getting ready to barbecue 4 hamburgers I thawed out in the microwave. He looked in the utensil drawer in the kitchen and said "what happened to all the stuff in there?"
From there his anger escalated to the point of physically assaulting me... again.
He's a drowning victim
Grabbing neck of anyone and pulling them down to kill them along with himself
Tuesday, May 14, 2024
The lady at the bookstore thinks I am funny
She laughed at lots of things I told her the other day.
She is the owner.
And I am not trying to be funny. I am serious as all get out with truth and reality.
He gets pissed because I tell stories to people wherever we are.
It's just one of the countless things that pisses him off... about me .
Brevity. Synopsis. Short. Stories
Why are some stories and books and movies so long when they can tell you what happened in one or two sentences?
Monday, May 13, 2024
Love is doled out sparingly
Sparsely and rare are the signs of any appreciation care
It's like one kiss every six months
Walks away from me each time we are talking
Does not look at my face
Hugs maybe 2 or 3 times a year
No sleeping together
Some people get some things the first time
Some don't get anything the first time
I'm a slow learner when it comes to most things
Sunday, May 12, 2024
After all this time living..
Have decided that I don't believe in the afterlife.
There is one life for each lifeform
If I never had kids mother's day would not mean anything
Regarding them
It would only mean something to me regarding my own mother who was born May 14, 1939 and passed away unexpectedly and suddenly on December 14, 2003
Saturday, May 11, 2024
Collage for clayton. Gift memoir i would like to make
Picture. Windchime. Mobile to hang up from ceiling
Lucky 4 leaf clover
Shiny silver quarter nickels dimes pennies dollar
Green . Bills. Money
Train moving.
Bullets. Ammo.
Safety pin.
Gold silver diamond glass $ & dollar sign and music symbol overlapped
Keyboard music player like the one grandpa maury Maurice his namesake got him for xmas or bday when he was 9. We lived in the "Ruskin Dumper" house i called it 7203 e 108th st kcmo
Hacky sack
Basketball
Friday, May 10, 2024
People sense something is wrong with me and therefore avoid me
Current situation: no friends . Excluded. Uninvited. Not welcome. Shunned. Left out.
All jobs I've had: no friends
High school: outcast, avoided
Grade and junior high now called middle school: left out, not invited, not included, never picked for games partners
Now I must have known about this definitely by the age of 10 or 11 when suicide started in my mind. I knew something was wrong with me and I shouldn't live or procreate.
No one wanted me to succeed at anything. I had desire, curiosity , willing to learn and work. All blocked, sabotaged. Keep me down. Keep me out of the loop, the group, the information, the news
Make it hard for me to eat. Accuse me of shit I didn't do. Accuse me of not doing my job and duties.
A real strange weirdo.
People hurry me up and out the door to get rid of me fast .
The males attracted to me were weird , married, taken, goofy, oddball, gawky, the unwanted.
Guys know their number on the scale of 1 to 10 and seek companionship with similar numbered females and secretly desire the number 10 females but think they can't have them so settle for what they think they can get.
Thursday, May 9, 2024
Wednesday, May 8, 2024
Nothing is ever his fault
So it's my fault
I'm to blame for all bad
I'm the one convenient and around
I Put all my eggs in one basket: He broke them all
broke
smashed
kicked whipped crushed ground up
killed
boiled
shattered
frozen
destroyed
Rosie Day in court
she was totally silent
looked like a wooden doll
completely quiet and shut up ordered not to say anything or look at anyone
in 2010 court in dallas texas
her husband john lee stillwell had made her that way
she used to be open smiling carefree friendly with all..loved to walk through the malls and shop ..window or otherwise ..
her family is nice pleasant easy going and she is, too
before he killed her spirit
made her agree to his lies, his false accusations against me and his brother mike
because he was after all the money and
john ended up turning against his own siblings except the youngest karen who is /was also insane
Tuesday, May 7, 2024
I support others. They cut me down
Each partner or husband has been a block.
The husband has no emotional support no mental support and no beliefs that I can do anything. I have no value.
I encourage them the partners and husband and many other people I know or who are strangers. I give honest compliments.
I have no regular steady friends. I am not in any group or class. I don't attend any school. I have no ambition no great goals no hopes and dreams.
No activity can replace my broken heart
Daily crying each and every day for a year
Haven't seen my grandson for a year as of may 14 2023 last mother's day
All the places we use to go, I see them every time I go out
Frequently I cry while I am driving as I go by or to the places . Frequently I cry wherever I am.
Fortunately I am home now while I cry. It's less dangerous to cry alone and to be in bed especially at night when no one is around or awake to see me
I think of the KC zoo I never got to take him to. Last year in April his birthday month I went alone. I go to parks alone where we used to go. I went to c Lee kenagy park in April 2023 and again in March and April 2024. Took pictures of the flowers that always bloom right before his birthday. We used to go to that park often.
The last time I saw him I told him I imagined he was a little bird in my hand and I gently blew on him as he flew away as he grows up and away from me.
I told him to always remember that even though he can't see me I am always there and will be there for the rest of his life. He will never forget me nor will I forget him. I said I know I didn't say it often but I love you very much.
Nothing I do can stop my feelings and my memories. No one can help me.
Now I hear the owls outside by my house and I remember making the owl hoot sound for Damon starting when he was a baby. I always said what's that noise what's that sound about anything when I heard something. That's how I taught him many sounds.
I hear the train now outside my bedroom window. Reminds me of my son, Damons dad, every time it goes by which is several times a day. We would stop to watch and listen to the train when he was a little boy. He loved trains.
I am so tired most of the time and in pain all of the time. And when I wake up most mornings I wish I hadn't.
I don't want to end up living in a nursing home pumped up with prescription drugs locked up like a zoo animal creature with zero freedom or ability to do anything, zombified until death.
Sunday, May 5, 2024
Beyond Sex
Many things are way beyond Sex and the act is necessary for health and may be solo and fine. No partner needed.
The right partner is nice to have. The wrong ones will ruin your life.
Saturday, May 4, 2024
Truth : I and we don't like it
Would rather believe in lies and fairy tales
I like to believe in the best of all people and things. Truth is the opposite of that
I like to believe in miracles. Those are rare.
I like to think my body will heal it's back, spine, eyes and all . Truth is: it will never be the same, never like it was when I was young
Any word said might be offensive to me or anyone. It might be true and might be false. Either way it could upset someone and I or you never know if what is said is going to be accepted.
A person who amassed a fortune might lose it all with a word.
One might lose their life with a word.
Lots of us don't want to hear truth.
Lots of people don't want to hear me talk.
Friday, May 3, 2024
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND ONE TO HELP, NEVER KILLED
AND HAD TO STAND BY AND WATCH PEOPLE DESTROY THEMSELVES WITH THEIR HABITS IMAGINATIONS FIXED BELIEFS RIGID IDEAS
I AM TIRED OF CRYING FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND LIFE FORMS LIKE ANIMALS
I CANT FIX THESE BEINGS AND HELP THEM
KEY: TO KNOW AND NOT LET ON THAT I KNOW
IN REGARDS TO THE NARC
NARCISSISTS THINK I AM STUPID
THEY THINK EVERYONE IS DUMB AND THEY KNOW IT ALL AND CAN LIE CHEAT STEAL USE AND RUN PEOPLE
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
"Laughing all the way to the bank" is an idiom that means to make a lot of money easily, especially by doing something that others thought was foolish or amusing. It can also mean to be unashamedly pleased at making a lot of money. For example, "You may not think much of this comedian, but he's laughing all the way to the bank".
https://www.google.com/search?q=WHAT+DOES+LAUGHING+ALL+WAY+TO+THE+BANK+MEAN&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS982US984&oq=WHAT+DOES+LAUGHING+ALL+WAY+TO+THE+BANK+MEAN&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCggCEAAYDxgWGB4yCggDEAAYDxgWGB4yCAgEEAAYFhgeMgoIBRAAGA8YFhgeMg0IBhAAGIYDGIAEGIoFMgoIBxAAGIAEGKIE0gEJODU5OWowajE1qAIIsAIB&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
I CRY
I LAUGH
I OBSERVE
I NEED TO BE QUIET AS I WAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
AS I WATCH THEM SELF DESTRUCT
THE PRIDEFUL WHO WON'T LISTEN
PRIDE wont listen
CHUCK STRAND TREATED ME LIKE SHIT. MAY 2014 I WAS HIS CAREGIVER. HE IS DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. ATE TONS OF TRASH PROCESSED SUGARS COOKIES ICE CREAM. USED HIS BROTHER TO PAY HIS BILLS AT HIS HOUSE. CHEAPSKATE TIGHTWAD. VIEWED SEX AS DIRTY.SD WOULD MAKE THE WOMAN GET UP CLEAN UP RIGHT AWAY AFTERWARDS. NEVER MARRIED NO CHILDREN. ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. RIPPED ME OFF 350 DOLLARS PAY FOR THE 5 DAY TRIP I WENT TO TX TO BE HIS CAREGIVER. VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME LYING AND MY HUSBAND NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME.
RICK Z THREW HIS CC IN MY FACE
RICHARD M/WILSON WILL NOT LISTEN TO ME OR ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING. ACTS LIKE HE ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING
MICHAEL S. HAS TO BE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. COVERS EARS WITH HEADPHONES YELLS AT ME I CANT HEAR YOU. I DONT WANT ALOT LIKE CHUCK.TO LISTEN TO YOU I WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS (BS NEWS). ADMIRED CHUCK STRAND. GAVE HIM PORN VIDEOS AND MAGAZINES. WORSHIPS TRUMP WHO CAN DO NO WRONG.
JOHN LAYSON. DEAD AS A DOORNAIL MAY 9, 2023. HOARDED PACK HOUSE FULL. ATE TONS OF SUGAR AND ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS. NO TEETH.
CHRIS/RICHARD RIXNER. JULY 2023 DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE REGARDING FOOD HEALTH EXERCISE OR ANYTHING
Did I step up?
Well, at least he doesnt steal my purse, my money, checks or credit cards directly
He just steals my joy, time, sanity and lacks love and compassion
He does not foster an environment full of education for me so i can earn more money. Like previous relationships he inhibits my school, learning and growth keeping me down so i would only be qualified for low paying mundane jobs in traditional areas. This would not include sales or real estate broker if i could earn my license and be able to drive my vehicle to show houses without him complaining about me using the vehicle. It does not include being an author, entertainment field, modelling my body if i could figure out where.to model and be paid. I can be a caregiver part time but it pays minimum wage
At least he does not rape me, has never forced or coerced sex
He is skeptical, a nervous wreck, sees the bad side of everything, always concerned about the monetary cost instead of looking at each thing as an investment. He even throws a fit about free classes that teach anything.
He keeps his body, hair and teeth fairly clean. He shaves his face. Is this a step up?
Previous 2 husbands and several relationships involved them being bad, dirty stinky unclean body, illiteracy, thieves, criminal activity... unkempt hairy faces, stinking armpits and feet, rotten teeth.
Whatever. I am not looking for a relationship with a man to fulfill me. Its obvious it never happened before with the ones I was with.
No man is going to make me what I am.
If a man treats we well he treats everyone well, if he treats me like shit he treats others like shit as well. Their treatment of others resides in their personal viewpoints of themselves and other people. It has nothing to do with me.
Thursday, May 2, 2024
You are treated according to the other persons internal dialogue
Not according to your position, actions or words
Jump and shake and move fast
Do it slowly if you havent done it in awhile
Gets blood flowing better
Infants babies children youth teens young adults bounce alot
Run job
Dance
On the floor
On the bed
Horizontal bop
Vertical bop
Bunny hop
You talk too much : Translation
Youre honest
You might tell someone something truthful another someone doesnt want anyone to know
You might rat
You might narc
You dont fit in with crims/criminals
You do the right things
You are ethical
You think
Youre real not fake
You investigate
You dont guess
Knowing what I know now through experiences in over 62 years of life/living
I would have waited to have children if I would have had the chance to do so. I might NOT have had children. The curve in my back is so bad now that if I would have known this was gong to happen I would have told myself "You have no business being pregnant and carrying a child full term and then attempting to give birth naturally."
Both pregnancies were sheer unintentional accidents. The only way to prevent pregnancy would have been abstinence. To never allow any sperm to come near by body in any way.
I used birth control. Pills and vaginal inserts. I paid close attention to my periods ever since they began when I was 12 years old. At age 15 my sex life began and I was meticulous at keeping track of the times when ovulation would occur. I had severe pain in either the left or right side as ovulation occurred. I avoided contact with any male a few days before the egg was due to drop.
I got pregnant the first time in late March, 1978 at age 16 . My periods had been very irregular for 3 months due to getting a tubal infection thanks to douching with dish soap at the most stupid ignorant advice of my stepmother. She was mentally retarded and I was ignorant of proper vaginal cleansing at that time. Now I know the only acceptable thing to clean with is plain water.
I went into labor December 23, 1978. The doctor examined me. I was dilated to 5 cm, halfway. Then several more doctors come into the exam room to check my dilation. One doctor said, "We think your baby is breech, the cervix feels soft and we want to get some xrays to be certain. You will need to sign these forms to give us permission to do so as we normally don't xray a pregnant woman."
I signed to form. They took xrays. I saw them and the baby was feet first, head at the top where my diaphragm is. They said "We would like to perform a ceasaeran section. You have never had a child and we feel it would be unsafe for you to try a vaginal delivery. We would have to manually try to turn the baby around into the right position, head first. If we do that there is a good chance you would both die during delivery."
My body endured two ceasearen sections. The long horizontal scar across my abdomen I have is called a bikini cut. My back was curved a little at the time due to scoliosis diagnosed when I was 14.
In the third trimester of both pregnancies I would fall down while I was walking. My right leg would go numb and I hit the ground several times. In the first trimester I peed the bed uncontrollably. I would wake up laying in a wet bed. Pressure on the bladder I suppose.
I was so embarassed at wetting the bed. I never did this before and haven't ever done it when not pregnant. I had no idea what was going on.
Wednesday, May 1, 2024
Person makes sure they get what they want
and focus on what they think is top priority
eg: ex made sure always had porn and pepsi,
I used to write letters.
Some people thought I was very good at it. Mostly and appropriately, the recipients thought so.
Tuesday, April 30, 2024
People are going to do exactly what they want to do
and disregard the advice, counsel, direction of someone trying to tell them what to do
Wondering if co gas is causing fatigue
Today, several hours after I finally got up late, still so tired and just wanted to go back to bed and sleep more, I thought maybe there is a gas somewhere permeating through this house making us both so tired. For me it is most every day. Him, a random unpredictable bout if getting so tired he never knows when he will need to take a nap.
We're eating good food and taking occasional vitamins and I drink lots of water and coffee and tea and still so tired.
Firewood burned all winter except for today. Stinky riding lawnmower is in the attached garage. And God and he knows all the chemicals he uses out there when working on things.
Might kill us both. Kill us all. Could even die asleep for all I know.
General consensus
He thinks most people are stupid and not worth a damn therefore don't deserve much.
Lacks appreciation and respect for most people including me. I'm no different than any other worthless person.
Some justify their words and actions
Because they buy things and do things for you and think it gives them the right to be any way they choose, abusive or not.
Monday, April 29, 2024
Husband and eldest son are insane
And it seems like there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.
HUSBAND:
Constantly acts insane psycho nuts to me at home or anywhere I am with him and in public if he thinks no one else is paying attention. He believes in news sources that are conspiracy theories. The last few years he blown up in public at strangers several times when he confronts them about politics; trump, mainstream media, news. If the person disagrees with him he goes off instantly.
He is rigid in this thinking, beliefs, opinions and actions. He can only see his side of anything. He thinks i have to agree with him 100% on anything he says, believes or does and tells me I should just be quiet and never express my true self. The only option is to be 100% in agreement with whatever he says or does at the moment.
He does not want to feel good, happy or joyful. He is negative, skeptical, doubtful, hateful, mean. He tells me i am the cause of his anger, aggravation and constantly being upset. He feels like he has no choice in most things, is stuck in this housem cant move and cant control how he feels. Anger is his dominant emotion. Crossing his arms, avoiding looking at my eyes, looking away, wearing headphones and earphones often, walking away from me while talking or after saying what he had to say and expecting me to hear him when he is many feet away, in another room or when other loud noises are present are some body language and things he does. He often thinks i saw something he did just because i was in the same room.
He vacillates between being apparently nice at times for anywhere from a few minutes and sometimes even for a few hours then turns into the direct opposite in a flash, sometimes being a sheer devil with no provocation. I have no idea what is going on in his head and can't always predict or figure out what he will say or do.
It is difficult to sit down and have a peaceful meal when he is awake and I find myself eating very late at night, in the middle of the night sometimes 3 to 4 in the morning as I have no guarantee of peace while he is awake. Frequently I have taken my meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks with me before I go somewhere instead of eating at home due to his volatile unpredictable nature. This has been going on for many years.
I can't throw anything away, food, drink, edible or nonedible stuff or move anything around and he goes ballistic. I can't clean house, this property, yard thoroughly. NO deep cleaning allowed. Just spot and surface cleaning.
This house is full of mold and god knows what else unseen by the naked eye or unable to be detected by smell. He will not allow anyone to come in here and do anything. No testing. No help.
My health is suffering and going downhill. My eyes/vision is getting worse, chronic back pain and leg pain with periods where it is so bad I can barely do much of anything. And a mysterious fatigue that comes and goes without warning and no known cause. Fatigue began approximately January of 2023.
No logical reasoning is possible.
Sunday, April 28, 2024
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU A GOD DAMNED THING "
HE
REFUSES TO ASK FOR HELP, GET ADVICE, LOOK UP INFORMATION, TAKE DIRECTION, LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE ABOUT HOW TO FIX PROBLEMS
PRIDE
Saturday, April 27, 2024
Makes me want to vomit
having to go to the toilet of kc missouri...my eldest son's house that burned down a few days ago at 5828 e. 27th street, kansas city, mo 64127
hopefully it will be the last time i go there
Friday, April 26, 2024
I am sick of dick head ass ho;es, mean and stupid people
they cannot be changed or fixed
they remain the same
I dont discuss my gender. Anyone can tell i am a woman
All the way to the babies who call me grandma or mama
Dealing with stupid people is major cause of most of my frustration in life
Realization today
the truth
people who lack foresight and attention to detail are and have been the cause of most frustration and problems in my life
mostly men, some very few females
Not one of us can be trusted 100 percent including the self
Never put all my faith in one person one organization, group, area, anything ever as I used to do in the past
Use caution with myself as well and constantly question it all
Thursday, April 25, 2024
Soul persona
Underlying feelings i have had since i was a little girl. Why it is so, I don't know. Not sure if born that way or created due to experiences, environment, upbringing, parents, grandparents, family, teachers, life...
Soul message thoughts I had since very young...
as a preteen girl around boys males men... message i felt was
"I am not a tease" so i ended up having sex with several I didnt want to due to absolute fear of the consequences ..fear of harm, death, being murdered if I didnt do what they wanted. As I got older I found out I have a right to say no and stay away and stop them from touching me or getting near me.
"I am not after your money" "I won't do anything to get your money"
"I am not a criminal. I am not a prostitute."
"I want to work. I want to go to school. I want to make and earn my own money."
I have worked for free and worked for cheap my whole life.
"I won't perform crimes, illegal activities. I won't go along with any type of thing a person tries to get me to do which is obviously wrong. Things that deliberately hurt others and take things from them."
"I dont want to get physical (any type of sex) just for the money or stuff they give me. Not with any person. Males are usually the ones who want body pleasure, physical touching or some kind of sex be it touching or talking like phone sex. This is something I have never done as the idea is revolting to me to share the deepest personal thing a person can do with someone I do not care for .
"I do not approach anyone and pick a phycical fight with them. I do not physically attack them."
I have ended up with many individuals, mostly males, that have done illegal, criminal things, have physically harmed me and threatened to hurt me. Men who have hit me, punched me, stole my things including vehicles. Some had stole my checks and wrote hot (bad) checks out of my bank account, some used credit in my name and racked up the charges never paying them.
I want things cleaned up. I want myself, my body to be clean and fresh. I want my home and work environment to be be nice and orderly. I want things to smell good and be really clean which can only happen with soap and water, elbow grease and deep cleaning. I want a legitimate business(s) making money and have all earnings reported.
I want to be sure I and others around me are careful around food handling. Simple things like washing hands before preparing food or eating it. Sneeze into your elbow not blast sputum all over the room area. Don't stick your fingers into everything especially foodstuff. Don't pick your nose then begin touching whatever is around without washing your hands. Don't grab doorways, knobs, trim, handles, anything with your dirty hands. Watch what you're doing and don't transfer your germs onto everything wherever you go.
I have learned and am still learning much daily. If a person is not cautious with their hands, their sneezing, coughing, tossing things around anywhere like garbage they will most likely stay that way their entire life. Anything I say does no good to stop them from being unsanitary. They say I am complaining, bitching, stupid, don't know what I am talking about, exaggerating the importance of being cautious with spreading germs or any type of microbes. They say I am blowing things out of proportion, being ridiculous.
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