Why do things seem to make more sense when i look back at the timeline of events in my life?

 What happened at that moment was precursor for future events to come unknown to me at the time it happened.

Compelled to do a thing at the moment prepared me for what was to come later in the future

My attention drawn to a specific area location would later prove its reason why my subconscious was attracted to it

My attention drawn towards anyone, any thing, activity has preceded its coming and importance in my life

My tears and sadness often come prior to the sad event of loss i experience; precognition, clairvoyance, a knowing i do not kmow why , have no proof evidence or explanation for. I just know, intuitively instictively some things prior to or during time it happens

I have a gajillion examples of these clairvoyant and precognitive experiences going way back. The first time i can remember now at this time was when i was 4 years old a dream of separation from my 3 baby brothers in an elevator. 

Crying spells are common before death or loss of contact of a loved one

Emphatic i am labelled as intense

Emphasis given on truth reality i see

Unwanted behavior i have own am serious, dead on, to the point

No one wants to hear it

Hobo homeless tramp trash mismatched

 Drives me crazy when things are haphazard, out of balance

Colors patterns not coordinated, matched, inappropriate for area or circumstance

Subconscious suicide when human or animal does things it knows is wrong or hurts itself

 Wreckless dangerous behavior

Driving fast, erratic

Overworking

Drugs drugging self alcohol uppers downers pain killers

Lifting too much weight

Pushing self beyond limits

Exposing body to any extreme: food overeating, undereating, starving, temperatures, cold, hot

Unsafe environments

 Shady criminal people associates

Rushing, speeding, not allowing enough time

Too much to do

Too much stuff, material things

Desire must come from within to be true and real. It cannot be forced upon by outside influences.

People must come to their own conclusions

Everyone is no one and also someone, somebody: themselves. All born naked and die naked with nothing else but their own body.

Self internally motivated only

Prophets and angels trampled in own home town city village: Adored adulated away from familiar people and places

Genius often recognized until after the fact.

 Sometimes hundreds of years after a person dies is he she recognized for talents, foresight

Give until they gorge. Fools gorge til death

Torture tactics of idiots reign supreme

Some have quick temper without thinking, mine is slow burning death to perpetrater

Pride and arrogance are two different things

People say I am good at guessing prices cost of items

A person shouldn't have to practice self defense at home

 On guard ready for attack

Spouse partner roommate family member

Wife against husband or vice versa

Child girl or boy against mom mother or dad father brother sister cousin aunt uncle nephew niece grandparent grandma or grandpa grandmother, grandfather or any other family friend associate or acquaintance

However the world and home is filled with enemies wanting to pick a fight attack innocent beings creatures minding their own business in peace. Disruption happens everywhere I guess and suppose. No one is free to be themselves left alone to be comfortable at ease in life

Rude impolite disrespectful behaviors

 Raining on my parade shitting on happiness joy of another

Denigrating devaluing another

Taking over choices of another : food, eating, clothing, hobbies, work, school, education, yelling when not life threatening emergency

Invading territory personal space

Grabbing stealing food off anothers plate area

Sucker punch

Sneaking up on unannounced

Belching burping passing gas and not saying excuse me

Nose picking in front of anyone

Not washing hands thoroughly

Handling food from serving plate with your hands dirty clean or not

Reaching far across table for condiments platters or anything else (pass instead)

Licking serving utensils spoons ladles forks knives and especially attempting to return licked or touched utensil to serve food or drink, these are heathen animal actions

Talking over another, finishing sentences

Doing things another can do and expects to do

Treating others like they are dumb stupid incapable

Not allowing others a choice to make a decision. (Here, let me do it for you since you are obviously incapable attitude)

Humiliating others

Constant criticism

Noises made or lights turned on or off in any fashion mode waking people up rudely suddenly frightening them 

Childhood behavior learned, becomes ingrained pattern throughout life of the being

Passion inherent in each being of itself . Needs no direction.

Mistake to think i am the only one that knows anything. Respect sense of all others

Infant born with knowledge wisdom of the all god life force energy

Intelligence and stupidity are not gender specific

Unique burning desire exists in each individual

I dont need opinion permission or approval to be and decide anything

Being good at one thing doesnt mean youre good at everything

Winner sees all as winners. Losers see all as losers.

Grieving husband lost his wife to herself

 She realized she is fine on her own

Some think there is something wrong with me for being simple

 Natural

No makeup

Plain looking

Plain colored clothes

Plain food

Focus on tv cell screen window computer monitor and ignore clutter mess around you

 This is how we get nothing done, live in a mess, be sedentary, become  the judge critic instead of the active doer participant

I have yet to meet a stupid animal or plant

 Cant say the same about myself or other humans

Clutter Kills

Is high tolerance for pain patience or stupidity?

One day you will thank me, grandma said. So right, correct. Dec 2, 2008 she died. 15 years ago.

 Common among children, grown adults.

Thanked after dead, dying, died, exiting the situation.

 Walking off several jobs due to tyrant boss manager management supervisor business owner

After leaving deadbeat childish tantrum throwing partners spouse wife husband friend associate neighbor

I have been thanked by management after i walked off the job, begged to come back by ex husband boyfriend, they said you were right way too late after i gave many warnings and chances, never to return to that situation

You were right, they said, long after they missed the boat....

By the time i leave its too late. Never went back to any of them once my mind was made up. 

How many chances should a disrespectful adult be given?

 Not sure.

However I have learned that the disrespectful teenager usually stays that way throughout their entire adult life, according to the adults I know and have known during the last 60 plus years of my life.

She and he mocked me for having feelings

 Feelings of sadness, mourning, loneliness, empathy, compassion, understanding, 

I have been ridiculed by many for having such emotions

Those without compassion said why should you care it didnt happen to you, thats ridiculous you shouldnt feel that way or care, it doesnt affect you, its not your fault, stay out of it its none of your business, 

Give him or her what they want and only that so they can gorge on it

Be dead, die: the best way to not spend money

Hitchcock cheap is cheap husband twin to mine

 Was going to file for divorce but too cheap for the lawyer or doing inventory for status of assets

Thinks he can take it all

Throw me out

With almost nothing

Except my vehicle

Was your child the most valuable thing you had?

Nov 24 2023 he hugged me no reason randomly

 Is that the second time this year or the third time he gave me a hug?

Only people he has not met has he not took over hijacked from me

 Best and better not to introduce him to the ones he has not met 

Hijacked my family friend and neighbors he did

Asks fakes asking my opinion doesn't listen to it

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." -- Bertrand Russell

 Your Daily Quotation:

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

-- Bertrand Russell

Enticing a male accidentally or on purpose is the easiest thing for a female to do

Keeping him around, his attention on you only is perhaps the most difficult thing to do as he is so easily distracted 

his natural instinct and nature is to seek out as many possible mates in order to be the father of all and then he does not want anything to do with the upbringing of the kids or the whole process of the female's pregnancy ... that is from my own personal experiences and things i witness worldwide

he wants the sex act, brief encounters of bodies merging together, not the whole lifelong process of caring for the child/children he made by fertilizing the eggs of those females/girls/women he screwed

just like when he sees good food laying out somewhere, he eats it up until he is full then takes off running off to go do something else leaving the whole fukkking mess for the woman to clean up as the man thinks he has "more important things to do" than clean up after himself or anyone else

The biggest difficulty problem is NOT myself, it is when anyone else forces themselves upon me

I question the intelligence of human beings the most out of all creatures

 the "adult" humans are the culprits

the worst of all creatures life forms living beings on this planet and possibly other planets

the stupidity of our race has to be the ultimate dumbness of all the life forms in the universes galaxies systems 

I detest the cold weather with a passion

Being ready to go first thing in morning has always been a huge problem issue with me

 I cant think or move much upon waking up, usually late

if I have to get up early I am not good for very long, have to go take a nap in a few hours

If I get up late after 930 to 1030 I usually do better

Nocturnal in a world of DAY Diurnal people is a real challenge for me. ..always has been

 and daytimers seem to be the pushiest of all

attempting to force their circadian rhythm upon night timers

Quit telling anyone what to do, feel, think or be = INSTANT JOY AND HAPPINESS

It depends on where you are and who is there as to how you are treated

 Learn this everyday, every time i go anywhere

Generally ignored in crowds, crowded places public or private

Two days ago I went to a Small place, a former pizza hut turned tavern in belton, less than 10 people including customers and working employees, i seemed center of attention . Strange.  Very unusual.

Factors i conclude probably causing this unusual attention received : 

regulars were in there sitting around drinking in the dark for hours. 

I am a stranger new face to their scene. 

I came in for a sandwich and fries thats it. I dont drink alcohol. 

In familiar and family places i am a regular and regularly ignored, dismissed, left out, unheard majority of the time. Nobody gives a flying heap about me or what i have to say, need or want. Im not even looked at unless i am dressed weird. My absence is appreciated much more than my presence. I am told to leave, shut the fuck up, get out of my way and face, 

Location and people are determining factors of treatment.

Dead people

 Late last night November 24, 2023 found out she, debra wall,  died a week ago. No one contacted me. Discovered it on the Internet. Who is next? When is it my turn to end life in this body?

Debra Phillips Wall born January 14, 1962 to November 15, 2023

Richard chris rixner jan 11, 1960 to july 21, 2023

Wendolyn Wendy Moody aug 26 1966 to march 15, 2022

John william layson nov 13, 1946 to may 9, 2023

Timothy Phillips 38 . May 1983 to jan 13 2022

Michael wall. July 19 to july 2021

All is always in the all

 Before conception and to death of physical body and beyond that death the all is always present

It never left

The god presence is always there throughout all time

I'm way too slow

People die disappear and disappoint

 Don't get dependent upon them

Tied up

Love too much 

Grandma would say "I like to have fun" and Grandpa agitated her to get her mad destroying her good mood

 Just exactly like my husband and former 2 husbands

These all think money and material things are/ is the answer. 

The last two are always looking for that "perfect" looking doll woman and never investing into the woman they have. Some other woman is always better than what they've got.

Wrapped up into movies, porn and images of someone somewhere else 

NOT having fun with me. Ever

I don't like who I have become living with a constant critic slamming everything about me and hating the world

OLD men and their old cars/trucks driving around on nice weather days. ALONE

Partner you live with affects your life most. You can't get away from them and effects they have on you.

 A friend of mine told me to "just ignore him", referring to my husband and have had many tell me to just don't pay attention to someone anywhere at work or wherever I am. 

This does NOT work when you have to deal with this person on a daily basis.

Getting completely away FOREVER is the only solution. 

Even then, the effects last forever and ever. Memories are not erasable.

Remember how a person makes you feel. Lasts indefinitely.

I have had people tell me they remember that I was "a lot of fun"

You Can't Get Away From Yourself

Lucky, fortunate to have parents, mom and dad, who supported me and siblings brothers sisters

All Gone In An Instant: This is life/end of life/death

When child cant please parent mommy or daddy..

 Feels unaccepted, unloved,  not wanted unappreciated

What does adult child do?

 Smirked and made fun of my writing

Anusersabudibe bullies

Air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.. suffocating

 Tension in grandparents house I grew up in. My mom used to say this to describe her mother's and stepdad house

Funny how that is what I have lived in the past 30 + years and 10 years before that

My mother was beautiful ...

 She endured much suffering . Died at age 64 on December 14, 2003. Born May 14, 1939. Sun sign Taurus, Cancer rising on ascendant. 

She ended up in poverty, lived in horrible bad ghetto neighborhood since divorce 1971 april until her death in 2003. Didn't have money but remained highly ethical, clean, looked nice, never did drugs or drank alcohol. ended up overweight due to cheap food bad diet. she did take vitamins and practiced cleanliness baths, skin care. Her savior nature caused her to marry a man who was an alcoholic, Warrren was 4 years older than me born 1957, 18 years younger than my mom.

mean hateful comments from family members including her own mother who loved her dearly but was hypercritical of her

step grandpa was instigator of criticism calling my mother horrible names because he was such an ass hole and he was proud of it. grandma would call him an ass hole sonofabitch bastard mother fucker and he enjoyed her screaming at him, telling him exactly what he was. grandpa leroy called my mother fat, lazy because he could not stand to relax himself. he was overly competitive and thought it was the way to be. he was a very hard worker however was repulsive to me ever since i can remember. I was 5 years old he scared me half to death with his loud voice, yelling and bad breath. Trying to give me a hug and I pushed myself away from him. Didn't like him or trust him. Grandma kept me safe and clean and healthy and protected me. He was rude rash crazy fast driver. Thought the was so intelligent. She called him an educated idiot. How true. 

WOMAN: YOUR WORK MEANS NOTHING. YOUR LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING

 woman your work means nothing

cook clean housework laundry errands

education schooling learning teaching 

work your ass off like a man doing mens work

and he will be looking at and lusting after feminine looking girls females other women

seeking opportunities to nail any beautiful holes he can sniff out

sniffing like a damn dog

BEST ADVICE: LOOK YOUR BEST AT ALL TIMES

BE A WOMAN BE BEAUTIFUL 

Be feminine. Be natural, soft, pretty, cute. 

Be desirable. 

SMILE

DRESS NICE

--------------------------------

I am tired fed up with all of my efforts working at things trying to make things right and nice and pleasant for him or anyone else. He does not listen, does not care. Neither did any other man I had a relationship with or worked with or around. 

My entire life has been a fight for my right to get a formal education and work at my internet sales and get people together, linking and mediating others 

My looks seem to be the only thing that are the most important as no one is listening to a damn thing I say or any work I do regarding cooking, cleaning, sales, 

My brain and intelligence do not matter to anyone and never have mattered

So the only thing I can do now is invest in myself and put all of my energy into looking my best, as my grandmother told me many many years ago... she said "Always look your best"

----------------------------------

I don't care what you want anymore.

I am not busting my ass going out of my way to please you. You don't appreciate it. You dont want to do anything willingly for me or for anyone. You don't want to do anything unless you get paid money for it. 

I can't love you and help you get over childhood trauma of hatred and rejection and feelings of worthlessness. All you do is try to make me feel worthless, ugly and powerless. 

Too many other people, men and women and children are out there who are nice and kind and appreciate life. They love people and animals and life in general.  

too many other men have thrown money food and services at me .. there are many who willingly go out of their way to make others happy. you don't. you don't want to say or do anything to make me happy. you go out of your way to make me miserable and put on a phony fake front in public trying to look perfect when you are really a scared little boy bullying me as much as possible trying to destroy my beauty my feminity my love of life and fun and work and dancing

Don't like the service at the fast food restaurant? Come back in 4 weeks. All new crew

Fanaticism in politics ruins his life and me, mine

Isolated with one person=Lack of appreciation

When no one is around what does he she do?

 Is that your real self, alone?

Some can hate a person and screw

 Have no respect, love, consideration for one and sex them

Say i dont care about or like her but she looks good i would fuck that then walk off

People do these things when i am around

 Silent

Running

Avoiding

Never or rarely call

Dont invite or tell me about events

Turn away

Agree fast to shut me up even when they dont agree

Dont walk with me but usually a long way in front of me

Say shut the eff up, i dont want to hear or listen to you, i dont believe you

Act pretend they are not with me, embarassed? Ashamed?

Slow very super slow ... naive stupid narcissist me

She and he said I havent treated you bad

 And ridiculed me and mocked me and said after all ive done for you

Haughty arrogant status for appearance seekers

I was the showoff piece supposed to make grade a in school

Trophy not human

Daytime and groups of one or more people interefere my work

I stayed up all night many times and got work done

 As long as he didnt get up and interrupt me

Solitude. Best way i have accomplished work or any other thing

NEVER CHASE A MAN! Be VERY choosey about accepting,talking to the ones who chase you. Hard lesson I finally learned

 Never chase or be the first to make an advance.

When he seems interested NEVER fall head over heels and show him

I have been beat up, both eyes black and blue damaged from male fist bashing my face, body parts attempted to be torn off of me, kicked in the head and knocked out raped and sodomized, attempted strangulation, raped in my sleep, punched, kicked, smacked, yelled at, all by men that I pursued and basically made the first move. 

HUGE MISTAKE. One of many i have made. 

 

Play is vital for life. I have none

 I am an unwanted freek

Movement of All: Necessary

 Air

Water

Everything is and must keep moving 

even though it may appear to be still

Sarah Does Dishes

 Ever since I was 9 years old

I get to do the dishes wherever I go

Clutter. The Poor Mans Mind

Quit pushing your stuff upon other people

She's looking good. Would like to have sex with her again to see if it's the same...

 said by a man friend of mine

referring to his ex live in woman girlfriend who always had sex with him at the drop of a hat and yet he ran out around finding sex with any available person 

Decisive Decisions ..oscillating or firm, flexible or rigid

 Both are inherent practiced 

evolved from constantly making decisions

each one thing decided affects all others in front of it in the future

I am my experiences

I reflect my environment. Mirror mirroring

Control freaks people

 fearful humans that we are...

restrict other life forms containing them, boxing them up, tying up, pinning down

put themselves in position of power authority

use word  "should" alot

whatever i need or want or am doing he gets for himself. i mention something he gets or does it. done to maintain illusion of control dominance in household and relationship. creating dependency and total imbalance

food/eating, mattress, stereo music equipment, tires

medical care

years and years i go without seeing a doctor for my severe scoliosis, basic exams, medical treatment, ulcers, gastritis, duodenitis, eczema, from 2006 to 2016 no doctor no care except one visit to a dentist 100 he paid for due to his obsession with seeing dentist about teeth

dominates telephone, any item around here

whatever i can do he does it then screams and yells i dont do anything around here except maybe the laundry and dishes

gets mail, monitors mail, has probably tossed out my stuff,  cleans off drive, patio, dusting vacuuming floors..things i can do without further breaking my back 

How to ruin a sweet girl: ask the husband for instructions

And scrooge counts his money right before christmas.. right on time again

 Ebeneezer is at it again

Not impressed with most restaurants or carny food

How many times should an ass jerk bastard be forgiven?

I have a long history of not putting up with shit at jobs work places

 From a hole bosses

You are an effing bitch

 I told new supervisor at public storage july 2000

She immediately fired me over the phone saying youre relieved

Marta, micromanaging ex militant narcissist

If you are an ass hole i am not working here...

 Exact words i said to ne manager at clark oil 1993

Ira goss. He was a good nice manager.

So was Mike the assistant

The person I was versus today living dead girl

 Direct result of treatment, experience, conditioning. 

I am still in there waiting to come out, return to me the way i fully am not the skeleton shell i have become, starved of appreciation. 

Giving in to a bully kills. No respect for kind people

 Bullies have No respect for the ones who give in to abuse and will never respect the kind hearted.

Progressively gets worse no chance for change.

Will never respect the one who gave in, put up with their bad behavior and forgave them by making excuses because the victim is a kind soft hearted person. The kind person never gains respect from the bully regardless of what they do to try to gain respect. 

Kind people are used up and spat out with disgust.. that stupid idiot fool see how i took advantage of them and twisted everything around to make thrm think they are the crazy one that is the cause of all my problems. Bully thinks others are taking advantage of them. Laugh at pain and misfortune of others. Take good people and things for granted. Dont cry because they sympathize or empathize but yell in anger throwing temper tantrum fits going into a rage often.

He has zero interest in my well being

Vulgar vulgarity

 Rough, rash, mean, uncouth, uncivilized, incorrigible..

Some beings seem vulgar. Most of the ones I've met are males.

I have been acting vulgar as I have become older. It could be due to dealing with rude antagonistic males and some females. 

My rude actions include 

raising my voice/talking too loud/yelling, 

occassional swearing/cursing/cussing/using foul language

talking too much and over people

Rude, vulgar, abrasive behavior I have experienced from others, mostly men include

not saying excuse me or some other apology for burping belching farting 

discussing unpleasant subjects during mealtimes

pushing me out of the way

not opening the door, car or otherwise, for me

taking over an activity I am doing

performing an activity I could do for myself and they know it. they do it anyway regardless of how it makes me feel

interrupting me, talking over me, finishing my sentences

name calling

condescending attitude

making sexual advances towards me and not taking no for an answer

not taking no for an answer in regards to anything I say no to

invading my space territory 

taking things of mine, moving my stuff around 

Grandpa

 Competetive

Focused on sports 

Worked full time teacher

Summertime painted schools full time

A job was most important

Grew up poor

Money and sex focused

Food, ate regularly, meals on time, never cooked. Breakfast snacks lunch dinner

Said to me often the best exercise is pushing yourself away from the table

Bought me my second carrS

Coin collections sacajaweia was one

Said little girls learn around the age of 5 the influence they have way they affect other people, cute, pretty

Stiff rigid narcissist, authoritarian, public image, status, how people look and dress, my or anyones  hair, appearance, his clothing, money 

Fixed one track mind, grandma called him one way corrigan, picked at grandma until she got mad angry then laughed 

Interesting how my husband is so similar to him

Used word "wonderful" when i stated something i deemed good

Always focused on how i and people look. Asked me do you ever smile?

Called people derogatory names: Lazy, punk, 

Loud voice, yelled. 

Didnt like talking on the phone but grandma did

57 years married to my grandma. December 2, 2008 she died

Got married years later to woman a 2 years older than me myrna bornjuly 1959, me july 1961

March 2018 died age 92

ALWAYS INVEST IN MYSELF.

 ALWAYS INVEST IN MYSELF.

NEVER RELY ON SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. PEOPLE ARE FALLIBLE AND WILL NEVER MEET FULL EXPECTATIONS. ONLY I CAN FULFILL MYSELF ALL OF THE TIME.

My grandson is an empath born april 2014

 He is naturally kind thoughtful and very sensitive. He cries easily. 

He hates contact sports. He hates certain family members dislikes others alot. Men and women. Every time i went there to babysit him He begged me to stay extra days to watch him at his house as i am not allowed to keep him at my house due to my husband.

 He hits himself rather than be aggressive fight back punch someone else. He told me his friend angel a boy his own age gets mad and hits him and he doesnt hit him back. Angel and him started spending the night with each other last year. I think he is the first stay over friend he has had.

He was slapping himself across the face until he was around 7 and i finally figured out why. He was being slapped by an adult couldnt fight back figured he would slap himself and hit himself so someone else wouldnt have to do it, same behavior that i have. I am not aggressive, never go up to someone punching them or threatening them and i live with someone who does those things to me.  I didnt teach him that, it is born into his personality.

HE is not mean cruel or otherwise harmful to other living things people or animals

He was being punched in the gut and hit in the chest at mealtimes a person yelling at him "eat your food!" He was being slapped across the face first time i knew of when he was 15 months old. It was probably happening before that because he would slap me for no reason when he was 8 months old. 

Tackled nelson wrestling hold grip, tight hold to make him stop moving punished for climbing on furniture age 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and beyond..to me unreasonable punishment because all healthy children naturally climb things. He was hit hard forcefully on his legd for kicking the back of the seat in the vehicle by someone else.. i just moved the seat farther away in my van when i took him somewhere so his feet couldnt reach it. All kids kick the back of the seats in cars. 

When he was 3 we were sitting in my van in the parking lot at dollar tree 89th and wornall and he kept going on and on talking about being pushed and knocked down . I witnessed a tall man kick him in the back knocking him down to the ground more than once. He did it because he said he wasnt listening to him, not doing what he said instantly. 

Definition of crazy

What is definition of mean (hate hateful kind of)...

Is a person crazy or just plain mean?

People dont quit jobs. They quit managers

 Great thing i heard from a lady today

Absolute truth

If i refiled for disability and won id be dead by the time its approved

 2005 was 2nd time i was turned down for social disability

Judge denied claim

Same judge who denied first claim

I have mountainscof old paperwork from the filings

Had a social security disability lawyer Joan Deans office was in business building 63rd & Blue Ridge, kansas city, mo 2001 was year of first filing

Joan mailed a box of paperwork from the case after losing the second time

If it would be granted now i wonder what the back pay would be....

Back pain getting worse and worse. Bone pain about unbearable

Men now and then

 He spends most money and time on himself, cars hobbies interests food guns stereo speakers and equipment tools camping stuff expensive color levis 517 to have the best quality of everything for himself expects me settle for anything i can get and be happy with it the bare minimum

Doesn't dance or watch me and ogles other women dancing exercising aerobics pilates yoga nude pornography and xxx adult clubs 

Yells loudly at me my left ear hearing damaged from the last ex

Whines

Leaves me at home and takes off frequently

One went to Nudie titty topless bars lied about going while I am home watching kids cooking cleaning laundry treats me like shit hits me blacks my eye

Liars cheats thieves self centered egotistical braggarts mean flirting with women in front of me and when I am not looking

Porn obsessed watchers

A Woman Who Can Retain Her Beauty past the age of 30 is a miracle

Waterproof mascara is best for me. I cry easily and rarely wear makeup anyway

I like to get the harder difficult nasty stuff done first before having fun

Black blood in parts of stool, poop. Bright red bleeding

 Noticed dark black sections in stool , again yesterday and day before . Bright red sometimes .. a couple of months ago september a large amount of bright red blood filling wads of toilet tissue paper then again several more days since. 

Researched. Dark blood Could be upper gi bleeding, stomach, colon, intestines , bright red lower area possibly colon, hemorrhoids. 

Stomach cancer or other gastrointestinal area . Whatever the cause or what it is I dont want it nor do I want examx oscopies of any kind, colonoscopy or any type of procedure.

Been eating good food, rounded diet meat vegetables raw and cooked, fruit fresh and canned. Take senna pills occassionally, natural laxative to help have bowel movement. So it is surprising to see these bleeding issues. Might explain the unexplained bouts of fatigue lasting weeks or just a few days. 

At any rate I have been slowly working on getting rid of extraneous things. Something to do while I am still alive.  Others will cart haul off the mess when I am dead or god forbid incapacitated so it only matters to me. I want consideration for the living and less of a mess for them to deal with. Universal energy knows I have certainly cleaned up plenty of messes, my own and others and continue to do so daily. Dirt and shit are handed to me in abundance to deal with. 

Way I am treated is according to the person

 Has nothing to do with value

Value is determined by the individual

One person treats me like gold while another treats me like trash, another one ignores

Questions

 What is my purpose?

What is anyones or anythings purpose?

Am I Crazy? I asked myself age 9

 Living in households with adults misbehaving, being out of balance.

People cant can change another person

Faux and forced apologies never last

A true apology is demonstrated by changed behavior permanently

 Repenting (changing) because recognized mistake and does not repeat bad behavior forever

Recognize nice or mean behavior first meeting someone

 What is said, their focus

Impulsive, irrational or slow thoughtful

Question themselves introspective? Or only critical of others.

Save yourself years of fristration identify what youre dealing with upon first meeting

All this time i wasnt the only one, just a fill in

Its a horrible feeling to be controlled

I dont know what she thinks shes doing....

 He said to cable installer guy when we first got internet 1999 road runner, time warner cable

He had to have cable tv about 40 dollars wasted per month i paid for

No can do: things obstructed, made difficult or impossible. Possible solutions

Difficult or impossible to do at home:

use Washing machine at home

Cooking what i want anytime

Cleaning floors

Vacuuming

Clearing out getting rid of things not needed, clutter

Dusting my way

Owning appliances furniture cars dishes anything i want

Van maintenance repairs cleaning car wash in driveway

Decorating, remodelling

Garage sale

Exercising dancing at home living room

Listening to music anywhere except master bedroom

Social gatherings, holidays at home

Designing anything regarding the yard, house, any object here at house

All things duties here are made complicated difficult

Organizing 

Plant ownership inside or out

Garden 

He took over virtually every item, area, duty, activity all the way down to smallest things like getting the mail

Talking on phone anytime i want 

Recovering properly from future back surgery i desperately need 

Having visitors i want anytime

Have grandson over or any family member or any person

Babysit anyones kids children

Be myself

College courses

SOLUTIONS POSSIBILITIES:

EAT out. Get prepared food

Sell online

Work somewhere away from home

Laundrymat

Car wash

Leave house to work

Leave house to exercise, have any kind of social life, entertainment, hobby

Sleep, bathe, eat frozen, canned, fresh food in house

Reduce household chores to nothing (còoking, dishes, laundry, cleaning are very time consuming activities. Use time to work, eat, socialize, hobbies away from home)

Gym community center exercise

He drove the nails in his own coffin

 By being mean 

Dictator attracted to what type of person people woman or man

 What and who they can dominate, control

Nice and easy puppet targeted

Piece of hair pie

 They all want it

Free or not

Will spend the money if they have it 

He threw psycho fit again last night

 Over the washing machine making loud noise

Blamed it on me as usual

Now I don't even want to use a washer here. Rather wash by hand and go to the laundry mat 

Not an investment here can't fill boat with holes in it

Poison in pretty package

 Pretty fake 

Polished shiny

Flashy glitter

OLD FOOLS ARE ABUNDANT

Autopilot. Run on it

 Professionals, especially do this.

Things done that are ingrained habit or instinct.

Done without thinking about it.

Female is to look at and look back

 And she doesn't have to say a word

or do anything else such as be smart, work, have know how, chase, run, compete

She looks good and gives that look and that is it

I have known a few silent females/girls/women who speak little, reveal hardly anything, stay to themselves privately and secretly, go on about whatever business they are doing and they are quite successful at living without allowing anyone to distract them 

Dumb Things

Not knowing how dumb I am/was/can be

Unaware that other people are dumb

Being dumb without realizing it

Making friends with the dumb

Listening to dumb advice from the dumb who are also unaware of just how dumb we both are

Saying dumb things

Saying anything especially when silence suits best

Dumb talks too much

Doing dumb activities

Not knowing that dumbness has nothing to do with age. An infant is often wiser than a very old person.

Dumbness often increases when the child enters school

Dumbness increases with age especially when the child learns from dumb elders, family, teachers, professionals, adults, teenagers

Dumb person doesn't know it is dumb

Dumb person does not question its intelligence or correctness

Nagging is saying it more than once

 Listen to me or anyone the first time.

Nagging, preaching, giving a sermon, lecturing, talking on and on forever incessantly telling people information, giving them messages.

Repeating themselves over and over again. Advertisers do it all of the time. 

It is done by many people who get paid to do it. 

I talk and repeat myself and am that I am lecturing and nagging.  The person didn't listen the first time, clearly evident by the questions they ask me. I do not want to have to repeat myself, do not enjoy wasting my breath, time and energy. It is exhausting.

Finally found out why I don't have a bunch of girlfriends or even one: Men and sex

 And I have lots of male friends/associates 

..... instincts in females tell them things words cannot

Nothing needs to be said, they know lots of men are attracted to me and I converse well with males. I am married and have lots of sex with my husband only. My husbands instincts tell him many men want my body for sex so he's always ready for it constantly on the alert to see if I am wanting it..he knows plenty of others are after it even though he doesn't say it often in words; his actions speak for all of it. He is hyper aware of what I am wearing at all times, the position of my body, the words I say and how much I talk, jealous, easily angered, wanting to know my whereabouts and who I talk to and what I talk about. He has always said things like "Never be alone with a man in a house or anywhere". 

In my own personal experiences he is right about not being alone with a man anywhere. Each man is different, some are polite and respect my wishes right away, some keep pushing and won't take no for an answer. However even the polite ones would jump right on top of me if I let them. 

Male wolves watching, silently waiting for a "weak" moment when they think they can slip in the back door, imagining they could have the opportunity to strike gold in the honey pot. Most of them seem to have this strange type of thinking that they can just be the lucky one because they happen to be there or they have money or skills even though I have flat out told some of them I wouldn't let you touch me regardless of what you have or do. You're not getting in my bins if you were the last man on earth. If you just want sex go find a trick whore type who does do anything with anyone for the money or job. 

And I am pretty sure these guys have a bunch of females on their want list anywhere they go or anyplace they have seen some woman they'd like to grab, drag off by her hair, fornicate her in any place whether she or he is married or not. Marriage does not mean anything to a lot of these guys I have come across. Their own wife can be standing right next to me and they make the pass, flirting when she is not looking or sometimes blatantly saying and doing sexual advances right in front of her. 

Harem collection common desire amongst men

 Some act

Some dream

Some can

Some can't

Female that I am I do not CHASE MEN/males,boys

 A simple lesson I was taught by by female elders that I am re-learning again today

Boys and men chase me

Food and drink, thoughts, activities equals mood

He takes the intitiative on all things and gets mad at me for doing to same thing

Take for granted a thing until it is missing or broken

feeling at moment determines how i see everything

My/your reaction is the reason, not the circumstance

Clothes and appearance are everything. How you are dressed determines treatment due to impression it gives.

Clock fell off wall and broke on novembrr 6, 2023

 Late evening. After 11 pm.

Put new round white background battery operated $4.82 clock on north master bedroom wall. It fell off. Broke face thin glass  and square box mechanism that operates clock broke off back plastic and came off stem and second hand. Threcentire clock away Nov. 7, 2023.

Significant event? Could be. Last time my mothers old clock fell off that wall john layson called me soon after, all hell broke loose.

I Have Yet To Meet a Smart Man

NEVER get committed to an ADULT one who lacks SELF CONFIDENCE

They will end up destroying your life and all of your efforts will be in vain. Regardless of what you do they will never feel totally confident. They will do things to attempt to destroy your happiness and confidence in yourself. 

Once the self confidence is destroyed in CHILDHOOD it remains throughout the entire life

I have NEVER succeeded in helping any ADULT gain confidence regardless of how much I tried

The child made to feel unloved, unwanted, worthless, stupid, anything negative will attempt to do things to feel loved, wanted and important and will usually fail throughout their entire life. No amount of caring form me has built the self confidence of a grown person who carries with them the feeling of being a worthless piece of trash/crap/shit.

News fans

 Those Obsessed with news 

Learn hatred war prejudice fear 

Often old people

In their childhood observed others focusing on the war and adopted the same pattern of news stories to watch. Developed hatred for culture and differences between themselves and others

I lived with family members who watched the news observed grandparents who were prejudiced and parents who were not

My preference is to avoid focusing on the bad news therefore I skip it

Your back looks so bad I am surprised you can even walk !

 said by my husband today  November 6, 2023

"All it takes is when one disc slips...and you're going to be crippled unable to walk...

you need to be careful

Sugar causes schizophrenia" my friend Kirk said

 a few years ago Kirk made the comment about too much sugar causes schizophrenia

one of the wisest things ever said

not only does it cause serious mental disorders it results in serious physical ailments

the brain is physical 

the chemicals ingested or encountered anywhere affect the body thus the mind

airborne, liquid, solid, whatever form of matter affects all things

and the temperature and humidity levels along with wind movement is determining factor of chemical changes and affectations upon all life

Gaining is not giving up. "Giving up" is GAINING/ Exchanging

 Quitting a thing is called giving up

Framing my mind differently is what I do because if I feel like I "GAVE up" something it means I can never go back: a mental restriction limiting my feeling of CHOICE

I am not "giving up" any certain thing because the option is always open to do that thing and I choose to do something else instead of that thing that wasn't doing me any good

So I GAIN by changing my choices in whatever I do

Exchanging one behavior for another

Stupid cookie ought to be the word instead of "Smart"

 too much flour and sugar makes one stupid

The first test of a truly great man is his humility." -- Ruskin

 Your Daily Quotation:

"The first test of a truly great man is his humility."

-- Ruskin

Many things i wish i had learned as a child 12-30-2018

 many things i wish i had learned as a child

12-30-2018 original date written

health: food diet nutrition

  how to cook

wealth: money management and attaining money and property

wisdom

happiness

  stress management and elimination of unnecessary stress

  appreciation what is and what has been and what will be

socializing

  how to know and understand myself,

relate to different kinds of people

 friends

family 

neighbors

co-workers

bosses

employees at businesses I do business with

strangers I meet when I am out walking, shopping

psychology

 how to read people,  accept myself as i am and 

others as they are 

practice self control instead of thinking i can control everyone and everything around me

freedom

drives of life... what motivates people

the reasons why we think, feel and do what we do

purpose: procreation, replication, sex, self expression, control

recognition, appreciation

necessities :

air first

water second

food third

shelter housing

 clothing

transportation

I repeat this to myself daily: 

I am healthy, wealthy, wise, happy, free and have lots of friends and family.

I grew up in a well meaning family who did the best they could with what

they had. 

However I didn't know anyone who wondered why they thought and

did what they did or how they arrived at where they were.

Dysfunction at its best. Nobody explained to me what was going on.

Nobody knew what was really happening or why

and they didn't want to know why.

I questioned the behavior of myself, my family and other people I knew.

I asked many people why, why, why.? 

Often I was told to shut up, not question anyone and not to

disagree with anyone.

Agreeing with everyone is impossible. I resolved to agree to disagree and

not force my opinions upon others but let them know what I think and

they are free to think any way they want to think. That is okay with me.

I have been told I think too much, am crazy, don't understand

I have been humiliated, criticized, laughed at, minimized, shut out,

ridiculed, ostracized

Electric shock to stop animal from its own instinct?

Food, drinks chemicals cause results

Mood, state of mind

Regularity

Abnormality

Psychosis

Size, growth, weight

Functions

I am convinced these chemicals are responsible for sanity or insanity, the ability for the being to be calm or out of control, basically any state of being.

Greedy are like pigs

Greedy are like pigs 

Hogging up the good stuff, running things, doing as little as possible

and tricking other people into being slaves by withholding true information

and lying to the public

Promoting ideas of being a workaholic, an alcoholic, an exercise freak

who consumes strange brews and food in order to look like an inhuman 

muscular mass, a fanatic of something --pick a category 

Once a rumor comes out in the news it is followed by innocent

brainwashed beings                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Fake food, concoctions, remedies, cures is advertised and pushed

Lots of cheap drinks and food sweetened either with sugar or artificially sweeteners, 

imitation flavors, enchancers (this stuff makes them the most money especially 

premade drinks, sauces and premade seasonings and packaged items)

Finally have peace to write at 12:45 am

 Long day of housework, food preparation, eating, resting awhile, lots of dishes.

No walk today. Will definitely go out tomorrow. 

Hope they quit daylight saving time by next spring.

It's not saving anything ..ideated by money minded idiocratisers like people I have lived with that scrimp down to the bare bone on little stuff like a night light left on so a person can see if they happen to get up in the middle of the night then maybe they won't trip and fall and break their neck.

Ridiculous nonsense for fools disrupting people's lives.

He/she has been trained like a dog

Health Care costs will consume everything you have if you are not aware of it

Pretty Female Girl Woman always in season by anyone, males or females

Just spent hour and a half in the kitchen..again

Roast onions celery carrots potatoes green beans in the instant pot pressure cooker

never finished

constant daily duties

unpaid labor

i would have to get up at 4 am in order to get household stuff done and it would take me 3 to 4 hours a day to do food prep, kitchen cleaning, floors, laundry, windows, driveway, patio

john layson

 july 13, 2021

delameter plumbing  358-8952
layson family used for many years

https://www.google.com/maps/place/Delameter+Plumbing+And+Remodeling/@39.0517804,-95.0527898,9z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m5!3m4!1s0x87c0e398e3e214d9:0xa4de6d691af11ddc!8m2!3d39.0520615!4d-94.4909199?hl=en

v's restaurant
owner friend of his dad quinton layson and mom bernadine layson

the levee knows owner kerr
john and jacque giles visited

1972 softball award richards gebaur afb air force base

55th garfield lived as a child before moving to raytown, missouri
at 8413 spring valley rd

went to high school at raytown south high

college washington university st louis missouri

https://ucollege.wustl.edu/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local-listing

------------------------------

THINGS HE SAID, WAY HE THOUGHT

there's an adjustable table in the living room it's yours

get an attorney now, immediately have a will made up .. i had a heart attack and don't know when i am going to die. i want to make sure it's all covered. it's all going to you, whatever i have

said "i don't have enough time" dont have enough space, dont have enough money

called me "cyber sarah" (i was on computer most of the time) and "pocahontas" when my hair was in pigtails, "little bird" left her nest when i got my own sales spot/booth at the flea market

----------------------

would not clean up anything. jacqueline giles his lifelong friend was neighbor since childhood told me he wouldn't take a shower after mowing grass in the yard and would go 2 to 3 weeks without a shower. she took baths he didn't. she said he would bring things back in she threw in the trash and wouldn't allow her to clean anything up in his house ..she lived in his basement for years after i quit working with him at flea market in september 2008 .not sure exactly when she moved out but it was before december 2020. 
he blasted music through several stereo systems playing all at once in different rooms of the house
he slammed cabinet doors in the kitchen on upstairs floor when angry usually because he couldn't find something jacque heard him yelling while she was in the basement. 

john was a hoarder. 2 story ranch 3 bedroom 3 bath completely packed wall to wall floor to ceiling with barely enough room to snake walk in paths from room to room; living room, kitchen, hallway, dining room, bath, basement

he minimized undercut underestimated time it took to do anything. he didn't create anything of his own, except a multtude of messes wherever he was. he copied music and movies from any recorded device. he received letters from recording industry regarding illegal activities he did which were tracked on the internet isp but somewhow escaped being sued or going to jail or whatever they do to prosecute violators 

he had many fines from city of raytown for illegal unlicensed vehicles, overgrowth of grass weeds etcetera in the yard/lawn at his residence

Wake up little Suzy susie

They must run and feel free to roam... looking for the "P"

It's like candy: The female part they want

 exact words out of my son's mouth

men searching for that thing

interesting because i told a guy many years ago 

when you are bad you don't get any candy

Norman wanted to give me his land and everything he had

 Rutherford

lived on Pershing Road in Raytown, Missouri

born April 20, 1922

he lived in a huge mess junkyard cars and automotive parts scattered everywhere

disorganized dirty mess

much like a lot of other men i know and have known

norman never got married but did have sex with very few women and believed he got his niece pregnant

she was married to his nephew

he kept saying he couldnt figure out why he felt compelled had an irrestible urge to fuck me 

he screwed the other woman many years before ..must have been the same instinctual urge to GET IT

PREMADE food. MOST costly way to eat

Territorial creatures we are

 As are animals and all life forms I have seen/witnessed

including any kind of life be it plant or microbe

needing own space 

Tastys chicken encounter

 Standing in line ordering my food

Man named randy solicited me. Western name

I said im not interested in a relationship

He said it doesnt have to be a relationship, heres my business card with my address come ti my house anytime

Computer repairs he works from home 

His son has same name

I wrongly thought once i got old enough it would stop (being solicited for sex by men and hated by women)

 And falsely believed a man would love me thru thick and thin regardless of my appearance health or work i do or favors for him and his family and friends

This friend tried to get me to meet him at a motel wanting sex

 I never told anyone who

Which is named stitz

And he has known me and my husband for many years, since 2002 or 2003

I refused the motel offer he said one time and ignored sex offer every time he mentioned it

I have zero interest in him or intention of ever doing anything with this person. It is strictly business and friendship, I thought it was anyway. 

It appears no man can be my friend and he not having ideas other than friendship

I remember certain things not all things

Trust myself. Dont trust anyone else

 Lesson realizing now after living over 60 years in this body on this planet/plane.

Only one can keep quiet if only one knows.

Anyone knowing anything who tells anyone else then it is spread around like lightning fire warp speed. 

Any sound sight sense interpreted is replicated repeated even if imaginary.

A real or imagined truth or falsehood revealed in any form of communication can destroy or idolize anyone anywhere.

Caution with thoughts speech actions is wise but wont guarantee destruction or emulation adoration.

Anyone is target at any time. Surprise attacks are commonplace.

He needs to know that other men want me, grandma said

Now i know why women spend so much on beauty for themselves

 Which is exactly what i need to do. Focus on getting and remaining beautiful . That is the only thing that matters

He said oh yes she gets anything she wants when she looks good enough

Many men have told me similar things stated in different ways

Marriage means nothing to the Penis

 Marriage created to give illusion of commitment to the female woman 

And make her have a false sense of security

There is no security or monogamous commitment especially for a human man male

If he is not cheating having sex in person he is doing it mentally, visually, electronically, on paper, via voice phone video magazine book poster calendar 

I am only pretty to the man who hasnt had me. And i dont look that good compared to most females

 Once screwed youre a whore

Now tossed ashore

Hes trying to get the next female he hasnt had and do the same to her

Life: An endless Buffet of Choices

Big huge life mistakes i made

 Falling in love, getting too close

Allowing anyone to control anything about me

Allowing crap and losers in my life

Not saying no due to fear

Believing myths lies and being a fool

Revealing too much about plans dreams desires wishes any personal issues 

Talking when i should be silent

Talking to just anyone randomly

Answering questions in specifics details lists, not generalizing

Having no mystery about me

Rambling on unfocused

Living and working with fixer uppers messes and fighting about it, a total waste of time. Nobody wants or needs to be fixed. We all think we are right and fine

I need to be aloof at arms length or farther away out of reach

 This is why i am devalued, too close, always there

Too involved caring 

Men want women. How they mess up

 Ignore her. Condemn, criticize, belittle. 

Act different after the courtship and claim of ownership

Too much of it or you, not enough variety

 Why would i look at pictures of you..i see you all the time

Why listen to you , i dont want to listen to you, i hear you , you talk all the time. You say the same things every day

I like to hear different music. Thats why i like pandora playlists they add different music to my list

I need a different personality (around)

Get the fxxk out of my face. Just leave! Youre gone for hours, stay home, go away, leave me alone. I dont need your opinions, input..dont care to hear it

‐---‐-‐‐--------

And absence is necessary to create desire. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Familiarity breeds contempt

Take for granted what we think is always there and no chance of leaving forever, no chance of losing it, no loss possible

Thing most appreciated is experienced less or not yet experienced

Desire what you dont have. 

Dont wear out your welcome

Ten minutes of me lasts for months. Intense. Tmi too much information. Overwhelming. Strong. 

i'd rather read a book (slower) he'd rather watch a movie (its faster)

 a book takes a lot more effort

a video is fast and easy, ready made

Most Men Are a Mess. Stupid fools.

 The list goes on and on I could make of men I know and have known.

Men living in a mess, making messes. Acting like a mess of a fool. Nice at first, nice to strangers then mean as hell once in an established relationship with a female who loves them.

Believing all they need to do is work alot, have a lot of money, material things, make their body look good by working out, own nice things and clothes.  And only be nice and polite in the beginning of a relationship with a woman. After he thinks he "owns" her he can say and do anything he wants without consequence. 

They wonder around looking for a woman, often any woman who looks good to them and have no clue as to why they either don't have a woman or the woman they are with is not happy. They are such a mess and so mean and rude at times they run her off. She never comes back and he sits there in awe and can't figure out why she left and will never return.

Getting a woman might be easy sometimes, keeping one around is not so easy.

Name them off, men I know who are a mess or were a mess when alive. Messed up environment and/or messed up way they are treating others..

kirk hupp

tony gomez

john layson

norman rutherford

own hub mike 

ed m ex husband

john hunsperger

leroy mitchell

richard wilson

Until the last breath a person wants control

No logic reasoning or rationalizing with a crazy person

Best things I have ever done

  Joining community center in august 2021

swim

Dance

New routes paths

Discover 

Solitude

Meditation

Relaxing

Reading

Realize

Invent

Avoid

Leaving

Focus

Concentrate

Praying

Imagine

Visualize

Believe

Write

Diary

Study

Work

Cleaning

Cooking teaching myself

Laundry

Swimming

Gymnastics

Music

Office

Drive

Paint

Know my body

Understand