cute as in pretty
female feminine
Wednesday, July 31, 2024
Transformation of beings
interesting to note the pictures of people and animals and any being as it goes through life's experiences
baby girl and boy are both born cute as a button, a bugs ear
babies are cute and lovable and sweet and innocent
some girls stay girlie some turn burly. some females stay very feminine, some go masculine
some boys stay boy cute some males end up looking like females, some turn very grotestque and ugly as they age
what exactly causes these changes?
SURVIVAL AND THE S WORDS
Survival
Smile SMILE S M I L E !!!
SPIRIT
Sex , sexy
Solitary
Solo
Strong, strength
Single
Sensitive
Separate
steady, stand, strong, stubborn,
soften
spread
share, sharing
succeed, success
Silent....strong
Sell, sale, sales
Sparkle in the eyes
Solidarity (unity, community)
Tuesday, July 30, 2024
Solo is best for accomplishing
After midnight and I finally sit down to write. One of the things I want to do most.
Now that the day has ended (for most people) and I am exhausted I get to spend a few moments writing something.
Solitary activities I/we do:
Creating. Destroying.
Learning. School. Books.
Studying. Reading. Writing.
Reflecting. Praying. Imagining.
Day/Night dreaming.
Eating food. Drinking. Sleeping.
Exercising the physical body.
Composing. Music. Playing instruments.
People are appreciated, remembered, admired, followed, watched for their solo activities. For themselves. For the way they are, what they did and their individual persona/personality.
Entertainment industry. Actors, musicians. Authors. Politicians. Any one in any field of any work or activity is known for themselves alone (even if they are part of a duo, a band or any type of group).
They learned and practiced their arts by themselves. Some are known to have practiced in front of a mirror before becoming famous.
Some began in a closet, their bedroom, a jail cell, an open field.
A place, small or large, that was their place undisturbed and untouched by anyone else. No director, no dictator making moves for them.
Most well known famous people I have learned about began their crafts when they were a child or teenager.
I/we/they/you did it all yourself/yourselves. All by myself. Did not need anyone else's help.
Monday, July 29, 2024
Best exercise
Pushing yourself away from the table, Grandpa used to say
Thinking carefully before you speak, I say
Too many of us have our foot in our mouth most of the time
Once said it cannot be taken back
Respect is what she teaches
"I told you x# of times"
she wouldn't have to say that
IF
you would listen to her the FIRST time
she repeats herself
it is said women talk alot more than men
is this why???
Sunday, July 28, 2024
Males and females
Respect alphas only the most
Male activities consist of accumulating expensive stuff, focusing on the big things like houses, cars and acquiring as much money as possible
They respect men who have achieved those things
The ones I have known have no regard for the little things, have a dislike for deep home cleaning, don't care about matching home decor
Saturday, July 27, 2024
Asleep in class the first few hours in the morning
all through junior high, high school
teachers thought i was sleeping with my head propped up in my hand sometimes and would ask me questions which i promptly answered much to their surprise
mornings never good for me
every job i had where i had to be there at 8 am or 9 did not fare out well
at age 5 i told grandparents i wanted to eat my cereal at night before they put me to bed so i wouldn't have to eat it in the morning. we lived in california.
Things I need to work on
talking too loud
talking over people
being aware others judge me instantly by sight, sound, smell, work results
bragging about myself
giving unasked for advice
pointing out the stupdity and blunders of other people
saying inappropriate things to anywhere especially in public
having an i dont care/give a shit fuck attitude about what other people think
tone of voice, control it so it sounds nice
talking bad about people even if it is true
appearance: clothes, hair, dressing appropriately for the occassion
smell: being clean, not wearing offensive cologne/perfume/soap/deodorant
punctuality
I View from the Top of the World at 956 feet above sea level
one of the highest points of elevation is the best place to get a glimpse of what is going on in the world
ZIP Code: 64137 Elevation: 956 ft Missouri, United States
There was a day when I was a little girl and I was very quiet
Once upon a time when I was a little girl.....
People found it difficult to get me to talk. I was so quiet.
Soft spoken. Well mannered. Never got into trouble.
Always did what my parents and elders told me to do.
Adhered to all rules from teachers in school.
Never walked outside the crosswalk in the street.
The good girl. The sweet and innocent little lady.
"She's so well adjusted" the doctors, teachers, family and friends said about me. Grandma bragged about how good I was.
Ultra sensitive. Thin skinned. Cried easily. Loved animals and people. Thought my stuffed animals were real and had feelings.
That little girl is still in there.
She now has scars from battle wounds. She is healing. Broken heart. Broken spirit.
Scalpel through the skin, fat, muscle and uterus. Twice giving birth.
Broken skull fracture age 6 bike wreck hit cement curb. Concussion top of head car axles falling off shelf at work. Kicked in forehead knocked out age 16. Kicked in the face kickball age 10 school playground. Many other head injuries including cracking my skull on concrete walls and bathtub.
Broken tail bone 3 and more times. Broken back. Broken middle toe left foot. Dozen car wrecks.
Black eyes 3 times. Scrapes, falls cuts on hands feet legs knees arms torso abdomen neck chest...Fingernails dug into the flesh scars.
Tubal ligation and uterine ablation..the doctor gynecologist burned lining of my uterus. Lots of burns on the skin. Iron when ironing clothes burnt my belly I was 5. Cast iron skillet and many pots pans hot dishes burned my hands, fingers and arms.
Scalding hot water and overheated coffee cup put huge blisters on my fingers.
Broken glass cut my hands knives cut my fingers many times.
Rammed through my foot and feet a kids metal jack, broken glass, nails, wood. Stepped on hot bubbling asphalt, sharp rocks.
Rammed large wood splinter up my fingernail on my right index finger age 10.
Cystic acne and chicken pox scars covering face neck chest arms and back. Knife rammed through knuckle on left hand. Slammed hand in car door. Sprained ankles many times.
I'm Frankenstein. Not beautiful. Not cute or pretty.
Makeup can't cover the scars.
Don't look back
Meet new people
Quit talking about the past details
Change my life story by
Being vague, general and avoidant
Ask more questions and listen to people instead of
rambling on and on about everything
Most stuff they don't need to know, shouldn't hear
Lots of great stuff has happened as well as appalling and
unbelievable things
So bizarre they should be told in movie
Not verbally passed on to people I know or to strangers
Types of women according to a man I spoke with, talked to
A male friend of a friend/family member in his 30s told me this one night
"There are different types of women I deal with.....
The kind I won't take anywhere. No dinner and a movie. I don't want to be seen in public with her yet I will go see her at her place. Simply for a fuck. Sex only. No commitments.
The kind I will take out sometimes. She is more my number and not embarassing to be seen with in public.
If either type mentions wanting kids I will stop seeing them. If they get pregnant that is definitely the end of it. For good.
Friday, July 26, 2024
Any abuse abusive treatment I got he said I deserved
Virtually every time I endured the verbal or physical abuse or theft or damage to anything or any car he said it was my own fault and I deserved it because I did some thing wrong
Chuck strand lied said I didn't do what I was supposed to ripped me off 350 dollars for being his caregiver, called me a moron in Houston Texas and he defended Chuck. Stuck up for him and yelled at me.
Many instances happened over more than 30 years
He told me to shut up and do my job every time any employer or employee was verbally abusive corrupt criminal expecting me to do impossible wrong things even against company policies
Each car accident was my fault even when the other people told him it was their fault
And he is Obsessed with the idea in politics that other people should be doing the right things when he stands by and does nothing when I am wronged or anyone else he around is victimized
A run and hide chicken coward
Sometimes he will do the right thing if he thinks someone sees him. If he thinks no one sees he'll do whatever he wants regardless if it's right or wrong
John Layson was similar and verbally abusive.
He admired Chuck and John because they had money lived life the way they wanted, house was paid off, top priority was Mammon, lived alone most of the time. Self centered. Neither were married or had kids. Both obsessed with porn and masturbated often. Gluttons. Cheapskates, tightwads. He thinks that is a great accomplishment.
Negative things, bad things about me I have done
GIVING UNASKED FOR ADVICE ..VERY BAD THING TO DO
Unsolicited information. Nobody wants to hear any of it. This is one of the worst things I have done for as long as I can remember. My grandma Sarah used to do it, too and I resisted most of her unasked for rules and advice, rebelling and not believing lots of things she said when she was "only trying to help".
I remember simply stating the method of applying nail polish I had learned when I was a little girl around age 10. Told my aunt Jeanne Shraps that applying hand lotion was wrong before putting on polish and she looked at me in that way I have seen many times from other people.
Turning the head slightly sideways glaring at me with eyes that say "You really think you know it all don't you?! Who are you telling me what to do, how to do something I already know how to do, a thing I have done for many years. You are just a kid and know nothing so shut your fucking mouth and quit telling me what to do!"
TELLING TOO MUCH INFORMATION ESP PERSONAL DETAILS
INSTRUCTING
ANALYZING
OVER THINKING
TOO MANY DETAILS
ELABORATING
EMPHASIZING
GOSSIPING EVEN WHEN IT IS TRUE INFORMATION
NOT BEING BRIEF
POINTING OUT ERRORS FLAWS MISTAKES OF OTHERS INSTEAD OF MY OWN FUCK UPS. THIS IS PRIDE AND EVERYONE HATES IT
Thursday, July 25, 2024
No, I don't have these
tatoos
makeup, rarely used
false eyelashes
fake tits
big boobs
plastic surgery tummy tuck butt lift or any of that stuff
skinny legs
fake stories
falsifying my life status
fancy clothes
jewelry that is expensive
cologne/perfume parfum that is expensive
clear flawless skin
smooth hairless skin
perfectly balanced and shaped body
I was always the driver
drove my brothers around while they got drunk and did drugs..i was straight sober
parts delivery driver
picked up john layson and drove him to and from work at the flea market for many years. he lost his drivers license and never told me why
Anger issues severe
Stillwell
Marjorie Mae
Larry
Bill WILLIAM
Dorothy ann
John Lee
Sharon
Gerald Olney
Karen sue susan
Michael
sandra and carol not sure if they had same issues
The family encourages madness hate, Hatred hostile hostility fighting attacks threats, backbiting, treachery, theft, hard work, disorder, paranoia, distrustful, accusations, disharmony, unbalance, ugliness,
He says he is going to fight in the civil war if wrong person is elected president november 11, 2024
he has 3 bumper stickers on his car promoting trump maga
he bought a hoodie advertising it
he bought yard signs stuck in our yard
he bought lots of merchandise off sites mike lindell sells thinking it is good to buy products to support the people who are "doing the right things"
I just told him he is putting our lives at risk advertising this stuff and all it takes is one crazy obsessed with politics to see this stuff and might shoot us both blow our brains out
You don't do anything, he says. HE doesn't do anything to enjoy life.
he/she is the one projecting their own failure to accomplish joy onto me and other people
Pubescent beings, girls, boys, females, males
I noticed a dramatic change in myself when puberty began
I noticed it in one particular girl at a place I used to work. Don't know her name but I know her family from a distance. As a little girl she was reflecting the straight face of being emotionalness, a blank stare that both her parents had. Her parents being serious, stern, all business like.
She began wearing the head covering which girls wear when they reach puberty, have menses, monthly periods, bleed, are fertile and ready to become preg/pregnant. It is the practice of that religion; a warning that the girl is now able to conceive.
Her face and attitude completely changed when she became fertile.
The cute look, the face cocked to one side often when she was silent or talking. The sweet smiles. Friendliness. Glowing beauty. Pretty. Prettiness.
She smiles. The sweet smile people love to look at, to see. They wait for it. They try to get me to smile often, attempt to get anyone especially a pretty girl, to SMILE!
The "girl", girlie look.
Sweetness. Innocence, playfulness. Full of life.
Ready to mate, to bear children, to play. Be happy, joyful. Produce offspring.
Wednesday, July 24, 2024
Diabolical mind we have
Dad told me we humans have a diabolical mind.
He died in January 2003.
Dad told me many things, all of which are true and stood the test of time.
Guys trying to pick me up
Guy at QT 2 days ago on wornall 103rd quiktrip wanted my phone number, said they don't make them like you anymore, wanted me to go fishing with him, offered to make me dinner, asked me what i like to eat
guy at the arvest bank yesterday the security guard at the front door appeared to be in his early 30s very good looking trim fit muscular guy smiling at me wanting to help me from the time i entered the bank and when i exited. looking me up and down, big wide smile.
this still happens sometimes. the deal is i am not looking for a guy, a man or a relationship
i am looking for myself
Tuesday, July 23, 2024
These people brought out the worst in me
Because they didn't appreciate my best
And expected me to be there for anything they wanted
Not allowing me opportunity or right tools or circumstances
While they got the best for themselves while watching me suffer
Expect me to be at my best without love appreciation encouragement acceptance
These never supported me business or education or ethics
They don't and didn't listen to me or anyone with common sense about
Record keeping
Deep cleaning
Organization
Honesty and work and basic ethics
Etiquette and manners
Business ownership
Details
Self analysis
Meditation
Patience
Planning
******""*******
Cheaters
Controllers
Dictators
Sadists
Liars
Manipulators
Perverts
Thieves, crooks, criminals, burglars, rapists, physical assault upon me and any being that was weaker, younger, smaller, older
Saw single bird on the high wire
Thought of my grandson flying alone
I told him my vision of him in my open hand and he was a little bird just learning to fly and I gently blew on his back and watched him fly away
That was almost 2 years ago back in September and October 2022
You don't need that" said many times to me
by many different people who don't know each other
you don't need makeup
you don't need college
you don't need to go to school
you don't need a job
you need a job
you don't need to talk
you dont need to buy office programs use the free ones
you dont need fancy clothes
Saw an adorable baby girl around 2 yrs old tonight
While i was standing in line at joanns fabrics and crafts independence mo
She was blonde pigtails going under and around her daddys legs, playing peekaboo and mommy was in line too
Few days ago i saw a cutie blonde girl about the same age at dsw shoe store lees summit mo. She was playing thruout tge store. daddy there she climbed over the small chairs used to sit on for trying on shoes. Her mommy was working there. This baby girl wore kids 33plastic pink rimmed sunglasses.
Gymnastics running stretching bending climbing jumping bouncing..all natural exercise fun activities babies children kids do. We ought to keep moving like that all thru life but we often quit as we get older thanks to society telling us to stop running and teaching us to do inappropriate movements and jobs.
Monday, July 22, 2024
All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope." -- Sir Winston Churchill
"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope."
-- Sir Winston Churchill
I want things nice clean..he doesn't everything is a f**king fight
i want things nice and clean.. he doesn't ...everything is a f**king fight
i want to look nice and the inside of the home to look good
i want nice clean organized orderly home
organization streamlining and order
matching everything like sheets silverware furniture decor colors balance in the rooms
nice meals good food clean dining room table
i want to sit down and have pleasant conversation with nice meals
i would like to have visitors, family, company over sometimes
he piles up stuff all around and puts furniture in one spot rarely moving it
lines up stuff in the hallways
he saves big old black trash bags keeping garbage in the bag longer than should because he is worried about wasting money spent of trash bags and has uncovered cans causing drawing flies insects bugs all kinds of pests
i want to look nice feel good and you don't want to look at me you'd rather stare at a computer or tv screen ignoring me and the entire house we live in
the house inside is full of crap we don't need making it hard to keep clean
the outside of house is cluttered with bug infested crap piles of junk crates containers old chairs bins barrels wood wooden rack stuff up against the house drawing and holding bugs and pests
i can't clean floors properly
cant vacuum as needed
cant decorate so it looks nice
hard to clean anything right
deep cleaning is impossible
cob webs spiders bugs ants millipededs stink bugs inside and outside
he keeps trash in garage with no lid on can it stinks
the inside air pollution has got to be thru the roof in here
i need an instrument to measure air quality
Sunday, July 21, 2024
After the Fact, do something about it. Typical human behavior
Let it slide until it gets so big and bad
Winners and Losers
WINNERS
happy with whatever there is
confident
grateful
optimistic
problem solving
LOSERS
loudmouth
know it all
dont know they dont know much
braggarts brag bragging
do not defend others
defend themselves only
see worst in people and things
poor communicator
focus on problem
keep problems going no solutions
He talks about truth freedom of speech being most important
and has been sucked down the rabbit holes
of following man god leaders
and heavily advertised trash food and products
and insane methods of living hypocrisy a hypocritical life
like the fictional character archie bunker
who treats his wife edith like an imbecile
and his daughter and her husband his son in law like dirt
and thinks this is the normal way to be, to think, to live
he believes he is a true man
and everyone else is lost and blind
i am the only close "family" he has and i am told the shut the fuck up
i dont want to hear you, you are stupid
i am the doormat who doesn't matter
when i know in my heart there is a normal male somewhere who would never treat me like that
i see strangers when i go out who treat their partners like a queen
that is the only way i know this
i dont expect good treatment from him anymore, he is incapable of doing it
i dont expect to find or meet some decent guy
and i dont believe in reincarnation or some afterlife
so while i am still alive i will probably life the rest of my life alone
and that is fine
at least i will feel somewhat safe
Buying selling used new items services
I have experience in all of these
Auctions. englands used to be in grandview missouri. ebay since 2000. Several other auction houses I attended. Hired an auctioneer from hibid.com to sell old stuff out of hoarder house for me and it worked great.
Sales, estate, garage, yard, flash, thrift stores, flea markets, swap shop/ swap meets. Hired people from estatesales.net and that worked out great: they sold for me and gave me some of the money.
amazon (not currently selling at the moment), I did it for many years
In person and online
Businesses. Most major well known stores.
New merchandise
Services
Marketplace fb face book.
Advertising sales newspapers thrifty nickel want ads, raytown tribune, Ad sales on back of grocery store receipts/response systems advertising,
Insurance prepaid legal, water treatment conditioner filtration, nonrun pantyhose, carpet cleaning, ac air conditioner furnace cleaning, electronic service repair, color tile home remodelling products
Early morning rising is not for me so the typical weekend garage sale days and times are not my cup of tea ; thursday friday saturday and sunday 8-5 or the swap n shop saturday and sunday from 5 or 6 am until noon or 2pm or the flea markets usually friday, sat, sun some early morning time start until 4 or 5 pm are not suited for me due to major sleep issues I have always had.
Getting up early never did work good for me. Typical Jobs did not last long or work out well. I did last 9 years of working every weekend sat and sunday at super flea. It was sheer hell. Working with a hoarder a compulsive buyer and fighting with him like dogs or cats in a boxing ring every weekend. Working 2 days felt like I worked at least 5 days. Exhausted.
I lasted 3 whole years as a relief manager at storage companies Storage Trust and Public Storage.
The majority of the world gets up real early and is up and raring to go by the time the sun comes up. Some people get up an hour or two before the sun rises. I typically am going to bed when that happens.
Saturday, July 20, 2024
If i would have taken advice from gma
From grandma
I may not have had a broken back
She told me not to do heavy lifting.
Not Been with ass hole abusive men
I couldnt judge character
She told me to never tell a man anything.. in fact dont tell women either
Each and every being has an enemy, a foe, a predator.
And that enemy could be anybody anywhere.
It might be the one(s) who the closest to you that are supposed to love and protect you. Instead they devalue you, beat you up, stand in your way, eliminate all of your friends, family members and social life. This seems to be quite common in the world.
Some of these people end up killing their "loved ones". For what? Control or rather, the desire to control and inability to do so. Or they might kill just for the fun of it because they are a psycho sociopath whatever medical name you want to call it. Some derive pleasure from inflicting pain upon others and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop them.
An enemy could be a total stranger, a neighbor, an associate, a co worker, a boss or a "friend". It could be virtually anyone.
Whoever you are, wherever you live you won't rest assured that you do have at least one enemy even if you never find out about it, never know who they are.
You can be the nicest sweetest pie of a person to everyone and someone out there hates your guts and seeks revenge upon your life, desiring to destroy it and make you miserable or dead.
Friday, July 19, 2024
Ask a child what they want to eat and they will answer
Candy, sweets, junk, crap, cookies
marshmallows, cereal, popsicles, ice cream
AUTONOMY IS ME: definition of autonomy
All I ever wanted is to be me
It is one of the biggest fights in the world, to be myself amongst the world of people who often try to control and direct me to be somebody I am not
autonomy
noun
au·ton·o·my ȯ-ˈtä-nÉ™-mÄ“
pluralautonomies
Synonyms of autonomy
1
: the quality or state of being self-governing
especially : the right of self-government
The territory was granted autonomy.
2
: self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
personal autonomy
3
: a self-governing state
Cook/chef, seamstress, laundry person, maintenance, cleaning, housekeeper
If you don't respect those who do these "little, inimportant things" let's see what happens when you have
no decent food to eat
live or work in a filthy landfill of a hole
your clothes are falling off of you and are filthy
the whole place stinks and is broken
when you can't find anything
When I was in school as a child and teenager then in my 20s
while .........................
some of the kids were skipping school and proud of it, i was going to school. i never skipped a class
some kids were getting into trouble, getting into fights and going to the principals office to get paddled on the butt, a whipping, and getting suspended i never went there, never got suspended and never got written up for misconduct while riding the school bus
some were into sports on teams such as football basketball baseball track wrestling i was not. the sports i did were weird: swimming, intramural volleyball and i went bowling on my own time once a week
some were barely passing i was getting good grades a's and b's until i almost failed algebra by getting a d
some were cheating on tests and some trying to get me to do their homework and write fake letters for them allegedly from their parents because my cursive handwriting was good, i was studying in class and reading my text books and diligently doing my homework
some were drinking alcohol, liquor, smoking cigs and pot/ marijuna or doing drugs i was clean, i would not do any of those things and they called me suzy straight and stayed away from me worried i would "rat" on them and "get them into trouble" when they got themselves into trouble
some kids were very popular, i was shunned and rejected, a geek, a nerd, scholar and a weird bookworm girl
some kids got an allowance for doing chores, i did lots of unpaid work labor every day: yardwork, mowing the grass, raking leaves, shoveling snow, taking the trash out every week, doing the dishes by hand then putting them in the dishwasher, daily vacuuming 2 story house with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and 2 car garage, washing the cars, the clothes, doing the laundry, dusting, cleaning windows, feeding and washing/bathing the dog, massaging my grandma's and grandpa's neck and shoulders. i learned how to work and clean but not how to manage money until many years later when i was in my 20s thanks to marrying my 2nd husband who had worked at boatmen's bank in raytown missouri
some kids constantly talked about how they hated the teachers i had my favorites and said i like my teachers especially english psychology and science which made me even weirder and stranger than most
some detested school with a passion i loved being in class and learning new things everyday and looked forward to attending college in fact wanted to have life long classes and would often rather go to school than to a job
some kids were very social and street smart i was dumb as a rock when it came to understanding how cliques clans and school politics worked. i am still trying to figure this out to this day
some thought they had to go with or be with someone all the time i was content to be alone, walk alone, work and study alone because that is what i had to do most of the time.
some were friendly and some had lots of friends i had very few friends enough to count on one hand during all my school years from kindergarten to 11th grade
most were pretty healthy most of the time. i would get sick often and end up missing lots of days only yet i was able to keep my grades up because i would do my work at home, study and pass the tests after i got well. if i got a flu or cold virus or bacteria that most are over with in 2 to 3 days mine would often last about 2 weeks
most kids hated tests and examinations i loved and looked forward to tests, another totally weird thing
some were taking regular classes and i was put into the gats club when i was in eighth grade at age 13. gats: it stands for gifted and talented students
some hated to write and i began writing in a diary/journal at age 9 attempting to keep records of my life and figure out why things were happening as they were which i am still trying to do at my age of 63
some had siblings, mine were gone, my 2 younger brothers living with my mother after my parents divorced and i was living alone with my grandparents, my mom's mom and stepdad
some thought i was spoiled rotten, had it easy peezy and thought i was a snob and a brat because i was the "only" child and they had no idea what i lived with in the house of craziness
Two grandsons
He is 20. June 25. One is into mysticism, kind, gentle, understanding. Soft, slow. Sees all sides of things. Medium. Particular. Loves to eat good food.
He is 10. April 11. One is a fixer of things, a cleaner of all kinds. Age zero to 4: Vacuum cleaners, pipes, water, hoses, Age 5 to now blenders. Age 9 to now: airplanes. Fast cars. Loves ice cream, smoothies, fruit, sweets. Steaks, burgers, tacos from the bell. Eggs basted or scrambled. Learning to cook at young age. Learning to clean a huge house young age. Very sensitive to others, kind to life forms/people/animals, insects. He detests sports. He would never confront someone and pick a fight or bully a person or life form. He is one track minded when he sets his mind to something. Fun loving. Spinning. Loves anything that spins. Cries easily. VERY close to me as I watched him many times a week since he was 2 months old to age 9. Will always have a strong bond.
Abuse or good treatment I experienced has nothing to do with...
My age, gender, occupation or location.
Abuse came from the perpetrator who is predisposed to be that way
I've experienced bad treatment, bullying, physical and mental abuse since birth in each location I have been in and every job, house, school and many other situations. I've also experienced fine treatment by nice people in all of those categories.
People act according to what they are not the way I act.
Thursday, July 18, 2024
HE wants it all. Have his cake and eat it, too
He thinks he can say and do whatever he wants without consequence
feels entitled
He thinks he has authority over me and anyone in his path
He believes in masters and slaves, sadomasochism, sadistic / masochistic action
he believes in tying, chaining people up
Rewards and punishments are the strategy
thinks he controls the situation, me, the environment
controlling, control freak
loves to look at any female in anyway he wants
all females are potential sex partners
loves to watch fantasize and fuck dirty sluts, as many as possible
treats the wife, partner, girl friend like a piece of property instead of a human being and expects her to look pure clean demure innocent and all covered up in clothes wherever she is unless it is in his bed with all the windows and doors shut closed up so no one sees or can see or hear anything. the wife is used as a prop to make him look good in public. expects wife to obey him in all ways, to never question anything he says, dos, likes or hate and to agree with everything about him.
is very worried about her "embarassing" him in front of anyone anywhere especially the neighbors
controls the communications as much as possible, the home phone, cell phone and demands to know who she is talking to, who she knows
judges instantly anyone anywhere in person or on tv, cell, internet.
he talks about how other people are disgusting and he himself is a disgust
eats shit, crap, crappy food and wont change his ways about food
he won't listen to simple stuff she (the girl, woman) tells him
fixed mind about all things
calls people bad derogatory names most of the time
thinks because he pays bills he runs the whole house, property and the wife and calls all the shots on everything
some expect the woman to look good young beautiful as pretty as she was when he first met her and he does nothing to keep her happy. he is a dirty mess of a creature, upsetting her in any way he can. he expects the best of her and gives her the worst, acting like a pure d ass hole jerk ..he is selfish, rude, mean, cruel, sloppy, arrogant, hateful, forgetful, nasty, avoidant, neglectful...
my mother put up with this shitty behavior my grandmother constantly fought with grandfather also trying to teach him manners, respect, politeness, empathy, caring and love and he was so fucking stupid he never learned the basics of being a nice human being his whole life of 92 years
INDICATIONS/SIGNS OF NEIGHBORHOOD GOING DOWN
Graffiti
Wild colors on houses, buildings, anywhere such as pink, purple, orange, fuchsia, red, lime green, aqua, bright yellow, lavender. Anything other than earth tone neutral colors.
Trash strewn about as if people can't see or hit the trash can
Broken windows in anything; cars, houses, etcetera
Fast food restaurants/drive thru establishments increased
Casual and upscale restaurants are not there
Service stations selling single solo cigarettes, bins of ice with single serve drinks beverages for sale
Single serving alcohol bottles containers
Fried places: Chicken, fish, burgers, french
Barbecue bbq joints restaurants
Liquor stores
Bus stops
Weed stores
Car washes increased
Pawn shops
Car auto title loan cash for your vehicle places
Cheap stores dollar places
Malls gone, vacant, destroyed
Shabby looking shops with windows filthy inside and out, covered with signs and boxes, bins and any kind of items laying around outside or piled up in the store
Beggars asking money on corners in the streets in any parking lot approaching people for change dollars or standing with signs asking for it anywhere
Sluts walking the streets anytime of day or night
Crack whores or non drug prostitutes seen morning noon day or night on streets or anywhere in the neighborhood
Nightclub skin titty strip bars
Burglary, theft, robberies, stolen automobiles, trucks, property rampant
Burned down buildings
Fires set houses buildings businesses cars trucks
NO movie theater, NO bowling alley, NO skating rink
NO nice malls, large places for entertainment
See people walking around with grocery shopping carts, wearing backpacks, many layers of baggy clothes and see females running around in skimpy outfits like short shorts especially in cooler weather
Wednesday, July 17, 2024
Parasites are the cause of this damaged health and mood
And I don't have a microscope or a lab to test anything so I can find the culprits
Can't prove a thing
Will buy all the natural remedies I have discovered and have both of us use them and treat the cats with what resolves parasites in cats
No m.d. is going to test for anything or fix anything. I have to do it myself . Doctors aren't going to do anything to clean my body and make it healthy.
Olive oil, olives, leaf
Garlic
Onions
Wormwood
Black walnut and hulls
Papaya
Turmeric
Cinnamon
Cloves
Alone I get lots of things done. No distractions. No doors, anchors, road blockheaded people in the way.
No arguments or discussions. No opinions only mine.
July 17, 1927 my father was born
January 28, 2003 his body perished and he left this world.
He never left my soul.
If it weren't for curious explorers, experimenters, scientists, artists we would be back in pre stone age
An unknown number of people have been murdered for their observations, curiosity and notations of such things by those who are resistant to learning and those of us who are full of pride.
EGO of the individual often takes precedence over accomplishment, success, inventions, advancement in any field of knowledge or work
I find it miracluous humans advanced during unknown years here due to density of brain, inability to learn accept differences
In my endeavors I have learned it is almost a fight to the death to show anyone something new, to teach, to be creative and experiment, to use my imagination, explore, delve, go deep, to think, allow my mind to wander and wonder "if" this or that
The older people get the worse they usually are however
It is not limited to the age of the person, it is the individual.
Some are just extremely fixed and rigid in their mind, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, habits.
When confronted with a new way, a different appearance or thing they put up such resistance sometimes they actually kill the person who says, shows or does the new idea or thing.
Tuesday, July 16, 2024
As soon as another person enters the area the attention is off of me
Any person I am talking to immediately diverts their attention to someone else or some animal or some other things in the area. They drop the conversation, change the subject, come up with some excuses to end the talk or activity
I can be having a great conversation with a woman and her attitude changes instantly when a man shows up and she focuses on him
The one perfect person does not exist if
You think they will agree with everything about you and do everything you want and like to do
That would be a duplicate of yourself which doesn't exist even amongst identical twins
Monday, July 15, 2024
930 pm first meal of day july 15 2024
Huge bowl of homemade spahetti with meat sauce and frozen tomatoes
I cooked meat sauce outside due to him complaining about creating heat in the house when its hot outside. Cooked spaghetti noodles in microwave.
Strawberries and strawberry ice cream for dessert
Hour and half later 1130 pm cantaloupe
Done eating for the day.
I weigh 130 lbs. Height is only 5 feet 4 inches due to severe scoliosis. 5 3 3/4 to be precise
Real height 5'6 1/2"
I am twisted over almost 3 inches and lost my ht due to caved in back spine vertabre
Ratio of energy balances itself
Positive negative
Hormones testosterone estrogen estrus
Masculine feminine
Attraction
Repulsion
Powerful, strong
Weak
±++++++++++++++
Masculine female attracts feminine male.
He was repulsed by her, the aggressive pushy masculine politically savvy demo female. He is repulsed by anyone who disagrees with him, differs, doesnt fit in his ideal of a female or male, man, woman or child.
Ultra masculine male is attracted to what type of female?
She still smiled with blood on her face
she still smiled after her teeth were kicked in, out or rotted in her mouth
pig blood all over her (carrie in stephen king book/movie)
shit on by many people
rejected by most
her face is plain or ugly and she still smiles
she was cheated on, lied to, beat up
she was ridiculed, made fun of
after she was slapped, punched, kicked, hit in the head and knocked out, almost killed
after they stole her stuff, her purse, money, id, cards, clothes, belongings
after they kicked her out of the house
after she was fired from her job for doing the right things
after he destroyed and stole her car
she was isolated at home and blocked from having friends, family and gatherings
she was thrown in jail without knowing why
Ways to lose brownie points with me
Rudenesss, being rude to me or anyone
Yelling, screaming
Temper tantrums
Name calling to me or anyone such as calling people stupid dumb idiots
Beating your chest
Bragging upon yourself while cutting someone else to ribbons
Repeating falsities lies untruths especially after you are proven to be wrong
Not admitting ignorance
Not admitting your own mistakes
Focussing on the errors of other people
Never looking at yourself in the mirror
Remaining self righteous and arrogant
Stealing, lying, cheating
Trashing my work
Invading my space
Cruelty and bragging about it, too
The points against him add up and I lose desire to be around him much less have sex . What a fool he is
FALSE BELIEFS, IRRATIONAL IMAGININGS HE HAS
He is full of this stuff
" " put quotes around all of these statements
all women are the same
if you see a naked woman you might get turned on , (speaking to me i am totally heterosexual not in the least bit turned on by a female)
cats love cows milk and it is good for them (even when vet and pet store and all over the internet shows cat should not drink it)
a corona is a ...blank... it is not as defined in websters dictionary, the dictionary is wrong
that person must have gotten the covid shot that is why they got sick or died
You can pull the moisture out of the air but that's not going to cool the air" HE Just said to me
I just got a brand new dehumidifer delivered by amazon for up to a 500 square foot room.
Perfect and am now using in my master bedroom and bathroom
also got 2 antonki units to show the temperature/a thermometer and humidity level
it showed 87 degrees with 67 percent humidity at the beginning before I plugged in the dehumidifier
BTW, this is another MOST STUPID THING HE SAYS AND HAS BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS, THAT THE HUMIDITY LEVEL DOES NOT AFFECT TEMP.
Two old women arguing politics at Sambos restaurant Fall of 1980
I was a waitress at this place. Serving food, beverages, coffee.
these women, old in their 50s or 60s and both overweight short cropped hair and not sexually attractive at all are arguing about who is going to be the president and which one should be
since i know virtually nothing about politics and they ask my opinion i cheerfully chime in and answer their question about who will be the next prez
.................blank of course
oh no way one of the women yells he is the worst .. you are so wrong about that
He calls most people stupid and is afraid of looking stupid. Fear of not knowing everything.
and knowing everything is impossible for one being
it is all in the connections of the universes
Sunday, July 14, 2024
Melt downs he's had
I my hair Bleached blonde from natural brunette color hair
Bought a car without his knowledge
Me smoking a cigarette after I got out of the car 15 years ago he was already arguing with me about something trying to force his beliefs about onto me. Across from home Depot bannister Rd
When I came home from Walk in the neighborhood had beer on my breath choked me
I got bill for tubal ligation and uterine ablation in summer of 2000. Screaming guts out about the charge even though insurance paid for it threatening divorce if I ever put a bill in his name
He choked me when he thought I threw away some kitchen utensils for barbecue
I hired a garage door repair guy to remove auto opener on John Layson House
The mentioning/mention, thought of anyone working on anything that he thinks he can do including all car mechanic work, maintenance of any kind including yard work, house repairs,
Political beliefs he pushes pushed pushing on me and has become angry yelling physically attacking violent
He likes to sneak up on me
coming into my room and behing real quiet
so i put a mirror in front of my bathroom so i can see most of him coming
approaching me from behind or the side while i am washing dishes at the kitchen sink..not making a sound beforehand so scaring the fuking shit of me on purpose
running down the stairs but sometimes quietly when he thinks i am in the basement/laundry room/pantry to check on what i am doing
any room or place in the house or on the property he does this crap
Borderline, paranoid, schizophrenic, antisocial, narcisstic personality issues disorders he has
How in the world have I lived with this situation for over 32 years and survived it?
???????
His mother the cook gardener
She was short fat dumpy porker age 92 at death. Born 2015, November 29.
At 26 she was young thin beautiful gorgeous then after 11 child births, a stillborn at the tenth birth, him being the last one born number 11 and the tenth live child. She had a terrible marriage full of constant fights control battles her pushing her religion on the husband and entire family and anyone around her. She had unhealthy eating styles hormone changes whatever she ended up plump like a ball unlike my grandmother who was only 1 year younger who ended up 108 lbs skinny as a rail
She his mom made a lot of dishes with processed food ... pizza box kits, packaged gravy mix, spam in a can meal with bisquick baking mix canned veg all mixed vegetables
Some things she made fresh
She was very old, 45 years old when he was born so it is to be expected she would be slow to move
Took her 4 hours to make dinner
He became used to that so maybe he expects me to look like her which I don't as I am tall and thin and fast at cooking
he is a fast food junkie
a cookie a holic
snack freak
can never wait to eat until the food is ready be in breakfast lunch or dinner
mother must have given the kids junk snacks like cookies candy pie cake while she made dinner and let them eat til their hearts content filling up on shit crap nasty stuff spoiling their appetite and digestion
None of them wanted me to write or to think
using my brain is a scary situation for a selfish mean ass narc who thinks they control the world yet have zero control of themselves
If it weren't for the internet and the wonderful people, the psychologists psychiatrists and empaths...
I would still be as foolish and lost as I was 10 years ago.
I really get sick of f***king pricks in my life
and came name a few hundred of them
now i need to start using discernment and learn how to better identify them since i did not develop a good ability to use character judgment when i was a girl thanks to my grandmother and my kind heartedness and foolishness and belief in love, that love can really help a prick ass hole, make a toad change into a prince or a king
Divorce decree from October 1980 I got my stereo and typewriter...past shows the future
however the husband perry montgomery stole my stereo and all of the baby stuff i had for my son ricky except the playpen which i was the only thing i had to put him in at the apartment i was staying in belton, missouri while i went thru the divorce filed in july 1980 cass county missouri
perry destroyed my smokey the bear teddy bear i had got and had since i was 6 years old. he knifed it to pieces. he destroyed my car a 1972 plymouth duster, blue, that my grandfather bought for me
as years in my life go by i realize i was meant to write and do music. i danced like crazy since i was 2 years old, loving music and began selling music in january 2000.
i got my first typewriter at age 7 my uncle ken gave it to me and i think perry kept that, too
he stole my high school yearbook 1977 belton high school
Saturday, July 13, 2024
Is it that some get crotchety as they age
Crantankerous
Cantankerous
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cantankerous fixed inflexible
Mean
Rotten
Miserable
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cantankerous
Most important to him
Money
Mammon
Material things
Politics
Control
Criticizing me constantly
Putting me down
His self satisfaction
People love to watch celebs musicians tv movies news shows
And tell me to quit exaggerating
To shut the fuck up
To quit dancing
To quit singing
To quit talking
Good things about being a nobody
Nobody cares
My business is not broadcast publicly in the news
I maintain some privacy in my life
When i die no one is going to cry
No one misses me or will ever miss me
My words mean nothing to anyone
My life is deemed inimportant
I dont have much to lose because I dont have much
I can walk around unnoticed and ignored most of the time
People dont want to take up my time
Nobody cares what I do because I am not a threat to them
I have nothing to be paranoid about because I dont think anyone is watching me
I am not invited
I am not obligated
Not much is expected out of me
I can shop around undetected anywhere I go
I have more time to do anything or nothing at all
I do not have to attend meetings groups events centers clubs unless I feel like it
Nobody cares if I dont show up
No one cares if I wake up
I blend in the crowd scene easily because I am plain and ordinary
I dont stand out
I was 16. Uncle Larry tells me i could never be a playboy centerfold model
Tells me my boobs arent big enough for playboy magazine
And stares at my hips butt and ass guessing my hip size
In inches using his eyes to measure says 38 or 39
Then proceeds to try to get me to give him head, oral sex, suck his dick penis, on his couch sofa after he unzips his pants jeans exposing his rock hard cock scaring me half to death
I am in tears crying my eyes out and lo and behold somebody came to my rescue.. knocked on the front door just in time and saved me from being raped by a man male my fathers brother who was 18 years older than me born in 1943. I was born 1961.
Paul thought he would get access to my body by giving me things
Went to visit this relative of mine on december 21, 2015
so he tried to get me to drink vodka and orange juice.. i refused
he gave me stuff i could sell: a perfect condition carburetor off his old truck, a bunch of harry potter books written in a foreign language
and he attempted to get me to have sex with him, he wanted me to spend the night with him
i wouldn't let him touch me
he was pissed off like a mofo
and sent me a very nasty email i got after i got back home
Crushes I had on actors men when I was younger
Prepubescent, preteen, teen, adolescent, puberty stricken young girl and later on as I grew into a woman/lady female almost grown up adult.
Guys I thought were nice and suitable
Bill Bixby in My Favorite Martian
Robert Wagner, Natalie Wood husband
Robert Conrad
David Cassidy The Partridge Family, musician
Jan Michael Vincent
I Feel Like Moving to another Country, City, Planet
I don't have any family here
No friends
No companionship
I am disgarded, well hated, rejected, ignored, scapegoated
If I were reborn with a different name and lived somewhere new where no one knew me what would happen?
Might still be shunned and hated
This has nothing to do with "self pity". This is based upon facts due to the way I am treated.
What if I am totally self sufficient, living solo solitary alone and happy as can be living by myself doing only what I want to do?
So far the people I have lived with only do what they want to do. I don't see them busting nuts to do stuff they hate or to go out of their way to do anything with me that makes me happy. In fact, they go out of their way to prevent me from doing many things I would love to do.
I Always Cry alone and comfort myself
through everything
thru it all
deaths, funerals, losses, abuse, abusive treatment
i see lots of people posting all their tears and crying on facebook
i don't do that
i keep my weeping to myself
no one gives a shit about me, anyway
why whine?
does no good.
Friday, July 12, 2024
Do lips represent other body parts/anatomy?
sometimes I see some mouths that look similar to a vagina
or maybe an anus
depending on the size, shape, color, wet or dryness
WASTED TIME things I have done/ experienced
trying to be loved, to be like, to be the main source of any one person's anything
believing i could be everything to anyone
thinking i could do anything if i just tried hard enough INSTEAD of doing what I am NATURALLY
My Desk Faces EAST as of a few days ago
after I had a "sudden" inspiration to rearrange my bedroom furniture and things the main desk faces due east and the l shape side faces north
it seems to work so perfectly now. well, great anyway. anything is up for modification and improvements.
I FACE the bedroom door now as I sit at the desk, sit up or lie in bed.
I placed a long mirror in front of the north facing desk/table so now I can SEE him coming into my room and approaching the bathroom, which faces south and is adjacent/connected to the bedroom
ALL LOOKING FOR THE YOUNG SWEET INNOCENT LOOKING GIRL
looking for wanting desiring the teenager teen 20s 21 year old
i personally know and have known these guys/boys/men
there are way too many names to include in the list. it is basically every heterosexual male i have known
Aaron
Alex Alexander
Anthony tony Gonzalez Gomez
Bert very nice guy i dated i was 15 he was 16 maybe should have stayed with him i dont think he would ever abuse anyone he loved his mom mother family and was good to me i dumped him because my grandma told me not to get stuck on one guy and thought it was cute to dump a boy and break his heart
Bill (painter i worked with Hill,
Bob, Bobby, robert, mendenhall
Brice
Carl, Jones
Chris, Christopher
Clayton
Charles , CHIC, Wallace
Chuck (strand, the little debbie snack guy)
Cody Hall limo driver net qt truman rd inde mo
Craig hibbard, Craig the outdoor sign guy met at sams club independence mo, poese
Dan, we dated at age 14 only kissed alot, one of the nicest sweetest people in the world, i dumped him because grandma told me to . he was extremely artistic, musically talented, an actor and ended up in accounting and i think stage work. he was very clean always smelled good very gentle and kind and gave me a gold bracelet engraved with my name with a diamond chip hanging on it.
Darin
David taylor
Dennis, Wilson, kretzschmer
Don, Donald, Rogers
Doug
Ed
Edward
Eddie
Ernie, (Lute, Fantini
Fingers a friend of my first husband trying to get me in the hallway while I am behind my husband
Gary, sanders trying to pick me up at july 4th celebration at a friends house
Guy from oldest country in the world worked at laundry mat Bannister and James Rd name Fadi tried to get me to go to his house
Henry, guy friend of Bob tried to get me into bed
Jeff Jeffrey, Vaters, Justice
Jerry Gerald, last name I forgot an electrician i knew stayed with in early 80s, stillwell
Jim, Jimmy, James, (worked as vendor at super flea, Mccleery, Corsey coursey
John , Wilson, Layson, Meals, Strode, unknown last name tried to get me in back of his van at a restaurant
Joseph Joe sprofera a friend of my dads worked in heating a/c was married with 2 kids tried to get me to go to a motel room with him i was 16 years old, joseph michael vincent roommate of john strode. JOE the friend of Tom Tacy..i was painting joe's house with tom and climbing up and down the ladder joe runs outside to give me food he cooked goat meat stew which i didnt need i had brought my own lunch then at the end of the job we finished joe begged me to marry him right in front of tom.
Karl, Huffman
Ken, Kenny, Kenneth, considine
Kirk
Larry .. (unlce tried to have sex with me on his couch, asked me if i worked under the table when called looking for office work at his business country club heating and air conditiong Wilson, FAT Larry always hung around me at work at mccalls service station talking about sex and eating me out i would run him off,
Michael
Mike many, stone, Wilson
Perry, Montgomery
Paul, allen, dringman
Pete, peter, sjveda, sjeda, svejda pronounced swayda
Phil, Phillip, older saw my picture on fb and friended me like a bunch of other people have
RC martin Roland
Ralph, tijerina customer at super flea brought his wife in told her he was going to marry me in front of both of us and constantly threw money and gifts at me
Richard Rick Ricky, Z orek
Rusty, Denes
Sam Samuel brother of mary martha and naomi, Steele, neighbor in belton mo had severe crush on me came to visit me several times in my adulthood by getting my phone and address from my grandma
Sean
Shawn
Skip, sleyster old man owned part of super flea trying to feed me donuts to "fatten me up", skip the neighbor in ruskin heights tried to mall me in his car one morning after he picked me up walking down blue ridge,
Stevie, Stephen, Steve, (Hosey, Wallace
Terry, when i was 15 he broke my virginity he was 17 and dumped me second time we had sex Jennings , Collins old address 9823 Newton, KCMO
Tom Thomas Tommy callahan, wilson, stitz, wright, presbury
Tim Burroughs nice guy in high school liked me never dated him. he died
Timothy phillips
Tony
Travis , levee
Vern, Peterson, Vernon
Vic, Victor
Virgil , Holmes owned heating and a/c company i was at office worked as telemarketer one eve all people left us alone he accosted me from behind he was huge obese guy scaring me half to death putting both his hands on my tiny boobs from behind me
Walt, Walter mcclure, springhower
William (burns,
Each one of these guys acts/acted like they are/were the only man in the world. As if I couldn't take my pick and be choosey. As if I would want anything to do with them.
Cock of the walk acting.
Some are belligerent, some are pushy, some act entitled, some are sly, sneaking, slithering snakes, some are/were married at the time (most were married) some were single,
Finally realized she doesn't like me at all
H is the first letter of her name
I have to be one of the slowest people to realize when a person really doesnt like me. Took me over 20 years to get this one
She is not blood related . She is an inlaw married into the family.
Behaviors and comments from her.......
Avoided coming close to me when i crossed the street in her neighborhood. Wouldnt walk with me when i talked to old man across the street on halloween.
She will rarely text me or call. Will say stuff in a text or over the phone she wont say to my face.
Avoids eating with me in home. When any gathering of people were there she goes to another room and mingles with others.
Contradicts most things i say.
Never invites me for lunch or any activity just her and I.
Said oh I didnt know you were coming acting disgusted i showed up. I was obviously not welcome.
I suspect is insanely jealous because i am slim not fat and am very intelligent. She commented a couple of times "youre very smart " and "you have an hourglass figure" with a slight undertone of hostility in her voice.
Said "i am not paying you to..., i dont want to pay you to..." even though I would do work I did for nothing if I didnt nèed the money so i was paid very little for time i spent doing work and caring for many years.
I am not treated like the family role I have at all. I am not invited for holiday gatherings, never wished a happy birthday or happy or merry anything.
Her own blood relatives and friends are treated differently from me and warmly welcomed, invited to many normal events, gatherings and holidays.
Accused me of "having a track record of doing bad things like going somewhere with another family member and not telling her or anyone". That comment wrongly made me feel as if i were some kind of common criminal.
I was always worred about her working long hours, having to drive in bad weather,not getting enough sleep, her emotional overeating, her apparent subservience to certain people and doing things she thought she must do to please some people sacrificing her morality ethics and principles. I love her, care for her and am deeply concerned for her and the welfare of her family. She does not appear to know this. I would do what I can to help her with things and this very emotionally trying and upsetting experience she is going through now but she wont talk to me as a friend or family member. I have been through a lot and am very understanding and can see all sides. I dont want to see what I think is going to happen: A divorce and her moving away out of state somewhere and taking our precious family member with her. It could be years before I see precious again, breaking my heart even more than it is already broken.
Everyday I cry because i sensed this cutoff from precious almost two years ago. Summer of 2022 I told precious that i am not wanted there and i cried in front of him. He didnt understand, didnt know and said thats not true, you are wanted. Because precious wants me around as much as possible. She doesnt.
She got mad that my stuff was there, didnt want any relic of me around. She threw away lots of things I bought for precious. Shes trying to eliminate me from his and the other mans memories as if i dont exist and never did. She will never be able to erase me and possess them. She is a fool for trying and believing she can wipe me out and own them.
She is usually really quiet and avoidant whenever I have been around her.
She told me once she is afraid to speak her mind and tends to be attracted to those who do because she cant. I speak my mind and have no fear. I speak truth yet try to use eloquence and never intentionally hurt someone unless they repeatedly and purposefully hurt others and myself. When i realize a person is deliberately mean i will confront them about their behavior then avoid them.
Thursday, July 11, 2024
Some people work too many hours.
This makes me/us out of balance.
We forget what we are working for besides the money.
Don't take enough time out to enjoy much of anything.
Insulting people for their physical appearance is horrible
It is one the worst forms of criticism. Rude, humiliating, hurtful, condescending and heart breaking.
Making fun of another person, being, animal for things they cannot help such as body shape, size, facial features, hair color, eye color
I have been insulted for my nose size, leg/calf size, butt/ass size, boobs/tits/breasts size, those features being too big or too small, of course, in comparison to someone else's nose, calf, ass and boobs. Insulting nicknames have been thrown at me such as "FLATSY" (regarding my chest, small tiny boobs) and "FAT ASS"
I have been made fun of for my twisted sideways broken back scoliosis and the way I walk,
I have been made fun of for my crooked mouth, the left side lip being bigger and taller than the right side.
I know people who have had surgery on their body, breast augmentation enlargement, liposuction fat removal suction, nose surgery, chin implants and the like because someone else told them to do it because that person thought there was something wrong with the woman's natural breast size, genetically inherited facial features.
Hair color is also ridiculed frequently so there are a lot of people using boxed hair dyes and bleaches.
Hair style is also constantly criticized.
My skin is pitted, bad looking, full of acne scars, uneven toned with some red patches and my face has lots of hair upon it. Facial hair : moustache and beard. Extremely bad and embarassing for a woman like me to have. Not so much for a man/boy/male.
I have a lot of scars all over my body. Caesaren scar, scars on my arms, legs, back, neck, front chest abdomen. All over. A dark birthmark I was born with is on my back somewhere in the middle.
Ridiculing, belittling and name calling is BULLYING in order to get control of another person through humilation and domination. It is an attempt to show superiority and negate all of the nice, good things about the person with all of the supposed FLAWS.
Wednesday, July 10, 2024
I could never be an m.d. nurse of today
Can't follow any regimen that is unethical nonsense not logical ran by corporate authoritarian dictator types
Most of us are born accidents, unwanted, not planned
and the parents never have the knowledge of what they are going to get before the baby is born
they can't see the adult result of their sexual encounter
can't pick what hey get
this is not a factory, a store. this is not Walmart where you shop the shelves and choose the child you want to "buy"
ALWAYS FACE THE DOOR IN A ROOM. You can see what is coming, the friend or foe
the enemy or the loving ones
you will know instantly when you can see immediately
if you are blind then your others senses will become stronger and you can sense presences with your body, the air movement, sense of smell, touch...
Books: Read to children then to adults
BOOKS ought to be real, NONFICTION factual, sensible "stories" of FACT that make sense and can be explained
NOT some fabricated fictional nonsense of stupidity
Children are extremely impressionable and believe whatever is experienced via the senses
There is not filter in the baby's brain/system to differntiate between reality and fiction
ADULTS who don't learn the difference between fact and fiction at a very young age will tend to believe in fantasies. Easily fooled, drawn to myths and "magic" and illusions, delusions of anything including grandeur.
IF IT is FAKE, say it upfront, in the title, on the first page, in the summary/synopsis
Some single women I know have it made....
SHARON
AGE 75
widowed (since September 2008) neighbor
Retired career professional
Lives off dead husbands federal pay and/or her retirement income
Has plenty of money income to live on
Has a large nice house and lives alone
Keeps her house clean and decorated exactly the way she wants it
Owns 2 vehicles, a car and a Jeep
Eats out almost daily
Does not have to cook food
Has minimal house cleaning and yard work
Mows grass with riding mower because she likes to do it
Pays for any house or auto repairs
Does not have to live with a male or anyone and put up with any of their shit
Dresses very nice, to the hilt in fact
Gambles freely anytime she wants at the casinos
Freedom, Owns it.
Has no one getting in her way with anything.
She talks freely on the phone anytime she wants with anyone
Has lots of friends and girl friends and hangs out with them for lunch, dinner or anywhere they want to get together
TRACI
AGE 60
Works at home for herself. Farmers Insurance.
Runs her entire household
The ex husband is gone for good in jail possibly forever due to his threats of murder and other psychotic behavior
Has her family, daughters, sons, grandson/grand children over anytime she wants
Cleans out her house freely with no one in her way to stop her
Rids her yard of bs trees/bushes, anything she doesn't like in the way so she can mow it
Used a riding mower when she has time to do the yard
Has no male/man/husband around in the way bossing her around or threatening her life
Eats and drinks exactly what she wants with nobody in her way
Owns a chicken coop and gets fresh eggs and chicks for food all the time
Owns 2 dogs serve as security watch
STACEY
AGE 43
Never married
No children
Career and college professional
Looks like a fashion model, slim trim and beautiful
Wears any clothes she wants and models them all the time putting pictures on the internet
NO man ever tells her what to do or runs her life
Works in medical field industry hospital administration
Respected highly for her intelligence education and abilities
Yoga is one of her favorite activities
Very picky about food. Eats exactly what she wants.
Has many girlfriends
Has had many boyfriends/fiances but no ball and chain to tie her down, ruin her life and abuse her
Travels when she wants and goes wherever she wants
Owns a very nice fancy car
Moves to wherever she wants. Currently in TEXAS state.
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Time, energy, priorities
Some will work and use their time for money and material things as their top priority. They will disregard the work, importance and priority of tidiness, cleanliness, orderliness and organization.
Grandma always made holidays good when I was living with her
1970 to 1977 lived with grandparents full time . Step grandfather and real GMA Mom's mom
1966 to 1970 off and on
They wanted me to call them Mom and Dad but I couldn't because I have a mother and father
They did the same thing with my oldest son so I guess they had wanted their own children they never had any
Birthday cake grandma got me when I was 13 or 14
Topped with dancing girl and boy a record player and records playing music
Not the typical mom great grandma
Not any of these things:
Frigid
Porky
Dumpy
Chunky obese fat
All grey hair
In your business all the time
Laying guilt trips on you, the kids and all the family
Expecting gold jewelry diamond 💎 rings
Expecting a new car
Undermining anyone's efforts
Acting weak
Sitting around watching soap operas stuffing my face with candy carbs pastries cake pie cookies
Whining about my broken back
Feigning helplessness ignorance or stupidity
Monday, July 8, 2024
The winners in life think constantly in terms of I can, I will, and I am. Losers, on the other hand, concentrate their waking thoughts on what they should have or would have done, or what they can't do." -- Denis Waitley
"The winners in life think constantly in terms of I can, I will, and I am. Losers, on the other hand, concentrate their waking thoughts on what they should have or would have done, or what they can't do."
-- Denis Waitley
Old woman and male possesses young girl. Real life fairy tales
She wants to be the baby girl she used to be so she gets all the attention from daddy then boyfriend husband.
Wicked witch in wizard of oz is after Dorothy. Ruby red slippers she wears and clicks heels 3 times back home
stepmother step sisters mean to cinderella. Cindy loses glass slipper at ball
Older evil jealous woman giving snow white poison apple
Prick her finger sewing put her to sleep, the sleeping beauty
Witch takes rapunzel from the mother hides girl in castle with no doors or stairs.
Prince charming king seeks wants desires lusts after, gets the girl each story
Female desires all attention from male. Some think killing, disabling, hiding the pretty girl will leave the male with no choice but to be with her. He still wants the nice young girl anyway.
Boy man wants to get inside where he came from
Male seeks innocent girl. He never wants jealoud ugly wugly hag nag
Energy swapping. Mateability
Countless memories of the uncontrollable force in life that happened to me and others
Desire of oneness, unity
Desire of procreation
Desire to produce more life thru giving birth
Creative desire urge , unstoppable
Expression desire of each unique being
Sometimes he writes the most profound things i can only cry
Words that affect me so deeply I cannot read them out loud.
Female and male seeks complement partner
For completeness. Fulfillment. Joy. Love bond. Desire. Purpose. Natures built in forces to create life, establish and maintain it
Pat was in love. She smiled big and was beautiful
Until she found out he was just after her rent money. Then she frowned a lot.
Sunday, July 7, 2024
A FOOL Compares themselves to OTHERS, to everyone else and tries to be SOMEONE else instead of themselves
and tries to do as they see others do, be as someone else IS and the fact is that each one of us is UNIQUE and can never keep up, will never be someone else
I'm only good for 4 to 5 hours a day of work then need REST and/or NAP Sleep
I remember throughout the years
AGE 5 and UP: Not wanting to get up early in the morning
in kindergarten i lived in california went to school there and we took a nap in the afternoon at school. what happened to this very wise practice today?
Feeling worn out, spent after working about four to five hours then ready for a nap
1987 working as a assistant manager at a gas station.. when working the 5:30 to 2:30 shift having to come home and nap at least 1 hour after work or else I was dead and depressed the rest of the day
CAFFEINE OR SUGAR OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF STIMULANT IS NOT THE ANSWER EVER
IT never cured or fixed the "problem"
Pumping myself up with coffee, tea, sugar, soda, any type of stimulant may temporarily make my brain feel faster and awake but it doesn't change the status or condition of the needs of my body
The problem lies with me thinking that I HAVE a PROBLEM with my own body and metabolism and comparing myself with OTHERS TRYING TO keep up with THEM
Saturday, July 6, 2024
Covert Narc Quiet silent hatred animosity and undermining whatever I say or do
Memories of past behavior of a person I know name starts with "H"
contradicts most things I say
insists on pushing food on him after I have already fed him/them
"stands up" for self using text typing saying things would not say in person
follows rules of government ran med organizations
will work long hours for the money
fascinated with expensive and shiny things in every area: food, jewelry, cologne, perfume, clothing, vehicles
doing regular hh house work is not a thing preferred at all
prefers that everyone else does the "shit" work
leaves huge messes expects me or someone else to clean it up
"hourglass figure" said when I put on a one piece swimsuit
not invited to any holiday celebrations/get togethers
purposely left out of activities and life
Friday, July 5, 2024
I feel bad
empty, used up, in pain physically and emotionally
treated like a doormat
alone except for one person in the house i live in which is husband. marriage on paper
Food made today and recently
homemade cole slaw
brown rice with broccoli, portabella mushrooms, parmesan, potato water, parsley
home made potato salad
earlier today july 4th I ate one eckrich sausage on a piece of gut health bread with lots of mustard, homemade potato salad, cole slaw, a sweet pickle spear, one home grown tomato
around 1 am july 5th ate brown rice with mushrooms mixture
Thursday, July 4, 2024
More vital things
I always wanted to work, to learn . My work means nothing. My curiosity and knowledge mean nothing. My diligence, my efforts , my caring are worthless in the minds of others.
Whatever i was working on was not important to anyone but me
I was being watched, sabotaged, criticized, bushwacked, outdone in all settings of work, school, family, relationships
I have thousands of examples, events that happened to me by many people that i can recall and write about
This behavior is not exclusive to me. It is commonplace human treatment worldwide. To watch, compare, sabotage, seize, steal, cheat, hoard, own, control, dominate.
We all want attention. We want it all. We want everything that looks good, tastes good, feels good. No one else deserves any of it.
You cannot really tell how ethical or nice anyone is. Some appear to be pillars of good publicly and later on found out to be rotten logs in reality.
Learned some vital things in my life
I concentrate best alone in the middle of the night. I cant get much done during the day when most people are awake and busy . Crowded areas and streets are common
Most people make better doors than windows, often getting in my way or getting on my nerves in some way
People tend to be anchors, dead weights
I work and accomplish most thoughts and activities solitary with no interruptions from anyone or anything
People can and will turn on a dime, their moods, feelings , attitudes and actions changing as quick as lightning
So.. i just got interrupted at 3:10 am .. exactly what i was talking about and didnt want to happen.
Raining all night and he gets up and opens the hole he cut out in the floor of my bedroom. He turns on a pump to drain water out of a 6 foot deep hole he dug under my room in the crawlspace. The hole fills up with water. It is riduculous to have this situation. There was no hole dug out under my room until he did it a year and a half ago the fall of 2022 when foundation company he hired came out here digging and jacking up the house. Nothing they did or he has done has fixed the leaking that happens in 3 spots in this house. The basement pantry wall leaks, the outside room he built on the northeast corner fills up with water and now that 6 ft deep hole he dug under my room also fills up with water when it rains. He sops up water using a rag and a bucket in the basement. He refuses to squeegee the water off the floor and push it down the floor drain.
An additional leak he discovered about a month ago is now on the roof vent pipe which he promptly made a tin can cover for and which does not work to stop it from leaking.
There are some jerry rigged things around here he did and dont work right and he wont research what to do to do these things right. My input is never welcome to him nor is anyone elses input. He firmly believes he is right about anything and everything. He says other people just take your money and dont do a good job.
Wednesday, July 3, 2024
It's always a woman : the other one
that catches his eye
she looks at him with doe eyes and giggles
she is cute, adorable, pretty, silly
she is different than what he is used to
she laughs at his stupid jokes and comments
she believes what he says, however ridicuous or false it is
he thinks she admires him and listens to his lies
she acts ignorant as if whatever he says and does is incredible, astonishing and wonderful
she is simple
she doesn't challenge him
she doesn't question his intelligence, strength, abilities
He thinks he has to take charge of whatever I am doing
so it is a big mistake to tell him what I am going to do
Dont be, do, think or say
Dont do what you dont want to do
Dont be where you dont want to be
Dont be where you are not welcome, not wanted
Dont think thoughts you dont want
Dont say what you dont like
Dont listen to me or anyone else
Listen to yourself
Now i realize why I was ousted from babysitting my grandson a year ago in May 2023
I was replaced by a young woman name begins with K
And he told me my grandson age 9 was too old for a sitter, did5nt need one
When the truth is K was actually the new girl addition to his harem and supposedly there to make sure his wife had some food to eat when she got home from work at her 2 days a week job on saturday and sunday home around 730 pm
K hasnt been there on the weekends for the last month he said so this means the screw sex affair lasted one year at least may 2023 to may 2024. She is in her 20s shoulder length blonde hair, has 2 boys from 2 different men, has cystic fibrosis gets disability lives with parents can only go out fri and sat nights, plays beer pong. He says she is shy. Timid. Scared to order food. She was quiet and i heard her giggling while he was talking to her through the guest bedroom walls may 15 2023 when i spent the night.
He was acting funny, peculiar on february 5, 2023 saying i dont want to pay you but i know you took him swimming and bought him food at burger king, 2 whoppers, fries, cookies so i will give you 20 dollars
Driving that new corvette he got in fall of 2022 he picked up my grandson at burger king lees summit missouri that night in february 2023. I said I would have taken him home.
On october 29, 2022 I left his house abruptly after he yelled at me for spraying rubbing alcohol in the air to ward off wasps in the garage because my grandson is terrified, scared to death of wasps. He claimed alcohol spray would damage the paint finish on his car.
People live and people die. You cant depend on them being here forever.
As much as I loved my grandmother when I was five and I didnt know she was going to die. At my age I thought she and mom and dad and brothers and the rest of my family were alive forever.
Have to find something to do not based upon a person i love
Not religion. I am not religious.
Not political.
Not any particular group or single person.
No person is reliable including myself.
We all have problems .
We all perish.
Monday, July 1, 2024
Beauty duty honesty, faithfulness is no guarantee
Of loyalty and faithfulness from the partner, person, spouse, friends, coworkers or anyone
I choose what I see and do
And where I go
Who i interact with
What I think
What I read, watch, smell, own or disown
Tossing stuff and not eating just anything means I gain considerably
In freedom and health
I am not giving up anything
I gain everything good
Just have more room to move, to breathe, be healthy, be skinny
People love to watch shows/movies about how stupid people are
and not see themselves as one of the characters in the show
it is called pointing the finger at others
not self reflecting
can't see further than the nose beyond their own face
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