Now I know why people of similar upbringing and backgrounds usually get together and the relationship seems to last longer than those who get together from very different backgrounds.

 Now I know why people of similar upbringing and

backgrounds usually get together and the relationship seems to last longer than those who

get together from very different backgrounds.

I am working alone, all by myself. Health, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my solo active duties in my life

 I am working alone, all by myself. Health, physical, mental, emotional and

spiritual health are my solo active duties in my life.

Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

I need a year of self chosen solitude.

 I need a year of self chosen solitude.

Sometimes written letters are better than spoken words. I can finish my thoughts when I write.

 Sometimes written letters are better than spoken words. I can finish my thoughts when I write.

"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

 "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

-- Carol Burnett

"Fortune favors the brave."

 "Fortune favors the brave."

-- Publius Terence

"The difference between failure and success in life is how you deal with problems."

 "The difference between failure and success in life is how you deal with problems."

-- Anthony Robbins

"I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature."

 "I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature."

-- John D. Rockefeller

"Concentration is the secret of strength in politics, in war, in trade, in short in all management of human affairs."

 "Concentration is the secret of strength in politics, in war, in trade, in short in all management of human affairs."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Perserverance: Stick to it. Stay focused.

No one needs to be pushed and prodded.

 No one needs to be pushed and prodded. I know what I want, I know what I like.

Children know what they need, want and like. They don't need to be forced or

coerced into choosing their dreams and desires.

Has automation gone too far?

 Has automation gone too far? 

Next thing you know we will all be hooked up to feeding tubes, unable
to chew and feed ourselves on our own.

 Is it luck, fate and destiny or is it curiosity, will and determination?
Is everything fixed in stone or is it pliable, flexible and open to opportunity?
Are we stuck in ruts or are we able to adapt, change and mutate?

12-30-2020

First thought feeling is "God", second one s "Devil". The first impression is true, the second one is false.

First thought feeling is "God", second one s "Devil". The first impression is true,
the second one is false. 
False beliefs cause misery, sadness, unhappiness and unnecessary strife.
True knowing and belief cause joy, happiness and a peaceful life.

Many years ago I met a woman while I helping clean a friend's house.
She told me this truism: the first thought is god, the second thought (doubt) is the devil.

God and Devil are figures of speech, interpretations of our feelings, our guts
we are all naturally born with and need to pay attention to constantly.  Intuition,
instinct. 

Fighting is resistance against nature and truth. Allowing is peace, cooperation, compliance. The fight and battle ends when I understand what is true.

 Fighting is resistance against nature and truth. Allowing is peace, cooperation, compliance.
The fight and battle ends when I understand what is true.

Ridicule shows ignorance. It is a marked display of not knowing or understanding.

Ridicule shows ignorance. It is a marked display of not knowing or understanding.
First they ridicule me, mock me, make fun of me. They try to humiliate me with scorn and
skeptical faces. Those people do not understand, don't want to know and are
content in their ignorance and stupid ways.

I have done this and acted this way in the past. I was a child and simply 
mimicking the tragic and hurtful behavior of adults around me who were
also taking on the erroneous beliefs and opinions of other misinformed people.

12-30-2020 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

"You can temporarily control my actions in your presence but you can't control my thoughts."

 "You can temporarily control my actions in your presence but you can't control my thoughts."

This is a realization I had when I was a teenager living at home with my grandparents who
were very "loving" and also very very controlling by nature. 

This knowing, realization, epiphany holds true today and for all time in my life.

The self will, the will of the self,  is indestructible and uncontrollable. 

12-29-2020 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

It's amazing what one can do when left alone to do it. Focus is the key. Allow no one to distract you from your thoughts.

 It's amazing what one can do when left alone to do it. Focus is the key. Allow no one to distract you from your thoughts.

12-29-2020  Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

Regression: remembering myself and who I am from my childhood, youth, teens, 20's and 30's and so on is keeping me young and unchanged.

 Regression: remembering myself and who I am from my childhood, youth, teens, 20's and 30's
and so on is keeping me young and unchanged.  Memories, pictures, tokens, talismans
help keep the regression going.

12-29-2020  Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

Two weeks ago I taught my 6 year old grandson how to gargle and to quit using huge amounts of toothpaste and leaving globs in the bathroom sink.

 Two weeks ago I taught my 6 year old grandson how to gargle and to quit using huge amounts of toothpaste and leaving globs in the bathroom sink.  A couple of weeks before that I bought him
a kids cup with toothbrush because I wanted him to stop putting his mouth on the bathroom
faucet to get water when he is brushing his teeth. The mouth on a faucet is an
absolute no-no and is like someone drinking out of the main milk or beverage container
and leaving germs, bacteria and who knows what in it, contaminating the entire 
contents of the container.

I do not know where he learned to put his mouth on the faucet or why or who
but that behavior has to stop for the safety of himself and everyone else. 

12-29-2020  Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

Do the right thing even when no one is looking. One lesson taught to my grandson last week.

 Do the right thing even when no one is looking.  One lesson taught to my grandson last week.

12-29-2020 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

I talk to myself more than anyone else I know. I am learning to listen to that self more and more.

 I talk to myself more than anyone else I know. I am learning to listen to that self more and more.

12-29-2020  Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

Childhood is permanent throughout adulthood.

 Childhood is permanent throughout adulthood.

Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

Now I know why people of similar upbringing and backgrounds usually get together

Now I know why people of similar upbringing and

backgrounds usually get together and the relationship seems to last longer than those who

get together from very different backgrounds.

Childhood is permanent throughout adulthood.

12-292020   Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

I am working alone, all by myself. Health, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my solo active duties in my life.

 I am working alone, all by myself. Health, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my solo active duties in my life.

12-29-2020 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

My patience is outstanding tremendous and exemplary

You can take the man or woman child out of poverty but you can't take the poverty out of that child.

 You can take the man or woman child out of poverty but you can't take the poverty out of that child.

Childhood is forever. Teachings, upbringing, parenting, learning is formed from

conception throughout the teen years and stays there forever. Solid memories
formed in the base of the brain, all of the cells in the body.  Permanent. Stamped.
Engraved into the soul.

Personalities remain the same. People's personas don't change much throughout their life. Animal personalities are the same.

Personalities remain the same. People's personas don't change much throughout their life.
Animal personalities are the same. 

I have observed this phenonemenon during my 59 years of life. 

One phone call, one person can change your life quickly.

 One phone call, one person can change your life quickly. 

12 Signs You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse (Plus How to Get Help)

 https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#restlessness

Me March 14, 2014 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

 Me March 14, 2014 Sarah Wilson Montgomery Mertz Stillwell

LeRoy Mitchell obituary March 21, 2018 My step grandfather married my grandma Sarah Spainhour Dringman in 1951

Just found this obituary today!

LeRoy Mitchell obituary March 21, 2018  My step grandfather married my grandma Sarah Spainhour Dringman in 1951

https://parklawnfunerals.com/obituaries/mitchell-leroy/

Mitchell, LeRoy

November 8, 1926 — March 21, 2018

LeRoy Mitchell, 92, made the final table on March 21, 2018 at Research Medical Center in Kansas City Missouri. Celebration of his life will be on Tuesday, March 27th at 7:00 pm, St. Paul’s Methodist Church in Raymore Missouri. Officiated by the Reverend Pastor Monty Stratton. No flowers please, donations in his name, to the Veterans Administration or American Heart Association, would be a great way to honor him.

LeRoy was born November 8, 1926 in Kansas City Missouri. At age 18, he enlisted in the Coast Guard and served in World War II on the USS Knoxville Frigate #64 in the Atlantic. He was very proud of his service and told many stories. He graduated from Missouri Valley College in Marshall Missouri in 1950 with his Masters in Education. He met and married his lifelong love Sarah Spainhour-Dringman in 1951.

Leroy had a distinguished career in teaching and coaching for 57 years in the state of California and in the Hickman Mills and Ruskin school districts in Kansas City. He retired from teaching in 2007.

Pops loved to play poker and enjoyed his poker league and many wonderful friends he played with. He loved to travel and collect rocks. He was an avid gardener too. He was a brilliant man who loved math and science. He was a master of the Fibonacci Code and the golden spiral. He loved to do crossword puzzle‘s with his buddies at McDonald’s. Leroy loved to read and spend time with his “library ladies”. Poppy was an avid Chiefs and Royals fan and loved to watch tennis and his boy Rafa Nadal. LeRoy was quite the outdoorsman, he loved to fish and hunt. He also loved to coach, referee, and ump any sport. He also enjoyed “working out” with his buddies at the Belton wellness center.

Leroy was preceded in death by his beloved wife Sarah Mitchell. Leroy had no children and is survived by a very loving, blended and adopted family. Kenneth Mitchell, Shana Mitchell, Kody Mitchell, Paul Dringman and Myrna Lowe, as well as step grandchildren and step great grandchildren and many other beloved family and friends.

Leroy was a wonderful husband, stepfather, grandfather, coach, and a loyal friend to many. Poppy was a good man and will be missed terribly.

 https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/details?name=william%20schraps&rid=0xl

William Richard Schraps Deceased Dec 2006 (age 64)

Current Address

1032 N Lincoln St

Stockton, CA 95203

Previous Addresses

1032 N Lincoln St

Stockton, CA 95203

(May 2006)

PO Box

Taos, NM 87571

(Aug 1993 - Aug 2005)

623 Paseo Del Pueblo Sur #A

Taos, NM 87571

(Aug 2005)

Possible Relatives

Jeanne L Schraps, Paul Kurt Schraps Sr, Apollo P Schraps, Paul K Schraps Jr

Possible Associates

Antonio R Lopez

Victor Springhower of Raytown,MO was one of Walt & Alice's dozen children .My grandmother was Sarah Elizabeth Spainhour born December 22, 1916 died Dec. 2, 2008.

Her siblings: Walter Spainhour (who changed his last name to Springhower), Jeanne in CA (Jeanne L Schraps), Ken Spainhour in CA, Ruth Spainhour of Kansas City, MO

Vic Springhower was my mom's 1st cousin. My mom, deceased 12-14-2003 is Ruth Louise Dringman/Wilson/Foust. Her mom Sarah Elizabeth Spainhour was my grandmother, who I was named after

Bannister Auto Parts Kansas City, Missouri

 Bannister Auto Parts Kansas City, Missouri

1107 E Bannister Rd 64131
(NOW is the new business Cabinets by King LLC 

https://cabinetsbyking.com/contact-us/)

1995 1996 job
This was my first job as an auto parts delivery driver. I drove an
average of 150 to 250 miles per day delivering parts all over
Kansas City, Overland Park, Olathe, Lenexa, the greater KC area
I took a notepad with me and jotted down every place I went for
months so I could see how many miles I drove.

owner, John Hetherington
He also owened Top Buy Auto Parts, where I also
worked for awhile after John re hired me when I walked out
one day due to Randy screaming his head off at me and Bobby
--randy's face turned so bright red I thought his head would explode
and blow right off of his rotund body--
and due to Aaron's disrespectful disgusting revolting comments on a daily basis

Aaron Hetherington, delivery driver, hobby as a musician played drums/guitar
I think; a Sagittarius with the absolute filthiest mouth
I have ever heard from a man or a woman, John's grandson https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/details?name=Aaron%20Hetherington&citystatezip=olathe%2Cks&rid=0x0

Current Address

15209 S Alcan St

Olathe, KS 66062

Phone Numbers

(913) 707-5154 - Wireless

(913) 440-9113 - Landline

(913) 894-2327 - Landline

Email Addresses

jahdrum@hotmail.com

jahdrum@yahoo.com

jahdrum@iwon.com

Associated Names

John Aaron Hetherington, John M Hetherington, John T Hetherington, Jo Hetherington, John T Hetheringto, John A Heggherington, Aaron Heterington

Previous Addresses

13120 W 96th St

Shawnee Mission, KS 66215

(Jul 1994 - Oct 2020)

12730 S Cardiff St

Olathe, KS 66062

(Apr 2018 - Mar 2019)

13120 W 96th St

Shawnee Msn, KS 66215

(Oct 2005 - May 2018)

Alan Hetherington, Aaron's uncle, a super nice guy who ran the office,
did paperwork, was in charge of payroll

John, parts counter
Brad, parts
Randy, parts
Bobby, delivery driver

Angel, delivery driver

Car Quest Auto Parts 8900 Troost, Kansas City, Missouri

Car Quest Auto Parts
8900 Troost, Kansas City, Missouri

I worked here back in 1995/1996/1997
I was a delivery driver 
Tom had promised me I would be working in the office when he
hired me as a driver but it never happened so I ended up leaving this
job and going to work in the office at Troost Muffler by 63rd or 64th
and Troost in Kansas City, MO

Knowing what I have learned about people especially in the last few years,
I can assume he is the same as he was then around 25 years ago.
He had just gotten married and said his wife wasn't the prettiest but she
was a virgin, I think he said. Important to him, I suppose. If I remember
correctly he was catholic. One of those religious ideas and beliefs about
virgins (and whores).  

He was cunning, shrewd, lied (other people told me about this when I
was hired and I did not believe it until I realized he lied to me then found
out he lied to co workers at the auto parts store, withholding important
information about money being automatically taken out of people's paychecks.
I went into work one day and my co workers were very upset that they had
no check that week. The machine shop guy had tears in his eyes and said
"I have a family to feed".  It hurt me so much to see them upset and crying so
I did something about it. I faxe a one page letter from Tom's office to the main office
in Virginia that said "What kind of a company is this?"
Tom wrote me up for insubordination for
defending my co workers and said if I do anything out of line again he
would fire me. I had enough and got another job working at a repair shop.

Tom WAS a smooth talker, indeed, having the graceful voice of a Libra.
A hard worker, a good salesman, very dependable and insisted that no one
should miss a day's work for any reason (probably due to his upbringing).

I wonder what he has been doing all of these years and what is he doing now.

Suppose I can find out through social media......

found it !  https://www.facebook.com/tom.callahan0

He is married to Denise Ann Callahan Watts, 25 years now.

wow!! My memory is good. That pic of their wedding day is exactly how
I remember him looking. 

Tom Callahan, (Thomas) the store manager, a Libra.

probably this guy Thomas Patrick Callahan born October 1963
https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/details?name=Thomas%20Callahan&citystatezip=Mission%2C%20KS&rid=0x0

Current Address

14671 W 141st St

Olathe, KS 66062

Phone Numbers

(913) 829-1762 - Landline

(913) 486-5062 - Wireless

(548) 274-3228 - Landline

(816) 274-3228 - Wireless

(913) 831-2078 - Landline

Associated Names

Tom Patrick Callahan, Thomas D Callahan, Thomas P Ralston

Previous Addresses

1045 Rockdale Rd

Dubuque, IA 52003

(Jul 2001 - May 2020)

6616 Lowell Dr

Shawnee Mission, KS 66202

(Jun 1995 - Sep 2002)

5300 SW Topeka Blvd

Topeka, KS 66609

(Apr 1998)

email Addresses

tcallahan1137@rediffmail.com

tcallahan1137@bellsouth.net

tcallahan1137@comcast.net

 I was 34 in 1995 and he was close to my age,
maybe a couple of years older. He had a bald head on top and dark hair on the sides

Dave Powers, delivery driver, Sagittarius. In his 60's at the time. Very nice and
excellent driver

Glen ? In his 60s at the time. 

Roy ?

Donnell or Donell Smith, parts counter, Capricorn. About 10 years older than me.
Ran into Donnell at HyVee in Raytown, MO on 350 Hwy about a year ago back
in 2019. Super nice guy. 

 I will never be finished doing anything. Nothing seems to be over and done with.

I wanted to write a book or books but it has come down to posting on this blog
that is probably only read by me. 

I sell FREE dreams. Free to all. Just grab them. They are yours.

 I sell FREE dreams. Free to all. Just grab them. They are yours.

 He thinks he IS the creator, the source of all things. He thinks he is GOD. He 
believes he is in control of all things yet he cannot control himself. 

He wants to believe he is the controller, the dictator, the one who has the last 
word on everything.

He thinks he is in control. He is afraid.
He is scared. He is fearful, worried, tense and anxious.
He expects instant results with everything. 
He lacks understanding and patience.

He is forceful, mean and hateful.
He lacks appreciation of the tiniest things in life.

He takes upon the responsibility and the credit for all things that happen
naturally. 
He fails to understand the source energy that is ALL.
He is part of this universal force, flowing with it like a tiny creature
in this ocean of life and death. 

He believes material things and money are the most important things in life.
He always asks How much did that cost (money wise) about any and every thing
instead of How does that make you feel? 

He is frequently miserable, upset, pissed off, ticked off, aggravated, unhappy,
resentful, vengeful. 
He won't allow himself the feeling of pure joy in the little things like
breath, sunshine, scenery, nature.

He questions the validity of all things and requires "Proof", "evidence"
that any particular thing is real and that it is going to Pay off, that is is
"worth the effort", that it is "valuable"

He often views time, people and things as a "waste of his time"

He watches movies and doesn't understand the meaning, the moral,
the story, the truth, the point. He really doesn't understand what is going on.

He frequently says "I don't understand", "I can't understand", "I don't believe it"
"That's crazy", "We are in BIG trouble", "That's a bunch of crap"

He is worried about things completely OUT OF HIS CONTROL like the weather,
for instance and does not concern himself about things he CAN control
regarding his behavior. He LOOKS at others constantly judging them
and doesn't look at himself and judge his own feelings, thoughts, actions, words.
He thinks he knows what other people, literally everybody, SHOULD BE DOING
and often feels like he really doesn't know what to DO with himself.

He is lost. He doesn't want to be found or found out. 

He is a skeptic/sceptic. 

He searches for perfection in others, always looking for that perfert girl,
the perfect woman yet does not attempt to work on himself and
his attitude.  He shows his
nastiest and most hateful self to the very woman he is married to and 
supposed to love. He shows his best and better and nice personality to
the outer world, to strangers, to neighbors, co workers, acquaintances
and anyone and everyone except to the one he lives with. 
He falsely believes he is better than everyone else, smarter, more 
intelligent and capable. His ego is out of this world yet down deep
inside he feels incapable, lacking, inferior, worthless and stupid.
Yes, he really feels like a total stupid idiot most of the time and that is 
why he attempts to make his wife woman feels just as stupid as he feels.

God forbid that he praise his wife, worship her and truly love her and
appreciate anything about her or put her on a pedastal. No, he must try to
shove her down under his cloddy feet dressed in heavy boots that sound
like Frankenstein when he tramps through the house stomping up and
down the stairs noisily. 

I am self driven. I am self propelled. Nature gave me the guts I was born with.

I am self driven. I am self propelled. Nature gave me the guts I was born with.
I know what I need. I know what I want. 
I don't need anyone to tell me how I feel, what I need and what I want.

I find this to be true of all of the life forms I have witnessed during my life.
We know what we need. We know what we like. Simple as that.

The flea in the jar story.

The flea in the jar story.
Now I know I am out of the jar.
I am free to jump around anywhere I want, mentally, emotionally and
physically.

A flea put into a jar with a lid eventually quits trying to jump out of the jar
after it keeps experiencing hitting its head on the lid of the jar.

Human beings put tight lids onto jars and try to keep people, pets
and other life forms into containers, restricting their freedom and growth.

This has to be one of the worst crimes of nature inflicted by humans upon 
other humans and creatures.

I've been operating at a small fraction of my potential.

I've been operating at a small fraction of my potential. 

Restrictions, limiting belief systems of others, false beliefs I had taken 
upon myself have blocked me like a cork in a bottle, containing
and holding my desires until they are ready to explode.

Now that I am aware of this fact, I fully realize this truth
there is no stopping my spirit from achieving all that I want to experience. 

The best defense is not to be offensive in the first place.

 The best defense is not to be offensive in the first place.

When I use the common sense I was born with I am as smart as a goose.

 When I use the common sense I was born with I am as smart as a goose.

 Some people are like a great big hiccup.

 My entire life has been about being and remaining myself. Following my inner direction
amongst some people who try to force me to be someone I am not.

Why do people change so much in their looks as they get older? Why do I still look the same?

 Why do people change so much in their looks as they get older? Why do I still look the same?

 Thank you my friend, John, for explaining this thing about porn
and how butts are a real turn on. He was talking about thongs he
has seen and how they show the whole butt. I told him I have a
bikini thong and he nearly melted and collapsed on the floor, shaking.
At 74 years old he is.

He said a guy watches this stuff because maybe there are things
his woman/wife doesn't want to do and it fulfills his fantasies.
He still loves his wife even though he watches this stuff.
(Funny,, I don't watch porn and have felt totally unloved
and hated and unappreciated by men in my life who watch this stuff)

I told him my husband has instructed me I can't wear this thong
bikini out of the house.  He gets angry, upset, even violent
if I wear anything exposing my bottom. He has become angry
many many times when I go outside and he thinks anyone can
see my ass. If the neighbors see that, they will want it.
You will have every dog in the neighborhood chasing you.
Back in the summer of 2007 or 8 I came home
wearing cut off jean shorts after painting a house and he
blew up at me.. I didn't know why
because he said "You can see your butt cheeks hanging 
out of those shorts when you bend over". and the man who owned the house
who was a friend of Tom Tacy was begging me to marry him
standing out in the yard in front of his house.

 I didn't understand. I am still trying to figure this out.

And my whole life I was told that being smart with brains matters most
I have never been appreciated for having brains in my head.
Getting a job has always been a joke.
They don't care about brains in the head in the skull.
They only care about ass cheeks.
And how round they are.

Envy is useless.

 Each one of us are like a tree. Growing individually. Branches and roots going in many directions.
Restricting the growth of another person is the worst crime. 

 I'm a water lily. Not a penguin. Said this for many years.

If you could be anyone who would you want to be? Myself. I only want to be me. That's all I can be.

If you could be anyone who would you want to be? Myself. I only want to
be me. That's all I can be.

A question my son asked me several years ago. He said, "Hey, Mom. If
you could be anyone, who would you want to be?"

I need 90 days of solitude and complete freedom.

I need 90 days of solitude and complete freedom.

Positive thinking is good. However, it won't be possible to have a positive attitude if your microbiome, biology, your body is not fed with the proper nutrients. Positive thinking will not overcome malnutrition.

Positive thinking is good. However, it won't be possible to have a positive attitude
if your microbiome, biology,
your body is not fed with the proper nutrients. Positive thinking will not overcome malnutrition. 

Positive thinking will not overcome the negativity from other people who
suffer from malnutrition and poor upbringing.

Food and drink is mood. What are you eating? What is eating you?

 Food and drink is mood. What are you eating? What is eating you?

Happy wife, Happy life.

 Happy Wife, Happy Life.

You're beautiful when you are in your element.

You're beautiful when you are in your element, he said.
Everyone is, I said.

Cats and dogs are carnivores.

Cats and dogs are carnivores. 
Why do people feed them cereal and grains and rice and vegetables?

What (common) sense does this make?

Who started this trend of feeding carnivores food they wouldn't
eat in the wild?

Someone out to make a lot (a ton) of money using cheap stuff to feed the animals. 

Sleeping Beauty woke up today and was her usual Snow White Cinderella.

 Sleeping Beauty woke up today and was her usual Snow White Cinderella.

She (I) got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the kitchen floor and stairs
after I swept them with a broom sprayed with a mix of water and tide laundry soap.

She put all of her pillows and huge white Valentine Teddy Bear in the clothes dryer
to kill whatever parasites are lurking in the fibers and stuffing/material.

She is washing her sheets, pillow cases and her husband's dirty blue jeans.
He works very hard on many things and gets real dirty/filthy. The last few days
he has been working on the brakes on a friend of ours car. Our friends
Mike and Debbie/Debra.

She vacuumed the oriental rug in the living room, the master bedroom,
middle bedroom and hallway.

She is going to wipe down the kitchen cabinets and wood work with some
furniture polish and lemon oil.

She has been fasting, drinking only water and hot tea,
since last night's nice and wonderful dinner she cooked. 
She was up at 10 am, went to the bathroom and went back to sleep until 1:00 pm.
She woke up because she had to go (use the rest room) and soon became 
active cleaning up this house.

There are many different things to eat in the refrigerator that she made
and the pantry and freezers are well stocked because she has spent much
time planning grocery lists and shopping so we have plenty of variety.
She is not hungry yet and will wait until the pangs hit so her system
has time to activate hunger and tell her what she is hungry for.
She doesn't know what her husband will be hungry for and it is okay
because she knows that we have whatever he wants... unless it is fast food
like Taco Bell, one of his favorites, or Subway, Arby's, Church's Chicken,
Pizza at Minsky's or Domino's, Big T's Barbecue BBQ (he like beef and ham;
I like beef and pork)

A dead horse stays dead no matter how many times you kick it.

 A dead horse stays dead no matter how many times you kick it.

What is the difference between stupidity and ignorance?

 What is the difference between stupidity and ignorance?

I need a bathroom faucet that works right: it doesn't leak or drip and the stopper works right.
Gooseneck, tall faucet, single handle control. 

 The way I look is a reflection of the way I am treated.

I cooked the dinner last night.

He said he was going to take me out to a "nice place"
yesterday and the day before. He didn't.

I knew he wasn't going to take me to a real nice place with elegant dining
so I did it myself. 

Broiled steak, crab legs, shrimp in the shell, baked breaded fish for him,
baked potato, corn on the cob, salad and a dinner roll 

When I was a child I only had to walk a few blocks to school regardless of where I lived. Thanks to my parents and grandparents. Maybe I should follow suit and walk a few blocks to work from where I live now.

 When I was a child I only had to walk a few blocks to school regardless of
where I lived. Thanks to my parents and grandparents.  Maybe I should follow
suit and walk a few blocks to work from where I live now. 

Where would that be?

At home is the closest

Oakwood Country Club
Worldsmart LED  (on Thanksgiving day my friend Tony
said he was friends with the owner, from India)
Home Depot
Cabinets to go Kansas City
Firestone Complete Auto Care
Manila Bay Thaw Thaw

Cornerstones of Care Spofford Campus
Hardees
Wendys
Nob Hill Apartments
South Patrol Station Kansas City
Shadow Creek Apartments
Pipefitters Training Center

Truepeoplesearch a very good website

 https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/

 It's not that I am not convincing enough, it is that he has a preconceived notion
that women are stupid. People are stupid, people are idiots.
This is a belief system he grew up with in his family. 

If I say it, buck it. Trash it. He has to hear the same thing from someone
else before he will take action. 

 Yesterday he finally said he is getting rid of this old rotten carpet in this house.
I said, "Thank God or whatever it is. Thank the energy of the universes for
finally getting rid of nasty carpet."

In the meantime it is still here. Over 50 years old. Full of who knows what
mold, fungus, mildew, bacteria, bugs, fleas. I have been trying to get rid of
this old rotten carpet for many years, at least 20. I think it is the source
of illness here. 

Every day is a holiday.

Every day is Thanksgiving.

Every day is Christmas.

 Why have I always referred to females/women as lady?
Maybe my mom taught me that. 

Just read some letters from my mom from the 1980's and 90's. Heart wrenching
tears. 
We used to hand write letters to each other. I wrote letters to a lot of people.
These few letters are all I have left. 
I have a Christmas card from 1996 from my grandma Sarah
and a letter she hand wrote to me. 
Tears to my eyes and joy to my heart from memories.
I can cry and be happy at the same time 

Stuff is nice to have. People make you happy. People make your life. Pet animals make your life.

Stuff is nice to have. People make you happy. People make your life. Pet animals make your life.

Cedarcide. Pest control naturally.

Cedarcide. Pest control naturally. A nice lady at Walmart 117th & Metcalf in
Overland Park, Kansas told me
about this last night. She works for Spectrum and had a display in the aisle at Walmart.

I showed her a flea comb I was buying and she told me about this wonderful product
line. She said she uses this to control fleas and bugs and she said she has
marigolds surrounding her garden.  Marigolds are a natural bug repellent.
Told her I managed to have 2 marigold plants around my garden this year.

Wish I would have asked her name. 

I have the same interests since I was a child, a teenager and young adult. I see that this is true for many other people I know.

 I have the same interests since I was a child, a teenager and young adult.
I see that this is true for many other people I know.

I know what I prefer, what I like and don't like.

What happens when you push yourself beyond your limits?

 What happens when you push yourself beyond your limits?

 Goal. Get rid of my stuff. He hates everything about me.  He has 
constantly complained, been irritated about so many things.
I remember over 20 years ago when I got a coffee maker
and put it in the kitchen.  I paid ten dollars for it.
He badgered me relentlessly until I took it back
in order to make him happy.
He couldn't stand the sound of it or the smell of it.

so I will get rid of my things taking up his space.
He wants the whole house to himself.

 I see and understand that we have the same interests that we had as
children, teenagers and young adults. 
I am 59 years old biologically and maintain the same interests I had
and so does every other person I have known or met. 

 She, daughter in law, said addictions happen because of pain. Any kind of pain.
So true. I understand why. 

Emotional, physical, mental. Total body and soul feeling of pain. Pain is something we
avoid. 
Simple explanation for any kind of addict, addiction, aholic.
Reminds me of what my brother Darryl said "Everyone is addicted to something".
To this day I see this truth in anyone I know and anyone I don't know personally.

Darryl died on May 13, 1998. Born on May 16, 1964. He was 33 years old.

 If you were me then you would do what I have done. You would feel
what I feel. All that I have felt throughout my life. But, you are you, not me.
You have your own experiences and I have mine. So you will do what you do.

Yesterday went to where used to live 525 stacey drive

Yesterday went to where used to live 525 stacey drive

belton, missouri

It is vacant. Up for sale.

Memories are abundant.

 I have a gazillion memories. Wished for many years that memories in human brains could be on a recorded device and implanted into others so they can experience the same feelings.

 The Oak Park Mall incident. A bad experience.
We visited Oak Park Mall in Kansas.
Went to several shops viewing things and enjoyed the scented
candles and perfumes and other things. 
The carousel. How much does that cost? We are NOT going on
that. I am not going to pay for that. 3 dollars. 
The massage chair. Oh, I put a dollar in, it hurt my back so
he sat on it and said he liked it. So maybe he will come back
one day and spend five dollars and get a beating back massage
in one of those chairs.

End of evening we are walking. I hear upbeat music and follow it
because I want to hear it. It's dancing music and I want to know
that song. A man was at the booth that was playing the music.
I said I love that music what is it? And I started to move my body a little.
A man operating the booth said I want to show you something
and asked me to sit in a chair.
HE stood outside of this watching. Didn't say much to the man.
Blasted his vile insults and threats to me after we are out of 
the public eye.

The man put something on my face, my hands and said this
cleans your skin. How does it feel? It is soft. Coconut oil
and sea salt. Yes, that made my skin feel so good.

End: this product costs 300 dollars. 
He becomes irate: why did you go there.
You were flirting with that guy.
You can't afford that.
I am not buying that. You don't need that.

I followed my natural instincts. He is angry. 

end of evening: he says I will buy you something to eat
(but I won't buy anything else for you)
yet I am not hungry. I already ate at home before we
left because I know how this food/ hunger thing works.

 The pickle jar incident. Came home from grocery store with many bags of food.
One plastic bag had a tear and a jar of pickles hit the floor. 
He went into a tyrant's rage for several hours.  
I said I would clean it up.  Calmly.
He proceeds to character assasinate me and clean the floor, telling
me I can't clean the right way.

He said that I knew that it was going to happen. I wasn't paying attention.
I should have known.

He ruined Thanksgiving. I made a big dinner. Started on Wednesday.

 He ruined Thanksgiving. I made a big dinner. Started on Wednesday. 

 I threw away all of the old checkbooks and registers yesterday. Threw away
the wage earnings statements.  29 years of
accounting showing what I put in the bank, the bills I paid, the groceries, gas
and all that I bought. 
I haven't made much especially in the last 12 years due to chronic
physical health problems, a direct result of stress induced by him.
None of it matters because all he has ever said to me is that I don't work,
I don't do anything,
don't pay the bills, and used to say "You spend ALL of your money on
beer and cigarettes".
He won't look at any record of anything I have.
Doesn't recognize that I do anything. 
In his mind he does everything. He is the most important.
He takes over all and does whatever he wants and I have no
right to my personal preferences

Love is what I wanted to share. Lust is what I ended up getting.

 Love is what I wanted to share. Lust is what I ended up getting. 

It's about the desire to control, not about how much money I make.

 It's about the desire to control, not about how much money I make. 
Many rich and famous women have endured suffering: verbal, emotional
and physical abuse from their malignant narcissist partner. Tina Turner,
married to Ike, is just one example. 
She is natural, beautiful, sweet, innocent, talented, loving, giving
and courageous. 

Ignore your wife and she will go away. The same rule applies to your teeth or anything else.

 Ignore your wife and she will go away. The same rule applies to your teeth or anything else.

Some people only want and appreciate what they don't have.

 Some people only want and appreciate what they don't have. 

What does "at my wits end" mean? I am there. Wits and patience have met.

at wit's end

at (one's) wits' end

In a state of distress because one has no more patience or mental stamina, often after having dealt with some kind of problem or difficult situation.

The baby's been crying for hours, and I'm at my wits' end!

I'm already at my wits' end, so if this train gets delayed too, I'm going to scream.

Getting rid of trash and nonselling items

Spent a few hours today getting trash and nonselling items ready to take away tomorrow.

Books, vhs tapes, cds, vinyl records. 
Last week I took clothing and other miscellaneous things to the thrift store.

Feeling a little better every day.

it's a miracle I'm still alive

 it's a miracle I'm still alive

Still thin, have okay skin, look fair, have most of my mind left, can walk, talk, function, think, remember and comprehend

 Grandson keeps begging me to stay. To live at his (my son's house)

He said bring all of my packing materials and stuff to ship at his house

 Always in fashion: Politeness, sweetness. Smiles. Beauty. Joy. Happiness.
Youth. Innocence. Appreciation. Simplicity. 

 Snow White Sleeping Beauty Cinderella is my name

The cleaner, housekeeper, cook, doing what needs to be done and
happy about life. The pretty girl, unaware of her beauty, who
serves others graciously. 

 My back is like a bent driveshaft in two places. Causes me to be off balance.

T12/L1/L2 pushed forward/wedged/pushed backward. Physical therapist said
no matter how I stand it can't be straight.

Analogy I just used for first time today to try to explain this to him. 
A person who understands mechanical things might be able
to see the condition of my vertebra and possibly start to understand it.

Freedom I seek. Expression of self. Being me. being natural.
 Money is a means to achieve a sense of freedom, not an end goal.

"Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished."

 "Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished."

-- Og Mandino

A real man does not make a woman cry. That is called a gentleman.

 A real man does not make a woman cry. That is called a gentleman. 

Idea: call my old phones numbers and ask the new owners if people have been

calling for me or him over the years. 

419-6569  841-3575  241-9313  763-5046

all with 816 area code. 

1: old cell 2: old vonage home phone 3: old business number
at super flea for kc music & media  4: old at&t landline number
had for about 20 years and had to have it shut off due to 
paranoid schizophrenic sister in law Karen and schizo
brother in law Jerry Stillwell who both harassed and threatened
us almost daily for years.

I'll bet there are a lot of people that have been trying to reach me.

I used to have lots of business associates and friends

before he put a stop to that by hanging around me constantly

whenever I am talking on the phone and asking "Who are you

talking to?", "What are you talking about... for so long on the phone?"

"Why do you do that?" 

I have been cut off by him from most of the world for many years.

Before him, I used to talk to many people and can talk for hours

on the phone or in person. People like me and love to talk with me,

unlike him who hates it when I talk and says things like,

"Too bad you can't make money talking because that's all you do."

The few people I get to visit, like my next door neighbor, Wendy,

enjoy my company and want me to stay. They invite me and want 

me to come over and share time and food and drinks and activities.

Wendy makes me feel welcome and at home all of the time,

unlike the house that I live in going on 30 years since

December 15, 1991.

A couple of weeks ago I told him this is a house not a home.

I make friends easily and can talk to almost anyone, a thing

he has never understood like when I go anywhere with him

and strike up a conversation with "strangers" and he says

"Who is that? Do you know them? Why are you talking to them?"

He has always said those things to me since we met and doesn't

want me to talk to people and especially tell them any personal

details about our life (especially him).

I have been told  I have charisma.

Thank goodness I have this computer and a blog so I can

express myself even though this may not be viewed by

hardly anyone. At least I can get it out.

 Consolidating my stuff into one room. 

Planning to sell or give away all records, books, cds, tapes,

electronics, clothing, furniture, virtually all extraneous stuff in

preparation for ?  My new house? Moving?   Compelled 

by my instincts. Unknown reasons. Logic is not involved.

No one told me to do this. 

Following instincts my whole life and I am still alive

and getting better every day.

Moving stuff around and cleaning must be done in the middle

of the night when he is asleep, otherwise he interferes with

whatever I am doing and asks constant questions and never

understands why I do what I do. He takes charge of any

activity and will take over and do it so I can't do it or

stop me from doing something due to his lack of

understanding and strong need to control each and

every thing about me and the environment.

He puts himself in charge of everything he can and is 

good at shooting orders and thinks he knows what

everyone else should be doing. 

Brick wall mind is a door, not a window.

Brick wall mind is a door, not a window.

blocks, stops, resists, barricades, fights, pushes, competes

with other people

believes other people are fighting, arguing with and resisting them

when he is the one being resistant, inflexible and

uncooperative

uses the word "cooperate" , example, when making a reference

to a male friend who had a female roommate who wouldn't

have sex with him, he said "she wouldn't cooperate" as if it

were a "duty" instead of what it should be which is a natural

feeling of love, caring and willingness to join her body with that man

says I am "stubborn" any time I make a statement

different from his beliefs and says that 

I want to argue and has said this even when I agree with him

impedence, won't allow others to be themselves

stubborn, inflexible, won't and doesn't listen to any other

different opinions, views, facts that don't agree with their own

believes their opinions are facts

wont listen to or look at facts that state anything they don't believe in

will not look at evidence, facts, books with facts,

even the dictionary that I present to him

accuses me and others of not listening (projection)

obtuse: slow, dull, can't comprehend

says "I can't understand", "I don't understand",

"I can't believe it" , "I don't believe it", "I doubt it",

"that's crazy"

frequently about many things that have

already happened and things that could and might happen

limited in thoughts/thinking

pushy

skeptical

hateful

mean

arrogant

rude

easily angered over anything

pissed off everyday about at least one thing

threatening

disruptive

feels entitled

paranoid

projects their thoughts upon others

anticipates and assumes they know what others are thinking

assumes others feel what they are feeling at the moment

(ie: if they are hungry they think the other person must be hungry

and if they don't have to use the bathroom the other one shouldn't

have to. the other person can wait to use the bathroom because they

themselves don't feel the urge to go at the moment but if they

have to go they cannot wait)

frequently sits with arms crossed upon his chest

doesn't answer simple yes or no questions directly 

instead asks a question or makes a statement

unable to see viewpoints of others

believes others and environment should conform to their wishes

unable to accept that others have different preferences

believes others prefer what he prefers. if they don't, then

there is something wrong and flawed with them

refused to engage in any activity unfamiliar with or any

activity they feel uncomfortable with 

believes other people should do what he does

if not, they are stupid, worthless, don't deserve to eat,

don't belong in this country, don't belong here, period

believes if a person is well fed they are spoiled

if a person has basic needs taken care of therefore

they are happy, then they are spoiled

refuses to look at his own behavior

any time I remind him of what he said or did

that was wrong, bad and/or hurtful to a living being or

any thing he says "why are you such a bitch!", "why

do you have to complain all of the time?!"

will not admit errors, mistakes, flaws in own thinking or

behavior. Always has to be right.

Always has to be the one making the decisions.

Cannot comprehend poetry such as the Desiderata
or The Serenity Prayer.  He said the desiderata is stupid
and doesn't believe the serenity prayer, the first part that
I showed him

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference. "

(because he believes he is in control... of all things)

Tries/attempts to project his fears, insecurities,
beliefs he has about his body "flaws' due to being
body shamed as a child, upon me as if I need to feel
bad, embarassed and ashamed of what I am and the
way I look

Frequently says he gets a bad feeling about another person
or situation. Sometimes says he feels bad for another person's demise

Recently said "I don't want to feel controlled"
the next day I reminded him of what he said and that
I don't control him. He goes off every day doing what ever he
does and most of the time I have no idea where he is going
or what he does and it's been that way for 29 years.  Most of
the time I don't ask where he is going but he asks me where
I am going most of the time. 

I like I love these. He hates them.

lighthouses

windmills

wind chimes

fields

nature 

natural things

landscape pictures

outdoor scenery

sunsets

moon phases

fireworks displays

animals cats, dogs (will tolerate current cat
because she doesn't urinate/defecate inside the house)
any animal that makes noises or does things he doesn't like
is immediately hauled off or otherwise exterminated put to death

flowers carnations, chrysanthemums, roses, marigolds

pictures of people (loved ones)

incense

candles

elegant dining

fine dining

theater

dancing

swimming

walking

writing

poetry

philosophy

psychology

sociology

introspection

beret hat, most hats unless it's a stocking cap that clings to the head

astrology

tarot

occult

numerology

palmistry

health

astronomy

physical science

science

biology

anatomy

spelling

art

painting 

sketching

drawing

music: dance, hiphop, r&b, soul, drums, upbeat happy music

parties partying

socializing 

group activities

relaxing

 Dreams quickly reveal knowledge and understanding. Had another very 
strong dream today revealing truth.

Relaxation, peace, calmness of the self.

Insights of a lifetime happen in an hour or so of deep sleep and rest.
Ephiphanies/realizations happen when the self is calm, open and aware.

Answers are within. I don't have to go chasing them.

I realize I have been with a man I met in May, 1987 and have lived
with since December 15, 1991 who is directly opposite of me. He
detests and has contempt for most of the things I like, love, stand for,
believe in and am.

There is malignant narcissism and schizophrenia at work.
He is self centered and all about money, physical things and sex,
viewed as a duty, as good exercise and an act that drains the body
when performed with a person (me).  If he viewed it as a drain
with others, I don't know.

 Constantly looking
at other people anywhere he is and making judgments.
At restaurants, shopping, walking anywhere, anywhere
he is I hear the snap judgment about what he thinks about
the way the person looks and if he feels uneasy at an
establishment. This has been going on with him since 
day one when I met him and I now realize it is part of his
paradigm thought process ritual learned as a child. 
I have tried and failed to make him feel differently and to
accept what is.  To feel comfortable with me (many times
he has felt comfortable with me, many times he is not) and
be comfortable in the company of anyone or anything.

He always knows what everyone else should be doing and deems
almost everyone as stupid and "can't do anything for themselves".

He is outward/outside oriented,
rarely being introspective.  Controlling, micro managing, critical of
all things outside of himself, judgmental, impulsive, rude, mean,
hateful, condemning, threatening, hostile, angry,
impatient 
in driving habits, waiting in line for something, getting food when
hungry or not hungry, waiting for receipt of anything, waiting for
someone to answer the phone. He thinks everyone should answer immediately
because I guess he thinks he is the only one who exists in their life
and they have nothing else to do but answer immediately to his
beck and call. 

Vengeful, secretive, prideful, arrogant, egotistical know it all,
greedy, lustful, envious, sloth like in awareness of self and the
impact his words have on me, especially, since I am the one
who gets to hear the daily bitchs, complaints, grunts, hostility
in words like "That just pisses me off!"  His family does the
same things. They and me are the only ones who really see
this behavior. Associates, acquaintances, neighbors or strangers
don't experience or witness this quite negative and bad behavior.
He wants to appear "perfect" and nice and helpful and intelligent
to them and treat me like I don't know anything, am helpless,
stupid, worthless.

"Get rid of" is one of his favorite threats. Get rid of people first.
Things last.

Ultra sensitive to smells, sights, "bad feelings" about other people.
Believes others are out to use him, to get him. "I know how people are.
Nice to your face then stab you in the back".  
Skeptical. Doubtful "I doubt it". Can't understand. "I can't understand".
I don't understand you. 

Lacks charisma. Lacks social skills. 
Does not appreciate beauty of nature: the sky, the moon, the stars,
flowers, water. Lakes, ponds, rivers, oceans, streams. 

Unable to have fun. To experience joy. 

He hates holidays.. except sometimes Valentine's Day and recognizes
Halloween, thinking he should give out candy. 

He does not want to celebrate anything. Jehovah's Witness mother,
Marjorie Mae Rutherford Stillwell caused this. 

I am directly opposite of all that. 

 Thank you for the enlightening conversation about high school.

Nerds.

What do you suppose he was treated like in high school? Was he a nerd?

How do you think my dad was treated? 

Did the hot girls want them?  No. They were rejected.

They have no charisma. They have no social skills.

They weren't the ones getting any P.

Mom, you are out of his league. 

You chose "losers". You could have had and can have

any man you want.

I was and am pursued and desired by countless men

and have spent 29 years with one man since December 15, 1991

and my reputation is still at stake. 

How long should I pay for my innocence and beauty?

He said there are

Two ways to be a gentleman, (which is want I want).

A gentleman is either taught by a gentleman or he is in

pursuit of the hottest girl and must act like a gentleman in

order too get her.

He doesn't even open the door for me. Lack of training

during upbringing. Poverty and ignorance are ugly.

 Self will is in all of us. I know what I want. I know what I need.

If anyone stops or blocks me it causes resistance and often ends up in a fight.

 I feel bad, sad, angry, depressed,anxious and hurt when I can't fulfill my own natural creative desires, wants and needs because someone got in my way. 

Criticism, skepticism, humiliation, punishment are most destructive to the soul.

 Internal childlike joy is natural.  Narcisissists forgot this joy and bliss for no
apparent reason so they are envious of anyone who has it. They want it
back but don't know how to get it so often times they will display
intense jealousy and become mean, evil, critical, condescending,
threatening to the joyous person in an attempt to invoke misery 
in the joyful one, erroneously thinking they can steal the joy 
of the other person. 

You can't steal something that is inside of all of us and
freely available. 

It costs no money. It is a state of being.

It can't be bought or sold. 

It's in a smile. A warm and good feeling. A happy memory.
It is appreciation. Noticing the energy of connectedness of all.

 Puzzle pieces are falling into place as I recall memories of long ago and
recent incidents.  Things that happen make more sense to me as I
understand a little more each day. Profound knowing without much
effort is actually simple. 

Basic, simple drives and desires are what we are all born with.

Desires for joy, warmth, comfort, to be well fed,
hydrated, accepted, admired, heard,
a feeling of belonging,
love of and attraction to beauty (plants, animals, natural scenery and
environments like lakes, waterfalls, trees, fields,
pretty girls/women
and handsome boys/males/men who look healthy, happy, trim,
fit, well put together

The eyes are called the windows of the soul and they
immediately indicate the condition of the being. 
Eyes reflect feeling, understanding, knowing, state of health,
They represent the "world" of the body, the individual's current
level of awareness and state of mind and emotion at all times.

 I told him whoever is the President you still have to live your life. 
It doesn't matter who is in office. You are still you. Wherever you are.

He is obsessed with the president Trump and has been for a few years.
Only believing Trump can do no wrong
and listening to news channels on the radio
and on the internet constantly that coincide
with his beliefs.  He believes Donald Trump can do no wrong. That
Democrats have made up lies about him.  And being a Republican
is the only way to be.
He views Trump as a Saint.

I can say nothing unless I agree with what he says.
"Why do you always want to argue with me?!!"
he says frequently, even at times when I was 
agreeing what he says.

He wrote a list of who to vote for
on November 3rd and I voted as he said, Republican.
I told him I don't know anything about any of these 
candidates. It's not fair to the candidates due to my ignorance
about them.
I am not into politics. I told him months ago
I shouldn't even vote because I don't have a clue. I don't spend
all of my time researching people in politics therefore I don't
really know who to vote for in anything.  He has not listened to
anything I said.  He doesn't care.

I am not political, not religious. 
His mother was a fanatic zealout Jehovah's Witness and he follows
in her footsteps unconsciously, rejecting the religion she forced
upon all of her ten children, 3 of whom are still alive that I know
about, one named John Stillwell who may still be alive in Texas
somewhere by Dallas,
and now taking up a new fanaticism of politics, a subject he wasn'tinvolved in until a few years ago. 
It started when he was looking at financial information like the
stock market and ended up with x22 report, daily reports on what
is going on with politics.

A feeling of power he must get by soaking up this constant daily 
news. 

Thanks to the universe or whatever energy it is I can get out
and visit others. I visited my next door neighbor Wendy last 
night and had an eye opening enlightening discussion as we
always do and she showed me a few news segments for the
first time about Donald Trump. We have avoided the subject
of politics before ...she knows I am not into it...and she said
she never paid attention to it before until recently. She provided
tremendous insight to me not only about Trump but about
my entire life filled with malignant narcissists.

 Fanatacism. Cult. Cult members. 
Malignant narcissism.
Trump. Insights, discussion with Wendy, my lady neighbor
last night. I have gained more understanding and awareness
and continually remember / reminisce/ recollect incidences
in my lifetime in order to understand.  
Superiority complex develops in order to mask feelings of
inferiority and insecurity. Egotistical, arrogant, all knowing
attitude dominates the personality. Fear is main emotion due
to lack of understanding/love.  They constantly state "I don't
understand", "I can't understand", "I can't believe...it",
"I can't believe you did, do, thought, felt, are, fill in the blank"
"I doubt it", "That'll never happen"

Personal life experiences with narcissists my entire life. Collecting information
and learning about narcissists for many years and saving videos
on youtube trying to understand it. Didn't know what narcissist was
ten years ago, I thought they were people from different planets so
I called them Martians from Mars due to aggressive, combative,
competitive, fighting nature. They are jealous, envious, easily angered,
impatient, self centered, lack empathy, controlling--always looking on
the outside trying to control the environment and all life forms around
them and seem to be unable to control themselves around the one who
is closest to them. 

"You don't care what's going on in the outside world", he stated again
yesterday.   
"It's not that I don't care. It's that all I can do is what I can do.  I can't
control everyone else and the world. I can focus on myself, the
way I feel and what I think and do."
Thought/feeling first, words follow that thought, physical manifestation
happens next. He replied "I don't need pep talks" when I told him that
simple fact. 

Regardless of who is president I still have my life to live. You have your
life to live. When are we going to live OUR lives.

It is the same old broken record with a narc. Just like the movie Groundhog
Day. They like strife and confusion and fighting. They don't want to change
themselves into a calm, pleasant, nice, natural, sweet person. 
Perhaps they can't change. It's in their nature. The nature of a snake.
A reptile. They are 
drawn to sweet, free and natural people and admire beauty in the female
and believe in taking advantage of that in a vain attempt to acquire
natural beauty that they lost when they were a child.

Little dictators and terrorists. Lying, cheating, terrorizing, threatening,
manipulating, coercing, abusing, disrespecting, taking advantage of,
using,  And they fear and accuse others of doing exactly what they do.
They think everyone is out to get them, to use them, to take their money,
to cheat them, to do poor quality work.

He is obsessed with Trump and the presidential campain. Has been for years.

Pissed off, aggravated, angry, upset. Hateful, mean.

Antangonistic.

 I told him anger poisons the blood.
Every single day he is pissed off about something.

He blasted the news last night when I went downstairs to use the massage
pad on my broken back. It is not healing for me. I said, as he has said to me many times, "I want to listen to this!" just like he shouts it to me. And "I don't want to listen to you".

Why are you such a bitch? 

You don't care about what's going on in the outside world! he yelled at me.

Yes, I do and it all starts from within, from yourself.


I said When are we going to live our lives?

Diet habits from Thailand. Warm/hot water and/or tea or coffee in the morning. 
Warm liquids cleanse they body. No food for breakfast.

Green tea, fresh ginger root tea with honey and lemon. 
Slice some fresh ginger root you can buy at stores like Price Chopper
and boil for 30 minutes or use hot water from microwave and steep.  
Ginger is good for many things. She said you can look it up (on
the internet).  I said, I know. It is wonderful.

Lady who works at a Thai restaurant at 103rd and State Line
in Kansas City, Missouri,  told me this today.

She doesn't eat food in the morning. Some of her relatives will eat
fruit such as citrus (lemon/oranges,etc) but is most often pineapple and mango
in the morning. They will drink some juice, usually pineapple. 

She grew up with never having a glass of water served with a meal
The meals usually include a soup of some sort which supplies some liquid water.

Wait 30 minutes after eating to drink water. Drink lots of water.
It is very good for you.

They don't eat the typical flour and sugar laden desserts. They
eat fresh fruit. 

Sip small amounts of water or tea with a meal.  She doesn't drink soda.

1 pm eat first meal of day.

6 pm eat dinner.

I said I have been drinking water, tea and or coffee in the morning
for many years and don't eat breakfast right after I wake up.
Never liked it. My body is trying to awaken. The last thing on my mind
is food when I wake up. I wait until afternoon
to eat my first meal.

Balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates and simple carb natural foods
and herbs and spices.

Does not eat doughnuts/donuts or any of the typical pastry items that people
of western culture eat. Thai Spice restaurant quit ordering desserts
too complicated due to this covid thing. Thai don't eat these desserts, anyway.
She said sometimes they order Coke coca cola and don't get it. they
get "Pibb" instead and sometimes they get pib when ordering the coca cola
due the problems with ordering things now.  All of the things they order
of food are from Thailand and it is disrupted.

Thailand and Asian people are thin because of their diet and
lifestyle. Overweight ones have taken the American/Western diet.

Typical western diet is too much food. People eat 2 or 3 plates of food
or more. They drink lots of soda, tea or water (several glasses she
has observed at times) with a meal. They don't think about their
bodies, they don't care. As long as it tastes good they eat and drink it.
This is not what Asian and Thai people do. 

She said all of this soda and foods like donuts and desserts and you end up with
diabetes and high blood pressure and heart disease. She said she is healthy,
rarely gets sick, knock on wood, and her family is healthy as well.

I said, "Yes. People end up with metabolic syndrome, fatty liver, diabetes
and all of these health problems and they don't know why. If, by chance,
they go to a good doctor, the doctor tells them to follow a good diet
but people are creatures of habit and keep doing what they do. Changing
a habit into a better one is easier if you do one thing at a time such as
replacing the soda with water like I did many years ago. 

I weigh 125 lbs  and am about 5 foot 5 inches".

The Thai lady was much shorter than me, maybe 5 feet or so and
is in nice shape. Her skin and hair are clear and shiny and bright.

 Go where you are wanted. 

 Grandson keeps begging me to stay.
Wants me to live with him and his mommy and daddy.

He says there is a house next door that is mine so he can live 
next door to grandma.

I keep coming back to the house where I live.

Is it love, duty ?

I love.

Am I loved?

Yes, I am loved.

Said behind closed doors for almost 30 years.

Said behind closed doors for almost 30 years.

Why do you have to talk so much? he asks frequently. 
What's wrong with you?
You have flawed taste in things like music. I hate rap and so should you.
I hate that crap. That is not music.

How can you get excited over the smallest things?
You just want to have fun all the time and be happy.
Nothing's ever easy.

You have to work hard to get anything done.
If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.
You can't trust the work other people do.
Other people's work is low quality and they don't give a damn.

Most people are stupid and can't figure out how to do things 
themselves. 
Most people are stupid.

Whatever it is, it is a scam designed to take your money. Referring to
any activity that includes having fun, feeling good and being happy.

I know what you are thinking.
I know how people are.

You can't trust anyone.
I watch other people all of the time and never sit down and look 
at myself and my own behavior.
When anything goes wrong, it is someone else's fault, someone
else is to blame.
It is never my fault.
That wouldn't have happened if you weren't so stupid.
What are you, "Stupid"!
Don't you ever think?
The neighbors might think blah blah blah, other people think this and that.
I don't want anyone to see you doing blah blah this or that thing.
You're not leaving the house dressed like that, are you?

I know how people are: nice to your face and turn around and stab you in the back.
You're too old to go to school (said when I was 30 years old).
You don't do anything around here. You do the dishes and laundry and
that's about it. You don' help me with anything. You never ask me if I
need any help.
You're worthless as a partner.
You don't respond in the way I expect you to.
That is not the response I was expecting.

You don't listen (therefore I have to repeat what I say over and over and over
on a daily basis because you are too stupid to get it, to understand what I
am saying.

If you want THAT you need to go live with somebody else. THAT being:
respect, appreciation, kindness, politeness, empathy, understanding.

Why don't you go live with: your mom, your dad, John Layson --you're just
like him--, Clayton, virtually anyone who is around in my life at the time.

That will not last, referring to a job I have or anything I am doing at the time.

I don't believe it.
I can't believe such and such and such in reference to a thing that already 
happened or a thing that could or might happen,

I doubt it.
You'll never.. fill in the blank.

All you do is complain (projecting his complaining upon me)
All you do is bitch. Bitching again!

Why don't you just shut the fuck up before I bust you in the face?

I've had enough of your shit.

I'm not too old to find somebody else. I've got another 20 years or so left..
I might live until I am 80 years old.

I'll find a woman who listens and does what I say.

That was a crazy movie, referring to "Barefoot in the Park", 
watched last week, October, 2020.
Why would anyone move into an apartment with a leaking roof
and broken things?  (The story was about a man and a woman
who had different personalities, just like me and him/husband.
She is beautiful, fun loving, free, a dancer like me and he is 
a stuffed shirt stick in the mud just like he is and he 
didn't get it.)

Why do always think you have to do something on your birthday?
If you want to do something you have to do it on your own.

That was a waste of my time. Said after leaving family gathering
at his sister's house on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Quit wasting my time!! he yelled at me when he was listening to
a presidential speech and x22 report on the internet and I attempted to
talk to him. 

Why do you always want to argue with me?

Why do yo do that? I would never do that.
How can you eat that? That's disgusting, it stinks, I would not eat that.

I don't like your personality.


You're such a mess.
He/she is such a mess.
Everything he does is a fucked up mess.

Why are you so cluttered?
I'm going to do something about it. I am going to start throwing things away.

I'm not going to put up with you. 

I'm not going to put up with that.

You need to do this.
You need to stop doing that.
He/she needs to do this and stop doing that.

I know exactly what everyone else needs to do (and I don't know
what I need to do and I don't need to work on myself)

Everyone is flawed except me.  I don't need to be fixed. I know 
what I am doing and where I spend my money. I don't waste money.

I don't need to hear "Pep talks" (motivational speakers who talk about
how you're thinking turns into reality)

It's all a bunch of crap (life, that is)

People are out to get you. 
People will take what they can get.

You should  take advantage of the situation.

I've had enough of your shit.

I don't care what you have to say.
I don't care what you want.
I am going to do what I want.

I don't need to hear your opinion.

I don't need to hear your analogies.
I don't need to hear your philosophy.

How can you do that?
I don't understand you.

You don't have anything to worry about. She is not pretty.
She is "scurvy". 

(Years ago) You've got back problems, all right but you've
really got is mental problems.

I can say and do anything I want because I have more money than you.

Oh, you like him, you want to have a relationship with him? *referring
to any male I talk to because we have common ground interests.

I haven't seen any changes in your life because you listen to "those
pep talks" and read those books.

You're careless.

You're sloppy.

You think you know everything.

It's not abnormal for a man to watch porn. Men like to look at pretty women.

I don't want anyone, especially the neighbors, looking at you
(yet I can look at anyone I want and make comments regardless of how you feel about it.)

I don't want you going to bars. You know what that leads to.

Gets extremely upset when I watch stories about serial killers and says
"It's about control".  

Why do you keep watching that? How many times have you watched that?
(He keeps watching the same things and listening to the same things and
doing the same things over and over every day as well)

You keep doing that and I will take the vcr away. 



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He sits with arms crossed over his chest at family gatherings.
He frowns often as people do, when he is disgusted, angry,
upset and miserable.

One of his favorite movies is The Grinch and he is the grinch.
This miser, never satisfied. Always wanting more. Not happy
with what he is and what he has. Thinks there is something and
someone better "out there". What he is and has is not good enough.

Chess, his favorite game. Played on computer by himself. Always trying to win.
Beat the computer. 

"Wonderful", same word used by my step grandpa when I told him
something happy and joyful. Said in a bland voice without joy.

--------------------------------------------------

Translation: Why do you say things
I don't agree with and don't understand?

Why aren't you interested in and obsessed
with the same things I am interested in? 

Why don't you agree with everything I say?
How can you have interests different than mine? 

How dare you have a mind of your own.

Why can't you be as upset as I am,?
Why can't you just be as miserable as I am?
Why aren't you like me and constantly
aggravated, hostile, have a short fuse and blow up
like an atom bomb over the smallest and most useless thing?

How can you be happy and joyful with all of the terrible things
going on in the world? The weather, disasters, the stock market,


How can you accept others the way they are with all of their "flaws"
and be just as critical as I am about everyone except Donald Trump?

This is the belief pardigm/system of a pessimistic/ pissy mestic
person's personality that believes they are a "realist" with a
realistic view of life.

I don't know what you are thinking so I am going to guess and
project my own thinking upon you.

I don't know how people are, I know how I am and what I think
and what I do.

One month, 4 weeks of complete freedom to think and do, to express my true self results in absolute natural beauty, Maintaining self expression and creativity throughout life equals pure joy and constant beauty.

Right after I posted this my grandson said
I know what you need
30 days in a hotel.

I said, That is exactly what I was thinking. 
Total freedom and relaxation. 

11-2-2020

 Thought form, idea, belief, notion precedes words, actions and physical manifestations 

 I have hope. He has skeptism. 

 I am the only one to deal with my self and my life's experiences. No one is going to save me, help me, protect me, encourage me. Hope houses are a joke. 

Pretty women. Admire, lust after, Look at them in pictures and videos. don't look at me.

throw me a crumb once in awhile to string me along

rarely hug or kiss me

compare me to other women all of the time

say you love me cant live without me one minute

next minute throw me away like a piece of trash

Disrespect me. Ignore me. Tell me to shut up. Tell me I am stupid.

Tell me I don't do anything, I don't work. Try to make me feel

worthless. This has been going on for almost 29 years

and now realizing it is nothing new with him.

narcissist psychopath

narcissistic behavior

psychopathic 

lacks empathy

controlling

Pictures of my back. October 4, 2020

 Back

Back Picture 1

Back Picture 2

Back Picture 3

Back Picture 4

Books and tools. A book is useless if you don't understand it like a tool is useless if you don't know how to use it.

Books and tools. A book is useless if you don't understand it like a tool is useless if you don't know how to use it.  

See in others first what I see in myself.

 See in others first what I see in myself.

Internal dialogue equals external results.

 Internal dialogue equals external results.

Every atom and cell in my body contains my entire life's experiences in conjunction with the universes.

 Every atom and cell in my body contains my entire life's experiences
in conjunction with the universes.

I always find what I look for.

 I always find what I look for.

My truth and my reality are only mine through my own experiences, understanding and remembering from the source.

My truth and my reality are only mine through my own experiences, understanding and remembering from the source. My body and soul are an entire world co-existing
in the universes. 

I know what I want and why I want it. How, where, when or who is always open for acceptance and receiving what I desire.

I know what I want and why I want it. How, where, when or who is always open for acceptance and receiving what I desire.

Source energy from gut feeling finds what I look for. 

I pay attention to what I want.

 I pay attention to what I want.

I am responsble for how I feel. I choose the direction of my thoughts and feelings.

I am responsble for how I feel.

I choose the direction of my thoughts and feelings.

Confidence is opposite of egotism.

Confidence is opposite of egotism.

confidence is faith

faith is knowing naturally

egotism is insecurity and bragging upon the self

The individual spirit cannot be conquered by any other.

 The individual spirit cannot be conquered by any other.

The spirit remains forever what it is.

Social awkardness is due to fear of criticism.

Social awkardness is due to fear of criticism.

The direct result of upbringing in the family. 

Critical, perfectionistic parents devastate the child

with constant expectations of perfections

and the fear of making any mistake.

They shame, humiliate and 

call the child bad, stupid, worthless, an idiot, a fool

if the child does anything the parent thinks is wrong

or a mistake.

Name calling and identifying the child as "bad", the

"bad behavior" instead of calling the behavior

inappropriate are tactics used to try to control

the child.

This causes much 

suffering to the child's

sense of self, of adventure and creativity. Inhibiting the

child's natural desire to explore. 

Awkwarndness, timidity, shyness and the desire to stay

away from people are the result.

The child grows up to be an adult who is just as critical of

others as the parents were to them

and never feels worthy enough, good enough

or deserving of joy, happiness, respect

because they were not respected as a child.

I am what I am. It is what you think it is.

 I am what I am. It is what you think it is. 

Everything is in plain sight. Evidence is everywhere. There are no secrets.

 Everything is in plain sight. Evidence is everywhere. There are no secrets.

Memento. Souvenir. Talisman. Picture. Photograph.

Memento.  Souvenir. Talisman. Picture. Photograph. 

An object, a thing, something to remember a thing by. 

Represents feelings and emotions of desire.

Powerful for visualizing desire. Aids in drawing/attracting 

what you want. 

Identify with desire. Material things are easy to get, to acquire,

to accumulate.

Spriritual/feelings is the easiest way, the first way to allow and draw into

your life what you desire. 

keepsake, remembrance, token, relic, reminder, trophy,

memorial, vestige, trace, remembrancer

memento synonyms

Feel good? Life forms want to be around you.

Feel good? Life forms want to be around you.

They feel comfortable because you are not a threat. 
You love and will not hurt, harm or kill them. 

People: children, teens, adults and animals: wild or pets

want to be close to your warmth,

beauty, kindness, sweetness and positive energy.

Plants grow well.

Energy is felt by all things, all that is in the universes.

Bliss. Happiness. What feels good and right? Feel it. Do it.

Bliss. Happiness. What feels good and right?  Feel it. Do it.

Imagination. Feeling. Faith. Belief. Knowing. Thought form first.

Feel, intuit before physical manifestation occurs.

"First thought is God, second thought is devil/doubt"

a woman told me many years ago.

"God" and "Devil" are words we use to describe

good/ evil         

Notice the letters: 

g o d  ... and g o o d

d e v i l .............   e v i l

beneficial to life
destructive to life

Clean pipes are healthy. Clogges pipes are unhealthy.

Clean pipes are healthy. Clogges pipes are unhealthy.

Our bodies are full of "pipes", tubes, hoses. It is a system of rivers, streams
of atoms constantly moving, flowing and must be fluid and flexible to
be healthy. 

Clogged pipes in the system back up toxins into the body and cause
much distress, illness, sickness, misery, negativity and result in early death.

Keeping the gateways open is imperative to total mind and body --which 
are one in the same-- health and happiness

Blank paper and a pen thrill me. It is exciting to create and record thoughts, ideas, past, present and future. The possibilites are endless and open like the vast universes/universal consciousness.

 Blank paper and a pen thrill me. It is exciting to create and record thoughts,
ideas, past, present and future. The possibilites are endless and open like the
vast universes/universal consciousness.

Listen to the (bad) news and lose. People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry.

 Listen to the (bad) news and lose.  People love it when you lose,

they love dirty laundry.

 News focuses primarily on bad things, induces stress, anxiety, raises cortisol levels

therefore promoting illness and early death.  It is slanted in a downward

direction of destruction. It encourages group and mob mentality thinking and

discourages individual recognition of true and natural instincts and 

being yourself. 

I am aware of the news and I avoid its attempt to influence

my natural self. I briefly watch some of it and

repel its negativity instead of soaking it up into my system or my soul.

It appeals to our sense of protecting ourselves from dangers of

being hurt or killed; a natural born instinct all life forms have.

It artificially induces undue stress based upon our natural fear

of real things that my hurt or kill us.

News promotes ideas based on irrational feelings of fear,

war, wars

negative, negativity,

money, material things,

fake, phoniness

competition

fighting

murders

disasters

separating people

News is designed to keep people stoned, drunk, out of synch,

out of touch with their true self, 

make them compare themselves with others,

feel envious, gluttonous, greedy, lacking as if

they are not good enough unless they look like that,

have that thing, able to go to that place, feel insignificant, worthless

as if their true self is never good enough. 

It propels one who has lost touch with themselves

to feel anxious, scared, angry, mean, hateful, unable to

accurately sift through the garbage info of lies it often tells

and causes much distress. 

Step outside of it. Observe it from afar, from a distance and keep

it at "arm's length" (a long distance) instead of sucking it up

emotionally and taking it personally.

10-10-2020

"Grandma, You're going to get a new house for Christmas."

"Grandma, You're going to get a new house for Christmas."

He told me this about a month ago.

Last Sunday my son, Clayton, Damon's dad, told me he now has
his own record label. I said, "That's great! I have waiting for years
for you to have your own label! Artists make money and you make
residual income."

Saturday night (10-17-2020) Damon, my grandson, gave me a piece of paper
and told me to write down what I want my house to have.

Think and do what feels good and right. I am naturally drawn to something or someone that makes me feel good.

Think and do what feels good and right. I am naturally drawn to something
or someone that makes me feel good. 

Anything, any activity or live being thay makes me feel happy is what I want to
be around. My instincts are always right. My instinct to survive has
always been there. All I do is listen to it and follow the good feelings.

I am naturally repelled by any activity, anything that makes me feel bad so I can choose to avoid it or ignore it.

Anything or live being that may cause unhappiness, pain or death are what I avoid.

My grandson, age 6, begs for me to stay with him every day.

My grandson, age 6, begs for me to stay with him every day. 

"Grandma, can you
please stay tonight? Can you stay Sunday night to Friday night? Please.
I am asking you to please stay. Tell Mike (my husband) and I want him to say okay
that you can stay here with me. I like having you around."
"Can you live with us, Grandma? I'd like that."

I captured a video of him saying he wants me to stay on October 11, 2020

I asked him some questions last night.
"Are you afraid of me?"  "No", he said.
"Do you trust me?"  "Yes", he said.
"Why do you want me to stay?"  "Because I like having you around", he answered.

"Why?" I asked.
Because I like it when you're here.

"Do you love me?" I asked him. "Yes", he said.

"Do you know what calm is?" I asked him. "Yes", he said.
"Do you feel calm when I am around?"  "Yes", he said.

Watch it, whine about it, work on it or ignore it. It's your choice.

 Watch it, whine about it, work on it or ignore it.  It's your choice.

Am I happy? The only question I need to ask myself all day every day.

 Am I happy? The only question I need to ask myself all day every day.

Happy wife, happy life.

 Happy wife, happy life.

Change your radio station and change your life

 Change your radio station and change your life

Why You Should Stop Watching The News Cut it out. Improve your business. Improve your life.

 Why You Should Stop Watching The News

Cut it out. Improve your business. Improve your life.

“There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

7 Reasons Why You Should Stop Watching The News

The news is depressing

Many news outlets try to throw in a few positive or cute stories every now and then, but I’d estimate that the ratio of negative to positive stories for the vast majority of them is at least 9:1.

So every time you watch or read the news, you’re feeding yourself an overwhelming amount of negativity which infects your thoughts.

Napoleon Hill wrote about the power of our thoughts in Think and Grow Rich:

Our brains become magnetized with the dominating thoughts which we hold in our minds, and, by means with which no man is familiar, these “magnets” attract to us the forces, the people, the circumstances of life which harmonize with the nature of our dominating thoughts.

In other words, the predominant thoughts you allow into your mind actually affect your reality.

Knowing this, I’m not sure why anyone would subject themselves to all the negativity in the traditional news media.

Not when optimism is such a crucial ingredient to success in life and business.

If you really want your news fix, ditch the negative stuff and subscribe to some positive news sources instead.

The news is a poor representation of reality

At this point you might raise an objection:

“But Niall, you’re just ignoring the real issues, deluding yourself to believe that the world is all sunshine and rainbows. That’s not realistic!”

Yes, I guess you could say I’m deluding myself, but no more than those people who do watch the news. I’d argue that their view of the world is just as skewed, if not more so.

They’re led to believe that the world is a brutal and heartless place. All that bad news breeds fear and distrust. Aspiring entrepreneurs have the wind knocked out of them by daily reports of economic crisis and companies gone bust.

News consumption engenders the belief that failure lurks around every corner. Don’t take any risks, better to play it safe!

That’s not the world I want to live in.

In fact, it’s a world I can’t afford to live in when my goal is to build a successful online business.

Now I’m not advocating that you avert your eyes whenever you walk by a TV tuned to CNN, or recoil from every newspaper like a vampire from sunlight.

• What I am suggesting is that you stop going out of your way to invite all that negativity into your life in the first place.