Sunday, December 31, 2023
What is osmosis feeling picking up energy transfer between beings and things all matter
Especially between mother children, spouse partner
Fortune not fame
Bounty and privacy
What a blessing to be
Wealthy and unknown
Rich and anonymous
Incognito
Left side bigger, right side . is it dominant, stronger or weaker? Out of balance
Left side of lip on my mouth a lot bigger. Used to be slightly, now more prominent
My left arm, i can twist it backwards to scratch my back all the way to my neck unlike righf arm i can barely curve it back
Left breast is larger a little always has been
Left side of back spine is huge raised lump bump hump deformed. Vertebrae cracked slipped damaged many times, more than a dozen in my life. Crippled looking freak. Twisted bad.
Hands feet legs differ.
Eye exam shows different measurements for eyeballs: OD +2.25 axis 165; OS +1.75 axis 180. Both are +2.50. Od is right eye which i discovered after web search, ocular dexter latin. Os ocular sinister left eye. + means farsighted.
Nose nostrils differ quite a bit . Right nostril bigger. Only know this from photographs i take showing underside of nose.
What does all of this mean? What can i do?
What can anyone do?
Is back , spine damage cause of many other problems i have such as sleeping, waking, mood, digestion, leg pains, vision defects,
Why cook, it makes a mess, he she they complain about the food and smell anyway
And dont appreciate the food, effort, time spent doing it and cleaning up the mess
Saturday, December 30, 2023
No sense in calling any help line
All they do is put you on drugs, try to stop you, tell you its against the law, ..whose law ? A human law not the true law which is the self the spirit over the body it is in
They lock people up drug them up try to convince them to deal with it, live in a cage and return to their home of human madness and put up with abuse and restrictions . Give them sedatives and such then tell them drugs are bad..dont drink or take dope , contradictory statements of confusion...
And they say you must deal with IT, all of it, the enforcement of human slavery perpetuated by the insane
What's in a name? Name is a human creation . Means nothing
112 dead Sarah Stillwell on find a grave website today.
Means not a damned thing
Each person totally different and unique
I will be dead soon too and no one will know the difference between one Sarah and the other
The name means nothing
I dont mean a god damned thing and never did
And never will
Death is once in life
Dead is one thing to look forward to
It is the only thing I have to do and the thing I dont get to choose over life
Life is not forever
Death is forever. Gone
Friday, December 29, 2023
Missing people I miss. I cry quietly alone. He yells loudly at me over other bullshit
Wendy Moody & Chris Rixner
Debbie & Mike Wall
Damon
John Layson & Jacque Giles
Grandma & Grandpa
Mom & Dad
Liz Bozarth
Beth Andrews
Darryl Wilson & Darryl, Jr
Ruth Spainhour, my great aunt passed Nov 1999
Thursday, December 28, 2023
Wednesday, December 27, 2023
My teachers recognized my intelligence more than anyone else
School was great.
Especially my English classes and teachers. Straight A's all the way...
Physical science, psychology and parapsychology were also favorites.
Tuesday, December 26, 2023
Which is better or worse?
Having a family and not associating with them OR not having a family?
Being married having spouse who is mentally gone, body there and not present emotionally or in conversation OR having no spouse?
Having a job and loving it then losing it OR never having a job to lose?
Having a brain and using it OR not having a brain (vacuum head)?
Intelligent awareness OR lack thereof?
Problems solved OR ongoing problems no solutions?
Active wisdom OR useless trivia memorized and recited?
Activity driven by purpose of acquiring material things OR moving body around for no apparent or obvious reason to get something?
Rigid fixed hopeless fate rut choiceless thinking OR fluid random malleable thought bouncing?
Isolation okay if self chosen. Prison is not okay chosen by others to lock someone up
Animals and children isolate themselves in boxes, closets, under the bed, tent, any covered structure for fun and safety
Adults sometimes coop themselves up in cages often the television set computer cell phone tablet pad screen, vehicle van car train airplane helicopter chopper submarine, body of water boat ship Cruise,
Jail is done by law enforcement authority when perpetrator goes against the law of the human
Xmas 1978 in Truman medical center hospital all week
December 23, 1978
Cesarean section birth delivery baby boy
First son
Breech. That's why the doctor did cesarean
20 1/2" long 7 lbs 5 oz
Worst pain I think woke up from major surgery and nurses told me me get up and move to another bed
Weather very cold outside, dark and dreary
Smile and dance even though it hurts
Pain anywhere back
Legs
Cant see list vision
cant hear, feel, taste, touch
Loss
Its gone
Death dying
Missing absence of someone or something
Broken
Lost cant find it, wont get it, it is never coming back
Crying
Confused
Scared
Happy, sober, real, genuine, sane or insane
Laugh anyway. It wont last long until you are dead, perished, expired, extinct, forgotten
Monday, December 25, 2023
Once ruined forever trashed
When one has decided to not respect another it seems permanent.
NO respect stays the same. In my life I have learned that "earning" respect after a person made their mind up you are not to be respected is virtually impossible.
Talking: Words can't be taken back.
What came out of my or your mouth is forever carved in stone.
Huge mistakes I have made have come straight out of my too open honest mouth
So tired. Slept most of the day.
Why? Don't know. Survival mode maybe.
Raining all day
Christmas Eve
no plans as usual ..stayed home doing thing to avoid confrontation arguments fights with him ..so i cooked chili, hamburger stroganoff, made fried potatoes and 3 fried eggs for me this afternoon....came in my bedroom ate some almonds and walnuts then went to sleep until about 9 pm .. just had some hot cream of wheat with raspberry jam in it...very good
It is now Christmas Day December 25 2023 after midnight.
no plans for today the holiday(s) and nothing really planned for this week
might go to Target store on Tuesday Dec 26th to return 3 pairs of socks I bought a couple of days ago at ward parkway location. "Long boot socks" were NOT long enough for my legs, as usual.
Sunday, December 24, 2023
Saturday, December 23, 2023
Immature mind: Childish thoughts and behavior
we're all the same
i can say and do whatever i want without foresight of any consequence
people are and should be mind readers, knowing what i need and want
all things should be as i want immediately
what is good for me is good for everyone
i am the only one that matters
everyone should do what i do
my opinion is fact
my preferences are fact
i don't have to consider anyone else's feelings, opinions, preferences about anything
i shouldn't have to face consequences of anything i say or do
people ought to agree with whatever i say or do
Insanity can't be figured out. Too unpredictable
Never know if you are coming or going with these people
Loved or hated
Treasured or trashed
Logical reasoning is impossible
Plans can't be made
Medication doesn't help, can't alleviate or fix the problem s
Exhausting as hell for me or anyone in house hold or workplace.
Unbelievable to those who don't live with them
Friday, December 22, 2023
Norman Bates character in this house
a man like norman bates, ed gein, one of many men in this world who is mentally/emotionally tied up with mother issues and acting up with psychotic episodes on a daily basis
I am all alone with this issue which seems impossible to solve so far
Maybe one day there will be a resolution and Peace in this house
Wednesday, December 20, 2023
Spread your legs on television not permitted in real life home public or at work
What the freak??!!
Why? Because crotchless crotch is looked for
A man is helpless when he sees it.. the open hole to heaven
Tuesday, December 19, 2023
Mental illness is formed not born with at instinct birth unless brain physically damaged
Barring physical brain injury trama, mental illness seems to be learned, taught, formed and not a genetic disorder inherited in dna.
Conditioning the animal behavior
Repeated acts upon the creature reinforcing unhealthy thoughts and behavior patterns which hurt the self and or other beings
Witnessing others perform acts causing harm, pain to self or others
Monday, December 18, 2023
Dracula and vampires hate mirror images of themselves
Is Mary Shelley author of Frankenstein
On to some thing?
About monster mentality
Sunday, December 17, 2023
Eldest son gets nothing for his woman, youngest provides everything
Interesting
I doted on the youngest because I had him
He used to dote on me, now avoids me. Is devoted to wife. Hyper responsible
Didn't have eldest much after a year and a half old. Claims protectiveness and love for me yet treats all girlfriends like trash dumping them. Irresponsible. Unpredictable.
Finally realize I don't have to put up with the shit!!!!
Too many resources and things I can do..
I can be myself and live a wonderful life!
Saturday, December 16, 2023
My mother loved dolls and beautiful things
The vintage dolls round and toilet paper covers
Embroidery
Sewing
Crafts
Art drawing, sketching, painting
Writing
Her hand writing was gorgeous
She was quiet patient kind delicate solitary and very family oriented
Ethical to the max
High standards
Clean. Bath daily in the evening
Reading a lot
Crossword puzzle and books
Picture paint by number
Taught me color coordination, matching
Only became angry at criminal behavior injustice drug alcoholic violence behavior people
Kept to herself most of the time
Worked hard low paying minimum wage jobs
Rode the city bus
Never had a driver's license
Thrifty, frugal, wise
Queen of the North East Kansas City MO
Slow
Careful
Christian religious devoted
Went to church every week
I want solutions. He wants problems
And he blames me and everyone else and everything else for his problems and attitude
Stupid fights of poor idiots
1. Over food
2. Things
3. Money
4. Space
5. Activities
6. Job choices
7. Public schools education
8. Transportation
I am the type of woman who wont do it just for the buck
Some females or males will do almost anything for the money or a material thing or physical pleasure
One time a rude nasty male being at work asked me if i would do a despicable thing for a million dollars
I ignored him for 2 weeks pretending he was invisible dead until he couldnt stand it anymore and finally he cornered me in the warehouse while i was stocking merchandise
Some people place a monetary value on everything
And place low value on life
Cant be happy, joyful over little things
Wont listen to a poor person, a child, a woman
Dont value things like ethics doing the right things without earning getting money or physical compensation
Easily replaced. I am quickly and easily replaceable. Low value.
Easily replaced. I am quickly and easily replaceable. Low value.
common tasks work that can be done by almost anyone
dishwashers, cooks, laundress, seamstress, sitter, babysitter, child care, cleaners, home/house cleaning, vacuuming, shopping, dish washing, cooking, baking, grocery shopping
bottom of the totem pole hierarchy
pays nothing or very little
compensation: low wages or no money earned
appreciated only when it is not done, realized when the person has to
do it all themselves then it magically becomes important
priority: low
special work: no
I earn nothing at home doing these things. I have never earned money nor appreciation for these activities, duties, tasks, work.
I was paid ten dollars by my grandpa leroy for cleaning and dishes, shopping, kitchen work back in 2011 or 2012 one time. He did this once. All the times when I had lived in my grandparents house for 10 years as a child I was paid nothing for any work done around in and outside the house.
I took out trash, cleaned up animal crap, vacuumed daily, did laundry, dishes, cleaned 3 bathrooms in our house, mowed the grass, raked up leaves in the front and back yard. Never got an allowance. No money earned. All my physical needs were met, they paid all bills and healthcare, medical, clothing and all that but no mention of wages for doing housework. Most kids children get an allowance so they can learn how to save spend manage money. I learned what I do is worth almost nothing to anyone.
I was paid 10 dollars several times by my son for times he was scheduled to work in a hurry to get there and didn't want to do any kitchen or house work so he would say I will give you ten dollars to do the dishes while he made at first 35 dollars an hour then upped his hourly fee to 70 an hour.
I was paid 40 dollars for two days of babysitting in the beginning. 20 dollars for a day at least 4 hours sometimes 12 hours. It increased to 80 dollars for the whole weekend in the end which was not my idea at all, it was my husbands idea to charge him more money. I had been getting 60 for 2 days of child care for a few years prior to that. Finally my son felt it was too much money, had enough of that and me then decided my grandson no longer needed a sitter at age 9.
Cinderella strikes again.
Thursday, December 14, 2023
Narc responses, actions. Bully blaster.
YOU THE NARC
"Its cold " "No its not. Feels fine. Temperature is x"
"I dont like that" "Theres something wrong with you "
"That hurts" "Youre too sensitive"
I like something else. You have no taste. You have no class. Too hard to please
I know what I like. You dont know what you want, need or like
I would rather.... youre too picky, ungrateful, never satisfied
DRIVES insanely fast
Rushes, in a hurry, impatient
Competitive
Critical
Judgemental
Impatient
Insults most people behind their back
Must be told over and over
Repeats bad rude behavior
Exhausts others
Demanding
Forceful
Slaps some people in the face
Most are fixed in routines rituals beliefs habits
And we don't do the good things we are advised to do
Seek counsel from network of masters and professional people
Money can't
Fix stupid
Change the past
Predict or promise the future
Bring back the dead
Fix broken bodies, hearts or souls
Right wrongs
Erase words said
Extend or guarantee life
Replace your parents
Recreate history
Give you a new lease on life
Cure loneliness
Instill self confidence
Tuesday, December 12, 2023
Monday, December 11, 2023
Bullies in my life.....
are
1. JEALOUS
2. MONEY focused
3. SELF oriented
4. GOSSIP bad news (FIRST TO TELL ABOUT BAD STUFF)
5. LIARS
6. THIEVES
7. SNEAKY
8. SUGAR HOLICS, SWEETS ADDICTION. SUGAR DRINKS, CANDY, DESSERTS, BAKERY DONUTS,
9. ALCOHOLICS
10. GREEDY
11. HOARDING HOARDERS PACKRATS
12, SELFISH
13. ALWAYS LOOKING AROUND
14. EYES DART QUICKLY
15. FACE TO FACE TALKING AVOIDED/DON'T WANT TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE
16. THREATENING
17. PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE/ATTACKING MY BODY; BLACK MY EYES, RIP OUT MY HAIR, KICK ME,
18. LACK, DO NOT RESPECT, DISRESPECTFUL OF ME AND ALL
19. WANT TO BE FIRST
20. PRETEND TO KNOW IT ALL
21. MICROMANAGE
22. YELL, SCREAM, HOLLER OFTEN
23. THINK THEY DESERVE ALL AND NO ONE ELSE DOES
24. GRAB FOOD AND THINGS FROM ME AND OTHERS
25. GET MAD ANGRY PISSED OFF SEEING OTHERS HAPPY
26. PUSH OTHER PEOPLE TO DO THINGS, SHOVE THEM AROUND
27. WANT TOTAL CONTROL
28. CONTROL THE MONEY
29. WATCHING ME AND OTHERS ALL THE TIME TRYING TO DETERMINE HOW MUCH MONEY WE HAVE AND WHAT WE ARE DOING AND GOING TO DO SO THEY CAN DISRUPT PLANS AND UPSET THINGS
30. DISRUPT ACTIVITIES AND GET TOGETHERS BY TAKING FIRST STAGE
31. CENTER OF ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES
32. PREVENT BLOCK EFFORTS OF ACHIEVEMENT IN OTHERS
33. HIDE STUFF, MONEY, THINGS, ACTIVITIES THEY DO
34. SECRETIVE
35. ACCUSATORY
36. EGOTISTICAL
37. NOSEY
38. COMPARE SELF TO OTHERS CONSTANTLY
39. CHEAT
40. TEMPER TANTRUMS
41. GAME PLAYER SUCH AS CHESS, CARD GAMES
42. COMPETITIVE
43. OBSTINATE STUBBORN INFLEXIBLE RIGID
44. HIGHLY CRITICAL OF OTHERS
45. VIDEO WATCHER, NEWS ENTHUSIAST
46. BORED EASILY, BORING PERSON
47. FAST FOOD PREFERRED
48. WON'T RELAX DURING MEALS
49. CLASSY NICE RESTAURANTS AVOIDED
50. THINKS OWNING FANCY CARS, CLOTHES, LOOKING GOOD IS ONLY THING
51. TREATS ME LIKE SHIT
52. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE
53. CLAIMS OTHER PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM
54. SPENDS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON SELF
55. EXPECTS ME TO SCRIMP ON MYSELF IN EVERY WAY
56. QUICK FIXES WANTED
57. AVOIDS NATURAL FOODS, HERBS, VITAMINS
58. JUDGMENTAL
59. CONSTANT SNACKING ON JUNK FOOD THROUGHOUT THE DAY
60.
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Contradictions, Conflicting messages given to me. Opposite things, opposition. Causing confusion
He tells me he wants be to be happy then does almost everything in his power to make me unhappy
Says look nice such as dress nice, wear nail polish, a little eye makeup and all that then gets furious if I look nice/good/attractive
"I'd love if it you made a lot of money, had a good job" then blocks my efforts to do so. Blocking education advancement, formal schooling. Terrorizes me, yells, doubles up his fist saying he is going to and ought to hit me, criticizes attacks my every move.
Android computer robot would suit fine as substitute for real live person
possibly for lots of people
especially those with mental disorders such as myself and many others I know and have known
He's always darting his eyes around and moving around with out warning
Perhaps the same way a thief criminal of different sorts does
A socio or psychopath
Or some kind of psycho
Incurable
Very sore today from biopsy scraping taken December 8
It is raw red and green it looks.
Sprayed off vaginal area water and peroxide then carefully used wash in purple bottle I got from CVS months ago. Nothing I have used cleared up or cured the mysterious ulcer ulcerations down there. It's been there since February 2023.
Dr said she is going to find out what it is, we hope.
Time and energy spent on trying to live and survive with a crazy person
Zapping my energy I could be spending on healing, feeling joy, doing productive things good for the soul, cleaning this place up and making it a nice home to live in, obtain well paying income, enjoying family especially my grandson I dearly love and miss so much my heart is broken from crying so much..
But no I live with a fighter of me , one imagining so many things I have no way of knowing exactly what all is going on in his head. All I know is what he says and what I see him do in front of me. I have no idea what he is doing when I am not with him. I don't know everything going on in his head.
Saturday, December 9, 2023
Truth found and it hurts bad
Thanks to many people who speak truth about men
I now know and crying tears
All I have been is an object used abused taken for granted because I didn't know the methods of men
The Internet is wonderful for allowing communication for all people
Another attack i just survived at home. Untouched physically. Destroyed mentally
Doubled up his fists threatening to hit me again. There is nothing i can do
Friday, December 8, 2023
Night out with my sister in law and girlfriend 1990 early
Driving my 1972 brown Plymouth satellite
We went to some bar no money straight sober and two men insisted inviting us to the house if one of the men
That man was married and his wife was out of town. Picture of her in the living room. His buddy was also married
Guys night out to the bar picking up chicks when their women were gone out of town
We 3 ladies sat in the living room talking for a few minutes then left in my car
I wanted to know answers to the question of what kind of man does this thing when he's married
Did he really love his wife? Yes, he said
Fingers man nicknamed when I was 18 grabbed me from behind trying to kiss me
Old man card shark good friend of my husband Perry Montgomery
Fingers was married
I was carrying my year old baby in my hip , my husband walking in front of me maybe 3 feet ahead in the hallway of fingers house
Left Dr appointment gynecologist today December 8
First time seeing a gynecologist in about 20 years
She took skin sample biopsy scraping in private area
Sore redness ulcers since February 2023
Estrogen cream prescribed
To pick up at Walgreens University health Lakewood Kansas City MO
She not I or anyone knows what it is
Strange
2-3 weeks to get test results from labs
Thursday, December 7, 2023
Polly Anna believes he will change for the better. He won't
Hasn't can't
Refuses
Polly sees and believes in the best in people
She loves gives does nice things for others
Some of these others are wolves eating up the sheep lamb little red riding hood.
Wolf doesn't care. There's always another sacrificial lamb out there waiting not knowing they will be eaten alive raw uncooked even
It costs you money what good are free computer classes at Longview community college he said
Bitching and griping at me for taking free classes
Complaining about the cost to drive to the college back in 1999 2000
I don't know what she thinks she's doing he said 1999
When I got road runner cable internet and was learning computer and how to use the Internet
Adult child automates learned repetitive behavior
Without thinking
Done automatically
Memories memory
Stored programs in each cell: skin hair lungs nose brain ears bones guts heart all organs have /contain memory
Ease of doing movement and thoughts redundance creates recall
Motor skills
Thinking methods
Dental school today. Left side teeth cleaning done
Right side next time schedule for January 11 2024
Plaque builds and grows all the time according to the dentist in training
Brush twice a day using a little toothpaste morning and night before bed, she said
I can also brush my teeth anytime I want
Two minutes each time
Stains on the teeth from coffee and tea. Professor said drink water between cups of tea or coffee and using a straw would help keep stains off the teeth
What if I quit coffee and tea for awhile, no caffeine and see what happens. I project I might sleep most of the day if I do this
It doesn't matter if I even wake up
I have lived long enough
I
A name plate place marker : What you get after you die
This is what a person gets to show for their whole life
Richer dead usually get more expensive markers
Poor get cheaper ones
Not everyone gets a name plate or stone marker or crypt to commemorate their death
If she would have stayed married at home..
With the control freak husband
Marilyn Monroe is just one example to imagine what her life would have been like staying home married never getting out of the "nest trap cage box zoo"
Hand washed dishes and pans for over 50 years. Fed up
With ruining my hands and wasting my time doing things considered worthless
Fingernails dissolve weaken due to dish soap laundry detergent harsh chemicals
Toenail polish lasts much longer
Contrary to what he or anyone thinks I do NOT want to be taken care of and have everything done for me
QUITE the opposite
I want to do what I can do for myself
Choosing, picking the most expensive and/or high quality item
Often I have walked into a store and looked at the array of items and usually I will favor the things that are the highest quality or most expensive when I look at the design
However I do not want to personally own these things such as cars, boats, homes, houses, tools, equipment, kitchen items, clothing, shoes, jewelry
Stuff like this is just something other people would like to own and some would steal
Value. Asset. Liability. Self Worth
Worth being based upon money , cost, resale value. My worth resale value is whatever the current going price of the elements, minerals , metal or other substances my physical body would sell for in a market.
Current self and whole life as I review history of it reveals my personal value and worth might be five cents or 5 pennies in united states currency. It might be one cent, if that.
(It is that) I am a liability more than an asset.
The only asset I have that seems important to anyone has no "et" at the end of the word.
If value is based upon desirability on a scale of one to ten with 10 being the most desirable I am a 1. This might be the only area in my life where I am in first place and being at the lowest end of a scale simultaneously.
Net worth of self in assets that can be sold is below zero in negative numbers.
If the value of a person is determined by how many people want, how many love and how many others will miss that person when they are dead, the current and historical value of myself sits at possibly one. Maybe 2 or 3...and that is doubtful. It cannot be proven to me that 3 people will miss my presence when I am dead, gone out of this body.
What is proof to me that my value is below zero is the absence of contact from all people except one, that one being the man I am married to who detests my presence and life the majority of the time. On rare occassions he protests love, concern, worry for and about me. A few words come out claiming caring about me and about two hugs per year happen.
Wednesday, December 6, 2023
Places I go anymore are making me cry or losing my interest
Today stopped at majr thrift store raytown missouri after I was done going to two food pantries and getting gasoline in my van.
I cried again like i always do anymore when i pulled into the parking lot. Memories flood me of when i used to bring my grandson in there. It is one of the places we shopped many times.
We walked and walked in many places, many neighborhoods. We would find things on the ground, in the street, on the curb sunday night the day before trash day when he lived with his mom and dad on stark avenue at bannister road in kansas city, missouri.
Many more places we went together include Hyvee, price chopper , family thrift, goodwill, red racks, sunnyside park, c lee kenagy park raytown mo, george owens park, lea mckeighan park south in lees summit mo, bannister park, james a reed park, clothier park
red robin restaurant, mcdonalds , burger king, wendys, hardees, arbys, dennys, ihop, olive garden, perkins, chilis, dollar tree, cvs, walmart, qt quiktrip, target, lowes, best buy, vintage stock, independence center,
Olive cafe, laundrymat laundromat robandee center,
Window shopping is what I did at Majr Thrift tonight. Walked thru, didnt want a thing. Typical of me these days. Remembered shopping for and finding many things for me and my grandson. The black leather kids jacket, the bright yellow firemans raincoat, the brand new with tags all red teddy bear in the stuffed animal bin, the special handmade pillows shaped like a sailboat and rainbow, toys and vacuums and sweepers he wanted. The time he cried and screamed because I would not put 4 quarters a whole dollar in the gumball machine by the exit door for some plastic toy he wanted. I have put plenty of quarters in those machines for him for toys not candy or gum.
Hyvee close by majr thrift in Raytown I just went in , grabbed the grocery store ad and a handful of losing lottery tickets out of the trash can next to and between the lottery machines. I used to bring my grandson in there, pushed him around in the kids grocery carts with steering wheels, get him a free piece of fruit he always got a banana and a free cookie back in the bakery department.
How is it and why are similaŕ personalities in each group area
In towns, cities, states
In work groups, neighhorhoods
In families
Anywhwere i have been in situations in places I have noticed this phenomenan of various types of personalities present in the clan club work business country
Across the world it is likely and probably the same
I have travelled to many cities and states and experienced and witnessed this
Tuesday, December 5, 2023
Monday, December 4, 2023
Stop talking, stop giving unasked for advice
People would rather inquire first. People would prefer to pay for good advice i have given away for free.
Talking too much. Telling people stuff they didnt ask to hear.
Old. Stupid. Slow to learn.That is me.
Incidences are countless when i have been told to shut up.
And many things said .. i dont care to hear your opinion, i need a woman who will listen, you think you know it all dont you, i dont believe you, i didnt ask for your advice, no one asked you, its none of your business, just stay out of it, youre not an expert, you dont know what you are talking about, you seem mad angry all the time, quit attacking me, stay away from me, get the fxxxk out of my face, i dont care what you want, just go away, you wear out your welcome, quit talking, you talk too much, i am going to bust you hit you smack you, a few minutes with you lasts six months, you go on and on and on, i dont need your lectures, i have had enough, go away leave me alone, too much talk a little more action, dont say anything, i dont want to be around you, you cause trouble, youre a trouble maker,
Today tells the truth about my undesirable talking behavior. I have no friends. Husband is hateful threatening most of the time. I am avoided by almost everyone. I have no job and havent been employed by someone else or some company since 2001 when i worked for ghazi dinn at one of his stores named gaiths inside the old bannister mall shopping center.
Hated to the extreme by the 2 women running the flea market. All of the neighbors avoid me at all times. Family rarely talks to me and never invites me to any holiday events or gatherings. New people i meet and befriend and give my number to never call me.
The only thing i am is barely tolerated by anyone. I am an overbearing egotistical poor communicator and poor listener. I am socially unacceptable and unbearable.
Better off keeping my mouth shut. Be like i was when i was a child. Quiet, diligent. By myself. Be a very good listener like i used to be and people will think i am a great conversationalist.
Alone. Solo. Solitude.
Solutions oriented.
Ex high school friends wont respond to my friend request. Every one of them i have seen on social networking are one or more of the following: still friends with same friends in high school, overweight, fat, out of shape, dead, drinking booze, cliqueish, clannish, wear lots of makeup, dye hair or bald or all grey haired, really old looking, sugar sweet addicts, have or had some form of cancer,
Sunday, December 3, 2023
She said change your story about him.. watch miracle happen as he changes
Not true
Wont change
However i can change what i say and think
Cord cut gone forever. Never going back.
Once cord is cut in my heart the love is gone in my mind it is forever gone
I don't care anymore
No emotions
No reaction to foolishness and shenanigans
Slow simmering burning fuel to anger, that is me
I take my sweet time in patience
before i really blow up for good
before the grand finale of the end
of the shit
LONG LIST of fools foolish boys men I have known
this list could go on forever ... so I don't even know if I am going to start it with names of those fools I have experience and seen in the news
MEN: Why you are alone. No woman. She left
You are an egotistical braggart stupid dumb ass idiot weak loser failure control freak
I have to repeat myself because:
You don't listen
Can't understand
Fail to get the messaage, the point
You were warned more than once and didn't take heed to the warning
You think all you need to do is work, have money, material things, land, possessions and be as rude mean impolite hateful disrespectful demanding sloppy pig acting and demand instead of command and get any woman or anything you desire, want, need
You throw temper tantrums
You lose control of yourself, have no self control
You run your filthy mouth saying any bull shit crap that comes to mind
You don't consider the consequences or your words. Words are FOREVER
You bite the hand that feeds you
You shit on good people
Are constantly critical of others and not yourself
You lack instropection
You don't think
You pretend to be intelligent by memorizing useless information
Are superior acting, superiority complex
Cross boundaries of people, animals, places and things
Disresepect just about everyone and everything
Break standard rules of laws, conduct, behavior
Demand perfection flawlessness beauty of others and not yourself
You have a flapping rotten tongue spewing garbage
You have it all backwards: YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL of choosing
You are a pig
You are sloppy
Leave messes for her or others to clean up
Eat and run
Fuck, screw, take off leave: HIT and RUN behavior
Take what you want
Are thankless
Lack gratitude
Bitch, complain, moan, scream, yell,throw things
Can't communicate in an adult like manner
Childish as if you are age 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etcetera
Teenage boy acting fantasies of sex sexual desires
Pornography porn nasty obsessed
You hide your filth porn rot because you know it is disgusting and wrong
Spend lots of large sums of money on yourself
Demand she, the wife, girlfriend, woman lives on very little. She must scrimp and sometimes go without even basic needs necessities so you can have all of the big expenditures for yourself
Refuse to go to places she likes
Have no fun
Expect her to dress in tight uncomfortable clothes while you wear baggy looking comfortable clothing and shoes boots
Demand she looks good and has very little to work with
Demands things out of her/them/others and will not do anything he doesn't want to do, feel comfortable doing
She and the kids go without while you savor your money, fancy stuff like huge electronic items, big fancy expensive unnecessary cars trucks vehicle, hunting camping equipment, tools, whatever things you spend tons of money on
Ridicule whatever she likes
Act like you are the master boss manager supervisor father
Treat her like a slave maid fool stupid idiot dumb one who can't learn anything or doesn't know when in fact in reality YOU are the stupid idiot dumb ass fool
Saturday, December 2, 2023
I answer surveys daily. Enter sweepstakes. Have for many years. I earn points to redeem for gift cards, cash, paypal
online surveys from swagbucks, bing, mypoints, inboxdollars, tada
restaurants, burger king, churchs chicken, long john silvers, hardees, wendys
business like cvs, best buy, ebay, amazon, banks; central , arvest, commerce, usbank
utility companies; electric every, water kcwater
He always told me these things
He always told me these things
dont talk
dont talk on phone
dont talk to anybody
dont dance
dont jump and bounce in house
dont ride bike unless seat too high
dont tell anyone anything
dont dress to reveal any ass tits or skin
dont dress baggy clothes, coats, clothes too big
dont wear makeup too much eyes or lips
dont spend any money
dont have fun
dont socialize
dont party
dont relax feel good
dont think
dont look sexy
dont dream
dont do it
that wont work
i dont believe it
i cant believe...
i dont understand
you cant do that
that costs too much money
that wont last
Food control: People in your house will control what and when you eat.
How do I know this?
I have lived in many places and many households.
Possibly more than one hundred, maybe more.
People : source of inspiration or frustration
Who do you live with ?
Who do you work with?
Where are you living?
These people determine your life.
Influence is unavoidable.
People desire freedom and also desire to restrict the freedom of others due to their controlling nature.
Same old stories recycled over and over : The movies, books, music, songs, news
Nothing really new
Just tge same old ones in new clothes
Waiting is fine. Being the first is my last desire
Ive seen too many firsties fail flub or die trying
Friday, December 1, 2023
sexy stuff told to me by men
sexy stuff told to me by men
danny the plumber
talking about cute little black girl he met
after his wife died...
she's cute and pretty
pretty pink fingernails and toe nails
wearing her holey jeans
i'd like to be with her
man at collectible store said
when he saw my feet/toes
that is sexy pink/purple polish on nails an toenails
18 year old guy (braxton) and his 2 friends at the center when i entered to pool are a few weeks ago
"do you need a husband?" first thing out of his mouth
you are beautiful! that is a fact, not an opinion
you have pretty toes!
you look 28 years old
how do you live with yourself being so sexy? a guy i knew back in the 80s
have you ever used your looks to get what you want? ..jeff justice
The molester made fun of me eating ice cream
I was 4 years old. I hated anyone named david. My child brain thought anyone with his name would be the same.
I hid under beds, in a box, in closets. Quiet as a mouse. Barely breathing. Unseen. Until he got me.
David Newman kansas city missori. 1965. His sister Sue would babysit me then she would take off with my eldest brother John Wilson borm january 1949 and leave me with David, her brother.
I have desperately tried to learn live work profit and survive
Living and working with loonies, looney tunes
Insane jealous controlling slave masters, hoarders, tightwads, self centered misers, porn freaks, bipolar schizophrenics, messes of human beings blockaded my dreams life profit stunting me to feed their desires
Miracle i am alive and breathing. Miracle they live without me or anyone else attempting murder
The way i look at it now is i let them live only because i am not a killer. Any other woman, one much smarter than me and one having no heart but ice running thru her veins, would have clipped these ass holes buds immediately and got away with it.
I have something called a strong conscience and i relish freedom far too much to do anything to lose either
Some of these criminals seem to lack conscience, heart feelings and common sense ethics
I may not have a lot of money yet but at least i am not paranoid of police the law or anyone and not watching my back all of the time, fearful of getting caught in shenanigans . I dont give a shit if anyone is watching me or sees me in the window at home at night when the lights are on.
My first computer October 31, 1999 Compaq From Hell
This nightmare set me back 3 years
My first novice internet training on one of the worst things ever made
Extended warranty finally granted after three years of misery i suffered trying to learn on junk compaq desktop solo by myself no tutor teacher or training by best buy manager from hell after repeated returns due to malfunctioning software system snafu
I had big dreams to connect the world in 2000
Internet main directory including every category A to Z linking everyone to anyone from my main source
October 31, 1999 my first computer
Severe back pain today. No food until 645 pm nov. 30, 2023 thursday
Pain usually more severe after eating, especially after second meal of the day. It was very bad before having any food. Dont know why. Cooked a 16 lb turkey in the oven right before eating. 230 pm to 630 pm cooking and cleaning this hodgepodge hole.
Instant mashed potatoes, boxed stuffing, canned green beans, gravy package inside frozen turkey, white bread rolls store bought baked 350 degrees in the oven. Turkey was pretty much the only fresh home cooked food.
Laid down on my bed stretched did childs pose yoga, laid flat on back put both legs up to help alleviate some pain, rolled around on sides side a bit, typed stuff on this blog on mu samsung tablet while lying in bed.
Did these for a couple of hours then got up. 1030 pm to 1230 am kitchen cleaning filled up dishwasher, whites in laundry going, more trash dealt with, cleaned a little kitchen floor swept with broom sprayed with vinegar water, scrubbed area in front of kitchen counter by dishwasher and stove with damp rag ajax cleanser and vinegar water, cleaned off most of dining room table, reorganized tomatoes he pulled from garden last month, sorted thru some pantry items, filled washing machine halfway with rain water husband had brought in from rain barrel outside a few days ago. He hauled in most of the rain water i hauled in about 6 one gallon buckets and put in buckets placed in big wash basin sink next to the washing machine in the basement.
Almost farm life style.
Thursday, November 30, 2023
Why do things seem to make more sense when i look back at the timeline of events in my life?
What happened at that moment was precursor for future events to come unknown to me at the time it happened.
Compelled to do a thing at the moment prepared me for what was to come later in the future
My attention drawn to a specific area location would later prove its reason why my subconscious was attracted to it
My attention drawn towards anyone, any thing, activity has preceded its coming and importance in my life
My tears and sadness often come prior to the sad event of loss i experience; precognition, clairvoyance, a knowing i do not kmow why , have no proof evidence or explanation for. I just know, intuitively instictively some things prior to or during time it happens
I have a gajillion examples of these clairvoyant and precognitive experiences going way back. The first time i can remember now at this time was when i was 4 years old a dream of separation from my 3 baby brothers in an elevator.
Crying spells are common before death or loss of contact of a loved one
Emphatic i am labelled as intense
Emphasis given on truth reality i see
Unwanted behavior i have own am serious, dead on, to the point
No one wants to hear it
Hobo homeless tramp trash mismatched
Drives me crazy when things are haphazard, out of balance
Colors patterns not coordinated, matched, inappropriate for area or circumstance
Subconscious suicide when human or animal does things it knows is wrong or hurts itself
Wreckless dangerous behavior
Driving fast, erratic
Overworking
Drugs drugging self alcohol uppers downers pain killers
Lifting too much weight
Pushing self beyond limits
Exposing body to any extreme: food overeating, undereating, starving, temperatures, cold, hot
Unsafe environments
Shady criminal people associates
Rushing, speeding, not allowing enough time
Too much to do
Too much stuff, material things
Genius often recognized until after the fact.
Sometimes hundreds of years after a person dies is he she recognized for talents, foresight
A person shouldn't have to practice self defense at home
On guard ready for attack
Spouse partner roommate family member
Wife against husband or vice versa
Child girl or boy against mom mother or dad father brother sister cousin aunt uncle nephew niece grandparent grandma or grandpa grandmother, grandfather or any other family friend associate or acquaintance
However the world and home is filled with enemies wanting to pick a fight attack innocent beings creatures minding their own business in peace. Disruption happens everywhere I guess and suppose. No one is free to be themselves left alone to be comfortable at ease in life
Rude impolite disrespectful behaviors
Raining on my parade shitting on happiness joy of another
Denigrating devaluing another
Taking over choices of another : food, eating, clothing, hobbies, work, school, education, yelling when not life threatening emergency
Invading territory personal space
Grabbing stealing food off anothers plate area
Sucker punch
Sneaking up on unannounced
Belching burping passing gas and not saying excuse me
Nose picking in front of anyone
Not washing hands thoroughly
Handling food from serving plate with your hands dirty clean or not
Reaching far across table for condiments platters or anything else (pass instead)
Licking serving utensils spoons ladles forks knives and especially attempting to return licked or touched utensil to serve food or drink, these are heathen animal actions
Talking over another, finishing sentences
Doing things another can do and expects to do
Treating others like they are dumb stupid incapable
Not allowing others a choice to make a decision. (Here, let me do it for you since you are obviously incapable attitude)
Humiliating others
Constant criticism
Noises made or lights turned on or off in any fashion mode waking people up rudely suddenly frightening them
Wednesday, November 29, 2023
Tuesday, November 28, 2023
Some think there is something wrong with me for being simple
Natural
No makeup
Plain looking
Plain colored clothes
Plain food
Focus on tv cell screen window computer monitor and ignore clutter mess around you
This is how we get nothing done, live in a mess, be sedentary, become the judge critic instead of the active doer participant
Monday, November 27, 2023
One day you will thank me, grandma said. So right, correct. Dec 2, 2008 she died. 15 years ago.
Common among children, grown adults.
Thanked after dead, dying, died, exiting the situation.
Walking off several jobs due to tyrant boss manager management supervisor business owner
After leaving deadbeat childish tantrum throwing partners spouse wife husband friend associate neighbor
I have been thanked by management after i walked off the job, begged to come back by ex husband boyfriend, they said you were right way too late after i gave many warnings and chances, never to return to that situation
You were right, they said, long after they missed the boat....
By the time i leave its too late. Never went back to any of them once my mind was made up.
How many chances should a disrespectful adult be given?
Not sure.
However I have learned that the disrespectful teenager usually stays that way throughout their entire adult life, according to the adults I know and have known during the last 60 plus years of my life.
Sunday, November 26, 2023
She and he mocked me for having feelings
Feelings of sadness, mourning, loneliness, empathy, compassion, understanding,
I have been ridiculed by many for having such emotions
Those without compassion said why should you care it didnt happen to you, thats ridiculous you shouldnt feel that way or care, it doesnt affect you, its not your fault, stay out of it its none of your business,
Hitchcock cheap is cheap husband twin to mine
Was going to file for divorce but too cheap for the lawyer or doing inventory for status of assets
Thinks he can take it all
Throw me out
With almost nothing
Except my vehicle
Nov 24 2023 he hugged me no reason randomly
Is that the second time this year or the third time he gave me a hug?
Only people he has not met has he not took over hijacked from me
Best and better not to introduce him to the ones he has not met
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." -- Bertrand Russell
Your Daily Quotation:
"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."
-- Bertrand Russell
Saturday, November 25, 2023
Enticing a male accidentally or on purpose is the easiest thing for a female to do
Keeping him around, his attention on you only is perhaps the most difficult thing to do as he is so easily distracted
his natural instinct and nature is to seek out as many possible mates in order to be the father of all and then he does not want anything to do with the upbringing of the kids or the whole process of the female's pregnancy ... that is from my own personal experiences and things i witness worldwide
he wants the sex act, brief encounters of bodies merging together, not the whole lifelong process of caring for the child/children he made by fertilizing the eggs of those females/girls/women he screwed
just like when he sees good food laying out somewhere, he eats it up until he is full then takes off running off to go do something else leaving the whole fukkking mess for the woman to clean up as the man thinks he has "more important things to do" than clean up after himself or anyone else
I question the intelligence of human beings the most out of all creatures
the "adult" humans are the culprits
the worst of all creatures life forms living beings on this planet and possibly other planets
the stupidity of our race has to be the ultimate dumbness of all the life forms in the universes galaxies systems
Being ready to go first thing in morning has always been a huge problem issue with me
I cant think or move much upon waking up, usually late
if I have to get up early I am not good for very long, have to go take a nap in a few hours
If I get up late after 930 to 1030 I usually do better
Nocturnal in a world of DAY Diurnal people is a real challenge for me. ..always has been
and daytimers seem to be the pushiest of all
attempting to force their circadian rhythm upon night timers
Friday, November 24, 2023
It depends on where you are and who is there as to how you are treated
Learn this everyday, every time i go anywhere
Generally ignored in crowds, crowded places public or private
Two days ago I went to a Small place, a former pizza hut turned tavern in belton, less than 10 people including customers and working employees, i seemed center of attention . Strange. Very unusual.
Factors i conclude probably causing this unusual attention received :
regulars were in there sitting around drinking in the dark for hours.
I am a stranger new face to their scene.
I came in for a sandwich and fries thats it. I dont drink alcohol.
In familiar and family places i am a regular and regularly ignored, dismissed, left out, unheard majority of the time. Nobody gives a flying heap about me or what i have to say, need or want. Im not even looked at unless i am dressed weird. My absence is appreciated much more than my presence. I am told to leave, shut the fuck up, get out of my way and face,
Location and people are determining factors of treatment.
Dead people
Late last night November 24, 2023 found out she, debra wall, died a week ago. No one contacted me. Discovered it on the Internet. Who is next? When is it my turn to end life in this body?
Debra Phillips Wall born January 14, 1962 to November 15, 2023
Richard chris rixner jan 11, 1960 to july 21, 2023
Wendolyn Wendy Moody aug 26 1966 to march 15, 2022
John william layson nov 13, 1946 to may 9, 2023
Timothy Phillips 38 . May 1983 to jan 13 2022
Michael wall. July 19 to july 2021
All is always in the all
Before conception and to death of physical body and beyond that death the all is always present
It never left
The god presence is always there throughout all time
Thursday, November 23, 2023
Grandma would say "I like to have fun" and Grandpa agitated her to get her mad destroying her good mood
Just exactly like my husband and former 2 husbands
These all think money and material things are/ is the answer.
The last two are always looking for that "perfect" looking doll woman and never investing into the woman they have. Some other woman is always better than what they've got.
Wrapped up into movies, porn and images of someone somewhere else
NOT having fun with me. Ever
Partner you live with affects your life most. You can't get away from them and effects they have on you.
A friend of mine told me to "just ignore him", referring to my husband and have had many tell me to just don't pay attention to someone anywhere at work or wherever I am.
This does NOT work when you have to deal with this person on a daily basis.
Getting completely away FOREVER is the only solution.
Even then, the effects last forever and ever. Memories are not erasable.
Remember how a person makes you feel. Lasts indefinitely.
I have had people tell me they remember that I was "a lot of fun"
Wednesday, November 22, 2023
When child cant please parent mommy or daddy..
Feels unaccepted, unloved, not wanted unappreciated
What does adult child do?
Air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.. suffocating
Tension in grandparents house I grew up in. My mom used to say this to describe her mother's and stepdad house
Funny how that is what I have lived in the past 30 + years and 10 years before that
My mother was beautiful ...
She endured much suffering . Died at age 64 on December 14, 2003. Born May 14, 1939. Sun sign Taurus, Cancer rising on ascendant.
She ended up in poverty, lived in horrible bad ghetto neighborhood since divorce 1971 april until her death in 2003. Didn't have money but remained highly ethical, clean, looked nice, never did drugs or drank alcohol. ended up overweight due to cheap food bad diet. she did take vitamins and practiced cleanliness baths, skin care. Her savior nature caused her to marry a man who was an alcoholic, Warrren was 4 years older than me born 1957, 18 years younger than my mom.
mean hateful comments from family members including her own mother who loved her dearly but was hypercritical of her
step grandpa was instigator of criticism calling my mother horrible names because he was such an ass hole and he was proud of it. grandma would call him an ass hole sonofabitch bastard mother fucker and he enjoyed her screaming at him, telling him exactly what he was. grandpa leroy called my mother fat, lazy because he could not stand to relax himself. he was overly competitive and thought it was the way to be. he was a very hard worker however was repulsive to me ever since i can remember. I was 5 years old he scared me half to death with his loud voice, yelling and bad breath. Trying to give me a hug and I pushed myself away from him. Didn't like him or trust him. Grandma kept me safe and clean and healthy and protected me. He was rude rash crazy fast driver. Thought the was so intelligent. She called him an educated idiot. How true.
WOMAN: YOUR WORK MEANS NOTHING. YOUR LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING
woman your work means nothing
cook clean housework laundry errands
education schooling learning teaching
work your ass off like a man doing mens work
and he will be looking at and lusting after feminine looking girls females other women
seeking opportunities to nail any beautiful holes he can sniff out
sniffing like a damn dog
BEST ADVICE: LOOK YOUR BEST AT ALL TIMES
BE A WOMAN BE BEAUTIFUL
Be feminine. Be natural, soft, pretty, cute.
Be desirable.
SMILE
DRESS NICE
--------------------------------
I am tired fed up with all of my efforts working at things trying to make things right and nice and pleasant for him or anyone else. He does not listen, does not care. Neither did any other man I had a relationship with or worked with or around.
My entire life has been a fight for my right to get a formal education and work at my internet sales and get people together, linking and mediating others
My looks seem to be the only thing that are the most important as no one is listening to a damn thing I say or any work I do regarding cooking, cleaning, sales,
My brain and intelligence do not matter to anyone and never have mattered
So the only thing I can do now is invest in myself and put all of my energy into looking my best, as my grandmother told me many many years ago... she said "Always look your best"
----------------------------------
I don't care what you want anymore.
I am not busting my ass going out of my way to please you. You don't appreciate it. You dont want to do anything willingly for me or for anyone. You don't want to do anything unless you get paid money for it.
I can't love you and help you get over childhood trauma of hatred and rejection and feelings of worthlessness. All you do is try to make me feel worthless, ugly and powerless.
Too many other people, men and women and children are out there who are nice and kind and appreciate life. They love people and animals and life in general.
too many other men have thrown money food and services at me .. there are many who willingly go out of their way to make others happy. you don't. you don't want to say or do anything to make me happy. you go out of your way to make me miserable and put on a phony fake front in public trying to look perfect when you are really a scared little boy bullying me as much as possible trying to destroy my beauty my feminity my love of life and fun and work and dancing
Tuesday, November 21, 2023
Monday, November 20, 2023
Some can hate a person and screw
Have no respect, love, consideration for one and sex them
Say i dont care about or like her but she looks good i would fuck that then walk off
People do these things when i am around
Silent
Running
Avoiding
Never or rarely call
Dont invite or tell me about events
Turn away
Agree fast to shut me up even when they dont agree
Dont walk with me but usually a long way in front of me
Say shut the eff up, i dont want to hear or listen to you, i dont believe you
Act pretend they are not with me, embarassed? Ashamed?
She and he said I havent treated you bad
And ridiculed me and mocked me and said after all ive done for you
Haughty arrogant status for appearance seekers
I was the showoff piece supposed to make grade a in school
Trophy not human
NEVER CHASE A MAN! Be VERY choosey about accepting,talking to the ones who chase you. Hard lesson I finally learned
Never chase or be the first to make an advance.
When he seems interested NEVER fall head over heels and show him
I have been beat up, both eyes black and blue damaged from male fist bashing my face, body parts attempted to be torn off of me, kicked in the head and knocked out raped and sodomized, attempted strangulation, raped in my sleep, punched, kicked, smacked, yelled at, all by men that I pursued and basically made the first move.
HUGE MISTAKE. One of many i have made.
Sunday, November 19, 2023
Movement of All: Necessary
Air
Water
Everything is and must keep moving
even though it may appear to be still
Saturday, November 18, 2023
She's looking good. Would like to have sex with her again to see if it's the same...
said by a man friend of mine
referring to his ex live in woman girlfriend who always had sex with him at the drop of a hat and yet he ran out around finding sex with any available person
Decisive Decisions ..oscillating or firm, flexible or rigid
Both are inherent practiced
evolved from constantly making decisions
each one thing decided affects all others in front of it in the future
Control freaks people
fearful humans that we are...
restrict other life forms containing them, boxing them up, tying up, pinning down
put themselves in position of power authority
use word "should" alot
whatever i need or want or am doing he gets for himself. i mention something he gets or does it. done to maintain illusion of control dominance in household and relationship. creating dependency and total imbalance
food/eating, mattress, stereo music equipment, tires
medical care
years and years i go without seeing a doctor for my severe scoliosis, basic exams, medical treatment, ulcers, gastritis, duodenitis, eczema, from 2006 to 2016 no doctor no care except one visit to a dentist 100 he paid for due to his obsession with seeing dentist about teeth
dominates telephone, any item around here
whatever i can do he does it then screams and yells i dont do anything around here except maybe the laundry and dishes
gets mail, monitors mail, has probably tossed out my stuff, cleans off drive, patio, dusting vacuuming floors..things i can do without further breaking my back
Friday, November 17, 2023
You are an effing bitch
I told new supervisor at public storage july 2000
She immediately fired me over the phone saying youre relieved
Marta, micromanaging ex militant narcissist
If you are an ass hole i am not working here...
Exact words i said to ne manager at clark oil 1993
Ira goss. He was a good nice manager.
So was Mike the assistant
The person I was versus today living dead girl
Direct result of treatment, experience, conditioning.
I am still in there waiting to come out, return to me the way i fully am not the skeleton shell i have become, starved of appreciation.
Giving in to a bully kills. No respect for kind people
Bullies have No respect for the ones who give in to abuse and will never respect the kind hearted.
Progressively gets worse no chance for change.
Will never respect the one who gave in, put up with their bad behavior and forgave them by making excuses because the victim is a kind soft hearted person. The kind person never gains respect from the bully regardless of what they do to try to gain respect.
Kind people are used up and spat out with disgust.. that stupid idiot fool see how i took advantage of them and twisted everything around to make thrm think they are the crazy one that is the cause of all my problems. Bully thinks others are taking advantage of them. Laugh at pain and misfortune of others. Take good people and things for granted. Dont cry because they sympathize or empathize but yell in anger throwing temper tantrum fits going into a rage often.
Thursday, November 16, 2023
Vulgar vulgarity
Rough, rash, mean, uncouth, uncivilized, incorrigible..
Some beings seem vulgar. Most of the ones I've met are males.
I have been acting vulgar as I have become older. It could be due to dealing with rude antagonistic males and some females.
My rude actions include
raising my voice/talking too loud/yelling,
occassional swearing/cursing/cussing/using foul language
talking too much and over people
Rude, vulgar, abrasive behavior I have experienced from others, mostly men include
not saying excuse me or some other apology for burping belching farting
discussing unpleasant subjects during mealtimes
pushing me out of the way
not opening the door, car or otherwise, for me
taking over an activity I am doing
performing an activity I could do for myself and they know it. they do it anyway regardless of how it makes me feel
interrupting me, talking over me, finishing my sentences
name calling
condescending attitude
making sexual advances towards me and not taking no for an answer
not taking no for an answer in regards to anything I say no to
invading my space territory
taking things of mine, moving my stuff around
Wednesday, November 15, 2023
Grandpa
Competetive
Focused on sports
Worked full time teacher
Summertime painted schools full time
A job was most important
Grew up poor
Money and sex focused
Food, ate regularly, meals on time, never cooked. Breakfast snacks lunch dinner
Said to me often the best exercise is pushing yourself away from the table
Bought me my second carrS
Coin collections sacajaweia was one
Said little girls learn around the age of 5 the influence they have way they affect other people, cute, pretty
Stiff rigid narcissist, authoritarian, public image, status, how people look and dress, my or anyones hair, appearance, his clothing, money
Fixed one track mind, grandma called him one way corrigan, picked at grandma until she got mad angry then laughed
Interesting how my husband is so similar to him
Used word "wonderful" when i stated something i deemed good
Always focused on how i and people look. Asked me do you ever smile?
Called people derogatory names: Lazy, punk,
Loud voice, yelled.
Didnt like talking on the phone but grandma did
57 years married to my grandma. December 2, 2008 she died
Got married years later to woman a 2 years older than me myrna bornjuly 1959, me july 1961
March 2018 died age 92
ALWAYS INVEST IN MYSELF.
ALWAYS INVEST IN MYSELF.
NEVER RELY ON SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. PEOPLE ARE FALLIBLE AND WILL NEVER MEET FULL EXPECTATIONS. ONLY I CAN FULFILL MYSELF ALL OF THE TIME.
My grandson is an empath born april 2014
He is naturally kind thoughtful and very sensitive. He cries easily.
He hates contact sports. He hates certain family members dislikes others alot. Men and women. Every time i went there to babysit him He begged me to stay extra days to watch him at his house as i am not allowed to keep him at my house due to my husband.
He hits himself rather than be aggressive fight back punch someone else. He told me his friend angel a boy his own age gets mad and hits him and he doesnt hit him back. Angel and him started spending the night with each other last year. I think he is the first stay over friend he has had.
He was slapping himself across the face until he was around 7 and i finally figured out why. He was being slapped by an adult couldnt fight back figured he would slap himself and hit himself so someone else wouldnt have to do it, same behavior that i have. I am not aggressive, never go up to someone punching them or threatening them and i live with someone who does those things to me. I didnt teach him that, it is born into his personality.
HE is not mean cruel or otherwise harmful to other living things people or animals
He was being punched in the gut and hit in the chest at mealtimes a person yelling at him "eat your food!" He was being slapped across the face first time i knew of when he was 15 months old. It was probably happening before that because he would slap me for no reason when he was 8 months old.
Tackled nelson wrestling hold grip, tight hold to make him stop moving punished for climbing on furniture age 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and beyond..to me unreasonable punishment because all healthy children naturally climb things. He was hit hard forcefully on his legd for kicking the back of the seat in the vehicle by someone else.. i just moved the seat farther away in my van when i took him somewhere so his feet couldnt reach it. All kids kick the back of the seats in cars.
When he was 3 we were sitting in my van in the parking lot at dollar tree 89th and wornall and he kept going on and on talking about being pushed and knocked down . I witnessed a tall man kick him in the back knocking him down to the ground more than once. He did it because he said he wasnt listening to him, not doing what he said instantly.
If i refiled for disability and won id be dead by the time its approved
2005 was 2nd time i was turned down for social disability
Judge denied claim
Same judge who denied first claim
I have mountainscof old paperwork from the filings
Had a social security disability lawyer Joan Deans office was in business building 63rd & Blue Ridge, kansas city, mo 2001 was year of first filing
Joan mailed a box of paperwork from the case after losing the second time
If it would be granted now i wonder what the back pay would be....
Tuesday, November 14, 2023
Men now and then
He spends most money and time on himself, cars hobbies interests food guns stereo speakers and equipment tools camping stuff expensive color levis 517 to have the best quality of everything for himself expects me settle for anything i can get and be happy with it the bare minimum
Doesn't dance or watch me and ogles other women dancing exercising aerobics pilates yoga nude pornography and xxx adult clubs
Yells loudly at me my left ear hearing damaged from the last ex
Whines
Leaves me at home and takes off frequently
One went to Nudie titty topless bars lied about going while I am home watching kids cooking cleaning laundry treats me like shit hits me blacks my eye
Liars cheats thieves self centered egotistical braggarts mean flirting with women in front of me and when I am not looking
Porn obsessed watchers
Monday, November 13, 2023
Black blood in parts of stool, poop. Bright red bleeding
Noticed dark black sections in stool , again yesterday and day before . Bright red sometimes .. a couple of months ago september a large amount of bright red blood filling wads of toilet tissue paper then again several more days since.
Researched. Dark blood Could be upper gi bleeding, stomach, colon, intestines , bright red lower area possibly colon, hemorrhoids.
Stomach cancer or other gastrointestinal area . Whatever the cause or what it is I dont want it nor do I want examx oscopies of any kind, colonoscopy or any type of procedure.
Been eating good food, rounded diet meat vegetables raw and cooked, fruit fresh and canned. Take senna pills occassionally, natural laxative to help have bowel movement. So it is surprising to see these bleeding issues. Might explain the unexplained bouts of fatigue lasting weeks or just a few days.
At any rate I have been slowly working on getting rid of extraneous things. Something to do while I am still alive. Others will cart haul off the mess when I am dead or god forbid incapacitated so it only matters to me. I want consideration for the living and less of a mess for them to deal with. Universal energy knows I have certainly cleaned up plenty of messes, my own and others and continue to do so daily. Dirt and shit are handed to me in abundance to deal with.
Way I am treated is according to the person
Has nothing to do with value
Value is determined by the individual
One person treats me like gold while another treats me like trash, another one ignores
Sunday, November 12, 2023
Am I Crazy? I asked myself age 9
Living in households with adults misbehaving, being out of balance.
A true apology is demonstrated by changed behavior permanently
Repenting (changing) because recognized mistake and does not repeat bad behavior forever
Recognize nice or mean behavior first meeting someone
What is said, their focus
Impulsive, irrational or slow thoughtful
Question themselves introspective? Or only critical of others.
Save yourself years of fristration identify what youre dealing with upon first meeting
Saturday, November 11, 2023
I dont know what she thinks shes doing....
He said to cable installer guy when we first got internet 1999 road runner, time warner cable
He had to have cable tv about 40 dollars wasted per month i paid for
No can do: things obstructed, made difficult or impossible. Possible solutions
Difficult or impossible to do at home:
use Washing machine at home
Cooking what i want anytime
Cleaning floors
Vacuuming
Clearing out getting rid of things not needed, clutter
Dusting my way
Owning appliances furniture cars dishes anything i want
Van maintenance repairs cleaning car wash in driveway
Decorating, remodelling
Garage sale
Exercising dancing at home living room
Listening to music anywhere except master bedroom
Social gatherings, holidays at home
Designing anything regarding the yard, house, any object here at house
All things duties here are made complicated difficult
Organizing
Plant ownership inside or out
Garden
He took over virtually every item, area, duty, activity all the way down to smallest things like getting the mail
Talking on phone anytime i want
Recovering properly from future back surgery i desperately need
Having visitors i want anytime
Have grandson over or any family member or any person
Babysit anyones kids children
Be myself
College courses
SOLUTIONS POSSIBILITIES:
EAT out. Get prepared food
Sell online
Work somewhere away from home
Laundrymat
Car wash
Leave house to work
Leave house to exercise, have any kind of social life, entertainment, hobby
Sleep, bathe, eat frozen, canned, fresh food in house
Reduce household chores to nothing (còoking, dishes, laundry, cleaning are very time consuming activities. Use time to work, eat, socialize, hobbies away from home)
Gym community center exercise
Dictator attracted to what type of person people woman or man
What and who they can dominate, control
Nice and easy puppet targeted
Friday, November 10, 2023
He threw psycho fit again last night
Over the washing machine making loud noise
Blamed it on me as usual
Now I don't even want to use a washer here. Rather wash by hand and go to the laundry mat
Thursday, November 9, 2023
Autopilot. Run on it
Professionals, especially do this.
Things done that are ingrained habit or instinct.
Done without thinking about it.
Female is to look at and look back
And she doesn't have to say a word
or do anything else such as be smart, work, have know how, chase, run, compete
She looks good and gives that look and that is it
I have known a few silent females/girls/women who speak little, reveal hardly anything, stay to themselves privately and secretly, go on about whatever business they are doing and they are quite successful at living without allowing anyone to distract them
Dumb Things
Not knowing how dumb I am/was/can be
Unaware that other people are dumb
Being dumb without realizing it
Making friends with the dumb
Listening to dumb advice from the dumb who are also unaware of just how dumb we both are
Saying dumb things
Saying anything especially when silence suits best
Dumb talks too much
Doing dumb activities
Not knowing that dumbness has nothing to do with age. An infant is often wiser than a very old person.
Dumbness often increases when the child enters school
Dumbness increases with age especially when the child learns from dumb elders, family, teachers, professionals, adults, teenagers
Dumb person doesn't know it is dumb
Dumb person does not question its intelligence or correctness
Wednesday, November 8, 2023
Nagging is saying it more than once
Listen to me or anyone the first time.
Nagging, preaching, giving a sermon, lecturing, talking on and on forever incessantly telling people information, giving them messages.
Repeating themselves over and over again. Advertisers do it all of the time.
It is done by many people who get paid to do it.
I talk and repeat myself and am that I am lecturing and nagging. The person didn't listen the first time, clearly evident by the questions they ask me. I do not want to have to repeat myself, do not enjoy wasting my breath, time and energy. It is exhausting.
Finally found out why I don't have a bunch of girlfriends or even one: Men and sex
And I have lots of male friends/associates
..... instincts in females tell them things words cannot
Nothing needs to be said, they know lots of men are attracted to me and I converse well with males. I am married and have lots of sex with my husband only. My husbands instincts tell him many men want my body for sex so he's always ready for it constantly on the alert to see if I am wanting it..he knows plenty of others are after it even though he doesn't say it often in words; his actions speak for all of it. He is hyper aware of what I am wearing at all times, the position of my body, the words I say and how much I talk, jealous, easily angered, wanting to know my whereabouts and who I talk to and what I talk about. He has always said things like "Never be alone with a man in a house or anywhere".
In my own personal experiences he is right about not being alone with a man anywhere. Each man is different, some are polite and respect my wishes right away, some keep pushing and won't take no for an answer. However even the polite ones would jump right on top of me if I let them.
Male wolves watching, silently waiting for a "weak" moment when they think they can slip in the back door, imagining they could have the opportunity to strike gold in the honey pot. Most of them seem to have this strange type of thinking that they can just be the lucky one because they happen to be there or they have money or skills even though I have flat out told some of them I wouldn't let you touch me regardless of what you have or do. You're not getting in my bins if you were the last man on earth. If you just want sex go find a trick whore type who does do anything with anyone for the money or job.
And I am pretty sure these guys have a bunch of females on their want list anywhere they go or anyplace they have seen some woman they'd like to grab, drag off by her hair, fornicate her in any place whether she or he is married or not. Marriage does not mean anything to a lot of these guys I have come across. Their own wife can be standing right next to me and they make the pass, flirting when she is not looking or sometimes blatantly saying and doing sexual advances right in front of her.
Female that I am I do not CHASE MEN/males,boys
A simple lesson I was taught by by female elders that I am re-learning again today
Boys and men chase me
Clock fell off wall and broke on novembrr 6, 2023
Late evening. After 11 pm.
Put new round white background battery operated $4.82 clock on north master bedroom wall. It fell off. Broke face thin glass and square box mechanism that operates clock broke off back plastic and came off stem and second hand. Threcentire clock away Nov. 7, 2023.
Significant event? Could be. Last time my mothers old clock fell off that wall john layson called me soon after, all hell broke loose.
Tuesday, November 7, 2023
NEVER get committed to an ADULT one who lacks SELF CONFIDENCE
They will end up destroying your life and all of your efforts will be in vain. Regardless of what you do they will never feel totally confident. They will do things to attempt to destroy your happiness and confidence in yourself.
Once the self confidence is destroyed in CHILDHOOD it remains throughout the entire life
I have NEVER succeeded in helping any ADULT gain confidence regardless of how much I tried
The child made to feel unloved, unwanted, worthless, stupid, anything negative will attempt to do things to feel loved, wanted and important and will usually fail throughout their entire life. No amount of caring form me has built the self confidence of a grown person who carries with them the feeling of being a worthless piece of trash/crap/shit.
Monday, November 6, 2023
News fans
Those Obsessed with news
Learn hatred war prejudice fear
Often old people
In their childhood observed others focusing on the war and adopted the same pattern of news stories to watch. Developed hatred for culture and differences between themselves and others
I lived with family members who watched the news observed grandparents who were prejudiced and parents who were not
My preference is to avoid focusing on the bad news therefore I skip it
Your back looks so bad I am surprised you can even walk !
said by my husband today November 6, 2023
"All it takes is when one disc slips...and you're going to be crippled unable to walk...
you need to be careful
Sugar causes schizophrenia" my friend Kirk said
a few years ago Kirk made the comment about too much sugar causes schizophrenia
one of the wisest things ever said
not only does it cause serious mental disorders it results in serious physical ailments
the brain is physical
the chemicals ingested or encountered anywhere affect the body thus the mind
airborne, liquid, solid, whatever form of matter affects all things
and the temperature and humidity levels along with wind movement is determining factor of chemical changes and affectations upon all life
Gaining is not giving up. "Giving up" is GAINING/ Exchanging
Quitting a thing is called giving up
Framing my mind differently is what I do because if I feel like I "GAVE up" something it means I can never go back: a mental restriction limiting my feeling of CHOICE
I am not "giving up" any certain thing because the option is always open to do that thing and I choose to do something else instead of that thing that wasn't doing me any good
So I GAIN by changing my choices in whatever I do
Exchanging one behavior for another
Sunday, November 5, 2023
The first test of a truly great man is his humility." -- Ruskin
Your Daily Quotation:
"The first test of a truly great man is his humility."
-- Ruskin
Many things i wish i had learned as a child
many things i wish i had learned as a child
12-30-2018
health: food diet nutrition
how to cook
wealth: money management and attaining money and property
wisdom
happiness
stress management and elimination of unnecessary stress
appreciation what is and what has been and what will be
socializing
how to know and understand myself,
relate to different kinds of people
friends
family
neighbors
co-workers
bosses
employees at businesses I do business with
strangers I meet when I am out walking, shopping
psychology
how to read people, accept myself as i am and
others as they are
practice self control instead of thinking i can control everyone and everything around me
freedom
drives of life... what motivates people
the reasons why we think, feel and do what we do
purpose: procreation, replication, sex, self expression, control
recognition, appreciation
necessities :
air first
water second
food third
shelter housing
clothing
transportation
I repeat this to myself daily:
I am healthy, wealthy, wise, happy, free and have lots of friends and family.
I grew up in a well meaning family who did the best they could with what
they had.
However I didn't know anyone who wondered why they thought and
did what they did or how they arrived at where they were.
Dysfunction at its best. Nobody explained to me what was going on.
Nobody knew what was really happening or why
and they didn't want to know why.
I questioned the behavior of myself, my family and other people I knew.
I asked many people why, why, why.?
Often I was told to shut up, not question anyone and not to
disagree with anyone.
Agreeing with everyone is impossible. I resolved to agree to disagree and
not force my opinions upon others but let them know what I think and
they are free to think any way they want to think. That is okay with me.
I have been told I think too much, am crazy, don't understand
I have been humiliated, criticized, laughed at, minimized, shut out,
ridiculed
Food, drinks chemicals cause results
Mood, state of mind
Regularity
Abnormality
Psychosis
Size, growth, weight
Functions
I am convinced these chemicals are responsible for sanity or insanity, the ability for the being to be calm or out of control, basically any state of being.
Greedy are like pigs
Greedy are like pigs
Hogging up the good stuff, running things, doing as little as possible
and tricking other people into being slaves by withholding true information
and lying to the public
Promoting ideas of being a workaholic, an alcoholic, an exercise freak
who consumes strange brews and food in order to look like an inhuman
muscular mass, a fanatic of something --pick a category
Once a rumor comes out in the news it is followed by innocent
brainwashed beings Fake food, concoctions, remedies, cures is advertised and pushed
Lots of cheap drinks and food sweetened either with sugar or artificially sweeteners,
imitation flavors, enchancers (this stuff makes them the most money especially
premade drinks, sauces and premade seasonings and packaged items)
Finally have peace to write at 12:45 am
Long day of housework, food preparation, eating, resting awhile, lots of dishes.
No walk today. Will definitely go out tomorrow.
Hope they quit daylight saving time by next spring.
It's not saving anything ..ideated by money minded idiocratisers like people I have lived with that scrimp down to the bare bone on little stuff like a night light left on so a person can see if they happen to get up in the middle of the night then maybe they won't trip and fall and break their neck.
Ridiculous nonsense for fools disrupting people's lives.
Saturday, November 4, 2023
Just spent hour and a half in the kitchen..again
Roast onions celery carrots potatoes green beans in the instant pot pressure cooker
never finished
constant daily duties
unpaid labor
i would have to get up at 4 am in order to get household stuff done and it would take me 3 to 4 hours a day to do food prep, kitchen cleaning, floors, laundry, windows, driveway, patio
john layson
july 13, 2021
delameter plumbing 358-8952
layson family used for many years
https://www.google.com/maps/place/Delameter+Plumbing+And+Remodeling/@39.0517804,-95.0527898,9z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m5!3m4!1s0x87c0e398e3e214d9:0xa4de6d691af11ddc!8m2!3d39.0520615!4d-94.4909199?hl=en
v's restaurant
owner friend of his dad quinton layson and mom bernadine layson
the levee knows owner kerr
john and jacque giles visited
1972 softball award richards gebaur afb air force base
55th garfield lived as a child before moving to raytown, missouri
at 8413 spring valley rd
went to high school at raytown south high
college washington university st louis missouri
https://ucollege.wustl.edu/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local-listing
------------------------------
THINGS HE SAID, WAY HE THOUGHT
there's an adjustable table in the living room it's yours
get an attorney now, immediately have a will made up .. i had a heart attack and don't know when i am going to die. i want to make sure it's all covered. it's all going to you, whatever i have
said "i don't have enough time" dont have enough space, dont have enough money
called me "cyber sarah" (i was on computer most of the time) and "pocahontas" when my hair was in pigtails, "little bird" left her nest when i got my own sales spot/booth at the flea market
----------------------
would not clean up anything. jacqueline giles his lifelong friend was neighbor since childhood told me he wouldn't take a shower after mowing grass in the yard and would go 2 to 3 weeks without a shower. she took baths he didn't. she said he would bring things back in she threw in the trash and wouldn't allow her to clean anything up in his house ..she lived in his basement for years after i quit working with him at flea market in september 2008 .not sure exactly when she moved out but it was before december 2020.
he blasted music through several stereo systems playing all at once in different rooms of the house
he slammed cabinet doors in the kitchen on upstairs floor when angry usually because he couldn't find something jacque heard him yelling while she was in the basement.
john was a hoarder. 2 story ranch 3 bedroom 3 bath completely packed wall to wall floor to ceiling with barely enough room to snake walk in paths from room to room; living room, kitchen, hallway, dining room, bath, basement
he minimized undercut underestimated time it took to do anything. he didn't create anything of his own, except a multtude of messes wherever he was. he copied music and movies from any recorded device. he received letters from recording industry regarding illegal activities he did which were tracked on the internet isp but somewhow escaped being sued or going to jail or whatever they do to prosecute violators
he had many fines from city of raytown for illegal unlicensed vehicles, overgrowth of grass weeds etcetera in the yard/lawn at his residence
Friday, November 3, 2023
It's like candy: The female part they want
exact words out of my son's mouth
men searching for that thing
interesting because i told a guy many years ago
when you are bad you don't get any candy
Norman wanted to give me his land and everything he had
Rutherford
lived on Pershing Road in Raytown, Missouri
born April 20, 1922
he lived in a huge mess junkyard cars and automotive parts scattered everywhere
disorganized dirty mess
much like a lot of other men i know and have known
norman never got married but did have sex with very few women and believed he got his niece pregnant
she was married to his nephew
he kept saying he couldnt figure out why he felt compelled had an irrestible urge to fuck me
he screwed the other woman many years before ..must have been the same instinctual urge to GET IT
Thursday, November 2, 2023
Territorial creatures we are
As are animals and all life forms I have seen/witnessed
including any kind of life be it plant or microbe
needing own space
Tastys chicken encounter
Standing in line ordering my food
Man named randy solicited me. Western name
I said im not interested in a relationship
He said it doesnt have to be a relationship, heres my business card with my address come ti my house anytime
Computer repairs he works from home
His son has same name
I wrongly thought once i got old enough it would stop (being solicited for sex by men and hated by women)
And falsely believed a man would love me thru thick and thin regardless of my appearance health or work i do or favors for him and his family and friends
This friend tried to get me to meet him at a motel wanting sex
I never told anyone who
Which is named stitz
And he has known me and my husband for many years, since 2002 or 2003
I refused the motel offer he said one time and ignored sex offer every time he mentioned it
I have zero interest in him or intention of ever doing anything with this person. It is strictly business and friendship, I thought it was anyway.
It appears no man can be my friend and he not having ideas other than friendship
Trust myself. Dont trust anyone else
Lesson realizing now after living over 60 years in this body on this planet/plane.
Only one can keep quiet if only one knows.
Anyone knowing anything who tells anyone else then it is spread around like lightning fire warp speed.
Any sound sight sense interpreted is replicated repeated even if imaginary.
A real or imagined truth or falsehood revealed in any form of communication can destroy or idolize anyone anywhere.
Caution with thoughts speech actions is wise but wont guarantee destruction or emulation adoration.
Anyone is target at any time. Surprise attacks are commonplace.
Wednesday, November 1, 2023
Now i know why women spend so much on beauty for themselves
Which is exactly what i need to do. Focus on getting and remaining beautiful . That is the only thing that matters
He said oh yes she gets anything she wants when she looks good enough
Many men have told me similar things stated in different ways